You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast episode
423.
Kayla Lords here with the one, the only,
the
nicer to your dog sometimes than you are
to me, but it's just part of your
charm. John Brownstone.
I'm just saying Lola gets more good girls
than I do. That's all I'm saying.
That's all I'm saying.
Not bitter or anything. No. Not at all.
No. Not at all. Not at all.
In a
way, that that is related to this week's
topic though. For once, we're not completely,
you know, out left field. Because this week,
for our last episode of the year, before
we take our 2 week break,
we're gonna look back at the state of
our power exchange,
in all parts of our lives and blah
dee, blah dee, blah,
in 2024 because why the hell not? I
don't think we've ever done that before. If
we have, I've already forgotten it.
The mind used to be like a steel
trap. Now it's like a sieve. It's great.
Now it's like a steel colander. It is.
It is.
Yeah. Yeah. That's yes. That is That sums
it up. Right? A sad fact. Yeah. Anyway,
welcome to the loving BDSM podcast. If this
is your first time listening, glad to have
you. If you're back for another week, welcome
back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday
for your kinky pleasure and education, and show
notes are found at lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add
the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You
can also follow the show on fat life
at loving BDSM PC
on Technically threads and Instagram. At that handle,
I will
forever
fucking hate. That is loving d s and
the number one. So at loving d s
one. Yes. That name sucks. No. I can't
change it to have the one I want.
That's the problem. That's why I'm bitter.
We're on Blue Sky, loving BDSM there, dot
blahdyblah,
or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving
BDSM, where you can watch us live stream
the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in
the show notes. Big thanks as always to
our kinky patrons over on Patreon.
Not just our newest peeps, but those who
have been with us
for 2024 and beyond, but 2024.
Anytime in 2024, you have helped make our
2024
a little bit better and brighter.
We are grateful for every fucking one of
you. We are. We are. If you would
like to join our kinky community and get
our undying gratitude,
you can do that. You get extra content.
You get access to a Discord server.
Just,
yeah. There's more I normally say and I've
I've lost the plot already. But you can
join us at patreon.com/kayla
lords. That's patreon.com/kayla
lords or use the link in the show
notes. Okay. So before we hold on. I've
got a fidget.
Before we get into
the episode,
a couple of announcements. Okay.
We're about to take a 2 week break
from content.
So this episode is the last episode of
2024.
For podcast listeners, that means the Friday before
Christmas, and then it'll be all quiet from
us, the week of Christmas, the week of
New Year's.
The last newsletter will go out. That's not
true. The last newsletter will go out on
Friday, but you might get an email
before we come back because the second announcement
is even though we're going on break for
2 weeks, we won't be back until I
think it's January
8 is when our next livestream would be.
But don't trust me because I'm shit with
calendars.
You'll probably get an email if you're on
our email list prior to that,
because
our Patreon
membership drive for 2025
is starting
January 1st.
And the details will be, like we'll do
a little commercial kind of situation for that,
and then talk about it in the first
episode when we get back after our break.
So you might hear from us. Just know
it's been scheduled. I'm I'm getting all this
done before Christmas, like, done.
So, yeah, we're going on a break. It's
gonna be quiet.
If you're, a part of our Patreon membership
and you access our Discord server, which is
the only way you can get to our
Discord server through our Patreon membership,
we'll be around there because we usually are.
But,
yeah, nothing nothing else for a couple weeks.
And then, yeah, we'll we'll dive right back
in. It'll be a Patreon membership drive, and
y'all be so tired of hearing from me
about fucking Patreon. By the time it's over,
you know, you might just join to shut
me up. And, hey, I
I fuck with that. Okay? I'm good with
that. If that's
I can be bribed is what I'm saying.
Anyway,
all that to say, those are the announcements.
It's all it takes to bribe her. It
really is. I almost sent you a reel
today from somebody who has a diet Coke
Christmas tree.
But I don't I don't think I have
any credibility to request something like that when
I don't actually decorate our actual Christmas tree.
So
You did a good job of fluffing it.
I'm wondering
if either the tree is is
or my fluffing skills are shit. Because
when you catch the tree at just the
right slash wrong light, it it looks a
little it looks a little peeking.
Looks a little puny. Okay. It's got some
bald spots. Nice.
I guess I don't,
look at it that intently.
No. I, but I do. Because it was
my responsibility to make it look like a
tree.
And I'm incapable of seeing anything other than
the imperfections of a thing I've ever done
ever in my life. I am not a
good a good fluffer when it comes to
fake trees. And you don't have to be.
You I mean, it would it would look
like,
you know, the tree from Charlie Brown's Christmas.
Think you could do worse than I've done
because I do it with, like, one eye
open and anxiety
riding my ass like a bitch. So
I just I feel like you'd be fine.
But you wrestle the damn thing, You put
it up. I
did. You take it down. So I can
fluff. I can fluff. This has nothing to
do
with this week's topic.
We I did. I we I don't think
we've ever done this before or if we
have, have, we haven't done it in, like,
a formal way. Maybe we have. It's been
almost 10 years, y'all. I can't remember what
I ate last week. Don't ask me what
episode we did a few years ago.
But I did
think we could kinda
we won't do it by dates or months
or just sort of the course of the
year.
How how how things have been with the
power exchange.
The good, the bad, the
and for anybody who is like, oh, okay.
This is this maybe maybe we can do
this. I highly recommend this because when I've
been thinking about this for the past several
days since we knew we were gonna do
this topic, I was like, oh, yeah. Here
are some good things, and here are some
things we can improve. And, you know, it's
kinda like the state of your relationship sort
of thing, and I highly recommend it. If
you're single and it's there's no relationship, the
state of your kink life. Like, what did
you explore?
What did you get rid of?
Who did you get rid of? Right? Like,
you know, I think it can be helpful
to think back on those things to some
extent so that maybe you have
something
to work on for the
coming year or something to look forward to
or some things you thought you would do
that you didn't get a chance to or
some things you thought you'd love and you
realized you hey. Like, there's all it's all
kinds of stuff. So for us,
it's our power exchange relationship
through the year.
I can't do it by time frame because
we all know I no. Don't No. Don't
know my days of the week, let alone
remember what happened in January, but thought we
could do it by topic, like part of
our life.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And and I just wanna
say real quick,
Rawa, I I was wondering if anybody was
gonna pick up on that when I'm about
the fluffing. Rara said I'm multitasking while listening
and heard JB say fluffing, and my mind
went in a totally different direction. And now
I feel very innocent because You don't know
what a fluffer is?
If I if I do, I don't realize
it in this moment that I do. Okay.
Porn movies. Okay. Nope. Definitely don't. Go ahead.
Okay.
You know, it's important for the stars to
be
Yes. I've did not So they so they
have fluffers To keep them you know, on
the cast to keep them, you know
Pumped up Yeah. As it were. Okay. Mhmm.
I did not know that was the term.
Okay. There we go. We've all learned something
new today.
Even if you already knew what a fluffer
was,
you got to learn that Kayla had no
fucking clue. It is that innocent. Okay.
So let's start with, like, the big one,
the actual power exchange,
the decider,
daddy dom decider,
service emissive who does what she's told to
do, that part of the power exchange. Yeah.
From your perspective, how's that been in 2025?
Oh, this freaking Peter Keen, man. Peter Keen.
Nope. That's not helpful. That's not what makes
an episode for anybody.
I struggled in some parts of that this
year.
Okay.
This year
seemed to be
a culmination of a lot of different things
all
coming in on each other. Mhmm. Mhmm.
And,
in in all honesty, the way things have
gone,
the last few years,
I had been doubting my decision making ability.
I mean, same. I mean, I I don't
make final decisions around here, but Yeah. I
was doubting my own ability. I mean, you
you you call me the decider, but, you
know,
earlier on this year,
I had a big struggle with that. Yeah.
Because we were
because when you make a decision, you do
not make that decision in a vacuum. There's
99% of the time, there's a lot of
back and forth. There's a lot of me
saying I have an idea or here's my
view or whatever whatever.
And
what has happened a lot over the past
few years, not just this year, is that
you'll be like, I don't even quite know
what the right answer is. Baby girl, what
do you think? And I I would go,
oh, here's how I
answer is. Baby girl, what do you think?
And I I would go, oh, here's how
I see it. Here's what I think is
possible. Here's what's this. Here's what's that. And
I would not call me a very good
adviser this year because you took a lot
of my suggestions really over the past couple
years,
and not a one of them fucking pandemic.
I mean, I was like, he should not
ask me what I think at all, because
what the fuck do I know anymore?
Yeah.
Yeah. I would say it was a, it's
some of the things that have gone on
have been a a major knock to our
confidence. Like, can we be trusted to make
adult decisions? Yeah. So that that that was
a a big, big struggle,
for me. Mhmm.
I'm not gonna say it's totally gone, but
it's not as as prevalent as it was
earlier this year. Here's what I'll say.
A couple of decisions that you and I
wrestled with, like, over the summer Mhmm. We're
like, we don't know.
Is it good? Is it bad? Is it
right? Is it wrong? Yeah. It we were
realistic enough to go, it will not go
as well as we want it to. It
would be exact like, we've become a lot
more realistic lately. Pragmatic.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
And yet we have made a couple of
decisions that
are sort of turning the tide. You know?
And they're not
I think the
the the thing that
I think we both struggled with this based
on the conversations we were having over the
summer, especially,
was we stopped trusting ourselves
because we would have these ideas of things
that on paper sounded like,
absolutely. This this should work, whatever whatever the
thing is we're trying to do, And they
did not work. Now,
you know, sometimes it was because we had
an overly simplistic view,
and sometimes it was just the natural course
of events where,
no battle plans survives,
you know Yeah.
Anything. So I,
yeah, I can see where that would knock
your confidence. I was terrified to tell you
what I thought about anything because you do
rely on my
opinions I do. In a way that I
mean, it's how I can let you have
control because, yeah, at least I know I'm
listened to. But I was like, don't listen
to me. What the fuck do I know?
Clearly.
Clearly, I'm a dumbass. Right?
So, you know, yeah, with with with that,
you know, it it was hard
to move forward and do anything with our
power exchange per se for me.
You know, we
we relied on our tried and true. Oh,
yeah. You know, the the the the stuff
that we have set in place that that
is routine for
for our our DS, you know, that
was not Sure. It's on autopilot. There's very
little that Yeah. You know, we have to
do for it Yeah. Other than execute it.
Mhmm. Mhmm.
So,
you know, that's that's kinda where where that
was at for me.
I
this year and probably for the past couple
of years, but trying trying to stick with
2024.
This year
was a year where
I think probably for the first time in
our relationship,
it might happened a little bit at the
end of 2023, but definitely happened this year,
earlier this year, is where I had to
say very firmly,
I to myself, but also to you. Because
it is very easy when you you know,
we've talked about being a default parent and
certainly a service per oriented person, whatever. It
is very easy for the for
you to be relied upon
more than you can handle, and I, being
a people pleaser
and having control issues, is like, no. No.
No. I said I would do it. I
would do it. I've you know, there's a
way in my mind. Something needs to work.
Well and I think this year was probably
one of the first years where I finally
went,
I I I can't do all of this
on my own. Mhmm. And, you know, the
nice thing is it was never a confrontation
with you. It was more of a
and I don't say this as a criticism.
I think it's a natural thing that happens
when one person takes care of a lot
of things. It is very easy for the
person who's not handling that to go, oh,
I don't have to think about it. And
I think I finally just went, I can't
carry all of this.
I need you to carry some of this.
And, you know, the reason we work is
she went, well, of course, I kinda wish
you would have said something like 6 months
previously.
Because by the time I got to the
point where I could say,
I can't do all of this on my
own,
I was at a breaking point. You were
you were teetering on the edge. Right. Because
it was, you know,
last year, it started, and this year,
earlier in the year, it was all sort
of converged where there was the business stuff
that was stressful, the money stuff that was
stressful,
home stuff that was stressful, and then parenting
stuff that was stressful. Yes. Yep.
And Yep.
Be me being me, I'm like, oh, well,
I didn't I
I knew that you were going through it.
I knew that you were struggling in your
own way. I also knew that you were
on the edge of burnout, and so I
was like, I'll just take on as much
as I can. Yeah.
You're that goddess, Right.
That
and, you know, it's funny because
the thing I in my ideal
world where,
you know, nothing from the outside world actually
affects
our lives, and everything goes according to plan,
and my optimism
never fails me. You know, that in that
scenario,
you tell me to do a thing and
I do a thing. You give me a
responsibility and I take it, and I handle
it all with grace. But we live in
the real world.
And, actually,
I was becoming a twitchy,
you know,
angry,
overstimulated fucking mess.
And by the time I said something, it
was at that point where I was practically
frothing at the mouth and screaming
slash curled in a fetal position rocking back
and forth. Right? Like, I I almost waited
too long. Yeah.
Thankfully, you are who you are. So it
was more of a there was a I
think my read on you was that there
was a sense of relief that I finally
fucking said something
mixed with I don't know if it was
you have to tell me. I don't know
if it was surprise
or if it was a, oh, oops my
bad of,
oh, you're actually not handling all of these
things as well as you pretend you are.
And and it it it was kind of
on the the surprise end
because I
had
pulled so far
in,
I wasn't seen. No. Yeah. And I think
I Which is very unusual for me. And
I think I was aware.
Mhmm. Because I cannot we've talked to this
for years. I know when we're disconnected.
Yeah. I was so in my own head
though that I
thinking about our disconnect was just one more
thing on my list, and it was like
it would have been a breaking point, I
think. So
I think we both pulled inwards just in
different ways. I became,
like,
obsessed with all the things that needed to
be done, and how was I gonna make
it happen, and how was I gonna make
your life a little bit easier, and how
is I gonna prevent you from going through
burnout? Because if you go through burnout, we're
both fucked.
And,
you know,
I wasn't doing a good job of going,
wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. This is a
partnership, and you can't do it all. And
you gotta say something. But then by the
time I said something,
very few fucks are given.
And
yet, I also had that immediate and I
wish I didn't and I, you know,
need therapy, I'm sure, to deal with it.
That immediate guilt of
I'm I'm putting stuff on you.
Mostly I'm just handing it over. I'm just
sharing it. Like, please carry this with me.
Yeah. But
I have it. I get it in my
head that if I say I'm gonna do
it and I say I'm gonna take the
responsibility, then I need to take the responsibility.
It it it's funny because you would think,
after all these
years, you know we do well when we
share things. So much better. So much fucking
better. And and yet here we are,
all of these years later,
though we we gotta break that cycle. How
do we break that cycle?
Shit.
I knew. Yeah.
Yeah. I know. So, yeah, nothing new happened
with our power exchange at all. It's and
this has been true for a few years.
Yeah. We've been on autopilot, but I am
grateful for the fucking autopilot because the one
thing
I very rarely feel is not very submissive.
Mhmm. And I think I have the luxury
of
consistently feeling my submissive headspace because I do
stuff that is directly tied to our negotiation
for our power exchange, and I do stuff
daily. Right? Like, I on certain levels, I
can't recommend that enough to others.
Find a routine
that you get into even if it's a
couple of small things that you can do
daily or near daily,
you know, as a submissive because as long
as you remember how you got there, why
you're doing it, and it's still fulfilling in
some way,
you know, you always have that
touchstone to your own submission. But for
for dominance, I would imagine that's harder because
you absolutely
had time past couple years, but certainly this
year earlier, especially,
where you didn't have it in you to
decide or to tell or to control, or
to make, you know, any of that. No.
And and and then
things here were so
so chaotic
with the homeschooling.
So glad we figured that out. Right?
You know, getting to the end of the
school year
Which was a struggle. It was And we
were a month and a half late on
that. Yeah. You know,
kind of dragging across the finish line there
to, get out of 8th grade.
But we did it. Yeah. It it's not
really was a team effort. Yeah. We did
that, not him. We did that. Yeah. But,
you know, that was that was a a
thing. There's
parenting is the one thing that does not
touch our power exchange. Mhmm. And it was
one of the biggest stressors
for starting in 2023, but most of it
was happening in 2024
because
the youngest, health was a factor. Right. You
know, his education was a factor.
I was doing things as a parent that
I had joked for literal years I would
never do. Mhmm.
The universe
it's like holding my beer.
And it was and I struggle with change,
and, you know, I I know I'm not
alone in this, certainly, as a parent of
you don't ever know if you're doing the
right thing. So I was walking around every
single day going, have I fucked up my
own kids' education and future?
Do do I even know what I'm doing?
The answer is I don't have a fucking
clue, but, you know, there was there was
a lot of stress to carry, and I
wasn't good at handing it over to you.
Mhmm.
Mostly because
I'm happy to hand over
a stressor that you're willing to take on.
If I can wrap my mind around what
I think both the problem and the solution
might be, I just can't get us there.
Don't have it in me. Need some help.
But I was so lost and in the
woods on that, you know, that I didn't
even know how to ask for help. Mhmm.
And I think to a certain extent, my
my perception was is, 1, I think you
were intimidated by the education
part, and 2,
because this is just the nature of how
it has been with me and the youngest
his whole life,
as his and he his words, as his
safe person,
I imagine from the outside of that, it's
very hard
to find a way to step into,
like
It is. It is. And and I think
for me,
it was just a
a combination of everything.
Okay?
You know, between his schooling,
between his his physical health, between his mental
health, all those things that were going on.
Mhmm. And and it was just such a
consuming
Mhmm.
Thing for for us.
At the same time, you have to have
a business so you can pay your mortgage.
Right. At the same time, we were dealing
with the culmination of some financial stuff that
had been going on for years, and it
just came to a head in 2024.
At the same time, at the same time,
at the same time. And I knew I
should've should've gotten here before this,
but I knew it was time to share
the fucking load
when I started getting resentful, when I started
having, like, the martyr complex. Because
on paper, I was doing,
like, the the scales of, you know, the
balance of the load sharing was so out
of fucking whack. We were literally having conversations
of,
I this is me. I want you to
go have fun with your kink friends, but
you are literally going to a thing every
weekend, and I have not left the house
in 2 months, like, for anything other than
doctor's appointments and grocery store. Right? Like, it
was the the it was so out of
balance
that
I was just angry
on top of stress, on top of, on
top of And and see, that was my
way of trying to escape from everything. And
I was letting you for a long time.
I was just letting you. I was like,
I'll handle it. I'll handle it. And is
it my people pleasing self? Is it my
love for you? Is it being submissive? Is
it do you all of the above?
Where I want to give you that. I
want you to have your escape. I want
you to go have your fun. I know
I'm not going to do the social stuff
with you and I don't wanna hold you
back. Right? So I'm like, go, do, because
if you can be a little bit happier,
then our life will be a little bit
easier,
except then I tried to bury myself a
bit. Yeah. And and, you know, I'm I'm
not gonna lie.
Usually,
usually
I'm pretty good
about picking up on your cues. Oh, yeah.
Usually. Alright. Usually.
And
this
past time,
I
completely
No. You had turned so far inward into
your own head that you really and I
think that that might have been my turning
point because I could sense it. There were
times I had so much going on. I
don't have time and I hate to say
this. This set feels awful. I didn't have
time for you. Right?
Too much else going on. Yeah.
But by the time I was able to
kind of
I never I didn't get to step back
and look at stuff till we got to,
like, August, September y'all. So 1st 6, 7
months of the year, it was just sort
of a survival mode that was getting
increasingly harder to bear
week after week, month after month. Mhmm. And
it was never that I finally had this
moment of clarity. It was when I was
so fucking resentful.
That is, you know Mhmm. That is my
clue
that we're not just disconnected. We are completely
off kilter. Yeah. Because we Yeah.
Actively try to have a relationship
where there's no room for resentment to get
built up. Because you're communicating enough, because you're
sharing the load, because we're talking things out,
but, you know, all and
I recall multiple
I recall multiple conversations sitting on our back
patio where I'm just leaning forward,
elbows on my knees,
hate feeling like an awful human being because
I was telling you I didn't think you
were doing enough.
I I felt guilty.
People pleaser? Submissive.
I don't know. Yeah. Pardon me. And and
yet you were within every right to call
me out on that. I know. But I
don't like it. I know. You are my
daddy who, you know, in my mind wears
a superhero cape and can do no wrong.
It's not all the kind of thought. Okay.
Not on not in there. Not infallible.
I know. I hate it though. I don't
I don't What's from it? I don't wanna
be the one to point it out.
Somebody's gotta do it. I know. Can you
just, like, do it for yourself next time?
We have we are still not doing anything
new
or
concrete with our power exchange beyond
the the things we've been doing for a
little years.
I after our conversations in the summer and
you sort of
started going, oh, okay. I'm
I'm I'm I'm aware, and I'm I'm paying
attention again. Mhmm. We had a little bit
of time where you were
for a little bit of time, you were
back in that dom headspace. Mhmm. You would
tell me to do more things. You'd give
me a couple
within reason, and and you would always preface
it with what have you got going on.
But you'd give me more tasks, and we
we had a little bit more of that.
And then
this has nothing to do with our stress
levels. It's
just the nature the fact of life of
the how we are and what's going on.
The closer we got to the end of
the year, the more it was like, everybody
just put your head down and work because
this is the time of year when that's
all we do. Yeah.
And so
past couple of months,
you know, we had sort of a peak
in, like, in July, August,
and then it sort of calmed down again
after them. Well, you know, I
and I think while
it is not,
you know, the rip roaring,
roller coaster ride
that we had in the past,
I I think
to a certain extent
finding
the new stride. Mhmm.
Alright.
You know, before when when the,
the youngest was home 247
And he still is. He still is. I
mean, yeah, he still is. But in the
in the very beginning of that, it was
like, oh my god. We're never gonna get
to do anything again. We're never gonna be
able to have a minute alone, Miles. And
Yes. And I think
both of us, but I really think you
more than me,
because you got so stuck in your head,
were mourning a thing we lost without realizing
that there's always a way. You just have
to get creative or you have to do
it a little differently than you did before.
And I and I think that was
yeah. I I think it was it was
mourning a loss instead of because we weren't
ready at that point. No. Nor did we
have time or energy to think creatively and
go, what can we do instead? Right. Because
we there was a a portion of from
January 1st, if we're just focusing on 2024,
from January 1st till probably about June, July,
it was survival mode on on different levels.
Maybe not financially,
but as parents in our relationship, there are
certain we were just we'll just make it
through the fucking day. Just get through the
day And hope it sucks a little less
than it did yesterday.
True. True. True. True.
True. True. True. But
I I I think now,
you know, even though we have been focused
on work
these last few months,
also starting to find a new stride.
I think you might be feeling that more
than I am right now. The if I'm
if I'm feeling
stride might not be the word I would
use. If I'm feeling anything a little
bit different Mhmm. It's less in the power
exchange
and more I know for me personally,
more in my baby girl self. Mhmm. And
that's really only been the past couple weeks.
Yeah.
You know?
I I think that what we if I
were to describe anything like a stride,
I think it's that our communication has gotten
clear again. Yes.
We are proactive,
both of us, when we can see
something on the horizon that's either gonna fuck
with 1 of us
or it could cause an issue if we
don't talk about it now. Mhmm. Or, you
know, it's a worry one of us is
carrying and instead of just, like, holding it
in and Yeah. You know, we go ahead
and talk about it, I think there, we
have we've we have the mental energy and
space to do it. Yeah. Because the biggest
thing going on in our lives from the
start of the year has calmed down. The
youngest is
fucking thriving at this point. It's like a
whole different kid. His physical health is
is doing very well. His mental health is
better. His mental health is is on a
level even teal.
In a way we haven't seen in probably
a couple years. Right.
His education is I get to be a
lot more hands off than I'm in, and
you are a lot more hands on Yes.
Than you've ever been. Correct. And that leaves
room
to then think of other things, you know.
Correct. There's energy and mental space
stride in a sense, and and maybe that's
not the the right word for it, but,
you know,
have been finding
times when
I can express my sadist. Let the sadist
out. Yeah. And, you know, all of it's
intermingled.
Who we are, it's all bits and pieces
and they all kinda go
together. But
my because I am like this and I
tend to compartmentalize stuff. Yeah. Your sadist side,
in my mind,
is often slightly different,
not always, but slightly different than your dom
side. Your dom side is the decider. Now
does your sadist and dom come together and
shake hands and play nicely together and abso
fucking lily.
Absolutely.
And then it's, you know, I know I
know I've got my sadistic dom
in that moment. Mhmm.
But the part of you that's just, like,
the person who makes the decisions, the person
who,
leads,
I tend not to think of your sadistic
side in that moment.
But if we're talking about your sadistic self,
yes. Because which I think we talked about
this last week and probably a few weeks
before. We have finally
figured it fucking out that a certain point
of the day,
that kid don't hear us. Mm-mm.
Those headphones go on. He's He doesn't know
he exists. Talking to his friends, he's gay.
Man, we're not, like, shrieking and screaming and,
like, you know,
acting like crazy people either. So Mm-mm. We
understood trying to be a little quieter, but,
like, we have a lot more freedom than
we thought we did. Correct. And that is
the
I get frustrated because hindsight's 2020, but also
it's like, man, we lost a lot of
fucking time because we were so in our
heads about it that we were just convinced
we couldn't do things the way we had
done them and so we did not think
about this The way we could. Right. And
but we also didn't have the mental space
for that. That's true. We were in survival
mode as parents. So We were a hot
mess. We were. So now and that's that's
a that's a thing that I have to
remember that I would encourage others to try
to remember is when you are at the
peak of a stressful thing,
all of your any extra energy, mental or
physical that you have is going to that
thing. You are not gonna think creatively
about how you're gonna your kink on. You're
not gonna think creatively
about how you have a power exchange
under brand new life circumstances that you could
not have conceived of before and have not
adjusted to. Yeah. And we spent,
like,
okay.
It ended up being what?
10 months
adjusting,
pull the kid out of public school,
get keep educating him, deal with his health,
realize that things weren't working. I was fighting
my my instincts were saying, hey. You gotta
do something different. But the part of me
that likes to follow rules and do what's
air quote right was like, but this is
how you know, this has always been done.
And so if I'm going against the grain,
I'm surely getting it wrong and convincing you
at the time when you were in your
fucking head and you were just as unsure
about how do we do this. I don't
know.
Once we got through that and I got
proven right, which has been delightful,
then the the mental space opens up and
you can think about new things. And so,
yes, your your sadist has has been out.
Is it your sadist that gives me half
a fucking butt rub and then goes, okay.
Good night. Time to go to bed. It
is a small.
What the fuck?
I thought it was a tired daddy. Like,
I gave her what I could. This is
all I had. Little of both. Little of
both. No. It's your sadist.
No wonder you're like, oh, no. Totally a
touch of sadist side.
I bet the hell you are.
I just want my butt touched tonight. That's
all I want.
You're way too pleased with yourself. Why does
it take me literal months to figure shit
out?
That's what
that's been an issue our whole fucking relationship.
You're over there being a sadistic sadist
bastard and I'm like,
I guess my daddy just doesn't have time
or so.
And then one day, like a fucking light
bulb, it got brighter in there
when it's oh, fuck.
So no wonder you're in a stride.
I'm over here. Go ahead. Just can somebody
please touch my butt?
Goddamn.
Have you been mind fucking me again?
See, anybody who's, like, gone back in the
archive or been with us for a few
years
can probably think back to times when in
the middle of an episode, I'm like, wait.
Was that a mind fuck? And he laughs
just like that. And
I don't wanna be naive. I mean, okay.
I really don't. But clearly,
when it comes to you, I am.
Have you been mind fucking me with butt
rubs? Is that is that what has been
happening?
Have I been edged? Are you edging me
with butt rubs?
Well, you know, it's the dumb
creed that no. The creed that, you know,
you always leave and wanna warn.
Dude.
Baby girls cannot survive off half a butt
rub alone. Okay?
You gotta balance
it. It's been unbalanced.
One
half spanking
every 10 business days is not enough.
Just saying.
That leads me into the I think I've
been feeling my baby girl's self a lot
more. You have. You have.
You have. There's been a few times
lately now that I'm like,
do you really want wine?
Yes. Yes. I do. I've got to let
this out somehow, someway. Yeah. You know, that
I I have noticed that about myself,
over the years, and and this year is
just an example of it. Mhmm. When things
get stressful and I just sort of lock
that side of myself away because there's no
time, there's no room, there's no space. I
got shit to do.
You know? I've got to be a functioning
adult to the most of my ability. Yeah.
Right? So the baby girl side kinda gets
locked away. I don't get playful. I stay
very serious,
very resting bitch face.
The first way it starts coming out when
I'm I feel like it's safe, air quote,
that, whatever that fucking means at any given
time, is whining. It's complaining. It's allowing myself
to fucking complain. But to do it in
a way
that
can still be semi playful, that can still
be and you know, is that
that leads to a question that I don't
have any answers to nor do I even
think I care to try to deconstruct of.
Is my baby girl side, the whining side
especially,
is it
a less
aggressive, maybe even a passive aggressive way
of letting my negative feelings out? Because
in our dynamic, at least, me being whiny
is
more acceptable
and will not lead to a fight
or a disagreement or an argument,
unlike if I come to you and go,
let me tell you, this is some fucking
bullshit she said respectively,
respectfully
and submissively.
Yeah. You know? And
I don't think it's a passive I don't
I I would I would take back the
passive aggressive part.
I think it is
the part of me that feels safe to
complain Mhmm.
Is when I I get whiny about it.
Because here's what I've noticed,
you will,
not always, because we're not always in sync.
Mhmm.
But typically, you will respond
like a daddy, sadistic daddy, bratty daddy. I
don't know which one I'm getting on a
given date. But if I let loose in
that way,
you'll give me a teasing daddy response. Mhmm.
And then within
not that long of a time frame, never
more than a week, probably not even a
a full day,
you're
either seeing the problem and taking action and
taking care of it, or we're having the
conversation about
what do you need? What's going on? Whatever
whatever.
Yes. I should use my big girl voice
and just say I'm unhappy right now. But
it's sometimes it's it just feels freaking good.
I I don't like this.
It's clear what I mean.
It I'm I am clearly communicating.
Hard not to get that
hard not to get that meaning.
Exactly. Yeah.
Once I have the time
and the space and the energy and the
safety and the whatever whatever whatever
to let myself whine,
then I can go the other way. Yeah.
And it's the past few months,
it's my baby girl side has come out
more than even I think I have realized
because at night,
when we're trying to go to bed and
I get my zoomies.
Yeah. Oh, god. Yeah. I don't even think
I could describe to you what is happening
in that bed. None of it's sexual.
It is all ridiculously
silly.
Last night, we were both laughing so hard
we were crying. Oh, god. I and and
if I tried
to explain it,
how you would think I needed to be
committed somewhere. It would not make any sense.
So I'm not even gonna try. Just know
it gets goofy. Mhmm. It gets goofy
because you know what? And I was I've
been thinking about this.
That time of night Mhmm. When we're both
in a head space where if I get
silly,
you you feed off that energy. Because some
nights, no no no no no. No. No.
No. No. No. He's not feeding off the
energy. He's not feeding off anything. No. No.
No. No. No. No. And I get the
I get the message really fucking quick.
Just let let's go to sleep.
But
the nights you feed off
the energy, where was I going with that
fucking hell? I hate it when I do
that.
I had a whole thought and then my
own
Uh-uh.
Brain sidetracked me.
It might be gone forever.
But, no, we're
we're playful in that moment. Yeah.
And we are it's because that's where I
was. It's because it's the end of the
day and, yes, the stressors are all still
there Mhmm. But it's this time where
nobody is asking for anything. Right.
There there's no to do list. There's no
responsibilities.
We're just laying in the fucking bed. Phone's
not ringing.
Nobody's knocking at the door. Nobody's yeah. Right.
And in that quiet time,
some days not all, we can both kind
of just relax and just
be together. And when we are,
I think at our most relaxed,
our least stressed out, we are very silly
human beings.
Excuse me. This baby got a bubble.
I do. We are very when in those
moments, we are very silly human beings. Oh,
yeah.
Yeah. And, you know, I I'm
maybe that's kind of what's gotten
me personally through the past several months because
we haven't had,
you know,
we haven't done deepened our power exchange at
all, and we haven't played a lot. And,
you know, I have not really felt my
baby girl self.
It's been a while. It's been a while.
But in those moments, I don't usually classify
it as that. But if I'm when I
think back on the behavior and the way
my voice sounds and the way we respond
to one another, I'm like, no. That's that's
classic.
That's classic daddy and baby girl.
But I I I get why too. Everything
else has to, like,
fall away Yeah. In order to have that
moment. Reach that space. Yeah. Mhmm. Yep.
Mhmm. Yep. Yep.
If you are in a power exchange where
you get to go to bed with your
your other,
at any I highly recommend being silly as
fuck. Right? Where you sleep? If one of
you get zoomies and it's not harmful to
the other, I would just
take
few times we have laughed so hard.
We've cried. Yeah. We've just cried. Yep.
That feels really good. Last night felt really
It did. Good. It did.
I was laughing so hard, it hurt. Yes.
Yes.
And in the middle of it, I'm like,
when was the last time it was like
this? Mhmm. It's been more frequent over the
past few weeks. But prior to, like, this
sort of maybe 6 to 8 week time
frame, I think it had been a few
months Yeah.
Easily. You know, since it had been that
way. Or it had just been really, really
infrequent.
What else would you say about the
state of our power exchange
over the past year?
It's been a bumpy ride.
I mean,
the whole damn time has been hella. Yeah.
It has. You know, I don't I'm I'm
done trying to predict what the fuck's gonna
happen next because I don't have a fucking
clue
life has taught me that in the past
few years.
But the thing that I
outside of our our power exchange and just
the life in general and the relationship with
which in which we live and try to
live our dynamic.
The thing I noticed this year is there
were there were absolutely times outside of parenting,
outside of all that,
where we were on edge and we were
very freaked out and we were like,
oh, shit. What do we do? And a
lot of it was the culmination of all
the crazy shit that happened for 2 or
3 years. Mhmm.
And there were absolutely times earlier this year
I was like, fucking
are we gonna make it? Like and not
relationship wise, but, like,
business,
house,
lifestyle. Like, are we can do we even
know what the fuck we're doing? None of
us know what the fuck we're doing. Let's
just all admit that. We're all making it
up as we go along.
But by the towards the end of the
summer and
into where we're at now Mhmm. I feel
like
we've had
very good luck
of
not getting it wrong. And we made some
decisions that have actually
are help are actively helping us. Yeah. We
had all that crazy, mostly financial shit, but
personal and mental health shit for 2 to
3 years.
It culminated right at the end of last
year, early this year
in very stressful ways.
Really? Make you wonder,
why does anybody have to be an adult?
This sucks. Yeah.
And, you know, I think we we did
and we will probably forever battle that self
doubt because we had so many ideas of
what was gonna fix our life, and none
of them fucking worked. None of it did
a thing. No. Sometimes made it worse. Yep.
Fuck times. Mhmm.
But we hit a point where we were,
you know, we got it right somehow. Pure
fucking luck. Mhmm. And now I feel like
something else will happen. That's just life. Like,
something will come out of nowhere, and I
don't know what the fuck will happen, and
we'll just
survive it as best we can.
But I do feel like
we're in a better
place
financially and, you know, in our life, but
also with, you know, as individuals,
maybe mental health wise and certainly together
in our relationship, I feel like we're in
one of the best places we've been for
a while. It absolutely. I I agree with
that wholeheartedly.
You know, there there have been some things
this coming into this fall
that,
kind of look like it's gonna be a
wrap up of some things that have been
hanging
Yes. For a while. And then we can
fix some things that have been hanging over
us for a while.
And, you know,
because of what the last 2 years have
taught me,
I am happy to see things moving in
that direction.
But I am going to be
a little bit cynical. Mhmm.
I think we need to be. Until the
the the i's are dotted and the t's
are crossed. Well, and I think we're gonna
stay cynical for after that. Even when that
culminates. No. We're not talking about it. Sure.
We know we're teases. It's fine.
Because we had we made so many decisions
based on
unfounded
optimism
Yeah. That I think we've become cynical just
in general. I don't think we believe anything
until we see it, which is not Yeah.
The worst thing. But as an eternal optimist,
I struggle. I wanna believe in shit before
it happens. Yeah.
But I think it's made us more cautious
too. Yeah. And and, you know, I I,
I'm gonna say it.
I I really think, you know, now
I I I know life has been consumed
by work lately, but, you know, some of
this stuff
quieting down has given me
some time to think Mhmm. And and retrospect
on some of it.
And and I realize now, you know, while
I say I I there was a a
while there I was doubting my decisions,
I also realized
now, after after looking back on some of
it,
there was no good decision
to be made on some of this. Yes.
There was there's only terrible decisions and you
just had to go, can I live with
the outcome of this one? Right.
And and that and that's kind of,
you know, and it it didn't matter how
much we had talked about and what we
did. You know, the the outcome was
Right. Not optimal in any way. I know.
And I I think that I think that
was a knock to our confidence to realize
that though.
You know? Because I'm an internal optimist and
you're a I'm a fixer too, but you're
a fixer and in charge, which you are
through the consent of the governed. But,
you know, if when your confidence gets rocked
like that, it's, you know, for me, it's
hard to be an to be optimistic.
Not always a bad thing. Sometimes I need
to be a little less optimistic. Let's I
need to be realistic.
But, you know, if you can't fix it,
that kills your confidence. Yeah. If you make
decisions and they don't pan out in the
best possible scenario that everybody hoped for, which
they were never going to looking back on
them, that kills your confidence. Like, how
how could you make decisions when all you
had were bad choices?
Right. Like, a choice had to be made.
Yeah. There were no good ones.
It was,
what will maybe fuck us up the least?
Least. Yeah.
Mhmm. Mhmm. And you know what? You know
what? Came down to. Yeah. Some of those
choices that you really wrestled with that I
was like, I support you. This is what
we're gonna do. I'm here. I think this
is right, but whatever you wanna do.
Man, sometimes it's kinda nice to be able
to go, you know, you're the designer.
I always give my opinion
and I always go, I will back you.
You know? Yeah. I I'm with you. But
you had so much of that,
you know, that of of course
you didn't trust your own decision making. Yeah.
And I think it's
not easy to see in the moment when
all you have are bad choices. Because Yeah.
Especially if you have an optimistic bone in
your body, you're probably going, but wait, there
if I just keep thinking on it a
little bit harder, the perfect
wonderful solution that makes everything,
kittens and rainbows,
will happen.
Like, just do that one. It it doesn't.
It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. Ain't gonna
happen. You can wait till the cows come
home. But those least bad options, as painful
as some of them are Yeah. Because it
really knocked your sense of self worth in
who you are as an adult.
Because you had a story in your head
of I've never been in this situation.
I've never had to do this. Yeah. You
know, as an adult, I've always found us
blah blah blah blah. And I'm over here
going, no. No. No. I've lived this life.
Let me tell you, you will survive it.
You will survive it. Oh, boy.
You know, I
I think part of what might be helping
us feel better is we made the least
shitty decision we could.
And it's
it had to be really tough to start
it, and now it's turning to bear fruit.
Yes. Yeah.
Yep.
You know, and and that's that's,
yeah, what a year.
Mhmm. I feel like this year was a
year of
finding
I don't wanna say balance,
but finding
the least stressful of
chaos. Like, the chaos calmed down enough because
we got used to it Mhmm. And found
our way through.
I'd love to say 2025
will be the year we thrive because everybody's
fucking saying that because thriving 5. We're like
I I am reluctant to be that,
you know, optimistic about it. But I do
think that we are finally barring any weird
shit that could happen that we don't control.
I think we're
on a better path than we have been
on.
We are in a better space mentally
at this time this year than we were
a full year ago. Yeah. Like, that was
we were we were wrecked. We didn't know
what the fuck we were doing and what
was happening and how we're gonna
and I don't feel like that's where we're
at. Yeah. Which means if if we can
be fortunate enough that this,
pattern can continue Mhmm. It means 2025
might be a year we can actually go,
hey, can we give 5 minutes to focus
on ourselves Right. And our dynamic and our
kink?
And and, you know, that that's something I
I was I've been thinking because,
you know, with all this,
you know, we've we've been able to
to do a little bit more than we
thought we have been able to do. Mhmm.
And and
my hope is that that can continue
and grow.
Mhmm. I I think that part of the
lesson we learned as people, not
kink
otherwise, just as people living a a life,
is that
the least perfect solution
is often a great one. And I say
that and I
not financially, not life decisions,
kink decisions.
You have
you know, you've resisted the fact that we
don't necessarily get to be alone in our
house for fuckery. Right? You've resisted the fact
that
you can't go you can't really go hard
on me because I'm kind of,
but, like, we can't get as ruckus as
we
once did.
And yet,
there are we are still having moments where
it's like, oh, this feels good.
Within the past few months, maybe it was
late summer,
you yanked me into the
into the workshop in the backyard out of
nowhere. I didn't know it was coming and
wailed on me for, like, I think it
was 5, 10 minutes.
I I walked back into the office in
the days. I remember that. I I texted
you. I said, hey, I need your help
in the shop.
Yep.
And, you know, I think we are not
the only ones. This happens to people in
general. It's easy to get caught up on
the perfect
option, the thing you really want it to
be. The the full on scene, the the
freedom to go to the dungeon and, you
know,
be out at all hours or not come
home or whatever, but, like, whatever whatever we
might envision of this is how we want
it to be.
It's very easy to then think anything less
than that is so imperfect as to not
be worth it.
And I even knowing this rationally in this
moment, I I personally
have always struggled with this.
But the past few years, not just this
year, has really sort of shown and and,
you know, borne out in reality that even
those
10, 15, if you're lucky to have it,
20 minutes of
imperfect connection that still feels good, is still
within your limits, is still what you would
like, just not the ideal version.
Mhmm.
Sometimes it's all you fucking got to get
you through to the next time. You can
take those 5 or 10 or 15 whatever
minutes. Yeah.
And it and it
is sometimes sweeter and and I when I
say sweeter, I don't mean kind. I mean,
like,
it it feels
good in a way that the,
you know,
oh,
we're going to the, let's say, the dungeon
for, like, you know, the 3rd weekend in
a row, and this is what we do
now. Like, there's there's a difference in the
way
that
hard one time
and moment together that is imperfect and not
the way it used to be and not,
you know, how we would prefer it to
be, but it works and it feels good
and it's a moment of connection
versus
the way you've been doing it that's, you
know, the quote right way or the perfect
way that you get to take for granted
because it's just what you do now. Right?
Mhmm. And I would like to get back
to the this is what we do and
it's part of a routine. Sure. Sure. Sure.
But I am currently
very well aware of how
good it feels when we grab those moments
Yeah. Imperfect as they are. Yep. Yep. Yep.
I agree. Mhmm. I agree.
Mhmm. Mhmm. So, yeah, that's the state of
our power exchange. Yeah. It's a hot ass
mess, but we're doing the best we can.
Right.
And quite frankly, I think I think that's
all anybody can ask. That's all yeah. I
mean, yeah. It's true. That's that's all you
can do. You can do the best best
that you can do under the circumstances you
have.
You know? Yeah. Make the best of bad
situations. Make the best of good situations.
Mhmm. Personal experience, I'll tell you, don't, take
the good for granted because Mhmm. It can
get you yanked in a heartbeat
by some random shit you didn't see coming.
Like a rug being pulled out on Monday.
Right.
But, you know, I'm grateful that with all
of the from the being hit by a
literal fucking car to everything else that, you
know, came after.
I'm glad that what
all those years have allowed us to do
is to get closer. Yeah. We're we're not
perfect at it, but we are better at
communicating.
Mhmm. We are better at saying hardship.
Like, we had hardship come up before. Oh,
yeah. But mostly, it was stuff that,
you know, it impacted 1 but not the
other, or it was, like, typical, air quote,
that typical stuff,
and we just could kinda roll with it,
and one of us could lean on the
other.
The past few years have been shit that's
hit us both, sometimes in completely different ways,
but it hit us both.
And we didn't it wasn't a situation where
one could lean on the other. We had
to lean on each other, and it took
us a hot minute to figure that out.
Yeah.
And it took us took me longer than
probably it should have to say hard things
to JB.
You know? Because he is the type that
goes into his head and withdraws from everybody
when stuff gets hard. I'm the type that's
like, I'm gonna look for a $11,000,000
solution.
Try them all. If I stay busy, I
can't think about the bad. And if I
can't think about the bad, then I can't
feel the bad, and then it doesn't exist,
and I'll just keep working forever.
Neither of ours our options are healthy. Neither
of them do well. And we
are getting better
at finding
a third middle option that Yeah. Is a
little bit more productive. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
So, yeah, I,
if any of not what we were talking
about, because it's all you a highly unique
and individual. Mhmm. But if the idea of
thinking about
your power changer if you're in a relationship
resonates, I highly recommend. Like, what was good?
What was bad? What have you learned? What
do you wish you had more of? You
know, stuff like that. And if you're single,
I think you can do it
for where do you want
you you
I hate to say it so cliche, but
I'm sorry. I'm gonna say it anyway. Where
do you want your kink journey to take
you? Where what did you do this year?
What could you have done? What do you
wish you had done? What did you try
that worked? What did you try that didn't
work?
And how
you know,
what did you learn in all of that?
And I think that can be useful,
especially for planning what you wanna do in
the future.
True. Will our first episode
of 2025
be about that? Maybe.
Mhmm. If I can't think of something better.
Yeah.
So
yeah.
I think that's it and we can do
a bonus section.
So,
are we good? It's not for me to
say.
Keep it kinky y'all. And we'll see you
in 2025.
Daddy.
Yes? Should we talk to the crickets, please?
Yes. Did you do that on purpose? No.
That I didn't know. No. There was there
was an actual struggle there.
Watching the timer on the audio file, he'd
write one number,
colon,
I'd go,
then he'd look,
and he'd write another singular number.
I'd go,
and then he'd look. Again.
What I typically do now,
that you've trained me Yeah. Is I wait
until I can see that you have a
a number in your head you're writing. This
is for editing when, you know, when we're
done with the stream and recording. And you
once you start writing the full time of
here's where I have to go in and
edit, blah blah blah, I know I can
ask because you were you've committed
to the numbers.
But you had not, and I just had
to keep waiting. And I know it was
maybe 2 seconds of our lives. It felt
like 20 years. It felt like you were
never gonna be done.
Yep. There you go. Same.
So,
what you got for bonus section?
Let's see.
It has now been three and a half
weeks
without my whoobie.
Mhmm. For anybody who
is unaware, the whoobie is his old music.
And why do we call it whoobie? You
would have to go back to an eighties
movie with Michael Keaton called mister Mom. And
Terry Carr, wasn't Terry Carr? Didn't she pass
away recently? I think so. I think so.
Well, now I made myself sad. Also, I
think I'd like to watch mister Mom again.
Except I'll bet money it hasn't aged well.
Right.
Yeah.
So but yeah. I I it has been
now three and a half weeks. How do
you feel? Picked up.
Okay. Is it at all gotten easier? Is
it still too soon? It I it's still
too soon. There are times
there are certain times,
when I get terrible urges
after eating Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That makes
sense. Is is 1.
When I get in the car
to drive, because I'm, oh, you know, in
the car, I mean Mhmm. Mhmm. So it's,
it's been tough, but I've been I've been
managing.
Okay. Okay. Managing.
And,
Cricket sent me this.
And what is that thing called? It's it's
called a Fum, f
u m. And for podcast listeners who can't
see, how would you describe that?
Oh, wow. Yeah. We got the fork. It
it's a little
it it's a vape that isn't a vape.
Yeah. Because, see, it looks like those stick
vapes that a lot of people like.
But there is no battering. Mhmm.
You're not breathing out vapor Not breathing. Or
whatever the hell that was? No.
It it's a fidget.
Fidget thing. That that you can suck on.
Yeah.
Sorry. I don't know. And it does have
a little cartridge in there and apparent it's
it's,
flavored.
Okay. So it's you're just sucking
sucking on, like, flavor and air? Flavor flavored
air. Okay. Okay. So you get the feeling
of puff puff, but not the actuality. Right.
Okay. Yeah. And it's it's, just got it
today. It came today,
and,
I'm kinda liking it. I feel like now
that I know what I why I had
to stand in the line at the post
office for 30 minutes for, I feel like
I might need a prize for them. I'm
very I'm very grateful
to the cricket who sent it to you.
I think it was very kind of them.
Yes.
I am
happy. I was able to finally get to
the post office. And according to the little
yellow ticket they put in our box, it's
been there since 12th.
The day I checked the mail was whatever
day Monday is of this week, 16th.
And the line was to the like, our
that post office is, I think, probably one
of, if not the biggest one in our
town. It's the downtown post office. So Monday
through Friday, it is wild in there. Yeah.
And the area where you go in and
you're at the counters and you're, like,
sending stuff and paying for stuff, whatever, it's
a huge area. So when
the line gets to the actual door, you
go in there, it's a long ass line.
And the day I saw the yellow tabby
thing, that means go to the counter and
pick up your box.
I was like, not today, Satan. It is
not happening.
It was too long, and I had a
kid in the car who's nope. Nope. Nope.
And I had to pee. Nope.
So then I told myself, Tuesday morning, I'd
get up and just, like,
be at the post office when they open,
knowing it's holiday time, so there's gonna be
a line, but it would not be a
3 o'clock in the afternoon line.
Good. So I was like, okay. And then
Monday night, I was on 3 days of
a headache, and I took some took my
migraine medicine Monday night to knock it out,
which meant Tuesday,
there was no getting up early. No.
No.
She slept like there, you know No. Like,
because my father like, tomorrow never came.
So then I do it today.
Mhmm.
One day closer
to Christmas and trying to get stuff to
people for Christmas and really Hanukkah because it
starts right on Christmas too. But, you know,
for the holidays, try to mail stuff out.
And so people are more on edge,
and they're more frantic of how am I
gonna get this to somebody in time. So
I walk into the post office at 7:58.
The area that's so big where people can
buy postage and send their packages, whatever. Mhmm.
The doors to that are still locked, but
there's a line that has formed that already
had 15 or 18 people in it when
I got in. Yeah.
30 minutes later,
the nice lady at the counter who was
the only person for the first 20, 25
minutes.
Bless her. I don't I I'd have just
been like, fuck all y'all.
I'm going
home. Yeah. And it ended up being that.
So, you know, not only did I brave
the post office a week before Christmas.
You know? Yeah.
Surround people.
Good girl.
Thank you, daddy.
Andre asked, was it health reasons that you
stopped vaping or just over it? Just over
it.
Just over it. I had actually,
stopped using nicotine.
I didn't even notice when that happened.
Quite quite a while ago, actually.
Yeah. I am such a loving doting
baby girl that I did not even notice
when he quit nicotine. Well, you know You
handled that really well, though. Because I I
that was something I
specifically planned for.
Gotcha. Okay? And
I I got to a certain point because
I mix my own
vape juice when I
and
I systematically,
over time, decreased. And that actually was not
the first time you had quit nicotine before.
No. Or you had done it a few
years before. Right. Mhmm. Yeah. I think then
life got stressful and you went, nope.
I need something.
I need something to get me through.
Caffeine and caffeine. No. No.
So,
you know, yeah. I with with the nicotine,
yeah, I I it was such a
slow, gradual
weaning that by the time I got there
Yeah. So
You know, and I
I commend you for all of it. You
know, I was never gonna pressure you. Mhmm.
You didn't smoke fucking cigarettes, and that was
what made me happy. And you'd even stopped
smoking regularly, like cigars and cigarillas and something
like that. And that made me happy. So
your vape thing, you could've done that until,
oh, the video froze. You could've done that
forever, and I'd have been like, it's fine.
Whatever, you know, whatever works.
But,
you cutting nicotine out, you handled so well.
My only experiences with people in my life
quitting nicotine
were
low key traumatic for both of us because
they went through it in their own sort
of way.
And then,
they made it everybody else's
problem is what they mostly did.
So
you, you know,
you dealt with it to the best of
your ability. Had you said something in him,
if I could have helped you, I would
have happily helped you. But you you did
not make your discomfort
a thing that I had to manage for
you. Correct. You know? I part of me
kind of wishes you would have, like, said,
hey. I'm doing this thing and, you know,
maybe you could use a little help, but
I I do appreciate
that you just were like, I'm I'm a
grown ass adult. I'm just gonna take care
of my shit. I I wish I could
say I had some some alter altruistic,
reasons for not saying anything. Mhmm.
I think
the the reason I did not say anything
Mhmm. Was because I had a fear that
I was going to fail.
Yep. Yep. I get that. I get that.
And then having said it, then it's that
bad feeling of, oh, no.
Right. Yeah. Yeah. No. I I respect that.
So that that that was something there, and
I was like, you know, if I
I I just need to do this, and
then
this is not something somebody can help me
with or do for me. I just need
to to do it. And yet, we would
have
the collective we, the royal we, whatever, we
would have wanted to help you if we
could have. Yeah.
So,
silence saying that the audio is out of
sync with the video because the video froze
podcast listeners be grateful. You just listened to
the audio. You don't have to worry about
this bullshit.
And I just wanna say
if the last stream few minutes of the
last stream of the year is not chaotic,
is it really us? Right. I don't think
so.
I'm not gonna lie. I love doing live
streams because I like the the back and
forth and the energy I get from the
folks who are who are in live chat.
And I also, you know, knowing, like, you
know, specifically on live that you know there
are people there even if they're lurking. I
respect the lurkers.
But with the headaches we get from technological
stuff and the fact that
we you nobody's making money from YouTube on
this channel. No.
Part of me is like, just fucking do
audio only. I just
but
and, yes, in the live chat, they're talking
about how the audio and the video are
perpetually out of sync. We know, but we
can't figure out why and how to fix
it. It. We don't know where the disconnect
is coming from. Say I'm pretty tempted to
just go back to audio only.
Yeah. Sometimes I'm like, can we go back
to simpler times? Let's go sit in a
closet and record on a laptop microphone,
or or let's just go back to one
microphone, and I'll hog it when I'm the
least of us who needs a microphone.
So I don't know.
I
don't know. And now somebody just chimed in.
Theirs has matched perfectly. So
who, you know,
who knows? Who knows? Who knows?
It's fine. It's fine. Who knows? Just just
for folks on the YouTube side, treat us
like a podcast. Put us out in the
background. Don't look at us. Mhmm.
So Mhmm. But Yeah.
That's mine. And, Lola's doing well. Lola is
snoring like she just worked a double.
Right? Yeah.
She is like Yeah.
Wow.
Her,
her eye is doing okay.
In some ways. In some ways. Yeah. I
mean, it's not
yeah. Mhmm.
I'm still putting drops in
several times a day
and,
you know, she's not happy about it. No.
No.
But,
you know, she she grudgingly allows me to
do it.
Because she loves you. Yeah. She wouldn't let
me come near her with little drop of
things in my hand. She was like, fuck
you, bitch.
So,
yeah. She's she's doing doing better.
And, hopefully, in the next couple weeks it's
a 30 day process because of blood work,
but, hopefully, in the next couple weeks, we
can get her scheduled for the eye surgery.
Right. Yes.
So So
Anyhoo.
Yay.
Yep.
So I don't know about you. I I
am looking forward to to our break
Mhmm. Very much so.
Hoping this
weekend,
we might be able to sneak out and
do some thrifting.
Yes.
For, Thursday of this week, day after recording,
we're taking half a day off to finish
up some of our Christmas stuff and to
run errands,
because the closer you get to the actual
day of I don't wanna go out if
we don't have to. Yeah. I know. But
we have to get an apple pie from
Sam's Club.
Mhmm. That is the mission. And,
like,
once I've once the Internet told me Google
told me you could freeze them, I was
like, look. We don't have to go
a day or 2 before Christmas. We can
do this earlier when it's chaotic but slightly
less
chaotic and frantic as it will be in
the 24 to 48 hours before Christmas. Right.
Right. Right. Right. Right. So Yep.
Yeah. It's
but, yeah, we I've I've been looking forward
to tomorrow afternoon though. Supposedly, I'm getting taken
on a lunch date. We'll see. Mhmm. And
then we have to make a list of
all the things we need to go do
so we don't forget
them. But The list is getting bigger. And
every day, we're like, oh, we should do
that too.
This morning, I went to her and was
like, oh, we need to eat go to
either Home Depot or Lowe's.
Okay.
And once I realized I could no longer
keep track of what all we're supposed to
do on this Thursday afternoon out, I was
like,
let's make a list. Because it's not just
where do we need to go, it's what
do we need to get from those places.
The only thing I'm sure of is at
Sam's Club. I wanna get we wanna get
an apple pie, and we wanna get their
massive ass cinnamon rolls. That's what we wanna
do. Mhmm. That's right. I forgot about the
cinnamon rolls.
Andre, I would normally never go to they
also come this close to Christmas.
If the oldest had not
requested an apple pie JB always wants an
apple pie. That is easy.
But the oldest requested it, and we have
not loved some of, like, the regular grocery
store ones that you get in the freezer
section or even in the bakery.
So we're like, let's let's go to Sam's
Club. Yep. Let's do it. Mhmm. And I
I know it's one of those things that
as a parent or just as a person
who is taking care of other people and
providing for other people, they'll never know the
sacrifices we made. Well, you know Like going
to Sam's. That's that's kinda like me. You
know, for many, many years, I I had
a thing. I will not step foot
in a Walmart
from
Thanksgiving week to Christmas
and, broke that We're too poor to not
to have that role. Yeah. Sometimes you gotta
go your ass to Walmart.
Yeah. We've we've we've had to do it
several times now. We've been strategic about it.
We have.
But I am so in my head about
a thing I wanna do and and can
do, which is nice,
in the boys' bathroom that I even said
the words while we're out on Thursday.
If we need to,
I will go to Walmart to get these
things for the boys' bathroom. Mhmm.
Audrey asked if we're doing gifts to each
other. No.
We're doing it through our children.
Because JB says to me
truly, like, I think it was moments after
the we're not exchanging gifts, are we? No.
However,
I need to make sure there's X amount
of cash
to do a thing. And I went,
well, I'm not a damn fool. I think
I know what that means. And so, but
then being me, out of sight, out of
mind, forgot about till he comes back and
goes, hey, you're the one in charge of
the account. Is this money there that I
need to go do this thing with? And
I'm like,
yeah. And then I went, wait.
You didn't lie to me and say that
we weren't exchanging gifts, but you're going to
get he goes, no. No. No. No. No.
And then he points at the youngest room,
it's from him. And I went,
so don't worry.
I worked with the boys.
JB will be getting something as well
from the boys.
I thought I was the one who found
that loophole.
Nope. Oh, thank you, Andre. Thank you, Andre.
Super chat.
No. We're kind of 1, we're we don't
spend any not one half a penny more
than we need to. But 2, we're kind
of at a point where when we want
something, if we want something and we can,
we just get it.
So if there's a year we're flush with
cash, yeah, we'll spoil one another in a
heartbeat, but this year's been mostly just about
the boys. Right. Yeah. We, you know,
talk yeah. We're just mostly gonna do stuff
for the boys this year. And even that
we kept kinda low key. Yeah. Typically,
we try to buy
the kids don't ask so they don't ask
for a large quantity of things. They're at
that age where they really only want 1
or 2 things, but they are always, like,
expensive fucking things. Mhmm.
And last year, we were able to accommodate.
Yeah. I still don't know how because this
year we're doing better than we were last
year. So I don't know what's going on.
I think I think this year we're we
are more
realistic about our We are. We we are.
This yeah. We learned some shit in 2024.
Yeah. Yeah.
We did. Yeah. We had to be humbled.
Yep.
So they're getting things that they have asked
for, but we're not we're not going overboard.
The
family, like, the sisters, my my mom and
my aunt, we've all already talked. Mhmm. Aunt,
uncle,
me, and JB, we're like
I said, you don't have to buy us
anything. They we're all broke. They they know.
I'm like, you don't have to get us
shit. You focus. If you wanna get get
it for the boys. I said, we are
giving you something,
but we did not spend money on what
we're giving you. Just time. Time. You know
Which is valuable. Every everything for both
for the for the family is going to
be homemade gifts.
Yeah. And they're your guinea pigs for products
that may come to your Right. Vanilla Etsy
shop next year. So that's exciting. So I'm
yeah. I've I've
put together a couple things. I've I've,
made butter boards Mhmm. For everybody,
which has actually been quite fun. I've enjoyed
making those. Mhmm.
And,
made Christmas ornaments. Yep.
And they're coming out beautiful, and yet the
things you're testing after the fact are even
more beautiful. So I'm very excited for next
year. Yeah. Yeah. I I in fact, I've
I have enjoyed making the
the, ornaments
so much that I'm I'm making plans to
have some for the shop. I
know. And and we have no concrete plans
at this moment, but we are talking about
can we make kinky Christmas ornaments?
And no concrete plans at this moment. We
may have a way to make them easier
and faster
to make so we can actually do it
instead of just dreaming about it. It's very
exciting. It's very exciting. Mhmm. So, yeah, we're
everything is really low key this year. We're
actually doing,
from,
an American
white people perspective, a very nontraditional
Christmas. Yeah. We did we did turkey and
all that stuff for Thanksgiving, and that's fine.
Typically, what we then do is ham
for Christmas, but I don't like ham. I
like bacon. I like pork chops. Like,
I like all the other pork products. I
don't like ham. So I was like, I
don't want
to have to smell ham or watch everybody
eat ham while I just eat sides. Can
we do something different? And the agreement was,
we're gonna I'm gonna make a lasagna,
but the youngest doesn't eat lasagna. So I'm
gonna make, spaghetti and meatballs that will probably
sort of like when you go to Olive
Garden, you're like, here's your main entree of
pasta and here's your side dish of pasta.
Yeah.
And garlic bread. And I might even make
a salad
because I,
I told myself, I got all, like, excited
about this plan to meal prep salads.
Mhmm.
Bought all the things. Even went to the
the Goodwill and bought,
a a,
what the fuck? Salad spinner. Thank you. I
can't think $5. I was very excited. Haven't
made a fucking salad yet. So
whatever. And Ra Ra says, join my people's
Christmas dinner tradition, Chinese food. I sure as
shit thought about it. Mhmm.
I sure as shit thought about it. Well,
you know, doing doing the,
excuse me folks.
Doing the Italian, you know, the the pasta
for for Christmas, then it's like it's gonna
for me, it's gonna be like
being at my grandmother's. I know. And I
did think that you would not if I
did it right, you would not mind so
much. Mhmm. And those are also leftovers that
everybody will eat. Yeah.
The, the poor Thanksgiving leftovers. Man, I was
eating mashed potatoes for several days. I I
love Thanksgiving leftovers.
I make extra of certain things because I
want the leftovers. Leftovers. Yeah. But
I also hate when it gets to that
point where you just have to toss what
did not get eaten.
Oh, Ben, that's a good idea. Ben says,
I use my salad spinner to wash mushrooms.
I'm gonna remember that. I probably won't, but
hopefully, it'll come back to me when we
pull that mushrooms.
Yeah. I've wanted a salad spinner,
never fucking
used one, but
so
oh, Lola stopped snoring. Yep. She's on the
stove. Move.
She looks a little grouchy. Yeah. She does.
Lola.
Hot man.
I? I'm surprised she's not out laying in
the stones today. It's perfect day for that
for her.
Yeah.
So Yeah. That's, that's kinda been us. Yep.
That is awesome. By the time we talk
to y'all again, the holidays will be passed,
New Year's will be passed. So It'll be
a new year. It'll be a new fucking
year. How does time keep moving like this?
Man. I'm not even gonna try to guess
what 2025 brings
because pretty sure parts of it are gonna
be a dumpster fire.
A cluster fuck, if you will.
Not in my house, but Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
In other places.
So
yeah.
We hope however whatever holidays you celebrate, that
they are a good one, that they go
the way you would like them to. And
you don't have to deal with too many
uncomfortable conversations
over family meals. There you go.
If you celebrate the new year, I stay
home in fuzzy socks and on the couch.
But if you celebrate, please be safe. Mhmm.
Call an Uber, have a designated driver, do
something. Do something. Whatever.
We would like all of you to be
back Right. In 2025 with us. Yep. We
intend to be back. We want you to
be back too. Exactly.
But thanks for listening, watching, especially to the
bitter end.
Y'all are
y'all are the real ones to be here
while we're just rambling.
And,
yeah, have a good holiday. Yeah. We'll be
back in a couple of weeks. Happy holidays,
everyone. Yep. Okay. Bye. Bye.