1 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:12,880 You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla 2 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:14,644 Lords here with the one, the only, 3 00:00:15,585 --> 00:00:18,565 the even when you're being a little grumpy, 4 00:00:18,625 --> 00:00:20,644 you're still sometimes a little silly, 5 00:00:21,425 --> 00:00:21,925 daddy. 6 00:00:22,625 --> 00:00:25,685 The breadstone. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. Hi. Hi. 7 00:00:27,505 --> 00:00:28,005 Hi. 8 00:00:28,385 --> 00:00:30,269 Yeah. That's I I got nothing more to 9 00:00:30,269 --> 00:00:31,869 add to that. Just then just It's just 10 00:00:31,869 --> 00:00:33,329 a thing we've been through 11 00:00:34,989 --> 00:00:36,369 on this day of recording. 12 00:00:37,149 --> 00:00:38,989 So I I think there's been a lot 13 00:00:38,989 --> 00:00:41,295 of that this week just in general. Probably 14 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,214 so. Probably so. That's okay. We've got every 15 00:00:43,375 --> 00:00:44,574 That's not why we're here. That's not why 16 00:00:44,574 --> 00:00:45,234 we're here. 17 00:00:46,494 --> 00:00:49,314 No. No. And for all our giggles, 18 00:00:50,734 --> 00:00:53,854 we're we are dealing with a heavy question 19 00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,774 this week. Seriously. So we are gonna take 20 00:00:55,774 --> 00:00:56,515 that seriously. 21 00:00:56,950 --> 00:00:58,469 This week, we're answering a question from a 22 00:00:58,469 --> 00:01:01,030 submissive who experienced trauma in a previous power 23 00:01:01,030 --> 00:01:01,850 exchange relationship 24 00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:04,310 and wants to feel confident in their new 25 00:01:04,310 --> 00:01:06,650 relationship. This is a content warning 26 00:01:07,269 --> 00:01:10,329 for mentions, but no details of an abusive 27 00:01:10,525 --> 00:01:11,344 DS relationship, 28 00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:14,465 including mentions but no details 29 00:01:14,765 --> 00:01:15,584 of sexual 30 00:01:16,125 --> 00:01:19,244 assault and abuse. So if that is not 31 00:01:19,244 --> 00:01:21,564 something you need to be thinking about right 32 00:01:21,564 --> 00:01:23,500 now, feel free to skip this one. We 33 00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,020 are we are never mad at you for 34 00:01:25,020 --> 00:01:26,700 that. You do what you have to do 35 00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:28,159 to take care of yourself. 36 00:01:29,260 --> 00:01:30,859 Welcome to the leave loving what is our 37 00:01:30,859 --> 00:01:32,000 name? I don't know. 38 00:01:32,379 --> 00:01:34,400 Welcome to the loving BDSM podcast. 39 00:01:34,939 --> 00:01:36,299 You should see the look I'm giving her, 40 00:01:36,299 --> 00:01:37,599 folks. It's, precious. 41 00:01:38,465 --> 00:01:40,064 If you're new here, we help kinksters like 42 00:01:40,064 --> 00:01:42,084 you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. 43 00:01:42,465 --> 00:01:44,145 The podcast is your favorite podcast app so 44 00:01:44,145 --> 00:01:45,745 you never miss an episode. And if you 45 00:01:45,745 --> 00:01:47,265 have a question that you'd like us to 46 00:01:47,265 --> 00:01:49,025 answer for you and get our take on 47 00:01:49,025 --> 00:01:49,685 the situation, 48 00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:52,405 you can use our link, 49 00:01:53,349 --> 00:01:55,349 literally called ask your questions, in the show 50 00:01:55,349 --> 00:01:58,870 notes or available at our website, lovingBDSM.net. 51 00:01:58,870 --> 00:02:01,290 That's lovingBDSM.net. 52 00:02:01,510 --> 00:02:03,609 Okay. So let's get into the question. K. 53 00:02:03,829 --> 00:02:05,189 I've been with my daddy dom for a 54 00:02:05,189 --> 00:02:07,234 little over a month now. As of September 55 00:02:07,234 --> 00:02:09,074 2024, I've come out of a toxic and 56 00:02:09,074 --> 00:02:11,395 abusive DS dynamic that's left me struggling with 57 00:02:11,395 --> 00:02:13,395 my sense of self worth, especially when it 58 00:02:13,395 --> 00:02:15,314 comes to my sexuality and worth within the 59 00:02:15,314 --> 00:02:15,814 dynamic. 60 00:02:16,435 --> 00:02:19,634 My partner now is absolutely wonderful, kind, loving, 61 00:02:19,634 --> 00:02:23,050 compassionate, understanding, empathetic, and funny. I love everything 62 00:02:23,050 --> 00:02:24,729 about him, especially when he goes off on 63 00:02:24,729 --> 00:02:27,289 tangents about folk music. My ex Dom made 64 00:02:27,289 --> 00:02:28,889 it all about sex and made it hard 65 00:02:28,889 --> 00:02:31,289 for me to voice relational concerns because they'd 66 00:02:31,289 --> 00:02:33,209 be dismissed or he'd ghost for three weeks 67 00:02:33,209 --> 00:02:35,530 or more. I can't do much sexually due 68 00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,449 to the trauma from sexual abuse from my 69 00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:40,465 ex Dom complicated by reproductive problems that cause 70 00:02:40,465 --> 00:02:42,385 a lot of pain and giving oral being 71 00:02:42,385 --> 00:02:43,685 completely off limits. 72 00:02:43,985 --> 00:02:46,485 I'm also in chemical menopause and on HRT, 73 00:02:46,544 --> 00:02:48,625 but HRT has done nothing for my desire 74 00:02:48,625 --> 00:02:50,159 for sexual play at all. 75 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,719 I'm also very new to sexual activity in 76 00:02:52,719 --> 00:02:54,960 general. My ex dom was my only sexual 77 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,620 partner and I don't do sexual play casually. 78 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,400 My issues come down to not feeling like 79 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,480 a good enough submissive or partner because I'm 80 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:04,080 not able to have fun with sex with 81 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,235 my partner in any way. We are an 82 00:03:06,235 --> 00:03:08,314 incredible match personality wise and we have a 83 00:03:08,314 --> 00:03:10,235 lot of fun together and love to cuddle 84 00:03:10,235 --> 00:03:12,495 together especially when falling asleep. 85 00:03:12,955 --> 00:03:14,875 I hear my ex Dom's words about the 86 00:03:14,875 --> 00:03:16,715 only thing important to him in our dynamic 87 00:03:16,715 --> 00:03:18,314 was sex and his mind turning back to 88 00:03:18,314 --> 00:03:20,900 sex during every argument and how it diminished 89 00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:23,060 through the abuse, how I'm not open minded 90 00:03:23,060 --> 00:03:25,780 enough. I'm also taking legal action against my 91 00:03:25,780 --> 00:03:28,099 ex dom for the abuse. I've gone to 92 00:03:28,099 --> 00:03:29,939 lots of munches and play events and have 93 00:03:29,939 --> 00:03:32,224 a wonderful dynamic with my partner. And I 94 00:03:32,224 --> 00:03:33,584 have none of the same issues that I 95 00:03:33,584 --> 00:03:35,525 had in the dynamic with my ex dom. 96 00:03:35,584 --> 00:03:37,185 I couldn't be happier to be in the 97 00:03:37,185 --> 00:03:39,365 relationship and the community I'm in now. 98 00:03:39,824 --> 00:03:41,584 How do I stop feeling ashamed of my 99 00:03:41,584 --> 00:03:43,504 lack of desire for sex and enjoy what 100 00:03:43,504 --> 00:03:45,824 we have? How do I feel more confident 101 00:03:45,824 --> 00:03:46,564 in the dynamic? 102 00:03:49,110 --> 00:03:50,550 It's a heavy one. Yes. It is. It's 103 00:03:50,550 --> 00:03:52,550 an important thing. There's no way this person 104 00:03:52,550 --> 00:03:54,229 is, you know, the first, the last, or 105 00:03:54,229 --> 00:03:55,909 the only to ever go through something like 106 00:03:55,909 --> 00:03:57,110 this. True. True. True. 107 00:03:57,830 --> 00:04:00,069 We I did not spring this question on 108 00:04:00,069 --> 00:04:02,194 JB. We this is what we talked about 109 00:04:02,194 --> 00:04:03,094 before recording. 110 00:04:03,474 --> 00:04:05,574 The one thing that's first and foremost, 111 00:04:05,955 --> 00:04:08,435 because we are just two weirdos on the 112 00:04:08,435 --> 00:04:11,254 Internet, we are not qualified for actual, 113 00:04:12,115 --> 00:04:14,060 you know, the actual kind of help that 114 00:04:14,060 --> 00:04:15,979 will probably help you process through some of 115 00:04:15,979 --> 00:04:18,060 this. Alright. And that is if you have 116 00:04:18,060 --> 00:04:19,120 not done so already, 117 00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:21,180 please please please see if you can find 118 00:04:21,180 --> 00:04:24,879 a kink aware, kink friendly Yeah. Therapist. Yes. 119 00:04:25,819 --> 00:04:26,480 You know, 120 00:04:27,224 --> 00:04:30,024 extra ideal if they are familiar with and 121 00:04:30,024 --> 00:04:32,204 can help you with any sexual function 122 00:04:32,664 --> 00:04:33,164 situations, 123 00:04:33,944 --> 00:04:35,004 mental health wise. 124 00:04:35,464 --> 00:04:37,944 We are absolutely linking to the site where 125 00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:40,044 you can go to find somebody. Mhmm. 126 00:04:40,985 --> 00:04:42,824 You know, depending on where you live and 127 00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:44,639 the rules about all that and licensing and 128 00:04:44,639 --> 00:04:46,240 all that stuff good stuff, it could be 129 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,560 limited. It might not. Telehealth might be an 130 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:49,060 option. 131 00:04:50,879 --> 00:04:52,819 Therapy in and of itself is, 132 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:56,560 you know, is something that would probably help 133 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,095 in general, but specific to kinks, specific to 134 00:04:59,095 --> 00:04:59,595 dynamics, 135 00:05:00,055 --> 00:05:01,435 specific to how it's, like, 136 00:05:01,814 --> 00:05:04,214 making you feel and how you're reacting with 137 00:05:04,214 --> 00:05:06,474 your own, you know, sexual 138 00:05:08,134 --> 00:05:10,154 play and fun and ability, 139 00:05:11,014 --> 00:05:11,254 I've 140 00:05:11,974 --> 00:05:13,949 if you can find them, I I would 141 00:05:13,949 --> 00:05:16,689 really highly recommend somebody who is actually qualified 142 00:05:16,829 --> 00:05:17,490 in those 143 00:05:17,949 --> 00:05:21,009 areas. Absolutely. Especially with somebody who understands kink. 144 00:05:21,310 --> 00:05:22,850 Now on a 145 00:05:24,750 --> 00:05:27,069 once that's settled as you're doing that, what 146 00:05:27,069 --> 00:05:28,449 are some things we think 147 00:05:28,785 --> 00:05:30,725 you can try or that may help? 148 00:05:31,025 --> 00:05:33,105 We will give it a go. Mhmm. What 149 00:05:33,105 --> 00:05:34,404 are some of your thoughts? 150 00:05:34,865 --> 00:05:36,245 Well, I I know 151 00:05:37,025 --> 00:05:38,965 I I have kind of gone through this 152 00:05:39,025 --> 00:05:42,620 in in the past, especially the more recent 153 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:43,420 past. 154 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:44,460 Mhmm. 155 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:46,759 Do you mean this by like lack of 156 00:05:46,759 --> 00:05:47,259 confidence? 157 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,120 Well Or the not being able to be 158 00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:51,420 as sexual as you want. 159 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,439 Okay. I've, you know, in the past I've 160 00:05:54,439 --> 00:05:55,660 kind of run into 161 00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,714 some of these things too, and, you even 162 00:05:58,714 --> 00:05:59,935 pointed it out to me 163 00:06:00,314 --> 00:06:01,055 in the past. 164 00:06:01,514 --> 00:06:03,514 In as far as going to say, you 165 00:06:03,514 --> 00:06:05,995 know, you are looking at the things you 166 00:06:05,995 --> 00:06:08,415 don't have Mhmm. Mhmm. And not 167 00:06:10,009 --> 00:06:12,330 enjoying the things you do have. Right. And 168 00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,569 I and I think for many people that's 169 00:06:14,569 --> 00:06:15,230 a common 170 00:06:15,770 --> 00:06:18,410 Mhmm. Problem. Mhmm. Okay? Because it it's so 171 00:06:18,410 --> 00:06:18,910 easy 172 00:06:19,210 --> 00:06:21,629 to fixate on the bad. And I know 173 00:06:21,770 --> 00:06:22,270 even 174 00:06:22,845 --> 00:06:25,425 people will be more likely to say something 175 00:06:25,485 --> 00:06:28,044 negative Mhmm. Than positive. Absolutely. And and I 176 00:06:28,044 --> 00:06:29,024 think this kind 177 00:06:29,805 --> 00:06:31,324 of falls a little bit into the same 178 00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:32,685 thing. It it it's hard to see the 179 00:06:32,685 --> 00:06:34,524 forest from the trees. Right. Because we as 180 00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:37,039 individuals will will think about what we think 181 00:06:37,039 --> 00:06:38,879 we're lacking, what we think we're not doing, 182 00:06:38,879 --> 00:06:40,399 what we're Mhmm. Air quotes supposed to be 183 00:06:40,399 --> 00:06:42,800 doing. Yeah. Right. And and it sounds like 184 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:43,620 you have, 185 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:45,379 you know, a really 186 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,819 good relationship here starting. Mhmm. 187 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:49,620 And, 188 00:06:51,574 --> 00:06:53,175 you know, is is it easy to break 189 00:06:53,175 --> 00:06:53,915 that mindset? 190 00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:55,995 No. No. It's not. 191 00:06:56,854 --> 00:06:59,574 You know, like like we both agreed on 192 00:06:59,574 --> 00:07:02,074 upfront, you know, I think some some therapy 193 00:07:02,294 --> 00:07:04,535 would would be amazing, would be very helpful 194 00:07:04,535 --> 00:07:06,800 to this. But I I I think, you 195 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,339 know, you can do some things 196 00:07:08,879 --> 00:07:10,259 in in the meantime 197 00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:11,699 that might help. 198 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:13,699 Maybe develop, 199 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,240 for lack of a better word, maybe a 200 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:16,740 mantra. 201 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:18,704 You know, 202 00:07:19,904 --> 00:07:22,384 that you can reinforce to yourself 203 00:07:22,784 --> 00:07:25,504 Mhmm. You know, that, hey, there is good 204 00:07:25,504 --> 00:07:27,524 here. Right. Yeah. You kind of have to, 205 00:07:27,745 --> 00:07:29,344 to the best of your ability, rewrite the 206 00:07:29,344 --> 00:07:31,504 script in your brain. Exactly. Sort of override 207 00:07:31,504 --> 00:07:32,970 it as much as you can. And and 208 00:07:32,970 --> 00:07:34,670 and the only way you can really 209 00:07:35,129 --> 00:07:38,029 do that is kind of by by repetition. 210 00:07:38,330 --> 00:07:38,830 Mhmm. 211 00:07:39,370 --> 00:07:41,069 Okay. Mhmm. So, you know, 212 00:07:41,770 --> 00:07:43,370 they they say, you know, I'm not good, 213 00:07:43,370 --> 00:07:45,704 but they they can be helpful. So I 214 00:07:45,704 --> 00:07:47,564 I think that's something that you could, 215 00:07:47,944 --> 00:07:49,165 you know, want to 216 00:07:49,704 --> 00:07:52,345 Mhmm. Try. And I think if you choose 217 00:07:52,345 --> 00:07:53,564 to go that way, 218 00:07:54,584 --> 00:07:56,125 you know, it's it's 219 00:07:56,459 --> 00:07:59,660 whatever you choose to say to yourself, to 220 00:07:59,660 --> 00:08:00,639 think to yourself 221 00:08:01,259 --> 00:08:01,759 consistently, 222 00:08:03,980 --> 00:08:04,639 you know, 223 00:08:05,980 --> 00:08:08,060 try to think of it's a little bit 224 00:08:08,060 --> 00:08:10,035 of that manifestation thing, trying to think of 225 00:08:10,194 --> 00:08:11,555 what you want to have and who you 226 00:08:11,555 --> 00:08:12,615 want to be, 227 00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:14,774 while also 228 00:08:15,154 --> 00:08:17,634 you've already clearly outlined it here, what is 229 00:08:17,634 --> 00:08:19,555 good about the relationship that you're in, and 230 00:08:19,555 --> 00:08:22,435 that that that you are enough as you 231 00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:25,290 are right now. Correct. Regardless of what has 232 00:08:25,370 --> 00:08:27,529 happened to you and the process you have 233 00:08:27,529 --> 00:08:29,930 to go through to work through some of 234 00:08:29,930 --> 00:08:31,930 that and and find your way through it. 235 00:08:31,930 --> 00:08:32,750 There's no 236 00:08:33,210 --> 00:08:35,290 out. There's no over under. There is just 237 00:08:35,290 --> 00:08:37,690 through. Yeah. Who you are right now is 238 00:08:37,690 --> 00:08:38,750 good enough, and clearly who you are is 239 00:08:38,750 --> 00:08:38,910 good enough for your existing partner. You walked 240 00:08:38,910 --> 00:08:39,470 into this relationship with 241 00:08:40,570 --> 00:08:41,070 this 242 00:08:41,424 --> 00:08:41,924 partner. 243 00:08:42,545 --> 00:08:44,165 You walked into this relationship 244 00:08:44,545 --> 00:08:46,945 with this past and with these traumas and 245 00:08:46,945 --> 00:08:50,325 with these health issues. Right? And you are 246 00:08:50,625 --> 00:08:53,184 loving your time with this partner. You are 247 00:08:53,184 --> 00:08:55,825 finding joy and good in the relationship that 248 00:08:55,825 --> 00:08:56,725 you're in, 249 00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:58,340 And 250 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,460 clearly you're not disappointing them 251 00:09:01,919 --> 00:09:04,399 because they knew who you were and they 252 00:09:04,399 --> 00:09:06,240 have figured out who you are in in 253 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:07,139 this time. 254 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:08,500 So, 255 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:09,975 or they are figuring 256 00:09:11,654 --> 00:09:12,954 relatively new relationship, 257 00:09:13,334 --> 00:09:14,875 and they're happy with you, 258 00:09:15,495 --> 00:09:17,514 and happy with the relationship you have 259 00:09:18,054 --> 00:09:21,414 based from description. So Right. That you are 260 00:09:21,414 --> 00:09:23,720 enough, and what you are able to offer 261 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:25,159 and do and and who you are able 262 00:09:25,159 --> 00:09:26,940 to be in this moment is enough. 263 00:09:28,279 --> 00:09:28,600 I 264 00:09:29,959 --> 00:09:31,820 the other thing I I would recommend 265 00:09:32,839 --> 00:09:35,424 is to think about what submission means to 266 00:09:35,424 --> 00:09:37,745 you. Are there other parts of your submission 267 00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:40,304 that are non sexual? And if they have 268 00:09:40,304 --> 00:09:42,965 never been before, is that something that you 269 00:09:43,184 --> 00:09:44,004 can explore? 270 00:09:45,345 --> 00:09:46,404 You know, if 271 00:09:47,649 --> 00:09:50,070 if your only view and experience with submission 272 00:09:50,129 --> 00:09:53,089 is sexual and and sex is just off 273 00:09:53,089 --> 00:09:54,850 the table and not the right thing for 274 00:09:54,850 --> 00:09:56,769 you right now, sure, you might feel lacking 275 00:09:56,769 --> 00:09:59,490 as a submissive, but are you a service 276 00:09:59,490 --> 00:10:01,455 sub? Are you somebody who just kinda wants 277 00:10:01,455 --> 00:10:02,654 to be told what to do? Are you 278 00:10:02,654 --> 00:10:05,394 somebody who feels like they would thrive with 279 00:10:05,455 --> 00:10:06,274 well negotiated 280 00:10:07,455 --> 00:10:07,955 rules? 281 00:10:09,695 --> 00:10:10,355 You know, 282 00:10:10,815 --> 00:10:12,575 may if you haven't already or if you've 283 00:10:12,575 --> 00:10:13,774 had to put it on hold from this 284 00:10:13,774 --> 00:10:16,539 previous relationship, start exploring what submission 285 00:10:17,079 --> 00:10:17,899 means to you. 286 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:21,399 Submissive Guide, the website, submissiveguide.com, 287 00:10:21,399 --> 00:10:23,639 linked in the places, is a great place 288 00:10:23,639 --> 00:10:24,620 to go for that. 289 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,579 Luna, who runs that site, also has books 290 00:10:27,639 --> 00:10:29,804 that that she's written that you can get 291 00:10:29,804 --> 00:10:31,745 electronically or physical copies. 292 00:10:32,524 --> 00:10:35,965 The new bottoming book, is not specifically about 293 00:10:35,965 --> 00:10:38,445 submission, but there's there's a lot there that 294 00:10:38,445 --> 00:10:40,465 talks about bottoming and submitting, 295 00:10:41,004 --> 00:10:43,105 not just within a sexual 296 00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:44,919 play kind of thing. 297 00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,700 And then we have the thirty days of 298 00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:49,160 DS from Loving BDSM, 299 00:10:49,860 --> 00:10:52,840 which you had questions that you can answer 300 00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:56,039 and, you know, then you get an understanding 301 00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,120 of who you are more from those too. 302 00:10:58,179 --> 00:11:00,235 Right. And those are three days of DS 303 00:11:00,235 --> 00:11:02,014 is designed to be either conversation 304 00:11:02,315 --> 00:11:04,954 starters or journal prompts, however you want to 305 00:11:04,954 --> 00:11:06,235 go through it. And it's a little bit 306 00:11:06,235 --> 00:11:08,154 each day to sort of think about what 307 00:11:08,154 --> 00:11:10,794 power exchange means to you and what you 308 00:11:10,794 --> 00:11:12,334 want it to be for you. 309 00:11:13,889 --> 00:11:16,690 So that would be my you know, it's 310 00:11:16,690 --> 00:11:18,370 e like you said, it's very easy to 311 00:11:18,370 --> 00:11:19,809 focus on what you don't have, what you 312 00:11:19,809 --> 00:11:23,330 can't do, what's not happening, and it's very 313 00:11:23,330 --> 00:11:25,490 easy to lose sight of what you can 314 00:11:25,490 --> 00:11:27,585 do, what you do have, what is good 315 00:11:27,825 --> 00:11:29,445 right right with you right now. 316 00:11:31,425 --> 00:11:33,605 The other thing, and it's the most boring 317 00:11:33,904 --> 00:11:36,644 answer, it's the one that is just frustrating 318 00:11:36,865 --> 00:11:39,985 as all hell, and that's time. Yeah. This 319 00:11:39,985 --> 00:11:42,004 is all very new. The 320 00:11:42,309 --> 00:11:43,450 getting out of the relationship, 321 00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:46,629 new. That is we are recording in early 322 00:11:46,629 --> 00:11:49,990 February twenty twenty five. Barely barely six months. 323 00:11:49,990 --> 00:11:51,990 Right. And what was it? How long have 324 00:11:51,990 --> 00:11:53,210 you been in this relationship? 325 00:11:53,910 --> 00:11:55,815 A little over a month. That means there's 326 00:11:55,815 --> 00:11:59,014 also some new relationship energy. There's just getting 327 00:11:59,014 --> 00:12:01,335 to know each other. There's just maybe, hopefully, 328 00:12:01,335 --> 00:12:02,795 starting to develop 329 00:12:03,575 --> 00:12:05,894 a a strong and deep trust between one 330 00:12:05,894 --> 00:12:09,179 another, and it's way early days. The things 331 00:12:09,179 --> 00:12:12,220 you think you know about yourself, your partner, 332 00:12:12,220 --> 00:12:13,440 your dynamic today 333 00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:16,620 could fundamentally shift in six months, a year, 334 00:12:16,620 --> 00:12:17,840 longer. Right? So, 335 00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:19,600 you know, it is 336 00:12:20,460 --> 00:12:22,934 all of this is still fresh for you. 337 00:12:23,414 --> 00:12:26,215 And the there's no cure. I don't wanna 338 00:12:26,215 --> 00:12:27,975 I don't wanna be blase about it and 339 00:12:27,975 --> 00:12:29,195 be like, oh, well, 340 00:12:29,654 --> 00:12:32,075 it is a time thing. You have to 341 00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:35,174 have enough time to go through the legal 342 00:12:35,174 --> 00:12:37,120 process that you're dealing with, to maybe find 343 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:39,840 a therapist who is aware and and understanding 344 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,639 of dynamics in power exchange to be able 345 00:12:42,639 --> 00:12:44,080 to help you kind of walk through this 346 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,840 and work through some of this. You have 347 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:47,440 to deal with your own health. And quite 348 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:51,065 frankly, chemical menopause and HRT and low arousal 349 00:12:51,205 --> 00:12:52,264 sexual desire, 350 00:12:52,884 --> 00:12:53,945 yes. But also, 351 00:12:54,884 --> 00:12:56,965 I from a if I had been through 352 00:12:56,965 --> 00:12:59,304 some of what you have just minimally described, 353 00:12:59,365 --> 00:13:01,845 I sure as shit wouldn't have any sexual 354 00:13:01,845 --> 00:13:05,340 desire either. Yeah. Of course you don't. Regardless 355 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,879 of the medical and health and Right. Physical 356 00:13:07,879 --> 00:13:09,740 reasons, of course, you don't. 357 00:13:10,279 --> 00:13:10,600 It's 358 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,080 you know, if you had I will say 359 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:15,559 this. If you had asked this question and 360 00:13:15,559 --> 00:13:18,225 said I'm thinking about getting into a relationship, 361 00:13:18,225 --> 00:13:19,904 my answer would have been, maybe put that 362 00:13:19,904 --> 00:13:22,065 on pause. Yeah. Go slow. But you're here 363 00:13:22,065 --> 00:13:22,565 now. 364 00:13:22,945 --> 00:13:25,125 You are happy. Your partner 365 00:13:25,504 --> 00:13:28,304 seems seems to be wonderful. So now They 366 00:13:28,304 --> 00:13:30,225 they seem to be very supportive. Right. And 367 00:13:30,225 --> 00:13:32,225 hopefully that continues. That's that's what I would 368 00:13:32,225 --> 00:13:33,125 want for anybody. 369 00:13:33,610 --> 00:13:35,610 So they can't fix you. They can't make 370 00:13:35,610 --> 00:13:37,210 it better for you, but maybe they can 371 00:13:37,210 --> 00:13:38,970 be a support for you. Maybe they can 372 00:13:38,970 --> 00:13:41,470 hold your hand through this journey. 373 00:13:42,570 --> 00:13:44,910 But all of that takes time. It's not 374 00:13:45,129 --> 00:13:47,529 just because you're out of the relationship and 375 00:13:47,529 --> 00:13:48,794 you're into a new relationship 376 00:13:49,195 --> 00:13:51,855 doesn't mean everything that you've gone through just, 377 00:13:52,394 --> 00:13:54,414 you know, is somehow, like, you cannot 378 00:13:55,674 --> 00:13:57,355 think about it, not it won't affect you, 379 00:13:57,355 --> 00:13:59,195 you've moved on. Yeah. It's just not how 380 00:13:59,195 --> 00:14:01,115 any of it works. Right. I mean, it 381 00:14:01,115 --> 00:14:03,230 it would be nice if, you know, you 382 00:14:03,230 --> 00:14:05,389 you walked out of a an old relationship 383 00:14:05,389 --> 00:14:07,309 and you just flip the switch and, you 384 00:14:07,309 --> 00:14:09,549 know, off you go. But we as people, 385 00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:12,190 we aren't. We we have to we have 386 00:14:12,190 --> 00:14:14,289 an I I think an in inert 387 00:14:15,225 --> 00:14:16,605 or an in-depth 388 00:14:17,225 --> 00:14:18,125 need to, 389 00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:19,325 you 390 00:14:19,705 --> 00:14:20,205 know, 391 00:14:21,144 --> 00:14:23,725 think about things, to to work through things. 392 00:14:23,784 --> 00:14:26,184 Right. Okay? And we're gonna feel what you 393 00:14:26,184 --> 00:14:28,105 feel through this whole process. And some of 394 00:14:28,105 --> 00:14:29,544 that and I wish you did not feel 395 00:14:29,544 --> 00:14:31,899 shame. I wish you I wish you were 396 00:14:31,899 --> 00:14:34,799 not lacking in confidence. But it's also understandable 397 00:14:35,100 --> 00:14:37,659 because of whatever it is without knowing the 398 00:14:37,659 --> 00:14:39,419 details that you were put through and that 399 00:14:39,419 --> 00:14:41,120 somebody did to you. Right? 400 00:14:41,579 --> 00:14:42,079 So 401 00:14:42,539 --> 00:14:44,299 I can't tell you how to stop feeling 402 00:14:44,299 --> 00:14:46,480 shame, that we are not qualified. 403 00:14:47,394 --> 00:14:49,014 I don't know how you 404 00:14:49,394 --> 00:14:51,095 become more confident 405 00:14:51,554 --> 00:14:52,695 as of this moment, 406 00:14:53,075 --> 00:14:55,315 but my experience says it's a time thing. 407 00:14:55,315 --> 00:14:56,695 It's a trust thing. 408 00:14:57,554 --> 00:15:00,115 Insomuch as you can, if submission outside of 409 00:15:00,115 --> 00:15:02,459 sex is a thing you gravitate towards, that's 410 00:15:02,459 --> 00:15:04,699 where I would put my energy in terms 411 00:15:04,699 --> 00:15:06,779 of power exchange dynamics. I would be like, 412 00:15:06,779 --> 00:15:08,699 okay. Sex will happen if it's meant to 413 00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:10,779 happen, when it's meant to happen. It's off 414 00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:12,939 the table. It's just not even like, I'm 415 00:15:12,939 --> 00:15:15,339 working through some stuff. I gotta do some 416 00:15:15,339 --> 00:15:16,720 healing and some processing. 417 00:15:17,419 --> 00:15:19,524 Maybe we'll get there. And the partner you 418 00:15:19,524 --> 00:15:21,605 have seems to know that or they wouldn't 419 00:15:21,605 --> 00:15:24,245 be with you. Right? So then it's okay. 420 00:15:24,245 --> 00:15:27,924 Let's let's pivot and let's look at power 421 00:15:27,924 --> 00:15:30,424 exchange that isn't sexual, that is about 422 00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:32,584 the literal exchange of power. 423 00:15:33,125 --> 00:15:34,179 I'm submissive. 424 00:15:34,639 --> 00:15:36,959 They're my daddy dom. I've got rules now. 425 00:15:36,959 --> 00:15:39,459 I've got things I have to do that 426 00:15:39,519 --> 00:15:40,419 aren't about 427 00:15:40,879 --> 00:15:41,860 sex. And 428 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,720 if and when it's meant to be, whether 429 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:46,959 it's with lots of therapy and, you know, 430 00:15:46,959 --> 00:15:49,355 whatever else you find that helps you work 431 00:15:49,355 --> 00:15:50,014 through this, 432 00:15:50,715 --> 00:15:52,795 or it it happens a little bit more 433 00:15:52,795 --> 00:15:55,934 naturally as the trust grows between you, 434 00:15:56,235 --> 00:15:58,154 you might find yourself back there going, okay. 435 00:15:58,154 --> 00:16:00,875 I can baby steps. I can start doing 436 00:16:00,875 --> 00:16:03,490 some sexual things. But again, there shouldn't the 437 00:16:03,490 --> 00:16:04,850 thing I feel like you're doing is you're 438 00:16:04,850 --> 00:16:07,410 putting pressure on yourself, and that's not gonna 439 00:16:07,410 --> 00:16:09,649 help you. No. To the extent that two 440 00:16:09,649 --> 00:16:12,049 weirdos on the Internet with microphones can convince 441 00:16:12,049 --> 00:16:13,649 you of this, that is the thing I'd 442 00:16:13,649 --> 00:16:15,345 I'd like to say is let 443 00:16:16,865 --> 00:16:18,865 let the pressure fall away to the best 444 00:16:18,865 --> 00:16:20,324 of your abilities and just go, 445 00:16:20,704 --> 00:16:23,345 it's not a never first sex. It's a 446 00:16:23,345 --> 00:16:25,345 not right now. That's not good for me. 447 00:16:25,345 --> 00:16:27,024 That's not where I need to be. I 448 00:16:27,024 --> 00:16:28,625 seem to have this partner who gets that, 449 00:16:28,625 --> 00:16:30,480 so let's focus on the things that are 450 00:16:30,559 --> 00:16:32,959 bringing you joy, that make you happy together, 451 00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:34,339 where you can connect 452 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,120 as dom and sub in ways that you 453 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:39,679 both enjoy and want to do has nothing 454 00:16:39,679 --> 00:16:41,600 to do with sex. You as a human 455 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:42,100 being, 456 00:16:42,714 --> 00:16:45,034 also as a submissive, are more than the 457 00:16:45,034 --> 00:16:47,115 sexual things you can do within for a 458 00:16:47,115 --> 00:16:47,615 partner. 459 00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:49,514 There is so much more to you than 460 00:16:49,514 --> 00:16:51,274 that. There's so much more to power exchange 461 00:16:51,274 --> 00:16:52,815 than that if that's what you want. 462 00:16:53,274 --> 00:16:53,774 So 463 00:16:54,075 --> 00:16:56,154 I I can say that all day long. 464 00:16:56,154 --> 00:16:57,674 I know that doesn't mean you hear it 465 00:16:57,674 --> 00:16:59,259 and go, oh, of course. No. I have 466 00:16:59,340 --> 00:17:00,700 I look at the world in a different 467 00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:02,399 way. That's that I know. 468 00:17:03,019 --> 00:17:05,180 But I think you need to hear that 469 00:17:05,180 --> 00:17:05,680 from 470 00:17:07,339 --> 00:17:10,240 people outside of you who can be more 471 00:17:10,694 --> 00:17:12,534 objective than you're ever gonna be. 472 00:17:12,855 --> 00:17:14,954 And I think maybe if you try the 473 00:17:15,095 --> 00:17:17,494 manifestation mantra kind of like, let me rewrite 474 00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:19,034 the script in my own head and 475 00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:21,914 say things to myself that 476 00:17:22,294 --> 00:17:25,149 you know And, again, that is a Band 477 00:17:25,149 --> 00:17:27,009 Aid kind of thing. That's a 478 00:17:27,309 --> 00:17:28,289 that would never 479 00:17:28,669 --> 00:17:29,169 just 480 00:17:29,470 --> 00:17:32,269 work all on its own. Mhmm. You you're 481 00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:35,444 you need the tools that hopefully a good 482 00:17:36,884 --> 00:17:39,684 professional can help you with and help you 483 00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:42,585 find and to to navigate all of this. 484 00:17:43,204 --> 00:17:45,204 Plus just the stress of the legal process 485 00:17:45,204 --> 00:17:47,524 of this all. That's gonna linger for as 486 00:17:47,524 --> 00:17:49,065 long as that lingers because 487 00:17:49,660 --> 00:17:51,579 depending on where you're located, you didn't say 488 00:17:51,579 --> 00:17:53,980 US, but I know US. If if anything 489 00:17:53,980 --> 00:17:55,500 even gets to come of it, it takes 490 00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:57,359 for fucking ever. Mhmm. 491 00:17:58,059 --> 00:17:59,660 So, yeah, to the best of of your 492 00:17:59,660 --> 00:18:02,220 abilities, just mutually go, okay. Sex is just 493 00:18:02,220 --> 00:18:03,660 off the table. It's just not a thing 494 00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:05,404 in this relationship right now. 495 00:18:05,945 --> 00:18:08,265 What we can do, the cuddles, the having 496 00:18:08,265 --> 00:18:10,984 fun, the laughing, let's focus on that. Because 497 00:18:10,984 --> 00:18:11,484 you 498 00:18:12,184 --> 00:18:13,545 you you need some of that in your 499 00:18:13,545 --> 00:18:14,045 life. 500 00:18:14,424 --> 00:18:16,285 You deserve to have that in your life. 501 00:18:17,465 --> 00:18:19,545 And I think over time in that way, 502 00:18:19,545 --> 00:18:20,640 when you redefine 503 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:24,160 what submission means to you, if if if 504 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:25,519 that resonates away from sex, I think you'll 505 00:18:25,519 --> 00:18:27,460 find confidence there. I think, 506 00:18:27,839 --> 00:18:29,940 you know, having a being with a partner 507 00:18:30,559 --> 00:18:32,960 that treats you as you're supposed to be 508 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,740 treated with respect and care 509 00:18:35,085 --> 00:18:37,164 and that you enjoy being with and that 510 00:18:37,164 --> 00:18:39,565 you, you know, you're having a better experience. 511 00:18:39,565 --> 00:18:42,544 I think from over time, confidence will come 512 00:18:43,085 --> 00:18:45,005 from that as well. And and from reading 513 00:18:45,005 --> 00:18:46,444 this, I have one other little thing I 514 00:18:46,444 --> 00:18:47,724 wanna throw in there, but I think it's 515 00:18:47,724 --> 00:18:48,544 kind of important. 516 00:18:48,890 --> 00:18:49,789 Be kind to yourself. 517 00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:52,090 The hardest thing of all. Be kind to 518 00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:53,390 yourself. Mhmm. 519 00:18:53,769 --> 00:18:54,269 Mhmm. 520 00:18:54,650 --> 00:18:55,630 Yeah. You 521 00:18:56,650 --> 00:18:57,470 just as I'm 522 00:18:57,850 --> 00:18:59,930 I have no doubt you would be kind 523 00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:02,090 to your partner if they described all of 524 00:19:02,090 --> 00:19:04,015 this to you. Right? You'll go, oh my 525 00:19:04,015 --> 00:19:05,934 gosh. I am so sorry. How can I 526 00:19:05,934 --> 00:19:07,934 help? How can I support you? You are 527 00:19:07,934 --> 00:19:10,015 worthy of the same things. Mhmm. Talk to 528 00:19:10,015 --> 00:19:11,454 yourself the way you talk to your best 529 00:19:11,454 --> 00:19:13,875 friend or your current partner who you adore. 530 00:19:14,335 --> 00:19:14,835 You 531 00:19:15,549 --> 00:19:17,410 are worthy of that too. Yeah. 532 00:19:17,789 --> 00:19:18,289 That 533 00:19:18,750 --> 00:19:19,650 is hard. 534 00:19:20,670 --> 00:19:22,289 It takes time to, like, 535 00:19:23,070 --> 00:19:25,230 retrain your brain a little bit. It will 536 00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:27,250 feel silly as shit. 537 00:19:27,789 --> 00:19:30,375 Rewriting those bad tapes is difficult, but it 538 00:19:30,375 --> 00:19:32,795 can be done. Right. But don't 539 00:19:33,494 --> 00:19:35,735 think that doing that is all I if 540 00:19:35,735 --> 00:19:37,595 you're not already, please, please, please 541 00:19:38,055 --> 00:19:39,595 see what you can do to find 542 00:19:40,055 --> 00:19:41,515 a kink aware therapist, 543 00:19:41,975 --> 00:19:44,490 somebody who folk can focus on the sexual 544 00:19:44,490 --> 00:19:45,789 aspect for you. There are, 545 00:19:47,049 --> 00:19:49,930 sex coaches, therapists, people who who specialize on 546 00:19:49,930 --> 00:19:51,309 that side of things as well. 547 00:19:52,009 --> 00:19:52,829 Let telehealth 548 00:19:53,210 --> 00:19:54,509 be your friend. Right. 549 00:19:55,369 --> 00:19:56,190 And, yeah, 550 00:19:57,690 --> 00:19:58,170 over time 551 00:19:59,345 --> 00:20:00,865 this will never go away for you, but 552 00:20:00,865 --> 00:20:02,865 over time, I think you'll find your ways 553 00:20:02,865 --> 00:20:03,365 to, 554 00:20:04,545 --> 00:20:06,785 handle it and deal with it and get 555 00:20:06,785 --> 00:20:08,884 through it and think about it differently. 556 00:20:09,904 --> 00:20:11,609 And it's just to me, it's too too 557 00:20:11,730 --> 00:20:13,490 it would it's too fresh. Of course, you 558 00:20:13,490 --> 00:20:14,929 feel the way you feel. Yeah. 559 00:20:16,450 --> 00:20:19,589 And I think that's all Yeah. We can 560 00:20:19,730 --> 00:20:21,429 offer. Mhmm. Correct. 561 00:20:22,210 --> 00:20:23,914 Thanks for listening to this week's q and 562 00:20:23,914 --> 00:20:25,355 a episode. If you want us to answer 563 00:20:25,355 --> 00:20:27,194 one of your questions, just use the contact 564 00:20:27,194 --> 00:20:29,515 page on our website at lovingBDSM.net, 565 00:20:29,515 --> 00:20:30,794 or you can find the link in the 566 00:20:30,794 --> 00:20:32,554 show notes. Big thanks as always to our 567 00:20:32,554 --> 00:20:34,875 kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to 568 00:20:34,875 --> 00:20:36,634 do this podcast and keep it going and 569 00:20:36,634 --> 00:20:39,250 help kinksters due to your support. If you'd 570 00:20:39,250 --> 00:20:40,610 like to be part of our community and 571 00:20:40,610 --> 00:20:42,529 get access to extra content and a Discord 572 00:20:42,529 --> 00:20:44,210 server with a group of super cool, super 573 00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:46,210 nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join 574 00:20:46,210 --> 00:20:48,289 us at patreon.com/kaylalords. 575 00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:50,835 That's patreon.com/kaylalords, 576 00:20:50,994 --> 00:20:51,734 or use the link in the show 577 00:20:58,115 --> 00:20:58,615 notes.