You're listening to the loving BDSM
podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the
only, the very sadistic and bratty, and my
daddy, John Brownstone.
And happy to be so.
Which one? I'll I'll turn. All the above.
Okay. Okay. Just checking. Just checking.
So this week, we're answering a question from
a submissive who negotiated a service for their
partner
because they seem to have more, air quote,
willpower, but their partner doesn't appreciate the service
that they've requested.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're
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Okay. Let's get into it. Alright. My partner
and I negotiated that I need to be
the voice of reason and say no when
he wants to make a financially or dietary
bad choice.
I'm not a dom, but as a submissive,
I always want to support him. Yet when
I do, he sulks around and acts upset
with me. As a submissive, it makes me
feel like shit when he's moody like that
and I'm the cause. But as his partner,
I also feel frustrated with him because he
does need help with money and healthy choices.
He brought up in negotiations that I have
more willpower and will need to be the
one to say no when he wants to
do something he shouldn't.
All this came from him and I'm happy
to do it, but his reactions are making
me feel like the mom of an angsty
teenager instead of a partner.
I'm feeling very frustrated and would like advice
on how to talk to him about this
issue.
He doesn't take criticism well. And as his
partner, I want to support him in making
better life choices, but don't know how to
do so without continuing in this loop. Can
I can I say the thing I told
you before we started recording? Go. You you
know, you you had some No. I will
get to there. I just need to say,
this question makes me very ranty because it
And
And if anybody heard it and you've had
your own strong feelings, not alone. We're together
on this.
I got feelings. That being said, what are
your thoughts and feelings on this one? You
know, as you're reading this, you know, there
there are so many things that are just,
like, popping out popping out. Mhmm.
And I I don't know why, but towards
the end of the question, I I kinda
got caught on on the part of the,
you know, that the partner does not take
criticism well. I know. I know. Okay.
And and you know,
when it comes to criticism,
I don't like it either. I don't think
anybody does. I don't think anybody does. Okay?
But you know what?
If I if I need to be told
that I am not in the right and
I need to be doing something other, then
I need to be told.
Mhmm. Okay?
And and, you know,
there
there there's
bad criticism and then there's good criticism, constructive
criticism. You know, that the constructive criticism is
really
the the best way to approach this rather
than any other way,
but when someone is not willing
to
accept things like that,
can't tell me they're not ready to grow.
Yes.
Yes. They're they're not ready to grow. They're
not open to to learning
new experiences, new things. Mhmm.
In in this lifestyle,
in in any,
you know, whether it's
kink or non kink,
you know, you you you should be able
to have be able to do that. Yes.
And I think there's a way to give
criticism, because some people are going to be
sensitive to perceived
criticism. Mhmm. Rejection sensitive dysphoria is a thing,
and it can be powerful.
But
we do have to all sort of come
to a point where we can listen to
honest feedback from a partner.
Yeah. You know, and
I
I I hate to say it, and I
hate to put it this way, but this
is what came to mind. You know, when
they when they talk about how, you know,
when they do
what they're supposed to,
and, you know, there are a lot of
submissives that are asked to do things like
this acts of service, you know, for the
dom. Mhmm.
You know, but when
they call their partner, their dom out, howdy,
and and and all this,
sounds to me a little more like a
man child.
Okay? I mean Sometimes.
Yes. Yes. Alright.
Sometimes.
You know.
But, you know, wow, there there there's a
lot that's
Mhmm.
Mhmm. Yeah. The intriguing thing to me is
this missive who has sent this in does
not identify their partner as the dominant in
the relationship. So I wonder about how their
power
exchange is structured.
True.
Because the the
the thing that comes to my mind is
if this partner is proclaiming themselves a dominant,
I am less than impressed with their dominance.
Not because you're supposed to be good at
it the moment you tried and not because
dominance don't have their own
things that they need to, like, reckon with
as part of their own personal growth. Of
course. Of course. Of course.
But nothing in the telling of this, which
of course is just from one perspective,
but nothing in the telling of this points
to
the partner who is not the submissive. Right?
Mhmm. Taking responsibility
for anything that there's that is of theirs
to take responsibility for. They have put it
all on the submissive partner. That's true. And
then is upset
when the submissive partner does explicitly what they
asked for. I know. I know. And, you
know, I have been on both sides of
that before.
In
my previous marriage, which was quite vanilla,
that partner and I went back and forth
trying to do that. And so the feelings
of resentment that
the submissive is saying that, you know, their
partner is is expressing,
I recognize that from my own experience of
feeling it, and I recognize it from seeing
it and and having it happen to me
outside of a power dynamic.
The thing I learned about myself
was that I
I was making my partner the scapegoat.
I wasn't ready to do a thing, to
take responsibility for a thing, to make a
change that I said that I wanted, and
I didn't want to have to go through
the hard part of,
you know, changing Doing it. Patterns and behaviors
and, you know, going through that, like, feeling
of deprivation
that is temporary
when you can't have the thing you want
the moment you want it. Right? And so
instead of owning that,
I put all the blame and the onus
on my partner. Because either
they were telling me no when I didn't
wanna hear it, and so I was upset
with them for that. Or
I was letting them tell me no, doing
what they said, and then I was resentful
because I wasn't having what I wanted, and
I put the blame on them. Yeah. I
think based on
the way this has been described,
this is the thing I would un negotiate.
I would negotiate out of it for now.
Mhmm. That's the first thing. That's to me,
that's the conversation that
You know, you you said earlier, and and
I I think, you know, after hearing the
whole
that the whole question, what's happening,
you know, I I don't think this person
is ready to make these changes. Because if
they were,
they would they maybe negotiate help and assistance
as a service, but they would take as
much ownership as they are capable of Right.
To make the changes. Yes. And then when
they are upset
for not being able to do the thing
that they used to do and the the
uncomfortable feelings that that brings up. Yes. It
is possible for a a mostly decent partner
to lash out. We are all capable of
that.
But
they would not need to have it explained
gently to them
that you know what I mean? Like, it's
just there's a vibe in this question
that I'm just very unimpressed.
Yeah.
Very unimpressed. Yeah. I mean, I I I
will give given this, you know, the the
person they do seem to be self aware
that they,
you know, have some issues when it comes
to money, when it, you know, when it
comes to some of the That's the thing
I wish I knew more of. Do aren't
they self aware? Mhmm. Or
or have these been mutual conversations where
this partner has gone, you know, here are
some things I'm noticing or, hey. You've had
that health scare, and here's a thing. Yeah.
Or, hey. We're broke. We cannot spend this
money.
And
you know what I mean? Like, I would
be very curious as to where
the conversation is coming from. Mhmm. But
I I agree. I have brought up these
things that I might want to change or
do differently. Mhmm. And you have that intellectual
logical side of you that's going, I know
I ought to do this because if I
make these changes, this could be better. Right.
And then there's that emotional part of, but
I don't wanna, and I'm not ready. Yeah.
And so I'll give benefit of the doubt.
Maybe the the non submissive is, like, no,
no, no. I know I need to make
these changes, but this is really hard. Yeah.
I mean, you know, I'm I'm a little
frustrated with myself, and and I think most
people can can say this because, yes, change
is hard. There are changes that I want
to make.
Mhmm. You know? And and I know what
they are. Yep. Okay. I have everything put
in place. Same. Same. Same. Okay. To to
do the changes,
but it's been like slogging through mud Mhmm.
To, you know, to take those first steps
to actually do it and implement it. And
I would not come to you and say,
I need you to hold me accountable for
this. Yeah. That's I think that's the part
that bothers me the most from a submissive
perspective. Mhmm. Because if you did,
my first question, knowing what I know now,
is but how do
what are the consequences from you if you
don't do the thing you're telling me you
want me to make sure you do? Like,
what do I, what leg do I have
to stand on
if I do explicitly the thing you told
me to do? Tell you no, say that's
a bad idea, whatever, and you get upset
and you don't do it, what does it
even mean? It means nothing essentially. Yeah. It
means nothing other than
you know? And I'll say this because I
imagine this would be the way with you.
If the partner is, like,
is a dominant, that's what they're trying to
be in this power exchange. If it was
you and I, as your submissive, was telling
you no,
even though you said you wanted me to,
I hadn't met a dominant yet who,
outside of consenting stuff, can handle being told
no real damn well. Okay? We're not talking
about consent issues and scenes and negotiating. No.
But, like, to tell my daddy dom he
can't have the thing he wants to have
even though it's an ice cream cone and
his mouth is all geared up for ice
cream,
I'm the bad guy. He would not handle
it well. No. And that you know? No.
If your partner was making the changes with
your help in this way, I'd say, hey,
it's working for you, keep doing it. It
doesn't sound like it's working. And and I
mean, you know, and that's the thing because,
obviously,
you know, as as much as I have
put these things in place to to facilitate
the changes I want to make in this
particular aspect.
Apparently, I am not ready Right. To do
it.
And that's the thing, I think that this
partner is not ready. Right. So, you know,
knowing that fact, it would totally be unfair
of me to go to you or anybody
and say, I need I need accountability. I
need you to do this for me because
I can't do it for myself. And, you
know And here's the thing. I understand the
logic of submissives who are going, but wait,
I do that with my dominant partner. I
say I can't I can't do this without
help, and and they are willing to help
me. 2 things. 1, you are in a
position where you can,
within negotiated and consented to means,
handle a partner and want a partner to
tell you no. That's part of who you
are and what you want. 2, there are
probably consequences.
You can get mad all you want. You
can get resentful. You can get pouty. You
can get whatever. Yeah. But you know what
based on whatever you negotiated,
that there would be consequences.
From the other side of the slash,
that's it's not impossible to negotiate. That's entirely
possible to negotiate. Wait. I'm gonna do this
thing you asked me
to do, but when you get pissy about
it, what's what does this mean? Right? Yeah.
But that's a lot more complicated, and that's
got to come from a person who can
handle criticism,
who can hear things they don't wanna hear.
And regardless of the reasons why this person
cannot handle that, that means it's not a
good mix where for where they're at right
now to put this onus on their submissive
partner. That's true.
Now here's the thing. You asked for, how
do I talk to to my partner? Okay.
Here's the thing.
I would go into it not expecting
your partner to just see the light because
you're gonna tell him something. Okay?
The other thing I would say is
focus on how you feel and what
the things that are happening are doing to
you.
Partly because on
on if on any chance rejection sensitive dysphoria
or anything like that
impacts his ability to handle critique.
It is sometimes
easier to take in, I feel this way.
I want to do this. I don't wanna
do this. Instead of going, you. You make
me feel this way. They don't make you
feel any way. You feel your feelings. You
did this.
If a person can't handle criticism, they really
can't handle the you statements and those aren't
usually helpful. It's then when you get into
this sort of pissing contest of no I
didn't, yes you did, mm-mm.
Keep it
personal and I statements.
I have experienced this. I feel this way.
I don't like this. I, you know, I
don't feel like your partner. I feel like
your mom. Right? Like, those kinds of statements
go in with that
now. If your partner is willing to hear
you
and have
a good constructive conversation,
and y'all can find modifications
to this agreement that work for you both,
great. That's wonderful.
If, however,
they either can't can't even validate your own
fields. Validation does not mean agreement. It just
means I see you. I hear you. Your
experience is true to you
even if I don't like it. Even if
I, you know, think you're wrong. If they
can't validate
your feelings,
and they can't handle hearing
that their actions have brought up these feelings
in you. Right?
Then the thing to do is to to
negotiate. That's not a thing I'm doing for
you anymore. It's to withdraw consent on that
service. Because that service isn't really a service.
It's a responsibility being pushed back on you
by a person who is not yet ready
to take the responsibility
themselves, and it is going to harm your
relationship. It's going to you're already feeling resentment.
You don't feel like a partner. You feel
like somebody's mom. Like, that's Yeah. That
That's That that's these volumes. That that's these
volumes right there. Yeah.
Yeah. So
I that's that's how I would approach the
conversation. Be prepared to to shut it off.
Focus on how you feel and what you're
seeing and what you're experiencing.
We know that you're only feeling and experiencing
it because of the actions that your partner's,
you know, exhibiting,
plus whatever stuff you've gone through in your
whole life that contributes to your feelings. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
But don't in order to hopefully get him
to hear you,
keep it to
I, me. This is what it's doing to
me. This is how I feel. This is
what I'm experiencing.
Focus on that and then gauge. Can you
handle this? Can you validate? Can we have
a maybe not a one and done in
one conversation, but over time, can we have
productive conversations about this? Can we find a
new middle ground?
Can
your partner accept responsibility for the part that
they're playing and all this or the part
that they're not? You know? I
gut feeling is they're not ready to make
these changes, and they don't want the responsibility
for them. And
being a human requires responsibility, but responsibility is
the name of the fucking game in dominance.
Yeah.
And a dominant who cannot accept responsibility for
themselves
is not going to do a very good
job as a dominant in general. Because how
do you accept responsibility for another human being
if you cannot handle the responsibility
of yourself. That doesn't mean you're gonna be
perfect at it. It doesn't mean you're not
having your issues. It doesn't mean maybe you
don't need some therapy
and some, like, relearning how to move through
the world.
But the core of it is a sense
of responsibility. And on these issues,
as of right this second, it does not
sound like your partner is ready to take
on the responsibility No. At all.
And now I'm very hot and sweaty and
probably very flushed.
That was a, a lot to go.
Yep. It was. It was.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
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lords, or use the link in the show
notes.