You're listening to Loving BDSM Podcast. Kayla Lords
here with the one, the only, the, I
hope you, don't just like squeezing that stress
ball.
John Brownstone. I'm sure I can find other
things to squeeze. I got some stress balls
right here. I'm just saying. Happy to oblige.
It's not about what we're talking about this
week.
This week, we're answering a question from a
submissive who needs a type of dominance that
their partner doesn't find easy to do. Welcome
to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new
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That's lovingbdsm
dotnet, or it's in the show notes for
this episode. Okay. Let's get into the question.
K.
My Dom and I have been together for
two and a half years, and we are
regular listeners of your podcast. Yay. Thank you.
We moved in together about a year ago
and are really struggling to find harmony in
our dynamic and with play. I identify as
a slave and I really enjoy things like
high protocol rituals and enforced rules. He is
a daddy dom and likes things to be
fun, playful, and generally easygoing.
Many of our kinks align very well. We
both love impact, rope, d d l g,
and we both like incorporating things like free
use into our dynamic.
The problem is that when we seen, I
enjoy things like a before seen ritual and
strict requirements slash expectations in the scene, and
he wants things to be very natural, fun,
and easy going. It is very much the
same way with our dynamic. Also, he prefers
a more gentle hands off approach and I
need a lot of structure. We've been working
at this for the whole time we've been
together because
I am very much okay with doing things
his way, as long as I have
some of the heavier stuff worked in.
He does try very hard to accommodate me
and will often have good ideas, but it's
very hard for him to maintain long term.
For him, trying to play with a more
intense protocol often makes him not wanna play
at all because it just doesn't feel natural
to him. I've tried to want less and
be okay with what he gives, but that
always leads to me feeling unfulfilled. And when
I ask for more, he feels like he's
not a good enough dom.
We love each other very much and do
not want to separate. He really is my
person.
Do you have any advice on how we
can continue to work at this and find
something that fits for both of us? For
reference, we also live with my 2 children,
age 14 and 7, but they go to
stay with their dad 3 nights out of
the week. So
what do you think?
Wow. There's a lot going on there.
A lot happening.
You know, I don't I'm not sure. Well,
you when you first started reading it, you
know, I was thinking, well,
you know, they need to find a little
bit of compromise. Mhmm.
Okay.
You know, meet meet a little bit more
in the middle. Mhmm.
But when they said, you know,
when we when we do try to do
that, he doesn't enjoy it because it doesn't
feel natural. Right. You know, I I don't
know.
I don't know.
I, you know, I'm I
mean, as, you know, as as a slave
in different things and one of the things
they mentioned, you know, going into the,
you know, maybe talk more about the expectations.
Mhmm.
You know,
do the fun natural
stuff,
but try to weave in maybe a little
bit of the other, you know, just don't
say, okay, we're gonna do a whole scene
that is high protocol. Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay? You
know, rather than do that,
blend it. Absolutely. I get it. Blend it.
You know, I we've we've done things like
that. We've gone from,
you know, strict
disciplinarian
to
laughing our asses off a few minutes later.
So, you know, it can be done.
Mhmm.
I agree with you completely. The the thought
that comes to my mind on the play
side
is
I can only kinda give us as an
example. And there's you've gotta each together, you
have to work together on this to find
what that happy middle ground
feels like.
But JB is the type of sadist
that I
my masochist is is a little too wimpy
for. Like, I
he could go hard, and I'm over here
going, no. No. No. No. I like I
like this short list of very specific kinds
of pain.
So
we can't in that I can't give him
what he wants at that level,
you know, at the rate he would like
it. Right?
But what we have found are over time
it was not something we that just came
to us. Over time, we found ways that
he could kinda scratch that itch,
to go hard for a minute to use
a toy that I would never choose otherwise.
And I was able to sort of find
ways to be okay with it. Not in
a a pressured or coerced way, but more
of a,
this is not a thing I would choose
for myself, enjoying
about it is that he is happy. And
we cannot, in everything we do, only think
about our partner's happiness all the time. That's
that's too uneven. That's not okay. Right. But
every once in a while, both
sides of the slash here can go,
this is what my partner likes. I would
never choose this for myself, but I find
things in it
that make it okay for me to be
able to do it. From the submissive perspective,
for me, that ends up being I'm I'm
being of service. That's
sort of how I wrap my mind around
it. Or I'm playing from with myself of
the idea of how much can I endure?
Like, I'm not taking I'm not taking pleasure
from the pain, but I am getting a
sense of accomplishment from the endurance. Right? Now
that's easy to say kind of on the
submissive side. On the the dominant side,
your partner has to kind of be willing
to go,
okay. I can't do this for you all
the time, but I can do these things
for you, and I can find something in
them that make it
bearable for me, that make it so that
I I don't feel bad about myself that
I'm doing it.
Within the dynamic, I actually think you have
a little bit more leeway than
you realize, and it's because
there are ways to
plan and sort of bake into your existing
relationship some of the things you need
so he can still have some of the
natural fun playful stuff. What I mean by
that is if you need
certain rituals, if you need
some type of rules that you wanna follow,
and you need somebody to kind of follow-up
on them. Right?
Pre negotiate that. Plan that and and set
it as
a thing that you've agreed to do is
understood you're going to do. And if there's
a reason you can't do it, there's a
mechanism to talk about it that that needs
to be true for any type of relationship.
And if you don't do it, if y'all
play with consequences
and, you know, deal with punishment and stuff
like that, There's a a way to do
that. So
if you want
to operate as a submissive under specific kinds
of rules, but your
dominant partner does not wanna have to be
overseeing that all the time because that doesn't
feel natural or good to him,
Plan them out. Take the time to sit
down and negotiate, and you're gonna have to
get really,
honest with yourself about what you want. You're
gonna have to get really honest with him.
This will not be a thing where you
have you can depend on your partner, dominant,
to just come up with the ideas. Right?
You're gonna have to present them and go,
here's some of the things that, you know,
I've seen others do, I've read about, I've
heard about, that I would like to experience
as a submissive as you're submissive.
Can we set the rules now?
And I'll just do these things. You don't
have to oversee it day to day. But
and in this case for y'all, I would
set it maybe as a weekly thing, maybe
not a daily thing that might be overwhelming.
Weekly,
we will talk about, did I do it?
Did I do it well? Are there things,
you know
the the thing I have found this is
not universal, but the thing I have found
about this is in general, but definitely those
who identify as slaves,
is they tend to be
very
brutally honest about did they meet expectations according
to their own,
like, sort of set, you know, way of
looking at it. And, you know, not all
slaves are like this, but
many that I've come across and met want
the correction, so they tend to be
willing to go,
I I didn't do the thing.
I didn't do it as well as I
could. Mhmm. If that's your vibe,
if you set a time, like I said,
weekly, if daily is too much,
to go over your protocols, your rituals, the
things you're supposed to do with your partner,
and,
oh, I didn't do this and and be
and have to admit it. That can be
an act of submission to have to, like,
admit that you fucked up.
It's pain. I hate it. I hate it.
I'll do anything to avoid it.
And, you know, it it can create feelings,
and and y'all have, again, prenegotiated before you
ever start any of this
what his response
could possibly be. Right? He he's a dominant.
Let him have choices
about what he does, but you know what
to expect, and y'all gonna sit down and
talk about it. And it's gonna be kind
of formal, which from a high protocol standpoint
is sometimes like what you're trying to do
anyway.
But it's preplanned, and it's it's not a
thing that the one thing he would have
to be willing to give up is it's
not all natural with the flow,
unless
and until he becomes comfortable with this and
more ideas are coming to mind. And he's
like, yeah. I vibe with this and we
can do this.
But the thing he would not have to
do is be on top of your
rules
and all the things you're supposed to do.
Those would already have been decided upon. And
in your weekly checkup, you can go, hey.
I thought this was gonna work for me,
whatever this rule is or this protocol is.
This is not. Can we readjust?
And that's and you and you only have
to keep up that level of commitment to
that kind of planned conversation until you don't
need it anymore. If it becomes part of
a routine or it starts to feel more
natural to both of you, then you can
do ongoing check ins. You can do more
relaxed check ins. You can Yeah. Wait a
little bit longer between check ins. But,
you know, in order for
the most
mutual satisfaction,
you both have to give a little bit.
And, you know,
I
not hearing from your dom, I don't know
what it is about
hearing from you that you want you you
need more that makes him think he's not
a good enough dom. It is if there's
because that's not true. There's just a mismatch
of styles here. Right? And so the happy
medium to Vine, it's not gonna be a
perfect 5050 compromise. It's
how can he give you
sometimes
enough of what you need for you to
keep going till the next time?
I, as a submissive,
do not get,
a majority of the time, the exact kind
of sensation I love the most. Right. Because
JB is in charge, and he gets to
decide that. But the reason I can be
okay with what
I would not choose for myself and don't
prefer
most of the time is because he very
judiciously
slides in those moments where I get exactly
what I want, even if it's not what
he would choose first and foremost.
That's the balance you have to strike. Right?
And I think I think in play,
JB's right. Find a thing incorporated. Don't have
a full on,
like, deep, deep, like, high protocol scene. Do
a couple of little things in the middle
of your regular play. I think, truly, the
before scene
ritual
might be more doable than you think. I
understand scenes may be kind of cropping up
naturally,
so you're gonna have to get creative with
how you think about this. But if you
can sense or if there can be a
a word that's said or a a signal
of some sort that he's like, if we're
about to scene, and he gives you that
signal, and you think of what do I
do immediately that's part of my before scene
ritual.
It might not be what you've envisioned from
what other people do, what you've seen in
porn, what you've read about, whatever. It might
not be some, like, specific physical position or
kneeling or any it might be
a way that you
change your gaze. Right? Instead of maybe making
eye contact, you remove eye contact, you look
down. It might be a change of your
tone of voice. It might be, you know,
he's he's decided there's a scene, and maybe
there's a toy you use, and your job
is to go get that toy.
The before scene ritual
can be anything.
Yeah.
It just has to fit
with what y'all are doing. And if he's
more of a casual, let's let's start this,
like, whenever and it's gonna be playful,
you will have to work with that a
little bit to figure out what
you can do to get your before seen
ritual
that
he's okay with too and doesn't impede the
scene. Right? That helps the scene along
or that is meaningful to you
even if he does not necessarily
clock it in the same way that you
do. He you know, if he's willing to
agree to it, he can agree to acknowledge
that you averted your gaze, and that was
your ritual, or you
immediately got naked. That was your ritual.
But, again, you set it up ahead of
time.
You plan it out in negotiations,
and then you implement it. And you've already
together agreed upon it, and you've already got
a set time when you're gonna check-in with
one another and just go, does this work?
Does this not work?
The other thing I would
say, and I feel like I feel like
I'm being a little I don't think mean
is the word, but I'm being a little
I think we would all
love if everything we did in life was
the stuff that came natural, felt natural, never
felt awkward,
never felt like we had to work for
it too much, and never was out of
our comfort zone.
That's not life, and that's not even how
kink works. Yeah. So
I know you're the one asking the question,
but my advice,
if if you're dumb, was willing to listen,
would be, I would like you to get
comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Yes. And yes. And that's something, you know,
and that's why I say you said earlier
to, you know,
mix it in in small ways. Mhmm.
And, you know,
by doing that,
over time,
it may become more natural. Absolutely. Because the
awkwardness part is gone. Right. It might again,
it might not be a thing he would
naturally gravitate towards. Mhmm. But he knows it's
important to you, so
he'll bring it up. He'll do it or
try to do it or implement certain bits
of it Mhmm. Enough, whatever your enough is.
There's I can't give you a count. I
could say 1 in 10 impact scenes is
completely thuddy and what I want. That means
9 aren't. I don't know. I don't know
if that's the ratio.
It's it's not a full 5050,
but it's enough for me and you'll have
to figure out what your enough is. But
also,
as the submissive where did you say it?
And it really it I have tried to
want less and be okay with what he
gives. The be okay with what he gives,
I think, to me is more of a
it's a submissive thing of
he's deciding, and I'm I'm accepting.
But that doesn't mean you go without.
That doesn't mean you have to accept that
you don't get anything that you want. Your
needs are just as important. Right. They will
get they they will they may get met
differently. Right? Differently than your ideal,
differently
than the way other people do. Like, whatever
that is. They might get they they might
get met in a way that isn't,
you know, the stereotype,
but they should still be getting met. And
it's okay to accept a little bit less
to find whatever your level of enough is.
But this is not a sustainable
dynamic if you have times where you feel
unfulfilled
and the reaction you get to that is,
oh, you don't think I'm enough. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
It's not that your dom is not enough.
It's that you need a little bit more
of
your well-to-be
filled. Right? You need a little bit more
off of your personal checklist of these are
the things that make me happy. Doesn't mean
you get everything, but guess what? Your dom
isn't getting everything, quite frankly,
unless y'all were perfectly
aligned on your
kinks. No dom gets
everything on their wish list. Right? And it
shouldn't be that way. It's a little bit
for you. It's a little bit for him.
And then it's what you both love in
the middle. And that's Right. And that that's
what a compromise is. Yeah. Exactly. You know,
your dynamic
should be a Venn diagram.
There's what you want, need, like, whatever,
what your dom wants, needs, likes, whatever, and
then there's the stuff stuff in the middle
that you agree on. And then within
each other's limits and boundaries, you occasionally
pull in the stuff
that's just for your dom, just for you.
We all have you know,
that's it's
how do I wanna say this? I don't
know how I wanna say this.
We all deserve some of that. We don't
get all of what we want all of
the time. No. And we should not get
what we want to the detriment of our
partner.
But there is nothing wrong with,
you know, changing your mindset. No. I don't
necessarily mean you. Maybe you're dong. Change the
mindset
of what this means. The well, it's not
what I like. It's not natural to me,
so I just don't wanna do it.
That's not fair to you.
You know?
That's not to say that your dom should
do everything on your personal checklist that doesn't
vibe with him, and that's not the kind
of dom he wants to be. That's not
not at all what we would say. But
what JB said at the top,
find things that you can incorporate
into the scene that he sets the scene,
but he adds this element for you. Right?
He may need to go do some research.
You may have to get very explicit in
what you want or what you're envisioning
and give him ideas.
That is not telling him how to do
the scene, by the way. Mhmm. That is
saying, here are the options that I know
of.
Pick and choose as you'd like. Get creative.
I'm just telling I'm just sharing information. It's
truly
it's a service. Even if you don't call
yourself a service rep, it's a service that
you provide. It's a Yeah. A way that
you help your dom is to go, here's
all the information I can give you. Right?
He still gets to decide. He's still the
dom.
But
that that and prenegotiating
rituals and,
routines
that are more
I don't know if rigid is the right
word, more strict. That's all very subjective.
But that allow you to experience a little
bit of that slave mindset that you want
to experience
while still fitting into the way y'all
go together naturally within your dynamic. Right? And
that's truly plan ahead, and then he can
be hands off until he doesn't wanna be
hands off anymore. Mhmm. But you have a
way to communicate. Hey. I need to hear
how you think I did. Hey. I didn't
do a thing I was supposed to do,
and I know there are consequences. Right?
So that I think that's that's the thing.
But also
yeah. It's it's not always gonna feel natural.
You're gonna part of kink is learning new
skills. These are new skills he's learning. Again,
within his limits and boundaries, nobody should have
to, like, violate that to make the other
partner happy. But
feel awkward for a minute because it's not
what you would have necessarily chosen
for yourself, but it makes your partner happy.
That that there's value to that. And that's
that's the thing both sides of the slash
should do for it when they can
from time to time. Mhmm.
And I think that's all I have to
say about that. Okay.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
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