You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lords here with the one, the only, the,
I only believe your serious look,
when I've done something to warrant it. John
Brownstone.
I'm not. Your playful, serious look make makes
me giggle. I'm sorry.
You're like the dom look, registered trademark? Yeah.
Yeah. No. No. That that makes me a
little nervous in in the way I like.
But your silly one just makes me me
laugh. I try. Maybe that's what I was
going for too. You know? Hey. I'm I'm
here for laughing and being made to laugh.
Right. That's not what we're talking about. Although,
the need to laugh and wanting to laugh
is somewhere in the realm of this topic,
I guess, sorta, kinda squint your eyes. What
we are talking about is this week, we're
answering a question from a kinkster who's not
sure how to talk about their mental health
with a potential partner or if they're even
ready to meet someone yet. Welcome to the
Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, help
kinksters like you have. Happy, healthy power exchange
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And if you would like us to answer
one of your questions,
use the link in the show notes or
on our website, lovingbdsm.net.
It's literally labeled ask your questions. So
in the show notes or at our website,
lovingbdsm.net.
Okay. Let's get into the question. K. My
question is, as someone wanting to start a
dynamic or before I even attempt to get
to know a dom, how do I navigate
talking about my mental health and the place
that I'm in? Or better yet, how do
I know I'm in a good place to
even try? Long story short, I'm recovering from
a burnout period. I got diagnosed with depression
and I've been receiving counseling and among other
things. I have family problems, but who doesn't?
And I guess I'm worried that I might
cause harm to a potential play partner or
person I'm in a dynamic with if I'm
not okay.
I realize that the term okay is relative
and not a set idea or thought, but
I also know that I don't want to
ever utilize
a dom as a tool. They're people too,
and I don't ever want to intentionally or
unintentionally cause a person harm. So overall, I'm
asking, if I'm still healing, what's the best
way to go about meeting a dom, building
a dynamic with them, or should I hold
off for now? Also, how much do I
have to let them know at the start
because I don't want a trauma dump on
them either? Mhmm.
So
that's
quite a bit in a little bit. Mhmm.
So,
I think the best way to go about
it if you're going, you know, to do
this,
start slow.
Start with friendship. Yeah. Start start with friendship.
You know,
I think try not to go into it
as a looking at it as a potential
thing.
Like, you mean a dynamic? Like I mean,
dynamic or relationship,
you know.
Yeah. You know, start off as friendship.
And, you know, as for when to tell
them, I think that's I don't think there's,
like, any set
time.
You know, but I I think
it's one of those things
that you don't wanna do it too soon.
Right. And you don't wanna wait too long
either.
And
finding that middle ground is is
can be tough.
But
I think you have
to base it on, 1, your feelings about
it
from meeting this person and and, you know,
talking to them. And also how you,
you know, not
okay. I know what I'm trying to go
for here, but I'm not finding the right
word.
You know, I I think you can kind
of feel
feel out,
a little bit how the person may react,
you know, after a few times getting to
know them, you know, and and and then
talk about it.
Mhmm. So I think I think many things.
This this
set of questions got the gears grinding in
my brain.
So first of all,
you don't need to tell
a potential dom or play partner
anything when you first meet them. That first
conversation online, that first time at the lunch
together, that first time on a date, like,
how however you do
this, is about getting to know you on
a basic level, sort of a do is
the vibe right? Do we even wanna be
around one another? And so there's no need
to tell them anything about your mental health
or what you've been through or the stuff
you're going through
right away. If it
makes sense for the situation you're in to
mention something,
feel free if you feel comfortable, but there's
no need to.
Also,
play partner or dom,
whoever you're getting to know, like like we
said earlier, start off with the idea that
you're going to
start with friendship.
Part of it is because that takes the
pressure off of everybody
of what you ultimately wanna accomplish.
And, also, it gives you the time to
figure out if you even like this person
yet and if you even wanna be around
them
and do the hard work of developing the
trust to
engage with them in that way. Right? Whether
it's for a scene or it's for a
power exchange dynamic.
So there's that.
How do you know when you're ready to
meet somebody?
Only you can answer Yeah.
My basis of how do I know I'm
ready to do a hard thing when I
can't stop thinking about it, when I'm imagining
doing it, when I can kind of go,
I think it would go like this or
I think I would do that. Even if
that's not at all what happens in reality,
but my mind is coming up with the
different scenarios because I can't stop thinking about
it. That tends to be
when you're probably
the readiest you might ever be.
Just because you're ready to meet somebody does
not mean you will meet anybody. You may
spend a lot of time online or go
to a lot of workshops or go to
a lot of munches. However you're hoping to
meet people,
you might do that multiple times and not
meet anybody beyond I'm willing to have a
conversation
with them. Or I like them as a
person, but we do not align in kink.
Like, submissives making friends with other submissives who
do not talk people. Right? Like, those kinds
of things.
So I I would
not put so much pressure on yourself or
and set the expectation that you're immediately going
to meet somebody because you're now trying to
meet somebody. Mhmm.
Because the reality is for most people, most
of the time, it's a much slower process.
Now I I I had one other thought
in in this.
You may feel right now that you may
not be ready for a relationship, and that's,
you know,
on you know, that that is to be
determined by you and only you. But if
at this point you you you want to
continue your path to healing
and, you know, you you don't feel you're
ready for a relationship,
maybe find a play partner.
Right. You know, now you you don't say
if, you know, if you're into,
you know, impact or what, you know, but
maybe find a play partner. That way you
get your, you know, some of your kink
needs met,
but you're not pressured by the thing to
find a relationship. Right. Right. Right. And I
think they mentioned at the top of their
question that maybe a play partner. And again,
I agree with you. It that depends on
how you feel and what you feel ready
for. Yeah. Your play partner is
you know, has their own human basic needs
just like a potential power exchange partner will.
But some of the pressure is off because
you're mostly just trying to sure your kinks
align and you both wanna play with one
other and then to negotiate that.
In terms of how much to tell them
when to avoid the trauma dump or anything
like that,
my personal philosophy is
they don't need to know anything
until it impacts them directly. And what I
mean by that is
if you talk to them for long enough
that you,
begin to feel comfortable with them or you
develop routines that involve talking to them, and
your mental health will impact the routine, will
impact the communication.
You maybe
give them that little bit of information. You
don't have to tell them everything. Just say,
hey. I got this thing. It kinda, you
know, makes it hard to communicate or it
makes it hard to do this or whatever.
Just so you know, that's what's happening. I
have not ghosted you. I'm not running. This
is happening. Yeah. Then if they're a safe
person and they prove themselves to be trustworthy
and and to deserve to know more because
things are progressing.
When you start talking about maybe you're gonna
scene. Maybe you are gonna do a a
dynamic. Maybe you're just gonna go to the
next level of whatever that means. If you're
not fully yet comfortable
telling them anything and everything,
or you're just worried about overwhelming,
then you're gonna talk about the things they
need to know in order to mitigate risk
with you in the dynamic or the scene.
Right? If you know something is a trigger,
you have to tell them it is a
trigger. You do not have to tell them
what caused the trigger until you want to
tell them that, if you ever want to
tell them that. But you have to let
them know there's a trigger. Right? So the
until
the trust
develops
to the point where
you're both sharing intimate things and you can
be vulnerable with one another and it is
safe for you to be vulnerable with them
because they have proven
that they are trustworthy,
and that can take a long time. Yeah.
And it's okay if it takes a long
time. They don't know need to know anything
more than what it takes to mitigate their
own risk and make consensual decisions on their
own. That's it.
Some people you're gonna come across would not
deserve to know your truth. They're not the
right peep person for you. They're not gonna
be a person that you should be vulnerable
with. So before you worry about what you're
gonna tell somebody
about what's going on with you, what you're
dealing with, you know, the things that might
come up, the things that definitely will come
up. Right? Those kinds of things. Make sure
it's a person
that might even be worthy of consideration to
know that stuff. If you have the typical
experience,
you're probably gonna talk to a whole hell
of a lot of people before you find
somebody you wanna talk to for more than
5 minutes. Or you're gonna
casually talk to people, a lot of people,
before you find somebody that connects with you
the way you're kinda connecting with them. Right?
So,
you know, the first step is to decide
for yourself if you're ready to even pursue
that.
But try to relieve some of that pressure
you might be putting on yourself and go,
I'm just here to see who I vibe
with. I'm just here to make friends. Because
our personal philosophy is
if you wouldn't wanna hang out with them
as a human being on a in a
friendly way, why are you getting into a
dynamic with them? Or letting them do kinky
things to you or doing kinky things with
them. If you do not genuinely like them
as another person,
what are we doing here?
So that can
take some of the pressure off. It can
make it so you might feel a little
impatient, and I get that. But to me,
if you're feeling impatient for this, that is
a sign you're ready. You're ready. Mhmm. Doesn't
mean just because you're ready that you go
from 0 to 60.
Right? The the first dom who says the
right thing,
no. Watch out for sub frenzy.
Watch out
for people who present themselves one way, but
their actions do not back that up, those
kinds of things.
And then
once you've decided this is a person I
like well enough that I would be their
friend and then maybe do more with them,
then
you start deciding what do they need to
know.
Sometimes you'll develop the intimate intimacy with somebody
long before you develop the power exchange, and
you do talk about these things. And then
they know it.
Case in point, us.
JB met me through my sex blog that
I was, like, obsessively writing in.
And so he knew parts of me that
I didn't even have to tell him. I
was like and this is how I met
people, just in general friends. I was like,
you wanna know about me? You're gonna need
to go read my blog.
But we were
talking to one another about kink and power
exchange without negotiating
anything
long before we negotiated something. Right. And we
developed the friendship
and the intimacy with one another
so that we talked about the things we
were going through, the things that upset us,
the things that bothered us,
the, you know, the stuff we had been
put through, right, previous
before meeting one another. And then, eventually,
we
negotiated the dynamic. And even then, we still,
over years, learned new things about one another.
I I can
understand
the
thought process or the desire or the concern
to let me put everything up front for
somebody so they know what they're getting into.
I get that that train of thought. That
it makes sense on the surface,
but you don't know if this person is
worthy of your story. Right.
So give them the chance to prove that
much
and then take it slowly, like you said
in the beginning. Tell them what they need
to know
at the time they need to know it
for informed consent. There you go. And if
they're the right person to know
your who you are on that deeper level,
it'll become more obvious and you'll be able
you'll tell them what what you wanna tell
them. Right. Mhmm.
K. Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's
q and a episode. If you want us
to answer one of your questions, just use
the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the
show notes. Big thanks as always to our
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do this podcast and keep it going and
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server with a group of super cool, super
nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join
us at patreon.com/kayla
lords. That's patreon.com/kayla
lords, or use the link in the show
notes.