You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast,
episode 427.
Kayla Lords here with the 1, the only,
the he's doing his best to keep his
good humor, but he has every good reason
to be very, very aggravated right now. John
Brownstone. I'm trying. For the record, I'm not
the cause of the aggravation. No. You're not.
You are not. You are not. But Absolutely
not. If I try to do jumping jacks
on your last nerve, I will
receive the pleasure. You will receive the brunt
of the, yeah.
Yes. We're about we're about to tell you
why that is, but let's, like, be official
and Okay. Do the things. Do the things
first.
This week,
while the world is on fire literally and
figuratively,
we decided to release some tension
with a rant or 2,
with a BDSM Reddit,
response episode.
At the very beginning, I was like, I'm
not sure if I'll rant. And then I
ranted. Why? How do I know that? Because
we're time traveling. Give me a moment. I'll
tell you.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this
is your first time listening, glad to have
you. If you're back for another week, welcome
back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday
for your kinky pleasure and education, and show
notes are found at lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add
the podcast to your favorite podcast app.
You can also follow the show on Fetlife
at lovingbdsmpc
on Instagram and technically threads at that handle
I will forever fucking hate. Loving d s
and the number one. So it's at loving
d s one.
On blue sky at loving BDSM and then
all the other characters after that. I don't
know. Just search for loving BDSM. We're right
there. Or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving
BDSM, where you can watch us live stream
the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in
the show notes.
As for our announcement this week, there's only
one. It's the same one it's been for
a hot ass minute. That is we are
in the middle of our Patreon membership drive.
It is still going on. We are still
talking about it. Yes. And we won't have
any other announcements
and promos until we get through this. Mhmm.
Actually, that's not true, but I'll tell you
another one in a second. Okay.
This whole thing has gone off the rails.
It'll be fine. So Patreon membership drive, the
significance
of that is if you join our Patreon
community
by February 15th, you get an extra goodie
on top of what we already do for
Patreon.
So
join by February 15th. If you are in
the 2 if you are in any of
the tiers,
you are going to get a the digital
workbook that is coming out that I'm actually
in the process of working on,
that is gonna focus on communication in power
exchange. It's gonna have information. It's gonna have
resources. It's gonna have worksheets.
You will get that with at no additional
charge before we ever put it up on
Etsy or offered anywhere else.
If you are in the
$10 tier
as of February 15th,
you will
be mailed, yes, in the mail, yes, even
internationally,
the exclusive
10th anniversary
loving BDSM
enamel pin. This will not be up, on
Etsy for sale in the future. This will
not be just, like, given out like candy.
This is patrons only,
unless we do, like, little baby giveaways in
August when we hit our official,
10th anniversary.
So yeah. Act now before midnight tonight.
Something like that.
The other benefit to joining during the membership
drive, if you join as an annual member,
meaning you pay once and get access for
the whole year, you should get 2 months
free. So you pay for 10 months.
You get access for 12 months. So if
let's say you pick the $10 tier, that's
a a $100 plus tax depending on,
your currency rates
and exchange rates if you're international.
The $2 tier,
it'd be $20
and and some change
if you do the annual thing and just
pay one time. All that good stuff.
What you get for just joining our Discord,
everybody, no matter your tier, you get access
to our Discord server.
You get access to our behind the scenes
podcast episode, which is part bonus section,
part hey. Let's go a little deeper and
talk a little bit more about what we're
doing to work on our power exchange this
year.
We also do alternating game nights and movie
nights. So in January, we had a game
night.
It It was a lot of fun. We
played Cards Against Humanity. And then in February,
we'll do a movie night. And through Discord,
we'll watch a movie together and then we'll
alternate back. March, it's game night. You see
how this goes. Right?
Everybody gets that. If you choose the $5
tier, you get access
to bedtime stories with JB,
where he recorded himself reading
bedtime stories. I'm putting all that together and
editing it for January right now. Bedtime or
or just stories. I called it bedtime stories
because you're
your your the True. Yeah. Yeah. Your fans
were like, please read me a bedtime story.
They stopped themselves at calling you daddy because
they knew I'd come through a screen at
them.
Oh, wow.
They knew I'd cut a bitch.
Oh my god.
I'm not real possessive
except
over that.
Anyway,
if you if you do join the $10
tier, not only do you get the exclusive
enamel pin mailed to you,
you get access to every digital
product
we make and sell on Etsy at no
additional charge. It's coloring books. It's workbooks. It's
planner sheets. It's all of it. It's anything
new. It's anything old. So if you're interested,
in joining during our membership drive, helping us
do this thing that we do on the
Internet, patreon.com/kayla
lords. It's patreon.com/kayla
lords or the link is in the show
notes.
One more announcement real quick
before we get into what the hell is
going on with this podcast episode.
I get to say this because it's happening
right now. The Kinkery is having our,
Valentine's Day sale. Yes. We have to have
our Valentine's Day sale
early
so that you have time to maybe receive
your items for Valentine's Day. People have to
have time to get their their gifts for
Valentine's Day. Right. The only thing that is
not going to arrive by Valentine's Day is
if you order resin inlay paddles or canes
with resin
handle. Those are made to order. Everything else,
if you order during our sale,
you should get it, hopefully. If you're in
the US,
by Valentine's Day. So if you're planning a
Valentine's Day scene, I'm just saying.
So
the code, is kinky love 25. I'll put
this in the show notes. Don't worry. And
it's at the kinkery thekinkery.com.
You get 15% off your order, and that
coupon code does work on our clearance items
of which we still have some. So I'm
just saying, kinkery.com
having a sale through February 5th.
That's the second announcement. That's it for announcements.
So
real quick. Yeah. Real quick. The clusterfuck that
is this podcast. Right.
We had some some audio issues. While recording.
While recording.
What we the way we normally set this
up is while we're doing the live stream,
we are recording the audio with a different
program. Mhmm. K?
And
they both have different intros and and whatnot,
you know. So anyway,
we we recorded the intro for the podcast,
and then we went and we started the
live stream,
as we do, and then when Kayla told
me to hit the magic button Which is
how y'all get brought in and we're recording
for y'all.
I clicked the magic button,
and I looked away
because we were doing our thing. Mhmm. Then
I looked back up at the monitor screen,
nothing was happening. Nothing's happening.
Nothing's happening.
The program locked up crashed and and
just died, went down in flames. I know.
We stopped we didn't stop the live stream.
The live stream was still going, but we
stopped
talking for like 4 or 5 minutes trying
to figure it out. And,
was not able to figure it out. At
that point, we were too far in Mhmm.
To to do anything, because we also lost
the intro.
So, yeah. We we kinda had to jump
through hoops to get this to you folks
this week, but we're here.
So what you're about to hear the whole
way through from the, Reddit post through the
bonus section is the audio pulled from the
livestream.
Mhmm. Thank you to Silent Wing for doing
that for us.
We don't quite know,
as the moment we are recording this,
if there will be any, like, weird mentions
or any like, if there's a if there's
a sound quality difference, there shouldn't be. We're
talking into the same mics, but you never
know. Different programs. Right. That's why. That's and
and if at any point we sound a
little frantic.
That's
why. JB is is he's not much of
a jaw clencher, but it's been real real
clenched
since the Wednesday livestream.
Yep. Trying to figure this out. And and
and now I'm trying to finish it up
and put it behind me. Right. So y'all
can have an episode Friday.
So,
yeah. We're we're real ass professionals, aren't we?
Mhmm.
So with all that being said,
here here's the episode.
Here we are.
So let's get into
the Reddit,
posts that I found, so that maybe JB
can work off some of his frustration
as well.
I'll go ahead and warn y'all. Every one
of these was long. The few I found
that were shorter didn't have enough detail. I
was like, what are what question are you
actually asking? So we went with long ones.
So here
here we go.
Okay.
Feeling like my sub is doming me by
constantly disobeying.
Hey. I would appreciate a little perspective on
this. For some relevant information, me and my
boyfriend like to engage in gentle femdom, not
247.
So I'm the dom. He's the sub. It
was him who first introduced this to me
and in the beginning I wasn't sure if
I was up for taking on this dominant
role in bed. But as it turned out,
I actually really like it.
I'm still relatively new to it. A thing
that's been really bugging me lately is that
a lot of the time, it doesn't really
feel like I'm actually in charge. For example,
over the last 5 weeks or so, we
had set this rule that completely disallowed masturbation
for him. This is something that we both
thought was hot, him only being able to
get off when he was with me, putting
me in full control of his orgasms.
I'm saying this so you know that this
is something that was mutually agreed on. But
he just doesn't stick to it. At least
once a week, I get a text like,
sorry. I swear I was just going to
edge a little and then I accidentally came.
Mind you, he wasn't even allowed to edge,
let alone cum, but he did it anyways.
Multiple times.
I'm not sure if it's weird or stupid
for me to feel upset about this, but
honestly, I do a little bit. Because I
feel like what is the point of saying
he wants to submit to me if he
doesn't actually do it? I know punishments exist
and I do make use of them, but
I just don't really like it like that.
I would much prefer it if he just
followed through with the denial because that's what
makes this hot for me. It feels like
playing a game with mutually agreed on rules
but the other person just keeps on deliberately
cheating. Eventually you're going to wonder, do they
actually want to play this game, right? When
I told him this, he said that he
realized that he doesn't actually want to be
prohibited from masturbating because it's too hard. Which
like, okay. Fine. Obviously. I don't want to
do something he isn't actually okay with. But
I don't know. Part of me thinks he
didn't even actually try. I mean, it's not
like he's addicted to masturbation. He's gone a
week without doing it, without any difficulties in
the past. So I know he can do
it if he actually tries.
Sometimes I just feel like our DS dynamic
is a little upside down, you know? A
little like he the sub is domming me,
the actual dom. Because he ultimately has the
power over what happens by choosing to obey
or disobey my rules. It's honestly pretty disempowering
for me as a dom because I literally
can't stop him from disobeying me. Fellow doms,
do you ever feel genuinely upset about your
subs disobeying or is this a me problem?
Also, am I being toxic over this?
Okay. Go ahead,
our our resident domly dom. No. You're better
than a domly dom. You're a dada dom.
Yeah.
Sounds like somebody's got a little bit of
a brat going on. Maybe. Maybe. Okay.
I mean, that that's kind of the first
thing, you know, disobeying this, disobeying that. Mhmm.
You know. And making sure to say something.
Mhmm. Mhmm.
So,
you know, yeah. I I I get I
get brat vibes reading
that.
And,
you know, that could be very well what
he wants. He wants her to wrestle control
from.
I mean, maybe. I think the the I'm
with you on that as a as a
concept. The only thing that makes me go,
am I sure of this? Is that at
some point he finally said, actually I don't
wanna do this, you know? I don't this
I don't like this. I don't wanna not
masturbate. Well, and and there comes down to
the point that, you know, consent or anything
that we do is is not one and
done. Right. You know? And I think that
I I, like that she obviously respects his
you know, what his boundaries are, his limits
he doesn't wanna do. I do think, of
course, the obvious answer here is they need
to talk about it. But I think even
if the,
mutually agreed upon thing is, okay, we won't
do this, and we're clearly
okay with it. It's not a relationship ender.
I you still have to talk about what
went on there
because if it's not the act and it's
the feelings around the act or the disobeying
or the trying to to negotiate something and
then deciding you don't want that anymore. All
of those layers of it need to be
discussed
in order to kind of
you can't prevent that from ever happening again.
It will absolutely happen again, most likely. But
to sort of understand the whys and wherefores
so you can navigate things like that better
in the future.
If there's
a brat element, I and I we're only
getting the dom side, so then they're not
really saying the tone that their subnets have
used.
Brats, in that case, from my very limited
experience, tend to be kind of playful with
it. Like, they're like Mhmm. Like, uh-oh. I
didn't do the thing. Like, the the whole
point is to kind of Oh, no. Okay.
We might somebody needs to get a a
screenshot of JB making that face with that
whatever. But,
but, you know, there
the way it's being described, there doesn't seem
to be this layer of playfulness
or of pushing hard. It's more of a,
my bad. Now when I was reading the
comments on this, I think it was on
this one, they all start to blur together
after a while. Somebody mentioned, is it less
about
bratting and more about
potentially before saying that he didn't wanna do
it at all anymore. Right?
About
showing
control. That might be another post something new.
But this idea of I'm not gonna do
the thing that you tell me to do
to see how you respond. Can you make
me do this? And sometimes that's yes. That's
associated with brats, but not necessarily. Some people
just sort of want their submission, like, kind
of consensually sort of yanked from them. The
other thing and this one I know is
a comment from this one, cause it got
me thinking. They she describes their relationship as
not 247 bedroom only. Correct. But then has
control of his orgasms at any given point
in the day. Point in time. At that
moment, you're not bedroom only, are you? No.
I wouldn't think so. I wouldn't think so.
Unless you consider it bedroom games. I mean,
you know it. But, you know, as you're
talking, that's another thing I was thinking about,
you know,
if
if orgasm control is something, you know, that
they they they kinda like, but not to
the extent of it,
keep it in the bedroom when they're During
a scene. Absolutely. A scene.
Mhmm. You know, and and
when the scene is over,
it's over. Poop. Right. And so
she gets the as she describes it, the
hotness of it. He gets whatever control he
wants to give up, but then they yeah.
They're obviously the answer is please have a
conversation with one another.
But that's all that's always the answer. Yeah.
Yeah. It's more there's nuance to it. Right.
Because, you know, if you're bedroom only, then
be bedroom only. And people can absolutely negotiate
some middle
thing between bedroom only and 247.
And maybe
it's the activity that's not doing it for
him. It's something you know, you need something
else or it needs to be done in
a different way. Somebody, somebody mentioned
cage you know, putting a cage on him.
Right?
If he
agreed to it and consented to it, sure.
You know? And, yeah, as Rara says, it
could be that this person just doesn't actually
wanna follow rules, wants to do the play
stuff in the moment, but outside that doesn't
want. Yeah. Again, that's that's a conversation you
have to have. Yeah. I see some somebody
else has,
come up with a little
well, you know, technically, they were in the
bathroom and not the bedroom. So
I'm sorry. That sounds like a sassy sup
or brat on this thing,
because we do specialize in finding
loopholes. The loopholes. Yes.
Yeah. I I the question that
there's 2 main questions I think this Dom
needs to ask herself, which is, you know,
1, how do I feel about the
just
disobeying, you know, breaking the rules Mhmm.
And the sort of half ass way of
letting me know when they're you know? Yeah.
I can use punishments, but I don't really
want to.
And, you know, what can what, if anything,
can we negotiate so that I get this
hotness? I find this hot, and I'd like
to continue it, but this isn't working. But
also the
the if you're walking around feeling like basically
your your sub is topping from the bottom,
I mean, that's how I interpret the am
I being domed. I don't I don't think
that that maybe is what he's doing based
on the description, but if that's the vibe
she's getting,
then there's something else going on. And then
it's a matter of, is this is this
something we should be doing together? Or should
I be doing this with you? Should I
go do this with somebody else? I don't
I don't know. You know? Maybe this is
just fun and games when we're we're we're
fucking, and we leave it alone otherwise.
Right. I mean, the other thing I thought
of too,
you know, is this the only rule
that they're breaking? Are they breaking other rules?
Yeah. You know,
she said as as the dawn Demetrius
does not,
do much punishment.
Right. She knows she can, but she doesn't.
Yeah. And could that be something that he's
edging for? You know, you know? Right. Absolutely.
Punishment.
Or looking for punishment.
Or but see, here's the
I don't know. Maybe I'm being a stickler
for language. If you tell me bedroom only
Mhmm. Then in my mind, rules don't leave
the bedroom necessarily. Now I don't think that
that has to be strictly true. I could
imagine saying seeing somebody go, we're bedroom only
meaning we just keep it to, like, sex.
And so sexual things will be part of
the negotiation.
I just I think that, you know,
neither side is very clear to themselves
on what they want, what they're willing to
do, and how they're gonna get there.
And then, you know, if if your mind
goes to, am I being domed by my
own sub? Yeah. That tells me there's probably
something else,
you know, adding to that vibe. There's an
attitude.
There's a way of speaking.
There's, you know, how you're being treated in
some way
where you're getting the message that,
you know, you don't have the control you
think you have. And, you know, the reasons
can be from I thought that's what I
wanted but I don't to,
you know, I'm testing you, to I don't
know what the fuck I'm doing either. You
know? Like, oh, I was just playing and
this has become more serious than I anticipated.
Like
yeah.
No. That got serious quick. It always does.
Give me a second.
Give me a second. I will make it
serious. Okay. Let's go to the next one.
Okay. This is another long one. I've already
warned y'all. It's fine.
Is this a healthy form of masochism? I've
considered myself a masochist for a long time,
but now, that I'm thinking about it,
I'm
considered myself a masochist for a long time,
but now, that I'm thinking about it a
little more, I'm not sure if it's the
right term for what I'm feeling. Like most
people who would consider themselves masochists, my personal
enjoyment of pain is context dependent.
I'm sure all but a very small fraction
of masochists don't get excited when they stub
their toe or get a cold, for instance.
From what I've seen, most masochists enjoy various
forms of pain solely in a BDSM context,
and I'm no different in this regard.
Where I seem to diverge is that I've
seen a lot of subs describe pain or
being hurt as fun.
I've also seen a lot of doms find
alternative ways to punish their masochistic subs under
the assumption that including pain would render the
punishment null.
I don't find pain fun, in that sense
at least. I don't want to find pain
fun. I want to suffer, however. I want
to be in pain and experience things I
don't enjoy, specifically
for someone.
I crave pain only insofar as I can
make the person causing the pain happy.
My positive experiences
with receiving pain are less, air quote, fun
and more fulfilling.
My personal form of submission leans quite heavy
on service, and I view receiving pain through
that same lens. If someone slapped me, I
truly wouldn't like the pain, but I'd like
the smile they got on their face from
doing so.
A particularly memorable scene I've participated in was
one in which my top held back expressing
their happiness while donning me.
During the scene I became very emotionally distressed
and in the moment was having absolutely no
fun at all.
Once the scene had come to a close,
they reassured me that the distress they had
caused me made them very happy and it
was as if the entire scene went from
horrible to amazing in my memory. All my
suffering had been given meaning.
On a psychological level, I'm sure there is
some degree of regular old masochism occurring. I'm
enjoying the inherent unfairness and not having fun
just so someone else can can at my
expense. And all my favorite insults have been
things like pushover, doormat or other terms that
suggest I'm pathetic for accepting this unfairness
just to please someone.
I don't seem to find many other subs
like me, which makes me worry that what
I want isn't healthy, if it's a really
roundabout form of self harm or stems from
insecurity or something. I also have concerns about
whether or not many doms would even want
a sub like me. Community opinion here seems
to be that it's appreciated when submissives are
enthusiastic about receiving pain or otherwise excited at
the prospect of being hurt. I worry that
a potential partner would feel guilty for hurting
me since my appreciation of the pain is
less direct. Does anyone have any insight either
from being similar to me or knowing someone
who is? Many thanks. This person needs a
sadist who also wants to dom. But you
know what I mean? Yes. They need a
sadist who's gonna be like, yes. Right. They
they they do.
You know,
and and their fear that there's something wrong
with them, there's not. They just like what
they like. And they're very clear what they
like. And they know what they like. That's
very mentally healthy to be mentally solid. Yes.
Actually, that that is.
So, you know, no. I I don't
see a problem with that with with what
you're doing with what you like. You just
need to find the right person to do
it. Mhmm. And I have a feeling there
are probably more people
out there who
would be into it, would like it as
much as you do, or would find some
other
benefit or joy from it, even if it's
not a one to 1.
You know,
I am twofold on my masochism. There are
some types of pain I genuinely enjoy. Okay?
I like a deep thud. I like it
to feel like I'm getting that deep tissue
massage. I like certain
surface layer smacks that don't actually turn to
sting. I enjoy that sensation.
On the other hand, I accept sensations that
if you asked me if I wanted them,
I'm gonna tell you no. Why? Because for
me, it's about enduring. It's about taking what
JV can give me within my limits.
The if anytime I feel kind of down
about that, it's more that I feel bad
that I can't take more. Like I mentally
cannot let myself go there to handle
harder,
worse, whatever, whatever.
And that's that's just a me thing. JB's
like I get what I get and we're
good. Right? But
so there are all kinds of reasons
to,
be willing to accept the pain and then
take the label as masochist.
I do think that I don't know what's
more common.
You know, is it more common to say
you're having fun or you enjoy the pain?
Or
is that the and nothing we do in
BDSM is socially acceptable, but is it the
more socially acceptable way to describe your masochism?
Because most people, if they're not familiar with
sadism and masochism, or if you come across
a group that it's not a lot of
people into that who would label themselves that,
they get real weirded out when you're like,
yeah. I wanna suffer. I want you to
make it hurt. And for any reason other
than, oh, yeah. By the way, I really
enjoy it too.
And I also think I really enjoy it
too is a blanket statement that can mean
a whole hell of a lot of things.
When I say I'm having fun like sometimes
I'm having fun in the scene. We're laughing.
We're joking.
It hurts. I'm getting to squeal and dance
and that's
fun. And sometimes
in the scene, it's not fun. In the
scene, I'm like, I got to remember how
to breathe here. How long can I go?
How much can I take? Relax your body.
Relax your body. Relax your body. Right? Like,
I'm going through all that because I am
enduring something. I am purposefully allowing something
I do not find pleasant because the part
I'm enjoying and that I want and that
I will, you know, I can accept all
kinds of things in order to have is
the service, is the submission, is the knowing
I'm doing something that makes JV happy. Like,
there's all kinds of multilayered
reasons
that I think if you got into a
conversation with a masochist who was comfortable with
themselves could probably take you into those deep
layers of what they're getting from their masochism.
But when you're in a space where there's
probably gonna be more than like one person
going, oh my god. I'm a little scared
for you. Are sure are you sure this
isn't abuse?
You I think people put like a
like paint a nice picture of it. Oh
yeah. I'm having a good time, which is
true,
but that doesn't
necessarily mean you're describing what is fun for
you or why you're having a good time.
Right? Like, sometimes it's a sensation. Some they're
masochists who just fucking love the pain, and
they're like, bring it on.
And then sometimes it's, you know, it's it's
there's nuance to it or there are other
reasons that aren't necessarily getting shared.
You know? The way this person was describing
their masochism, even though it's not
how I experience my masochism
in the same way or all the time
there goes a kid texting now.
I it resonated with me because of the
reasons that I I can
let you
use toys I don't like, or hit so
hard that there's a handprint.
Look, he was spanking me this morning. It
hurt
like hell. It was not a sensation I
would invite into my little masochistic world.
But Let's just say it hurt my hand,
so I know it had to hurt you.
It was the connection. It was the being
pinned down. It was being rolled over so
you could get better access. It was the
marks I saw afterwards.
It was all of that. Mhmm. Right?
And, also, I I I handled that pain.
I took it. I didn't necessarily like it,
but I took it. And there was something
in in that for me as well. So
I think it's more that, you know, unless
you're in a space where you know
those kind of nuances and conversations about sadism
and masochism are welcome,
I think it's that what really happens is
most people only talk about it in a
surface level
way. Mostly to reassure everybody around them. No,
no, I'm not
being abused or letting somebody you know, you
kind of there's there's a lot of that
even in the BDSM community
where it's like, no, no, let me reassure
everybody around me because they don't like it
the way I like it, and this way
they won't give me weird looks or You
know what?
Rahra just in the in the chat mentioned,
you know, talked about what
masochism
means to her. Mhmm. And and, you know,
seeing that and
this person's question and everything,
I I bet dollars to donuts, if you
ask 10 masochists
what masochism means to them, you get 10
different answers.
So I agree. I agree. And I think
that's,
you know, I've and that would track with
me because if you ask somebody
multiple people about submission, you're gonna get multiple
different answers.
It's just we don't get enough people
talking in the in general BDSM spaces about
masochism or sadism. True. Because the thing that
will get
both non kingsters and just some kingsters looking
at you like you are, you know,
an abuser or a freak or whatever is
sadism and masochism.
Like
and yet on the other end of the
spectrum, there are plenty of kinksters who think
they're not kinky because they don't like pain.
Yeah. It's
You know, I I have said this so
many times.
You can be a submissive and not be
a masochist. You can be a masochist and
not have a submissive bone in your body.
Mhmm. Mhmm. K. And this but this person
even says that for them, it's part of
this their service to it, Or there's the
knowing that their partner was having a good
time even if they weren't. I love how
they were able to describe that in the
moment of a scene,
they were, like,
they were worried. They were this. They were
that. And then the moment they knew that
their partner was, like, oh, yeah. That was
good. It shifted in their mind for them.
That's And see, I can I can relate
to that because,
you know, whenever
I'm
I I look for that? I look for
that reaction.
Mhmm. So that you know that you're not
the only one enjoying this. Right. Yeah. Yeah.
Silence says the best. How about we just
stop trying to put everything into neat little
boxes?
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I I we would
have to, like, stop being human because apparently
our brains are just try to do that
naturally. So you do have to go against
your wiring a little bit. Some people do
that,
But I think it's just recognizing that there's
nuance. So we have to use these
bigger words,
broader categories,
to try and, like, fit ourselves into if
we choose to do so.
But those broad categories
don't have a single simplified definition.
Although they do have a broad definition, but
what that means there's so much nuance into
what those that definition means. To like pain
does not mean that necessarily
that you're like, hot damn. Bring on this
pain. There's something you like about it or
some purpose it serves,
And the best word most of us have
is masochist. Mhmm. So Yeah.
Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna be I'm liking these
so far, but
I'm not ranting yet. No. I need somebody
to piss me off. No.
Okay.
Oh, no. This one will probably do it.
Okay. I remember this one. Like, I may
have, you know, hope prospects here.
I I've I've bigged it up about how
I need to rant. That's how I know
I probably won't rant.
Okay. I was talking to my partner about
the nature of the DS relationship and he
said some things that disturbed me. We're ready.
A sub by Practice and Nature, 38 female.
I like to think I'm familiar with DS
dynamics. However, my partner, 43 Male, said some
things recently that have me wondering if I'm
mistaken
or if this goes beyond being dominant and
is indicative of potentially damaging behavior.
My understanding is that the Dom's power only
extends as far as the sub is willing
to relinquish that power. I also understand the
euphoria of being lost in subspace, completely letting
go and having absolute trust that while your
Dom may push your boundaries, they will always
keep you safe. The freedom in that trust
is bliss. It's almost sacred.
To me, that should come with the understanding
that there
are boundaries that should never be crossed with
the sub. Yes, safe words keep that boundary
in check, but I like the comfort in
knowing that my Dom would never, intentionally,
push me me so far as to have
to use it. I also want the security
in knowing that the safe word will be
respected if used during a scene.
That means establishing those boundaries well before engaging
in any play.
The other night, while having a conversation with
my partner, I expressed concern that I fear
he wouldn't respect my boundaries.
There are absolute no go's for me during
sex.
During
sex,
actions that if knowingly crossed would lead me
to heavily consider leaving the relationship.
I told him explicitly what those things were.
Don't choke me until I black out. Don't
hit me in the face. And don't spit
in my mouth. I also mentioned cutting me,
later in the conversation.
His response,
That just makes me want to black you
out, hit you in the face and spit
in your mouth.
As a sub, you don't get to nitpick
about every little thing the dom does like
don't pull my hair, don't pinch my butt.
In my mind, this isn't him wanting a
DS relationship. I see no exchange of power
in this scenario. I read that as him
wanting absolute, unchecked control.
Basically,
I understood his response as you don't get
to tell me what I can or cannot
do to you. I decide where the line
is. I made the correlation that
if this is his idea of fantasy play,
he may also desire to obtain that same
level of control in other aspects of our
relationship. The
implications of toxicity and abuse that can stem
from this mindset
scared me. I was visibly
upset.
He explained that he isn't telling me I
don't have the power to say no.
Only that within the DS dynamic power exchange
comes from the sub giving control to the
dom and they have to trust the dom.
That pushing the sub's comfort level is the
point. He said, I misunderstood what he was
telling me and I was self sabotaging the
relationship by drawing irrational conclusions.
Him equating being choked till I pass out
to having my hair pulled was dismissive, and
I felt he was mocking me. It makes
me think he doesn't respect my boundaries, and
I shouldn't trust him anymore in any regards.
Did I fundamentally misinterpret the nature of a
DS relationship? Do I have a right to
be concerned? Give me a second. I need
to say this. Okay. Go right ahead.
Why do so many clearly intelligent human beings
who can see nuance and discuss these things
so fucking clearly
then get to the end and go, but
wait, is it just me?
You you have so much strength in you
to outline this, to know what the fuck
you want, to know what is acceptable.
Do not gaslight yourself at the fucking end.
You've already figured it out. Yeah. You already
know the answer. You didn't disregard shit. You're
not a dumbass. You see it. Throw that
motherfucker
To the curb. Away away away away.
Yeah. That that's some serious,
serious stuff there. She's she is not incorrect
about what her
idea of of of DS should be.
Yeah. He you know.
Wow.
I mean, the
the scary thing is Mhmm.
He put it all out there. He literally
said, I'm gonna do the thing you said
I couldn't do, and I should have the
control. He literally just labeled himself. He just,
like, didn't just hold the red flag. He,
like, did a little, like,
a guard trick on the marching band field
with the flag. Like, he's doing a show.
He's in a parade with the flag, and
it's a bouquet of flags. Like, the moment
you tell me I can't do it, well,
now that's all I wanna
do. You are a scary motherfucker, and nobody
should be within a fucking mile of you.
Right. Because you are clearly untrustworthy.
Even if it was said as a as
a joke, it's a bad joke. It's it's
not how you maintain trust. It's not a
responsible thing to say.
Clearly, she did not take it as a
joke. Right.
Oh my I like and the
I hate this. The red flags don't shock
me anymore because
God knows they're so fucking prevalent.
And even
her reaction and the questions she ended up
asking at the end don't shock
me, but they make me
so sad.
I I get it when it's somebody who,
you know, is when they're describing their issue,
it's a very surface level sort of understanding
of power exchange, or maybe they're super super
new, or they only know what this partner
has told them, and they haven't gotten far
enough to like,
you know Or maybe they're just really young
and don't have a lot of life experience
yet to like, you know, be able to
see some things because of other things I've
experienced.
This person was so clear and so thoughtful
and so,
like, knew her fucking self, knew what submission
was for her, knew what power like, she's
describing in my mind, like, textbook classic healthy
fucking power exchange. Get to the red flag
bullshit of
fucking power exchange.
Get to the red flag bullshit abusive part.
Say how angry she is,
but then because of
her her own life experiences, this motherfucker,
I don't know,
gaslights herself
and goes, am I misunderstanding?
No, baby. You know.
You know what you know, and I need
you to have the confidence
to tell this motherfucker to kiss your ass
and then take the principles that you know
within yourself or what power exchange ought to
be for you, and then go find somebody
who can meet those expectations and then fucking
exceed them. Because quite frankly,
meets expectations is perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong
with that. But the the best time I've
had in my life is when you get
somebody who'll exceed those expectations and actually be
better than you fucking expected them to be.
It could be because the bar for,
doms and, frankly, men quite in many cases
is in hell. But, you know, when you
leap over that bar,
some of us are very impressed with it.
Gold gold star, gold medal, pens across the
board. I don't know.
But that that's the part that pisses me
off. I can't even be I'm not happy
with the red flags that that motherfucker is.
I motherfucker get the fuck away. I hate
you. But
I'm more upset about how that somebody who
is that articulate about what power exchange means
to them and what submission is to them
could still get twisted up and question herself
and think that she has somehow misunderstood something.
Mhmm.
Excuse me. Oh.
Anything else you would like to add?
No.
My cheeks are flushed. My cheeks are flushed.
Okay.
This one,
I'm not sure how I feel about the
question. Okay. Because
let me just get into it. It's a
shorter one, actually.
Why is every sub I meet the same?
Is this a universal experience? How do I
make it stop?
Okay. I, female 20, am a switch. I've
dated doms. I've dated subs. And I've dated
switches. I'm also bi. Trigger warning. Brief mention
of mental health? Every time I date a
sub or are in the talking stages I
get a dramatic message about how they have
mental health issues and need me to be
with them where they can't live etcetera.
I decided not to date subs again.
Recently I met a sub and gave him
a chance. He did the same,
thing as everyone else. Why is this the
case? Am I doing something that screams, Yes.
Put your mental health responsibilities
on my head? Don't worry about any of
my problems. Just yours?
I've never had this with someone who's not
sub. I've had it probably 5 to 6
times now with people that are submissive,
more specifically men. I'm a people pleaser and
don't wanna hurt his feelings more. I don't
know how to respond to him. Can anyone
give me some advice?
I'm not gonna negate this person's experience. I
will just go ahead and say, no. This
is not a universal experience because there's no
such thing as a
experience. Yeah. No. It's it's it's not. But
this person has clearly had it way too
often.
Mhmm.
And and, you know, I
for me, I I would tend to
look inward.
Mhmm.
And, you know,
why am I
attracting the same Why is the same person
showing up over and over again? Yeah. You
know, what what is going on here?
What do I need to change? Or what
are the similarities between those people? Not just
submissives. That is clearly a similarity. Not even
just men. Is there an age factor? Is
it
from a specific kind of community that you'd
you are a part of? Like, what's your
what what's the pond you're fishing from here?
Because there I think there may be more
similarities and then part of what helps is
you go, okay. Well, I don't know who
my type is, but I whom I know
who my type is not. And this is
the list of criteria that I will probably
avoid until given a reason not to. Yeah.
I agree with you though. Like, there comes
a point where if if you're meeting the
same type of person over and over again,
that means you are being drawn to the
same type of person over and over again.
What's happening there? Right.
I don't
I will never say
something is all or none. It is some.
Clearly in this, I I'm not gonna invalidate
their experience. They've gone through this. I think
there are some
people
who use
and we know this to be true because
we have to rail against it every so
often. They use BDSM as therapy. Not to
be therapeutic,
but as therapy.
They want somebody to maybe in submissive perspective,
they want somebody to control them because they
don't think they can control themselves.
And there can be
some temporary benefit to that. There can be
assuming that other parts of your life are,
like, you kind of can handle it and
there's just maybe there's just some facet of
life that you are struggling with and
you can enter into an ethical and safe
and healthy power exchange relationship and get that
support, but that is that's And,
you know, I I remember
it goes back quite a few years now,
but,
you know, there there were there was a
time there were
a few doms
that I knew that,
you know, would openly say,
and and these, let me let me clarify
this a little bit before I go too
much further. These were folks who were tops.
Mhmm. Okay?
And
and a number they had been approached a
number of times,
for subs to ask for help with their
mental health,
and they refused to do it. Mhmm.
And their reasoning behind it was the fact
that,
you know, you cannot put that responsibility on
somebody else. Mhmm. Okay? God forbid anything happens
Right. You know, that that's on our shoulders.
If you are taking the steps and doing
the work,
I will support you. Right. Right. Right. Okay?
After we've developed some level of relationship and
some level of rapport and some level of
trust with one another. I mean, that's the
other thing. Like,
to support somebody
in their mental health needs, if you choose
to do that, if you are in the
right place and want to do that.
That's not like the person you just met
in the DMs yesterday. Like, that's not how
that works. That's
please. That should not be how that works.
Right? Like,
that support comes from places of mutual trust
and and
some level of affection. It doesn't have to
be love. It doesn't have to be sexual.
Just you care about each other,
and typically it's because
you have a sense that you will support
them in this, and there may come a
time that they will support you in that,
whatever that happens to be.
I would say that for this particular person
or anybody who's kind of coming across the
same
I would call this a red flag. Anybody
who's starting the power exchange process by going,
I need you to take care of me
and fix me. Like, that's a red flag.
That's
that you know, we don't talk about the
things that subs do that
throw up red flags very often. We do
have it way back in the archive,
but this is one of them. Like,
we don't we don't just go up to
a person we just met and go fix
me. Make me better. Do this for me.
Right? Like, no. No. No. Yeah. And and
that then is not even DS. No. God,
no. It's not. I mean, we've gone from
turning that person into a kink dispenser, you
know, that's what instead of that being what
the dominochop is, they're just a therapist, and
that's not their job. That's not how any
of this fucking works. Now for this particular
person,
you know, we're we're talking about, okay, what
are the other similarities between the folks that
you're attracting? What are, you know where are
you how all those things. Yeah. Yeah. But
the other thing is the conversations
to weed folks out. Like, you can't stop
somebody from approaching you with that energy. Like,
you know, you could even put it in
your bio. We know people don't read bios,
right?
But the kind of conversations
that might be necessary just to weed folks
out and get a sense of is this
the message I'm gonna get in the middle
of the night tomorrow,
is to see what their understanding of power
exchange is. Most of the time these folks
have a very superficial
understanding of power exchange. They literally think their
dom is supposed to just take care of
them. They can turn off their brain. They
never have to actually
do anything again other than what their dom
wants them to do. And, yes, you can
negotiate
something like that, but
that's that's not just what power exchange is,
quote unquote.
So if you're having to kind of weed
through of who do I even give my
attention to,
you know, once you get past the, hey.
How are you? Yeah. So whatever whatever. I
don't know how to do small talk and
opening conversations.
Start, you know, figuring out what they think
they know about power exchange. And if it
stays really superficial
and the vibe, you know, you don't they
all and they potentially fit other markers of,
wait, I I've seen this show before.
I know how this ends.
Then you know, like, okay. Let's keep moving
on. This isn't this isn't worth, you know,
exploring.
Baby Got A Bubble? Yeah. Yeah. But yeah.
You know, I the
everyone
always
first of all, is it, or does it
just feel that way? If it is
Mhmm. Yeah, what pond are you fishing in?
Because Yeah. There's some there's some similarities
drawing.
Yeah. And You know, the same kind of
folks. I I kind of think of it
as, you know, the the, definition of insanity.
Mhmm. Doing the same thing over and over
again expecting different results. Yeah. You know? And
and that's why I say, I think this
is one of those times where they need
to maybe sit back and kinda introspect and
change what they're doing a little bit, and
that might be Mhmm. And in this case,
at the very end, they say I'm a
people pleaser. Don't wanna hurt his feelings more.
I don't know how to respond to them.
I think that the response can be as
simple as,
that's not what I'm looking for. I hope
you find what you are looking for.
There are times, depending on how far you've
gone in the conversation
I'm not a fan of ghosting. Just, you
know, have the hard conversations. But there are
times when
you have not established a relationship with somebody
yet.
They're just in your DMs probably.
You don't owe them anything.
You do not owe them anything. You know,
once you've gotten to a negotiation
standpoint, maybe you've met in person,
something a little deeper But but right off
the bat, that was a full sentence.
And quite frankly, it's okay to go, yeah.
No. I'm not doing that. Mhmm.
I hope you, you know, find what you're
looking for and then be done. And then
and then if you need to, and maybe
preemptively, it's okay if you do it preemptively,
block them. You don't have to have them
in your inbox. You don't have to have
them on your phone. You don't have to
have them in your life if
you're not going to move forward with anything.
So yeah. I think coming up with you
know, I get it as I'm a people
pleaser. I get it. Coming up with kind
of a script to have, which can be
simple as, no. I'm not doing that.
And then, you know, that's not being rude.
That's not being mean. That's being direct, and
that
is a great form of communication
in life and in BDSM.
So just have it ready at the go
if you need it for anything for anything
that you're like, this is this isn't what
I want. I'm not this
but also I think I think they're already
figuring out in that we've we've kind of
touched on this in the past, usually when
I'm ranting, so I probably don't make a
lot of sense.
But
there we have to have every one of
us who is trying to meet people in
any sort of way, you have to have
your own mental or physical list
of who you want versus who you don't
want. And I don't mean
down to how tall they are, the color
of their eyes, color of their skin. Like,
that's not what I'm talking about.
There are too many people in the world
who have access to all of us through
social media and different platforms at all times,
especially if you're looking for a partner. Yeah.
It's like drinking from a fucking
fire hose. Right?
So you have to create some kind of
template, some kind of criteria, some kind of,
there's a term I want and I can't
think of it, but it's like a shorthand.
Right? Where you can look at somebody's profile
and go, yeah. That's not for me. That's
not for me. That doesn't mean there's anything
wrong with them. That doesn't mean they're, you
know The best numbers for you. They're not
for you, and then you you make those
split second decisions based on a few details
you see. Does that mean that you potentially,
you know, moved on from somebody who could
have been an amazing yeah. I mean, yeah.
But that's always fucking true. You could be
walking past somebody in the grocery store that
in another life could have been your best
friend, but you were in the grocery store
and we don't talk to strangers. Like, I
mean, that's just the nature of it. There
are 8,000,000,000
fucking people on the planet.
There's always more than one
who we will vibe with, but there's too
many of them coming at us online.
So you have to create that system in
your own head for who's gonna get your
attention, who's not.
If you are finding
that there is some consistency
in the people you are giving your attention
to, meaning something negative, that's red flags you
keep coming up against, it's this kind of
response from submissives, it's something consistent,
then it's time to go deeper and go,
okay.
Is the shorthand I'm using for how to,
like,
filter through people, is that it's the filter.
That's the filter you have. Right?
Is is there something broken in my filter?
Am I filtering through
the wrong people for me? How do I
but the you know, there's a lot of
debate online about having preferences and, you know,
the the line between a preference being fetishizing
and or prejudiced. Right? And that is not
the we this is not the time for
that conversation. That's way too fucking nuanced.
But
there's a wide ass spectrum between fetishizing somebody
and being bigoted against them in terms of
your preference for them. The vast majority of
us fall somewhere in the middle where we're
just fine to find trying to find people
we vibe with. That's all we're trying to
do. And you have to have some level
of preference because
everybody isn't for everybody.
It's just not how life works. And there's
too many damn people coming at us all
the damn time, especially if you're on apps
where the whole purpose is. And I don't
know which direction are you supposed to swipe,
left or right? I don't know. Never fucking
done it before. Don't wanna do it. Those
of you who do it,
you are, you know, God's favorite soldiers because
I swear to God I couldn't fucking do
it.
I'm sorry. Anytime somebody's like, how do you
meet somebody? I'm like, well, you're gonna have
to start a sex blog and you're gonna
have to put your tits on the Internet.
It's the only way I know how to
do it. Okay.
Alternatively,
you can have a podcast, but then that
gets weird because then there's this audience
content creator. This is weird.
But, yeah, I just no. It's it's okay
to have preferences
and to filter through people based on those
preferences.
Okay.
Last one.
This one is also, I think, one for
you as well as as our resident dom.
Okay. It's another long one.
I just started doming, and I feel like
I'm a monster.
My boyfriend confessed he was into subdom relationships,
and he basically gave me a few hard
lines. He said he want wanted to sort
of explore everything and decide what he likes
with me as a partner. We have the
color code and we have various safe words
for different things.
We change a play style, give a break,
you know, whatever it might be. We have
discussed consent significantly.
And I
have had several conversations with him outside of
play, trying to understand what it is like
for him, making sure he's okay, everything.
I grew up in an abusive household and
I very specifically chose to not repeat generational
trauma. I got my degree in psychology. I
teach healthy communication classes. I volunteer at the
women's center and help people write up statements
for courts. It involves a lot of comforting
and empathy. I work as a mentor with
kids.
Everyone knows me and I know myself as
someone who is super kind and willing to
give. I go out of my way to
be the good in the world I want
to see.
With that being said,
it is terrifying how good I am at
doming. Her first DS session.
I got him into Subspace. Our second try,
I had him there for 30 minutes. He
told me it usually takes a month for
normal doms to get him where I got
him in a day.
I say the filthiest things. I have slapped
him, spit on him, choked him, taken degrading
photos of him. I have stared him dead
in the eyes and have told him how
worthless he is. In my defense, he absolutely
loves it and melts. I can see the
excitement behind his eyes as he has no
idea what I'll do next.
I've never seen this side of myself before.
I didn't know it was there. I feel
like I shouldn't continue my volunteer work now
that I know I have so much darkness
inside of me. I'm genuinely scared.
In a weird way, I see myself when
I look at him as a sub. It
is so fucking beautiful to see him completely
vulnerable and desperate. I take him through these
crazy scenes and then I gently ask him
if he's ready to come out of subspace.
After that, I kiss every inch of his
face. I tell him I adore him. I
end up being the big spoon and hold
him against my chest. He keeps asking for
more. He tells me how insanely good it
is and how desperate he is for more.
I just don't know what to do. I
am off the rails. I made him wear
my panties to work and send me pictures.
I've hit him, choked him, made him clean
my feet with his tongue. I have said
so many insults. It's insane.
I was given consent, but I have made
it such a part of my personality to
never let that out. I thought it wasn't
there. Now I know I just repress everything
cruel.
Do any other doms feel this way? How
do you balance yourself? Is there a better
way to think about this? Yes. Giving somebody
some something they want and are actively asking
for and are enjoying every second of it
is the, antithesis
of cruelty, quite frankly. Yeah.
First off, let me welcome you to the
dark side. Also, can we, like, negotiate a
scene? Because some of that sounded really fucking
hot. I'm so sorry.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
You know, we have great cookies.
Yep. Yep. The dark side does do cookies
the best. And and, you know, no. You
are not a monster.
We all have darkness.
Everybody. Yeah. You can't have the light without
the darkness. You you know, we we we
all have dark sides,
and and I think this in a way
is, you know, how we light it out
to play. And also, their darkness is not
inherently badness.
It's just a side that the whole world
can't see, is not allowed to see, shouldn't
see. Mhmm.
And,
I I have to say I,
feel a a bit of camaraderie with this.
I thought of you when I was reading
this. You know with with this person,
from the background that they
that they came from.
So yeah. I I can,
very strongly
relate to that,
but no. None of that does not make
a monster, because
the fact that you are questioning whether it
makes you a monster,
tells me that you have
moral safeguards.
Yes. Yes. Okay. Mhmm. The fact that you
know that in any other circumstance this would
be bad Right.
Is necessary to this. Right? You do this
only with consent. You do this only because
your partner really enjoys it. And you were
clearly enjoying it until
your wonky moral compass kind of like it
it sounds like both the shit you went
through and the shit you've seen that were
actual abuse.
It's hard to separate
it just by the
action of consent but that is what fucking
separates it. It's the pleasure and consent that
somebody gets. The fact that you will stop.
You understand abuse. You know abusers don't fucking
stop just because you said something.
You will and do and probably have would
never go beyond those bounds. Right?
You are already proving that you are the
opposite of any abuser. You are giving your
partner exactly what they want, what they've asked
for, what they enjoy. You stop when you
know you need to stop. You're checking in
with them. You're taking care of them afterwards.
Oh my god. Yeah. They they have safe
words. They use the the color codes system.
Care. Like, that's beautiful aftercare.
I'll take some of that myself. I will
big spoon you any day, daddy. I know
you will.
I cannot
I can't speak from
experience here. I cannot imagine
what it must be like to both be
the victim of abuse and to help people
who have been abused
and also
then do actions that with no context
from the outside looking in
within your own mind you have associated with
abuse,
that has to be a mind fuck. That
has to be a mind fuck.
But I know.
There there are ways to navigate it because
people have gone through that kind of thing
in their past and found BDS. And there
are and there are times that I ask
myself that too,
you know, be because of where I came
from. You know, where is this coming from?
Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay? You know, what what is
behind this? Is this just
what it is? You know, and it or
is there
something,
you know, hidden behind there that that's pushing
this? And,
you know, I I like to think that
I I like how that person can you
bring it back up? Oh, sure. Please and
thank you.
You know, I I like how they
they talk about the things that they did
to take it back. Yeah. You know, that
they they went into, you know, to
study psychology and, you know, helps kids and
and does that. That that is fantastic.
That is fantastic.
You know, take it back. I mean, one
of the things that that
oh, I can't I don't know where to
Did did your clumsy hamster fall off your
Yeah. I have to climb the wheel. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
You I you feel this personally because you
have gone through some version of this. And
I know in the past you've talked about
several times about part of what helped you
reconcile your sadism, which I think still comes
falls under all of this,
is hearing that,
the the other side of the slash enjoys
it, wants it, requests it. Yeah. And there's
a way to stop it. That is
you know,
it's a simplification.
Right. And I'm not a fan of simplifications,
but for the purpose of this discussion, because
the nuances are gonna be difficult and maybe
even triggering, and I'd rather not go there
for anybody.
The simplification
is the reason BDSM gets such a bad
rap is because from the outside with no
context, yes, it appears abusive. Because that's that's
without the context. That's without that's without knowing
anything. Yeah. Unfortunately, it's it's a side effect
to the fact that
when that happens, that's what makes the news.
That also does. I mean, yeah, the media
perpetuates it. Yeah. But
once you're in it, in this case, you
are inside of it. You are no longer
on the outside looking in. You are in
the middle of it, and what you have
literally described is probably,
I don't know, 75 to 80 percent of
submissive's, like, fucking dreams. Not what you've done,
but the way you're doing it. The fact
that your submissive is so happy. The fact
that your submissive is craving more.
There are plenty of us on that side
of the slash who are like, where do
I sign up for this magic? Because that
sounds delightful. You are literally giving your partner
what they ask for and that you are
willing to do. You're having a good time.
It's the dichotomy in your brain.
And I would imagine it's because there is
some part of you, even if it's on
a subconscious level you're not consciously thinking of,
there's some part of you that says,
BDSM is abuse
because the activities
mirror abuse.
They mirror it when you have, like, when
you have zero nuance, when you don't know
what you're looking at, when you're when you
don't take into
account the the bottom or the sub's
joy and pleasure. Right? And those are the
things that separate it from abuse. Consent,
communication,
the willingness to stop, the pleasure both sides
of the slash are receiving.
We all know that in abuse,
at least half of that dynamic
is miserable.
Right? Like that's that's what abuse is. So
I'm not saying I can just say this
and somebody can go, Oh, now I think
differently. No. No. No.
I think to the extent that this person
feels comfortable with it,
it's time to,
online or in person, find community.
Get to know other people.
Quite frankly, some of
the kindest people, the most the people who
give
back the most, who sometimes do the most
for others, are kinksters
for all kinds of reasons. Whether it's your
background, whether it's just your giving nature, whatever
whatever. I think this person needs to find
some level of community
so that
being a dom can be as long as
it's something she wants to continue to do,
can be a little normalized for her. And
so that she can ask questions of other
people who have already wrestled with these things.
You know? There's no simple answer to tell
somebody how to wrestle with it, how to,
you know, see it differently. You know, what
what,
mental blocks you have to overcome because it's
gonna be different for everybody.
You know, the thing this person I don't
think can know and understand, because they probably
have not lived through this part of the
kink experience,
is that the fact that you're even asking,
the fact that you even worry about it
the abusers don't fucking worry about anything. They're
not worried about you. They're not worried about
their partner.
You are, which already puts you leaps and
bounds from
Because it those those things are things you
think about. Even when we first got together
and we were starting to build our our
power exchange, you know, I told you one
of the concerns I have right up front
is that, you know, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Right. And and, you know,
how do I keep myself in check? Right.
You know? Because it's the responsibility
of being a dom, a top, or whatever.
But those yeah. Those are things I I
have thought of. Mhmm. You know? Yeah. I
would be a little concerned if Dom's top
sadists aren't having at least a moment of
wrestling with the idea of wait, wait, wait.
Yeah. In another context, I could go to
jail for this. Like, if you're not wrestling
with it, what
I'm I'm scared for you. Yeah. You should
have at least a moment of pause of
wait. Is this really okay? Am I okay?
Are they okay? There's nothing wrong with thinking
that, you know. We are raised, most of
us, in a society that says don't don't
purposely hurt people.
In BDSM, some of us are like, please,
Jesus, God, purposely hurt me. I'm begging you.
Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, to to some people in
DS, you know, their their
bruises are badges of honor.
You saw my face light up when I
talked about him. Yeah. You did. Handprints. So
yeah. I I get where this person's coming
from. I hope,
she finds
the support system, the community,
hears the right thing from her submissive something
that allows it to click in her head
for her, what what the true difference is.
Because
there's nothing wrong with wrestling with it. I'm
I'm
I admire people. I think you should wrestle
with it. Right?
But
to wrestle with it means you're coming from
a place of, oh, BDSM is inherently abusive.
And it's until you
make change that understanding in your own brain
on us all the way down to a
subconscious level where you're not thinking about it.
You just know. Mhmm. You know? Yeah.
Yeah.
One good rant. Well, technically, 2 good no.
One good rant. 2 good rants. I don't
know. Yes.
I don't know what to say about all
of that.
We're done. No.
That was the last one. Okay.
That's all I got. I don't know. Mhmm.
I don't know.
So,
are we good?
You should not ask me that.
Keep it kinky, y'all. And
will see you next week.
Oh, that's right. Yeah.
I don't What? Don't I don't have to
I don't have anything to write down.
Like, I'm gonna wait here patiently.
Program kicked the bucket. Why is he not
writing down numbers like he does? No. No
numbers to write down. No numbers to write
down. Okay.
This is gonna be a fun edit after
you pull the audio. Well, the
the the part that's gonna, like, probably really
suck is to get the video to pull
the audio. Yeah. That's the part that's gonna
suck.
I see,
me learning
Some new skills? New skills and new programs
just to get will the podcast episode come
out
at midnight on Friday? I don't know. Yeah.
I don't know. Yeah. We shall see. This
this is
I'm not at the point of being frustrated
or overwhelmed
or, like, at the end of my rope,
that kind of thing. But this does feel
like an
just one
of
the sprinkles on a a heavily sprinkled birthday
cake on the icing of chaos. Like,
every
day
in January
has had something
chaotic. Mhmm. Like, we got a couple days
where it was quiet. We hadn't come back
to work yet. We were just chilling. Life
was good. And then it was like the
moment we said, okay.
We're ready to face 2025
now.
Every
fucking
day. And that's not even to mention what's
happening outside of our house and in the
world around us. Yeah. I,
yeah. I I don't disagree with you.
I
feel like I've already lived
the whole year of 2025.
Yeah. Yeah. This is the longest month. But,
you know, you're you're not wrong. There there
is there there's been
some form of chaos
going on, but there's also been a lot
of good Yeah. We've had happening this month
Yeah. In our personal life. Yeah. You know?
And I a good portion of it we'll
be talking about in the Patreon Bonus. Yeah.
Bonus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But,
silent, I will let you. Silent's offering to
get the audio so easily. I will let
you. I will thank you. Thank you. Thank
you. Yeah. So
but,
I don't know. We're we're doing good. It's,
we actually have a warm day today. I
know. It's in the low seventies.
It's a like, it's a beautiful Florida day
as Florida should be. Right. As the myth,
every one of us has been sold about
Florida, and it is genuinely a myth, not
just Yeah. From a climate perspective, but
from an everything else perspective.
Yeah.
From an everything else perspective. I may even
open the windows a little bit after this.
Oh, we need to because the house needs
to be aired out. It needs to be
aired. And it's actually colder in here than
it is outside.
This house holds a temperature really, really hot.
Once it gets to a certain temperature, it
does hold it. Mhmm.
That's a good thing when it's cold outside
and you walk in and it's nice and
warm and the heat hasn't been on for
an age.
It's disconcerting when you walk outside and it's,
like, there's the temperature's super off. Like, it
it was chilly yesterday, day before. I don't
know. It wasn't cold by any means, but
it was, like, there was a chill in
the air. And then I walked in the
house and it was cold
in the air. Like, we had turned on
the air. I was like, what is happening
here?
So Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. There's just I don't think I've had
a full
I'm I'm trying to be better in 2025
to to
most of the time to only do Monday
through Friday for
work, which kind of keeps me on task
even though I'm fighting myself about to do
lists. I don't know. Probably I don't know.
And so, you know, by giving myself an
artificial deadline, because clearly I control my own
work life,
I get more weekends. You know, we get
more rest.
Right? And it's not gonna work all the
time. We're self employed and sometimes you are
working 80 hours in a week. That's just
what you're doing.
But
I don't think I've had a full
uninterrupted
able to focus on the day work day
since we came back from break. Every day
has had something. It's either had there's been
an appointment to take somebody to.
I don't know why January was when we
had to do all the things, but we
did all the things. We're doing them all
in January. Or there's phone calls to make
or there's, like,
personal life fires to put out or there's
research to do on something. It's like,
I just can I just have a day
where I'm allowed to just work?
Like,
I
I crave routine. I thrive with routine. I
need
routine, and I have not had a good
routine
yet for the month of January.
And that's not even when I start talk
when I start thinking about how I can
get myself caught up in
doomscrolling
in the name of trying to feel like
I am informed about the world.
We made
personal decisions about how we would stay informed
and guard our own mental health
now and for the next 4 years to
the extent that we can.
And so I try to be really mindful
of where I'm getting news from, and I
try to be mindful of what my algorithms
are trying to feed me and then try
to engage with the stuff I really wanna
see. But, man,
your algorithm will be algorithming. And I'm like,
I wasn't trying to see all this stuff
and now I'm terrified I don't like to
go hide under the bed.
I'm not gonna do that. But can I
can I just see
some cute cats and some precious dogs? That's
all I wanna see on the Internet right
now.
So
yeah.
Yeah. I would just like I would just
like a day
where it's just it's a day and I
put I put my, like, clothes I don't
mind getting dusty and dirty on, and I
come into the office and I work. And
I work until it's time to eat lunch,
and then I have a lunch, and then
I go back to my desk, and then
I work some more. And then around dinner
time, I go, I think I shall be
done for the day. And then I'm just
fucking done. That's that's the the dream.
And since we came back from break, I
don't think I've had that. Now the 1st
week we came back,
I was living the dream that was a
lie because
I was segmenting my day. Like, the morning
was all kinkery stuff. That's all I did.
The afternoon was all the other shit I
do. Wednesdays were just loving BDSM. It was
perfect.
I kind of got that demarcation in my
work for 1 week in the middle of
all the chaos. 1 week. I haven't had
it since.
Not since.
I don't know. I don't know.
I saw,
several things right at the New Year. People
were talking about how if we kind of
followed the natural calendar,
not the art the one no. The one
we live under, but, like, nature's calendar. Yeah.
New Year would really be, like, in the
March time frame and not, like, for Northern
Hemisphere folks, dead of fucking winter. Yeah.
And I was like, I kinda could get
behind that because But didn't they just,
celebrate Chinese New Year? I think that's happening
or about to happen. Okay. Lunar New Year.
Yeah. Year of the snake, if I remember.
Oh, really? Okay. I always forget what year
I am. Maybe year of the horse? I
can't remember. I need to go look.
So yeah.
Yeah. It's just I'm just I want things
to
thank god I happen to both remember that
I have a doctor's appointment next week and
that I could get to the website to
confirm the date because
I was like, I
I think I have a doctor's appointment next
week, but there's nothing on the calendar. But
there was Lola's doctor's appointment next week, and
there was the kids' something something. I can't
remember what he's got going on. We're doing
something with him. And then I think there
was something that maybe you were going to
do. I was like, oh, shit. Did and
we only have one car now. Remember? Like,
oh, shit. Thankfully
thankfully, it does not conflict. It does not
conflict because that's not an appointment I can
reschedule. That appointment's been made for a year.
The Dyna College's office is not one you
just call up and you get in Yeah.
Like, even in the same week.
So yeah. I was like,
Yeah. I just
I don't know. Maybe maybe this is just
the nature of things,
and nothing will be calm again, maybe ever.
I don't know. Maybe maybe we're all destined
for chaos.
I don't know. I don't know. But I
just
Yeah.
I know.
So I've been
escaping
reality,
currently
reading
a vampire
y
choose. They kind of have the same sex
over and over again. There's been I think
there's a 4th person who will be
part of the female main character's, like,
group,
but her her first three don't like this
one. They don't trust him. And, also, he's
he thinks he's destined to die. And I'm
in the last 45 minutes of this 4
book series,
But it those
the storytelling
is so rich
that I actually have overlooked
way more
grammatical errors than I would prefer to see
in a book.
And the fact that the sex is kind
of always the same.
And
this is one of those situations where,
first time,
double penetration
and she's never done anal, but man that
giant like forearm sized cock sure as shit
got in there
like going down a slip and slide.
And you know, I did read 1 series.
I cannot remember, y'all know my brain is
about books. I did read 1 series where
part of the world building, the magic,
allowed you to, like, do a spell and
relax that shit so you didn't have to
have painful anal sex. I was like, cool.
You built it into the world. You're consistent
with it. I can accept it. Use magic.
I think the real world would love to
have that kind of magic. Right. But when
it's more of a,
oh, yeah. Yeah. She's never done this before.
She's actually
practically a virgin because the first time she
ever had sex was like 5 pages ago.
But it's just all you need to do.
And she's
the way
the way her
desire,
the wetness is described,
she should be carrying around a water bottle
way more than dripping. It's dri and and
the way these men coming in her is
described because they're all they're all massive. Right?
Like, so big you mostly are like, get
the fuck away from me because I'm not
trying to get internal energy injuries.
But apparently,
they ejaculate
so much that it's always on her thighs
while they're still inside of her.
I okay. I clearly have not ignored all
of that, but the still the world building
and the actual story of the conflict they're
trying to resolve
is so good
that I roll my eyes, but then I
keep on rolling because I gotta get to
the end of the story. How does how
does this all work out? Does the baddie
no. It was not written by a man.
It was not silent.
No. No. And I've read another
series by this author where the world building
was
amazing. Like you could I'm a romance girly.
Please be fucking in the pages of a
book I'm reading.
The the
story and the world was so good. You
could have taken all the romance out. I'd
have kept reading it and would have fucking
loved it. That I mean, this author is
good at that, but
it's the downside of when you read somebody's
entire series back to back. No breaks. No
time to, like, kind of forget. Because I
see all the patterns and I see all
the repeats and I see the habits that
writer has of how they describe shit. And
I'm like,
that's a lot of come in between her
thighs
every time. Are they over hydrating? What is
happening?
Why is
she sopping, sopping wet?
Like every time her her under underwear being
wet. Okay. I've been there. Her pants?
She's wearing jeans and soaked through? That's a
medical condition. You need to go to the
doctor.
I
every every time? No. And then, of course,
it's vampires so they scent her desire
all the fucking time. They scent when she's
had sex with somebody all the fucking time.
I'd be like, I would just live in
the shower. I don't think I can handle
all that sniffing around me. You need to
start an erotic book club podcast.
It would just be me ranting about it
would just be me ranting about shit that
annoys me in books or me trying to
describe a book that I really enjoyed. But
do I remember the characters' names? Do I
remember the name of the book? No. I
do not.
Oh, god.
Anyway,
I'm I got, like, 30, 45 minutes left
of the 4th book in the series.
I I need
it's romance. You know how it ends, but,
I mean, it can it's sometimes good enough
storytelling. I'm like, wait. Are you gonna surprise
me and it's not gonna end the way
it better fucking end? I need to know.
The baddie is super fucking baddie. He's overpowered.
Like he-
which-
what that means, what I've learned,
with this much left of the book,
the conflict resolution of dealing with the bad
guy
will take way less time than it ought
to. It won't be an epic battle of
multiple pages and a couple of different viewpoints
and a lot of action.
It will likely
wrap up way too quickly. For all this
for all this buildup
thank you, Tayceu. Tayceu is now naming my
fictional,
pretend podcast. I see that. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Yeah. I don't know. I just
but I'm enjoying it.
This is a series that I might actually
have to, like, take a day or two
break away from reading to, like, get my
bearings again because just
there's just enough that I'm like, what is
happening here? Why is that happening?
Why? Why is that happening? Also You're getting
encouragement.
Yeah. Of course.
Also,
I'm looking for recommendations. I need to go
put it in our Discord too. I'm looking
for recommendations. I fucking love
why choose? I love fantasy elements. Like, whether
it's paranormal or it's, like, the fae and
demons and what whatever.
I would like all of that, but I
would like the sex
and the interactions between the characters to be
kinky. I am tired of them trying to
tell me how dominant this partner is.
No baby, he's not. He's not big D
dominant. Little D dominant.
Not big D dominant.
Because
a lot of
the BDSM stuff I find, it's contemporary. I
don't really like contemporary. I am trying to
get out of the real world. Okay? When
I am reading, please don't put me in
21st century anywhere. Okay?
Quite frankly, don't put me in anything from
1979,
to present because that's my lifetime and that's
too close to home. No. No. I'll take
historical.
I'll take
not of this universe, 5.09. I'll take pure
fantasy, couldn't be our world.
I just I I love why choose. That
should be that should be so fucking jinky.
Kinky, why choose? That's like that's like my
wet dream. Like,
a couple of, like,
characters of any gender who are, like, battling
for, like, the top and Dom energy.
We read that I read that one series.
It was a dystopian thing. And it did
it. It was all the men were dominant
except one was Switchy.
And so he wanted to dominate the female
main character, but he submitted for one of
the other characters. And the like, the energy
was so good.
You just saw the pilot episode, folks.
I don't know.
I don't know how much value me yelling
into a microphone for however long
without naming a book.
Don't get characters' name. Anyway,
fantasy,
historical,
paranormal.
I'll take dystopian futuristic.
Not not contemporary.
Romance?
Why choose
kinky?
That's what I'm looking for. That's like and
well written. Like, please do not let the
cum just be seeping out around the giant
massive could hurt somebody dick
that she manages to take so fucking well.
Anyway.
Anyway. On that note.
On that note.
We'll see. I mean, it wasn't the rant
that I intended.
But it was a rant anyway. I do
feel cleansed. I do feel cleansed. Yeah. Yeah.
I love Katie Robert Emily. Thank you, Midnight
I think do I own Midnight Ruin? I
have part of
I own part of one of her series.
I don't know if I own Midnight Ruin.
I might.
For a while I was collecting physical books.
Katie Roberts'
main series, from Neon Gods and Electric
that one. I started collecting the physical books
and then I became unable to read physical
books, the glasses I have and the lighting
I have. And we have now fixed all
of that. I have better lighting in the
living room. I have I have learned I'll
just take my fucking glasses off and just
hold it, like, 6 inches away from my
nose and read just fine. So I can
start reading that series again
and maybe collecting and to own the whole
series because Katie Roberts Katie Roberts writes.
Neon Gods is the first book in one
of her series. I've also read because it's
on Kindle Unlimited. There's a series she did
about demons, and there's the demon king. He's
trying to keep his I can't remember what
the name of the series is. But in
the final book of the series, the big
bad demon king, I cannot remember his name.
He's a daddy dom demon, and it is
delightful. It is delightful. I like that series.
Cannot remember what that series is called. This
is why I can't do anything with books.
How am I gonna be helpful?
Okay. Anyway. Anywho
A silence like Kayla's asking for a unicorn
author now. Yes. I am.
Okay.
We're gonna go Yep. And let the rest
of our chaos commence. Mhmm.
And, I really hope podcast listeners you're gonna
get to hear the sound
of her voice this week.
I really hope so. Okay. We'll go. Okay.
Bye y'all. Bye.