You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lords here with the one, the only,
the even when you're being a little grumpy,
you're still sometimes a little silly,
daddy.
The breadstone. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. Hi. Hi.
Hi.
Yeah. That's I I got nothing more to
add to that. Just then just It's just
a thing we've been through
on this day of recording.
So I I think there's been a lot
of that this week just in general. Probably
so. Probably so. That's okay. We've got every
That's not why we're here. That's not why
we're here.
No. No. And for all our giggles,
we're we are dealing with a heavy question
this week. Seriously. So we are gonna take
that seriously.
This week, we're answering a question from a
submissive who experienced trauma in a previous power
exchange relationship
and wants to feel confident in their new
relationship. This is a content warning
for mentions, but no details of an abusive
DS relationship,
including mentions but no details
of sexual
assault and abuse. So if that is not
something you need to be thinking about right
now, feel free to skip this one. We
are we are never mad at you for
that. You do what you have to do
to take care of yourself.
Welcome to the leave loving what is our
name? I don't know.
Welcome to the loving BDSM podcast.
You should see the look I'm giving her,
folks. It's, precious.
If you're new here, we help kinksters like
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have a question that you'd like us to
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the situation,
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literally called ask your questions, in the show
notes or available at our website, lovingBDSM.net.
That's lovingBDSM.net.
Okay. So let's get into the question. K.
I've been with my daddy dom for a
little over a month now. As of September
2024, I've come out of a toxic and
abusive DS dynamic that's left me struggling with
my sense of self worth, especially when it
comes to my sexuality and worth within the
dynamic.
My partner now is absolutely wonderful, kind, loving,
compassionate, understanding, empathetic, and funny. I love everything
about him, especially when he goes off on
tangents about folk music. My ex Dom made
it all about sex and made it hard
for me to voice relational concerns because they'd
be dismissed or he'd ghost for three weeks
or more. I can't do much sexually due
to the trauma from sexual abuse from my
ex Dom complicated by reproductive problems that cause
a lot of pain and giving oral being
completely off limits.
I'm also in chemical menopause and on HRT,
but HRT has done nothing for my desire
for sexual play at all.
I'm also very new to sexual activity in
general. My ex dom was my only sexual
partner and I don't do sexual play casually.
My issues come down to not feeling like
a good enough submissive or partner because I'm
not able to have fun with sex with
my partner in any way. We are an
incredible match personality wise and we have a
lot of fun together and love to cuddle
together especially when falling asleep.
I hear my ex Dom's words about the
only thing important to him in our dynamic
was sex and his mind turning back to
sex during every argument and how it diminished
through the abuse, how I'm not open minded
enough. I'm also taking legal action against my
ex dom for the abuse. I've gone to
lots of munches and play events and have
a wonderful dynamic with my partner. And I
have none of the same issues that I
had in the dynamic with my ex dom.
I couldn't be happier to be in the
relationship and the community I'm in now.
How do I stop feeling ashamed of my
lack of desire for sex and enjoy what
we have? How do I feel more confident
in the dynamic?
It's a heavy one. Yes. It is. It's
an important thing. There's no way this person
is, you know, the first, the last, or
the only to ever go through something like
this. True. True. True.
We I did not spring this question on
JB. We this is what we talked about
before recording.
The one thing that's first and foremost,
because we are just two weirdos on the
Internet, we are not qualified for actual,
you know, the actual kind of help that
will probably help you process through some of
this. Alright. And that is if you have
not done so already,
please please please see if you can find
a kink aware, kink friendly Yeah. Therapist. Yes.
You know,
extra ideal if they are familiar with and
can help you with any sexual function
situations,
mental health wise.
We are absolutely linking to the site where
you can go to find somebody. Mhmm.
You know, depending on where you live and
the rules about all that and licensing and
all that stuff good stuff, it could be
limited. It might not. Telehealth might be an
option.
Therapy in and of itself is,
you know, is something that would probably help
in general, but specific to kinks, specific to
dynamics,
specific to how it's, like,
making you feel and how you're reacting with
your own, you know, sexual
play and fun and ability,
I've
if you can find them, I I would
really highly recommend somebody who is actually qualified
in those
areas. Absolutely. Especially with somebody who understands kink.
Now on a
once that's settled as you're doing that, what
are some things we think
you can try or that may help?
We will give it a go. Mhmm. What
are some of your thoughts?
Well, I I know
I I have kind of gone through this
in in the past, especially the more recent
past.
Mhmm.
Do you mean this by like lack of
confidence?
Well Or the not being able to be
as sexual as you want.
Okay. I've, you know, in the past I've
kind of run into
some of these things too, and, you even
pointed it out to me
in the past.
In as far as going to say, you
know, you are looking at the things you
don't have Mhmm. Mhmm. And not
enjoying the things you do have. Right. And
I and I think for many people that's
a common
Mhmm. Problem. Mhmm. Okay? Because it it's so
easy
to fixate on the bad. And I know
even
people will be more likely to say something
negative Mhmm. Than positive. Absolutely. And and I
think this kind
of falls a little bit into the same
thing. It it it's hard to see the
forest from the trees. Right. Because we as
individuals will will think about what we think
we're lacking, what we think we're not doing,
what we're Mhmm. Air quotes supposed to be
doing. Yeah. Right. And and it sounds like
you have,
you know, a really
good relationship here starting. Mhmm.
And,
you know, is is it easy to break
that mindset?
No. No. It's not.
You know, like like we both agreed on
upfront, you know, I think some some therapy
would would be amazing, would be very helpful
to this. But I I I think, you
know, you can do some things
in in the meantime
that might help.
Maybe develop,
for lack of a better word, maybe a
mantra.
You know,
that you can reinforce to yourself
Mhmm. You know, that, hey, there is good
here. Right. Yeah. You kind of have to,
to the best of your ability, rewrite the
script in your brain. Exactly. Sort of override
it as much as you can. And and
and the only way you can really
do that is kind of by by repetition.
Mhmm.
Okay. Mhmm. So, you know,
they they say, you know, I'm not good,
but they they can be helpful. So I
I think that's something that you could,
you know, want to
Mhmm. Try. And I think if you choose
to go that way,
you know, it's it's
whatever you choose to say to yourself, to
think to yourself
consistently,
you know,
try to think of it's a little bit
of that manifestation thing, trying to think of
what you want to have and who you
want to be,
while also
you've already clearly outlined it here, what is
good about the relationship that you're in, and
that that that you are enough as you
are right now. Correct. Regardless of what has
happened to you and the process you have
to go through to work through some of
that and and find your way through it.
There's no
out. There's no over under. There is just
through. Yeah. Who you are right now is
good enough, and clearly who you are is
good enough for your existing partner. You walked
into this relationship with
this
partner.
You walked into this relationship
with this past and with these traumas and
with these health issues. Right? And you are
loving your time with this partner. You are
finding joy and good in the relationship that
you're in,
And
clearly you're not disappointing them
because they knew who you were and they
have figured out who you are in in
this time.
So,
or they are figuring
relatively new relationship,
and they're happy with you,
and happy with the relationship you have
based from description. So Right. That you are
enough, and what you are able to offer
and do and and who you are able
to be in this moment is enough.
I
the other thing I I would recommend
is to think about what submission means to
you. Are there other parts of your submission
that are non sexual? And if they have
never been before, is that something that you
can explore?
You know, if
if your only view and experience with submission
is sexual and and sex is just off
the table and not the right thing for
you right now, sure, you might feel lacking
as a submissive, but are you a service
sub? Are you somebody who just kinda wants
to be told what to do? Are you
somebody who feels like they would thrive with
well negotiated
rules?
You know,
may if you haven't already or if you've
had to put it on hold from this
previous relationship, start exploring what submission
means to you.
Submissive Guide, the website, submissiveguide.com,
linked in the places, is a great place
to go for that.
Luna, who runs that site, also has books
that that she's written that you can get
electronically or physical copies.
The new bottoming book, is not specifically about
submission, but there's there's a lot there that
talks about bottoming and submitting,
not just within a sexual
play kind of thing.
And then we have the thirty days of
DS from Loving BDSM,
which you had questions that you can answer
and, you know, then you get an understanding
of who you are more from those too.
Right. And those are three days of DS
is designed to be either conversation
starters or journal prompts, however you want to
go through it. And it's a little bit
each day to sort of think about what
power exchange means to you and what you
want it to be for you.
So that would be my you know, it's
e like you said, it's very easy to
focus on what you don't have, what you
can't do, what's not happening, and it's very
easy to lose sight of what you can
do, what you do have, what is good
right right with you right now.
The other thing, and it's the most boring
answer, it's the one that is just frustrating
as all hell, and that's time. Yeah. This
is all very new. The
getting out of the relationship,
new. That is we are recording in early
February twenty twenty five. Barely barely six months.
Right. And what was it? How long have
you been in this relationship?
A little over a month. That means there's
also some new relationship energy. There's just getting
to know each other. There's just maybe, hopefully,
starting to develop
a a strong and deep trust between one
another, and it's way early days. The things
you think you know about yourself, your partner,
your dynamic today
could fundamentally shift in six months, a year,
longer. Right? So,
you know, it is
all of this is still fresh for you.
And the there's no cure. I don't wanna
I don't wanna be blase about it and
be like, oh, well,
it is a time thing. You have to
have enough time to go through the legal
process that you're dealing with, to maybe find
a therapist who is aware and and understanding
of dynamics in power exchange to be able
to help you kind of walk through this
and work through some of this. You have
to deal with your own health. And quite
frankly, chemical menopause and HRT and low arousal
sexual desire,
yes. But also,
I from a if I had been through
some of what you have just minimally described,
I sure as shit wouldn't have any sexual
desire either. Yeah. Of course you don't. Regardless
of the medical and health and Right. Physical
reasons, of course, you don't.
It's
you know, if you had I will say
this. If you had asked this question and
said I'm thinking about getting into a relationship,
my answer would have been, maybe put that
on pause. Yeah. Go slow. But you're here
now.
You are happy. Your partner
seems seems to be wonderful. So now They
they seem to be very supportive. Right. And
hopefully that continues. That's that's what I would
want for anybody.
So they can't fix you. They can't make
it better for you, but maybe they can
be a support for you. Maybe they can
hold your hand through this journey.
But all of that takes time. It's not
just because you're out of the relationship and
you're into a new relationship
doesn't mean everything that you've gone through just,
you know, is somehow, like, you cannot
think about it, not it won't affect you,
you've moved on. Yeah. It's just not how
any of it works. Right. I mean, it
it would be nice if, you know, you
you walked out of a an old relationship
and you just flip the switch and, you
know, off you go. But we as people,
we aren't. We we have to we have
an I I think an in inert
or an in-depth
need to,
you
know,
think about things, to to work through things.
Right. Okay? And we're gonna feel what you
feel through this whole process. And some of
that and I wish you did not feel
shame. I wish you I wish you were
not lacking in confidence. But it's also understandable
because of whatever it is without knowing the
details that you were put through and that
somebody did to you. Right?
So
I can't tell you how to stop feeling
shame, that we are not qualified.
I don't know how you
become more confident
as of this moment,
but my experience says it's a time thing.
It's a trust thing.
Insomuch as you can, if submission outside of
sex is a thing you gravitate towards, that's
where I would put my energy in terms
of power exchange dynamics. I would be like,
okay. Sex will happen if it's meant to
happen, when it's meant to happen. It's off
the table. It's just not even like, I'm
working through some stuff. I gotta do some
healing and some processing.
Maybe we'll get there. And the partner you
have seems to know that or they wouldn't
be with you. Right? So then it's okay.
Let's let's pivot and let's look at power
exchange that isn't sexual, that is about
the literal exchange of power.
I'm submissive.
They're my daddy dom. I've got rules now.
I've got things I have to do that
aren't about
sex. And
if and when it's meant to be, whether
it's with lots of therapy and, you know,
whatever else you find that helps you work
through this,
or it it happens a little bit more
naturally as the trust grows between you,
you might find yourself back there going, okay.
I can baby steps. I can start doing
some sexual things. But again, there shouldn't the
thing I feel like you're doing is you're
putting pressure on yourself, and that's not gonna
help you. No. To the extent that two
weirdos on the Internet with microphones can convince
you of this, that is the thing I'd
I'd like to say is let
let the pressure fall away to the best
of your abilities and just go,
it's not a never first sex. It's a
not right now. That's not good for me.
That's not where I need to be. I
seem to have this partner who gets that,
so let's focus on the things that are
bringing you joy, that make you happy together,
where you can connect
as dom and sub in ways that you
both enjoy and want to do has nothing
to do with sex. You as a human
being,
also as a submissive, are more than the
sexual things you can do within for a
partner.
There is so much more to you than
that. There's so much more to power exchange
than that if that's what you want.
So
I I can say that all day long.
I know that doesn't mean you hear it
and go, oh, of course. No. I have
I look at the world in a different
way. That's that I know.
But I think you need to hear that
from
people outside of you who can be more
objective than you're ever gonna be.
And I think maybe if you try the
manifestation mantra kind of like, let me rewrite
the script in my own head and
say things to myself that
you know And, again, that is a Band
Aid kind of thing. That's a
that would never
just
work all on its own. Mhmm. You you're
you need the tools that hopefully a good
professional can help you with and help you
find and to to navigate all of this.
Plus just the stress of the legal process
of this all. That's gonna linger for as
long as that lingers because
depending on where you're located, you didn't say
US, but I know US. If if anything
even gets to come of it, it takes
for fucking ever. Mhmm.
So, yeah, to the best of of your
abilities, just mutually go, okay. Sex is just
off the table. It's just not a thing
in this relationship right now.
What we can do, the cuddles, the having
fun, the laughing, let's focus on that. Because
you
you you need some of that in your
life.
You deserve to have that in your life.
And I think over time in that way,
when you redefine
what submission means to you, if if if
that resonates away from sex, I think you'll
find confidence there. I think,
you know, having a being with a partner
that treats you as you're supposed to be
treated with respect and care
and that you enjoy being with and that
you, you know, you're having a better experience.
I think from over time, confidence will come
from that as well. And and from reading
this, I have one other little thing I
wanna throw in there, but I think it's
kind of important.
Be kind to yourself.
The hardest thing of all. Be kind to
yourself. Mhmm.
Mhmm.
Yeah. You
just as I'm
I have no doubt you would be kind
to your partner if they described all of
this to you. Right? You'll go, oh my
gosh. I am so sorry. How can I
help? How can I support you? You are
worthy of the same things. Mhmm. Talk to
yourself the way you talk to your best
friend or your current partner who you adore.
You
are worthy of that too. Yeah.
That
is hard.
It takes time to, like,
retrain your brain a little bit. It will
feel silly as shit.
Rewriting those bad tapes is difficult, but it
can be done. Right. But don't
think that doing that is all I if
you're not already, please, please, please
see what you can do to find
a kink aware therapist,
somebody who folk can focus on the sexual
aspect for you. There are,
sex coaches, therapists, people who who specialize on
that side of things as well.
Let telehealth
be your friend. Right.
And, yeah,
over time
this will never go away for you, but
over time, I think you'll find your ways
to,
handle it and deal with it and get
through it and think about it differently.
And it's just to me, it's too too
it would it's too fresh. Of course, you
feel the way you feel. Yeah.
And I think that's all Yeah. We can
offer. Mhmm. Correct.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
page on our website at lovingBDSM.net,
or you can find the link in the
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That's patreon.com/kaylalords,
or use the link in the show
notes.