You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lords here with the one, the only,
the guy who looks really cute in his
little t shirt that y'all can't see because
this is a podcast, John Brownstone.
Thank you. You're welcome.
It's your Trans Siberian Orchestra
shirt. It is. I'm dreaming of cooler weather.
Yeah. The tickets for TSO went on presale
I know. This week, and I had to
just let that email go. I know. I
know. I know. That's okay, though. You went.
We'll go again. And you look adorable in
your t shirt. Thank you. That's not at
all what we're here
to talk about. No. No. This week, we're
answering a question from a dom slash top
who's figured out that they're kinky and they've
kind of introduced some kink into their relationship
and that's going well,
but they're thinking in terms of power exchange
and their partner is
not.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're
new here, we hope kinksters like you have
happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast
to your favorite podcast app so you never
miss an episode. And if you'd like us
to answer a question that you have in
a future one of these, you can use
the
link, in the show notes,
on this podcast app thingy or on our
website, which is lovingbdsm.net.
That's lovingbdsm.net.
And it's the contact page is literally called
ask your questions. Like, we're trying to make
it, like, easy to find. But, yeah, submit
a question. It'll go to our email inbox,
and at some point, it could be an
episode.
Yay.
Okay. Let's get straight into the question.
My wife and I have been married for
almost 20 years. We have a great relationship
and are excellent partners. The only issue had
been that up until recently, we were in
a sexless marriage.
I went down a rabbit hole about sexless
marriage, which led me to an even deeper
rabbit hole about kink and BDSM.
I realized that's what I wanted and thought
it might help. She came back from a
trip and I told her I was taking
charge in the bedroom and that things were
going to
change. She happily and willingly agreed and effectively
submitted to me. Things have been really great
in that department since then. Unfortunately, I foolishly
and prematurely blurted out that I want a
DS dynamic. She didn't get mad or weirded
out but simply said I'm not open to
that. I dropped it. I was embarrassed and
felt foolish.
I know that no means no and that
someone who isn't into kink can't be changed.
That being said, we did a sex menu
and are almost completely on the same page.
She's actually a little kinkier than me. She
seems perfectly willing to be submissive in the
bedroom and sometimes out of the bedroom.
I'm afraid that her idea of submission is
the Handmaid's Tale or Trad wife. She's a
feminist and I think she finds the concept
of submission distasteful.
My question is, as long as she consents,
and I would never ask her to do
something she wasn't comfortable with, should I continue
to gradually add BDSM concepts, role playing, and
kink to our lives and revisit the discussion
in a year or so? I wanna ask
her to do her own research, but I
don't want to seem pushy about it right
now. Is it okay to just enjoy the
dynamic without putting a name to it and
hope that she'll open up to the idea?
Does that just make me a manipulative asshole?
Wow. Yeah. Wow. It it all, as always,
depends.
Mhmm.
I need a graphic.
Depends. Yeah. Yep. You know, or Venn diagram
with all the overlaps.
Gosh. Yeah. So, you know, that's that's tough.
I I I feel for that situation.
You know,
one person wanting it and the other not.
I guess on the one good side, you've
got it in the bedroom.
Right, you're doing the kinky thing, you're just
not calling it the kinky thing. Right.
You know,
I I think something you said in in
your question is absolutely right.
You know, don't worry about names and labels,
and just enjoy what you do, what you
have.
My take on it, I'm gonna I'm gonna
use an old cliche, you can lead a
horse to water, but you can't make them
drink.
Sure. Obviously. Okay?
So, you know, sometimes the more you push,
the more
Resistance. Resist thank you. Thank you. The more
resistance
they become.
One thing that I I would suggest
is enjoy what you do in the bedroom.
Maybe add little elements
in the bedroom. Mhmm. And and you never
know, as as your wife begins to relax
into it and enjoy it, hopefully,
you know, she may want to broaden out
at that point. Mhmm. You know, there were
certain things that you had that you would
not do in the beginning, but as our
relationship matured and and,
you know, we we kinda gotten more trust
with each other, You opened up to other
things that Sure. In the past were not
something you wanted to do. And I think
it's you know, there's two sides to that
that, yes,
it took a while for me to trust
and to learn about Kinkin so then I
did things. In this case, you're talking about
a 20 year relationship. So True. She's got
20 years of experience with you,
and
that means that there are the memories of
everything that's gone right and gone wrong.
And so you're not you're earning trust and
you're maintaining trust, but from a different direction
of having to sort of show,
whatever she might need to feel more comfortable.
And that still won't guarantee that she wants
to have a power exchange or ever call
what y'all
do power exchange.
It just means that the the trust that
has to be built and the knowledge that
has to be gained is coming from sort
of that opposite direction of not necessarily learning
more about a partner, but unlearning how things
once were. Mhmm. That's true. Believing that they
won't go back to whatever they once were.
And that's both partners have to do that.
But True. True. True. You know, that True.
That will make a difference as well. I
want to
I I don't like it to ever go
without saying. I'm too anxious for that. So,
the thing I wanna make sure you're doing,
you know, I
it's kind of like
I don't know. From from a consenting submissive
point of view to tell some you know,
for my partner to go, I'm in charge
now, and this is what we're doing. That
sounds sexy, but from a practical point of
view,
y'all you are communicating.
Correct? Like, it's not just a, hey. Let's
do kink and there's not too much to
talk about. The reason I say that is
because, you know, introducing BDSM concepts and role
play and kinks, how are you introducing that?
Are you just going, you know, I told
you of that time ago that I'm in
charge now, and now we're doing this, or
are y'all actually sitting down and talking about
the kink things you're going to be doing?
The the reason I mean, there's lots of
reasons to to talk about that. 1, communication
is required for consent. But, 2,
it's usually in the process of
negotiating
the fun, the even if it's never called
that, the power exchange. Mhmm. The moment somebody's
the top and somebody's the bottom, somebody's the
dom, somebody's the sub, there's a power exchange
whether you use that language or not. If
somebody's in charge and somebody is not, you
got a power exchange. Yeah. You just don't
have to call it that. But, you know,
it's part of it is in the process
of
figuring out what you're going to do together
and, you know, your wife figuring out her
role in part and you figuring out yours.
And that connection that is forged in the
communication,
that is also where trust can grow and
the willingness to
try new things, to rethink old concepts.
I would not at all be surprised if,
your wife is like, yeah. That don't call
me submissive because that goes against my feminist
ideals. It doesn't have to go against feminist
ideals to be submissive. But for for many
people,
the the two concepts can't coexist together. And
that may be a forever thing and that
may be a for now thing.
The other thing I I agree with you,
just do what y'all do that you enjoy
and don't worry about labels.
The thing to think about from your perspective
is can you live without the label and
the
the the the naming of the dom sub
dynamic? Not whether you know, she's willing to
keep doing kink with you, keep doing what
it feels good for both of you, but
how do you feel about it? If you're
happy that you've got the connection and you're
having a good time and you know, then
it really doesn't matter. I would also say
don't put a time frame on when to
bring a subject back up. There's there's no
there's no deadline
here. You know? You may never bring it
up again. You may find in a natural
organic way that a moment comes up and
you can
reintroduce the concept.
The other thing is and it doesn't have
to be our podcast slash YouTube channel. But
if you come across a resource, a a
video, a an article, or something
that relates to what the 2 of y'all
are already doing,
you don't have to have her go off
and research on her own. Invite her in
to
read the article after you read it. Send
her the link. Say, hey. There's this video
on this topic. You know, that thing we've
been doing? Would you like to watch it
with me? Because that way,
you if she's willing,
you are exposing her to people who talk
about kink
in ways that you would find
informative and healthy and, like,
not a toxic bad thing. Right? Mhmm. So
that can sometimes start conversations Yes. And introduce
a a partner to people who live it
or talk about it in ways that
aren't within whatever their the stereotype is that's
in their head. Right?
That has to be something she's open to.
You cannot force it. No. If you push
or if you create artificial deadlines,
can people be manipulative
assholes without,
like, meaning to? Yeah.
If you're more concerned about getting exactly what
you want to the letter the way you
envision it Mhmm. Than enjoying this thing
naturally and organically with your partner,
then
I
yeah. But if you are content with, this
is just a journey, we're on a path,
we're doing a thing that we both enjoy,
we are both fully consenting, and we've negotiated
it, and we know each of us how
how things are going to go and how
to make them stop and, you know, how
to talk about it, then the rest is
fine.
Bring it up if it makes sense to
bring it up,
when it makes sense to bring it up.
Don't put a don't circle a date on
your calendar. Go, oh, we've been getting kinky
for a year now. Right. Now's the time
to talk about it again. Invite your wife
into the kink things that maybe you're exploring
that aren't in the bedroom.
Maybe you're thinking about going to a munch,
see if she'll go with you. She might
not. She might be like, that is not
my scene, and that's fine, but maybe
she will. And maybe just by being exposed
to some of the
resources and the places and the people where
it's real people just living their lives and
just happen to do some kinky shit,
then she
if it's right for her,
she may be more willing
to talk about things that are off the
table right now, to explore concepts that she's
currently not into. Mhmm. You may just find
a whole new way to
come at it and it never be dom
sub, and she never takes the label submissive,
because she doesn't have to. Right. She does
not have to. Right. And and, you know,
it's we we said this before in in
numerous episodes over over the years,
you know, it's kind of how you approach
it with her too. You know,
kind of going up and saying, hey, I
found this, let's do this.
You know, nope, you know, you you want
to go and say, hey,
you know, I heard about this thing, it
sounds interesting, you want to check it out
with me and, you know, learn about it
and see what it is? Right. You know?
And and that sometimes is a little easier
way to to break that ice. Mhmm. And
yet, at the end of the day, whatever
she ultimately decides this month, this year, next
year, in a decade,
that's her right to do, and only you
can decide
is that enough for you. Mhmm. You know?
If everything was good except this the sex
was lacking prior to kink, which is not
an uncommon thing
that people who transition from a vanilla relationship
to a kinky one say. They're like, everything
everything was great. We're compatible. But, man, in
the bedroom, it just wasn't right. And then
they find what's right for them.
If you if you're both
happy with what you're doing
and you know that it might have greater
meaning or that some of these things have
terms for them,
you get to decide if you need it
to be deeper than it is or if
it's deep enough for you. You know what
I mean? Like,
you know who you are in this in
what you're doing. You know who your wife
is to you.
Mhmm. You decide if it's enough that she
never embraces that part. And there's a very
good chance that that might be enough. 20
years together, and you're having a good time
now? I don't know that I would overthink
it Yeah. So much about trying to, like,
get her to go, yes. I am your
submissive. Even though she might get there on
her own eventually, I don't think that needs
to be the focus. That's true. I mean,
you know,
listen, you say that.
You you are in, you know, a lot
better place than many other people.
You know, many people have brought up
going into a kink and and BDSM and
different things like that to their partner,
and their partner wants absolutely nothing Right. To
do with it. Period. Done. End of end
of, you know, sentence. And and he your
your wife is at least willing to do
it in the bedroom. So, you know, you
kinda gotta look at the Right. And he
even says a little bit outside the bedroom.
That little bit
within her comfort level can't be expanded upon.
You just might need to stay away from
the labels. If the labels are the thing
that's the turn off, then don't use the
labels. You know? Think about yourself however you
want to. Disrespect her need to just do
the thing.
One way to think about it, and this
might be the 2 of y'all, some people,
I know I'm this way and JB is
this way,
kink is who we are. Are. It's part
of our identity. We live a kink lifestyle.
And and that's one way of approaching kink
and power exchange.
You might be like that where it is
feeling it's an internal thing to who you
are. Other people do kink.
They can take it or leave it. They
might know that they really enjoy
sex and
intimacy better when there's kink, but they they
don't attach meaning to their identity with it.
And that is okay. Both ways are valid.
And then some conglomeration,
you know, mysterious third thing that I don't
know is also okay. So it is entirely
possible that that's what you're dealing with. You
are inherently kinky. That is who you are,
and your wife is willing to do kink
but
not embrace the role
and claim that as who she is. And
that could be just a right now thing,
and that could be a forever thing. People
change and and adjust and learn new things
all the time. Mhmm. Just, you know,
be happy for the good that you've got
right now and keep it moving forward
in a healthy,
consensual way Mhmm. With plenty of communication.
And, you know,
it may be that you never return to
this conversation, and it may be that you
go at a very slow pace with her
on that side of things.
It's all of it's fine. Mhmm. It's entirely
fine if you're together another 20 years and
she never calls yourself herself submissive, but you're
like, I know what you're doing, and I
know what that role looks like. Yeah. You
those get to be your inside thoughts. You
know what I mean?
And and that's okay too.
But, yeah, the thing that will make you
the manipulative asshole will be pressure. Yep. It
will be doing things expecting an outcome that
you want her to get to. That is
what will make you a manipulative asshole. Yeah.
Enjoy the ride Mhmm. And see where it
takes you. And enjoy what you have Mhmm.
And and, yeah,
go from there. Exactly. Mhmm. Thanks for listening
to this week's q and a episode. If
you want us to answer one of your
questions, just use the contact page on our
website at lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the
show notes. Big thanks as always to our
kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to
do this podcast and keep it going and
help kinksters due to your support. If you'd
like to be part of our community and
get access to extra content and a Discord
server with a group of super cool, super
nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join
us at patreon.com/kayla
lords. That's patreon.com/kayla
lords, or use the link in the show
notes.