1 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:13,279 You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla 2 00:00:13,279 --> 00:00:15,044 Lark's here with the one, the only, the 3 00:00:15,044 --> 00:00:17,524 guy who is a massive tease in kink 4 00:00:17,524 --> 00:00:20,004 ways, non kink ways, and all facets of 5 00:00:20,004 --> 00:00:23,544 life because it amuses him. John Brownstone. Uh-huh. 6 00:00:24,004 --> 00:00:25,144 Uh-huh. Yeah. 7 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:26,980 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 8 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:29,699 That's all I have to say about that. 9 00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:32,079 Because if I say more, you'll use it 10 00:00:32,079 --> 00:00:33,679 as a way to tease me in some 11 00:00:33,679 --> 00:00:36,079 way. That's correct. I know. So I'm just 12 00:00:36,079 --> 00:00:37,299 gonna skip that part. 13 00:00:39,434 --> 00:00:41,835 This week, we're answering a question from a 14 00:00:41,835 --> 00:00:42,894 kinkster who 15 00:00:44,394 --> 00:00:47,114 opened up their relationship and now was trying 16 00:00:47,114 --> 00:00:48,795 to close it again and trying to get 17 00:00:48,795 --> 00:00:50,494 back to what they used to have, and 18 00:00:51,515 --> 00:00:52,814 it might be a little complicated. 19 00:00:54,189 --> 00:00:56,189 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're 20 00:00:56,189 --> 00:00:57,630 new here, we hope kinksters like you have 21 00:00:57,630 --> 00:00:59,329 happy, healthy power exchange relationships. 22 00:00:59,630 --> 00:01:01,309 Have the podcast your favorite podcast apps so 23 00:01:01,309 --> 00:01:03,070 you never miss an episode. And if you'd 24 00:01:03,070 --> 00:01:04,510 like us to answer one of your questions 25 00:01:04,510 --> 00:01:06,564 in a future one of these, we have 26 00:01:06,564 --> 00:01:08,405 a contact page that's literally called ask your 27 00:01:08,405 --> 00:01:08,905 questions, 28 00:01:09,525 --> 00:01:11,064 on our website at lovingbdsm.net. 29 00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:13,465 That's lovingbdsm.net. 30 00:01:14,965 --> 00:01:16,905 Or you should be able to find the 31 00:01:16,965 --> 00:01:17,465 link, 32 00:01:17,844 --> 00:01:19,144 to our contact page 33 00:01:19,609 --> 00:01:22,090 in the show notes for this episode. Okay. 34 00:01:22,090 --> 00:01:24,170 This week's question is sort of short and 35 00:01:24,170 --> 00:01:26,409 sweet, but I think there's a a lot 36 00:01:26,409 --> 00:01:29,290 being said here. Mhmm. Okay. Here we go. 37 00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:31,290 My sub and I negotiated that we would 38 00:01:31,290 --> 00:01:32,989 have a semi open relationship. 39 00:01:33,634 --> 00:01:35,875 However, some friends who have a full open 40 00:01:35,875 --> 00:01:38,435 relationship are going through things. Not my story 41 00:01:38,435 --> 00:01:40,274 to tell about them. However, I'm more or 42 00:01:40,274 --> 00:01:42,754 less playing peacemaker with them, and it's taken 43 00:01:42,754 --> 00:01:44,354 a toll on the mental health for both 44 00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:47,270 of us. So I kind of renegotiated that 45 00:01:47,270 --> 00:01:49,189 we should go back to being closed off 46 00:01:49,189 --> 00:01:50,950 for a while so we could focus on 47 00:01:50,950 --> 00:01:53,290 us and get back to our regular selves. 48 00:01:53,670 --> 00:01:55,510 Basically, I'm just asking if you have any 49 00:01:55,510 --> 00:01:57,270 tips for us to get back to almost 50 00:01:57,270 --> 00:01:59,109 normal. I know it'll take time, but I 51 00:01:59,109 --> 00:02:00,730 just don't know how to get there. 52 00:02:02,825 --> 00:02:03,965 Well, you know what? 53 00:02:05,784 --> 00:02:08,025 The the fact that they state right off 54 00:02:08,025 --> 00:02:09,805 the fact that their mental health 55 00:02:10,344 --> 00:02:12,664 was was taking a hit because they're, you 56 00:02:12,664 --> 00:02:15,680 know, playing peacemaker with this other couple, 57 00:02:16,379 --> 00:02:17,520 that speaks volumes. 58 00:02:18,060 --> 00:02:19,120 Mhmm. You know? 59 00:02:19,580 --> 00:02:20,479 And and, 60 00:02:21,340 --> 00:02:23,659 you know, stepping back to to take care 61 00:02:23,659 --> 00:02:24,719 of your mental health, 62 00:02:25,260 --> 00:02:26,560 that should be a priority. 63 00:02:27,275 --> 00:02:30,155 Right. You being peacemaker for another couple to 64 00:02:30,155 --> 00:02:32,235 the detriment of your own mental health and 65 00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:33,134 your relationship? 66 00:02:34,074 --> 00:02:36,634 Probably not a great idea. No. No. So, 67 00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:37,194 you know, 68 00:02:38,634 --> 00:02:40,715 Yeah. You, you know, you you you need 69 00:02:40,715 --> 00:02:41,694 to step back. 70 00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:45,819 You know, tips to do it? You and 71 00:02:45,819 --> 00:02:47,199 your partner need to talk. 72 00:02:48,060 --> 00:02:48,560 Okay? 73 00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:51,819 You need to talk, and and, you know, 74 00:02:51,819 --> 00:02:53,659 let them know how you're feeling about this, 75 00:02:53,659 --> 00:02:55,359 and and what is going on. 76 00:02:56,219 --> 00:02:58,495 Yes, it's hard to do. We just had 77 00:02:58,495 --> 00:03:00,094 a conversation the other night where, 78 00:03:01,855 --> 00:03:03,294 yeah, it was kind of hard to let 79 00:03:03,294 --> 00:03:03,955 my feelings 80 00:03:04,814 --> 00:03:05,875 out, you know. 81 00:03:06,254 --> 00:03:09,135 So it it's not uncommon, but it does 82 00:03:09,135 --> 00:03:10,355 need to be done. 83 00:03:10,735 --> 00:03:11,235 And, 84 00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,330 you know, it it is a tough thing 85 00:03:13,330 --> 00:03:13,909 to do, 86 00:03:14,290 --> 00:03:16,290 but it you you gotta do it. You 87 00:03:16,290 --> 00:03:17,349 you gotta do it. 88 00:03:18,210 --> 00:03:19,750 You know, when when you 89 00:03:20,050 --> 00:03:20,950 open a relationship 90 00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,270 and and things start happening 91 00:03:24,290 --> 00:03:25,270 that are 92 00:03:27,125 --> 00:03:27,625 causing 93 00:03:27,925 --> 00:03:31,145 strife or or disconnects in in your relationship, 94 00:03:32,805 --> 00:03:34,025 something's wrong. 95 00:03:37,530 --> 00:03:39,689 You know, we we all kind of need 96 00:03:39,689 --> 00:03:41,289 to be there for our friends and for 97 00:03:41,289 --> 00:03:42,030 our our 98 00:03:42,330 --> 00:03:42,830 people. 99 00:03:46,650 --> 00:03:47,150 But 100 00:03:47,449 --> 00:03:49,370 you know, in in something like this when 101 00:03:49,370 --> 00:03:50,830 when you open up a relationship 102 00:03:52,805 --> 00:03:54,805 it's it shouldn't be to make things more 103 00:03:54,805 --> 00:03:57,224 difficult, but to make things, 104 00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:00,644 you know, a little more fun, maybe. 105 00:04:01,044 --> 00:04:03,625 Or more satisfying based on your needs or, 106 00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,379 you know, something that is 107 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:09,360 beneficial ideally to somebody. Yeah. But, you know, 108 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:12,000 for for it to to be causing this 109 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,219 kind of of strife, 110 00:04:13,599 --> 00:04:16,160 you know, within yourself and and between your 111 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:16,660 partner, 112 00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:20,004 yeah, that that needs to be addressed sooner 113 00:04:20,004 --> 00:04:22,985 rather than later. Mhmm. Mhmm. What say you? 114 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,685 So I'm gonna I'm not gonna give a 115 00:04:25,685 --> 00:04:27,285 tip just yet. I do have tips because 116 00:04:27,444 --> 00:04:30,404 Okay. It is not uncommon for life to 117 00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:32,870 life. It does screw up your power exchange, 118 00:04:32,870 --> 00:04:34,790 and you'd have to kinda figure out how 119 00:04:34,790 --> 00:04:36,550 to get back to center and and air 120 00:04:36,550 --> 00:04:38,389 quote normal again. The thing I wanna I 121 00:04:38,389 --> 00:04:41,050 wanna fall back on because it's gonna hinder 122 00:04:41,110 --> 00:04:44,629 things if it isn't handled correctly is you 123 00:04:44,629 --> 00:04:45,194 say that 124 00:04:45,595 --> 00:04:46,574 you renegotiated 125 00:04:48,795 --> 00:04:49,935 closing the relationship 126 00:04:50,314 --> 00:04:51,055 off again 127 00:04:51,355 --> 00:04:52,495 because of 128 00:04:53,035 --> 00:04:55,194 an does the way I'm understanding this, this 129 00:04:55,194 --> 00:04:57,435 is just friends and not somebody you were 130 00:04:57,435 --> 00:04:59,610 in a relationship with, and that was causing 131 00:04:59,610 --> 00:05:01,449 your mental health. I want you to do 132 00:05:01,449 --> 00:05:02,830 a check-in with your partner 133 00:05:03,210 --> 00:05:03,710 because 134 00:05:04,090 --> 00:05:06,830 did they agree to that because they genuinely 135 00:05:06,889 --> 00:05:09,370 wanted to agree to that? Mhmm. Or did 136 00:05:09,370 --> 00:05:09,870 they 137 00:05:10,569 --> 00:05:12,270 turn off another relationship 138 00:05:12,650 --> 00:05:15,165 that meant something to them to keep you 139 00:05:15,165 --> 00:05:15,665 happy 140 00:05:16,204 --> 00:05:17,264 when and I'm gonna, 141 00:05:17,725 --> 00:05:19,324 I think, probably give a little tough love, 142 00:05:19,324 --> 00:05:20,925 and I'm trying to I'm I'm trying to 143 00:05:20,925 --> 00:05:21,584 be empathetic. 144 00:05:21,964 --> 00:05:22,464 Mhmm. 145 00:05:22,845 --> 00:05:24,225 A thing that 146 00:05:24,764 --> 00:05:26,785 was not central to your relationship 147 00:05:27,165 --> 00:05:28,464 with your current partner 148 00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:30,849 was affecting your relationship. 149 00:05:31,709 --> 00:05:32,209 And 150 00:05:32,909 --> 00:05:34,829 I haven't heard you say, I'm taking a 151 00:05:34,829 --> 00:05:36,430 step back from these friends so I can 152 00:05:36,430 --> 00:05:38,509 take care of myself and my relationship. I'm 153 00:05:38,509 --> 00:05:40,509 hearing you say, I closed off something that 154 00:05:40,509 --> 00:05:42,589 potentially me and or my partner really wanted. 155 00:05:42,589 --> 00:05:44,430 So I'm not saying it's a bad thing 156 00:05:44,430 --> 00:05:46,375 to do that. JB and I have had 157 00:05:46,375 --> 00:05:48,214 to kind of have that conversation, and it's 158 00:05:48,214 --> 00:05:50,454 not been that we just stopped being non 159 00:05:50,454 --> 00:05:53,514 monogamous. It's more like he stopped pursuing 160 00:05:54,214 --> 00:05:57,495 folks or keeping himself open to the idea 161 00:05:57,495 --> 00:05:59,769 of, somebody coming into his life, and it 162 00:05:59,769 --> 00:06:01,470 was more of a that and not a, 163 00:06:01,769 --> 00:06:04,569 we shut down a whole other thing that 164 00:06:04,569 --> 00:06:07,289 was going on outside of this situation. So 165 00:06:07,289 --> 00:06:09,709 just, if you didn't do it already, or 166 00:06:10,089 --> 00:06:11,529 if you think there might have been a 167 00:06:11,529 --> 00:06:13,229 possibility that your partner 168 00:06:14,024 --> 00:06:15,164 allowed that renegotiation 169 00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:17,865 under any sort of duress, I want you 170 00:06:17,865 --> 00:06:19,324 to do a check-in. Because 171 00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:23,164 if they are unhappy with what you renegotiated 172 00:06:23,464 --> 00:06:25,245 in the way you you say it here, 173 00:06:25,750 --> 00:06:28,149 That's going to cause more problems further down, 174 00:06:28,149 --> 00:06:29,430 and it's gonna be harder to get back 175 00:06:29,430 --> 00:06:30,330 to normal. So 176 00:06:30,709 --> 00:06:33,529 make sure y'all are at the same place. 177 00:06:33,589 --> 00:06:35,689 Right? Make sure you're you're both 178 00:06:36,550 --> 00:06:38,629 not satisfied with your relationship. You wouldn't have 179 00:06:38,629 --> 00:06:40,335 asked for tips if you were satisfied, but 180 00:06:40,335 --> 00:06:42,014 that you're happy to be at this place 181 00:06:42,014 --> 00:06:42,995 where you're you're 182 00:06:43,535 --> 00:06:44,035 rebuilding 183 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:47,235 each other is what I would say there. 184 00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:49,055 And it may be that you already know 185 00:06:49,055 --> 00:06:50,335 that, and it was fine, and it was 186 00:06:50,335 --> 00:06:52,595 a it was a no big deal. 187 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:53,660 But 188 00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:55,580 when one partner says, 189 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:56,460 I 190 00:06:57,319 --> 00:07:00,040 negotiated something Mhmm. My first thought is, but 191 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,720 how did the other partner feel? So if 192 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:02,779 you don't know, 193 00:07:04,439 --> 00:07:06,600 or you think you know, but you're not 194 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,595 getting the right vibe, I'm just saying do 195 00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:11,074 a check-in. Okay? That's that's a good point. 196 00:07:11,074 --> 00:07:13,235 That's that's a good point. Because you were 197 00:07:13,235 --> 00:07:16,035 going through a thing, so you needed to 198 00:07:16,035 --> 00:07:16,855 make changes. 199 00:07:18,355 --> 00:07:18,855 Fair. 200 00:07:19,394 --> 00:07:21,154 How did that impact your partner? That's the 201 00:07:21,154 --> 00:07:22,595 thing to double check on if you don't 202 00:07:22,595 --> 00:07:23,095 know. 203 00:07:25,209 --> 00:07:27,449 I completely agree with you. Like, just the 204 00:07:27,449 --> 00:07:29,689 thing that's causing the mental health problem to 205 00:07:29,689 --> 00:07:31,209 the extent that you possibly can, you need 206 00:07:31,209 --> 00:07:32,889 to back away because now your relationship has 207 00:07:32,889 --> 00:07:33,870 suffered that relationship. 208 00:07:35,290 --> 00:07:38,009 I mean, I'm assuming has is is holding 209 00:07:38,009 --> 00:07:39,645 more importance. Right? Or you wouldn't be trying 210 00:07:39,645 --> 00:07:41,645 to work on it. Now the thing to 211 00:07:41,645 --> 00:07:43,564 getting back to normal, there's gonna be a 212 00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:45,324 lot of communication because you do need to 213 00:07:45,324 --> 00:07:46,145 talk about 214 00:07:46,764 --> 00:07:49,165 not just how you're feeling, which, you know, 215 00:07:49,165 --> 00:07:51,165 depending on you know, you say my subs, 216 00:07:51,165 --> 00:07:52,925 so I'm assuming you are the dom. Doms 217 00:07:52,925 --> 00:07:54,769 don't always do well with talking about their 218 00:07:54,769 --> 00:07:56,310 feelings, and it it can be, 219 00:07:57,170 --> 00:07:58,769 really difficult. And it can be hard to 220 00:07:58,769 --> 00:08:00,610 be vulnerable, and that's an important thing to 221 00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:02,689 do. At the same time, you need to 222 00:08:02,689 --> 00:08:04,790 spend time listening to your partner 223 00:08:05,329 --> 00:08:07,089 on what's going on with them, how they're 224 00:08:07,089 --> 00:08:09,634 feeling about the disconnect that you, 225 00:08:10,095 --> 00:08:12,435 have had or the the change from, 226 00:08:13,854 --> 00:08:16,735 monogamous to non monogamous, back to monogamous. They 227 00:08:16,735 --> 00:08:18,735 may have their own feelings. So it's a 228 00:08:18,735 --> 00:08:21,134 back and forth thing of just hearing each 229 00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:21,779 other out. 230 00:08:22,180 --> 00:08:24,100 You know, you talk about how not that 231 00:08:24,100 --> 00:08:24,920 long ago 232 00:08:25,540 --> 00:08:28,019 you needed to do that, and I, as 233 00:08:28,019 --> 00:08:29,939 usual, had to just yank it out of 234 00:08:29,939 --> 00:08:30,439 you. 235 00:08:31,379 --> 00:08:33,700 It doesn't look like submission from the outside, 236 00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:35,620 but, you know Yeah. I'm I'm being of 237 00:08:35,620 --> 00:08:36,120 service. 238 00:08:36,980 --> 00:08:39,384 True. And the thing is is you opening 239 00:08:39,384 --> 00:08:41,384 up gave room in the conversation for us 240 00:08:41,384 --> 00:08:43,065 to kind of both talk. And at the 241 00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:45,784 end of it, nothing was different, nothing was 242 00:08:45,784 --> 00:08:46,284 solved, 243 00:08:46,585 --> 00:08:49,325 but we both felt better. Because the release 244 00:08:49,384 --> 00:08:52,044 of those pent up emotions Yeah. Can 245 00:08:52,910 --> 00:08:54,590 it it's like a release valve of the 246 00:08:54,590 --> 00:08:57,070 pressure. Right? You're not holding it within yourself 247 00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:59,149 all alone. You've put it out there into 248 00:08:59,149 --> 00:09:01,629 the world. You've hopefully gotten some empathy back 249 00:09:01,629 --> 00:09:03,790 from a partner. You may have heard it 250 00:09:03,950 --> 00:09:05,710 heard yourself say it and go, oh my 251 00:09:05,710 --> 00:09:07,070 gosh. I'm holding on to this thing and 252 00:09:07,070 --> 00:09:07,570 it 253 00:09:07,934 --> 00:09:10,174 it isn't that big. It isn't that important. 254 00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:13,054 But because you've internalized it, it feels bigger 255 00:09:13,054 --> 00:09:14,674 and more important. Or 256 00:09:14,975 --> 00:09:16,894 it is as big and important as you 257 00:09:16,894 --> 00:09:18,495 knew it to be, but saying it and 258 00:09:18,495 --> 00:09:20,220 knowing that you're now not alone in it 259 00:09:20,379 --> 00:09:22,220 means you're not carrying the weight of it 260 00:09:22,220 --> 00:09:22,720 alone. 261 00:09:23,339 --> 00:09:25,759 So get ready for lots of conversation. 262 00:09:26,139 --> 00:09:28,379 Yep. This is also a good time when 263 00:09:28,379 --> 00:09:31,019 you start making shifts in your relationship and 264 00:09:31,019 --> 00:09:33,179 your dynamic because of things that are happening 265 00:09:33,179 --> 00:09:35,544 kind of outside to you. This can be 266 00:09:35,544 --> 00:09:38,365 a great time to fix things that weren't 267 00:09:38,504 --> 00:09:40,504 great to begin with. Not and I don't 268 00:09:40,504 --> 00:09:42,184 necessarily mean, like, your relationship was on the 269 00:09:42,184 --> 00:09:43,705 rocks, now we're gonna make it better, but 270 00:09:43,705 --> 00:09:45,625 more like, were there things that could have 271 00:09:45,625 --> 00:09:47,544 been done better? Were there things in your 272 00:09:47,544 --> 00:09:48,924 power exchange where 273 00:09:49,709 --> 00:09:51,470 you did it because you've been doing it 274 00:09:51,470 --> 00:09:52,209 for forever, 275 00:09:52,829 --> 00:09:54,589 not because it really had any meaning to 276 00:09:54,589 --> 00:09:56,769 you? This can be a time to go. 277 00:09:56,990 --> 00:09:58,909 We don't have to do exactly what we 278 00:09:58,909 --> 00:10:00,449 were doing before. We can 279 00:10:00,909 --> 00:10:03,309 we can take what worked really well before. 280 00:10:03,309 --> 00:10:06,154 We were each mutually excited about or satisfied 281 00:10:06,154 --> 00:10:08,315 with or happy to do and let the 282 00:10:08,315 --> 00:10:10,634 rest fall away. Because the big tip for, 283 00:10:10,634 --> 00:10:13,034 quote, getting back to normal is to start 284 00:10:13,034 --> 00:10:14,334 really slow and small. 285 00:10:14,714 --> 00:10:16,394 Now the pace at which you go from 286 00:10:16,394 --> 00:10:19,230 slow and small to a lot more depends 287 00:10:19,230 --> 00:10:21,070 on the situation, depends on both the all, 288 00:10:21,070 --> 00:10:23,409 depends on how you're feeling, depends on whether, 289 00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:24,429 you know, your 290 00:10:25,789 --> 00:10:27,470 you know, if your mental health is able 291 00:10:27,470 --> 00:10:29,409 to continue to improve as 292 00:10:29,710 --> 00:10:31,725 the things shift around in the other parts 293 00:10:31,725 --> 00:10:33,404 of your life, then you can do more. 294 00:10:33,404 --> 00:10:35,424 And if it's more of a very nonlinear 295 00:10:35,644 --> 00:10:36,144 curvy 296 00:10:36,684 --> 00:10:39,725 squiggle line more of progression, which is more 297 00:10:39,725 --> 00:10:40,225 typical, 298 00:10:40,924 --> 00:10:41,585 you may 299 00:10:42,365 --> 00:10:44,524 start slow and small, pick up some speed, 300 00:10:44,524 --> 00:10:46,620 add a few things, stop there for a 301 00:10:46,620 --> 00:10:48,779 while, maybe even pull back, add more things. 302 00:10:48,779 --> 00:10:49,440 And it's 303 00:10:49,820 --> 00:10:52,159 a 2 steps forward, 1 step back situation 304 00:10:52,220 --> 00:10:53,919 sometimes. But if you start 305 00:10:54,379 --> 00:10:55,519 slow and small, 306 00:10:56,379 --> 00:10:58,959 then you get to have the 307 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:00,159 memory 308 00:11:00,539 --> 00:11:02,514 come back to you of, wait. This feels 309 00:11:02,514 --> 00:11:04,835 good. We enjoy this with one another. It's 310 00:11:04,835 --> 00:11:06,754 almost a little bit of muscle memory of, 311 00:11:06,754 --> 00:11:08,195 oh, oh, we haven't done this in a 312 00:11:08,195 --> 00:11:10,274 while or we haven't done this with, like, 313 00:11:10,274 --> 00:11:12,434 intentionally for a while, and now we are 314 00:11:12,434 --> 00:11:14,035 and we're talking about it and we're checking 315 00:11:14,035 --> 00:11:16,110 in with each other and that's right. I 316 00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:18,670 remember this feels good. Sometimes we anticipate a 317 00:11:18,670 --> 00:11:19,809 thing to be harder 318 00:11:20,190 --> 00:11:23,550 than it actually is. Yep. And oftentimes, the 319 00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:26,450 first step of starting again is the hardest. 320 00:11:26,590 --> 00:11:28,269 And once you get past that and you 321 00:11:28,269 --> 00:11:29,475 just get started, 322 00:11:29,934 --> 00:11:32,754 momentum carries you forward. Right? And if you 323 00:11:32,815 --> 00:11:35,294 start slow and small, then you pick the 324 00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:35,794 thing 325 00:11:36,095 --> 00:11:37,154 you both mutually 326 00:11:37,615 --> 00:11:40,095 absolutely adore and probably miss. Right? You're trying 327 00:11:40,095 --> 00:11:42,254 to get back to normal. What haven't you 328 00:11:42,254 --> 00:11:43,715 been doing that you both miss? 329 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,820 If it were JB and myself, 330 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,600 it is either going to be impact play, 331 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:51,879 like deep impact play, or it's probably going 332 00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:52,459 to be, 333 00:11:53,799 --> 00:11:55,879 him calling me names and, like, yanking me 334 00:11:55,879 --> 00:11:57,945 around by, like, my hair. Right? Like, it's 335 00:11:58,184 --> 00:11:59,485 there's certain things 336 00:12:00,024 --> 00:12:03,065 that we're gonna are gonna instantly connect us 337 00:12:03,144 --> 00:12:05,865 Right. Because we mutually like them. When they 338 00:12:05,865 --> 00:12:07,325 happen, we're very happy. 339 00:12:08,105 --> 00:12:10,519 They can be done in very short bursts 340 00:12:10,519 --> 00:12:13,159 sometimes. And those things are are the core 341 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:16,379 Right. Of our DS. Right. Exactly. 342 00:12:16,919 --> 00:12:19,240 So that's my tip for, quote, getting back 343 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:22,024 to normal. But also Yeah. You know, 344 00:12:22,485 --> 00:12:24,024 mysterious third thing, I guess, 345 00:12:24,485 --> 00:12:26,004 do you have to get back to normal? 346 00:12:26,004 --> 00:12:28,485 Was normal working really well, or is it 347 00:12:28,485 --> 00:12:29,304 time to, 348 00:12:29,845 --> 00:12:31,764 again, mutually, if this works for both of 349 00:12:31,764 --> 00:12:34,565 you Mhmm. Just recapitulate things. Yeah. This is 350 00:12:34,565 --> 00:12:36,245 a good time for a shift if a 351 00:12:36,245 --> 00:12:38,070 shift is what's needed. 352 00:12:38,450 --> 00:12:38,950 Right? 353 00:12:39,730 --> 00:12:40,230 There 354 00:12:40,610 --> 00:12:41,889 any time can be a good time for 355 00:12:41,889 --> 00:12:43,570 a shift, but, man, when you're like, uh-oh, 356 00:12:43,570 --> 00:12:45,089 it's we gotta go back to building blocks. 357 00:12:45,089 --> 00:12:45,909 We gotta, like, 358 00:12:46,210 --> 00:12:48,529 reconnect again and get intimate with one another 359 00:12:48,529 --> 00:12:50,049 again. And I don't just mean fuckery. I 360 00:12:50,049 --> 00:12:52,054 mean, like. Yeah. I'm it it it's a 361 00:12:52,054 --> 00:12:54,315 it's a good time to be introspective. 362 00:12:54,855 --> 00:12:55,914 Yes. Absolutely. 363 00:12:56,454 --> 00:12:56,954 Absolutely. 364 00:12:58,054 --> 00:13:00,214 But I would just I would the very 365 00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:02,694 first thing the very, very first thing I 366 00:13:02,694 --> 00:13:04,500 agree with you. Withdraw yourself from this thing 367 00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,339 that's screwing up your mental health. Right? Can 368 00:13:06,339 --> 00:13:07,779 you pass it off to another friend? Can 369 00:13:07,779 --> 00:13:09,779 you just tell your friends, I care about 370 00:13:09,779 --> 00:13:11,779 you deeply, I wanna be here for you, 371 00:13:11,779 --> 00:13:13,639 but it it's now wrecking me 372 00:13:14,019 --> 00:13:16,259 and my relationship, and I have to focus 373 00:13:16,259 --> 00:13:17,615 on that. Right? Right. 374 00:13:17,995 --> 00:13:19,835 And then after that, do a level set. 375 00:13:19,835 --> 00:13:21,115 Make sure you and your partner are on 376 00:13:21,115 --> 00:13:22,875 the same page. That might be a hard 377 00:13:22,875 --> 00:13:23,375 conversation. 378 00:13:23,915 --> 00:13:25,375 Hopefully, your partner feels, 379 00:13:25,995 --> 00:13:27,835 secure enough to tell you exactly how they 380 00:13:27,835 --> 00:13:29,375 feel so you'll know 381 00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:32,110 y'all are on the same page. But that's 382 00:13:32,110 --> 00:13:33,870 the the thing I would And, you know, 383 00:13:33,870 --> 00:13:34,990 I I would kind of, 384 00:13:36,589 --> 00:13:38,350 look at you know, they don't really say 385 00:13:38,350 --> 00:13:38,850 what 386 00:13:39,309 --> 00:13:40,850 this these friends, 387 00:13:41,470 --> 00:13:43,004 you know, kind of are 388 00:13:43,485 --> 00:13:45,664 to them, how they fit into all this. 389 00:13:46,524 --> 00:13:49,725 You know, if they're going to step back, 390 00:13:49,725 --> 00:13:51,725 which I think is is is a good 391 00:13:51,725 --> 00:13:52,225 move, 392 00:13:52,605 --> 00:13:53,985 you know. Mhmm. 393 00:13:54,845 --> 00:13:56,465 Understand that, you know, 394 00:13:57,379 --> 00:13:59,160 depending on what the relationship 395 00:14:00,019 --> 00:14:01,080 is or was 396 00:14:01,539 --> 00:14:03,879 with them, you know, you will 397 00:14:04,259 --> 00:14:06,899 very possibly go through something what feels like 398 00:14:06,899 --> 00:14:07,480 a breakup. 399 00:14:07,779 --> 00:14:09,879 Could be, mhmm. Mhmm. You know, 400 00:14:10,184 --> 00:14:11,485 And and that is something 401 00:14:11,785 --> 00:14:14,424 to be aware of going forward. And if, 402 00:14:14,424 --> 00:14:16,524 you know, you are so deep in in 403 00:14:16,745 --> 00:14:18,044 people other people's 404 00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:20,424 problems that you care about them and you 405 00:14:20,585 --> 00:14:22,289 you're in so deep it is messing you 406 00:14:22,289 --> 00:14:24,929 up, that's on on some levels, that's commendable 407 00:14:25,169 --> 00:14:28,289 Mhmm. That you care about these people. You 408 00:14:28,289 --> 00:14:30,370 want to help them. You want to maybe, 409 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,110 you know, 410 00:14:32,209 --> 00:14:35,089 reduce friction or reduce the problems that exist 411 00:14:35,089 --> 00:14:35,286 or, you know, be supportive or whatever it 412 00:14:35,286 --> 00:14:35,990 is. And the thing is is, yes, 413 00:14:36,665 --> 00:14:39,004 And the thing is is, yes, but 414 00:14:39,785 --> 00:14:39,998 also we have to put our own oxygen 415 00:14:39,998 --> 00:14:41,225 mask on first. Mhmm. And you are not 416 00:14:41,225 --> 00:14:43,245 a bad person for taking care of your 417 00:14:49,399 --> 00:14:49,899 self 418 00:14:50,279 --> 00:14:53,660 and not automatically taking care of others. Okay? 419 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,500 Ideally, if these are folks that 420 00:14:58,519 --> 00:15:01,240 were worth it enough to put yourself through 421 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:01,740 this, 422 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,059 they will care about you 423 00:15:05,014 --> 00:15:06,235 enough to go, 424 00:15:06,535 --> 00:15:08,634 I get it. Right? I get it. 425 00:15:09,975 --> 00:15:11,575 And I hope they are. That's not always 426 00:15:11,575 --> 00:15:12,855 true, but I I hope for your sake 427 00:15:12,855 --> 00:15:14,294 they are, so you don't bother through this. 428 00:15:14,294 --> 00:15:16,134 What you what you wanna watch out for 429 00:15:16,134 --> 00:15:19,379 too, you know, hope hopefully, you know, everybody's 430 00:15:19,379 --> 00:15:21,639 stepping back. They can get their their things 431 00:15:21,940 --> 00:15:23,559 sorted and and and whatnot. 432 00:15:23,860 --> 00:15:26,100 But, you know, if if if you try 433 00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:28,420 to go back into this with with these 434 00:15:28,420 --> 00:15:31,059 people and the same type of thing starts 435 00:15:31,059 --> 00:15:31,559 happening, 436 00:15:32,495 --> 00:15:34,654 you know, then you kinda gotta you you 437 00:15:34,654 --> 00:15:36,414 gotta make a tough decision then at that 438 00:15:36,414 --> 00:15:38,995 point, you know, to to step back completely. 439 00:15:39,134 --> 00:15:40,815 Absolutely. Because you don't, you know, you don't 440 00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:43,534 wanna keep repeating the cycle. No. Especially if 441 00:15:43,534 --> 00:15:45,154 it keeps harming the relationship 442 00:15:45,559 --> 00:15:47,480 that you have that you want to maintain 443 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:48,940 with your partner. Right? 444 00:15:50,039 --> 00:15:51,740 I think it is understandable 445 00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:53,019 for 446 00:15:53,639 --> 00:15:54,860 sometimes you know, 447 00:15:55,399 --> 00:15:57,320 JB is much more social than I am. 448 00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,014 He has more friends. So that means he 449 00:15:59,014 --> 00:16:00,774 tends to see a little bit more drama, 450 00:16:00,774 --> 00:16:02,214 a little bit more strife, a little bit 451 00:16:02,214 --> 00:16:02,714 more 452 00:16:03,174 --> 00:16:05,095 stuff than I see. Because I'm over here 453 00:16:05,095 --> 00:16:08,475 in my house in my co cozy, comfy 454 00:16:08,774 --> 00:16:11,495 couch and clothes by my damn self. In 455 00:16:11,495 --> 00:16:14,350 your little corner. So there are times JB 456 00:16:14,350 --> 00:16:15,570 is going through something 457 00:16:16,110 --> 00:16:18,750 that doesn't have anything to do with us. 458 00:16:18,750 --> 00:16:20,110 And so what I try to be is 459 00:16:20,110 --> 00:16:20,610 supportive 460 00:16:20,910 --> 00:16:23,230 and empathetic. And what what do you need 461 00:16:23,230 --> 00:16:24,830 from me to help you while you go 462 00:16:24,830 --> 00:16:26,414 through this thing with a friend or this 463 00:16:26,414 --> 00:16:28,254 thing with, you know, something going on in 464 00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:29,855 in your part of the community that I 465 00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:31,235 don't really touch. Right? 466 00:16:31,934 --> 00:16:33,855 But also, it is kind of my job 467 00:16:33,855 --> 00:16:36,095 to go, hey. I I get this is 468 00:16:36,095 --> 00:16:38,095 important to you. And when it's important to 469 00:16:38,095 --> 00:16:40,115 you, it's important to me. But 470 00:16:40,569 --> 00:16:42,269 this is negatively impacting 471 00:16:42,649 --> 00:16:44,889 us now. Yeah. Right? And if you have 472 00:16:44,889 --> 00:16:46,250 to keep going back and forth and back 473 00:16:46,250 --> 00:16:47,769 and forth like that with your partner, that's 474 00:16:47,769 --> 00:16:49,049 not fair to your partner, that's not fair 475 00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:51,850 to you. Mhmm. And I I truly think 476 00:16:51,850 --> 00:16:54,089 good friends don't want you to do that. 477 00:16:54,089 --> 00:16:56,754 No. Mm-mm. Because you don't help anybody 478 00:16:57,134 --> 00:16:59,534 by breaking yourself on the rocks of other 479 00:16:59,534 --> 00:17:00,034 people's 480 00:17:00,575 --> 00:17:02,514 Mhmm. You know, interpersonal problems. 481 00:17:04,575 --> 00:17:05,474 Not if 482 00:17:06,255 --> 00:17:07,500 you you know, 483 00:17:08,380 --> 00:17:10,059 not to your own detriment, not to the 484 00:17:10,059 --> 00:17:11,359 detriment of your relationships. 485 00:17:12,059 --> 00:17:13,980 Right? You still have to live in this 486 00:17:13,980 --> 00:17:16,460 world and exist as a person even with 487 00:17:16,460 --> 00:17:18,140 people you care about going through something that 488 00:17:18,140 --> 00:17:21,765 you can't change and probably can't control. Right. 489 00:17:21,845 --> 00:17:22,345 Right? 490 00:17:22,724 --> 00:17:24,984 So focus on when it comes to these 491 00:17:25,325 --> 00:17:25,825 intimate 492 00:17:26,164 --> 00:17:28,805 relationships, who and what you can control. You 493 00:17:28,805 --> 00:17:31,845 can control you and what you do and 494 00:17:31,845 --> 00:17:33,900 what you choose to focus on. 495 00:17:35,339 --> 00:17:37,339 And, and I just want to add one 496 00:17:37,339 --> 00:17:39,039 more little caveat to all this. 497 00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:41,920 You know, when Kayla and I first, 498 00:17:43,099 --> 00:17:44,640 decided to open our relationship, 499 00:17:45,420 --> 00:17:46,320 you know, we 500 00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:49,375 talked about it for quite a while before, 501 00:17:49,595 --> 00:17:50,255 you know, 502 00:17:51,034 --> 00:17:51,534 anybody 503 00:17:51,914 --> 00:17:52,654 did anything. 504 00:17:54,794 --> 00:17:57,115 And, you know, in all that talking, you 505 00:17:57,115 --> 00:17:59,034 know, we we we kind of said, you 506 00:17:59,034 --> 00:18:01,115 know, what what are we looking at here? 507 00:18:01,115 --> 00:18:03,970 What does this potentially look like? You know, 508 00:18:03,970 --> 00:18:06,929 what are the the the boundaries, the this, 509 00:18:06,929 --> 00:18:09,089 that, and and we thought we had everything 510 00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:10,710 covered in the beginning, 511 00:18:11,730 --> 00:18:13,250 until the first time I went out on 512 00:18:13,250 --> 00:18:14,230 a date with someone. 513 00:18:15,409 --> 00:18:17,505 You learn a lot by about yourself the 514 00:18:17,585 --> 00:18:18,964 first time your partner 515 00:18:19,505 --> 00:18:21,125 goes off like that. Yeah. 516 00:18:21,585 --> 00:18:23,765 And and what ended up happening, 517 00:18:24,944 --> 00:18:27,365 we had to do a step back and 518 00:18:28,065 --> 00:18:29,204 and kind of renegotiate 519 00:18:29,505 --> 00:18:31,365 things and and, you know, 520 00:18:32,269 --> 00:18:32,929 not really, 521 00:18:33,470 --> 00:18:35,569 you know, we didn't have to step back 522 00:18:35,710 --> 00:18:37,630 ourselves at that time, but we kind of 523 00:18:37,630 --> 00:18:38,529 needed to, you know, 524 00:18:39,950 --> 00:18:41,329 rework some things. 525 00:18:41,710 --> 00:18:43,869 Absolutely. Because the the first time you went 526 00:18:43,869 --> 00:18:45,630 off and did that, like I say, I 527 00:18:45,630 --> 00:18:47,244 I learned some things about how I was 528 00:18:47,244 --> 00:18:48,845 gonna react, and then I had to figure 529 00:18:48,845 --> 00:18:50,684 out what was stuff that I needed to 530 00:18:50,684 --> 00:18:52,285 deal with on my own and what was 531 00:18:52,285 --> 00:18:53,884 stuff that I could bring to you and 532 00:18:53,884 --> 00:18:55,265 we could we could talk about. 533 00:18:56,684 --> 00:18:58,684 So that is true in any facet of 534 00:18:58,684 --> 00:18:59,345 a relationship. 535 00:19:01,549 --> 00:19:03,549 So just kinda keep that in mind. You 536 00:19:03,549 --> 00:19:05,069 will make these plans to get back to 537 00:19:05,069 --> 00:19:06,990 normal. You will try to enact it, and 538 00:19:06,990 --> 00:19:09,230 then something might not feel right or work, 539 00:19:09,230 --> 00:19:11,169 and so you just talk about it again. 540 00:19:11,230 --> 00:19:14,529 So, you know, going going forward with this, 541 00:19:14,964 --> 00:19:17,044 this may be a good time for you 542 00:19:17,044 --> 00:19:19,444 to, you know, again, like I said earlier, 543 00:19:19,444 --> 00:19:21,144 you know, be a little introspective, 544 00:19:21,605 --> 00:19:24,085 but, you know, look at the situation and 545 00:19:24,085 --> 00:19:26,484 and the things that happened, talk about them 546 00:19:26,484 --> 00:19:28,484 with your partners, and maybe you need to 547 00:19:28,484 --> 00:19:31,759 set some some rules or boundaries Right. You 548 00:19:31,759 --> 00:19:34,259 know, to to to kind of, you know, 549 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,220 waylay that in the future. Right. 550 00:19:37,599 --> 00:19:39,380 No, I agree. So, yeah. 551 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:41,599 Reduce what is putting the strain on your 552 00:19:41,599 --> 00:19:43,234 mental health to the Yeah. Best of your 553 00:19:43,234 --> 00:19:45,394 ability. Make sure you're on the same page 554 00:19:45,394 --> 00:19:47,554 with your partner, and then start slow and 555 00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:49,954 small with whatever getting back to normal is, 556 00:19:49,954 --> 00:19:52,755 and reassess if we wanna go back to 557 00:19:52,755 --> 00:19:54,194 it. Try to go back to what you 558 00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:55,779 have before or if this is the a 559 00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:57,619 good time to sort of make a shift. 560 00:19:57,619 --> 00:19:59,559 The I think those would be our tips 561 00:19:59,859 --> 00:20:02,740 for your situation. Mhmm. Mhmm. Thanks for listening 562 00:20:02,740 --> 00:20:04,259 to this week's q and a episode. If 563 00:20:04,259 --> 00:20:05,539 you want us to answer one of your 564 00:20:05,539 --> 00:20:07,299 questions, just use the contact page on our 565 00:20:07,299 --> 00:20:08,295 website at lovingbdsm.net, 566 00:20:09,234 --> 00:20:10,434 or you can find the link in the 567 00:20:10,434 --> 00:20:12,275 show notes. Big thanks as always to our 568 00:20:12,275 --> 00:20:14,595 kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to 569 00:20:14,595 --> 00:20:16,355 do this podcast and keep it going and 570 00:20:16,355 --> 00:20:18,914 help kinksters due to your support. If you'd 571 00:20:18,914 --> 00:20:20,355 like to be part of our community and 572 00:20:20,355 --> 00:20:22,259 get access to extra content and a Discord 573 00:20:22,259 --> 00:20:23,940 server with a group of super cool, super 574 00:20:23,940 --> 00:20:25,859 nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join 575 00:20:25,859 --> 00:20:26,679 us at patreon.com/kayla 576 00:20:27,619 --> 00:20:28,839 lords. That's patreon.com/kayla 577 00:20:30,259 --> 00:20:31,779 lords, or use the link in the show 578 00:20:31,779 --> 00:20:32,279 notes.