You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode
four twenty nine. Kayla Lords here with the
one, the only,
the you have a well of patience that
I have missed. John Brownstone.
I mean, I haven't been testing your patience
to my knowledge. No. You haven't. No. That
that you have not. But other things have.
Yeah. And you're, like, that was the thing
you were kind of
famed for. Like, it was infamous on a
positive level. And then for a while,
no patience.
No patience. When I'm the most patient, one
of the two of us, something is That
something's wrong. Gone off the rails. Flip that
like that. Yes. So yeah. Your your well
of patience is filling back up. It is.
I appreciate it. You're welcome. Because I would
like to try that patience.
And I have not done that in a
while. Not purposely.
No. You have not.
Who do I think that?
In you know, we're not really talking about
that this week, but I think we kind
of are. Mhmm. In a roundabout way. Yeah.
Yeah. Because what we're talking about is something
I think that a lot of people can
possibly
relate to now or guess what? You might
relate to it in the future.
And that is some of the feelings we've
had as we've kind of
experienced our roles in power exchange again.
Part of our roles, and we'll we'll get
to that.
For me, it's comfort. For you, you said
familiarity.
And I've had to practice saying that word,
and I'll still probably fuck it up at
some point. I probably can't say it again
either. It's okay. Try typing it 85 times
like I did today. I'm just saying. It's
a thing. Anyway,
welcome to Loving BDSM podcast. If this is
your first time listening, glad to have you.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and Friday
for your kinky pleasure in education, and show
notes are found at lovingBDSM.net.
Come back often and feel free to add
the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You
could also follow the show on FetLife at
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that handle I will forever fucking hate. Loving
d s and the number one, so it's
at loving d s one.
On blue sky, at lovingBDSM.
Blah blah blah. Mhmm. Mhmm.
The link is in the places, and also
if you search loving BDSM on blue Sky,
we will come up, or on YouTube at
youtube.com/lovingBDSM
where you can watch us live stream the
podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the
show notes.
Okay.
So one announcement.
It's the thing I've been saying every week.
This will be the last week I say
it until we get to 2026.
We're still in our Patreon membership drive, and
time is literally running out. If I read
the calendar correctly the last day
to join our Patreon
during the membership drive and get the perks
of the membership drive
is February 15, this Saturday. For podcast listeners,
it's the day after this podcast goes live.
So if you've been thinking about it, you're
like,
maybe.
Now hopefully is the time.
So anytime you join our Patreon, there are
certain things everybody gets no matter what. You
get access to our Discord server. Mhmm. For
those who have asked for Discord server access,
it's the only way through our Patreon.
We do JB no. We. No. We do
a behind the scenes
podcast episode every month. It's bonus section, but
with more purpose.
So this year, because our focus is on
getting back into our power exchange in the
way we want it to be, whatever that
looks like, we're talking about that more.
And then as I,
mentioned in the livestream a few minutes ago,
we are alternating each month. One month is
a game night. Mhmm. You do not have
to have Discord access to,
join in. The other month is a movie
night where we will share our screen and
watch a movie, and I'm still we're figuring
out the logistics of that.
But that's for anybody at any level who
joins our Patreon. If you join at the
$5 level, you get access to all of
that and JB reading bedtime stories too, if
that's your jam.
Anybody who thinks, or knows, I should say,
that JB has a very nice voice. There's
none of me in it. I'm not in
the I'm the the silent editor. It's delightful.
And then at the $10 level, you get
all that, and you get access to,
our digital downloads that we make for Etsy
and put up on Etsy. You get access
to all of those,
for free at no additional charge.
Gotta get that organized better on Patreon. That
is also on my list. But if you
join during the membership
drive,
which let me say again ends at 11:59PM
Eastern on February 15, the day after Valentine's
Day,
you get a few things. If you join
as an annual member, you get two months
for free. So you pay for ten months
of access.
You get twelve months of access.
Also, if you join, you during that time,
you get perks. So,
everybody is going to get the digital download
of a workbook I'm still working on
about communication and primarily power exchange, but it
all transfers to BDSM in general.
So everybody gets that. And then if you
are in the $10 tier, you will get
mailed, even, yes, even if you're international, our
exclusive,
not putting it out publicly
anywhere for sale,
tenth anniversary podcast enamel pin, pin, p I
n, pin.
I just ordered them.
You did? Like, late last week, middle of
last week, something like that.
Got the confirmation from the price hasn't changed
yet.
I'm grateful for that. I that's why I
got the order in. Don't know what's gonna
happen, with the state of the world as
it is.
Got confirmation.
I gave them confirmation. I was I approved
the proof. They gave me confirmation that they
are putting it into production
and they should be here sometime in like
mid March at the latest.
So you get access to all that. That's
a lot and I know I say it
very fast and I throw it out at
you very fast. There is a link in
the places where you can actually read all
of that. I've put a blog post up
on the website,
but also if you go to our Patreon,
which is also linked in the places, that
information is kind of there.
Maybe maybe not as succinctly as a blog
post, but it's all there.
So
yeah.
And what what do we get for yeah.
That's what y'all get. What do we get?
To keep doing this.
To keep me where it is on the
Internet.
There there are definitely times during the year
and over the years when Patreon has helped
keep the lights on, so we appreciate you.
Yes.
Yes. We do. Okay.
Somebody asked why the
podcast is no longer available on Amazon Prime
Music. That's a good question. I don't know.
I will have to go find out.
So
that is
for anybody else who's wondering, yeah. That I
don't know. I need to go check those
connections. Mhmm. Something may have happened.
I think 2025 is, like, a year of
change for me because a thing I was
researching in 2024
that, hell, I might talk you into considering
it, is changing who hosts the podcast audio.
Yes. Because I feel like we are way
overpaying for what we get.
But also some of the other podcast places
actually make it easier for your podcast to
show up in different places. Yes. Whereas the
host we use currently,
things will happen and we'll get disconnected, and
I'll have to go back in and, like
Yeah. It's not the first time. No. But
I don't usually know that we're disconnected until
somebody says something. So
I will have to go find out.
Okay. All of that. We are getting into
the topic. Mhmm. And,
for me to suggest a topic to JB
means it's on my mind and I'm really
thinking about it hard because I'm like, oh,
I think there's something to say here, but
also I have realized
that I feel a little vulnerable.
Now I've never clearly, in 428
former episodes, I have not been worried about
being too damn
vulnerable.
But this one has, like, got me in
my,
Got you in the feels? Yeah. It's got
me in my soft squishy parts. I mean,
most of me is soft and squishy. So
maybe that's the problem. It's got me in
all of my soft squishy parts.
But,
yeah. So this is meaningful. I think part
of it is I have not
spent literal months of time thinking about it,
like a couple of,
topics that are kind of coming up in
the future. I've been thinking about those. This
one is, like, kind of a thing I
just realized. Mhmm. So
the title is me trying trying to express
it, and then any little intro text in
the places is me trying to explain this
succinctly.
So for the past two years when our
life was basically a shit show,
we were just holding on by the skin
of our teeth,
I was very much a service submissive. We
said the whole time, we are still twenty
four seven. It's lighter. It's not what we
want it to be. There's less we're doing.
But for us, we are twenty four seven
because
I'm always baby girl. Missus Damascus, he is
always daddy dom. He is the decider. For
those years,
that was mostly what you were was the
decider. I brought things to you and said
Yep. Please decide.
And most of what I did within our
power exchange was serve.
One, we didn't have to do anything new
most of the time for that because
I had a routine.
I took over financial stuff truly as an
act of service, not because I wanted to.
If JB ever gets that, desire back, I
will hand it over happily.
But that that was where I know I
lived in our power exchange. And in my
personal role as a submissive
was in service, which,
can be very
fulfilling, and it can be
a wonderful thing, but it can also be
exhausting,
and it can be where resentment
goes to grow. You know?
And I know in conversations we've had, so
add please add something to this. I know
that you were often
overwhelmed
Yes.
In your role. Mhmm.
So,
what would you
say in regards to the past few years
how you feel or felt about
your role?
Because we I feel like we're gonna talk
about how we felt Yeah. Before we talk
about how we feel. Mhmm. So
are you or did I hit a vulnerable,
soft, squishy
spot? I'm not sure.
You know,
it's,
yeah. The the last few years has been
a
a wild
roller coaster ride. Mhmm. You know, mister Toad's
wild ride.
And
it
feels good
that things are settling down. Mhmm. And and
getting a a grasp on things.
There is a part of me that almost
does not trust it. Oh, God. No. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm definitely cynical and waiting for
it to go away. Really? Absolutely. A wee
bit of a cynical.
Yeah. We don't I don't trust the good
fortune. No. No. No. No. No.
And and yet,
as as you said earlier, you know, you
asked me. For me, it it's a a
familiar
familiarity. Mhmm. Yeah. I know that's a tongue
twister. Okay.
And,
you know, and and even like you said,
there there is a
a
a amount a good amount of of comfort
Mhmm. In it as well.
And it feels
good leaning back into it. Mhmm.
Mhmm. Yeah. My overwhelming feeling has been a
sense of comfort. And when I say comfort,
it's more
I don't know how to to describe it.
It's a safety.
It's it's the familiarity of I recognize this
feeling Right. Even though some things probably
have changed.
There's
the trust
that comes with it. So let me let
me back up a little bit. For me,
I spent the past several years just focused
on service mission or being a service submissive.
What I did not do a lot of
is just submit.
JB wasn't doing a lot of taking control
of, and so I didn't do a lot
of submitting,
which in for me and the way I
I'm thinking about it right now,
is,
you know, having less control over
what I'm doing, where I'm doing it, how
I'm doing what's happening to me within my
boundaries and limits and consensually, of course.
And serving can be a very
active role that you can take as a
submissive,
because to serve means to do some stuff.
Right? Whether it's you're waiting to be told
what to do or you're, you know, saying,
hey. Can I do this for you? I
see that you could, you know, use this
this help. Whatever
whatever.
And submitting for me is
decision making is not part of it. It's
not it's active in a different way.
It's the time I have to turn my
brain off and kind of let, somehow, let
the body relax
so the things can be done to it.
And
it's one of those things I think sometimes
you don't know that you're missing something
or that you weren't you were feeling the
absence of something until it's back. Mhmm. And
I think there's there's a comfort in that
as well. Yeah. Now,
why is all of this,
naval gazing
a good topic? Because
we are not the first, not the last,
not the only to have had to put
some level of our power exchange on pause
and then decide to come back to it,
like,
mindfully, purposely come back to it and go,
okay. What can we build from this? What
can we do that
we that feels better, that helps us connect
better was
part of our truer selves. Right?
And so there's so many reasons why
people in whether you're in a relationship or
single, you take breaks from it.
There's so many feelings that you can have
when you come back to it.
So I'm thinking of comfort. JB is thinking
of familiarity, but good lord.
Happiness,
anxiety,
worry, fear.
Like, pick an emotion, and we're all complex
creatures, so it could be 85 of the
emotions all at once.
I know when we were
talking about, hey. We wanna focus on this.
We have the the mental capacity, the emotional
capacity to focus on this.
I was excited, and there wasn't it wasn't
fear as in, Oh my gosh, I'm breaking
out into a cold sweat. I've gotta go
like sit in a dark room. But there
was that little
tinge of anxiety of, What will this be
like? Right? Will it be different? Will I
still like it?
All of that.
And so what has happened recently
is there's been this sense of comfort and
I still I that word is is what
I mean, but it does not say everything
I mean and I don't have enough words
to describe what I mean. So hopefully, it
will come through. Even though please don't make
a drinking game out of how many times
I'm gonna say comfort in this episode,
you'll be in the hospital.
So what I have found is as I've
been feeling this sense of comfort Mhmm.
Is that everything has gotten easier. It becomes
this feedback loop of this feels good, so
I feel safe to do it. I can
let it happen again. It gets easier. Now,
can you talk about your
familiarity?
Yeah. Okay. Thank you.
You know, I I kinda like I liken
it to riding a bicycle.
Okay. You know,
one once you you don't forget. Mhmm.
And
it's
it's it's coming it's like it's
coming back. And
what I'm grateful of, I and I think
this is something that kinda learned over the
last few years, it's not like it's
flooding back. Yeah. No. No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No.
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No. No. No.
No
yeah. I find myself
looking for opportunities
now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
You and I kinda talked about that the
other day. Mhmm.
For me
so you're looking for opportunities. When you take
those opportunities,
I don't immediately go into flight or frightened
fight or flight anymore or freeze.
You melt. I melt a lot of times.
Here's I do. I melt. Now
sometimes
it is just the and more frequently as
we've gotten further along in this. I mean,
it's only February, y'all.
But
sometimes it's automatic. I'm like, okay. Yeah. More
often than not right now, it's a conscious
thought. I'm like, oh, relax your body. Relax
your body.
Something's coming. Now I don't know what it
is, but relax the body, which you've been
doing more impact,
on me in general, but on my face
to make a point. I, within our power
exchange,
I do not mind if JB smacks me
in the face because it's never done in
anger. It's never done with cruelty.
It's absolutely either the attention getter that he
wants
or,
he's fucking me and he wants to feel
my every muscle clench, if you know what
I mean. Okay?
And
I'm actually more prepared for it in sex
because it's more common even,
you know, even in the toughest years if
we managed to, you know, actually fuck around.
I I could tell when it was coming.
Now I get a little sassy, and next
thing you know Yeah. My cheeks are red.
It it's it's kinda move it it's kinda
moved out
from that that one aspect it was in,
and now it's taking more of
a forefront. Yeah. I mean, I actually got
a little nervous. I we're in the office
here, and your phone is buzzing like crazy.
And it's actually for you. Oh, okay.
He we were sitting here in the office.
I got a little sassy. I'm sure you're
all shocked by that. And he pop, pop,
pop right on my cheek. Oh my god.
I fucking loved it. Like, my eyes crossed.
It was so dead.
But then I did have that thought of,
oh, I hope a kid did not hear
that. And I god. I'm glad a child
did not walk in at that point.
So we are a little bit out of
practice of, like,
being aware of our surroundings, I think.
But, yeah, the melting has been interesting.
So and I have a direct comparison for
some of this, and I think that's what
made me
recognize what I was feeling and what was
happening.
Because
lately,
when
when we,
participate in
in fuckery that is sexual,
there's a lot of tossing around of of
my body, which is not something I'm used
to, but I ain't mad at it.
And for years, I think before the shit
show of of the twenty twenties started out
for us, before all that, I would struggle
with that. It was like my instinct was
to stiffen up because I was like,
who nobody I've never been small and dainty
enough for anybody to be moving me around.
Okay?
So
now
I am just relaxing into it. I in
my mind, for me, that's a form of
submission because it's like you want my body
positioned in a way, and I'm
just letting it happen even on an instinct
like, it's not instinctual to just let it
happen. I do have to kinda have the
thought of relax your body or go with
it. Just roll with it. Just literal. Roll
with it. Right?
But when I do, and then I'm rewarded
with something that usually feels fan fucking tastic,
it's easier the next time. But that's where
I can I can sense how my
what my feelings are and how they're shifting
and how my submission is shifting
because
I don't know how well you noticed it
in the past because it's been years since
in anybody was interested in anything with between
us because the stress just
fucking killed us? And then perimenopause is a
fucking bitch. I hate her.
And it killed any desire for anything before
all of this.
So
I am
you know, I have direct comparisons to make
between
the stiffness, the way I would, like Mhmm.
Resist
Yes. And not resist because I didn't wanna
submit, but resist because there was a nervousness
to it. There there is a difference Mhmm.
To that too. Yeah. Because in the past,
you when you resisted,
it was like a a plant your foot
in the ground and,
you know, you're you're digging in for the
long haul. Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay? And now, there
is none of that. The the only
resistance
is when you get that that flash in
your eye and and you get a little
mischievous,
you know, and sassy the sassy,
Wait. This is something you're you've experienced and
witnessed?
Yeah.
When?
Can you give an example? Because now I'm
curious.
Anytime recently?
Like, during not during sex. No. Surely. Okay.
No. Okay. But just like out in Yeah.
Out in the wild.
Well, out in the wild has been very
interesting. So on our list and we talked
about this in our first episode of the
year,
for our plans for 2025.
On our list is to kinda do some
experimenting
with
purposeful,
like,
for me to be more submissive for JV
to be more dominant
than we are just,
like, naturally, like, to be mindful with it.
Right? And to do that in different situations
and kinda check how that feels. Well, I've
been doing it
on my own,
and what I've figured out is JB's not
used to it. So No.
And
this is again, this is where that sense
of comfort came from as well. Mhmm. So
this past weekend, we're running errands. Comfort came
from as well. Mhmm. So this past weekend,
we're running errands.
Now as we've said many times, we are
very collaborative, but life forced us to be
even more collaborative.
So these are habits
we now have, and we're deciding where
to go and what order to do things
and where to park the car,
like, just these
small things. And Jamie would ask my opinion,
and I would go, whatever you want, daddy.
And I was doing it purposely. I was
like, let me just do the experiment on
my own. Let's see what this let's see
if he clocks it. Let's see what this
feels like. And it felt
really good. Mhmm. But I also
noticed
how often I have an opinion.
Like, we all know I have opinions.
We all know it. Shocking. We all know
it. I'm I make no secret of it.
But even when I'm
trying to just go whatever you want.
Is there that part of you inside is,
like, clawing to get out? You know, it
it depended on the moment over this past
weekend. So when it was something simple that
there was no I there was clearly
no right or wrong.
Whatever you want, daddy. Whatever you want. When
and I think this is just who I
am. I think I will probably never not
be this way as a submissive no matter
what we experiment with or try.
When I thought I had an observation
that could help you make a better decision
Mhmm.
Or to be more certain in the decision
you were gonna make, I I like, without
thinking it just came out of my mouth.
It was
probably not, pleasant.
So
that I got a little bit of my
feelings about that, because I was like, I'm
over here trying to just say whatever you
want, daddy, like, over and over again. Not
mindlessly,
but purposefully.
Right? Because it it feels good to be
a little duckling just following. You know? It
sometimes it feels good.
And I I had these moments where I
was like, oh my gosh. Am I doing
this all wrong? Because
the
the the questions or the opinions just come
out.
I I took some time
to kinda think about it and I realized
that's one, that's anxiety.
If I think you did not catch a
detail, I gotta make sure you catch it.
But two, it's service.
I want you to make the best decision
you can make. Mhmm.
And I'm grateful that you are not the
kind of dominant who requires me to ask
permission before I give you my opinion because
we would be struggling. There would be head
butting because
I'm not that disciplined that I don't think
I could ever
be my fullest self. Like, I could do
it for a small amount of time. Yeah.
And Lola has opinions about it all.
But doing even that little bit without you
knowing what I was doing
felt
it was soothing in a way. It was
a little bit like going back
to
a place you've been before
and knowing it's a little bit different, but
it's also there's a nostalgia to it, but
it's also like
this this is a feeling of rightness. This
is A happy place? Kind of. It was
it's a softer thing than just happy. Mhmm.
It's kind of more a rightness, a knowing,
a sense of belonging. Like, this is this
is right. This is things are in alignment.
Kind of. Kind of. Yeah. Okay.
And even that's it's too cold of a
definition. The comfort for me, there's a warmth
to it. There's a
I keep saying comfort because it's a it's
like
putting on your softest shirt that makes you
feel snugly. It's like getting into bed when
it's a snugly bed and not you're sweating
through your perimenopause, and why is it not
two degrees in the house? That would be
great. You're like you know, it's it's those
feelings of comfort that come to mind for
me. It's a I need somebody who's better
with words to come up with a way
to describe that because all I got's comfort.
And I have been enjoying
that feeling so much. It becomes this self
fulfilling prophecy. I like it so much so
I keep doing things so I can keep
feeling that way. And I'm very,
grateful that
you have
been feeling your own way and wanting to
participate on your end because it would be
a very sad day if I'm over here
trying to be He's one-sided. Right? A swaddled
little duckling, and
he's uninterested.
So I have to ask Uh-oh. Did you
notice what I was doing last weekend on
our errands? How did you feel about them?
At first
I'm guessing you didn't trust it. At first,
I was like,
who is this and what's going on?
That that kinda makes me sad, but also,
yeah, I get it. I get
it. Fair. That's fair.
And and, you know,
a few times in my in my mind,
I you know, before I even
utter any words,
I'm hunkered down in my head ready for,
you know, the
the blast of sass.
I mean, I can
I can be intentional with the sass sometimes?
Yeah. Sometimes. Mhmm.
You know, sometimes it's like okay. The sass?
Sometimes it is because I genuinely just I
think the thing I'm thinking needs to be
said because it's hilarious, and I like to
be funny. It makes me very happy to
be funny,
to be laughed with, not at. Right? Mhmm.
Sometimes,
and I've I've kinda had to contend with
this as we've done this sort of self
exploration as, you know, over the past several
weeks, it's fear based.
I'm afraid you won't have the information to
make the right decision. Mhmm. I'm afraid that
I will have missed something, so you will
have missed something.
I am very used to a distracted JB
over the past few years. Yeah. And you
are just now kind of finding your
footing,
where you are paying attention to more details.
Yeah.
One I can't remember which podcast episode.
Is it either this episode or the one
that comes out Monday? We're time traveling right
now.
You know, if anybody pays attention to those
intros I do on the audio podcast, I
always say something about JB. And the one
I said today that was so fucking true
is that your well of patience is refilling.
Yeah.
And when you are not patient, you miss
details.
Correct. And
we have had
times, and we'll still continue to have them,
where missing details becomes costly Yes. Whether that's
financially or time or something. Right? Right.
And so
partly because I'm a control freak
who has honed that into service submission, but
also I'm a service sub. I want to
make sure you
get it right, whatever it is.
I am primed. I am trained, not because
you trained me, but because life did, to
try to look at about 85 different angles
and make sure you have all the information
you need.
Does it come out in a soft,
sweet, submissive
way? No.
No. Almost never. No.
So the
this is not universally true. There's
shades of gray here.
Pardon the expression.
But when I am the most nervous
is when I probably sound the least submissive.
And I,
I I think it's a trusting, and it's
a strange trusting because you, I trust completely.
Right? I'll let you do things to me,
with me, for me. Like, I trust you.
Mhmm. But
as anybody in a long term relationship will
get to, if this if you're not quite
there yet, I also just like you know
my flaws, I know your flaws. Mhmm. And
I
I think you and I have both been
navigating each other's flaws
over the past several years. My anxiety being
through the fucking roof. Yeah. Your anxiety being
through the roof, but, you know, we
No. We handle that differently. Mhmm. I become
more type a, more focused on details. Yeah.
And you become less.
And so
I think we have been kind of saving
each other from ourselves. Yeah. And I See,
I can't let that go just automatically. I'm
working on it. Yeah. See. I I I
realize now,
you know, the the whole
working with the detail thing, that was a
a combination
of
my anxiety and depression
Oh, sure. Working in tandem. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.
It all makes complete and total sense. Yeah.
So
but,
you know, one one of the other things
that I've I've noticed,
and and I have been very grateful for
this in in a lot of ways.
And, yeah, you know, I understand why you
did what you do and still do to
some extent. When you're in the phone, you
kind of tune out and you're looking at
your phone. Oh, it's my escape. Oh, it's
absolutely my escape. Yeah. Yeah. But you have
been doing that less and less. Mhmm. Yes.
That is also yeah. I've noticed that. You
have been doing that less and less and
have actually been more engaged with me when
we're in the car.
Yes.
And one day,
I will make it so there's some magic
that when your,
phone is talking to you and your hearing
aids Yeah. I still get your attention.
It's that has not been
a a one one for one exchange there.
No. No. Not always. And not because you
do not engage
with me, like, in the car or whatever,
but because
like me, but for different reasons, once something
has your focus,
that's it. Yeah.
We're literally waving green flags to get attention.
For me, it was an escape. For you,
it's just a a a function of, like,
your your brain and your ears working together.
Yeah.
And I am doing less. I am still
escaping from this fucking reality in the year
of our lord 2025,
but I'm doing it through fiction. Thank you
very much.
Another thing I've noticed, and this has been
a comfort
maybe more for you than for me.
I'm imperfect at this,
but I am a little bit less anxious
when you're driving.
Yes. There was a time, and it was
when he was riding a motorcycle full fucking
time because some of the best vehicle car
drivers are people who ride motorcycles and do
it safely.
He was an amazing driver. I was telling
everybody. I was like, this is the first
time I've been in a a car with
another adult driving me around and I'm not
nervous. The only other person who gets that
is my mother because she drives more anxiously
than I do. So I know I'm in
good hands.
And for years, Jamie could drive me anywhere
and everywhere. And I was like Yeah. I
would comment on the craziness of traffic, but
I didn't flinch.
No. You didn't. No. And then he stopped
riding a motorcycle
and and not after the accident. This was
before the accident when he stopped riding a
motorcycle full time,
and it was something he only did occasionally.
His driving got worse, y'all. His driving got
worse. Yeah. Not like he's a bad driver,
but he is not as careful as he
once was. Yeah.
So
add that just shift to growing anxiety because
hormones suck,
and changes of life suck, and then add,
like, existential
dread
from just life happening.
And I've been in, like, a a
there's a term I want is it,
powder keg of anxiety.
Okay? It's gonna explode out.
And I we I we've talked about this
in past episodes. We had to make the
agreement, the tacit silent agreement that what Kayla
needs to do is be on her fucking
phone while JB's driving Yeah. Or somebody's getting
left on the side of the road.
It would probably be me. Wouldn't be wouldn't
be the driver.
Right. So
I still can't can't wait for the day
when you kind of go back to being
the driver that you were. Yeah.
But
your
anxiety
and depression
lessening, I think, has made you less aggressive
Yeah. Have there been times when I've been
like, please don't flip them off. This is
the red part of the country and these
motherfuckers have guns and road rage.
Yes, I have. Yes, I have.
But I am less
scared of life
and just still anxious. That's just who I
am. But I'm I'm less so.
I am being more purposeful
and mindful in my submission.
It's a strange thing to say this because
it's gonna sound worse than I mean it
to.
I am learning
to trust in you
again. You never lost my trust on very
deep meaningful levels. Mhmm.
But you needed my support
more
Yes. In the past few years than you
had before. Yes. And it's not a lack
of faith in you, but it's a not
knowing
whether
what I'm seeing is consistent
Right. Or if you are gonna need me
to serve in that way. And it's and
and it is I I think that then
is is
the part that you're experiencing
and, you know, for me, it's a little
bit like I like I said earlier, you
know, sometimes when you,
you know, don't come back at me with
the sass or or with a little bit
of an argument, you know, that I'm
okay, who you know. So, you know, that
that's kind of what it does. And for
you, you know, and and that makes totally
total sense. Mhmm. It's so strange that you
you can't trust
the softer side of me,
and I don't
I'm trying to trust the calmer side of
you.
And not trust the calmer side. Trust that
the calm is here to stay. Yeah. Trust
that the patience has returned. Mhmm. Trust that
the focus has returned.
Yeah. And and then and then because this
will be part of the topic when we
get when I finally do the perimenopause episode
because this is about aging. Then there's the
shit that changes your fucking brain as you're
aging.
And so we're all getting older and our
memories can be for shit. And so sometimes
you need the the push on the memory
not because of anxiety and depression, not because
of stress, but because
Just because. We're just getting older. Yep. And
it's it's a
I think if it was just an age
alone thing and and an aging thing,
I I would actually probably be less comfortable
with it because I you wouldn't need me
as often.
And now I don't we don't haven't
had enough
time
to get to the point where I'm like,
oh, no. No. No. He only needs me
sometimes to be paying attention to the details.
He's mostly got it. There's just gonna be
some times that, you know, you're tired or
you're whatever. But but, you know, that
goes into,
kinda where I
I wanted to step into this this year,
you know, of of being more mindful.
Mhmm.
Mhmm. And I think, so far,
knock on wood,
I'm I'm doing okay.
Oh, well, I I can feel a difference.
You know, you
in talking about this specific topic,
you're talking about familiarity, and this is, like,
muscle memory coming back to you. It's getting
back on the the bicycle.
Oh, I've noticed.
Okay?
I have noticed.
The the because
the swiftness with which you will sometimes respond
to my sass Mhmm.
That's JB from ten years ago. Let me
tell you. That's a man in his fifties
and, like, right in that middle age prime.
Okay?
And it's
y'all heard that. Right? And it's delightful.
I think
what has happened
in reverse though
is I am very slowly, goddamn very slowly,
slowly, getting back that sexual side to myself.
Mhmm.
And I think it surprises
us
both because one
okay. Look. I took a gummy one night.
It relaxed the fuck out of me.
And I
it it It was a wild night. It
was a great night. It was a great
night.
And I ended up being the whiny baby
girl that I am
telling my my daddy dom that I was
kink horny. I didn't need him to fuck
me anymore, but I needed him to fuck
me up
some more because I wasn't done yet.
And I think that was Kayla from ten
years ago too. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. And, also, do we still have
some of those gummies? Because Yes. We do.
I could use some.
But, you know, so there's there's this even
I have no. I don't. I don't I
have not felt the familiarity.
It's not like a muscle memory to me.
It is the comfort. It is the rightness
of it. It's the safety. Maybe that's part
of the comfort. I feel safe and secure
because
I think
many, not all, submissives can relate to this.
At some point in your power exchange journey,
whether it's when you first get to submit
or when you finally get into a relationship
that's, like, worth fucking working for and having.
There's this moment that many of us can
experience, and God knows I have of, oh,
fucking, finally, I don't have to make all
the decisions. I can I can let somebody
lead? And there are times, I know from
from my perspective, that it's been easier to
allow that.
New relationship energies, even sub frenzy, which could
be dangerous, but, like, those those all those
feel good,
you know,
brain chemicals coursing through you can make that
easier.
That's not
as easy to let go at other times.
Right? And for
for us,
it was
just life. It was just a long term
relationship going through fucking life and the stressors
of life that Mhmm. Everybody goes through.
And and making it a priority for us
to still be a team and be together
and not let it tear us apart,
but it meant that softer sides of us,
and in your case,
more devious sides, had to take the back
seat. Yeah. And so
I don't actually recognize myself in some of
the things that I'm doing
because I think
the reason I don't recognize myself in it,
I'm not having the muscle memory experience that
you are, is because I am being more
purposeful in the early days of our power
exchange. And
until I mean,
probably
up through like maybe the 2016, '20 '17
after time frame before perimenopause
got started,
on her fuckery,
I it was not a thing I had
to think about. I just did. I just
followed. I just,
you know, let you lead. I just like,
whatever whatever.
And now I'm doing it
purposefully, mindfully, intentionally.
And that is a completely different feeling from
from my perspective as dismissive in this situation,
quote natural thing before.
I just did it. You were the first
relationship I'd ever had, romantic relationship, where you
had my complete and total and utter trust.
Mhmm. And I knew I was safe with
you,
and I've always known I'm safe with you.
But what I have had the experience of
as I lost my mind to perimenopause
and then life just life, right,
Was that I was
my trust in you has never wavered. My
trust in our life did. Mhmm.
Because we were riding
a a flow of life where kind of
everything just sort of seemed to work out.
It wasn't always easy, but shit worked out.
And we set a goal and and completed
it and Mhmm. Wasn't this grand. And so
I could I could put all in total
and complete faith in you and truly not
think too hard about any of it. Right.
And then roller coaster of life, we start
on the ebb of fucking life
and the natural trust with the the not
thinking about it Mhmm.
Couldn't work anymore
because you couldn't work that way anymore. And
No. Even before all that hit, when I
hit Mary perimenopause,
and I am convinced that was around the
twenty eighteen ish time period,
I thought I was losing my goddamn mind.
I wasn't the same person. And so I've
been
all this time trying to figure out who
the fuck I am. Still working on it,
by the way.
Because I am in the age old
is that perimenopause?
Is that neurodivergency?
Is that
something else I don't like, what is causing
this?
And so what's happening now
and I love that I get that sense
of safety and comfort, but it's why I
can't recognize
the muscle memory thing that that you do
is because I am trying. I am thinking
about it. I am
when
when we're fucking around in bed, it is
it's not we're we're not fucking like rabbits.
We are we are in our forties and
sixties, and we're tired. Okay? Not everybody's like
that, but we are
fucking tired. So it's not it's not like
it was ten, fifteen years ago. No.
So it's not happening all the time. But
what it means is when we start fucking
around, around, I'm telling myself, loosen your muscles.
Oh, here here he comes. He's flipping you.
Don't fight. Don't fight. And it's this instant
thing of the you know, of thinking about
it so that I can then respond and
all you're getting is the outwards of, shit.
She flopped over like like I wanted her
to.
There was no resistance. And I'm in there
going, okay. Good job. Good job. You didn't
panic. That felt felt good. You can do
this again next time. Okay. Okay. Okay. And
then because I like positive reinforcement,
when we calm calm down and come down
from it all, I'm like, good job. I
like that. You could do that again.
Yeah. Because everybody needs positive reinforcement. Thank you
very much. That's true.
So
that I think that's why I've been
I've been so focused on how it's making
me feel because it's not Yeah.
If there's muscle memory, it's in the feeling
of safety and comfort.
Before,
it was an untested
faith
that did not require
my full participation.
I could turn brain off and follow. Right?
Your sheer force of will and
personality when you would turn on your big
d self
could bring me along.
And now
I've always chosen it, but I'm choosing it
actively. Mhmm. And so I'm just grateful that
what I feel
is that security, that safety, that soft snugly
feeling of how this feels so good and
this feels so right. You know? The, you
took your bra off at the end of
the day feeling. The, you finally got to
lay down flat in your bed and your
com covers
and sheets feel perfect. It's the right temperature
and you stretch out. Like, that feeling
is what I'm getting
when I'm saying things like, whatever you want,
daddy. Right? Like,
that's what I'm saying. Okay.
Now do I think this is all I'm
ever gonna feel? Do I think this is
what I'm gonna feel always? No. Because at
a certain point, we will normalize it. Gonna
shift. Yeah. And there's gonna be other stuff
that comes up. And Right. There will probably
come a day and we're kind of doing
it, but not in a let's talk it
out and hash it out and plan it
kinda way. We'll we'll do new shit. Right?
Yeah. Like
and we I still think we I think
we're both in full agreement on this.
There was a time in the not too
distant past, we were adamant.
We would not we were not getting kinky
if we were not stone cold sober.
And in terms of, like, alcohol, yeah. Yeah.
My body's looser, but my ability to tell
you, that's actually a bad pain, gone.
But give me a fucking edible?
Let's talk about what we wanna do beforehand.
Okay. That's fine. That's fine.
But then I'm gonna get king corny, and
I don't think there's anything wrong.
It is helpful
to be king corny.
I don't
I don't know why I get Does anybody
believe that there was might hear that. Does
anybody believe that there was a time I
was a writer who was so prolific at
bought a fucking house? Because I don't think
so. Because I can't string two fucking words
together. I I don't know a better word
than King Corney.
Like, even that novelty of it will wear
off. But no. Like, we we have changed.
Like, nope. We call it being elevated.
Whether Jamie's smoking or I'm chewing on a
gummy.
Let me get kinky while I'm elevated. That's,
like, that's fucking delightful. And that's a shift
from, you know, not that long ago. But
because
we're just shifting and things are different and
Yeah. And that's always been true and that's
always going to be true. I think the
uniqueness of this moment is that we are
paying fucking attention to it. Well, you
know, I I
and I honestly don't know how true this
is.
Did not really dig into it too much,
but yet,
reading this article kinda made me go,
that kinda makes sense. And they were talking
about how
when you are under a lot of stress,
you have a lot of anxiety,
raises your cortisol
Cortisol, yeah. Levels. Mhmm.
Cortisol
apparently what this article said is
when you are in this cycle of anxiety
and your cortisol
levels
are continually spike,
it
is part of what can lead you to
make bad decisions.
Yeah. Because I haven't met a person yet
who's made real great decisions while they're peak
anxiety. Right. Just nope. Yeah.
So
and and, you know,
you you kind of experienced this the other
day,
because we were
talking about
sending the,
RAV off to its last final resting spot.
Yes. Okay. Yes.
And,
you know, then you were like, well, what
about this? What are we gonna do about
this? And and, you know, what do you
think about that? And I was like, no.
We're gonna take care of this. We're we're
gonna settle this. We're gonna get past this.
Once that is done, then we will have
in place to do that thing and we
will make the decision from there. And I
have to say that's been a delightful return
to
what I got used to. Yeah. Because you
yeah. You were able to think a few
steps ahead. You were able to be patient.
You could be worried about something, but you
it
it didn't necessarily drive every decision.
And yeah.
Choice decisions made based solely on the fear
you're feeling, I mean, they'll get you through
sometimes because sometimes that's all you can fucking
do is just make a decision and go
forth.
But, yeah, it's it becomes easier and less
fraught when you're not
terrified that you're gonna fuck up your whole
life. But I but I I also see
now,
you know, looking back
that,
you know, be
the the way things are happening, things in
my mind were snowballing.
Oh, yeah. They absolutely were. Oh, yeah. I'm
there with you. They they they were just
absolutely snowballing.
And and with that,
that was, you know, pulling me away
from from our DS because I'm, you know
You kinda had to. I Yeah.
And,
you know, I I look back now and
I I see
what that
did, how that took its toll. Mhmm.
And, you know,
for,
you know, a lot of reasons for for
our DS, for for just our lives in
general, I'm I'm I'm trying to
break away from that now. Oh, yeah.
You know? Absolute and and we have the
luxury to be able to do that. Yeah.
I
how do I say this? For anybody out
there who's ever had the thought of, shouldn't
I be able to maintain this intricate power
exchange through the shit show of life? No.
No.
Not necessarily.
Not well. Mm-mm.
We
I mean, some people do
perform
well under stress. Not long term or no?
No. No. No. No. The body can only
handle so much. True. True. True. And some
people will think they're performing well when actually
Yeah. You won't know until you're able to
look back. You'd be like, oh, shit. That
that wasn't great.
But I think that you know, there's no
universals. I know that. But one of the
more common things
that,
you know, anybody in any relationship, regardless of
flavor, is going to experience is that
life is gonna life, and you're gonna have
to make choices about how you navigate that.
And in Power Exchange,
we had an we made the choice together,
but we didn't talk about it. It was
very strange. By mutual
understanding,
we focused on the things that you could
put on,
what's the word I want?
Mhmm.
Like, make it automatic. There's a term I
want. I'm yes. I used to be a
writer, y'all.
Where you don't you're not thinking about it.
So for me, that was service. That was
routine. Service made me feel like I was
doing something in terms of the shitshow that
was our life. So if I could be
helpful,
then I was valuable. That's a thing I
need to take up with a therapist. I
know.
And
my impression
of what I think you were going through
from the outside looking in Mhmm. Was you
were trying
to get us through to the other side.
Like, everything else would be fine if we
could we could do the other shit if
we could just get to the other side
of whatever this was. Yeah. And so, no,
there was there was no mental capacity to
also then,
you know,
be devious
and sadistic and think of creative things. Because
the too too much brain function is being
used for other things. Right. That is true
for
almost all of us at some point and
in some way. I would that is a
thing I would say is gonna happen to
all of us.
For folks who are maybe in the middle
of it and you know you're in the
middle of it and you can't figure out
when you're gonna be on the other side
of it and making different decisions, you know,
anything you can put on,
repeat that you can just
Excuse me. Autopilot.
Thank you, Tayeshu. Autopilot.
You just put on autopilot
and let it kinda run-in the background, and
it doesn't take up as much brainpower,
or emotional
weight.
That you know, that's a way to get
through it. And then the thing I'm we've
said it before, but now we're experiencing it,
is the getting back into it when that
becomes an option. Right? Mhmm. It's it's slow,
and it's not even steady. I think it
does build momentum. So when we first started
talking about it in late December and we
realized we were both on the same page
and wanted the same thing Yeah. You know,
there's been fits
and starts, like, stop. Start.
And then what we'll get is, like, a
really good week where, man, we're on the
same page and every Everything just flows. Every
power exchange or fuckery moment leads to the
next one. Mhmm. And then because this is
the nature of what it means to try
to have power exchange in a real world,
you know, then there'll be something that comes
up that's gotta take your focus. And so
maybe we won't fuck around for a couple
more weeks, but
we will have the
knowledge and the memory
that we can do it. We did do
it. It still feels good. Mhmm. I think
that's that's the thing I would want for
anybody if you are getting and when you
can and if you are getting back to
whatever level of power exchange you've been missing
and and want back,
you know, familiarity is a a good thing
to go. Oh, yeah. I remember this. Right?
Because there's that fear of what if I
can't do this anymore? What if it's not
the same? What whatever your mind conjures up.
I think that muscle memory and familiarity is
important. And then
some people will feel both of these things,
and some will be like us and you
only feel one amongst other things. But I
think that feeling of comfort, of rightness, of
security and safety,
if that's what you feel, I think that's
a sign. Like, you're on
the right path. It doesn't mean your path
won't twist. I mean, the thing you thought
you tried last week, you thought you keep
doing you know, you won't have to shift
again.
It's such a strange thing because I didn't
think I was wired this way.
The only expectation I have in this is
that
we will keep moving forward and figuring this
out. I do not have an end goal
in mind. I do not have a state
of our power exchange and where it's supposed
to be. I don't have plans for other
than some things I wanna try. Right? Sure.
Because it'll be content as well as helpful
to our relationship.
You know, I don't there's no, like,
master plan of we have to do these
steps in this order and try these things
and achieve these
goals I just fucking made up and, you
know, there's none of that. It's just a
I'm for all that I'm not wired this
way at all,
I'm going with the flow.
And the cool thing is the thing that
I'm, like,
mind blown is I'm going with the flow
as the submissive. I'm going with the flow
in
I'm always seeking for ways to serve. Mhmm.
I love my daddy dom, my partner, my
fucking soulmate. Okay?
So I wanna be here that's easy,
but I am at a place and in
a mindset where
I can go with the flow because the
flow is named JB. Right? Like,
he's gonna set the pace for this. He's
gonna,
you know, he's gonna decide when he has
the capacity to be his devious dominant self.
And if I don't have the capacity at
that moment, I know I can say something,
but otherwise Yeah. Right? And because of the
nature of our relationship in general,
one of the things that has never
faltered or changed in all this is that
if I see something that I think we
need to think about this, we need to
talk about this, I'm always gonna go, hey.
I see that you're doing this. And can
we talk? Right? Like, that's always
available. That's always an option. And so therefore,
I can go with the flow. Right. And
I recognize that nothing about me screams a
person who goes with the flow. And in
any other part of life,
nope. I am the flow. Goddamn it.
You just broke your bitch from hell. Right.
But
the yeah. Like, I I can do this
because
I think because there's not supposed to be
an endpoint. Right?
This is this is just figuring out what
today's new normal
is, and it will hopefully be. And then
when that no longer serves us, we'll shift
again. And and then whatever tomorrow's
normal will be.
Yeah. Exactly.
Mhmm.
So, yeah, I'm feeling
a sense of comfort,
and I'm glad your muscle memory is kicking
again. I I knew
we were on the right track when you
when we were talk kinda just talking about
it between us, not for, like, an episode.
We're just talking about how we were feeling.
And you were like, yeah. Sometimes I just
find myself thinking, oh, I could do this.
And I was like, oh, yeah. He's coming
back.
That's the JV I know and remember. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mhmm. And, you know,
that's that's been that you know, part of
that's been nice to kind of rediscover
parts of ourself. Because even before Shitshow of
Life,
there were things that were becoming
mundane. They were becoming routine. It's just kind
of what one of us did.
And
now because there's more conscious thought behind it
Mhmm. And
because we went without it for so long,
we can actually celebrate it and notice it
and go, oh, yeah.
And I think that's been helpful too. Yeah.
Absolutely.
So, yeah, for anybody who is maybe starting
this process or hoping to be able to
get back into your power exchange in whatever
way, in the future,
I want to give you hope that I
don't know what your path will look like.
I don't know how you'll manage it and
what will happen for you, but
yeah.
You know, I think it's it's possible. There's
gotta be the intentionality. It's gotta be the
right people together. Right? There's gonna be a
a mesh there.
But yeah. Mhmm. Highly recommend. Mhmm. 10 out
of 10. There you go. I'm
Mhmm. 10 out of 10. There you go.
So I guess we can do a bonus
section now. Okay. So are we good? That
is not for me to say.
Keep it kinky, y'all. I will see you
next time.
Dottie.
Yes, baby girl. Can I talk to the
crickets, please? Yes. I don't know what I
want to talk about. Do you have anything
you wanna talk about? Well, you just said
I want I know. I misspoke. I should've
said we. Right. Right. I'm I'm So now
it's all on you.
I got nothing.
This is the first
I wanna go back and look at our
family calendar. I think this is the first
week
of the year so far
that we haven't had a whole lot going
on. Right. Yeah. No. No crazy. No,
we're not full of appointments. No. And and
here's the thing that annoys me about that.
Instead of taking advantage of that and going,
man, let me make some to do list.
I'll get a whole bunch of stuff done.
No. I have procrastinated
and just fallen the fuck apart and not
actually, like, known what to prioritize
and have just been lost
and unproductive.
It's very annoying.
That's all I'm saying. It's very annoying.
Oh, Tayshia's got a question. What are the
numbers JB, usually writes down at the end
of the live feed?
So I know exactly where the break is
from the end of the podcast.
The audio file? Yeah. The audio file audio
file. So,
yeah. I know where the where the where
the break is so I know where to
edit and put the music in. Yes. So
as I've been learning how to edit for
JB's bedtime stories,
I've learned some interesting things. And I don't
blame JB for not doing this. On our
shorter episodes, our Monday episodes, he'll go through
and he'll
edit more heavily the episode, take out some
umms and ahs, take out some
uncomfortably long pauses.
But these episodes are so long
No. That No. He does not do that.
I I did that in the beginning.
In the very beginning, when I used to
edit, I used I used to do,
you know, edit with a fine tooth comb.
And then when it got to be the
both of us and
episodes started getting longer
and longer Mhmm. And longer.
I'm like, no. I I can't I can't
I do not have the time to keep
doing that. So yeah. Other than an obvious
thing where we've talked about it, like, when
there's a tech issue on the livestream
and it jumbles the Mhmm. Podcast for some
reason, we'll make note of those time stamps
so he can cut those parts out. Right.
But on these long episodes, he just needs
to know
what,
where did we stop
for the audio intro, which is separate from
the YouTube intro. Mhmm.
And then where did we stop for the
bonus section? Yeah. Yeah. It's it's a a
neat little, like,
you know, inside baseball kind of thing. Mhmm.
But now that I kinda know how I
mean, there are there probably ways I could
do it with the software? Yeah. If if
I sat down and probably, you know, looked
into it to see what I can do,
absolutely. But, I've been doing it now this
way so long. I do. Well and and
also, it's already a little
sketchy to be for
mostly him, but for both of us, kind
of, to be watching
live chat,
camera livestream,
and audio. It's like, let's not add too
too many more functions to this. Too many
levels. Yeah. Like, whatever you can get into
a routine of easily doing
and managing it. That that that's bay basically,
in a nutshell, that's what it is. I'm
I'm marking down certain points in the, audio
recording so I can quickly go back to
it. Mhmm.
Mhmm. And podcast listeners are like, I see
nothing, know nothing, probably don't even hear any
of this. No. Thank y'all for going on
that journey with us.
It's for the podcast, but y'all never get
to actually watch it happen. It's such that's
such a strange thing. Yeah.
So,
I think I'll be seeing the 19 year
old at some point this week.
Mhmm.
His meds
or his prescription medication needs to be picked
up at from our pharmacy because there's something
weird going on with the fucking pharmacy, and
it's a pain in everybody's ass. So I
need to bring him his prescription meds because
he needs them, and we don't want him
to go without.
But he also keeps getting
fucked over in the Adderall shortages that continue
to happen.
But I don't know if I'm going, like,
literally driving to town, throwing his meds out
the window at him and driving back, or
if I'm going and we're running errands together,
I'm waiting. I'm waiting to hear back. Yeah.
Yeah. He's a he's a very busy guy.
And so this
Monday through Thursday, he basically has fourteen hour
days just for school stuff.
So it'll probably be, like, very late tonight
before I even hear from him. And then
he's got a after this week, he's got
a performance
every week,
like, the next three or four weeks.
Yeah. So So
And and Tayu said, yeah. It's like Dan
Rather signing off. Yeah. Pretty much. Or or
Carol Burnett when she used to cover you.
It's why we do leave in the keep
it kinky part. Like, we could we could
create we could not do a transition or
we could record that and have you just
add it in to the podcast. Mhmm.
And we did that in the podcast. And
we did for the stream as well, but
time stamps make it a little easier for
people watching video
to make it clear to to to listeners
that, okay.
The
sure, air quote, educational,
informative part of the episode is over. We're
gonna go into the bullshit part now. If
you need to skip out, cool cool. Right?
Like and and that's just a thing we
never we've never changed either. True. The,
intro that I read for the
audio podcast, there have been some tweaks to
it. Like, when we wanna shift what social
media we're promoting or, like I'm not mentioning
Twitter anymore because I kept our name there.
I didn't want anybody else getting it, but
we Yeah. We we are not active on
Twitter. Oh, god. No.
I deleted my accounts. Yeah. I kept our
brand accounts just for the name, not for
the for anything else. Mhmm.
So we've made shifts, but, like, the
first two or three sentences, maybe, I'd have
to go look, of the podcast audio intro.
I that is from 2015
when I was googling how do you start
a podcast.
If anybody wants to know how to start
a podcast, that's what the fuck you do.
You Google how to start a podcast. There
will be information. And I was working off
of 2015
information,
and they would say, okay. You're gonna need
to write an intro and you and this
was best practices at the time. You know,
you want it to kinda be the same
and so people kinda, like, get the memory
of, oh, I know who I'm listening to,
whatever whatever. And so then I did not
trust myself to know what the fuck to
say in an intro like that,
that I wanted to be consistent.
So then I googled, how do you write
a podcast intro?
And I read, like, four or five.
And I went,
okay. You say things like this, you say
and I have never
changed that part.
So
yeah.
Yeah.
So there there you go. There's a little
bit of the Yeah. How the sausage is
made. The behind the scenes
Mhmm. Mhmm. Archives. Yeah. I do every time
I read the intro, when I see the
stuff that is literally from ten years ago,
I'm like, should I update that?
I don't know. I don't know what I
should do. And then I forget about it
until the next week when I forget.
Oh god. Yeah. It's
it's
it's so strange.
What else?
What else? Well,
I I had posted,
some pictures
a little bit ago on, our Discord,
of something that I purchased. Mhmm.
Mhmm.
I have,
gotten myself another
motorish cycle.
Yeah. Not quite the two wheeled car. No.
It's not it's not the two wheel type.
It's a it's a three wheel. Mhmm.
And,
it's a 2011
Can Am.
Yep. I mean, it it's it's got some
parts where you're like, oh, yeah. That's older.
But it when you're standing back, it's it
looks sharp. It looks really sharp. Mhmm.
I will not be getting on it until
you are comfortable and you are confident again.
Mhmm.
Things we he and I have not talked
about too in-depth, and I we've probably only
slightly mentioned it even
in Patreon,
but a thing that is a very real
thing that neither one of us was prepared
for. The last time he was on a
motorcycle was when he was hit by a
literal fucking car. Yeah. Right?
So there was not an
a moment from
that point to buying the Can Am where
he had to get back on a motorcycle
and deal with the anxiety. No. And I
didn't have to deal with the anxiety. So
when did we deal with the anxiety? The
Dave bought the bike. Driving it home.
Yeah.
I'm doing Yeah. The the person I bought
it from was very generous.
The the bike was registered and everything.
He followed me home.
Mhmm.
Got the bike home and then he took
the plate and and, you know, went his
way.
That ride was very
tense for me. For me too. Different reasons
for me too.
Yeah. Having not been on a bike,
you know, for a number of years and
then
kind of just be, okay. There you go.
You gotta, you know You haven't done this
since you got hit by a car. Go
for it and do it. So,
yeah. It it it was a it was
a little stressful to say the least.
And I've, you know, since then I've been
going out. I have not been
doing a lot of riding, but,
right now I'm keeping it, to the neighborhood
and side streets and just getting comfortable with
it. It is very different,
having two wheels in the front and and
steering.
So after the accident
I think after the first real bad back
problem you had after the accident, which is
I still don't understand how you went through
that accident and did not fuck up your
back. Right. I know. Still the miracle.
But the first time your back just fucked
you over post accident,
you were
con on the way to convincing yourself you'd
never ride again. And Not. And you and
part of what started the shit show of
our lives, but also it was happening in
the middle was this accident, which came,
on the heels of
the youngest accident. No. Before. Before. Like, all
this was kinda hap but other things are
happening, and it was life was crazy. And
the promise I made to him was I
did not care
how we had to do it or when
we would do it, but he would get
a bike again. Well, then his back went
out real bad. Yeah.
And he was on the road to convincing
himself he'd never get on a bike again.
And I went, wait.
Yeah. Yeah. Two wheels, maybe not. That's a
lot of balance. That's a lot of but
why not three? And so you've probably spent
the past two years more
just researching
what your options were. I've always loved that
about you. When when you are at, like,
your peak in your prime, and I don't
mean age wise. I mean, like, mentally
Mhmm. I don't have to research a thing
that you wanna do. I just wait for
you to come tell me which one is
the best. And I fucking love that we're
getting back to that too. Okay? That takes
a lot of time off of me.
So
yeah.
Yeah.
And,
yeah. Just got a new helmet.
Mhmm.
Kayla has a new helmet on the wing.
I know it has butterflies on it. I
could we one thing we did take away
from the accident
is, helmets that don't just cover the top
of our skull,
they cover more of our face and our
head and our ears.
And I could not find a good one
that
was one I was willing to wear that
was had enough coverage that also had purple
in it. Well, that was a price I
was willing willing to pay. If I if
we were gonna pay 500 fucking dollars, I'm
not.
But I did find one that had butterflies.
Damn. I know.
Very excited.
So
Anyhoo.
Yeah. I think that's that's a big enough
thing. Lola is snoring like she just got
off an overnight double shift. Yep.
She's oh, she's out. Her eyes are actually
closed while she's sleeping. Mhmm. I'm very proud
of her for that. I
know. Right? But are her ears down?
Not the one. The one is a little
Yeah. A little up. Mhmm.
Yeah. If she's if she's sleeping but that
ear is up, she's still in listening mode.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. It would not take much
to get her attention. No. No. It would
not.
Anyhoo. Anyway It's been great hanging with you
folks today. It has. But it is. It
is Florida is Florida ing and it's like
80 some odd degrees. 86 degrees today. Some
fucking bullshit.
But, yeah, some of y'all are getting snow,
and so I'll keep my 80 some odd
degrees in sunshine
because I don't want snow. According to the,
weather report I saw yesterday,
by this weekend, temperatures will plummet. Yep. And
That was how they put it. Temperatures will
plummet. Plumb it is so relative.
I was so excited when I saw it
because it means we're gonna go back down
into our highs being in the sixties,
and this sweaty lady just fucking loves that
shit.
Oh my god.
Yeah. Thank god I'm not, like,
looking for,
another
partner because I would not know how to
to sell that. Like, look,
I'm gonna have boob sweat.
I'm gonna be cranky. I will forget things
the moment you tell me. Then I'm a
total catch because
I'm good at sucking dick. I don't like,
I just don't think that's the
I just don't think that's the selling point.
Yeah.
You never know.
Anyway Anyhoo.
I'm sure everybody was, like,
really wanting to know all that. You know?
Right. Mhmm. Mhmm. If I can't overshare here
on the Internet, where can I?
Okay. We're gonna go. Thanks for being with
us. Thanks especially to the bitter fucking end.
And we will be with you all next
week. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Bye.