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You're listening to Living BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords

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here with the one, the only, the definitely

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a bratty daddy, John Brownstone. Indeed I am.

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I mean, it's a feature, not a bug.

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That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a selling

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point, really. Mhmm. Absolutely. Until you turn

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that, like, the evil bratty ways on me,

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like, then I'm, like, really frustrated and I'm

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reminded I'm an only child and I do

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not know how to handle teasing and it,

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like, really upsets me.

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When when when bratty daddy and sadistic daddy

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get together, it's Oh my god.

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Oh my god. I need to send up,

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like, some sort of bat signal so somebody

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can come save me when

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you go bratty and sadistic.

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Anyway, that is not at all what we're

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talking about today.

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This week, we're answering a question from a

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dominant who isn't sure how to maintain the

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dynamic when their submissive partner cannot, for good

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reason,

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be consistent.

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Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're

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new here, we help kinksters like you have

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happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast

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to your favorite podcast app so you never

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miss an episode. And if you have a

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question that you'd like us to answer in

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a future one of these, you can get

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in touch and send that question to us

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through our contact page that's literally labeled ask

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your questions, available at loving BDSM.net.

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That's loving BDSM.net,

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or the link is in the show notes.

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Okay. Here's the question.

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My wife has voiced interest in kink play.

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She is submissive by nature, seems a bit

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like Kayla, submissive but with attitude at times.

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She has had trauma around sex as a

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teenager, and she also takes medication for depression.

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Sometimes she is keen to submit and others

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she is quite shut down and gets caught

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in her conflict about how she really feels.

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I find it difficult to maintain a power

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exchange because her mood and mindset are so

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unpredictable.

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I would love some advice as to how

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we can make this work. I certainly don't

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want to exacerbate her trauma. I'm not sure

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how to be loving and empathetic while keeping

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her in her place as my sub. Any

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help would be greatly appreciated.

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Oh, wow. I have so many thoughts. But

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Yeah. What do you think? You know, I

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I my my very first thought

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went to

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I I think it would probably be helpful

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for both of them if they spoke to

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a counselor. If they're not already out. If

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they're not already, especially one that's kink friendly.

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Mhmm. Okay. I I think in in this

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case specifically that that is something that needs

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to be, you know,

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thought of. That that kink a kink aware,

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kink friendly counselor is something. You know, I

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I think this is gonna come down to

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a lot of

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communication.

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Mhmm. I agree. You know, and,

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I think there's going to have to be

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some understanding, some give and take Mhmm. In

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all this. And and, you know, it it's

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gonna take a little bit I don't think

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this is anything that's gonna happen overnight. It's

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gonna take some some time and some work.

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Right. Because there's the working through the emotional

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aspect and

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how, if in any way, the kink life

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is touching on stuff that the submissive partner

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is dealing with or has dealt with in

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the past. And then there's figuring out what

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power exchange means to each of them as

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individuals and then together. Like, this is a

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long journey kind of process with a lot

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of,

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what's the word I want, looking within, figuring

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yourself out, and then also figuring out how

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how that relates to one another and how

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you both relate to each other within this

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dynamic.

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And also being very,

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honest with yourselves about, is it a dynamic

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that is best for your relationship?

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Or, you know, as the question starts out

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in kink play, should it be kept to

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bedroom only, kinky activities

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when in the mood only? And there's no

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right answer for sure. It's it's gonna come

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down to what is needed for everybody to

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Right. Stay mentally and emotionally healthy for sure.

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Mhmm.

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A couple of things that came up for

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me in this question.

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Have y'all had the conversation

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about

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what it means for you to be the

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dominant, what it means for your partner to

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be the submissive, how you define those things

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for yourselves, and then how that comes together

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in your power exchange. There is a difference

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to me between kink play and a power

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dynamic you try to live. Mhmm. They can

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go hand in hand, but they're not it's

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not the same thing automatically. No. And especially

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if your wife is

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doing that push and pull of, am I

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submissive? Is this what I want? You know,

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sometimes it's having to,

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you know, sort of

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move beyond what we've most of us have

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been taught and socialized to be, especially as

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women of, you know,

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don't behave in this way, don't want what

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you want. It I'm of that, you know,

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young gen x

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elder millennial thing of you better be an

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independent woman because your mothers and grandmothers fought

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for this.

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And so the idea of then being a

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submissive purposely being submissive in a relationship is,

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like,

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are my feminist ancestors rolling in their graves

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right now? So you there's some of that

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that might have to be

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thought about again and and looked through in

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a different lens and

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reconciled with who you want to be versus

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who you think you are versus what society

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expects you to be.

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And if that

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exploration is not being done, then it can

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absolutely lead to internal conflict.

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There's also we talked about this in last

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week's,

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q and a of figuring out what your

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personal definitions for dominance and submission are. If

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you are basing your kink play or your

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power dynamic off of

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what other people have told you dominance and

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submission are supposed to be, and that does

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not

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work with who you are as a person,

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that creates an immediate conflict that, you know,

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is is hard to reconcile, and then people

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can do struggle with that push and pull.

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Yeah. So there's that as well.

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I agree with you that flexibility

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is gonna be key here.

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Yeah. If your partner's having a day or

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a week or a moment where the power

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exchange works just like you want it to,

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and then

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10 minutes from now, tomorrow,

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next week, It's not. There's gonna have to

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be some understanding between the 2 of you

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that she's not failing,

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and you are not being somehow less dominant

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by understanding that flexibility is required here.

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The other thing,

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that came to mind, and this is a

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a thing that will not work for everybody,

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but I just wanna throw it out there

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as something to

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consider.

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If for you as the dominant, this speaks

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to you, then feel free. If it resonates,

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go for it. Reject it if it doesn't.

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Caregiver

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doms,

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in my experience,

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can't seem to be able

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to find ways forward where they can be

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both the dominant that they wanna be and

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take care of

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their submissive partner in the way that your

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submissive partner needs to be. It is entirely

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possible

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that there are times when what your submissive

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needs is strict rules and high expectations and

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lots of protocol and rituals and whatever.

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And, you know, you can tap into that

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and go, this is what we do. And

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then there may be times when what your

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submissive partner needs is to be taken care

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of. Being taken care of looks like a

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lot of things. Sometimes it looks like

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enforcing bedtimes and enforcing rules that are good

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for your partner. And so you still have

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the control, but ultimately they're taking care of

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themselves.

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Consent is required from everybody involved for that

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to work. Yes. Yes. Yes. You do not

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have to use terms like daddy, mommy, like

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any of those words. If those don't feel

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right, don't use them. But the concept of

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caregiving,

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sometimes,

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like, broadly referred to as soft doms. I

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don't love that term because I don't those

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are not those they're not terms I like.

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But caregiving,

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nurturing, taking care of, there can absolutely be

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control and power in that. Right. And sometimes

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that might be what a submissive needs, short

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term or long term,

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as long as they're willing to accept. And

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and and don't think that, you know, because

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a lot of times the world has thrown

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out this image, you know, of of a

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dom, you know, the this pillar of strength,

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you know, whether whether you're a high protocol

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Dom, you know, or or or or a,

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you know, owner,

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slave, or anything like that, you know, you

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gotta take care

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of your take care of your toys.

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Gotta take care, you know.

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So one way or another, you you're, you

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know, you're taking care. You have to. Right.

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I think this would be much more purposeful

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based on what your submissive needs. And if

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it works for her

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so that she can still feel the dynamic

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when she may be unable

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to meet a higher standard that y'all have

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when everything's going well for her. Now that

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is assuming that part of her conflict comes

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from

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past trauma, the medication she may be on,

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her mental health,

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or is the conflict coming from she has

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not yet figured out what submission means to

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her and has not reconciled her submission with

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what others have told her she's supposed to

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be? And that can be a completely separate

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thing. And that reconciliation for somebody when they

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come to that understanding of themselves and that

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comfort level with understanding themselves,

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that that can change everything so that you

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can have whatever kind of dynamic works for

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whoever y'all are. So there's gotta be a

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lot of communication going on. Yeah. The other

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thing that came to mind, because we have

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done this

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in different

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circumstances,

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but I think the concept works in anything.

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It is entirely possible that you will not

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know from one moment to the next, is

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my submissive in a headspace for our typical

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dynamic, or do they need softer, gentler care?

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Or do they need something that's not within

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the dynamic?

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The thing I would recommend for you to

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talk to together

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is to come up with it's a little

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bit like a safe word, but it's sort

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of a code word. It's a phrase. It's

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a word

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sending a text. It's in that case, it

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could just be an emoji. Something that signals

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to you that your submissive is not in

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the headspace that they were previously, and they

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cannot do what they were just doing or

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what you expect them to do based on

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where you thought the dynamic was in this

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moment.

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Maybe you already have something like that for

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the rest of your life. I would absolutely

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recommend adopting it for your kink life. If

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you don't have it anywhere, I recommend it.

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This all transfers.

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We

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JB has what we call a safe word

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for when I,

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am info dumping too much, and I am

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running away with a conversation. And

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him just being my dom is not enough

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to get him to shut me up. I

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am I've moved beyond who I am as

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a submissive, and I am Information overload. And

294
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I'm just running off at the mouth so

295
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bad that he just we created a word

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that does not fit with anything. Yep.

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And I know that when I hear that

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I've gone too far, I need to pull

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back. That's a completely different situation than what

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we're describing here, but the concept remains. Yeah.

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What

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will make it easy

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for your submissive to communicate where their headspace

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is and make it easy for you to

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understand, oh, I've gotta switch tactics here. I've

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00:11:29,809 --> 00:11:31,730
gotta Mhmm. Gotta do an about face. We

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gotta do something different. This is not working.

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And, again, that's a thing you discuss together

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that you come up with that you can

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both agree on,

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and then it has to be done without

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judgment. It has to be done you know,

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when you hear that word from your

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submissive, you cannot, you know, let yourself think

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that you're being a bad dom or they're

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being a bad submissive. You want to do

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your best to not have any outward sign

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of emotional impact beyond I'm I understand and

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I support you and I'm here for you.

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At the same time, your submissive needs to

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understand that they are not failing as a

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submissive for needing that moment, that they

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need to communicate that to you

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in order for you both to trust each

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other.

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Because you could I I with this question,

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it tells me you don't want to accidentally

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do harm to your partner by pushing too

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hard when they're not in the space that

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they can handle it.

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This is a way and sometimes this is

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the framing you need to use for a

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submissive partner.

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This is how

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you

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keep them safe and you keep yourself safe

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by not unintentionally

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causing harm. They have to do their part.

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They just have to say the words, send

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the text with the emoji,

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raise the white flag, whatever the signal is

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that works best for

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y'all's communication styles and and your submissive comfort

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level and all that good stuff. But find

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that signal so you know where they're at

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at any given moment instead of playing this

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constant guessing game of, are we in dynamic?

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Are we not? Should I be the strict

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dom, or should I be the softer caregiver?

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Whatever whatever. Like, who do I need to

351
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be in this moment? Because you're not a

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mind reader. You

353
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probably have, over time, learned your partner's tells,

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and you will learn more as you go.

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But that's not a guarantee of anything, and

356
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:14,084
you should not be expected to read their

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mind and just know what's happening. That's

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unrealistic. That's unfair to you. It's unfair to

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your partner.

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So, yeah, I

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I could not tell you how to, quote,

362
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fix anything

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or to have a very specific dynamic, but

364
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I think you can put different tactics in

365
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place that help you get to where you

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want to be. And I agree with you

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completely. If if y'all are not already or

368
00:13:38,245 --> 00:13:40,325
if your partner is not already, a kink

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friendly

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therapist,

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you know, mental health counselor, whatever,

372
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is a great first step. Because then when

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they're kink friendly or kink aware, you can

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then talk about, hey. Here's where my head's

375
00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:52,660
at, and here's

376
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the the power exchange part that I'm trying

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to do, and here's the conflict.

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I will put a link in the places

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to where you can search

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for kink aware professionals.

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It's heavily geared towards the US, but I

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believe there are

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non US,

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providers who have listed themselves. And it's not

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00:14:12,115 --> 00:14:14,534
just therapists. It's other professionals as well.

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And in, you know, some cases, you know,

387
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telehealth does exist, and depending on licensing and

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requirements and all this stuff I don't know

389
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,399
anything about Yeah. You might not have to

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00:14:25,399 --> 00:14:27,639
find somebody who lives right where you are.

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You might be able to find somebody that

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you can, you know, get online with and

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00:14:31,399 --> 00:14:32,804
have those conversations with.

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So that's definitely that's

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if that's already happening, that's the first step,

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I think.

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But, yeah,

398
00:14:40,565 --> 00:14:41,065
that's

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that's what I think. And is that what

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00:14:44,004 --> 00:14:45,940
you think? That's kinda what I think. That's

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00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:47,160
what we think. Yep.

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00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:49,220
Thanks for listening to this week's q and

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00:14:49,220 --> 00:14:50,660
a episode. If you want us to answer

404
00:14:50,660 --> 00:14:52,500
one of your questions, just use the contact

405
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:53,960
page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,

406
00:14:54,899 --> 00:14:56,100
or you can find the link in the

407
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:57,860
show notes. Big thanks as always to our

408
00:14:57,860 --> 00:15:00,134
kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to

409
00:15:00,134 --> 00:15:01,975
do this podcast and keep it going and

410
00:15:01,975 --> 00:15:04,615
help kinksters due to your support. If you'd

411
00:15:04,615 --> 00:15:05,975
like to be part of our community and

412
00:15:05,975 --> 00:15:07,894
get access to extra content and a Discord

413
00:15:07,894 --> 00:15:09,575
server with a group of super cool, super

414
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,495
nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join

415
00:15:11,495 --> 00:15:12,235
us at patreon.com/kayla

416
00:15:13,254 --> 00:15:14,769
lords. That's patreon.com/kayla

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00:15:15,950 --> 00:15:17,470
lords, or use the link in the show

418
00:15:17,470 --> 00:15:17,970
notes.