You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lords here with the one, the only,
the light of my life.
Wow. The, daddy to my
whatever. I don't know.
Because I started out with good intentions. I
wanted to say something, like, deep and meaningful
and And then I just I don't I
didn't Fell off cliff. I don't know how
to do those
things. You gotta practice. I'm not built that
way. I'm sorry. That's
way too much sentimentality
having to be spoken out loud. Can't I
just give you a look across
a room and you know exactly what it
means just like all the romance novels talk
about? Okay. Scorpio, but from hell.
No. Yeah. If I'm giving you a look
across the room, I'm probably like, are you
fucking kidding me? Right.
Yeah. That's what we're talking about this week.
This week, we have a question from Adam
who knows it makes their sub happy to
call them mommy, but it's a jarring term
for them because they are a mom. It's
just they're they're having feelings and they had
questions. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If
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That's lovingBDSM.net,
or you can find the link in the
show notes page.
Okay. Let's get into the question. Mhmm. I
stepped back into the BDSM lifestyle as a
dom about two years ago after an eighteen
year hiatus.
Sexuality and kink have long been passions of
mine. And even when I wasn't living my
truth as a dominant, I've always been very
passionate about the proverbial never yuck someone else's
young mentality, and I have zero tolerance for
kink shaming.
I've been very fortunate these last two and
a half years to find amazing resources such
as your podcast. Thank you. Thank you. And
I've met some really amazing people including my
fantast my current submissive.
We met about six months ago. He has
been a fantastic submissive, and it has been
great fun witnessing our evolution both individually and
together.
Our communication foundation is strong and one of
the things I am most proud of about
our dynamic.
Many of our kink needs align, but like
most things in life, nothing is perfect.
I recall a while back JB mentioning that
initially he had challenges with the daddy role
and title.
My submissive is very interested in adding a
mommy title to our dynamic. With him, my
Dom energy is definitely motherly,
caring and nurturing and I enjoy calling him
my good boy very much.
Mommy has slipped out a few times in
our play lately and in the moment I
let it slide. It's not a hard limit.
However, I am actually a mother, so it's
jarring to hear it directed at me during
our scenes.
I know he would absolutely stop saying it
if I asked him to, but I know
how much pleasure it would give him if
I allowed it. And like many dominants, I'm
all about using the things that pleasure my
submissive to my full sadistic advantage.
So I would love to hear any advice
that you can give, especially from you, JB,
about how you came to be okay with
the daddy title.
Well, you know, yeah. I I was not,
okay with it at first.
You flat out rejected it and laughed your
ass off when I asked.
And
and I guess, you know, it it was
because of the
daddy
title per se. Now I'm I'm curious.
You previous to me had not you had
not raised a child who referred to you
as daddy. You have raised children Correct. But
did they never referred to you as dad,
daddy. So okay. So you didn't have that
kind of situation. Okay.
And and yet even though I didn't raise
Mhmm. Kids, I still had that Absolutely. Perception.
Absolutely. You were their dad, for sure for
sure. Okay.
So,
you know, to
use daddy for me in a different application
was weird. Mhmm. Was very weird.
And I think I grew
past that
because I realized that
the two are diametrically different.
Mhmm. Okay? Very very diametrically different.
It it took a bit for that to
sink in. I'm not gonna lie. Mhmm. But
it eventually did.
So there was no there I know okay.
Let me back up. I know the first
time I asked you because I was asking
if you thought you could be a daddy
dom Mhmm. Because I was learning at the
time and I was applying my knowledge and
he fit the bill.
And you
and you laughed and went no.
I'm curious though. Mhmm.
I'm curious
if it was
the term itself
or it was the idea of
what daddy meant, if it was both. It
was a little bit of both, but mostly
the idea of what
daddy meant. In a kink sense? No. Outside
the kink sense. So this is what I'm
trying to get to. Yeah. Then I'm trying
really hard to get there, and I'm not
asking the questions very well. So when I
was asking you about being a daddy dom,
was it less about what it means in
kink and more about the association? Okay. Okay.
That's where I'm like, it wasn't that you
were like, oh, daddy doms. I don't wanna
be that kind of dom. I always thought
it was. I took it to mean No.
That you didn't like that kink. It it
had to do with the literal Mhmm. Gotcha.
Use of the word. Okay. Okay? We're now
all on the same page
after all these years. I've been calling you
daddy a very long time. Have at this
point. Yeah. So the first time I did
call you because I did not immediately just
call you that. We talked about the dynamic.
You had your response,
and yet
I did a thing I I I would
not say everybody should do
because I had to take it on a
little bit of faith that I would not
freak you out so much that you would
be upset with me. Because first, I asked
you about it. Right. And you're like, nope.
But then your behavior continued to like, I
just kept reading
daddy's arm into it.
And then in a very intimate
naked sweaty moment, I called you daddy and
you have this big reaction.
So when you heard it in that context
In in the in that moment
in at
at that time,
and I can't even say exactly what it
was Mhmm. At this point especially.
But something just clicked. Mhmm. It just felt
right in that moment. And it felt right
in that moment,
and and from that point on, I was
able to begin grasping that moniker. Okay. So
then that's what I'm curious about for this
person's question, anybody else who's going through it.
Once you heard it and it felt okay,
okay, what was that thought process? What was
that energy
to go from, oh, this isn't the worst
I've ever heard? And his response proved at
the moment it was not the worst thing
you'd ever heard Yeah. To just accepting, yeah,
that's who you are. Like, what was that
like? For me at that point, then I
kind of started doing my own,
research. Mhmm. Okay.
And and as I kinda saw what was,
you know, involved with all this and what,
you know, the
the tenants of a daddy dom were, I
was like, oh,
yeah. That does kinda Am I looking into
a mirror right now? Yeah. Yeah.
So that's, you know, kinda where Mhmm.
So for you,
it feels a little
a little less like this particular
journey that this person's on because we talked
about it. You rejected it. I went out
on a big old limb. I could have
been very, very wrong.
It was intuitive for me, and speaking to
other subs who might wanna try this, I
I wouldn't recommend you just throw out a
a term, an endearment at a partner without
really feeling like you know them and you've
got that connection. Like, if there's any doubt,
go ahead and wait wait that one out.
Because I wanted to say it for ages
before I finally went, this just feels right
in the moment. And, like, I am y'all,
I was getting my brains plowed out. Yeah.
I was hanging off the side of a
bed, and I'm still because my brain compartmentalizes.
So I was still going, look. If he
doesn't like it, you'll just apologize and you'll
move on and it'll be okay. Yeah. But
I was like, this feels so right, and
so I did it. That won't be true
for everybody if you don't feel that Right.
Don't do it. Absolutely. I would not recommend
that. Now in this person's case, the thought
that came to me when I was reading
their question was, okay. It doesn't sound like
for you, the vibe was off. You were
not comfortable with the caregiver vibe at first.
And it was less the title is for
us was intricately
linked, but it was the what does that
even mean part. It sounds to me like
for this
person, it's the vibe is fine. They're kinda
happy to be that Yeah. With their partner.
It's the Maybe it's the term. The term.
Right. And and, you know, that that's something
that is has been a a quest
in the community for a long time. Mhmm.
Because not everybody does like those titles.
Now at the same time,
this one here.
Okay.
Would absolutely freak out if somebody else started
calling me. It's the only thing I'm super
possessive about. Like It is. You have been
a caregiver, Dom, for other partners, and I
don't have a problem with that. I just
said, look, I'm gonna get you to find
a different term. I don't
if you had objected,
if you had objected and said, I'm this
is the right term for me, we would
have had to talk. I would have had
to, like we'd have to work it out.
Yeah. Thankfully, your partners and you
were like, we're gonna let Kayla just be
crazy. It'll be fine.
Yeah. But yeah. But, you know, and and,
you know, we we have a long time,
friend and,
you know, she calls me papa bear. Mhmm.
You know? So you you you may need
to try playing with different terms.
You know, papa bear, mama bear? Maybe.
I I know some people use the term
puppy, peppy. Poppy. Poppy and mommy. Yeah. I'm
not gonna try and do an accent consultant.
But you y'all know. If you know, you
know. Yeah. So, you know, there there's there's
different things like that that you can, you
know
Absolutely. In in preparation for this question, I
have I found on Reddit ages ago,
somebody a kinkster created,
a Google document
for as many,
honorifics and terms both for doms and subs
that they could compile from their own community.
It's a massive list. I bet. I bet.
One for Dom's, one for Saps.
One, I will link those in the places
for anybody who's just curious to see what
kinds of terms people use. And two, I
went and was like, is there anything
that that to me not knowing y'all specifically,
but to me, like, jumps out as, oh,
this could be an alternative if it vibes.
Right? Mhmm. So I wrote some down in
our in our little notes here. Ah. A
couple did make me couple did make me
giggle.
So somebody has done dommy.
So it's dom with the instead of saying
mommy. The one that that really made me
giggle was dommy mommy.
I don't know why that tickles me, but
it does. And it if it's the just
the idea of mommy because you are a
mother,
then don't, like, twist yourself into knots to
try and make that work. The other thing
that you mentioned is trying the term for
mother or mommy or mom in other languages.
Now I did I did a quick
search. A lot of them are very similar,
maybe just pronounced differently.
Yeah.
Then there's also
forms of the word mom that maybe your
own children never used. You know? Mhmm. To
this day, my mother I am 45.
My mother is in her sixties. She is
still mama because that's that's her name. Okay?
That's her name, and I'm southern, and I've
never called her anything else. So
I could conceivably
refer to
somebody else if I was in that kind
of role in
mother.
Mommy? No. Because my children
call me have still when they're trying to
be sweet, will call me mommy.
And they get what they want because it
melts my heart.
So then there's, I saw caregiver, like, the
very formal caregiver. Mhmm. I saw one that
was caretaker, and I immediately started singing the
Ghostbusters theme song in my head.
Miss and Your Name,
that is, stereotypically kind of a Southern vibe
kind of thing. We do that a lot
or used to. It's older,
generations now, where you're like, when you're introducing
a child to an adult,
it's more common to go miss and then
last name, but it's very common in
more emotionally intimate vibes, like this person is
a family friend or, you know, an elder,
miss
Mary, miss Susan. Right?
And that might be an option. I saw
somebody do Maddie combo of mom and daddy.
Okay. I was like, okay. Okay.
And then, you know, you could even go,
like, real, like, high fancy and madam. Mhmm.
That might be too fancy for the vibe
you're going for, but it really is all
about the vibe and it is about I
think about thinking outside of the box. If
the term
is too closely connected to other parts of
your life and and the term itself kinda
gets you out of the headspace and gives
you feelings that you don't wanna have, but
you want to be able to have this
connection with your partner,
There's nothing wrong with thinking outside the box
and going coming up with another term that
you both
connect to. So like I said, I'm gonna
link to those lists. Those lists have been
invaluable to me for a few things.
I'm very grateful to that person who
who compiled those lists. They're they're massive.
I bet. I bet. And I'm I don't
know if the person adds to them all
the time or not. I I haven't noticed
that. But
so yeah. For anybody who's like, the terms
that seem air quote standard do not fit.
Yeah. Feel free to get creative for sure
for sure. I I even have heard,
people use coach.
Oh, yeah. I've recommended coach, boss,
judge. I've seen captain. I know for a
fact we've met, a couple that they use
captain. Yep.
And they've even used other, like, doctor.
And they were not doing medical play. That
was just a title that worked. Right? What's
up, doc?
Yeah. I can't
You just you just have to get a
carrot and then, you
know, conduct an,
an orchestra and an opera or something.
Anyway
God, I feel old now.
So yeah. I I think the first thing
to solve for yourself, is it the vibe
or is it the term? If if you're
good with the caregiver vibe,
you know, some there's something to the idea
of just the more you hear the term
associated with you outside of your actual parenting
role,
maybe you'll get used to it. But I
don't think anybody should have to get used
to something that they don't want to get
used to. Like any almost anything can be
normalized.
If it feels better to just find another
term that resonates
with both of you, that is the thing
I would I would say. I we have
long
talked about
do I wish my father was still alive?
I mean, mostly. I might send him therapy
bills. But,
but if my dad was still alive he
was daddy. Okay? My whole life, I never
called him anything else.
It never worked. He didn't like it. I
was
k? And I've always said, if he had
been alive when I met JB and figured
out I was kinky and figured out I
was a baby girl, I don't know what
if I could have done it. I really
don't because in my mind, that connection was
a little too close.
But I didn't have to worry about that.
I have I've made that very do you
wanna know how weird it is now?
When I talk about my father
to anybody who would have known I called
him daddy, I cannot say daddy.
I'm like, my dad, my father, you know?
It because now daddy has the association with
you.
And it don't feel right. So I don't
know what I would have done if he
was still living. Really don't. I'm glad I'm
I'm not glad he's gone, but I'm glad
I didn't have to decide. Right? Have that
wing on you. Right. And I, you know,
I can't imagine being a mommy, but I
can absolutely
understand
if another person who I was not the
parent of
used that term for me. I think it
would be jarring for me. I don't think
I could make I could disconnect and compartmentalize
like that.
You're well you know, you're welcome to just
see if you get used to it enough
times and then it doesn't matter or mean
anything. But I I think,
you know, just find another word that means
something to the two of you that Right.
That feels
that gives your sub that same feeling and
resonates better with you. You know? The
the thing that keeps coming to mind with
a lot of what we talk about
in in all facets of power exchange
is just how customizable
kink is. Yeah. Like, every facet of it,
you get to customize and make it work
for yourself. So, yes, there are certain titles
and labels and terms
that we hear most often that are the
stereotype, that are the cliche,
that feel but are not air quote standard.
Right? Because nothing we do in kink is
standard. That's kind of like the point. Right?
And I think most people just don't realize
that they have alternatives and other options that
they can try to see if that feels
better
than the examples that are most prominent and
most public. True. True. And this is just
one of those examples.
Mhmm.
Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q
and a episode. If you want us to
answer one of your your questions, just use
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or you can find the link in the
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