You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast, episode
420.
Kayla Lortz here with the 1, the only,
the, are you covered in sawdust or resin
dust? John Brownstone. Little above. Figure. Yeah. Very
dusty.
John Brownstone today. Mhmm. I mean, I like
it when you're a dusty John Brownstone, but
I like clean John Brownstone too. Right. I
do clean up well. So You do. You
do.
But that's not what we're talking about this
week.
This week, we're taking the easy way out,
and we're responding to questions asked on the
kinky side of Reddit. Welcome to the Loving
BDSM podcast. If this is your first time
listening, glad to have you. If you're back
for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is
produced every Monday Friday for your kinky pleasure
and education. The show notes are found at
lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add
the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You
can also follow the show on fat life
at loving BDSM PC
on Instagram and technically threads at loving d
s and the number one. That handle I
fucking hate, I almost forgot to say that,
It's loving d s one, and I hate
it. More on YouTube at youtube.com/loving
BDSM, where you can watch us live stream
the podcast every Wednesday.
All links are in the show notes.
Okay. So it's not
It comes under announcements, but it's really not.
Before we get into the Reddit stuff, we're
gonna do a small little section on Black
Friday deals
based on, yes, our shops, of course. But
also
shops and or products we like.
This is kind of a throwback to when
we used to do our favorite sex toys
of the year. But that was when we
were reviewing
a dozen or more sex toys a year,
and we don't. We haven't done that. Now
that I accidentally Instagrammed too close to the
sun, people are reaching out more.
So in
2025,
maybe.
I don't know. Yeah. So we're gonna do
that so that if anybody is looking to,
save on any kink or sex toy products,
let's not pay full price if we don't
have to. Right. Okay. So let me get
my list up. It's a fairly short list.
Mhmm. So we'll start off with our own.
The Kinkery is having a Black Friday sale.
It's actually the best discount we've ever given.
And normally, the only folk who get this
discount are are Proud Crickets on Patreon.
25%
off.
We're recording on Wednesday, and I'm hoping
by Wednesday night, the sale is live.
That's what I'm working towards.
If you're on our,
Kinkery email list, you'll get an email about
it. It'll be on social media the day
after the email goes out. I'll put it
in the
loving BDSM newsletter this week. Like, we'll try
and let you know. Mhmm. But, yeah, Kinkery.
I expanded the candle
wax play candle colors. We've now added green.
It's not
on the website as I'm
speaking, but time travel, when the sale starts,
it will be there. And it came out
as a really pretty green. It's a dark
green.
And we'll have some other bits and things,
and,
we're doing holiday and winter themed diabolical 6.
Yeah. It's it's exciting.
Our Etsy shops are on sale because I
should not be in charge of calendars.
The loving BDSM
Etsy shop and my book dreams Etsy shop
book themed things.
Day of recording Wednesday, 25 percent off. JB's
Wood Handmade Wood Items Shop, the 25%
starts on Thursday because I can't be trusted
with calendars.
Okay? Uh-oh.
So
that's us. Now let's get into
the fun stuff.
Thank you, Teshu, for letting me know in
the chat. Elegantly owned on Etsy,
25%
off.
If you're looking for a new collar, I
am not wearing my collar today because y'all
are lucky I'm wearing clothes at this point.
Yeah. But if you've ever seen my collar
or a picture of my collar and thought
that's pretty, that's who it's from Elegantly Owned.
He he does some beautiful work. In case
you does amazing work. So while there's a
sale, take advantage of it.
I will be linking all of these things
in the places
so you don't have to go look for
it. Of course, this is the moment I've
realized I did not link to Elegantly Owned.
There we go. Sorry. I'll get that link
up. Okay.
The first one on the list is a
genuine favorite toy of yours for the year.
Yeah. We just put out the video review
that will be in the be loving BDSM
newsletter on Friday.
Fusey Fun
Wave.
Yep.
And it's a surround sound
prostate
perineum
penis toy. Like, all the bits?
That's that's It covers all the bits. Covers
all the bits. And then if you're having
penetrative sex with a partner, they get some
One one toy to rule them all. One
toy to rule them all. Yeah. And the
the sale is actually a pretty good deal.
It's normally 70
$5, and it's currently, like,
$49. Wow. That's Yeah. Yep. So yeah. The
if you're like this and this toy looks
weird because it's one piece of silicone
Mhmm. For,
you know, back end to front end and
just
wraps around.
Is it still in your top 3? Oh,
yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, he says. So if you're like,
what is this modern marvel,
link to the stuff, and and go check
it out.
The next one is my favorite toy of
the year that got to try in 2024.
The review is not up yet. It's also
not recorded. I'm hoping to have that by
the beginning of December.
It's by WeVibe,
and it's called the wand 2. It's essentially
that big headed vibrator toy that I always
like, the wand massager,
in WeVibe with WeVibe technology. There you go.
Technically, the app works with it. I don't
I don't you I don't use the app.
The I this is a toy that if
you're using on yourself, you need a hand
on it. So I don't know what I
would be doing with my phone in order
for I'll hook up on the app and
add in there. You will. I'm sure you
will.
So Lovehoney
sent me the We Vibe toys. So I
linked to Lovehoney because they're having a huge
Black Friday sale too. But We Vibe has,
like, all of some of our favorite toys.
The We Vibe Chorus,
still one of our favorite toys. Your We
Vibe that you like, the Bond? The Bond
and the Vector. And the Bond is prostate,
and the no.
Bond is,
ring? Cock ring, and Vector is prostate. Prostate.
Yes.
They have a panty one, the Melt, that's
actually pretty good. I'm very
about,
panty vibrators. That one's a good one.
So yeah. We'll also link to WeVibe. They
are having sales as well. So far, none
of these have been, affiliate links, but we
do have a couple of affiliate links.
I wanted to just because I follow them
on Instagram and they keep putting out pretty
things and we like the company. Mhmm. GoToMich
out of the UK Yeah. Is actually having
a sale all November long. They
have still do the
silicone dildos that they've done forever and the
silicone,
masturbators,
which, you like. They're called the offbeat. Yep.
They also now do a ton of stuff
with grinding. Yes. Oh my god. They've got
some handheld. They've got some strap on. They
could put it on a thigh. Put Yep.
They're gorgeous. Mhmm. I don't do much grinding,
not because I don't like it, but because
I'm I'm a a routine
queen. And there's a way I do it,
and I don't deviate often.
That is an affiliate link.
But, yeah, definitely go check them out in
general.
Mhmm. Especially if you want a beautiful,
beautiful dildo. They do some Dildos are gorgeous.
They they do some beautiful colors Mhmm. With
their with their silicone. And I think they
do some premade stuff now and still the
the made to order where you pick your
colors.
But they're having a sale the entire month
of November.
So, yeah, if you're looking for a good
silicone dildo.
The stockroom
might be having a Black Friday sale. I
went looking, and I'm like Didn't see anything.
Wow. Are y'all doing what we're doing in
panic planning on Wednesday? I don't know.
I will always like the stock room Yeah.
Because
their BDSM
stuff in general comes from really good,
brands. Mhmm. So
if you've not checked them out before, feel
free. They run sales
all the time. All the time. If I
promoted
every sale they email me about, y'all would
be so tired of me.
But they haven't sent anything about their Black
Friday sale.
Podcast listeners, by the time you can even
hear the sound of my voice, we're in
Black Friday, so go click the link. That
is an affiliate link too. Anybody who's confused
affiliate links,
you if you make a purchase using that
link, we get a small commission. There we
go.
But I like to disclose them because some
people have feelings about affiliate links. We are
not paid to promote any of these. Not
even the Fousey Fund or the WeVibe Wand.
We did it in exchange.
Because every time I've tried
to charge for a review because it's more
common, I feel like I can't say what
I wanna say. So I just went, no.
Fuck it. Just give me the product. Do
not pay me.
I can't do it. Right. Shevibe is another
online store for sex toys that we like.
Their Black Friday sale is going on right
now.
They have they have all kinds of stuff.
Their wand vibrator selection's really, really good.
But on the front page of their site,
they have some monster dildos. Like, dildos based
on
oh, and there were some pretty ones. There
were some pretty ones. So I always love
recommending Shevibe.
Electrostim.
I got an email
that as an email subscriber, I have early
access to, so I don't know when it
officially starts. They're
doing a sale Black Friday sale up to
50% off, and so some stuff will be
under that 50%.
That is where we got
the electrostim
axis, which is basically a tens unit Mhmm.
And our electro
paddle.
Fucking love that paddle.
I don't like the side that doesn't give
the electric buzz.
That's really stingy and painful,
but I love the side where you do
get to feel the elect electric plate. Buzzy
buzz. Because it's like a buzz. It's a
delightful
delightful. That is also an affiliate link. There
is one for YouTube folks,
that won't be good until Friday, but podcast
listeners, the link will be in the places.
Dom Sub Living, who we've partnered with
several times over the past several years, They're
discounting the replay of the Dom Sub Virtual
Summit from earlier this year. So if you
weren't able to get in on that and
get access to all that content, we did
a class on punishment and rewards.
You can as of Friday,
Black Friday, it'll be,
half off. It'll be $49
to get instant replay access to everything that
was shared during the actual summit.
So and that's an affiliate link.
So, yeah, for general, I just wanna browse.
Stockroom,
She Vibe, LoveHoney.
For specific stuff,
silicone dildos, grinders,
go to Mich,
electroplay stuff, ElectroStim.
Anything WeVibe with apps, the WeVibe,
shop. FuzzyFun.
I've I don't know if anybody else carries
the Fuzzy fun wave, but the fuzzy fun
dot com site does.
And if if,
if the idea of a surround sound
toy
for anybody who happens to have a penis,
intrigues you,
I'll link to the review.
Like I said, one one toy to rule
them all. One toy to rule them all.
And if you're looking for a collar, elegantly
owned on Etsy.
And then, of course, there's the kinkery.
I I really hope I'm not sliding into
a Black Friday sale on midnight. I just
if we could do it before dinner, I'd
be happy. There you go. Okay. That was
my as rapid paste caffeine high
favorite
products and shops for Black Friday. Don't pay
full price if you don't have to. Keep
going.
So
let's get into these. I basically picked stuff
that I thought had a good chance of
maybe
getting me a little ranty.
Which could be any of them. Right. So
if I recall, I think all of these
posts that I picked are a little maddening.
You it's like some the either the person
asking the question or the person
involved with the person asking the question said
or did something, or you're like, are you
fucking kidding me? And that was that was
the vibe I was going for for this
month's
Reddit
response.
Let's go to the first one.
Turned off by my boyfriend's BDSM pictures.
So I've been with my boyfriend in a
long distance relationship for 4 months, and things
are going perfect. Except
we're both really kinky and submissive.
In the beginning, we took the BDSM test,
and he scored really high in being a
rigor and a dom, but none of that
turned out to be true once we met
and had sex.
Also, during our sex talks, I took the
initiative
once and now he's acting really submissive towards
me. When we met, he never initiated and
even seemed afraid of towards me.
When we met, he never initiated and even
seemed afraid to go full force. I had
to take the lead, and I hate that.
I'm a sub who wants to be dominated
badly.
We didn't have sex often.
We haven't really had any dirty talk in
over a month because of our schedules. And
yesterday, I told him about how much I
missed that and we should explore more together.
Then he started to send me pictures and
submissive poses and being gagged,
and I was really turned off.
I feel so fucking bad. He's perfect in
every way, and being masochistic
is really his thing, but also mine.
I don't feel wound up seeing him tied
up or begging for mercy. I don't think
I can fulfill that dom role for him.
He's perfect in every way except sexually.
Turns out he's more submissive than me. At
least it seems like it. I'm a sex
maniac.
Okay. And it's quite important to me. And
honestly, I don't know how to move forward
without hurting him badly. I wanna see what
our sex will be like during our 2nd
meetup. But if you're a dom, that's naturally
already in you, and that was nowhere to
be found within him. My feelings have changed
a bit towards him because I suddenly realized
we're not compatible at all. We both have
the same fantasies, but 2 subs together.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm sorry.
I think my attitude came out towards the
end there. Sorry.
Go ahead. What what what say you? They
need a third to dom them.
Somebody in the comments said the same.
They can be together. Just need the need
that 3rd person to, to dom them both.
Assuming that they're open to it. Right.
I had 2 things.
1 and I get why people do it.
They don't wanna sound like
they're bad talking somebody or they say they
feel like they have all these other good
qualities. There's just a thing missing. Stop saying
somebody's perfect and then listing all the things
you don't like about them. Right. Yeah. Yeah.
They are not perfect for you
if that's like. If that's the case. Yeah.
And I get why people say that. They're
perfect, except
then are they perfect?
Now, one, perfection doesn't exist, but 2,
he's amazing except here are these things I
hate about him.
Like, what?
It's it's an incompatibility.
Of course, it is. So then you just
have to decide. Do you wanna invite a
a Dom in? Who's like, sure. I'll take
on both. Or do you wanna go your
separate ways and and need to find your
person? Right. Exactly. The the two things, though,
that stood out to me,
it starts at the top where,
they say when they took the BDSM test
in the beginning and his came out, he
was a rigger and a dom. Mhmm. All
I wondered, and we we are not hearing
from the boyfriend, so can't ever know,
is did did he answer the questions honestly,
or did he answer them as he thought
he thought he was expected to answer them?
And then started exploring and went, oh, wait.
Yeah.
Yeah. No. No. No. No. No. I'm actually
doing something else here.
And the other part because the question itself,
it's a simple thing. Yeah. Did you find
a third or
go your separate ways. The part that made
me go, oh,
it was, but if you're a dom, that's
naturally already in you.
It can be for many. For some, it
can. Yeah. But it can also be a
learned thing Yes. If you want to learn.
The the thing about being a dom is
not that it's naturally in you. It's that
you have to some part of it has
to intrigue you enough that you want to
explore it. Oh, yeah. But yeah. The
I was like, okay.
Okay. Okay. I I feel for this person
having this issue. You meet a person that
you think think you're great with. You think
you're compatible. You find out you're not.
That's a basic one. But this whole
you're just it's supposed to naturally be you.
And if you're not it
Yeah. I I just wanted go, no. That's
not true.
Yeah. That, you know, that that to me,
sometimes when,
you know, they say, oh, you know, you
you have to be a natural at it.
Otherwise, you're not, you know, real.
You know, that's right up there with one
way one
true wayism.
Yes. Absolutely. And, you know, I get
I get where the thinking comes from because
any little bit of media you're getting,
about kink, whether it's books you read or
porn or even the few movies that it
kinda shows up in, you tend to see
dom or sub as if they were kind
of always this way, but something brought it
out in them, whether it's their trauma or
whether it's,
you know, I I don't get to be
the boss at work, so I wanna be
the boss, you know, in the bedroom or
whatever, like, whatever tropes they're using. But it
is just a trope. It's not Yeah. You
know, some people will fit that, but
others won't. And I think the the
concern I have is how invalidating
it can be for people who are like,
well, I don't feel this naturally, but I
am curious and I am learning this that
that I am capable of this and that
I enjoy this Yeah. To then be told
that maybe they're not really air quote that.
I I mean, you know,
don't get it wrong, there are people who
are because I I I look at, you
know, being
being a big d, you're you're a leader.
Okay? And, you know, there are people who,
yes, are natural leaders. Absolutely. Okay?
And and there are others who have that
grain in them and, you know, they can
they can learn. Mhmm. Mhmm. And some people
don't realize,
whether through life circumstances,
gender roles, societal expectations based on wherever you
grew up and however you grew up, whatever
it is. Some people don't even realize that
they have it within them to take control
or to to have the power or to
lead in the way that a dominant can
lead
until they finally
have have the opportunity to go
figure out if that's something that they enjoy.
And I don't think any of those folk
would or may
some of those folk would not say that
it came naturally to them because quite frankly,
they had to set aside
everything they'd been taught
by the world True. To go, hey. I've
got this within me. The other thing is
natural leaders,
we've talked about this. Submissives can be natural
leaders. We just
aren't always gonna be leading or our leadership
Not always naturally gonna be the leaders. Yeah.
Right. And our leadership
tends to look like service in some form
or fashion.
So, yeah, I just
the stereotypes and the tropes and the cliches.
Damn.
Right?
Also, if I seem to be speaking fast,
blame it on all the coffee. Right. Right.
Right. Okay.
This one is asked am I the asshole,
but they did not put it in the
BDSM
am I the asshole, subreddit run by our
friend, Rara, and I wish people would use
that one because I go there first.
And if there's not anything new or anything
that looks interesting,
I you know?
Like so I found it here in BDSM
advice, but here we go.
Am I the asshole?
Dom left to party during long distance denial
play says I'm gaslighting him.
Here's a too long didn't read. A new
Dom told me to put a butt plug
in for him long distance and then went
out to party before wrapping up the scene
or giving further instructions.
I felt abandoned during play, which he says
is gaslighting and gave him the ick. I
already don't like this guy. But here we
go. Let's get into it.
I, 29 female, have been dating someone 38
male for 3 weeks,
and it was going extremely well. I have
some sub kink experience mostly around impact, and
he has been in formal DS relationships both
sexual and lifestyle.
So in addition to vanilla interests, we were
also really aligned on him helping me grow
and explore fuller submission in a safe way.
After 3 weeks of dating, I left for
a 2 week preplanned
international vacation,
which I'm at the end of now. He
and I have texted every day. And just
2 days ago, he told me he really
sees me in his future, is so excited
and happy that we're together, and would be
ecstatic to see me when I got home.
I completely reciprocated.
The next day, I was souvenir shopping and
popped into a sex
shop. While there, he told me to purchase
a butt plug and wear it for him
on my way out, but that I was
still not to come until I was with
him. That was previously agreed upon. The butt
plug suggestion really took me by surprise, but
I went along with it. After putting it
in, I got really turned on and started
texting him increasingly,
frantically
as I dropped into the subby role.
The texting started strong on both sides, but
over the next 30 to 60 minutes, he
started replying less and less frequently and with
less engaged responses,
for an example, like, with just an emoji.
Eventually, I asked if he had gone out
since it was Saturday night, and he seemed
not to be paying attention to me. He
said, indeed, I did. You can take the
plug out when you get back to the
hotel.
I crashed immediately.
All of the euphoria of playing with him
went away when I realized he wasn't focused
on the scene anymore and the wrap up
felt dismissive.
So I told him that I felt abandoned
and foolish, which was also making me angry.
He said,
what?
I said I wish we had set up
better expectations since this play was new to
me and had made me feel really vulnerable,
especially realizing that he wasn't engaged the way
I was.
He disagreed.
In short, he said I should feel joyful
that he was choosing to play with me
at all while he was out living his
life.
I tried to explain that the experience had
been emotional and intense for me, and I'd
wanted to share that with him, but he
stopped replying.
In the morning, he said I'd given him
the ick. I was guilting and gaslighting him,
and that he no longer wanted to see
me when I get back, like, ever again.
I'm just reeling. This was my first time
trying long distance play or denial play to
this level. It was an exciting, but also
scary experience, and he's made me feel like
I completely fucked it up by wanting more
of his attention.
Am I the asshole? No. You didn't fuck
it up. What what you did was you
brought it to light what he really is.
Yes. And you should be happy that he
doesn't want to see you Yes. When you
get back. That's called dodging a bullet. Mhmm.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yeah. So, yeah. Consider yourself lucky.
Yeah. I mean, it the you're gonna feel
like shit and that sucks, but yeah. But
yeah. After 3 weeks, good to know. And,
you know, it there it it may take
some time, but there's gonna come a point
that you're gonna look back and say,
yeah. That was close. Yeah.
Glad glad that one's
yes. I mean,
is it possible
to do long distance play while 1 or
both of you are out living your life
and just and for responses to get a
little intermittent? Yeah.
I personally would not recommend
playing like that No. Unless
you both know. Like Right. If he had
said, hey. We're gonna do this, but I'm
gonna be out
at a party for a few hours Yeah.
Just know that. Right? Or,
you know,
hey, if you're gonna be out while doing
this shopping, like, you would give me long
distance play things. I'd be wearing a butt
plug while I was out grocery shopping. Like,
it was part of the point was to
get to play while doing real life stuff.
Mhmm. But there was also a conversation and
an understanding about
it. But also and I hope this person
walks away with
the hard one knowledge that
it can be exciting to be given a
task, air quote, that however you'd like, or
a new sexual experience off the cuff.
But even if it sounds exciting in the
moment, my recommendation would be until we can
talk it out, I'm not buying I'll buy
the butt plug, but I'm not putting it
in me until we've talked about playing like
this. What's expected? Yeah. Right. Because the having
the the
emotional
and intense feelings and that that reaction, getting
in that subby headspace that deeply,
that's not that uncommon. Right. And, you know,
when it's a new thing, especially
Mhmm. You know, not
having
some sort of contact or access to your
Dom that you are anticipating that you would
normally have Yeah. Without being told ahead of
time Mhmm. That can fuck a person up.
Also, that guy doesn't know what gaslighting means.
Right. You know, and and I have to
say, you know, in in
you listening to this, but I can't talk.
You know,
I think the one thing that she that
this person may have been
in air about, and then they admitted it
in the in the in the thing, was,
you know, not understanding it, not knowing the
expectations.
Right. You know, and,
you know, give them a little bit of
a
Sure. You know, because they're they're kind of
new, I think they said. Right. You know,
so
but the thing is, they learn something because
they say, you know,
should have been a little clear about this
in the beginning. Right. If this guy was
as experienced and as good and as this
and whatever else was promised Yeah. You know,
in the previous 3 weeks,
that
that would've there would've been maybe a deeper
discussion. There would've been some expectation management. There
would've been something. I,
you know, I wanna I want
new people, kinksters of any kind, of any
side of the slash, to think about these
things before they happen to them so that
you can go, hey. Can we talk about
this? But the fact of the matter is
it's sometimes it's gonna come up and you're
not gonna know and you're gonna it's gonna
be a lesson you learn for the future.
Yeah. And, you know, if
this guy was supposed to be somebody who
was teaching her how to be submissive in
a safe way, well, he's already fucking Screwed
that up. Yeah, up the test. Because he's
like, oh, we haven't talked about this. I'm
not here to help you. There certainly won't
be any aftercare, but go do this thing
for me. Right. I mean, you know, that
to me that,
you know, priorities, you know, finish
what you started kinda thing. Exactly.
Exactly. But I I agree with you. Dodged
a bullet there. Mhmm.
Okay.
Next one.
My sub is getting clingy, and I need
advice.
I've, 28 female, had the same submissive, 28
male, for over a year with about a
dozen sessions in that time frame.
He's always been pretty behaved and knows my
boundaries except over the weekend it changed.
My rules are don't touch me unless I
say it's okay.
He kept brushing his hands on me and
I eventually had it and used bondage but
it still didn't stop him. Usually at the
end I let him finish and recently he's
been interested in prostate play so I'm training
his body. I made him go into his
usual position and because he can't touch me
he starts leaning so I'm kind of forced
to show affection.
Sex is not on the table. I know
the risks of introducing that. I'm not a
mean dom. I'm trying to keep him from
getting attached and any touch of affection gets
him wired up.
Anyway, he couldn't finish and kept begging that
he wants to give me pleasure. I know
exactly what that means and he wouldn't stop
begging.
None of this has showed up the entire
time we started last year and I've only
let him see my body once months ago
to establish trust. I don't know what happened
since our last session was in September.
He refuses another dom, and when the idea
of having another joined, he stonewalled me for
a week. His career makes it hard to
introduce him to the community.
Is he attached? How do I fix
this? Wow. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I I honestly don't know what to violating
boundaries. Right. Well, is he no. He is.
Yeah. He is. Is he doing it because
he's attached and clingy and and wants more
from her than she's willing to give? Mhmm.
Somebody in the comments said this is one
of the reasons I chose this one because
I was like, wow. I don't know.
Is he bratting? Does he know the rules,
and is he breaking the rules? And that's
not good bratting. That's not, like, consensual bratting.
Don't recommend. But Mhmm. Is he
flouting the rules in order to get Get
one. Something? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. And just because I mean, she's
not gonna know unless he tells her, but
the thing I'm curious about is what has
changed
from all these sessions they've done in all
this time where he's followed the rules and
everything's been okay Yeah. And now he's like,
I'm just curious because what is going on?
Right. What caused things to change? And
the only
one who knows Right. Is
Yeah. I mean, the the question becomes,
is it an is
is
the the relationship they've cultivated, is it worth
it to her to go, I'm gonna talk
about it. I'm gonna see what you
you know,
do I wanna keep this or attempt to
keep this? And that's where conversation comes in.
Yeah. I mean, they don't say, but the
the feel I get from,
you know, what, the way all this is
is worded,
it's almost like it's a a professional.
I I got I've assumed it kind of
was. It was a pro situation. Yeah. Something
like that. Yeah. Definitely something more casual and
not meant to be the long term Long
term. Yeah. Kind of, you know,
relationship that way. You know, I I think
in a way,
I can understand
them getting,
you know, even after over over time Absolutely.
Yeah.
Kind of getting that little bit that connection,
that deeper Yes. Connection? That would not surprise
me at all. Mhmm. But what causes them
to do a 180 on respecting the boundaries
and then not respecting them? Right. Right. Well,
we don't get to know that part. That's
not part of the question, but I'd love
to know. Yeah. Yeah. I'd love to be
a fly on the wall for that one.
I mean, I think it comes down to
a few things. Does she feel safe with
him? Mhmm. If not,
done. However that needs to end, that's, like,
the appropriate way. Go for it. Mhmm. If
it's if there's a curiosity to know what
the hell happened here Mhmm. You know, and
or to correct behavior to get back on
track, then, yeah, absolutely have a conversation.
But that, you know, depends on how much
she wants to maintain.
Right. I mean, what what there what there
is. I mean,
you know, yeah.
You know, they they need to sit down
and
she needs to see, you know, what what's
going on. Right. You know, and and need
to have that talk. And,
you know, then at that point, need to
decide, well,
you know, if you can
respect these boundaries in terms of this Right.
This this relationship, you know, we can move
forward. If not, we have to, you know
and I, you know Cut and run. Personally,
I think it comes down to a vibe.
If she's not feeling safe or she's there's
something within her that goes, I don't even
care and or I don't trust him to
come back to maintaining boundaries,
cut your losses, move on.
Yeah. But,
you know, it's that's for me is one
of those times anytime safety is a concern.
I think this, but, you know, it's one
of those times where you don't have to
have a long drawn out conversation. You can
literally go, look, dude. I had, like, 2
fucking roles. Yeah. Right. Not only did you
not respect them, you repeatedly
did it over a session. And, you know,
somebody in the comments was like, maybe it's
bratting, and I and I could see that,
but that Mhmm. To brat,
if that is what they were doing,
without the benefit of a conversation to force
I mean, even the dom to react? Even
even that, you know, because,
you know, bratting
in of itself is
should be a consensual
Absolutely. Absolutely. Both sides need to know what
the fuck's happening. Needs to know what's going
on, and, you know, like anything else,
you know, with bratting, you know, you you
need to know what the limits are. Right.
You know? And and and yada yada yada.
And,
you know, no. Even if that's the case,
none of that was was established. The only
thing I did not see in here
and may I mean, my brain is fuzzy,
so maybe it was in here, I somehow
missed it. Was in the session,
in my mind, she should have been like,
instead of just using bondage to get his
hands away, using position, it's just gone, no.
Right. No. Right. We're not doing this. This
is not okay. And that would be my
question of why didn't
not to, like, blame a victim. I don't
want it to come across that way, but
for future reference, why why? Like, what stopped
what held her back from just saying no?
Was it a safety and fear situation? That
tells me everything. Then this is done. If
you didn't if you didn't even feel safe
Yeah. If if someone doesn't feel safe, that
definitely, that needs to But if it didn't
come
come to their mind that they could or
should, then I'm like, okay. What happened there?
What was going on in your head Yeah.
About just not telling them stop that. Back
off. Yeah. Do not touch. Whatever. Whatever. And
and again,
you know,
don't know for sure if this is like
a a pro dumb situation. It it sounds
like it. Yeah. That's how I read it.
You know, my
understanding, and I I honestly don't know
for a fact, but,
from,
you know, seeing things online different,
most of these
prods,
they usually have or, you know, when they
do
with a client,
they have other people around. Right. So that
if there's a safety concern You know, so
if there there's something that happens,
you know, they're they're kind of covered,
You know? And and again, we don't know
if that's the case. It sounds like it
to a certain extent, but, you know But
even if it wasn't, the the thing I
would tell her is, okay, in the future,
no. Just say no.
And quite frankly, the reaction to being told
no
will tell you a lot. That's all you
need to know right there. Yeah. Yeah.
So yeah. Okay.
Next one. Mhmm.
Oh, this one. This one.
Oh, okay.
Partner doesn't want to tell me what she
likes. She wants me to figure it out.
Few months ago, I, 35 male, started dating
someone, 28 female,
who has introduced me to BDSM sex for
the first time. I had no idea I
would enjoy BDSM elements until now. Now I
get it. She is also somewhat inexperienced as
she hasn't had a partner that would indulge
her in what she wants. From what little
I do know about BDSM, I know that
communication is extremely important for many reasons.
However, she is extremely resistant to talking about
it matter of factly.
She is always extremely vague to my questions
and tells me to just do what I
want.
However, I don't just want to do what
I want. I want to satisfy her as
well, and more importantly, I don't wanna do
something she doesn't actually want.
She told me there's nothing I could do
that's totally off limits, but also said she
would tell me if I did.
I also had to insist very persistently to
get her to choose a safe word, but
she always avoids talking about it and says
she just wants me to use her for
whatever I want.
All I can gather so far is that
she enjoys playing,
like sex toy servant, mild degradation, and is
quite the brat.
I'm extremely
confused because not only am I new, I
don't know if I'm supposed to be a
dom all the time or only in sessions,
and I don't know more than a couple
of specific things that really gets her off.
Seems like she's shy about talking about it
or really has a kink where she really
does just want me to have my way
with her and do what I want as
if giving me hints beforehand would ruin it.
I wonder if she thinks that I have
to ask or need guidance, then that if
I have to ask or need guidance, then
I'm not really dominating.
Should I refuse to keep playing until we
have a more in-depth discussion? How should I
handle this?
Yes. You should refuse to play it. Yep.
Yep.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.
You know,
no. Oh my yum.
That sounds like somebody
who has only read, seen, heard fantasies
Yeah. And wants to indulge the fantasy, but
does not have an understanding of Right. All
the work that goes into actually trying to
have the fantasy. You know, there there unfortunately,
too, there there is a mindset,
you know, and and it doesn't matter if
it if it's in kink world or or
non kink world. But, you know, there there
are a lot of people
in that have mindset.
Well, they should know what I want. Oh,
I know. I see that. Yeah. I Instagrammed
too close to the sun, and one of
my reels popped off, and it's the you
know, about communication.
It's so many people are like, but I
don't wanna have to tell you. Yeah. Well,
bitch, how you're gonna get what you want?
Right.
You gotta say something. Mhmm.
You know, none of us I don't I
don't give a shit who you are. None
of us are psychic. No. Alright?
I'm not gonna know what the hell is
going on in your head unless I ask
you. Right. Okay? So, you know, yeah. The
he they definitely need to cut off play.
Absolutely.
And and, you know, the the whole figuring
shit out, no. No. That's a landmine for
both. Right. Because he could stumble into something
that is traumatizing or just causes a pain
she doesn't like or something.
Or he could stumble into his own shit
and be like, oh my god. This is
horrifying. Yeah. You know? I didn't mean to
do this to another human being. I mean,
they they need to sit
down,
have a talk, do a checklist at the
very least. And so you can make a
checklist sexy of her. Yeah. The thing is
it doesn't feel sexy, and I've heard that
before. It doesn't feel sexy. Or if I
have to, oh, god. If I have to
tell you what I want, then I'm only
getting it because I told you I want
it. Yes. That is how Yeah. Things work.
That's how things kinda work. That's how life
generally works. Yeah. But that whole idea, it's
you're not dominant if I have to tell
you, oh, god.
Oh, the
oh, the toxic thinking about how to not
communicate in relationships. And it is. That that
can be very toxic
thinking. You know, in in in any aspect
of life,
be, you you know, it it's it's not
good.
So it's not. So the whole I don't
wanna have to tell you, I just want
you to figure it out or I just
want you to know or
makes me think of that idea of if
I have to tell you and you do
it because I want it, then you didn't
do it because you wanted it. Yeah.
Makes me think of the side of the
the algorithm I tend to find myself on,
the
mental health therapy
algorithm
that will do the thing kind of have
those conversations about, well, I'd. If I have
to tell you I want
you to give me flowers and you give
me flowers, then it's not meaningful
because you only gave me flowers as the
example because I told you to. And the
other person goes, yeah, yeah. You told me
there's a thing you want and I care
about you so much that even though it's
not a thing I thought of myself, I
want to give you what you want because
you being happy makes me happy.
The same fucking principle applies.
Tell
BDSM has the added layers of, like, inherent
harm and risk and trauma, but it's like,
if you tell me what you want Yeah.
And I give you what you want,
I'm doing it because giving you what you
want makes me happy because you're happy and
so I'm happy. Now there's a lot of
other reasons. I mean, come on now. But
it's
and you know what? You know what? In
my vanilla marriage and all my vanilla relationships,
I absolutely had those kinds of thoughts. But
part of that, this is the toxic relationship
stuff,
wasn't because, you know, it it was because
in other ways I was not feeling seen,
heard, or cared for by that partner. Mhmm.
And so I thought if I had to
tell you what I wanted because he was
never paying enough fucking attention anyway,
then it had less meaning. I've now learned
when you're in a grown up
relationship, when everybody's acting like fucking adults and
using their words,
that feeling is not there at all. I
want to tell you because the the joy
is you were gonna give me what I
want. Yeah. It being kinky means you're gonna
give it to me the way you wanna
give it to me, but I'm still gonna
have a good time.
But also the other thing that this kind
of attitude of I want you just to
figure it out or there's nothing you could
do that would be you know, that tells
me you only know about, like, 4 or
5 moves. You can only conceive
of 3 or 4 things that can happen
in kink because
you don't know yet enough to know how
broad
the umbrella of kink really is. We've talked
about this before. I think it was on
the Friday night munch. It's like, yeah, it
can go from a light slap on the
ass
to needles, y'all.
So
and and
even those needles don't have to be extreme
in general, but some of us would consider
that extreme because
you see, it's a spectrum of shit that
can happen. And this person can only conceive
of whatever
has come up. You know, hold me down,
handcuffs,
spank my ass. And those things are fun
and great. Mhmm.
But there could be other things that he
can think of, because now he's learning about
BDSM. And he's like, well, I'm trying to
do my homework here. Mhmm. Hey. I could,
you know, make you choke on my cock
until you vomit.
Like, I wanna choke on a cock. I
don't wanna vomit. My my limit is I'm
stopping right before I vomit.
Yeah. If he just figures it out, she's
gonna be vomiting on his cock and then
going, okay. Not only am I traumatized, I
don't wanna do that shit ever again. Like,
what? What? What? I know. I know. I
know. What?
I know. And the thing is is if
I sympathize with people who find it difficult
to say the words because when we talk
about communication, we talk about
verbalizing,
looking your partner dead in the face and
telling them the thing. That is not
is not
the only way to communicate what you what
you want or don't want. No. Write it
down. Voice or message
something. Email, like, something. Now, I I will
say Got myself hot. Sorry. There there there
is a bit of a red flag in
all this. Okay. Because he had to drag
a a safe word. Yeah. That's a little
scary. You know, that that's scary when when
someone just can't, you know, give you
a safe word.
Alright? Or doesn't want to. Like, he really
doesn't want to. You know, I mean, that
that's right up there with, you know, well,
I don't play with a safe word. Fuck.
You know? Yeah. So
I it it's the same thing, but in
reverse, so to speak. Yeah. Because But yeah.
You know, to me
that that is a red flag right there.
Well, and it's because it's one of those
things again,
you can't that person cannot conceive of how
wrong it could go and also is doesn't
know enough yet to know
that their inability
to tell their dom or top that it's
gone too far
can fuck with their dom or top and
make that person never wanna fucking do that
again either. Like, trauma can go both ways.
Mhmm.
I've gotten myself all hot and bothered. Yeah.
The other thing for anybody who would relate
to to the girlfriend going, I don't wanna
have to say it.
I think part of it is the not
knowing what you want, and that makes me
think of our number one book recommendation of
all fucking time,
Tongue Tied by Stella Harris. Because there's an
entire I think it's one, maybe more than
one chapter on
the idea of before you can communicate what
you want with your partner, you gotta fucking
figure out what you want.
And the author goes through different ways to
do that. Mhmm. But that's also work and
effort. And
I'm not I'm not gonna shit on somebody
who's like, I really don't wanna put the
effort in because, look, plenty of points in
my life where I'm like, I just don't
wanna put the effort in.
I like I I get that, but you
I love that this person is like, I'm
not doing this without
knowing what the limits are and the boundaries
are. That's
chef's kiss. Love it. The other thing is,
it sounds like maybe, and I I kinda
I hesitate to even say it because does
this person even know what this is?
They might want free use, but they have
the fantasy in their head that they just
go, do what you want. And that's the
end of it. You can do free use.
You can do consensual non consent.
All of those things
happen
after
you learn each other, you trust, you communicate.
A whole lot. A whole lot of negotiation.
Much communication and negotiation.
And that, again, that goes back to people
are thinking of the fantasy,
and they have no idea about all the
work that goes in into it. To get
to that fantasy.
And how good it can be doing small
little things that you actively have said, yes,
I would like to do that. Yeah. Yes.
That excites me and intrigues me. Me?
Yeah. I made myself hot and sweaty on
this one. You did. You did. That got
that got the blood pressure up a little
bit, I think, on you.
Okay.
Okay. Last
one. Okay.
Does BDSM
provide structure?
Title is,
innocent sounding. Let's get into this though.
As the title suggests, does getting into BDSM
provide structure to one's life? Reason behind this
is due to a worry of mine, but
I'm trying to be supportive of my partner's
choice.
The worry is that they wanna get into
BDSM to provide structure in their life,
specifically kinks that involve impact that will break
you down on a mental
level.
They want Adam to just break them and
put them back together as a way to
overcome personal issues in their life.
I won't go
oh, hold on.
The there was a typo, and now I'm
trying to decipher what they said.
I don't know what they're trying to say,
but the question is, is this really a
healthy way or better yet a good reason
to get into BDSM?
I want to be supportive in this endeavor,
but I just have my doubts if this
is right or not. So I'm asking from
those who are more knowledgeable to give me
their thoughts on the matter. So I want
the fantasy because you don't know what it
actually entails. Yeah. The b the dom to
break me down, break me, however you wanna
say it, to then build me back up
to manage the stuff that I'm going through.
And and that and that that's scary. You
know? I I
I Kink is therapeutic. It is not therapy.
Yes. Thank you.
Exactly. And and it sounds that, like, what
this person may need Right. Is is some
therapy,
you know, and not to do it through
BDSM.
No. Like, to be
and this means
something
individual to anybody who could conceive it. Mhmm.
To be broken down or broken by your
dom
can can be cathartic in ways. Mhmm. Not
necessarily. There's no universal experience people have by
that.
That catharsis
can help you
get some emotion out that you were dealing
with, can help clear your mind, can leave
you so exhausted and boneless you don't can't
think of the things going on. Yes. Yes.
Yes to all of that,
But that is no replacement for,
in the whatever ways are accessible to you,
dealing with the things that are making you
feel that way in the first place. I
I mean, you know,
the the whole thing,
does
BDSM provide
structure?
To a certain extent, yes, it does. Right.
When I saw the question, I was like,
well, yes. And I thought we were gonna
talk about power exchange and the structure of
Right. Exactly. That's that's not where we went.
It it it does. It it absolutely does,
you know, in
in a power in a power exchange sense,
absolutely. You know, but what what they're talking
about, I, you know, in a in a
sense,
there was
a time
could almost say that, you know, there were
times when I broke you. Sure. You know,
because you you you would come to me
and, you know, I I I need to
I need to cry. I need to let
it out. My skin feels itchy. Yeah. My
skin feels skin feels too
tight. And and and spank you, you know,
till you cry. Mhmm. You know? And I
don't know. Once you hit that point, then
it stops and, you know, time to bring
you back. But that was also a,
a planned situation.
It was and it was not the only
way we interacted with Impact and kink. That
was like, we had the fun stuff. We
had the sexy stuff. We had the whatever
stuff. And then Yeah. This was, like, slotted
in of, I know that this will give
me a catharsis, and that's what I'm seeking,
not that it will fix my life. Right.
And and I was and I was just
gonna caveat that with saying, you know,
but we both know that
is not going to fix anything. Right. Okay?
You know, you still
were talking to somebody Right. At the time,
you know. So yeah. No. And, you know,
the the question brings up,
you know, can you set up a situation
in a relationship,
negotiated, communicated, blah blah blah, blah,
where there is a certain
form of seining or contact with one another
where the and it it can even be
on a routine or a schedule or a,
you know, whatever
where
because maintenance spankings are a thing. Right? You
know you're gonna get this kind of
whatever they mean by being broken down. Right?
You're gonna get this kind of interaction and
in hopes that you get the catharsis or
the whatever that you're you're seeking.
Can people negotiate that and create that structure
into their physical interactions with other? Abso fucking
lutely.
But
personally,
I would not recommend a person who's not
into BDSM,
knows nothing about BDSM,
to be
asked to to be asked to do that.
Like, could you just hit me until I
cry? Don't worry about learn about BDSM. I'm
just asking you to do this thing for
me. Right? Or
being asked to go become a dom, learn
about being a dom specifically for this kind
of
play physical interaction. How I don't even wanna
call it play when it's like that because
that that's not playful and fun. That's like
that's work. Right? Mhmm.
1, it negates
everything that your partner who you're asking to
be your dom who they are, what they
might want, what they're gonna learn about BDSM
and themselves on this path. And it's setting
up that partner to literally be a kink
dispenser.
And that's like the that's the most literal
explanation of kink dispensing I've seen in a
long time.
So there's that. There's also assuming that doing
this activity or one of a handful of
activities that classifies as breaking you or breaking
you down
will work every time
because there were a few times where I
was like, yeah. I'd like to cry. I
need this catharsis. I need this this therapy
space. I need to stop feeling anxious.
And you coulda wailed on me for a
few hours. My I was not
having the response I was hoping I would
get from that because I can't you can't
control that. Control that. It's just like saying,
well, you know, I wanna go into subspace
every time. Yeah. You know, it it's not
gonna happen every time. And you can't force
it. No. No. So not only is
it not a an ethical or
risk aware way to practice kink in general
by just going break me every fucking time,
and that's the only reason you should be
doing kink. It's it's not gonna fix anything.
It's not gonna
can people use
kink or
dive into kink or explore kink
based on shit they've gone through as
as big and important as trauma to less
of that. And and there have been
some people who have. Absolutely. There's it's not
that's not what's, air quote, wrong.
It's the setting this whole scenario up to,
quote, fix somebody
and asking their partner to just be a
kink dispenser for them
and only using it for that one thing
without
going to do the actual work. Like, there's
it's
I I think Could you imagine
I'm I'm, you know, thinking about this and
listening.
I I could not even imagine
being
the the dom or the top for somebody
like that,
and
you know, I I I I don't say
this lightly at this point, you know, but
God forbid
something happens
to that person.
Regardless if it's a direct thing of something
that you are doing at the moment or
just, you know,
think of how that, you know,
because BDSM is not gonna fix anything. It's
not gonna make anything different or better. Mhmm.
Okay. Not on its own. Not on its
own. Not definitely not on its own. So,
you know,
God forbid something happens to that person. Imagine
how that top would feel, that Dom would
feel. Absolutely. There's a huge responsibility and weight
you're asking this person to bear. I'm gonna
need you to do this kinky shit to
me to to fix me. I'm gonna need
you to do those work. Break me down
and build me back up. Mhmm. I
I I don't know if it's because I'm
definitely submissive
or if it's because I'm
too literal of a thinker. I don't know.
I have always struggled
with I cannot conceive the picture my mind
of breaking down to build up. Mhmm. I
know people use it. I know people who
experience it. There have been a lot of
people that use it. I don't see it
as much anymore. Years ago, I used to
see it as a lot. Mean the just
the terminology. I mean, there are people who
they would describe what they went through as
being broken down and then built back up,
right, by their dom, by their top. I
know people have that experience. My brain
cannot
put a picture to what those words mean.
Like, I'm like, what does breaking mean? Does
breaking mean crying? Does breaking mean taking you
to the edge of your limit? And maybe
it means all of that, and that's hard
for me to conceive to. You know? What
does it mean? And then how do they
build you back up? Like, that's isn't that
a skill?
Are you built back up by their love
and support, if that's the kind of relationship
you have? Are you built back up because
they put in the hard work of helping
you
see yourself in a new light? That's a
lot to fucking ask of somebody who isn't
already your kink partner and you haven't already
established
this rapport and this relationship and whatever y'all
are to one another in kink. Like, first
of all, yeah, I'm I
I my brain is what it is and
I literally am like, what does that mean,
though?
Like, what does that look like? I need
an example.
But also if it is how I just
described it by finally thinking about it out
loud,
that's a lot to ask for somebody.
Yeah. And it's it's
can it be done ethically? Absolutely. Mhmm. This
is an unethical request. I I mean, I,
you know, I'm I have read things in
in in the media, mainstream media,
where, you know, they are
looking at things that
in some cases some cases
BDSM in conjunction with
therapy Mhmm. Has helped some people Absolutely. With
with PTSD.
Yes. I've seen that report too.
In conjunction with therapy. Right.
K. Not
And and that's more about your personal experience
with BDSM. Mhmm. As dom or sub, with
top or bottom, however you interact with it,
not
looking at your partner and going, I need
you to be the one to fix me.
Go learn all this. Bring it back
and do this abstract thing of breaking me
down and building me back up because the
conversation would have to be, what the fuck
do you mean? How do you want me
to break it? What does breaking mean to
you? And what does building up look like
or feel like? Okay. Right.
Yep.
Yeah. And it it kills me. Does BDSM
provide structure?
I don't I would not say the entire
umbrella of it Mhmm. Necessarily. But if the
question had been
about power exchange, I've been like, oh my
god. So much structure. In in in a
power exchange, it absolutely can. Right. The whole
thing can be structured. Built the right. You
know, if it's built that way, that you
that's how you want it. But yes, it's
a good idea. Saw that title, I thought
that's where we were going. Going. And it
it was it was going
We total 1.80. We took a left somewhere.
I I don't know what happened.
You as I point right.
Gosh.
Don't ask me to follow a map.
Mhmm. Okay.
So that was the last one. I told
you every one of them had some elements
in it that make you go, what the
fuck? Yeah.
This was our what the fuck BDSM.
Excuse me. Reddit Sorry, folks. Response slash reaction.
But that was the last one. Okay.
Wow.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
Yeah. Somebody somebody just said in in chat,
Kenny said, a relationship killer. You're in charge
of how I feel. Oh, god. Oh, yeah.
That's so problematic.
Like,
short term, negotiated,
in scene?
Maybe. But even then, it's it's like subspace,
and it's like drop. And it's like anything
that is happening within our brain that we
don't actually control.
We can't control any of that. Yeah.
So, yeah, that was
that was our pre Thanksgiving slash Black Friday,
depending on when you're listening to this.
Episode.
Before we go on the bonus section, just
a reminder, all the sales, all the sales
companies we like, toys we like,
our own shit.
Links are in the places.
Don't pay full price if you ain't gotta.
There you go.
Yeah.
My heart rate's up. I know. Oh, that
one. Is hot. That one kinda got me
going a little bit new. Sucked down all
my coffee, and I
am probably speaking even faster than I was
at the top.
Mhmm. So,
About the life we chose. Are we good?
I don't know. I don't know. Not for
me to say.
Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you
next week.
Toddy.
Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to the
Crickets?
Yeah. Okay.
That was the umpteenth time today where we
said a thing we have said now for
420
fucking episodes. And in the middle of it,
my brain went, wait. Are we saying this
right? Wait. Was that or is that the
right word? In midstream,
that is very frustrating because my my instinct
is to stop and correct,
but we're in it and there's a part
of my brain going, no, no, no, you
got it right. Keep going.
I think my
my little emotions sitting at the desk of
my inside out brain,
like, 4 of them are named panic.
And one of them can't tell time, read
a calendar, or know their left from their
right. Speaking of inside out, you know that
they're making that into a a series. You
know that's the 3rd time we've talked about
this. No.
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me for real? For real.
I sent him a reel,
Instagram reel,
with a little preview doololly trailer like thing
of the Inside Out
show series. That's where I saw it.
2 days after I sent that, he says
to me what you just heard. Did you
know?
They're making
an Inside Out series show, whatever, whatever. And
now, again,
who is manning the control board in your
brain?
It's short circuit.
Okay. Somebody poured, spilled their coffee on it,
didn't they? Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, you know, we we will talk a
little bit about that after this
because I I
think I'm getting a handle on what is
going on with all that with me.
Is
it the same reason,
and you don't have to say anything, that
you're
you're juggling right now? No. Oh, okay. No.
Nope. Whole different thing. A whole different thing.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Alright. So, yeah.
Podcast folks You have to. Can't see it.
I've I've been
It's a little stress stress
ball. Squeezy ball. Yeah. Because his, fidget spinner,
we learned in a concert, is loud. Loud.
Yep.
Yeah. I I also have a fidget spinner
that I play with.
Why would I have either one of these?
Mhmm.
1 week and 2 days ago
Not that not that he's counting.
1 week and
and and 2 days ago
9 days.
I I put down set down my
e cig.
We call it his whoopie. My whoopie. Yeah.
You would have to know a mister Mom
eighties movie reference to know what that is.
But if you do, you're our people. Right.
So,
you know, I I started vaping years ago
when I gave up my cigarette habit.
And and I've vaped for many years now
at this point. Mhmm.
It was probably, what, about a year and
a half ago,
cut out the nicotine? And I didn't know.
Y'all, I've been walking around here just not
knowing he wasn't on nicotine. It was a
flawless
transition. She never knew. He never noticed.
It was a flawless Never noticed. It was
a flawless transition.
So, you know, and and I kept vaping
even though it was,
you know no nicotine,
because I kind of I've always enjoyed
even though my doctor always told me, you
know, you need to quit smoking, stop smoking,
but I've always enjoyed it.
So I I came to a a point
recently. It was, like, I I need to
stop this.
It it needs to stop.
And,
I set it down,
and here I am.
Now,
what?
We've also discovered so I I I from
a
I am no expert. I am no professional.
But from, like, the psychology side of things,
because that's what fascinates me the most. Yeah.
Everything I've seen makes total sense. He's had
the physical
experience of first smoking cigarettes then using his
vape Mhmm. For literal decades. When did you
actually smoke your first cigarette? How old were
you?
I was 11. Right.
He's 60
3.
It's Yeah. Literal decades. Right? So the habit
is ingrained.
So it all makes sense that he needs
to keep his hands busy. I'm more surprised
he's not sucking on Tic Tacs, but it
you know, it's fine.
But here's
what we've both learned is just how often
he would because he would like it is
his whoobie. He would comfort hold that damn
bitch. I would just hold it in my
hand. Just walk he will fall asleep with
it in his hand, y'all. So he's used
to having something in his hands, so he
needs to keep his hands busy anytime his
brain can get quiet.
That includes when driving.
Now I'm grateful he's not doing the fidget
spinner
while driving.
No. But he does the squeezy ball. But
I I don't know if it's bumps in
the road. I don't know if it's
traffic. I don't know if it's just
whoever's running the
the switchboard in his brain, but he would
almost drop his squeezy ball while driving. Because
there are times when I have it in
my hand, I'm not just squeezing it, I
am flipping it, and I'm flipping it. And
so
when it nearly falls out of his hand
while
driving,
he has the very natural
reflex to wanna go look for it and
catch it and pick it up. And I'm
like, could you just let it drop and
I'll get it for you?
I'd like to make it to our destination
alive.
Yeah. But we did also learn that the
fidget spinner that he thought was quiet,
the man who is hard of hearing and
uses hearing aids, was telling us the volume
of something.
He's we're sitting in
the kit, the oldest concert. The oldest concert.
And it was in between
songs or movements, but it got real quiet.
Yeah.
And I stopped that shit dead. At the
same time, my head got on top of
her head. We're like, so glad this room
is dark right now. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. So squeezy ball it is. Squeezy
ball it is. Yeah. And certain certain you
know, while while I do like the the
fidget spinner,
yeah. And certain
the, the squeezy ball is is gonna be
it. It's the quietest. Yeah. But it's clearly
not the safest while he's driving down the
road.
Oh my gosh.
But he did the putting down his vape
the way he did quitting nicotine, which is
he just did it and he didn't say
anything to me.
But he
he started running around the house going to
the youngest going, do you still have your
old fidget spinner? John doesn't have a lot
in his room, but basically, he tore up
his room, couldn't find the old fidget spinner.
I'm pretty sure I remember which box it
went in for donations
a year or so ago. He comes to
me and goes, where are our squeezy balls?
We have our squeezy balls. Where are they?
And I'm like, oh. And then, like, 2
days this, and he goes, oh, Amazon order.
Can we get Fidget Spinners? I'm like, send
me the link of the one you want.
Okay. And all of this, all of this.
And he's like frantic running around. And I'm
like, I should ask, but he'll tell me,
I guess. But what? But also my brain,
I'd floated off like 30 seconds later. Anyway,
I forgot we'd had the conversation.
And finally, he comes up to me and
goes, you're probably wondering why I'm asking about
probably wondering
why I'm asking about fidget spinners and squeezy
balls. And first, I had the moment of,
wait. What? Oh, yeah. That's right. And then
I went,
oh, yeah.
And that's when he told me. But that
was quicker than me finding out he had
quit
nicotine.
I'm I'm very happy for you. I'm proud
of you. I'm gonna support you in whatever
way we can. Just please do not get
us killed on the road because you dropped
your squeezy ball.
I will I will pick it up for
you. Well It'll be a surface. I I
I will say this. Alright?
You know, yeah, I kind of but you
know what I did not do? Both both
times when that happened, my eyes never left
that road. I don't care. I'm too anxious
for that.
One of your hands, like, was no longer
and you moved and it and then the
act of moving, the steering wheel shifted just
slightly, and that would that, like,
half a degree of movement was too much
for
me. But I am also the person. Okay.
So we were a very good niece and
nephew in law. That makes me laugh. JB
is the nephew in law to my aunt
and uncle, and he is 2 to 3
years older than them.
Sure. He's their nephew.
I I
sure. We none of us mentioned that. Like,
my mother does not refer to him as
her son-in-law unless it's to make everybody uncomfortable
because they're the same age.
Age gap relationships are fascinating
and uncomfortable.
So
my aunt and uncle needed help
today
to get their vehicle that needed to go
into the body shop there
and to pick
up their rental car. Mhmm.
And my uncle, for reasons, is not driving
right now, and my aunt does not usually
drive. But she has been driving while my
uncle is unable
to drive. But my aunt has vision issues.
Now they are better after multiple surgeries, but
she has no peripheral vision.
Like, it's a tunnel. I say I have
no peripheral vision, but mostly because I'm really
not paying attention.
She is, like, shuttered. Like, she only can
see straight. But she drives.
They're adults. We've offered. They're gonna do what
they wanna do. I can't make them do
shit.
So
because it was a 2 vehicle situation, she
needed help.
She thought
that what would happen is my uncle would
ride with John.
John,
I had to call you that earlier, and
it slipped out. I would ride with JB
in the vehicle to go to the place,
and I would ride with my aunt. And
I I'm not an assertive person
in many situations
with many people. I'm too much of a
people pleaser.
But my anxiety will sometimes take over and
speak for me. And I said, oh, I'm
not riding in the car if you're driving,
and it's just the 2 of us. I
I will ride with you driving if I
can sit in the back seat and not
look at the road. But if you need
navigation,
I'm I'm not riding with you. Yeah. And
I felt bad because I think I kinda
hurt her feelings, but I was like,
I am too anxious. I am already a
really bad passenger.
You don't want me to be anxious. And
I and didn't say this to her. I
remember how you drove when you did have
your full sight.
It was terrifying. It was great to 8
year old me who thought it was really
cool that we were racing the old people
down the highway.
Adult me is well aware of how bad
that could go not doing it. I'm gonna
stay with my comfort person. His name is
JB.
He can drive me anywhere. I just drive
him crazy.
And until he drops his squeezy ball, it
scares the shit out of me.
Well, you know, the thing I found funny
about all this, you know, I've had no
problem helping helping them. No. No. I'm happy
to wish we they would let us help
them more. More. You know? Yeah. So that
she was not driving around because there there
there's some things that have been going on.
I've been scratching my head, and, like, why
are they doing that?
But, anyway, you know, their their,
at least, her
plan for
the morning was,
very convoluted.
Oh, it involved 3 vehicles.
Yeah.
And and
going back to their house twice, I think.
That was my I added that convolution. She
thought we were gonna take 3 vehicles to
go well, 2 vehicles to go pick up
1, then it would be 3 vehicles to
go drop off the 1. We were like,
no. We don't Like, no. We're not gonna
do that. No. No. But I think I
did hurt her feelings because I was like,
I I love you so much. If you're
driving, I'm not riding. Not front seat, not
navigator. Because she would not have known how
to get from where they picked up the
rental
to the body shop place without either following
JB, which is what they did, or having
somebody to navigate for her. And I was
like, I can't I can't be forced to
pay attention to the road while you're driving.
If I can't sit in the back seat
with my face in my phone, I can't
do it.
I'll let her in. So
yeah. It meant for it made for a
very early morning.
And I they they asked last week because
it was an appointment thing with their insurance,
and I was fascinated by that because I
have the same insurance they have. And when
we had an accident and needed, like, body
work done or whatever, it was not an
appointment thing. They were, like, wild west out
there. Go find you a body shop. Yeah.
But,
they asked last week, but they said, oh,
we might not need your help, but we'll
let you know. And when we didn't hear
anything by, like, midday Tuesday, we were both
like, oh, maybe they don't need our help.
Because as I complained about in the butt
rub section to the livestream,
we are in
Black Friday
panic mode right now.
And so we're like, okay. Maybe they won't
need us Wednesday morning. They needed us Wednesday
morning. So Tuesday evening, my aunt passed out
after dinner last night. Right. Right. And we
are planners at this house, so that was
that felt like cutting it close to us.
So my my aunt's telling me what they
need in the times, and I said
I'm like, okay. Well, we're here to help
and we can help. I was like, but
and normally, when we all get together, it's
like a 2 or 3 hour on top
of whatever the time. I said, we will
be moving with purpose on Wednesday because we
have to get back home
to get stuff ready. And the nice thing
is
they know we work in, air quote, adult
stuff.
But as I explained to my aunt, do
not ask what you do not want to
know because you can't unknow if I tell
you.
So all I have to do is say
Black Friday and everybody in the family gets
it because everybody's worked retail at some point.
So that they respected it. But they I
think they thought we were joking
because
we did the drive through to get coffee.
We get back to their house. We never
even we walked out of the garage to
our car as they're trying to walk in.
And they're like, oh, you don't wanna come
in? We're like, nope. Yeah. Nope. We don't
have time. We love you so much. We
were glad to be able to help. But
we got so much work to do. We
gotta go.
We gotta go. Yeah. So yeah.
But, yeah, that was The last 2 nights,
you you've been working
late. I've been doing a candle
restock for Black Friday. Yep. Yep. Yep. And
I don't I think I only said it
in the butt rub for the the live
stream, so podcast listeners, I'm adding a new
color.
Green wax play candles. Yeah. It's a pretty
green too. Mhmm. Mhmm.
Mhmm. But, yeah, last night, I made 60
candles.
Mhmm.
JB sent me a reel, which led to
a purchase of my very first ever wax
melter. And, see, serious candle makers would know
about wax melters. I kind of knew about
them, but I didn't know you could get
them in, like,
small size. I thought you could only do,
like, industrial. And I was like, I don't
have room for industrial nor money.
So I've got my very first wax melter,
and I'm in love with it, but I
keep also calling it it's wax melter. I
keep saying
Max Welter.
I don't know how many times I've said
Max Welter.
I did think today that's a great name
for a character.
TV show, book, whatever whatever.
If you're looking for the name for a
character you're writing,
go for it. Max Welter, I give it
to you for free. That, would be,
what, Max Headroom's relative?
Anyway,
yeah. Yeah. So I think I I hurt
I think I hurt my aunt's feelings.
But, look, we arrived live to all the
the destinations.
It was great. It was great.
I also learned that
JB had not known of a shortcut to
get from a certain point on the road
to where the Starbucks is. I thought he
had to take this long windy way. And
he goes, I just learned about no. He
said, we just learned about it the other
day. I went, there's no we here.
I've known for literal years. Right?
And I'm sitting there with all of, like,
my what the fuck kind of energy this
morning going, who am I? What is wrong
with me? And I don't know if it
was lack of sleep or if the hanger
was creeping in. We did not eat breakfast
till almost 10 o'clock. Yeah. If the hanger
was starting to creep in, and I just
didn't realize it. Because I was telling everybody
what I thought.
And that's Yeah.
I I usually reserve that energy for y'all.
I don't usually do that to my family.
It was bubbling over this morning. It was
bubbling over. Yep. No. Yep.
So anyway Mhmm.
We're good. We're crazed. It it's the good
kinda crazy.
It's the kinda crazy we tell ourselves every
year. We will be better prepared for this
next year. We are never, in fact, better
prepared for it. Never are. We never are.
The plan, the goal is to not have
to do work on Thursday for Thanksgiving. Yeah.
Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate. Mhmm.
But
at this point, I don't know. It might
still be midnight, and I'll be like, I
need to take another picture.
I gotta edit another picture.
I gotta post another thing.
Mhmm. So
And I have just been making, making, making.
I know. I know. And hopefully, people like
what we make. Yep. That's the the ultimate,
like, if you're
a person who's makes a thing and sells
it, that's
like, oh my god. I've I've we've spent
time and money on this. Will anybody like
this?
Mhmm.
And they can't all be winners y'all, and
we've had some duds. Yep. So
yeah. Mhmm. But
we're gonna stop doing this now. Yeah.
So we can go do that. We could
we gotta go back to work.
I'm also hot, so I need to get
out of the warm clothes I put on
because it was cold this morning.
Florida cold, y'all. Florida cold. Not actual cold.
Mhmm.
The dog is good. She's been a menace
today. This weather that we've had where it's
been actually chilly and very pleasant and even,
dare I say, cold for Florida,
she does not know how to act. No.
She goes in and out more often. If
I if she would use a doggy door,
we'd open the dog, and she's not gonna
use a doggy door. We've tried.
In and out, in and out all damn
day. Yeah. I'm like, girl, I just wanna
sit for a minute. Mhmm. Cats are menaces
as usual. Yep. So,
yeah. Same same but a different guy. Yep.
All is good.
So on that note, we're gonna Mhmm. We're
gonna go. So thanks for being here with
us. Yeah. Especially to the bitter end. Okay.
That's all we got. Mhmm. Okay. Okay. Bye.
Bye.