You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lark's here with the one, the only, the
guy who is a massive tease in kink
ways, non kink ways, and all facets of
life because it amuses him. John Brownstone. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
That's all I have to say about that.
Because if I say more, you'll use it
as a way to tease me in some
way. That's correct. I know. So I'm just
gonna skip that part.
This week, we're answering a question from a
kinkster who
opened up their relationship and now was trying
to close it again and trying to get
back to what they used to have, and
it might be a little complicated.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're
new here, we hope kinksters like you have
happy, healthy power exchange relationships.
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Or you should be able to find the
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to our contact page
in the show notes for this episode. Okay.
This week's question is sort of short and
sweet, but I think there's a a lot
being said here. Mhmm. Okay. Here we go.
My sub and I negotiated that we would
have a semi open relationship.
However, some friends who have a full open
relationship are going through things. Not my story
to tell about them. However, I'm more or
less playing peacemaker with them, and it's taken
a toll on the mental health for both
of us. So I kind of renegotiated that
we should go back to being closed off
for a while so we could focus on
us and get back to our regular selves.
Basically, I'm just asking if you have any
tips for us to get back to almost
normal. I know it'll take time, but I
just don't know how to get there.
Well, you know what?
The the fact that they state right off
the fact that their mental health
was was taking a hit because they're, you
know, playing peacemaker with this other couple,
that speaks volumes.
Mhmm. You know?
And and,
you know, stepping back to to take care
of your mental health,
that should be a priority.
Right. You being peacemaker for another couple to
the detriment of your own mental health and
your relationship?
Probably not a great idea. No. No. So,
you know,
Yeah. You, you know, you you you need
to step back.
You know, tips to do it? You and
your partner need to talk.
Okay?
You need to talk, and and, you know,
let them know how you're feeling about this,
and and what is going on.
Yes, it's hard to do. We just had
a conversation the other night where,
yeah, it was kind of hard to let
my feelings
out, you know.
So it it's not uncommon, but it does
need to be done.
And,
you know, it it is a tough thing
to do,
but it you you gotta do it. You
you gotta do it.
You know, when when you
open a relationship
and and things start happening
that are
causing
strife or or disconnects in in your relationship,
something's wrong.
You know, we we all kind of need
to be there for our friends and for
our our
people.
But
you know, in in something like this when
when you open up a relationship
it's it shouldn't be to make things more
difficult, but to make things,
you know, a little more fun, maybe.
Or more satisfying based on your needs or,
you know, something that is
beneficial ideally to somebody. Yeah. But, you know,
for for it to to be causing this
kind of of strife,
you know, within yourself and and between your
partner,
yeah, that that needs to be addressed sooner
rather than later. Mhmm. Mhmm. What say you?
So I'm gonna I'm not gonna give a
tip just yet. I do have tips because
Okay. It is not uncommon for life to
life. It does screw up your power exchange,
and you'd have to kinda figure out how
to get back to center and and air
quote normal again. The thing I wanna I
wanna fall back on because it's gonna hinder
things if it isn't handled correctly is you
say that
you renegotiated
closing the relationship
off again
because of
an does the way I'm understanding this, this
is just friends and not somebody you were
in a relationship with, and that was causing
your mental health. I want you to do
a check-in with your partner
because
did they agree to that because they genuinely
wanted to agree to that? Mhmm. Or did
they
turn off another relationship
that meant something to them to keep you
happy
when and I'm gonna,
I think, probably give a little tough love,
and I'm trying to I'm I'm trying to
be empathetic.
Mhmm.
A thing that
was not central to your relationship
with your current partner
was affecting your relationship.
And
I haven't heard you say, I'm taking a
step back from these friends so I can
take care of myself and my relationship. I'm
hearing you say, I closed off something that
potentially me and or my partner really wanted.
So I'm not saying it's a bad thing
to do that. JB and I have had
to kind of have that conversation, and it's
not been that we just stopped being non
monogamous. It's more like he stopped pursuing
folks or keeping himself open to the idea
of, somebody coming into his life, and it
was more of a that and not a,
we shut down a whole other thing that
was going on outside of this situation. So
just, if you didn't do it already, or
if you think there might have been a
possibility that your partner
allowed that renegotiation
under any sort of duress, I want you
to do a check-in. Because
if they are unhappy with what you renegotiated
in the way you you say it here,
That's going to cause more problems further down,
and it's gonna be harder to get back
to normal. So
make sure y'all are at the same place.
Right? Make sure you're you're both
not satisfied with your relationship. You wouldn't have
asked for tips if you were satisfied, but
that you're happy to be at this place
where you're you're
rebuilding
each other is what I would say there.
And it may be that you already know
that, and it was fine, and it was
a it was a no big deal.
But
when one partner says,
I
negotiated something Mhmm. My first thought is, but
how did the other partner feel? So if
you don't know,
or you think you know, but you're not
getting the right vibe, I'm just saying do
a check-in. Okay? That's that's a good point.
That's that's a good point. Because you were
going through a thing, so you needed to
make changes.
Fair.
How did that impact your partner? That's the
thing to double check on if you don't
know.
I completely agree with you. Like, just the
thing that's causing the mental health problem to
the extent that you possibly can, you need
to back away because now your relationship has
suffered that relationship.
I mean, I'm assuming has is is holding
more importance. Right? Or you wouldn't be trying
to work on it. Now the thing to
getting back to normal, there's gonna be a
lot of communication because you do need to
talk about
not just how you're feeling, which, you know,
depending on you know, you say my subs,
so I'm assuming you are the dom. Doms
don't always do well with talking about their
feelings, and it it can be,
really difficult. And it can be hard to
be vulnerable, and that's an important thing to
do. At the same time, you need to
spend time listening to your partner
on what's going on with them, how they're
feeling about the disconnect that you,
have had or the the change from,
monogamous to non monogamous, back to monogamous. They
may have their own feelings. So it's a
back and forth thing of just hearing each
other out.
You know, you talk about how not that
long ago
you needed to do that, and I, as
usual, had to just yank it out of
you.
It doesn't look like submission from the outside,
but, you know Yeah. I'm I'm being of
service.
True. And the thing is is you opening
up gave room in the conversation for us
to kind of both talk. And at the
end of it, nothing was different, nothing was
solved,
but we both felt better. Because the release
of those pent up emotions Yeah. Can
it it's like a release valve of the
pressure. Right? You're not holding it within yourself
all alone. You've put it out there into
the world. You've hopefully gotten some empathy back
from a partner. You may have heard it
heard yourself say it and go, oh my
gosh. I'm holding on to this thing and
it
it isn't that big. It isn't that important.
But because you've internalized it, it feels bigger
and more important. Or
it is as big and important as you
knew it to be, but saying it and
knowing that you're now not alone in it
means you're not carrying the weight of it
alone.
So get ready for lots of conversation.
Yep. This is also a good time when
you start making shifts in your relationship and
your dynamic because of things that are happening
kind of outside to you. This can be
a great time to fix things that weren't
great to begin with. Not and I don't
necessarily mean, like, your relationship was on the
rocks, now we're gonna make it better, but
more like, were there things that could have
been done better? Were there things in your
power exchange where
you did it because you've been doing it
for forever,
not because it really had any meaning to
you? This can be a time to go.
We don't have to do exactly what we
were doing before. We can
we can take what worked really well before.
We were each mutually excited about or satisfied
with or happy to do and let the
rest fall away. Because the big tip for,
quote, getting back to normal is to start
really slow and small.
Now the pace at which you go from
slow and small to a lot more depends
on the situation, depends on both the all,
depends on how you're feeling, depends on whether,
you know, your
you know, if your mental health is able
to continue to improve as
the things shift around in the other parts
of your life, then you can do more.
And if it's more of a very nonlinear
curvy
squiggle line more of progression, which is more
typical,
you may
start slow and small, pick up some speed,
add a few things, stop there for a
while, maybe even pull back, add more things.
And it's
a 2 steps forward, 1 step back situation
sometimes. But if you start
slow and small,
then you get to have the
memory
come back to you of, wait. This feels
good. We enjoy this with one another. It's
almost a little bit of muscle memory of,
oh, oh, we haven't done this in a
while or we haven't done this with, like,
intentionally for a while, and now we are
and we're talking about it and we're checking
in with each other and that's right. I
remember this feels good. Sometimes we anticipate a
thing to be harder
than it actually is. Yep. And oftentimes, the
first step of starting again is the hardest.
And once you get past that and you
just get started,
momentum carries you forward. Right? And if you
start slow and small, then you pick the
thing
you both mutually
absolutely adore and probably miss. Right? You're trying
to get back to normal. What haven't you
been doing that you both miss?
If it were JB and myself,
it is either going to be impact play,
like deep impact play, or it's probably going
to be,
him calling me names and, like, yanking me
around by, like, my hair. Right? Like, it's
there's certain things
that we're gonna are gonna instantly connect us
Right. Because we mutually like them. When they
happen, we're very happy.
They can be done in very short bursts
sometimes. And those things are are the core
Right. Of our DS. Right. Exactly.
So that's my tip for, quote, getting back
to normal. But also Yeah. You know,
mysterious third thing, I guess,
do you have to get back to normal?
Was normal working really well, or is it
time to,
again, mutually, if this works for both of
you Mhmm. Just recapitulate things. Yeah. This is
a good time for a shift if a
shift is what's needed.
Right?
There
any time can be a good time for
a shift, but, man, when you're like, uh-oh,
it's we gotta go back to building blocks.
We gotta, like,
reconnect again and get intimate with one another
again. And I don't just mean fuckery. I
mean, like. Yeah. I'm it it it's a
it's a good time to be introspective.
Yes. Absolutely.
Absolutely.
But I would just I would the very
first thing the very, very first thing I
agree with you. Withdraw yourself from this thing
that's screwing up your mental health. Right? Can
you pass it off to another friend? Can
you just tell your friends, I care about
you deeply, I wanna be here for you,
but it it's now wrecking me
and my relationship, and I have to focus
on that. Right? Right.
And then after that, do a level set.
Make sure you and your partner are on
the same page. That might be a hard
conversation.
Hopefully, your partner feels,
secure enough to tell you exactly how they
feel so you'll know
y'all are on the same page. But that's
the the thing I would And, you know,
I I would kind of,
look at you know, they don't really say
what
this these friends,
you know, kind of are
to them, how they fit into all this.
You know, if they're going to step back,
which I think is is is a good
move,
you know. Mhmm.
Understand that, you know,
depending on what the relationship
is or was
with them, you know, you will
very possibly go through something what feels like
a breakup.
Could be, mhmm. Mhmm. You know,
And and that is something
to be aware of going forward. And if,
you know, you are so deep in in
people other people's
problems that you care about them and you
you're in so deep it is messing you
up, that's on on some levels, that's commendable
Mhmm. That you care about these people. You
want to help them. You want to maybe,
you know,
reduce friction or reduce the problems that exist
or, you know, be supportive or whatever it
is. And the thing is is, yes,
And the thing is is, yes, but
also we have to put our own oxygen
mask on first. Mhmm. And you are not
a bad person for taking care of your
self
and not automatically taking care of others. Okay?
Ideally, if these are folks that
were worth it enough to put yourself through
this,
they will care about you
enough to go,
I get it. Right? I get it.
And I hope they are. That's not always
true, but I I hope for your sake
they are, so you don't bother through this.
What you what you wanna watch out for
too, you know, hope hopefully, you know, everybody's
stepping back. They can get their their things
sorted and and and whatnot.
But, you know, if if if you try
to go back into this with with these
people and the same type of thing starts
happening,
you know, then you kinda gotta you you
gotta make a tough decision then at that
point, you know, to to step back completely.
Absolutely. Because you don't, you know, you don't
wanna keep repeating the cycle. No. Especially if
it keeps harming the relationship
that you have that you want to maintain
with your partner. Right?
I think it is understandable
for
sometimes you know,
JB is much more social than I am.
He has more friends. So that means he
tends to see a little bit more drama,
a little bit more strife, a little bit
more
stuff than I see. Because I'm over here
in my house in my co cozy, comfy
couch and clothes by my damn self. In
your little corner. So there are times JB
is going through something
that doesn't have anything to do with us.
And so what I try to be is
supportive
and empathetic. And what what do you need
from me to help you while you go
through this thing with a friend or this
thing with, you know, something going on in
in your part of the community that I
don't really touch. Right?
But also, it is kind of my job
to go, hey. I I get this is
important to you. And when it's important to
you, it's important to me. But
this is negatively impacting
us now. Yeah. Right? And if you have
to keep going back and forth and back
and forth like that with your partner, that's
not fair to your partner, that's not fair
to you. Mhmm. And I I truly think
good friends don't want you to do that.
No. Mm-mm. Because you don't help anybody
by breaking yourself on the rocks of other
people's
Mhmm. You know, interpersonal problems.
Not if
you you know,
not to your own detriment, not to the
detriment of your relationships.
Right? You still have to live in this
world and exist as a person even with
people you care about going through something that
you can't change and probably can't control. Right.
Right?
So focus on when it comes to these
intimate
relationships, who and what you can control. You
can control you and what you do and
what you choose to focus on.
And, and I just want to add one
more little caveat to all this.
You know, when Kayla and I first,
decided to open our relationship,
you know, we
talked about it for quite a while before,
you know,
anybody
did anything.
And, you know, in all that talking, you
know, we we we kind of said, you
know, what what are we looking at here?
What does this potentially look like? You know,
what are the the the boundaries, the this,
that, and and we thought we had everything
covered in the beginning,
until the first time I went out on
a date with someone.
You learn a lot by about yourself the
first time your partner
goes off like that. Yeah.
And and what ended up happening,
we had to do a step back and
and kind of renegotiate
things and and, you know,
not really,
you know, we didn't have to step back
ourselves at that time, but we kind of
needed to, you know,
rework some things.
Absolutely. Because the the first time you went
off and did that, like I say, I
I learned some things about how I was
gonna react, and then I had to figure
out what was stuff that I needed to
deal with on my own and what was
stuff that I could bring to you and
we could we could talk about.
So that is true in any facet of
a relationship.
So just kinda keep that in mind. You
will make these plans to get back to
normal. You will try to enact it, and
then something might not feel right or work,
and so you just talk about it again.
So, you know, going going forward with this,
this may be a good time for you
to, you know, again, like I said earlier,
you know, be a little introspective,
but, you know, look at the situation and
and the things that happened, talk about them
with your partners, and maybe you need to
set some some rules or boundaries Right. You
know, to to to kind of, you know,
waylay that in the future. Right.
No, I agree. So, yeah.
Reduce what is putting the strain on your
mental health to the Yeah. Best of your
ability. Make sure you're on the same page
with your partner, and then start slow and
small with whatever getting back to normal is,
and reassess if we wanna go back to
it. Try to go back to what you
have before or if this is the a
good time to sort of make a shift.
The I think those would be our tips
for your situation. Mhmm. Mhmm. Thanks for listening
to this week's q and a episode. If
you want us to answer one of your
questions, just use the contact page on our
website at lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the
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lords. That's patreon.com/kayla
lords, or use the link in the show
notes.