You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lords here with the one, the only, the
you're super cute when you're not super grumpy.
John Brownstone.
Thank you. You're mildly cute when you're grumpy
as long as you're not pointing the grump
at me. Right. Right.
When it's pointed at me, you're less cute.
You're always cute, but it's degrees. It varies.
Gotcha. Just saying. Anyway,
this week, we're answering a question from a
kinkster who wants to know what happens if
you can't agree with your partner of if
or when a sub has broken a rule.
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Okay. Straight into the question. Alright. My boyfriend,
50 3 male, and I, 38, transmasc, non
binary, are both on the sassy, bratty switch
spectrum. We're both very new to power exchange.
We're in the beginning of negotiating our dynamic,
and I'm stuck on my
DS rule definitions.
For instance, he enjoys argumentative debate more than
I do.
I want to use funishments to navigate our
differences in this area, but he can get
extra bratty with malicious compliance sometimes.
Should I try to define, quote, disrespect in
detail, or should I wait until things come
up and build the definition through lived experience?
Both? Something else? And when we disagree about
whether he's broken the, quote, be respectful rule,
do you have any tips for navigating discussion?
Wow.
There there's there's a lot going on there.
I know. And I think it is a
more common
question
than
more people might realize. Mhmm. Because when you're
talking about sassy, bratty, push the envelope
Mhmm. You know, push back against the authority
Yeah. Malicious compliance, maybe because it's funny, maybe,
you know, whatever.
Those are thorny things to navigate if you're
also trying to have,
you know, rules as part of your power
exchange.
So
okay. Okay. Okay.
Are you okay over there? No. I'm not.
I'm not. I'm not. Are you just a
moment? You're like, wow. I'm glad I've I've
got a respectful good girl who just wants
to follow the rules.
You didn't know you were fortunate, did you?
No. You know, I I mean,
I I've this make me think of something
in regards to you. Not that you do
you don't do this all that often anymore.
Mhmm. You used to look for loopholes.
Because I think they're funny. Yeah. Because I'm
like, you didn't think of something and I
thought of it. Look at me, I'm super
smart. Yeah.
So, you know,
we're we're talking about brats here so there's
a good possibility.
Right. See, the thing is when,
and I say this as somebody who does
not consider herself a brat, but who is
quite sassy and Mhmm. Certainly toes the line
of brat from time to time. In that
spectrum.
Right.
The thing that the dominant in that situation
has to be is on their fucking toes.
Yep.
Because brats are very intelligent. They are looking
for the loopholes. They are looking for ways
to push. Yep. And the reason for the
push is gonna be different from person to
person. Sometimes it's because they want to see
what you'll do.
Sometimes it's because they want the punishment slash
punishment.
Sometimes it's just because they don't maybe have
any other way to engage and they have
that Or they're bored. Or there there's so
many reasons. Right.
So part of navigating
how to handle a brat when they're bratting
and, you know, toeing the line of, you
know, disrespect and broken rules is to try
to maybe understand
what they're seeking. Hopefully,
your partner understands what why he brats or
has a a few thoughts about it.
So I would say that's that's one thing.
Kind of if you can, to the best
of your ability, try to talk about the
motivation behind it.
And, you know, not everybody is aware that
they have a motivation. For some people, it's
like, this is just who I am, and
that that might be the answer.
But if they can tell you
what's going on in their mind when these
moments happen Mhmm. That might give you some
understanding of how to navigate it. The other
thing specific to your questions is, do you,
you know, define disrespect in detail now or
or define it over time through lived experience?
I think it is both.
If you can think about the different behaviors
that you have already
experienced with your brat and
how
you see them and what strikes you as
disrespectful or a when a rule has been
broken,
go ahead and talk about that and negotiate
that in detail now. Set the expectations
of what you can already foresee in the
future because you've experienced it now. Right. That's
where you start the line. Yeah. Don't, you
know,
do it in as much detail as you
can
because what you're gonna find
is
if if your brat is half intelligent, they're
gonna find a way to to to pick
it apart or or find that loophole. And
and that is not
anything
that reflects on you.
It's just the way it is. So, you
know, you gotta kind you you have to
be as much detailed as you can,
but realize that you're still probably gonna have
to close some doors.
Right. And they're gonna happen after the fact.
Right. They're gonna do the malicious compliance because
you didn't
realize that this could be a loophole that
they would find or this is a way
that they would handle it. Mhmm.
The other thing I would say is make
sure you're both in agreement
that
here's the rule, here's what it means when
it's broken, here's what whatever the consequence is
gonna be, punishment or actual punishment, like, however
y'all wanna handle it. But, you know, they're
going to have to agree to,
not to not be a brat, but to
put their serious hat on
and take the negotiation
part of this very seriously,
and then
be willing to stick to it and be
willing to come talk to you if the
they don't wanna stick to it anymore. If
it's if it's, you know, making it harder
for them to be their authentic self, then
you go back and you renegotiate it. But
if you know that there's
the be respectful rule and you know how
they're going to find ways to break it,
you try to preempt that in the discussion.
Here's how I define
be respectful. And then you add the clause
every good contract has of, and anything else
that I might figure out later. Right? Because
your brat is going to go, oh, well,
you gave me this list of 10 things,
but here's an 11th thing you didn't think
of. And then you'll go back after the
fact and
deal with it in whatever way you're planning
on dealing. Update. Right. Update the, yeah. But
that's the thing I would tell anybody, top,
dom, whatever, who's dealing with the brat is,
I hope you have a good sense of
humor. Mhmm.
And you've to me, you're gonna have to
be flexible because
depending on your brat, they're gonna follow the
letter of the law and not one inch
more than that.
Or they're going to see the rules and
knock them over like a cat on a
counter.
Do what they want anyway. But if you
This doesn't belong here. Right.
If you can get into a serious enough
discussion with one another about what it is
your brat wants, do they want
you to take them in hand and be
like, hey. You fucked up and broke a
rule. Here's the outcome of that. Or do
they wanna see what they can get away
with? You know, my experience tends to be,
I think I'm funny and smart,
and I don't actually want a consequence.
You know? I just I want
to show how smart and funny I am.
I stay on the inside of the rules
though because I don't I don't wanna break
a rule.
You know, beyond that, it's really about
getting creative
within
the known limits and boundaries that each of
you have. And that is a thing regardless
of your dynamic and your relationship style and
whether we're talking brats or not.
That's a thing that evolves over time, the
more experience you get with each other. Because
there will be things that you can imagine
happening or you've gotten glimpses of it already,
and then there will be things that come
up that you could never have imagined and
never planned for, and you have to react
in the moment. And reacting in the moment
needs to be based on whatever you negotiated,
but also,
you know,
making sure that you do not unintentionally
abuse your power when you are in that
dom role. So that means
if they
are maliciously
compliant
and in a way that you've never discussed
before and, you know, there's you can always
set the okay. There's the spirit of the
rule. You've broken that. Here's the consequence for
that. But if they do a thing that
you didn't foresee and what it does is
it pisses you off, there should not be
consequences in anger. You have to make sure
you're calm so that you are being fair
and you're making sure that you are paying
attention to boundaries and all that good stuff.
And sometimes it means you let a thing
slide because
they got you good that time.
Maybe it's a funishment.
Maybe it's when y'all do play and and
in whatever
style you have, you know, sadist
or,
you know, just kind of devious or whatever
that you kinda, you know There's been a
few times this one over here had been
like, okay. You got me. You you deserve
that one. Right. You deserve that one. But
that doesn't mean he
ways
of reminding me who's in charge.
I might
technically
have gotten away with a thing because
I found the loophole and it was a
legit loophole. That doesn't mean that for us,
because impacts are a thing, the next spanking
isn't gonna hurt like a bitch. Okay?
He's gonna go, oh, you thought you were
so smart? I'm a play a little hard,
again, within my limits and boundaries. And I'm
gonna know
that I'm having this experience
because I acted that way. So it's not
like the definition of a consequence or punishment
in the way we have negotiated in our
power exchange.
But
I might have a little bit of regret
because,
you know, he he pushed up against my
own limits in a way that he knows
he can. And you're gonna find what that
looks like for y'all based on how you
play,
based on what you consider a funishment or
an actual consequence,
and based on what y'all will accept from
one another. And that will
vary
over time as you get closer and do
more and learn more, but also it can
vary from moment to moment based on mood.
You know, there are times when I I
will never say I brat.
I do not feel like I am a
brat,
but he will take
my behavior as I am behaving like a
brat, and he will respond
in a way. Right? Be kind. Right.
And if, you know, as you're saying your
question, y'all are both on the sassy, bratty
switch spectrum.
Sometimes your brat might be riding your dom
side there, and you can be kind of
bratty in your funishment and consequences. Again, as
long as you both consent to that. Right.
But there are times when I come across
as a brat, not because I'm being playful
and silly and can I get one over
on him, which I'm not ever actively thinking?
Sometimes I'm doing it because I'm pissed, I'm
angry, or I haven't been getting attention in
the way I want, and my brain went,
well, here's a way. My brain's not always
very intelligent by wrinkling.
So there's also need it goes back to
what I said at the beginning, needing to
understand the motivations,
especially
if there's different sides to their brat self
where there's the fun side where they're having
a good time, and they're tweaking your nose
a little bit, and they're keeping you on
your toes. And then there's a side where
they had a bad day, and what they
are probably seeking is for you to, like,
go hard on them for something. You know?
That's all personality and Yeah. Based, and everybody's
gonna be different. Not everybody will will be
that way, but that's part of what
you learn over time. And if you can
have the conversation ahead of time and ask
those questions or, you know, see how much
they can decipher of their own brattiness and
and help you understand why and how they
brat,
then you can kind of make those decisions
ahead of time.
But, yeah, the whole thing with having a
brat is they're keeping your you on your
toes. I mean, if you yourself are a
brat, what are your motivations and how how
do you approach it? You know, they might
be completely opposite from you. They might be
right on the same page as you, and
and you can then tap into what you
know about yourself as a brat to help
you. And and right. And and, you know,
I I have been called this
several times,
numerous times,
that I am
a bratty daddy. You are? God, you're such
a brat. And,
you know, you
embrace it. Yeah. It it it it takes
one to know one, so to speak. Right.
Because there are times where I come across
as sassy,
not trying to brat. He's like, there you
go bratting. And his response
is to do exactly what a brat does
of
find the loophole, malicious compliance, but from the
top side. Mhmm. In his case, often from
the sadist
side.
Like, you didn't say I couldn't hit you
with that particular thing that hurts that certain
way or Mhmm. You know? So yes.
If if it feels
right and it works within
your mutual limits and boundaries and hard limits
especially,
tap into your albighty side. Yeah. I mean,
you know, we
been doing that. I have fun with it.
Mhmm. You know? And and that's yeah. I'm
I yeah. I embrace it and have fun
with it. And I have found that the
more fun he's having in his brat mode,
the more I'm regretting
any choices I made previously.
Funny how that works. So he wins either
way. And you know what? I win too
because he's paying attention to me.
So, yeah, to the
to the stuff that you know is gonna
happen because you've seen it happen, try to
talk about that in detail of this is
what I consider a rule. Right? That when
this is what it looks like to me
when you have broken it, and this is
what I would like the consequence to be.
Now they obviously have to consent to whatever
you're saying and have their own consequence
to be. Now they obviously have to consent
to whatever you're saying and have their own
ideas, and you do the back and forth.
But just know you cannot predict everything, and
you'll have to
figure it out in real time. Sometimes in
real time means you don't actually address it
in the moment. You have to address it
later. We renegotiate and go, hey. Hey. We
got a new definition to add to our
list. Mhmm. And sometimes depending on the mood
and the vibe, you can address it in
the moment in a playful
way yourself so that you get your point
across,
and they get whatever it was they were
seeking
while bratting that way. Mhmm. And that truly
is the thing I would start with. What
what are their motivations? What do they want
from you? And they're gonna have to be
willing,
if they're not already, to be introspective
and to be honest with you and honest
with themselves. You know? Mhmm. I don't ever
know until after I've done it that what
I wanted was his damn attention. Right? Like,
I feel like I haven't gotten his sadist
side. I feel like I haven't
gotten,
you know, manhandled a little bit. There's something
I feel like I'm not getting, and I'll
blurt out this thing that I I know
when I think about it. Oh, there's gonna
be a consequence.
And I might not know until after the
fact. So
this is just an ongoing
sort of conversation,
that you'll end up having, and you'll you'll
find your vibe between the 2 of you
based on moods, based on past experience,
based on what works and what doesn't work.
And sometimes it's not gonna work. And then
there'll be, like, some level of time out
or, hey. We gotta
talk about this again and and deal with
the fact that, oh, that didn't work the
way y'all thought it would. Mhmm. And that's
okay. That's a whole part of the process.
Yep.
So yeah.
We are I never feel comfortable
speaking on behalf of brats because I don't
consider myself 1, but I am a sassy
girl.
Yes. Indeed. So if you need, like, a
resource or a place, you know, person to
go listen to who's talking about bratting, who
has a brat side, all that,
the Pink King podcast is a great place.
Princess
Rara Yep. Also offers classes. I know she
has at least one, maybe more, on bratting.
Ethical brat ethical bratting, I believe. Yeah. So,
pinkkinkpodcast.com
is the website. Like, check her out if
you, you know, are like, oh, I'll take
a class. Maybe we can do this together,
whatever.
Because I think you might get more on
the, okay, how do we actively
actually
walk this line of
bratting and dealing with the brat in a
way that everybody gets what they need from
it. Yeah. So that would be my recommendation
also. Mhmm.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
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notes.