You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode
417.
Lords here with the 1, the only, the
you really know your way around a paddle.
John Brown's done.
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed your, birthday spanking
this morning. That was a very self
satisfied chuckle
there. Mhmm.
And what nobody can see but me is
the smirk on your face. True. You are
very proud of yourself.
I am. I did good. At at least,
I think I did. My ass you.
Your ass is very welcome.
Anyway, that's not what we're here to talk
about. But yesterday, we're recording this episode on
my birthday, so hence birthday spankings. Now, this
week, we're talking about why dominance communication
skills matter
just as much as the submissives.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this
is your first time listening, glad to have
you. If you're back for another week, welcome
back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday
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We are grateful for every fucking lot of
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Join us at patreon.com/kayla
lords. That's patreon.com/kayla
lords, or use the link in the show
notes.
All of them.
Them. Sorry podcast listeners. JB was threatening to
hit my buttons and I was
not gonna complain.
So I did not put any announcements in
this episode because when I tried to make
the script and the outline for today, it
was through a massive headache
after I had realized I could not
decipher numbers. I told everybody in Patreon that
the q and a was at,
3 when it's really at 2, and I
was very
it was a rough. So I went, you
know what? We're just not announcing shit this
week.
The kinkery just finished a sale. I've barely
looked at our Etsy shops in, like, a
hot ass minute. Just whatever. Live your life.
Okay? We're
we're not selling shit this week.
We're just gonna the one thing I will
say, and that's a vague it's not an
announcement, but it's a vague thing, is that
our
weekly livestream
times will be
changing as of next week,
November Yeah. 6th. But as of the time
of recording, we don't know
When that will be. When that will be.
So
if you are a person who used to
watch the stream
and has not been able to because of
the time, or you'd like to but the
current time does not work for you, stay
tuned. There will be a new time.
So
this one
is I don't have a good outline for
this topic
because in a way, this topic can encompass
everything and It might. Right? And that's too
much. So I'll just warn you, we might
be chaotic. I just know I want to
talk about this.
So I will give some, caveats, disclaimers, and
maybe I can stop a keyboard warrior before
they begin.
In the things we're going to talk about
today, whatever that ends up being, because it's
not a a
clear, clear outline.
1, yes. It likely does apply to submissives
too. You're right.
2, yes. This is good information for non
kinksters too. You're right.
No. We are not mentioning
a specific thing you thought of because we
are not
all knowing, all seeing. We we can we
will only talk about some of the things,
and we might miss a thing that's important
to you, and and it's okay. That's what
the comment section is for. Feel free to
share your perspective.
We like that.
The other thing, the reason I I brought
this to you and I was like, hey.
What do you think? Mhmm. Is because
I think that
too often,
we, and I mean kink educational
informational spaces
in general, do not focus on dominance an
enough or as maybe as much as we
should.
And I know why we do it. It's
because when a submissive does not know how
to communicate, cannot,
does not feel safe using a safe word,
does not think they're supposed to have limits
and boundaries. Their physical, mental, emotional well-being is
at risk, and so we have to, like,
build the confidence and the knowledge up for
some of them so they can hopefully help
protect themselves and, in the process, protect their
dom. Because
if if you are
unintentionally the reason your dom does something
destructive,
a decent dom is fucked up as well.
Like, it's not good for anybody.
But I you know? So some of this
is gonna be stuff we've talked about before,
but I just wanna, like, say it's about
the Dom's.
So,
the I have a question for you because
you are our resident Dom. So I'm sorry.
You have to speak on behalf of all
of them.
That's a scary thought.
When you first
figured out you were kinky, got into the
lifestyle, started dabbling in power exchange,
and that was well before me,
What was your what if any communication challenges
did you have in terms of
Such as? Well, you know,
I was not
raised in a a place that,
taught good
communication skills. Sure.
Therefore,
early on a lot of my relationships were
not
ones where I practice good
communication. Mhmm.
Alright.
So it was it was a challenge
just in and of itself. Mhmm. Okay.
You know,
acknowledge my feelings,
What the hell is that? And you still
struggle with that. I I do, I I
do. There there are times I still struggle
with it. You know, it I I think
the hardest part for me in all that
was was realizing that I had a safe
place
to say
what I wanted to. Mhmm. Okay?
And I wasn't shamed for it, I wasn't,
you know, put down for it or or
judged for it or anything like that. Mhmm.
You know, but that that was a hard
thing
Mhmm. To to to process
and
put into
action.
I think I know the answer, but I'm
gonna ask it anyway. Uh-oh.
As those skills improved for you Mhmm. Did
your kink life and power exchange relationships also
improve? Yes.
Yes. I wanted it on the record.
That, you know, it I think that's something
that goes hand in hand. Mhmm. Okay? When
you can better communicate your feelings, your needs,
whether you're
a big d or a little s Sure.
You know, regardless, I I think that's going
to make things better, because when you can
clearly state,
you know, what you want, what what your
boundaries are, what, you know,
different thing you know, whatever whatever it is
that you have to say. When you can
say it
clearly,
you know,
hell of a difference. And be heard. And
be heard. That that's true too. You know,
you can talk all you want, but if
you fall on deaf ears, it's not gonna
Right. It doesn't really matter. Matter hill beans.
So I'm curious because here's my belief and
not universal.
I would never think this applies to everybody.
But from the outside looking in, watching many
doms over the years, and also my own
experience with you,
would you say that you,
can relate to what I'm about to say,
which is the idea that once you're confident
in yourself as a dominant so that's a
big thing Mhmm. Regardless. And some of that
is about communication and some of that is
just about experience and figuring your own self
out. But once you have that confidence as
a dom,
do you
or have you found it easier
to talk about wants, needs, boundaries? The
the bits and pieces of the power exchange
and the fuckery,
than to communicate,
like, feelings,
emotions, vulnerabilities. Things that are not directly tied
to the fuckery and the power exchange, but
absolutely would affect that. Like, is it easier
as the dom who's deciding what we're doing
within my boundaries, of course, to talk about
that than it is to talk about the
other stuff?
Speaking for myself,
yeah. I know it's still the thing you
struggle with all these years later. And and
I do. I'm not I'm not gonna deny
that. I I struggle with it,
even though I
when I look to look back Mhmm. You
know, on
on me years ago,
I I have
come leaps and bounds Oh, sure. Yeah. But
I still got a fucking long way to
go. So
what,
beyond the doing
Mhmm. What, if anything, communication wise
helped you gain confidence as a dominant? Like,
I know the putting of things in practice
and just the doing it is part of
a huge part of of building confidence.
To say, I I think what helped
me more than anything,
and and I know this is gonna sound
like a silly stupid simple answer,
but you.
Okay? Because you
gave me
a safe place
to be able to
say the things, to be able to express
the things.
You know, and and that is something that
is
priceless.
Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay? Because, you know,
I I know, like I said, you know,
I
had to
overcome my own misgivings as far as communication.
Sure.
But, you know, there were times when I
did try to express and
Others shut you down? Shut right down in
a heartbeat, you know, and and you did
not do that. You you gave me
the
ability to voice my thoughts,
you
never judged me
for anything I have ever said to you
in any way shape or form, and and
you have always acknowledged
whatever I have said. Mhmm. Okay? And and
that
has made it
that much easier. Also, you allow me to
pull it out of you kicking and screaming
sometimes. No. That's true. There Tough clause gets
activated.
Because you know what's funny? In in and
this is not something that we started this
way. This was, we got to this place
at some point over the years.
You allow me the ability
to call you on your bullshit.
Yeah. Like, yeah. I I get it. He's
in charge. He's the dumb. We're 247. He's
he's always the dumb. Yes. He's also always
human. And he I I am I'm gonna
shy away from sometimes hard things. Sometimes I,
you know,
yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm gonna shy from things,
you know, I have my own,
hang ups. Sure. You know, from, from things,
so, you know, yeah, there, there are times,
I I think, in a way, I could
probably say it comes back to bad tapes.
Sure. Yeah. Real quick for anybody who doesn't
know what a bad tape is. It's a
little bit like a trigger, but less, like,
psychologically
applicable.
Yeah. It's more of a a thing that
happened in a previous relationship that is you
think is happening to you right now, and
you
respond
happening to you right now, and you respond
as if that person Mhmm. Your current partner
is the former partner, and so your response
is out of proportion to what's actually happening.
Yep. So, you know, I I think that
contributes to some of it as well. Oh,
yeah. I mean, I have at least learned
over the years how to navigate some of
your known, both bad tapes and triggers. Like,
if I know something can trigger you, and
I'm like, shit, we still have to have
this conversation,
I do a lot of caveating in the
beginning of Mhmm. I know
this might sound like that, or I know
this is hard for you to think about.
Yeah. I do spend a lot of time,
and I I do think you need it
because I'm pretty sure this is
not something you heard a lot,
before our relationship. I know I never heard
anything like it, but I do spend a
lot of time going, your
insert emotion is valid. Mhmm. Like, I get
that you're angry. I get that you're
sad. I get that you're this. And and
then I do a comma, like,
however
Yeah. Or but what are you thinking or
whatever. Like, I I sort of try to
acknowledge
the stuff that I I just know from
all the conversations we've had and the things
I've witnessed in your life that you, you
know, you've been told most of your life
about how you're not supposed to feel a
thing. And how much of this is, you
know, about
how Western society
socializes,
you know, boys and girls of how we're,
oops, sorry, of how we're supposed to respond
and how we're supposed to behave and how
we're supposed to feel. Right? So there's been
some undoing of that over the years. And
I can't, I can't, I'm not magic. I
can't undo what's gonna happen to you. But
what I do is go, okay, yeah, I
know you're primed
to think that nobody cares about how you
feel. I'm just gonna preemptively go,
your feelings are valid.
Yes. I absolutely can see why. And I'm
reading your emotion, and you you've gotten really
good, because you didn't use to do this,
of if I read the emotion,
not necessarily incorrectly, but, like, it's not the
complete story,
you've gotten better
at going, actually, that's not what I'm feeling,
or that's not all of what I'm feeling.
And you've gotten better at naming your own
emotions. Mhmm.
Yeah.
And,
that's taken practice and a lot of work.
And like I say, I still have I
I know I still have
a a bit of a journey on that
one. Because we all do. Yeah. Not one
of us came out of the womb going,
I know how to communicate all of my
thoughts and feelings to anybody I might come
across. Like, I mean,
technically as infants, we did. We just screamed
our full head off until somebody fulfilled our
needs. Right.
Yeah.
So
I don't know how to ask this question.
I don't even know if it's a question
because I've got observations.
Oh, goodness.
What is a thing other than your feelings,
like, I think we've
that's clear that you're still working on that.
What,
if anything, do you struggle
with or have struggled with and overcome to
communicate specific to being a dominant? Like
interesting question. I haven't,
really thought about that. Well, because here's some
things I think about that we know are
potential issues.
You don't punish and or dole out consequences
and anger. No. But, man, we can piss
one another off real good. Oh, yeah. We
can. Oh, yeah.
You do deal with depression. Yes. And we've
had very long in-depth conversations even recently about
some of that. Yeah.
And,
you know, your ability
you are always
my daddy dom, and to me, you are
always a dom.
But when
it's hard to
communicate your thoughts, your feelings, what you want
it's hard to even think about what you
want.
That that absolutely has to impact the power
change. It does not impact our relationship in
that somehow the relationship is falling apart, but
it it does,
you know Here here's what I what I
will say with that,
you know,
yeah, my depression.
Yeah, it's
it's a bugger,
and
that is something that I am struggling
with communicating,
especially when it comes to our
power exchange. Mhmm.
You know,
for for me to say,
you know,
yeah, things are hitting me a little bit
today, and I'm I'm I'm not there. I
don't know,
you know, what I can
what I can do. Mhmm.
And and that is that is a tough
thing for me to
vocalize.
Are there worries that you have around the
idea of vocalizing it? Do you worry that
I will have a reaction, or do you
worry about what it says about you? Or
It's mostly
Well, usually is. It usually is. You know,
thinking that,
at that point when I when I have
have hit one of those those
valleys,
I'm like, you know, I I I can't
feel this way, I'm
the big d, I'm the one in I'm
the one in charge, I shouldn't be like
this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know? And
and that's where
that's where that block comes from. Mhmm.
Have you had the experience of, maybe not
in those specific words, but talking about your
feelings and then
coming through the other side of that? Not
the situation is any better Mhmm. But
talking through it and then maybe seeing things
differently
or feeling differently?
The funny thing is,
the few times that we have,
it has actually made me feel better
to get it out. That's where I was
going with it. Yes.
And,
even though most times it does not resolve
anything Usually, it does, I know. You know,
yes, just getting it out helps.
And yet,
there is still that disconnect
that, no, I can't I can't do this.
It's not
my observation
is, you don't learn from that each time.
Like, in my case, as I was learning
I could trust you
as partners, as you're submissive, all that,
it becomes easier over time. I might I
might not be perfect or, you know, immediate
with sharing something or expressing something, but each
time I'm like, I know I'm safe because
that's
dynamic. You are we don't use these labels,
but you are kind of a protector of
me and the dynamic. And so, yeah,
I can kinda lay down my burdens as
long as I feel safe to do so.
That's, you know, a necessary part for anybody.
And so for me, it gets to be
a little bit easier each time,
whereas you always carry
the and I don't say burden in, like,
the super negative way, but let's just call
a thing what it is.
You you always carry the burden of the
responsibility.
To wait. Right. And so there's a pressure
that comes with it. Even if I'm over
here screaming, no. No. No. It's good. Let
me serve by taking off some of the
pressure. Yeah. You know? Just the nature of
the role being what it is. It is.
Right.
Right. So each time,
it's like pulling teeth to get him to
just talk. And each time I'm trying to
do,
like, a Pavlov's dog thing here. Each time
I'm like, and don't you feel a little
bit better? We didn't solve anything, but don't
doesn't it feel good to have shared this?
And he goes, yes. It does. And then
poof, out of his mind the next
time.
So In one ear out the other, so
to speak. Yeah. I'm curious because
my
knowledge
from things you've told me tells me this
might not be true, but I don't know
everything because you haven't told me everything. We
got another good 30 years ahead of us
for you to tell me everything. Okay. Oh,
we're propping you up by the jukebox. We've
already decided this. Remember? Anyway,
have there been times where
as a dominant in kink right? Like, we're
not talking about vanilla shit where, oh, we
all have to recover from that. Yeah. As
a dominant in kink, have you
had times where
you tried to communicate, and for all kinds
of different reasons,
the partner you were trying to communicate with,
like, there was a a failure of understanding,
or they didn't accept your communication, or it
was a struggle,
or they were maybe not
the best person to
be vulnerable with. I would I would have
to say that happened more so in any
vanilla relationship. Mhmm.
Mhmm. In any
Do you think because there's a twofold here.
You're you are both
a a man, right,
and also a dominant. Do you ever get
the feeling
that from the from the submissives you encounter,
and everybody is different,
that maybe
your words are given more weight and you're
given the things you're trying to communicate are
given a little bit more respect
just for that? Just for that?
To a certain extent, yes. I I think
that that does
occur. Mhmm.
I don't necessarily like it. Right, right, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're not a shitty
human being.
But, well, I I mean, to to a
certain degree, I I look at it, you
know, I I don't like it because I
feel like I I in many times, I
haven't done
anything to earn it or deserve it. Right.
Because you're not a shitty human being.
You're not perfect, but you're not shitty. No.
I'm I I am I am far from
perfect because, you know, I I
talking about the, you know, makes me think
back.
And and I I
came across something
several weeks ago from many, many, many years
ago
online.
I was shocked to even see that site
was still in existence.
But,
you know, early
very early on
in,
some of my DS relationships,
I was the one that that fucked up
because I wasn't communicating.
Right. You know?
And
Was it a they if you think back,
because you might not have even thought it
clearly at the time, but when you think
look back, was it a somebody should just
know, or you believed you were being clear
and you weren't, or it was stuff you
didn't think you had to say,
or what do you think was? It was
a combination of of stuff that I didn't
think I had to say.
And at the time, I thought I was
being clear, but
now that I look back on it, I
was like, oh, that was very muddy. Yeah.
That was some muddy shit. And was the
person you were interacting with not the type
to go, hey. Hey. Hey. I need clarification?
No.
You know, so yeah. Especially early on, it
it yeah. I know.
What kind of issues did it did it
cause to that lack of communication cause?
Arguments
need not being met on either side. And
so then being disappointed in each other Right.
And the feelings that come along with Exactly.
When you're like, but I thought I told
you and you're not doing the thing and
yeah. And yeah. No. And,
you know, yeah. It it was a lot
of it was,
was on me because I was not communicating
clearly. Mhmm. You know?
I wasn't communicating my expectations
clearly. I wasn't communicating my
my wants, needs Mhmm. You know, and feelings
clearly. And
And, you know, and I think that's a
trap that some dominance fall into, and I
get why it happens
if it
relates to anybody. Mhmm. To not need to
communicate your own wants and needs that clearly
is because you're deciding
within boundaries, within limits. But,
and I don't agree with this, but I
can see how it'd be like, well, I
don't have to tell you what I want.
I just have to take what you want
and make it work with what I already
want as Dom. I'm speaking as a Dom
here. Mhmm. And just do the thing, which
I mean,
I guess you could do that
or you could do things better. I mean
Yeah. Yeah.
Because, you know, I I I try to
think back to the early parts of our
power exchange, both long distance and in person.
And
this my memory is fuzzy because I have
a shit memory.
But what I remember more
in those early days of our long distance
relationship is more of the focus being
on what I wanted, what I needed, what
I was into as you were trying to
figure it out.
But I don't remember a lot of in-depth
conversations about what you wanted, what you need,
what you expected Mhmm. What kind of dominant
you were. Yes.
What kind of dominant you were.
Yes. You made that very clear that was
never
but, you know,
I don't and I don't know that conversations
had to go this way, but I don't
remember
sitting down and you going, okay, I like
spanking, and I like impact, and this is
what I like. And I Part of it,
I think,
and this is I'm looking back now, so
rose colored glasses and all. I think part
of it was
you were experienced and I was inexperienced and
your
excuse me. Oh my gosh. Your focus is
on making sure that I understood
what I was even agreeing to. Right. And
over time, I mean, what you're into
became very clear, and where we we mesh
and match up really well is
easy to deal with. But even now, every
once in a while, you will express an
interest, and I'm like, oh,
you like that?
Surprised.
And I,
you know, every
potential dynamic has to navigate this in their
own way, but I do wonder
if I would have benefited
from
direct conversations
about what you wanted.
And, you know, I think you were I
think you were going about it in a
a good way because what you were trying
to do was not pressure me. You were
not trying you were purposely trying to have
conversations where I didn't feel pressured
to give into what you like or to
agree with you because you were the dom.
And I think that's a,
responsible
way to do that. Yeah. But
I genuinely cannot
think of a time when you just were
like, these are the things I like to
do.
And, you know, that that might that might
have been an interesting conversation. And it might
be something that is
more beneficial when you've got maybe 2 experienced
kinksters or a really experienced submissive
and a less experienced dominant because that experience
submissive hopefully is like, okay. I'm good with
my boundaries. I'm I'm not gonna be smoking
to ping the mic. I'm not gonna be
swayed by what a dom wants because I'm
I I've got the experience to know myself
well enough. And maybe it is you it's
different when it's a very inexperienced submissive and
the dominant partner is trying to be responsible.
I well, you know, in in the in
in
in the beginning with you and I,
you know, wasn't even really looking at
you and I as in a relationship. Very
important. That and I. You know? And and
I was
more
in the mode of, yeah, educating you. Mhmm.
Mhmm.
Yeah. And trying to mentally prepare me for
a day when I would have another dom
who wouldn't let you be my friend.
Yeah. I rejected that bullshit.
Yeah.
I was mad at a dom I didn't
have, hadn't met, and probably didn't even exist.
And yet I was still going, I don't
I don't know if there's anything here. It's
I'm not ready for a relationship.
Wait. Does that mean should I let myself
talk to you?
So,
what are
some
best practices,
tips, advice you would give a dominant who
to think about specific to communicating? Some things
that maybe have helped you or you've learned
the hard way? Or
you know, even even with me,
there are
times when
writing an email
is the best practice.
Yep. Okay.
I I'm I'm not gonna say writing a
handwritten letter. Nobody wants to try and read
my handwriting. It's fine. I can read it
just fine, man. Yeah. You've been around long
enough. That's all.
But,
you know,
if if you if you want
a a good, solid, stable,
d s relation or any relationship,
you know, it it's hard to open up,
it's hard to be vulnerable, but you kinda
need to dip your toes in that water.
Right.
You know, and
I I think it's one of those things
that, you know, we said this before, communicating
is like exercising a muscle. The the more
you use it, the easier it becomes. Mhmm.
Mhmm.
And it is hard if both partners in
a dynamic are struggle with it Mhmm. Or
not even just struggle with it. If there's
just skills you each are lacking, and, man,
if they're not complimentary skills, this is really,
really tough. Like Yeah.
It can be really rough if one of
you is like, I will tell you everything
I'm feeling, but I'm not a good listener.
Right? And the other one's like, I can't
tell you
anything I'm
feeling. Or I for doms especially
and we did the whole episode on vulnerability.
Everybody has their issues with vulnerability,
in all different manner, in all different directions.
But doms are uniquely in a position
where too many people buy into the I
can't be vulnerable because then I cannot be
perceived as strong. And I I look like
I am weak if I am vulnerable. And
the biggest strength is vulnerability. The hardest part
is being vulnerable with the right person. Correct.
And that's
part is
being vulnerable with the right person. Correct. And
that's where we get fucked up. Because, you
know yeah. See, there there's a big miss
misconception, you know, saying that being
vulnerable isn't isn't a strength.
It takes a hell of a lot of
strength,
no matter regardless of who you are,
to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Right. Absolutely.
Absolutely. And and vulnerability looks like a lot
of different things. For for JB, vulnerability
in in at certain times has been letting
me see him be angry about his past,
letting me see him be sad about his
Mhmm.
Some shit that's gone down. You're like, you
know, and now but now we're at a
point where I can You you walk in
on me before found me crying and just
let me And I just hug you because
that's all I can do. The thing what
I've had to learn, and this is not
a submissive thing, this is a person thing,
I have to just let him feel his
emotions. I cannot swoop in and fix it.
Whether as a service submissive or just the
type of person who likes to fix problems.
Like, uh-uh. That's that's not only not my
job. That's impossible.
And I don't wanna ever
unintentionally
do something
that you read as, oh, I shouldn't be
crying. She's gonna do anything she can to
get me to stop her. I shouldn't be
expressing this emotion. She'll do anything to stop
it. So maybe that means I'm not supposed
to express that emotion. I've had to learn
to just let you express it. Mhmm. Let
you get to a point where you
are have kinda come back to yourself. And
then if you wanna talk about it, we
talk about it. That is another
potential thing that dominance, I think, need to
be very careful about with communication.
As the one in charge of your dynamic,
your submissive can come to you and be
like, do you wanna talk about this? Can
we talk about this? I'm here for you
if you need. And
a dominant who thinks that strength comes from
being stoic and not sharing and not admitting,
you know,
vulnerable feelings and and and all of that,
you have the power to to shut down
that ability to have that conversation. And look,
if you do not trust your partner enough
for that, that's one thing. But also, I
would like you to do some internal,
whatever introspections.
Because why why can you
beat their ass, but you don't trust them
enough to, like Yeah. And you're in this
hopefully, you know, you're trying to have a
long term dynamic. Like, just just do a
little self check there. But, like, you get
to go, this is this is the person
I'm playing with. This is not a person
I'm vulnerable with in this way. That's fine.
But you have negotiated a power
exchange. It's you're trying to make it long
term. You're trying to make it, like, deep
and meaningful,
but you as the dom as a self
protective measure get to go, I don't wanna
talk about this. Even though repressing shit doesn't
make it go away, you've just pushed it
down for it to pop out somewhere else.
Else. Yep. And that somewhere else could fuck
up your relationship because
you don't nothing gets pushed down. It just
gets pushed out. Right.
And I think that's a trap that some
doms will fall into. We're not gonna talk
about this. I don't wanna talk about this.
And you get the final say Mhmm. Because
of the dynamic.
Mhmm. You've done that a couple times. I
am. And what I've learned to do is
wait for you to calm down. Mhmm.
Do something to see if I can get
you to, like, laugh or smile,
even if it's that dark, like, you're making
me laugh against my will kind of thing.
And then I slip in and I'm like,
so that thing,
that happened. Do you wanna talk about it?
Yeah. But these days, we have developed
an intimate enough relationship. We've been together long
enough. We've seen each other at our best
and our worst.
You do kind of, you know, allow me,
like I said at the top, I get
to call you on your bullshit. I get
to be like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. No.
No. I know you're telling me everything's fine,
but I have eyes, and I can see
you right now.
And that's some bullshit. So It's fine. Let's
try this again.
She said
respectfully.
Yeah. I guess, you know,
the same skills
a submissive needs or any kinks tree needs,
a dominant needs. I think a dominant just
needs to be careful that they you don't
hide behind your authority
to and use that as a means to
not
effectively communicate when things are tough. It's real
easy to talk when we're planning a scene
when it's about to get kinky in here.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's easy and great
sometimes.
But it gets harder when it's like, oh,
shit. This brought up some feelings for me.
Or, oh, I'm not feeling confident in myself
as a dom or, oh, my mental health
has taken a fucking dive, and I can't
be the dom that I think that you
think I'm supposed to be. And that's another
trap because we all get into it. It's
a people thing. Yeah. You have
a belief in your head of what my
expectation is of you.
Right? And vice versa. I'm sure. And vice
versa.
And so
when some some dumb out there doesn't wanna
have to talk or admit something,
what you are thinking of is letting down
a version of me
that sees a version of you, and neither
of those exist.
In our relationship, because every relationship is different,
in our relationship, I want you to be
the best you you can be, and what
I want is a fully engaged and connected
JP. I kinda don't care what flavor I'm
getting at any point.
I want you to be
as healthy
and as happy as circumstances
will allow.
I'm not talking false positivity and bullshit stuff,
but just like I want you to I
wanna be in the thick of it with
you. So if you're going through it,
I want you to talk to me about
it. I can't fix it, but I
it's a trust thing. It's a vulnerability thing.
It's a connection thing,
and it's a oh oh, he's got that
tone. Oh, he heard that thing, and now
he's got this facial expression. And I know
what the fuck is going on because here's
what happens because it happens to everybody.
You don't tell me what's on your mind,
and I come tiptoeing through the tulips into
your land mines.
And now we're arguing,
and I'm like, what is happening
here? And that can we are long past
the point of those kinds of things damaging
a relationship.
Early days, it can. Yes. And from a
submissive perspective, if I'm trying to be my
best submissive self to my dom
and I'm
doing the things I agreed to do that
we negotiated,
and I'm trying to be a person that
my dom can be vulnerable and open with,
and my dom is shutting things down within
themself and will not talk about stuff. And
I just come do to do to do.
I'd like to like, what about this, daddy?
And that
hits you just wrong because of a thing
you're going through that I don't know about.
Now I'm left and you have the blow
up. Right? You react and it feels
out of character. It feels like it's too
big, too much. What the fuck's going on
here? Right? Like, because I don't understand.
Now I'm walking away going, what? Did am
I did I fuck up? Is something wrong
with me? Is something wrong with us?
Lack of communication all the way around on
both sides of the slash can just it
it just fucks shit up. It does. But
doms are just uniquely positioned that it is
easier for you to shut down communication
when you don't wanna talk about that thing
you're going through. Yep. Mhmm.
Mhmm.
Okay.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
So any other thoughts that you have about
communication as a dominant?
I I would have to say, I think,
you know,
it it is it is difficult.
It is not as easy as it sounds
to say, you know, well, you know, just
just say what's on your mind, say what
you're thinking, say what you feel. Yeah.
Not always all that easy. Mhmm. Well, just
like I say about you, you know, the
reason I can say the shit is because
you have you are a safe person for
me to be that way with. Yeah. Dominance
you need that you need me to be
a safe person for you to be able
to do that. And and if
a dominant has a has a partner that
is not safe for them to be fully
themselves,
that that's a time for a check-in.
Mhmm. What is happening here? Right?
And
I'm gonna say something that is true of
all people, but because we've seen some put
air quotes around these doms,
sometimes
you're not finding somebody who's safe to be
yourself with because yourself is shitty. And and
the people are going, no. That's you're a
shitty human being. No. Don't don't tell me
that awful thing. What the hell?
So, I mean, there does for all people
of all roles
in all all walks of life, there should
be some introspection of, wait. But but am
I actually an okay human being?
Yeah. I think that's always that's always worth,
you know, exploring a little bit. Yeah.
Yeah. But, you know, to to think of,
you know, the fact that in in a
DS relationship, you'd say, well, you know, it
it's on the submissive to
communicate,
and and, you know,
no, it's not.
It it gonna have it going both ways.
Mhmm.
I agree. And, you know, both both sides
need to be able to communicate.
I I agree. And I think,
rightly, wrongly, maybe it's neutral. I don't know.
I think we put a lot of pressure
on doms to be the ones to pull
that out of submissives.
And in some cases, that that can be
that's how that's gonna happen because maybe that's
that dominant has more confidence, has more experience,
has just had
maybe not better relationship experiences, but different ones.
So the things that the dominant might deal
with as insecurities
are not reflected in
in negotiating the dynamic.
But I think it's important for submissives to
remember that that potential dom
has their own shit.
And you'll have your own insecurities. You'll have
your own struggles. There will be things that
will be hard for you
to say. Mhmm.
You know? And they're you're not solving that
in month 1, year 1,
decade 1. Okay? This is No. No. No.
A very, like, step by step, inch by
inch, long term project.
Yeah. I mean,
you know, even after all these years that
we've been, you know, the time we've been
together,
we're still both working on it. Mhmm.
Mhmm.
You know, the the sucky part though,
and this gets into all kinds of things
that are outside of the scope of this
topic on communication, but I think it all
kind of plays a role,
is that some of the expectations
that a dom has for themself or that
others place upon them
is
will fuck everything up. And what I mean
by that is you might have a like,
I'm not. I'm not. But if I, as
the submissive I am today,
went out there
into the world to negotiate
another dynamic with a dom. Mhmm. I can't
even fucking imagine right now, but whatever.
I know
and I it's okay. I'm not mad about
this, but I know I would be a
turn off to certain doms, not we're talking
outside of the physical whatever, outside of the
dynamic. Because I'll be that assertive submissive who's
like, okay. Here's how I I roll. Does
this work for you? And I'm a be
like, but also I expect you to talk
to me. Why aren't you talking to me?
And there are dominants
for all kinds of reasons
who
look at that as a challenge and as
disrespect
instead of it being a, hey. I'm your
equal here. Right. Once we negotiate this, honey,
I'll call you anything but a child of
god. What are you into? Let's do this
thing.
But until then,
we will speak like equals, and I have
thoughts and I have questions. Right. And there's
such a
yes. There are doms who would who would
take that in a heartbeat and be like,
hell, yeah. Let's do this. Mhmm.
I think you are not the rule, though.
I think it takes a lot of confidence
to feel like you are being
approached in a certain way because there are
stereotypes that we all carry stereotypes in our
head. We if you wanna fight against them,
it is something you have to work on.
Mhmm. And so there are doms out there
who
will actually, I think, because I've seen it
happen,
will pull back from a submissive who communicates
too much, who is too direct, who has
too many questions, who has a high expectation
that they will get information they are seeking.
And I don't mean
from the the fake poser doms who who
don't wanna actually do the work,
but from a dom who,
you know, has this expectation of what that
means to be a dom,
and
us assertive types
don't fit that. And I'm not saying, like,
assertive types have to be accepted by all
doms. I just think that if you were
a dom who is immediately put off by
a submissive who will be like,
hey. I have expectations of you too. Let's
talk. I just want you to do I
just want you to look within about why
that might be. That's all I'm saying. But
that's not really about communication. That's about stereotypes
of and cliches and and things that people
sometimes believe about what it means to be
a dom and what it means to be
a submissive. Mhmm. And I am happy to
smash down some of those beliefs like the
kool aid, ma'am.
Oh, yeah.
Because I I have 0 fucks to give
when it comes to that. Yeah. Part of
that is because I am fully accepted by
you. You know who I am as your
submissive. You know who I am as a
human being. Yep. And you're like, yep. I
I did sign up for this.
I I I Chipped and all. Like What
have I done? I'm in.
So
yeah.
Yeah. Anything else you'd
you wanna add? I don't think so. I
don't have anything. Could could I? Sure. Sure.
Sure. I always can. I don't have anything
else. I really wanted to hear what you
had to think more than anything. I know.
I only had three thoughts in my head
for this topic. So I was like, if
I can get those out, we're good.
It's also hot as shit today. And and
I I know. You bought the air. You
did all the things. I did all the
things to make it as comfortable as I
could. Yeah. So we will do a bonus
section, but we will
we will wrap this up. K. So,
are we good? I don't know.
Keep it kinky, y'all. We'll see you next
week.
Dottie.
Yes, baby girl. What the fuck is happening
to us?
I don't know what you mean.
We are struggling.
Yeah.
Can we talk to the crickets though?
Talk to the crickets. Okay. I'm sweaty right
now, y'all.
I I also okay. So I
I got I don't
I don't get bored with the podcast. That
has never happened, not once in all these
fucking years. But I got bored with our
7 PM livestream
time fairly quickly. But I also knew, practically
speaking, why we were not streaming at noon
because it was summertime in this room and
it was hot as shit. So it's been
kind of exciting to stream podcast listeners. This
doesn't affect you. The podcast still comes out
when the podcast comes out. But
it was kind of exciting today to stream
earlier because we're gonna go be good parents
tonight and watch a kid perform.
And it's like a studio recital. So it's,
like, small and intimate and, like, I'll actually
see this child and hear his instrument. It's
very exciting.
So it was kind of exciting to change
the time, but it has also stressed me
the fuck out. I have no sense of
time. I don't everything I thought I had
more time this morning. I went get my
birthday
drink
from Starbucks, and then I was like, oh,
I'll help my daddy out, and I'll go
get gas because I had 12¢ off at
7:11.
And then I'm coming home and I'm like,
oh, shit. We stream in just over an
hour. I was all sorts of time. Mhmm.
And you were like you had I'd text
you to say I was leaving, and you
went you text me back. I'm like, okay.
When you get home Mhmm. Meet me out
in the little shop. Yep. And for a
second,
I went, what does he need me out
there for? And then the other second was,
oh, I know what I was supposed to
be out there for.
But then I was on my quest to
get an overpriced coffee and some gas, and
so forgot about it.
And this is how antsy this man was.
I pull up. I sit in the car
because I was finishing posting a story to
the Kinkery's Instagram
story.
Oh my god. Yeah.
And I'm like, okay. I need to go
get in. And I'm looking at the tongue
going, oh, shit. I really need to get
in. And JB is at the door going,
we don't have a lot of time, but
I've got a plan. And he's not saying
anything.
And I'm like,
is this what I think it is? No.
Yeah? No.
I'm so weird. Next thing I know,
I'm bent over in the little shop having
my ass beat. It was to life.
It was one of the fastest birthday spin
I ever had.
That that was a quick one. That was
a quick one. We we we were very
fast. We were running out of time because
I still needed to shower. I needed to
eat and yep. It was a quick it
was a quick one, but an effective one.
It was. It was. And
I was able to stay on task after
that, quite frankly.
Yep. Yep. Yep. So, yeah, it's kind of
a low key birthday, and I'm I'm fine
with that. Yeah. It's I know. My mid
forties. It's not like it's a Yeah.
You know? And it it it's been a
busy
week.
It's only Wednesday.
Wednesday. Oh my god. Well and that's we've
had all kinds of stuff. So Yeah. I
mean, we celebrated our wedding anniversary on Monday.
We had a date night. It was delightful.
Very low key, but it was very nice.
It was wonderful. It was such a nice
evening. It was.
We actually did a good job of, like,
just putting our fucking phones down. Yep.
And then Tuesday,
was interrupted because we had our Doctors. Our
doctor's appointment. See, we're now of an age
and with enough medications, we don't just go
once a year. We have to go twice
a year. No. I'm just saying gotta check
everything because Yep. I'm now taking, like, a
small handful of medications.
So they're like, let's check your blood. And
I'm I'm
starting to look down that scope. Right. You
are doing fairly well though. You you are
you are less than I am, and you
are much older.
But it was like we both had to
talk about dose increases and changes and what's
not we love our doctor. She's amazing. She's
a person who actually listens. Yes. Does not
discount anything we say. She just, like, either
gently correct or will actually validate and go,
actually, yes, and blah blah blah. Here's what
you need now. So but that took, like,
part of our day in the middle.
And now today is, like
and JB had even said, I think for
your birthday, don't do too much. And I
went,
okay. Okay. That's fine. And I agreed.
And then I looked at the calendar.
I was like, okay. I'll process orders first
thing in the morning. My favorite literally y'all,
business wise, this is one of my favorite
things to do. Let me let me box
some orders, please.
And then I was like, okay. We've got
the stream. That's fine. And then at some
point between Monday and today, I was like,
and also I have about 3 videos we
need to record. So so glad we're taking
it
easy. Yeah. Yeah. Because we forget how time
works.
We could've we could've made at least
2 of these videos at any point previous
to today. True. True. We did
not. And Lola agrees. Right. She says we
should actually look at a calendar more often.
Let me see if she wants to go
out. But yeah. So tonight,
the 19 year old has, like I said,
a performance,
and it's much earlier. It's not like a
full blown concert, and those are usually 7
something at night. This is, like, 5 o'clock
in the afternoon.
Time. So I was like, okay. So I
guess we're having my birthday dinner in Gainesville
because we'll already be there.
So the 19 year old, I had said,
hey. Are you gonna,
you know, have dinner with us? I don't
know where we're gonna go, but, you know,
we're gonna we'll do that.
He goes, oh, no. They're having a potluck
reception thing, and I wanna go hang out
with the homies. And I was like, okay.
Like, I, like, it's fine. I'd if he
didn't have a performance, he wouldn't have been
here on my birthday anyway, so it's no
big deal.
Then he sends me a text. Not a
happy birthday text.
A
this is word for word. Dinner tonight, queen?
I was like,
I was like, I thought you had a
thing. I was like, but, of course, if
you wanna come to dinner with us, you're
more than welcome to. And he goes, oh,
I need to go check on that thing,
don't I? I was like, I don't know.
I don't know.
Even I've got the social life. I'm just
trying to get, like,
college town Mexican food or something. I don't
know what we're having, but
I don't know. It is wild.
And yet it already feels like Friday to
me. Mhmm. It does. Podcast listeners, it's hilarious
that you're like, but it is Friday.
Not to me. Not right now.
No. No.
Yeah. And and Monday, we had a really
nice time. We did. We, went out for
dinner. Mhmm.
Had had a nice dinner at, Italian restaurant.
Mhmm.
And We each dressed cute. We did.
We did.
And,
then we went to Barnes and Noble's
Mhmm.
And hung out looking at books. Just walked
I walked every book table.
Mhmm. And some actually sounded good, and I
was like, let me see if it's on
on Kindle Unlimited, or if I can get
it for, like, can I read it on
my phone?
Yeah. And I I ducked in the back
for a while to look at the,
vinyl albums and Mhmm.
Mhmm.
Yep.
Don't do that. And then we went for
dessert. Mhmm.
And I I I did my research before
our anniversary.
This is our 7th wedding anniversary.
Right.
Will I remember that next year is our
8th? Probably not. Probably not. Probably not. I'll
have to go look it up again. Not
unless we put it in the calendar now.
Why would we do something like that? Crazy
crazy taught. Crazy taught.
So
yeah.
Yeah. Mhmm.
So
but yeah. It was a good time. Mhmm.
It was a very good time.
Yep. But other than that, just same old,
same old. Mhmm.
And tonight I'll be driving. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
You will. Yeah. Well, because on the way
there, there'll be so much traffic that I'll
get nobody wants me driving when I'm anxious
and there's traffic. And then on the way
back, the sun will have gone down.
And I don't know if it's my prescription.
I don't know if it's age. I don't
I don't know. But driving at night has
become
a nightmare.
Like, I'm just I'm just not doing it
if I don't have to.
Even when it's a just an empty road,
I'm like, yeah. But
which way are we going, and what I
what is the road doing?
No, dude. I don't know. I don't know.
I'm sure I would benefit from pharmaceuticals of
some kind.
Just not fair right now.
So yeah.
So, yeah.
This is 45, if you wondered.
I
I won't say, like, my forties have sucked.
Man, there's been some suckage in life. And
has it been in the first half of
my forties? Yes. So I am hopeful that
the second half of my forties, it's just
up from here is is what I'm hopeful
for.
But yeah.
Yeah. I got nothing. I'm I'm sweaty right
now. It is. It it's it's very warm
in here. I'm being reminded why we changed
our schedule in the first place. Right. See.
See.
No. I know. It's yeah.
We're,
we we had 2 days
of absolutely beautiful
weather. Glorious weather.
We turned the AC off, opened the windows,
and oh my god, it was it was
beautiful.
And and then summer came back.
Less of a vengeance. Less of with less
of a vengeance, but it's still Yeah. But
still Even this morning, we went for our
stupid walk for our stupid mental health, and
I don't I was not cool, like, chilly,
like, you know, somebody give me a long
sleeve shirt, but it was so pleasant. I
was like, I I could be out here
this all day. That was 7 o'clock this
morning. 10 o'clock this morning,
I left to go run my errands, and
I walked out the front door, and I
was like, I am immediately sticky and hot.
What is happening here?
Yeah.
Oh. We got faux fall for 2 whole
days.
Oh, and we we had a a a
very,
interesting thing happen with Onyx.
Oh my god. We well, we learned that
she likes the indoor cat life. Thank god.
She she likes the indoor
cat life, and,
she,
apparently, she wants to be with us. Yeah.
We are the best alternative
for her.
So,
yesterday, I went out and checked the mail,
came back in, and apparently, I did not
close the garage or the front door as
well as I thought I did. Mhmm. And,
I plopped down on the couch,
joined Lola for a nap,
and
in in between it, you were like
That's a kid in the kitchen. Sorry. And,
you know, you're like, I hear this noise.
I hear a noise. It's by the front
door and it Yeah. It's like a sound.
And I'm like, what is happening? Yeah. And
finally, you get up and go look. I
get up and go look and I see
that the front door is cracked.
Mhmm.
And and I go to the door, and
I look out the little side window,
and I see onyx.
No. No. No. You've got the steps wrong.
First, you saw that the door was open,
and you closed it. And you went, oh,
shit. I can't believe I left the door
open. That's that's right. Come back to the
couch, and I'm I hear the scrabbling noise.
Yes. And I'm like, we don't have any
toys or scratchy things Mm-mm.
In the foyer. Why am I so I
I get up, and I don't see anybody
in the area. I'm definitely hearing a scrabbling
noise. Yeah. And so we hear it a
second time, and that's when we gotta That's
when I got to go look. To go
look, and and I saw Onyx down at
the end of the the walkway.
I opened up the door.
I didn't know what she was gonna do.
She was gonna run. I I, you know,
turned the knob and opened the door. She
saw that door open.
She bolted
in the house. She bolted.
I mean, she came in so fast and
headed right for our bedroom and into her
closet. Mhmm. Mhmm.
Her tail was all puffed up. She was
it was a traumatic experience for her. Yes.
So
Yep. So
but, yeah, it was
interesting to say the least. And, yeah, apparently,
she she she chose us. She came right
back in. Didn't want nothing to do with
that big big wide outside.
Well, I'm pretty sure if we had not
figured it out soon enough, she'd have been
like, I guess I'll take my chances.
She's chipped. Thank God. The problem is I
don't know if anybody could catch her because
she's so damn skittish.
Yeah. But, yeah, she was like, no. No.
I'm home. Let me in, please. And see,
that was the scrabbling. It was her going,
hello? Hello?
Can I come back inside now? Yeah.
Whoops. We're sorry. Apparently, Ella
is here last. She Look. Ella knows where
her 2 squares on a car. She is
not
going no damn way.
She is not. And even even Lola, apparently,
she, you know, she was content to be
up on the sofa with me. She didn't
wanna go anywhere. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
No. But onyx is our,
our loyal adventurer.
You know, there there was a time I
left the garage door open.
The door from the laundry room to the
garage. The main garage door was down. Yeah.
The the main big door was down. But,
yeah, the the door from the laundry room
into the garage,
and,
she found her way out there. She sure
and then wanted to get back went got
her back in and closed the door. And
and it was funny because when when she
came in from the garage,
her ears and her whiskers, cobwebs and She
got into every crevice. She must have been
in every
crack and crevice she could fit in. Yep.
And then she is the reason that we
don't have good weather stripping around that door
anymore because she wanted to go back into
the garage
and clawed
at the door, and there was weather stripping
there that's
now not there. Yep. Thanks, Onyx.
I love you too.
Mhmm. That No. Yeah. That was our Onyx
adventure.
Mhmm. Mhmm.
So Oh, anyway. Yep.
That's us. Mhmm.
Yeah. That's it. Yeah. Thanks for being here.
Uh-huh. Especially to to the better end. Yeah.
We'll be back next week for livestream. It'll
be at a time. I just don't know
what time. Yeah. Me neither. We gotta figure
that out. And, yeah. We'll talk to y'all
soon. Mhmm. Okay. Bye. Bye.