You're listening to the Living BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lords here with the one, the only,
the guy who is definitely feeling his dom
self, John Brownstone. Yeah.
You were stern with me.
Yeah.
You haven't been stern
without there being tension in a very long
time.
You get stern when we're tense with one
another. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's like how you
This was a little different though, wasn't it?
It's different. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. But that's not why we're here. No.
I and I do have thoughts about it,
but they're not appropriate and will get me
in trouble. So
we're just not gonna go there.
This week, we're answering a question from a
kinky couple who wants to explore consensual nonconsent
and wants to make sure they start from
the best possible place.
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Okay. Here we go. I, female twenty six,
have been with my dom, male thirty three,
for a little over a year now. We've
been doing various kinky activities, bondage, sensation play,
forced orgasms, etcetera, for the whole time we
have been together. We have recently started talking
about our shared interest in C and C,
consensual nonconsent.
I have little experience in practicing kink with
a partner before this relationship and my partner
has been practicing kink for years.
When we discussed wanting to experiment in some
CNC, my partner told me he might find
it difficult with me because he would be
afraid of hurting me. I hate when people
see me as weak or fragile, but I
also know that's not how he meant it.
He is incredibly caring and kind. I call
him a service dom. And to my knowledge,
he has not done CNC related things with
his long term partners before.
Do you have any tips or suggestions on
where we could start, what activities we could
do to start slow, or what things we
should discuss to make both of us feel
safe and confident?
We will, of course, discuss this more, but
would love some outside ideas to bring to
the table.
First thing that comes to my mind, like,
with anything else is educate yourself
on the on the topic. On what CNC
is and can be. Yeah. For sure. And,
you know, how how people navigate it.
Look for groups on on FetLife. Mhmm. Alright?
I am sure there are is a myriad
of groups
in in FetLife.
Look for workshops. There could be virtual workshops
online
in regards to to CNC.
You know, those are all things that are
important,
you know.
Kudos for wanting to take that step to
try it, but, you know, educate yourself in
in what it's all about. Mhmm. You know,
especially since you're fairly new to this, and
even though your your
d type is is experienced, have been in
lifestyle, that this is something they may not
have done. Mhmm.
So Okay. I agree completely, like, as always.
Have we have I ever disagreed with you?
I don't think so. The other thing and
I think this sort of piggybacks off of
what where you started with it, which was
the education. Once you have and you may
already. Right? If you're
if you know that the concept of consensual
nonconsent exists, you likely already have some ideas
in your head of what that means.
As you're educating yourself and then definitely once
you feel like you've maybe got a grasp
on what it can mean,
the one of the first things I would
say after that is figure out what you
think it means to you. And what I
say when I say what you think it
means, it's because there's a very good chance
you'll have this idea, this picture in your
head. You'll try it and be like, nope.
That's not for me. And you might adjust.
Right? So
get clear individually and then together about
what
you are curious about with CNC.
You know, we practice a form of a
type of free use Mhmm. That's pretty mild,
pretty subtle,
but, you know, CNC can go from something
like that up to
some from it's a subjective, but I would
call extreme sort of fantasies,
that can involve, you know, kidnappings and just
Right. All kinds of stuff. So
try to figure out what
this means to you and what is intriguing
to you.
Once you have that thought, then you kind
of back it up, in my opinion, to
okay. What are baby steps to this? What
are ways that maybe we can try some
of this without going into a full blown
scene just to see if we're comfortable with
this, if this vibes with us, if we
have an immediate negative reaction or immediate positive
reaction?
So let's say you're into the idea of
full free use. Your partner can
do what he wants with you sexually maybe
or in some other way when he wants.
Okay. Well, I don't think I would go
from never allowing that to, sure. Fuck me
whenever you feel like it. That's a zero
to 60 kind of thing. I would play
with it. I would create maybe signals or
scheduled time when this is when you as
the submissive are open to it or know
that you, you know, you don't know what
will happen. Maybe you don't even know when
it'll happen, but you know something could happen.
Always always from these experimental points up to
whatever CNC
looks like for you, you always play with
a safe word. There is a massive misconception
that because you're playing with consensual nonconsent
that you forego the ability to revoke consent.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh. There should absolute especially
when you're new, but I just think everybody
always, you need some sort of safe word,
safe gesture,
some signals,
more than one would probably be ideal, so
that
either one of you can go, woah, woah,
nope, This this went too far. But you
could still play in small ways. So go
back to the free use example.
You wanna build up to
fuck me, do whatever you want to me.
Whenever you want to me, you can surprise
me with it. Okay?
My suggestion would be think of what that
means and then maybe back that up to
what activity is kind of small, kind of
you you know how you are with each
other when it's
overtly consensual. Right?
And then plan a time when it is
possible that that thing could happen. You still
leave the control with your partner,
but you
know that it's possible. One, that gives you
the opportunity to speak up in case it
becomes a bad time. You know? No. Don't
do it when you have a migraine. No.
Don't do it when you've got a deadline
at work and you don't have a choice.
Like,
you know, you got a real life is
will interfere at times.
And even if you both imagine something consensually
violent appearing that's, you know, air quote this
word again because it's subjective, extreme,
start with gentle.
Start with
I'm just gonna do this thing during our
appointed time that we've set up to try
this,
but it's not gonna involve all of your
other kinks. It's gonna be
you know, from the outside looking in, it
might even appear to you to be, air
quote, vanilla. Right? It's not gonna include forced
orgasms and bondage and this and that. It's
just gonna be the basics of that activity.
Or it could be and, again, I'm using
the free use example because it's an easy
one because
CNC
fantasies
are are varied. There are so many ways
to do it.
Maybe it maybe free use isn't just fucking
for you. Maybe it is just tie me
up and leave me there. Well, okay. Pick
the activity,
set the time when it could happen,
play with it, have all your safe words
signal.
Let your partner, you know, doms check-in,
especially when when you're new to it, especially
when you're trying it.
And then afterwards,
after whatever aftercare you do, after you've had
time to kind of, like, process,
then you do a a check-in with one
another and you talk about it. Did you
like this? Did you not like that? What
what could we do different? What can we
add? What do we need to take away?
Was this just a no for you and
you never wanna do that again? And that's
both sides of the slash. You don't need
to be a part of that conversation and
have opinions there.
Because it's possible you love every second of
it and your dom's like, I I can't.
I just can't do this. This isn't for
me. And he gets to have,
you know, the ability to withdraw consent just
as much as you do.
But that's what I would say. I would
I'm I'm big into the break it down
to the smallest possible element you can think
of
and then
schedule things, make time for things, know that
they're coming
so that,
you know, you can set aside time, you
can rearrange your life a little bit,
and then once you become comfortable with an
activity or you you expand upon it, right,
then you can decide if you wanna let
go and go whenever
this, whatever that, how like,
yes, then. But until then, keep it very
small, very slow, very basic with lots and
lots and lots of check ins and and
communication and debriefings and continue to educate yourself,
continue to, like, find people online or in
person if you have access to an in
person community
to talk about these things with because everybody
has their own quirk and way
for people who do CNC. Everybody's got their
own way of doing it and the things
that,
work for them that might not work for
somebody else. And the more you can hear
from different people about how they do it,
it, more you can pull ideas or realize
very quickly, oh, yeah. Nope. Nope. Didn't like
that. Not interested in that. Mhmm. And it
it can help you narrow it down a
bit too. Yep. One thing I like to
throw in here with all this,
when when when
doing CNC,
you know, a lot of times when you
do that, you are,
dipping your toes into
unknown territory. Oh, yes. Okay?
Be aware of landmines,
it's what we call hidden triggers. Mhmm.
Okay? Mhmm.
Uncovering something like that is entirely possible because,
you know, let's not forget,
d s, especially going into something like that,
it's not just physical, it's also mental and
emotional. Mhmm.
So those are that is something you want
to be aware of. And if you know
that you have triggers
that things either one of you, things from
your past, things that can set you off,
things that are just not good for you
mentally, emotionally to be playing in,
If you haven't already had those conversations, you
need to be having those conversations because, yes,
for both of you, you need to avoid
that because that is one of the risks
of kink that just don't get enough mention.
We talk about the physical risks, and there
are many. But the mental and emotional ones
of hitting
a trigger, hitting a landmine as JB calls
it, that you didn't know was there, and
it's happening in this moment when you're both
extremely vulnerable and one of you is probably
naked, just how things tend to work. And,
you know, your brain might have gone offline
a little
bit, and now you're yanked back. Like, it's
it can be
oh, it can mess you up. And that
doesn't mean you can't recover from it. It
doesn't mean that you can't ever do that
activity again. It doesn't mean you have to
know your triggers before they occur, but you
do have to know it's possible.
Mitigating
risk. You never make it go away altogether.
Right. But you're aware of the risks in
ways you might not be otherwise. That's true.
That's true. And and, you know, mentioning that
too, that that that this is a good
time, you know, negotiating something like this to
be very aware, you know, of a rack
risk aware consensual kink. Mhmm. You know, understand
understand the risk of what you are doing.
Right. And it's not again, let me say
this. This is not just physical potential physical
harm. Yes. That is always there, especially if
you have again, I'm using air quotes,
subjectively
extreme,
air quote that,
extreme scenes that you wanna try.
Yeah. There's physical, but, man, there's so much
mental and emotional. Yeah.
And And and everybody's risks will vary. Right.
Exactly. And the the main theme is to
go with the person who's
most risk averse.
Start at that level, whichever one of you
it is. You can build from there because,
you know, sometimes we are risk averse because
of our own anxieties, because of things we've
been through, because we, you know, don't want
to nonconsensually
harm somebody. Right? Yeah. And what it can
sometimes take is having the experience
of doing these things on a lower level
with
somewhat less risk to trust both in ourselves
doing the thing and in our partner. You
know, your part your dom who is worried
does not want to hurt you in ways
that, you know, are nonconsensual,
needs to know, one, that you're gonna speak
up if something goes wrong, two, that of
what their limits are and what they're capable
of and willing to do. And the best
way to do that in what I would
consider,
again, air quote, the safest way, you know,
the most
risk is most mitigated is really slow and
small.
Do small things and build up, and then
one of you will hit your point. At
some point, you're like, nope. This is this
is too far for me. This is where
I stop. And that's what you play within.
And over time, you know, you may expand
on that. You know, your dom may grow
more confident. You both may just, you know,
inherently build a deeper trust that allows you
to try things that you couldn't try in
the beginning.
We have been together for over a decade
now, and we and this isn't even about
CNC. It's just how play can evolve.
Ten years ago, you could not have paid
us to play,
not fully sober.
Now after all these years, we try it
in small ways and in small doses because
we have the confidence in ourselves and we
have
most obvious potential potential danger,
for many people in kink. You you can
understand you're trying to play with scenes that,
you know, are made to be triggering in
some ways.
But, yeah, for in this in anything, but
especially C and C, you start small,
low, and slow.
Yeah. And you figure it out from there.
But, yeah, I agree with you. The top
one is education.
Figure out how you're defining CNC. What are
your fantasies leading you to? Right? Because it's
very possible. You're thinking, oh, I'd like a
little free use where you just bend me
over the couch whenever you want to. And
your partner is imagining CNC as, oh my
god, full on, I can't say it because
of censorships, but s a, you know, like,
kidnapping fantasies.
And there's a lot of room between those
two ideas of CNC to find, like, a
middle ground. So yeah.
Yeah. That that's what I would say.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
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