You're listening to to the loving BDSM
podcast.
Lola's here, if you didn't know. Kayla, it's
here with the one, the only, the my
personal favorite grumpy daddy, John Brownstone.
There are other grumpy daddies out there, but
you're my favorite.
Well, I would hope. Right. Right. I mean,
that's all that really matters.
This week, we're answering a question from a
kinkster who's learned not to come on too
strong when they meet submissives, but sometimes submissives
start using honorifics with them before they've ever
even had a conversation
about it. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.
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That's loving BDSM dot net. Or you can
find the link in the show notes. Okay.
Let's get into the question. Okay. When I
first started exploring, I used to start off
chats with submissives with my kind of expectations
and quickly learned that not only does this
come off really intense, but also demanding. Things
like titles and rules
obviously is not something to do right off
the bat. You guys actually helped me
learn that. Thank you. You're welcome. But I've
noticed that a lot of subs will still
call me sir when we chat even though
I have not asked them to or we
have not discussed it yet.
Should I say something about this? Or since
they're doing it willingly, is it alright to
just let it happen and not
and not really take it further
until further discussions have happened?
Lola would like to put her 2¢ in.
I think this is gonna be one of
those episodes. Yes. Yep.
Alright. So an interesting question. Mhmm. And,
one I kind of have a little bit
of experience with.
You know,
kinda learning
the whole thing. I'm I'm glad, you know,
coming off
too intense in the beginning to jump right
in with, you know, expectations and everything.
Yeah. That can be a little much.
Now, as for the,
being called sir,
that is really kind of a personal
preference.
Some people
like it, expect it. Some
people, unless they're in a dynamic, they don't
want to be called,
you know, any kind of
of title.
So,
you know, if it is something that you
do not like, that you don't feel
comfortable with,
those are boundaries you need to set with
with the person that you're chatting with.
You know, I've I've done that, and, you
know, I've, like,
had people, even at munches, that I didn't
really know call me sir. And, you know,
I
told them, please please don't do that. You
know, I'm not
your sir.
You're dumb.
You know,
they they respected the boundaries. One person did,
tell me that they,
they did it out of respect,
just, you know, which which may be the
case. Some, you know, a lot of subs
do
will do that, you know,
out of out of respect. But if it
makes you feel uncomfortable,
that is definitely a boundary
that you can set. Just like there are
subs who don't like pet names
from somebody that they're not in the dynamic
with, which, you know, totally understand that too,
you know, but you need you need to
let those boundaries be known. Mhmm.
So
I I agree completely.
The thing all you have to do is
look within and go, am I comfortable with
this? Yeah. Decide for yourself.
The other thing I would add though, there
are plenty of
new to new ish
submissives
who get told by the wrong person that
this is the expectation.
Right?
So
when you're having a conversation
with somebody and they're new to you and
they just started out and you haven't had
the conversation about this,
take a beat and go, hey. Do you
know you don't have to call me that?
Did like, has anybody ever told you, like,
you you can if you want if assuming
you are comfortable with it. Like, you could
say I'm comfortable with it. If you're comfortable
with it, that's fine. But do you know
you don't have to? Because there are gonna
be plenty of submissives who have,
talked to the wrong person,
read the wrong,
Twitter thread,
had a little too much,
smut in their Kindle,
and they're gonna think that that is somehow
an expectation and it should not be an
expectation. If, you know, I
I did not know I was like this,
but I
get a little
there's a I'm not a fan when somebody
unprompted calls my daddy
any kind of honorific
without it being negotiated. If he's negotiated and
I don't care. It's no like the only
thing I've asked is I would prefer you
not to be daddy to anybody else.
And it hasn't been an issue that we've
had to deal with. But,
you know, I'm personally not a fan, but
I do understand where it comes from. And
if you're okay with it, go for it.
Now something that you brought up is not
in this question, but it is the well,
I say that out of a as a
sign of respect. Yeah. And I have heard
people say that I am southern. Like, that's
that was how I was raised. If I
perceive you as older than me or in
a higher position of authority or
even if we're at the kind of the
no. Not the same age. That would be
weird to me. I'm probably gonna use sir
and ma'am until I hear otherwise. It's a
it's a default because many of us got
our butts smacked and we were not considered
polite.
But that should also not be a
a
that should be something that I think gets
unlearned in the kink community
because words sometimes have different connotations and meanings
to different people. That's true. Like, I can
understand in an abstract way if somebody who
probably was raised similarly to me
sees John Brownstone as, like, oh, he's older
than me. I should say sir, but this
is kink.
The sir means something to some of us.
So
just be careful. Also,
sometimes there's a presumption of gender or being
okay with gender specific, air quote that, terms
that somebody
might not have. So
if you yourself are are in the habit
of just using honorifics
based on what maybe you think you know
about a person,
go ahead and stop doing that and ask
if it's okay. It's a consent thing. Like
this person who said the question
doesn't seem to care that much. Mhmm. They
see a little bit of the, hey, wait.
It's not right if I do it, but
Yeah. Is it okay? It's, air quote, okay
if everybody involved is okay with it. Right.
But I do think it's worth a little
introspection to say, wait. Don't, you know, let's
dom,
the the dom may hate the term sir
or ma'am or this or that. That might
not be how they see themselves as a
dominant. That's true. So it's it's both sides
of the slash needing to
just I know you wanna say proceed with
caution. Just
just ask. This is a great way to
practice your
clear direct communication skills and negotiation.
Yeah. I would like to call you this.
Is that okay with you? Done. It doesn't
have to be awkward. It doesn't have to
be weird.
But then you're not, you know, assuming anything
about the person you're talking to. True. True.
So, yeah. For the person asking the question,
if you're cool with it,
it's fine. It's, you know, your personal thing.
I do still recommend double checking to make
sure they know they don't have to. Correct.
But also if you're on the other end
of this, if your quote default is to,
you know, every male dom you talk to,
just automatically call them sir every and again,
perceived
male dom, female dom to
just
unless they've put it somewhere specific, read bios.
If you're responding to something they've posted on
the Internet where they've said this, that's fine.
Yeah. But until you know,
just ask.
Like, hey. I think you're cool. Hey. I'd
like to talk to you. How should I
address you? What's the what's the right way?
Mhmm. And then then you then you've opened
up a conversation. It's true. True.
So
that being said,
if a complete and total stranger,
Dom,
demands to be called a specific honorific,
maybe
maybe give that a little side eye. Mhmm.
But also Yep. You know, it's
it's ultimately fine if there's a conversation and
communication
and even a little blip of negotiation.
Mhmm. It it's fine as long as everybody
agrees. True, true. Mhmm. There you go.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,
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