You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast episode
425.
Kayla Lurtz here with the one, the only
guy who could put up with whatever I
am, John Brownstone,
and is clearly also kind of a masochist
because he seems to enjoy it. That's all
I'm saying.
He hadn't been screaming into the night yet.
So Not yet. No. After how many years?
Right. Yeah. You've you've kinda done this to
yourself.
And And for the long haul now live
with the consequences of your choices. Every day.
Every day. I know.
Look. Over my shoulders. Your life would be
colorless,
dull, and muted without me in it. And
we both know this to be true. Be
a be like a black and white photo
from the dust bowl. Right. Exact exactly.
Exactly.
Anyway, that's not what we're talking about today.
Although
my ability to tease like that,
is part of the conversation
because
Yeah. It's a it's a thing that is,
I feel like it's slowly warming back up
and coming back online.
This week we are,
talking about the reemergence,
the reconnection
to our kinky selves, what it's felt like,
what we've noticed,
where we're each individually
at,
in that journey. So, yeah, that's what we're
gonna talk about this week. Welcome to the
Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first
time listening, glad to have you. If you're
back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM
is produced every Monday Friday for your kinky
pleasure and education. Show notes are found at
lovingbdsm.net.
Go back often and feel free to add
the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You
could also follow the show on Fetlife at
loving BDSM
PC
on Instagram and technically threads at that handle
I will forever fucking hate.
Loving d s and the number one. So
it's at loving d s one. And if
you think that's a
weird, ugly handle, yeah, me too. That's why
I hate it.
On Blue Sky,
it's at loving BDSM and then a whole
bunch of stuff after it. So just, you
know, search us as loving BDSM. We're there.
Or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving
BDSM, where you can watch us live stream
the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in
the show notes.
Okay. So before we get into this week's
episode, announcements.
The first one is,
apparently time is moving even faster than before.
Wow. Because this Friday, January 17th yes. I
looked at a calendar 5 times
to know that I'm saying correctly. January 17th
is our Friday night livestream virtual launch. Starts
at 9:30 PM EST.
We are making a change for 2025 because
we are trying to get our lives back.
We are ending at 11 PM EST. We
used to go till midnight.
We don't have that kind of stamina. Our
our Saturdays cannot handle that. So we're gonna
end at 11. That's part q and a,
part just chatting and whatevering. Mhmm.
So, yeah, that that will be,
this Friday for podcast listeners. That's the day
this episode comes out.
It is the 3rd
Friday of every month.
That sometimes changes in December because holidays, but
3rd Friday,
ta da.
Next announcement.
I sucked up about 15 minutes of time
last week talking about it, so I'll make
it a little shorter this time. You know,
14 minutes.
We're in our annual
Patreon membership drive. Look. You are welcome to,
encouraged, and invited to join our Patreon at
any point in the year, but there are
some perks if you join during the membership
drop. So first of all, you can join
for as little as $2 a month. No
matter what tier you select, you get, several
of the same perks. Access to our Discord
server. It is the only way to get
access to that server.
Behind the scenes,
podcast episode where this year, we're gonna talk
about what all of what's going on in
our life, but we're also gonna focus on
what what kind of progress we're making towards
getting our DSLs
back.
And then we alternate
months between a game night and a movie
night. Game night is Cards Against Humanity, where
we find out that we are all going
to hell.
And movie night Which will be in good
company. Right. I know. And movie night is
probably gonna focus on kink BDSM
movies, but then there's holidays and we might
watch something else. This that's new this year,
so it will be a learning curve to
do that. Mhmm.
If you,
join the $5 tier, you get access to
something new that JB is doing, bedtime stories
with JB,
audio recordings of JB's voice. Mine will be
nowhere near it. It's all him, if you
like listening. And $10 tier, you get access
to every digital product that's usually on our
Etsy store, coloring books, workbooks, planner sheets. You
get all that,
at no additional cost. You can download anytime
you need.
If you join during the membership drive though,
if you sign up as an annual member,
you get 2 months free. You pay for
10 months. You get access for a year.
Regardless of how you join monthly or annual,
everybody who joins during the membership drive through
February 15,
2025
will get a goodie, an extra thing that
you're not having to pay extra for. It's
part of a membership.
So everybody's gonna get a new
BDSM workbook that I'm in the process of
writing and is solely focused on communication.
I started, like, brain dumping ideas today, and
I can already visualize the structure. I hope
it's good. Everybody gets that. If you are
in the $10
tier during our membership drive, you will get
an exclusive
10th anniversary
loving BDSM,
enamel pin. I still have to get the
design finalized for that, but it'll be our
logo. And then it'll say something like 10th
anniversary, 2015 to 2025,
because, yes,
2025
is our 10th podcast
anniversary.
So that is
the Patreon. I tried to say it fast
and not suck up too much time.
The link is in the places. I also
have a
blog post,
on the Loving BDSM website that outlines everything
I just rushed through. So if you are
a person who needs to go back and,
like, read it for yourself, it's there.
So yeah.
We we would love to have any and
all of you. For anybody who's like, I'd
love to do that. I'd love to support
you, but I am broke. Man, I feel
you. Okay?
I feel you. If you want to support
the work we do,
where it is safe for you to do
in the online spaces that is safe for
you to do this, feel free to share
our website, our podcast, our YouTube channel
a helpful episode, something that helped you personally.
You know? Share it in the places where
it makes sense to do.
Spreading the word
for more kinksters to find us
goes a long way and definitely supports us,
and we are grateful for that.
Okay. I'm gonna stop the, sales pitch. Okay.
Okay. We're gonna get into
the episode.
Cool. Cool.
Okay. Let's see. So
this episode
originally started out when I was jotting notes
down. I have so many notes y'all. I'm
I'm not organized, but I am attempting.
Because I was had been thinking
before the end of 2024, I think we
were still in, like, November time frame, maybe
early December,
about
I could feel my baby girl side
peeking her head like like a mere cat.
Not quite sure.
She she is up like a mere cat
now and is fully visible
to,
JB's detriment.
And, you know, I I've been thinking about
that because I could see things,
like, clearly happening, and I, you know, I
like to analyze every freaking thing I do
and say and think. Anyway,
and I thought that was gonna be the
topic
originally. And then when JB said at the
end of 2024 that he just doesn't even
feel like his dominant self, and that's what
he'd like to get back to, I was
like, oh,
that makes a better conversation if we talk
about both sides of the slash.
But we are at different points Mhmm. In
that journey, in that experience.
It is something I think that we are
going through as individuals
Yeah. That is
currently impacting in a positive way our power
exchange, but
it's it's not at the same pace, and
the impact is gonna shift and change over
time. Something that we're each going through
individually, but also together. Right. Right. Yeah. So
we're gonna talk about our own individual perspectives
and, you know, where we can see it
impacting our power exchange.
The thing for anybody watching, you do not
have to relate to being a daddy dom.
You do not have to relate to being
a baby girl.
Any part of your kinky self,
if you've have had the experience or are
going through the experience
of kind of having to, like, push that
down because the rest of life is lifing,
I I I think that would be relatable.
So the things I'm doing or that JB
is doing will not be a one to
1, hey. Do this, because it won't apply
to everybody. But just the
the act of thinking about it and focusing
on it and
maybe doing some obsessive
anal analyzing like I do. You know? Whatever.
Hopefully, can help anybody else out there maybe
going through something similar.
So
when we when I we were talking about
doing this topic this week, you weren't even
sure how you wanted to contribute to the
conversation because you weren't sure if you were
ready to talk about it or what you
had to say. Correct. But I suck up
all the oxygen
always.
So
I would like to hear your perspective as
a dom, as a daddy, as well. I
was prepared to just sit here and and
look cute. You did that for the video
we recorded earlier today.
Anybody wants to time it? I think you
spoke about
3 minutes, over 15 minutes. Pretty much. But,
you know, you I mean, I I set
the tone and you
That's true. And you kinda, like, sit back
and let me go. Yeah. Right. So
I would like to return the favor. Return
the favor. Okay.
So what what has this been like for
you? How is it starting? What's it feeling
like? It it feels good. I I think
one of the one of the,
big things that I I
am kind of surprised at, but happy for.
Mhmm.
A lot of it is coming back as
muscle memory. Mhmm. Mhmm.
Alright.
And
which I'm grateful for because that had me
a little
nervous. Well, like, you forgot maybe you forgot
how to do this. Well, you know, certain
things, you know, they always say,
you know, use it or lose it. Sure.
Sure. Sure. Okay? Mhmm. And and, you know,
I I know that just like I've been
removed from IT for, you know, how many
years now. Right. You know, I
the the stuff today
is not Not the same. Yeah. Not the
same. So, you know, it's it it kinda
goes with that. So I it so for
that aspect, yes. I'm I'm I'm very grateful
that, you know, that that is still there.
I I think what I
enjoy
I I have been, you know, like I
said earlier, my my word
for the year is mindfulness.
And and I find myself, you know, thinking
about bedtime.
Okay. Okay. And not just because you're ready
to go to sleep. And not just because
I'm ready to go to sleep. Yeah. No
no no no no.
Okay.
No. I'm I'm I'm thinking about,
what can I do this evening?
Well
How can I, you know yeah? So when
you tease the shit out of me with,
like, half a butt rub, that's, like, intentional?
Great.
Thank you, daddy. I appreciate you so much.
You're welcome, baby girl.
Okay. So what else other than torturing me
at bedtime
you know, right now, I I think that's
the two main things that I've I've been
seeing and kind of feeling.
When can you pinpoint when
that started
popping up for you? Like, when you felt
like you could do that or it started
back up?
I I think I I felt the
first twinges
probably
early last week.
Yeah. That feels about right. You know, I
I I would have to say, I,
you know, it kinda
like with you peeking out, it it kinda
peaked out for me over break when we
took our our winter break. Yeah.
And,
it just kinda kept
building momentum from there. Does it
you know, it's muscle memory and now you're,
like, anticipating bedtime and planning and
is it a strange feeling? Is it an
exciting feeling? Is it is it I mean,
I'm assuming good or Yeah. We would not
be here. But
but, like, how is it making you feel?
Good.
Good. Okay.
And and also,
I I think the the word I would
have to say is
is trepiditious, maybe. Mhmm. Mhmm. A little nervous.
Yeah. A little little nervous about it, you
know,
because it has, you
know, been a bit. Mhmm.
And,
you know, yeah. It it's it's good, but
there's still that little,
you know,
hinge there. Yeah.
It's probably too soon for you since, like
you said, for you, it's kinda started literally
a week ago. Mhmm.
Do you
notice
a difference yet between
when you used to be able to just
do this naturally and how it feels now,
or is it just too was it too
soon? You know what? I I am not
I I thus far, I have done fairly
well
of not comparing the 2.
Mhmm. And I'm trying not to. Yeah. I
I don't want to do that if I
can help it. Mhmm. If that makes any
sense. No. That makes sense. I'm I'm the
in the same boat. I'm not I would
not purposely make a comparison. I think it's
more of a, if it hit me that,
oh, this is actively different in whatever way,
then I might notice it. And so I
just wondered if you noticed it.
Yeah. That's
Okay. And because we'll probably get to this
as we go. But the little changes that
you have felt
with yourself and the the changes you're experiencing,
do you see
how it is impacting
our relationship together?
I I think I see how it's impacting
everything
with us together. Okay. Okay?
There is
a certain,
I can't think of the word, feeling Mhmm.
Difference in the way
things have been?
Like, do you mean in our interactions or
just is it the is it the vibe
that's feeling different? Or
It it's the interaction.
It it's the interaction, and I think it's
just in all aspects
of us, not just in our DS, but,
you know, in our in our work, in
our personal
it it's it's like
it it is a whole different feeling.
At least to me, it is. Right. Right.
And I I'm how am I trying to
so new for you because it's just now
starting for you. I don't know
how to I don't even know what I'm
trying to ask, but I do know what
I'm trying to ask.
I'm so great at this podcasting thing.
It's I think it's more of a
how since you have said you you feel
it in all parts of our lives,
how does that seem to be manifesting for
you? Like, what are you seeing or feeling?
Are there any specifics?
I I can't really pinpoint any specifics right
now. It's it's just a feeling. It's It's
a vibe. It it's a vibe. The vibe.
Yeah. It's the way,
things are flowing between us. Mhmm. Okay.
You know, that's that's kind of what meh.
I will say you got you got a
little testy we got a little testy with
one another, but you got a little testy
with me,
sometime in the past week. And it Yeah.
A couple days ago. Yeah. It was easier
to, like,
get to that point of turning that off.
Not turning off how we feel, but, like,
coming back to center, which is Mhmm. It
is us against the against the problem. Like,
neither of us was saying anything contrary to
what the other was saying. We were literally
on the same page. We just used different
words. Mhmm.
And me going, hey. Hey. Hey. I agree
with you. I'm saying it differently, but I
completely agree with you. We're on the same
team.
You heard that better than who you have
in a long, long time.
Long time, y'all. Yep.
Once once you said that, yeah, I am
I yeah. Mhmm.
Yeah. Yep. And which was kind of a
relief because right now, knock on some kind
of wood,
you know. Yeah. Here. It's not it's
not nothing
is bad. Anything that's not great is manageable.
Nothing like there's
like, there should be no reason for us
to be at each other's throat. And
especially not when we're trying to say the
same thing, but literally just using different words.
Different words. Yep. Yep. I don't know how
we do that. I don't know how we
could be in complete disagreement
and yet be on opposite ends of the
conversation.
But it's so wild.
So from your perspective and and finding your
now here's the other thing I would ask
real quick.
It's so new. Maybe you haven't had a
chance to, like, parse it out in your
mind. Mhmm. What's coming back to you? Is
it general dominance? Is it daddy
dominance? What what are you feeling? All of
the above. Gotcha. All of the above.
Yeah. Okay. Mhmm. We will have to check-in
again several months when both of us had
have had time, but JB's had, like, more
time to really process what he's feeling. Because
I have at least,
on some levels,
been noticing this for myself,
like I said, since November, December time.
So is there anything else you would like
to add about
your perspective as a dominant?
Okay. So
Spotlight on you.
So I'll say this. For me,
the thing that came back first that I
noticed
was my baby girl side. Now for anybody
who happens to be new here and and
I haven't said it in a long time,
the way I define my baby girl side,
it is sort of on the little spectrum,
but it is not
like, I put it on the my baby
girl ness on the little spectrum because
I like things that would not be considered
adult or age appropriate. I can behave in
ways that would not look like, you know,
a functioning adult should probably behave. I will
whine. I will pout.
You know? I will jump up and down
and, you know, like most mature adults don't.
Right? Like, I'll I'll have those reactions that
are kind of childlike,
but I do not have an age. I
do not have specific childlike activities. There are
things I like to do, but I don't
have any that I gravitate towards.
And, you know, we don't spend
specific
time
in that
daddy little space with one another. The baby
girl part of me, it just is part
of everything I do.
In general, it's a vibe more than anything
else. So that's how I define it. You
can define it differently for yourself. I don't
care. None of my business. That's how I
define it. So I feel like I'm in
the little world, but I would not, you
know, classify myself as a little like others
might.
Anyway, so here's how I noticed it coming
back first, and I think you noticed it.
When I say it, you're gonna remember.
I got very comfortable with whining
very quickly.
Like, out of nowhere. Like, one day, I
was, like, this tense,
like, stressed out, like, mom person who was
just, like, real short and sharp and just
let's get shit done, and I don't have
time and patience. And then another moment, I
was, but I don't wanna do that.
What happened? The whining is strong with this
one. It is. Oh my god.
The when I like, I don't know if
it was as the words are coming out
of my mouth or if it was in
the millisecond after, but I went,
holy shit. Like, all internally. Like, what?
Who? Where?
And then, of course, anybody who knows me
or has been here long enough knows I
have to analyze that shit. Why did that
happen?
It took me a while because I think
I whined, like, once, and then you gave
me a weird look because it had been
a while. Mhmm. And then we went about
our, like, life. And then, you know, within
days,
it when I was upset about something, it
was
I don't there was nothing mature. I was
very pouty whiny. I don't nothing mature.
I was very pouty whiny.
I don't wanna. Why do I have to
do this? And what I realized
is that for me to even have ever
shown my baby girl side in the first
place,
I had to have a sense of safety.
I had to feel like Right. You know,
it was okay for me to do this.
Now, hold tight, Bill, with JB, it's always
been okay for me to do this, but
I think the the sense of safety had
to be
within myself as well. And, you know,
for my whole life, but, like, for the
past several years, I've had to stay in
a certain controlled
mode of, at any point, shit will hit
the fan and I better be prepared for
it, which does not always leave a lot
of time to just relax into a more
childlike
style. Right? A a less mature style,
of being. And so
I was like, oh, I'm I'm complaining.
But,
clearly, I'm feeling something
that is allowing me
to to start here. And I think maybe
the first couple times I did it was
sort of like like raising a flag to
see how you would
react. Like, again, a testing order is, is
it safe to soften? Is it safe to
just
let go
of the being a completely responsible adult 247?
It's awful. Do not recommend.
So that's I don't know how long that
lasted where it was just it was not
constant whining. No. No. No. I got shit
to do, and I'm a grown ass adult.
But if I was unhappy and it was
small stuff. It was it was when I
was unhappy
about
thing choices my my daddy dom was making.
Like, was it time to go to bed?
I wasn't ready to go to sleep.
Was it time to turn out the turn
off the bedroom lamp, which is the signal
of put your phone slash book down.
Like, it's time to actually attempt to go
to sleep. I was not ready.
Was my butt rubbed long enough? Never. The
limit does not exist. Okay?
And it was stuff like that. I think
that's a given between,
you know, you with the butt rubs, Lola
with belly rubs, you know, never there there
is no such thing. I can never rub
enough for either of you. Just saying.
So,
you know, it was in those moments. It
was in our very
DSC kind of moments. I think I might
have even whined over a task that I
have done every day for
clear literally over 10 years now, cause we
moved in together in 2014.
Like,
and it was a way to
safely,
share my
unhappiness,
but in a way that I that
we used to do that you recognize
is not me coming at you as an
equal
in the this is a problem in our
life and we need to fix. It's a
Right.
I know I have to do these things,
but I don't wanna do them. And I'm
letting you make me do them because that's
how this works, but, it kinda sucks. And
then some point after I think it was
maybe a week or so. Might have been
less, might have been more.
The positive side started to come out. I
started to
y'all, I literally was giggling. Not always, not
at everything.
But
JB would say something in his daddy dom
voice, and I would just, like, tit her
as though like, it was
that's so weird.
That's so weird. I was like, what is
happening?
He would you know, we would have good
news or we'd have a moment that was,
like, really positive. And I'd be like, yay.
And jumping up at, like, just
not the
the part of me that I had been
allowed to inhabit or felt like I could
inhabit
consistently
for a while. Like, there was because the
baby girl side of me is is part
of who I am,
yet absolutely peaked out, you know,
for the past several years
as, you know, new life life.
But to have a consistent
experience with it, that was unheard of anymore.
And it was just
it was just sort of coming out of
me, and I was realizing, okay, if I
felt and this was
my the part of my brain that does
all the analysis. I was like, if I
was safe enough to
to
show negative emotion and to say I don't
like this, I don't want this in a
cutesy safe way, then clearly
I am safe enough to relax completely into
that
no thoughts, just vibes. I'll giggle my way
through this good thing, whatever this good thing
might be.
Like, JB bringing me a treat or him
stopping so we could get a diet coke
without me asking. O m g. Look. The
weight of my heart is little
treats. Snacky snacks and drinky drinks while we're
out.
Get me every time.
Bring me one home when I wasn't expecting
it. You'll get a blow job within, like,
5 seconds. I'm just saying.
Just saying.
JB's like, wait. I need to rethink this.
Which I find ironic. You can have one
whenever the fuck you want. That's how we
roll. Right.
Now here's the other thing that started happening,
and this was more towards towards our break
time. When we finally could relax, we did
the thing we have not done in years
and took an actual break. Yep. I mean,
I still had some work, but it was
so minimal.
And there were several days we didn't do
anything.
And I think I talked about this last
week, is where our sex life came back.
And it and so and I think part
of this is because my baby girl side,
my submissive side,
they're all interconnected.
Just because one facet of my personality peaks
up doesn't mean the the rest is not
there.
So to be relaxed and safe enough
to baby girl it up
led to,
you know, plus I'm on the right combination
of medication right now, led to an increase
in libido and, like, a desire for sex.
And then we did the thing that I
still, after all these years in a relationship
with you, 13. We've known each other 13
years.
I actually finally just said, let's talk about
how I like to have sex,
Jamie. Now did I start the meeting that
way? No.
It was an organic
conversation because, see, free use never went away
in our relationship. We've modified it over the
years to, you know, based on my health
and my libido and and JB's health and
mental health and all of that. But we
hadn't had a real conversation about it in
a very long time. And so
JB, you know, did what we all do
as humans. He had this, like, routine he
would follow of, I woke up. I'm ready
to fuck. Let me hit the right
order
of magic buttons Ding ding ding. On Kayla
to to kinda prime the well.
Let me squeeze out a whole tube of
loo,
and then we have sex. And I was
fine with it because I just wanted him
to get the fuck if he wanted to
fuck. If I had an orgasm, I don't
care. Like,
it it was fine.
But it, like, it wasn't a thing, I
think, either of us were like, oh, I
wonder if this will happen. Because we are
absolutely at a point in our life, We
can't say, oh, tomorrow morning, we're definitely gonna
have sex. We have to wake up and
go,
did the stars align? Will my body let
me move that way? Right? I'm like,
is my body functioning the way it's supposed
to? Can I do this?
So, you know,
he start this is why I was kinda
surprised when you said for you, you've only
felt it in the past little bit. Mhmm.
Because
it felt like kind of out of nowhere.
I think it's because I said something. I
was like, man, if you pull my hair,
you can get anything you want. That's true.
And it's so funny. You forget what you
have to remind a partner of. I thought
that was understood by every fucking body who
knows us in a kinks since I, like,
want I want my hair pulled consensually,
please.
But, you know, we've been stuck in our
heads for so long, and we were out
of practice for a minute. I think it
was when I finally said, oh god. I
love it when you pull my hair. But
he started pulling my hair more. Well, guess
what?
I'm turned on more.
It's
one of the magic buttons that works every
time.
And, well, with you doing that more consistently
and when I said consistently, not in a
pattern. I don't know when I'm gonna get
yanked back by my hair.
Your timing is almost always great, though. It's
great.
Sorry. I'm reliving some moments.
Pardon me.
So
in that,
you were pulling my hair.
We have a when we're both really into
the fucking that is happening,
there are certain things that JB does because
my body reacts in certain ways. Face tapping.
Oh, yeah.
Hard ass smack
on my ass. Like, all kinds of stuff.
And your girl is crying for you.
Lola's in the other room. She thinks she's
been abandoned.
So,
you know, our sex got better.
And then
I finally just
told him some stuff that I should have
said
forever ago, but I didn't
I didn't care about sex
in the way that I would like to
care about sex with my partner.
But, like, I just it didn't matter. It
was like, whatever whatever JB wants, I'll go
with it. And it started to matter again.
It started to be like, yeah. Yeah. I'm
happy to give him whatever he wants the
way he wants,
but actually, here are some things that I
would really enjoy, and I finally just fucking
said them.
I know we preach, like,
you know, clear communication,
transparency,
say the hard thing,
but it's so easy in a long term
relationship to just kinda get into your patterns
and go, well, they know that. I don't
have to say it.
But no. You sometimes still need to say
it. If nothing else, to just give the
little nudge that yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is
the thing I still want.
So we did. We sat down, middle of
our break here in the office away from,
like, you know, teenage years.
And I was like, hey. I need to
tell you,
what is working for me. And so we
have that conversation. Well, then
once the sex got kinkier and I felt
submissive in that space,
it was easier
to feel submissive
out of that space.
So we've talked about this many times over
the years. My submission is fairly autonomous.
He gives me the tasks. I just go
fucking do them. So he doesn't have to
do a whole bunch of oversight that can
be overwhelming for him. Well, when you put
your power exchange on autopilot like we had
for the past few years,
that means that when you're doing things autonomously
on autopilot,
there's no oversight ever. So there was almost
no real interaction consistently
that made me feel submissive. I had to
kinda get myself into that headspace going, I'm
making his coffee because I am submissive. I
am bit like, my my one time a
day where it's guaranteed
was bent over the bed ready to go
to sleep. How what is he gonna do
to my butt next? Right? Like but that
wasn't enough. Right?
It was enough to get us through. It
was not enough for
where we're kind of at now, where we're
getting to. Like your food.
Hi, love, love.
So having that conversation, and I think we
even
talked about this last week. You know? He
started making changes to our to how we
were having sex. He had I had to
nudge him when he forgot because old habits,
all that good stuff.
But feeling submissive in the bedroom, which because
sex and kink
sometimes often go together for us. We can
do kink without sex. We cannot do sex
without kink.
What I noticed how that transferred and it
I think it started maybe a little bit
before the sex life got better. Maybe it
was at the same time.
I have a bad memory for time things.
That's when I noticed I started doing that
thing that we talked about where
we're out in public, and I'll just follow
you like a duckling. I don't. I can
just turn my brain on. And I was
the thing was I could always have done
that, but I had forgotten. My brain had
to be on all the time to deal
with whatever was gonna happen next, to worry
about the next thing that needed to be
worried about. There was no shutting off the
brain. Who had that luxury?
Couldn't even shut it off when I was
sleeping. The amount of stress dreams that I
had
for a while. Oh my god.
So realizing that I could just turn my
brain off and let you, like, do your
thing. That's a hard habit for me. That's
hard for me. I have thoughts. I have
opinions, and I have questions.
But doing it felt so good that I
was like, oh, I wanna I wanna do
this more often. Right? Now
let's be clear. I was doing that under
my own power, my own control. JB probably
wasn't even clocking it at first. I think
you might notice it now because we've talked
about it. You didn't know what the hell
was happening.
So was it really submission? Something. I just
wasn't sure what. So was it submission?
Maybe not. But I was,
you know, maybe not in the technical definition.
He was not controlling any of it. I
was doing it, but I was doing it
based on what I knew us to be
and how things had been and who I
wanted to be. Right? So I could kind
of it's a little bit like experimenting with
my own headspace before bringing him into the
conversation
because here is the thing.
If that was a short lived thing or
if that was a thing that no longer
felt right, first of all, that'd be a
different conversation.
But if I came to you prior and
went, hey, this is what I think I
want and then I was wrong, well, that's
a disappointment. And, like, I needed to, like,
test the waters for myself. It's a little
bit like I started whining as a baby
girl to test those waters.
Because
because here's the thing, you can take the
girl out of the trust issues, but you
cannot take the trust issues out of the
girl. Okay? So
I, you know, I had to I had
to see for myself.
Well, once I realized, no. This still feels
really good, and I really enjoy this. And
I could tell you were open to the
conversation Yes. Because that's important too. If his
headspace was nowhere near, you know, domly dom
stuff, then this would've nothing would've come of
it.
We still haven't had a fuller conversation
about
if we want to change anything we're doing
in our when we're out in public.
But what I noticed
just recently was it last weekend when we
went out or is the weekend before? I
don't remember.
You started doing a thing of, oh my
god. I fucking love you'd be walking ahead
of me because I'm your duckling who is
following you. No thoughts, just vibes. And you
put your hand back with the expectation that
I'm gonna hold your hand. I was like,
oh, I love it. I love it.
I love it. I feel safe. He is
physically
guiding and leading,
and I can just
I can just exist.
I could just exist.
I could just exist. And it it's such
a good feeling. It's one of those things
where
it feels good, so you wanna keep doing
it. And as long as it continues to
feel good,
you know, it becomes this feedback loop of
I'm a keep doing it because it keeps
feeling good. It keeps feeling good, so I'm
a keep doing it. Right? And I think
if we had hit
a, like, a barrier or a a moment
of tension,
it would have fizzled, or it would have
been harder to get back in.
But I'm getting to kind of ride the
high of all everything feeling good.
Mhmm. And so then I wanna keep doing
it, and I wanna
take it to another level. And our levels
are, like, baby step levels right now. We're
not we're not going from,
oh my god. Who the hell are we
in this power exchange to, oh, this kinda
feels good to, like, some crazy high protocol,
really strict, all the obedience, like,
you know, hot and heavy scene. Like, it's
it's these little steps forward. And I think
we're both testing the waters when we do
that. I I I think we're we're both
kind of still in that
that place where we're we're dipping our toes
in.
It it's still
newish
to us. Me, a little bit more than
you.
You know, so yeah. We're I think we're
even though we know who we are Mhmm.
I I think there's, you know,
a little bit of trepidation
Mhmm. Going into it,
but, you know, I I
it it's not
stopped anything.
No. I I I it's because we're a
little uncertain,
not because we don't trust ourselves, but because
we don't trust good fortune. Well
yes.
Yes.
When it feels like every time you're like,
oh, this is the moment, it gets a
little bit better and you get smacked in
the face by stepping on the rake again,
you don't trust it anymore. Right? You get
whacked upside the head enough times. It's, you
know, yeah, kind of a deterrent. And right.
And you know, here's the other thing though.
We've had enough of a break from,
like, stressful like bad stress chaos Yeah. That
I feel like
we have the
many things we learned over the past few
years
from the situations we found ourselves in. But
one of those things is to be cautiously
optimistic. Yes. We are not blindly optimistic. We're
running in with no thought and no whatever,
but we're not pessimists anymore. That was our
lowest point. Your lowest point was when you
were a pessimist, and I was like I
was I was cool on your Right.
Yes. Yes. He was.
And so we've kind of
come out of another side of it. Now
the the thing I said this last week,
there's no straight line up, down, whatever. It's
a squiggly line all the way through. So
we're gonna have stuff that,
you know, we're not elated about. We're not
excited about. We're not like, yes, let's go
jump back in again. That's stuff's gonna come
up. We've just been very fortunate Yeah. That
as we're kind of
feeling
out what
we can do, wanna do,
you know, how does it does old stuff
still feel as good as it used to?
You know? It's all been
okay.
Now something you said earlier when you were,
like, you're not even doing a comparison from
Mhmm. Then to now, I'm not doing a
comparison. I don't I don't wanna compare either.
But there is
before,
you know, before a thing happens, there is
that little niggling, like,
not fear, but close enough of
will it be as good as I remember?
Right? Not will it be the same. I
Yeah. I don't I don't I'm not worried
about it being the same. Will it still
be as good? Good. Here's what I'm noticing
from my point in this. I mean, I
Okay. You're a week and a half out.
I am only about 2 months out, y'all.
Mhmm. It's
better because of the shit we went through.
It's better because I know how bad it
was. Mhmm. It's better because I fucking appreciate
it more. Because I now have the experience
of just,
you know, white knuckling it through life, put
everything on autopilot, and just hope that you
get to the other end and still like
each other. You know? Right? Yeah. Like Yeah.
It it Yeah. I'm probably
I it could almost it's not sub frenzy.
Sub frenzy is a a thing.
Dom frenzy is an equivalent Mhmm. Is a
thing. It's not that, but there is this
extra layer of, oh my god. This is
amazing.
That is probably not
fully settled in reality. It is the high
of the good feelings and
the, you know, kinda having that moment of,
oh my god. I think we might be
back. You know? That that kind of Yeah.
That kind of vibe. And that just adds,
like, a a an a layer to it
that is I mean, I can almost get
drunk on that feeling. Just talking about it,
I'm like, oh my god. I am so
happy. Not because life is, like, fixed and
we don't have any problems. Like, no. No.
No. No.
But I think it's because I am feeling
that connection to you in ways we just
couldn't do for so long. Right. You know?
And it it's
it's wonderful. Highly recommend.
Highly recommend.
So,
a question that came up. I was thinking
about
whichever weekend it was, It was before you
kind of started having your own realizations
when you started sticking your hand out with
the expectation
that I would hold on.
What goes through your mind in moments like
that? What are you are you is it
a vibe? Are you thinking something specific?
Is it just a
I don't know. It's,
I I think it's more of a a
possessive thing.
Okay. Okay? You're feeling possessive? Yeah. I fucking
love that.
I wouldn't want that from no damn body
else, but
I like being yours in whatever way we're
defining. Like, I Right. I know. Part of
it because I like that feeling,
and there's a a dominance and a power
to it. But also there's a for me,
there's a feeling of being protected in a
way. Like, not from, like, the bad guy
or the monster, but just like like, you're
holding me close. You're gonna keep me safe.
From what? We don't know. We don't know.
It doesn't matter.
And I think here's my question to you
then. Okay.
As
everything went to shit and your
connection to your dominance diminished more and more.
That
that possessive feeling, that protective feeling. Mhmm.
Was it even there for you?
No. Mhmm. No. Mhmm.
And what's so funny is
I didn't notice it was gone. I didn't
I didn't clock it at all. But had
it appeared at any point in the past
years, I would have just
drunk it up like,
you know, puddle of water in the desert.
Like, I just Like somebody out there gonna
say somebody being in the desert. Mhmm. Yeah.
Mhmm. Yeah. And it's so funny. The things
you don't
notice
were
missing or were different until you get to
have the perspective of looking back and feeling
how it, air quote, is supposed to feel.
Because now I'm like, yeah, you were not
you would hold my hand. If I wanted
to hold your hand, you'd hold my hand.
Yeah. We love one another. Right. It was
never a matter of not wanting to be
together and not wanting to be in the
power exchange. But, man, it was so hard
to express it in these small, small ways
that right now feel big. They're so noticeable
because they weren't there.
Right? And then it feels amazing because it's
like, oh, I now I can now compare
this moment
to
3 or 4 months ago. Truly. Truly. Truly.
And it
I don't know. It's like it's like a
high. Like, I've I've like, I'm I'm riding
a fucking high right now.
Mhmm. Yeah. I think we both are.
So we can't I don't not a fan
of predictions because
I had 4 years of my predictions being
really fucking wrong
to our detriment.
Not a fan of predictions,
but
do you have any thoughts or hopes or
whatever
of
for you personally, for us together,
what kind of
what you hope to experience next, what you
hope is on the horizon, even small, like,
granular things? I don't know, like, this stuff.
I'm looking at anything
particular.
Okay. Right now, I'm I'm looking at it
as more of a,
a generalization.
Does that make sense?
And and I I just want
what has started
to build and continue. Mhmm.
Do you have any sense of where you
would like it to build to? Like, is
there and I again, not a prediction, not
a this is what, you know, we're trying
to accomplish, nothing like that. But do you
have, like, in your mind's eye sort of
this
the this thing you missed, this thing that,
you know, if we get to that point,
you would enjoy that? Like, anything like that?
I I think as far as anything I
missed that that I definitely wanna get back
to, obviously, is is, you know,
turning your cheeks red.
And not just the ones on my face
that are perpetually wrong.
Thank you, suspected rosacea and sun damage.
That's what happens when you don't start wearing
sunscreen until you're like 40.
Okay? Anyway
So Mhmm. You know, and and and as
for the other,
you know, I'm I I don't really
have any expectations
as of yet,
because, 1, I know
it's
not gonna be what it was,
obviously.
Nothing ever is.
But,
No. I don't have a plan where I
want it to go, but I want to
see where this goes organically.
Yes. I agree with that. I agree with
that. And I I definitely agree that it's
not gonna be what it was. I do
have the hope and I have the belief
I have the belief
that it's whatever it is, whatever
we look like together in our interactions
will be better. Not because we're doing kink
better. Not because we are somehow better
dom or sub,
but because we walked through fire to fucking
get here.
Like, that's why, you know, saying at the
top of the thing I say this a
lot when people are talking about conflict.
Unless the issue really is you against them
because of some interpersonal thing.
In in our situation, it has been us
against
the world, like, whatever
the universe decided to hand us. Mhmm. And,
you know, there are were many, many, many,
many, many, many, many times
where we had to remind ourselves of that.
Right? It's so easy in stressful times
to turn that stress and anger and fear
against one another. And then you're in a
dumbass fight, and you're like, I love this
mother fucker. Why are we fighting?
Alternately, you're like, oh my god. My feelings
are so hurt because he was so mean.
I love him, but does he still love
me? Because I still have some issues. Okay.
So, you know, we couldn't have seen it
then. I cannot god knows. I can't predict
the fucking future. Not gonna try.
But it's, you know, it's kind of the
thing I say to you a lot. You
have survived everything that has happened to you
thus far. Mhmm. So this time, it was
a thing we've we are making it through.
We're not through it. We're just at a
point where it doesn't suck every moment of
every day.
We've gotten to see some mild improvements that
are huge, that are life changing,
but, like, there's still some shit. Oh, god.
The bonus section is like,
oh my god. I can't No, dear. I
kinda can't wait.
But, yeah, there's that feeling of we made
it through that shit. We are making it
through that shit. We whatever comes at us,
like Mhmm. And not in a, oh, it'll
be so easy. Oh, no. I'm actually terrified
of whatever the universe is gonna throw at
us next because I know for a fact
it's not gonna be easy.
But
which also makes me enjoy this moment right
now where things are
both calmer,
weights of bone section, and in some ways
improving
enough
to just notice these small things, to enjoy
these small things. Yes. Yes. And I'm glad
you said that because that that is exactly
something because after
everything
that has gone on over the past few
years,
it has made given me a much deeper
appreciation
of what we
are doing.
Mhmm.
What we're doing
in our relationship, in life?
In in our DS. Okay. Okay. Okay. I
was like, well, make sure I'm with you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I just
it has been so nice
feeling
my baby girl side.
I'm sure you like it more when it's
the happy, cheerful baby girl,
instead of the the whining, baby girl.
I'm in pain. I can't. I'm a diet
coke. I don't wanna do that, Dottie. Okay.
And my voice really it changes. Yes. It
does. It does.
I actually
still have, like,
weird feelings about letting
the outside world
see that. Like, sometimes it comes out and
I can't stop it and yeah. Sure. And
the happy go lucky side of it. Yeah.
That's easy. But man, that part of me
that is just,
daddy, no. Like, I I'm in cringing trying
to even
Mhmm.
Mimic myself right now. Now here's what I'm
curious about
because I started coming back to myself before
you did. Mhmm. I started with whining.
You're so lucky.
How did that feel? Did you even clock
that at first? Like, what did that make
you feel like as both just my partner,
but also my daddy dog? I I did
not clock it at first. Mhmm. I I
did not. Really? Because you were giving me
serious side eye. Like, what the hell?
You know, I I think that was autopilot
at that time.
Autopilot
side eye. Oh my god.
It was very much a,
are you okay?
No. I don't wanna go to sleep.
Here's when I think I realized
on some level that you were remembering
and it was familiar again
when you started laughing. Yeah. Because look, if
I'm whining, it is not life threatening. It
is not serious. It is a small thing
that I just want the freedom to express.
I will do it because you tell me
I have to because that's how we roll,
but I don't wanna do it.
And I don't whine over the serious shit,
y'all.
Maybe I do a little bit, but, like,
I put my big girl panties on and
we move on.
But
you started laughing.
Mhmm. And first of all, as the woman
who loves you, as the submissive who wanna
makes you happy, my heart swells like the
fucking Grinch.
As a whiny baby girl
who has never dealt well with teasing, I'm
an only child. I don't know about that
life. It is so frustrating and maddening. And
so then I get frustrated in, like, a
light,
frustrating and maddening. And so then I get
frustrated in, like, a light nonserious
way. And so then he laughs harder, and
eventually, it's like his dom brain catches up.
And then it's like that darker, like, chuckle
thing that any if you've been around here
a minute, you know what he sounds like
when he does it. That. That. And I'm
like, oh, okay. The the Dom is coming
online now. Okay. Okay.
We have a full system reboot.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. That's
that seems about right. Yeah.
I do think I don't again, I'm not
making concrete plans for shit. I don't trust
concrete plans on anything anymore. No. But I
do have sort of the intention that
over the course of the year, like, 6
months, 9 months, the end of this year,
I don't fucking know. We will talk about
this again because right now, it's just the
beginning. It's that
exciting, everything feels good beginning.
And
rubber hadn't met the road yet. You know?
Something hadn't gone off the rails that we're
not expecting.
I mean god. Wait till you hit the
bonus section.
I might be building that up too much.
But
anyway.
And so we haven't had to navigate
a new stressor
with
finding ourselves again. And so I don't I
don't know what what will come of that.
I don't know
if
when we
this is all a journey. There's no, like,
destination. But I do think there is sort
of a feeling like you're your full self
again. Mhmm. Whatever that becomes, whatever that looks
like. Yeah. And however long it takes us
to kinda have that kind of feeling,
I
do think that if we are fully within
our kink selves and it's all meshed together
with with everything and that part is stronger,
whatever the stressor is, I will be curious
to see, but I hope that
we actually handle it better. Yeah. Because our
power exchange is functioning at a higher level,
and we are
comfortable
with who we are as individuals. And sometimes
that kind of acts as a little bit
of a shield at, like, the random shit
that happens.
Not the getting hit by a literal car,
child getting into a car accident,
parent passing away. Like, not that. Not that.
Okay? Not that. But, like, the small things.
Like, we're now a one car family. That's
the whole thing. So,
so yeah. Like, I think I feel like
as as this continues, assuming it will,
we'll actually handle parts of life a little
bit better.
Hopefully. Yep.
So
yeah. Yeah. I don't
I right. I for once,
I feel like I'm empty of all thoughts,
the things I might have wanted to say
about this. Wow. I know. Wow.
That does not mean that the moment we
turn off the camera and the mic, someone
go, fuck. I meant to say that. It
happens every time.
Any more thoughts from you? Anything that's come
up for you? Anything?
Okay.
K.
Okay.
I guess I could do a bonus section.
Are we good? I don't know. I don't
know.
Keep it kinky y'all. And we'll see you
next week.
Yes, baby girl.
Can we inundate our crickets with all some
of the weirdness that's happened in the past
week?
I wouldn't
overwhelm them with shit. But, you know You
know what? It's we have such a good
sense of humor. It feels like a lot.
It feels chaotic. Let's just put it that
way. It it's all we're fine. So let's
start with the top one. We should be
giving you a Loa update on her eye
surgery. Less than an hour after we finished
all of this last week, the the vet
called and went,
I know you're scheduled to bring Lola in
for surgery tomorrow, but and then it got
confusing. So what they told me on the
phone
was that the surgeon who was scheduled to
do it was not gonna be able to
do any surgeries
for
an unknown amount of time.
But the newest vet
at
the the vet's office
could do the surgery, but he wanted to
see Lola first. Mhmm. He wanted to assess
her eyes for himself first.
I respect that.
Yeah. And they also said that if we
wanted to get the surgery done quicker, we
needed to go with this doctor
because he would have openings before
the mystery other surgeon. I don't even know
who it was.
The mystery traveling surgeon. Yeah.
So we had stuff going on that day
that we the the next day, Thursday, they're
like, can we get you in tomorrow, Thursday,
to have her checked out? And I was
like, yeah. Sure.
But
we knew we had stuff that we had
to do, but we hadn't written it down,
and we didn't know what the stuff was,
just the time. I was like, oh, we're
gonna need a late afternoon appointment because we
have an afternoon thing. But I don't know
what it is, but I'm
Yeah. Okay. Okay. It was it was a
drop the car off thing. We could have
been at the vet at 2:30, but we
made the appointment for 4:30, which meant we
were not out of the vet's office until
6:15.
Mhmm. The vet took her through the staining
of her eyes again to check for ulcers
in the eyeball. We went through the yeah.
Her eye turned the wrong way at one
point.
And he's looking at her eyes, and he
goes, oh, yeah. She has in or whatever
it's called, but it's not that bad. It's
like it does not rise to the level
of must have surgery now. And I was
like, oh. He was like, let me check
her eyes. And he was like, oh, this
is kind of a mystery though of what's
aggravating this eye. And he's explaining what he
would think would be surgery worthy for that
eye condition,
what the previous vet had said she needed
surgery for. And he was like, if you
want the surgery, I'll do it. But I'm
not recommending it as a thing that has
to be done.
So, very scared Lola Lainner. They literally put
us in an extra room that they don't
usually use for exam rooms because they were
so backed up. Apparently, the vet had a
pet emergency, and they they had to help
that animal. And we were like, it's fine.
Please help the animal.
But this way, exam room had a couch
in it. So Lola was kind of in
heaven Mhmm. Except she literally had to be
dragged down the hallway.
She hunched down on all 4.
It was I looked at the other people
in the waiting room as we were dragging
her down the hallway. I'm like, no. No.
She's loved. I promise.
We're not trying to be mean to her.
She actually spent the whole appointment hiding
behind me with me
giving JB side eye. I think she blames
him for all any and all vet stuff.
Mhmm. Because I took her to the car.
I took her out of the car. I
brought her in to the car. Had to
drag her down the hallway. I yeah. I'm
I'm the one that did all the mean
things. Oh my Oh my god. So we
left that appointment with a, here's a new
eye drop you've never used on your dog
before. Yeah. Use it for a week.
See if it actually
clears up the hazing in her eye that
we have been told would be there forever.
They're like, no. Maybe not. And I'm like,
oh, oh, okay. And the number of a
veterinary
ophthalmologist.
I have no idea. Who would have thought?
And they are in town. Like, we're not
traveling. Yeah. We could just make the appointment.
So we're waiting to see what happens with
her eye.
And whether if it especially if it doesn't
improve at all, because it's a mystery. What
is happening to her eye Right. If it's
not the eyelash thing that the Mhmm. First
vet told us about?
So we're in a holding pattern. Mhmm. Yep.
Okay. So that's one thing.
The other bigger thing, there's been a lot
of, like, small chaotic things. Like, I have
had to make way too many phone calls
in the past, like, 3 or 4 days
and set way too many appointments
that I well, her unplanned, and I'm having
to, like
like, configure them into our life.
The big one. So that afternoon appointment that
we could not remember on that Thursday
was to drop
JB's vehicle, our Toyota RAV 2009,
off at the,
repair shop that we trust because it's been
making a funky noise and it wasn't shifting
properly. And we're like, uh-oh, transmission problem.
Do you wanna do you wanna tell them
how that ended up? Yeah. Oh, god.
So, yeah, dropped the car off and, you
know, let them do their thing.
And, they did not get to it that
day we dropped it off. Right.
It wasn't until the next day.
And we're out working in the garage, Templin
and Wood, and and my phone starts going
off.
And,
they had sent me a text message.
Check your email. No. Or here's a link.
Here here's a link. Here's a link. Yeah.
Yeah. And and, you know, it'll show you
what what what's what. The estimates for what
they think you should be there. For what's
going on with the car, what they found.
So I clicked the link and I looked,
the first one is like,
oh my gosh. It was like $1100
Yeah. Fair.
Salt estimates. Right? Yeah. And I was like,
well, okay.
But then I realized.
Keep scrolling. Keep scrolling
and keep scrolling
and scrolling a little more.
And none of what they were showing us
as here's estimates for what needs to probably
be done had anything to do with our
transmission. They actually said, you'll probably need to
go to a transmission place and have them
look at that. We don't do transmissions
here. Yeah. Not with what we needed, potentially.
So what it came what it ended up
coming down to, and and I knew this
day was coming.
The repairs for the rev are way more
than it is worth. Right. I mean, even
if we put that money in,
we would
maybe be able to sell it for that
much, like, on the private,
like, market or whatever. And we were like,
I don't I don't wanna put that much
money in. No.
No.
Rather put that money somewhere else. Right. Which,
looks like we need to because Yeah. We
have another car saga. So
currently, the RAV is a giant paperweight in
our driveway. It's we could turn it on
and drive it if we had to in
an apocalyptic,
you know,
emergency,
but
nobody's go putting that on the highway. No.
Not with what now not with all that
we know that's wrong with it, not including
the transmission. Right. So, like, how did the
wheels not just fall off
when we were doing 70 down the highway?
Yeah. So glad it didn't. Mhmm. So, weirdly,
this is how I know, like, something something
is different in our life and in our
relationship and in our vibe because we got
that. And I've got my
phone calculator up. I'm like, throw the numbers
at me. Let me do the math. Right?
And we just look at one another and
went,
well, I guess that vehicle's done. How how
do we wanna get rid of it? Scrap
yard? But, like, I don't wanna sell it
privately because I we would be honest to
go, you need to get a lot of
work done on this.
But I wouldn't sell it any other way
if I did. Right. Right. I couldn't. You
know, in your conscience.
But so now we haven't figured out what
we're doing about that. But we just we
just rolled with it. Yeah. We did. That
was the strangest part quite frankly. Nobody freaked
out. Nobody paid checks. And and we we
came up with several options.
Mhmm.
And
we have to hold on those options for
the moment because we have had to request
some paperwork from the state.
Yeah. Your his title's electronic, and we just
paid 4 and a half dollars to Florida
to get the paper. Yeah. Gotta love it.
Convenience fees. Mhmm. Mhmm. So that's on hold.
It's giant paperweight. Yeah. So we're like, okay.
My Corolla 2012. Y'all, our cars are fucking
paid for, and we're gonna go as long
as we can without a car note.
So we have old cars. So
I got a 2012 Corolla brand new the
last year that the, like, touchscreen, blah de
blah stuff was not
automatically standard. Standard option. Yeah. So I got
the bare metal one. Look. I got power
windows and locks. I don't have to do
the roll thing. So Yeah.
Anyway, so I'm like, okay. The Corolla has
been in better shape.
It's not our ideal vehicle. It's gonna be
real hard to haul wood from the sawmill
in the Corolla.
If you don't know what a Corolla looks
like, Google it. It's a little car.
We now have small car privilege at the
parking lot, and we're zippy. I can get
in and out of traffic. We're not all
gonna wait. We're driving around.
However, not great for hauling wood. 8
foot planks of wood. 10 foot planks of
wood. Anyway, we'll figure it out.
So I'm like, okay.
We really need to get my car in
to see what's going on with it because
if this is our main car Yeah. Because
one of them has to get fixed because
this is now the car we have to
use for everything until we do something fabulous.
So I get my car in,
and it's nowhere near as bad as the
RAV. It does need work. Some of it
is more do it now before it gets
back. It becomes a bigger problem now. Is
more expensive. Yep.
That is
a much more manageable
dollar amount.
And had the RAF needed that kind of
work, it It would it would have been
it'd be in shop now. It would be
done. It would it would be done back
home.
Yeah. But yeah. You know? So it you
know, we're we're yeah. We're
we're just doing it. Yep. And,
you know? Yeah. We're just
So, yeah, that's the car saga. Yeah.
And then, again, like I said, it's been
small things that just make things feel chaotic.
Like, we had,
the appliance repair company out today
to look at our stovetop.
Way too long ago, at a time we
could not have afforded to call anybody,
the front burner of our electric stove stopped
working.
One of the big burners. Like your like,
one of like my personal favorite fucking burner.
This is the burner I liked to use,
and I've had to adjust and adapt how
I cook on the stovetop.
Also,
you don't think
that you really need 4 burners until you
got a lot of pots on the fucking
stove. We now cook things in stages
to, like Yeah.
Because the way our stove is up. Anyway,
so we knew it was gonna be a
few $100. We we were prepared for that.
So we called them in this time, and
he's like, oh, yeah. It's the quote is
3.99. He was like, but if you wanted
to buy a new stove, it's like 6
or $700. I'm like, yeah. Yeah. We're gonna
pay to fucking fix it.
That's cheaper.
That's cheaper. Please just fix my stove.
But I was like, there's a stranger in
my house at 9 o'clock in the morning.
I don't think I can handle this. My
whole day has been upended. This is not
the routine. I was I'm the one that
made the fucking appointment. You wanna know why
we use this company? 1, they fixed our
dish washer,
and they did a good job. And 2,
they do part of the process of scheduling
you by text. Like, I fucking love you
people.
And now we're, like, a customer in their
system, so our card's on file. They're they
just call to confirm shit now. They're like,
oh, can we use the card on file?
Oh, we'll email it to the the email
yes. To all of that. Don't even talk
to me. Just do the thing
all electronically.
We're good. We're good.
Oh, no. The new chaotic thing is we're
finally dealing with the well, we're going to
be dealing with the floors,
and we think we have it figured out
from our mortgage company who oh, after I
was bitching about that last week because it
was all complicated,
plot twist.
They called or yeah. They called you, didn't
they? Or did you call you called them?
I don't know. Somebody called. Yeah. He was
on the phone. It wasn't me. Thank God.
But they're like, oh, no. We have been
talking to the insurance company in between us.
They sent this and we saw that and
here's what you do now.
Yeah. So this afternoon, after we finish the
stream, we have an appointment at the bank
to get this important form notarized.
We then have to also
send that with the the one step from
last week, mail the check. The physical check.
Yeah. We have to do that. But I
was like, we're sending that priority,
because I need a tracking number on this
fucker, because that's a big ass check. Like,
it's more money than I usually have. Have.
So
it looks
like the bank is going to endorse the
not the bank. Morris County is gonna endorse
the check
on their part, and then they're just gonna
send us the money back. None of this
20 5% and that, and inspector in the
middle of the job. They just we have
to agree to let somebody come inspect the
work after
Yeah. It's done. I don't give a fuck.
Give me the cash. Let me get a
floor that is not
rotting away Yeah. Under our feet.
So now the next thing will be in
the next couple of weeks.
Sometime this will be JB. I did the
research part, and I sent him the info.
And I saw I haven't even looked at
the email yet. It's fine. Is, oh, let's
start getting estimates on the floors in the
kitchen.
Yeah. Yeah.
So So there's just a lot of noise.
That's that's coming up. That that's moving forward.
Yeah. That's moving forward. Just, you know, all
the usual fun. But it's it's all good.
We're we're we're
Yeah. That's, that has been the thing that
has been
so nice, but so weird to me. Mhmm.
We're
just taking it in stride. Like, we're not
at the end of the day going, what
the fuck is we're just like, okay. Yeah.
Okay. What do we need to do next?
Let me make a note of that. We
put it on the calendar. Mhmm.
I mean, we were at the bank yesterday
and I took the lead on that. Poor
JB was like, I know how this normally
works, but I don't see the person. I'm
like, you come back here. You stand with
me. We wait in line. We get up
to the counter. I recognize the check. So
I was like, oh, I can talk to
you. You're not a stranger.
And I'm like, here's what we need, and
here's what we got.
I don't know. I don't know. It feels
if it I don't want the chaos. I'm
ready for it to just be fucking calm
around here. But
it's like we got those 2 weeks off,
and it was restful
Yeah. And it was preparing us for January
apparently.
But it's yeah. It's just all kind of
rolling
off our back. Truly, the one that shocked
me was the Rav going, okay. Rav is
dead now. What do you mean it's not
the end of the year? It's still January?
What? I know.
I know. Yeah. The past 2 weeks have
been the longest year ever.
And look, I say all that without even
having looked at the news properly. Yeah.
Well, you know, it's funny when, you know,
talking about the Rav,
the, at at the end of the day
that day,
she Kayla looked at me and she's like,
you didn't lose your shit. I'm so impressed.
Because, look, he he tolerates the Corolla, but
he don't like the Corolla. Y'all, it's real
close to the ground. He's got back problems.
He actually lets me drive
the Corolla more than anything because it's so
uncomfortable for him to have to get in.
I'm like, I just don't know how long
this is gonna last. We're gonna have to
figure out a solution. But yeah. Then texting
the 19 year old to go, hey. Yeah.
You know how you've been begging for the
Corolla? And we have said, if we could
ever figure it out, we would Mhmm. Put
him on the title for the Corolla. That
I said, that's not happening. I said and
I don't call him JB to the boys.
But, basically, I was like, JB said, we're
not driving on the highway in the Kroll
until we get the stuff fixed. And there's
some stuff we gotta get fixed. We know
we do. And that's and that's fine. I'm
happy to get it fixed. I want I
want us to maintain a
car and, you know, whatever.
But, yeah, it was just it's just
is Lola getting eye surgery? We don't know.
Mhmm. No. We don't.
Will we get anything of value
monetarily out of the RAF? We don't know.
Yeah. I mean, as far as Lola goes,
been you've been doing the drops twice a
day.
She she has gotten to the point she
has had eye drops now so much she
tolerates it. She still don't like it. She
doesn't like it, but she tolerates it at
this point. Still don't like it. Yeah. To
me, it does not look like the hazing
is is It cleared up just this teensy
tinesy and that's been And that and that's
been it and and it stopped clearing.
But what I have noticed, for a while
there, she was consistently, like, rubbing
her eye, and she's not been doing that
anymore. Hopefully, it's more comfortable than it was.
Yeah. But, you know yeah. We're we're gonna
have to see about the ophthalmologist,
I think, for her to see what's going
on. Yeah. But you did find something that
that,
pity breeds are
They're more susceptible to ulcers and a core
corneal something something, and it's ulcers that get
in there. Yeah. They're kind of unexpected found
it on the I went to the found
the website for this,
ophthalmologist,
that we'll probably be taking her to, and
they had a whole section on their site
about, you know, common eye problems like 4
dogs. And Mhmm. I went down to the
one that sounded the most like what she's
going through, and then there it says, very
common among pit bull types. I'm like, oh,
okay. Yeah. Okay. She's normal then. It's fine.
Oh, fine. It's right up there with her
allergies. But, you know, and, you know, let
let's let's get beyond all this fun news.
You know, on the other side of things,
you know, one of one of the things
that we we are doing and and it's
been, you know, kinda like, you know, talked
about that we we cut back an hour,
you know, on the on the hangout.
But,
we have been going out. You know, we've
started we've we've been thrifting. Mhmm. You know,
antiquing, going to some, you know, thrift stores
and antique shops
around here.
Last weekend,
we went
they have a a monthly market or weekly
Weekly market. And it's grown since we've moved
to town through the past weekend. Considerably.
Yeah. They have a a weekly market. We
we went to the market. Mhmm. I only
kind of panicked in the spot where the
most people congregate. And, basically, JB took my
hand, tucked it into his arm, pulled me
close. I'm like, come on. And I was
like, okay.
I can shut my brain on.
He won't make me talk to anybody. And
then you know what happened when he got
me out to the side where it's that's
the expansion of this market and there's fewer
people out there, I held conversations with strangers
and gave them my money. So
That's fine.
And, there was there was one
place there. They had, like, 2 they had
2 spots, and they had all kinds of
wood stuff in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. And, And you made a friend. Mhmm.
And, I I poked my head in there
and started talking.
And, last night, I end found out that
there is a, woodworking club
here in town
and, attended a meeting last night. And I'll
probably become a member. Yeah. So, yay. Mhmm.
Mhmm. And here was the cool thing because
both on the the munch side, we've you've
experienced this. We've experienced it. And then I
think even on your woodworking side,
there you know, sometimes you'll go into a
group and it's like nobody cares that you're
brand new and they just kinda look at
you like, who are you? He comes home
and he tells me. He's like, yeah. I
walk in. It's a very small crowd. Well,
he goes, remember the dude we saw at
the market? I'm like, yeah. Frank, I think,
is famous. He's like, he came up and
talked to me immediately. Saw me walk in.
Come straight over to me. And I'm like,
that's how it's supposed to fucking be.
I actually was feeling bad because we go
up to his JB is like, before we
go, I wanna at the market. I wanna
go look at the stall. That's all this
wood stuff. And I'm like, okay. Cool. And
he's looking. He's keeping it close to the
vest of what he first of all, we
don't tell him kink shit. Okay?
He makes pins, and somehow we have this
house. Okay.
The neighbors have got to wonder what kind
of fucking pins you make. Right? Anyway
anyway
so so
he goes in quietly, like, under the radar,
just wants to look. I'm on the outside.
I don't wanna be here. There's too many
people. Yep. So he's walking around looking and
gets into a conversation, and then
you were ready for the dude to be
like, I'm not telling you trade secrets.
You asked a question about supplier or whatever.
And I expected the guy to be kind
of offended because, yeah, we were, like, staking
out his stuff. You know? Mhmm. It was
beautiful. I mean, it was good amazing work.
Offered the information freely and invited him to
the damn meeting. Yep. I was like, that
that's how community should be, man. That's like
that's it.
Yeah. And I and he had these beautiful
glass blown pin stands.
He buys them from a maker out of
some mother state, not Florida. Mhmm. And the
ones that were on, they're beautiful, but I'm
like, none of these are purple. So I'm
like, do you have purple? What? Because it
was $20. I'd have bought it right then.
Like, do I need a pen stand? No.
But it was fucking gorgeous. I don't like
It was it was beautiful. We put my,
like, g 2 pile in it.
Hey, now. Come on. I do have a
beautiful pen. I have made you several pens
Yeah. And pencils.
Yeah. And I appreciate it. I appreciate it.
So
I was like, I'm willing to spend money
with you and not just because you were
nice to my
makes air quote makes pens and bowls husband.
He does. He does. I do. But that
don't pay the mortgage.
I don't pay the mortgage.
Well, so
Yeah. We've been
adventuring.
Mhmm. Yeah. It's been kinda cool. It's been
fun. Mhmm. It's been fun. I think we've
needed that. We made some changes to our
Patreon. To go back to the commercial from
the beginning. We made some changes to our
Patreon this year that had me feeling, like,
kinda guilty because I was like, we we
were doing stuff on, like, all these weekends.
And JB's like, we have got to have
time for ourselves. How can we do that?
I'm like, here's how we can do that.
Now look, I did use data from survey
and just my own eyeballs on analytics
of what not to do in Patreon anymore
because what nobody fucking watching anyway or listening
or doing or whatever.
So, I mean, it wasn't just but I
did. I was like, but we used to
do so much more. And now we've got
weekends to ourselves. I'm like, oh, this is
probably what we should have been doing.
We might have been more relaxed and more
present
if we had taken more time for ourselves.
Funny how that works. It is funny how
that works. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. But anywho Anyway.
I think it's,
Past time. Yeah. Yum time. Yep. Let these
good folks go. We have things to yeah.
We're just gonna A little over an hour.
Getting close to our appointment that we have
to go to.
So,
yeah, I think we're we're good, and we'll
be back Friday night. That's true. This Friday,
9:30 PM EST. Yep. Yep. Yep. We will.
And,
hopefully, we have some updates on our chaos.
You never know. Hopefully, we just don't have
new chaos because I just I am still
that person who would like sure to calm
down. That's what I'm saying. Right? Right. There
you go. So I guess we need to
go. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Bye. Bye, everybody.