You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode
four thirty two. Kayla Lords here with the
one, the only
the guy who's wearing a shirt that says
Carl in a way that I will not
say, but if you, watched our YouTube livestreams
back in, what, twenty twenty two, twenty twenty
three? Mhmm. You know. Call.
God. I kinda wanted you to do that,
and I kinda didn't. I'm I'm still not
sure where I land on that.
That's not what we're talking about.
I don't even
what do you do after that? I don't
I don't know.
So this week, what we're actually talking about,
is a little experiment we did over the
previous weekend prior to recording within our dynamic
to test out obedience and submission
in public, like where things could be different
and a little unpredictable instead of our house
or it's the same all the time.
So, yeah, we're gonna talk about what we
did and how we felt about it and
how it went. And, yeah,
welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this
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Okay. So,
for podcast listeners, we're time traveling. I literally
don't know what the title of this episode
will be for y'all
because I don't I haven't found the words
to make this concise. But basically,
what we're gonna talk about is a thing
we did this past weekend
where we
tightened up some rules that we already have
as part of our power exchange and then
kind of played with some, like, in a
light way. I mean, it wasn't, like, heavy
handed.
Played with some rules and then went out
into the public world where things can be
more unpredictable than staying in our house. And
it was an experiment, and it was one
of I don't know how many we'll do
this year, but, like, these experiments to see
what did we decide to do, what did
we think about it, how did it make
us feel, how did it work out
as part of this process of, like,
what are words?
Of focusing on our power exchange and reconnecting
because that's that's what we're doing this year.
Mhmm. And going forward, but definitely this year.
Well, it's funny when we first were
started talking about doing this, I looked at
her and said, oh, does that mean I
can have slave Kayla?
And I
I immediately got tears in my eyes. It
was an immediate gut reaction of I'm not
ready for that. I'm not ready for that.
So
let's see if we can, like, lay this
out for y'all. I did kind of make
some notes to kind of keep us on
track. But Kinda, sorta, maybe. If I'm already,
like, losing my train of thought this early,
I don't know. We're in big trouble. Right.
So I started with the why, then we
can get into the what. Okay. The why,
from my perspective of what we did, was
to, like, test
old and not old power exchange patterns. We've
some of these things that we did this
past weekend, we used to do all the
time. We used to do it in all
the time, especially in the beginning,
when we had a little bit more of
a high protocol.
Yeah. And when we were just like, when
we got to be together, we were just
in our power exchange y selves. Like, anytime
we could be together, but
Sometimes it was because we were purposely going
and doing kink things. Like, when you're going
to the munch or you're going to the
dungeon, your head's kind of already there.
And so it's easy to to
be in that headspace and do some of
these things. Yeah.
Over time, not just because of the the
craziness that we had for a few years,
but just, like, I think
because long term relationships can do this. Mhmm.
Some of these things fell away. Some of
these things became less important. We just didn't
we just didn't focus on them. Right. So
this was us focusing on things that we
used to do more often and some rules
that have always been in place. We just
get a little lax about them. And then
to figure out how we felt about it
and what our experience was. So
the what. Here's that's the that's the thing.
Right? Now I didn't eat and potatoes. Right.
So the what was
we negotiated. We knew we had a busy
weekend last weekend, lots of errands, lots of
going out and doing stuff, both Saturday and
Sunday.
And we agreed that we would basically tighten
up the power exchange Yeah. While we were
out in public. Mhmm.
I had rules that I always am supposed
to follow, and then we just added a
couple more. And y'all, this is not you
know, when we tell y'all, hey. Start low,
start slow, start small.
This is what that is. This is an
example of that. Because
when we sat down to negotiate this,
JB said, oh, so, like, I was, like,
I wanna play with obedience and, like, rules
being out with you and whatever. I was,
like, I want to both do what you
you say and be like your little duckling
who doesn't have to, like, no brains, just,
you know, vibes. Right?
And he goes, oh, like, slave Kayla? And,
y'all, I'm not joking. It was an immediate
response of was a very visceral reaction from
her. Right. My And not a good one.
My eyes started watering.
I gasped, and I went,
not this weekend. No.
So we can maybe work up to that.
When I had that response Mhmm. It was
also internally an immediate,
I don't think I can do that. Not
I don't want to do that. I don't
think I can do that.
Not never. Just Yeah. Not right now. So
we we I got him to pull way
the fuck back.
And so the rules were Mhmm.
The rules were, one, you had to ask
permission
to do anything. Mhmm. Walk away, go to
the bathroom,
you know, buy something. I always ask permission
before you buy something anyway. But Yeah. Anything
anything that could come up, I had to
ask permission.
I was the one with to make all
the decisions. Mhmm.
And
no input, just me making decisions. Right. I
sort of was we never talked about this
directly, but I sort of assumed if you
wanted input, you would ask me. Mhmm. And
then I would just respond. Yeah.
And, you know, then then it was just
basically a lot of the other some of
the the, things that we've already had
in our power exchange as far as not
touching doors, walking on a specific side. Mhmm.
You know, things like that. Mhmm.
Yeah. It was it really was very simple.
Now in the negotiations, I it was definitely,
like, working an old muscle. Mhmm. But because
I was partly proud of myself, but also
it felt awkward. It does not felt awkward
to negotiate
in a I like, I don't even remember
the last time that happened, but we haven't
actively negotiated anything Mhmm. In a very long
time. So there was that moment of, oh,
this this feels
like putting on a shirt that's a little
too tight. Like, this feels weird. Dusting off
something that yeah. Yeah. But I was proud
of myself because
you know how I you love,
to
to slightly joke, but not really, that I'll
find a loophole? Yes. Well, I just asked
about those in negotiations. So I was like,
wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. I've gotta ask
permission for everything. Well, what if we're separated
in the building and I gotta go to
the bathroom?
I said and I pointed out. I was
like, I am at a point in life
that by the time I know I gotta
go to the bathroom, it it's time to
go. We're at a pee pee dance level.
And he goes, well, I guess you'll just
need to text me then, won't
you? I was like, okay. Okay. We're going
that serious then. Okay.
So,
case in point though on the texting thing
being imperfect,
we did get separated in one of the
places we went to purposely. Like, he gave
me permission to go walk around.
And he texted me asking where I was.
And before I physically saw him, I was
texting him back. And then I saw him,
but I sent the text anyway.
He did not hear the text come through.
So that that would have sucked if I'd
had to go to the bathroom and we
we weren't standing next to one another. But
but some things I did purposely to get
through this. So,
I
since the ask questions, but don't just, like,
you know, offer unsolicited
advice and opinions as I am won't to
do in every facet of life,
what that what I did for I got
nervous
that I would forget myself, that it's been
so long that I would just blurt out
whatever. Right? Did you wonder or think that
I might do that? I did. Mhmm. I
did. Oh, and before we get into this,
let me just say,
for this experiment, there would not be, like,
crazy,
harsh consequences.
No. This was about, can we do this
and how does it make us feel? And
how does it feel? How how you know,
after
afterwards, you know, did what we'd like? Did
did we not like something? Blah blah blah.
Right. Yeah. So if if and when we
do some version of this again, we will
modify that, and there probably will be consequences
because now we've had the first experiment, and
it I would say it went well from
both perspectives. Okay. Absolutely. So here we are.
We're out. We went to two massive antique
stores. We went to thrift stores. We went
here. We went there. We got we went
to get frozen yogurt, which was delightful.
Several things. And that was just Saturday. So
I did get worried that I would forget
myself and just blurt
out whatever thought might be in my brain.
So
I did what you would say is impossible,
but clearly, I managed it. I just stayed
very quiet. You did. Unless I had something
I, like, was not part of the conversation.
I just didn't I let you lead the
conversations. He's very quiet. There was not a
lot of conversation going on.
I kinda just
I didn't feel meek and mild. I just
was like, I'll I'll just exist. Now I
I will have to say,
I was
very impressed
both days.
Where I thought you would,
break away
from this was when we were in the
car,
and you didn't. Mm-mm. No. And it was
not as hard as I thought it would
be. I was very nervous that I would
just because I so when I
especially now, y'all, if you've
gone through the perimenopause episode, you know,
my memory can be for shit. And also
I'm a person that when I get enthusiastic
about something, I get excited about something, I
can I can forget
some elements of discipline? Right?
And my big fear in negotiating this before
we got started was I would have to
walk around with the running
mental,
I can't think of the word I want,
but basically the words in my head going,
watch yourself, watch yourself, watch yourself. And I
was like, oh, god. Commentary?
Yeah. And it was yeah. I mean, there's
a word. I can't think of it. It
doesn't matter. But, basically, like, I would I
would just walk around reminding myself internally, reminding
myself the whole time not to fuck up.
And then I went,
well, I could do that, or I could
just
not have much to say. Mhmm. And it
was not a censorship thing. I wasn't having
to
bite back words. I wasn't having
to,
change myself or change my natural exuberance.
I was just like, I'm I'm just gonna
sit and exist. And when he wants to
talk or he brings something up or he
asks me a question, of course. Or
the other thing I thought was
instead of stating things
Mhmm.
If I there's something I wanna talk about,
I'll just ask a question
because asking a question,
you know, implies
I'm getting permission for us to start this
conversation. Because at any point you could have
shut it down shut down a conversation and
be like, I don't wanna talk about this
right now. That would have I would have
done it. I would've respected it. I always
would, but that might've hurt my feelings. I'm
just saying.
And that was not in an effort to
make myself
lesser or smaller in a way that is
not healthy.
It was not I didn't treat it like
it was potential punishment. I just went
instead of stressing myself out that I'm gonna
forget to do something
or have to stop myself, why don't I
just like chill
and see what happens with that? But
me being
quiet is unusual. Mhmm.
It is unusual. It is. Okay. I'm I'm
setting myself up for this, so just know
that I know.
How did you feel about what did you
think
about that,
level of quiet?
It was different.
Mhmm. It was very different
because,
you know, normally and you and you've talked
about this in the past, you know, you
have become
so comfortable Mhmm. With me and safe with
me that you just say
All the things. All the things, you know.
Who needs to think things when you can
say them out loud? Yeah.
You know, at at at any point.
Mhmm.
And,
you know, there was a part of me
that was kinda like,
waiting for the shoe to drop.
I thought so. I didn't think so. Okay.
You know, I I was waiting for that
that shoe to drop,
and,
it didn't.
It didn't. I was I was locked in.
I was focused on what we were doing.
It
never
felt bad in any way where I didn't
wanna be doing it. It felt unusual.
Yes. I would felt out of practice. Mhmm.
And I actually have it's been so long
since we've done certain forms of, like, subtle
power exchange in public
that there was a time I stopped feeling
awkward if I had to ask you a
question so I didn't hear. And this time,
like, we go into the there's two antique
stores that are across the highway from one
another. They have their own individual vibes. From
what we can tell, the one, the first
one we went into is run by, pardon
the stereotypes, but sometimes they're true, run by
men. And it looks like
a place that is run by a certain
kind of man who can put things in
piles and he knows where everything is, but
nobody else does. That's that antique shop. And
then the antique shop on the other side
is based on observation seems to be run
by women, and it's very color coordinated and
it's very delightful.
Anyway, so we're in that first one that's
it's antique y, but it's also kinda junkyard
y ish,
which is fine. I mean, we find interesting
things. We enjoy being there.
But
we barely walked in.
You found their first of many sections of,
just boxes of albums to Yes. To rifle
through. Mhmm. And,
thankfully,
you didn't make me ask. I had to
ask later, but you were like, go ahead.
Yeah. Like, you but I actually expected at
some point for you to make me stand
there while you did a thing that would
bore the shit out of me because that
would be a a you know, we'd be
playing with obedience. I'm kinda grateful you did.
Yeah. I kinda did a little bit towards
the end, but
Yeah. But then I started feeling bad, so
then I think you started feeling bad for
me. Like, I got this real bad headache,
and I was I think it was the
dust and the the smells from just
I you know, if you go into a
place I find this true in thrift stores
and at the flea market. If you go
into places where there's just a
lot of old things, used things that are
carrying their own scents, pleasant or unpleasant,
I tend to get a headache from from
that. There's something about the sensory input that's
a bit overwhelming. So by the end,
I did want to go, but I knew
better than to say that. I was like,
I'll just stand here patiently,
and he will tell me when we're done.
But the first time,
you were like, okay. Go ahead. There was
a lady in the the section where you
were
looking you were gonna look at albums, and
I was like, I hope she's, like, in
her own world because you really were like,
you may go.
And I was happy for that because I
knew I would be super bored if if
I didn't, and my feet would start to
hurt. And then I'd probably get whiny, and
this would have been a different kind of
experiment.
But I also had the, oh my god.
Did did that person notice? Were they paying
any? I hope they weren't. That was that
first moment of, oh, I've forgotten how Oh,
this is real. Right. And
and also, I've forgotten what it feels like
to be this way in public where others
might hear. Like, in the very, very beginning
of our relationship when we did that, I
was always a little embarrassed. I was always
worried with somebody here. And then there came
over time, I was like, what? They
we're keeping it low key enough. They might
think it's weird, but they won't think anything
of it Mhmm. If they're even paying attention.
And this time I was
like, did
that that lady hear? It
didn't matter. I wandered off. You did your
thing.
Then he texts me,
where you at?
And I'm trying to text him back,
but I see him. I sent the text
and I watch because I'm like, oh, he
said to text him. And I knew I
knew he sometimes doesn't hear texts. So I
was like, let's just and then my inner
good girl went, no. No. No. No. No.
If you see him
and you are not making sure he knows
where you are in response to his question,
you are gonna get in trouble.
So I sent the text. I waited a
beat, felt guilty,
started walking towards you.
Because I I could see where that was
riding the line between, like, you were not
asking where I was just for the hell
of it. You wanted to either find me
or for
for me to find you. Correct. If I
had already found you and had done nothing
about it, I I I think I think
there would have been a reaction I did
not enjoy is all I'm saying. Mhmm. Even
with no consequences
in play,
JB's almost never needed to do consequences. He
can just give the look, use a tone,
say a thing, and I'm like,
I don't like this feeling. So I wanted
to avoid that.
I wanted to avoid that. That was very
easy to slip into the
I can see how I could, like,
do this my way, or I can see
how I can do this and be
submissive
and a good girl. And and I
I was like, well, that this is not
that difficult. Let's go down that track. That's
where I wanna be. And that was kinda
cool because it's
it's very rare these days where I see
that clear delineation
because we're just kinda of stuck in our
habits, and we do the same thing. It's
why we had to take this outside of
our house. Right. Because And and you know,
the best way for me to describe
this all Mhmm. What is,
you know how every day you commute to
work, and you take the same route to
work every day, same route home every day,
day after day after day, day in day
out.
And then
one day you decide to take a new
route,
you know. And then the old route, you
can pretty much just, you know, start your
car and go on autopilot. You know? You
know? And
now you gotta learn a new way.
Mhmm. You know? And
I I think for me what it was,
you know, I've talked about being more mindful
of our,
power exchange
and and this really kind of pushed that
Mhmm.
That for me.
You know, I I had to be mindful.
I had to be aware of what, you
know Mhmm. What we were doing and everything.
So that that was a little different.
Was it different good, different,
neutral?
Neutral.
You noticed I didn't say bad, because I've
Yeah. If you didn't like it, I think
I would've I'm assuming I would've heard sooner
than today. Yeah.
No. You know, it was it was neutral.
I
I definitely didn't
not like it. Mhmm. You know?
I did
enjoy it. I was that was gonna be
my next question, is if you enjoyed that
that level of mindfulness of Mhmm. Because I
felt like I needed to be
aware of my own behaviors. I'm kind of
always aware of you.
I just needed to be more self aware.
Yeah. So what I'm curious about is on
your end, was it a did you need
to be more were you more self aware,
or were you more aware of me or
both or something else? Okay. Definitely both. Okay.
See, I think, yeah, I kind of have
the advantage. I'm
mostly
so attuned to you, which is can be
very annoying to him because I'll notice he's
cranky before he knows he's cranky.
Oh, man.
So, yeah, like, that it was not
being
being aware of where you were, of your
mood, of what you might want, that was
in no way new or hard at all.
It was more of a the self discipline
to what I was supposed to do. I
get it. But I think that, you know,
doing it in this small dose and in
this very,
specific parameters, the rule was basically from the
time we get in the car
at home to leave, from the time we
get out of the car at home when
we're done Correct. That was the time
for this.
And that first day, it was several hours,
and through a headache. So look at me.
I could still do it even with was
it a migraine? It was I don't know
what it was. It sucked. There did come
a point
when
was it? I can't remember what shop we
were in. Might have been the second antique
store. It might have been one of the
the thrift stores we went in, but I
had to ask permission.
It was in one of the antique stores
because we had stopped some place where you
could, like, look at these things, and I
was like, I don't wanna be here. So
I asked. I said, can I keep on
walking? Can I wander? And he was like,
yes. You may. I was like, okay. That's
kinda sexy.
But she could have been like, yeah. Sure.
But there's something about
getting the response from you as
when you're in dom mode versus when we're
just like Yes. Whatever. Yeah. And it it
was strange because I hadn't heard you talk
to me like that. And it wasn't y'all,
it was not special words. It was not
a special tone. It was I think it
was the intentionality
Mhmm. Of I had asked for permission, you
were granting it,
that it had just a different flavor to
it.
And that was kinda cool. And I was
like and I had it's been a long
time since I've had this, but I walked
away and I was like, he let me
go and do this thing I wanted to
do.
I felt very special.
Like, my daddy said yes.
And I don't know
if any other sub out there can relate
to that feeling of asking for the thing
you want and getting it and knowing you
got it from the dom, not just the
partner. Like it's
I just there's a different flavor to it,
is all I'm saying.
So
Yeah. That was that was fun.
I ended up going to the bathroom in
one of the places we went to. I
I had to have asked permission, but I
have completely forgotten. I just remember I I
had to go to the bathroom. It was
time. It was time. I don't even remember
where we were. I don't even remember how
that went. I don't remember that moment either.
I don't I just remember that the the
urge came, and I was like,
I'm so glad I'm not trying to text
through this because I gotta go to the
bathroom. That was the other thing that
I would do it anyway because I kinda
just like being near you.
You know, how that whole partnership thing goes.
That whole love thing.
But once especially once I realized you might
not hear a text, I was, like,
short of
asking to walk away or being permission to
go wander, I'll just stay close by.
And that was
I hate to say that. Felt new and
exciting too because we have absolutely gotten into
a point now that we do go to,
like, antique stores or thrift stores, places where
we can wander. And I don't like, at
the flea market, there's no wandering because I
am overstimulated from the moment we walk in.
He has to keep hold of me so
I won't just, like, freeze somewhere,
or burst into tears because my head hurts
so bad.
But, like, in these other places where there's,
you know, there's space to wander,
we have just gotten into this habit of
we'll for a couple minutes, we'll be together,
and then we just break off and go
do our own thing. Whereas this time, it
was only with permission. It was intent even
when we were apart, it was intentional. We
had briefly, like, seconds
talked about it, understood where the other was.
It wasn't just a wandering off from each
other, a mindless wandering off. And then, yeah,
once I realized, oh, that text thing might
not work, so I was like, you know
what? You know what? Here here's how I
keep myself
in line. Oh, just stay right the fuck
here. That's that seems best.
And it's a little bit like,
staying quiet so I couldn't let my mouth
run away with me.
It just it was
on balance, it was kind of a an
easier
way to go because I really did worry
that I was so out of practice that
I would fuck it up unintentionally.
And there wouldn't have been
some big backlash,
but I don't like disappointed
JB any more than I like angry JB.
So I just I wanted it to go
well. So
I was being intentional and and very focused
on
being the best baby girl I could be
and putting making sure I didn't put myself
in situations where I could accidentally
break one of the rules or do something
air quote wrong. It was just easier if
I
stayed within and and this was a me
thing. This was not him demanding this and,
you know, making wanting me to shrink myself
in some way. It was more like,
this allows me to do this thing
and not get in trouble.
And also,
I was well aware that that was different
from our normal behavior. And if we're gonna
experiment, let's experiment with different behavior too. Right?
So
the other thing JB did, and this is
not something we talked about,
specifically. It was just a thing he did.
I think he picked it up from me
going, I just wanna be your duckling. I
don't wanna have to look across the street.
I don't like, you just guide. Right? You
just lead.
Everywhere he went, he the moment we were
walking towards the thing, like, we'd get half
a step and his hand was out like,
hold my hand and I'm like, okay.
And that was really nice
because we have been holding hands more often
recently when we're when we're out in public.
Yes. But it's either a thing that I'm
grabbing for you or our hands just brush
and we go, oh, yeah. There you are.
And we hold
hands. This time, through this experiment,
his hand was out
behind him because we don't have a rule.
I have to walk behind him, but, you
know, he's leading the way.
And hand behind him, and it was no
question. Of course, I was gonna grab it.
Like,
of course.
I liked that.
That something about you putting your hand out
for me to take
without like, you're not looking at me. You're
not questioning it. It's just an understood up.
My hand's out here. She's gonna hold it.
Something about that makes me feel very
submissive.
Feels actually makes me feel the baby girl
side. Like that,
you know, bordering on a little you know,
I always say it's kind of the spec
in the spectrum of that. Like, I that's
when you're, like, taking care of me. You're
making sure I don't, like, wander off and
get lost anywhere.
You're making sure you know exactly where I
am and that where I am is, like,
connect
physically connected to you. And I like that
feeling. I really like that feeling. Okay. That
feeling is nice. That's Now,
through through all this,
I have to say, I think there was
one hiccup.
Mhmm.
And we're at the flea market.
The flea market was a couple weeks ago.
Oh, a couple weeks ago. That's right. We
did I mean, we we outside the experiment
That's right. We did have we always have
issues when we go to the flea market
because I'm immediately overstimulated. Yeah. It's it's a
very overwhelming place for me. I like being
there. There's especially when I'm looking for something,
but
I also hate being there. But what were
you thinking of? What I was thinking of
while that when we were walking through that
day,
as we were getting to the back of
the flea market, you were having a hard
time. My feet hurt. My head hurt. Your
feet, your head. Yeah. Everything. Too many fucking
people.
I was two people were too close. There
was no personal space.
And and there was a booth that I
I really wanted to walk through Mhmm. And
see. But I knew you were having,
you know, your
I was having a moment. Yeah. And
and outside the booth in the main
hallway there,
there was a bench. Mhmm. And I told
you to sit down Mhmm. And and rest
and wait for me. And you kind of
pushed back a little bit on that. Yes.
Had we been in the experiment, I would
not have. Mentally, I would have. I'd had
thoughts. I'd had thoughts. And here's what's funny.
At that time, and this again, y'all, it's
like two or three weeks ago. It's outside
of the scope of this experiment.
I could see myself pushing back, and I
was like because this
this experiment,
is a culmination
of
me trying to kinda just be more submissive
on my own and not asking JB if
he notices, if he cares, if this is
the way he wants me to be. I
was just like, let's see what happens if
I try this. What happens is I shock
the shit out of him.
But because there was nothing,
negotiated or organized and we won't we weren't
both on the same page about it,
Parts of my very natural personality were coming
out. And there was one time you were
like, I want you to sit here, and
I will be back. And I
the,
social anxiety side of me went, no. I
don't like that. And I pushed back then
Mhmm. Because I had this, like, how long
are you gonna be gone? And, you know,
all the
the not at all
rational thoughts that I get when I'm in
spaces around. There's too many people. Like, I
know it's not rational. I know other people
would be like, oh, well, why do you
just why don't you just do this? Well,
if my brain would fucking let me, I
would.
But what's happening to me is I'm internally
panicking over a thing that hasn't happened yet,
but it might happen and I might not
know how to handle it. And what am
I gonna do? And, yeah, I know. I'm
a functioning adult. I get it. But whatever.
So that time I was like, nope. I
don't wanna be left here by myself.
And the second time you were like, I'm
going in that
the the bench and the booth were 10
feet away. You're like, I'm going in that
booth. You sit right here. And I went,
okay. Not a problem. Not a problem.
And I and I was grateful to sit
down. But that was outside of a negotiated
parameters, and so I wasn't watching myself
as closely as I was this past weekend.
Yeah. And this weekend will be quiet. We
won't do much, but I think the following
weekend, we'll probably go and do a whole
bunch of things. Yeah. And we might try
this again with stricter parameters
or,
you know, whatever.
Yeah. We need to
make a trip to the downtown market one
weekend. I know. I need more soap from
that soap maker. Mhmm.
So yeah. I mean,
overall,
the experiment,
I I enjoyed it. Mhmm. I reminded myself
that I I like how this feels. I
had to remind myself of what it feels
like to be bound by,
Okay. Subjective term, strict rules.
Some people go, those are not strict rules.
For us, they were. I've been speaking my
fucking mind for a decade now. Yeah. It's
very rare. Let's put it let's put it
to you this way.
What
I found the nicest,
many times when we're out and about,
I will get,
why are you going this way?
No. You you we're going there, but why
are you going this way? You could you
should be going that way.
You take what I say that way sometimes,
you know, in fairness to JB.
Sometimes, yes.
I do say it that way.
Especially over the past few years. But lately,
as I've tried to be more mindful,
you are primed to take it that way.
What I'm trying to do is
get information
because I wanna understand what's happening.
So you like to take multiple different routes
to the same location. I have grown used
to that. I do not. I like to
just go the way,
because if I have to think every time
I try to think about different options I
have, I overwhelm myself because I'm like, well,
this one, here's the the downfalls of doing
that one. But if I do this one,
here's the things that might annoy me on
that. And then I'm like, don't make a
decision. It's fucked up and I know. But
you like to do it so often. I
just like to check-in. It's anxiety talking. It's
not anything else. Mhmm. And check-in and make
sure I understand what's happening.
Now in years past, that is not what
was that was what was happening, but it
was not done
in any way, shape, or form that make
me appear submissive. Okay.
Because I those were times I think my
anxiety was
riding me, and it was overriding
every other part of my personality.
That's a thing for me to work on.
I'm not, you know, I'm not saying, well,
that that I should just be excused. That's
just what was happening.
This time,
over the past few weeks, let me say
that, what I'm doing is going, oh, you're
take I'm trying to ask, are you taking
this alternate route? Because I just wanna know
where the fuck we're going. That has nothing
to do with you. That's not about your
ability to drive. That's not about whether you're
going the quote correct way. It's just
this little anxious brain just needs to know
where she's going. And I'm trying to like
check-in because, and here's the thing, and this
Yep. This is a long term relationship thing.
I am sure it happens to anybody and
everybody of all flavors and all sides with
Slash. But the longer you are with somebody,
the more you will see when they because
they're not thinking, because they're tired, because they're
distracted, they'll make little mistakes, right? Like people
do. Well, I
am a service sub with anxiety.
If I can do something
that will prevent you from making a mistake,
I'm gonna try to do that. You're gonna
jump in there. I've been using my submissive
voice to do this over the past couple
years. No. No. I have not. No. I'm
not. But we talked about this before when
we were talking about kinda coming out of
the stress. When it feels like every decision
you make
is, like, it has to be done correctly
or you've like created more stress for yourself,
there's gonna be you've made a mistake that's
big enough to feel. That's where that comes
from. You're, you know, trying not to make
these mistakes because they'll cost you. They'll cost
you time, They'll cost you materials. They'll cost
you money. Right?
These days, it's more like, oh, two things.
Anxiety of I I don't want him to
be wrong and then have to, like, feel
whatever he's gonna feel about being wrong. That's
not healthy. I know. But that's
how I am. But also the running joke
that's not really a joke in our relationship
is if JB makes a just a basic
little mistake,
but I knew
what was happening.
He will go, well why didn't you say
anything? And I have to go because when
I do, you get mad at me. So
I can't win
no matter what. And then when I say
that and I complain,
he gets to do his sadistic chuckle because
he knows I'm right. So
there's all
these factors are all coming into play
when I start, and I've like I said,
past several weeks, I've tried to be really
mindful
and do it in what I perceive to
be
a submissive way
and not say, well, why are you doing
it like that? And more like, oh, is
this what you're doing? I just wanna
know if I'm right. Am I understanding it
right? Because
how many times
have you almost
turned where you didn't mean to turn, and
I have to go, oh, weren't we going
a place where he should have kept going
straight? And he goes, oh, fuck yeah. And
he swerves us back. And then Yeah. And
I'm gonna say
that is the fine You have done that
a few times and and it has yes.
That is the fine line of service when
that service
is though those kinds of things. When it's
not an the activity,
when it's
guidance, it's advice, it's information based, I am
supposed to communicate information to you. Right. That
means there will be times that there's I
don't win that argument no matter what because
either
I tried to offer
information that you didn't need, and so now
I'm a know it all who's just trying
to tell you what to do.
Or
it was information you needed, but you were
a little annoyed with yourself
that you needed it but
we project that on others.
Or
I don't say anything because last three times
he was annoyed because he didn't need the
information but I thought he might. So I
don't offer the information, and then he's like,
but why didn't you tell me? And then
that's when my head explodes. Okay?
That's when there's just bits of brain inside
the car. See, in my mind, I and
I know I do that. I I know
I do that. I think most people do
that. I you know. It's just a thing.
And I really thought,
recently that I have been
not doing that as much.
I think you have been better about it.
Yes.
These disparities
in trying to serve with information and knowledge
and advice and whatever whatever Mhmm.
The worst times we've had at it are
the times we've been the most stressed. Because
True. That's not a time when we're hearing
each other. Mhmm. And it's also a time
when our responses to one another are
part of our anxieties. They're stress responses. We're
like, we don't have
a conversate a calm conversation.
Mhmm. We come
into a air quote conversation
And I think we've done that for just
long enough that we're both primed for each
other's
worst responses.
You are primed for me to go, why
are you doing it this way? What's happening?
What's and that was never about you, your
dominance, your your
ability as an adult. None of that. You
being my partner has never been about that.
That is anxiety on my part trying to
take get the information I need
to figure out what's going on so I
am prepared. That's all that's ever been.
Likewise,
me letting you know or asking,
do you is this what you mean to
do?
It's not a criticism of yours. It's an
acknowledgement
that sometimes you forget where you're going. You
get into autopilot. I go into autopilot and
yeah. Right. And it's it's
it's,
acknowledging that you're fallible. Like, you can make
mistakes. You have made mistakes, but it's not
a critique. Right?
And yet
I think what has happened
in the recent past is you've just kinda
wanted to be left alone to do the
damn thing.
But as
a traumatized people pleaser,
that's where me and a therapist talk about
my childhood.
You making the mistake and then the aggravation
that comes from making the mistake is more
than I can bear.
It's more than I can handle
emotionally and mentally. That is my problem to,
like, go work out, but that's what happens.
So I'm gonna do everything in my power
to make sure you can't make a mistake.
Is it driving you
fucking baddie? Is it making you question whether
I'm even submissive or not? Right.
I'm not saying it's a good coping mechanism
or strategy.
Just saying it's it's the one I've used.
So this weekend, what makes all, like, what
makes all of this relevant is this weekend
during these very specific parameters,
there was none of that. I just kept
my damn mouth do you know what happened?
Oh my god. Uh-uh. I hate to admit
this to you because you'll wanna do this
more often.
Negotiating
these rules and and how we were gonna
be in public Mhmm. And and me deciding.
Just just stay quiet. Unless you got something
you really need to say, just just chill.
Just let him talk. Let him lead the
conversation.
And, you know, asking questions instead of making
statements.
I was less anxious while you were driving.
Really? I was sitting there. Like, my brain
got quiet, which is just rare in general.
Yeah. And I think it's because I was
really focused on the power exchanger. I was
really focused on my role and, you know,
what we were doing and how I felt
and what it meant and blah blah blah.
And I was focused on not doing what
I usually do. And something about that, I
am not smart enough to know what that
is. I'm not educated enough to know what
that is. But something about that moment,
the only time I got nervous while we
were riding around
was when some dumbass in front of you
did something stupid and you had to react.
Not just because you're out here driving and
what and I just I I don't know
if it showed,
but I felt
much
calmer,
much less anxious.
The anxiety, it's always there. It's always there.
But it was
massively decreased. It was so much less.
It it absolutely was.
And,
you know,
this did not come about
with the experimental weekend,
but I'm I'm gonna tie it in.
You know, when we when we're getting ready
to go out,
a lot of times I'm ready before
Kayla
is. Mhmm.
And I'm sitting waiting.
And then
she'll get ready and she'll come and she'll
just quietly sit.
And not even when we're going out, when
we're doing we're planning activities too. Things we
need to get done. Mhmm. I know where
you're going with this. And and and she'll
just sit, you know. And most of the
time I'm playing
either my my game, the rise of cultures,
or I'm doing
solitaire. Mhmm. You know.
And
and she just, you know, comes out and
sits down
and is quiet. And I keep doing my
thing. I'm like,
why didn't you tell me you were
actually ready? And I said, because you were
in the middle of something. And I figured
when
you were done, you would say something. So,
I turned to her
and I said, baby girl,
I said, from here on out moving forward,
when you are ready,
regardless of what I am doing, you tell
me that you are ready to go. That
was the return of your Donnelly Stern voice.
I had not heard it in literal years.
I heard you be angry and annoyed, but
not with the dominant tone on it. Just
the exasperated
man tone.
Yeah. Yeah.
And there's a difference. I'm sorry if you
have not experienced it. There's a difference.
And
so that moment,
here's the thing. I think the reason we
could do this particular experiment
is because we've started doing these things on
our own without a formal
set time Mhmm. Parameters, blah blah blah, like
we did this past weekend. It started and
I it's when I I admitted it to
you. It started when I was like, I'm
just gonna be a little duckling and follow
him. Right? And that felt really good. And,
you know, over time, we've
relaxed enough to kind of start
feeling that dumb sub role a little bit,
but not
not in a planned
way. Right?
And this happened before this past weekend because
I think I mentioned it in an intro
to something, a podcast episode, a video I
don't remember about you using your stern voice,
and I hadn't heard that voice in a
very long time.
And it's a I don't
know. I I'm sure others can relate to
this, but it's
I hadn't felt it in so long. It
was foreign.
So there's
when when you were saying that, there was
the understanding that you were correct because I
was taking advantage of the fact that I
didn't wanna do the thing we needed to
do. And, oh, he was busy, so I'll
read my book over here. Right?
I I knew I knew what I was
doing.
So there was this brief
flare of
the shame I feel when I'm called out
when I'm found to have done something wrong.
Again, that's for me and a therapist whenever
that day comes again.
Because I I but I know where that
comes from. And then I know why I'm
always trying to be a good girl and
I'm a people pleaser. I I know where
that all comes from. So there was that
and it's just a flare
of feeling ashamed
because I did know better, and you were
unhappy, and here you are with your stern
voice, and that's not fine.
And that thankfully
and I I think it's because I know
I'm safe. You are my safe person. Mhmm.
Even when you're angry at me, you still
love me. I cannot tell you how many
years it's taken for me to internalize that.
Just saying.
What way longer than we've been married, if
that helps. Oh, goodness.
Uh-huh. And then on the backside of that,
there was this
oh. Oh, I I feel kinda submissive. Yeah.
I'll tell what he says. No I mean,
I could've been like, woah. Woah. Woah. Time
out. Let's negotiate this. Right?
And there are times you'll make a pronouncement,
usually out of anger,
not always with your dumb voice. No. And
I'll go, time out. Time out. Let's talk.
Let's negotiate this. This no. One, I I
knew what I had done. Okay.
I've been like, oh, look. He's playing his
game. I'll just read my book some more.
He'll tell me when he's ready.
Mhmm.
Knowing that I get lost in my book,
and he'll get lost in his game and
we won't get anything done.
So, yeah, it was it was this
the flare of shame and then the the,
like, spike of, oh, that makes me feel
submissive. Oh, I've missed that. Was so, like
they were almost on top of one another.
So it was this really strange I can
kinda still feel it when I think about
it. Because I
wanted to both cry and giggle at the
same time, but the effect of it,
past that, like, two second blip of emotion
was,
yep. That's what I'm gonna do going far.
You're right.
And I didn't even question it. And it
was it then became a point of conversation
because I was like, you haven't used that
voice
in a long time. Now I know you
did that out of a certain level of
annoyance or aggravation. Mhmm. But when you did
that, how did you feel
beyond the annoyance slash aggravation?
Empowered.
Nice.
I mean, that's Yeah.
Now
we haven't had
a lot of situations for that recently, but
they have come up even today.
I I did what you told me to
do, and I let you know that I
was done.
So then how does it make you feel
when I continue to do the when I
do the thing that you told me to
do?
It makes me feel proud of you that
you're doing Aw. I wasn't even going for
that. But I know. I mean, yeah. I
was thinking about how you feel
in your dominant self is really what I
was thinking. I mean, thank you for being
proud of me, but
sort of like how I can still
and I can remember that feeling I had
when you got on to me, and you
can remember feeling empowered.
Does any of that empowerment
carry over
for you when you recognize that a rule
that you set is being followed or your
instructions are being followed? It definitely does. It
it definitely does.
I I I lost it. I wish I
didn't look what I was thinking while you
were
talking there, but I can't
no. I can't I can't get it back
right now. I understand. Yeah. Believe me.
Podcast hosts who lose their train of thought
in mid sentence
because we're professionals.
We're the best. We're so good at this.
How long we've been doing it? Right.
Only ten years. Yeah.
So
that was a a windy
way to talk about the grand experiment Mhmm.
And how it connects to past and present
stuff because
this wasn't, like, a thing that came out
of nowhere. This we were leading up to
this. Mhmm. I was doing some of this
on my own, but then wanting to know
how it made you feel. And I was
like, but that's not fair because I haven't
clued him into what I'm fucking doing. So
how is he even aware enough to think
about it. Right?
But
in the conversations of telling you what I
had done in those, you know, go when
we went to the flea market, when we
did this, when we did that, something was
happening because you had that moment where daddy
Dom's stern voice came out. I don't like
that voice, but
I I do respect
it. And so, you know, you had that
moment. And then here we are. We sat
down. We negotiated.
You were very pleased with yourself when you
were like, oh, so we'll do slave Kayla.
I was like
I mean, y'all, my reaction was so immediate.
It was. I was like,
you know, when I when I talk to
y'all about figuring out your limits, and I'm
like, sometimes you just know, it was like
it was a knowing. I was like it
was not a never because as an experiment,
I would try it. Mhmm. But it was
a knowing that, no. I'm not ready for
that. Yeah. And we're not there yet.
So
so all of those things are intertwined because
it all leads to what we did. And
what we did,
I recognize, will sound very slight and small
and like it wasn't a lot,
but it was outside of our current, air
quote, normal behavior even though
I think
we would both like to be
more like we were this weekend
while we were in in the experiment Mhmm.
Than we have been because what we have
been is,
from my perspective,
so loose and relaxed that I
I let my anxiety
override
my submissive nature.
You
get frustrated with it,
but don't allow your dumb self to take
care of it. Mhmm. It's it's the the
frazzled, frustrated, stressed man who's like, I know,
woman. Stop being crazy. Right? Like
and so I think
it's safe to say we would want more
of what we had in the experiment. That's
kind of what we'd like to get back
to, but it was
it to me, it's proof of concept
of trying things small
in a very narrow parameter
at first,
there's a lot of information in that and
that is enough to get you started. Because
that was an from that we're talking about
all kinds of stuff and we're relating it
to all kinds of stuff and we are
aware of past behaviors and past feelings and
how it all connects, and here we are.
And I think
the is it fair to say that the
outcome of this experiment is
we would like to do this more often
and not as an experiment. Would that be
Absolutely.
So
now I have to say, I can't be
quiet
on every outing. I've got too many thoughts.
They will come I also think I'm funny.
So
but
am I willing
to practice
that mindfulness
of Mhmm. I know that I have the
freedom to say what I gotta say, but
I don't always need to.
I can just
sit back and let you
just be in charge.
You know? I mean, I I I will
say this. Aside
from,
you know, the the feeling of empowerment
Mhmm. From this as as a big d,
I I in
I liked it.
I enjoyed it. Mhmm.
Definitely wanna do it again.
Do you want it to become our new
normal when we're out? And in that form,
or do you wanna go deeper into the
experiments before we decide? I think I'd like
to go deeper. Mhmm. I mean, what you
know, like I was saying before the, you
know,
aside from feeling the empowerment too,
it forced me
into the mindfulness.
Mhmm.
It it made me be
aware of the moment and things and what
was going on. Mhmm. And and I like
that because I have not been that way.
No. We've no.
Neither of us have been. You know, with
with with life as it had been, I
had not been that way. And it felt
damn good. Was it a little bit like,
a break
from our,
air quote, new normal that we didn't we
didn't wanna have, but we just had found
ourselves
there? Was it a was it a break
from it? Was it a vacation from it?
Was it like, how
It was like a breath of fresh air.
K? Mhmm. Mhmm.
K.
I
think I feel the same way. I ended
up by the end of the first day
Saturday, I ended up with such a bad
headache
that I couldn't function once we got home.
It took a while.
So I remember
much of it, but by the end, I
didn't get the
opportunity to, like, sit with my feelings.
I know that it felt
like exercising an old muscle. Mhmm. So Yep.
There were these points of, like, I guess,
to keep the analogy, there was some soreness.
And for me, it was like, uh-oh.
Am I gonna remember, like, how do I
navigate this? Right? I'm completely with you on
the mindfulness
because it was purposeful and intentional. I had
to think about
my role and who I was and what
we were doing.
And
And it makes you think about every action
that you take too. Oh my god. Being
aware of, like, absolutely everything in it. And
a breath of fresh air is I think
I agree with that. I think I had
a similar thing because
in
I worried
I worried that I would forget shit and
I would fuck it up, like, a lack
of confidence.
And what I found even as I
felt yuckier and yuckier as the first day
went on, a Saturday went on,
it was not as hard as I feared
it would be. And
that
feeling of it it's not
truly natural
because, given my druthers and under stress,
I resort
to a lot of words and a lot
of questions and a lot of anxiety.
But natural enough because it's how I want
to be with you and how we used
to be. And I think I think that
naturalness is, that were it was remembering
this is what it used to feel like.
You know? Because
I knew you were you were focusing on
the dynamic and the moment and us, but
that meant you were focusing on
me. Mhmm.
And
that
makes me feel
special
and cared for
and cherished.
And those are some of the feelings that
I'm seeking as a submissive. Yes. I want
to serve and I want to make you
happy and I, you know, I want to
please you. Like, there's all of that. But
I also want to be
your focus
at times. Right? Like, I'm I'm a grown
up. I know I can't be your focus
a % of the time. That's not realistic.
But
we had gone from the way it used
to be where there would be so sometimes
it would be specific times. We knew we
were going out. We knew we were just
spending time one on one together, and we
were each other we were focused on each
other. And then life shifted, and we had
to focus on all these external things. And
then that became our new normal. And even
though we didn't really like it, I don't
think we understood
why we were feeling the disconnect. We were
just like, oh, we can't do kink things
and we can't do power exchange things. We
just don't have the time and energy.
But I for me,
what I'm realizing is it wasn't it was
never about the activity.
It was never even about the rules. It
was about
feeling like
Feeling a way.
Feeling what? Feeling a way.
Yeah. But a very specific way. That's not
Feeling
like I
like I was the center of your world
and that you are the center of mine
because it is it is true, especially when
we're in our DSL. It's like deep deep
in it because you are focusing on me
to make sure I'm, you know, doing the
thing I'm supposed to do, to make sure
that, you know, my behavior is on point,
whatever it is you're looking for. And you
are the center of mind because I'm like,
is he happy with me? Am I doing
the thing? I need to ask him a
question. He's the decider and all thing. Like
yeah. And I I feel like this past
weekend
gave
me a taste a a
deep taste of what that used to feel
like. And now I know what I was
missing.
And I feel like
I can even point back to
times when we were
miscommunicating with one another, when we weren't. We
were saying the same thing, but somehow still
mad at one another.
And I I think part of that was
I don't think we were feeling seen in
by the other
in the way that we are when we're
deep in our power of change. I I
agree with that. And there used to be
a time when this was just sort of
natural Right.
It's
not is it natural? I don't know. No.
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No. No. Debate. But for
us, it
Well, that's just how we interacted because that's
how we got to experience our power exchange
because we you know, people can see us
and we don't want them to know what
we're doing. So that's how we part of
how we did it.
And
that feels like
this is gonna sound very trite. I whatever.
It feels like coming home again.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
And so I'm glad we did the experiment.
Same.
Mhmm. Mhmm.
Same.
You know, for science. For science.
Science purposes only. Yeah. Right. You know, the
next conversation to have, which we might have
when we are planning our next, like, deeper
experiment is Mhmm. How much of this
do
I'm not saying we have to have the
conversation now, but Yeah. The next conversation is
how much of just that little experiment do
we keep going forward,
you know, and then add to it as
we try these new things. And I'm calling
them experiments because we do it, and then
it becomes content. So it's an experiment. Yep.
But, you know, if we were not doing
this weird thing on the Internet, it would
just be a thing you try. Right? And
then Yeah.
You,
come back to another, have the conversation and
go, okay. What do we keep? What do
we not? Right? For us, it's like, okay.
We'll take this deeper and deeper. But I
think as we're going, we'll pull the things
that we know are like, yeah. This this
is a thing. You know? And I and
I think it's like anything else that, you
know, as we as we move forward with
this, yeah. We're gonna find things that,
you know, oh, I really like this. We
need to keep doing this and, you know,
and all that.
Push it to the side. Or that that's
just, like, that's a party trick. We can't
do that all the time. Yeah. We do
that some of the time. Right.
Like, expecting me to be quiet on every
car ride, don't. Don't do that to yourself.
I I know that. I've been
mm-mm. No. Well and I
you'll correct me if I'm wrong so I
don't have to ask you to do it.
I think part of the draw in our
attraction to one another is you do think
you do like for me to, like, tell
you what I'm thinking and to hear my
thoughts and to share my inner world with
you. I have no doubt you'd like me
to do that a little less and at
a lower volume. You know? But it's it's
funny because, yes, you know,
if you all haven't noticed, if you're new
here, I'm the quiet
one.
Yeah. We just recorded something
that, we'll talk more about in a couple
weeks,
that is for not just y'all, but people
who don't actually know us. And I already
know the comments are gonna be like, she
sure does talk a lot. Yeah. Who's the
dominant here? Who's the submissive?
I know. Yeah.
I'm a lot a lot more unapologetic
about that. Yeah. But I also get where
I can see it now because we have
the direct comparison.
Lot of I'm not just sharing inner world,
inner thoughts, my personality, making you laugh. Yeah.
But, also,
because you're the safest person I know,
you're getting all of my anxieties. But they
don't come out as, daddy, I'm really worried
about this thing. They come out as, why
are you driving like that?
And, you know,
I can what I like is
kind of having this conversation specifically. Yeah. But
being on the other side of, like, having
a moment where I just
intentionally did not do that,
I can see it. I can see it
for what it is. In the moment, I'm
just, like, I'm just just trying to navigate
life. I'm trying to make sure everybody has
everything that they need, and I'm trying to
make sure my daddy can never make a
mistake ever because that is somehow the worst
thing ever. It's not. It's not.
But that's all anxiety,
and it's easier to see now.
I think you see it now, but I'm
that doesn't change that it's probably exhaust it's
exhausting for me to feel it, so
I can only imagine what it's like to
experience it full force.
Gale force wins of my anxiety.
No.
No. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
I'm so glad you love me.
And if I ever doubted it I did
it to myself. You really did. You did
it to myself. Yeah. I do walk around
reminding him when he gets in a funny
way, like a jokey
way, about
whatever, some some trait of mine. I'm sure
you pick one. It's not one of me
that you go, well, that's a little much.
That one. Whatever. I just remember. I just
no. Not remember. I just remind him Yeah.
You chose this. This. I've
there was never false advertising here.
Before he said I do,
I was like this.
That's what you get for being a safe
person. I don't know what to tell you.
You did that to yourself too. I did.
I did.
So, yeah, that was the
the little baby experiment. Mhmm.
Yeah. And it was cool. It was fun.
Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. Well, we're having a quiet
weekend this weekend. Yeah.
So, you know, I'm sure because we're sure
I think we're slowly, like,
coming back to certain ways of being that
we used to have. You know, there's more
asking. There's more this. There's more that.
I think some of that will just I
hate to use the word naturally. Like, it's
just, you know, it occurs in nature somehow.
And that's not really it. It is is
a mindfulness. It's a a changing of patterns
and behaviors.
But these are the ones that we got
into so deeply before that it feels natural
to be coming back to it. I think
some of that's probably gonna just kind of
naturally occur. And then we'll have another big
weekend of nothing but errands and
God help us the flea market. Yeah.
Slight aside to that, that has is not
about our power exchange, but it's about our
relationship with one another,
before you started to understand,
potentially, how my brain is wired,
you would get very frustrated
at me at the way I reacted when
we would go to a flea market or
we'd go to a crowd in a mall.
I I did at that at you know,
because, yeah, early on, I did not understand.
Right. And and I'm not saying this is
a a critique. I'm I'm trying to eventually,
I'll get to the compliment. Okay.
But you have
listened. You have learned. You have paid attention.
You've gone off and gathered information of your
own, and now you are
I I can
I will go to those places that overwhelm
me because what you
started doing without me having to ask for
it, you just understood it, is you kind
of you do your best to shield me,
and you check-in enough to be like,
is it too much? Can you handle it?
Can I keep going forward? My favorite is
just you hold my hand and you, like,
you'll bump into other people before you let
them bump into me.
I mean, has he almost knocked some old
ladies around? Sure. Was I mad? No.
No.
I mean, I do feel like I have
to tell you to lower your voice every
time we walk past a,
47,
loving,
stall where it's all these fucking flags. It's
like, do you have to fly the flag
once you've won?
I I don't think you do.
I've heard of sore losers. I've never heard
of sore winners, but here we are. Oh,
good.
So he does get a he gets a
little
cranky about that, and I'm like, shh. These
people have guns.
Watch yourself.
But other than that, me protecting you in
that situation,
you do, like, this really nice, sweet,
good job of, like
and yet it's just I'm trying. Is just
one more
sign of how we've
grown together.
Mhmm. Yeah. Could I keep talking about this?
Of course I could. Because now I'm, like,
swimming in my relationship feelings,
but we can stop.
We can do a bonus section. Alright.
So,
are we good? I don't know.
Keep it kinky, y'all. I will see you
next week.
Daddy.
Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to the
crickets?
Yeah.
I think I thought you said thank you,
by the way. I I thought you said
there was something you were gonna talk about
in the bonus section.
In regards to the computer.
The computer. Okay. Yeah.
Our our
quirky little issues.
Yeah. Well, the issues with recording, the issues
with video, or the issues with the box
itself.
All
of the above. So All of the above.
You had said we had we had to
have, like, a business meeting at some point,
and we haven't yet, but we will.
Is it in your mind a possibility or
a definite that
our audio recording and our video recording issues
are linked to a dying box? Not dying,
but maybe a crowded box.
I'm talking about the computer that we record
on. Yes. Crowded. Crowded? Definitely crowded. Gotcha. Yeah.
You know, folks understand when when we bought
this machine,
it was a few years ago, 04/2020. Twenty
'20 was when we moved in here, cause
we had a recording space. Right.
And,
at that time the computer came with
a SSD drive,
which is a a totally digital drive hard
drive.
No mechanical
parts. Downside to those drives are they they,
in the past, have tend to be rather
small.
And we started having problems. I saw that
the hard drive was filling up.
And I went through. I uninstalled
a lot of programs, freed up some space.
But now,
Microsoft is determined that this computer
needs to eventually be brought up to Windows
11. Mhmm.
So
it every week pretty much there have been
updates Mhmm. To this machine.
And that little bitty space I freed up
on the hard drive
going away. Because of the updates? Yeah. And
every yeah.
Yep. And you know, then when you open
a program,
the programs, they expand when you open Mhmm.
And they need space on the hard drive
to be able to run, and it's not
there. That's why we're having problems. Gotcha.
And we this computer is dedicated to just
recording. Right. We're not using it for other
purposes.
Correct. Right. It's just recording. It's hooked up
to the recording
equipment, and that's it. That's what it does.
Mhmm.
So Nice. Yeah. Yay.
Is so now I'm thinking, oh, we have
to buy an an potentially a new computer?
Not necessarily. Okay. Good. Because I was about
to do the, the the plug for Patreon.
I can't.
Like, yeah. I'll join our Patreon so we
can buy equipment. Not necessarily.
So,
I'll have to see if I can find
the,
disk that came with it
for the operating system
and see if I can
upgrade the hard drive. Gotcha.
If you cannot upgrade the hard drive, should
I beg people to join our Patreon so
we can buy a new computer? Is that
the step? Okay.
Don't worry. You can ignore it now. We
were gonna try the cheap way. Alright.
And I I do joke and kid y'all.
Yeah.
I do.
I have never really felt comfortable going, we're
really poor. Who will join our Patreon? I
don't I don't like that vibe.
I don't like that vibe at all. That
reminds me of too many YouTubers who get
on a camera and cry and then end
it with, but you can buy this. And
I'm just like, I don't like that.
I don't like that at all.
That's not a that doesn't leave a good
taste in my mouth. No. No. So that
that's kinda where we're at with the box
and the little quirks we've been having. Mhmm.
Why and Yeah. So if you're watching on
video and you're like, I'm really tired of
there being a delay. We are too, and
also it's it could be related. And if
you're listening and you're like, talk about the
sound, isn't quite the same. We know. Yeah.
We're working on it. We're working on it.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. So Mhmm.
So what do you got?
I just bared my soul on the podcast,
so I feel kinda empty.
Okay. I will say that I did have
to pay the piper of my procrastination
this week.
So that super secret, because we'll talk about
in a couple weeks, video that we did,
which actually then led to an idea of
a longer term series we're gonna do later
in the year. So that's very exciting,
because I like it when the content ideas
already exist. Thanks.
I
I've known that we needed to do the
video for, like, a month.
Yeah.
I procrastinated on writing the script. That is
one that I write a script for. We
don't follow it word for word, but we
use it as guidance. Bullet points. Yeah. And
and it helps me if I'm typing it
out of what I want to convey. Something
about that will stick in my brain, and
I can usually remember
to say it. I don't know what that's
about. So
we were supposed to record
last week, which was already pushing it a
little bit. We coulda done it two or
three weeks ago.
But then things came up, and I think
I wasn't feeling well. And I think you
had a moment and just My my my
lower back was acting up a bit. Yeah.
And then we were gonna record this past
Saturday, but that's the day I got my
my headache from hell that
I don't know I don't know what caused
it. I just maybe I do. I don't
know. So we're like, no. We won't do
it then. So then Sunday, because it was
due Monday,
and I had to edit the fucking thing.
So Sunday, we recorded, and I was like,
I should start editing today. That would be
the smart thing. I did not edit on
Sunday for something that was due on Monday.
And this is a thing
where
I have to do heavy fucking edits because
we have a time limit for it.
We talked for forty seven minutes.
I got it down somehow
to twenty nine minutes and fifty two seconds,
but it took four rounds of editing
to to get there. And that's all and
I was doing that all on Monday.
And then and then as I'm ready
to export the video so it can be
uploaded and sent in like it needs to
be and blah blah blah blah,
my computer
crashed
twice.
Twice.
The program the editing program crashed first and
just got stuck, and then everything in my
computer got stuck. And then I tried to
do I tried to do a restart and
it kinda started restarting, and then it didn't,
and then it crashed again. And so then
we went through it again, and and it's
getting later and later on Monday. And I've
gotten the friendly reminder email to, hey, Kayla.
Don't forget that's due. And I was like,
I know. I I did this to myself.
Now will I remember this for the next
deadline?
No.
I will.
You know what? You
giving me parameters
is so much easier to follow.
There's there's that not wanting to disappoint you,
not wanting to get in trouble, feeling submissive.
Somebody else who's paying me gives me a
deadline is not as serious to my brain
Wow. As as my daddy Dom giving me
a deadline. Wow. Somebody make that make sense.
So, yeah, that was my Monday. I was
I didn't finish work till, like, 10:00 because
it Yeah. The edits were because I knew
what I needed to do. I've now done
this before.
So So I was like, okay. I got
this. I can edit this. This is fine.
This is fine. And I was feeling really
good about these edits, but there were four
rounds of them to get it tweaked down.
So I stayed within the time limit,
and have the whole fucking thing make sense.
You know?
But then it took so long
to export the file Yeah. And then upload
it. With that. And then And you may
I sent the very
10.
I'm so sorry.
My computer,
my editing software, I'm so sorry. But here
it is now.
I'm so sorry.
So
And I sat with her. You did. Mhmm.
You did.
There would have been a good chance that
that even though I was brain dead by
the time I got finished that, I kept
sitting there finding little nitpicky things anyway. You
do I appreciate that about you. I also
I think it helps because I feel guilty.
You'll sit there sometimes when you know I'm
I gotta work longer, but you don't want
me to work too fucking long.
So
I appreciate it, but also I do feel
guilty because I'm like, he wants to be
sitting on the couch doing his thing. I
best I guess I better wrap up.
You know I have that kind of effect.
Using your power for for good instead of
evil. Yep. Yep. Lola
is snoring.
Like, snoring snoring back there.
I I thought it was hilarious. She was
on the on the couch
sleeping this morning, and our Roomba started up.
And and that thing's noisy. It's an older
I think we it's not quite 10 years
old, but could be close to 10 years
old. Very, very close. Very close to that
edge.
You know, I've kept it going. Replace battery,
replace this, replace that, clean that. Yeah. Yep.
And,
but it it it's noisy as it lumbers
around the house, and
and she was just there with her eyes
closed tight. And I knew she was asleep
because her ears were down. Mhmm. Yeah. She's
faking it if her ears are up. Yeah.
And,
I mean, if she was
just dead asleep snoring while, you know, the
Roomba's just running around.
Yep.
So
Katie Rose's body doubling is good. And I
didn't even think of it in that aspect
though. No. We think of it specifically for
the youngest, because that's how he gets school
work done. There was a I'm not gonna
go into it because I stayed calm yesterday,
but I would get mad now. There was
a little kerfuffle. There was a there was
a little Kerfuffle. There was yeah. Yeah. So
he's back on track now, and it requires
body doubling. It's fine. We'll get it done.
Yeah. I just I knew that for him.
Yeah. I can't the oldest, he's a little
bit like me. I or I guess I
would say I prefer to be solitary. He
kinda prefers to be solitary. Like, you don't
you don't wanna be perceived while he's doing
shit. Mhmm. But
at least for finishing up, I guess it
is body doubling. I just never thought of
it in terms of bad ass man. When
I'm by myself and can't feel like I
can focus, I I don't need or want
anybody around me. I'm also that person who
does not like to be perceived when I'm
folding laundry,
exercising,
cleaning.
I don't know why those specific things.
But if there's anybody in the room slash
house, I can't do the thing. I have
to go where nobody can see me doing
it. I I don't know why. I just
know.
Excuse me. That's a thing.
But yeah. So,
nothing major, thankfully. No. No.
And
It's all been good. We've just been
trucking trucking along. Yeah. Which is kinda nice
to be able to say that. Mhmm. It's,
you know, a much, calmer life than going,
oh my god. Let me tell you about
our this week's dumpster fire.
Yeah.
We're,
we're,
straddling that line of how do we stay
informed in today's world Yeah. As things seem
to burn down around our ears versus how
to how do we protect our mental health
enough that we can continue functioning.
Yeah. It's a fine line and and we
don't know It is. If we're on it.
You know, we just,
adjust as we go. Yeah. We had to
set I had to set a a boundary
with JB. I was like, I know you
wanna talk about all of the outrages
that are occurring.
I you can't come to me one by
one with everyone you discover. I I
I can't handle it. I said, let's set
times where we will discuss these things, and
you'll go, what the fuck? And I'll go,
I know. And then I'll go, what the
fuck? And you'll go, yeah. Same. Yeah. And
we'll we'll talk about it, but we don't
we won't do it every ten minutes, because
I can't do it every 10 minutes.
And and I'm I'm looking
at other ways,
you know,
to handle
some of this stuff.
I've started journaling.
Mhmm.
And,
I'm tonight I'll be,
on a Zoom call with Equality Florida. Mhmm.
That they're they're doing an open Zoom call
here in Florida,
because they're trying to pass more
laws.
But, you know,
anyhoo
I know. I feel like I can feel
smoke
Yeah. Coming out of my ears right now.
I know. But, yeah. Lola's Lola's doing good.
She is
adjusting
well to her new medication.
Yeah. Her pain medication. Yeah. Yeah. Really seems
to be helping her a lot. Oh my
god. Last night,
she got the zoomies.
Oh, my gosh. She was
she was hunkered down and serious. She's a
big old girl. You don't you don't want
her to tackle you. You're going down. Oh,
yeah.
Yeah. I I I learned long ago when
she gets like that, she does like to
body slam. Mhmm. And and when I see
her coming at me in that, I I
gotta
Yeah. Brace yourself. Brace myself for it. Yeah.
Because, you know, she's losing weight, but she's
she's still a chunky girl, and she hits
you like that, boy. Yeah.
She comes in like a wrecking ball, y'all.
Yes. She does. Yeah. She does. But she's
happier, I think. Yeah. I I think so
too. I I think she has
a bit more energy. It's what I noticed
is she still still kinda sleeps like a
cat.
Yeah. But when she's awake, she's more alive.
Right. I don't feel like I'm seeing her
sleep any less though. Mm-mm. I know. She's
still sleeping a lot. Yeah.
Yep.
The one the one thing that I can
definitely say has diminished is her paw licking.
Yeah. Oh, god. That's the most disgusting sound
on the planet. I mean, she still does
it a little bit, but not to the
extent and,
you know, that she was doing it. Yeah.
So yeah. She's she's doing doing well.
Ella and
Onyx, well, they are
terrors.
Especially with one another.
Yeah.
But they're they're still good. They're sleeping side
by side on our bed, so Yeah. Can't
be all bad. Yep.
So,
yeah, it's all. It's kinda It's all same
old, same old in in a good way.
Yeah.
Yeah. I got nothing on it. I think
that's about it. Yeah. I think that's more
than enough. Yeah.
So I guess we say goodbye and let
these good folks carry on with the rest
of their day, evening.
Life. Life. Yeah.
Thanks for being here. Mhmm. Especially to the
bitter end. Yeah.
We appreciate you. We do. Especially when we
do episodes like this where it's pure navel
gazing. It's like, oh, this thing is very
important to me and about me.
Hopefully, it might inspire somebody to go do
some little baby experiments themselves, see how you
feel.
You just made a
I just remembered something. Is it bad or
is it good? No. Okay. We did a
resin pour yesterday afternoon. It's still in the
Oh, I meant I meant to ask you
about that. About it.
Okay. We got some handles we gotta go
get. Okay, y'all. Anyway We'll see y'all Thanks
for joining us, and we'll see y'all next
time. Yep. Bye.