1 00:00:10,559 --> 00:00:12,960 You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla 2 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:14,960 Lords here with the one, the only, the 3 00:00:15,455 --> 00:00:17,714 you're super cute when you're not super grumpy. 4 00:00:17,934 --> 00:00:18,594 John Brownstone. 5 00:00:20,015 --> 00:00:22,175 Thank you. You're mildly cute when you're grumpy 6 00:00:22,175 --> 00:00:23,454 as long as you're not pointing the grump 7 00:00:23,454 --> 00:00:25,234 at me. Right. Right. 8 00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:28,109 When it's pointed at me, you're less cute. 9 00:00:28,269 --> 00:00:31,089 You're always cute, but it's degrees. It varies. 10 00:00:31,710 --> 00:00:33,969 Gotcha. Just saying. Anyway, 11 00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:37,390 this week, we're answering a question from a 12 00:00:37,390 --> 00:00:39,229 kinkster who wants to know what happens if 13 00:00:39,229 --> 00:00:41,310 you can't agree with your partner of if 14 00:00:41,310 --> 00:00:43,274 or when a sub has broken a rule. 15 00:00:43,594 --> 00:00:45,594 Welcome to Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new 16 00:00:45,594 --> 00:00:47,115 here, we help kinksters like you have happy, 17 00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:49,355 healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to 18 00:00:49,355 --> 00:00:51,034 your favorite podcast app so you never miss 19 00:00:51,034 --> 00:00:52,715 an episode. And if you'd like us to 20 00:00:52,715 --> 00:00:54,234 answer a question that you have in a 21 00:00:54,234 --> 00:00:56,475 future one of these, you can contact us 22 00:00:56,475 --> 00:00:57,774 through our contact page, 23 00:00:58,420 --> 00:01:00,739 literally labeled ask your questions on our website 24 00:01:00,739 --> 00:01:01,320 at lovingbdsm.net. 25 00:01:02,579 --> 00:01:03,399 That's lovingbdsm.net 26 00:01:04,900 --> 00:01:06,680 or use the link in the show notes. 27 00:01:07,140 --> 00:01:10,119 Okay. Straight into the question. Alright. My boyfriend, 28 00:01:10,180 --> 00:01:13,364 50 3 male, and I, 38, transmasc, non 29 00:01:13,364 --> 00:01:16,004 binary, are both on the sassy, bratty switch 30 00:01:16,004 --> 00:01:18,245 spectrum. We're both very new to power exchange. 31 00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,344 We're in the beginning of negotiating our dynamic, 32 00:01:20,484 --> 00:01:22,265 and I'm stuck on my 33 00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:24,504 DS rule definitions. 34 00:01:25,060 --> 00:01:27,939 For instance, he enjoys argumentative debate more than 35 00:01:27,939 --> 00:01:28,520 I do. 36 00:01:28,820 --> 00:01:30,579 I want to use funishments to navigate our 37 00:01:30,579 --> 00:01:32,500 differences in this area, but he can get 38 00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:35,159 extra bratty with malicious compliance sometimes. 39 00:01:35,620 --> 00:01:38,100 Should I try to define, quote, disrespect in 40 00:01:38,100 --> 00:01:39,939 detail, or should I wait until things come 41 00:01:39,939 --> 00:01:42,075 up and build the definition through lived experience? 42 00:01:42,375 --> 00:01:45,254 Both? Something else? And when we disagree about 43 00:01:45,254 --> 00:01:47,494 whether he's broken the, quote, be respectful rule, 44 00:01:47,494 --> 00:01:49,834 do you have any tips for navigating discussion? 45 00:01:50,935 --> 00:01:51,435 Wow. 46 00:01:52,134 --> 00:01:54,134 There there's there's a lot going on there. 47 00:01:54,134 --> 00:01:55,894 I know. And I think it is a 48 00:01:55,894 --> 00:01:57,099 more common 49 00:01:57,640 --> 00:01:58,140 question 50 00:01:59,000 --> 00:01:59,500 than 51 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,599 more people might realize. Mhmm. Because when you're 52 00:02:02,599 --> 00:02:05,719 talking about sassy, bratty, push the envelope 53 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,139 Mhmm. You know, push back against the authority 54 00:02:08,599 --> 00:02:11,634 Yeah. Malicious compliance, maybe because it's funny, maybe, 55 00:02:11,634 --> 00:02:12,455 you know, whatever. 56 00:02:12,914 --> 00:02:16,194 Those are thorny things to navigate if you're 57 00:02:16,194 --> 00:02:17,414 also trying to have, 58 00:02:17,875 --> 00:02:20,115 you know, rules as part of your power 59 00:02:20,115 --> 00:02:20,615 exchange. 60 00:02:21,555 --> 00:02:22,055 So 61 00:02:23,314 --> 00:02:24,935 okay. Okay. Okay. 62 00:02:30,169 --> 00:02:32,330 Are you okay over there? No. I'm not. 63 00:02:32,330 --> 00:02:33,689 I'm not. I'm not. Are you just a 64 00:02:33,689 --> 00:02:35,450 moment? You're like, wow. I'm glad I've I've 65 00:02:35,450 --> 00:02:38,010 got a respectful good girl who just wants 66 00:02:38,010 --> 00:02:39,069 to follow the rules. 67 00:02:40,925 --> 00:02:42,925 You didn't know you were fortunate, did you? 68 00:02:42,925 --> 00:02:44,625 No. You know, I I mean, 69 00:02:45,564 --> 00:02:48,044 I I've this make me think of something 70 00:02:48,044 --> 00:02:49,724 in regards to you. Not that you do 71 00:02:49,805 --> 00:02:52,465 you don't do this all that often anymore. 72 00:02:52,525 --> 00:02:54,305 Mhmm. You used to look for loopholes. 73 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:56,639 Because I think they're funny. Yeah. Because I'm 74 00:02:56,639 --> 00:02:58,319 like, you didn't think of something and I 75 00:02:58,319 --> 00:03:00,000 thought of it. Look at me, I'm super 76 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,139 smart. Yeah. 77 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:02,500 So, you know, 78 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:05,840 we're we're talking about brats here so there's 79 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:06,819 a good possibility. 80 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:10,064 Right. See, the thing is when, 81 00:03:10,544 --> 00:03:11,824 and I say this as somebody who does 82 00:03:11,824 --> 00:03:14,064 not consider herself a brat, but who is 83 00:03:14,064 --> 00:03:17,685 quite sassy and Mhmm. Certainly toes the line 84 00:03:18,145 --> 00:03:19,745 of brat from time to time. In that 85 00:03:19,745 --> 00:03:20,245 spectrum. 86 00:03:20,544 --> 00:03:21,044 Right. 87 00:03:21,504 --> 00:03:24,020 The thing that the dominant in that situation 88 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,400 has to be is on their fucking toes. 89 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:26,900 Yep. 90 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:31,439 Because brats are very intelligent. They are looking 91 00:03:31,439 --> 00:03:33,680 for the loopholes. They are looking for ways 92 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,044 to push. Yep. And the reason for the 93 00:03:36,044 --> 00:03:37,805 push is gonna be different from person to 94 00:03:37,805 --> 00:03:40,604 person. Sometimes it's because they want to see 95 00:03:40,604 --> 00:03:41,584 what you'll do. 96 00:03:42,044 --> 00:03:44,604 Sometimes it's because they want the punishment slash 97 00:03:44,604 --> 00:03:45,104 punishment. 98 00:03:45,485 --> 00:03:48,364 Sometimes it's just because they don't maybe have 99 00:03:48,364 --> 00:03:50,852 any other way to engage and they have 100 00:03:50,852 --> 00:03:53,219 that Or they're bored. Or there there's so 101 00:03:53,219 --> 00:03:54,360 many reasons. Right. 102 00:03:55,459 --> 00:03:57,400 So part of navigating 103 00:03:58,099 --> 00:04:00,599 how to handle a brat when they're bratting 104 00:04:01,060 --> 00:04:03,139 and, you know, toeing the line of, you 105 00:04:03,139 --> 00:04:06,564 know, disrespect and broken rules is to try 106 00:04:06,564 --> 00:04:07,705 to maybe understand 107 00:04:08,805 --> 00:04:10,425 what they're seeking. Hopefully, 108 00:04:11,205 --> 00:04:14,324 your partner understands what why he brats or 109 00:04:14,324 --> 00:04:16,584 has a a few thoughts about it. 110 00:04:17,045 --> 00:04:18,485 So I would say that's that's one thing. 111 00:04:18,485 --> 00:04:20,250 Kind of if you can, to the best 112 00:04:20,250 --> 00:04:22,729 of your ability, try to talk about the 113 00:04:22,729 --> 00:04:24,110 motivation behind it. 114 00:04:25,289 --> 00:04:27,849 And, you know, not everybody is aware that 115 00:04:27,849 --> 00:04:29,529 they have a motivation. For some people, it's 116 00:04:29,529 --> 00:04:30,970 like, this is just who I am, and 117 00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:33,104 that that might be the answer. 118 00:04:33,485 --> 00:04:35,264 But if they can tell you 119 00:04:35,884 --> 00:04:38,285 what's going on in their mind when these 120 00:04:38,285 --> 00:04:40,764 moments happen Mhmm. That might give you some 121 00:04:40,764 --> 00:04:42,925 understanding of how to navigate it. The other 122 00:04:42,925 --> 00:04:45,589 thing specific to your questions is, do you, 123 00:04:45,589 --> 00:04:48,610 you know, define disrespect in detail now or 124 00:04:48,670 --> 00:04:51,149 or define it over time through lived experience? 125 00:04:51,149 --> 00:04:52,370 I think it is both. 126 00:04:52,910 --> 00:04:55,790 If you can think about the different behaviors 127 00:04:55,790 --> 00:04:57,089 that you have already 128 00:04:57,584 --> 00:04:59,685 experienced with your brat and 129 00:05:01,105 --> 00:05:01,605 how 130 00:05:02,064 --> 00:05:04,644 you see them and what strikes you as 131 00:05:04,785 --> 00:05:07,904 disrespectful or a when a rule has been 132 00:05:07,904 --> 00:05:08,404 broken, 133 00:05:09,024 --> 00:05:11,399 go ahead and talk about that and negotiate 134 00:05:11,539 --> 00:05:14,519 that in detail now. Set the expectations 135 00:05:14,899 --> 00:05:16,979 of what you can already foresee in the 136 00:05:16,979 --> 00:05:19,539 future because you've experienced it now. Right. That's 137 00:05:19,539 --> 00:05:21,860 where you start the line. Yeah. Don't, you 138 00:05:21,860 --> 00:05:22,360 know, 139 00:05:22,819 --> 00:05:25,060 do it in as much detail as you 140 00:05:25,060 --> 00:05:25,560 can 141 00:05:26,254 --> 00:05:27,714 because what you're gonna find 142 00:05:28,254 --> 00:05:28,754 is 143 00:05:29,535 --> 00:05:32,014 if if your brat is half intelligent, they're 144 00:05:32,014 --> 00:05:34,014 gonna find a way to to to pick 145 00:05:34,014 --> 00:05:36,415 it apart or or find that loophole. And 146 00:05:36,415 --> 00:05:38,115 and that is not 147 00:05:38,894 --> 00:05:39,394 anything 148 00:05:39,930 --> 00:05:41,389 that reflects on you. 149 00:05:42,170 --> 00:05:44,410 It's just the way it is. So, you 150 00:05:44,410 --> 00:05:46,730 know, you gotta kind you you have to 151 00:05:46,730 --> 00:05:48,750 be as much detailed as you can, 152 00:05:49,209 --> 00:05:51,930 but realize that you're still probably gonna have 153 00:05:51,930 --> 00:05:53,069 to close some doors. 154 00:05:53,404 --> 00:05:55,085 Right. And they're gonna happen after the fact. 155 00:05:55,085 --> 00:05:57,504 Right. They're gonna do the malicious compliance because 156 00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:58,465 you didn't 157 00:05:58,845 --> 00:06:00,525 realize that this could be a loophole that 158 00:06:00,525 --> 00:06:01,965 they would find or this is a way 159 00:06:01,965 --> 00:06:03,585 that they would handle it. Mhmm. 160 00:06:04,444 --> 00:06:06,525 The other thing I would say is make 161 00:06:06,525 --> 00:06:08,625 sure you're both in agreement 162 00:06:09,779 --> 00:06:10,279 that 163 00:06:10,660 --> 00:06:12,660 here's the rule, here's what it means when 164 00:06:12,660 --> 00:06:15,300 it's broken, here's what whatever the consequence is 165 00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:18,180 gonna be, punishment or actual punishment, like, however 166 00:06:18,180 --> 00:06:21,060 y'all wanna handle it. But, you know, they're 167 00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:23,000 going to have to agree to, 168 00:06:23,379 --> 00:06:25,275 not to not be a brat, but to 169 00:06:25,275 --> 00:06:27,215 put their serious hat on 170 00:06:27,595 --> 00:06:28,975 and take the negotiation 171 00:06:29,355 --> 00:06:30,975 part of this very seriously, 172 00:06:31,595 --> 00:06:32,254 and then 173 00:06:32,555 --> 00:06:34,715 be willing to stick to it and be 174 00:06:34,715 --> 00:06:36,875 willing to come talk to you if the 175 00:06:37,035 --> 00:06:38,715 they don't wanna stick to it anymore. If 176 00:06:38,715 --> 00:06:41,330 it's if it's, you know, making it harder 177 00:06:41,330 --> 00:06:43,170 for them to be their authentic self, then 178 00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:45,889 you go back and you renegotiate it. But 179 00:06:45,889 --> 00:06:47,509 if you know that there's 180 00:06:48,129 --> 00:06:50,370 the be respectful rule and you know how 181 00:06:50,370 --> 00:06:52,274 they're going to find ways to break it, 182 00:06:52,754 --> 00:06:55,334 you try to preempt that in the discussion. 183 00:06:55,394 --> 00:06:57,014 Here's how I define 184 00:06:57,634 --> 00:06:59,634 be respectful. And then you add the clause 185 00:06:59,634 --> 00:07:02,754 every good contract has of, and anything else 186 00:07:02,754 --> 00:07:05,475 that I might figure out later. Right? Because 187 00:07:05,475 --> 00:07:06,834 your brat is going to go, oh, well, 188 00:07:06,834 --> 00:07:08,850 you gave me this list of 10 things, 189 00:07:08,910 --> 00:07:11,150 but here's an 11th thing you didn't think 190 00:07:11,150 --> 00:07:13,710 of. And then you'll go back after the 191 00:07:13,710 --> 00:07:14,770 fact and 192 00:07:15,550 --> 00:07:17,150 deal with it in whatever way you're planning 193 00:07:17,150 --> 00:07:20,029 on dealing. Update. Right. Update the, yeah. But 194 00:07:20,029 --> 00:07:21,949 that's the thing I would tell anybody, top, 195 00:07:21,949 --> 00:07:24,314 dom, whatever, who's dealing with the brat is, 196 00:07:24,555 --> 00:07:25,675 I hope you have a good sense of 197 00:07:25,675 --> 00:07:26,574 humor. Mhmm. 198 00:07:27,035 --> 00:07:29,035 And you've to me, you're gonna have to 199 00:07:29,035 --> 00:07:30,415 be flexible because 200 00:07:31,115 --> 00:07:33,035 depending on your brat, they're gonna follow the 201 00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:35,449 letter of the law and not one inch 202 00:07:35,449 --> 00:07:36,430 more than that. 203 00:07:38,650 --> 00:07:41,370 Or they're going to see the rules and 204 00:07:41,370 --> 00:07:43,370 knock them over like a cat on a 205 00:07:43,370 --> 00:07:43,870 counter. 206 00:07:44,569 --> 00:07:46,490 Do what they want anyway. But if you 207 00:07:46,569 --> 00:07:48,705 This doesn't belong here. Right. 208 00:07:49,245 --> 00:07:51,564 If you can get into a serious enough 209 00:07:51,564 --> 00:07:53,645 discussion with one another about what it is 210 00:07:53,645 --> 00:07:56,384 your brat wants, do they want 211 00:07:57,085 --> 00:07:59,085 you to take them in hand and be 212 00:07:59,085 --> 00:08:00,764 like, hey. You fucked up and broke a 213 00:08:00,764 --> 00:08:03,120 rule. Here's the outcome of that. Or do 214 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:04,639 they wanna see what they can get away 215 00:08:04,639 --> 00:08:06,639 with? You know, my experience tends to be, 216 00:08:06,639 --> 00:08:08,420 I think I'm funny and smart, 217 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,660 and I don't actually want a consequence. 218 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,060 You know? I just I want 219 00:08:13,439 --> 00:08:16,035 to show how smart and funny I am. 220 00:08:17,214 --> 00:08:18,735 I stay on the inside of the rules 221 00:08:18,735 --> 00:08:21,055 though because I don't I don't wanna break 222 00:08:21,055 --> 00:08:21,634 a rule. 223 00:08:23,055 --> 00:08:25,555 You know, beyond that, it's really about 224 00:08:26,495 --> 00:08:27,475 getting creative 225 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:28,860 within 226 00:08:29,399 --> 00:08:31,879 the known limits and boundaries that each of 227 00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:34,220 you have. And that is a thing regardless 228 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,679 of your dynamic and your relationship style and 229 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:38,460 whether we're talking brats or not. 230 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:41,320 That's a thing that evolves over time, the 231 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,904 more experience you get with each other. Because 232 00:08:43,904 --> 00:08:46,325 there will be things that you can imagine 233 00:08:46,384 --> 00:08:48,785 happening or you've gotten glimpses of it already, 234 00:08:48,785 --> 00:08:49,904 and then there will be things that come 235 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:52,625 up that you could never have imagined and 236 00:08:52,625 --> 00:08:54,785 never planned for, and you have to react 237 00:08:54,785 --> 00:08:57,445 in the moment. And reacting in the moment 238 00:08:58,100 --> 00:09:00,200 needs to be based on whatever you negotiated, 239 00:09:00,899 --> 00:09:01,720 but also, 240 00:09:02,340 --> 00:09:03,080 you know, 241 00:09:05,220 --> 00:09:08,040 making sure that you do not unintentionally 242 00:09:08,899 --> 00:09:10,740 abuse your power when you are in that 243 00:09:10,740 --> 00:09:12,200 dom role. So that means 244 00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:13,560 if they 245 00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:14,894 are maliciously 246 00:09:15,434 --> 00:09:15,934 compliant 247 00:09:17,035 --> 00:09:19,434 and in a way that you've never discussed 248 00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,754 before and, you know, there's you can always 249 00:09:21,754 --> 00:09:23,754 set the okay. There's the spirit of the 250 00:09:23,754 --> 00:09:26,075 rule. You've broken that. Here's the consequence for 251 00:09:26,075 --> 00:09:27,754 that. But if they do a thing that 252 00:09:27,754 --> 00:09:29,399 you didn't foresee and what it does is 253 00:09:29,399 --> 00:09:32,200 it pisses you off, there should not be 254 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,200 consequences in anger. You have to make sure 255 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,600 you're calm so that you are being fair 256 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,759 and you're making sure that you are paying 257 00:09:38,759 --> 00:09:40,700 attention to boundaries and all that good stuff. 258 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,480 And sometimes it means you let a thing 259 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:44,620 slide because 260 00:09:45,095 --> 00:09:46,875 they got you good that time. 261 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,554 Maybe it's a funishment. 262 00:09:49,174 --> 00:09:52,054 Maybe it's when y'all do play and and 263 00:09:52,054 --> 00:09:52,634 in whatever 264 00:09:53,495 --> 00:09:55,995 style you have, you know, sadist 265 00:09:56,375 --> 00:09:56,875 or, 266 00:09:57,309 --> 00:09:59,410 you know, just kind of devious or whatever 267 00:09:59,470 --> 00:10:01,470 that you kinda, you know There's been a 268 00:10:01,470 --> 00:10:03,230 few times this one over here had been 269 00:10:03,230 --> 00:10:05,149 like, okay. You got me. You you deserve 270 00:10:05,149 --> 00:10:08,110 that one. Right. You deserve that one. But 271 00:10:08,110 --> 00:10:09,164 that doesn't mean he 272 00:10:10,125 --> 00:10:10,625 ways 273 00:10:11,084 --> 00:10:13,264 of reminding me who's in charge. 274 00:10:13,964 --> 00:10:14,625 I might 275 00:10:15,245 --> 00:10:15,745 technically 276 00:10:16,284 --> 00:10:19,105 have gotten away with a thing because 277 00:10:19,804 --> 00:10:21,324 I found the loophole and it was a 278 00:10:21,324 --> 00:10:23,725 legit loophole. That doesn't mean that for us, 279 00:10:23,725 --> 00:10:25,460 because impacts are a thing, the next spanking 280 00:10:25,460 --> 00:10:27,799 isn't gonna hurt like a bitch. Okay? 281 00:10:28,340 --> 00:10:30,259 He's gonna go, oh, you thought you were 282 00:10:30,259 --> 00:10:32,580 so smart? I'm a play a little hard, 283 00:10:32,580 --> 00:10:34,820 again, within my limits and boundaries. And I'm 284 00:10:34,820 --> 00:10:35,720 gonna know 285 00:10:36,179 --> 00:10:37,879 that I'm having this experience 286 00:10:38,340 --> 00:10:41,274 because I acted that way. So it's not 287 00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:44,075 like the definition of a consequence or punishment 288 00:10:44,075 --> 00:10:46,154 in the way we have negotiated in our 289 00:10:46,154 --> 00:10:46,975 power exchange. 290 00:10:47,434 --> 00:10:47,934 But 291 00:10:48,394 --> 00:10:50,735 I might have a little bit of regret 292 00:10:51,115 --> 00:10:51,615 because, 293 00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:55,129 you know, he he pushed up against my 294 00:10:55,129 --> 00:10:56,490 own limits in a way that he knows 295 00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:58,649 he can. And you're gonna find what that 296 00:10:58,649 --> 00:11:00,730 looks like for y'all based on how you 297 00:11:00,730 --> 00:11:01,230 play, 298 00:11:01,690 --> 00:11:03,929 based on what you consider a funishment or 299 00:11:03,929 --> 00:11:05,149 an actual consequence, 300 00:11:05,529 --> 00:11:07,514 and based on what y'all will accept from 301 00:11:07,514 --> 00:11:09,215 one another. And that will 302 00:11:09,995 --> 00:11:10,495 vary 303 00:11:10,955 --> 00:11:12,795 over time as you get closer and do 304 00:11:12,795 --> 00:11:14,394 more and learn more, but also it can 305 00:11:14,394 --> 00:11:16,715 vary from moment to moment based on mood. 306 00:11:16,715 --> 00:11:19,115 You know, there are times when I I 307 00:11:19,115 --> 00:11:20,495 will never say I brat. 308 00:11:20,955 --> 00:11:22,409 I do not feel like I am a 309 00:11:22,409 --> 00:11:22,909 brat, 310 00:11:24,169 --> 00:11:25,870 but he will take 311 00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:29,370 my behavior as I am behaving like a 312 00:11:29,370 --> 00:11:31,149 brat, and he will respond 313 00:11:32,330 --> 00:11:34,509 in a way. Right? Be kind. Right. 314 00:11:36,184 --> 00:11:37,625 And if, you know, as you're saying your 315 00:11:37,625 --> 00:11:39,544 question, y'all are both on the sassy, bratty 316 00:11:39,544 --> 00:11:40,284 switch spectrum. 317 00:11:40,664 --> 00:11:43,225 Sometimes your brat might be riding your dom 318 00:11:43,225 --> 00:11:45,065 side there, and you can be kind of 319 00:11:45,065 --> 00:11:47,625 bratty in your funishment and consequences. Again, as 320 00:11:47,625 --> 00:11:50,149 long as you both consent to that. Right. 321 00:11:50,149 --> 00:11:52,070 But there are times when I come across 322 00:11:52,070 --> 00:11:53,910 as a brat, not because I'm being playful 323 00:11:53,910 --> 00:11:56,070 and silly and can I get one over 324 00:11:56,070 --> 00:11:59,129 on him, which I'm not ever actively thinking? 325 00:11:59,750 --> 00:12:02,225 Sometimes I'm doing it because I'm pissed, I'm 326 00:12:02,225 --> 00:12:04,625 angry, or I haven't been getting attention in 327 00:12:04,625 --> 00:12:06,384 the way I want, and my brain went, 328 00:12:06,384 --> 00:12:09,105 well, here's a way. My brain's not always 329 00:12:09,105 --> 00:12:11,205 very intelligent by wrinkling. 330 00:12:12,144 --> 00:12:14,225 So there's also need it goes back to 331 00:12:14,225 --> 00:12:15,345 what I said at the beginning, needing to 332 00:12:15,345 --> 00:12:16,404 understand the motivations, 333 00:12:16,785 --> 00:12:17,279 especially 334 00:12:18,399 --> 00:12:21,200 if there's different sides to their brat self 335 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,040 where there's the fun side where they're having 336 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,480 a good time, and they're tweaking your nose 337 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:25,519 a little bit, and they're keeping you on 338 00:12:25,519 --> 00:12:27,840 your toes. And then there's a side where 339 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,835 they had a bad day, and what they 340 00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:32,394 are probably seeking is for you to, like, 341 00:12:32,394 --> 00:12:34,815 go hard on them for something. You know? 342 00:12:35,115 --> 00:12:37,675 That's all personality and Yeah. Based, and everybody's 343 00:12:37,675 --> 00:12:39,835 gonna be different. Not everybody will will be 344 00:12:39,835 --> 00:12:42,095 that way, but that's part of what 345 00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:44,075 you learn over time. And if you can 346 00:12:44,075 --> 00:12:46,230 have the conversation ahead of time and ask 347 00:12:46,230 --> 00:12:48,549 those questions or, you know, see how much 348 00:12:48,549 --> 00:12:50,710 they can decipher of their own brattiness and 349 00:12:50,710 --> 00:12:53,350 and help you understand why and how they 350 00:12:53,350 --> 00:12:53,850 brat, 351 00:12:54,389 --> 00:12:56,889 then you can kind of make those decisions 352 00:12:56,950 --> 00:12:57,769 ahead of time. 353 00:12:58,735 --> 00:13:00,654 But, yeah, the whole thing with having a 354 00:13:00,654 --> 00:13:03,375 brat is they're keeping your you on your 355 00:13:03,375 --> 00:13:05,534 toes. I mean, if you yourself are a 356 00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:08,754 brat, what are your motivations and how how 357 00:13:08,815 --> 00:13:11,100 do you approach it? You know, they might 358 00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:12,620 be completely opposite from you. They might be 359 00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:14,300 right on the same page as you, and 360 00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:15,980 and you can then tap into what you 361 00:13:15,980 --> 00:13:17,820 know about yourself as a brat to help 362 00:13:17,820 --> 00:13:19,820 you. And and right. And and, you know, 363 00:13:19,820 --> 00:13:21,519 I I have been called this 364 00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:23,200 several times, 365 00:13:23,774 --> 00:13:24,754 numerous times, 366 00:13:26,254 --> 00:13:27,154 that I am 367 00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:30,174 a bratty daddy. You are? God, you're such 368 00:13:30,174 --> 00:13:31,214 a brat. And, 369 00:13:32,174 --> 00:13:33,075 you know, you 370 00:13:33,534 --> 00:13:36,669 embrace it. Yeah. It it it it takes 371 00:13:36,669 --> 00:13:38,769 one to know one, so to speak. Right. 372 00:13:38,829 --> 00:13:41,470 Because there are times where I come across 373 00:13:41,470 --> 00:13:42,209 as sassy, 374 00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:44,509 not trying to brat. He's like, there you 375 00:13:44,509 --> 00:13:46,449 go bratting. And his response 376 00:13:47,549 --> 00:13:49,949 is to do exactly what a brat does 377 00:13:49,949 --> 00:13:50,355 of 378 00:13:50,834 --> 00:13:53,634 find the loophole, malicious compliance, but from the 379 00:13:53,634 --> 00:13:56,595 top side. Mhmm. In his case, often from 380 00:13:56,595 --> 00:13:57,254 the sadist 381 00:13:57,714 --> 00:13:58,214 side. 382 00:13:58,914 --> 00:14:01,634 Like, you didn't say I couldn't hit you 383 00:14:01,634 --> 00:14:04,529 with that particular thing that hurts that certain 384 00:14:04,529 --> 00:14:07,029 way or Mhmm. You know? So yes. 385 00:14:07,330 --> 00:14:08,549 If if it feels 386 00:14:09,089 --> 00:14:10,549 right and it works within 387 00:14:10,929 --> 00:14:13,730 your mutual limits and boundaries and hard limits 388 00:14:13,730 --> 00:14:14,230 especially, 389 00:14:14,610 --> 00:14:16,850 tap into your albighty side. Yeah. I mean, 390 00:14:16,850 --> 00:14:17,669 you know, we 391 00:14:18,245 --> 00:14:20,424 been doing that. I have fun with it. 392 00:14:20,565 --> 00:14:23,044 Mhmm. You know? And and that's yeah. I'm 393 00:14:23,164 --> 00:14:24,884 I yeah. I embrace it and have fun 394 00:14:24,884 --> 00:14:26,404 with it. And I have found that the 395 00:14:26,404 --> 00:14:28,644 more fun he's having in his brat mode, 396 00:14:28,884 --> 00:14:30,024 the more I'm regretting 397 00:14:30,579 --> 00:14:32,279 any choices I made previously. 398 00:14:34,339 --> 00:14:36,980 Funny how that works. So he wins either 399 00:14:36,980 --> 00:14:39,220 way. And you know what? I win too 400 00:14:39,220 --> 00:14:41,320 because he's paying attention to me. 401 00:14:42,820 --> 00:14:44,200 So, yeah, to the 402 00:14:44,514 --> 00:14:46,195 to the stuff that you know is gonna 403 00:14:46,195 --> 00:14:47,954 happen because you've seen it happen, try to 404 00:14:47,954 --> 00:14:49,875 talk about that in detail of this is 405 00:14:49,875 --> 00:14:52,754 what I consider a rule. Right? That when 406 00:14:52,834 --> 00:14:54,514 this is what it looks like to me 407 00:14:54,514 --> 00:14:57,235 when you have broken it, and this is 408 00:14:57,235 --> 00:14:57,705 what I would like the consequence to be. 409 00:14:57,705 --> 00:14:57,818 Now they obviously have to consent to whatever 410 00:14:57,818 --> 00:14:58,970 you're saying and have their own consequence 411 00:14:59,669 --> 00:15:01,669 to be. Now they obviously have to consent 412 00:15:01,669 --> 00:15:02,549 to whatever you're saying and have their own 413 00:15:02,549 --> 00:15:04,169 ideas, and you do the back and forth. 414 00:15:04,230 --> 00:15:06,470 But just know you cannot predict everything, and 415 00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:07,610 you'll have to 416 00:15:08,629 --> 00:15:11,029 figure it out in real time. Sometimes in 417 00:15:11,029 --> 00:15:12,914 real time means you don't actually address it 418 00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:14,355 in the moment. You have to address it 419 00:15:14,355 --> 00:15:16,514 later. We renegotiate and go, hey. Hey. We 420 00:15:16,514 --> 00:15:18,195 got a new definition to add to our 421 00:15:18,195 --> 00:15:21,315 list. Mhmm. And sometimes depending on the mood 422 00:15:21,315 --> 00:15:24,434 and the vibe, you can address it in 423 00:15:24,434 --> 00:15:25,894 the moment in a playful 424 00:15:26,595 --> 00:15:28,514 way yourself so that you get your point 425 00:15:28,514 --> 00:15:28,889 across, 426 00:15:30,090 --> 00:15:32,009 and they get whatever it was they were 427 00:15:32,009 --> 00:15:32,509 seeking 428 00:15:33,450 --> 00:15:36,090 while bratting that way. Mhmm. And that truly 429 00:15:36,090 --> 00:15:37,529 is the thing I would start with. What 430 00:15:37,529 --> 00:15:39,129 what are their motivations? What do they want 431 00:15:39,129 --> 00:15:41,210 from you? And they're gonna have to be 432 00:15:41,210 --> 00:15:41,710 willing, 433 00:15:42,090 --> 00:15:43,870 if they're not already, to be introspective 434 00:15:44,225 --> 00:15:45,985 and to be honest with you and honest 435 00:15:45,985 --> 00:15:49,024 with themselves. You know? Mhmm. I don't ever 436 00:15:49,024 --> 00:15:50,625 know until after I've done it that what 437 00:15:50,625 --> 00:15:53,024 I wanted was his damn attention. Right? Like, 438 00:15:53,024 --> 00:15:55,184 I feel like I haven't gotten his sadist 439 00:15:55,184 --> 00:15:56,580 side. I feel like I haven't 440 00:15:57,059 --> 00:15:57,559 gotten, 441 00:15:58,019 --> 00:16:00,740 you know, manhandled a little bit. There's something 442 00:16:00,740 --> 00:16:03,240 I feel like I'm not getting, and I'll 443 00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:06,740 blurt out this thing that I I know 444 00:16:06,740 --> 00:16:08,179 when I think about it. Oh, there's gonna 445 00:16:08,179 --> 00:16:08,920 be a consequence. 446 00:16:10,085 --> 00:16:11,605 And I might not know until after the 447 00:16:11,605 --> 00:16:12,425 fact. So 448 00:16:13,045 --> 00:16:14,264 this is just an ongoing 449 00:16:14,965 --> 00:16:15,945 sort of conversation, 450 00:16:17,125 --> 00:16:19,125 that you'll end up having, and you'll you'll 451 00:16:19,125 --> 00:16:21,125 find your vibe between the 2 of you 452 00:16:21,125 --> 00:16:23,209 based on moods, based on past experience, 453 00:16:24,069 --> 00:16:25,429 based on what works and what doesn't work. 454 00:16:25,429 --> 00:16:27,189 And sometimes it's not gonna work. And then 455 00:16:27,189 --> 00:16:29,269 there'll be, like, some level of time out 456 00:16:29,269 --> 00:16:30,329 or, hey. We gotta 457 00:16:30,709 --> 00:16:32,709 talk about this again and and deal with 458 00:16:32,709 --> 00:16:34,309 the fact that, oh, that didn't work the 459 00:16:34,309 --> 00:16:36,464 way y'all thought it would. Mhmm. And that's 460 00:16:36,464 --> 00:16:38,225 okay. That's a whole part of the process. 461 00:16:38,225 --> 00:16:38,725 Yep. 462 00:16:40,144 --> 00:16:40,865 So yeah. 463 00:16:41,264 --> 00:16:43,284 We are I never feel comfortable 464 00:16:43,985 --> 00:16:45,985 speaking on behalf of brats because I don't 465 00:16:45,985 --> 00:16:48,464 consider myself 1, but I am a sassy 466 00:16:48,464 --> 00:16:48,964 girl. 467 00:16:51,309 --> 00:16:53,790 Yes. Indeed. So if you need, like, a 468 00:16:53,790 --> 00:16:55,870 resource or a place, you know, person to 469 00:16:55,870 --> 00:16:57,629 go listen to who's talking about bratting, who 470 00:16:57,629 --> 00:16:58,929 has a brat side, all that, 471 00:16:59,710 --> 00:17:01,710 the Pink King podcast is a great place. 472 00:17:01,710 --> 00:17:02,210 Princess 473 00:17:02,590 --> 00:17:05,835 Rara Yep. Also offers classes. I know she 474 00:17:05,835 --> 00:17:08,255 has at least one, maybe more, on bratting. 475 00:17:08,315 --> 00:17:11,454 Ethical brat ethical bratting, I believe. Yeah. So, 476 00:17:11,914 --> 00:17:12,414 pinkkinkpodcast.com 477 00:17:13,355 --> 00:17:15,434 is the website. Like, check her out if 478 00:17:15,434 --> 00:17:17,434 you, you know, are like, oh, I'll take 479 00:17:17,434 --> 00:17:18,720 a class. Maybe we can do this together, 480 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:18,880 whatever. 481 00:17:19,679 --> 00:17:22,160 Because I think you might get more on 482 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:24,019 the, okay, how do we actively 483 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:24,900 actually 484 00:17:25,759 --> 00:17:27,059 walk this line of 485 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,440 bratting and dealing with the brat in a 486 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,214 way that everybody gets what they need from 487 00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:33,554 it. Yeah. So that would be my recommendation 488 00:17:33,694 --> 00:17:34,595 also. Mhmm. 489 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,654 Thanks for listening to this week's q and 490 00:17:36,654 --> 00:17:38,095 a episode. If you want us to answer 491 00:17:38,095 --> 00:17:39,934 one of your questions, just use the contact 492 00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,394 page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, 493 00:17:42,335 --> 00:17:43,534 or you can find the link in the 494 00:17:43,534 --> 00:17:45,294 show notes. Big thanks as always to our 495 00:17:45,294 --> 00:17:47,600 kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to 496 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,360 do this podcast and keep it going and 497 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:52,000 help kinksters due to your support. If you'd 498 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,360 like to be part of our community and 499 00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:55,360 get access to extra content and a Discord 500 00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:56,960 server with a group of super cool, super 501 00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,960 nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join 502 00:17:58,960 --> 00:17:59,700 us at patreon.com/ 503 00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:01,884 Kayla Lords. That's patreon.com/Kayla 504 00:18:03,384 --> 00:18:04,904 Lords, or use the link in the show 505 00:18:04,904 --> 00:18:05,404 notes.