You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode
four thirty four. Ken Lourdes here with the
one, the only,
the bratty daddy himself. Jump around stone. That's
me.
You have been
quite bratty recently. Yes. Like,
your sadistic
side is partnered up with your bratty side.
Side. Yeah.
You tickled me so bad I had the
safe word. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Almost forgot that I could.
Like, I was not in pain. I was
not, like
but I I
was so, like, no. Don't tell me. So
hard. I almost forgot
that that I had an option. Forgot what
you could do. Right. Okay. But we're not
asking
is a sadistic bratty daddy the asshole. No.
No.
I'm glad about that. Thank you very much.
Probably technically, but I consent to it. So
are you in a way. Yeah. Right. Right.
Right. No. No. No. This week, we're gonna
respond to some kinky am I the asshole
posts from Reddit,
which there's hardly ever, like, timely enough ones
to do a whole bunch at one time.
Mhmm. So this is fun and exciting. Okay.
We shall see how it goes. Alright. Welcome
to the Living BDSM podcast. If this is
your first time listening, glad to have you.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and Friday
for your kinky pleasure in education, and show
notes are found at lovingBDSM.net.
Come back often and feel free to add
the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You
can also follow the show on FetLife at
loving BDSM
PC. That PC stands for podcast, Joe.
On Instagram and, technically,
threads, I guess. And that handle, I will
forever
fucking hate.
Loving d s and the number one. So
it's at loving d s one. On blue
sky
at loving BDSM
Letters letters letters whatever,
or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingBDSM,
where you can watch us live from the
podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the
show notes. A big thanks as always to
our kinky patrons over on Patreon, including our
newest peeps. We are grateful for every fucking
one of you.
Just to give you a little insight as
to, like, why should I consider being a
patron? Well, other than I think we're kinda
cool and our Discord is very chill and
laid back. We just recorded,
this month's behind the scenes podcast episode where
we basically
dove deep into
the stuff going on in our relationship. That
wouldn't be, like, an episode with a topic.
It's just, hey, here's here's the stuff. Here's
what's happening. Here's what we've discovered. Like, trust
can deepen over time, and, you know, the
more you learn about your partner, the easier
it
is to guide and dom them and all
that good stuff. So Amazing.
If that sounds, like your thing, you can
join for as little as $2 a month
at
patreon.com/kaylalords.
That's patreon.com/kaylalords,
or the link is in the show notes.
Okay. Before we get into,
any potential rants, I never promise rants, but
Reddit is good for a rant or two.
I just wanna remind you that the free,
free, absolutely a %
free to participate in,
Dom Sub Dynamic Virtual Summit
starts,
Monday,
March 31. What are dates? And you can
still register for let me say it again,
free.
If you register for free, you get twenty
four hours from the time each session,
plays where you're able to watch it live
to see it. There is a paid option
if you want lifetime access and other goodies,
but
every single one of us, including us, we
have a session too, who made a session.
Our job was to give you something actionable
for free. Not that bullshit thing that some
peop some educators, like vanilla educators do, where
they're like, I'm gonna use this time as
a commercial and then the real stuff is
over here where you have to pay for
it. No. No. No. No. Everybody's
session
has actual shit you can take away from
and try in your own dynamic.
We are apparently doing our specialty,
which is how to make your dynamic work
in the real world.
Rara, who is watching live hi, Rara. Mhmm.
And as part of the reason we even
have this episode, Am I the Asshole stuff,
she's got a session on kink comparison. God,
everybody go watch that one.
Evie has one on consensual on consent.
There's one about dating while kinky. There's one
about finding a kink friendly therapist. There's, like,
there's some good shit. Link in the places.
If you have not registered, there is still
time to do so.
So yeah. Mhmm. Please please please check that
out. Okay.
I,
I hope
Silent,
was accurate in the live chat saying, I
wondered how long it would take before Kayla
stumbled on her words. I did not sleep
well last night, so I'm pretty sure there
will be a lot more stumbling than just
a little bit after it already. Okay.
Okay. Hello, everyone.
Yeah. That's alright. You have to do that
too. I missed my, We are off our,
Yes.
It's but it's consistently we're off our thing.
Like, our our
what is the word I want? I don't
know. But, yeah. Mhmm. You're not getting the
chance to do the thing. Am I moving
too fast and ignoring you? Are you forgetting?
I have no idea. Is it both? It's
probably both. I think it's I think it's
a combination. It's a combination. Okay. And just
the, chaotic,
day carrying through into this. That well, yes.
That is that has always been true. Okay.
So Alright.
These am I the asshole questions, two or
post or whatever you wanna call them, whatever.
Two came from the BDSM
underscore
a I t a, am I the asshole,
subreddit,
that is specific to kink stuff,
hosted, run, moderated by,
Rara, and I'm begging anybody
with questions about, was I the asshole in
this situation and it's kinky thing? Please go
use that. Because if if that got updated
more often, we would do more specific, am
I the assholes questions,
post
reaction
thing.
And then the rest, I was like, oh,
these two are kind of interesting.
I think to me the answer Am I
the Asshole is clear on both of them,
but they have topics I want to, like,
discuss. Alright? Okay. Okay. And then I was
like, oh, but that's not a two was
not enough for an episode. I need, like,
the time and the space to, like, cleanse
the palate, right, and, you know, like, get
out some aggression.
So I went searching
on Reddit
specifically for kinky questions that might have appeared
in all kinds of subreddits,
found three that were not
five years old,
but decided we'd do those. And then if
these go faster than I anticipate, I have
a bonus one that I don't love, but
I was like, for time, maybe. So it
might remain a mystery,
if we don't get to it. Okay. Oh.
And, Silent, I think, came up with came
with the, we've lost our groove.
That was the word I was thinking of,
groove.
Okay. So here we go. First one. K.
Am I the asshole for being a 53
year old horny grandma on OnlyFans?
So I know.
I already know the answer. So here's the
deal. I'm 53, a grandma, and I run
on OnlyFans because, well, I'm still as wild
as ever. Some people say I should quote
act my age, but honestly, I've never felt
sexier and I love exploring my kinks with
people who actually appreciate the experience.
The problem?
My daughter found out and is absolutely livid
calling it embarrassing and saying I should be
baking cookies and not humiliating the family.
Meanwhile, I'm over here thinking, who cares? I'm
having fun. I'm making money, and I'm not
hurting anyone. So am I the asshole for
embracing my sexuality and doing what I love?
Or should I just say fuck it and
keep enjoying myself? I mean, either way, this
person is gonna keep doing their thing. Right.
So But, you know, I I think the,
you know, one, the the title,
and and as you start reading into it,
I almost immediately,
you know, act your age. Yeah. That's the
thing. When when someone tells you to act
your age,
yes. I hate that. It's gross. What does
that even mean? I've never been this age
before. I don't know how I'm supposed to
act. So I'm a just do my shit
and have a good time. And that's the
thing. So Yeah. I you know, who who
gets to tell you what Not your kid.
Not your kid. Not your kid. Not when
everybody's a fucking adult.
Like,
especially if because I am becoming this kind
of parent, and I hope I will stay
this kind of parent. If you're over there
as my child being an adult doing adult
things and, you know, not asking my fucking
opinion,
stay out of jail,
don't subtract or add to the population unintentionally,
live your fucking life. So if the kid
can live their fucking life, then the mom
should live their fucking life. To me, this
one's a gimme. This is an easy one.
Of course, the grandma is not an asshole
for being on OnlyFans, but I had the
I wanted this one because Good good for
them. Right. It it leads to two things.
There's the age ist thing of you're too
old to be doing something like this, and
then there's the the family found out and
has fucking opinions.
Mhmm. And, I mean,
what what would I do if
a a one of the kids found that
about us and was mad? I don't how
would I respond?
I mean, I'd probably go bitch mom mode
and be like, do you pay my bills?
Right. Am I,
you know, are you responsible for keeping a
roof over my head? Are you the one
paying for my assisted living facility? No.
Shut the fuck up, she says with motherly
love.
See, and we've gone through not the OnlyFans
thing, but we've gone through family finding out
and saying Mhmm. Judgy shit. Right. So that
is deeply personal. The question I have is,
well, how did how did daughter find out?
Who was trolling OnlyFans? And then it's gonna
be like,
oh, I found somebody I know, so I
should judge them
even though I'm the one looking at shit
where I could come across on all places.
Or or okay. And, you know, let let's
backtrack on that. I I understand what you're
saying right there. Mhmm. But,
you know, let let's,
give credit where credit is due. Sometimes, you
know, you're you're an OF
creator, you know, you're out hawking yourself on
Alright. Social media. Okay?
And what happens if, you know, something like
like the,
the Facebook
says, oh,
we have a,
yeah. Daughter still chose to click a link.
Daughter still chose to go get nosy. Or
it was sent to her by somebody else
who was being nosy. Either way, there was
some nosiness
going on.
You know, it is it's not fine in
the sense of, oh, that's great, but it
is everybody's prerogative to have an opinion on
what other people do. But those opinions get
to stay inside thoughts. They get to stay
in our head as long as those things
do not directly impact us, people we care
about our, you know,
entire,
marginalized communities. Those kinds of things. Like, grandma
is out here
shaking what she got, whether she paid for
it or nature, and having a good time
and making some money and just minding her
damn business.
Everybody needs to leave grandma alone.
And too fucking old. Look. Look. I hope
I hope at 53,
I'm still like, you know what? I could
put my tits on the Internet.
They're gonna probably still be sweaty, but maybe
I could put my tits back on the
Internet.
That to me is, like, a good thing
to not that everybody should do it, but
to want to do it and to have
the confidence to just go do it. Like,
if you don't wanna do it, don't do
it. If you don't want to engage with
that content, don't. Don't pay for it if
you don't want to see it. The block
button exists. But if you're like, I have
an urge and I wanna try this and
I wanna do it. Good on you. Go
fucking do it. Go fucking do it. It.
I I don't I can't remember I don't
remember the person
specifically anymore, but I remember years ago on
Tumblr,
there was this woman, and I wanna say
she was either in her late
sixties at the time or early seventies. Mhmm.
And she was doing
some beautiful,
erotic photography.
Mhmm. Mhmm.
I've when I was reading this question, my
thought was, would I go back to OnlyFans?
And I would go back to making
that kind of content, but I would actually
not go to OnlyFans because they're kinda evil.
I would go to Fansleaf.
But either way, if you're a grown ass
adult making your own decisions and not negatively
impacting
anybody with that decision
Yeah. And negative impact is not, I think,
less of you because that's a you problem,
not a them problem.
Correct. Anyway.
Okay. That was an easy one, but I
Yeah.
Okay. Is it this one I wanted to
do? No.
Where where things got out of hand. Uh-oh.
Ah, there we go. This one. Things got
out of order. And once I put them
in order in my notes, I like them
to stay in my fucking order.
Okay.
This one's, deceiving, so listen all the way.
Okay.
Am I the asshole for considering quitting my
dom due to his size?
K.
I, 45 female, am a submissive, married, in
an ethical, non monogamous arrangement, and play on
my own. I've recently started with a new
dominant, primarily looking for impact topping, and it
quickly included rough sex. Yay.
However, the last time was way less kinky
and involved some snuggling and missionary sex, which
suddenly brought me head on into the reality
that his body frame is very similar to
my ex husband's.
Very slight frame compared to my my more
average size.
It didn't bother me so much when there
was a flogger between us or a hand
on my neck. But this last time, all
of a sudden I couldn't erase that similarity
from my mind. I don't know if I
can get past those memories.
Am I the asshole if I end this
because I can't do vanilla ish sex with
a man smaller than me?
As somebody who outweighs her dom by a
good fifty, sixty pounds,
on the the smaller than me thing, I
get that. On the you remind me of
my ex thing. Oh, yeah. That I get
that too. What do you think about this?
It's a hot mess.
It's kinda it is and isn't complicated. I
mean
Yeah. I know.
I mean,
I I think they're overthinking it. Yes. Okay.
You know, there are certain
physical things that remind you of an ex.
I think that's that can happen. Mhmm. But,
what really matters is the personality.
What is the personality like?
I think it comes down to we get
to
reject or
want a potential partner for any number of
reasons. Mhmm. And only you as an individual
get to decide what is a step too
far for you or what is just a
trait you just don't want to deal with.
I
if it was, like, somebody I knew and
who trusted me and, like, they were just
asking for my opinion, I would start asking
those questions. I'd be like, but what about
their personality? Or can you just negotiate that
you don't do vanilla sex and you don't
wanna snuggle, but you're down for impact and
Yeah. Kink rough kinky sex?
Would that be an option? But, ultimately,
if something about a person kind of puts
you off
and you don't want, you're, like, you're not
inclined to work around it, you shouldn't have
to. Do I think she should say something?
No. I don't think you tell the person,
look, your frame reminds me of my ex
husband and I just can't get that feeling
out of my mind. Right? I don't know
if you say all that.
I think it's okay to go, hey, look.
I've had a good time,
but this isn't working for me. Have a
nice life. I think that I think that
is fine. Mhmm. You know, I think part
of it is not always, not everybody, but
I think some people get into their head
thinking I'm gonna have to tell them why
I'm breaking up with them. I have to
tell them that they're reminding me of my
stinky, stinky ex and I hate that. Right?
Like, I mean, you can, I guess, but
if it's a thing they can't change about
themselves,
remember, if no is a complete sentence, then
you are not required to go Mhmm? To,
like, crazy in-depth on your reasonings for things
as long as you don't yeah. To say
I'm not feeling it anymore,
that's the full story. Right? They might want
to know more, but they're not You're not
obligated to tell them. So it's either, can
you work around it, renegotiate, don't put yourself
in that physical position,
or end it maturely. Okay. So let let
me throw something out to you.
Because
I remember a certain someone
who at one time said they could not
see themselves being with someone who is
either
the same height or shorter than them. Right.
Also, I remember somebody saying they could not
be with somebody who had children again. The
difference was there was enough connecting us Mhmm.
And enough we liked about one another and
enough that made it something that was not
insurmountable.
Each individual gets to decide for themselves,
is this too much and I can't work
through it, or could I work past it?
Could I, like, get over it, adjust, whatever,
whatever?
I'm gonna tell a bestie if they're having
a good fucking time with somebody, Look, I'm
gonna let maybe just take a beat and
think about all the good shit. Right?
Yeah. I'm I'm gonna with the influence I
have over somebody I care about and I
know who they are and I know, like,
what they've been through. You know what I
mean? I might urge that. But as a
general principle
Mhmm.
If you don't vibe with somebody,
you don't fucking vibe with them.
It doesn't matter if I think the reason
is
I won't say silly. I don't wanna, like,
minimize this person's
situation. But, like, if I would not find
that, a thing to stop me. You know
what I mean? Like Okay. Yeah. Me personally,
because we've done it, each of us, there's
enough good there that that was
that was me
having my own internal
misogyny,
fat phobia. Like, pick a thing is why
I couldn't handle, you know, somebody shorter and
smaller than me. This person is getting the
reminder of their ex, and I'm gonna be
like, oh, how did that ex situation go?
Yeah. Is this a traumatic reminder? Is this
a disgust distaste? I hate this. Get this
feeling away from me.
I'm not gonna guilt somebody into saying you
gotta get over that. You know?
That's that they're not the asshole to me,
they're not the asshole for having that feeling
and thinking, maybe I can't do this anymore.
What would make them the asshole is if
they say to this person, you're way too
fucking short, and it's creeping me out. Like,
that's a thing they literally cannot fix about
themselves. So why would you be shitty and
and tell them
what's, air quote, horrible about them? Right? That
is what would, to me, would make them
the asshole. Mhmm. What do you think? I
I
I after hearing you explain it like that,
yes, I have to do. After I bully
you into seeing my point of view. Sorry.
I feel passionately about things, y'all.
Oh, god.
Okay.
This one, the commenters on this one, this
one is nine months ago,
and it is
from the actual am I the asshole subreddit.
Some people were like, I think it's fake.
And some people were like, I think we
don't get the whole story. I
I had initial thoughts, and then I read
the comments, and sometimes that's dangerous. So here
we go. Alright. Am I the asshole for
accidentally
revealing my cousin's BDSM collection?
Last weekend, I was at my cousin Dave's
place for a family barbecue. Everything was fine
until Dave asked me to grab some extra
chairs from his basement.
I head down there and accidentally knock over
a box.
Out spills a bunch of BDSM gear and
some pretty explicit stuff.
I'm talking whips, cuffs, masks, ball gags, the
whole shebang.
I quickly try to shove it all back
in, but not before Dave walks in and
sees what happened.
He completely flips out screaming about how I
invaded his privacy and ruined everything.
He's yelling that I've exposed his private collection
to the whole family even though I didn't
tell anyone. But he was so loud that
a few family members came over to see
what the hell was going on, and now
they're all curious and asking questions.
Dave stumbles over his words, but pretty much
exposed himself while I just stood there shocked.
Dave hasn't spoken to me since and has
been going on about how I'm a terrible
person for snooping around his stuff even though
he's the one who sent me down there.
Some family members think Dave is being ridiculous
and needs to chill, while others are saying
I should have been more careful.
A lot of whispers going on within the
family. I think some of them know know
what was in there and some don't.
He's posting passive aggressive things on social media
about boundaries and respect, and I'm getting all
these angry texts from Dave about how I've
destroyed his reputation and how he can never
look at me the same way again.
I honestly feel terrible, but it was an
accident.
Am I the asshole for accidentally revealing my
cousin's BDSM collection?
I honestly don't know what to do because
I cannot undo the accident. Yeah.
No. They're not the asshole. No. They're not
the asshole. Taking that at face value, no.
They're not the asshole. Yeah. I'm I mean,
you know, going by the title, it it
almost sounds like they outed them,
you know, but that that is absolutely not
the case. No. They outed themselves by freaking
out. Yeah. Mhmm. Yep. Mhmm. And yeah. So,
I think what was his name? Dave? Dave.
Dave. Yeah. Yeah. Dave's the asshole.
Now yeah. The passive aggressive stuff. The Mhmm.
Absolutely. That stuff. Yes. Oh, yeah.
I can understand
panic making you behave in ways that are
Yeah. Not your best self.
I've also absolutely seen moments in life where
your agitation about a thing, your fear of
a thing is what actually brings on the
thing you're afraid of. Right?
I read fiction, especially the time travel stuff.
I know.
But, yeah. The
and then I clocked this as being like
first, I was like, okay. This is a
person with high anxiety who responds in anger
and gets loud when they panic, which is
a thing that can happen to some people.
And then I had the thought, and then
I went looking at the comments because I
wanted to see what other people thought. I
was like, wait.
Was he was it an accident,
or was he really snooping?
And now it's I gotta make myself it
it just fell over, and I was just
trying to put it away.
How you know, you got sent for chairs,
and it was twenty minutes later before you
like, there's details we'll never get to know.
Right. But that would alter my perception because
on its face, that feels like a really
big,
because on its face, that feels like a
really big, big reaction.
You know? Yeah. And I don't want to
say that people cannot unintentionally have big reactions
that fuck themselves over.
That absolutely is true, but it's like, that
I mean, it was already in the basement.
That's another thing that, that I was like,
why?
Why is your toy box in the basement,
but it's not a basement for playing? Right?
Like Mhmm. Is it, so then is was
it a thing that you were no longer
doing and you but you don't wanna throw
it away? You just stored it away?
You're taking a kicking a break. Maybe. I
know. I just I I would desperately like
to know. I know. There there there is
a lot of,
Unknown. Un unknowns in this. It's to me,
it's a little too simplistic of a story.
So okay. What isn't being said? Why would
he have such like, is this how Dave
reacts to everything that stresses him out? Okay.
That's his personality, and he fucked himself over.
Yeah. Was something else going on? Is there
animosity between these two so Dave automatically thinks
the worst? Has some shit gone down in
the past where Dave is not really reacting
to this moment? He's triggered, and he's reacting
to everything else. Else. Yeah.
This is why these questions are hard because
I have questions. So how can I give
you Questions about the questions? Right. Right. You
would get a better answer from me. I
would know if I felt like I was
correct or not in my assessment
Mhmm. If I could could have more context
and details.
So yeah. Based on the on its face,
take it, it's your face value, no. He's
not the asshole.
Dave fucked himself
over. Dave, like, might wanna work on that.
But also,
I'm giving a little side eye.
Where are you at? I I get it.
Yeah. The the whole the whole thing, it's
it's too vague
to really, you know Mhmm.
Mhmm. I know. But I feel like I'm
bullying you and
agreeing with me. Okay.
Okay. Here we go. Next one. Okay.
Okay.
This one is long. I see that. And
don't take the title at face value. Oh
my god. Another one. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. This one's
from ten months ago, so it's still within
the past year. Am am I the asshole
for kink shaming my girlfriend? This is a
throwaway because of my friends and my Reddit
username. Okay. I first met my girlfriend on
Hinge a little over a year ago and
for the first six months, everything was perfect.
She told me early into the relationship that
she was into BDSM and specifically into dom
sub dynamics.
I'm also pretty kinky, so I told her
this was no problem and I'd be happy
to do this with her. However, I was
thinking this dynamic would be something purely sexual
and we would be a normal couple outside
of the bedroom. I'm gonna give a little
side eye. A normal couple, really? Really? Okay.
This is how it started, and the sex
was fantastic. But then gradually, it seeped into
our public lives too. It started with her
asking how I would feel about her wearing
a collar when we were out together.
I I told her that I would be
uncomfortable if she was doing it for my
sake, but I wasn't going to tell her
what she was and wasn't allowed to wear.
She sulked for a bit after this, but
it didn't seem to bother her too much.
Next, she sent me a video from some
BDSM TikTok account where a woman was demonstrating
how her dom had had loads of hand
signals which he used to order her around
in public without people noticing.
She said that if I was uncomfortable with
people seeing the collar, then this would be
better because nobody would know what was happening.
I didn't want another argument, so I just
said that I would watch the video and
think about it. In hindsight, I think I
should have just shut her down here because
after this, she started suggesting more and more
extreme things.
Her next request was that I should be
in control of aspects of her life such
as when she eats, drinks, and sleeps. She
wants me to tell her what and when
to eat and drink as well as when
she should go to sleep and when she
wakes up. I told her I didn't wanna
do this, but instead of dropping it,
instead, she constantly messages me asking for my
permission for everything, which is honestly really tiring
and annoying.
I work in a high pressure job and
it feels like not only do I have
to manage my own life, I am also
in charge of hers as well.
Whilst all of this was happening, she also
started adopting an extremely bratty persona in the
bedroom.
I'm okay with this occasionally but literally every
time we have sex, she is adopting a
weird juvenile persona where she acts like she
isn't interested and she wants me to argue
with her for ages and even physically wrestle
her until she submits and then we have
sex. I have told her multiple times that
I absolutely hate this and she'll stop for
a couple of days and then gradually start
doing it again.
This all culminated when last week I was
having an extremely busy and stressful day at
work, and she was blowing up my phone
all day asking for my permission to do
things.
After work, I went to her place for
dinner. And later that night when we were
going to have sex, her bratty persona was
back in full force.
I was exhausted and not in a very
good mood, so I just told her that
I wasn't going to argue with her or
play her games. We can either have sex
like normal couples do or I'm going to
sleep. He needs to stop with the normal
word, but I get his point.
This really pissed her off and she started
shouting at me saying that she never would
have dated me if she knew I was
a baby dom along with bringing up some
other insecurities and things I had confided in
her about. At this point, I was completely
done and I just told her she can
apologize tomorrow or else we're finished, and then
I went
home. I turned my phone off because she
kept calling me, and then the next day,
I had loads of messages from her friends
saying that I was being abusive and kink
shaming her. I don't think I'm kink shaming
her because although I was up for the
sexual side, I never agreed or wanted for
it to take over our entire relationship.
Her friends are calling me an asshole because
they say that a dom sub relationship can't
just be in the bedroom. It has to
be the focus of the entire relationship.
Disagree.
At this point, I've had so many of
her friends message me saying I'm in the
wrong. I don't know if I'm the one
being unreasonable
anymore.
So the am I the asshole for kink
shaming? Let's answer that because I think that's
an easy one for both of us. Right.
No. In no world are you the asshole.
No. No. No. No. No. No. She's the
fucking asshole. Right. Hot damn. She
she she seems to be the problem.
It seems like she has a tendency of
just springing things on them Yes. Without talking
about it. And not boring.
Yeah. Without without talking about it, without negotiating
anything,
you know, and
so, you know, yeah.
She's got some of the red flags in
this one. Yeah. Yeah. That's a kink dispenser.
I'm ignoring your no and I don't want
to. Right. Do I think he could have
been more direct, more forceful?
Maybe. But it also seems like it didn't
matter because even when he was super direct
according to his story,
she freaking ignored it. You know, and and
I think there is a a,
a fair bit of incompatibility.
Oh, yeah. Completely incompatible.
Yeah.
You know, for you know, I mean, obviously,
it seems that she wants to be micromanaged.
And she wants to a bratty a Dom
who'll take her bratty side and, like Right.
Yes. You know, so,
you know, he's
not into that. He, you know, he said
so. Clearly. So, you know, there there's
even in kind of incompatibility.
Mhmm. You know? If if it's a let's
look back and what can we learn from
this from him, I would say
the moment
your partner says, hey, I wanna do this
thing in the bedroom, do not assume you
know what they mean. You need to, like,
be very explicit and talk about it and
go, this is what I think it means.
What do you think it means? And what
do we wanna do together? That was a
hindsight's twenty twenty, let's do things better for
the next time lesson.
Fucking talk about it and get into the
details and don't assume. Because he did a
lot of assuming using words like normal
Yeah. Because, you know, to him, kink is,
like, out there and, like, not his main
experience even though he's air quote kinky.
Like, I'm you know, if this was a
person who's like, I'm a kinkster. I'm big
in the community. And using terminology like that,
I'd be I'd be very annoyed. This to
me is more of an education and normalization
thing. Like, I'm just not used to being
around it. So to me, it is not
normal.
But also a normal relate. Like, oh, there's
parts I'm like, I don't like that.
I wanna know what the hell she told
her friends
For them to come out and At him
like that. Yeah. Because it does not sound
like she was like, look, I tried to
get him to be the dom of my
dreams and he just wouldn't and then he
you know, now we're fighting. Sounds more like
he didn't like that I was a brat
and he, you know, made me feel bad
about it. I mean, for them to to,
you know,
call him out and say he's abusive?
Yes. Exactly.
Because quite frankly,
she was abusive. Right. He was saying, maybe
not as clearly as I would recommend, not
as clearly as I maybe he needed to,
but he was saying no. He was saying,
I don't want this. I don't like this.
I don't wanna do this. And she was
like, I'm gonna ignore you and try it
again anyway.
I know. I you know, that and and
that's the thing too.
Doesn't matter which side of the slash you
are on,
no means no. And it's a complete sentence.
Either way, you know, it it
so
Yeah. I'm I would what I'd be curious
about is either how she took it versus
how she explained it to her friends. Right.
Because
for his rejection to be automatically
deemed kink shaming means
either
she was under the very mistaken impression that
no matter how what kind of submissive she
was or wants to be, that her partner
should just accept her and want that to
automatically
and or she told
slight deviation on the actual facts of the
case to make herself look better for her
friends. Like, how self aware was she? Did
she realize she was crossing boundaries and ignoring
limits
and doing what the fuck she wanted, but
you can't admit that to your friends because
then you look like the shitty person you
are.
Was she that self aware and just change
the story? Or did she rewrite that story
in her head and go, oh, I'm being
rejected because, you know, he doesn't like this
kink and it's me and not the kink
he doesn't want. Well, at this point, it's
both of you. He didn't want the kink
and he does not want you, and you
did that to yourself.
Mhmm. So, no, he's not the asshole. Do
I,
you know, think that there's some things he
could
have a better understanding of? Sure. Sure. Sure.
Sure. But that's that's, like, that's so low
on the totem pole of issues.
Uh-uh. You know?
And silent ass in the live chat. Now
I thought the same thing. I would love
to know how this guy defines kinky. Right.
Because that's another thing. We don't all define
it the same way. Right. And
just assuming that you can say kinky to
one another and you both know what you're
talking about,
so wrong. So wrong.
You know, if he's like, I wanna, like,
call you names and choke you and pull
your hair during sex, and she's like, actually,
I want you to put me on my
knees and collar me and leave me like,
it's
such wild hints of a spectra.
So
yeah. So there was that one. Yeah.
And this is the last technical one. And
then we'll decide if you want the mystery
one. That was not that good,
but this one.
This one. Oh my goodness. This one is
only from four months ago. Oh dear. And
it was from the,
a I t a h, am I the
asshole,
subreddit. There's multiples these days. So Yeah.
So
am I the asshole for throwing away the
key of my ex's
adult cage?
Cock cage, if you wanna make sure you
know. Okay.
I, female twenty five, was dating my ex,
male thirty, for two years.
Before anyone mentions the age gap, I was
into it and pursued him first. We met
on Tinder, and our relationship started off as
simply sexual as we both had some kinks
we wanted to try out and did not
want a serious relationship.
This eventually turned into us dating as we
realized we wanted to spend all of our
time together.
Our relationship was nonmonogamous
as we both are sex positive and nontraditional.
The only boundary we had was that we
must use protection and we do not lie
about our flings or relationship dynamic.
Fast forward two years and things were going
great. I just moved in with him and
we made new rules where we do not
bring any of our flings home. It was
amazing until yesterday.
My ex, let's call him Jay, left his
phone out while he took a shower, and
I got curious. I ended up finding out
that he was on Grindr and was messaging
kinky, but I did not know he was
into men at all. This made me very
upset as I was completely unaware and I
felt like he was keeping secrets from me.
He should know I wouldn't care if he
was bi as I am queer myself and
I'm very LGBTQ
friendly.
I started reading the messages on Grindr and
found
that he had a whole other side of
his life that he didn't show me.
The messages and picture he was pictures he
was sending these men were unlike anything I'd
seen from him. I'm not gonna lie. It
hurt me a lot that he kept this
for me. While he may not have broken
any of our rules, I felt like he
was cheating on me by keeping all this
a secret.
This sent me into a spiral and I
started crying.
I decided then that we should break up
and I started packing immediately.
We'd recently moved in together only a week
prior so I could easily grab most of
my things. I was packed within twenty minutes.
In a rage, I left his phone open
to his Grindr messages on his pillow and
left without saying anything.
Here's where I might be the asshole.
Really? Here's where you might be the asshole?
Before Jay took a shower, he had a
penis cage on. Something we like to do
in our relationship
penis cage and give me the key. This
meant I could at times control when he
got erect and he would be more submissive
to me. He would just keep it on
for one day at a time. Since we're
poly, I did not want to control him
every day. In the heat of the moment
yesterday, I was so angry that I took
the key with me and threw it away
as I was leaving his apartment.
This left Jay in a cage with no
way to open it. At the time, I
was so mad and felt like he cheated
on me, so I think my actions were
justified.
However, after one day, I'm feeling a little
bad. Jay has tried to call me and
has kept texting me asking what's wrong. I
told him that we are over because of
his secrets. He says he loves me and
is sorry that he never told me he
was bi, but I do not think that's
enough. He also mentioned coming by my parents'
place where I slept last night to pick
up the cage key and drop off some
of my cosmetic items from the bathroom.
I texted him that I threw it away
in his apartment's dumpster and that we can
meet up later.
This is when he called me and left
a voice mail yelling
saying that it's the only key and that
the dumpster was emptied this morning.
After a couple hours, he sent me a
photo of all my makeup in the same
dumpster. I told him I threw the key
in.
I am not responded as I am pissed.
He could get a new key on Amazon
for like $20 but my makeup was over
a hundred dollars altogether.
Am I the asshole for throwing away the
key to my ex boyfriend's penis
cage? T l d r, too long, didn't
read. I threw away the key to my
boyfriend's penis cage trapping him because I found
out he was on Grindr.
Update.
Jay just sent me a text saying he
got the cage off and never wants to
see me again. I guess this is the
end. Y'all see? Right?
I
kinda don't blame him. Whoo. I'm I mean
I'm gonna go, yes. You're the fucking asshole
here. Yeah.
Oh my god. Okay. What are your thoughts?
You know,
yeah.
She she's a hot mess.
Yeah. She is.
You know, I don't know. I've I've got
so many mixed emotions
with that whole thing to a certain extent.
Mhmm. You know, because,
she was kinda wrong for going through his
phone. To me, she was immediately wrong. You
do not say, we're super happy. I'm totally
in love.
Go looking through the phone,
like, without
permission, like, there Yeah. With the amount of
detail this person gave us, one would assume
should go, I had permission or I didn't
have permission. And I'm thinking if you don't
tell us, maybe you did not have explicit
permission Right. To go through some of these.
I mean, you you and I.
We hand each other our phones all the
time. We we hand you know, you can
look at my stuff anytime you want. You
you go in my phone. We know each
other's codes. It's fine. Right. You know, you
you go in my pass my my email,
so, you know, I don't care. The only
place she that makes you seems to make
you nervous is my purse.
Yeah. Like it's, like a black hole mystery,
and you are afraid to put your hand
in there.
So, you know,
throwing away the key, that was a bitch
move. That was a bitch move. Because unless
she like, somebody said in the live chat,
these keys tend to be interchangeable.
Mhmm. You really can't get another one. Did
she know that and assumed he knew that?
If I'm pretty sure if I'd never been
locked unwillingly into something, that would not be
my first thought. I probably would panic
and have to be reminded, you know, because
that was not what you were expecting. Everything
is now a mystery. I come
out of the shower, the girlfriend's gone, I
can't take my dick out of the cage,
my phone is on my pillow,
I don't know why, like
You know, and and yet, on the same
hand, you know, or on the other side
of the thing,
you know, you're
practicing ethical non monogamy,
okay, or, you know, non monogamy, however you
wanna, Polly,
and yet he's on a dating site that,
and she knows nothing about it. But here's
the thing. They had rules. She stated the
explicit there was a lot of info. I
understand if you don't remember. Let me go
back to it. Originally,
the only boundary we had was that we
must use protection and we do not lie
about our flings or relationship
dynamic. Okay?
Lying means you have to ask about them.
Right? Or that there has to be you
have to be in a conversation about them.
So a mission.
A lie of a mission, maybe. And I
have I have thoughts about it. So let
me get there. Okay. So then they move
in together,
and the new rule
is that they don't bring the flings home.
Oh, that's a fair rule. And she even
says
he may not have broken any of our
rules. Here's what now, I cannot speak to
how I might feel
if
an an important part of my partner's identity
was not revealed to me,
not because, like, they owe me information, but,
like, yeah. I I might maybe I would
have this thing of why couldn't you tell
me? But that's the thing on my mind.
What is it about her that he didn't
feel like he could tell her? Right. I
when we first got together, I was
a little hesitant Right. To tell you I
was bi, but that's because
I had
in the in the past, when I had
talked to some people and told them,
you know, I was
hit by some very judgmental
Right. Stuff. And and that
made me a little gun shy. Right. But
here's the thing, maybe he he went through
that. Mhmm. And I everybody has their own
unique experience. No group is a monolith, but
I cannot understand how somebody who can say
I'm queer, I'm part of the LGBTQ,
community
would not understand
that maybe somebody's not ready to tell you
something.
So
one, that could absolutely be it. They just
weren't ready. They had past experiences like you
did. They were they were just, like, figuring
their shit out, whatever. But
after two years, I'm gonna go back to
what was it about that partner
that he was like, it's been two years,
we're living together, and I still can't tell
you. Yeah.
Because I'm wondering if,
throwing away the cock cage key was just
one Okay. String of many Yeah.
Red flag kind of behaviors.
Look. I'm gonna be I'm gonna piss somebody
off with this, and I know that not
everybody sees it this way, and that is
okay.
I
do not trust the things that happen in
anger. I do not trust when somebody goes,
I didn't really mean it. I just but
because here's the thing. Here's how my brain
works, and here's how I see it. You
are welcome to see it differently.
If you said it when you were angry,
also for when you're drunk, it means it
was in your goddamn head.
You knew it was a weapon to be
used or you were thinking it at some
point.
Because how could it even fucking be like,
I could get so mad at you,
and there are things that would never even
fucking occur to me to say that I
know you've heard from other partners. Like, I
just would never like, I just would never
say it because there's no point in my
life with you that that sits in my
brain even when I'm cranky with you. We
had a conversation the other day about you.
We get to think anything we wanna think,
but some things we think should stay inside
thoughts because I did not wanna hear that
even though I'm not gonna police what he
fucking thinks.
So, you know, that's
that's the other thing. Like, there's layers to
this. Mhmm.
Somebody said in live chat and I completely
agree. Could absolutely have just left that fucking
key there. And quite frankly, if you wanted
to make a bigger statement,
phone opened a
Grindr, she next to it. Right? Like, here.
Have it. I don't want this. Mhmm.
But that's the other thing. If this is
how they responded
in this situation, how do they respond to
other
stressors or points where they're angry with their
partner? And so, therefore,
was there a reason their partner never felt
safe telling them they were bi? Yeah. If
if it was a safety thing. I don't
wanna assume that. It could just be I'm
not used to talking about that.
You know,
it's always been a thing I kept like,
there's all kinds of reasons. I'm I'm not
gonna try and dictate what those reasons are,
but I'm just saying, I think if you
get
this
upset at this, when you can say
none of the rules were broken yes I
was hurt you could be hurt like I
could see that if if ten years in
I found out something new about you
that you had purposely kept to from me
because you did not feel comfortable or safe
to tell me,
I would be upset. Not lock your dick
in a cage and run out the door
upset. But I would that would
maybe I'm an old lady. Part of me
would be like, what have I done to
make it so he couldn't tell me? But
I also would be like, he's just walked
around this life with me and there's a
major part of him I don't know about.
It would upset me. Like, I would be
sad or I would be
confused or I'd have a feeling about it.
However,
would I immediately blow up the whole fucking
relationship
over it? Well, you know what? Here here
I'm I'm gonna say something, and and to
me, this is
some what I notice Mhmm. About in all
this.
K,
my,
outlook Mhmm.
On on her Mhmm. Is is not all
that favorable. Oh, no. Okay? And and and
here's here is why. Mhmm. From my perspective
Mhmm. She values her makeup more than him.
Oh, god. Yeah. She was like, keep your
dick locked up in a cage for a
few days. Not my problem. My fucking makeup,
a hundred dollars worth of makeup. You threw
it away. What the hell? Right. Right. That
that speaks volumes.
Yes. And you know what's funny? I
tend like, I don't think it's in my
nature to be genuinely petty, mostly because I
have issues I should go to therapy about.
Mhmm. And so
sometimes,
at other times, when I see something like
they did they broke my $20 thing, so
I broke their $50 thing kind of thing.
Yeah. I
usually
I get a little like,
was that the best way to handle that?
I don't yeah. But because I know how
I would be.
This was one of those times I read
it,
and I for, like, my my knee jerk
was, oh. And then I went, no. Bitch,
you literally like, I don't know anything about
this cage. I don't know how like, was
it a good one where, like, it was
stainless steel and so you could clean around
it and it wouldn't be the worst thing?
Was it ill fitting? Was it uncomfortable?
Was it a shit went off of fucking
Amazon and he could have gotten, like, gangrene
on his fucking dick? Like like
no. The blew up over a thing. Yeah.
Tossed the key. Didn't tell him for a
while. Right. Did not tell him for a
while. And I know. I I don't know
enough about these things because I've never
been in that. But I would think, just
like anything else, there is a a limit
to having it on. I don't know. I
don't know for a fact. I have definitely
seen people online talk about wearing their cage
for, like, literal days or weeks. Mhmm. But
also, there are people who will do take
things to the edge of risk and safety.
So I don't actually know. I do I
do quite frankly assume that there's a better
than good chance if you bought it off
of some place like Amazon. It's
it might be made from, like, a reputable
company who's gotta sell and they're on Amazon,
but it could also, like, be shit and
crap and not a good one
because maybe it was cheap or whatever. Like,
could get another
could get another key,
for $20. Like, if you pay $20 for
your cock cage, I'm going to assume it
probably is not built to last.
But, yeah, like,
this
this chick is, like, all the red flags.
All the red flags. Yeah. Because
we have this great relationship,
but
I see a thing that bothers me and
my first reaction is to storm out, break
up, move out,
like, then it wasn't that great of a
relationship. It couldn't have been because it was
a great relationship that you desperately wanted to
keep.
You might storm into the bathroom while he's
in the shower and be like, what the
fuck is this? You might
cry your eyeballs out. Maybe you leave for
a little while to go calm down, go
talk to a friend, whatever you gotta do,
but you come the fuck back and be
like,
what?
Like, I just
I I would I would love for somebody
in our audience to reach out to me
and explain to me
things about the, cock cages. I'm curious. Because
I, you know, a lot a lot of
this conversation, even even people in the chat,
you know,
like, yeah, is there a time limit? I
mean, I,
you know,
I see things online with these people talking
about, you know, oh, my
mistress locked me up for a month, you
know? I'm thirty days in the cage. And
I'm damn, like, but, you know,
how do they go to the bathroom? Oh,
there are some that are built. Like, you
could still pee, and you could still, like,
get water and soap in there. Yeah. It
depends on the kind. I mean, it really
does depend on the kind. I've even read
articles about somebody who accidentally, and then some
people who have intentionally,
gone through airport security wearing their cage.
And the accidental,
it was a stainless steel one. And the
purposeful, it was like a plastic something or
a silicone something, something that wouldn't, like, make
the radar go off or whatever. Yeah. But
the guy who accidentally did it, that that
was a,
an uncomfortable moment for everybody involved. Yeah.
So, like, yeah. Here's
when you said you want somebody to reach
out to you and spend cockages, and I
think that's great, and I please feel free
to reach out to them. Here's what was
my immediate thought. There's not a submissive fucking
bone in your body. There might be bottom
energy, but there is not submissive energy in
your body.
But you are a fucking hedonist who loves
to try new shit. And I immediately thought,
is he gonna try a cock cage just
to see what it feels like, just to
get himself all worked up, and then
have take the fucker off and, like, have
fun with it?
One never knows. I could see you doing
it. I could see you doing it. You
know me too well. I could see you
doing it.
Just for the sensorial
experience of it. Yeah. Also, I can imagine.
I'm curious. I assume this. Tell me if
I'm wrong. If you had a partner that
wanted to be and you were willing to
put them in a cock cage,
I can see you at least kind of
trying it on to be like, how does
this fucking thing even work? Like, not wearing
it long term. Like Be curious about it.
Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, just like I've I've,
you know, tried vloggers. I tried paddles on
myself. You know?
It it helps me understand.
I just I just think the the
sensory and pleasure seeking,
part of you would be like, I'll just
wear this shit for, like, a couple hours.
Let's see what happens. The the the head
and the side of me are Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Mhmm. I mean, you've worn other things in
public that only I clocked.
And still, this
is bottom energy sure, submissive no, because guess
who was not allowed to touch the remote
control
as he was traveling forth in this world.
He wasn't giving me control of it. So,
she's, the asshole here Yeah. For probably all
kinds of reasons.
Yeah. You know, I'm not usually vindictive,
vengeful,
want revenge, or petty. But in this case,
for all all that I can imagine was
the history of their relationship,
Yeah. I don't blame him for fucking throwing
her makeup out after literally keeping him locked
in Yeah. An item for Right. You know,
an an unknown at that point amount of
time that it would have been. Yeah. Yeah.
No. That you know. No. He he was
as far as I'm
concerned, with
just from reading everything that's gone on, he
was well within his rights. Oh, yeah. Okay?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And
yeah. Okay.
So do you wanna try the one that
I was like, meh? The the sure. Okay.
Sure. I was like, hey. Maybe it leads
to a a a cool conversation.
Okay. But it was like, meh. What you
got? Tell you what, just,
pull some filler for a second. Okay.
This is filler. I'm giving filler. JB has
walked away.
Filler, filler, filler.
This is filler. Oh, you're too funny. I
know. I'm fucking hilarious. Y'all, he is well,
he's in the room, but he's walked away
and has
got something he needs to do, apparently.
But, like, it's not like he got up
and let Lola in or out and then
in and then out and then in and
then out again. She's looking like the yo
yo today.
And yet she is taking well, she's looking
like she's taking a nap. Don't worry. One
ear is up so she can listen.
Mhmm. Okay. Yeah. So
she's our best good girl, but, man, it's
in out, in out,
in out, in out today. It's feeling a
little stuffy in here.
Thank you.
We are we are hitting
Florida spring, which is, like, just Florida summer
light. Okay.
Here we go.
Am I the asshole
for not fully covering up bruises?
I, 21 female.
No. Let me start at the top because
I feel this. I feel like this is
kind of a dumb argument, but I'm second
guessing myself.
Okay. K. I, 21 female, have some high
impact hobbies, fighting sports, and I and I'm
exploring kink safely. So I usually have bruises
at any given time. For the kink bruises,
I do try to make sure that they
stay in bathing suit areas or places normally
covered by clothing since they're often more identifiable,
but it's not always possible between the two
pastimes.
If anyone asks, they're sports bruises. It's never
really been a problem before
now except for when I dress out at
the gym.
Much love to the older ladies who kindly
but mistakenly
slipped me domestic violence crisis numbers and asked
if I need to talk. They're doing the
Lord's work. Yes. They are.
It's really hot where I live right now,
like, worse than usual this year. So I
live in shorts and tank tops when not
at work.
All my friends know what's up and aren't
bothered by it. So when we're hanging out,
I don't always go to the extra trouble
to cover up.
The one exception is Anna, twenty two female.
Anna found out by accident through someone else
that I'm into kink and has been really
weird and snide about it ever since.
I just came off a really great tournament
weekend, so I'm pretty marked up. My apartment
complex has a pool, so I and some
friends who live in the same complex were
hanging out and cooling off yesterday evening.
Anna showed up with one of them and
flipped her shit when she saw me, saying
that I'm disgusting for flaunting my bruises and
that I'm retraumatizing
abuse survivors by not being fully covered up.
She left in a huff when I argued
that I'm not exactly skimpily dressed in a
one piece swimsuit
and that she knows full well these are
sports bruises given that I posted a video
of my final four bout to the group
chat on Sunday.
Since then, she's been demanding an apology for
being exposed to my kink without consent.
Some of the friends think I should apologize
to shut her up, while others think she's
nuts. I just don't think existing in public
with bruises is anything to apologize for? Y'all
tell me. She's not. No. Maybe nuts is
unkind, but she's fucking nuts. What the hell?
Sorry. I needed to say that. What what
do you think,
daddy?
It's unkind of me to call her nuts,
but also Well she's judgy.
You know, and and that and that's the
thing I was thinking about. You know what?
I I almost wanna say
to to to one aspect that, you know,
well, Anna kind of does have a point,
but.
She only has a point because she knows
and she doesn't approve of the kink. Yeah.
Being exposed to the kink will be watching
this chick get her bruises. Right.
Or knowing that every single bruise on her
body is a kink thing and that it's
being actively talked about where Anna clearly is
not feeling comfortable. But she doesn't hasn't seemed
to have spoken up that she's uncomfortable either.
Yeah. She's just being judgmental. Well, and and
that's A path of a graph though. Exactly.
You know,
reading how she worded her thing,
you know, I mean,
if it was somebody who's, like, you know,
be like,
you know, I see you got those bruises.
I know, you know, they could be from
one or the other thing, but don't you
think
showing that might
affect some people in some way? You know,
I I I It that's a hard one.
If I know for a fact
that I'm gonna be in spaces or I'm
with a group of people and I'm like
moderately sure
that somebody, especially somebody I know and care
about, is triggered by it, I'm gonna do
my fucking best to cover it up.
If I don't wanna have to explain it,
which she clearly talks about, cover up.
But if she's trying to keep kink bruises
in swimsuit areas so that nobody has to
see that Yeah. That's the responsibility she bears
to the public, quite frankly. And the other
bruises are from sports
Right. Then the what the little old ladies
at the gym do, perfect. Spot on. That's
what we should all do if we are
uncertain. Are you okay? Do you need help?
Let a person go, yeah. Yeah. I got
this doing MMA. I got this doing this.
I got you know? You don't have to
tell anybody, hey, sports bruises, that's a great
excuse for kinksters who do not play sports,
but sometimes they'll get bruised where other people
can see them.
This
the
I want to always, always, always be sensitive
to other people's triggers
because I have my own and we all
have our things and, man, a trigger can
fuck you up.
And so
when in at certain times and in certain
spaces when you can basically be guaranteed that
there is somebody
in your vicinity who is directly interacting with
you, that they might be triggered by this,
then yes. For me, as a sense of
personal responsibility,
I'm gonna do my best to minimize those
triggers. However,
we cannot walk through public life
worried that the random person across the parking
lot saw something. I don't want them to
be triggered. I don't want the motherfucker who
did it to them that triggered them to
have done it to them. Right?
But if I only can take so bear
so much personal responsibility,
And the rest of the time, I just
gotta fucking live my life. I know. You
know? Like, it it would be a little
bit different if the marks and bruises were,
like, you choked me out and I got,
like, cuff burns on my wrist. I would
probably not go out for a little bit
because now I look like a kidnap victim.
Like, people are gonna have questions. Right.
But, like,
what Anna could have done was said, I
am really uncomfortable knowing that some of these
bruises are from kink. Maybe invited the conversation.
That would be up to this person, how
much they wanted to talk to this person.
But then at that point,
if that person is the only one in
the group who has a problem with it,
then that person hangs out with the other
people in other ways.
You remove yourself from the situation
if you're the only fucking one in the
group that doesn't like it.
That's your responsibility,
I think. Now there will be times where
you cannot remove yourself, and that's where we
use our our big kid voices, and we
go, hey. I am so uncomfortable.
I know I'm probably asking a lot, blah
blah blah blah blah. Right? Mhmm. But she
was at basically at home
at a pool on a hot day. What
is she supposed to do? Because one person
who never fucking talked to her
is super sensitive
and judgmental about kink. Mhmm. Because
that was not her saying I am triggered.
That was her going, somebody could be triggered.
How dare you? Right. This is gross. This
is awful. You're a bad person because you
do kink.
Yeah.
Now everybody has to, like,
find their, like, their own path. Mhmm. If
for you, you're like, I'm not gonna do
anything I think might even trigger a stranger.
I'm gonna watch myself. I support that. And
if I'm you know, we all have our
blind spots. I don't know what I don't
know. You know, if I'm thinking about it,
it's why when I go to the doctor's
office, I try not to wear anything with
a scent because I had one doctor's office
say, oh, by the way, don't come in
here with perfume on because
we affect other patients. We have people with
allergies, and I think it was an allergy
specialist who said it. Right? And that for
me meant I now don't go to a
a place of medical anything wearing a lot
of scent or any scent on me if
I can help it, because now I'm aware
of those things. So accommodating
strangers, I think, is wonderful,
but sometimes we just fucking exist. Yeah. Yeah.
And I don't think she was being irresponsible
by existing with a group who understood what
they were seeing and a willingness to talk
about if somebody came up and said, what
are you okay?
What happened to you?
You know? Yeah.
I mean, you know, there's
you you could look at this in so
many different ways. And I think everybody's entitled
to have their own response in how they
would behave in that situation. Absolutely. I mean,
in this person's case,
the bruises are not all from kink. And
most of them in this situation, they just
had a match. They would be covered in
bruises. Right. And, you know, then like I
say, you look at it from different things,
you know, it's like,
in a way, you know, you could say,
well, did other people consent to seeing those
kind of things? You know, so it it's
it's And yet, think about this. We walk
around public. I have to see shit I
didn't consent to all the
time. Politics in America exists. I didn't consent
to that shit.
Right? We walk around in life and we
see people doing shit and as long as
it's not harmful or illegal and harmful by
by whatever standard you have for that,
there are people I watch people walk down
the fucking sidewalks with MAGA hats on.
I'm offended, but I don't tell them to
take it off. Mhmm. You know what I
mean? There's, like, there's there's a line. There
is really line. If she was being paraded
down the road by her dom
whipping her at the back,
yeah, that's a problem.
I'm gonna say that's public kink. Stop that
shit. That's irresponsible.
But I'm existing in my body and my
body happens to have bruises.
I mean, sometimes bruises not in this person's
situation. They have a very specific situation. Right.
But there are people who bruise because you
touched them a little too hard. They have,
like like, whether it's, chronic conditions or, like,
skin stuff or whatever whatever.
I mean, should they have to walk around
all the time worried and cover themselves up?
Like, I just there's gotta everybody has their
own individual line. I'm not trying to tell
anybody what your I'm not daddy, I'm not
trying to tell you what your line is.
Like, if you're like, hell no. That that's
too far from me. I'm gonna cover that
up. I don't
I support that, but I'm not gonna judge
somebody else who is like, all my friends
know. I have a reasonable explanation. I'm at
home. Yes. The public space. And they're not
engaging in the thing that causes bruises.
True. True. And they do what so many
kinksters do. They have a response for when
it is a kink bruise that they couldn't
hide. It's a sports bruise. It's the same
reason when people ask me what I do
for a living, I'm like, I'm a freelance
writer who writes about business. We know that's
bullshit.
But I'm not inviting
total strangers
into that. In that space. Yeah. Neither is
this person. Yeah. Neither is this person.
Yeah.
Junie brought up a good thing in the
live chat. Mhmm. It was not okay for
one friend to outer to another
friend. Because maybe she didn't tell Anna the
friend because she knew Anna could not handle
it. Yeah. I mean, sometimes we don't tell
people shit because we know they're not the
one to tell. We might not know why
they're not the one to tell, but we
know. Don't tell that one this thing. They
will not handle it well, and this is
proof.
But I'm still, like
I I think it's because we've I've been
reading a lot of questions, and we did
one for an episode where the the person
asking the question is, like, in their twenties,
and so I'm officially at an age. I
could be your mama. And so I'm going
full on mom with some of this stuff,
and I'm like, okay. I'm looking at their
age. There's a lot of growth and wisdom,
hopefully, to come in their future.
Right. This is how I don't want 21
year olds to behave. I think you were
capable of more maturity. Right. But I'm also
not surprised by it. Mhmm.
You know, I wanna tell the original poster,
I I get why you were second guessing
it. Don't second guess yourself. You're doing okay.
There's always room for improvement. There's always room
for improvement. There's always room for maybe I
can be more careful in the future with
blah blah blah. Right? Of course. Mhmm.
But
they weren't
they were not
doing something wrong by just existing in their
body, and it happened to have bruises on
it. I mean, that would that would be
like telling a victim you should not go
out because somebody else might see you in
your bruises. I don't like that either. That's
not a good one
either. Like, yeah. I I think I think
to be a responsible citizen in the world,
if you are aware
of things that can be super
psychologically
bothering to somebody, if you can minimize it
too.
Mhmm. But,
I mean, sometimes you gotta exist in the
world and the world's gotta suck.
And so now you you learn better. Over
time, you learn more and then you can
choose to do better and more. Yeah. True.
True.
So,
silent pointed out, oh, this was the meh
question.
Right?
Alright. Well, I think it was because to
me, it was not quite directly related to
kink. Mhmm. It was related to all kinds
of other topics, and I was like Kink.
Meh.
Yeah. Yeah. But
apparently,
I felt strongly about that one. I did
not bully you into seeing my side of
things. Did I, daddy? Nope. Okay. Good. Mm-mm.
You still feel like an autonomous human being
with your own fucking opinions on it? Yes.
Okay. Good. Okay.
Look. Look.
I am too self aware for my own
good. And I know I have one of
those strong personalities
that is ready and willing to convince the
world that I am correct.
The thing I actively do is go, wait.
Wait. Your opinion is not the only opinion,
which is why I say it so often.
One, to to
reinforce that for y'all, but also
to reinforce it to myself.
My god.
Okay.
Can I?
Yeah. I guess we could do a bonus
section now. I am so hot.
Can can when we can we close the
door thing? And then can I run and
get my hair tie? Yeah. See, I'll take
one time of leaving you by yourself after
five times of leaving me by myself. Okay.
Alright. So we're good? I don't know.
Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you
next week.
I'll be right back. Okay. You'll be right
back. I'll be here. When I get back,
can I talk to the crickets? Yes. You
can. Okay. Yes. You can. I need So
I hear back. In the meantime alright. Let
me set that there. So okay.
Here we all are.
Filler. Do filler. Filler. Right? I'm filling. I'm
filling.
No. We're gonna
do our best to keep it from going
sideways.
We we don't like when things go sideways.
So
anyhoo,
as,
Kayla said, yeah, we're kinda warming up in
here. We're
sliding into, Florida summer.
I think we're, what, about 87 degrees today?
86, 80 seven? In here.
Yeah. I am so hot.
Yeah. I cannot look in the mirror. I
just pulled it back. Okay.
Okay. I'm back.
Yeah. It it's crept up on us.
I'm thinking
I was feeling something in the humidity,
force last night and that's why I did
not sleep.
Jenny.
Ginny, I wish more people could be filmed
by JB. I think
that the world might enjoy that. I know
he would enjoy that.
And if he told me about it later,
because I don't like to watch, I would
enjoy that
later. I don't like to watch, but I
do like to know.
Man, some shit this man has come back
from some times out and told me. I'm
like,
that's what erotica
smut is written made of. Yes. Tell me
more. Don't make me watch it, but tell
me more.
Oh my gosh.
So, yeah, I think I felt a shift
in the temperature force
and the humidity force last night, and that
is why I did not sleep.
Like, I
I don't sleep
well.
I'm most people don't sleep well. But I
I have we have all the techniques in
place, all the tricks, all the things we
found that work so I can fall asleep
easily. Usually,
on a bad night, it's usually twenty minutes
takes me to fall asleep. But most nights,
it's about ten to fifteen minutes.
Hour and a half minimum last night.
And
I love John Brownstone. Oh, gone. He is
the light of my life.
He is not leaving this earthly plane without
me. But
but I've never wanted to kick somebody out
of bed so bad. So here's the thing.
We have a queen-size bed that's not an
awful sized bed. It fits us just perfectly.
I am now jonesing for a king or
a California king, quite frankly.
But what so what it used to be
when we first moved in together, he was
always super warm and I was always
so cold. Like, that was the joke. I
always had cold hands and cold feet and
I put them on his hot body. Hot
in any way you would like to see
that.
And now we flipped. He is always cold.
Y'all, it was hot in this house this
morning. He's walking around in his bath robe,
like, his fuzzy like, and his slippers on
to cover up. Oh my god. Mhmm. I'm
sweating just looking at you.
So
when he and he loves to snuggle.
If you need a cuddle buddy, you need
a JB. Because this not only is he
good at cuddling,
he fucking
loves it.
How do I know? Because he latches on
to me like a Reese's monkey in the
middle of the night
every night.
Every night. And sometimes it's real fun because
he in his sleep, he'll grab a tit,
he'll grab my cooch like his pansy.
But
I cannot fall asleep if I'm being touched
at all. Like, any kind of touch, I
cannot fall asleep. And I wake up
the moment we make made skin to skin
contact just, like, for just a few minutes
because it gets so hot. It's like a
boiling point, like, just that one spot where
we might be touching.
And also when he rolls over to hang
off of me like a Reese's monkey,
I get and we measured it because you
know I'm a petty bitch. I get literally
eight inches of space. Now for those of
you who can see my physical body,
you know there's not a part of my
body that can only fit in eight inches
of space.
So when I could not fall asleep last
night,
it was too hot in the room. Even
though I had the fan blowing on me,
I felt the air kick on twice.
It was not enough
because
I like to have my, like, comf, like
it's not a comforter but like a thicker
blanket on because that's cozy to me and
I fall asleep when I'm cozy but not
hot.
There's a it's a balance
but it was too hot for that every
time I pulled the good blanket up. I
just start sweating. Full body.
So I tried doing the sheet, but that
wasn't enough and it didn't feel right and
my body's like, we don't sleep like this,
you can't fall asleep like this. And then
TWICE,
twice, I had to push JB to get
him back to his side.
Both times, he eventually rolled over to his
other side, huffed and then giggled. He giggles
anytime I interact with him in the middle
of the night and, yes, he's asleep. He
never remembers it. But now he also adds
a huff,
like, I get it. If I had to
be pushed over every night, I might get
annoyed in my sleep too. But I'm annoyed
in my wake. I'm annoyed with eyes wide
open because I just wanna lay flat on
my back. I wanna adjust my pillow.
I wanna just I want nothing and nobody
to be touching me so there's no hot
extra hot points on my skin. That's all
I want.
And I truly did almost get up in
the middle of the night and go sit
on the couch, but then I knew I
would never fall asleep there either because that's
the wrong,
position. I don't sleep while sitting up. It'll
kill my neck. I wouldn't be able to
move my neck today. And the dog and
the cats would be very like, I was
like, it's bad no matter what the fuck
I do.
Eventually, I fell asleep.
But I'm very cranky about it. I'm exhausted.
So tired.
Y'all, I was so tired. I've barely read
my book today because I cannot focus on
the words. That is not like me. That
is not like me. Man, I But then
again, I I did get up at one
point during the middle of the night, and
I came back to bed.
And right where I should be
getting into bed, there was a knee.
I was trying to get comfortable.
You know, I know I'm not, like, some
perfect angel sleeper.
The thing is I'm just awake more than
you are. Like, you get up to pee
and then you have to come and, like,
See, you would also like it if I
snuggled up to you. You'd be like, oh,
this is because he comfy. I fall asleep
like this. And I'm over here going, oh
my god. If I am touched for one
more second, I don't care how much I
love him. I'm going to scream.
Yeah. Ben, that's kind of where we are.
And we don't even normally keep our thermostat
at 73 because Yeah. The temperature outside is
really not that awful. So we would have
to keep it low to even get the
AC to turn on. Doesn't matter. It's still
still so fucking hot already. And it's all
ready. We're just at the March.
I we I expected this temperature and this
change. Like, it's time. It's a little late,
actually.
We got a cold spell,
air quote that cold spell, a cool spell
Yeah. Later in March than I would normally
thought we would. Correct.
So I'm not surprised by it, but I'm
also still surprised by it.
Mhmm. Mhmm. Because it's, like, just
Yeah.
Yeah. Lola is not wreaking havoc right now.
Nope. She's over there. She's she's moved. She
moved. She's on the floor near her bed.
But not in her bed. Not in her
bed. No. No.
She's doing that fake sleeping thing. She's pretending
she's sleeping, but her ear is up listening.
Asked if we want some of this. It's
snowing again. I just I'm not saying anything
concrete because we have not said anything concrete,
but I will tell
you, JB and I have had serious conversations
over the past week or so Yeah. About
which,
non southern
state we might want to move to. Mhmm.
And all of the ones that might work
for why we might want to move
all have snow. Yeah.
Yep.
We're not, we're not actively planning a move.
No. But we are being aware that there
could be reasons we decide that's the right
choice. Yeah.
I mean, it's not at the top of
my list right now,
but if we have to, we have to.
Yeah.
Yeah. So Yep. It's a health and well-being
Yeah. Thing.
Mhmm. Not a, I'd like to go live
in snow and never leave my house from
the first time it snows to the last
time it snows. Because y'all know I'm not
driving in it.
Y'all, I've already halfway given up driving at
night. I'm not driving in fucking snow. Just
get me a snowblower. I ain't shoveling no
snow. I'm being no. You're not allowed. You're
not leaving this earthly plane like that.
It's not like it's dangerous for certain for
people's health of a certain age range to
shovel snow.
You'll you'll get a snowblower. I'll be your
snowblower, but that's a different thing entirely.
Now you look like I got white down
there.
Yeah. We
I like,
of sheer,
like, stubbornness, I don't wanna leave Florida because
I have memories of when Florida was not
the Florida that it is today.
The current reason we're not actively going, yeah.
I think we'll move, is because the oldest
still kinda depends on us.
And while he's in college, he's got two
years left. Yeah.
If he had, like, a not quite a
big boy job, but, like, a college big
boy job and a car Mhmm.
I could probably make that decision right now.
Yeah. He does not have either of those
things. So I since we can be so
close, I would prefer to stay close, but
there are things
in our personal life that could change that
decision.
And so
we're just sitting back
and waiting. I did say, JB, I was
like, if we do move,
I want to go where the cost of
living is not Florida cost of living. Yeah.
But we don't have income tax, and that's
a personal debate on whether you would think
that's a good thing or bad thing. I'm
not I just know we don't have personal
income tax, and, yeah, that's a savings or
tax time.
However,
our auto insurance is fifth highest in the
nation. Our home insurance is
what? Three third or fourth, maybe fifth in
the nation and going higher. Yeah. One day,
the the,
Peninsula part of Florida is gonna break off
and float away into the Mhmm.
Atlantic
Ocean.
Yeah. So, like, I mean, there's good reasons
to maybe not. But You know, I could
I could
go off on it, but I'm not. I'm
gonna hold my tongue. I know. Because it
it gets your blood pressure up. And, Robert
made making a good,
plug for Virginia there. Look. Look. I'm,
volunteering on some Get Out the Vote campaigns
for the Virginia primaries and general election.
And Yep.
Yeah. We we have a special election going
on here in Florida. We already went and
voted. We voted. We gotta go collect the
19 year old, bring him home so he
can vote.
Mhmm.
And,
I don't think I've ever
voted in a special election before, mostly because
I'm like, why do I care if I
vote for this Republican or that Republican? Yeah.
They're kind of all the same in our
area. I mean, some are worse than others.
But you know what I mean? Like, it's
I'm not voting on, like, different platforms. Right?
It's just
So I don't usually go to do special
elections. I've never been to one to see
how fast it is to vote. Yeah. Yeah.
We are fortunate to have early voting.
True. So
they haven't taken that away yet. Mm-mm.
So, yeah, we went on the day early
voting opened. And Saturday the weekends for early
voting tend to be pretty fucking crazy
for every election I've ever done, but I've
never done a special election. So we walked
in. There was no line. There was just
walk up to the person, get your ballot,
and it's one thing on the ballot because
it's the special election. I was like, oh,
I don't know. Let me think real hard
on this. Now I have to think real
hard on this.
Voted for my guy.
Don't lie.
So
but yeah.
I don't know.
Man, Rara is,
Right? She's making Rara, you need to go
work with the the kinky real estate community
Right. Industry
in your
state. Rara's like, look. We got some houses.
Right. Right. We're we're blue and Oh, yeah.
Kink community, you know,
sound enough. I know. But let's just let's
just tell you how you know, you start
looking around. Grass is always greener on the
other side. I know that. Yeah. But I'm
looking around the country going where
based on
politics and politicians and people I respect and
admire. Where might I want to live? And
when I realized
Minnesota
was on my list, I was like, that's,
like,
half a step from Canada. That's that's so
far north. That's so far north.
So I don't know. I've never lived outside
of the South in my whole ass life.
I've only traveled
as North as Baltimore,
Maryland
1 time. Like, the idea of it like,
y'all know I'm already an anxious fucking bitch.
Like,
travel anxiety alone gets me. I'm just
but if we need to, we need to.
I've I've been a long time removed now,
but, you know, grew up in Upstate New
York. Which is how you won't want to,
but I know you I you could drive
us through snow. Yeah. I don't think you
could handle my anxiety.
You'd have to sedate me, quite frankly. I'd
be doing home delivery for everything. I'm not
going in. We we probably have to,
blindfold you, gag you. Kinky. Yeah. Don't don't
put the 15 year old in the car,
though. Actually, and
and for all that I I'm
for
health safety, well-being
reasons, we might move. I don't wanna move.
I don't wanna take the 15 year old
away from their therapist.
They're amazing therapists.
Anyway. Yeah. Anyhoo.
But I'm not gonna lie. Regardless of why
we might consider it, why we may not,
whatever whatever, the idea of being somewhere not
this hot and humid at this time of
You know,
Tayshoo in the chat was saying how it
was 80 degrees today and it's too soon,
you know, and he's not over last summer.
And I'm kind of the same either. I'm
not over it either, and I am dreading
what's ahead.
Yeah. You were
we usually try to work, air quote, more
in the summer because it's slower, so we
have more time. But this is the you're
you're like, do you think I could actually
work less so I don't have to be
up there as much? I'm like, I could
see how we could make that work. Yeah.
Because you're not passing out from heat exhaustion
on my watch. What the hell? My my
big thing that I am not looking forward
to is
really need to find a way to get
the riding mower fixed
or get because I cannot do another summer
No. If the summer is like last year.
No. Pushing them over. No. You should not.
Not not up to that anymore. No.
No.
You need to become nocturnal. Yeah.
Like a bat? You're right. I mean, by
some definitions, I'm probably an old bat net
by now.
God, I think I just I just aged
myself by even knowing that expression.
Anyway Yeah.
I kinda wanna hang out, but I got
stuff I gotta go to. I know. I
got stuff And I don't really have anything
to talk about. Mhmm.
So I guess we don't need to hang
out, but I, you know Yeah. I get
it. I also have to run to the
post office, but that is also how I'm
gonna get a Diet Coke today. So I
have to go to the post office.
Yep. Yep. Yep.
So Anyway, I guess we should go. Mhmm.
Thank you everybody for staying, for being here,
especially to the bitter end when it gets
weirder than even in the middle.
And it's already weird.
We will be back next week.
I see. I feel your pain. Oh, yeah.
Orlando is so hot.
Mhmm.
So, yeah. We're gonna go. Yep. Okay. Alright.
Bye. Bye.