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You're listening to

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podcast. K. The Lords here were the 1,

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the only,

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the light of my life, the love of

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my life, the

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girder of my loins. No. I don't think

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that's how that works. Anyway,

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John Brownstone.

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I I know you have to gird your

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loins. I'm not sure what you're girding them

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for. I'm not even sure what girding is.

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I don't even know if I'm saying that

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word correctly. I've only ever read that word

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in a book. Many books. Lots of books.

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I'm I'm Yeah. You can see how long

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it he's like, I I don't even know

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what to do with that.

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Oh, okay.

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So

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I don't know if that means it's a

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good thing or not that we're recording this

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after we did the live stream this week.

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We'll let y'all decide.

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That's not what we're talking about this week.

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This week, we're answering a question from a

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kinkster who is struggling to enjoy scenes with

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a nervous dom.

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Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're

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new here, we help kinksters like you have

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happy healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast

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to your favorite podcast app so you never

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miss an episode. And if you'd like us

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to answer your question in a future one

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of these, you can use our contact page.

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It's literally called ask your questions on our

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website at lovingbdsm.net.

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That's lovingbdsm.net,

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or hopefully you can find the link in

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the show notes for this episode.

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Okay.

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Let's get into the question. It says, hello.

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So I'm in a relationship with a woman

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who is very new to kink and calling

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herself a dom. I have some experience with

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a couple other girlfriends in the past. I

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don't think she understands the whole idea of

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power exchange, so I'm having to keep telling

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her that everything feels good during a scene

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and it's exhausting, and I can't just relax

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and enjoy the sensation.

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She seems very worried that she'll hurt me

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no matter how much I explained that I

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like the sensations. It's like she doesn't believe

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me and or trust herself.

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Makes me hesitant to even play with her

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because it's too much energy going out for

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me to convince her that it's all okay

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and feels good. And we are only using

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some vloggers and a bit of spanking and

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paddling, nothing heavy.

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I am this close to yelling at her

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to step into her damn power.

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Help.

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Yikes.

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Yeah. I I I feel like you Leigh's

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gotta stop until she gains just enough

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confidence

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to at least allow things to happen. And

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and that's I think what it what it's

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coming down to here is somebody needs to

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to build their confidence. Mhmm.

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Paddles and floggers, mainly what they're using.

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I'm gonna make suggestion to you. This is

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I used to practice on a pillow with

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my floggers. And,

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those those poor pillows were flogged into submission

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time and time again.

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But it it's a way to to practice

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what you're doing,

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not worry about hurting anybody Mhmm. And and

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get that practice

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building up the muscle memory

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so that you're you're more confident in what

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you're doing. Mhmm. You know, that that's that's

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one way

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to to look at this. The other,

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I think, would be,

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you know,

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start reading some books.

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Go And this is for this Dom, that's

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what she needs to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Right, right, right. Yeah.

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You know, get some books, read some books.

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Are there workshops

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in your area that you can attend on

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power exchange and different dynamics?

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If not, can you find one virtual

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Mhmm.

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That you can that you can do?

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The the other thing

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that I'm I'm going to suggest that I

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think would

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be

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pretty applicable

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in in this instance.

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I I 1, I hope you're using a

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safe word,

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but 2, think about using the stoplight.

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Alright.

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So, you know, green,

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everything's

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good. Yellow,

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need to back off a little bit. Red,

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that's that's a stop.

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So, you know, this this allows,

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you know, if if things

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do get,

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you know, a little out of control, you

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you've got the thing way to back it

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off. If not, you know, if if if

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your partner, if she's sitting there flogging you

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and spanging you and you're saying green,

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they know they're good to go and keep

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going. And I would think that would be

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a confidence builder for the dom. If the

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moment you get nervous, instead of going, oh,

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no. What do I do? Just go, give

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me a color. Mhmm. And if the bottom

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or the submissive

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is like green,

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then that is information

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that they need to keep going. The biggest

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difference though is that they have got to

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trust

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not just themselves, but their partner. Yes. Hell,

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yeah. It's bad enough if you don't trust

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yourself that you're you're

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are you doing it wrong? Are you gonna

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accidentally hurt somebody? Are you just too nervous?

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But then if you don't trust your partner's

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enthusiasm, if they're telling you this is good,

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keep going, and you still don't feel like

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you can,

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you know, that that's yet another reason that

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probably everything needs to stop. We need a

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time out. There needs to be something going

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on outside of the scene

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before there's a scene again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

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Yeah. Yeah. I agree with that. Absolutely. You

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know that

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rather than than stopping mid stride,

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you know, the conversation needs to be had

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before.

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Right. And I think Yeah. For the person

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asking the question, what do you do? If

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you have not already, and even if you

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have, maybe you find another way to do

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this, there's got to be conversations about this.

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And I think it is okay if you

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are direct and firm without being mean

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or insulting to go,

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your nerves are making this

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unpleasant for me. I cannot get into this

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because you were so nervous. So how can

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we help you be less nervous?

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And you can suggest the color light method.

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And and all your dog has to do

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is literally just go give me a color.

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Ta da. Right?

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I think also that if

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so there are reasons to say for it

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out of a scene to stop a scene.

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I think it is okay if you were

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getting frustrated in the scene

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and you cannot enjoy it because

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your dom's nerves

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are messing with the vibe.

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It's okay to say for it and go,

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we just need to stop. This this just

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isn't working. You know?

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The the main reason we stop a scene

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is for pain, bad pain, danger, risk, you

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know, something has gone wrong. Right. But I

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think it's okay to go.

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You your lack of confidence is is making

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this difficult. Mhmm. Because quite frankly, somebody's lack

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of confidence is what can get somebody hurt

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unintentionally.

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Right. Because you are too careful or you

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get upset with yourself that you're being so

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nervous and so then you go too hard

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or just weird things can happen. When I

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was learning how to drive a 1000000 years

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ago,

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the people in my life who were teaching

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me how to drive were, like, actually being

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too cautious is that probably a little bit

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more dangerous than being too crazy out here

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on the road. And I don't think it's

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that dissimilar

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in kink. You can there is such a

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thing as too cautious.

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You can you just do weird stuff and

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people don't wanna play, and it is valid

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to not wanna play.

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The other thing is, is this just a

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play situation, or is this a power exchange

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that you are in the process of negotiating?

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Because in a play situation, you can just

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go look. I like you. I wanna play

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with you, but I can't do this until

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you get some more under your

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belt or you get a little bit more

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security or you learn some things so you

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are more confident. Yeah. If you're trying to

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negotiate a power exchange, I think you gotta

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put the brakes on that too until they

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know what that means,

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what

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that's, you know.

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Yeah. And if you're like, in the question,

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you would say, I don't think she understands

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the whole idea of a power exchange. Well,

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then let's let's pause

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because you're not getting what you need out

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of this. They're being so nervous that it's

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probably not great for them either,

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and they don't understand what power exchange is.

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Like, there's a lot of learning, I think,

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that has got to go on Yeah. Before

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maybe you can get into this. I would

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say, normally, I'd say, you know what? If

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the power exchange part isn't there, but the

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kink is, the topping and bottoming is going

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well Mhmm. Keep doing it. Have fun. Focus

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on the fun. But if y'all are having

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fun, what are we doing here?

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I I do. I think Yeah. It was

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so funny because when we got this question,

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I read it to you. I was like,

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actually, I wish the dom had written it.

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Yeah. So we could be like, look, here's

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what you need to go do.

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Mhmm. But in your case, as as the

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partner,

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show her this video, offer these suggestions.

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If she's willing to listen to you and

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let you kinda guide

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her path a little bit, then, you know,

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offer these suggestions. If she's not a reader,

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but she is more of a listener, you

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know, there's audiobooks,

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podcasts,

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videos for people who but the the information

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is out there.

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What she may also need to do is

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go find some doms to talk to and

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find some communities. Right. And I and I

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was just gonna say,

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you know, that's something to look forward to,

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like a a dominant roundtable. Mhmm. Many communities

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have,

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these these roundtables

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where, you know,

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one side they have, you know, dominance that

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all meet and talk, they have submissive

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round tables at the same you know, for

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on on the other side.

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So, you know, the this is something that

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they could seek out. And and, you know,

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at that point,

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00:09:35,870 --> 00:09:37,009
freely talk about

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what's going on and what's happening and, you

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00:09:39,149 --> 00:09:42,350
know, what they're hoping to achieve. Mhmm. Another

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thing I thought about, you know, you're playing

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00:09:44,429 --> 00:09:47,549
with vloggers and spanking with paddling, and I

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00:09:47,549 --> 00:09:50,475
I love your suggestion. Go practice on something

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00:09:50,475 --> 00:09:53,115
inanimate so you can't possibly hurt it. That

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00:09:53,115 --> 00:09:54,875
will gain confidence. Right. The other thing might

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00:09:54,875 --> 00:09:56,714
be to consider, and this depends on if

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you're willing and this is a sensation you

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00:09:58,394 --> 00:10:00,475
like. Can you can you back off from

283
00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:01,294
toys and

284
00:10:01,995 --> 00:10:03,570
maybe she can just use her hand?

285
00:10:04,129 --> 00:10:05,570
That is up to you as well. Like,

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00:10:05,570 --> 00:10:07,250
if that's not a sensation you like or

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00:10:07,250 --> 00:10:09,330
if that's not how you want to experience

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00:10:09,330 --> 00:10:11,169
impact, you don't have to. But if that

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is something you are willing to do, it's

290
00:10:13,330 --> 00:10:16,815
entirely possible that that can also help her

291
00:10:16,975 --> 00:10:19,774
gain confidence because you hit once light and

292
00:10:19,774 --> 00:10:20,514
you go,

293
00:10:21,375 --> 00:10:23,294
oh, this wasn't the worst thing ever. Yeah.

294
00:10:23,294 --> 00:10:25,134
You hit again a little harder and it's

295
00:10:25,134 --> 00:10:27,215
a it's a more physicality where you are

296
00:10:27,215 --> 00:10:28,975
also feeling it, so you know what you're

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00:10:28,975 --> 00:10:30,815
feeling. With with your hand, you you kind

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00:10:30,815 --> 00:10:32,034
of experience what

299
00:10:32,879 --> 00:10:34,879
the bottom is experiencing at the same time.

300
00:10:34,879 --> 00:10:37,519
You know? Yeah. Maybe not total, but You

301
00:10:37,519 --> 00:10:38,820
have an idea of it.

302
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:41,200
I know as a as a person who

303
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,299
is not going to hit anybody with anything,

304
00:10:43,759 --> 00:10:46,160
probably ever, when I hold a paddle and

305
00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,445
I feel like swinging, it makes me nervous

306
00:10:48,445 --> 00:10:50,065
because I don't really know

307
00:10:50,524 --> 00:10:51,024
what

308
00:10:52,365 --> 00:10:53,964
what I'm doing to the other person. I

309
00:10:53,964 --> 00:10:55,164
can't feel it in the same way I

310
00:10:55,164 --> 00:10:56,845
can feel the my hand, if you ever

311
00:10:56,845 --> 00:10:58,445
notice. I love to grab your button. Pat,

312
00:10:58,445 --> 00:11:00,470
pat, pat. Yeah. But, that's because I Yeah.

313
00:11:00,470 --> 00:11:02,070
It's a very sensory thing. There's all kinds

314
00:11:02,070 --> 00:11:03,350
of reasons I like to do that to

315
00:11:03,350 --> 00:11:04,250
his butt, y'all.

316
00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:06,549
But, you're I'm not gonna pick up the

317
00:11:06,549 --> 00:11:08,070
paddle and tease you with the paddle in

318
00:11:08,070 --> 00:11:09,669
that way. 1, because I know that that

319
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,190
paddle would be snatched out of my hand,

320
00:11:11,190 --> 00:11:12,754
and I would be reminded about who's the

321
00:11:12,754 --> 00:11:14,154
dom and who's the sub. That's a whole

322
00:11:14,154 --> 00:11:14,975
different conversation.

323
00:11:15,914 --> 00:11:16,414
But

324
00:11:17,595 --> 00:11:20,394
on this weird level of where do I

325
00:11:20,394 --> 00:11:22,394
feel like I have the most control over

326
00:11:22,394 --> 00:11:25,034
what I'm physically doing, it's with my hand,

327
00:11:25,034 --> 00:11:28,110
not with an an extra object. And if

328
00:11:29,070 --> 00:11:31,409
y'all progressed maybe to paddles and floggers

329
00:11:32,110 --> 00:11:33,809
and skip the hand part,

330
00:11:34,429 --> 00:11:36,350
if you're willing, as the one who's gotta

331
00:11:36,350 --> 00:11:39,149
experience the sensation Mhmm. Back go back down

332
00:11:39,149 --> 00:11:41,470
to hand. And sometimes to move forward, you

333
00:11:41,470 --> 00:11:42,690
gotta take a step backwards.

334
00:11:43,254 --> 00:11:45,014
Exactly. But quite frankly, at the end of

335
00:11:45,014 --> 00:11:47,014
the day, if you try to talk to

336
00:11:47,014 --> 00:11:49,174
your partner, if you try to offer solutions,

337
00:11:49,174 --> 00:11:51,674
if you if they watch this video, if

338
00:11:51,815 --> 00:11:54,315
they find community, and things don't change

339
00:11:55,209 --> 00:11:57,709
and ideally improve. Right? Mhmm.

340
00:11:58,089 --> 00:11:59,309
Why are we still here?

341
00:11:59,929 --> 00:12:01,309
You know? The

342
00:12:01,769 --> 00:12:04,809
there are other opportunities and or if you

343
00:12:04,809 --> 00:12:05,789
are more miserable

344
00:12:06,250 --> 00:12:08,035
dealing with somebody else's nerves and it's not

345
00:12:08,035 --> 00:12:10,455
a relationship you want to cultivate long term,

346
00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:15,235
you know, you we try to be when

347
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,075
you're in a relationship where you genuinely care

348
00:12:17,075 --> 00:12:18,595
for the other person and it's something you

349
00:12:18,595 --> 00:12:19,955
wanna try to make work, you you work

350
00:12:19,955 --> 00:12:21,315
with the things that they struggle with and

351
00:12:21,315 --> 00:12:22,455
you try to help them.

352
00:12:22,879 --> 00:12:24,639
But they have to help themselves as well,

353
00:12:24,639 --> 00:12:26,179
and they have to be willing to kinda

354
00:12:26,399 --> 00:12:28,100
go outside their comfort zone to learn.

355
00:12:28,959 --> 00:12:31,039
Clearly, she's outside her comfort zone now, and

356
00:12:31,039 --> 00:12:33,459
kudos to her for trying. Right? Right. Sure.

357
00:12:33,759 --> 00:12:36,080
But there are there are other things that

358
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:37,784
could be done. And the big one is

359
00:12:37,865 --> 00:12:39,625
if you're not already you've you know, when

360
00:12:39,625 --> 00:12:40,985
you get to the point you're close to

361
00:12:40,985 --> 00:12:41,485
yelling,

362
00:12:43,225 --> 00:12:45,565
to tell them to, like, do do better,

363
00:12:46,184 --> 00:12:47,944
you gotta we gotta get out of the

364
00:12:47,944 --> 00:12:49,964
scene Mhmm. And have conversations

365
00:12:50,820 --> 00:12:52,660
when you're not trying to be bent over

366
00:12:52,660 --> 00:12:54,580
something and paddled. Right? Like, you gotta do

367
00:12:54,580 --> 00:12:57,460
it when everybody's, like, in a just a

368
00:12:57,460 --> 00:12:58,820
talking frame of mind, and you're not in

369
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,340
a power exchange frame of mind, you're not

370
00:13:00,340 --> 00:13:02,100
in play frame of mind, whatever, so that

371
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:04,440
you can have this conversation calmly. And say,

372
00:13:05,024 --> 00:13:07,105
this is this is killing it for me.

373
00:13:07,105 --> 00:13:09,584
This is not working. You know? And if

374
00:13:09,584 --> 00:13:11,424
you're willing, you say, I want to help

375
00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:13,345
you through this. I want to to send

376
00:13:13,345 --> 00:13:14,784
you to the places that you can get

377
00:13:14,784 --> 00:13:17,204
the information, but we this has gotta change.

378
00:13:17,584 --> 00:13:19,050
And if she's not willing,

379
00:13:19,670 --> 00:13:20,889
then that's when you reassess

380
00:13:21,269 --> 00:13:24,149
what you're doing. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. I mean,

381
00:13:24,149 --> 00:13:24,550
you know, let

382
00:13:25,269 --> 00:13:26,170
every everybody

383
00:13:27,430 --> 00:13:28,970
has different comfort levels.

384
00:13:30,504 --> 00:13:33,564
You know, not everybody is going to be

385
00:13:33,625 --> 00:13:34,444
as extreme

386
00:13:34,824 --> 00:13:37,485
Mhmm. In their kinks, and, you know,

387
00:13:37,944 --> 00:13:38,684
some people

388
00:13:40,105 --> 00:13:42,424
just, you know, light hand spanking and they're

389
00:13:42,424 --> 00:13:44,779
good. Right. You know, it it it is

390
00:13:44,779 --> 00:13:46,320
a whole whole spectrum.

391
00:13:47,340 --> 00:13:49,759
You know, will will will this person

392
00:13:51,179 --> 00:13:52,399
get up to your level?

393
00:13:53,019 --> 00:13:54,299
Don't know. It's gonna be

394
00:13:55,019 --> 00:13:56,860
And do they even want to? Right. It

395
00:13:56,860 --> 00:13:58,620
is entirely possible that they're trying to do

396
00:13:58,620 --> 00:14:01,034
this for you to make you happy, and

397
00:14:01,034 --> 00:14:03,134
it's not authentic to them. Right.

398
00:14:03,514 --> 00:14:05,274
And that that's a a harder thing to

399
00:14:05,274 --> 00:14:07,355
navigate because, again, you have to assess, is

400
00:14:07,355 --> 00:14:09,434
this a relationship I really want and I'm

401
00:14:09,434 --> 00:14:10,919
trying to make work, and can we find

402
00:14:10,919 --> 00:14:12,839
a middle ground? So, yeah, I think there

403
00:14:12,839 --> 00:14:15,019
needs to be some communication going on about

404
00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:17,480
what both of you want and how you

405
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,639
think you can get there. But instead of

406
00:14:19,639 --> 00:14:21,399
getting yourself to the point of frustration that

407
00:14:21,399 --> 00:14:22,779
you were like, ah,

408
00:14:24,679 --> 00:14:27,125
set aside some time Yep. To just talk

409
00:14:27,125 --> 00:14:29,524
about the state of your relationship without it

410
00:14:29,524 --> 00:14:31,764
being in scene or in a heads like,

411
00:14:31,764 --> 00:14:33,784
a specific kink headspace. Like, just

412
00:14:34,325 --> 00:14:36,565
sit down as equals and just talk it

413
00:14:36,565 --> 00:14:38,024
out. Yep. Mhmm.

414
00:14:38,485 --> 00:14:40,164
Thanks for listening to this week's q and

415
00:14:40,164 --> 00:14:41,605
a episode. If you want us to answer

416
00:14:41,605 --> 00:14:43,419
one of your questions, just use the contact

417
00:14:43,419 --> 00:14:44,879
page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,

418
00:14:45,820 --> 00:14:47,019
or you can find the link in the

419
00:14:47,019 --> 00:14:48,860
show notes. Big thanks as always to our

420
00:14:48,860 --> 00:14:51,100
kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to

421
00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:52,860
do this podcast and keep it going and

422
00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:55,500
help kinksters due to your support. If you'd

423
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:56,860
like to be part of our community and

424
00:14:56,860 --> 00:14:58,835
get access to extra content and a Discord

425
00:14:58,835 --> 00:15:00,514
server with a group of super cool, super

426
00:15:00,514 --> 00:15:02,434
nice kingsters, you can do that. Just join

427
00:15:02,434 --> 00:15:03,254
us at patreon.com/kayla

428
00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:05,414
lords. That's patreon.com/kayla

429
00:15:06,835 --> 00:15:08,695
lords, or use the link in the show.