You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast episode
413. Kayla Lords here with the one, the
only, the oh, I love that shirt you're
wearing.
1 and only John Brownstone. His shirt said
because I said so little girl. It would
be better if you said baby girl, but
still still, I love that shirt. Yeah. I
love that shirt. Mhmm. Good. Yeah. Yeah. That's
all we're talking about though.
This week, we are still on our back
to basics series, but we're kind of backtracking
to sort of the very first thing that
we could have talked about. I didn't know
it was an issue until everybody started asking,
where do I meet a dom or a
sub in the first damn place? So let's
talk about that. Welcome to the Living BDSM
podcast. If this your first time listening, glad
to have you. If you're back for another
week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every
Monday Friday for your kinky pleasure in education,
and show notes are found at loving BDSM.net.
Come back often and feel free to add
the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You
can also follow the show on Fetlife at
loving BDSM PC
on Instagram and technically threads at that handle,
I will forever motherfucking hate,
loving d s and the number one. So
it's at loving d s 1 or on
YouTube at youtube.com/
loving BDSM, where you can watch us live
from the podcast every Wednesday.
All links are in the show notes.
Okay.
Oh, podcast listeners, I don't know if, you
should be grateful that you do not hear
the chaos
in between our intro and us getting into
the episode or not. I don't know. But
the poor YouTube folk, I'm so sorry. I
don't know what that innuendo was even about.
Yep. Okay. So,
before we get into this week's topic, which
is probably gonna be a big one because
the the series seems to be, I would
like to thank this week's sponsor. It's not
us.
It is FLOR,
a dating app, a kink positive, kink aware,
but not kink focused
dating app. They consider themselves a nonjudgmental
space where any kinkster should be able to
feel comfortable.
The crowd is familiar with BDSM, but you
won't find just kinksters there.
And they set the expectation
from the time you sign up for the
app, which I did, thank you very much,
that boundaries are gonna be respected. They do
not tolerate, and they even have mechanisms for
not just sending, you know, unsolicited dick pics
and nudes and stuff. There was language in
the opening of the app when I was
signing up, and I went to go find
it again. Like, oh, that was a good
thing they said about and I couldn't find
it again. But when you're signing up for
the app, it tells you right there. Like,
we don't allow this. You have to do
this before you can, you know, send certain
kinds of pics, whatever whatever.
So that that's nice to Mhmm.
That's nice to see and hear and experience.
Every user is verified to minimize
scammers and catfishing. Nothing is perfect, but they
are actively trying. They're they're trying. Yeah. Right.
They are very pleasure focused,
femme focused. They had a thing on their
guidelines. I don't know how,
current it is, but it said that, men
have to be invited into the app, which
I did invite you
as my as my partner.
So I don't know if that's still true.
So, guys, if you're like, hey. I would
like to check this out. See see what
it see what it says. Because as you're
signing
up, you answer a bunch of questions about
yourself, and one is gender. It is not
just 2 choices. It's not even just 3.
It's like
like 7 or 8 options. It was pretty
extensive. Yes. And then you pick, you choose
your, sexual identity,
straight,
bi, lesbian, gay, and blah blah blah. But
then you pick your sexuality, and that list
was interesting because it was asexual,
demisexual, sapiosexual,
and, like, 5 or 6 others that I
didn't take note of because I was like,
oh, those are the ones I really recognize.
Know what those mean.
So, yeah, they're they're trying to be as
inclusive as possible.
They don't
how do they put it? They they say
specifically, we do not draw,
age, gender, race, or other lines.
Anyone is welcome to embark on an adventure
and be open and honest on their journey
to intimacy and genuine connections, which does make
me wonder about because y'all. They were like,
well, could we sponsor y'all? And I was
like, yeah. Sure. Let me go let me
go check y'all out. And I'm all over
their website. So their website community guidelines say
men have to be invited, but then they
say, we're open to all genders. So if
you're a man and you're like, this sounds
right up my alley, let me know because
something might have changed and shifted over time.
It is a free app. It is free
to sign up, but to get full features,
you do have to pay.
They have a free trial, 3 days, I
think it is. So if you're like, okay.
This is this is looking like my jam.
I kinda like what I'm seeing here.
You can do the free trial, see if
you want to go deeper and get more.
If you they you are welcome if you
are single or in an existing relationship.
I sent JB the invite link as I
was signing up. So I'm like, yes. I
am in a relationship. And, yes, I would
like to be connected to my partner here
because I'm scared of strangers, y'all.
So that's how you ended up signing up.
I sent you the link.
And yeah. So
we're talking about where where to meet, folk.
And if,
you are looking to meet potential new partners,
give the FLOOR app a a little check
out there. Take a look at it. See
if it's your thing. You can download it
for free. Sign up for free. Look around.
No commitment. All that good stuff.
Yeah. And thanks again to Floor for,
sponsoring. The link to, access it is in
the places. YouTube, it's in the description box.
Podcast folks, it's in the show notes. So
you don't have to go searching for anything.
Just go find the link and clicky clicky,
tappy tappy,
something like that.
Okay. Did we just scare Flora off? Maybe.
But I warned them.
Okay. So, yeah, thanks again to Flora for
sponsoring
this week's episode.
And it did it was it was prescient
that the this was our sponsor, and this
question was being asked
so often on
Instagram. Where do I meet somebody? And I'm
like,
wherever people are.
So we're
we're gonna try
and give a slightly deeper dive because it
is both a very simple,
answer and a complex one. Right? Like it's
it is literally
go to,
go to where the people are, but then
it's like but then sift through
and figure out who is not only kinky,
but you're kind of kinky. Now now see,
it was asked in in chat, do bears
need an invite?
Well,
the bears in the woods being preferable for
some of us,
probably not.
Okay. So I have attempted
to,
separate this out into all kinds of different
options because
my personal opinion is
I think that it because it is both
very simple and very complex that
people
make it
feel harder than it already is. It's already
hard enough to meet somebody. Let's just get
that out of the way. Okay? When people
are like, I wanna meet somebody like John
Brownstone. How did y'all meet? I'm like, well,
first you have to go back to 2012,
and you have to start a blog at
a time when you could still find blogs
through Google searches. And you have to, like,
put your soul
and your ass on the Internet and then
break up with a a previous partner and
bleed on the page. And then this nice
person has to show up in your comments,
and you have to get into conversations.
And I don't think our way is going
to help any fucking body. Okay.
Ours was a genuine friendship connection,
but you could not replicate that in a
laboratory anywhere. Like,
it was an online meet cute, I think
is what the kids call it these days.
Oh, god. I don't know. I'm old.
But, you know, it's it's as difficult as
meeting anybody else, I think. But with the
added layer of I have to tell them
I'm kinky and they and they have to
want to be kinky and then our kinks
have to align. Yeah. And so that is
that does make it more difficult, but I,
you know, I just the way I hear
people talking about it, sometimes I'm like, but
just go go where people are.
So to narrow that down so it's not
just this flippant answer, well, go be where
the people are, Ariel. You know?
Let's actually talk about some places that
you can meet a potential dom or sub
Mhmm. And some things to keep in mind,
as you're in those spaces because every space
will be different because every space has its
own culture. And depending on the type of
space, you will have rules that you have
to abide by,
which can complicate it or not. Okay?
So the very first one I've got on
our list are social media platforms. And I
don't mean because we're gonna get to it.
I don't mean fat life. I don't mean
the kink focused ones. I mean, the ones
where we're already all doom scrolling anyway.
Instagram,
TikTok, threads,
x.
That's Twitter. We're not calling it x.
Yeah.
Where people
are
is
where you can meet a potential kink partner.
The hard part with the non kink focused
social media platforms, they're free. They're accessible for
most people. They're easy to get on. That's
great.
They're all all well, Twitter's not. Many of
them are very sex negative, kink negative. So
it's actually hard to do searches for hashtags
and whatever else.
Twitter has gone so far the other way
that if you're not bombarded with politics,
you will be bombarded with nudity. And if
you're into nudity, that's great. Like, if you're
here for the porn bots, go have fun
with the porn bots. But that's not always
helpful when you're like, I'm actually trying to
meet people and connect with people. Yeah.
And Twitter's just made it harder. If you're
not paying,
to be verified and for premium access, they
make it harder to be found and to
find folks. You mostly see the paid folks,
you know, first and foremost. So Twitter
is actually less reliable. There was a time
we would give this advice, be like, go
your ass to Twitter, find you some BDSM
hashtags because you will find the kinky people.
And these days?
Yeah. It's,
there there's a lot of,
and between Instagram
and Twitter,
a lot of thirst traps.
Oh, god. Yeah. Like, the whole point is
the thirst trap. Yeah. Look, my new favorite
evening activity is to send the thirst traps
that I find sexy that knowing JB's,
knowing JB, I'm like, oh, he'll find this
intriguing as well. And I just send him
thirst traps that I find. I'm like, that
person had no shame and neither do I
sham.
So, you know, people who are being sexy
and kinky
online on social media spaces, they're there now.
The thing is is the most active of
them,
the ones whose content you're probably finding and
watching are either giving advice,
educating,
or they're thirst traps. So,
it's not I found a few that are
both.
Yeah. I mean, if I thought I could
get away with it, sure. I just nope.
Don't nope. That's not that's not the the
role for me.
So it is harder than it used to
be. Facebook, for all that Facebook sucks. I
hate Facebook. I have to keep Facebook for
professional reasons. I never go on Facebook.
That is still the home of secret groups
that people have created that somehow thousands of
people in it. The the downside to social
media is if you get into a group
that has thousands of people, there's almost no
real
vetting process. You're you're in a kinkish space,
but you don't quite know who you've come
across. But, again, you're aware the people are.
If that is the app you really enjoy
using and you connect with people there and
you feel comfortable commenting on things and having
conversations with people in comments,
it is possible
to come across a person
and get to know them and take it
to, you know, DMs and friend and follow
and and connect.
But
it is also a crapshoot.
Well, you know what they say about the
Internet. Mhmm. Great place to meet person who
has, the same kinks as yours, but they
live, halfway around the globe. Yeah. They're usually
across the ocean. You know, there's that there's
that. I was just really grateful you were
across the state. I came across the state.
Yep.
So I I always like to say social
media platforms
because look. Tumblr, for all that it went
real
kink negative and sex negative for a hot
minute there,
and devalued itself to a ridiculous level,
does still exist, and kinky people are still
there. There. Yeah. There are kinky people on
TikTok. Now TikTok is one of those places
it's not really made for
connection, not in the way that I think
of connecting to people. I don't doubt that
it happens. I don't doubt that there's somebody
who's met somebody who posted a thing or
left a comment, and you've made that connection.
And I'm very happy for you. Problem with
some place like TikTok when it comes to
kink content
is that they
tend to be pretty kink negative, and they're
they ban accounts left, right, and center. One
day, there's a person that was there, and
the next day, they're gone. They're gone. And
they've created their 15th,
account. And you don't know their name anymore
because it's their name with 85 numbers behind
it. And, like, it's just it's
complicated, but it is possible.
Part of it and this is true of
every place,
everything we list here.
And it's the reason I'm if you don't
approach me, I'm never gonna meet somebody. It
is you do have to talk to
folk.
You I mean, it's you you have to
leave a comment. You have to comment in
a way that's not, you know, being a
troll. You have to, like, be a real
person, and that requires a vulnerability that some
people don't deserve. Even that level of vulnerability,
some people won't respond to.
But but they they don't just know you're
there
watching or following or you know?
You do tend to have to
say something to somebody first so that you
can start a conversation
unless they happen to talk to you first,
and I am down for that because that's
how that works with me. I don't approach
no damn body. You gotta talk to me
first. But if you talk to me first
and my my mental health is wrong or
my vibe the vibe is off, then you'll
I will ignore you and I health is
wrong or my vibe the vibe is off,
then you'll I will ignore you, and I'm
really good. I didn't see that comment. I
don't know what you're talking about.
So don't ever ask me about this other
than
this kind of information because
no. Okay. The next one,
we're still kind of in the vanilla sphere,
but not completely, and that's dating apps. So
Floor that sponsored this week's episode is 1.
But there is Tinder and there is is
OkCupid still around? Yeah. There's Hinge and there's
is Hinge am I remembering the word names
right? There's other dating apps, y'all.
If you are a person
who loves a good dating app and that's
where you meet people and you are comfortable
in that space
Mhmm. You can use that space
to try to meet kinky people.
A couple of things, and it's true on
your social media as well.
Do you want your government name and your
picture
associated with kink? Are you comfortable with that?
Do you feel safe enough for that? There
are people in very specific careers who are
never gonna put their their actual face or
actual name next to the word kinky. It's
not safe for them. Mhmm. Other people
either don't have to worry about that, don't
care if it is something they might have
to worry about it. They're just open and
they're at a stage of life. They're in
a certain type of career.
We're at a stage of life. I use
the name Kayla Lords for my own privacy,
anonymity, and comfort, but shit, my face is
out there. My other things are out there
too, but you're the same way. You know?
John is actually your real first name. We've
never hid that. It's just the last name
gives a
layer of privacy,
but we put our face out there because
we live a type of life where we
are a lot less,
concerned about being attached to
kink and kinky fuckery.
A dating app,
one of 2 things.
You either start out going, this is me
and I'm kinky and I'm looking for a
kinky partner,
and then deal with that however that plays
out. And we could talk about that as
we go through as we talk about this.
Or
you do what a lot of people do
on social media accounts too, is you create
you you a fake name and a fake
whatever.
You have to follow the rules of the
app though, like for verification and stuff like
that. And that can get tricky because there
are places that won't let you use a
fake name.
You know? That you just have to be
careful with that, but that is one way
that people do it. Right. They're like, I'm
using a pseudonym.
You know?
I'll I'll tell a person who earns my
trust what my real name is. You know?
In some places, it's obvious you're using a
pseudonym. We don't think you're sweet baby princess
69420.
We know that's not your name. We know
that is your handle.
It's okay. You can tell somebody your name
when you're ready. But if you're like me
and you use a name that sounds like
a name,
at some point,
you might have to go, yeah. I I
did that for anonymity, but here's my real
name.
And that's a thing to consider. Mhmm. I've
always just been really straight up with, yeah,
this is the name I use for this,
but that's that's not my legal name. Yeah.
And,
you know, the people who get to know
my legal name, it's either an oopsie daisy
or am I trusted enough to tell them.
You do more
potential dating than I do. Mhmm. And I
know in the past, there were times where
you were on platforms that were kind of
like dating platforms,
social platforms that were geared towards
kink, polyamory.
Yeah. Like, what is your experience with that?
I I tried a a poly dating site
one time, a number of years ago.
I was not really impressed with it
And,
I have met
folks off of FetLife.
Mhmm. I have met folks through Discord. Mhmm.
And I've met folks through munches.
Which is on our list. We're gonna get
there.
So,
you know, as far as as dating sites,
other than the one couple years back,
I had not really dipped my toes in
it, just because of a lot of what
I hear from people saying. Yeah. And I
look You know? And I think it's okay
if you go. I don't wanna do data
gaps like Yeah. You know? And,
and actually, I'm I'm a little curious to
dig a little deeper into
Into floor. Into floor. Yeah.
And and really see because I I was
very impressed in the
just through the sign up process. That, I
did not expect it to be No.
As there were several steps to it. They
were really easy to go through, but it
was, like,
it it was it was it felt inclusive
from Yeah. From my perspective. Mhmm. Other people
might have a different perspective. But You know,
yeah. That that's just kinda how I've been
There are kinky dating apps. I have not
tried them. I've heard about them.
I know their name pops up from time
to time.
A kinky dating app gives you, I would
imagine, the best of both worlds of, like,
a kink site, like, we're gonna get into,
and the dating app,
system.
And that truly, as we get into the
idea of a kinky dating app and then
places like Fetlife, fetish.com,
The Cage. Mhmm. Any BDSM
themed platform
that is designed specifically for kinksters
and tends to allow a lot of wild
behavior.
Not all, but a lot.
That to me is the best of both
worlds because that is a space where it
is understood you are kinky. It is understood
you probably are not using your real name.
It is a place to
learn about and explore and get to know
people
with all of the same problems as every
other platform out there,
in that people won't read bios, people won't
respect boundaries, the DMs will get crazy,
the block and delete button has got to
become your friend. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh,
yes. And it I get where some where
some people might go. It feels more extreme
in a place like FetLife because it's all
so kink focused. You're not just getting
the random DM of, hey. You're getting the
random DM of, hey. Submit to me now,
slave. And you're like, bitch, I'm a fucking
dominant. Who the fuck are you talk or
you are submissive and you're like, what the
fuck? I don't even know you. Get away.
Right?
There's a there's an added
layer I mean of it. You know, let
let's be honest. FetLife really isn't a dating
site per se. It's just a social media.
It it it's a social media platform for
kinksters to
connect.
Have people met
someone through FetLife? Yes. Yes. Okay. Yes.
You know, it
you know, it it's just, you know, you
talk about the bad of FetLife. Yes. It
exists. It is there. You you can't ignore
it. It's there. No. You know? But there
there's also,
you know, a a good side. Absolutely. It's
a it's a useful tool if you kinda
decide what your focus is there. Mhmm. I
I should not be treated as a dating
site or a dating app. No. It's social
media where people can meet one another. The
difference is
is that
while
some people might,
and they do purposely use,
Instagram, Facebook, whatever, whatever to, you know, go
find somebody, slide into some DMs,
see what they can make happen.
There's something about it on FetLife that
it is okay if you find that kinda
gross behavior and it's a a boundary you
don't want crossed and you don't like it.
But it also makes more sense to me
there that it happens.
Mhmm.
Look. The the boundary crossing and the not
respecting boundaries, that's bullshit. Block, delete, report, one
nester. Yes. Yes. Yes. That is that should
not be considered acceptable behavior.
But
the fact that there's a space where
if you choose to, you can put as
much of your body out there as you
want. You can put as much of your
kinks out there as you want. Mhmm. You
can literally put in your profile that you
are looking for something. Right? Like, that is
a
a how do people not
expect that if if you can say you're
looking for somebody and some people do, not
everybody,
that then other people will go, oh, you're
looking for it. Maybe I'm who you're looking
for and that there wouldn't be connections made.
It's just that's not the sole purpose of
the site. True. You know, that is where
you go to find events in your area
or a place you're traveling. That's where you
go to find groups who are talking about
specific kinks that you are interested in or
care about. Right. It's where you can kind
of vet people and go, this person says
they're real active in this kink community. Let
me let me go see if that's actually
true.
I haven't been on fetish.com
in a very long time.
I feel like they were kind of trying
to be
kind of a dating thing and kind of
a social media platform. I haven't been on
The Cage in a while either. Me either.
What was their vibe the last time you
went on?
The the vibe that I got from it,
basically, they're just trying to be another form
of social.
Gotcha.
And, again, it's a little bit like kinky
dating apps. If you wanna just know that
you can put your kink self out there,
then choose a kink specific site. But it
is no different than any other platform. You're
going to have to
talk to somebody at some point. Mhmm.
You know, genuine comments,
only reply to the DMs that actually interest
you, delete the rest. Yeah. Delete the rest.
Nobody is entitled to your response if you
don't know them and they didn't ask and
you didn't give nobody's entitled to your response
when they're a total stranger. Like, just delete
them. It's it's fine. It's safe. Safe. I
say that to the people who are like
me. When I first got online
as a kinkster and and more when I
first got online in a a bigger way
when it became so prevalent. Like, I was
kind of around when Facebook first started going,
but I was using it from a business
perspective. I wasn't using it as a person.
And then when I tried to use it
as a person, I was a busy mom
of 2 little kids. I didn't have time.
But then there came a point where I
sat at a computer all day and I
was bored and everything was an app and
I could scroll on my phone and, you
know,
that kind of point in life where
I think I lost the the train I
was on. I think the train derailed. Where
was I going with that? Goddamn it.
I've lost it. I had a whole point.
I was real proud of the point. I
was real proud of the point.
I was real proud of the point. I
had a point.
I don't know how my brain is wired,
but I know it's the kind of word
where the thought's there one moment and gone
the next.
Just play that. I just wanna have been
slow. I hate that. I hate it. I'm
so sorry, y'all.
Part of where I'm trying to get to,
I don't know if this is what I
was on before,
is that,
you know,
you do have to participate
to some extent. Right? Like,
there was a time when, oh, that's what
I was on. God. I knew I'd get
there eventually.
When I first was, like, a heavy user
of social media, part of what overwhelmed it
for me is I thought I had to
reply to everything. And I don't mean every
time I saw something interesting, but, like, if
somebody talked to me in a DM or
a comment, I felt
this pressure and this obligation to respond to
everybody. And
the thing is
is if this was the old Internet where,
like, 2 people are there and one comments
and that's manageable,
fine. But we live in a time when
there's a lot of people, and you can't
always keep up. And sometimes
a a comment or a a DM does
not deserve a response.
Sometimes it's creepy.
Sometimes you're like, I don't even know what
you mean.
Sometimes you're like, who the fuck are you?
Right?
And that was the thing I needed to
give myself
permission for
was that
not everything needs to be commented on. Not
every comment needs to be responded to. Not
everybody who tries to talk to me actually
gets to have my time. So if you're
the type of person who kinda steers away
from places where there's messaging and there's conversations
and because you kinda have that feeling, I
cannot possibly be the only person alive who
has ever felt that way. This is me
giving you that permission. Just only
if the vibe feels right, if you're in
the right headspace that day, if you know,
it's different when it's a personal connection. This
is a friend you have. Right? Like, you
know that you're friendly. It's a little bit
easier to go, hey. I'm not really feeling
it today. I know we normally talk, but
I just can't today. Right? Or if it
takes you a couple days to respond,
decent people will be like, oh, just happy
you responded. It's
fine. That if you were that type of
person that feels that sense of obligation, like,
work on
letting some of that go and only talking
to the people who genuinely
interest you, intrigue you,
you know, you want to talk to. Because
that's how you make the connections so that
you can then potentially meet a Don Marsha.
Like, that's that's how that works.
Now
the next one.
This one is is definitely your one. Uh-oh.
And that is the in person kink spaces
to be a potential
Dom or so. Yeah.
Munches, workshops,
conventions, parties.
I'm I'm I'm gonna backtrack Okay. Just a
little bit here.
Okay?
Because here here is where, to me,
FetLife really steps up to the plate. Mhmm.
If you're looking for groups, if you're looking
for,
munches, you're looking for workshops, you're looking for
any of
that, FetLife
is the place. Mhmm. Alright. It is a
fantastic place
to,
find out what is going on
where.
Okay?
Many communities,
I I know I can speak for for
Pinellas County, from when I used to to
live there,
they
have munches.
They have socials.
And Orlando, I think too, they have, coffee
coffee socials in addition to the bigger the
bigger communities, larger cities.
And
I know a number of communities
even have
dating socials
for single people or poly folks. Gotcha. Who
are specifically looking for a partner. For for
someone. Okay. And and they have
meetups, you know, in some of these communities.
So, you know, that that is something to
keep an eye out for.
Alright?
Now, munches.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
You know,
here's here's here's, you know, one of the
things I see a lot of people and
good for them,
you know, they get people that that,
come into their DM's and fed live and
like, you know, hey, I I think we'd
be pretty good to let let's hook up.
Sure. Okay.
You know,
our our town
is having its munch in 2 weeks. Mhmm.
You know, I'd be happy to meet you
there and and talk.
They're either gonna show or they don't show.
That's a good way to weed out the
fakers. Good out good way to weed them
out. So,
you know, that that is something to consider.
You know,
workshops.
Mhmm.
You know, if if you have a kink
that you're particularly interested in, you know,
Max Play, knife play,
you know, any
impact play, any anything like that.
You know, you you go to workshops like
that,
it's gonna be filled with other people who
are interested You can't talk during the workshop,
but there's always time before and after. Mhmm.
You know? And depending on when it is
and where it is. I know, you know,
we've gone to workshops, and then there was,
like, a 30 minute gap, and then the
dungeon
opened or, you know, whatever.
So it rolled into something else. And and
and a lot of times at the at
the end of the workshop, you know, not
only is it a,
you know, a Q and A, but a
lot of times,
they will
allow people to try. Yeah. There'll be, like,
demos and tries and Mhmm. People can actually
try things out, and, you know, the person,
who did the workshop may oversee it, you
know, and make sure everybody you know, so
so you get to to meet people that
way. Mhmm. You know?
Parties.
Yeah. Dungeons,
you know,
dungeon, you know you're in a safe place.
I'm really happy. Yeah. Yeah. I'm really happy,
you know, that that decent dungeon is is
vetting their people and and doing checks to
make sure, you know, there there's no sketchy
folks getting in there.
But, you know,
many dungeons host pickup play. Mhmm. You know,
and and and that is,
you know, a a a great way to
meet folk, you know.
So plus it it keeps you, you know,
you you meet people like that, it'll
pick up play in a club, it also
keeps your negotiating skills Right. Sharp.
And the thing is is, let's say you
like, I do have access to a dungeon
and they they're having a party, and I
wanna go. I don't even know what I'm
doing. You don't
I once felt like I had to talk
down a friend who just couldn't get it
in their head that
going to a dungeon does not mean you
have to play.
Right. Like, there's no obligation. Anybody who would
ever make you feel obligated, ew, gross. That's
that's not a good vibe. Leave them or
leave the space. But in general, there's never
any obligation. There is
typically
as much space, maybe a little less, for
sitting around and socializing as there is for
play. You know? In
the different dungeons I've seen, sometimes there's, like,
here's the play space here. It's one giant
room, and then over here, there are seats.
The one we went to that literally had
an an upstairs and a downstairs, the upstairs
was for play, the downstairs was for social.
Realizing. Yep.
You know, the woodshed has all kinds of
little nooks and crannies and, you know, then
those who anybody who smokes or vapes, you'll
meet them outside. Mhmm.
That's just like a universal human thing, I
think.
And so, you know, if you have
if you can get to a space like
that, you the
you should not go feeling pressured or under
any expectation that you have to do anything
other than
just sit there and look cute while you're
there. Okay?
Because that's that's another part of it is
sometimes just getting
getting to a good comfort level in kink
spaces so you just feel comfortable being there
by yourself before you even try to talk
to anybody. Mhmm.
Mhmm. You know? And there there will definitely
be those people who see somebody either on
their own or it's just a couple people
and they're new and they're gonna come up
and talk to you. And you gotta go
based on your own vibe if you wanna
encourage that or if you want them to
go away. And the nice thing is with
a dungeon, there's a dungeon monitor, usually multiple.
If somebody is bothering you, you look for
the dungeon monitor. If a place does not
have a dungeon monitor or some other
designated way for to get help
when you need it,
when something goes wrong, when something's not right,
please leave that space.
When we're talking about play,
you know, there's,
floggers and whips and whatever being thrown around
and somebody's broken out a knife and somebody's
pouring hot wax on another human being. There
needs to be somebody or several somebodies there
to monitor things.
That's just, I think, a good rule of
thumb if you're in a new
kink play space. If there is nobody to
go to that you're like, that's the person
I can go to.
Yeah. Go ahead and leave because but that's
the nice thing about those spaces.
You got a creep a creeper who will
not take a hint, who's not leaving you
alone, who's
you you can go get help. Yeah.
For the folks who are gonna go, but
I where I live, nobody's kinky. First of
all, unless you live on a private island
of you and your 3 closest friends, and
that's it. And you're the only kinkster.
There are other kinky people there even in
very small towns.
The difference is is what is available to
you in your immediate location. Go look at
FetLife.
That will be a way to find it.
What is in your county? And then,
like,
3 counties call themselves the Tampa Bay area.
Okay. So Yeah. What's your closest
major metro
area? Some places are super rural. Your major
metro area is like a plane ride away.
It's like a half day drive away.
I get where that is then
difficult to do things in person. That's then
when we go back to online kink spaces
so that you can meet people online and
create your own little community or find communities
online.
But if you have the
access to and the ability to get to
a space that's within some sort of driving
distance or in some of the great countries
that have great train and rail system,
a short train ride,
You know, that is almost always an option.
And quite frankly, if you get out of
your immediate town
to go to a kink space, you are
usually
less likely to see somebody who might know
you. Yeah. Not always, but for the people
who get nervous about going into kink spaces
to meet potential kink partners,
it's
kink spaces are Vegas rules. What happens in
the kink space stays in the kink space.
Most people understand this. Every once in a
while, you find a dumbass or a gross
human being who does not.
The thing to remember is if you see
somebody you know it in kink space, and
you're like, oh, no. They've seen me. You've
seen them too.
Self mutual self sure destruction. Right? Like, if
they
out you as being kinky, you could get
to be like,
but do you do you know how they
knew? Would you like to know where they
were? Right? Like Yeah. So most of the
time, people are keep it cool, and sometimes
they interact, and sometimes they don't interact with
people that they know. That's a personal comfort
level.
But if that's your major concern, then, yes,
travel for your kinks space.
The thing about
all of this, all of this, all of
this
is that
none of
it is
guaranteed.
Mm-mm.
None of it
most likely
will be quick or easy.
And
my, anxious don't trust no damn body opinion
is it shouldn't be too quick or easy.
Right?
Like you our philosophy has always been, make
sure this is somebody you genuinely like as
a human being first. Right? Like, make sure
that
you wouldn't mind sitting next to them in
any other situation. You might not. It might
only be a kink thing, but, like, you
should like them as a human being. They
should be a friend of sorts.
Yeah. Pickup play, casual play tends to be
a little bit different than relationships, but we
focus on relationships here. So please make sure
you like them as a human being. That
can take time.
Also, when you go into any space, online
or in person, with the expectation that you
are there to meet somebody,
things tend to get intense and weird.
Mhmm. That is sometimes why the creepy people
feel so creepy because they are there with
a very intense
singular goal and that's what they're focused on
and they forget, hey. Actually, I just need
to be a human being existing in the
world. Right? Even if that makes me a
little awkward, a little weird, a little shy,
a little whatever,
people forget that. So
you don't go to a munch and go,
I'm gonna meet my dom here. It's gonna
be amazing.
It's not how it works. You're gonna meet
people and go, do I do I like
them as human beings? Is this a space
I wanna spend time in? Is that a
person
I wanna have a conversation with? For people
who are introverted, people who are socially anxious,
people who just are not talking to people
they don't know. However however that works for
you. I am one of you. You are
me. I am you.
Sometimes what you do is you go several
times and you don't say a whole hell
of a lot of nothing. You just observe.
Me, personally, I like to observe because I'm
watching vibes. I'm watching how people interact with
each other.
Do I sound like I had got trust
issues? Maybe.
But this is how I figure it out.
And so I go to something
a munch multiple times. I don't tend to
say much unless somebody is speaking to me
directly. I'm not rude. I just I'm not
gonna socialize.
Yeah. And I'm watching people. And I can
walk away from an interaction,
or an event and be talking to JB
and go, did you see? See? And he's
like, no. I was like, yeah. You're a
social butterfly. You were talking to folks. That
person was doing this thing, and they were
looking all shady. And what is that about?
And now we're gossiping. Mhmm. But now I
feel like I have a sense of people.
I also like to just
not feel pressured to speak and see how
people treat me, you know, quite frankly. Mhmm.
There will be people who will try to
be open and inviting, and you'll find out
real quick how much they respect boundaries. If
they don't pressure you or, like, guilt you
or force you, there will be some people
who just leave you the hell alone because
they're like, if you don't wanna talk, I'm
not gonna make you.
And you get that sense. So, like, that's
why don't don't go into a space like,
hello. I am here.
I am here to become a you're submissive.
I am here to become your dominant. Let
us negotiate power exchange. No.
Go be a human being and get to
know other human beings.
Quite frankly, the very last one I put
on this, because it's so fucking old fashioned.
I don't know if anybody even does it
anymore. That is literally let your your friends
set you up with somebody. Now that comes
with a million caveats. Right? Like, how well
do they know this somebody? Right? And do
they know that you're kinky, and do they
know that the person they're setting you up
with is kinky? This is where having kink
friends and a kink community can really come
in handy.
And I've like everything else, there is no
guarantee that anything will happen.
But sometimes having a friend that you met
at the munch, that you didn't go in
like a creepy person
looking for your partner,
You made that friend, you've been friends with
them for months, and they're like, oh, there's
a person.
I think you might like them. I think
y'all's king sign. I think y'all would be
really cool together.
Can I introduce you to them? Right?
And that's how you meet people and potentially
your partner. Sometimes it's a meet cute. Sometimes
it's some weird thing that happened,
you know, at the month, you dropped your
fork, banged your head on the table. The
person next to you is, like, thought that
you were adorable in your awkwardness.
I have to just imagine that if I
was a single person or if I was
actively looking for another partner, that is how
that would have to happen because
would I drop my fork and would I
bang my head on the table? Yes.
Can I only be with a person who
finds that adorable
and then checks to make don't have a
bump
on
my
head?
Yes.
Is it effort and work
to meet a potential kink partner? Mhmm. Yeah.
I mean, yeah. But I don't think it
should be this, like, main stressor. Like, you
walk around every day going, I have to
find a kink partner. I have to have
a find a kink partner. You have to
coexist in a world ideally where you feel
comfortable telling somebody you're kinky.
There are absolutely people who go into non
kink spaces,
meet people, know they're kinky, and then have
to do the dance of, do I tell
them I'm kinky? How will they take it?
If that's what you're most comfortable doing, if
that works for you, I am not gonna
yuck on anybody's yum.
But
I don't see how that's beneficial
a majority of the time. Mhmm. Because now
you've added an extra layer of complexity to
it because you might have met this person
that you really like,
and they might be, like, kink negative. Like,
not even just don't know about it, but
actively, like, kink shamey. And now you've got
that to contend with. And then you've got
all those nerves of,
I really like them, but now I have
to tell them. And have we been together
long enough for me to tell them? Whoo,
y'all. I'd rather you go, create a fake
name, a fake profile, and just put Kinky
on it and, like,
heavily edit that picture of yourself.
And just do that and be anonymous ish
on the Internet.
And go,
like, put it out there that you're kinky
and what you think you might be looking
for,
and be prepared to weed through the the
people who don't get it. How is that
that much different than unsolicited
dick pics and, you know, people who slide
into your DMs and then in non kink
spaces? I don't see how it's quite frankly
Yeah. Under my legal name when I had
that that kind of social media. And I
talked nothing about relationship sex.
Nothing. Certainly nothing about kink. I was talking
about freelance
writing. Y'all,
they were still sliding into DMs, and I'm
not that cute. Like, I'm not I'm not
somebody who's like that you're like, oh, yes.
Somebody's gonna like me. Uh-uh.
Uh-uh. I can look like a bridge troll
on the Internet,
and they will still slide in.
So
I just don't see how it's that much
different.
The the
the intensity sometimes can be. Like, I can
laugh much easier.
Now I can laugh at all of it.
But back in the day, I could laugh
much easier at a dick pic than I
could at the
you will submit to me messages.
For me, it's because I wasn't yet confident
in who I was as a submissive.
And so and I wasn't sure how to
navigate the kink world because I was thinking
of it as something completely and totally separate
from non kink spaces. And in a way,
it is because certain things
are more allowable. Right? We could talk about
how you like to have hot wax poured
on your tits. Right? Like that, you can't
usually just say that up in Facebook. You
can. Should you? Probably not. You know? Yes.
There are some differences.
Absolutely. There's nuance to it, but people are
people
in every space, and gross people are gonna
be gross people no matter what platform you're
on. So I think if, you know,
if you're not comfortable with your
legal name being attached to kink, don't use
those kinds of spaces where you use your
legal name. Go to kink specific places.
Create fake accounts. Facebook is harder for that.
Mhmm. Twitter is not. Twitter's still
fucking dumpster fire these days. Twitter still exists.
Yeah. Instagram, you can absolutely get away with
a fake name. I've been doing it for
years.
So create those
accounts that aren't really you
and try it that way if you want
to be in Villanilla spaces, if you just
feel more comfortable there. But it's all
kind of a crapshoot and it's all a
weeding through the people who are not what
you want Right. Who are not worth your
time Mhmm. Who do not respect boundaries Yeah.
And then trying to figure out if this
person
is your person. Right? Right.
Did you have
have I been interrupting? I probably have. Okay.
No. You carry on what you say. Okay.
Not not time for me to say what
I have to say. Okay. Cool. Okay. Look
at us being total professionals. Like, we do
this for a living or something.
I
do not have any ex well, the last
time I online dated in a non kink
way,
I met my it was my
first husband who clearly not divorced from. That
was on ICQ.
And if you even know what that is,
we're old together. Right?
So
I'm not gonna say I have a lot
of understanding
of non kink
spaces as a person trying to meet a
partner?
I I don't.
But from everything
I observe,
the same
different flavor, same problem of,
oh, they said they were this. Like, in
the non kink spaces, I hear people talk
about how well, you
know, we've been talking every day and we've
been seeing each other and we're talking about
moving in and we did move in, but
then they ghosted me. But then they told
me that it wasn't really it wasn't really
that serious, or I found out that they
had a partner already. Yeah. That's just a
different flavor of some of what you can
find in kink spaces when you're trying to
find a dom or sub, and they're full
of shit. Right? Now the differences the one
big differences, and this is an important distinction.
In kink, when you finally do meet up
with somebody
and you are going to play in some
way, The nature of the way what we're
playing at
is has
everything has a potential for for danger and
harm and violence.
But like in kink, we're actively hitting one
another with things. Right? Like, we're we're actively
sometimes
causing pain, potentially causing harm. There's there's that
kind of risk. And so
then the importance of trying to figure out,
is this person a safe person to play
with or to be around or to do
things with? Do I really want them to
be my dom or sub or both?
There's that layer that can't be I'm not
gonna dismiss it or ignore it.
But the fact that
air quote, doms lie to people all day
long, how was that any different
than the the douchebag
who's lying to you
in a non kinky way? Right? Like, it's
it's all lies. It's all having to figure
out, is this person trustworthy? And then sometimes
being wrong, And they say all the right
things, and you do all your internal self
checks, and and you try to figure it
out, and you try and navigate it. And
they were just a a lying liar liar,
pants on fire, motherfucker. Right? Like, those people
exist in and out of kinks' faces.
So I don't think you get away from
that, and I don't think
treating
trying to find a kink partner as if
it is completely inherently
different from trying to find any other partner
is helpful.
The the there's there are risk
factors you have to take into consideration. There's
ways of trying to keep yourself as safe
as possible. You have to consider there's a
negotiation level that
probably should exist in non kinky relationships,
but typically does not. Right?
There's added a little added complex
complexity,
but it's I just don't from watching everybody's
horror stories,
from the absolute fucking worst kind of horror
story to just the,
well, that's ridiculous kind of horror story,
it's the same shit, different fucking flavor.
Yeah. You know? There will be exceptions to
this, of course, of course. But, like
so when you know, if you're the type
of person who's like, well, how do I
find a dom or subbed? Well, you find
them like you find anybody else. You just
gotta add that little extra bit of going,
yeah. But I have to tell somebody I'm
kinky. I'm I'm gonna have to get them
to talk about kink with me if they
choose to.
High onyx rubbing up against my microphone. Mhmm.
So, ma'am, please don't rub your cheek on
the microphone. People are trying to listen. I
apologize for anybody with earbuds.
So, yeah, I think I'm gonna use the
word that you have taught me, and you
laugh every time I say it because it's
so fucking true.
It's a patience thing.
It's it's a patience. It's a time and
patience thing. Sometimes lightning strikes, and you just
meet somebody, and you just know, and it
just works. And, man, if that happens to
you, I'm so happy for you. I'm so
happy for you. That's wonderful.
The rest of us, we're gonna have to
work through our own shit. The person we're
trying to talk to is gonna have to
work through their own
idiosyncrasies and insecurities to come together to go,
hey, by the way, I like this kink.
Do you like this kink? Can we do
this kink together? Like,
yeah. And that's a time thing. Mhmm. You
know?
Yeah. And then you add layers of, like,
frenzy
to it.
We were talking about that, what, in last
last week's episode.
We focus on sub frenzy because of the
danger typically to
as a submissive can put themselves in unintentionally.
But frenzy is frenzy, and it will make
it will cause you to make some decisions
you would not make otherwise.
You will say yes to a partner that
in other moments, you'd be like, what was
I even thinking?
And, again, that's where that complexity comes in
because what we're trying to do with one
another when we get kinky,
you know, even if you're not trying to
play with pain, you're just trying to play
with sensation, you're just trying to try new
things out, there is an inherent risk to
all of it,
mental,
emotional, physical,
that does have to be navigated. But the
the
and I keep seeing these in the comments
on the script. Where do I be the
top? Where do I be the top? Like,
just
go where you like to be with people.
That can be a non kink space or,
like, can be a kink space. I'm always
gonna be in favor, I think, of kink
spaces.
Mhmm. Because
if you
have, like, a name you make up or
a handle that you use and you aren't
showing your face if that's not a thing
you're comfortable with, You could just, like, put
it out there. You know? Yeah. And there's
none of this later going back of, oh,
and now I have to tell the person
or,
oh, how do I bring this up delicately?
Well, we're on FetLife where half of everybody
here is naked. So
Yeah. You know, there's
it's it's just there's a layer of comfort
to me personally.
But, ultimately, you have to go where you're
comfortable.
That's true.
You know, I just I just want
somebody mentioned ICQ earlier.
Yeah. I I remember ICQ
all too well. All too well. Had had
a lot of fun on there.
You know, just to mention a few other
places,
didn't think about quite in the beginning,
but, you know, Twitch
is another place. They have a lot of
groups
on there. Mhmm. Mhmm.
Kick, k I k. Yes. That, for a
long time, was very popular with Kinksters. That
has been very popular with Kinksters.
A lot of groups on there. Yes. You
have to search them out unless you find
somebody.
I know a few people
on
FET who have started using Telegraph.
Yeah. I believe it is. Telegraph.
Now
the cup the 2 folks that I I
know that run it, they they very tightly
monitor
their telegraph groups. Only a certain number of
people Mhmm. Are allowed in there.
They kinda gatekeep on the men.
You you know? You know? And It's not
all of you, but it's enough of you.
Right. Good lord. You know, you in order
to get in, you have to be
a little bit of a vetting process to
go through to get on their Yeah. On
their telegraph server.
You know, they they don't just want anybody
Mhmm. In there.
You you know, going another level, you know,
Kayla talked about making up a username for
your for your online, you know, and and
that is an important thing. It does give
you a a little bit of safety in
all this.
But, you know, again, it was mentioned in
in chat. I think Rara brought it up.
You know, eventually, you're gonna have to to
give somebody your real name. Yes. You know?
And and that is a matter of of
building trust, you know, with talking with this
person.
I I know what I did with with
with Kayla here, when we started talking and
and once I started, you know, feeling comfortable
and built enough trust, I gave her links
to to all my social media site, you
know, Fetla or not Fetlife,
but,
Facebook,
actually, you know, different different places.
Telegram. Okay. Yes. Sorry. Not not tell Telegraph
is a thing. I was like, wow. They're
using that. Telegram.
Okay. Okay.
But, you know, yeah, there there's going to
come a point
that, you know, you you do have to
say, you know, I'm you know, this is
my real name. I'm I'm so and so.
Right. Yeah. There yes. Absolutely. And, you know,
when when we got to that point, like
I said, I I I gave Kayla my,
you know, link to my my Vanilla
Facebook, and I even, you know, gave her
my my full given name and told her
to do a background check. And that was
all I needed. It was so sweet when
he gave me his Facebook because I had
already found his Facebook. It's linked in.
A couple other things that were, like, real
obscure, but I was like, don't worry. I
know how this works.
You know? And I'll I'll say I I
agree
with completely JB. Another thing to mention for
places you can meet kinky people online, Discord.
Mhmm. Most of the groups I've heard about
well, I think we talked about it in
a past couple
episodes, through this series. They will have a
vetting process. You'll have to know somebody who
knows somebody. You know?
That can be frustrating when you're new and
you don't quite know anybody yet and you're
trying to find your way through, but it
really is meant to be
to the benefit of the community.
Because when just anybody can get in,
then anybody gets in. And that's not meant
to be a, oh, you're not like us,
you can't be in, but it's more like
a, are you a safe ish person?
Like or are you gonna come in and
wreak havoc and make people uncomfortable
and kill this community? Right?
Like, vetting process,
or are you pretending to be something because
you're trying to get dirt on somebody? Like,
there's all kinds of reasons to vet
kink spaces before being able to be allowed
in. So while that can be a little
frustrating
and, you know, you might feel impatient about
it,
there is a reason for it and just
keep looking until, you know, you find a
connection and can maybe get into that group
or another group or whatever.
But,
it happened again.
Know what's happening to both of us. I
think it's a drop in barometric pressure from
the oncoming storm. With that. Let's go
with that.
Sounds good.
Probably, you know, no scientific basis for it,
but, you know, it sounds good at the
moment. This is one of the times I
wish we did a script. But if I
did a script,
oh, y'all, if you wanna know how I
sound on the script, go back to episode
1.
I had there was a point I was
gonna make.
I think I remember I think this was
the point I was trying to make. It's
a point I wanna make, so here we
go.
Yes. Eventually, you have to give somebody
your real name Mhmm. If you're trying to
have a long term especially power exchange. You're
trying to develop a relationship with this person.
Yeah. I would like you to listen
to that internal voice if you
keep hesitating.
Yes. Sometimes
that's your own fears getting in the way,
but
I think more often than not, that's a
little voice going something ain't right here.
And even if everything really is okay
with that person and the and there's
and your instincts were a little off,
your instincts are still trying to say, I
don't feel safe enough yet.
Mhmm. Right? I we need to honor that
voice because Right. Too often we ignore that
voice, and and then something goes wrong. Sometimes
it's
a innocent go wrong, and sometimes it's not.
So, yes, eventually, you just have to say
this is who I am. That does not
mean you have to give them your, like,
driver's license number, Social Security number, and address,
but you wanna tell them your real name
eventually. Because I we're the first people to
tell people, especially submissives, if you're, like,
trying to meet up with somebody and and
negotiate a power exchange relationship and that supposed
dom will not tell you their name,
fucking run. Like, what else are they hiding?
Mhmm. But
if there's something within you that holds you
back,
that's information to to pay attention to. Either
means you're just not ready yet,
they haven't done enough of what you need
to feel comfortable,
or you're picking up on something, and this
is not the right person to give that
information
to. So
there's a balance between
sometimes taking a leap of faith and doing
a thing that scares you slightly Mhmm.
Versus
ignoring
your own internal voice screaming at you that
something's wrong. And you won't always get that
right, and that that hopefully, that's okay. Like,
that that's just the nature of it.
But
don't you know, if the if that's coming
up for you and you're like, nope. Nope.
I don't feel comfortable
telling them where I am or who I
am.
Pay attention to that. There's something there.
Even if it's
your own anxiousness, that's still important information.
So
yeah,
there's been a little bit of,
chat about, you know,
getting to know somebody before you date versus
not.
And I am I am fully in the
camp of I can't I can't do anything
with anybody that I hadn't I think, like,
silence has at least had a cup of
coffee with it. Mhmm. I'm personally just not
wired that way. If you are wired
to just go,
I pick you out from across the room
and you look interesting, sure. Let's try this.
Great. It's still the whole where to find
them still all applies to
you. I I do still think though when
we're especially talking about power exchange because that's
what we talk about. Mhmm. And that can
be different from other
more casual things.
They still need to be somebody you want
to be around. Yeah. And power exchange, one
of you is gonna be the dom, one
of you is gonna be the sub. If
your switch is you're gonna go back and
forth. You're gonna be whatever. But
but at some point,
one person here is going to hand over
power and control to another human being,
which means that person with power and control
now is responsible
for the safety and well-being of their partner.
And if you don't really like them,
what are we doing?
Like, why are we negotiating a whole ass
relationship where even if you don't live together
and you don't see each other every day,
but you are an integral
part of each other's lives on some level
because that's how power exchange fucking works.
Why? Why are we doing it with somebody
we don't like? Yeah. I know the answer
is usually desperation and you convince yourself you're
never gonna get to do this with anybody
else and this one is your only chance.
They are never your only chance.
They might be your most convenient,
but that don't make them the right choice.
Okay?
Yeah. So
yeah.
So I I I just wanna add one
one more caveat Mhmm. To this.
When it comes
to, meeting somebody online Mhmm. And and I
think I'd pretty safely say even with a
dating app Mhmm.
When you go to meet somebody for the
first time that you met online, set up
a safe call.
Yes. We have talked about that before, but
it's always worth talking about it. We we
have talked about that numerous times before.
I I think that's something that always bears,
a reminder.
You know,
set up a a safe call. You you're
going to meet somebody
that you have never met in person, you've
only talked with online,
you know, have a friend
that, you know, okay, I'm gonna meet this
person, meeting at 2 o'clock,
you know.
I'll be at this location.
This is where we're gonna be,
you know,
in an hour, I'll reach out to you
and let you know. Right. You know, but
have that have that have some kind of
of
safety.
Somebody needs to be checking up on you.
Right. I know where the fuck you are.
Right. Thank you. Ideally with who you are
with. Mhmm. Right? So again, you don't have
to give away somebody's, like, super secret information,
but you they should know you should be
like, this is the person I'm going to
be with, first name, last name. That's all
they need to know. Mhmm. Unless, like,
you've got proof now quite frankly, and I
know JB did it or would have done
it.
I think you did it. First time we
got together, it's like, tell somebody who you're
with. Give them my information. And he was
like, here's all the information you can give
them. His name, his address, like,
stuff about him.
If you don't if you were not given
that kind of go ahead or you have
that conversation and they're like, because people have
their own sense of privacy and, like, it's
gotta be respected.
Minimum, their their actual legal change. Ask for
it. I I
just gave it to her. Right. But, I
mean, in that conversation, we were talking about
how make sure somebody knows I'm coming and
then I will be here with you. Mhmm.
And this is what you know, here, tell
them this. Right? Yes. Yes. Yes.
That's another sometimes it's a good test of,
is this a person I should even be
meeting up with? Because,
again, nobody has you know, is obligated to
just go, here's where I live and here's
my driver's license number. But their first and
last name
should be it should be okay for you
to tell your most trusted friend Yeah. Who
you're gonna be with and what their name
is. And when somebody shies away from even
that,
y'all ain't ready to meet you yet. You
you you you you better be questioning this.
Might have a reason for that.
I'm still looking giving a side eye, but
I I contend there could I admit, there
could be a reason. That means you're not
ready.
Because if you don't feel like you could
trust somebody with your your name,
what are we doing? What are we doing?
Because if something happens,
they need the the person who's the safe
caller who's watching you on their Life's 360
or however it's being done in 2024,
needs to know who who you're looking for.
They know your they know their friend's name.
They need to know the old person's name.
That's bare that's bare minimum, y'all. That's bare
minimum to
me. You know, that that's a good point.
Something like Life 360, you you know,
you can even take it one step further
and, you know,
share that with your with a friend. Mhmm.
You know? So that way, they can see
where you are at at any given time.
Yep.
So
Yep.
So
yeah. I you know,
where to meet? Wherever people are. Yeah. I
think if you're struggling with, I don't know
where to go to meet, because sometimes the
the options are just overwhelming. I think the
first question you ask yourself is, do I
wanna stay in non kink spaces?
Do I want to go where I can
be completely open about my kinks? Those are
kink spaces.
Or those
are specific types of dating apps that are,
like, open to that stuff. I don't know
enough about the the dating apps to know
if the, like, the major players
are okay with that kind of stuff. Anybody
who would like to chime in that uses
things like Tinder and all those others, feel
free.
But, like,
shout out to the sponsor this week. Mhmm.
Floor is one that it's not kink focused,
but they put it out there. They are
kink aware. They are they welcome kink sters
to come in. They limit what
kind of stuff you can post and put
out there, but they do that for everybody.
That's just not a kink thing. That's everybody
thing. Right? You can't just be posting noods
left, right, and center. If you want that
kind of freedom, you go to spaces
where you can do that kind of thing.
Mhmm. And that's okay too. But that's the
first question to ask yourself is,
do I wanna be real open with my
kinks? Do I wanna kinda keep that close
and personal for a while?
You can keep your kinks close and personal
to you in kink spaces too, but it's
just it's real it's much easier
to just be out there and put it
out there when you're in a kink space.
So,
yeah, it's it's
not, it's simple and it's complex at the
same time. At the same time. It just
you know, I think they call that life.
I think everything
everything we do
is simple and complex, and I find that
frustrating.
I would like things to be simple and
just give me, like, a 3 point checklist,
and I'll just do things, and I'll get
what I want. Unfortunately,
it just
doesn't
doesn't work that way
necessarily.
So
there's always more to say about this topic.
I have linked in the places to where
we have talked about things that are adjacent
to this topic.
We have an very old episode, episode 23
Mhmm. About,
finding
a kinky partner.
God. I would hesitate to go listen to
that now. How outdated is that 23. We
we were still
it was probably 2016.
Yeah. That's a long time ago.
That's probably quite outdated.
We've got some stuff on vetting a potential
partner. Vetting a partner is I think some
younger people might consider it a little old
fashioned in the kink world, but I think
it's still relevant because people can say that
they're anything
and that they do whatever and they who
they are whoever they are, they can just
make shit up. That is true. Everywhere.
Yeah.
But when they wanna try and, like, give
themselves some street cred and start naming a
munch they go to, well, go fucking check
that shit out. You know?
Mhmm. Mhmm. Because you depending on how you're
what you're doing, you are potentially putting your
life in somebody's actual fucking hands.
So
vetting is a thing. Yep. And then
couple other we don't talk about this part
as much as we talk about, like, communication
and consent and the
nuances of living your power exchange.
But this is the the question that the
the newest kinksters tend to, like, have top
of mind.
Where do I find a dom? Where do
I find a dom?
So Yep.
Yeah. Okay. K.
Thanks once more to Fluor for sponsoring Yes.
This episode. If you are looking to meet
a partner, whether you're,
monogamous or non monogamous,
check them out. It's free to
download.
See if it's your vibe. Link is in
the places. Mhmm. Okay. K. So,
are we good? I don't know.
Tardy.
Yes? Can I talk to the king? Nope.
The crickets, please.
Yes. What the fuck you said?
Ow. It'll hurt your self. See, I dropped
my silverware and bumped my head. You laugh
and bump your head.
We're peas in a pod. That's what we
are.
So what was that about? What was what
about? The pause.
I just felt like You just felt like
Pausing. The anticipation? Yeah. Yeah. Because I wait
for you to start to inhale, and then
I inhale real quick, and then we spit
it out together. This was way easier when
we were sitting
in the closet together,
huddled around a singular little microphone,
and we we needed to get out of
that fucking closet. We were sweating our asses
off, and there was no hesitation. It was
just a quick inhale and keep it kinky.
But see, it's the
antici
I knew that was coming. Patient. Yes. I
knew that was coming.
And in case you asked about the LB
anniversary,
that was actually mid August. And we missed
it. We we missed it ourselves. So
yeah. Yeah.
So
bonus section. Yeah.
We're not in the path of the storm.
No. But
Florida,
as an entirety,
is
technically going to be affected and feel the
effects of land. This morning, I woke up
and I opened up my the radar app
that I use,
and
the storm was still
on the south tip of Cuba
and not quite in the Gulf.
It's in the Gulf now, but,
even at that point this morning at at
6 AM this morning, the entire state of
Florida was highlighted red.
So Yeah. And it's still early enough that
it could wobble and Yeah. Like, we think
it's going up to the Big Bend. Much
more Big Bend. Yeah. They They got left
alone for a for a while, and now
they're getting all of them. Yeah.
This will be the second time this year.
Mhmm. Yeah. If you look if you're like
the Big Bend, if you look at us
the,
a picture of the state of Florida,
there's the Panhandle and then there's Peninsula.
Okay? Right? As where those 2 kind of
intersect, there's this bendy part. It looks like
a little It's a curve. It's a curve.
There's several curves in Florida, but it's it's
a little that's Big Bend. And you'll see
it and you go, oh, yeah. I see
what they're trying out because it's where
that's where the state bends.
And there, it's typically kinda rural area. Yes.
It is. It's I mean, they've yeah. They
got beach and stuff, but they're it's not
like Panama City Beach is close to them,
but not right there.
But yeah.
Yep. Is
is Perry considered in the Big Bend area?
Kind of. Kind sort of adjacent to? Yeah.
Perry
is a place for us that we just
drive through.
As a kid, I noticed this I don't
notice this as an adult. Maybe my sense
of smell has, like, died or something has
changed in Perry. The chicken? The chicken smell.
Yep.
Yep. Oh, was it chicken farms or was
it chicken processing? I I am not sure.
I think it's farms. Okay. I think it's
farms. But,
but yeah.
Miss mister Spok said, seems like the storms
are targeting Tallahassee this year. I might be
down for that. I do feel
like if that's accurate, I mean It's apropos.
May maybe mother nature is has got some
strong opinions Right. About the governance of Florida.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
So, yeah, we we've gotta go pick up
some stuff outside of our old house. Some
lawn. You don't want things to become missiles?
No. No. Kind of You're gonna pull the
cars around to our backyard. We everybody on
the street is, like, shocked by what we
do, but then when we explain, they're like,
oh, that makes total sense, but nobody else
does it. We have a giant tree. We
have several Yes. Giant trees in our front
yard. We have a giant one that's right
over the driveway where we park, which is
great in the summer, because it keeps your
car as cool as is humanly possible in
fucking summer.
But in storms,
we're like, we would like to still have
2 functioning cars at the end of the
storm. You know, the the trees are
healthy. Mhmm.
They have been they are maintained.
Right.
But there is still always a branch or
2 that comes down.
So, you know, yeah, I I park the
cars in the backyard
and,
you know, I
see it too often around here that,
you know, there are a lot of big
trees in this area. Old old growth of
the county. You know, old old growth oaks.
Mhmm. And, the amount of people I see
leaving cars parked under these trees and then
drive by after a storm,
you know, and I know.
It it's like,
And and they have space they can move
their car to. Like, sometimes you don't have
a choice. Right. Wherever you park, you're under
a tree. But sometimes you do have a
choice. And
the the one that I remember always,
and I it was a bad storm. It
wasn't a hurricane or a tropical storm. That
was a it's a bad storm with a
lot of lightning. It's when we lived in
the rental, and we ended up driving through
the neighborhood right after a big storm.
And these these folks had a, like, a
circular driveway, and they had, like, 3 or
4 cars in their driveway. You know, they
had teenage drivers, blah blah blah, work truck.
And their big tree came down from was
it a lightning strike that did it, or
did it just blow over? It was a
lightning strike. Lightning strike. Fidel. And it took
out, like, 2 of their cars. Mhmm. And
insurance, I'm not sure how quickly or not
that was moving or the the ability to
remove things because
for a few days, every time you drove
by, all the other cars had been moved.
But here were these
crunched Yeah. Cars. Like, you can't remember what
for the insurance.
You know?
But,
mister Spak asked if the oldest is good
at school
or bringing him home, he he's
gonna stay at school. Mhmm. If
if he was in a more direct path,
I would strongly encourage him to come home.
It was more of a, do you wanna
hunker down there, or you wanna hunker down
here? He was and I know he look.
He's got his computer.
Yeah. He's got
his instruments. He's got
Yeah. He's got his space
and His Xbox?
Yeah. And there's no
material difference
geographically
between being here, being there. Yeah. And the
thing I was all like,
I was born and raised on these things,
and the consideration that I still struggle with
that's why this is JB's job because he's
the one in charge. When you know that
a big storm is coming at you is
do you stay or do you go? Because
the problem with going
is that your property, your home, your everything
might be fine, but you might not be
able to get back in. Yeah. And so
it's this, like, you gotta weigh it kinda
thing. When we left for what was her
that storm's name when we lived in Tarpon?
Iris?
Was it I thought it was an I
storm. It was an I. Irma? Irma? Irma.
Irma.
You know, we had a place to go
and
could it was the summer, so the kids
weren't even in school. We had the luxury
of just taking our damn time. So, you
know, if streets did get clogged up or
trees down and you couldn't get down the
highway, we didn't have to worry about it.
We could stay where we were Right. Long
enough that it was the biggest deal was
that we had to replace all our groceries.
And we were and we were lucky, you
know, in one way. Yeah. We had to
replace the groceries, but,
you know, we would have been without power
for a little over a week. Yeah. So
we we missed all of that. Mhmm.
If
but that was when I could stay with
my mom. That is not an option anymore.
And so it's you know? And the our
closest relative is in the same fucking county.
So Yeah.
You know, we don't have the same kinds
of options. If we left town and got
a hotel, then it's how long can you
afford to stay here, and can you even
get back home? So it that's always been
a tricky one to me about trying to
decide. Yeah.
So Yep.
You know, I do personally have my own
and you do too. And, again, you're the
one in charge. So if JB goes, we're
going, I go, okay.
Unless I have strong feelings otherwise, and then
I argue my point, and then he goes,
we're going. And I go, okay.
My personal threshold has always been a 4
or 5.
Mhmm.
I think these days, because climate change is
kicking all our asses, a cat 3 would
probably
Be the would I would be I would
be thinking really hard about it. It'd be
that weighing of
where are you located? Should I shoot you?
And where can you go?
And how quickly can you get out? This
storm, I know,
dude on Instagram,
weather weather mic or whatever he's called,
he said in a reel that I saw
that he's been watching this thing for a
few days, and he probably has. He's a
weather guy. I think in another life, JB
would be a weather guy on Instagram as
well,
because he just likes it so much.
But from from my perspective, this one feels
like it came up really fast. Yes. And
there also comes a point when you're evacuating
that there's, like, this window, and if you
wait too long, you're just sitting
on the interstate or the highway
as the storm comes because if traffic gets
backed up depending on how that evacuation goes.
So that ends up being another layer of
Right. Do not only do we go, but
when the fuck do we go? Mhmm.
I you know, it it there's there's a
lot to,
consider.
Mhmm.
You know, even even prior
meeting Kayla, the house that I had,
was a solid brick house. Mhmm.
I felt very comfortable there.
When
we were in the condo,
that was, stick construction Mhmm. Which was why
when Irma was coming up the coast, it
was like, nope. We are not staying here.
Yep. Yeah. I'm just grateful we had a
place we could go. Yeah.
And,
you know, even even here, don't feel that,
you know, unease,
because, again, this is a a a brick
construction house,
you know, and,
yeah, you know.
Yeah. I mean, if we lived closer, if
we were still in in Tarpon Mobile, we
would probably still be in the condo if
we were still in Tarpon Springs. Yeah. And,
yeah, we are making way different decisions Right.
Than we have to make now. Mhmm. But
that was part of the
the the real draw to moving here was
the affordability.
Yeah. But one of the considerations was also,
oh, being in the center of the state,
you have a little bit of a buffer
from storms.
It's an imperfect buffer because
the storm is not that little dot you're
following on the weather channel. Okay?
It's all the bands Right. That are also
rotating, y'all. The storm is twisting as it's
moving forward. I can barely,
pat my head and rub my stomach, but
these stars
can move forward and and twist.
And, yeah, it's
this one, I thought I heard online. The
actual not the strength of it, but the
physical size of her Helene is,
I think, one of the top, like, biggest
physical storms, the space it's covering, the the
area it's covering. I I cannot remember the
name of the storm,
but there was at one time, number of
years back,
if if somebody remember that, you know,
please,
let me know.
But the storm was so big,
it covered the entire state.
I think I remember that one, but I
don't remember the name. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The
the the for for a time, I think
for a day, the entire state was was
under
under the storm. Mhmm. You know? And when
I I woke up and I saw Helene
this morning, I was like, oh, that's pretty
darn close. Yeah.
So yeah.
That's a September hurricane. So
Yeah. We we all do what we we
do what we can. Mhmm.
You know, fur babies are doing good. Yeah.
They don't tend to get too freaked out
by storms. No. Lola will sometimes just get
a little closer to one of us, I
guess, for comfort.
But thankfully, she's not the type to get,
like, scared with lightning or thunder. No. No.
No. She's not, thankfully.
The worst worst problem
with,
Lola is gonna be getting her out to
use the bathroom
in the rain. Well, this is a girl
that eventually even she will go out in
the rain. Yeah.
Yep. She'll bite the bullet if it gets
bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And if you put
her, put her harness on her and put
her on a leash, you can walk her
in the rain.
It's not not always in
it's imperfect, but you can at least get
her out there to a Patrick's.
Yeah.
Yeah. Through.
If Onyx gets nervous, she's just gonna go
get into our closet.
In the back. Deepest, darkest corner of the
closet. Oh my gosh. And Witch is actually
one of the safest spaces we could be
in if, like, a like, something bad storm
wise was coming because it's it's central. There's
no windows.
Anyway,
this morning, I didn't tell you.
So
for Onyx, our bedroom
is her space. Because when we first got
her, we kept her in there until she
could kinda get comfortable and Acklemon. Yeah. And
so it's always to her just been her
space. Over the past couple years, she's sort
of begrudgingly
gotten kind of okay with Ella being in
the room
while she's in the room. It started off
that Ella could be on the floor, she
could not be on the bed.
She could go into our bathroom because we
had a a litter box there. We currently
do not, and we think we kind of
like that.
You know, and it's it's been this gradual,
like, whatever. But there's one spot in the
bedroom Ella is still not allowed. Oh, and
I'm wondering if it's the same spot I
saw today. What are you gonna say? Closet.
Yes. Because this morning,
Ella comes in. She's all over the place.
She's doing her thing. She goes she barely
walks into the closet.
Onyx, like, a streak of black lightning, boom,
heads her off and bap, bap, baps her
away until Ella gets her little ass out
of the closet. Yep.
Yep. Damn. I mean, yeah. Damn. She she
can she can go come into the bedroom.
She's allowed on the bed now. She can
get go into our bathroom.
But hot damn, he is not allowed in
that closet. Mhmm. That closet is her damn
space.
Yep.
So
there's a conversation going on in the live
chat that I just I just wanna add
my 2¢ to. So there's conversation about cars
and makes of cars and blah blah blah
blah. And and folks were talking about Toyota.
We both have Toyotas both paid for. We're
not getting a new car right now. We
don't want a car note. We like having
paid for vehicles. Both are Toyotas. Both are
kinda old.
Why? For anybody who's like, is Toyota worth
the money? Because they are more expensive. And
I that's another reason we're not getting a
new car anytime soon. I know I want
a Toyota.
I don't wanna pay the those prices right
now.
My car is a 2012, has a 104,000
miles on it. Mhmm. Partly because I barely
have been driving it for the past few
years. JB's is a 2009
RAV 4. I have a Corolla.
JB's is a RAV 4.
2009, it has a 100 and what,000? A
176,000.
And we knock on wood,
as long as we maintain it, it it's
it's okay. I don't wanna say anything too
glowing about it because that's the moment your
car doesn't start in the morning.
Yeah. Yeah. That'll do it. So I'm not
giving it too much praise. I'm just saying
whenever the day comes again
Mhmm. Mhmm. It will be a Toyota.
So
but yeah.
Okay. I missed that. Tayshia said if it
gets too crazy, we can call an emergency
virtual munch and hang out with them.
You know, there's a part of me that
wants to just, like, hunker down on the
couch tonight, but it's it's a thought if
we have lights and Internet. Right.
So, yeah, that's us. Mhmm. This is weird.
For podcast listeners, it don't matter to you.
You're listening to it whenever. Yeah. But for
recording, we're not recording in the evening like
we usually do. We're recording in the Or
in the middle of the day. Right. It's
like mid afternoon. Yeah.
And it
feels strange. It does.
It does. It feels strange.
And now we should probably stop, pause, take
a 5 minute break because then we have
to a video to record and a podcast
episode to record. Yep. So we should probably
go do that. Yep. And a storm to
prepare for. Also that we have to take
out the projectile.
Yeah.
Objects and and projectile missiles.
What's the word? What's the phrase I'm looking
for? There's a phrase I'm looking for. Those
things, we gotta get them out of the
fucking yard before they hit somebody. Yeah.
Where they're wimps. Before they can do before
they can do some damage. Right there. Okay.
Okay. So we're gonna go. Yep. Thanks for
being here with us, especially to the bitter
end. Yep.
If you are like us and in the
potential kind of or direct path of the
storm, please be safe. Take care of yourself.
Please do. Don't stand under a tree in
a lightning storm. Nope.
Okay. We're gonna go. Mhmm. Okay. Alright. Bye.
Bye.