1 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:13,759 You're listening to Loving BDSM Podcast. Kayla Lords 2 00:00:13,759 --> 00:00:15,525 here with the one, the only, the, I 3 00:00:15,525 --> 00:00:18,404 hope you, don't just like squeezing that stress 4 00:00:18,404 --> 00:00:18,904 ball. 5 00:00:19,204 --> 00:00:21,045 John Brownstone. I'm sure I can find other 6 00:00:21,045 --> 00:00:22,885 things to squeeze. I got some stress balls 7 00:00:22,885 --> 00:00:25,144 right here. I'm just saying. Happy to oblige. 8 00:00:27,204 --> 00:00:29,219 It's not about what we're talking about this 9 00:00:29,219 --> 00:00:29,719 week. 10 00:00:30,260 --> 00:00:32,100 This week, we're answering a question from a 11 00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:35,219 submissive who needs a type of dominance that 12 00:00:35,219 --> 00:00:38,260 their partner doesn't find easy to do. Welcome 13 00:00:38,260 --> 00:00:40,100 to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new 14 00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:41,539 here, we help kinksters like you have happy, 15 00:00:41,539 --> 00:00:42,840 healthy power exchange relationships. 16 00:00:43,145 --> 00:00:44,744 Add the podcast your favorite podcast up so 17 00:00:44,744 --> 00:00:46,344 you never miss an episode. And if you'd 18 00:00:46,344 --> 00:00:47,945 like us to answer one of your questions 19 00:00:47,945 --> 00:00:49,244 in a future one of these, 20 00:00:49,625 --> 00:00:50,265 you can, 21 00:00:50,664 --> 00:00:53,064 ask it through our contact page literally called 22 00:00:53,064 --> 00:00:54,984 ask your questions. That's on our website at 23 00:00:54,984 --> 00:00:55,484 lovingbdsm.net. 24 00:00:56,585 --> 00:00:57,324 That's lovingbdsm 25 00:00:57,929 --> 00:00:59,770 dotnet, or it's in the show notes for 26 00:00:59,770 --> 00:01:02,189 this episode. Okay. Let's get into the question. 27 00:01:02,250 --> 00:01:02,750 K. 28 00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:04,489 My Dom and I have been together for 29 00:01:04,489 --> 00:01:05,609 two and a half years, and we are 30 00:01:05,609 --> 00:01:08,010 regular listeners of your podcast. Yay. Thank you. 31 00:01:08,010 --> 00:01:09,689 We moved in together about a year ago 32 00:01:09,689 --> 00:01:11,609 and are really struggling to find harmony in 33 00:01:11,609 --> 00:01:14,144 our dynamic and with play. I identify as 34 00:01:14,144 --> 00:01:15,984 a slave and I really enjoy things like 35 00:01:15,984 --> 00:01:19,185 high protocol rituals and enforced rules. He is 36 00:01:19,185 --> 00:01:20,704 a daddy dom and likes things to be 37 00:01:20,704 --> 00:01:22,644 fun, playful, and generally easygoing. 38 00:01:23,185 --> 00:01:25,024 Many of our kinks align very well. We 39 00:01:25,024 --> 00:01:27,024 both love impact, rope, d d l g, 40 00:01:27,024 --> 00:01:29,260 and we both like incorporating things like free 41 00:01:29,260 --> 00:01:30,480 use into our dynamic. 42 00:01:31,020 --> 00:01:33,420 The problem is that when we seen, I 43 00:01:33,420 --> 00:01:35,900 enjoy things like a before seen ritual and 44 00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:39,180 strict requirements slash expectations in the scene, and 45 00:01:39,180 --> 00:01:41,185 he wants things to be very natural, fun, 46 00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:43,060 and easy going. It is very much the 47 00:01:43,060 --> 00:01:43,762 same way with our dynamic. Also, he prefers 48 00:01:43,762 --> 00:01:43,905 a more gentle hands off approach and I 49 00:01:43,905 --> 00:01:46,064 need a lot of structure. We've been working 50 00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:48,385 at this for the whole time we've been 51 00:01:48,385 --> 00:01:49,045 together because 52 00:01:49,424 --> 00:01:50,704 I am very much okay with doing things 53 00:01:50,704 --> 00:01:52,405 his way, as long as I have 54 00:01:55,750 --> 00:01:57,689 some of the heavier stuff worked in. 55 00:01:57,989 --> 00:01:59,909 He does try very hard to accommodate me 56 00:01:59,909 --> 00:02:01,909 and will often have good ideas, but it's 57 00:02:01,909 --> 00:02:04,170 very hard for him to maintain long term. 58 00:02:04,629 --> 00:02:06,229 For him, trying to play with a more 59 00:02:06,229 --> 00:02:08,629 intense protocol often makes him not wanna play 60 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,550 at all because it just doesn't feel natural 61 00:02:10,550 --> 00:02:13,145 to him. I've tried to want less and 62 00:02:13,145 --> 00:02:14,824 be okay with what he gives, but that 63 00:02:14,824 --> 00:02:17,224 always leads to me feeling unfulfilled. And when 64 00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:19,064 I ask for more, he feels like he's 65 00:02:19,064 --> 00:02:20,284 not a good enough dom. 66 00:02:20,585 --> 00:02:22,185 We love each other very much and do 67 00:02:22,185 --> 00:02:24,229 not want to separate. He really is my 68 00:02:24,229 --> 00:02:24,729 person. 69 00:02:25,030 --> 00:02:26,389 Do you have any advice on how we 70 00:02:26,389 --> 00:02:27,990 can continue to work at this and find 71 00:02:27,990 --> 00:02:30,229 something that fits for both of us? For 72 00:02:30,229 --> 00:02:32,469 reference, we also live with my 2 children, 73 00:02:32,469 --> 00:02:34,469 age 14 and 7, but they go to 74 00:02:34,469 --> 00:02:36,344 stay with their dad 3 nights out of 75 00:02:36,344 --> 00:02:37,004 the week. So 76 00:02:38,664 --> 00:02:39,805 what do you think? 77 00:02:40,905 --> 00:02:42,604 Wow. There's a lot going on there. 78 00:02:43,625 --> 00:02:44,444 A lot happening. 79 00:02:44,824 --> 00:02:46,504 You know, I don't I'm not sure. Well, 80 00:02:46,504 --> 00:02:48,264 you when you first started reading it, you 81 00:02:48,264 --> 00:02:49,485 know, I was thinking, well, 82 00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:51,840 you know, they need to find a little 83 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:53,459 bit of compromise. Mhmm. 84 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:54,340 Okay. 85 00:02:54,639 --> 00:02:56,479 You know, meet meet a little bit more 86 00:02:56,479 --> 00:02:57,699 in the middle. Mhmm. 87 00:02:58,159 --> 00:03:00,019 But when they said, you know, 88 00:03:00,879 --> 00:03:02,719 when we when we do try to do 89 00:03:02,719 --> 00:03:04,835 that, he doesn't enjoy it because it doesn't 90 00:03:04,835 --> 00:03:07,074 feel natural. Right. You know, I I don't 91 00:03:07,074 --> 00:03:07,574 know. 92 00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:08,775 I don't know. 93 00:03:09,235 --> 00:03:10,694 I, you know, I'm I 94 00:03:11,875 --> 00:03:13,395 mean, as, you know, as as a slave 95 00:03:13,395 --> 00:03:14,835 in different things and one of the things 96 00:03:14,835 --> 00:03:16,650 they mentioned, you know, going into the, 97 00:03:17,129 --> 00:03:19,789 you know, maybe talk more about the expectations. 98 00:03:20,489 --> 00:03:20,989 Mhmm. 99 00:03:21,449 --> 00:03:22,110 You know, 100 00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:24,269 do the fun natural 101 00:03:24,650 --> 00:03:25,150 stuff, 102 00:03:25,530 --> 00:03:28,009 but try to weave in maybe a little 103 00:03:28,009 --> 00:03:30,034 bit of the other, you know, just don't 104 00:03:30,034 --> 00:03:32,275 say, okay, we're gonna do a whole scene 105 00:03:32,275 --> 00:03:35,075 that is high protocol. Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay? You 106 00:03:35,075 --> 00:03:36,534 know, rather than do that, 107 00:03:37,395 --> 00:03:39,715 blend it. Absolutely. I get it. Blend it. 108 00:03:39,715 --> 00:03:41,875 You know, I we've we've done things like 109 00:03:41,875 --> 00:03:43,335 that. We've gone from, 110 00:03:44,049 --> 00:03:45,110 you know, strict 111 00:03:46,370 --> 00:03:46,870 disciplinarian 112 00:03:48,049 --> 00:03:48,549 to 113 00:03:48,930 --> 00:03:51,669 laughing our asses off a few minutes later. 114 00:03:51,969 --> 00:03:53,909 So, you know, it can be done. 115 00:03:54,209 --> 00:03:54,709 Mhmm. 116 00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:56,849 I agree with you completely. The the thought 117 00:03:56,849 --> 00:03:58,955 that comes to my mind on the play 118 00:03:58,955 --> 00:03:59,455 side 119 00:03:59,995 --> 00:04:00,495 is 120 00:04:00,955 --> 00:04:02,715 I can only kinda give us as an 121 00:04:02,715 --> 00:04:05,514 example. And there's you've gotta each together, you 122 00:04:05,514 --> 00:04:07,275 have to work together on this to find 123 00:04:07,275 --> 00:04:09,055 what that happy middle ground 124 00:04:09,354 --> 00:04:10,174 feels like. 125 00:04:10,555 --> 00:04:12,930 But JB is the type of sadist 126 00:04:13,230 --> 00:04:14,129 that I 127 00:04:15,150 --> 00:04:17,389 my masochist is is a little too wimpy 128 00:04:17,389 --> 00:04:18,029 for. Like, I 129 00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:21,149 he could go hard, and I'm over here 130 00:04:21,149 --> 00:04:22,589 going, no. No. No. No. I like I 131 00:04:22,589 --> 00:04:24,910 like this short list of very specific kinds 132 00:04:24,910 --> 00:04:25,490 of pain. 133 00:04:26,189 --> 00:04:26,689 So 134 00:04:27,204 --> 00:04:30,024 we can't in that I can't give him 135 00:04:30,164 --> 00:04:32,745 what he wants at that level, 136 00:04:33,604 --> 00:04:36,004 you know, at the rate he would like 137 00:04:36,004 --> 00:04:36,824 it. Right? 138 00:04:37,285 --> 00:04:39,569 But what we have found are over time 139 00:04:39,730 --> 00:04:41,169 it was not something we that just came 140 00:04:41,169 --> 00:04:43,730 to us. Over time, we found ways that 141 00:04:43,730 --> 00:04:46,230 he could kinda scratch that itch, 142 00:04:47,889 --> 00:04:50,629 to go hard for a minute to use 143 00:04:50,850 --> 00:04:54,245 a toy that I would never choose otherwise. 144 00:04:55,264 --> 00:04:57,925 And I was able to sort of find 145 00:04:58,225 --> 00:05:00,545 ways to be okay with it. Not in 146 00:05:00,545 --> 00:05:02,944 a a pressured or coerced way, but more 147 00:05:02,944 --> 00:05:03,525 of a, 148 00:05:04,145 --> 00:05:05,824 this is not a thing I would choose 149 00:05:05,824 --> 00:05:07,000 for myself, enjoying 150 00:05:07,620 --> 00:05:08,980 about it is that he is happy. And 151 00:05:08,980 --> 00:05:10,060 we cannot, in everything we do, only think 152 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:11,639 about our partner's happiness all the time. That's 153 00:05:12,259 --> 00:05:16,020 that's too uneven. That's not okay. Right. But 154 00:05:16,020 --> 00:05:18,360 every once in a while, both 155 00:05:22,394 --> 00:05:24,254 sides of the slash here can go, 156 00:05:24,714 --> 00:05:26,875 this is what my partner likes. I would 157 00:05:26,875 --> 00:05:28,794 never choose this for myself, but I find 158 00:05:28,794 --> 00:05:29,774 things in it 159 00:05:30,154 --> 00:05:32,394 that make it okay for me to be 160 00:05:32,394 --> 00:05:34,074 able to do it. From the submissive perspective, 161 00:05:34,074 --> 00:05:36,509 for me, that ends up being I'm I'm 162 00:05:36,509 --> 00:05:38,050 being of service. That's 163 00:05:38,430 --> 00:05:40,189 sort of how I wrap my mind around 164 00:05:40,189 --> 00:05:43,389 it. Or I'm playing from with myself of 165 00:05:43,389 --> 00:05:45,569 the idea of how much can I endure? 166 00:05:45,870 --> 00:05:48,689 Like, I'm not taking I'm not taking pleasure 167 00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:51,334 from the pain, but I am getting a 168 00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:54,794 sense of accomplishment from the endurance. Right? Now 169 00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:56,454 that's easy to say kind of on the 170 00:05:56,454 --> 00:05:58,875 submissive side. On the the dominant side, 171 00:05:59,334 --> 00:06:01,754 your partner has to kind of be willing 172 00:06:01,975 --> 00:06:02,634 to go, 173 00:06:02,970 --> 00:06:04,730 okay. I can't do this for you all 174 00:06:04,730 --> 00:06:06,889 the time, but I can do these things 175 00:06:06,889 --> 00:06:09,449 for you, and I can find something in 176 00:06:09,449 --> 00:06:10,509 them that make it 177 00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:12,889 bearable for me, that make it so that 178 00:06:12,889 --> 00:06:15,290 I I don't feel bad about myself that 179 00:06:15,290 --> 00:06:15,855 I'm doing it. 180 00:06:16,735 --> 00:06:19,214 Within the dynamic, I actually think you have 181 00:06:19,214 --> 00:06:21,074 a little bit more leeway than 182 00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,314 you realize, and it's because 183 00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:25,714 there are ways to 184 00:06:26,574 --> 00:06:29,615 plan and sort of bake into your existing 185 00:06:29,615 --> 00:06:31,800 relationship some of the things you need 186 00:06:32,339 --> 00:06:33,860 so he can still have some of the 187 00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:36,180 natural fun playful stuff. What I mean by 188 00:06:36,180 --> 00:06:37,879 that is if you need 189 00:06:38,420 --> 00:06:40,279 certain rituals, if you need 190 00:06:41,699 --> 00:06:44,279 some type of rules that you wanna follow, 191 00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:47,175 and you need somebody to kind of follow-up 192 00:06:47,314 --> 00:06:48,295 on them. Right? 193 00:06:50,194 --> 00:06:53,475 Pre negotiate that. Plan that and and set 194 00:06:53,475 --> 00:06:54,454 it as 195 00:06:55,314 --> 00:06:57,394 a thing that you've agreed to do is 196 00:06:57,394 --> 00:07:00,160 understood you're going to do. And if there's 197 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:01,920 a reason you can't do it, there's a 198 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,160 mechanism to talk about it that that needs 199 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:05,939 to be true for any type of relationship. 200 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:08,480 And if you don't do it, if y'all 201 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:09,540 play with consequences 202 00:07:09,919 --> 00:07:11,839 and, you know, deal with punishment and stuff 203 00:07:11,839 --> 00:07:13,555 like that, There's a a way to do 204 00:07:13,555 --> 00:07:14,214 that. So 205 00:07:14,675 --> 00:07:16,134 if you want 206 00:07:16,995 --> 00:07:20,035 to operate as a submissive under specific kinds 207 00:07:20,035 --> 00:07:21,334 of rules, but your 208 00:07:21,954 --> 00:07:24,115 dominant partner does not wanna have to be 209 00:07:24,115 --> 00:07:26,514 overseeing that all the time because that doesn't 210 00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:28,134 feel natural or good to him, 211 00:07:28,750 --> 00:07:30,750 Plan them out. Take the time to sit 212 00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:32,509 down and negotiate, and you're gonna have to 213 00:07:32,509 --> 00:07:33,170 get really, 214 00:07:34,029 --> 00:07:35,709 honest with yourself about what you want. You're 215 00:07:35,709 --> 00:07:37,149 gonna have to get really honest with him. 216 00:07:37,149 --> 00:07:39,230 This will not be a thing where you 217 00:07:39,230 --> 00:07:41,427 have you can depend on your partner, dominant, 218 00:07:41,427 --> 00:07:43,210 to just come up with the ideas. Right? 219 00:07:43,210 --> 00:07:44,324 You're gonna have to present them and go, 220 00:07:44,324 --> 00:07:45,644 here's some of the things that, you know, 221 00:07:45,644 --> 00:07:47,284 I've seen others do, I've read about, I've 222 00:07:47,284 --> 00:07:48,685 heard about, that I would like to experience 223 00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:50,104 as a submissive as you're submissive. 224 00:07:56,699 --> 00:07:59,199 Can we set the rules now? 225 00:08:00,459 --> 00:08:03,019 And I'll just do these things. You don't 226 00:08:03,019 --> 00:08:05,599 have to oversee it day to day. But 227 00:08:06,139 --> 00:08:07,740 and in this case for y'all, I would 228 00:08:07,740 --> 00:08:09,339 set it maybe as a weekly thing, maybe 229 00:08:09,339 --> 00:08:11,039 not a daily thing that might be overwhelming. 230 00:08:12,104 --> 00:08:12,604 Weekly, 231 00:08:13,064 --> 00:08:15,084 we will talk about, did I do it? 232 00:08:15,785 --> 00:08:17,544 Did I do it well? Are there things, 233 00:08:17,544 --> 00:08:18,125 you know 234 00:08:18,504 --> 00:08:20,425 the the thing I have found this is 235 00:08:20,425 --> 00:08:22,444 not universal, but the thing I have found 236 00:08:22,584 --> 00:08:25,064 about this is in general, but definitely those 237 00:08:25,064 --> 00:08:26,524 who identify as slaves, 238 00:08:27,144 --> 00:08:29,050 is they tend to be 239 00:08:29,589 --> 00:08:30,089 very 240 00:08:30,470 --> 00:08:34,230 brutally honest about did they meet expectations according 241 00:08:34,230 --> 00:08:35,210 to their own, 242 00:08:35,830 --> 00:08:37,509 like, sort of set, you know, way of 243 00:08:37,509 --> 00:08:40,149 looking at it. And, you know, not all 244 00:08:40,149 --> 00:08:41,610 slaves are like this, but 245 00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:44,274 many that I've come across and met want 246 00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:47,254 the correction, so they tend to be 247 00:08:47,634 --> 00:08:48,774 willing to go, 248 00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:51,095 I I didn't do the thing. 249 00:08:51,475 --> 00:08:52,915 I didn't do it as well as I 250 00:08:52,915 --> 00:08:55,495 could. Mhmm. If that's your vibe, 251 00:08:56,389 --> 00:08:58,710 if you set a time, like I said, 252 00:08:58,710 --> 00:09:00,490 weekly, if daily is too much, 253 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:03,990 to go over your protocols, your rituals, the 254 00:09:03,990 --> 00:09:06,410 things you're supposed to do with your partner, 255 00:09:07,029 --> 00:09:07,529 and, 256 00:09:08,230 --> 00:09:10,554 oh, I didn't do this and and be 257 00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:11,914 and have to admit it. That can be 258 00:09:11,914 --> 00:09:13,674 an act of submission to have to, like, 259 00:09:13,674 --> 00:09:15,294 admit that you fucked up. 260 00:09:15,914 --> 00:09:17,754 It's pain. I hate it. I hate it. 261 00:09:17,754 --> 00:09:19,534 I'll do anything to avoid it. 262 00:09:21,034 --> 00:09:23,690 And, you know, it it can create feelings, 263 00:09:23,750 --> 00:09:26,549 and and y'all have, again, prenegotiated before you 264 00:09:26,549 --> 00:09:27,850 ever start any of this 265 00:09:28,149 --> 00:09:29,289 what his response 266 00:09:29,669 --> 00:09:32,549 could possibly be. Right? He he's a dominant. 267 00:09:32,549 --> 00:09:33,529 Let him have choices 268 00:09:35,174 --> 00:09:36,855 about what he does, but you know what 269 00:09:36,855 --> 00:09:38,294 to expect, and y'all gonna sit down and 270 00:09:38,294 --> 00:09:39,414 talk about it. And it's gonna be kind 271 00:09:39,414 --> 00:09:42,075 of formal, which from a high protocol standpoint 272 00:09:42,455 --> 00:09:44,294 is sometimes like what you're trying to do 273 00:09:44,294 --> 00:09:44,794 anyway. 274 00:09:45,174 --> 00:09:48,054 But it's preplanned, and it's it's not a 275 00:09:48,054 --> 00:09:49,950 thing that the one thing he would have 276 00:09:49,950 --> 00:09:51,070 to be willing to give up is it's 277 00:09:51,070 --> 00:09:52,929 not all natural with the flow, 278 00:09:53,870 --> 00:09:54,370 unless 279 00:09:54,909 --> 00:09:58,209 and until he becomes comfortable with this and 280 00:09:58,429 --> 00:10:00,190 more ideas are coming to mind. And he's 281 00:10:00,190 --> 00:10:01,709 like, yeah. I vibe with this and we 282 00:10:01,709 --> 00:10:02,445 can do this. 283 00:10:03,404 --> 00:10:04,845 But the thing he would not have to 284 00:10:04,845 --> 00:10:06,865 do is be on top of your 285 00:10:07,325 --> 00:10:07,825 rules 286 00:10:08,365 --> 00:10:10,125 and all the things you're supposed to do. 287 00:10:10,125 --> 00:10:12,924 Those would already have been decided upon. And 288 00:10:12,924 --> 00:10:14,845 in your weekly checkup, you can go, hey. 289 00:10:14,845 --> 00:10:16,605 I thought this was gonna work for me, 290 00:10:16,605 --> 00:10:18,789 whatever this rule is or this protocol is. 291 00:10:18,789 --> 00:10:20,250 This is not. Can we readjust? 292 00:10:21,190 --> 00:10:23,590 And that's and you and you only have 293 00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:25,590 to keep up that level of commitment to 294 00:10:25,590 --> 00:10:28,470 that kind of planned conversation until you don't 295 00:10:28,470 --> 00:10:30,415 need it anymore. If it becomes part of 296 00:10:30,415 --> 00:10:32,014 a routine or it starts to feel more 297 00:10:32,014 --> 00:10:33,934 natural to both of you, then you can 298 00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:35,934 do ongoing check ins. You can do more 299 00:10:35,934 --> 00:10:37,774 relaxed check ins. You can Yeah. Wait a 300 00:10:37,774 --> 00:10:40,434 little bit longer between check ins. But, 301 00:10:41,134 --> 00:10:43,394 you know, in order for 302 00:10:44,220 --> 00:10:44,959 the most 303 00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:46,799 mutual satisfaction, 304 00:10:47,899 --> 00:10:50,079 you both have to give a little bit. 305 00:10:50,299 --> 00:10:51,679 And, you know, 306 00:10:52,139 --> 00:10:52,220 I 307 00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:55,600 not hearing from your dom, I don't know 308 00:10:56,139 --> 00:10:57,279 what it is about 309 00:10:58,235 --> 00:11:00,154 hearing from you that you want you you 310 00:11:00,154 --> 00:11:01,995 need more that makes him think he's not 311 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,915 a good enough dom. It is if there's 312 00:11:03,995 --> 00:11:05,935 because that's not true. There's just a mismatch 313 00:11:06,154 --> 00:11:09,915 of styles here. Right? And so the happy 314 00:11:09,915 --> 00:11:11,610 medium to Vine, it's not gonna be a 315 00:11:11,610 --> 00:11:13,710 perfect 5050 compromise. It's 316 00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:15,790 how can he give you 317 00:11:16,170 --> 00:11:16,670 sometimes 318 00:11:18,090 --> 00:11:19,690 enough of what you need for you to 319 00:11:19,690 --> 00:11:21,309 keep going till the next time? 320 00:11:22,889 --> 00:11:24,110 I, as a submissive, 321 00:11:24,805 --> 00:11:25,945 do not get, 322 00:11:26,404 --> 00:11:28,725 a majority of the time, the exact kind 323 00:11:28,725 --> 00:11:31,445 of sensation I love the most. Right. Because 324 00:11:31,445 --> 00:11:33,125 JB is in charge, and he gets to 325 00:11:33,125 --> 00:11:36,325 decide that. But the reason I can be 326 00:11:36,325 --> 00:11:37,865 okay with what 327 00:11:38,290 --> 00:11:40,370 I would not choose for myself and don't 328 00:11:40,370 --> 00:11:40,870 prefer 329 00:11:41,490 --> 00:11:43,410 most of the time is because he very 330 00:11:43,410 --> 00:11:43,910 judiciously 331 00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:47,110 slides in those moments where I get exactly 332 00:11:47,170 --> 00:11:49,170 what I want, even if it's not what 333 00:11:49,170 --> 00:11:51,190 he would choose first and foremost. 334 00:11:51,570 --> 00:11:53,684 That's the balance you have to strike. Right? 335 00:11:53,824 --> 00:11:56,164 And I think I think in play, 336 00:11:57,264 --> 00:11:59,745 JB's right. Find a thing incorporated. Don't have 337 00:11:59,745 --> 00:12:00,804 a full on, 338 00:12:01,264 --> 00:12:04,225 like, deep, deep, like, high protocol scene. Do 339 00:12:04,225 --> 00:12:06,429 a couple of little things in the middle 340 00:12:06,429 --> 00:12:09,709 of your regular play. I think, truly, the 341 00:12:09,709 --> 00:12:10,769 before scene 342 00:12:11,389 --> 00:12:11,889 ritual 343 00:12:12,669 --> 00:12:14,830 might be more doable than you think. I 344 00:12:14,830 --> 00:12:17,070 understand scenes may be kind of cropping up 345 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:17,570 naturally, 346 00:12:17,950 --> 00:12:19,264 so you're gonna have to get creative with 347 00:12:19,264 --> 00:12:21,345 how you think about this. But if you 348 00:12:21,345 --> 00:12:23,445 can sense or if there can be a 349 00:12:23,664 --> 00:12:26,304 a word that's said or a a signal 350 00:12:26,304 --> 00:12:28,065 of some sort that he's like, if we're 351 00:12:28,065 --> 00:12:29,664 about to scene, and he gives you that 352 00:12:29,664 --> 00:12:32,189 signal, and you think of what do I 353 00:12:32,189 --> 00:12:34,189 do immediately that's part of my before scene 354 00:12:34,189 --> 00:12:34,689 ritual. 355 00:12:35,069 --> 00:12:37,789 It might not be what you've envisioned from 356 00:12:37,789 --> 00:12:39,389 what other people do, what you've seen in 357 00:12:39,389 --> 00:12:41,470 porn, what you've read about, whatever. It might 358 00:12:41,470 --> 00:12:44,829 not be some, like, specific physical position or 359 00:12:44,829 --> 00:12:46,929 kneeling or any it might be 360 00:12:47,605 --> 00:12:48,904 a way that you 361 00:12:49,684 --> 00:12:52,485 change your gaze. Right? Instead of maybe making 362 00:12:52,485 --> 00:12:54,804 eye contact, you remove eye contact, you look 363 00:12:54,804 --> 00:12:57,125 down. It might be a change of your 364 00:12:57,125 --> 00:13:00,345 tone of voice. It might be, you know, 365 00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:02,919 he's he's decided there's a scene, and maybe 366 00:13:02,919 --> 00:13:04,759 there's a toy you use, and your job 367 00:13:04,759 --> 00:13:06,220 is to go get that toy. 368 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,220 The before scene ritual 369 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:09,980 can be anything. 370 00:13:10,519 --> 00:13:11,019 Yeah. 371 00:13:11,559 --> 00:13:12,615 It just has to fit 372 00:13:13,174 --> 00:13:15,334 with what y'all are doing. And if he's 373 00:13:15,334 --> 00:13:17,654 more of a casual, let's let's start this, 374 00:13:17,654 --> 00:13:19,514 like, whenever and it's gonna be playful, 375 00:13:20,134 --> 00:13:21,975 you will have to work with that a 376 00:13:21,975 --> 00:13:23,995 little bit to figure out what 377 00:13:24,615 --> 00:13:26,934 you can do to get your before seen 378 00:13:26,934 --> 00:13:27,434 ritual 379 00:13:27,815 --> 00:13:28,315 that 380 00:13:28,759 --> 00:13:31,240 he's okay with too and doesn't impede the 381 00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:33,419 scene. Right? That helps the scene along 382 00:13:33,799 --> 00:13:36,220 or that is meaningful to you 383 00:13:36,919 --> 00:13:38,700 even if he does not necessarily 384 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,080 clock it in the same way that you 385 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,884 do. He you know, if he's willing to 386 00:13:42,884 --> 00:13:44,745 agree to it, he can agree to acknowledge 387 00:13:44,965 --> 00:13:47,205 that you averted your gaze, and that was 388 00:13:47,205 --> 00:13:49,065 your ritual, or you 389 00:13:49,445 --> 00:13:51,865 immediately got naked. That was your ritual. 390 00:13:52,404 --> 00:13:55,100 But, again, you set it up ahead of 391 00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:55,600 time. 392 00:13:56,139 --> 00:13:58,639 You plan it out in negotiations, 393 00:13:59,580 --> 00:14:01,980 and then you implement it. And you've already 394 00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:04,139 together agreed upon it, and you've already got 395 00:14:04,139 --> 00:14:05,500 a set time when you're gonna check-in with 396 00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:07,019 one another and just go, does this work? 397 00:14:07,019 --> 00:14:08,080 Does this not work? 398 00:14:08,884 --> 00:14:09,865 The other thing I would 399 00:14:10,325 --> 00:14:12,164 say, and I feel like I feel like 400 00:14:12,164 --> 00:14:13,764 I'm being a little I don't think mean 401 00:14:13,764 --> 00:14:14,964 is the word, but I'm being a little 402 00:14:17,125 --> 00:14:18,504 I think we would all 403 00:14:19,044 --> 00:14:21,764 love if everything we did in life was 404 00:14:21,764 --> 00:14:25,370 the stuff that came natural, felt natural, never 405 00:14:25,370 --> 00:14:26,269 felt awkward, 406 00:14:27,209 --> 00:14:28,889 never felt like we had to work for 407 00:14:28,889 --> 00:14:30,409 it too much, and never was out of 408 00:14:30,409 --> 00:14:31,470 our comfort zone. 409 00:14:32,409 --> 00:14:34,409 That's not life, and that's not even how 410 00:14:34,409 --> 00:14:36,455 kink works. Yeah. So 411 00:14:36,835 --> 00:14:38,934 I know you're the one asking the question, 412 00:14:39,475 --> 00:14:40,455 but my advice, 413 00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:43,075 if if you're dumb, was willing to listen, 414 00:14:43,075 --> 00:14:44,914 would be, I would like you to get 415 00:14:44,914 --> 00:14:46,294 comfortable with being uncomfortable. 416 00:14:47,009 --> 00:14:49,410 Yes. And yes. And that's something, you know, 417 00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:51,490 and that's why I say you said earlier 418 00:14:51,490 --> 00:14:52,629 to, you know, 419 00:14:53,009 --> 00:14:55,110 mix it in in small ways. Mhmm. 420 00:14:55,490 --> 00:14:56,790 And, you know, 421 00:14:57,250 --> 00:14:58,230 by doing that, 422 00:14:59,024 --> 00:14:59,764 over time, 423 00:15:00,304 --> 00:15:02,704 it may become more natural. Absolutely. Because the 424 00:15:02,704 --> 00:15:04,865 awkwardness part is gone. Right. It might again, 425 00:15:04,865 --> 00:15:06,865 it might not be a thing he would 426 00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:09,664 naturally gravitate towards. Mhmm. But he knows it's 427 00:15:09,664 --> 00:15:11,365 important to you, so 428 00:15:11,929 --> 00:15:13,529 he'll bring it up. He'll do it or 429 00:15:13,529 --> 00:15:15,370 try to do it or implement certain bits 430 00:15:15,370 --> 00:15:18,409 of it Mhmm. Enough, whatever your enough is. 431 00:15:18,409 --> 00:15:19,929 There's I can't give you a count. I 432 00:15:19,929 --> 00:15:23,309 could say 1 in 10 impact scenes is 433 00:15:23,529 --> 00:15:26,514 completely thuddy and what I want. That means 434 00:15:26,514 --> 00:15:28,514 9 aren't. I don't know. I don't know 435 00:15:28,514 --> 00:15:29,575 if that's the ratio. 436 00:15:29,955 --> 00:15:32,054 It's it's not a full 5050, 437 00:15:32,595 --> 00:15:34,915 but it's enough for me and you'll have 438 00:15:34,915 --> 00:15:37,715 to figure out what your enough is. But 439 00:15:37,715 --> 00:15:38,215 also, 440 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,879 as the submissive where did you say it? 441 00:15:40,879 --> 00:15:43,440 And it really it I have tried to 442 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,759 want less and be okay with what he 443 00:15:45,759 --> 00:15:48,179 gives. The be okay with what he gives, 444 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,399 I think, to me is more of a 445 00:15:50,559 --> 00:15:52,179 it's a submissive thing of 446 00:15:52,559 --> 00:15:54,740 he's deciding, and I'm I'm accepting. 447 00:15:55,735 --> 00:15:58,554 But that doesn't mean you go without. 448 00:15:59,414 --> 00:16:01,334 That doesn't mean you have to accept that 449 00:16:01,334 --> 00:16:03,095 you don't get anything that you want. Your 450 00:16:03,095 --> 00:16:05,414 needs are just as important. Right. They will 451 00:16:05,414 --> 00:16:08,100 get they they will they may get met 452 00:16:08,879 --> 00:16:11,460 differently. Right? Differently than your ideal, 453 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:12,980 differently 454 00:16:13,519 --> 00:16:15,840 than the way other people do. Like, whatever 455 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,920 that is. They might get they they might 456 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:20,035 get met in a way that isn't, 457 00:16:20,654 --> 00:16:21,795 you know, the stereotype, 458 00:16:22,495 --> 00:16:24,434 but they should still be getting met. And 459 00:16:25,295 --> 00:16:27,875 it's okay to accept a little bit less 460 00:16:28,095 --> 00:16:30,915 to find whatever your level of enough is. 461 00:16:31,295 --> 00:16:33,200 But this is not a sustainable 462 00:16:33,820 --> 00:16:36,460 dynamic if you have times where you feel 463 00:16:36,460 --> 00:16:36,960 unfulfilled 464 00:16:38,059 --> 00:16:39,980 and the reaction you get to that is, 465 00:16:39,980 --> 00:16:42,480 oh, you don't think I'm enough. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. 466 00:16:42,620 --> 00:16:44,779 It's not that your dom is not enough. 467 00:16:44,779 --> 00:16:47,019 It's that you need a little bit more 468 00:16:47,019 --> 00:16:47,475 of 469 00:16:48,355 --> 00:16:49,014 your well-to-be 470 00:16:49,794 --> 00:16:52,034 filled. Right? You need a little bit more 471 00:16:52,034 --> 00:16:54,274 off of your personal checklist of these are 472 00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:56,194 the things that make me happy. Doesn't mean 473 00:16:56,194 --> 00:16:58,034 you get everything, but guess what? Your dom 474 00:16:58,034 --> 00:17:00,375 isn't getting everything, quite frankly, 475 00:17:00,879 --> 00:17:02,740 unless y'all were perfectly 476 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:04,419 aligned on your 477 00:17:04,799 --> 00:17:06,579 kinks. No dom gets 478 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:09,200 everything on their wish list. Right? And it 479 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,720 shouldn't be that way. It's a little bit 480 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,319 for you. It's a little bit for him. 481 00:17:12,319 --> 00:17:13,759 And then it's what you both love in 482 00:17:13,759 --> 00:17:15,404 the middle. And that's Right. And that that's 483 00:17:15,404 --> 00:17:17,965 what a compromise is. Yeah. Exactly. You know, 484 00:17:17,965 --> 00:17:18,625 your dynamic 485 00:17:20,125 --> 00:17:21,585 should be a Venn diagram. 486 00:17:22,205 --> 00:17:24,785 There's what you want, need, like, whatever, 487 00:17:25,164 --> 00:17:27,485 what your dom wants, needs, likes, whatever, and 488 00:17:27,485 --> 00:17:28,650 then there's the stuff stuff in the middle 489 00:17:28,650 --> 00:17:31,070 that you agree on. And then within 490 00:17:31,450 --> 00:17:34,750 each other's limits and boundaries, you occasionally 491 00:17:35,450 --> 00:17:36,750 pull in the stuff 492 00:17:37,210 --> 00:17:39,789 that's just for your dom, just for you. 493 00:17:40,170 --> 00:17:41,805 We all have you know, 494 00:17:42,365 --> 00:17:43,164 that's it's 495 00:17:43,565 --> 00:17:44,924 how do I wanna say this? I don't 496 00:17:44,924 --> 00:17:46,065 know how I wanna say this. 497 00:17:46,684 --> 00:17:49,005 We all deserve some of that. We don't 498 00:17:49,005 --> 00:17:51,325 get all of what we want all of 499 00:17:51,325 --> 00:17:53,325 the time. No. And we should not get 500 00:17:53,325 --> 00:17:55,404 what we want to the detriment of our 501 00:17:55,404 --> 00:17:55,904 partner. 502 00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,950 But there is nothing wrong with, 503 00:18:00,130 --> 00:18:02,609 you know, changing your mindset. No. I don't 504 00:18:02,609 --> 00:18:04,849 necessarily mean you. Maybe you're dong. Change the 505 00:18:04,849 --> 00:18:05,349 mindset 506 00:18:05,890 --> 00:18:08,210 of what this means. The well, it's not 507 00:18:08,210 --> 00:18:10,289 what I like. It's not natural to me, 508 00:18:10,289 --> 00:18:12,285 so I just don't wanna do it. 509 00:18:13,464 --> 00:18:15,244 That's not fair to you. 510 00:18:15,545 --> 00:18:16,125 You know? 511 00:18:17,704 --> 00:18:19,865 That's not to say that your dom should 512 00:18:19,865 --> 00:18:22,825 do everything on your personal checklist that doesn't 513 00:18:22,825 --> 00:18:24,585 vibe with him, and that's not the kind 514 00:18:24,585 --> 00:18:26,320 of dom he wants to be. That's not 515 00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:27,840 not at all what we would say. But 516 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,140 what JB said at the top, 517 00:18:29,519 --> 00:18:31,299 find things that you can incorporate 518 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,880 into the scene that he sets the scene, 519 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,380 but he adds this element for you. Right? 520 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:39,460 He may need to go do some research. 521 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:42,224 You may have to get very explicit in 522 00:18:42,224 --> 00:18:44,565 what you want or what you're envisioning 523 00:18:45,265 --> 00:18:46,884 and give him ideas. 524 00:18:47,265 --> 00:18:49,345 That is not telling him how to do 525 00:18:49,345 --> 00:18:51,585 the scene, by the way. Mhmm. That is 526 00:18:51,585 --> 00:18:53,585 saying, here are the options that I know 527 00:18:53,585 --> 00:18:54,085 of. 528 00:18:54,545 --> 00:18:57,125 Pick and choose as you'd like. Get creative. 529 00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:59,740 I'm just telling I'm just sharing information. It's 530 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:00,460 truly 531 00:19:01,319 --> 00:19:03,319 it's a service. Even if you don't call 532 00:19:03,319 --> 00:19:05,079 yourself a service rep, it's a service that 533 00:19:05,079 --> 00:19:06,679 you provide. It's a Yeah. A way that 534 00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,440 you help your dom is to go, here's 535 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:10,444 all the information I can give you. Right? 536 00:19:10,904 --> 00:19:13,065 He still gets to decide. He's still the 537 00:19:13,065 --> 00:19:13,565 dom. 538 00:19:14,024 --> 00:19:14,524 But 539 00:19:15,304 --> 00:19:17,005 that that and prenegotiating 540 00:19:18,265 --> 00:19:19,565 rituals and, 541 00:19:20,664 --> 00:19:21,164 routines 542 00:19:22,319 --> 00:19:23,299 that are more 543 00:19:23,839 --> 00:19:25,279 I don't know if rigid is the right 544 00:19:25,279 --> 00:19:27,700 word, more strict. That's all very subjective. 545 00:19:28,079 --> 00:19:30,559 But that allow you to experience a little 546 00:19:30,559 --> 00:19:32,559 bit of that slave mindset that you want 547 00:19:32,559 --> 00:19:33,220 to experience 548 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:36,819 while still fitting into the way y'all 549 00:19:37,375 --> 00:19:40,015 go together naturally within your dynamic. Right? And 550 00:19:40,015 --> 00:19:42,335 that's truly plan ahead, and then he can 551 00:19:42,335 --> 00:19:44,335 be hands off until he doesn't wanna be 552 00:19:44,335 --> 00:19:46,575 hands off anymore. Mhmm. But you have a 553 00:19:46,575 --> 00:19:49,134 way to communicate. Hey. I need to hear 554 00:19:49,134 --> 00:19:51,079 how you think I did. Hey. I didn't 555 00:19:51,079 --> 00:19:52,279 do a thing I was supposed to do, 556 00:19:52,279 --> 00:19:54,380 and I know there are consequences. Right? 557 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:57,420 So that I think that's that's the thing. 558 00:19:57,880 --> 00:19:58,700 But also 559 00:19:59,559 --> 00:20:02,460 yeah. It's it's not always gonna feel natural. 560 00:20:02,954 --> 00:20:04,794 You're gonna part of kink is learning new 561 00:20:04,794 --> 00:20:07,355 skills. These are new skills he's learning. Again, 562 00:20:07,355 --> 00:20:09,515 within his limits and boundaries, nobody should have 563 00:20:09,515 --> 00:20:11,194 to, like, violate that to make the other 564 00:20:11,194 --> 00:20:12,654 partner happy. But 565 00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:15,434 feel awkward for a minute because it's not 566 00:20:15,434 --> 00:20:17,134 what you would have necessarily chosen 567 00:20:17,460 --> 00:20:20,039 for yourself, but it makes your partner happy. 568 00:20:20,659 --> 00:20:23,480 That that there's value to that. And that's 569 00:20:24,099 --> 00:20:25,779 that's the thing both sides of the slash 570 00:20:25,779 --> 00:20:27,559 should do for it when they can 571 00:20:27,859 --> 00:20:29,799 from time to time. Mhmm. 572 00:20:30,115 --> 00:20:31,234 And I think that's all I have to 573 00:20:31,234 --> 00:20:32,694 say about that. Okay. 574 00:20:33,634 --> 00:20:35,154 Thanks for listening to this week's q and 575 00:20:35,154 --> 00:20:36,674 a episode. If you want us to answer 576 00:20:36,674 --> 00:20:38,515 one of your questions, just use the contact 577 00:20:38,515 --> 00:20:39,894 page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, 578 00:20:40,835 --> 00:20:42,115 or you can find the link in the 579 00:20:42,115 --> 00:20:43,875 show notes. Big thanks as always to our 580 00:20:43,875 --> 00:20:46,109 kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to 581 00:20:46,109 --> 00:20:47,950 do this podcast and keep it going and 582 00:20:47,950 --> 00:20:50,589 help kinksters due to your support. If you'd 583 00:20:50,589 --> 00:20:51,950 like to be part of our community and 584 00:20:51,950 --> 00:20:53,950 get access to extra content and a Discord 585 00:20:53,950 --> 00:20:55,549 server with a group of super cool, super 586 00:20:55,549 --> 00:20:57,549 nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join 587 00:20:57,549 --> 00:20:58,289 us at patreon.com/kayla 588 00:20:59,230 --> 00:21:00,484 lords. That's patreon.com/kayla 589 00:21:01,984 --> 00:21:03,424 Lords, or use the link in the show 590 00:21:03,424 --> 00:21:03,924 notes.