You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lords here with the one, the only,
the I don't have anything snarky to say
because, you know, we're just existing, and I
love you. John Brownstone.
I'll take it. I mean, I,
have the right,
to be snarky later.
I do not give up that right.
I I may use that, you know, defer
it for later, but, you know, nothing's snarky.
I know.
Ironic because of this week's topic.
Because this week, we're answering a a question
from a submissive who wants to let their
bratty side out, but they can't seem to
get over their people pleasing ways to do
it.
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Okay. Let's get into the question.
I'm a submissive who's been exploring kink for
a few years now. I have trauma from
my childhood from people close to me abandoning
me for seemingly no reason or because I
annoyed them by saying something slightly wrong. Maybe
also from people laughing at me for saying
things in a funny way or at the
wrong moment.
This has caused me to become a severe
people pleaser who's constantly afraid of doing or
saying the wrong thing.
I know I have a bratty side that
I want to explore. I like C and
C and feel like I just wanna say
to my Dom, make me with a bratty
little smirk on my face. I feel like
I wanna find all of his buttons and
push them until he decides to put me
in my place.
I find the idea of a man being
angry slash yelling at me deeply arousing and
slightly terrifying.
Being in a loving relationship and building trust
with my dom has obviously helped a lot
with my fear of abandonment,
but I still find it hard to just
do what I want or even think of
the things I would want to do in
the moment. Any tips or tricks on how
to build my confidence and conquer my fears?
You were giggling over there.
I would like to say to this person,
your childhood stuff that turned you into a
people pleaser, that was a little bit like
looking into a mirror. So Right. I I
can I can relate, and I am so
sorry you had to go through that too?
And, yeah, I can really screw you up.
Yeah.
So what are your initial I have tons
of thoughts. It's like looking in a mirror,
but what are your initial thoughts?
Initially, I thought and
that, you know, maybe I think what they
might need to do is
and and I hate to you
I I don't wanna use it, but I
to lighten up a little bit.
To to,
you know, to to be able to step
in and have may have fun with it.
Right. But You know?
Go ahead.
You know, I have a thought. Sorry.
You have to feel safe to be able
to do that. That's a safety thing. It's
it's true. It's vulnerability. It's a trust and
safety. And until you
understand
that you are safe Mhmm.
To just lighten up or to just relax
is
it's a fairy tale. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yes.
You are you are correct. If somebody can
just relax a little bit, then, yes, they
can take those scary first steps.
But there has to be
the
space available for them and the feeling of
believing that this will be okay.
Now I'm not saying that that can't be
achieved because my thought would be that's exactly
what needs to happen is they need to
feel safe to do that, but you don't
go from being completely obedient to Zero to
60. Right. Bratting like crazy. It's a,
obedient to Zero to 60. Right. Bratting like
crazy.
It's a it's a step by step process.
True. So the
first step would be to
do it scared, but to, I'll to use
your word, lighten up enough to do a
small thing Yeah.
To come back with your your initial gut
reaction of the words you wanna say.
I do not consider myself bratty. Others
disagree. I don't care. It's a label I
do not take for myself, but I do
consider myself sassy.
And
I
sometimes the mouth is running faster than the
brain, and I just say stuff when I
probably should have thought better.
And that came with time. Like that part
of me was there, but I didn't really
let that out in any relationship because I
you know, could somebody handle it? Would they
still like me? Would I make them mad?
Would they misunderstand?
You and I had been together for not
for forever, but we'd been together all Still
like it. Stop. Nope. No. We've been together
forever now. What I was trying to say
is when I finally kinda let that sassy
side out,
we we weren't new,
but we weren't it wasn't years either. True.
There was
a point where I just
I felt like you got it. Like, you
got my humor. Mhmm. And, you know, when
I get called my sassiest, I just think
I'm being funny anyway.
So
you gave me that space to just try
it. You know, that first time
I don't know if this person can relate
or if any other people, please, just can
relate, but it's either you hold yourself very,
firm and still and, like, rigid
to not do anything wrong,
or
usually for me it's when I'm inebriated.
You let it all out and it's completely
awkward.
And
you
gave indications that I cannot, like,
list right now. It's it has been just
too long ago that you found me funny.
You found me delightful.
So what I felt like I could do
was let things slip. And I think the
first time I let something slip and I
didn't realize it, and your reaction was exactly
what it needed to be. You thought I
was funny. You thought it was delightful. Now
in my case, I'm not actively trying to
brat. I'm not trying to get the reaction
different can of worms. Mhmm. Now
two thoughts. The we're not gonna do zero
to 60. That's not gonna help anybody. So,
yes, start with small things.
Say the snarky thing that comes to your
mind. That's that's a good one. You know,
you cannot predict
when the snarky thing will come to your
mind, but if it does, say it. But
before you do any of this,
the conversation needs to be had with your
dom. Do they want to see your bratty
side? Are they,
open and welcome to the idea? Are they
just as uncertain as you are? Right. And
that that's something I was gonna bring up
too. You know, they
with with all this, they do need to
sit down and have a conversation Mhmm. With
their with their big d. Right. And what
I think can come from that, if your
dominant's like, yeah. I think that would be
fun. Or, yeah. I'm willing to try it
or whatever. If you get encouragement from them,
guess what? Mind fuck yourself. You are now
using your people pleasing for for good not
evil. Yes.
If you let that bratty side out, you're
doing something that will make your dom happy,
that your dom likes, that your dom wants.
You're you're providing the service of being a
brat to your dom.
Right? That you're not gonna make them unhappy
if they're expecting it or if they know
it could come out at a, like, a
random time. You know, in your case, you
don't always think of it in the moment.
Right? Or or Mhmm. Let me see. Is
that kind of how you put that? Yeah.
You're
gotta
find
it. Hold on. Okay.
Yes. At the very end, you say, I
still find it hard to just do what
I want or even think of the things
I would wanna do in the moment. That's
okay. So if if you have these negotiations
with your dom and they were like, yeah.
I'm open to exploring this side of you,
what that means
is in the moments that you don't think
of anything, don't worry about it.
But keep reminding yourself if something comes to
mind
out of nowhere,
your dom is you know, based on the
conversation I would recommend you have your dom
gives you permission. You have the permission.
When it hits you, you just say it
or you just do it.
That will only work if y'all have talked
about it ahead of time. If y'all haven't
talked about it and you get brave one
day and just say the thing and they're
not expecting it,
that's not gonna look like bratting in the
fun way, right?
So that that would be the other thing
to consider. Make sure they're on board with
it. Make sure that your partner understands where
you're struggling
and that you might not think of something
in the moment or you don't quite know
what to do because a little bit of
that is practice.
One, you have to be safe. You have
to feel safe to let that side loose.
And two, you have to do it enough
that things ideas just start coming to you.
Right? So that's the other reason I would
say you wanna start very small.
Now what does starting small look like? Because
that's the thing we keep saying. You're not
going from never doing it to full on
brat mode and scene and the things you're
fantasizing about.
It is
getting a look on your face. Like, JB
knows my expressions. Right? He knows
Mhmm. He knows my,
obedient, polite expression,
and he knows my, I think you are
so fucked up right now expression
and everything in between.
So if your partner reads your expressions that
well,
especially if you've had to, like, hide facial
reactions because you didn't want to upset anybody
Mhmm.
Then, you know, let that slip out. If
it's a comment, if it's a word, if
it's a, yeah. Right. Like, there's there's little
ways
to
poke at authority.
There's little ways to poke at authority that
do not require
going, like, chest to chest
fucking make me. Right?
I hold myself back from some of my
little comments and takes because I know how
they would be taken. And I'm not trying
to get in trouble. See, that's the difference.
Everybody wants to call me a brat. I'm
over here trying not to get in trouble.
I don't wanna be in trouble.
That does not that
that's not my jam. So
but I know what I could say if
I was trying to get in trouble. Uh-oh.
Right. So I tend to hold myself back
because that's not what I want.
The more you you let yourself think about
those things, the more that you realize that
you're in a safe space, your partner is
welcome and accepting of these things,
the more you can slowly let it out.
Right? You could understand this on an intellectual
level. Your partner could be like, heck yeah.
Let's try this. That does not mean tomorrow
you're gonna wake up and know exactly what
to say or exactly what to do. Yeah.
You don't become super brad overnight. No. You
know, some people do. Well But those of
us with, like, hardcore people pleasing ways, it
it's a tough
habit to break. Right? Because there's fear behind
it. There's
the, you know, there's memory of how that
went in the past. So,
then I go back to
as long as you have the permission and
the acceptance of your partner that they are
open to it,
then it's a trust and safety thing. You
have to know that you are safe
to let that side of yourself show. And
and
what you'll do is you'll do a small
thing. You'll get a look on your face.
You'll say a couple of words. You'll go,
oh really? You'll let snark out. You'll let
sarcasm out, and you'll do these small things
even when your knees are knocking and you
are sweating profusely.
And then what your partner's job is is
to to have the air quote right reaction.
Right? Which means they think you're funny or
they come back with a, oh, you're playing
with fire there, Or or something. Right? Something
that indicates to you
that they got it, that they understand what
they're looking at, and they're responding to you
as a dom who's ready to maybe
take take a brat and do whatever doms
do with brats. I don't know. I'm trying
not to be one.
So that's to me, that's the method, but
it starts first and foremost with y'all have
to have a conversation. Make sure you're on
the same page. And you'll have to do
those things scared at first. That doesn't mean
you have to,
like, that's not me saying, oh, the moment
you hear the sound of my voice and
I tell you this, you need to go
do it no matter how terrified you are.
No. No. No. It just means
that the fear and the desire have
to be like, the desire has to be,
like, 51%
and the fear has to be 45%.
The fear. Right. Yeah. So when you get
to that, as you start playing with it
and experimenting with it and you realize, hey.
I'm I'm bad things are not happening to
me when I do this,
then that teaches the rest of you to
go, okay. Maybe I can do more.
And keep checking in with each other. Mhmm.
Because
every person, dumb or brat, on the side
of the slash playing with with bratting has
their own personal threshold of when this is,
you know, too much, when I'm this is
too far, when I don't I'm not enjoying
this anymore. So check-in with each other and,
you know, and let your either have them
listen slash watch to this or tell them
yourself, but encourage your dom to let you
know when you can go further. When they
really like something that you've done, and they
were like, yeah. I would have I would
have happily, like, kept going with that. That
was fun to me. And and know what
your big d's boundaries
are with bratting. Mhmm. Yep. That's why you
wanna do the the consistent check ins Yeah.
While you're playing with us. Yeah. Because it's
gonna give both of you feedback. Mhmm. Yeah.
And and while bratting is fun and, you
know,
depending on the person, a a good thing.
Non consensual bratting is not. Right. Right. I
mean, then it's then it's just disrespect and
it's Yeah. It's not good for the dynamic.
So, yeah, you start with making sure everybody's
on board with it. Mhmm. And then you
build confidence and conquer your fears by slowly
doing the thing. But
fears by slowly
doing the thing, but very slowly. Mhmm. It
is entirely possible that it won't take you
long to go from a little side eye
to full on make me, and it's also
possible it may take you a few years.
That's fine. You need to go at the
pace that allows you to assess risk and
feel like you are keeping yourself Right. As
safe as possible while you play. Yep. Each
person's growth is different. Exactly. Thanks for listening
to this week's q and a episode. If
you want us to answer one of your
questions, just use the contact page on our
website at lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the
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