You're listening to the Love and BDSM podcast.
Kayla Lortz here with the one, the only,
the light of my life, the love of
my life,
the domed my sub,
the meanie to my baby girl.
John Brownstone.
Okay. I didn't know where that was going.
I just, it went it took me on
a journey too. So Okay.
I wasn't the only one then that okay.
No. All of us, including anybody who can
hear the sound of our voice. Yeah. We
were all lost together. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody knew
where it would end. No. Mm-mm. Not at
all. Not even a little bit.
That's not what we're here to talk about.
Today,
we are answering a question from a kinkster
who's like,
I have a legit not good kink community,
and
doing something about it has been difficult.
So hopefully we can help them. Yep. Welcome
to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new
here, we help kinksters like you have happy,
healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to
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an episode. And if you'd like us to
answer one of your questions in a future
one of these, you can use the contact
page on our website, that literally is titled
Ask Your Questions. Our website's lovingbdsm.net,
or the link is in the show notes.
Okay. This person puts their question at the
top.
Alright. What do I do when I have
an objectively
bad local BDSM community?
I'm still a newbie, AKA I have not
been in a DS dynamic or engaged in
my kinks other than in the form of
online sex work like OnlyFans.
Everyone suggests new people go to local community
events such as munches, educational events, join groups,
etcetera.
But my area is just not good to
put it lightly. I am 6 hours away
from a big metro city and other events
outside my city are still a couple hours
away at minimum. My local community only has
2 groups and one small swingers group. The
2 main BDSM groups are extremely problematic and
have too many red flags for me to
feel comfortable to ever engage with these groups.
Every single month, social event, educational event, etcetera,
is tied to either one of these groups.
How am I supposed to meet people now?
A lot of others have suggested making my
own group, which I have,
the Next Generation or TNG Bunches.
But I've had 4 events so far, 2
of which no one showed up and the
other 2 where it was just one other
person and me, which is fine. I completely
understand that starting something from scratch will take
time to grow, but the experience of starting
something is still wildly different from joining something
that's already established.
Also, I'm not sure I'm the best person
to be hosting such events since I am
still new. I've done hours upon hours of
research on BDSM in general and hosting social
events and gotten advice from people as to
whether I, as a newbie, should be hosting
munches. It's about 5050.
Some people say it's completely unsafe for a
new person with no experience
to host BDSM events, while others say that
it doesn't matter as much since I only
plan to ever host social events at bars,
coffee shops, arcades,
etcetera.
Okay. Go for it. There there's a lot
there. There's a lot there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Now,
I I think first off, I I wanna
say as far
as being a newbie and hosting munches,
I I don't see any concerns
with that. Not with social events. Not not
with social events. If you if you were
hosting parties,
then I would say, you know, there there
might be a little something to to think
about there. But as far as hosting a
munch, no. I I I don't see any
problem with that whatsoever.
New,
moderator,
or old timer.
Anyway, so, you know, I I think in
a sense you're on the right track, you
know, creating
your own
function.
And, yes, it it may take some time
for it for it to get going.
One other person, well, you know, it's one
other person that that's that's more than none.
Mhmm. So, you know, it it it is
a start. What was that that
movie years ago, If You Build It, They
Will Come? Yes.
Yes. And, you know, yeah, it it will
it will probably take time, but, don't don't
give up. The other thing I'm gonna suggest,
I know in person, you know,
I I even say, you know, in person.
I I have always
been a big advocate for for community.
Probably always will be.
But, you know, in in this case with
with what you're you're looking at, try and
find some things online, some virtual events. Mhmm.
Okay?
You know, we host a virtual munch
Mhmm. Once a month. Mhmm.
There are a lot of places
that,
since COVID still are doing
hybrid
coffee times. Mhmm. Workshops. Workshops, different things like
that, online gatherings. You know,
I don't know if you're a part of
FetLife.
FetLife, for all its misgivings,
is a fantastic place to to look for
groups and and for things happening. And if
you're not already doing it, to promote your
own
events and create your own online group for
your local area. Mhmm.
Mhmm. So, you know, look look for different
online spaces that are are engaging in things
that you want, you know, whether whether it's
a a virtual workshop or something like that.
There are
numerous groups pretty much for every interest there
could be
Oh, yeah. For sure. For sure.
You know, on on PhET. So, you know,
go go in there and and search out,
you know, your your interest and and find
other groups of of like minded people.
I I know it's not the same as
in person sometimes,
but
for the time being,
you know, it it's a step. Mhmm. Okay?
Mhmm. So what are your I agree completely.
I think it's a twofold. If you want
to create your own local in person group,
if that is something you want to continue
to pursue,
you do it side by side because
for two reasons. 1, that gives you, you
know, being part of an online community gives
you some people to interact with while your,
local
group is growing, but also it allows you
to meet and get to know and come
in contact with people who may be able
to help you grow
your munch,
over the long term. You know, when you
become engaged,
in online activities where there are
I don't wanna say prominent because, it's kind
of a that that doesn't feel right. But
people who
you think others could learn from, that you
get to know as as a person. Like,
you're not there to just, like, seek out
what they can do for you, but you
might get to know people in groups who
would be willing to speak to your group,
and that can be a draw.
Or you might get to know people you
might get to know people,
who are willing to
partner with you on something virtual, and then
you can
invite your group and that you you spread
things out. So, you know, there's a lot
of good that
being in online community spaces can do, not
just for meeting people for yourself, creating your
own like, having your own space to just
be a kinkster online and and talk to
people and make friends and whatever.
It can also help you if you want
to pursue
your TNG munch, which I think is a
good thing. One thing,
to consider,
if you are seeing red flags in a
community, I promise you you are not the
only one in that community.
Part of the problem is is that people
will go to a munch and go, whoo.
This this ain't my vibe. And then they
kinda drift away and it's sort of hard
to find them.
If you can, it'll probably be online. It
might even be through FetLife.
You know, connect with people who are in
your local area that don't vibe with the
existing groups.
You can sort of invite them 1 on
1. Send them, you know, hey. I've got
this event. I've got this group online.
You know, come check it out. If you
get to know somebody with more experience in
your local community who's maybe been around for
a while that is not down with, you
know, that group or has a different sort
of ethos in that group, maybe they can
partner with you and maybe they can use
their connections to to draw more people in.
So I think that they're you know, 2
things can be happening at once. You can
be working to grow your in person much
Mhmm. And exploring online community. Because, yes, I
I agree. In person
can do a world of good because sometimes
what we need to do is be in
a space with other kinksters for it to
feel normalized to us to be like, oh,
yeah. These are just people who go to
work like I go to work, or they
they go to school like I go to
school, or they, you know, have kids, or
they have this, or they have that. It
we're just all people. And there is a
benefit to that part of the the
in person space.
But the online space is not all bad
either. There's there's some spaces and there are
some people. Sure. Sure. But there's a huge
benefit to being finding your community online because
some people like you are not in an
area where you have access to a lot
of in person community. Some people
cannot, for all kinds of reasons, physically go
into in person spaces, and so online community
is what they need. So those spaces online
spaces are valid
if you can find the ones where you're
not seeing a bunch of red flags and
people take moderation and and community guidelines seriously
and and that kind of stuff. So I
think it's a
a both and, and I think that what
you learn and who you meet in the
online community may inform what you do for
your in person community. But all of it
takes time.
Even if
your local community was amazing and they weren't
filled with red flags and you were going
to every munch and every event they hold,
you might still not immediately make kink friends
or meet a kinky partner in even the
1st year of doing that. Right? Like, it
all takes time.
You are because of the nature of of
your local community, you're taking a slower path,
but I think it's if you're willing to
keep it up and it it serves you
to keep doing this, I think you're
you're benefiting the overall community in general. You
know? And I think, ultimately, you become a
better kinkster, a more educated kinkster by doing
it because the more you have to think
about kink in
non, like, mid scene dynamic ways, but, like,
like, big picture think about kink, the the
more it's sort of top of mind and
you are more aware of red flags sometimes
and you are you become a little bit
more educated about kink in ways you might
not have otherwise, and that ends up being
to your own benefit most of the time.
So Mhmm. Yeah. You you can do it
if that's what you want, but and but
also do not do not think that the
online community is somehow
bad or or ineffective or, you know, because
it's not the, quote, best thing that people,
recommend or the first thing that people recommend
that it doesn't have value, has a ton
of value. And there are Discord servers. And
even to this day, somehow, there are Facebook
groups. Yeah. And, you know, there are folks
like us who have,
you know, we do
an open livestream once a month, like you
mentioned, on YouTube, but then we have Patreon
communities where we have our own private Discord
and, like, people are all out there doing
the thing. It's just a matter of connecting
Finding and connecting. Right. And with people that
you vibe with. Mhmm.
Yep. So that's that's what I'd say about
that. Mhmm.
Thanks Thanks for listening to this week's q
and a episode. If you want us to
answer one of your questions, just use the
contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the
show notes. Big thanks as always to our
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If you'd like to be part of our
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Just join us at patreon.com
slash kayla lords. That's patreon.com/kayla
lords, or use the link in the show
notes.