1 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,484 You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast. Kayla 2 00:00:12,484 --> 00:00:14,365 Lords here with the one, the only, the 3 00:00:14,644 --> 00:00:16,885 I'm I I don't have anything cutesy to 4 00:00:16,885 --> 00:00:19,545 say again this week. Dang. John Brownstone. Wow. 5 00:00:19,605 --> 00:00:22,085 The brain is mush. The brain is mush. 6 00:00:22,085 --> 00:00:24,404 It's been a it's been a long Yeah. 7 00:00:24,654 --> 00:00:26,989 Week. Yeah. But we're here, and we're happy 8 00:00:26,989 --> 00:00:28,670 to be here, and, ultimately, that's all that 9 00:00:28,670 --> 00:00:29,809 matters. That's true. 10 00:00:30,109 --> 00:00:31,649 Lola agrees. Yeah. 11 00:00:32,670 --> 00:00:34,750 This week, we're answering a question from Adam 12 00:00:34,750 --> 00:00:37,729 who provides his sub aftercare, but she's irritable 13 00:00:38,189 --> 00:00:39,825 after every scene. Welcome 14 00:00:41,104 --> 00:00:41,851 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're 15 00:00:41,851 --> 00:00:41,958 new here, we help kinksters like you have 16 00:00:41,958 --> 00:00:43,024 happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast 17 00:00:43,024 --> 00:00:44,885 to your favorite podcast app so you never 18 00:00:45,024 --> 00:00:47,024 miss an episode. And if you'd like us 19 00:00:47,024 --> 00:00:48,625 to answer a question you have in a 20 00:00:48,625 --> 00:00:49,424 future one of these, 21 00:00:50,065 --> 00:00:51,204 you can use 22 00:00:53,630 --> 00:00:56,270 our contact page link literally called ask your 23 00:00:56,270 --> 00:00:58,770 questions, on our website at loving BDSM.net. 24 00:00:59,390 --> 00:01:00,689 That's loving BDSM.net 25 00:01:01,549 --> 00:01:03,570 or the link is in the show notes. 26 00:01:03,949 --> 00:01:06,750 Okay. Let's get right into it. Okay. My 27 00:01:06,750 --> 00:01:09,804 41 male Dom and my wife, 42 female 28 00:01:09,804 --> 00:01:11,804 sub, have been married for 4 years and 29 00:01:11,804 --> 00:01:13,965 discovered our kinky side with each other. Over 30 00:01:13,965 --> 00:01:15,325 the past year, we have found that the 31 00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:17,484 day after a scene, she is irritable and 32 00:01:17,484 --> 00:01:19,344 in her words, pissy and crabby. 33 00:01:19,884 --> 00:01:22,489 Her irritability is directly related to how deep 34 00:01:22,489 --> 00:01:24,890 into subspace she goes during a scene with 35 00:01:24,890 --> 00:01:27,129 deeper subspace leading to a longer period of 36 00:01:27,129 --> 00:01:27,629 irritability. 37 00:01:28,329 --> 00:01:30,969 Our aftercare is precisely what she says she 38 00:01:30,969 --> 00:01:33,310 needs with showers, cuddles, and verbal affirmations. 39 00:01:33,849 --> 00:01:35,415 Is this a form of sub drop? Is 40 00:01:35,415 --> 00:01:37,015 this normal? Is there a way to prevent 41 00:01:37,015 --> 00:01:37,994 this in advance? 42 00:01:38,935 --> 00:01:40,534 Can we get the obvious answer out of 43 00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:42,775 the way? Yeah. Yeah. It's drop. Yep. There 44 00:01:43,094 --> 00:01:45,114 no doubt in my mind that's drop. Mhmm. 45 00:01:45,415 --> 00:01:47,594 I think some of the confusion comes in 46 00:01:47,734 --> 00:01:49,494 when some people talk about drop. They'll either 47 00:01:49,494 --> 00:01:52,109 talk about physical ailments or and I know 48 00:01:52,109 --> 00:01:54,189 in my experience feeling sort of sad or 49 00:01:54,189 --> 00:01:56,909 down. And so you see the crankiness and 50 00:01:56,909 --> 00:01:57,729 don't necessarily 51 00:01:58,349 --> 00:02:00,349 associate it Right. With drop, but I would 52 00:02:00,349 --> 00:02:01,170 say absolutely. 53 00:02:01,709 --> 00:02:03,789 Oh, yeah. Without a doubt. Mhmm. Mhmm. So 54 00:02:03,789 --> 00:02:05,489 then the next question, is this normal? 55 00:02:06,854 --> 00:02:09,974 Yes. Yes. Yeah. Because the higher you go, 56 00:02:09,974 --> 00:02:11,735 then you gotta come down. Right. And so 57 00:02:11,735 --> 00:02:13,435 typically, it's a direct correlation. 58 00:02:13,735 --> 00:02:15,254 The higher the high Right. The lower the 59 00:02:15,254 --> 00:02:17,014 level. I mean, we're we're talking, you know, 60 00:02:17,014 --> 00:02:18,235 a lot of different hormones 61 00:02:18,534 --> 00:02:20,639 that go into sub drop, you know, your 62 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,120 your adrenaline and and, you know Dopamine and 63 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,039 serotonin. Dopamine and serotonin. Thank you. Yeah. The 64 00:02:25,039 --> 00:02:26,719 space and then the drop. And that's for 65 00:02:26,719 --> 00:02:28,479 both sides of the slash. It's just right 66 00:02:28,479 --> 00:02:31,439 now it's impacting your submissive. Because however high 67 00:02:31,439 --> 00:02:32,500 up you go, 68 00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:35,294 you're gonna go just as low when it 69 00:02:35,455 --> 00:02:36,014 when those, 70 00:02:36,655 --> 00:02:40,094 chemicals wear off. Exactly. Exactly. And it seems 71 00:02:40,094 --> 00:02:42,175 to be, for now at least, the way 72 00:02:42,175 --> 00:02:42,914 your submissive 73 00:02:43,375 --> 00:02:44,914 responds is with irritability, 74 00:02:45,215 --> 00:02:46,469 which is valid. 75 00:02:47,830 --> 00:02:48,330 So 76 00:02:49,430 --> 00:02:51,509 the on the question of how do we 77 00:02:51,509 --> 00:02:52,250 prevent it? 78 00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:55,270 If we could figure out how to prevent 79 00:02:55,270 --> 00:02:57,689 drop, we'd be millionaires. Right. Because 80 00:02:58,069 --> 00:02:59,750 it's the one thing I think most of 81 00:02:59,750 --> 00:03:01,930 us would just prefer to avoid. 82 00:03:03,194 --> 00:03:05,294 To my knowledge, in our experience, 83 00:03:06,155 --> 00:03:08,414 there is no avoiding it. There there isn't, 84 00:03:09,514 --> 00:03:11,754 you know, and and yeah. There's no avoiding 85 00:03:11,754 --> 00:03:13,294 it, and there's no chasing it. 86 00:03:13,675 --> 00:03:16,155 No. You can just prepare for it. Right. 87 00:03:16,155 --> 00:03:18,180 And you're doing the right things. If she's 88 00:03:18,180 --> 00:03:20,099 getting the aftercare she wants and needs and 89 00:03:20,099 --> 00:03:22,199 you're consistent with it, then 90 00:03:22,659 --> 00:03:24,419 that is what you can do in the 91 00:03:24,419 --> 00:03:26,520 moment to help mitigate 92 00:03:26,979 --> 00:03:29,460 drop. Mhmm. I think the work needs to 93 00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:32,680 come on the front end before drop happens. 94 00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:35,555 So there needs to be a conversation between 95 00:03:35,555 --> 00:03:36,914 the 2 of you when you're in a 96 00:03:36,914 --> 00:03:38,354 good head space and you're ready to talk 97 00:03:38,354 --> 00:03:40,675 about it. Not too stressful. Right? Right. Not 98 00:03:40,675 --> 00:03:42,354 just before a scene or not after a 99 00:03:42,354 --> 00:03:43,094 scene. Right. 100 00:03:43,634 --> 00:03:46,675 Where you're talking about how that irritability impacts 101 00:03:46,675 --> 00:03:49,030 both of you. Does she feel guilty? Do 102 00:03:49,030 --> 00:03:49,770 you feel, 103 00:03:50,870 --> 00:03:53,110 like your needs aren't being met in that 104 00:03:53,110 --> 00:03:54,949 time frame? Is there a way you can 105 00:03:54,949 --> 00:03:58,229 modify whatever your power exchange looks like so 106 00:03:58,229 --> 00:04:01,425 that whatever you're feeling that might be negative 107 00:04:01,724 --> 00:04:02,625 can be diminished. 108 00:04:03,324 --> 00:04:04,305 Is there anything 109 00:04:04,685 --> 00:04:05,185 that 110 00:04:05,485 --> 00:04:07,805 she can think of that she needs that 111 00:04:07,805 --> 00:04:10,685 might help her feel less irritable or just 112 00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:11,185 deal 113 00:04:11,724 --> 00:04:13,264 with the irritability 114 00:04:14,199 --> 00:04:15,180 in another way. 115 00:04:15,959 --> 00:04:17,639 You know, I know when I'm when I'm 116 00:04:17,639 --> 00:04:18,139 cranky, 117 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,519 especially as a submissive who does not wanna 118 00:04:20,519 --> 00:04:22,919 be disrespectful for dominant. When I'm cranky, I 119 00:04:22,919 --> 00:04:24,699 just have to shut the hell up or 120 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:26,300 just can't say anything. 121 00:04:26,839 --> 00:04:27,339 But 122 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,735 I have gotten better at just saying to 123 00:04:30,735 --> 00:04:31,235 JB, 124 00:04:31,935 --> 00:04:34,014 I am very cranky right now. Yeah. I'm 125 00:04:34,014 --> 00:04:36,035 I'm in a I'm in a different headspace, 126 00:04:36,095 --> 00:04:38,014 and I just say it so he knows 127 00:04:38,014 --> 00:04:38,814 it, and then he 128 00:04:40,095 --> 00:04:42,175 it behaves in a different way than he 129 00:04:42,175 --> 00:04:43,580 might normally. And then a lot of times 130 00:04:43,580 --> 00:04:44,879 I'll ask her, is there 131 00:04:45,180 --> 00:04:47,819 anything I can do? Mhmm. Is there anything 132 00:04:47,819 --> 00:04:48,480 you want? 133 00:04:49,420 --> 00:04:51,259 And if the answer is no, I just 134 00:04:51,259 --> 00:04:51,920 kind of 135 00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:54,555 leave her alone, step back, and let her 136 00:04:55,354 --> 00:04:57,694 go through her thing until she asks for 137 00:04:58,154 --> 00:04:59,995 help or something. Or I crack a joke 138 00:04:59,995 --> 00:05:01,274 or I just kind of come back to 139 00:05:01,274 --> 00:05:03,115 myself. Mhmm. You know, you can have that 140 00:05:03,115 --> 00:05:05,115 conversation with one another, and your submissive might 141 00:05:05,115 --> 00:05:06,235 say, I think I just want to be 142 00:05:06,235 --> 00:05:08,394 left alone. And then, okay, you do that. 143 00:05:08,394 --> 00:05:09,535 Nothing wrong with that. 144 00:05:10,020 --> 00:05:11,699 If you do that a few times and 145 00:05:11,699 --> 00:05:13,540 she goes, oh god. That's not feeling right 146 00:05:13,540 --> 00:05:16,120 either. That's valid. That's okay. You come back 147 00:05:16,740 --> 00:05:19,300 to the moment and have the conversation again 148 00:05:19,300 --> 00:05:20,740 and go, okay. But what do you what 149 00:05:20,740 --> 00:05:22,819 do you think might help? And such and 150 00:05:22,819 --> 00:05:25,044 retry. Yeah. Right. And it might be different 151 00:05:25,044 --> 00:05:27,384 from time to time. Look. There are things 152 00:05:28,165 --> 00:05:29,845 in drop, out of drop that will make 153 00:05:29,845 --> 00:05:32,084 me feel better on one day that won't 154 00:05:32,084 --> 00:05:34,725 work the next time. That's true. But the 155 00:05:34,725 --> 00:05:35,225 the 156 00:05:35,939 --> 00:05:37,540 the biggest thing is keep doing what you're 157 00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:38,520 doing with aftercare. 158 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:42,420 Feel free to together to expand on what 159 00:05:42,420 --> 00:05:43,879 aftercare may look like. 160 00:05:44,340 --> 00:05:46,340 What we recommend for a lot of long 161 00:05:46,340 --> 00:05:48,900 distance relationships is to make sure you're in 162 00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:50,199 contact with one another 163 00:05:50,675 --> 00:05:52,935 that day or 2 after a scene. That's, 164 00:05:53,074 --> 00:05:55,154 you know, yes. You you live together. You're 165 00:05:55,154 --> 00:05:57,555 married. You're in contact, but there's a different 166 00:05:57,555 --> 00:05:58,454 kind of connection 167 00:05:58,915 --> 00:06:01,154 between living your life and going to work 168 00:06:01,154 --> 00:06:02,375 and dealing with whatever 169 00:06:02,754 --> 00:06:04,694 versus being connected. 170 00:06:05,180 --> 00:06:06,560 So it may be 171 00:06:06,939 --> 00:06:09,740 if if she feels up for it because 172 00:06:09,740 --> 00:06:11,360 that crankiness is real, 173 00:06:12,379 --> 00:06:14,860 that, you know, it might be helpful in 174 00:06:14,860 --> 00:06:16,875 the moment to have some source of connection. 175 00:06:17,754 --> 00:06:18,243 Doing a comfort thing that she enjoys or 176 00:06:18,243 --> 00:06:19,514 that you both enjoy. You know? If I'm 177 00:06:19,514 --> 00:06:20,634 in the right if I can get myself 178 00:06:20,634 --> 00:06:22,095 into the right headspace, 179 00:06:22,634 --> 00:06:24,495 sitting down to watch a movie 180 00:06:29,379 --> 00:06:31,300 and just being together And I was just 181 00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:32,899 gonna say, you know, some kind of TV 182 00:06:32,899 --> 00:06:35,139 show, whether, you know, some kind of cartoon 183 00:06:35,139 --> 00:06:37,300 that they enjoy or movie or, you know 184 00:06:37,540 --> 00:06:40,339 Whatever. Something. Anything comedy. So that's a thing 185 00:06:40,339 --> 00:06:42,259 to consider as well. But all you can 186 00:06:42,259 --> 00:06:44,199 really do for drop is 187 00:06:45,045 --> 00:06:47,305 mitigate it and plan for it, 188 00:06:47,685 --> 00:06:48,185 and 189 00:06:48,564 --> 00:06:50,584 both of you, you know, don't 190 00:06:51,524 --> 00:06:54,105 get your feelings hurt or take it personally 191 00:06:54,165 --> 00:06:55,545 when the other person is 192 00:06:55,925 --> 00:06:56,425 experiencing 193 00:06:56,819 --> 00:06:57,560 tough emotions 194 00:06:58,180 --> 00:07:00,419 because it's the drop off from the high. 195 00:07:00,419 --> 00:07:02,500 Now that does not mean that's not a 196 00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:03,000 a 197 00:07:03,379 --> 00:07:05,399 free pass to behave badly. 198 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:06,919 You know? 199 00:07:07,379 --> 00:07:09,639 We can feel badly and still, you know, 200 00:07:10,404 --> 00:07:13,125 be respectful human beings. Yeah. But, you know, 201 00:07:13,125 --> 00:07:15,204 that whole am I doing enough or am 202 00:07:15,204 --> 00:07:17,125 I doing it wrong? No. No. No. No. 203 00:07:17,125 --> 00:07:19,604 This is just apparently what your partner goes 204 00:07:19,604 --> 00:07:21,785 through now and or forever. 205 00:07:22,324 --> 00:07:24,665 Drop can change over time. Mhmm. The, 206 00:07:25,125 --> 00:07:27,399 the quickness with which you go into some 207 00:07:27,399 --> 00:07:29,720 space or the how often you go into 208 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,159 some space or if you go into some 209 00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:33,959 space, that can change too. So this will 210 00:07:33,959 --> 00:07:34,860 likely just 211 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,560 morph over time, and the biggest thing is 212 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,639 to keep the lines of communication. That's true. 213 00:07:39,639 --> 00:07:40,459 That's true. 214 00:07:40,845 --> 00:07:41,345 And 215 00:07:42,685 --> 00:07:44,605 I Yeah. I I don't think there's much 216 00:07:44,605 --> 00:07:46,925 more to No. No. So I hope that 217 00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:47,665 was helpful. 218 00:07:48,285 --> 00:07:51,165 We have talked about drop many, many, many 219 00:07:51,165 --> 00:07:53,730 times over the years of our podcast, so 220 00:07:53,730 --> 00:07:55,970 I'll put links in the places for more 221 00:07:55,970 --> 00:07:56,470 information 222 00:07:57,330 --> 00:07:59,110 for anybody who's sort of 223 00:07:59,490 --> 00:08:00,930 dealing with this and not sure how to 224 00:08:00,930 --> 00:08:03,330 navigate it. And also Subspace, and I think 225 00:08:03,330 --> 00:08:05,490 we did an episode on Topspace and all 226 00:08:05,490 --> 00:08:07,330 that good stuff because, yeah, just because it's 227 00:08:07,330 --> 00:08:09,384 affecting your submissive doesn't mean it can't affect 228 00:08:09,384 --> 00:08:10,665 you as a dom at some point in 229 00:08:10,665 --> 00:08:11,324 the future. 230 00:08:11,704 --> 00:08:14,024 And you can't stop it, but you can 231 00:08:14,024 --> 00:08:16,345 prepare for it. So it's kind of all 232 00:08:16,345 --> 00:08:19,144 anybody can do. That's true. Mhmm. Thanks for 233 00:08:19,144 --> 00:08:20,824 listening to this week's q and a episode. 234 00:08:20,824 --> 00:08:22,104 If you want us to answer one of 235 00:08:22,104 --> 00:08:24,000 your questions, just use the contact page on 236 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:24,980 our website at lovingbdsm.net, 237 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,199 or you can find the link in the 238 00:08:27,199 --> 00:08:29,040 show notes. Big thanks as always to our 239 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,279 kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to 240 00:08:31,279 --> 00:08:33,120 do this podcast and keep it going and 241 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:35,679 help kinksters due to your support. If you'd 242 00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:37,039 like to be part of our community and 243 00:08:37,039 --> 00:08:39,039 get access to extra content and a Discord 244 00:08:39,039 --> 00:08:40,694 server with a group of super cool, super 245 00:08:40,694 --> 00:08:42,615 nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join 246 00:08:42,615 --> 00:08:43,434 us at patreon.com/kayla 247 00:08:44,375 --> 00:08:45,595 lords. That's patreon.com/kayla 248 00:08:47,014 --> 00:08:48,534 lords, or use the link in the show 249 00:08:48,534 --> 00:08:49,034 notes.