1 00:00:10,639 --> 00:00:13,119 You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla 2 00:00:13,119 --> 00:00:14,740 Lords here with the one, the only, 3 00:00:16,234 --> 00:00:17,994 the I don't have anything snarky to say 4 00:00:17,994 --> 00:00:19,835 because, you know, we're just existing, and I 5 00:00:19,835 --> 00:00:20,894 love you. John Brownstone. 6 00:00:21,594 --> 00:00:23,614 I'll take it. I mean, I, 7 00:00:25,914 --> 00:00:26,734 have the right, 8 00:00:27,274 --> 00:00:28,654 to be snarky later. 9 00:00:29,100 --> 00:00:30,800 I do not give up that right. 10 00:00:32,539 --> 00:00:34,460 I I may use that, you know, defer 11 00:00:34,460 --> 00:00:37,200 it for later, but, you know, nothing's snarky. 12 00:00:37,899 --> 00:00:38,479 I know. 13 00:00:39,260 --> 00:00:41,280 Ironic because of this week's topic. 14 00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:45,054 Because this week, we're answering a a question 15 00:00:45,054 --> 00:00:47,134 from a submissive who wants to let their 16 00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:49,295 bratty side out, but they can't seem to 17 00:00:49,295 --> 00:00:51,454 get over their people pleasing ways to do 18 00:00:51,454 --> 00:00:51,954 it. 19 00:00:52,335 --> 00:00:54,335 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're 20 00:00:54,335 --> 00:00:55,854 new here, we help kinksters like you have 21 00:00:55,854 --> 00:00:58,450 happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast 22 00:00:58,450 --> 00:00:59,890 to your favorite podcast app so you never 23 00:00:59,890 --> 00:01:01,729 miss an episode. And if you'd like us 24 00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:03,649 to answer a question that you have in 25 00:01:03,649 --> 00:01:05,890 a future one of these, you can get 26 00:01:06,450 --> 00:01:08,049 nope. How do I say this? You can 27 00:01:08,049 --> 00:01:09,510 send us your question. 28 00:01:10,209 --> 00:01:13,055 Oh my gosh. Wow. Through our contact page 29 00:01:13,055 --> 00:01:15,454 on our website that is literally labeled ask 30 00:01:15,454 --> 00:01:18,814 your questions. That's available at lovingBDSM.net. 31 00:01:18,814 --> 00:01:20,575 That's lovingBDSM.net, 32 00:01:20,575 --> 00:01:22,674 or the link is in the show notes. 33 00:01:23,855 --> 00:01:25,715 Okay. Let's get into the question. 34 00:01:26,415 --> 00:01:28,400 I'm a submissive who's been exploring kink for 35 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,000 a few years now. I have trauma from 36 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,400 my childhood from people close to me abandoning 37 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,319 me for seemingly no reason or because I 38 00:01:34,319 --> 00:01:36,960 annoyed them by saying something slightly wrong. Maybe 39 00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,719 also from people laughing at me for saying 40 00:01:38,719 --> 00:01:40,240 things in a funny way or at the 41 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:40,965 wrong moment. 42 00:01:41,284 --> 00:01:43,284 This has caused me to become a severe 43 00:01:43,284 --> 00:01:45,765 people pleaser who's constantly afraid of doing or 44 00:01:45,765 --> 00:01:46,905 saying the wrong thing. 45 00:01:47,284 --> 00:01:48,804 I know I have a bratty side that 46 00:01:48,804 --> 00:01:50,564 I want to explore. I like C and 47 00:01:50,564 --> 00:01:52,004 C and feel like I just wanna say 48 00:01:52,004 --> 00:01:54,325 to my Dom, make me with a bratty 49 00:01:54,325 --> 00:01:56,164 little smirk on my face. I feel like 50 00:01:56,164 --> 00:01:58,069 I wanna find all of his buttons and 51 00:01:58,069 --> 00:01:59,829 push them until he decides to put me 52 00:01:59,829 --> 00:02:00,569 in my place. 53 00:02:01,270 --> 00:02:02,870 I find the idea of a man being 54 00:02:02,870 --> 00:02:05,670 angry slash yelling at me deeply arousing and 55 00:02:05,670 --> 00:02:06,569 slightly terrifying. 56 00:02:07,030 --> 00:02:08,949 Being in a loving relationship and building trust 57 00:02:08,949 --> 00:02:10,629 with my dom has obviously helped a lot 58 00:02:10,629 --> 00:02:11,770 with my fear of abandonment, 59 00:02:12,145 --> 00:02:13,504 but I still find it hard to just 60 00:02:13,504 --> 00:02:14,944 do what I want or even think of 61 00:02:14,944 --> 00:02:16,305 the things I would want to do in 62 00:02:16,305 --> 00:02:18,224 the moment. Any tips or tricks on how 63 00:02:18,224 --> 00:02:20,485 to build my confidence and conquer my fears? 64 00:02:21,905 --> 00:02:23,604 You were giggling over there. 65 00:02:24,465 --> 00:02:26,145 I would like to say to this person, 66 00:02:27,719 --> 00:02:30,199 your childhood stuff that turned you into a 67 00:02:30,199 --> 00:02:32,039 people pleaser, that was a little bit like 68 00:02:32,039 --> 00:02:34,680 looking into a mirror. So Right. I I 69 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:36,280 can I can relate, and I am so 70 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:38,060 sorry you had to go through that too? 71 00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:40,620 And, yeah, I can really screw you up. 72 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:41,580 Yeah. 73 00:02:43,155 --> 00:02:44,835 So what are your initial I have tons 74 00:02:44,835 --> 00:02:46,675 of thoughts. It's like looking in a mirror, 75 00:02:46,675 --> 00:02:48,455 but what are your initial thoughts? 76 00:02:50,435 --> 00:02:52,135 Initially, I thought and 77 00:02:52,754 --> 00:02:55,155 that, you know, maybe I think what they 78 00:02:55,155 --> 00:02:56,250 might need to do is 79 00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,090 and and I hate to you 80 00:03:00,009 --> 00:03:02,389 I I don't wanna use it, but I 81 00:03:02,810 --> 00:03:04,349 to lighten up a little bit. 82 00:03:05,129 --> 00:03:06,030 To to, 83 00:03:10,284 --> 00:03:12,125 you know, to to be able to step 84 00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:14,044 in and have may have fun with it. 85 00:03:14,044 --> 00:03:15,185 Right. But You know? 86 00:03:15,564 --> 00:03:16,224 Go ahead. 87 00:03:17,645 --> 00:03:19,185 You know, I have a thought. Sorry. 88 00:03:20,444 --> 00:03:22,525 You have to feel safe to be able 89 00:03:22,525 --> 00:03:24,620 to do that. That's a safety thing. It's 90 00:03:24,620 --> 00:03:27,260 it's true. It's vulnerability. It's a trust and 91 00:03:27,260 --> 00:03:28,879 safety. And until you 92 00:03:29,260 --> 00:03:29,760 understand 93 00:03:30,139 --> 00:03:31,860 that you are safe Mhmm. 94 00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:34,719 To just lighten up or to just relax 95 00:03:34,860 --> 00:03:35,360 is 96 00:03:36,235 --> 00:03:38,875 it's a fairy tale. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yes. 97 00:03:38,875 --> 00:03:40,715 You are you are correct. If somebody can 98 00:03:40,715 --> 00:03:42,555 just relax a little bit, then, yes, they 99 00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:44,735 can take those scary first steps. 100 00:03:45,034 --> 00:03:46,495 But there has to be 101 00:03:46,955 --> 00:03:47,455 the 102 00:03:47,914 --> 00:03:51,590 space available for them and the feeling of 103 00:03:51,810 --> 00:03:53,909 believing that this will be okay. 104 00:03:54,210 --> 00:03:56,610 Now I'm not saying that that can't be 105 00:03:56,610 --> 00:03:59,569 achieved because my thought would be that's exactly 106 00:03:59,569 --> 00:04:00,930 what needs to happen is they need to 107 00:04:00,930 --> 00:04:02,849 feel safe to do that, but you don't 108 00:04:02,849 --> 00:04:03,366 go from being completely obedient to Zero to 109 00:04:03,366 --> 00:04:04,240 60. Right. Bratting like crazy. It's a, 110 00:04:04,844 --> 00:04:07,905 obedient to Zero to 60. Right. Bratting like 111 00:04:07,965 --> 00:04:08,465 crazy. 112 00:04:08,844 --> 00:04:10,631 It's a it's a step by step process. 113 00:04:10,631 --> 00:04:11,824 True. So the 114 00:04:12,125 --> 00:04:13,985 first step would be to 115 00:04:15,245 --> 00:04:17,850 do it scared, but to, I'll to use 116 00:04:17,850 --> 00:04:20,089 your word, lighten up enough to do a 117 00:04:20,089 --> 00:04:21,550 small thing Yeah. 118 00:04:22,089 --> 00:04:24,730 To come back with your your initial gut 119 00:04:24,730 --> 00:04:26,990 reaction of the words you wanna say. 120 00:04:28,889 --> 00:04:31,389 I do not consider myself bratty. Others 121 00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:33,225 disagree. I don't care. It's a label I 122 00:04:33,225 --> 00:04:34,665 do not take for myself, but I do 123 00:04:34,665 --> 00:04:36,045 consider myself sassy. 124 00:04:36,425 --> 00:04:36,925 And 125 00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:38,045 I 126 00:04:39,305 --> 00:04:41,545 sometimes the mouth is running faster than the 127 00:04:41,545 --> 00:04:43,705 brain, and I just say stuff when I 128 00:04:43,705 --> 00:04:45,165 probably should have thought better. 129 00:04:46,105 --> 00:04:48,560 And that came with time. Like that part 130 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:50,879 of me was there, but I didn't really 131 00:04:50,879 --> 00:04:53,279 let that out in any relationship because I 132 00:04:53,439 --> 00:04:55,199 you know, could somebody handle it? Would they 133 00:04:55,199 --> 00:04:57,279 still like me? Would I make them mad? 134 00:04:57,279 --> 00:04:58,100 Would they misunderstand? 135 00:04:59,285 --> 00:05:01,365 You and I had been together for not 136 00:05:01,365 --> 00:05:03,845 for forever, but we'd been together all Still 137 00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:06,485 like it. Stop. Nope. No. We've been together 138 00:05:06,485 --> 00:05:08,884 forever now. What I was trying to say 139 00:05:08,884 --> 00:05:11,464 is when I finally kinda let that sassy 140 00:05:11,605 --> 00:05:12,504 side out, 141 00:05:12,884 --> 00:05:14,264 we we weren't new, 142 00:05:14,610 --> 00:05:17,089 but we weren't it wasn't years either. True. 143 00:05:17,089 --> 00:05:17,829 There was 144 00:05:18,290 --> 00:05:19,829 a point where I just 145 00:05:20,370 --> 00:05:22,290 I felt like you got it. Like, you 146 00:05:22,290 --> 00:05:24,209 got my humor. Mhmm. And, you know, when 147 00:05:24,209 --> 00:05:26,209 I get called my sassiest, I just think 148 00:05:26,209 --> 00:05:27,589 I'm being funny anyway. 149 00:05:28,154 --> 00:05:28,654 So 150 00:05:29,115 --> 00:05:31,754 you gave me that space to just try 151 00:05:31,754 --> 00:05:32,955 it. You know, that first time 152 00:05:33,915 --> 00:05:35,595 I don't know if this person can relate 153 00:05:35,595 --> 00:05:37,115 or if any other people, please, just can 154 00:05:37,115 --> 00:05:40,814 relate, but it's either you hold yourself very, 155 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:43,980 firm and still and, like, rigid 156 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:45,980 to not do anything wrong, 157 00:05:47,319 --> 00:05:47,819 or 158 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:50,699 usually for me it's when I'm inebriated. 159 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,439 You let it all out and it's completely 160 00:05:54,439 --> 00:05:54,939 awkward. 161 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:55,740 And 162 00:05:56,545 --> 00:05:57,045 you 163 00:05:57,665 --> 00:06:00,805 gave indications that I cannot, like, 164 00:06:01,585 --> 00:06:03,345 list right now. It's it has been just 165 00:06:03,345 --> 00:06:05,904 too long ago that you found me funny. 166 00:06:05,904 --> 00:06:07,125 You found me delightful. 167 00:06:07,425 --> 00:06:09,360 So what I felt like I could do 168 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:11,199 was let things slip. And I think the 169 00:06:11,199 --> 00:06:12,879 first time I let something slip and I 170 00:06:12,879 --> 00:06:15,439 didn't realize it, and your reaction was exactly 171 00:06:15,439 --> 00:06:17,199 what it needed to be. You thought I 172 00:06:17,199 --> 00:06:19,860 was funny. You thought it was delightful. Now 173 00:06:20,319 --> 00:06:22,160 in my case, I'm not actively trying to 174 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,834 brat. I'm not trying to get the reaction 175 00:06:27,514 --> 00:06:29,535 different can of worms. Mhmm. Now 176 00:06:30,314 --> 00:06:32,394 two thoughts. The we're not gonna do zero 177 00:06:32,394 --> 00:06:34,654 to 60. That's not gonna help anybody. So, 178 00:06:34,714 --> 00:06:36,814 yes, start with small things. 179 00:06:38,550 --> 00:06:40,230 Say the snarky thing that comes to your 180 00:06:40,230 --> 00:06:43,110 mind. That's that's a good one. You know, 181 00:06:43,110 --> 00:06:44,330 you cannot predict 182 00:06:45,110 --> 00:06:47,029 when the snarky thing will come to your 183 00:06:47,029 --> 00:06:49,910 mind, but if it does, say it. But 184 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,529 before you do any of this, 185 00:06:51,990 --> 00:06:54,214 the conversation needs to be had with your 186 00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:56,774 dom. Do they want to see your bratty 187 00:06:56,774 --> 00:06:58,235 side? Are they, 188 00:06:58,935 --> 00:07:00,774 open and welcome to the idea? Are they 189 00:07:00,774 --> 00:07:02,694 just as uncertain as you are? Right. And 190 00:07:02,694 --> 00:07:04,214 that that's something I was gonna bring up 191 00:07:04,214 --> 00:07:05,095 too. You know, they 192 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:08,399 with with all this, they do need to 193 00:07:08,399 --> 00:07:10,399 sit down and have a conversation Mhmm. With 194 00:07:10,399 --> 00:07:12,480 their with their big d. Right. And what 195 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:14,319 I think can come from that, if your 196 00:07:14,319 --> 00:07:15,759 dominant's like, yeah. I think that would be 197 00:07:15,759 --> 00:07:17,279 fun. Or, yeah. I'm willing to try it 198 00:07:17,279 --> 00:07:20,019 or whatever. If you get encouragement from them, 199 00:07:20,134 --> 00:07:23,035 guess what? Mind fuck yourself. You are now 200 00:07:23,254 --> 00:07:25,654 using your people pleasing for for good not 201 00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:26,634 evil. Yes. 202 00:07:26,935 --> 00:07:28,774 If you let that bratty side out, you're 203 00:07:28,774 --> 00:07:31,095 doing something that will make your dom happy, 204 00:07:31,095 --> 00:07:32,935 that your dom likes, that your dom wants. 205 00:07:32,935 --> 00:07:34,854 You're you're providing the service of being a 206 00:07:34,854 --> 00:07:35,819 brat to your dom. 207 00:07:36,379 --> 00:07:38,639 Right? That you're not gonna make them unhappy 208 00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:41,020 if they're expecting it or if they know 209 00:07:41,020 --> 00:07:42,300 it could come out at a, like, a 210 00:07:42,300 --> 00:07:44,300 random time. You know, in your case, you 211 00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:46,220 don't always think of it in the moment. 212 00:07:46,220 --> 00:07:47,980 Right? Or or Mhmm. Let me see. Is 213 00:07:47,980 --> 00:07:49,339 that kind of how you put that? Yeah. 214 00:07:49,339 --> 00:07:49,839 You're 215 00:07:51,225 --> 00:07:51,725 gotta 216 00:07:52,185 --> 00:07:52,685 find 217 00:07:53,145 --> 00:07:55,404 it. Hold on. Okay. 218 00:07:55,705 --> 00:07:57,064 Yes. At the very end, you say, I 219 00:07:57,064 --> 00:07:58,264 still find it hard to just do what 220 00:07:58,264 --> 00:07:59,464 I want or even think of the things 221 00:07:59,464 --> 00:08:01,384 I would wanna do in the moment. That's 222 00:08:01,384 --> 00:08:04,045 okay. So if if you have these negotiations 223 00:08:04,105 --> 00:08:05,305 with your dom and they were like, yeah. 224 00:08:05,305 --> 00:08:07,560 I'm open to exploring this side of you, 225 00:08:08,420 --> 00:08:09,319 what that means 226 00:08:09,860 --> 00:08:11,300 is in the moments that you don't think 227 00:08:11,300 --> 00:08:13,319 of anything, don't worry about it. 228 00:08:14,259 --> 00:08:16,980 But keep reminding yourself if something comes to 229 00:08:16,980 --> 00:08:17,480 mind 230 00:08:17,939 --> 00:08:18,839 out of nowhere, 231 00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:21,125 your dom is you know, based on the 232 00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:23,125 conversation I would recommend you have your dom 233 00:08:23,125 --> 00:08:24,824 gives you permission. You have the permission. 234 00:08:25,204 --> 00:08:26,805 When it hits you, you just say it 235 00:08:26,805 --> 00:08:28,024 or you just do it. 236 00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:30,324 That will only work if y'all have talked 237 00:08:30,324 --> 00:08:32,164 about it ahead of time. If y'all haven't 238 00:08:32,164 --> 00:08:34,080 talked about it and you get brave one 239 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:36,240 day and just say the thing and they're 240 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:37,300 not expecting it, 241 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:39,600 that's not gonna look like bratting in the 242 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:40,500 fun way, right? 243 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:43,759 So that that would be the other thing 244 00:08:43,759 --> 00:08:46,180 to consider. Make sure they're on board with 245 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,639 it. Make sure that your partner understands where 246 00:08:48,639 --> 00:08:49,460 you're struggling 247 00:08:49,875 --> 00:08:51,475 and that you might not think of something 248 00:08:51,475 --> 00:08:52,915 in the moment or you don't quite know 249 00:08:52,915 --> 00:08:54,195 what to do because a little bit of 250 00:08:54,195 --> 00:08:55,014 that is practice. 251 00:08:55,715 --> 00:08:57,235 One, you have to be safe. You have 252 00:08:57,235 --> 00:08:59,335 to feel safe to let that side loose. 253 00:08:59,794 --> 00:09:01,715 And two, you have to do it enough 254 00:09:01,715 --> 00:09:04,670 that things ideas just start coming to you. 255 00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:06,350 Right? So that's the other reason I would 256 00:09:06,350 --> 00:09:07,889 say you wanna start very small. 257 00:09:08,670 --> 00:09:11,870 Now what does starting small look like? Because 258 00:09:11,870 --> 00:09:13,389 that's the thing we keep saying. You're not 259 00:09:13,389 --> 00:09:15,705 going from never doing it to full on 260 00:09:15,945 --> 00:09:18,745 brat mode and scene and the things you're 261 00:09:18,745 --> 00:09:19,884 fantasizing about. 262 00:09:20,345 --> 00:09:21,004 It is 263 00:09:22,825 --> 00:09:24,985 getting a look on your face. Like, JB 264 00:09:24,985 --> 00:09:27,465 knows my expressions. Right? He knows 265 00:09:27,865 --> 00:09:29,644 Mhmm. He knows my, 266 00:09:30,529 --> 00:09:32,549 obedient, polite expression, 267 00:09:33,329 --> 00:09:35,569 and he knows my, I think you are 268 00:09:35,569 --> 00:09:37,269 so fucked up right now expression 269 00:09:38,529 --> 00:09:39,750 and everything in between. 270 00:09:40,129 --> 00:09:42,769 So if your partner reads your expressions that 271 00:09:42,769 --> 00:09:43,269 well, 272 00:09:43,889 --> 00:09:46,264 especially if you've had to, like, hide facial 273 00:09:46,264 --> 00:09:48,264 reactions because you didn't want to upset anybody 274 00:09:48,424 --> 00:09:48,924 Mhmm. 275 00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:52,264 Then, you know, let that slip out. If 276 00:09:52,264 --> 00:09:54,745 it's a comment, if it's a word, if 277 00:09:54,745 --> 00:09:57,304 it's a, yeah. Right. Like, there's there's little 278 00:09:57,304 --> 00:09:57,804 ways 279 00:09:58,264 --> 00:09:58,764 to 280 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:00,860 poke at authority. 281 00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:05,960 There's little ways to poke at authority that 282 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:07,580 do not require 283 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,700 going, like, chest to chest 284 00:10:11,399 --> 00:10:12,845 fucking make me. Right? 285 00:10:15,304 --> 00:10:17,625 I hold myself back from some of my 286 00:10:17,625 --> 00:10:20,105 little comments and takes because I know how 287 00:10:20,105 --> 00:10:22,105 they would be taken. And I'm not trying 288 00:10:22,105 --> 00:10:23,464 to get in trouble. See, that's the difference. 289 00:10:23,464 --> 00:10:24,824 Everybody wants to call me a brat. I'm 290 00:10:24,824 --> 00:10:26,669 over here trying not to get in trouble. 291 00:10:26,669 --> 00:10:28,370 I don't wanna be in trouble. 292 00:10:28,990 --> 00:10:30,289 That does not that 293 00:10:31,070 --> 00:10:32,929 that's not my jam. So 294 00:10:33,629 --> 00:10:35,629 but I know what I could say if 295 00:10:35,629 --> 00:10:37,809 I was trying to get in trouble. Uh-oh. 296 00:10:37,870 --> 00:10:39,470 Right. So I tend to hold myself back 297 00:10:39,470 --> 00:10:40,850 because that's not what I want. 298 00:10:41,309 --> 00:10:43,445 The more you you let yourself think about 299 00:10:43,445 --> 00:10:45,605 those things, the more that you realize that 300 00:10:45,605 --> 00:10:47,605 you're in a safe space, your partner is 301 00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:49,464 welcome and accepting of these things, 302 00:10:50,164 --> 00:10:52,245 the more you can slowly let it out. 303 00:10:52,245 --> 00:10:54,485 Right? You could understand this on an intellectual 304 00:10:54,485 --> 00:10:56,404 level. Your partner could be like, heck yeah. 305 00:10:56,404 --> 00:10:58,670 Let's try this. That does not mean tomorrow 306 00:10:58,670 --> 00:11:00,230 you're gonna wake up and know exactly what 307 00:11:00,230 --> 00:11:02,029 to say or exactly what to do. Yeah. 308 00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:04,429 You don't become super brad overnight. No. You 309 00:11:04,429 --> 00:11:06,990 know, some people do. Well But those of 310 00:11:06,990 --> 00:11:09,389 us with, like, hardcore people pleasing ways, it 311 00:11:09,549 --> 00:11:10,610 it's a tough 312 00:11:11,235 --> 00:11:14,195 habit to break. Right? Because there's fear behind 313 00:11:14,195 --> 00:11:15,254 it. There's 314 00:11:15,714 --> 00:11:18,115 the, you know, there's memory of how that 315 00:11:18,115 --> 00:11:19,975 went in the past. So, 316 00:11:20,674 --> 00:11:22,054 then I go back to 317 00:11:23,809 --> 00:11:25,169 as long as you have the permission and 318 00:11:25,169 --> 00:11:27,009 the acceptance of your partner that they are 319 00:11:27,009 --> 00:11:27,909 open to it, 320 00:11:28,210 --> 00:11:30,450 then it's a trust and safety thing. You 321 00:11:30,450 --> 00:11:32,470 have to know that you are safe 322 00:11:32,769 --> 00:11:34,610 to let that side of yourself show. And 323 00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:35,110 and 324 00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:37,585 what you'll do is you'll do a small 325 00:11:37,585 --> 00:11:39,345 thing. You'll get a look on your face. 326 00:11:39,345 --> 00:11:41,024 You'll say a couple of words. You'll go, 327 00:11:41,024 --> 00:11:43,745 oh really? You'll let snark out. You'll let 328 00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:46,144 sarcasm out, and you'll do these small things 329 00:11:46,144 --> 00:11:48,065 even when your knees are knocking and you 330 00:11:48,065 --> 00:11:49,284 are sweating profusely. 331 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:52,879 And then what your partner's job is is 332 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:56,179 to to have the air quote right reaction. 333 00:11:56,399 --> 00:11:59,039 Right? Which means they think you're funny or 334 00:11:59,039 --> 00:12:00,879 they come back with a, oh, you're playing 335 00:12:00,879 --> 00:12:03,839 with fire there, Or or something. Right? Something 336 00:12:03,839 --> 00:12:05,404 that indicates to you 337 00:12:05,865 --> 00:12:08,424 that they got it, that they understand what 338 00:12:08,424 --> 00:12:10,424 they're looking at, and they're responding to you 339 00:12:10,424 --> 00:12:12,284 as a dom who's ready to maybe 340 00:12:13,945 --> 00:12:16,504 take take a brat and do whatever doms 341 00:12:16,504 --> 00:12:18,584 do with brats. I don't know. I'm trying 342 00:12:18,584 --> 00:12:19,804 not to be one. 343 00:12:23,129 --> 00:12:26,169 So that's to me, that's the method, but 344 00:12:26,169 --> 00:12:29,370 it starts first and foremost with y'all have 345 00:12:29,370 --> 00:12:31,009 to have a conversation. Make sure you're on 346 00:12:31,009 --> 00:12:32,970 the same page. And you'll have to do 347 00:12:32,970 --> 00:12:34,730 those things scared at first. That doesn't mean 348 00:12:34,730 --> 00:12:35,654 you have to, 349 00:12:36,535 --> 00:12:38,375 like, that's not me saying, oh, the moment 350 00:12:38,375 --> 00:12:39,415 you hear the sound of my voice and 351 00:12:39,415 --> 00:12:40,295 I tell you this, you need to go 352 00:12:40,295 --> 00:12:41,654 do it no matter how terrified you are. 353 00:12:41,654 --> 00:12:43,035 No. No. No. It just means 354 00:12:43,495 --> 00:12:46,475 that the fear and the desire have 355 00:12:47,495 --> 00:12:48,990 to be like, the desire has to be, 356 00:12:48,990 --> 00:12:50,190 like, 51% 357 00:12:50,190 --> 00:12:51,990 and the fear has to be 45%. 358 00:12:52,029 --> 00:12:54,669 The fear. Right. Yeah. So when you get 359 00:12:54,669 --> 00:12:56,269 to that, as you start playing with it 360 00:12:56,269 --> 00:12:58,610 and experimenting with it and you realize, hey. 361 00:12:58,830 --> 00:13:00,830 I'm I'm bad things are not happening to 362 00:13:00,830 --> 00:13:02,049 me when I do this, 363 00:13:02,590 --> 00:13:04,054 then that teaches the rest of you to 364 00:13:04,054 --> 00:13:05,754 go, okay. Maybe I can do more. 365 00:13:06,134 --> 00:13:07,894 And keep checking in with each other. Mhmm. 366 00:13:07,894 --> 00:13:08,394 Because 367 00:13:09,095 --> 00:13:12,375 every person, dumb or brat, on the side 368 00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:14,535 of the slash playing with with bratting has 369 00:13:14,535 --> 00:13:17,195 their own personal threshold of when this is, 370 00:13:17,429 --> 00:13:19,832 you know, too much, when I'm this is 371 00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:22,235 too far, when I don't I'm not enjoying 372 00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,371 this anymore. So check-in with each other and, 373 00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:27,042 you know, and let your either have them 374 00:13:27,042 --> 00:13:29,177 listen slash watch to this or tell them 375 00:13:29,177 --> 00:13:31,924 yourself, but encourage your dom to let you 376 00:13:31,924 --> 00:13:34,325 know when you can go further. When they 377 00:13:34,325 --> 00:13:36,085 really like something that you've done, and they 378 00:13:36,085 --> 00:13:37,365 were like, yeah. I would have I would 379 00:13:37,365 --> 00:13:39,285 have happily, like, kept going with that. That 380 00:13:39,285 --> 00:13:41,460 was fun to me. And and know what 381 00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:43,320 your big d's boundaries 382 00:13:44,019 --> 00:13:46,340 are with bratting. Mhmm. Yep. That's why you 383 00:13:46,340 --> 00:13:47,899 wanna do the the consistent check ins Yeah. 384 00:13:47,940 --> 00:13:49,300 While you're playing with us. Yeah. Because it's 385 00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:51,620 gonna give both of you feedback. Mhmm. Yeah. 386 00:13:51,620 --> 00:13:53,779 And and while bratting is fun and, you 387 00:13:53,779 --> 00:13:54,279 know, 388 00:13:54,820 --> 00:13:57,334 depending on the person, a a good thing. 389 00:14:00,595 --> 00:14:03,154 Non consensual bratting is not. Right. Right. I 390 00:14:03,154 --> 00:14:05,235 mean, then it's then it's just disrespect and 391 00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:07,074 it's Yeah. It's not good for the dynamic. 392 00:14:07,074 --> 00:14:08,914 So, yeah, you start with making sure everybody's 393 00:14:08,914 --> 00:14:09,264 on board with it. Mhmm. And then you 394 00:14:09,264 --> 00:14:09,304 build confidence and conquer your fears by slowly 395 00:14:09,304 --> 00:14:10,294 doing the thing. But 396 00:14:13,190 --> 00:14:14,169 fears by slowly 397 00:14:14,470 --> 00:14:16,710 doing the thing, but very slowly. Mhmm. It 398 00:14:16,710 --> 00:14:18,870 is entirely possible that it won't take you 399 00:14:18,870 --> 00:14:21,830 long to go from a little side eye 400 00:14:21,830 --> 00:14:24,549 to full on make me, and it's also 401 00:14:24,549 --> 00:14:26,649 possible it may take you a few years. 402 00:14:26,855 --> 00:14:28,934 That's fine. You need to go at the 403 00:14:28,934 --> 00:14:31,815 pace that allows you to assess risk and 404 00:14:31,815 --> 00:14:33,735 feel like you are keeping yourself Right. As 405 00:14:33,735 --> 00:14:36,134 safe as possible while you play. Yep. Each 406 00:14:36,134 --> 00:14:39,095 person's growth is different. Exactly. Thanks for listening 407 00:14:39,095 --> 00:14:40,615 to this week's q and a episode. If 408 00:14:40,615 --> 00:14:41,980 you want us to answer one of your 409 00:14:41,980 --> 00:14:43,660 questions, just use the contact page on our 410 00:14:43,660 --> 00:14:45,580 website at lovingbdsm.net, 411 00:14:45,580 --> 00:14:46,779 or you can find the link in the 412 00:14:46,779 --> 00:14:48,620 show notes. Big thanks as always to our 413 00:14:48,620 --> 00:14:50,940 kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to 414 00:14:50,940 --> 00:14:52,779 do this podcast and keep it going and 415 00:14:52,779 --> 00:14:55,340 help kinksters due to your support. If you'd 416 00:14:55,340 --> 00:14:56,700 like to be part of our community and 417 00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,575 get access to extra content and a Discord 418 00:14:58,575 --> 00:15:00,254 server with a group of super cool, super 419 00:15:00,254 --> 00:15:02,254 nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join 420 00:15:02,254 --> 00:15:04,414 us at patreon.com/kaylalords. 421 00:15:04,414 --> 00:15:06,975 That's patreon.com/kaylalords, 422 00:15:06,975 --> 00:15:08,556 or or use the link in the show 423 00:15:13,736 --> 00:15:14,236 notes.