1 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:13,314 You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla 2 00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:15,175 Lords here with the one, the only, 3 00:00:15,634 --> 00:00:17,154 the guy who looks really cute in his 4 00:00:17,154 --> 00:00:18,754 little t shirt that y'all can't see because 5 00:00:18,754 --> 00:00:20,535 this is a podcast, John Brownstone. 6 00:00:21,394 --> 00:00:22,695 Thank you. You're welcome. 7 00:00:24,914 --> 00:00:26,695 It's your Trans Siberian Orchestra 8 00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:30,500 shirt. It is. I'm dreaming of cooler weather. 9 00:00:31,279 --> 00:00:33,679 Yeah. The tickets for TSO went on presale 10 00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:35,280 I know. This week, and I had to 11 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,199 just let that email go. I know. I 12 00:00:37,199 --> 00:00:39,519 know. I know. That's okay, though. You went. 13 00:00:39,519 --> 00:00:41,439 We'll go again. And you look adorable in 14 00:00:41,439 --> 00:00:43,039 your t shirt. Thank you. That's not at 15 00:00:43,039 --> 00:00:43,664 all what we're here 16 00:00:45,664 --> 00:00:45,825 to talk about. No. No. This week, we're 17 00:00:45,825 --> 00:00:48,225 answering a question from a dom slash top 18 00:00:48,225 --> 00:00:50,784 who's figured out that they're kinky and they've 19 00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:53,185 kind of introduced some kink into their relationship 20 00:00:53,185 --> 00:00:54,405 and that's going well, 21 00:00:54,704 --> 00:00:57,265 but they're thinking in terms of power exchange 22 00:00:57,265 --> 00:00:58,770 and their partner is 23 00:00:59,170 --> 00:00:59,670 not. 24 00:01:00,929 --> 00:01:02,929 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're 25 00:01:02,929 --> 00:01:04,530 new here, we hope kinksters like you have 26 00:01:04,530 --> 00:01:07,010 happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast 27 00:01:07,010 --> 00:01:08,530 to your favorite podcast app so you never 28 00:01:08,530 --> 00:01:10,290 miss an episode. And if you'd like us 29 00:01:10,290 --> 00:01:12,209 to answer a question that you have in 30 00:01:12,209 --> 00:01:14,209 a future one of these, you can use 31 00:01:14,209 --> 00:01:14,709 the 32 00:01:15,064 --> 00:01:16,765 link, in the show notes, 33 00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:19,944 on this podcast app thingy or on our 34 00:01:19,944 --> 00:01:21,325 website, which is lovingbdsm.net. 35 00:01:22,984 --> 00:01:23,725 That's lovingbdsm.net. 36 00:01:24,905 --> 00:01:27,064 And it's the contact page is literally called 37 00:01:27,064 --> 00:01:28,984 ask your questions. Like, we're trying to make 38 00:01:28,984 --> 00:01:31,420 it, like, easy to find. But, yeah, submit 39 00:01:31,420 --> 00:01:33,260 a question. It'll go to our email inbox, 40 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,819 and at some point, it could be an 41 00:01:35,819 --> 00:01:36,319 episode. 42 00:01:36,939 --> 00:01:37,439 Yay. 43 00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:40,159 Okay. Let's get straight into the question. 44 00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:42,060 My wife and I have been married for 45 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,219 almost 20 years. We have a great relationship 46 00:01:44,219 --> 00:01:46,424 and are excellent partners. The only issue had 47 00:01:46,424 --> 00:01:48,104 been that up until recently, we were in 48 00:01:48,104 --> 00:01:49,244 a sexless marriage. 49 00:01:49,625 --> 00:01:51,384 I went down a rabbit hole about sexless 50 00:01:51,384 --> 00:01:53,144 marriage, which led me to an even deeper 51 00:01:53,144 --> 00:01:54,765 rabbit hole about kink and BDSM. 52 00:01:55,224 --> 00:01:56,825 I realized that's what I wanted and thought 53 00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:58,504 it might help. She came back from a 54 00:01:58,504 --> 00:01:59,864 trip and I told her I was taking 55 00:01:59,864 --> 00:02:01,450 charge in the bedroom and that things were 56 00:02:01,450 --> 00:02:02,030 going to 57 00:02:02,409 --> 00:02:05,069 change. She happily and willingly agreed and effectively 58 00:02:05,210 --> 00:02:07,130 submitted to me. Things have been really great 59 00:02:07,130 --> 00:02:10,110 in that department since then. Unfortunately, I foolishly 60 00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:12,169 and prematurely blurted out that I want a 61 00:02:12,169 --> 00:02:14,729 DS dynamic. She didn't get mad or weirded 62 00:02:14,729 --> 00:02:16,575 out but simply said I'm not open to 63 00:02:16,575 --> 00:02:18,575 that. I dropped it. I was embarrassed and 64 00:02:18,575 --> 00:02:19,314 felt foolish. 65 00:02:19,775 --> 00:02:21,375 I know that no means no and that 66 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:23,715 someone who isn't into kink can't be changed. 67 00:02:23,775 --> 00:02:25,615 That being said, we did a sex menu 68 00:02:25,615 --> 00:02:28,014 and are almost completely on the same page. 69 00:02:28,014 --> 00:02:30,495 She's actually a little kinkier than me. She 70 00:02:30,495 --> 00:02:32,310 seems perfectly willing to be submissive in the 71 00:02:32,310 --> 00:02:34,330 bedroom and sometimes out of the bedroom. 72 00:02:34,629 --> 00:02:36,389 I'm afraid that her idea of submission is 73 00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:39,270 the Handmaid's Tale or Trad wife. She's a 74 00:02:39,270 --> 00:02:41,030 feminist and I think she finds the concept 75 00:02:41,030 --> 00:02:42,330 of submission distasteful. 76 00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:44,949 My question is, as long as she consents, 77 00:02:44,949 --> 00:02:46,229 and I would never ask her to do 78 00:02:46,229 --> 00:02:49,014 something she wasn't comfortable with, should I continue 79 00:02:49,014 --> 00:02:51,895 to gradually add BDSM concepts, role playing, and 80 00:02:51,895 --> 00:02:54,375 kink to our lives and revisit the discussion 81 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,215 in a year or so? I wanna ask 82 00:02:56,215 --> 00:02:57,655 her to do her own research, but I 83 00:02:57,655 --> 00:02:59,254 don't want to seem pushy about it right 84 00:02:59,254 --> 00:03:01,254 now. Is it okay to just enjoy the 85 00:03:01,254 --> 00:03:02,665 dynamic without putting a name to it and 86 00:03:02,665 --> 00:03:03,903 hope that she'll open up to the idea? 87 00:03:03,903 --> 00:03:05,289 Does that just make me a manipulative asshole? 88 00:03:05,289 --> 00:03:06,209 Wow. Yeah. Wow. It it all, as always, 89 00:03:06,209 --> 00:03:06,709 depends. 90 00:03:08,769 --> 00:03:09,269 Mhmm. 91 00:03:10,849 --> 00:03:11,829 I need a graphic. 92 00:03:16,314 --> 00:03:19,275 Depends. Yeah. Yep. You know, or Venn diagram 93 00:03:19,275 --> 00:03:20,414 with all the overlaps. 94 00:03:20,715 --> 00:03:23,834 Gosh. Yeah. So, you know, that's that's tough. 95 00:03:23,834 --> 00:03:26,014 I I I feel for that situation. 96 00:03:27,354 --> 00:03:28,014 You know, 97 00:03:28,469 --> 00:03:31,129 one person wanting it and the other not. 98 00:03:32,709 --> 00:03:34,469 I guess on the one good side, you've 99 00:03:34,469 --> 00:03:35,449 got it in the bedroom. 100 00:03:35,909 --> 00:03:37,909 Right, you're doing the kinky thing, you're just 101 00:03:37,909 --> 00:03:40,330 not calling it the kinky thing. Right. 102 00:03:41,110 --> 00:03:41,849 You know, 103 00:03:42,574 --> 00:03:44,735 I I think something you said in in 104 00:03:44,735 --> 00:03:46,354 your question is absolutely right. 105 00:03:46,735 --> 00:03:49,155 You know, don't worry about names and labels, 106 00:03:49,375 --> 00:03:51,694 and just enjoy what you do, what you 107 00:03:51,694 --> 00:03:52,194 have. 108 00:03:52,495 --> 00:03:54,655 My take on it, I'm gonna I'm gonna 109 00:03:54,655 --> 00:03:56,094 use an old cliche, you can lead a 110 00:03:56,094 --> 00:03:57,534 horse to water, but you can't make them 111 00:03:57,534 --> 00:03:57,990 drink. 112 00:03:58,550 --> 00:03:59,930 Sure. Obviously. Okay? 113 00:04:00,469 --> 00:04:03,530 So, you know, sometimes the more you push, 114 00:04:03,909 --> 00:04:04,310 the more 115 00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:07,110 Resistance. Resist thank you. Thank you. The more 116 00:04:07,110 --> 00:04:07,610 resistance 117 00:04:08,230 --> 00:04:08,969 they become. 118 00:04:09,909 --> 00:04:11,849 One thing that I I would suggest 119 00:04:12,705 --> 00:04:14,485 is enjoy what you do in the bedroom. 120 00:04:14,705 --> 00:04:16,324 Maybe add little elements 121 00:04:16,705 --> 00:04:19,345 in the bedroom. Mhmm. And and you never 122 00:04:19,345 --> 00:04:21,745 know, as as your wife begins to relax 123 00:04:21,745 --> 00:04:23,285 into it and enjoy it, hopefully, 124 00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:26,759 you know, she may want to broaden out 125 00:04:26,759 --> 00:04:28,360 at that point. Mhmm. You know, there were 126 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:30,439 certain things that you had that you would 127 00:04:30,439 --> 00:04:32,919 not do in the beginning, but as our 128 00:04:32,919 --> 00:04:34,919 relationship matured and and, 129 00:04:35,879 --> 00:04:38,459 you know, we we kinda gotten more trust 130 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,045 with each other, You opened up to other 131 00:04:41,045 --> 00:04:43,305 things that Sure. In the past were not 132 00:04:43,605 --> 00:04:45,685 something you wanted to do. And I think 133 00:04:45,685 --> 00:04:47,764 it's you know, there's two sides to that 134 00:04:47,764 --> 00:04:48,585 that, yes, 135 00:04:48,965 --> 00:04:51,685 it took a while for me to trust 136 00:04:51,685 --> 00:04:53,720 and to learn about Kinkin so then I 137 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,319 did things. In this case, you're talking about 138 00:04:55,319 --> 00:04:57,319 a 20 year relationship. So True. She's got 139 00:04:57,319 --> 00:04:59,419 20 years of experience with you, 140 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:00,300 and 141 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:02,680 that means that there are the memories of 142 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,860 everything that's gone right and gone wrong. 143 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:07,319 And so you're not you're earning trust and 144 00:05:07,319 --> 00:05:10,045 you're maintaining trust, but from a different direction 145 00:05:10,585 --> 00:05:12,285 of having to sort of show, 146 00:05:13,384 --> 00:05:15,305 whatever she might need to feel more comfortable. 147 00:05:15,305 --> 00:05:17,625 And that still won't guarantee that she wants 148 00:05:17,625 --> 00:05:19,800 to have a power exchange or ever call 149 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:20,540 what y'all 150 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:22,139 do power exchange. 151 00:05:22,519 --> 00:05:24,279 It just means that the the trust that 152 00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:25,879 has to be built and the knowledge that 153 00:05:25,879 --> 00:05:28,120 has to be gained is coming from sort 154 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:31,579 of that opposite direction of not necessarily learning 155 00:05:33,555 --> 00:05:36,535 more about a partner, but unlearning how things 156 00:05:36,754 --> 00:05:40,194 once were. Mhmm. That's true. Believing that they 157 00:05:40,194 --> 00:05:42,514 won't go back to whatever they once were. 158 00:05:42,514 --> 00:05:44,194 And that's both partners have to do that. 159 00:05:44,194 --> 00:05:45,754 But True. True. True. You know, that True. 160 00:05:45,875 --> 00:05:47,714 That will make a difference as well. I 161 00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:48,389 want to 162 00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:50,710 I I don't like it to ever go 163 00:05:50,710 --> 00:05:53,610 without saying. I'm too anxious for that. So, 164 00:05:54,470 --> 00:05:56,310 the thing I wanna make sure you're doing, 165 00:05:56,310 --> 00:05:57,270 you know, I 166 00:05:57,750 --> 00:05:58,889 it's kind of like 167 00:05:59,590 --> 00:06:02,650 I don't know. From from a consenting submissive 168 00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:04,154 point of view to tell some you know, 169 00:06:04,154 --> 00:06:05,675 for my partner to go, I'm in charge 170 00:06:05,675 --> 00:06:07,115 now, and this is what we're doing. That 171 00:06:07,115 --> 00:06:09,115 sounds sexy, but from a practical point of 172 00:06:09,115 --> 00:06:09,615 view, 173 00:06:11,194 --> 00:06:12,974 y'all you are communicating. 174 00:06:13,834 --> 00:06:16,074 Correct? Like, it's not just a, hey. Let's 175 00:06:16,074 --> 00:06:18,180 do kink and there's not too much to 176 00:06:18,180 --> 00:06:20,888 talk about. The reason I say that is 177 00:06:20,888 --> 00:06:23,295 because, you know, introducing BDSM concepts and role 178 00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:25,702 play and kinks, how are you introducing that? 179 00:06:25,702 --> 00:06:28,108 Are you just going, you know, I told 180 00:06:28,108 --> 00:06:30,515 you of that time ago that I'm in 181 00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:32,922 charge now, and now we're doing this, or 182 00:06:32,922 --> 00:06:35,985 are y'all actually sitting down and talking about 183 00:06:35,985 --> 00:06:38,645 the kink things you're going to be doing? 184 00:06:38,785 --> 00:06:40,305 The the reason I mean, there's lots of 185 00:06:40,305 --> 00:06:42,564 reasons to to talk about that. 1, communication 186 00:06:42,785 --> 00:06:45,365 is required for consent. But, 2, 187 00:06:45,745 --> 00:06:48,410 it's usually in the process of 188 00:06:48,870 --> 00:06:49,370 negotiating 189 00:06:50,949 --> 00:06:53,589 the fun, the even if it's never called 190 00:06:53,589 --> 00:06:55,910 that, the power exchange. Mhmm. The moment somebody's 191 00:06:55,910 --> 00:06:57,430 the top and somebody's the bottom, somebody's the 192 00:06:57,430 --> 00:06:59,189 dom, somebody's the sub, there's a power exchange 193 00:06:59,189 --> 00:07:01,110 whether you use that language or not. If 194 00:07:01,110 --> 00:07:03,189 somebody's in charge and somebody is not, you 195 00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:04,845 got a power exchange. Yeah. You just don't 196 00:07:04,845 --> 00:07:06,365 have to call it that. But, you know, 197 00:07:06,365 --> 00:07:09,105 it's part of it is in the process 198 00:07:09,485 --> 00:07:09,985 of 199 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,944 figuring out what you're going to do together 200 00:07:13,165 --> 00:07:15,884 and, you know, your wife figuring out her 201 00:07:15,884 --> 00:07:18,045 role in part and you figuring out yours. 202 00:07:18,045 --> 00:07:20,949 And that connection that is forged in the 203 00:07:20,949 --> 00:07:21,449 communication, 204 00:07:22,069 --> 00:07:24,069 that is also where trust can grow and 205 00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:25,850 the willingness to 206 00:07:26,230 --> 00:07:29,129 try new things, to rethink old concepts. 207 00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:32,410 I would not at all be surprised if, 208 00:07:33,430 --> 00:07:35,694 your wife is like, yeah. That don't call 209 00:07:35,694 --> 00:07:38,675 me submissive because that goes against my feminist 210 00:07:38,814 --> 00:07:41,795 ideals. It doesn't have to go against feminist 211 00:07:41,855 --> 00:07:44,814 ideals to be submissive. But for for many 212 00:07:44,814 --> 00:07:45,314 people, 213 00:07:45,935 --> 00:07:48,910 the the two concepts can't coexist together. And 214 00:07:48,910 --> 00:07:50,830 that may be a forever thing and that 215 00:07:50,830 --> 00:07:52,689 may be a for now thing. 216 00:07:53,710 --> 00:07:55,550 The other thing I I agree with you, 217 00:07:55,550 --> 00:07:57,389 just do what y'all do that you enjoy 218 00:07:57,389 --> 00:07:58,770 and don't worry about labels. 219 00:07:59,625 --> 00:08:01,805 The thing to think about from your perspective 220 00:08:02,504 --> 00:08:05,625 is can you live without the label and 221 00:08:05,625 --> 00:08:06,125 the 222 00:08:07,064 --> 00:08:09,464 the the the naming of the dom sub 223 00:08:09,464 --> 00:08:11,870 dynamic? Not whether you know, she's willing to 224 00:08:11,870 --> 00:08:13,470 keep doing kink with you, keep doing what 225 00:08:13,470 --> 00:08:15,250 it feels good for both of you, but 226 00:08:15,310 --> 00:08:17,470 how do you feel about it? If you're 227 00:08:17,470 --> 00:08:19,310 happy that you've got the connection and you're 228 00:08:19,310 --> 00:08:21,229 having a good time and you know, then 229 00:08:21,229 --> 00:08:24,430 it really doesn't matter. I would also say 230 00:08:24,430 --> 00:08:26,189 don't put a time frame on when to 231 00:08:26,189 --> 00:08:28,535 bring a subject back up. There's there's no 232 00:08:28,535 --> 00:08:29,754 there's no deadline 233 00:08:30,055 --> 00:08:32,695 here. You know? You may never bring it 234 00:08:32,695 --> 00:08:35,195 up again. You may find in a natural 235 00:08:35,254 --> 00:08:37,975 organic way that a moment comes up and 236 00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:38,795 you can 237 00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:41,434 reintroduce the concept. 238 00:08:41,870 --> 00:08:44,429 The other thing is and it doesn't have 239 00:08:44,429 --> 00:08:47,490 to be our podcast slash YouTube channel. But 240 00:08:47,949 --> 00:08:50,669 if you come across a resource, a a 241 00:08:50,669 --> 00:08:53,089 video, a an article, or something 242 00:08:53,470 --> 00:08:56,190 that relates to what the 2 of y'all 243 00:08:56,190 --> 00:08:57,329 are already doing, 244 00:08:57,914 --> 00:08:59,434 you don't have to have her go off 245 00:08:59,434 --> 00:09:02,014 and research on her own. Invite her in 246 00:09:02,394 --> 00:09:02,894 to 247 00:09:03,274 --> 00:09:05,115 read the article after you read it. Send 248 00:09:05,115 --> 00:09:07,195 her the link. Say, hey. There's this video 249 00:09:07,195 --> 00:09:08,955 on this topic. You know, that thing we've 250 00:09:08,955 --> 00:09:10,875 been doing? Would you like to watch it 251 00:09:10,875 --> 00:09:12,870 with me? Because that way, 252 00:09:13,509 --> 00:09:15,529 you if she's willing, 253 00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:19,830 you are exposing her to people who talk 254 00:09:19,830 --> 00:09:20,970 about kink 255 00:09:21,350 --> 00:09:23,529 in ways that you would find 256 00:09:23,909 --> 00:09:25,850 informative and healthy and, like, 257 00:09:26,325 --> 00:09:29,545 not a toxic bad thing. Right? Mhmm. So 258 00:09:29,684 --> 00:09:33,945 that can sometimes start conversations Yes. And introduce 259 00:09:34,325 --> 00:09:36,884 a a partner to people who live it 260 00:09:36,884 --> 00:09:38,669 or talk about it in ways that 261 00:09:39,149 --> 00:09:41,789 aren't within whatever their the stereotype is that's 262 00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:43,009 in their head. Right? 263 00:09:44,429 --> 00:09:46,110 That has to be something she's open to. 264 00:09:46,110 --> 00:09:48,829 You cannot force it. No. If you push 265 00:09:48,829 --> 00:09:51,009 or if you create artificial deadlines, 266 00:09:51,789 --> 00:09:53,009 can people be manipulative 267 00:09:53,445 --> 00:09:54,424 assholes without, 268 00:09:54,804 --> 00:09:56,665 like, meaning to? Yeah. 269 00:09:57,045 --> 00:10:00,404 If you're more concerned about getting exactly what 270 00:10:00,404 --> 00:10:02,725 you want to the letter the way you 271 00:10:02,725 --> 00:10:05,384 envision it Mhmm. Than enjoying this thing 272 00:10:05,789 --> 00:10:07,889 naturally and organically with your partner, 273 00:10:08,429 --> 00:10:08,929 then 274 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:10,610 I 275 00:10:11,149 --> 00:10:13,549 yeah. But if you are content with, this 276 00:10:13,549 --> 00:10:15,070 is just a journey, we're on a path, 277 00:10:15,070 --> 00:10:17,089 we're doing a thing that we both enjoy, 278 00:10:17,470 --> 00:10:19,889 we are both fully consenting, and we've negotiated 279 00:10:20,110 --> 00:10:22,595 it, and we know each of us how 280 00:10:22,595 --> 00:10:23,954 how things are going to go and how 281 00:10:23,954 --> 00:10:26,274 to make them stop and, you know, how 282 00:10:26,274 --> 00:10:28,595 to talk about it, then the rest is 283 00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:29,095 fine. 284 00:10:29,634 --> 00:10:31,714 Bring it up if it makes sense to 285 00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:32,615 bring it up, 286 00:10:33,149 --> 00:10:34,750 when it makes sense to bring it up. 287 00:10:34,750 --> 00:10:36,190 Don't put a don't circle a date on 288 00:10:36,190 --> 00:10:38,110 your calendar. Go, oh, we've been getting kinky 289 00:10:38,110 --> 00:10:40,269 for a year now. Right. Now's the time 290 00:10:40,269 --> 00:10:42,669 to talk about it again. Invite your wife 291 00:10:42,669 --> 00:10:44,850 into the kink things that maybe you're exploring 292 00:10:44,990 --> 00:10:46,209 that aren't in the bedroom. 293 00:10:46,695 --> 00:10:48,615 Maybe you're thinking about going to a munch, 294 00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:49,894 see if she'll go with you. She might 295 00:10:49,894 --> 00:10:51,815 not. She might be like, that is not 296 00:10:51,815 --> 00:10:54,394 my scene, and that's fine, but maybe 297 00:10:54,774 --> 00:10:58,075 she will. And maybe just by being exposed 298 00:10:58,295 --> 00:10:59,100 to some of the 299 00:10:59,579 --> 00:11:01,659 resources and the places and the people where 300 00:11:01,659 --> 00:11:03,899 it's real people just living their lives and 301 00:11:03,899 --> 00:11:05,679 just happen to do some kinky shit, 302 00:11:06,059 --> 00:11:06,620 then she 303 00:11:07,659 --> 00:11:09,199 if it's right for her, 304 00:11:09,740 --> 00:11:11,199 she may be more willing 305 00:11:12,085 --> 00:11:13,524 to talk about things that are off the 306 00:11:13,524 --> 00:11:16,004 table right now, to explore concepts that she's 307 00:11:16,004 --> 00:11:18,485 currently not into. Mhmm. You may just find 308 00:11:18,485 --> 00:11:19,784 a whole new way to 309 00:11:20,245 --> 00:11:22,325 come at it and it never be dom 310 00:11:22,325 --> 00:11:25,070 sub, and she never takes the label submissive, 311 00:11:25,129 --> 00:11:27,210 because she doesn't have to. Right. She does 312 00:11:27,210 --> 00:11:29,450 not have to. Right. And and, you know, 313 00:11:29,450 --> 00:11:31,690 it's we we said this before in in 314 00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:33,950 numerous episodes over over the years, 315 00:11:34,649 --> 00:11:36,250 you know, it's kind of how you approach 316 00:11:36,250 --> 00:11:38,590 it with her too. You know, 317 00:11:39,235 --> 00:11:41,475 kind of going up and saying, hey, I 318 00:11:41,475 --> 00:11:43,014 found this, let's do this. 319 00:11:43,475 --> 00:11:46,035 You know, nope, you know, you you want 320 00:11:46,035 --> 00:11:47,335 to go and say, hey, 321 00:11:47,955 --> 00:11:50,195 you know, I heard about this thing, it 322 00:11:50,195 --> 00:11:52,274 sounds interesting, you want to check it out 323 00:11:52,274 --> 00:11:54,035 with me and, you know, learn about it 324 00:11:54,035 --> 00:11:56,768 and see what it is? Right. You know? 325 00:11:56,768 --> 00:11:59,590 And and that sometimes is a little easier 326 00:11:59,590 --> 00:12:02,411 way to to break that ice. Mhmm. And 327 00:12:02,411 --> 00:12:05,232 yet, at the end of the day, whatever 328 00:12:05,232 --> 00:12:08,054 she ultimately decides this month, this year, next 329 00:12:08,054 --> 00:12:09,465 year, in a decade, 330 00:12:10,264 --> 00:12:12,425 that's her right to do, and only you 331 00:12:12,425 --> 00:12:13,165 can decide 332 00:12:13,785 --> 00:12:15,805 is that enough for you. Mhmm. You know? 333 00:12:15,945 --> 00:12:18,504 If everything was good except this the sex 334 00:12:18,504 --> 00:12:21,384 was lacking prior to kink, which is not 335 00:12:21,384 --> 00:12:22,845 an uncommon thing 336 00:12:23,225 --> 00:12:25,990 that people who transition from a vanilla relationship 337 00:12:26,050 --> 00:12:28,070 to a kinky one say. They're like, everything 338 00:12:28,210 --> 00:12:30,210 everything was great. We're compatible. But, man, in 339 00:12:30,210 --> 00:12:31,889 the bedroom, it just wasn't right. And then 340 00:12:31,889 --> 00:12:33,590 they find what's right for them. 341 00:12:34,290 --> 00:12:36,309 If you if you're both 342 00:12:36,945 --> 00:12:38,565 happy with what you're doing 343 00:12:39,184 --> 00:12:41,345 and you know that it might have greater 344 00:12:41,345 --> 00:12:43,264 meaning or that some of these things have 345 00:12:43,264 --> 00:12:44,325 terms for them, 346 00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:46,785 you get to decide if you need it 347 00:12:46,785 --> 00:12:48,545 to be deeper than it is or if 348 00:12:48,545 --> 00:12:50,065 it's deep enough for you. You know what 349 00:12:50,065 --> 00:12:50,884 I mean? Like, 350 00:12:51,279 --> 00:12:53,679 you know who you are in this in 351 00:12:53,679 --> 00:12:56,159 what you're doing. You know who your wife 352 00:12:56,159 --> 00:12:57,539 is to you. 353 00:12:58,399 --> 00:13:00,799 Mhmm. You decide if it's enough that she 354 00:13:00,799 --> 00:13:03,360 never embraces that part. And there's a very 355 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:05,235 good chance that that might be enough. 20 356 00:13:05,235 --> 00:13:06,914 years together, and you're having a good time 357 00:13:06,914 --> 00:13:09,315 now? I don't know that I would overthink 358 00:13:09,315 --> 00:13:11,815 it Yeah. So much about trying to, like, 359 00:13:12,115 --> 00:13:14,595 get her to go, yes. I am your 360 00:13:14,595 --> 00:13:16,595 submissive. Even though she might get there on 361 00:13:16,595 --> 00:13:18,514 her own eventually, I don't think that needs 362 00:13:18,514 --> 00:13:20,610 to be the focus. That's true. I mean, 363 00:13:20,610 --> 00:13:21,350 you know, 364 00:13:21,730 --> 00:13:22,950 listen, you say that. 365 00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:26,370 You you are in, you know, a lot 366 00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,709 better place than many other people. 367 00:13:29,250 --> 00:13:31,110 You know, many people have brought up 368 00:13:31,570 --> 00:13:34,370 going into a kink and and BDSM and 369 00:13:34,370 --> 00:13:36,045 different things like that to their partner, 370 00:13:36,504 --> 00:13:39,545 and their partner wants absolutely nothing Right. To 371 00:13:39,545 --> 00:13:41,465 do with it. Period. Done. End of end 372 00:13:41,465 --> 00:13:44,105 of, you know, sentence. And and he your 373 00:13:44,105 --> 00:13:46,184 your wife is at least willing to do 374 00:13:46,184 --> 00:13:48,160 it in the bedroom. So, you know, you 375 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,559 kinda gotta look at the Right. And he 376 00:13:50,559 --> 00:13:52,399 even says a little bit outside the bedroom. 377 00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:53,299 That little bit 378 00:13:53,679 --> 00:13:56,240 within her comfort level can't be expanded upon. 379 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:57,759 You just might need to stay away from 380 00:13:57,759 --> 00:13:59,600 the labels. If the labels are the thing 381 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,600 that's the turn off, then don't use the 382 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:04,125 labels. You know? Think about yourself however you 383 00:14:04,125 --> 00:14:06,764 want to. Disrespect her need to just do 384 00:14:06,764 --> 00:14:07,345 the thing. 385 00:14:07,884 --> 00:14:09,404 One way to think about it, and this 386 00:14:09,404 --> 00:14:11,725 might be the 2 of y'all, some people, 387 00:14:11,725 --> 00:14:13,644 I know I'm this way and JB is 388 00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:14,304 this way, 389 00:14:15,004 --> 00:14:16,919 kink is who we are. Are. It's part 390 00:14:16,919 --> 00:14:19,259 of our identity. We live a kink lifestyle. 391 00:14:20,279 --> 00:14:23,480 And and that's one way of approaching kink 392 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:24,460 and power exchange. 393 00:14:24,919 --> 00:14:26,600 You might be like that where it is 394 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,759 feeling it's an internal thing to who you 395 00:14:28,759 --> 00:14:31,204 are. Other people do kink. 396 00:14:31,584 --> 00:14:33,105 They can take it or leave it. They 397 00:14:33,105 --> 00:14:34,725 might know that they really enjoy 398 00:14:35,345 --> 00:14:36,324 sex and 399 00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:39,424 intimacy better when there's kink, but they they 400 00:14:39,424 --> 00:14:42,625 don't attach meaning to their identity with it. 401 00:14:42,625 --> 00:14:44,980 And that is okay. Both ways are valid. 402 00:14:44,980 --> 00:14:46,200 And then some conglomeration, 403 00:14:46,740 --> 00:14:48,899 you know, mysterious third thing that I don't 404 00:14:48,899 --> 00:14:51,139 know is also okay. So it is entirely 405 00:14:51,139 --> 00:14:53,059 possible that that's what you're dealing with. You 406 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:55,639 are inherently kinky. That is who you are, 407 00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:57,860 and your wife is willing to do kink 408 00:14:57,860 --> 00:14:58,360 but 409 00:14:58,740 --> 00:14:59,985 not embrace the role 410 00:15:00,764 --> 00:15:03,325 and claim that as who she is. And 411 00:15:03,325 --> 00:15:05,644 that could be just a right now thing, 412 00:15:05,644 --> 00:15:07,565 and that could be a forever thing. People 413 00:15:07,565 --> 00:15:09,644 change and and adjust and learn new things 414 00:15:09,644 --> 00:15:12,110 all the time. Mhmm. Just, you know, 415 00:15:12,570 --> 00:15:14,570 be happy for the good that you've got 416 00:15:14,570 --> 00:15:17,230 right now and keep it moving forward 417 00:15:17,769 --> 00:15:19,070 in a healthy, 418 00:15:19,450 --> 00:15:22,029 consensual way Mhmm. With plenty of communication. 419 00:15:22,730 --> 00:15:23,950 And, you know, 420 00:15:24,934 --> 00:15:26,855 it may be that you never return to 421 00:15:26,855 --> 00:15:28,934 this conversation, and it may be that you 422 00:15:28,934 --> 00:15:30,615 go at a very slow pace with her 423 00:15:30,615 --> 00:15:32,315 on that side of things. 424 00:15:32,855 --> 00:15:35,254 It's all of it's fine. Mhmm. It's entirely 425 00:15:35,254 --> 00:15:37,095 fine if you're together another 20 years and 426 00:15:37,095 --> 00:15:40,500 she never calls yourself herself submissive, but you're 427 00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:42,179 like, I know what you're doing, and I 428 00:15:42,179 --> 00:15:44,660 know what that role looks like. Yeah. You 429 00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:46,419 those get to be your inside thoughts. You 430 00:15:46,419 --> 00:15:47,240 know what I mean? 431 00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:49,080 And and that's okay too. 432 00:15:49,620 --> 00:15:51,059 But, yeah, the thing that will make you 433 00:15:51,059 --> 00:15:54,075 the manipulative asshole will be pressure. Yep. It 434 00:15:54,075 --> 00:15:57,115 will be doing things expecting an outcome that 435 00:15:57,115 --> 00:15:59,274 you want her to get to. That is 436 00:15:59,274 --> 00:16:01,615 what will make you a manipulative asshole. Yeah. 437 00:16:01,835 --> 00:16:05,274 Enjoy the ride Mhmm. And see where it 438 00:16:05,274 --> 00:16:08,440 takes you. And enjoy what you have Mhmm. 439 00:16:08,879 --> 00:16:09,940 And and, yeah, 440 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:13,519 go from there. Exactly. Mhmm. Thanks for listening 441 00:16:13,519 --> 00:16:15,000 to this week's q and a episode. If 442 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:16,320 you want us to answer one of your 443 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,134 questions, just use the contact page on our 444 00:16:18,134 --> 00:16:19,035 website at lovingbdsm.net, 445 00:16:20,054 --> 00:16:21,254 or you can find the link in the 446 00:16:21,254 --> 00:16:23,095 show notes. Big thanks as always to our 447 00:16:23,095 --> 00:16:25,335 kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to 448 00:16:25,335 --> 00:16:27,095 do this podcast and keep it going and 449 00:16:27,095 --> 00:16:29,735 help kinksters due to your support. If you'd 450 00:16:29,735 --> 00:16:31,100 like to be part of our community and 451 00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:33,019 get access to extra content and a Discord 452 00:16:33,019 --> 00:16:34,700 server with a group of super cool, super 453 00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:36,700 nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join 454 00:16:36,700 --> 00:16:37,440 us at patreon.com/kayla 455 00:16:38,379 --> 00:16:39,600 lords. That's patreon.com/kayla 456 00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:42,540 lords, or use the link in the show 457 00:16:42,540 --> 00:16:43,040 notes.