You're listening to Living BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords
here with the one, the only, the definitely
a bratty daddy, John Brownstone. Indeed I am.
I mean, it's a feature, not a bug.
That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a selling
point, really. Mhmm. Absolutely. Until you turn
that, like, the evil bratty ways on me,
like, then I'm, like, really frustrated and I'm
reminded I'm an only child and I do
not know how to handle teasing and it,
like, really upsets me.
When when when bratty daddy and sadistic daddy
get together, it's Oh my god.
Oh my god. I need to send up,
like, some sort of bat signal so somebody
can come save me when
you go bratty and sadistic.
Anyway, that is not at all what we're
talking about today.
This week, we're answering a question from a
dominant who isn't sure how to maintain the
dynamic when their submissive partner cannot, for good
reason,
be consistent.
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Okay. Here's the question.
My wife has voiced interest in kink play.
She is submissive by nature, seems a bit
like Kayla, submissive but with attitude at times.
She has had trauma around sex as a
teenager, and she also takes medication for depression.
Sometimes she is keen to submit and others
she is quite shut down and gets caught
in her conflict about how she really feels.
I find it difficult to maintain a power
exchange because her mood and mindset are so
unpredictable.
I would love some advice as to how
we can make this work. I certainly don't
want to exacerbate her trauma. I'm not sure
how to be loving and empathetic while keeping
her in her place as my sub. Any
help would be greatly appreciated.
Oh, wow. I have so many thoughts. But
Yeah. What do you think? You know, I
I my my very first thought
went to
I I think it would probably be helpful
for both of them if they spoke to
a counselor. If they're not already out. If
they're not already, especially one that's kink friendly.
Mhmm. Okay. I I think in in this
case specifically that that is something that needs
to be, you know,
thought of. That that kink a kink aware,
kink friendly counselor is something. You know, I
I think this is gonna come down to
a lot of
communication.
Mhmm. I agree. You know, and,
I think there's going to have to be
some understanding, some give and take Mhmm. In
all this. And and, you know, it it's
gonna take a little bit I don't think
this is anything that's gonna happen overnight. It's
gonna take some some time and some work.
Right. Because there's the working through the emotional
aspect and
how, if in any way, the kink life
is touching on stuff that the submissive partner
is dealing with or has dealt with in
the past. And then there's figuring out what
power exchange means to each of them as
individuals and then together. Like, this is a
long journey kind of process with a lot
of,
what's the word I want, looking within, figuring
yourself out, and then also figuring out how
how that relates to one another and how
you both relate to each other within this
dynamic.
And also being very,
honest with yourselves about, is it a dynamic
that is best for your relationship?
Or, you know, as the question starts out
in kink play, should it be kept to
bedroom only, kinky activities
when in the mood only? And there's no
right answer for sure. It's it's gonna come
down to what is needed for everybody to
Right. Stay mentally and emotionally healthy for sure.
Mhmm.
A couple of things that came up for
me in this question.
Have y'all had the conversation
about
what it means for you to be the
dominant, what it means for your partner to
be the submissive, how you define those things
for yourselves, and then how that comes together
in your power exchange. There is a difference
to me between kink play and a power
dynamic you try to live. Mhmm. They can
go hand in hand, but they're not it's
not the same thing automatically. No. And especially
if your wife is
doing that push and pull of, am I
submissive? Is this what I want? You know,
sometimes it's having to,
you know, sort of
move beyond what we've most of us have
been taught and socialized to be, especially as
women of, you know,
don't behave in this way, don't want what
you want. It I'm of that, you know,
young gen x
elder millennial thing of you better be an
independent woman because your mothers and grandmothers fought
for this.
And so the idea of then being a
submissive purposely being submissive in a relationship is,
like,
are my feminist ancestors rolling in their graves
right now? So you there's some of that
that might have to be
thought about again and and looked through in
a different lens and
reconciled with who you want to be versus
who you think you are versus what society
expects you to be.
And if that
exploration is not being done, then it can
absolutely lead to internal conflict.
There's also we talked about this in last
week's,
q and a of figuring out what your
personal definitions for dominance and submission are. If
you are basing your kink play or your
power dynamic off of
what other people have told you dominance and
submission are supposed to be, and that does
not
work with who you are as a person,
that creates an immediate conflict that, you know,
is is hard to reconcile, and then people
can do struggle with that push and pull.
Yeah. So there's that as well.
I agree with you that flexibility
is gonna be key here.
Yeah. If your partner's having a day or
a week or a moment where the power
exchange works just like you want it to,
and then
10 minutes from now, tomorrow,
next week, It's not. There's gonna have to
be some understanding between the 2 of you
that she's not failing,
and you are not being somehow less dominant
by understanding that flexibility is required here.
The other thing,
that came to mind, and this is a
a thing that will not work for everybody,
but I just wanna throw it out there
as something to
consider.
If for you as the dominant, this speaks
to you, then feel free. If it resonates,
go for it. Reject it if it doesn't.
Caregiver
doms,
in my experience,
can't seem to be able
to find ways forward where they can be
both the dominant that they wanna be and
take care of
their submissive partner in the way that your
submissive partner needs to be. It is entirely
possible
that there are times when what your submissive
needs is strict rules and high expectations and
lots of protocol and rituals and whatever.
And, you know, you can tap into that
and go, this is what we do. And
then there may be times when what your
submissive partner needs is to be taken care
of. Being taken care of looks like a
lot of things. Sometimes it looks like
enforcing bedtimes and enforcing rules that are good
for your partner. And so you still have
the control, but ultimately they're taking care of
themselves.
Consent is required from everybody involved for that
to work. Yes. Yes. Yes. You do not
have to use terms like daddy, mommy, like
any of those words. If those don't feel
right, don't use them. But the concept of
caregiving,
sometimes,
like, broadly referred to as soft doms. I
don't love that term because I don't those
are not those they're not terms I like.
But caregiving,
nurturing, taking care of, there can absolutely be
control and power in that. Right. And sometimes
that might be what a submissive needs, short
term or long term,
as long as they're willing to accept. And
and and don't think that, you know, because
a lot of times the world has thrown
out this image, you know, of of a
dom, you know, the this pillar of strength,
you know, whether whether you're a high protocol
Dom, you know, or or or or a,
you know, owner,
slave, or anything like that, you know, you
gotta take care
of your take care of your toys.
Gotta take care, you know.
So one way or another, you you're, you
know, you're taking care. You have to. Right.
I think this would be much more purposeful
based on what your submissive needs. And if
it works for her
so that she can still feel the dynamic
when she may be unable
to meet a higher standard that y'all have
when everything's going well for her. Now that
is assuming that part of her conflict comes
from
past trauma, the medication she may be on,
her mental health,
or is the conflict coming from she has
not yet figured out what submission means to
her and has not reconciled her submission with
what others have told her she's supposed to
be? And that can be a completely separate
thing. And that reconciliation for somebody when they
come to that understanding of themselves and that
comfort level with understanding themselves,
that that can change everything so that you
can have whatever kind of dynamic works for
whoever y'all are. So there's gotta be a
lot of communication going on. Yeah. The other
thing that came to mind, because we have
done this
in different
circumstances,
but I think the concept works in anything.
It is entirely possible that you will not
know from one moment to the next, is
my submissive in a headspace for our typical
dynamic, or do they need softer, gentler care?
Or do they need something that's not within
the dynamic?
The thing I would recommend for you to
talk to together
is to come up with it's a little
bit like a safe word, but it's sort
of a code word. It's a phrase. It's
a word
sending a text. It's in that case, it
could just be an emoji. Something that signals
to you that your submissive is not in
the headspace that they were previously, and they
cannot do what they were just doing or
what you expect them to do based on
where you thought the dynamic was in this
moment.
Maybe you already have something like that for
the rest of your life. I would absolutely
recommend adopting it for your kink life. If
you don't have it anywhere, I recommend it.
This all transfers.
We
JB has what we call a safe word
for when I,
am info dumping too much, and I am
running away with a conversation. And
him just being my dom is not enough
to get him to shut me up. I
am I've moved beyond who I am as
a submissive, and I am Information overload. And
I'm just running off at the mouth so
bad that he just we created a word
that does not fit with anything. Yep.
And I know that when I hear that
I've gone too far, I need to pull
back. That's a completely different situation than what
we're describing here, but the concept remains. Yeah.
What
will make it easy
for your submissive to communicate where their headspace
is and make it easy for you to
understand, oh, I've gotta switch tactics here. I've
gotta Mhmm. Gotta do an about face. We
gotta do something different. This is not working.
And, again, that's a thing you discuss together
that you come up with that you can
both agree on,
and then it has to be done without
judgment. It has to be done you know,
when you hear that word from your
submissive, you cannot, you know, let yourself think
that you're being a bad dom or they're
being a bad submissive. You want to do
your best to not have any outward sign
of emotional impact beyond I'm I understand and
I support you and I'm here for you.
At the same time, your submissive needs to
understand that they are not failing as a
submissive for needing that moment, that they
need to communicate that to you
in order for you both to trust each
other.
Because you could I I with this question,
it tells me you don't want to accidentally
do harm to your partner by pushing too
hard when they're not in the space that
they can handle it.
This is a way and sometimes this is
the framing you need to use for a
submissive partner.
This is how
you
keep them safe and you keep yourself safe
by not unintentionally
causing harm. They have to do their part.
They just have to say the words, send
the text with the emoji,
raise the white flag, whatever the signal is
that works best for
y'all's communication styles and and your submissive comfort
level and all that good stuff. But find
that signal so you know where they're at
at any given moment instead of playing this
constant guessing game of, are we in dynamic?
Are we not? Should I be the strict
dom, or should I be the softer caregiver?
Whatever whatever. Like, who do I need to
be in this moment? Because you're not a
mind reader. You
probably have, over time, learned your partner's tells,
and you will learn more as you go.
But that's not a guarantee of anything, and
you should not be expected to read their
mind and just know what's happening. That's
unrealistic. That's unfair to you. It's unfair to
your partner.
So, yeah, I
I could not tell you how to, quote,
fix anything
or to have a very specific dynamic, but
I think you can put different tactics in
place that help you get to where you
want to be. And I agree with you
completely. If if y'all are not already or
if your partner is not already, a kink
friendly
therapist,
you know, mental health counselor, whatever,
is a great first step. Because then when
they're kink friendly or kink aware, you can
then talk about, hey. Here's where my head's
at, and here's
the the power exchange part that I'm trying
to do, and here's the conflict.
I will put a link in the places
to where you can search
for kink aware professionals.
It's heavily geared towards the US, but I
believe there are
non US,
providers who have listed themselves. And it's not
just therapists. It's other professionals as well.
And in, you know, some cases, you know,
telehealth does exist, and depending on licensing and
requirements and all this stuff I don't know
anything about Yeah. You might not have to
find somebody who lives right where you are.
You might be able to find somebody that
you can, you know, get online with and
have those conversations with.
So that's definitely that's
if that's already happening, that's the first step,
I think.
But, yeah,
that's
that's what I think. And is that what
you think? That's kinda what I think. That's
what we think. Yep.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the
show notes. Big thanks as always to our
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nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join
us at patreon.com/kayla
lords. That's patreon.com/kayla
lords, or use the link in the show
notes.