You're listening to
podcast. K. The Lords here were the 1,
the only,
the light of my life, the love of
my life, the
girder of my loins. No. I don't think
that's how that works. Anyway,
John Brownstone.
I I know you have to gird your
loins. I'm not sure what you're girding them
for. I'm not even sure what girding is.
I don't even know if I'm saying that
word correctly. I've only ever read that word
in a book. Many books. Lots of books.
I'm I'm Yeah. You can see how long
it he's like, I I don't even know
what to do with that.
Oh, okay.
So
I don't know if that means it's a
good thing or not that we're recording this
after we did the live stream this week.
We'll let y'all decide.
That's not what we're talking about this week.
This week, we're answering a question from a
kinkster who is struggling to enjoy scenes with
a nervous dom.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're
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or hopefully you can find the link in
the show notes for this episode.
Okay.
Let's get into the question. It says, hello.
So I'm in a relationship with a woman
who is very new to kink and calling
herself a dom. I have some experience with
a couple other girlfriends in the past. I
don't think she understands the whole idea of
power exchange, so I'm having to keep telling
her that everything feels good during a scene
and it's exhausting, and I can't just relax
and enjoy the sensation.
She seems very worried that she'll hurt me
no matter how much I explained that I
like the sensations. It's like she doesn't believe
me and or trust herself.
Makes me hesitant to even play with her
because it's too much energy going out for
me to convince her that it's all okay
and feels good. And we are only using
some vloggers and a bit of spanking and
paddling, nothing heavy.
I am this close to yelling at her
to step into her damn power.
Help.
Yikes.
Yeah. I I I feel like you Leigh's
gotta stop until she gains just enough
confidence
to at least allow things to happen. And
and that's I think what it what it's
coming down to here is somebody needs to
to build their confidence. Mhmm.
Paddles and floggers, mainly what they're using.
I'm gonna make suggestion to you. This is
I used to practice on a pillow with
my floggers. And,
those those poor pillows were flogged into submission
time and time again.
But it it's a way to to practice
what you're doing,
not worry about hurting anybody Mhmm. And and
get that practice
building up the muscle memory
so that you're you're more confident in what
you're doing. Mhmm. You know, that that's that's
one way
to to look at this. The other,
I think, would be,
you know,
start reading some books.
Go And this is for this Dom, that's
what she needs to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right, right, right. Yeah.
You know, get some books, read some books.
Are there workshops
in your area that you can attend on
power exchange and different dynamics?
If not, can you find one virtual
Mhmm.
That you can that you can do?
The the other thing
that I'm I'm going to suggest that I
think would
be
pretty applicable
in in this instance.
I I 1, I hope you're using a
safe word,
but 2, think about using the stoplight.
Alright.
So, you know, green,
everything's
good. Yellow,
need to back off a little bit. Red,
that's that's a stop.
So, you know, this this allows,
you know, if if things
do get,
you know, a little out of control, you
you've got the thing way to back it
off. If not, you know, if if if
your partner, if she's sitting there flogging you
and spanging you and you're saying green,
they know they're good to go and keep
going. And I would think that would be
a confidence builder for the dom. If the
moment you get nervous, instead of going, oh,
no. What do I do? Just go, give
me a color. Mhmm. And if the bottom
or the submissive
is like green,
then that is information
that they need to keep going. The biggest
difference though is that they have got to
trust
not just themselves, but their partner. Yes. Hell,
yeah. It's bad enough if you don't trust
yourself that you're you're
are you doing it wrong? Are you gonna
accidentally hurt somebody? Are you just too nervous?
But then if you don't trust your partner's
enthusiasm, if they're telling you this is good,
keep going, and you still don't feel like
you can,
you know, that that's yet another reason that
probably everything needs to stop. We need a
time out. There needs to be something going
on outside of the scene
before there's a scene again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. I agree with that. Absolutely. You
know that
rather than than stopping mid stride,
you know, the conversation needs to be had
before.
Right. And I think Yeah. For the person
asking the question, what do you do? If
you have not already, and even if you
have, maybe you find another way to do
this, there's got to be conversations about this.
And I think it is okay if you
are direct and firm without being mean
or insulting to go,
your nerves are making this
unpleasant for me. I cannot get into this
because you were so nervous. So how can
we help you be less nervous?
And you can suggest the color light method.
And and all your dog has to do
is literally just go give me a color.
Ta da. Right?
I think also that if
so there are reasons to say for it
out of a scene to stop a scene.
I think it is okay if you were
getting frustrated in the scene
and you cannot enjoy it because
your dom's nerves
are messing with the vibe.
It's okay to say for it and go,
we just need to stop. This this just
isn't working. You know?
The the main reason we stop a scene
is for pain, bad pain, danger, risk, you
know, something has gone wrong. Right. But I
think it's okay to go.
You your lack of confidence is is making
this difficult. Mhmm. Because quite frankly, somebody's lack
of confidence is what can get somebody hurt
unintentionally.
Right. Because you are too careful or you
get upset with yourself that you're being so
nervous and so then you go too hard
or just weird things can happen. When I
was learning how to drive a 1000000 years
ago,
the people in my life who were teaching
me how to drive were, like, actually being
too cautious is that probably a little bit
more dangerous than being too crazy out here
on the road. And I don't think it's
that dissimilar
in kink. You can there is such a
thing as too cautious.
You can you just do weird stuff and
people don't wanna play, and it is valid
to not wanna play.
The other thing is, is this just a
play situation, or is this a power exchange
that you are in the process of negotiating?
Because in a play situation, you can just
go look. I like you. I wanna play
with you, but I can't do this until
you get some more under your
belt or you get a little bit more
security or you learn some things so you
are more confident. Yeah. If you're trying to
negotiate a power exchange, I think you gotta
put the brakes on that too until they
know what that means,
what
that's, you know.
Yeah. And if you're like, in the question,
you would say, I don't think she understands
the whole idea of a power exchange. Well,
then let's let's pause
because you're not getting what you need out
of this. They're being so nervous that it's
probably not great for them either,
and they don't understand what power exchange is.
Like, there's a lot of learning, I think,
that has got to go on Yeah. Before
maybe you can get into this. I would
say, normally, I'd say, you know what? If
the power exchange part isn't there, but the
kink is, the topping and bottoming is going
well Mhmm. Keep doing it. Have fun. Focus
on the fun. But if y'all are having
fun, what are we doing here?
I I do. I think Yeah. It was
so funny because when we got this question,
I read it to you. I was like,
actually, I wish the dom had written it.
Yeah. So we could be like, look, here's
what you need to go do.
Mhmm. But in your case, as as the
partner,
show her this video, offer these suggestions.
If she's willing to listen to you and
let you kinda guide
her path a little bit, then, you know,
offer these suggestions. If she's not a reader,
but she is more of a listener, you
know, there's audiobooks,
podcasts,
videos for people who but the the information
is out there.
What she may also need to do is
go find some doms to talk to and
find some communities. Right. And I and I
was just gonna say,
you know, that's something to look forward to,
like a a dominant roundtable. Mhmm. Many communities
have,
these these roundtables
where, you know,
one side they have, you know, dominance that
all meet and talk, they have submissive
round tables at the same you know, for
on on the other side.
So, you know, the this is something that
they could seek out. And and, you know,
at that point,
freely talk about
what's going on and what's happening and, you
know, what they're hoping to achieve. Mhmm. Another
thing I thought about, you know, you're playing
with vloggers and spanking with paddling, and I
I love your suggestion. Go practice on something
inanimate so you can't possibly hurt it. That
will gain confidence. Right. The other thing might
be to consider, and this depends on if
you're willing and this is a sensation you
like. Can you can you back off from
toys and
maybe she can just use her hand?
That is up to you as well. Like,
if that's not a sensation you like or
if that's not how you want to experience
impact, you don't have to. But if that
is something you are willing to do, it's
entirely possible that that can also help her
gain confidence because you hit once light and
you go,
oh, this wasn't the worst thing ever. Yeah.
You hit again a little harder and it's
a it's a more physicality where you are
also feeling it, so you know what you're
feeling. With with your hand, you you kind
of experience what
the bottom is experiencing at the same time.
You know? Yeah. Maybe not total, but You
have an idea of it.
I know as a as a person who
is not going to hit anybody with anything,
probably ever, when I hold a paddle and
I feel like swinging, it makes me nervous
because I don't really know
what
what I'm doing to the other person. I
can't feel it in the same way I
can feel the my hand, if you ever
notice. I love to grab your button. Pat,
pat, pat. Yeah. But, that's because I Yeah.
It's a very sensory thing. There's all kinds
of reasons I like to do that to
his butt, y'all.
But, you're I'm not gonna pick up the
paddle and tease you with the paddle in
that way. 1, because I know that that
paddle would be snatched out of my hand,
and I would be reminded about who's the
dom and who's the sub. That's a whole
different conversation.
But
on this weird level of where do I
feel like I have the most control over
what I'm physically doing, it's with my hand,
not with an an extra object. And if
y'all progressed maybe to paddles and floggers
and skip the hand part,
if you're willing, as the one who's gotta
experience the sensation Mhmm. Back go back down
to hand. And sometimes to move forward, you
gotta take a step backwards.
Exactly. But quite frankly, at the end of
the day, if you try to talk to
your partner, if you try to offer solutions,
if you if they watch this video, if
they find community, and things don't change
and ideally improve. Right? Mhmm.
Why are we still here?
You know? The
there are other opportunities and or if you
are more miserable
dealing with somebody else's nerves and it's not
a relationship you want to cultivate long term,
you know, you we try to be when
you're in a relationship where you genuinely care
for the other person and it's something you
wanna try to make work, you you work
with the things that they struggle with and
you try to help them.
But they have to help themselves as well,
and they have to be willing to kinda
go outside their comfort zone to learn.
Clearly, she's outside her comfort zone now, and
kudos to her for trying. Right? Right. Sure.
But there are there are other things that
could be done. And the big one is
if you're not already you've you know, when
you get to the point you're close to
yelling,
to tell them to, like, do do better,
you gotta we gotta get out of the
scene Mhmm. And have conversations
when you're not trying to be bent over
something and paddled. Right? Like, you gotta do
it when everybody's, like, in a just a
talking frame of mind, and you're not in
a power exchange frame of mind, you're not
in play frame of mind, whatever, so that
you can have this conversation calmly. And say,
this is this is killing it for me.
This is not working. You know? And if
you're willing, you say, I want to help
you through this. I want to to send
you to the places that you can get
the information, but we this has gotta change.
And if she's not willing,
then that's when you reassess
what you're doing. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. I mean,
you know, let
every everybody
has different comfort levels.
You know, not everybody is going to be
as extreme
Mhmm. In their kinks, and, you know,
some people
just, you know, light hand spanking and they're
good. Right. You know, it it it is
a whole whole spectrum.
You know, will will will this person
get up to your level?
Don't know. It's gonna be
And do they even want to? Right. It
is entirely possible that they're trying to do
this for you to make you happy, and
it's not authentic to them. Right.
And that that's a a harder thing to
navigate because, again, you have to assess, is
this a relationship I really want and I'm
trying to make work, and can we find
a middle ground? So, yeah, I think there
needs to be some communication going on about
what both of you want and how you
think you can get there. But instead of
getting yourself to the point of frustration that
you were like, ah,
set aside some time Yep. To just talk
about the state of your relationship without it
being in scene or in a heads like,
a specific kink headspace. Like, just
sit down as equals and just talk it
out. Yep. Mhmm.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the
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lords, or use the link in the show.