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You're listening to to the loving BDSM

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podcast.

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Lola's here, if you didn't know. Kayla, it's

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here with the one, the only, the my

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personal favorite grumpy daddy, John Brownstone.

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There are other grumpy daddies out there, but

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you're my favorite.

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Well, I would hope. Right. Right. I mean,

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that's all that really matters.

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This week, we're answering a question from a

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kinkster who's learned not to come on too

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strong when they meet submissives, but sometimes submissives

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start using honorifics with them before they've ever

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even had a conversation

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about it. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.

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If you're new here, we help kinksters like

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you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add

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the podcast to your favorite podcast app so

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you never miss an episode. And if you'd

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like us to answer your question in a

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future one of these, just use our contact

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page literally called ask your questions. It's available

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on our website at loving BDSM dot net.

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That's loving BDSM dot net. Or you can

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find the link in the show notes. Okay.

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Let's get into the question. Okay. When I

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first started exploring, I used to start off

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chats with submissives with my kind of expectations

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and quickly learned that not only does this

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come off really intense, but also demanding. Things

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like titles and rules

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obviously is not something to do right off

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the bat. You guys actually helped me

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learn that. Thank you. You're welcome. But I've

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noticed that a lot of subs will still

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call me sir when we chat even though

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I have not asked them to or we

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have not discussed it yet.

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Should I say something about this? Or since

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they're doing it willingly, is it alright to

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just let it happen and not

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and not really take it further

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until further discussions have happened?

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Lola would like to put her 2¢ in.

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I think this is gonna be one of

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those episodes. Yes. Yep.

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Alright. So an interesting question. Mhmm. And,

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one I kind of have a little bit

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of experience with.

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You know,

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kinda learning

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the whole thing. I'm I'm glad, you know,

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coming off

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too intense in the beginning to jump right

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in with, you know, expectations and everything.

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Yeah. That can be a little much.

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Now, as for the,

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being called sir,

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that is really kind of a personal

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preference.

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Some people

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like it, expect it. Some

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people, unless they're in a dynamic, they don't

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want to be called,

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you know, any kind of

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of title.

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So,

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you know, if it is something that you

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do not like, that you don't feel

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comfortable with,

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those are boundaries you need to set with

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with the person that you're chatting with.

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You know, I've I've done that, and, you

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know, I've, like,

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had people, even at munches, that I didn't

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really know call me sir. And, you know,

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I

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told them, please please don't do that. You

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know, I'm not

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your sir.

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You're dumb.

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You know,

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they they respected the boundaries. One person did,

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tell me that they,

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they did it out of respect,

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just, you know, which which may be the

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case. Some, you know, a lot of subs

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do

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will do that, you know,

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out of out of respect. But if it

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makes you feel uncomfortable,

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that is definitely a boundary

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that you can set. Just like there are

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subs who don't like pet names

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from somebody that they're not in the dynamic

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with, which, you know, totally understand that too,

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you know, but you need you need to

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let those boundaries be known. Mhmm.

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So

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I I agree completely.

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The thing all you have to do is

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look within and go, am I comfortable with

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this? Yeah. Decide for yourself.

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The other thing I would add though, there

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are plenty of

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new to new ish

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submissives

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who get told by the wrong person that

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this is the expectation.

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Right?

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So

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when you're having a conversation

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with somebody and they're new to you and

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they just started out and you haven't had

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the conversation about this,

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take a beat and go, hey. Do you

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know you don't have to call me that?

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Did like, has anybody ever told you, like,

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you you can if you want if assuming

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you are comfortable with it. Like, you could

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say I'm comfortable with it. If you're comfortable

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with it, that's fine. But do you know

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you don't have to? Because there are gonna

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be plenty of submissives who have,

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talked to the wrong person,

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read the wrong,

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Twitter thread,

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had a little too much,

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smut in their Kindle,

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and they're gonna think that that is somehow

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an expectation and it should not be an

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expectation. If, you know, I

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I did not know I was like this,

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but I

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get a little

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there's a I'm not a fan when somebody

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unprompted calls my daddy

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any kind of honorific

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without it being negotiated. If he's negotiated and

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I don't care. It's no like the only

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thing I've asked is I would prefer you

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not to be daddy to anybody else.

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And it hasn't been an issue that we've

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had to deal with. But,

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you know, I'm personally not a fan, but

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I do understand where it comes from. And

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if you're okay with it, go for it.

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Now something that you brought up is not

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in this question, but it is the well,

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I say that out of a as a

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sign of respect. Yeah. And I have heard

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people say that I am southern. Like, that's

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that was how I was raised. If I

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perceive you as older than me or in

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a higher position of authority or

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even if we're at the kind of the

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no. Not the same age. That would be

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weird to me. I'm probably gonna use sir

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and ma'am until I hear otherwise. It's a

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it's a default because many of us got

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our butts smacked and we were not considered

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polite.

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But that should also not be a

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a

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that should be something that I think gets

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unlearned in the kink community

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because words sometimes have different connotations and meanings

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to different people. That's true. Like, I can

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understand in an abstract way if somebody who

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probably was raised similarly to me

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sees John Brownstone as, like, oh, he's older

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than me. I should say sir, but this

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is kink.

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The sir means something to some of us.

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So

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just be careful. Also,

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sometimes there's a presumption of gender or being

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okay with gender specific, air quote that, terms

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that somebody

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might not have. So

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if you yourself are are in the habit

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of just using honorifics

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based on what maybe you think you know

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about a person,

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go ahead and stop doing that and ask

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if it's okay. It's a consent thing. Like

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this person who said the question

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doesn't seem to care that much. Mhmm. They

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see a little bit of the, hey, wait.

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It's not right if I do it, but

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Yeah. Is it okay? It's, air quote, okay

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if everybody involved is okay with it. Right.

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But I do think it's worth a little

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introspection to say, wait. Don't, you know, let's

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dom,

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the the dom may hate the term sir

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or ma'am or this or that. That might

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not be how they see themselves as a

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dominant. That's true. So it's it's both sides

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of the slash needing to

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just I know you wanna say proceed with

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caution. Just

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just ask. This is a great way to

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practice your

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clear direct communication skills and negotiation.

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Yeah. I would like to call you this.

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Is that okay with you? Done. It doesn't

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have to be awkward. It doesn't have to

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be weird.

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But then you're not, you know, assuming anything

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about the person you're talking to. True. True.

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So, yeah. For the person asking the question,

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if you're cool with it,

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it's fine. It's, you know, your personal thing.

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I do still recommend double checking to make

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sure they know they don't have to. Correct.

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But also if you're on the other end

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of this, if your quote default is to,

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you know, every male dom you talk to,

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just automatically call them sir every and again,

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perceived

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male dom, female dom to

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just

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unless they've put it somewhere specific, read bios.

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If you're responding to something they've posted on

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the Internet where they've said this, that's fine.

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Yeah. But until you know,

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just ask.

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Like, hey. I think you're cool. Hey. I'd

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like to talk to you. How should I

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address you? What's the what's the right way?

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Mhmm. And then then you then you've opened

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up a conversation. It's true. True.

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So

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that being said,

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if a complete and total stranger,

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Dom,

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demands to be called a specific honorific,

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maybe

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maybe give that a little side eye. Mhmm.

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But also Yep. You know, it's

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it's ultimately fine if there's a conversation and

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communication

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and even a little blip of negotiation.

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Mhmm. It it's fine as long as everybody

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agrees. True, true. Mhmm. There you go.

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Thanks for listening to this week's q and

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a episode. If you want us to answer

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one of your questions, just use the contact

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page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,

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or you can find the link in the

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show notes. Big thanks as always to our

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kinky community over

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Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and

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keep it going and help kinksters due to

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your support. If you'd like to be part

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of our community and get access to extra

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content and a Discord server with a group

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of super cool, super nice kinksters, you can

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do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kayla

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lords. That's patreon.com/kayla

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lords, or use the link in the show

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notes.