1 00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:12,259 You're listening to the loving BDSM 2 00:00:12,595 --> 00:00:14,275 podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the 3 00:00:14,275 --> 00:00:17,234 only, the very sadistic and bratty, and my 4 00:00:17,234 --> 00:00:18,614 daddy, John Brownstone. 5 00:00:19,234 --> 00:00:20,355 And happy to be so. 6 00:00:20,914 --> 00:00:22,675 Which one? I'll I'll turn. All the above. 7 00:00:22,675 --> 00:00:25,414 Okay. Okay. Just checking. Just checking. 8 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:29,280 So this week, we're answering a question from 9 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:31,440 a submissive who negotiated a service for their 10 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:31,940 partner 11 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,079 because they seem to have more, air quote, 12 00:00:34,079 --> 00:00:37,359 willpower, but their partner doesn't appreciate the service 13 00:00:37,359 --> 00:00:38,260 that they've requested. 14 00:00:39,115 --> 00:00:41,035 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're 15 00:00:41,035 --> 00:00:42,554 new here, we help kinksters like you have 16 00:00:42,554 --> 00:00:44,094 happy, healthy power exchange relationships. 17 00:00:44,475 --> 00:00:46,155 Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app 18 00:00:46,155 --> 00:00:47,454 so you never miss an episode. 19 00:00:47,995 --> 00:00:48,495 And 20 00:00:48,875 --> 00:00:50,175 we need your questions. 21 00:00:50,554 --> 00:00:52,815 We are actually getting low on the pile 22 00:00:52,954 --> 00:00:55,469 of questions. Yes. So if you have a 23 00:00:55,469 --> 00:00:58,589 question about some scenario in your kink life 24 00:00:58,589 --> 00:01:00,909 or just something kind of in general and 25 00:01:00,909 --> 00:01:02,850 you'd like to get our take on it, 26 00:01:03,149 --> 00:01:05,149 please, please, please send your question in. 27 00:01:05,469 --> 00:01:06,750 There should be a link in the show 28 00:01:06,750 --> 00:01:09,344 notes literally called ask your questions. Or if 29 00:01:09,344 --> 00:01:11,045 you go to our website, lovingbdsm.net, 30 00:01:12,385 --> 00:01:13,204 that's lovingbdsm.net, 31 00:01:15,185 --> 00:01:17,265 there's a link in our, like, little menu 32 00:01:17,265 --> 00:01:19,444 thing that, again, is called ask your questions. 33 00:01:19,584 --> 00:01:21,185 It'll come to us. You can be anonymous. 34 00:01:21,185 --> 00:01:23,284 We don't y'all have noticed. We're at 51 35 00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:24,000 of these, 36 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,319 that we've done. Right. And we don't say 37 00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:27,379 names. So 38 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:29,920 do not worry. We respect your privacy, but 39 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:31,780 we would love to answer your question. 40 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,879 Okay. Let's get into it. Alright. My partner 41 00:01:34,879 --> 00:01:36,959 and I negotiated that I need to be 42 00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:38,959 the voice of reason and say no when 43 00:01:38,959 --> 00:01:41,265 he wants to make a financially or dietary 44 00:01:41,405 --> 00:01:42,144 bad choice. 45 00:01:42,604 --> 00:01:44,384 I'm not a dom, but as a submissive, 46 00:01:44,444 --> 00:01:46,284 I always want to support him. Yet when 47 00:01:46,284 --> 00:01:48,924 I do, he sulks around and acts upset 48 00:01:48,924 --> 00:01:50,924 with me. As a submissive, it makes me 49 00:01:50,924 --> 00:01:52,765 feel like shit when he's moody like that 50 00:01:52,765 --> 00:01:55,060 and I'm the cause. But as his partner, 51 00:01:55,060 --> 00:01:57,459 I also feel frustrated with him because he 52 00:01:57,459 --> 00:01:59,880 does need help with money and healthy choices. 53 00:02:00,340 --> 00:02:02,340 He brought up in negotiations that I have 54 00:02:02,340 --> 00:02:04,260 more willpower and will need to be the 55 00:02:04,260 --> 00:02:05,859 one to say no when he wants to 56 00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:07,000 do something he shouldn't. 57 00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:09,824 All this came from him and I'm happy 58 00:02:09,824 --> 00:02:11,745 to do it, but his reactions are making 59 00:02:11,745 --> 00:02:13,665 me feel like the mom of an angsty 60 00:02:13,665 --> 00:02:15,365 teenager instead of a partner. 61 00:02:15,745 --> 00:02:18,064 I'm feeling very frustrated and would like advice 62 00:02:18,064 --> 00:02:19,425 on how to talk to him about this 63 00:02:19,425 --> 00:02:19,925 issue. 64 00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:22,469 He doesn't take criticism well. And as his 65 00:02:22,469 --> 00:02:24,549 partner, I want to support him in making 66 00:02:24,549 --> 00:02:26,629 better life choices, but don't know how to 67 00:02:26,629 --> 00:02:29,109 do so without continuing in this loop. Can 68 00:02:29,109 --> 00:02:30,549 I can I say the thing I told 69 00:02:30,549 --> 00:02:32,150 you before we started recording? Go. You you 70 00:02:32,150 --> 00:02:34,229 know, you you had some No. I will 71 00:02:34,229 --> 00:02:34,590 get to there. I just need to say, 72 00:02:34,590 --> 00:02:35,609 this question makes me very ranty because it 73 00:02:42,727 --> 00:02:43,227 And 74 00:02:49,459 --> 00:02:51,299 And if anybody heard it and you've had 75 00:02:51,299 --> 00:02:53,539 your own strong feelings, not alone. We're together 76 00:02:53,539 --> 00:02:54,199 on this. 77 00:02:54,579 --> 00:02:56,900 I got feelings. That being said, what are 78 00:02:56,900 --> 00:02:59,459 your thoughts and feelings on this one? You 79 00:02:59,459 --> 00:03:01,780 know, as you're reading this, you know, there 80 00:03:01,780 --> 00:03:03,219 there are so many things that are just, 81 00:03:03,219 --> 00:03:05,435 like, popping out popping out. Mhmm. 82 00:03:06,455 --> 00:03:08,375 And I I don't know why, but towards 83 00:03:08,375 --> 00:03:10,935 the end of the question, I I kinda 84 00:03:10,935 --> 00:03:12,775 got caught on on the part of the, 85 00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:14,775 you know, that the partner does not take 86 00:03:14,775 --> 00:03:17,909 criticism well. I know. I know. Okay. 87 00:03:18,689 --> 00:03:19,750 And and you know, 88 00:03:20,129 --> 00:03:21,270 when it comes to criticism, 89 00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,330 I don't like it either. I don't think 90 00:03:23,330 --> 00:03:25,430 anybody does. I don't think anybody does. Okay? 91 00:03:25,810 --> 00:03:26,870 But you know what? 92 00:03:27,569 --> 00:03:29,590 If I if I need to be told 93 00:03:29,729 --> 00:03:31,805 that I am not in the right and 94 00:03:31,805 --> 00:03:34,284 I need to be doing something other, then 95 00:03:34,284 --> 00:03:35,824 I need to be told. 96 00:03:36,125 --> 00:03:37,185 Mhmm. Okay? 97 00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,025 And and, you know, 98 00:03:39,324 --> 00:03:39,824 there 99 00:03:40,685 --> 00:03:41,504 there there's 100 00:03:41,884 --> 00:03:44,465 bad criticism and then there's good criticism, constructive 101 00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:47,639 criticism. You know, that the constructive criticism is 102 00:03:47,639 --> 00:03:48,139 really 103 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,520 the the best way to approach this rather 104 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:51,740 than any other way, 105 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,460 but when someone is not willing 106 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:55,420 to 107 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:57,740 accept things like that, 108 00:03:58,385 --> 00:04:00,245 can't tell me they're not ready to grow. 109 00:04:00,784 --> 00:04:01,284 Yes. 110 00:04:01,665 --> 00:04:03,344 Yes. They're they're not ready to grow. They're 111 00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:05,044 not open to to learning 112 00:04:05,425 --> 00:04:07,844 new experiences, new things. Mhmm. 113 00:04:08,544 --> 00:04:09,764 In in this lifestyle, 114 00:04:10,145 --> 00:04:11,125 in in any, 115 00:04:11,504 --> 00:04:12,965 you know, whether it's 116 00:04:13,479 --> 00:04:14,620 kink or non kink, 117 00:04:14,919 --> 00:04:16,839 you know, you you you should be able 118 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,080 to have be able to do that. Yes. 119 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:20,680 And I think there's a way to give 120 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:23,019 criticism, because some people are going to be 121 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:24,860 sensitive to perceived 122 00:04:25,254 --> 00:04:28,774 criticism. Mhmm. Rejection sensitive dysphoria is a thing, 123 00:04:28,774 --> 00:04:30,154 and it can be powerful. 124 00:04:30,694 --> 00:04:31,194 But 125 00:04:31,574 --> 00:04:33,334 we do have to all sort of come 126 00:04:33,334 --> 00:04:34,774 to a point where we can listen to 127 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:36,394 honest feedback from a partner. 128 00:04:37,495 --> 00:04:38,954 Yeah. You know, and 129 00:04:40,939 --> 00:04:41,439 I 130 00:04:42,459 --> 00:04:43,819 I I hate to say it, and I 131 00:04:43,819 --> 00:04:45,259 hate to put it this way, but this 132 00:04:45,259 --> 00:04:47,419 is what came to mind. You know, when 133 00:04:47,419 --> 00:04:49,100 they when they talk about how, you know, 134 00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:49,919 when they do 135 00:04:50,620 --> 00:04:51,919 what they're supposed to, 136 00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:53,819 and, you know, there are a lot of 137 00:04:53,819 --> 00:04:56,514 submissives that are asked to do things like 138 00:04:56,514 --> 00:04:58,355 this acts of service, you know, for the 139 00:04:58,355 --> 00:04:59,335 dom. Mhmm. 140 00:05:00,835 --> 00:05:01,895 You know, but when 141 00:05:02,675 --> 00:05:05,795 they call their partner, their dom out, howdy, 142 00:05:05,795 --> 00:05:07,254 and and and all this, 143 00:05:08,035 --> 00:05:09,395 sounds to me a little more like a 144 00:05:09,395 --> 00:05:10,110 man child. 145 00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:12,769 Okay? I mean Sometimes. 146 00:05:13,149 --> 00:05:14,289 Yes. Yes. Alright. 147 00:05:14,669 --> 00:05:15,169 Sometimes. 148 00:05:15,709 --> 00:05:16,370 You know. 149 00:05:18,349 --> 00:05:20,589 But, you know, wow, there there there's a 150 00:05:20,589 --> 00:05:21,229 lot that's 151 00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:22,289 Mhmm. 152 00:05:22,875 --> 00:05:25,694 Mhmm. Yeah. The intriguing thing to me is 153 00:05:25,914 --> 00:05:28,074 this missive who has sent this in does 154 00:05:28,074 --> 00:05:31,115 not identify their partner as the dominant in 155 00:05:31,115 --> 00:05:33,595 the relationship. So I wonder about how their 156 00:05:33,595 --> 00:05:34,095 power 157 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:36,419 exchange is structured. 158 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:37,220 True. 159 00:05:37,759 --> 00:05:39,139 Because the the 160 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,759 the thing that comes to my mind is 161 00:05:41,759 --> 00:05:44,980 if this partner is proclaiming themselves a dominant, 162 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,404 I am less than impressed with their dominance. 163 00:05:48,704 --> 00:05:50,225 Not because you're supposed to be good at 164 00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:51,904 it the moment you tried and not because 165 00:05:51,904 --> 00:05:53,365 dominance don't have their own 166 00:05:53,665 --> 00:05:55,824 things that they need to, like, reckon with 167 00:05:55,824 --> 00:05:57,504 as part of their own personal growth. Of 168 00:05:57,504 --> 00:05:59,125 course. Of course. Of course. 169 00:05:59,504 --> 00:06:01,860 But nothing in the telling of this, which 170 00:06:02,019 --> 00:06:03,719 of course is just from one perspective, 171 00:06:04,099 --> 00:06:06,500 but nothing in the telling of this points 172 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:07,000 to 173 00:06:07,539 --> 00:06:10,659 the partner who is not the submissive. Right? 174 00:06:10,659 --> 00:06:11,959 Mhmm. Taking responsibility 175 00:06:12,819 --> 00:06:15,379 for anything that there's that is of theirs 176 00:06:15,379 --> 00:06:17,314 to take responsibility for. They have put it 177 00:06:17,454 --> 00:06:19,535 all on the submissive partner. That's true. And 178 00:06:19,535 --> 00:06:20,514 then is upset 179 00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:23,454 when the submissive partner does explicitly what they 180 00:06:23,454 --> 00:06:25,694 asked for. I know. I know. And, you 181 00:06:25,694 --> 00:06:28,814 know, I have been on both sides of 182 00:06:28,814 --> 00:06:29,474 that before. 183 00:06:30,495 --> 00:06:30,995 In 184 00:06:31,419 --> 00:06:33,599 my previous marriage, which was quite vanilla, 185 00:06:34,939 --> 00:06:37,019 that partner and I went back and forth 186 00:06:37,019 --> 00:06:38,860 trying to do that. And so the feelings 187 00:06:38,860 --> 00:06:40,319 of resentment that 188 00:06:40,699 --> 00:06:42,699 the submissive is saying that, you know, their 189 00:06:42,699 --> 00:06:44,319 partner is is expressing, 190 00:06:44,774 --> 00:06:47,574 I recognize that from my own experience of 191 00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:50,375 feeling it, and I recognize it from seeing 192 00:06:50,375 --> 00:06:52,694 it and and having it happen to me 193 00:06:52,694 --> 00:06:54,394 outside of a power dynamic. 194 00:06:55,334 --> 00:06:56,955 The thing I learned about myself 195 00:06:57,814 --> 00:06:58,955 was that I 196 00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:02,410 I was making my partner the scapegoat. 197 00:07:03,269 --> 00:07:05,110 I wasn't ready to do a thing, to 198 00:07:05,110 --> 00:07:06,870 take responsibility for a thing, to make a 199 00:07:06,870 --> 00:07:08,629 change that I said that I wanted, and 200 00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:10,069 I didn't want to have to go through 201 00:07:10,069 --> 00:07:11,370 the hard part of, 202 00:07:11,685 --> 00:07:15,125 you know, changing Doing it. Patterns and behaviors 203 00:07:15,125 --> 00:07:17,605 and, you know, going through that, like, feeling 204 00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:18,345 of deprivation 205 00:07:18,964 --> 00:07:20,105 that is temporary 206 00:07:20,645 --> 00:07:22,165 when you can't have the thing you want 207 00:07:22,165 --> 00:07:24,404 the moment you want it. Right? And so 208 00:07:24,404 --> 00:07:26,425 instead of owning that, 209 00:07:26,910 --> 00:07:28,750 I put all the blame and the onus 210 00:07:28,750 --> 00:07:31,009 on my partner. Because either 211 00:07:31,389 --> 00:07:32,750 they were telling me no when I didn't 212 00:07:32,750 --> 00:07:34,590 wanna hear it, and so I was upset 213 00:07:34,590 --> 00:07:35,970 with them for that. Or 214 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:38,189 I was letting them tell me no, doing 215 00:07:38,189 --> 00:07:39,810 what they said, and then I was resentful 216 00:07:39,870 --> 00:07:41,455 because I wasn't having what I wanted, and 217 00:07:41,455 --> 00:07:43,055 I put the blame on them. Yeah. I 218 00:07:43,055 --> 00:07:44,754 think based on 219 00:07:45,134 --> 00:07:46,675 the way this has been described, 220 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,975 this is the thing I would un negotiate. 221 00:07:48,975 --> 00:07:51,134 I would negotiate out of it for now. 222 00:07:51,134 --> 00:07:53,339 Mhmm. That's the first thing. That's to me, 223 00:07:53,419 --> 00:07:54,240 that's the conversation that 224 00:07:54,660 --> 00:07:56,300 You know, you you said earlier, and and 225 00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:57,819 I I think, you know, after hearing the 226 00:07:57,819 --> 00:07:58,259 whole 227 00:07:58,699 --> 00:08:00,800 that the whole question, what's happening, 228 00:08:01,419 --> 00:08:03,259 you know, I I don't think this person 229 00:08:03,259 --> 00:08:05,339 is ready to make these changes. Because if 230 00:08:05,339 --> 00:08:05,919 they were, 231 00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:09,904 they would they maybe negotiate help and assistance 232 00:08:10,125 --> 00:08:12,604 as a service, but they would take as 233 00:08:12,604 --> 00:08:14,604 much ownership as they are capable of Right. 234 00:08:14,685 --> 00:08:16,925 To make the changes. Yes. And then when 235 00:08:16,925 --> 00:08:17,824 they are upset 236 00:08:18,125 --> 00:08:20,125 for not being able to do the thing 237 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,560 that they used to do and the the 238 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:25,600 uncomfortable feelings that that brings up. Yes. It 239 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:28,319 is possible for a a mostly decent partner 240 00:08:28,319 --> 00:08:30,479 to lash out. We are all capable of 241 00:08:30,479 --> 00:08:30,979 that. 242 00:08:31,279 --> 00:08:31,779 But 243 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:34,899 they would not need to have it explained 244 00:08:35,039 --> 00:08:36,259 gently to them 245 00:08:36,865 --> 00:08:38,144 that you know what I mean? Like, it's 246 00:08:38,144 --> 00:08:40,165 just there's a vibe in this question 247 00:08:40,785 --> 00:08:42,565 that I'm just very unimpressed. 248 00:08:43,184 --> 00:08:43,684 Yeah. 249 00:08:43,985 --> 00:08:46,225 Very unimpressed. Yeah. I mean, I I I 250 00:08:46,225 --> 00:08:48,785 will give given this, you know, the the 251 00:08:48,785 --> 00:08:51,665 person they do seem to be self aware 252 00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:52,320 that they, 253 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:54,879 you know, have some issues when it comes 254 00:08:54,879 --> 00:08:56,639 to money, when it, you know, when it 255 00:08:56,639 --> 00:08:58,000 comes to some of the That's the thing 256 00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:59,759 I wish I knew more of. Do aren't 257 00:08:59,759 --> 00:09:01,700 they self aware? Mhmm. Or 258 00:09:02,399 --> 00:09:05,379 or have these been mutual conversations where 259 00:09:05,865 --> 00:09:08,264 this partner has gone, you know, here are 260 00:09:08,264 --> 00:09:10,264 some things I'm noticing or, hey. You've had 261 00:09:10,264 --> 00:09:12,345 that health scare, and here's a thing. Yeah. 262 00:09:12,345 --> 00:09:14,985 Or, hey. We're broke. We cannot spend this 263 00:09:14,985 --> 00:09:15,485 money. 264 00:09:15,865 --> 00:09:16,365 And 265 00:09:16,665 --> 00:09:17,865 you know what I mean? Like, I would 266 00:09:17,865 --> 00:09:19,644 be very curious as to where 267 00:09:20,290 --> 00:09:22,549 the conversation is coming from. Mhmm. But 268 00:09:22,850 --> 00:09:24,850 I I agree. I have brought up these 269 00:09:24,850 --> 00:09:26,690 things that I might want to change or 270 00:09:26,690 --> 00:09:29,269 do differently. Mhmm. And you have that intellectual 271 00:09:29,330 --> 00:09:30,850 logical side of you that's going, I know 272 00:09:30,850 --> 00:09:32,049 I ought to do this because if I 273 00:09:32,049 --> 00:09:34,384 make these changes, this could be better. Right. 274 00:09:34,384 --> 00:09:36,304 And then there's that emotional part of, but 275 00:09:36,304 --> 00:09:38,404 I don't wanna, and I'm not ready. Yeah. 276 00:09:38,544 --> 00:09:40,625 And so I'll give benefit of the doubt. 277 00:09:40,625 --> 00:09:43,184 Maybe the the non submissive is, like, no, 278 00:09:43,184 --> 00:09:44,064 no, no. I know I need to make 279 00:09:44,064 --> 00:09:46,339 these changes, but this is really hard. Yeah. 280 00:09:46,399 --> 00:09:48,240 I mean, you know, I'm I'm a little 281 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:50,240 frustrated with myself, and and I think most 282 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,720 people can can say this because, yes, change 283 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,959 is hard. There are changes that I want 284 00:09:54,959 --> 00:09:55,539 to make. 285 00:09:56,079 --> 00:09:58,320 Mhmm. You know? And and I know what 286 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:01,565 they are. Yep. Okay. I have everything put 287 00:10:01,565 --> 00:10:04,684 in place. Same. Same. Same. Okay. To to 288 00:10:04,684 --> 00:10:05,504 do the changes, 289 00:10:06,445 --> 00:10:09,644 but it's been like slogging through mud Mhmm. 290 00:10:09,965 --> 00:10:11,965 To, you know, to take those first steps 291 00:10:11,965 --> 00:10:15,019 to actually do it and implement it. And 292 00:10:15,019 --> 00:10:16,959 I would not come to you and say, 293 00:10:17,419 --> 00:10:18,860 I need you to hold me accountable for 294 00:10:18,860 --> 00:10:20,539 this. Yeah. That's I think that's the part 295 00:10:20,539 --> 00:10:22,480 that bothers me the most from a submissive 296 00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:25,120 perspective. Mhmm. Because if you did, 297 00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,339 my first question, knowing what I know now, 298 00:10:27,339 --> 00:10:28,220 is but how do 299 00:10:29,014 --> 00:10:30,774 what are the consequences from you if you 300 00:10:30,774 --> 00:10:32,615 don't do the thing you're telling me you 301 00:10:32,615 --> 00:10:35,014 want me to make sure you do? Like, 302 00:10:35,014 --> 00:10:36,534 what do I, what leg do I have 303 00:10:36,534 --> 00:10:37,674 to stand on 304 00:10:38,215 --> 00:10:40,534 if I do explicitly the thing you told 305 00:10:40,534 --> 00:10:42,455 me to do? Tell you no, say that's 306 00:10:42,455 --> 00:10:44,889 a bad idea, whatever, and you get upset 307 00:10:44,889 --> 00:10:46,970 and you don't do it, what does it 308 00:10:46,970 --> 00:10:50,410 even mean? It means nothing essentially. Yeah. It 309 00:10:50,410 --> 00:10:52,029 means nothing other than 310 00:10:52,649 --> 00:10:54,490 you know? And I'll say this because I 311 00:10:54,490 --> 00:10:55,995 imagine this would be the way with you. 312 00:10:56,235 --> 00:10:58,254 If the partner is, like, 313 00:10:59,835 --> 00:11:01,514 is a dominant, that's what they're trying to 314 00:11:01,514 --> 00:11:03,514 be in this power exchange. If it was 315 00:11:03,514 --> 00:11:06,235 you and I, as your submissive, was telling 316 00:11:06,235 --> 00:11:06,894 you no, 317 00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:10,654 even though you said you wanted me to, 318 00:11:11,559 --> 00:11:13,659 I hadn't met a dominant yet who, 319 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:17,480 outside of consenting stuff, can handle being told 320 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,759 no real damn well. Okay? We're not talking 321 00:11:20,759 --> 00:11:23,080 about consent issues and scenes and negotiating. No. 322 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,960 But, like, to tell my daddy dom he 323 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,634 can't have the thing he wants to have 324 00:11:27,634 --> 00:11:29,074 even though it's an ice cream cone and 325 00:11:29,074 --> 00:11:30,754 his mouth is all geared up for ice 326 00:11:30,754 --> 00:11:31,254 cream, 327 00:11:31,875 --> 00:11:34,195 I'm the bad guy. He would not handle 328 00:11:34,195 --> 00:11:37,235 it well. No. And that you know? No. 329 00:11:37,235 --> 00:11:39,554 If your partner was making the changes with 330 00:11:39,554 --> 00:11:40,960 your help in this way, I'd say, hey, 331 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,879 it's working for you, keep doing it. It 332 00:11:42,879 --> 00:11:44,399 doesn't sound like it's working. And and I 333 00:11:44,399 --> 00:11:46,259 mean, you know, and that's the thing because, 334 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:47,220 obviously, 335 00:11:49,039 --> 00:11:50,720 you know, as as much as I have 336 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:53,299 put these things in place to to facilitate 337 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,644 the changes I want to make in this 338 00:11:55,644 --> 00:11:56,705 particular aspect. 339 00:11:57,804 --> 00:12:00,044 Apparently, I am not ready Right. To do 340 00:12:00,044 --> 00:12:00,544 it. 341 00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:02,445 And that's the thing, I think that this 342 00:12:02,445 --> 00:12:05,184 partner is not ready. Right. So, you know, 343 00:12:06,044 --> 00:12:08,370 knowing that fact, it would totally be unfair 344 00:12:08,370 --> 00:12:09,809 of me to go to you or anybody 345 00:12:09,809 --> 00:12:11,889 and say, I need I need accountability. I 346 00:12:11,889 --> 00:12:13,250 need you to do this for me because 347 00:12:13,250 --> 00:12:14,929 I can't do it for myself. And, you 348 00:12:14,929 --> 00:12:17,649 know And here's the thing. I understand the 349 00:12:17,649 --> 00:12:20,129 logic of submissives who are going, but wait, 350 00:12:20,129 --> 00:12:22,725 I do that with my dominant partner. I 351 00:12:22,725 --> 00:12:24,644 say I can't I can't do this without 352 00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:26,164 help, and and they are willing to help 353 00:12:26,164 --> 00:12:28,725 me. 2 things. 1, you are in a 354 00:12:28,725 --> 00:12:30,264 position where you can, 355 00:12:30,725 --> 00:12:33,144 within negotiated and consented to means, 356 00:12:33,570 --> 00:12:35,649 handle a partner and want a partner to 357 00:12:35,649 --> 00:12:37,330 tell you no. That's part of who you 358 00:12:37,330 --> 00:12:39,410 are and what you want. 2, there are 359 00:12:39,410 --> 00:12:40,309 probably consequences. 360 00:12:40,769 --> 00:12:42,210 You can get mad all you want. You 361 00:12:42,210 --> 00:12:44,129 can get resentful. You can get pouty. You 362 00:12:44,129 --> 00:12:47,424 can get whatever. Yeah. But you know what 363 00:12:47,424 --> 00:12:48,804 based on whatever you negotiated, 364 00:12:49,424 --> 00:12:50,564 that there would be consequences. 365 00:12:51,105 --> 00:12:52,725 From the other side of the slash, 366 00:12:53,504 --> 00:12:56,884 that's it's not impossible to negotiate. That's entirely 367 00:12:57,105 --> 00:12:59,184 possible to negotiate. Wait. I'm gonna do this 368 00:12:59,184 --> 00:12:59,820 thing you asked me 369 00:13:01,820 --> 00:13:01,873 to do, but when you get pissy about 370 00:13:01,873 --> 00:13:03,440 it, what's what does this mean? Right? Yeah. 371 00:13:03,899 --> 00:13:06,379 But that's a lot more complicated, and that's 372 00:13:06,379 --> 00:13:08,240 got to come from a person who can 373 00:13:08,379 --> 00:13:09,360 handle criticism, 374 00:13:09,660 --> 00:13:11,759 who can hear things they don't wanna hear. 375 00:13:11,980 --> 00:13:14,924 And regardless of the reasons why this person 376 00:13:14,924 --> 00:13:17,404 cannot handle that, that means it's not a 377 00:13:17,404 --> 00:13:19,565 good mix where for where they're at right 378 00:13:19,565 --> 00:13:21,985 now to put this onus on their submissive 379 00:13:22,045 --> 00:13:23,345 partner. That's true. 380 00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:25,325 Now here's the thing. You asked for, how 381 00:13:25,325 --> 00:13:27,245 do I talk to to my partner? Okay. 382 00:13:27,245 --> 00:13:28,144 Here's the thing. 383 00:13:28,519 --> 00:13:30,940 I would go into it not expecting 384 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:34,139 your partner to just see the light because 385 00:13:35,159 --> 00:13:37,340 you're gonna tell him something. Okay? 386 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:39,820 The other thing I would say is 387 00:13:41,084 --> 00:13:44,144 focus on how you feel and what 388 00:13:44,845 --> 00:13:46,845 the things that are happening are doing to 389 00:13:46,845 --> 00:13:47,345 you. 390 00:13:47,884 --> 00:13:49,584 Partly because on 391 00:13:49,884 --> 00:13:53,504 on if on any chance rejection sensitive dysphoria 392 00:13:53,565 --> 00:13:54,704 or anything like that 393 00:13:55,230 --> 00:13:57,730 impacts his ability to handle critique. 394 00:13:58,429 --> 00:13:59,649 It is sometimes 395 00:14:00,269 --> 00:14:03,009 easier to take in, I feel this way. 396 00:14:03,470 --> 00:14:05,389 I want to do this. I don't wanna 397 00:14:05,389 --> 00:14:07,709 do this. Instead of going, you. You make 398 00:14:07,709 --> 00:14:08,990 me feel this way. They don't make you 399 00:14:08,990 --> 00:14:10,725 feel any way. You feel your feelings. You 400 00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:11,465 did this. 401 00:14:11,845 --> 00:14:14,164 If a person can't handle criticism, they really 402 00:14:14,164 --> 00:14:16,565 can't handle the you statements and those aren't 403 00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:18,644 usually helpful. It's then when you get into 404 00:14:18,644 --> 00:14:20,644 this sort of pissing contest of no I 405 00:14:20,644 --> 00:14:22,264 didn't, yes you did, mm-mm. 406 00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:23,465 Keep it 407 00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:25,549 personal and I statements. 408 00:14:26,409 --> 00:14:29,309 I have experienced this. I feel this way. 409 00:14:29,450 --> 00:14:31,929 I don't like this. I, you know, I 410 00:14:31,929 --> 00:14:33,529 don't feel like your partner. I feel like 411 00:14:33,529 --> 00:14:35,789 your mom. Right? Like, those kinds of statements 412 00:14:35,929 --> 00:14:37,309 go in with that 413 00:14:37,975 --> 00:14:40,535 now. If your partner is willing to hear 414 00:14:40,535 --> 00:14:41,035 you 415 00:14:41,654 --> 00:14:42,315 and have 416 00:14:43,335 --> 00:14:45,035 a good constructive conversation, 417 00:14:45,575 --> 00:14:47,195 and y'all can find modifications 418 00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:50,394 to this agreement that work for you both, 419 00:14:50,934 --> 00:14:52,220 great. That's wonderful. 420 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:54,139 If, however, 421 00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:57,879 they either can't can't even validate your own 422 00:14:57,879 --> 00:15:00,440 fields. Validation does not mean agreement. It just 423 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:02,839 means I see you. I hear you. Your 424 00:15:02,839 --> 00:15:04,539 experience is true to you 425 00:15:04,919 --> 00:15:06,284 even if I don't like it. Even if 426 00:15:06,284 --> 00:15:08,365 I, you know, think you're wrong. If they 427 00:15:08,365 --> 00:15:09,504 can't validate 428 00:15:10,044 --> 00:15:10,865 your feelings, 429 00:15:11,565 --> 00:15:13,424 and they can't handle hearing 430 00:15:13,804 --> 00:15:16,605 that their actions have brought up these feelings 431 00:15:16,605 --> 00:15:17,664 in you. Right? 432 00:15:18,860 --> 00:15:21,019 Then the thing to do is to to 433 00:15:21,019 --> 00:15:22,779 negotiate. That's not a thing I'm doing for 434 00:15:22,779 --> 00:15:25,100 you anymore. It's to withdraw consent on that 435 00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:28,000 service. Because that service isn't really a service. 436 00:15:28,860 --> 00:15:31,360 It's a responsibility being pushed back on you 437 00:15:31,794 --> 00:15:33,554 by a person who is not yet ready 438 00:15:33,554 --> 00:15:34,615 to take the responsibility 439 00:15:34,915 --> 00:15:37,315 themselves, and it is going to harm your 440 00:15:37,315 --> 00:15:39,815 relationship. It's going to you're already feeling resentment. 441 00:15:40,195 --> 00:15:41,634 You don't feel like a partner. You feel 442 00:15:41,634 --> 00:15:44,754 like somebody's mom. Like, that's Yeah. That 443 00:15:45,940 --> 00:15:48,660 That's That that's these volumes. That that's these 444 00:15:48,660 --> 00:15:50,279 volumes right there. Yeah. 445 00:15:50,660 --> 00:15:51,560 Yeah. So 446 00:15:52,180 --> 00:15:55,139 I that's that's how I would approach the 447 00:15:55,139 --> 00:15:57,879 conversation. Be prepared to to shut it off. 448 00:15:58,264 --> 00:16:00,504 Focus on how you feel and what you're 449 00:16:00,504 --> 00:16:02,205 seeing and what you're experiencing. 450 00:16:02,904 --> 00:16:05,384 We know that you're only feeling and experiencing 451 00:16:05,384 --> 00:16:07,325 it because of the actions that your partner's, 452 00:16:07,465 --> 00:16:08,845 you know, exhibiting, 453 00:16:09,304 --> 00:16:10,985 plus whatever stuff you've gone through in your 454 00:16:10,985 --> 00:16:12,664 whole life that contributes to your feelings. Yeah. 455 00:16:12,664 --> 00:16:13,565 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 456 00:16:14,159 --> 00:16:16,639 But don't in order to hopefully get him 457 00:16:16,639 --> 00:16:17,539 to hear you, 458 00:16:18,319 --> 00:16:19,139 keep it to 459 00:16:19,919 --> 00:16:22,079 I, me. This is what it's doing to 460 00:16:22,079 --> 00:16:23,279 me. This is how I feel. This is 461 00:16:23,279 --> 00:16:24,179 what I'm experiencing. 462 00:16:24,559 --> 00:16:27,039 Focus on that and then gauge. Can you 463 00:16:27,039 --> 00:16:29,699 handle this? Can you validate? Can we have 464 00:16:30,715 --> 00:16:32,315 a maybe not a one and done in 465 00:16:32,315 --> 00:16:34,075 one conversation, but over time, can we have 466 00:16:34,075 --> 00:16:37,035 productive conversations about this? Can we find a 467 00:16:37,035 --> 00:16:38,095 new middle ground? 468 00:16:38,634 --> 00:16:39,134 Can 469 00:16:39,674 --> 00:16:42,154 your partner accept responsibility for the part that 470 00:16:42,154 --> 00:16:43,674 they're playing and all this or the part 471 00:16:43,674 --> 00:16:45,879 that they're not? You know? I 472 00:16:46,820 --> 00:16:48,420 gut feeling is they're not ready to make 473 00:16:48,420 --> 00:16:50,600 these changes, and they don't want the responsibility 474 00:16:50,740 --> 00:16:52,279 for them. And 475 00:16:53,059 --> 00:16:56,820 being a human requires responsibility, but responsibility is 476 00:16:56,820 --> 00:16:58,759 the name of the fucking game in dominance. 477 00:16:58,975 --> 00:16:59,475 Yeah. 478 00:16:59,934 --> 00:17:02,254 And a dominant who cannot accept responsibility for 479 00:17:02,254 --> 00:17:02,754 themselves 480 00:17:03,375 --> 00:17:05,295 is not going to do a very good 481 00:17:05,295 --> 00:17:07,454 job as a dominant in general. Because how 482 00:17:07,454 --> 00:17:09,875 do you accept responsibility for another human being 483 00:17:09,934 --> 00:17:11,634 if you cannot handle the responsibility 484 00:17:11,934 --> 00:17:13,529 of yourself. That doesn't mean you're gonna be 485 00:17:13,529 --> 00:17:14,730 perfect at it. It doesn't mean you're not 486 00:17:14,730 --> 00:17:15,929 having your issues. It doesn't mean maybe you 487 00:17:15,929 --> 00:17:17,069 don't need some therapy 488 00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:20,169 and some, like, relearning how to move through 489 00:17:20,169 --> 00:17:20,909 the world. 490 00:17:21,609 --> 00:17:24,169 But the core of it is a sense 491 00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:27,265 of responsibility. And on these issues, 492 00:17:27,644 --> 00:17:29,244 as of right this second, it does not 493 00:17:29,244 --> 00:17:32,125 sound like your partner is ready to take 494 00:17:32,125 --> 00:17:34,144 on the responsibility No. At all. 495 00:17:35,644 --> 00:17:37,404 And now I'm very hot and sweaty and 496 00:17:37,404 --> 00:17:38,549 probably very flushed. 497 00:17:42,470 --> 00:17:44,570 That was a, a lot to go. 498 00:17:45,830 --> 00:17:47,529 Yep. It was. It was. 499 00:17:47,830 --> 00:17:49,350 Thanks for listening to this week's q and 500 00:17:49,350 --> 00:17:50,869 a episode. If you want us to answer 501 00:17:50,869 --> 00:17:52,664 one of your questions, just use the contact 502 00:17:52,664 --> 00:17:54,125 page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, 503 00:17:55,065 --> 00:17:56,265 or you can find the link in the 504 00:17:56,265 --> 00:17:58,105 show notes. Big thanks as always to our 505 00:17:58,105 --> 00:18:00,345 kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to 506 00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:02,184 do this podcast and keep it going and 507 00:18:02,184 --> 00:18:04,744 help kinksters due to your support. If you'd 508 00:18:04,744 --> 00:18:06,105 like to be part of our community and 509 00:18:06,105 --> 00:18:08,000 get access to extra content and a Discord 510 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,759 server with a group of super cool, super 511 00:18:09,759 --> 00:18:11,679 nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join 512 00:18:11,679 --> 00:18:12,500 us at patreon.com/kayla 513 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:14,659 lords. That's patreon.com/kayla 514 00:18:16,079 --> 00:18:17,707 lords, or use the link in the show 515 00:18:25,147 --> 00:18:25,647 notes.