You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast,
episode 414.
Kayla Lourdes here with the one, the only,
the
I can't think of anything snarky to say.
Wow. I know, but I love you. And
also, insert snark here. Just assume that I'll
come up with it at some point. John
Brownstone.
Also, I apparently forgot how to say our
name, loving BDSM,
at the the very top there. If it
sounded weird to y'all, it felt weird in
my mouth. I just like, my tongue tripped
over itself. I don't know what was happening
there.
I don't know. I don't know what any
of this is about, but I will tell
you what today's
episode is about. Okay. We are still on
our back to basics series to talk about
the,
other life responsibilities,
and issues and stuff
that will get in the way of your
power exchange. And a reminder that that is
normal,
that you are not doing d s wrong
Mm-mm. When life gets in the way. Nope.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this
is your first time listening, glad to have
you. You're back for another week, welcome back.
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lords or use the link in the show
notes.
Okay. Before we get into this week's topic,
we are sponsoring We again this week. I
don't know. I don't know. It's not sponsorship
because we don't pay ourselves to say this.
This is what we do as part of
our ability to pay our mortgage,
but we do it. So
we're sponsoring we again this week.
We got new products on, like, the shops
that we have. So,
over the weekend, I released
a very limited quantity of resin paddles, paddles
made out of resin.
And they're beautiful.
Thank you. There there's only a few left,
and the next drop won't be until Black
Friday.
So if you are curious and interested, link
is in the places. But if you don't
see colors you like, that's okay. I'm in
the process of making more. It's a very
slow process right now, so that's why the
next drop's not till Black Friday. We've got,
resin paddles. You restocked wood knives. You restocked
some of our diabolical sticks. Yep.
Yeah. So
if you need some kink toys,
go check out thekinkery, thekinkery.com.
Then over on Etsy,
our latest workbook is up and available,
on Etsy. If you bought the kink bundle
this year that we, promoted in September 2024,
for anybody time traveling right now,
that this workbook was in that. But if
you did not, ta da, it's on our
Etsy shop. So it basically
is how
we would like to answer the question we
get a lot of. What punishments should we
do in our power exchange? What rewards should
we do? Because our answer is always,
we can't tell you. It depends.
So in this workbook, we outlined how punishments
we from our view, should work, can work,
the best way to go about them, and
then we gave you worksheets for you to
figure them out for yourself based on the
people involved. And then the same with rewards,
and then links to resources. So if you
are sitting around going, how do I figure
out punishments and rewards in your power exchange?
We have a workbook.
Mhmm. Link in the places.
Yeah. I think I was gonna say something
else to go with that.
I I ain't got it. It's poof. It's
already gone.
So all that being said,
let's get into the topic. So this is
the last episode we're gonna do in our
back to basics series for now.
More topics will come up. I have a
couple still kinda listed off to the side,
but there's other stuff we wanna talk about
that I wanna talk about that will be
talked about. So we're gonna do this one
because I didn't feel like we could finish
up, like, this portion of the series and
not have this one. Because this is the
one
that fucks people up the most.
This is the one where
rubber meets the road, fantasy meets reality. Mhmm.
You negotiate your power exchange. You're hyped up
about it, hopefully.
You're excited to do the thing.
Mhmm. And then
you have to work overtime for, like, a
month. And then
your kids get sick and, like, life comes
to a stop. And then
somebody gets laid off
and everybody's stressed.
And the thing I noticed that a lot
of newer kinksters do, and it can be
new to kink or just new in your
power exchange, they immediately blame themselves
for not being able to maintain
their full power exchange
through these life stressors
that are just occurring. And it's like, actually,
no. This
is the part
of the relationship where you're gonna figure out
how you navigate it in these moments. And
let me just say straight up, you're not
failing
when life lives
and the shit you wanna be doing,
power exchange, kinky fuckery,
has to take a back burner because you've
got very real, very adult, very non kink
responsibilities
you have to deal with. So True.
I'm not I don't mean to be yelling
at y'all.
I don't even feel
particularly ranting, but I do feel passionate about
this. Why? Because it's this kind of stuff
that sort of inspired the direction of our
entire podcast, which is this is what it's
like to live this. Like,
I I'm not good at talking about scenes
and the fuckery because that's fun, but I
like what I like and I only like
what I like. So I can't really talk
about it. But the, hey, I wanna call
you daddy, but, like, my mom's in town.
Hey, I'd like to kneel for you, but
these knees don't kneel.
Hey, you'd like to dom the shit out
of me, but your depression is getting like,
that's the reality
of anything we do, kinkier. Otherwise, it has
life is gonna life. It's probably what I
should have just called this episode. See?
What before we get into our topics, what
would you add to my
strongly worded non rant? I don't know what's
happening either. I don't know if I could
follow that up.
I mean, you came out guns blazing on
that one. This kinda topic, this shit's my
jam.
This shit's my jam because I want to
validate the people who feel the struggle.
I want to reassure the people who think
they've somehow done power exchange wrong or it's
somehow not for them because they can't live
the fantasy of what 247 looks like.
We call ourselves 247 y'all
not because I do things submissively. First of
all, I don't think I do anything submissively.
I don't do things
as a submissive
every moment of the day. No. Gobblaney? I'm
a goblin. I am not a demure submissive.
No. I'm a goblin.
It's because every moment of the day, no
matter what is happening in our life, he
is always daddy, I am always baby girl.
He is what we call the decider, capital
t, capital d, register trademark.
And that doesn't change even when
things are coming at us fast and furious
and we can't even keep up. And the
last time we've seen was like, I don't
I'm not even thinking about the last time
we had a full scene. That's too that's
depressing. Or the last time we got to
engage in
the part of our power exchange that's more
overt, where he's using the tone and giving
me the look, and I'm I know y'all
will be surprised by this. I'm behaving in
a meek,
mild way. It does happen. It really does.
I promise.
Because who we are to one another and
how we navigate our relationship
never changes. We have one caveat to that,
and that's parenting. It's the only place where
JB doesn't get to just decide.
Every other part of our life, I I
do the research. I form my own opinion.
Mhmm. I bring it to him. Yep. Tell
him what my opinion is, explain how I
got to that opinion, and then leave it
to him to decide because he's earned that
trust. That's why to us, we're 247.
We're not total power exchange 247 where he
micromanages my every move. Neither of us has
time for that.
No.
No. But we are always who we are.
That is how our relationship works. For other
people who have busy lives and life stressors,
you might not set it up that way.
That might not work for you, and that's
okay too. You might have to have designated
time when we are in this headspace.
This is how this is gonna work for
us. That's valid too. And then there's some
third way that I can't think of, and
that's that'll be fine too. So
I'm back to lecturing, and I'm really not
mad at any of y'all.
I'm just this topic is my jam. So
because this topic is my jam, and this
is part of our back to basics series
because this is stuff we've been talking about
since 2015.
For anybody who's new, yes, it's when the
podcast started.
I have links in the places for y'all
to all of these topics. We have talked
about them multiple times in different ways in
different places. And everywhere I could go and
find an old link, I did,
so that when we hit on something and
we don't spend an hour on one of
these topics, we already have. You can go
do a deep dive with an old episode.
Like, I pulled a lot from our archive,
y'all. Like, it's like it's it's deep in
the archive. We were in the the
episodes, like, 40 something
and then 30 something.
This is this is when we don't sound
like we do now, so prepare yourself.
So
let's go through. I I pick we picked
4. We sat we sat down. We have
a little little powwow about it. A combo.
Yeah. Right. Right. Right. So
the first one,
to me,
this is one of the biggest. For others,
this one won't apply, But it's parenting and
any other caregiving. Any other caregiving is taking
care of 1 of your own parents, taking
care of a sibling, taking care of a
friend,
having to get Taking care of each other.
Well, there's that as well. Mhmm.
Parenting
is a big portion of that for many
of us. For anybody who's like parenting, yes,
you can be a parent and be in
power exchange and have a kinky relationship.
Absolutely, yes. It does affect how you do
that. True. True. But But so let's let's
talk about
parenting and caregiving to other human beings. Mhmm.
How how that how that gets in the
way sometimes.
Oh.
Oh, man.
From birth until they fly the nest, if
that is an option for you.
I I was
a caregiver for my sister. Yep.
And then I was also
caregiver for my mom.
Yep.
And
something like that, I can definitely throw a
monkey wrench in DS. Yeah. It disrupts it
disrupts all facets of your life, and power
exchange is one of them. You know,
it was it was it was a difficult
time for me. Mhmm.
You know? And,
with, with my sister, I even came to
you and said, look
It happened when I asked you you came
home from something. I think it was something
with your sister because you're taking her to
her appointments and chemo and stuff like that.
And I had I had done everything I
could. There was one decision that had to
be made. I needed to know what he
wanted to drink to go with his dinner.
You never know what what the the straw
that will break the camel's back will be.
You never know it till it happens, and
that was his moment. That was the moment.
He literally went, I cannot make a decision.
Do not ask me.
Okay. You're you're getting Kool Aid tonight. I
don't know if that's what she wanted. But
yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was I I
was
I was trying to keep things normal, air
quote back You were. In hopes that that
that feeling would help you feel steady.
And that was not what you needed, but
it was also one of those things we
couldn't
you didn't quite know what you needed until
you knew what you didn't need, until you
figured out this is a thing I can't
handle. Right. And that's when we could have
that conversation
because in the middle of it, you were
trying to keep everything, air quote, normal. I
was trying to keep everything, and it was
too much. And it just got to be
too much. I mean, you know, with with
taking care of my sister,
yeah, there was a lot going on between
taking her to to to chemo appointments, to,
you know, CAT scans, to
doctor appointments and and everything, and, you know,
then making sure she was
okay at home, that she had the things
she needed at home.
And that her son was taken care of.
Yeah. Yeah. And then managing
the emotions you were feeling over it. Yeah.
Because and managing your family and their emotions.
Right.
And still dealing with
a full day of work and Right. And
you only had so much PTO and Right.
You you know, where you worked,
should this be a thing where you have
to ration out your PTO and people, like,
donate their no. That should not be how
American society works, but it is how Yeah.
The corporate world works. Well And so you
were you were having to watch that. You
were having to manage that
I I was on top of everything I
was very grateful because, yes, with with the
amount of appointments and everything she had, I
I was burning through my Real fast. My
my my sick time and and PTO
Mhmm. Like like a wildfire.
I was very
lucky.
My boss at that time, she she was
wonderful.
Without really asking me,
she
put me into this thing where people donate
their Their unused PTO. Unused PTO, and,
I was able to to continue. Right. Because
the problem was if he had used the,
Family
Medical Leave Act that we have here in
the States, he could have gotten the time
off and kept his job, but he would
not have been paid. Right. We we needed
him to be paid. Yeah. And that's the
reality that it's not about flavor of your
life or relationship. Right. A lot of people
in the states face that and have to
make those decisions
about
I'm taking care of somebody who matters, whether
it's child or
family member or whatever,
but also I still have to go out
and earn money. And to be doing that
while then trying to be the best daddy
dom he could be, like, something had to
give.
Something had to And and that that that's
really what it came down to,
you know.
I had to
kind of look and see, you know, I
I cannot
continue
doing everything that everybody, you know, expects of
me Right.
Right
now.
And,
Where was I? Oh my god. It has
to me too. You know, but, you know,
I had to kind
of
look and and see,
I I guess, in a way, prioritize.
Mhmm. And not to say that our power
exchange isn't
important.
Right. It's where you have the flexibility.
But in the in the grand scheme of
things, it was the one thing I could
say, okay. We need to put this on
hold for the time being. Mhmm.
And the way so the way our power
exchange is structured is it's very
routine oriented. So JB does not tell me
all the time that he has something for
me to do. We laid out in our
negotiation, here are the things he wants me
to do daily, weekly as needed, and I
just kinda just do it. Right?
We're only gonna talk about it if I
can't do it or if he wants to
amend something. Decent decisions on my own, and
he just back me up, whatever they might
be. He trusted me to do that. He
knew that I was
a
fully functioning capable adult who could Yeah.
Run life for a little bit.
But what it meant
for me as a submissive was that I
didn't stop doing the things I agreed to
do. Could I have, I guess, but he
still wanted his morning coffee every morning. And
how how unfair would that have been if
I'd have been
every
morning. And how how unfair would that have
been if I'd have been like, oh, we're
putting our power exchange on hold. Guess what?
Overworked, frazzled, stressed out,
dom of mine. You're gonna now have to
make your own morning coffee. Like, come on.
That would've that wouldn't have worked. Good.
So I was able to keep doing
the things I had agreed to do that
Correct. When I was mindful and when I
could focus on it, would allow me to
feel like
the submissive I wanted to be. What I
did not get during that time was a
lot of feedback for the things that were
done. JB's always shown gratitude. That's just his
nature, and and we consider gratitude to be
a really important part of power exchange. Yeah.
So he would still thank me for stuff.
But, you know,
anybody who's been in power exchange knows there's
a difference between
the partner you care about saying thank you
and and your dom saying thank you. Right?
Like, it's a vibe. And if you don't
know yet, I hope you do one day.
It's a vibe. So I was getting, you
know, partner, just being grateful he had a
little bit of help. But I still got
to be
as much of a submissive as as I
was capable of being, knowing that
the rest of it had to be put
on hold.
I think it's
why I tend to advocate
I don't I'm not gonna tell anybody how
they should set up their power exchange. But
if I could give you, like, something to
consider, even if you're not a service sub,
is finding things that you can do as
a submissive that do not require
direct input from your DOM day to day.
You negotiate it upfront.
You'll have to renegotiate if something and life
changes. But you know you're doing
in
oh, there was a word I wanted, but
you're doing it for your relate in service
of your relationship. You know, you're doing it
because you're submissive, because it was already agreed
upon.
You'll figure out ways to remember for yourself
if necessary, which that can be a tough
part.
Because what it allows is for if you,
the submissive,
are mostly okay and it's your dom who's
going through something, you still have something to
hold on to. Right? You still have little
things that Mhmm. It's not the full package
and it's not enough,
but it's something instead of a, you know,
turn like, turning off a faucet. Mhmm.
I think the one thing we did not
stop doing, I
we the
energy was different,
but I still did the ask permission to
go to bed thing. Yes. I still showed
you my ass and you still rubbed it
or smacked it depending on the mood. Mhmm.
So we did still have that. Yeah. That
that never really went away. The energy would
be different depending on the day. True.
But and those small routines, I think, make
a big difference too. Yeah. Because if it's
something you can manage during,
a stressful time, especially if that stressful time
is temporary,
then again, you still have a point of
connection. You know?
Parenting,
The side where you've got children and their
very own unique individual needs. From
babies I'm very glad I never tried to
do power exchange with babies. I
I don't know what that's like, so I
cannot give offer any advice on that.
But I from the age of
4
to now, the oldest is 19, youngest is
15. Oh my god.
They're crying up.
That's a whole vibe. Because sometimes,
you're just going along. You find ways to,
like, keep your power change, like, subtle so
the kids aren't clocking anything.
But you're thinking about,
can I play in this house with paper
thin walls? We had that experience. Mhmm.
Can
you know, a kid is sick. They're up
and down all night.
One of you is going to take care
of them. Okay. Well, then whatever your nightly
routine is, throw that out the window. Right?
We have gone
through the past year, stuff with the youngest
where his mental health was fucked, his physical
health was fucked. We changed the way he
does school. We changed everything about his life
just to get him to a place where
he could be healthy again. Knock on wood.
He seems to be there.
But
if you think I had the brain power
to be
the subbiest, submissive
JVs ever known
in that time. Um-mm. Because the priority was
on being the
was focused on the kid. And that was
both of us, but I'm the default parent.
So a lot of the day to day
medical stuff, health stuff, school stuff to you.
That was me. And that meant there wasn't
as much energy to give
to certainly not to play. Although, I am
a person who does get a lot of
stress relief and tension relief from impact play.
So no matter how tired I am, I
can be down for even 10 minutes of
it because I know I'm gonna feel better
afterwards.
But,
you know, the rest of it the rest
of it's hard. You know? The rest of
it is if you're running back and forth
with a kid to all these appointments, well,
guess what I'm not doing in the middle
of the day? Whatever my routine is as
JB's submissive. Right? He'll have to do it
for himself or it'll have to wait.
And then
being a good partner that he is,
if I was exhausted from just all of
it,
he would be like, no. You're not gonna
do this thing you normally do. Go sit
your ass on the couch. I'll handle it,
you know. Because yeah. You know, the the
the shoe drops on your foot. Mhmm. You
know?
And
it it's not just
big d's that have,
you know, life things happen.
So, you know, even with you. Yeah. I
mean, you know, when when the youngest last
year was going through
a lot of health issues, you know, we,
there were certain times I had to say
to you, you know, like, no. You know,
don't don't worry about that. You have other
things going on right now. Mhmm.
And,
you know, you you need to be able
to to do that.
Right. And you need to know that it's
normal when you have to do that. Like,
it's not let me just say it again.
You are not failing in power exchange. You
are living a life, and some things will
just take priority at times. And that, you
know, I am do I do I try
to imagine a life where I do not
have children living in this house? They have
they're they're launched into the world in their
own way, whatever that's gonna look like, and
we could just wander around this house naked?
Yeah. Yeah. I do have that in that
vision in my head. But I also know
that even when that happens, something's gonna come
up in life. There's gonna be something. Right?
There always is. There always is. Yeah. So,
I mean, I will cling to my fantasy
of being an empty nester. Look. I know
what I'll do if the day ever comes
I get to be an empty nester. I
will cry my eyes out.
It'll be ugly tears, snot bubbles. It'll be
pitiful.
Okay? Because I know how I cried when
I left my oldest,
his apartment at college. Like, I know. But
then when I, like, pull myself together, then
I'll be like, oh, we can get naked
now. This is delightful.
Please
hit me in nearly every room in this
house because we haven't done that. We have
not No. When the house was still empty
before we moved in, I think
I think you did, like, you know, chase
me around the house a little bit. Yeah.
But it's, you know Yeah. That's been several
years ago now. But but, you know,
in in thinking about this, when
both times when we,
bought the condo Mhmm.
And and again when we bought this house,
we looked at
certain things,
okay,
how they played into
our our kink lives, our BDSM lives. You
know, one of one of the must haves
that we,
you know, meant to the talk with the
realtor and they were like, you know, what's
one of your, you know, what are some
of your must haves that you can't do
without?
Split plan. Bedroom's gotta be on opposite ends
of the house. Yep. Y'all, both when we
bought the condo and then when we bought
this house,
part of the the
viewing or showing or whatever it's called, one
of us stood in what would have been
a kid's bedroom, and the other one stood
in what would be our bedroom. And even
empty,
we got
as loud as we thought we would probably
get while scening Mhmm. To see how well
we could could hear the other one. Yeah.
That was part of the buying process. Right.
The the worst year was when we rented
before thought.
And
we'd had to take what we could get
that was within our budget, that was in
the district we wanted to be in. Like,
we just didn't have a lot of choice.
And when you're renting, I I get it.
You don't always have Have that choice. Yeah.
Kinds of choices. Right.
And, yeah, we were in our bedroom and
right across the hall through paper thin walls
and all the heated walls. Those walls were
fanning. So sad.
I mean, one of the boys were were
in their room and they sneezed. You could
hear it. With the all the doors closed.
With the doors shut. Yeah. So, yeah, we
learned to
what when we had the luxury, we we
played when the kids weren't home or we,
would go somewhere else to play. And Mhmm.
But yeah. Like, I think anybody who is
a parent already gets it. Like, you just
know. You you know from before they're born,
you know from the moment they're born. Your
life is completely altered. Right? Like, nothing is
quite the same anymore.
But, you know, I think it's easy to
feel like maybe you're doing power exchange wrong.
You're not. To feel like you'll never get
it back. That's another thing with with parenting
especially,
because you you see this kid you've got
and you imagine, what, a minimum of 18
years,
probably longer. And and what you're seeing now
is the
the ways that your life is impacted now
with the age they're at now, and it
probably feels like, oh, it'll always be this
way. It it will not. Under most typical,
situations, when you have a basically healthy child
who is going to develop on some sort
of typical
process,
they will get older. They will become more
independent, and they
probably won't wanna be around you. And so
they might even leave the house from time
to time. Like, it will change over time.
It's just a matter of
giving it time. Yeah.
We could talk about parenting and caregiving all
day because it is probably one of the
things that impacts us the most. Yeah. But
we have other things we wanna get through.
Okay.
So work. Yeah.
Because very few of us in this world
don't gotta work. Right. So You know? And,
yeah. Work work and, work.
Corporate job and self employment. Yeah. Yeah. It'll
often Been on been on both ends of
that that,
gut scale.
Now, you know, I
will and Lola agrees. Yep. Yep.
You agree. Thank you.
You know, yeah, when I when when we
first met, I was working an office job.
Mhmm.
Technically, when we first met, I was working
an office
job. You were too. That's that's true. Mhmm.
You know, and at that point, I was
I was very lucky. I had a I
had a good boss.
Man,
nobody has forgotten you. No. I mean, you're
right next to me. You're right at my
feet.
So anyway, you know, she she was a
a really good boss.
Marvelous person. I I still
keep in touch.
You're welcome. You keep talking. I'm so sure
she wants to grow. See, I see.
And,
you know, with that, it it made for,
you know,
not a lot of stress.
Now,
when she retired
and new person came in,
he was totally different.
He sulked.
You know. And,
he made things very very stressful.
So, you know, it
work
can absolutely
affect things because, you know, if you have
a if you have a good boss, you
know, you everything, you know, could be good.
Right? You know?
And you get on the other side of
that bad boss, then you start throwing him
maybe some overtime, you know, because you gotta
do this and, you know, then, oh, you
know,
you gotta Your bad boss completely changed how
you work. Like Yeah. We literally had to
go buy a car Yeah. Because this boss
reassigned him, even though this was not how
he wanted to be reassigned and it was
not the best, use of resources.
No. Yeah. That guy sucked.
So,
you know, that that puts a lot of
stress. Mhmm.
And,
you know, and even and and even now,
at this point, self employed.
That's a different kind of stress. It's not
better, worse. It's just completely different.
It's completely different.
Yeah. Because, you know, everything is on your
shoulders.
You don't work. You don't eat. Right. I
mean, you know what? In a way, that's
true when you work for somebody else. Yeah.
But assuming you know you could go to
work tomorrow and you're on the schedule,
like, at least you're like, okay.
I know I'm gonna get paid.
Self employment, it's like, if I do not
bust my ass every moment of every day,
will anybody
spend their money with me? Right? Will anybody
hire me? Will anybody whatever whatever?
Yeah. It's I'm not gonna I'm not gonna
play the the,
back and forth of who's got it worse.
No. It's all it all sucks.
It's just different. And and, you know, it's
it it all adds to the stress. And
I know from our experience, being so there
was stress when you especially when you have
the shitty boss. There was stress when you
had the bad boss, and it meant that
you would come home at the end of
the day and you couldn't always get into
your dom headspace. No. Because you do not
dom
angry. No. I don't. Know you're angry, you're
like, oh, no. We're not doing anything. Going
there. Because, you know, he does not want
to accidentally take something out on me that
isn't about me in a way that neither
of us would find
find to do.
These days,
it's more like and I think this is
a pretty typical
issue that self employed people go through. Mhmm.
Especially when it's not like the money's you're
not rolling in the money. But maybe even
then, I don't know, you feel like you're
supposed to be working all the time. Yeah.
And in this case, we don't have a
clear break. So, like, ideally, I would I
often tell people, and people have told me
they do this,
when the work day there's a point in
the day when the day is done, you
come home from work. Right? And then maybe
you go that's when you put on get
your collar put on you. Or you,
when your your dom gets home from work,
that's when you present to them in a
specific
way. Blah blah blah. Right? And that is
the the demarcation from
non kink life to kink life, and it
starts. Right? But also when you work a
job, when you clock out and you're done,
you're done for the day.
Being self employed,
we have to try to decide when we're
done for the day. And sometimes that's easy,
and sometimes that's not. But we also don't
ever get a clear
break from it. And and it's it's like,
you know,
because of that,
because of the way our our work and
our life is structured,
you know, we don't say, okay, you know,
we work a 9 to 5
because we don't. Right.
We don't even just work a set schedule.
No. You know, I mean, like today, you
did take half a day off.
Man, I had to spend a lot of
time justifying it to myself. Yeah.
And and, you know, I I worked, I
think it was what, around 12:31 o'clock when
I finally came in
from from the shop, but my day wasn't
over. Right. You know, because then I ended
up I had a lot of stuff to
do around the house. I had to make
cold brew. I had to, you know, start
dinner for tomorrow.
You know, I showered. I showered. I ate.
You know, I Right. But I mean, to
me, when I you know, the work part
is we're focused on
making the product. We're focused on marketing the
product. We're we're having a lot of conversations
about finances
and plans for the future.
And that
is not easy because it bleeds into your
whole life. We make a podcast. This is
we love it. We enjoy it. We we
do it for the love of it, but
also it's part of our our self employment.
Right. And so
we don't get to just, like, exist sometimes,
like, in the car going somewhere because one
it gets quiet. One of us is gonna
go, you know, I've been thinking about this
product idea. You know? You know? I have
a,
topic that I think maybe we should do.
You know? Right?
And and there's nothing really wrong with that,
but it absolutely
can
interfere with power exchange because your focus isn't
on the dynamic. It's on all these other
things. And that's the point. All of these
things we'll talk about, your focus just gets
disrupted.
And sometimes
you have to you have to work hard
to
change that focus. Being self employed,
during the times when we've had very serious
conversations about finances,
I'm okay that our focus is on
grinding it out and doing what we gotta
do to pay the mortgage. Yeah. But when
those times it's not like that. It's very
hard to turn that off and go, we
can let work just be kind of work,
and we don't have to, like,
be focused on that from the time we
wake up to the time we go to
bed. What we need to do is set
that down at some point in the day
and turn to one another and focus on
each other. Yeah.
Most of
the work stuff
that I see that interferes with people's power
exchanges
is usually temporary.
It's there's a big project coming up. You
gotta lend your focus to it.
You've temporarily got got that shitty boss who
changed your entire, like,
work life on you, forcing you to purchase
a car to do the job.
So
you know? But and then
depending on what you do,
depending on the economy of where you live,
sometimes changing jobs is an option.
Right? Sometimes going freelance is an option, but
that is not always an option. And you
just have to, like,
move through that work stressor until you get
to the other side of it. Mhmm. I
think it's easier when you can see the
other side. You know that the project is
handled in 2 months. You know that the
overtime is only this month. You know that
this weird shit schedule is just for this
week and next week, you'll have a more
typical schedule.
And,
like, those times are easier because you kinda
just go, okay. Okay. We just let's just
fucking speed run this and survive it, and
we'll get to the other side. It's that
stuff that is
more disruptive. Like, when his job changed, the
time he had to leave changed, the time
he came home changed, the amount of time
he had during the day to talk to
me
changed. Like, our whole routine had to shift
Yeah. Because we had built it around the
old position that he'd had. The old schedule.
Yeah. Right. Mhmm.
So,
you know, sometimes those work interferences
do require you to go, okay.
How how do we do this now? Because
everything has changed. Yeah.
In long distance relationships, this is where we
started.
Be we were very fortunate that at that
time, we both had decent bosses and a
set schedule. Very rarely did it change. Right.
But some of the ways that work will
interfere with their power exchange Yeah. The only
the only thing that really came into in
that
threw monkey wrench into gear at that time
was meetings.
Meetings you didn't plan for. And so we
spent
some sometimes it felt like we spent a
lot of time just telling each other, okay,
I can't talk to you at our normal
lunch hour. I got a meeting.
I will talk to you later. Right?
And that sucks when you're long distance, when
you're like, but this is this is our
time. Mhmm. I wanna talk to you during
our time. Oh, we'll work.
Conferences. I used to go to, like, 4
or 5 conferences a year. And so that
would
throw our long distance routine
off. Those things are just a part of
it.
And
if you take on this feeling of we're
doing power exchange wrong because you don't maintain
your entire routine
through every second of that, you're you're gonna
just be miserable because that's just not how
this is not how life is ever gonna
work. You're gonna get some amount of time
where everything follows the schedule that you expect,
and you're able to kinda do the things
that you expect to be able to do,
and then
it's gonna get thrown off. Now some people
thrive on the chaos. Couldn't be me. Okay?
Yeah. No. I am not
that kind of goblet. I don't like the
chaos. I I have
the utmost respect
for somebody that can just
just just dive into a chaotic situation and
roll with it. I I have the utmost
respect because I can't. Never could. Here's what
I'll say. If you can, I think most
of the time this it won't be that
hard for you? But I bet eventually you're
gonna find the thing where it even that
it was too much even for you.
Again, you won't be failing. It'll just be
you just
gotta be more realistic about your power exchange,
quite frankly.
Let's roll work into the next one because,
man, they usually go hand in hand. Yep.
Financial
stress.
You wanna get me and JB at each
other's throats, like knocked down, dragged out.
Is this relationship going to survive?
Argument about money. And and you know what?
Money is biggest stressor for Most people. Most
any relationship. Mhmm. Yeah. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yep. And
you're contending with a lot of things. Like,
there have been times and we've had deep
conversations about this, not by yelling, but we've
had to have deep conversations.
JB,
raised as a man in western culture,
sees his identity,
and is he earning enough money? Is there
enough money? Am I providing enough? Man, we've
been we've been working on that. Because I'm
like, that is not what your manhood is
defined by. That is not what makes you,
JB.
We do we do not attach our our
inherent worth and value as a human being
to how much we can produce in a
capitalistic
society.
We're not doing that because that's not how
any of this ought to work. Is it
how some of it works? Yes. But it
should not work that
way. So, you know,
when we've taken financial hits, what those 2
chaotic years where somebody got hit by a
literal fucking car and everything, like, fell down
around our ears.
You know,
we
you wanna talk about not being in the
mood for fuckery.
Have the conversation about how you're gonna pay
the bills this month and then think, you
know what? Sure.
I'll go lean over the bed. Why don't
you rub my butt a couple of times?
Nobody's in the mood for that song.
If you again, if you are a chaos
goblin and you're like, no. No. I can
handle that. Make it make it bad. That
makes me want to get my fuckery on.
Yeah. I'm kinda happy for you because
I'm the type that's like,
actually, all I can do right now is
focus on this problem. Mhmm. How do we
fix this problem? How do we get how
do we get past it and resolve it?
Because this is a capitalist society, and you
gotta have money to fucking survive. Right?
But for I know for us,
parenting
was also this way, but money has been
the worst. We do not fight very often.
I think in our entire
nearly 12 years of knowing one another,
I less than a handful of times have
we had
truly bad arguments. Yeah. Of those times,
most of them were about money.
Mhmm.
Yep. Because that financial stress
typically engenders fear. Right? Am I gonna have
a roof over my head? Can I feed
my family?
You know, what's gonna happen to us? Right?
Yeah. And
it is
it is a thing that breaks a lot
of relationships. A lot of relationships can't survive
that. But if you can, if it can
bring you closer, that's not a bad thing.
No. It's not necessarily gonna bring you closer
in your power exchange because sometimes when JB
gets up in his head about
money, even though his fears are valid, like,
hell yeah. I have the same fucking fears.
It's my mouthy,
you know, bitchy self who has to go,
woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. No. What we're
not gonna do is do this. And I
gotta kinda
pull them out. Bring me in. Yeah. So
I think of it as an act of
service, but not anything I did submissively.
Okay?
Just saying.
I I think that maybe
kinda
walks the the fine line with the,
tough love. Oh, our tough love clause. Yeah.
Yeah. I need to add that link to
the places because the tough love clause
because all of these things will will impact
often both of you in different ways. Right?
But in many ways, it will impact one
of you more than the other, whether it's
parenting work, financial stress, and then the last
one will get to illness and injury.
And somebody,
the dom, is not gonna wanna take care
of themselves. They're gonna think that they shouldn't.
They're gonna think that their responsibility is to
you. They're gonna push themselves too hard. And,
man, that tough love clause?
The tough love clause, in short,
is and JB has to trust me on
this and I have to use this judiciously.
Mhmm. If JB's health is suffering and he's
not doing anything about it and health is
not just physical health. We're not just talk
about when you got the flu. We're talking
about when it's your mental health too. Like,
when I said, I love you. You have
to find a therapist. That was the tough
love clause. Okay? Because if you're not gonna
take care of yourself, I'm going to push
you in a way that nobody would call
submissive to do it. Sometimes it's me doing
the research going, here's the information you need.
You do have to make the phone call.
You are the legal adult here. Sometimes it's
me picking up the phone and making the
appointment for him and going, by the way,
you've got a dentist appointment. You've got a
doctor's appointment. You've got a what right?
Sometimes tough love clause is, in a loving
way,
telling him to get his own head out
up of his own ass. Yeah.
I don't say those words, but we know
what I mean
Right. When I do it. Yes. That's the
tough love clause. We worked that in because
I was enough of an adult and had
seen some shit and knew how I was.
We're negotiating on our negotiating our relationship health?
And I just suggested, like, how how do
we make this happen?
And we kind of, through our conversation, worked
out what we call the tough love clause.
He was like, okay. He's like, I trust
you.
If you say that something is detrimental to
my health if I don't do it, I
will listen to you.
The only caveat, we gotta be respectful. Right?
I can't I cannot roll up like the
raging bitch I actually am.
And I and he knows me now, so
my tone to a an outsider probably would
sound a little shitty, but he knows this
with love. And it's it is done with
respect.
But that's for financial stress. I've we've had
to use it a few times. Mhmm. Because
he'll work himself to the bone. He'll work
himself to burnout.
I have who have I'm still recovering from
some burnout from several years ago.
I feel it more acutely, so I kinda
pull myself back. That's how I took my
half day off. I was like, no. No.
We cannot work or we cannot do the
grind thing until we burn burnout. Right?
That's where over the summer, I'm like, JB,
take
take Monday Friday off. Like, we can get
the work done in 3 days a week.
You can do that. We can justify that.
And he didn't want to. He didn't want
to. He didn't want to because of the
financial stress, but I was like, look. You're
barely functioning in work right now. Let's not
even talk about in the rest. Yeah. Yeah.
And, I mean,
financial stress will fuck you up all kinds
of ways. Right? It'll cause arguments.
It'll put a damper on the fun you've
been having in your power exchange. We don't
go to clubs. We don't go to dungeons.
We don't go
we don't go to parties because I have
my social anxiety. But, you know, like, we
don't go to these things that we used
to go to because that's not where we
get to spend our money. But it also
means we do not have an outlet for
our power exchange Right. In ways that we
once had. Mhmm. And so
that's been
a thing to, like, get used to and
go, okay. We can't do what we used
to do.
How do we
pivot and do something different? And we still
struggle with that, by the way. And and
that and that is a hard part, and
I and I think most people do struggle
with that. Yes. With being able to make
that pivot
because you
you get into that comfort zone. Yes. You
know, and everything's just just flowing, man, and
it's great and, you know, life is wonderful,
and I got the get the best baby
girl there is, and, you know, she takes
good care of me,
and then
nope.
You know, life says hold my beer. Yes.
And we had several years of
life just man, life did not have enough
loop for what it was doing to us.
No. Okay.
And you do go through dogging it.
You go through periods of life like that,
and it is it puts a strain on
your power exchange. We've had multiple conversations on
this podcast over the years, especially when we've
talked about the stuff we've gone through Yeah.
Specifically. It's like the thing we're not that's
why I'm glad that the nature of our
power change is he is always the decider.
That is the one thing that just
it occurs. Right? So it means that when
we're not consciously thinking of our power exchange,
that is still there. Right? I it's just
ingrained to me. I'm not I wouldn't anyway,
as the type of partner I am in
a relationship, I'm not making a decision without
his input anyway.
So it's not hard to just be in
that habit of, okay, but he's gonna decide,
unless he's at a point where he cannot.
Right? We went through that when your your
mom got sick and then and passed away.
Like, you just you couldn't, but you knew
yourself well enough at that point At that
point. To know, to tell me. Right.
The we're gonna get to the last one
here.
But the thing that helps with every single
one of these
and and helps not in a way that
it fixes anything
or even alleviates the pressure, but the thing
that can hold the 2 of you together
is gonna be communication. Yeah. You got you
you're That's the c word. You're gonna run
the gauntlet of learning some communication skills
when life does this shit to you. Right?
Because
when you can see that
a known thing that you're always dealing with
is gonna interfere
with
rules in your power exchange or routines in
your power exchange or protocol.
It'll be your job as the first person
to see that disruption coming to raise the
flag up and go, hey. We gotta talk
about this because this is not gonna work
the way it normally does. How do you
wanna adjust? And that was the thing I've
done. It's the thing I typically do when
I can see that life is lifing. Mhmm.
It's gonna fuck up our routine.
I'm not gonna be able to do a
thing I normally do. It's gonna alter timing.
I kinda go, hey. Have are you aware?
Okay. We got what do you wanna do
about this? How do we wanna handle it?
The more you can get used to doing
that, it's a habit you have to form.
And
the clearer your communication
can be
about what you're going through,
what
you want to be able to do, what
your expectations
are, both sides of the slash.
I won't call it easy.
Mhmm. But I think the better you can
manage it. Right? Because the thing that tends
to make all of this harder than it
already is
is when nobody's talking to each other about
how it's it feels like it's crumbling around
you a little bit,
and you can't maintain the thing you always
do. And so then maybe somebody feels a
sense of guilt or even shame over not
being able to do the thing. Or they
tell themselves that maybe it doesn't really matter,
and I don't have to mention anything. Well,
now resentment's probably gonna start creeping in. And
it makes what can be a stressful time
of life that much harder. And that's where
then when the stress kind of
normalizes or goes away, whichever one, you're back
to almost rebuilding a power exchange because everything
fell off the rails. If the basics of
just a decent relationship, regardless of flavor,
can can stay in place as much as
possible,
it's easier to get back to your power
exchange. Because then when everything calms down a
little bit, you're not going, oh shit, I
kinda sucked. I'm so sorry. Oh no, I
kinda sucked. You're going, okay,
that sucked. Right? That thing sucked.
How do we get some dynamic back? How
do we get some fuckery back? Right?
And you're not gonna be
we were not perfect at this in the
beginning. No. We're still not perfect at it
quite frankly.
But we the lines of communication are would
have gotten better.
The ability
to realize that we are
reacting
to our partner, to each other, like, we're
the problem. Because the problem is
the thing to remember is whatever stressor in
life, whenever life is lifing and and getting
in the way of your power exchange,
it is
the 2 of you against the problem.
It's not it should not be in a
healthy situation.
Y'all put it against one another because you
won't have a power exchange to go back
to Right. When everything calms down or normalizes.
Mhmm. Because sometimes shit don't calm down. You
just get used to it, and you just
adjust your life around and go, okay. This
is what life is like now, and you
figure it out. Right? And sometimes it calms
down, and it gets better, and that's great.
Mhmm. But either way, what are you gonna
have with each other
when it does? If you're not speaking to
one another, if you're if you're starting arguments
and not
resolving them, if, you know, if you are
if you're not focused on the teamwork aspect
of it.
So the last one. Last.
Illness and injury, you can call it disability
because especially if it's chronic condition. Mhmm.
It that all falls under here. Disabilities,
temporary illnesses, temporary injuries,
things like just I had surgery. It was
Right. It was not an emergency. I was
We we knew it. Yeah. We could plan
for it. We could plan for it. Yeah.
But that moment
disrupted the power exchange. Yep.
JV's mental health has
over the past couple years. At its worst,
it impacted things. Yeah. Then things kind of
normalized, and he had a therapist and medication
and blah blah. And, you know, and even
now, that's a thing that doesn't necessarily just
completely go away Mhmm. Based on, you know,
his personal situation.
So sometimes it flares, and then we're dealing
with a flare. Same with my mental health.
Same with all kinds of stuff. Right?
And I I think
I don't think that's a surprise to anybody.
If your partner breaks their leg and they're
laid up in bed for 3 weeks, you
would not expect the same
stuff out of them. However,
when it's
an unseen thing, it's mental health. It's it's
the the downside of neurodivergence.
Right? It's the struggles of that. It's the
challenges of that. It's a chronic condition that
flares, and you can't predict a flare. Those
kinds of things. I think people
feel a greater sense of shame. I won't
even say guilt. Guilt would be you it's
unnecessary, but that's at least a healthy emotion.
Shame is the thing that, like, you feel
like you were the bad person.
You're not. It's a thing you can't control
even if you're working on it. And
a good partner
is going to know that. They're going to
understand that. They're probably gonna try to be
helpful and kind to you. But if you
are coming from a place of shame,
says somebody from experience, you might not be
your best self either. Yeah. When when she
had that surgery
and,
I told her she was gonna follow doctor's
orders to the letter That was fucking weird.
That was so fucking weird. It was. Yeah.
It was tough for me to sit on
the couch. Right. Now here's what's funny on
that. If you were the partner who was
the help you know, doing a little bit
more taking on things while your partner recovers,
you know, whatever whatever. Right?
The thing he forgot, he here's what JB
tried to do. JB tried to do everything
JB does
and everything. She did. And I went, why
the fuck are you doing that? Right. First
of all, some of that stuff's not even
necessary. 2nd of all, we just have to
get through. Yeah.
Bare minimum is okay right now. Are the
kids
healthy? Are they are they being fed? Are
they going to this was during Christmas break.
They didn't even have to go to school.
I was like, are they being fed? Are
they following most of our rules?
Okay. They're fine. I was like, does our
house smell bad?
Do we have no clean clothes left? No?
We're good. Right? You like,
it's and sometimes that's the conversation when especially
when it's a temporary thing. Right?
I cannot speak on chronic conditions and disabilities
that flare, like,
consistently
Mhmm. Because I do not live that life.
I know it impacts power exchange. It impacts
how because I've had people tell me, it
impacts the power exchange you try to negotiate
because things
can't be routine because you don't maybe don't
know day to day what's gonna go on.
Right. I know it impacts how people feel
about themselves. I have talked to way too
many kinksters who think they're a bad dom
or sub because
their disability
impedes what they can do Mhmm. On a
day to day basis.
The right partner for you is gonna have
already known and embraced it and gone, this
is the ride we're on. Okay. We'll figure
it out. I mean, you know, it it
was not
an easy thing,
to accept,
you know, my back degrading the way it
has over the years. Mhmm.
And,
you know, because of that, I cannot do
some of the things I used to do.
Right.
Or in in a in the way I
used to do them. And that fucks with
your head a lot.
Yeah. But,
you know, with with that, I have found
other ways
to do the things that don't impact me.
Mhmm. You know?
And and that has been
a big help in that.
So I find it
so
when your back goes out,
I get very nervous because I I am
thinking, okay. He's in pain. Is there anything
I can even do? How do I help
him? And and I know you think we've
had these conversations. I'm not saying anything he
doesn't really know. There's also that thought of,
oh, is this our new normal? Is this
what it's like? Right?
And,
1, we hope that never happens, but, 2,
that could be a scary thing. It could
be a sad thing.
And that's yet another stressor that is now
on our just our relationship in general, regardless
of flavor. Right?
When he's down for the count, though, I
go into, like, uber submissive
to the point he's like, I because I'm
asking left, right, and center, what do you
need? What do you need? What can I
do? He's like, what I need you to
do is just leave him alone right now.
Time time out. You are overwhelming me Yep.
With your desire to help. Yep.
And I you know, personally, I think any
good partner is gonna worry about that. How
you react and what you do, we're all
unique individuals.
But, you know, don't be surprised if a
service submissive
hell, even a service top. Somebody who, like,
service is a part of who you are
is not like, what do you need? What
can I do? I wanna do all the
things. Can I is is there anything I
can get you?
What is the thing with your wildest imagination?
I will make it happen. Right?
Because we wanna take care of the people
we've been for.
I wish. God.
We would not have as many issues as
we do now if I could do if
I could do Genie.
Good lord.
For other than that, the time I had
surgery, which for me, I was very fortunate.
Surgery went fine. They sent me home early.
They were like, you're you're barely even taking
the pain meds. It's like, you wanna go
home? Yes. I do.
I had to sit on the couch for,
like, a week. That like, that's what I
had to do. Oh, no. That's so hard
for me. It was not. I just didn't
react well to sitting still because I feel
I'm I don't know. Is it generational? Is
it gender? Is it I don't know.
I'm like, am I allowed to sit down?
What is not being done if I'm sitting
down? Am I a lazy waste of space
if I'm not up and producing things like
that? That. Right? But being the submissive,
my job is to do what my daddy
Dom tells me to do so he can
be like all Domly on me, and I'd
be like, okay, daddy.
And, you know, whatever was happening in my
head was separate from the way I needed
to behave
because the power exchange. That's why I had
to say, baby girl, your task is to
sit on the sofa. I know.
It is different when it's the Dom who's
down for the count, temporarily or not,
because depending on how you've negotiated your power
exchange,
they might not listen to you, even if
you're trying to take care of them. And
that is one of the downsides to power
exchange from a submissive perspective.
Sometimes you're watching your dumb, be a dumbass
and potentially hurt themselves more,
prolong the agony,
You know, do things that they know are
gonna lead to a bad outcome
and all you can do is go,
okay.
Right? Like, I can only tough love claws
so much. Tough love claws only works if
he's willing to listen to me
and not and not override me. Right? It's
not it's not a perfect tool. It's a
tool that he has to be willing to
to let happen.
And there have been many times I'm like,
oh my god. He had a a thing
happen the other day that we worried it
was his back, and we think it was
something else. He didn't wanna take pain meds.
I'm like, my my dude,
the muscle relaxers and the pain meds were
prescribed
for pain.
How about if you're in excruciating
pain? We use the medicine
we've paid for
and the doctor prescribed.
I mean, it was 20 minutes.
20 minutes.
Now
did he eventually take it and then curl
up and go to sleep for, like, 7
hours? Yes. He did. And when he woke
up and was no longer groggy, I went,
so taking the meds was a good idea
because I am a
I like to go, I was right. You
were wrong. I'm not gonna win. I know.
You that's what you love about me.
The thing
I have seen submissives talk about
is that
when they can't take care of their dom,
if that's a part of your submission,
or when their dom is out of commission
and
power exchange kinda just
just dies Right? Like, it's almost nonexistent. Excuse
me. A lot of submissives will say, I
don't feel submissive. I don't I don't feel
like my submissive self because I'm not getting
to do any of my submissive stuff. Or
I have to take care of everything right
now because my daughter's out of commission, and
I'm I'm in charge of way too much.
I don't even want to be in charge
of this. Doesn't mean you're not willing to
do it because we gotta, like, keep everything
going as best as possible.
That's
I think it's a valid feeling.
I'm curious. The times when you could not
especially injury illness kind of situation, when you
were not doming anybody because you just had
to recover,
did it mess with your sense of self?
A little bit. Yes. Because it's like, you
know, for example,
the best example I could give,
was after the motorcycle accident. Oh my god.
Yeah. Getting hit by a literal car. I
I, you know, I pretty much was planted
I couldn't even go to bed. I was
pretty much planted on the You lived on
the sofa. Lived on the sofa.
And,
you know, I was I was so
limited
in what I could do Mhmm.
Excuse me,
That
and maybe you felt this way too after
your surgery, but I know for me,
it was like sitting on the sidelines and
watching everything just go by. Yeah, and not
being in the mix with it, not being
a part of it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And
that that was that was tough. Mhmm.
Yeah. Because when you were first recovering,
you
know, I just had to
do shit and make it happen. And then
I would come to you and I would
tell you. Mhmm. But it was not a,
hey, daddy. Do you wanna? It was, by
the way, this has happened. Yeah. I'm keeping
you informed because that feels right. Yeah. But,
yeah, you have no direct, control over the
outcome. No. I and and, you know, yeah,
that that was hard for me, like I
say, in in the fact that, you know,
it it it's kinda like,
you know, watching
things just slide by.
When I was when I've been out of
commission for anything,
being sick Mhmm. When migraines used to get
me,
recovering from surgery, whatever whatever.
I actually feel like
I'm not doing enough,
and I'm not taking care of things. So
part of it is and we did an
episode on this a while back on submissives
having control issues, and some of us really
do, and I do. There's in my head,
there's a, quote, right way to do things,
and then that would be my way. Not
because it is, like, the right way, but
because it's the way I do it, and
I know it works. And so
having somebody else do a thing I do
because I cannot, I'm physically unable to,
it's can be kinda stressful.
So, yeah, I kinda felt like the world
was going on around me, but I also
had this
panic is too strong a word, but it's
the closest I can get to this nervous
feeling inside of,
but are they struggling with it? If I
was doing it, they wouldn't have to struggle
with it. They wouldn't have to worry about
it. I would just do it. And, also,
I would do it the way I like
to do it. And I'm gonna come back
to this when I recover, and it will
not be in the state I would have
left it in. And and I
Wow.
Yeah. Yeah. I I might have some control
issues is all I'm saying.
So the injury illness thing 1 is in
uniquely personal, like, because it depends on
what what is the issue, how the duration,
how you feel about it, how your partner
hand like, oh my god. There's we can
only ever talk about our own personal experiences.
Mhmm.
But you have you are not doing anything
wrong as a dom or sub
when
your mind and or body
just don't let you do what you wanna
do. Right?
That doesn't make you less of a dom
or sub. It does not mean that you
don't have real power exchange.
It's like everything else in life. We have
to adjust and adapt to the circumstances we're
in. Right? What can my body let me
do?
Mhmm. What will my brain
let me do and accept? Now can those
things change over time? Can you learn new
things and find different adaptations and,
you know,
ways of thinking might change over time? Of
core of course. That's true for all of
us.
I I don't I will not play the
game of who's got it harder
because I don't nobody does. It's it's like
the financial stress and the work and the
it all sucks for all of us.
But
I know that
when I talk to somebody
who
kind of accepts
their body as it is and they know
how to work with it,
they talk about power exchange differently than people
who are new to this, or Mhmm. They
know it's temporary, but it's not moving fast
enough or
right? Like, they haven't adjusted to it yet.
And I and
I sense
grief and sadness
from people with chronic conditions and disabilities, and
I sense impatience and anger
from people who for whom this is new
and they hope or believe or know it's
temporary.
I don't know what to do with any
of that. I'm just throwing it out there
because if that resonates for you, just know
you're not alone.
Right? We are all one bad day away
from disability. Right?
1 in 4 people in the US, at
least, are disabled in some way. If the
zombie apocalypse ever happens
and I break my glasses,
just I'm gonna lean up against a tree.
Somebody take me out because where am I
going? Right?
Where am I going without sight? I don't
know. Not in the zombie apocalypse. I don't
know. Right?
So, you know, something can happen to any
of us at any time that does not
mean that you can't still have a satisfying
power exchange. It does mean it won't look
like whatever example you're trying to follow.
None of our power exchanges should look like
any example we're trying to follow y'all. They're
supposed to be
negotiated for and tuned into who we are
as individuals and a couple
in this moment, which is why power exchange
can and does and maybe ought to shift
and
change over time. You you change what you're
doing because what you used to do no
longer serves.
What we did in power exchange power exchange
in long distance
relationship, it's not what we did when we
moved in. What we tried to do when
we moved in together is not what we
were doing 3 weeks later, quite frankly. No.
But what we did in the early 2014
when we started living together is not what
we do now. No. I imagine what we
do 5 years from now won't be what
we do now. We'll do some it'll it'll
change just a little bit. Mhmm. Because life
will bring the stressors and we'll adjust and
adapt. Our bodies are changing. We're we're aging
every moment. Aging is a privilege, but we
are still aging.
Bodies fall apart. Right? So,
you know,
just because those things occur and maybe become
a permanent part of life does not mean
that power exchange is an impossibility.
It just means maybe the power exchange that
you did yesterday is not the one you'll
do tomorrow.
Yeah. Right. And and I think if I
I had to add any
one thing at this point, I would say,
be careful of your expectations.
Yeah. We've got an episode somewhere in the
archive about managing expectations.
Where we talk about that. But, you know,
in in all this,
it it's it's a big thing, you know,
because many of us find,
this lifestyle,
you know,
through porn
or, you know, places like Tumblr, this, that,
and the other.
And,
you know, it's easy to get caught up
in, like, you know, oh, this is gonna
be wonderful all the time. This is what
it's gonna be like. Mhmm. And and it's
not. You know, it's not. So, you know,
the fantasy, it's always nice to have the
fantasy,
but
get that reality check. Yeah.
And also, when you get the reality check
of a really hard day,
oh, Onyx. Oh my god. I'm sorry. I
just jumped
because JB looked over my shoulder
like he had seen a ghost.
So I turn around like a dumbass because
if there's a ghost behind me, I don't
wanna know, really, frankly.
And that's when Onyx jumps down
and scared the shit out of me. She's
a black cat, y'all. It's a little void
just jumping out of a window.
Anyway
lordy.
So Goodness. The thing I think I was
trying to say, because you know the train
derailed. Right? Yeah. So, yes, I think you
have to manage your expectations that the fantasy
you have, I agree, is the reality is
gonna be different. But the other thing is
your worst day in power exchange
does not mean that that's how it's going
to be all the time either. It's true.
And it is easy to feel that way
when you're in the depths of
whatever the thing is that's going on, whether
it's your health or it's money or it's
a really bad moment in parenting and caregiving.
It is easy to feel like this is
all it's ever gonna be,
and not necessarily. Yeah. And that that's an
excellent point because, you know, just like anything
else in life, you know, you have good
days and bad days at work, you have
good days and bad days with the kids.
Mhmm. Your your your DS isn't perfect.
It's not gonna be perfect. And it's not
a static thing. It's a very we call
it dynamic. Fluid. It's it's a fluid thing,
but we call it a power dynamic. Right?
For different reasons, but think about it. It
is dynamic. That means it can shift and
change. All that matters is that the 2
of y'all are talking about it, and you
find some sort of agreement with it. Right?
You figure out your unique Venn diagram of
what you need, what they need, and then
where it intersects, and you can do that
thing for each other. Mhmm. But
no
no one power exchange is the model for
them all.
It's not. The way we do our power
exchange, I know because god knows people like
to tell me they could never. Well, then
please don't.
Figure out what works for you. Right. It
means you're gonna do some stuff, and you're
gonna go, oh, I thought that's what I
wanted, and I'm not. Right? You're gonna have
to shift it. It also means that you're
gonna set your your power change
up based on the life you're living right
at this moment, and that's gonna work
until something in life changes
temporarily or permanently.
And
you can
keep trying to do the same thing
even when life has fundamentally changed for you
and make yourself crazy and miserable, or
you can go,
that's right. Kayla and JB said this is
normal, and this happens. And now we just
have to have a conversation on how do
we shift things. Yeah.
Right? Changing things up is not a failure.
Changing things up is reality. It's realistic.
It's going, I know what I'd like it
to be like, but this is what it
actually is like. So how are we gonna
navigate what it's actually like? And some for
some folks, that's a day to day thing.
What is my body allowing me to do
today? Then this is what we'll do today.
For others, it's longer term. We go
multiyear stretches,
and nothing really shifts much in our our
power exchange.
And then we'll have a lot happen all
at once, and we're shifting left and right.
I don't like that. Shifting on the fly
sometimes. Like a routine that I can
trust in, follow, get comfortable with, and put
it on autopilot.
I just know what I need to do.
There's a lot less anxiety in life when
you know what you need to do every
day.
Unfortunately,
the powers that be,
have not listened to me. Okay? I
I I did ask
if everything could just stay the same so
I don't have to learn new routines and
be uncomfortable,
and I haven't managed to make that happen.
Mhmm.
Yeah. Yep.
So,
yeah, this is
I don't I really don't have any useful
advice other than get better at talking about
shit as it's going on.
Because for most people, it's not too much
communication. It's not enough. Some people can over
guess what? Hi. But but you didn't know
I'm an overcommunicator.
Some people can't overcommunicate, or you can talk
a topic to death until you're both just
sick of it.
Most of us aren't there yet.
Most people are not there yet. You're not
talking enough.
But the only other thing I can tell
you is that,
yes, it will happen. I don't know what
version of the life situation will hit you.
Could be all of them at once. We've
had that happen. Something's gonna get you.
And
you didn't do anything wrong. This is this
is how this goes.
This is how this goes. Mhmm.
So
Are we, I don't know. This this one
being my, like, the thing that I like,
gets me means I can talk for literal
hours. Mhmm.
Of course. But I don't I shouldn't,
and I don't I don't need
to.
So
yeah.
Okay.
But, yes, I can just stop now. Okay.
For any any of these particular no. This
is information.
For if any of these particular topics, parenting
and caregiving,
work, financial stress,
health,
if any of those, like, pique your interest,
we have talked about these things in the
past. The links are in the places. You
can hear more of our thoughts on that.
Now Yeah. Just know
that depending on how old it is, some
of our opinions have have also shifted over
time. Mhmm. But in general
Yeah. That if nothing else, it's at least
what we were going through at that time.
So Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. K. So are
we good? I don't know.
Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you
next week.
Dada. Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to
the crickets?
Yeah.
Burgess Meredith.
What?
The Twilight Zone episode they were talking about.
In live chat. Yeah. I Castle's Secret Life.
I don't What?
So I think I know which episode you're
talking about, but go ahead. Yeah. Remind us.
They they were talking about the episode where
there's a nuclear apocalypse
and this person,
he's left alive and he gathers up all
these books because
everything gone, he doesn't have to worry about
working or, you know, taking care, and all
he wants to do is read.
And he gathers up all these
books, and then his glasses break.
That man was not holding that book close
enough to his
face. I'm assuming he was nearsighted. If he
was far sighted No. We'd I'd be how
far back can I go? I I I
remember that episode myself. That was Burgess Meredith.
I don't And that
that has always been a fear for me.
I'm You know that? I have no expectation
of surviving the zombie apocalypse. I am one
of those people that hopes I'm just taken
out in the first wave of it. I
don't I don't want to live The Walking
Dead life. Okay? I'm not cut out for
surviving like that.
I also don't want to become a zombie.
So whatever it is, I it just needs
to go ahead and take me out. That
if that's how I go, that's how I
go. I don't want to live in the
aftermath
of a zombie apocalypse.
But yeah. I think I I think I
remember watching that episode Mhmm.
Because you I can kinda see it in
my head when you describe it. And the
thing that always fucked me up about Twilight
Zone episodes
is
some of the episodes just left me with
this, like,
like, this ache in my heart. Like,
this if it didn't freak me out, it,
like, it physically hurt. Like, oh oh god.
Oh, new fear unlocked. I didn't know that
was the thing I needed to be afraid
of. And also that's That's what made the
show so good. The one I remember, and
you and I have talked about this before,
and I never remember the plot because I
was, like, 8 and my dad was watching
reruns, was the pick face one. That one
freaked me the fuck out. All I know
is it was medical professionals
turning around to look at this person who's
freaking out. You're like, what's it freaking out?
And everybody's got a picky face.
And I don't know anything beyond that.
But that, I can close my eyes, and
I can see that.
I don't know that impressionable
young children
who have an overactive imagination
and take things literally Mhmm. Maybe maybe she
shouldn't have been watching that.
You know, the
the to me,
the the Twilight Zone
was
such a good show.
Mhmm.
And,
you know, the the episodes,
they
they impacted you in in such a way
and, you know, they they tried to recreate
it. You know, they they after Rod Rod
Serling
died, they tried to bring the show back.
It was never the same.
It it was not not the same. There
was just something about the the original,
you know. Yeah. It's can't be black and
white, but it The storytelling was tight. The
storytelling was, like, you were take and again,
I'm truly remembering this from, like, being very
young. Mhmm.
But what I remember is
what when something would happen,
the end,
it was tragic.
Yeah.
It was ironic,
and
it was either it
was when I think about the the one
with the glasses, I think about the piggy
face one even though I cannot remember the
piggy face one.
Something about it, when you found out that
ending,
it made sense. It clicked. Like, it might
have been unexpected.
I would not have thought that piggy face
nurses were gonna look at the camera. But
within the story, you went, this was clearly
the only way this could have gone. Once
you see it and you like Mhmm. And
that was that was tight storytelling that I
I I don't know because I only remember
just a couple of episodes, but I don't
feel like it was sensationalized.
And things that, like, especially
like eighties, nineties today, all that,
it's about the sensationalism
of it. It's about the shock value. Yeah.
And
Twilight Zone was shocking, but it was shocking
in a quiet way. You know what I
mean? It was like, did you just the
glasses break, and anybody who can't see without
their glasses is crying for that man.
Right. The other one I remember is the,
episode which William Shatner is on the plane
Mhmm. And gremlins tearing the wing apart. I
don't need another fear unlocked.
Look. I was a kid with a very
active imagination
who took and I'm
I don't know how much of this is
just who I am and how much of
it was little kidness. Yeah. Took everything literal.
If if an adult told me,
it was gospel. That is that is how
the world works. And so
and then through a storytelling device. Oh my
oh my god.
No.
Anyhoo. Anyway,
miss Lola has finally calmed the hell down
and gone to sleep. Yes. Do we know
where Onyx went? She went back. Back in.
See
I don't I don't know. Maybe the door
got pushed open. I don't know. I don't
know.
But her
entrance scared me so much that I scared
her, and that's why we did not have
onyx rubbing up on our microphones. Mhmm.
Mhmm. So
Lola's good. Onyx is well, I don't know.
She might have thought she was having a
heart attack time there for a second. She's
good. Ella's good. Ella's good.
My mom is in town. Mhmm. Not for,
like, a visit. Like, it's fun, and we're
gonna do stuff all the time.
My okay. So my uncle had surgery. Yeah.
And my aunt is disabled, and my uncle
usually, like, drives, replaces, takes care of stuff.
Right?
So
he's had surgery and is in the hospital.
So my aunt needs help doing stuff. My
mom's like, I am retired. I will come.
And then when he gets out of the
hospital, he's gonna have some time. Then he
needs to recover. He can't, like, do stuff
as so she's like, I'm staying until
they're good. I'm like, okay.
So it's weird knowing, like, we're in the
same time zone. We're in the same county
where it's like Yeah. But I'm working, and
she's, you know, she's taking care of things
that need to be taken care of.
But it is nice kinda having her in
town.
So yeah. Like,
when when she wants to chat with me
or I wanna chat with her, we don't
have to be like, where's your husband? Hers,
my evil stepdad. She'd be just she'll be
like, I'll just step out of the hospital
room, like, when they're visiting or whatever and
just call. And so that that's been kinda
nice. And she's already I know she's gonna
come over this weekend. Mhmm. Because so the
rule is and I adore my mother. Okay?
The rule is for the 2 of us,
if we are
sharing the same living space 247,
our max is 72 hours. Okay?
If we're seeing one another, as long as
we get some breaks and we don't do,
like, 8 hour days every single solitary, we
can we can go as long as we
need to. I think the sisters have something
similar
because
in a loving way, I think they're already
driving each other crazy.
Yeah. Because there's certain things about them that
are very similar, and then there are certain
things about them that are, like,
complete opposites. Right?
Like, my mom needs to know what the
plan is
from moment to moment. And if you're not
devising the plan, she will help you
figure out what the plan is.
My aunt is a little bit more of
a a chaos goblin.
She kinda wants the outline of a plan,
but she'll just wing it mostly. Right? That's
the one thing she's gonna whatever the plan
is, she's not worried about.
These 2 are clashing
in a loving way. They love one another,
but
I think they make each other crazy. So
my mom has already been like, I'll see
you this weekend.
So,
yeah. And,
I know you would not be shocked that
I'm not the only one in my family
who talks this much.
My mom is not the one. It's my
aunt, and it comes as straight line down
from my grandma.
I don't know of anything anybody beyond my
before my grandmother,
who was also, like, a nonstop talker. But
my mother is not a nonstop talker.
And my aunt tells
she's the family historian. She remembers the stuff.
She tells you the story. She like
I think
yeah. I'm I we'll see her this weekend.
I told her though. I said, look. You
can come to my house. I told her
she didn't have to wait till the weekend.
I'm like, you can come to my house
and just sit in silence, and I won't
say a word to you until you talk
to me first if that is what you
need.
I know how people like us are. Like,
I know what we
what us talkers can do to our loved
ones who are not talkers.
Mhmm. I also know as even though I
am a talker, what it's like to be
talked out like that. I love the oldest
with every fiber of my being. But I
have learned the art of going, mhmm.
Yeah. Because sometimes he doesn't he don't really
want you to respond anyway. He just wants
to think out loud. Mhmm.
Cool. I'm glad you didn't need really need
me here for this. It's fine.
So
but,
yeah. So that's us. Yeah.
I made my own throat hurt talking about
this topic.
You talked a lot. I always talked. But
you had good things to say.
I'll let others decide.
But,
yeah, this is just it's
this is the un this today's whole this
week's whole topic was the unsexy part of
Power Yeah. It's the part where rubber meets
the road. Mhmm.
So True. True. True. Oh, no. Onyx, please
don't rub against the tripod.
I'll get the camera.
Let's see if I can get her up
here. I was trying Oh, her little eyes.
Really?
No. She's
not. Hi, Nix.
Nope.
Not for me. No. I tried, but maybe
She loves you.
If we can get her up here
What'd she do? She tried climbing my leg.
Well, I think she's still trying. I just
saw her little ears.
Oh goodness. You know, she's gonna go rub
on our cardboard boxes and probably dig in
the trash can to find plastic to eat.
Yeah.
Yeah. God. Yeah. She is one of those
cats where we go, stop eating plastic. Stop
eating plastic. Right.
So anyway Anyhoo.
We,
we're gonna go. Yeah. Yeah. Time to put
her feet up for the night. Yeah. Mhmm.
Yeah. Yep.
Yeah. Yeah.
I guess that's all I got. Just know,
we are not the end all be all
arbiters on these topics No. Because it is
a very unique thing. You have to find
your own unique path forward. Right.
But yeah.
So yeah. I guess we're gonna go. Yep.
And we will see y'all
next week. Yep. Yep. Okay. Bye. Bye.