1 00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:13,275 You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast. Kayla 2 00:00:13,275 --> 00:00:15,535 Lords here with the one, the only, the, 3 00:00:16,875 --> 00:00:19,375 I only believe your serious look, 4 00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:22,314 when I've done something to warrant it. John 5 00:00:22,314 --> 00:00:22,814 Brownstone. 6 00:00:24,714 --> 00:00:26,870 I'm not. Your playful, serious look make makes 7 00:00:26,870 --> 00:00:28,170 me giggle. I'm sorry. 8 00:00:29,670 --> 00:00:32,789 You're like the dom look, registered trademark? Yeah. 9 00:00:32,789 --> 00:00:34,070 Yeah. No. No. That that makes me a 10 00:00:34,070 --> 00:00:36,090 little nervous in in the way I like. 11 00:00:38,950 --> 00:00:40,954 But your silly one just makes me me 12 00:00:41,255 --> 00:00:43,015 laugh. I try. Maybe that's what I was 13 00:00:43,015 --> 00:00:44,695 going for too. You know? Hey. I'm I'm 14 00:00:44,695 --> 00:00:46,535 here for laughing and being made to laugh. 15 00:00:46,535 --> 00:00:48,635 Right. That's not what we're talking about. Although, 16 00:00:48,695 --> 00:00:50,475 the need to laugh and wanting to laugh 17 00:00:51,815 --> 00:00:53,450 is somewhere in the realm of this topic, 18 00:00:53,450 --> 00:00:55,929 I guess, sorta, kinda squint your eyes. What 19 00:00:55,929 --> 00:00:57,929 we are talking about is this week, we're 20 00:00:57,929 --> 00:00:59,850 answering a question from a kinkster who's not 21 00:00:59,850 --> 00:01:01,210 sure how to talk about their mental health 22 00:01:01,210 --> 00:01:03,210 with a potential partner or if they're even 23 00:01:03,210 --> 00:01:05,770 ready to meet someone yet. Welcome to the 24 00:01:05,770 --> 00:01:08,034 Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, help 25 00:01:08,034 --> 00:01:09,954 kinksters like you have. Happy, healthy power exchange 26 00:01:09,954 --> 00:01:12,275 relationships. Add the podcast your favorite podcast app 27 00:01:12,275 --> 00:01:13,734 so you never miss an episode. 28 00:01:14,515 --> 00:01:16,275 And if you would like us to answer 29 00:01:16,275 --> 00:01:17,334 one of your questions, 30 00:01:17,875 --> 00:01:19,555 use the link in the show notes or 31 00:01:19,555 --> 00:01:20,775 on our website, lovingbdsm.net. 32 00:01:22,579 --> 00:01:25,000 It's literally labeled ask your questions. So 33 00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:28,099 in the show notes or at our website, 34 00:01:28,099 --> 00:01:28,599 lovingbdsm.net. 35 00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:32,500 Okay. Let's get into the question. K. My 36 00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:34,579 question is, as someone wanting to start a 37 00:01:34,579 --> 00:01:36,805 dynamic or before I even attempt to get 38 00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:38,885 to know a dom, how do I navigate 39 00:01:38,885 --> 00:01:40,724 talking about my mental health and the place 40 00:01:40,724 --> 00:01:42,564 that I'm in? Or better yet, how do 41 00:01:42,564 --> 00:01:44,165 I know I'm in a good place to 42 00:01:44,165 --> 00:01:46,724 even try? Long story short, I'm recovering from 43 00:01:46,724 --> 00:01:48,805 a burnout period. I got diagnosed with depression 44 00:01:48,805 --> 00:01:51,569 and I've been receiving counseling and among other 45 00:01:51,790 --> 00:01:53,709 things. I have family problems, but who doesn't? 46 00:01:53,709 --> 00:01:55,390 And I guess I'm worried that I might 47 00:01:55,390 --> 00:01:57,869 cause harm to a potential play partner or 48 00:01:57,869 --> 00:01:59,629 person I'm in a dynamic with if I'm 49 00:01:59,629 --> 00:02:00,849 not okay. 50 00:02:01,390 --> 00:02:03,069 I realize that the term okay is relative 51 00:02:03,069 --> 00:02:04,509 and not a set idea or thought, but 52 00:02:04,509 --> 00:02:05,944 I also know that I don't want to 53 00:02:05,944 --> 00:02:06,685 ever utilize 54 00:02:06,984 --> 00:02:09,224 a dom as a tool. They're people too, 55 00:02:09,224 --> 00:02:11,224 and I don't ever want to intentionally or 56 00:02:11,224 --> 00:02:14,185 unintentionally cause a person harm. So overall, I'm 57 00:02:14,185 --> 00:02:16,504 asking, if I'm still healing, what's the best 58 00:02:16,504 --> 00:02:18,185 way to go about meeting a dom, building 59 00:02:18,185 --> 00:02:20,099 a dynamic with them, or should I hold 60 00:02:20,099 --> 00:02:22,099 off for now? Also, how much do I 61 00:02:22,099 --> 00:02:23,620 have to let them know at the start 62 00:02:23,620 --> 00:02:25,139 because I don't want a trauma dump on 63 00:02:25,139 --> 00:02:26,360 them either? Mhmm. 64 00:02:28,900 --> 00:02:29,400 So 65 00:02:29,780 --> 00:02:30,280 that's 66 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,504 quite a bit in a little bit. Mhmm. 67 00:02:33,884 --> 00:02:34,384 So, 68 00:02:36,525 --> 00:02:37,965 I think the best way to go about 69 00:02:37,965 --> 00:02:40,125 it if you're going, you know, to do 70 00:02:40,125 --> 00:02:40,625 this, 71 00:02:41,805 --> 00:02:42,625 start slow. 72 00:02:43,340 --> 00:02:45,680 Start with friendship. Yeah. Start start with friendship. 73 00:02:46,060 --> 00:02:46,719 You know, 74 00:02:47,579 --> 00:02:49,259 I think try not to go into it 75 00:02:49,259 --> 00:02:51,039 as a looking at it as a potential 76 00:02:51,579 --> 00:02:52,079 thing. 77 00:02:52,379 --> 00:02:53,979 Like, you mean a dynamic? Like I mean, 78 00:02:53,979 --> 00:02:55,199 dynamic or relationship, 79 00:02:55,819 --> 00:02:56,479 you know. 80 00:02:56,780 --> 00:02:58,719 Yeah. You know, start off as friendship. 81 00:02:59,245 --> 00:03:01,324 And, you know, as for when to tell 82 00:03:01,324 --> 00:03:03,805 them, I think that's I don't think there's, 83 00:03:03,805 --> 00:03:04,865 like, any set 84 00:03:05,165 --> 00:03:05,665 time. 85 00:03:07,324 --> 00:03:09,104 You know, but I I think 86 00:03:09,405 --> 00:03:10,705 it's one of those things 87 00:03:11,050 --> 00:03:12,990 that you don't wanna do it too soon. 88 00:03:13,129 --> 00:03:15,449 Right. And you don't wanna wait too long 89 00:03:15,449 --> 00:03:15,949 either. 90 00:03:16,810 --> 00:03:17,310 And 91 00:03:17,770 --> 00:03:19,870 finding that middle ground is is 92 00:03:20,330 --> 00:03:21,229 can be tough. 93 00:03:22,090 --> 00:03:22,590 But 94 00:03:23,050 --> 00:03:24,754 I think you have 95 00:03:25,614 --> 00:03:28,254 to base it on, 1, your feelings about 96 00:03:28,254 --> 00:03:28,754 it 97 00:03:29,134 --> 00:03:31,694 from meeting this person and and, you know, 98 00:03:31,694 --> 00:03:34,514 talking to them. And also how you, 99 00:03:34,894 --> 00:03:36,194 you know, not 100 00:03:37,229 --> 00:03:38,669 okay. I know what I'm trying to go 101 00:03:38,669 --> 00:03:40,189 for here, but I'm not finding the right 102 00:03:40,189 --> 00:03:40,689 word. 103 00:03:41,949 --> 00:03:43,870 You know, I I think you can kind 104 00:03:43,870 --> 00:03:44,930 of feel 105 00:03:45,389 --> 00:03:46,129 feel out, 106 00:03:47,629 --> 00:03:49,504 a little bit how the person may react, 107 00:03:49,805 --> 00:03:52,444 you know, after a few times getting to 108 00:03:52,444 --> 00:03:54,604 know them, you know, and and and then 109 00:03:54,604 --> 00:03:55,584 talk about it. 110 00:03:56,364 --> 00:03:58,444 Mhmm. So I think I think many things. 111 00:03:58,444 --> 00:03:59,185 This this 112 00:03:59,564 --> 00:04:02,444 set of questions got the gears grinding in 113 00:04:02,444 --> 00:04:03,150 my brain. 114 00:04:04,030 --> 00:04:05,169 So first of all, 115 00:04:06,110 --> 00:04:07,729 you don't need to tell 116 00:04:08,030 --> 00:04:09,729 a potential dom or play partner 117 00:04:10,269 --> 00:04:12,430 anything when you first meet them. That first 118 00:04:12,430 --> 00:04:14,829 conversation online, that first time at the lunch 119 00:04:14,829 --> 00:04:16,350 together, that first time on a date, like, 120 00:04:16,350 --> 00:04:17,324 how however you do 121 00:04:18,205 --> 00:04:20,605 this, is about getting to know you on 122 00:04:20,605 --> 00:04:23,485 a basic level, sort of a do is 123 00:04:23,485 --> 00:04:25,485 the vibe right? Do we even wanna be 124 00:04:25,485 --> 00:04:28,064 around one another? And so there's no need 125 00:04:28,125 --> 00:04:30,845 to tell them anything about your mental health 126 00:04:30,845 --> 00:04:32,365 or what you've been through or the stuff 127 00:04:32,365 --> 00:04:33,300 you're going through 128 00:04:33,779 --> 00:04:36,039 right away. If it 129 00:04:36,579 --> 00:04:39,000 makes sense for the situation you're in to 130 00:04:39,060 --> 00:04:39,879 mention something, 131 00:04:40,419 --> 00:04:42,259 feel free if you feel comfortable, but there's 132 00:04:42,259 --> 00:04:43,159 no need to. 133 00:04:44,419 --> 00:04:44,919 Also, 134 00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:47,845 play partner or dom, 135 00:04:48,384 --> 00:04:50,785 whoever you're getting to know, like like we 136 00:04:50,785 --> 00:04:52,785 said earlier, start off with the idea that 137 00:04:52,785 --> 00:04:53,764 you're going to 138 00:04:54,144 --> 00:04:55,044 start with friendship. 139 00:04:56,625 --> 00:04:58,064 Part of it is because that takes the 140 00:04:58,064 --> 00:04:59,764 pressure off of everybody 141 00:05:00,225 --> 00:05:02,560 of what you ultimately wanna accomplish. 142 00:05:02,939 --> 00:05:05,660 And, also, it gives you the time to 143 00:05:05,660 --> 00:05:07,819 figure out if you even like this person 144 00:05:07,819 --> 00:05:09,500 yet and if you even wanna be around 145 00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:10,000 them 146 00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:12,379 and do the hard work of developing the 147 00:05:12,379 --> 00:05:13,439 trust to 148 00:05:13,740 --> 00:05:16,404 engage with them in that way. Right? Whether 149 00:05:16,404 --> 00:05:19,285 it's for a scene or it's for a 150 00:05:19,285 --> 00:05:20,345 power exchange dynamic. 151 00:05:22,404 --> 00:05:23,384 So there's that. 152 00:05:24,164 --> 00:05:25,685 How do you know when you're ready to 153 00:05:25,685 --> 00:05:26,425 meet somebody? 154 00:05:27,685 --> 00:05:29,329 Only you can answer Yeah. 155 00:05:30,209 --> 00:05:31,970 My basis of how do I know I'm 156 00:05:31,970 --> 00:05:33,729 ready to do a hard thing when I 157 00:05:33,729 --> 00:05:36,149 can't stop thinking about it, when I'm imagining 158 00:05:36,289 --> 00:05:37,889 doing it, when I can kind of go, 159 00:05:37,889 --> 00:05:39,089 I think it would go like this or 160 00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:40,289 I think I would do that. Even if 161 00:05:40,289 --> 00:05:41,970 that's not at all what happens in reality, 162 00:05:41,970 --> 00:05:44,004 but my mind is coming up with the 163 00:05:44,004 --> 00:05:46,084 different scenarios because I can't stop thinking about 164 00:05:46,084 --> 00:05:48,185 it. That tends to be 165 00:05:48,644 --> 00:05:49,545 when you're probably 166 00:05:50,084 --> 00:05:52,105 the readiest you might ever be. 167 00:05:52,805 --> 00:05:54,884 Just because you're ready to meet somebody does 168 00:05:54,884 --> 00:05:57,439 not mean you will meet anybody. You may 169 00:05:57,500 --> 00:05:59,020 spend a lot of time online or go 170 00:05:59,020 --> 00:06:00,620 to a lot of workshops or go to 171 00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:02,939 a lot of munches. However you're hoping to 172 00:06:02,939 --> 00:06:03,680 meet people, 173 00:06:04,139 --> 00:06:06,720 you might do that multiple times and not 174 00:06:06,779 --> 00:06:09,020 meet anybody beyond I'm willing to have a 175 00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:09,520 conversation 176 00:06:10,064 --> 00:06:11,824 with them. Or I like them as a 177 00:06:11,824 --> 00:06:13,665 person, but we do not align in kink. 178 00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:16,545 Like, submissives making friends with other submissives who 179 00:06:16,545 --> 00:06:18,545 do not talk people. Right? Like, those kinds 180 00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:19,125 of things. 181 00:06:19,585 --> 00:06:20,725 So I I would 182 00:06:21,025 --> 00:06:23,550 not put so much pressure on yourself or 183 00:06:23,629 --> 00:06:26,349 and set the expectation that you're immediately going 184 00:06:26,349 --> 00:06:29,149 to meet somebody because you're now trying to 185 00:06:29,149 --> 00:06:30,189 meet somebody. Mhmm. 186 00:06:31,069 --> 00:06:33,870 Because the reality is for most people, most 187 00:06:33,870 --> 00:06:35,649 of the time, it's a much slower process. 188 00:06:36,110 --> 00:06:37,789 Now I I I had one other thought 189 00:06:37,789 --> 00:06:38,834 in in this. 190 00:06:39,794 --> 00:06:41,394 You may feel right now that you may 191 00:06:41,394 --> 00:06:43,574 not be ready for a relationship, and that's, 192 00:06:43,875 --> 00:06:44,615 you know, 193 00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:47,474 on you know, that that is to be 194 00:06:47,474 --> 00:06:50,514 determined by you and only you. But if 195 00:06:50,514 --> 00:06:52,514 at this point you you you want to 196 00:06:52,514 --> 00:06:54,840 continue your path to healing 197 00:06:55,460 --> 00:06:57,939 and, you know, you you don't feel you're 198 00:06:57,939 --> 00:06:59,000 ready for a relationship, 199 00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:00,680 maybe find a play partner. 200 00:07:01,139 --> 00:07:02,900 Right. You know, now you you don't say 201 00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:04,279 if, you know, if you're into, 202 00:07:05,779 --> 00:07:08,084 you know, impact or what, you know, but 203 00:07:08,485 --> 00:07:10,324 maybe find a play partner. That way you 204 00:07:10,324 --> 00:07:11,925 get your, you know, some of your kink 205 00:07:11,925 --> 00:07:12,745 needs met, 206 00:07:13,125 --> 00:07:15,365 but you're not pressured by the thing to 207 00:07:15,365 --> 00:07:17,285 find a relationship. Right. Right. Right. And I 208 00:07:17,285 --> 00:07:18,485 think they mentioned at the top of their 209 00:07:18,485 --> 00:07:20,584 question that maybe a play partner. And again, 210 00:07:20,805 --> 00:07:22,800 I agree with you. It that depends on 211 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:24,240 how you feel and what you feel ready 212 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,740 for. Yeah. Your play partner is 213 00:07:27,199 --> 00:07:29,199 you know, has their own human basic needs 214 00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:32,020 just like a potential power exchange partner will. 215 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,839 But some of the pressure is off because 216 00:07:33,839 --> 00:07:35,814 you're mostly just trying to sure your kinks 217 00:07:35,814 --> 00:07:37,175 align and you both wanna play with one 218 00:07:37,175 --> 00:07:38,875 other and then to negotiate that. 219 00:07:39,254 --> 00:07:41,735 In terms of how much to tell them 220 00:07:41,735 --> 00:07:44,134 when to avoid the trauma dump or anything 221 00:07:44,134 --> 00:07:44,794 like that, 222 00:07:46,454 --> 00:07:48,714 my personal philosophy is 223 00:07:49,490 --> 00:07:51,509 they don't need to know anything 224 00:07:51,889 --> 00:07:54,290 until it impacts them directly. And what I 225 00:07:54,290 --> 00:07:55,670 mean by that is 226 00:07:56,050 --> 00:07:58,449 if you talk to them for long enough 227 00:07:58,449 --> 00:07:59,189 that you, 228 00:08:00,449 --> 00:08:02,334 begin to feel comfortable with them or you 229 00:08:02,334 --> 00:08:05,214 develop routines that involve talking to them, and 230 00:08:05,214 --> 00:08:08,014 your mental health will impact the routine, will 231 00:08:08,014 --> 00:08:09,074 impact the communication. 232 00:08:09,774 --> 00:08:10,675 You maybe 233 00:08:10,975 --> 00:08:12,654 give them that little bit of information. You 234 00:08:12,654 --> 00:08:14,254 don't have to tell them everything. Just say, 235 00:08:14,254 --> 00:08:16,410 hey. I got this thing. It kinda, you 236 00:08:16,410 --> 00:08:17,850 know, makes it hard to communicate or it 237 00:08:17,850 --> 00:08:19,310 makes it hard to do this or whatever. 238 00:08:19,850 --> 00:08:21,529 Just so you know, that's what's happening. I 239 00:08:21,529 --> 00:08:23,610 have not ghosted you. I'm not running. This 240 00:08:23,610 --> 00:08:26,329 is happening. Yeah. Then if they're a safe 241 00:08:26,329 --> 00:08:28,589 person and they prove themselves to be trustworthy 242 00:08:28,649 --> 00:08:32,875 and and to deserve to know more because 243 00:08:32,875 --> 00:08:33,855 things are progressing. 244 00:08:34,634 --> 00:08:36,875 When you start talking about maybe you're gonna 245 00:08:36,875 --> 00:08:38,475 scene. Maybe you are gonna do a a 246 00:08:38,475 --> 00:08:40,315 dynamic. Maybe you're just gonna go to the 247 00:08:40,315 --> 00:08:42,720 next level of whatever that means. If you're 248 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,419 not fully yet comfortable 249 00:08:44,879 --> 00:08:46,419 telling them anything and everything, 250 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:48,740 or you're just worried about overwhelming, 251 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:51,519 then you're gonna talk about the things they 252 00:08:51,519 --> 00:08:54,639 need to know in order to mitigate risk 253 00:08:54,639 --> 00:08:57,299 with you in the dynamic or the scene. 254 00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:59,825 Right? If you know something is a trigger, 255 00:09:00,205 --> 00:09:01,485 you have to tell them it is a 256 00:09:01,485 --> 00:09:03,004 trigger. You do not have to tell them 257 00:09:03,004 --> 00:09:05,325 what caused the trigger until you want to 258 00:09:05,325 --> 00:09:07,165 tell them that, if you ever want to 259 00:09:07,165 --> 00:09:08,445 tell them that. But you have to let 260 00:09:08,445 --> 00:09:10,845 them know there's a trigger. Right? So the 261 00:09:11,165 --> 00:09:11,665 until 262 00:09:12,125 --> 00:09:12,865 the trust 263 00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:13,720 develops 264 00:09:14,259 --> 00:09:15,639 to the point where 265 00:09:16,340 --> 00:09:18,580 you're both sharing intimate things and you can 266 00:09:18,580 --> 00:09:20,580 be vulnerable with one another and it is 267 00:09:20,580 --> 00:09:22,259 safe for you to be vulnerable with them 268 00:09:22,259 --> 00:09:23,399 because they have proven 269 00:09:23,779 --> 00:09:24,920 that they are trustworthy, 270 00:09:25,415 --> 00:09:27,415 and that can take a long time. Yeah. 271 00:09:27,415 --> 00:09:28,855 And it's okay if it takes a long 272 00:09:28,855 --> 00:09:31,575 time. They don't know need to know anything 273 00:09:31,575 --> 00:09:33,894 more than what it takes to mitigate their 274 00:09:33,894 --> 00:09:36,054 own risk and make consensual decisions on their 275 00:09:36,054 --> 00:09:37,355 own. That's it. 276 00:09:37,735 --> 00:09:39,975 Some people you're gonna come across would not 277 00:09:39,975 --> 00:09:42,269 deserve to know your truth. They're not the 278 00:09:42,269 --> 00:09:44,750 right peep person for you. They're not gonna 279 00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:47,070 be a person that you should be vulnerable 280 00:09:47,070 --> 00:09:49,710 with. So before you worry about what you're 281 00:09:49,710 --> 00:09:50,850 gonna tell somebody 282 00:09:51,230 --> 00:09:52,990 about what's going on with you, what you're 283 00:09:52,990 --> 00:09:54,985 dealing with, you know, the things that might 284 00:09:54,985 --> 00:09:56,585 come up, the things that definitely will come 285 00:09:56,585 --> 00:09:59,004 up. Right? Those kinds of things. Make sure 286 00:09:59,384 --> 00:10:00,205 it's a person 287 00:10:00,664 --> 00:10:03,304 that might even be worthy of consideration to 288 00:10:03,304 --> 00:10:06,284 know that stuff. If you have the typical 289 00:10:06,424 --> 00:10:06,924 experience, 290 00:10:07,865 --> 00:10:09,629 you're probably gonna talk to a whole hell 291 00:10:09,629 --> 00:10:11,149 of a lot of people before you find 292 00:10:11,149 --> 00:10:12,990 somebody you wanna talk to for more than 293 00:10:12,990 --> 00:10:15,090 5 minutes. Or you're gonna 294 00:10:15,549 --> 00:10:18,110 casually talk to people, a lot of people, 295 00:10:18,110 --> 00:10:20,429 before you find somebody that connects with you 296 00:10:20,429 --> 00:10:22,529 the way you're kinda connecting with them. Right? 297 00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:23,330 So, 298 00:10:23,865 --> 00:10:25,784 you know, the first step is to decide 299 00:10:25,784 --> 00:10:27,625 for yourself if you're ready to even pursue 300 00:10:27,625 --> 00:10:28,125 that. 301 00:10:28,745 --> 00:10:30,745 But try to relieve some of that pressure 302 00:10:30,745 --> 00:10:32,264 you might be putting on yourself and go, 303 00:10:32,264 --> 00:10:33,625 I'm just here to see who I vibe 304 00:10:33,625 --> 00:10:35,784 with. I'm just here to make friends. Because 305 00:10:35,784 --> 00:10:37,644 our personal philosophy is 306 00:10:38,009 --> 00:10:39,529 if you wouldn't wanna hang out with them 307 00:10:39,529 --> 00:10:41,529 as a human being on a in a 308 00:10:41,529 --> 00:10:43,370 friendly way, why are you getting into a 309 00:10:43,370 --> 00:10:46,250 dynamic with them? Or letting them do kinky 310 00:10:46,250 --> 00:10:48,410 things to you or doing kinky things with 311 00:10:48,410 --> 00:10:50,730 them. If you do not genuinely like them 312 00:10:50,730 --> 00:10:51,870 as another person, 313 00:10:52,295 --> 00:10:53,434 what are we doing here? 314 00:10:53,975 --> 00:10:54,875 So that can 315 00:10:55,654 --> 00:10:57,335 take some of the pressure off. It can 316 00:10:57,335 --> 00:10:58,695 make it so you might feel a little 317 00:10:58,695 --> 00:11:00,774 impatient, and I get that. But to me, 318 00:11:00,774 --> 00:11:02,855 if you're feeling impatient for this, that is 319 00:11:02,855 --> 00:11:05,950 a sign you're ready. You're ready. Mhmm. Doesn't 320 00:11:05,950 --> 00:11:07,870 mean just because you're ready that you go 321 00:11:07,870 --> 00:11:09,009 from 0 to 60. 322 00:11:09,470 --> 00:11:11,710 Right? The the first dom who says the 323 00:11:11,710 --> 00:11:12,450 right thing, 324 00:11:12,910 --> 00:11:14,690 no. Watch out for sub frenzy. 325 00:11:15,389 --> 00:11:16,129 Watch out 326 00:11:16,430 --> 00:11:19,070 for people who present themselves one way, but 327 00:11:19,070 --> 00:11:21,035 their actions do not back that up, those 328 00:11:21,035 --> 00:11:21,855 kinds of things. 329 00:11:22,875 --> 00:11:23,535 And then 330 00:11:24,955 --> 00:11:27,514 once you've decided this is a person I 331 00:11:27,514 --> 00:11:29,754 like well enough that I would be their 332 00:11:29,754 --> 00:11:31,934 friend and then maybe do more with them, 333 00:11:32,475 --> 00:11:32,975 then 334 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,200 you start deciding what do they need to 335 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:35,700 know. 336 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:39,519 Sometimes you'll develop the intimate intimacy with somebody 337 00:11:39,519 --> 00:11:41,679 long before you develop the power exchange, and 338 00:11:41,679 --> 00:11:43,919 you do talk about these things. And then 339 00:11:43,919 --> 00:11:44,899 they know it. 340 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:46,575 Case in point, us. 341 00:11:47,615 --> 00:11:50,415 JB met me through my sex blog that 342 00:11:50,415 --> 00:11:53,394 I was, like, obsessively writing in. 343 00:11:54,495 --> 00:11:56,654 And so he knew parts of me that 344 00:11:56,654 --> 00:11:57,774 I didn't even have to tell him. I 345 00:11:57,774 --> 00:11:58,894 was like and this is how I met 346 00:11:58,894 --> 00:12:00,254 people, just in general friends. I was like, 347 00:12:00,254 --> 00:12:01,535 you wanna know about me? You're gonna need 348 00:12:01,535 --> 00:12:02,514 to go read my blog. 349 00:12:03,509 --> 00:12:04,330 But we were 350 00:12:05,029 --> 00:12:07,350 talking to one another about kink and power 351 00:12:07,350 --> 00:12:08,809 exchange without negotiating 352 00:12:10,070 --> 00:12:10,570 anything 353 00:12:10,950 --> 00:12:13,589 long before we negotiated something. Right. And we 354 00:12:13,589 --> 00:12:14,730 developed the friendship 355 00:12:15,190 --> 00:12:17,450 and the intimacy with one another 356 00:12:17,894 --> 00:12:19,894 so that we talked about the things we 357 00:12:19,894 --> 00:12:21,495 were going through, the things that upset us, 358 00:12:21,495 --> 00:12:22,715 the things that bothered us, 359 00:12:23,254 --> 00:12:25,095 the, you know, the stuff we had been 360 00:12:25,095 --> 00:12:26,875 put through, right, previous 361 00:12:27,495 --> 00:12:30,075 before meeting one another. And then, eventually, 362 00:12:30,535 --> 00:12:31,035 we 363 00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:34,399 negotiated the dynamic. And even then, we still, 364 00:12:34,940 --> 00:12:37,679 over years, learned new things about one another. 365 00:12:38,540 --> 00:12:39,759 I I can 366 00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:41,360 understand 367 00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:43,200 the 368 00:12:43,660 --> 00:12:46,014 thought process or the desire or the concern 369 00:12:46,014 --> 00:12:48,254 to let me put everything up front for 370 00:12:48,254 --> 00:12:50,274 somebody so they know what they're getting into. 371 00:12:51,534 --> 00:12:53,375 I get that that train of thought. That 372 00:12:53,455 --> 00:12:55,554 it makes sense on the surface, 373 00:12:56,254 --> 00:12:58,174 but you don't know if this person is 374 00:12:58,174 --> 00:12:59,955 worthy of your story. Right. 375 00:13:00,750 --> 00:13:02,830 So give them the chance to prove that 376 00:13:02,830 --> 00:13:03,330 much 377 00:13:03,790 --> 00:13:05,549 and then take it slowly, like you said 378 00:13:05,549 --> 00:13:07,629 in the beginning. Tell them what they need 379 00:13:07,629 --> 00:13:08,210 to know 380 00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:10,269 at the time they need to know it 381 00:13:10,269 --> 00:13:13,230 for informed consent. There you go. And if 382 00:13:13,230 --> 00:13:14,865 they're the right person to know 383 00:13:15,345 --> 00:13:17,445 your who you are on that deeper level, 384 00:13:17,825 --> 00:13:19,745 it'll become more obvious and you'll be able 385 00:13:19,825 --> 00:13:21,264 you'll tell them what what you wanna tell 386 00:13:21,264 --> 00:13:22,644 them. Right. Mhmm. 387 00:13:23,504 --> 00:13:25,825 K. Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's 388 00:13:25,825 --> 00:13:27,264 q and a episode. If you want us 389 00:13:27,264 --> 00:13:29,009 to answer one of your questions, just use 390 00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:30,870 the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, 391 00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:33,009 or you can find the link in the 392 00:13:33,009 --> 00:13:34,850 show notes. Big thanks as always to our 393 00:13:34,850 --> 00:13:37,170 kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to 394 00:13:37,170 --> 00:13:38,930 do this podcast and keep it going and 395 00:13:38,930 --> 00:13:41,490 help kinksters due to your support. If you'd 396 00:13:41,490 --> 00:13:42,850 like to be part of our community and 397 00:13:42,850 --> 00:13:44,794 get access to extra content and a Discord 398 00:13:44,794 --> 00:13:46,554 server with a group of super cool, super 399 00:13:46,554 --> 00:13:48,475 nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join 400 00:13:48,475 --> 00:13:49,215 us at patreon.com/kayla 401 00:13:50,235 --> 00:13:51,455 lords. That's patreon.com/kayla 402 00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:54,394 lords, or use the link in the show 403 00:13:54,394 --> 00:13:54,894 notes.