You're listening to loving BDSM podcast, episode 4
12. Kayla Lourdes here with the one, the
only, the if you could have seen what
he was doing right before he hit record,
I would not have the reputation as the
silly one around here, John Brownstone.
Were you trying to blow vape rings, like
smoke rings? Is that what was happening? Or
was it just a stem that felt good
and you were like, I kinda like making
this noise and doing this thing?
Inquiring minds want to know. But that's not
why we're here today. But inquiring minds want
to know.
Or are you just gonna edge our audience?
Is that what's happening? Gonna have to leave
them wondering.
And wanting more,
like the sadist you are. Uh-huh. We're still
not even talking about that either, y'all. This
week, we're continuing our back to basics series
by talking about some things to watch out
for in a new power exchange relationship,
which also still come up in existing long
term power exchange relationships because you kinda never
get away from some of this stuff. Welcome
to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is
your first time listening, glad to have you.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday for
your kinky pleasure in education and show notes
are found at lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add
the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You
can also follow the show on FetLife at
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I will forever fucking hate
with the passion of a 1,000
suns. Oh my god.
I hate it. It's loving d s and
the number one
at loving d s one or on YouTube
at youtube.com/loving
BDSM, where you can watch us live from
the podcast every Wednesday. Did those words come
out in the correct order? I don't know.
All links are in the show notes.
A big thanks as always to our kinky
patrons over on Patreon, including our newest peeps.
We are able to be weirdos on the
Internet with microphones
because of our Patreon community. Mhmm. And we
are grateful for
every fucking one of you over there. Oh
my god. You have no idea.
If you would like to be part of
our kinky community,
and get access to extra content and a
Discord server that you can't get access to
any other way, you can do that. Just
join us at patreon.com/
kayla lords. It's patreon.com/
kayla lords, or the link is in the
show notes. Stone Cold Sober. And now the
podcast audience is like, what the hell's going
on over there? Right.
And they know they know nothing. Yeah. Well,
even if you're strictly a podcast listener,
the first, like, 7 or 8 minutes of
any livestream,
it's
Chaos. It's something.
And I'm having to reassure
both
everybody and myself that, no. Really, I'm sober.
Okay. So,
it's just a reminder since this is part
of our back to basics series that if
you are either new in power exchange or
just wanna, like, work on some stuff in
your power exchange, we do have workbooks on
our Etsy shop.
30 days of DS is for absolute beginners,
whether you're brand new to kink or it's
a brand new Power Exchange relationship and you
wanna, like, get yourself sorted on what you
think about different
kink concepts
exchange. Then there's 30 Days of DS Volume
2 that is designed for people with kink
experience
and more
than not than if you are in an
established power change. Like, you can do it
if you're single. There's nothing wrong with that.
But it is meant to be
a how will we in this power exchange
deal with these issues and think of these
concepts.
So just a reminder
that that is a thing that you can
do if you are, you know, listening or
watching
the,
the series and, like, oh, yeah. There's still
some stuff I gotta learn. Okay?
But as always, and this is especially true
in this week's episode, but it's been true
in all the episodes of this series,
there's a ton of links to blog posts
we've written, podcast episodes,
videos if you're on YouTube,
where you can, without having to pay anything,
go figure out learn what we've said in
the past about these subjects on a deeper
level. So
what are words I don't know? It's gonna
be a rough one. I apologize now.
Second announcement.
The day this podcast episode comes out for
podcast listeners, But Friday, September 20th, I can't
believe I remember those dates. There's a reason
I remember them, but I still can't believe
I remember them.
9:30 PM EST is our Friday night livestream,
our virtual munch, our BDSM q and a.
It's where we get random and chaotic kind
of on purpose. And it's not on purpose
like we have to try. It's more like
we apologize less for it,
and we don't worry about controlling the chaos
so much.
The chaos is the point.
It's on YouTube.
The link will be in the show notes
for the podcast episode. It'll, you know, get
scheduled for,
YouTube folks. Hopefully, notifications actually work and let
you know. I put it in our weekly
newsletter. Like, I try to make it
so easy to come join us on our
Friday night livestreams.
So 9:30 PM EST, usually lasts until around
midnight.
Only time we've never not lasted till midnight
was if one of us was not feeling
well. So True. True. True. So knock on
wood that that is not an issue. Okay.
All of that all of that
chaotic
gunk,
now we can do the topic. So
we broke up this discussion, things to watch
out for when you're
in a new power change or new to
power exchange
into 4 sections.
And I've said it a couple of times.
I wanna say it one more time. Caveat.
This is not just for new folks. It's
it will and can and will happen in
an established power exchange. But typically with an
an established power exchange, you you've been through
it at least once before, so it's not
usually a surprise.
It can be, but not usually.
So hopefully this is a good reminder for
folks who've been doing this a while, but
if you're kinda new and you're still figuring
this stuff out,
let let this let us be the ones
to go. No. No. No. If you end
up going through this, that's totally normal. You
didn't do anything wrong. This is how this
goes.
As with all of these episodes, we're kind
of giving higher overviews because we have talked
about
all of these topics
in great detail
over the past 4 previous 411
episodes,
the minisodes, and our block. Okay?
So for each of these, there are tons
of links in the places if you wanna
do a deeper dive and get more of
our thoughts on it. Or if you're like,
I don't even know what that concept
really means. We've we've got you. Okay? The
4 we're gonna talk about and are these
the only things? Probably not. They're the 4
we're gonna talk about today.
Frenzy,
drop, assumptions,
and triggers, which, like, the actual mental health
term triggers, but also the less
traumatic version that we call bad tapes.
And if you're
vaguely new here, you've probably heard us refer
to bad tapes multiple times because it's an
expression we use all the time. And then
you're you're always been like, what the hell
is a bad tape? Just so you know,
the bad tape episode was episode a
101. Wow. So it's it's not in anybody's
feed anymore. You can't get it anywhere but
our website.
So Wow. It's worth a conversation. Mhmm.
But all the links to all the times
and places we've talked about these topics,
you can find them if you wanna do
a deeper dive. So let's start with frenzy.
And I purposefully
did not just call this sub frenzy. Mhmm.
Because It didn't go either way. Right. And
it was
less than a year ago, I think, maybe
a little bit longer. Somebody
emailed in or was chatting with us or
something, and they were like,
I really think I went into dom frenzy,
but I've never actually heard that term. And
the moment they were describing what they were
going through and the moment they used the
term, I went, of course, that's a thing
that we've you know, probably doesn't get clocked,
might not get called that, can certainly manifest
in multiple ways. So we're not subfrenzy is
what most people would be used to hearing
about and experiencing, but just frenzy, that sort
of excitement
over getting to do the thing, the kink
thing, the power exchange thing. And the excitement
hits such a peak that people will make
not great decisions. They'll be impulsive. They will
not listen to their own instincts. They will,
you know, explain away
to themselves, you know, why this person is
actually a shitty human being,
in the name of getting to finally do
the kink thing.
And I think most people with frenzy are
probably gonna go through it before they negotiate
the power exchange,
but I absolutely think that it you can
experience frenzy
more than once as a kinkster because there's
different things that can get you excited. There's
Sure. The brand new person's
frenzy of, oh my god. I discovered this
thing and I get to do it. True.
True. Oh my god. Kit in a candy
store. And I I would imagine too, and
another case of that,
would be, you know, someone who's on one
side of the slash and then maybe decide,
you know, their switch, and they're looking at
a whole different thing,
and they're just
Woo hoo. Exactly. Or
you go from being a just you're a
kinkster who's out there exploring your kinks, maybe
you're doing some casual play, maybe you're just
having some experiences.
That's one kind of frenzy you might go
through. And then you actually get in the
power exchange relationship,
and that could be another kind of frenzy
you experience. Now I would imagine
for many people
who might experience multiple frenzies,
you
probably recognize it faster,
subsequent times it occurs,
and can maybe manage it better, but not
necessarily. Right?
I don't know that we were
I would have liked to have gone through
a second frenzy when we went from being
long distance
to,
in person. But the day we moved in,
we had a stressful thing happen. Our AC
died because that's our relationship. From place to
place we've ever lived, we're plagued with AC
problems.
We love living in Florida. It's great.
Yeah.
But,
like, a a lot of the excitement of
what we were gonna be doing kind of
got sucked out of us with the heat.
You know?
Mhmm. Yeah. And then we got stressed about
our own power exchange, and so we actually
didn't get that second wind frenzy of excitement.
But I, you know,
I think it'll be more common for people
to experience frenzy with a new partner. You've
kinda gotten to know one another. You know,
you're negotiating this tentatively, and one or both
of you is so excited
that maybe you're not making the best decisions
that you could be making.
It's usually a lack of self preservation
more than anything.
It's not necessarily that the person is doing
toxic things together. That's not frenzy. That's just,
you know, some toxic abusive bullshit.
Let's not
give that a nice little name. That is
just bad shit. Yeah. It tends to be
a sense of self preservation.
They don't wanna use their safe word, not
out of disappointment, but because they don't want
the scene to be done. They don't wanna
give up this opportunity.
And not using your safe word because of
that does not mean you're automatically in frenzy.
It is like it's several things altogether, but
that can be a sign. They don't wanna
stop the scene even though they're, like,
bleeding out on a table somewhere nonconsensually
because
this is my chance to do this. Right?
That sense of self preservation. They overlook,
you know,
their boundaries being violated. And sometimes it's the
toxic stuff of the other person as a
walking red flag. That's when we talk about
the dangers of subfrenzy.
That's typically what we talk about. But it
can also be
less terrifying than that, but still just as
serious where
they're not
standing firm in their own limits and they're
agreeing to do things and saying that they
agree to do things with a a a
willing partner that they don't actually wanna do.
Lola agrees. Lola agrees. As usual, she knows.
I'm trying to decide. Does she give top
energy? I don't know. Anyway,
I've anthropomorphized her enough. We don't have to
go there. No.
But, you know, you can sometimes
agree to do a thing that
and
this is the Lola showdown. Yep. Oh my
god. Y'all, she is sitting next to JB,
but not looking at him. No.
Do we wanna try to Yeah. Pick her?
Nobody's touching her, y'all. She's she's just laying
on the floor where she was sleeping.
Are we sure she's not part husky? What
the hell?
Okay. You're okay. You're okay. My whole point
is that sometimes a partner will suggest something
that's they're not doing it out of out
of, an abusive nature or toxic nature because
they're a red flag. There's a thing they
want. And the other partner in frenzy might
be so excited at the thought that they
don't just
stop and say,
actually, I'm not interested in that.
So
that is a thing that can
occur.
There we go. We had podcast listeners. Just
be grateful we are still old school, the
and it's just still audio.
Good lord.
What would
you, not Lola,
have to say about
frenzy? And especially at the beginning of a
power exchange or a new power exchange?
Yeah.
You know, I I think frenzy
ties in very well
with new relationship energy.
Yes. Okay. Yes. I I think there is
a a good, you know Mhmm. The the
2 of them overlap, and there's a definite
correlation.
Yeah. I I agree with that. Especially,
if you're in a you're you're somebody with
a you're a kinkster with experience. Right? And
you're like, I've had my frenzy moment. I
lost my damn mind 5 years ago. But
that new relationship energy,
you might not clock what you're
experiencing necessarily as frenzy because it's maybe not
as, like, intense as it was the first
time around.
But I think that's where things like not
just going, hey. I'm I'm glad you like
that idea, but I'm not down for it.
Right? Or not wanting to stop a scene.
Again, that's different than not wanting to stop
a scene because you don't wanna disappoint a
partner. That's another thing to to that you
have to deal with Yeah.
In kink and power exchange. But more so
the, I don't this is our only chance.
This is my only time.
You know, those kinds of things. And that's
a that phenomenon that's not initially
automatically part of frenzy can happen to you
in an established relationship where you know better,
and you're like, but this is our one
damn night
to get to do this. Right? Mhmm. So,
the other time, you know, talking about that
frenzy can happen even in established relationships. You
know, you pointed out you're you've been in
one role and now you're
exploring what an the other side of the
slash means. That absolutely can be a way.
If you are in
a nonmonogamous
relationship
and you meet a new person that you're,
again, going through new relationship energy
with, you might
experience a bit of frenzy.
When we talk about frenzy,
we
always, always, always talk about sub frenzy, but
the idea of dom or top frenzy,
do you have any memories from multiple decades
ago of having experienced that? Have you experienced
something like that with new partners? Like, does
that resonate with you at all? It it
does.
You know,
thinking back on it,
yeah, I can see where I had,
What what do you remember?
Not very much at this point.
You know, but, yeah, it was it was
there.
Did you make questionable partner decisions
because of it? That's what subs often do.
But doms aren't immune to picking the wrong
one. Yeah.
I don't think so. For me, it was
more like I wanted to be involved in
everything.
You were going to everything, doing everything, taking
every class. If it was
going, I was there.
So you had FOMO too, probably. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I see. And that's the thing. Frenzy
can can present in a in so many
ways.
It just I, personally,
I think that the overarching definition is
overzealousness
and
making decisions that are not always in your
best interest. I'm pretty sure there were times
you spent money or lost sleep when what
you really needed to do was take your
ass to the house. Right? Pretty much.
Pretty
much. Yeah. Yeah.
I think the time to be worried about
truly be worried about frenzy is if you
are not paying attention to others' red flags
or if you are
pushing up against other people's boundaries and limits
in your excitement. Right? Like, if you're just,
you know, not you can be as excited
as you wanna be, and please please be
excited. This is meant to be fun. But
it's when you start, like, stepping on other
people's toes about it that that's when we're
in you know? Yeah.
I god. I've I feel so old. I'm
trying to remember if I had
frenzy with you, like, true frenzy. Because I
I definitely had sub frenzy with the previous
partner. And then when you and I met,
I was still, like, broken heart,
mourning the loss of something that really never
was. Yep.
And so we went really, really super slow.
So I don't feel like I ever
had I think the closest we came was
the first time we were physically in each
other's presence.
Yes. And I think we both experienced a
type of frenzy because,
I mean, you had
before you walked in the door, we were
in a scene. You just didn't know it
yet. I was surprising you. That's true. That's
true. But we immediately, like,
said hi, kinda went, oh, yeah. You're you.
And then went right into a scene, and
you went real hard, real fast. I got
Whoo. Yeah.
You you were exuberant. It was all that
road time I was in.
And I safe worded. But
I mean, our
I don't wanna classify the excitement that long
distance relationships,
people in long distance relationships get to feel
when they're finally together as frenzy because I
don't think that's fair to anybody.
Because every visit we had
up until we were starting to plan the
the move really as as long as we
were kid free
was just
wall to wall fuckery. Like, that's just what
we did. But that first time was super
intense
because we'd had all that build up and
there was all of that uncertainty that were,
was this real? Were we really compatible? And
then we certainly were. And then we were
super excited.
Yeah.
I think the the thing that would delineate
it in my mind from what I consider
frenzy
is that we did play safely and we
did care about each other's boundaries and we
used our safe words and And that's and
that's a big thing, you know. You you
can be
in frenzy,
but, you know, as long as you each
other respects their boundaries,
you know,
and and,
you
know, you you can get you'll get through
it. Oh, yeah. For sure. Because we're going
to, in some future week, do an episode
on an expression, another kinkster used that I
have fallen in love with, old relationship energy,
because
that's a thing.
But, you know,
to watch out for it as part of
a new power exchange
is not to not want each other to
be excited and to be bouncing off the
walls with the the kink energy. Like, that's
not it. It's to watch out for
yourself and your partner making decisions
that are against their best interest or your
best interest. It's the boundary,
you know, overstepping. It's the not using a
safe word when they really ought to use
a safe word. It's, you know, saying yes
to things that they don't real you know,
you don't really want. Those are the things
to watch out for because those things can
unintentionally
lead to long term harm, whether that's
a thing we'll talk about, later, a bad
tape, or it's actual physical harm.
So you just you do need to to
be aware that it I don't care if
y'all have been together 6 months, a year.
That moving in part could create frenzy. Doing
a new kink thing could create a sense
of frenzy.
So it really is just, you know,
watching out for for whether you're
playing safely within all of that. Mhmm. And
now she's at the door like she wants
to go into another room. Okay. Let me
see if she does want to. Yeah. You
do that and
because, folks have been commenting in live chat.
I'm sure podcast listeners might be interested too.
She actually was wide awake when she started
all that crying. She just decided something. She
wasn't getting
mom,
looking at JB
and just
crying.
Calmly, like her voice was not calm, but
her body language was super calm. I don't
know what all of that was.
That is,
the way Lola cries when she does not
think
we're paying enough attention. That's the cry we
get if she is outside and wants to
come in and you did not
open the door before she knew she wanted
to come in. You know what I'm saying?
She's she's been doing that a lot,
lately because her and I, we have been
walking fairly steadily.
And
last night, we did not walk because my
back was bothering me. Mhmm. Mhmm. And tonight,
obviously, I'm here with y'all. And
Oh, and tomorrow she won't get one either.
Oh boy.
So yeah, and the thing is, if I
don't W A L K her,
Yeah.
She gets upset, and she does that. And
she does that to get attention. If if
she's not gonna be walked, she's gonna get
attention, and then You're gonna know that she's
dissatisfied with your service. Right. Okay. Yep. So
No. Do you have anything else you would
like to add to frenzy? Okay. Nope. That's
a good segue then. We're gonna go into
drop.
Sub drop, dom drop. We I did not
realize how much we've talked about drop over
the years. And, actually, we spent more time
on dom drop than sub drop. Because most
people talk about Sub drop. Sub drop. And
and, you know, not the fact that it
does happen to doms.
I remember the first time it happened to
me. Oh my god, it was horrid. Because
you didn't know what
it was. You didn't know what it was.
I almost felt,
the the best way to describe it was
almost flu like. Yes, my first experience with
drop, I felt like I had was getting
flu. It it it was absolutely horrible and
and had no idea what was going on.
Yeah. You think you're going crazy. You think,
like, am I dying? Do I need to
make a doctor's appointment? So for anybody who's
like, what the fuck is drop? Drop is
the low
from the high of having to
gotten a kink scene. People get it after
going to kinky conventions.
We would get it after every visit when
he would come or I would go to
him. We'd get a weekend, a week, whatever
together. We'd live our best power exchange kinky
fuckery lives for a few days. Then we'd
have to go back to being long distance
again and there would be a drop. It's
very
It's most commonly talked about after a scene.
And it's most, most commonly talked about
as the opposite of subspace or topspace, domspace.
But it's, you know, you get that high
or that floaty feeling, or for you it's
like really focused feeling, like however your
space feels. Yep. And what goes up must
come down.
And so the the down is drop.
My experience has been, especially since I don't
go into subspace
very often anymore, it's been a hot minute
since I've really been in subspace. But I
And we haven't played that intensely either. True.
But even when we were, you know, it
was one of those things we were fitting
in our play in between other things, and
so whatever. Mhmm. But, you know,
we've experienced it after we've gotten, like,
really
intense moments that weren't a scene, or I
wasn't in subspace, but we just had a
really good time being kinky together. Whether that
was actual kink scenes or it was just
really swimming in our power exchange for a
day or 2,
going to kinky conventions where you can just
be a kinkster for
some amount of time, and then that's the
the life you get to live and and
the rest of your life kinda falls away.
I don't I don't care how long you've
been together. I don't care
how,
much kink you did together before you got
into a power exchange or
drop can still happen. I think it is
probably
less frequent
as a relationship
goes on, but not necessarily. I mean, everybody's
different. So your brain chemistry is different. You're
gonna react differently
to all this you know, the thing that
wouldn't send me into subspace and then have
me drop could be the thing that absolutely
does for you even though you've been doing
this for 20 years. Right? Like, that that's
a very individualistic
thing, which is why you still need to
watch out for it. You've negotiated your power
exchange. Maybe you're living together. Hell, maybe you're
fucking married and you're raising kids or Mhmm.
Taking care of parents and got 30 jobs
and no days off, and
you can still go in the fucking drop.
It doesn't it doesn't necessarily go away just
because you become an an old boring couple
like us. Like, it
and that's why it's something to be thinking
about and to
just be aware of. I wouldn't worry about
it unless your drop is debilitating. If your
drop is debilitating and you literally are not
gonna function for a few days,
you're gonna have to be more mindful than
those of us who just, you know, need
some extra sleep and get a little get
a little cranky.
I I have this bad tendency when my,
like, when my mental health tanks,
I either get super quiet and have not
a fucking thing to say to anybody,
or if you're gonna make me talk to
somebody,
I'm a be pissy about it. And, you
know, you're not living your best miss of
life if you're snapping at your daddy dom
because you're
over slash understimulated.
I mean you know?
So,
when was the last time
you remember experiencing
drop? Drop?
I mean, we've been together long enough. I'm
sure it's happened since we've been together.
Yeah. Yeah. And it's it's been a while.
Mhmm. It it has been a while.
I would say
probably prior to when we moved here to
Ocala.
We had so much more fuckery in our
lives before we moved here. Yeah.
We have and I don't regret moving here.
No. Not at all. There are many good
things in our life
that have occurred because we We are we
we are where we are. But it's a
give and take. Mhmm. And we gave up
so much fuckery. We we did.
We just didn't know it at the time
that we'll Well, I mean, it it was
a comedy of errors after that because the
the rental house, the boys were right across
the hall from us. I know. You know?
We were getting a bit of fuckery once
we moved here, but we had lived here
a very short amount of time when our
bottom fell out and, like, life got chaotic.
Yeah. And we're, yeah, we're still in recovery
from that. So, yeah, it's it's just it's
just funny to me. It's just funny to
me. Like, there's okay. I can say this
because I'm not in it right now. I
probably would feel differently if I was in
the middle of drop. But there is a
part of me that's like, could we have
something intense enough that I please get to
experience drop again? I would not be mad.
Yeah. Well, same. You know?
Yeah. Because it's a it's a little bit
frustrating because
most of the time, if you're going through
drop, it's because you had a good damn
time a few days before.
So it's like
a give and take thing.
Just real quick for anybody who has not
listened to the 85,000,000 times we've talked about
drop.
Everybody does experience it differently. Yes.
I have had 3 types of experiences. 1
was flu like symptoms. I literally thought I
was getting sick. I almost went to urgent
care.
I've had the the mental health every I'm
fuzzy. I'm my mood is low.
It's,
feels a bit like depression.
Maybe it would it would be classified as
that. I don't know. And then my 3rd
is a combo of those where my body
is miserable and my my head is
not in a good position. Well, I mean,
you think about it. You know, when you're
when you do a scene,
it releases all those feel good chemicals into
your body.
You know? You you got adrenaline. You got,
what, dopamine and Endorphins. Endorphins and all this
stuff raging through the body and, you know,
you're you're like, yeah. Bring it.
And,
yep. When all that goes away Mhmm. Because
that that's all been shoring you up and,
you know Right.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, I've yeah. So
if you thought, oh, we got past new
relationship energy. Oh, we've kind of settled into
our power exchange that we just negotiated.
Drop's not a thing I gotta worry about.
It can still
happen. I you know, I think there's it
it depends on a million factors, but I
know
from
our experience and then I've had conversations with
other people who've had similar experiences, so I
know it's not just us.
The comfort of knowing
now
that the day after a scene, 2 days
after a scene, whatever whatever might send me
into drop, that my person is right there
decreases the drop for me. Like, I might
still feel a little low. I surely might
still have body aches because,
I mean, when we get to play, it
does tend to be very intense physically.
Mhmm.
But it's not as bad as when we
were long distance, and we also had to
contend with the drop of we are not
physically together anymore. When you do get to
be together
in your drop, you get to lean on
one another. You have to process together. You
get to you're not alone. You're not going,
am I crazy? Like, you get to be
crazy together. You know? And and you know
one of the things you know, yeah, having
having that,
you know, if you're somebody that does,
pickup play,
you know,
you may need to
include that in your negotiations.
If I if I start to drop, can
I call you? Can we can we talk
or text her? Check-in with each other a
day or 2 after. Because some people don't
experience it the immediate day after. It can
be a day or 2 after their scene
or their moment or whatever. That if if
the person is unable
to
provide any kind of aftercare like that,
then, you know,
what friends do you have in the community,
you know, that that you can call them
and talk to them or, you know, go
hang out with with some friends and,
you know, to to kinda alleviate it. Mhmm.
Which it's you know, we get back to
you you're in a new power exchange. Ideally,
you have one another. But if your power
exchange is long distance or you just don't
live together Right. Then you'll have to find
other ways to work around that. But having
somebody that you can just talk to
and be with and whatever you are comfortable
with and want in that moment like, some
people want to be the fuck by themselves.
They just wanna curl up in their bed
and rot and I fair. That's fine. But,
yeah. The other thing, and we we did
a whole episode on this too, we have
never figured out a way to prevent drop.
I've never heard of anybody with a credible
way to prevent drop. I don't think you
can prevent it. I think you can mitigate
it. I think you can be aware of
it, and so it's less
disturbing to you when it happens because you
at least know what the hell's happening to
you. You can have your support system. You
can hopefully have your partner. Mhmm. But I
don't, you know, I think it can decrease
over time. We do a lot less intense
things, so therefore, I don't have opportunities to
go into drop, so therefore, I don't go
into drop very often.
You know, there's that too. Anything else you
wanna say about drop? I think we're good
there.
Number 3. You can drop the subject.
You're so funny.
Number 3.
You're gonna have to look out for
assumptions being made. Yep. And that that is
so nuanced and can mean so many different
things. We did I don't think I linked
it. I'll have to add it. As a
submissive,
I do I like to do, when I
can, something called
anticipatory
submission, where I'm anticipating
JB's needs and trying to fill them.
Now 95% of the time,
I get that right.
But man, that 5% where I get it
wrong. I've made it right.
That's the time you can make assumptions
about what your partner wants, about what they
need and be very very wrong. Now, you
know, another thing that I want to add
about this, a number of years ago,
I came across
a thing and it was actually for for
a,
a rope scene.
And
the the person who was doing this, and
this was the first time I had ever
seen anyone do this,
in the negotiations
they actually asked the person, the the top
asked the the rope bottom,
what are your expectations
of the scene?
You know, and
at the very first I thought that's an
odd question.
But after I had kind of time to
process it and think about it, it's like,
no, that's actually pretty good because
each person could be coming in with different
expectations,
different assumptions.
Right, about what the other person wants. About
what the other person wants. Based on what
they want. Right. Right. Right. You know?
And
so so yeah. It it it actually
helps,
you know,
alleviate that. Mhmm.
Mhmm. Yeah. There's gonna be assumptions that are
gonna be made on, well, we we negotiated
that 6 months ago. They probably still want
that. If I'll say this. If it's something
you do on a day to day basis,
you or you're you that's a thing you're
interacting with with one another
on a consistent
basis, maybe not daily, but consistently,
you until your partner tells you otherwise or
you get a signal of some sort, you
can assume it's still the same. Right?
But if you negotiated
it 6 months, a year ago,
3 months ago, and it's
never been mentioned again, do not assume it's
still on the table. Do not assume that's
what you still want. Mhmm. A check-in is
the easiest thing you can literally do. Hey.
Are we still good with Yeah. Hey. How
do you feel about
Because,
you know, that's another thing. Yeah, that's a
very good point you brought up because consent
is not one and done. Right. You know,
it is ongoing. It's a fluid
thing. Mhmm. So, yeah, and that, you start
assuming
stuff when it comes to consent. Right.
Yeah. Not good. And the the biggest mistake
I tend to see
people make is, well, we negotiate this is
in our contract. Well, how long ago, Joel?
Talk about that contract. When was the last
time you actually looked at that contract and
talked about it with one another?
You having a conversation in your head about
what you think your partner would say
is not the same as direct and clear
communication.
One assumption that will get a lot of
people who,
both in vanilla relationships that transitioned to power
exchange and folks who
are, like, shiny new and everything has been
vanilla and don't have the communication
skills yet. You'll get there.
They should just know.
That's an assumption. You are assuming that because
what your mind waves went out into the
ether in a certain formation
that
your partner
I mean, what? And I say this as
a person who spent
every vanilla relationship I've ever had with
some version of the thought, well, he should
just know.
My communication skills were piss poor. Okay?
And very early days of DS
and prior. Mhmm.
There is no they should just know. They
Yep.
Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Are there things that you would
hope that after 5, 10, 15, 20
months or years together that your partner could
infer?
Yes.
And can you reasonably
expect, if they are confused, that they should
check-in?
Yes. I think that's a reasonable expectation. I
also think you have to set that expectation.
You have to have the conversation of, hey,
when in doubt, ask. Right? You shouldn't have
to. 1 would think we're all adults here.
Sometimes people need it, like,
said straightforward to them.
But we can't be walking around going, well,
they should just know.
They should just know.
How?
How is JV supposed to just know that
I've got a migraine and so therefore cannot
fulfill my tasks as his submissive?
Now let me tell you.
As a probably spoiled rotten, but not in
the way like, with
material things. Spoiled rotten only child. I absolutely
have a bit of main character energy at
times with JB.
I we can have a conversation about my
main character energy in this in the podcast.
That's a different conversation.
So I do sometimes walk around going, well,
clearly, the expression on my face, the body
language, and the
deep sighs
should make it clear that something is wrong.
And, yeah, if JB is, like, not in
his own head about something, he might go,
hey.
Are you okay? Is everything okay?
And I appreciate it when he asks. It's
nice to be seen. Right? And I like
to make sure I am seen often. Thank
you very much. So I walk around with
lots of size. But I am a grown
ass woman, and it is my adult responsibility.
Mhmm. Especially,
like, in our power exchange where I have
agreed to do things
to go, hey. I feel like absolute dog
shit right now. I know you haven't noticed
because you too feel like absolute dog shit.
But I need you to notice for like
30 seconds, hey, I'm not gonna I don't
think I can do that thing that Mhmm.
You know, I always do. Right? Like, there's
no
uh-uh. Uh-uh. We're not gonna make those assumptions.
I'm gonna I'm gonna give you y'all a
little insight here.
Oh,
Lord. Okay? You know, she's talking about her
size and and knowing,
you know, should know something.
Kayla and I
have desks within a few feet of each
other.
Close. Very
close. Now I actually do sit with my
back to her the way my desk is
set,
but,
throughout the course of any given time,
sitting at my desk when she's at her
computer,
I will hear
Sometimes I'm just breathing, but I don't know.
And if I asked every time she sighs,
I could that could be my job. That's
Yeah. I really do. That would be my
job. Walk around sighing. She she
for her, the sigh is a natural thing.
Yeah.
Apparently it can be a stim and there's
something else it can be. I am there.
Yeah. Sometimes I forget to breathe and I
hold my breath and so then I have
to sigh
sigh to catch back up. So, you know
I'm sure there's something else to talk to
with a therapist.
There there's no way I could know. Without
you know, and the thing is is oh,
go ahead. And and in the beginning, I
did use You did, and it got so
annoying. I'm like, I'm fine. I'm just over
here breathing.
So I I got to the point where
now, anytime she sighs, I just take it
as as her sighing, and that's I really
do be sighing a lot. It's real
bad.
I don't even notice it half the time.
Or I'm actually I'm just taking a deep
breath, and it comes out because I've been
holding my breath accidentally,
and it cuts out as a sigh. But,
you know, the the thing is,
I think it's okay
to want your partner to be paying enough
attention to you Yeah. To ask the questions
of, are you okay?
Is everything okay? You seem a little
that's fair. I want that, and I get
that. I can
I can confidently say nobody should making assumptions
because I also don't have to worry about
having a partner
that is paying so little attention to me
or has done no
made no effort to learn my cues and
signals
that, you know, he asked? So I
Mhmm. You know, I also know that I'm
free to tell him. And I also know
that when there are times when I'm struggling
to say something,
it might take him a minute, but he
will notice something's often asked. It's not an
either or. It's a both
and. Right? Mhmm.
If the if you are still carrying that
bad communication
habit of they should just know
because something to you feels like common knowledge.
Common knowledge is not always
common. It really is not. There's no really
no common sense either because
everybody has their own life experience,
their own wiring, their own way of moving
through the world. So sometimes we have to
we have to teach people how to treat
us. I mean, you know, they're
oh, Jesus. Nope.
I didn't You know, the the the whole
thing of of
you should know
on
either on either side, it it's it's
it's unrealistic.
It's it's actually toxic
Yeah. Absolutely. Yes. In a lot of ways.
Yes. You know, the way that Long term
and overtime? Mhmm. Yes. You know,
I mean, yes. Can I can I tell,
you know, after we've been together,
you know, how many years?
Yes. I pretty much know
the difference between her
sitting at her desk size. My breathing. Yeah.
And and some other size? Yes. Am I
a 100% right over you every time? No.
But I I, you know But we also
have that freedom because he knows if it's
bad enough, I am better now than I
was early days. I'll say something.
I'm gonna say,
my head is killing me. I'm gonna say,
I feel like shit today. I'm I'm gonna
say those things. Yeah. Because
I don't have the expectation that me walking
around looking miserable means he's gonna pick up
on the signal that I'm miserable and should
be let out of my tasks for the
night. Quite frankly, I'm the type who's like,
I could still do it as, you know,
my eyesight is blurry and I'm stumbling around,
and I'm clutching my head. No. No. I'm
fine. Oh, I just my arm fell off
in the kitchen there, and I'm dragging
my corpse like body behind me. I can
do it. Like, I'm more that type. Yeah.
I I mean, you know, to
to in in
whatever you had, you gave it to me
now. I know. It's a bad one. I'm
so sorry, y'all.
You know,
it in in the in our lifestyle,
making assumptions
and and not explaining how how, you know,
what's really going on,
it's bad. It could even be dangerous. Absolutely.
You know,
and
Until people get hurt. Yeah.
So, you know, never ever
assume
or think you, you know,
the other person knows.
You need to have talk. You need to
talk. Right. You need to tell the other
person. Use your grown up words. Yeah. And
we've talked about this many times, and I
always like to to reiterate this.
It's not always
verbalizing,
vocally saying the words. Sometimes it's too difficult.
It's a text. It's a voice message because
you can say it as long as you're
not looking at them. Sometimes it's an email.
Sometimes it's just a sticky note on the
refrigerator. Whatever you gotta fucking do
to get the information out of your brain
and into their brain
so that they know
what's going on with you, you find a
way to do it. And if you've got
a partner who does not give
to Fox about knowing what's going on with
you,
that is information you need to take within
and do some deep thinking about because that's
very telling.
Especially when we're talking about
negotiated
power exchange relations where we're trying to have
this dynamic. And that doesn't mean that it's
romantic or sexual or you're about to get
married and spend 50 years together. But that
negotiated power exchange where you your 2 people
who are depending on one another for your
roles in some way,
each side of the slash should give a
fuck what's going on with the other one,
especially what's gonna interfere with your relationship, your
power exchange, your day to day life, however
you've, you know, you're set up, whatever you're
doing.
Yeah. Dom's, you should not be making assumptions
either. Mm-mm. They should just know I want
this done.
The fuck? Did you use your big kid
words and say this shit? Come on now.
I'm a said big boy and I was
like, no. That's an assumption. No. I mean
Yeah.
All doms of all genders can be shitty
at communication.
We're we're not
You're not perfect. I know. We're not perfect
and none of us are born
with the, you know, ability to communicate.
It's a skill.
Yeah. It's a skill. It's a skill. It's
a muscle that you need to exercise. And
based on how you were raised,
the life experiences you have, the things we'll
talk about in this the next section coming
up, the bad tapes, the triggers,
that can make it more difficult to do.
That can mean it takes you
more effort to do it. It takes you
longer to learn the skills and to unlearn
the shit you went through and to work
through all of that.
But that does not mean you get to
abdicate the responsibility
of working on your shit. Right? Like, yeah,
people did shit to you and they suck.
You're living in the here and now with
this other person
and you are responsible for how you handle
yourself.
And it's gonna be rough until it's not.
It's gonna kinda suck and be stressful
and scary and
hard
until it's not. And that until that length
of time is dependent on things that almost
nobody can control because it's the type of
partner you have. It's the skills they have.
I, once I felt safe, JB learned that
I will really tell you everything.
And that's wrong. Right. But what that
by me
strengthening
communication skills that I had, I was just,
I'd had it kind of like pushed out
of me and I never felt safe using
them. Once I felt safe, I got strong
enough to pull it out of him. I'll
be the first one to stand toe to
toe with him and call him on his
bullshit.
I know something's going on with you, and
it's impacting us. So you don't get to
just sit over there by yourself with it
anymore. When it's not impacting us and you
need to process and, you know, that's different.
But it's now affecting the us over here.
We're gonna talk about it. I can do
that because we trust one another. Mhmm. I
worked on my communication skills, and I have
dragged this man along. Okay?
He was really from from the beginning, he
was really good at communicating
power exchange and consent
and checking in with me and keeping us
as safe as possible.
But when it comes to his own feelings,
we're still working on that. Yeah. And we've
been together how long? Mhmm.
So it's gonna take the amount of time
it takes, but you don't get to, like,
just throw your hands up and go,
not my responsibility. Look how many years I
have to unlearn. True. Exactly. Yeah. Which leads,
if you don't have anything else you wanna
talk about, with assumptions right into our final
topic, which is
the biggest, baddest.
It's usually the toughest. It is the
thing that will fuck up your assumptions. It
might fuck up your frenzy. It'll it can
fuck up your mind. It'll fuck up everything.
It'll stuff. Fuck up a scene. We've been
there too.
So there's triggers in the psychological
sense of triggers. Yes. And then there's what
we call bad tapes.
So triggers are the things that when they
occur,
they bring you back usually, like, a PTSD
kind of thing. They bring you back to
a moment in time where you were traumatized,
and it's like you're in that moment again.
I get that with loud voices and yelling.
It's
yelling and anger specifically, but on a bad
day, just a loud voice will be enough,
and I'm like,
I'm not functioning well.
Bad tapes is an expression that JB taught
me. So please, JB, explain what a bad
tape is.
We do have an episode on it. Yeah.
God, it's been a while.
A bad tape is is something that you
have learned
that then becomes hard coded
in your
memory, your core
of of who you are
and then unfortunately
turns out to not be a good thing
that can cause you problems later on. Mhmm.
Alright?
I had pretty big share of bad tapes
when came into Lord, I've been trying to
be kind of rewind on those bad tapes
Yep. Since day 1. Yeah.
You know,
the bad tapes are are are one thing,
you know, yeah, they're
the the thing with the bad tapes is
they can be
erased and overwritten. Mhmm. Takes a while though.
Takes a while.
The bad
tapes you experienced
that you and I have
we still sometimes are working through it. Mhmm.
1 was financial.
He had gone through some stuff in a
previous relationship.
And when it felt like this felt similar
to what he'd gone through, he would react
as if he was it's a little bit
like a trigger in that sense. You you're
like, oh, I'm back here again. I know
what you're gonna do because I know what
they did. And I had to go And
it was because in in that in that
past relationship, when had financial problem, partner came
and said, well, you know,
it's all on you. You fig you you
figure it out. Can I tell you that
now that was that's been fascinating? So I
we're we don't like that person for many
reasons, and that's one of them. But,
the
strangeness
of we were going through I think it
was the 1st financial bullshit we went through.
Mhmm. And I was like, okay. So what
are we gonna do about it? And he
he went, we? I'm like,
yeah? Partnership?
Team?
Married? Like, what the fuck? Yeah. We. What
are we gonna do about this? We need
to sit down and figure this out. And
it's heartbreaking
when a person you love and adore
says
thanks you,
Literally said thank you to me for doing
what is the the basics of, like, decent
relationshiping.
Right? Like, I'm his fucking partner.
I like to eat too.
Anybody with eyes can tell. I will help
you fix this. We will figure this out
together.
Now, one of the things you always call
bad tapes, we're not going to go into
details because that's his personal business, I think
is a trigger.
So same relationship,
parenting step stepchildren,
shit went down. We're not talking about it.
The moment the oldest, the now 19 year
old child in college living on his own
as a fully functioning, mostly healthy young adult,
when that child hit his teens,
I know why some
animals eat their young.
This
loving,
kind,
decent man
was and I do mean I think you
were triggered.
And it
we had to all go through that together
where
I
was the I don't like being the mediator
between
them, but I was you were if it's
what you the time I'm thinking about There
were many times. Well, they're the one in
particular, but yeah.
But what we, again, did together
Yeah. For him to work through that was
he had to unlearn some stuff.
He had to see that I was not
like a previous partner.
He had to experience
what it meant to deal with that child
who was not
these other people from his past. And that
is a process that you can't skip over,
go around, go under, go you're going through
it. And it was it was hard for
everybody. Yeah.
The the thing that has been really gratifying
is that you made it through that. You're
a better parent for it. You have a
good relationship with the oldest, and this is
my favorite part,
when you can learn new things and actually,
like, have it stick. Yeah. It's made you
a better parent for the youngest. Youngest. Yeah.
So,
you know, those and the thing is with
bad tapes and triggers,
they're not gonna be power exchange specific
necessarily.
They can be. There is abuse, and there
are Mhmm. Traumas that occur in power exchange
that if you choose to do power exchange
again, you're gonna carry with you, and that's
gonna have to be worked through in some
way. But it's just the
the stuff of living. Like, it's and you're
gonna have to deal with it, and it's
gonna
get in the way sometimes of power exchange
when he
so and and I do not use the
term lightly. It
yelling in anger
is a trigger. Not every time, but man,
when it is, it's bad.
So it was an absolute delight to realize
that Italian families
stereotypically
and in the most cliche sense,
yell at one another and call it love.
The first time I walked into Just speak
loud. No. It's aggressive.
Okay?
As a person who hates conflict and confrontation,
who is
very upset by loud angry voices, that is
aggressive.
I don't always know the difference between aggressive
and anger.
So that was my dad.
It was very stressful to go
to that part of your family and just
be there. You experienced that a yeah. 1
yeah. And that was not anybody's problem. That
was my own problem. I have to handle
it myself. I gotta deal with it. My
you know, I gotta figure my way out
through it. But the first
time
we were living together, but it had to
have been fairly early days because we've
fought like regular people fight. Rarely, but we've
we've had bad ones. Yeah. The first I
don't remember what it was about. The first
real bad fight we ever had,
you yelled.
You would have probably told me you were
speaking
Italian in a loving way. Italianese.
But I know what being yelled at feels
like, and I
lost my shit. It it did not go
over to hell.
Everybody handles their own thing in their own
way, and there are times
when I get upset, whether it's a bad
tape or an actual, psychologically speaking, trigger, I
shut down, just complete shut
down.
Speaking, trigger, I shut down. Just complete shutdown.
Sometimes I melt down. And I
forgot I probably forgot my own name, but
I certainly forgot I was a submissive.
And I that was screaming. That was unhinged
if you walked into it with no context
and didn't know what I was going through,
and JB did not know what I was
going through. Mhmm. I was screaming. And was
I proud of it? No. Did I have
to apologize for it later? Yes. But did
we also, once we got through that moment
and the apologies were made and we were
back on an even keel, we had worked
through that moment.
Did we have to sit down and for
me to go,
oh, yeah.
I I thought that I was over this.
I thought we would never fight like this.
I didn't imagine
that you would do a thing that could
trigger me because
new relationship energy will lie to you. Yep.
Yeah. And if you are
the type of people who don't really argue
much or you certainly don't get into air
quote fights with a partner,
you might not notice certain things right away
because they're just not happening. Right? I've
created a life for myself
that it I tend to keep it low
key, low conflict, low confrontation.
I just like it that way. So I'm
not gonna have a partner who's picking fights
all day long because no. Thank you. Okay?
That is not the exposure therapy I'm going
through.
So for us to finally, after all this
time, we had disagreements. We had tiffs. But
to have like a
yelling match
where he was so pissed, he was actually
actually yelling.
And I
had that moment, you know,
that was a big deal but it wasn't
something I could prepare for. And I
did not had had I didn't understand until
that moment because of the things I'd been
learning about and, you know, information I've been
taking in, what was even happening. But the
moment it happened with him and then I
had to I I I understood what I
was going through. I realized I could think
back to all the times that had happened
in the past Mhmm. Because it's so out
of character the way I act Yeah. When
that happens to me. The shutdown's real not
strange to anybody else. Oh. Yeah. BG just
got real fucking quiet and is not looking
at anybody and has gone into a dark
room by herself.
Okay. Houston, we have a problem. But but
okay.
BG is screaming
like a maniac,
like
frothing at mouth screaming something,
is wrong.
And that's really rare for me.
And it's a thing that now I think
in all the years we've been together, I
think, twice, maybe, maybe times. And they were
like the worst fights we'd ever had, where
we were at our
mutually worst set. Not our best at all.
Some bad tapes triggers you will know you
have because you've had the experience.
Some will creep up on you. Mhmm. Some,
especially in a bad tape kind of situation,
I can't speak to triggers because I'm not,
like, medically qualified. But I know in bad
tapes, there'll be things you'll tell yourself. Well,
I'm over that. I know JB is not
like that motherfucker over there. And then you'll
find yourself in a situation, and you'll be
like, I remember what this feels like. I
know what and you go back to making
assumptions. I know what's gonna happen next.
You don't, though. It's a different person,
and, hopefully, it's a better person. It's power
exchange when probably the last time was fucking
vanilla anyway.
And you don't know what's gonna happen, but
your body and your brain sort of take
over and you react and respond like you
do, and now it's all going to shit.
And and I'm just gonna add add one
little quick thing to all this,
with the triggers and the bad tapes.
The the triggers and bad tapes, yeah,
absolutely.
But there's I I I think there's one
thing that should be added
to that little caveat. Okay. Landmines.
Yes. Okay? Which are a little bit like
bad tapes and triggers. They're they're they're like
bad tapes and triggers, but here here's what
what the thing is, you know, sometimes
you know what your triggers are. Alright? Many
people know what their triggers are, and that's
why they asked me to come through some
shit. You've gone through some shit.
We had a situation one time where
I hit a trigger that
neither of us knew about. No. Yeah. Okay?
And that's how I kinda termed it landmine.
Yeah. It's a little bit what it feels
like. Because in in in the middle of
the scene, stepped on it, and poof, everything
blew up. And it was surprising forever. And
it's Right. Yeah. You don't even know how
to respond because you didn't know that was
a you were gonna have to respond to.
So, you know,
the triggers, bad tapes,
landmines.
There there could very well be hidden triggers
somewhere. Mhmm. And and, you know, that's something
to be aware of.
Mhmm. Yeah. And, you know,
you can't prevent all of those things. No.
You know? You can you can be a
little bit like me and sort of set
your life up in a way that you
prevent most of them, but you can't prevent
all of them. Yeah.
So you have to do something about them.
So as the person who they're happening to,
if it's available to you and it's the
right choice for you,
working with a professional
to to do what you can
to get the you know, some level of
help to to
I don't wanna say deal with it. I
don't even wanna say work through it. I
don't know what the right expression is. But
but to not go through that part alone
and have somebody who's a professional
work with you on it Yeah. That if
that is an option for you, please please
take it. Mhmm. Absolutely. The best, like, 2
years of my mental health was when I
was in therapy.
And I got a greater understanding of myself,
and that was wonderful.
The
other than that, though, you were in this
relationship. This is a power exchange. And depending
on how your power exchange is set up,
there could be very strict
elements to it that Yeah. You each want
to follow kinda to the letter, and there's
a way that you each expect the other
to behave. And when bad tapes and triggers
and landmines
happen,
it will
often, maybe always, but definitely often throw you
completely out of your dynamic, whether it's for
30 seconds or if it's longer.
So
there's an aftermath. Right? There's after the screaming.
There's after the argument. There's after the whatever.
The amount of times I I will not
say the person's name, but his had a
bad tape, and I've looked at him and
gone, my name is not fill in the
blank with that person Yeah.
To kinda bring him out of it. Like,
woah. Woah. Woah. You're dealing with mean. Yep.
Not that one. Right?
There's the there's the moment, and then there's
when everything's calmed down. Right? Yeah. It's the
when things calm down enough that you do
need to talk about it. Oh, yeah. What
happened? Is there can I can I help?
Mhmm. Is there anything I can do for
you? Right. Is do we need to work
do we need to renegotiate
some element of what we're doing to avoid
this? Yeah. You know, do you need me
to call somebody for your like, you've got
to you've got to have a conversation. Right.
And and, you know, that's that's what we
did. Knew at the moment when it happened,
that was not the time to have the
the conversation. Nope.
I went in immediately into aftercare mode. Yeah.
Which was
usually a time when I'm, like, wave me
out
loud. Actually, if I recall both the times
that I can remember that I was,
by the definition of the word, triggered Yeah.
I I was so shocked
that I reacted that way because it is
so out of character. It's just not True.
True. True. That I think I shocked myself
back into
not not being triggered. I was still, like,
like, heart racing, like,
sighing and, you know, the ways that you
would sigh,
not just trying to breathe.
But, like, I didn't
I didn't know
what
the fuck to do. Mhmm. I it was
but I also was no longer angry.
Like, with the moment we both hit that
peak
and it exploded, I was like Whoop.
What the fuck were we just arguing about?
Because it can't possibly be that important. All
that shit's out the door right now.
Just a weird feeling if you've never experienced
it. Yeah. Yeah. And you do try you
go into daddy dom mode real real quick
when I'm the one freaking out. You do
go into
I am a strong independent woman, leave me
alone mode when it happens to you. And
I'm like, how can I help you, daddy?
Which look. Sometimes,
I am a submissive and I love being
submissive to the right person. Not forever, fucking
body. But sometimes, there are moments when it
sucks.
And it sucks
when you know that what your dominant partner
probably
would benefit from is comfort,
is help,
is something. Something that you, as their partner,
can give them. Now every partner of regardless
of flavor,
has the right to say,
please leave me alone. I don't want your
help.
We we all do. That's a consent thing.
But dumbs
get to be firm
in the
I'm fine, baby girl. Well, no the fuck
you're not.
But I respect consent.
Just let me know
when you need me, and then I'll just
glare at them talking to come here.
I I I give you a little inside
tips, missus.
When when they're
upset and you want to help and they
are not in a place where they want
you to help,
And you are respecting consent.
Sometimes, not always. It depends on the person,
but with JB, it works.
Daddy, I need a hug after that.
And then you get to provide comfort consensually.
And I do need a hug because I
wanna fucking comfort you and I can't. And
I wanna fix it and I can't. Sneaky.
That is from me. Me to you.
It's a sincere hug but
I don't do fake hugs because I only
hug you if I I'm like, I really
have to like you to hug you. But
yeah. The I feel like we're ending on
the darkest one. Mhmm. Because
new power exchange, you're excited. You're in your
power exchange. You've negotiated. You're probably if you're
the type that writes things down or does
contracts, you got a shiny new little contract
over there. It you wanna frame it. You
wanna run out to all your kink friends
and go, look. Look. We're you know? Like,
I like, I get it. And it's exciting,
and it should be exciting.
And before you can even get out of
new relationship energy and into old relationship energy,
you hit a landmine. Your partner's triggered. You're
triggered. You a bad tape, a memory, a
thing that you told yourself. I'm fucking over
that. That was that motherfucker. And I like
this motherfucker, so we it doesn't matter. It's
fine. Right?
And then it hits, and then doubts creep
in. And then Yeah.
The not wanting to talk about it might
creep in. And then the what's wrong with
me will creep in. Nothing's fucking wrong with
you. You went through some shit,
and you're remembering that. And you haven't had
enough
time or experience or experience or professional help
or whatever whatever it might be that you
need
to move through that feeling. Again, I don't
think there's a getting over anything. It's a
through. Right?
And I I can know and tell you
right in this second,
angry loud voices can be triggering for me,
and I can know that logically.
And I can and JB can know it
and can try do his best to avoid
that kind of thing,
and it can still happen. Now do I
recover a little quicker now than I did
5 years ago? Yeah. I'm more self aware.
I got better tools, whatever, whatever.
But I'm not there's no getting over that.
His bad tapes do not crop up near
as much at this point.
No.
But they can still happen because you'll find
yourself in a situation
that you didn't anticipate that you'd be in.
True. But because we've had enough experience with
one another and me help, you know,
lovingly bullying him through his bad tapes,
submissively, of course.
He can work through it a little faster
because we've we've kinda
got a short we say this a lot.
We've got a shorthand with one another. I'll
say something like, that sounds like a bad
tape.
Sometimes, I'll just quietly and with not any
attitude go, this isn't
that time, that moment, that person. And it
can sometimes be enough to jolt him. And
he's like, oh, okay, yeah, I'm back to
you.
And it's a form of communication that we've
developed. It's a form of conflict management that
we've developed. It's a form of conflict management
that we've developed.
It's a way we support one another
without fully trying to, like, take on each
other's
traumas and burdens and bad memories, trying to
fight each other's battles because we can't. I
can't make his memories go away. He can't
and we can't give each other better childhoods.
That shit has sailed.
So we just support one another through it.
But if we weren't
aware that it
could happen, like,
it can come as a surprise,
especially if you're in a situation where your
partner's triggered at or it's a bad tape
or it's a landmine. Pick a word. Right?
And they seem to be somebody you don't
recognize in that moment.
That that can be hard to deal with.
And that's a thing that you'll have to
work through yourself
while they're working through, and sometimes you can
do that together. Sometimes you see a side
of a person you didn't know existed and
you gotta make decisions. But, you know, in
mostly strong, mostly good, mostly healthy power exchange
relationships, you can sometimes lean into your dynamic
to work through it. And sometimes,
you put that shit on the shelf for
30 seconds
and just deal with the human being in
front of you, but you can grow stronger
together
through those times
as long as
you do your best
to be open and understanding and keep the
lines together. To be open and understanding and
and support one another. Right.
Right. Yep. So
we talked today about frenzy
Mhmm. Drop, assumptions,
and bad tapes.
And next time you hear one of us
refer to bad tapes, you'll know what the
fuck we're talking about. We get we do
get a lot of people who bad tapes,
you'll know what the fuck we're talking about.
We get we do get a lot of
people who who come in, like, these days
when we're in the 4 100, and they're
like, you said, what the hell is bad
tapes? And I don't mind explaining it to
somebody because I think it's a it's a
really useful way of looking at that stuff.
You know? The if you've ever had the,
oh, this person reminds me of that partner
kinda moment, and they aren't really like that,
but you're having that moment, that's a bad
date. Mhmm. Sometimes our picker is bad, and
we pick a carbon copy of the shitty
one we just had. That's
I've gone on different rants and different episodes
about that. That's a different conversation.
So that was just a memory.
Mhmm. So
yeah.
We started out real rough, but I feel
like we got there a little. I think
we did. I think we, you know, got
over that Turbulence. It was turbulence. Yeah.
And Lola. I'm I'm There's there's always a
little you know, sometimes on takeoff, there's always
a little. Takeoff and landing are the 2
parts I hate the most. Also flying over
the Rocky Mountains.
That helps. Haven't done that yet. Don't recommend.
Okay. No. Anyway, we are gonna go into
a bonus. Okay. So are we good? I
don't know. I don't know.
Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you
next week.
Tottie.
Yes, baby girl. Can I tell you what
I wanna tell you and talk to the
crickets?
Go ahead. Tell me what you wanna tell
me. I had to look at you and
stop my own breathing and almost sigh so
we could breathe together so we can get
that shit right.
Hi, y'all.
Oh my god. Didn't like it the way
it ended last week.
See, I feel like we ended that way
last week, and we had just kept on
going through the beginning of this the one
this week.
Yeah. X is, he loves flying over the
Rockies.
I Well, I don't know. He's got it
in the I know. And I'm I'm I'm
gonna take him at his word. He'll tell
me if he's being sarcastic.
I liked going to places
over the Rockies
from where I'm located.
But
that was
the first time
I was thankfully with somebody. I was with
my aunt and we held hands and I
who don't
believe in,
like, a god higher power kind of thing
was like, well, I'll talk to the universe.
Maybe the universe is listening because
call it prayer if you want, but I
gotta ask somebody
to get us through this. It was that.
It was I had I personally just never
experienced turbulence that bad. Now a frequent flyer
might have gone, oh, that that was mild
compared to
don't tell me that because I'll never get
on another plane again because that was the
worst turbulence I'd ever
experienced. And it was
I was terrified.
Now I, as an overly anxious human being,
not always a great flyer. I'm fine once
we're in the air. I really am flown
over the Atlantic how many times now?
Fine. But if it gets bumpy
or noisier than normal,
that's it. I'm broken out into a full
body sweat.
Full body sweat.
Oh god. Oh god. Nope.
Nope.
And yet, I like and now I will
respect the it's dark and people are trying
to sleep thing, but I like I get
a window seat every chance I get. I
like having the
window thing up.
Unless we're flying in a direction where the
full force of the sun is coming in
and we're all baking, then I'll put that
shit down.
I like looking out. Mhmm. I love
I
hate
heights. I
I needed to go up
to the second step of a step stool
the other day in the garage and almost
started crying.
So
Yeah.
I can tell you why. But
I so I do not like heights at
all.
But in an airplane,
somehow, I've convinced myself
that I feel safer there than anywhere else.
And I don't know how that's possible, but
whatever.
And I like to look out and look
at all of, like, the fields that look
like little teeny tiny postage stamps and the
cars that if you can even see them
depending on where you're at. Looks like dioramas.
Yeah. Like, yeah. I fucking love that shit.
Okay. So
we had to change the light out in
our garage because it's our shop, and the
thing had busted. And we were like, let's
put a new light in. It's old as
shit, ballast, fluorescent blah blah blah. We changed
the light out. But it's like on the
ceiling in the garage,
in the center of the fucking garage.
I don't like getting on ladders. I don't
feel stable. I know
that how easily I trip when both of
my feet are flat on the ground. I
don't trust myself
higher up.
And because it was in the center of
the room, there was no, like, wall to
lean against. There was nothing like if I
fell if I started falling, I could, like,
fling myself towards the wall and catch myself.
We were in the middle of the room.
And if I, as klutzy as I am,
managed to topple the stepladder and I don't,
put it past myself to somehow find a
fucked up way to do that.
I was going
either straightforward
over this bench with, like, there was the
utility knife
and the putty knives and the really sharp
scissors. And I was like, oh my god.
Or I was going back
straight into the AC blahdy blah thing and
the smoker that lives in the garage. And
I was like, either way, I'm going to
a hospital.
So
it was
step it was not like a little baby
inside the house stepladder. It was like a
like a a big kid's stepladder.
I wasn't even on the top step, but
we went up just to the second step.
I could envision falling,
put my hand on the ceiling, but I
it wasn't enough. I I couldn't do anything
because one hand had to stay on the
ceiling because somehow that was gonna keep me
from falling.
And that just left one hand out. That
was not I went, I don't think I
can do this. And he was like, get
off the damn step stool.
Okay.
I mean, I y'all, I almost sweat it
through my shirt. Got so nervous like it
was. But we got it done. We did
get it done.
Did did
did you have to do
all of the work
and twist yourself into, like, weird contortions
and get,
sealing dust in your eyeballs?
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because I was not
one bit of fucking help on that one.
I was moral support only. Now every time
anybody gets on the ladder, I get nervous.
Now why? I don't know. I've never seen
anybody fall off of 1. Everybody in my
life
that around formative years who would get on
the ladder was very safe. My dad taught
me ladder safety. I think that was the
problem. Teaching me ladder safety meant he had
to teach me what could go wrong. And
so
all I envision now is what can go
wrong. So while JB was on the ladder,
not even all the way up, like, he
didn't need to go I've seen him stand
on the very tippy top, like you're not
supposed to do. He didn't have to go
that high. He was but he was up.
But he was having to bend kind of
backwards and tilt his head back and get
up to the ceiling. It was all awkward.
And so I would stand there and watch
him and go, does he need anything? And
then I go, okay. If he falls that
way,
fling your body and try to, like, break
his fall. But you're like, I was I
was
planning I wasn't planning your demise, but I
was planning for the eventuality
that it might happen and what I can
maybe do
to prevent it.
And now
you have yet another example
of what happens in my brain. You're welcome.
There's my side for that one.
Silence said, I don't even like going up
the attic steps ladder thing. No. You could
nope. I won't go up that thing. That
thing sounds like it's falling apart.
The first step you take.
I hate the attic pull down nope.
Nope.
Last
Christmas season, was it? We had the oldest
help us. Yeah. Because the oldest
is very slender,
very light,
and he can fit in tight spaces.
So we were like, you you you and
JB was still dealing with, like, your back
or whatever. Yeah. So we're like, you get
that stuff up into the attic because this
is where Christmas stuff lives.
And
somehow I was a little less nervous for
him.
Is miss Lola gonna start again? Please don't.
Please please let us be done first.
But yeah. No. I don't do that. I
wouldn't you couldn't pay me to go in
the attic. Anyway, first of all, I'm sure
something's crawling around up there. It might just
be a bug, but this is Florida. Our
bugs get huge and most of them fly.
2, is Florida right now, this time of
year, too fucking hot. Like, even when we
got, like, our AC done a couple years
ago,
the only time they would go up to,
like, do the duct work was, like, at
Early in the morning. 7 o'clock in the
morning. And even then, it was already
crazy hot. I mean, you know, the the
attics down here can very easily get up
to a 120, 130 degrees. Yeah. It's not
safe at certain times No. Of the year,
times of the day.
But yeah. No. I'm not getting I'm not
getting on the ladder. Nope. I
for that brief
window of time where I was fully single
living on my own with just the kids,
I had
a baby step stool that was one step
that I think we might still have it.
It's out in the shop. Right. That one,
I could do.
Only that one. It takes you, what, like,
8 inches off the ground of that? Mhmm.
That one. Now did it have to be
right next to a wall so I could
brace myself? Yes. Yes. It did.
Just saying.
Oh, god. Palmetto bugs are Yeah. Oh, they're
so that that's the big flying bugs that
Florida gets. Mhmm. They oh, god. And if
if they're carrying
their babies with them
I don't know what's worse. The spider
with her babies on them or the palmetto
bug with its babies on. I think it's
the palmetto bug because that fucker flies.
That fucker flies.
How why do I keep saying I'm a
Florida girl and I wanna live here?
You tell me. I mean, you I know.
Well, at this point, I'm
sucks to suck. We're here while the oldest
goes to college in the state. I would
not move out of Florida right now with
him still in college and needing us. Like,
no. No. No. I'm here. I'm here. You
need me just too much right now.
I was thinking Yeah. You know, yeah, as
much as it's sometimes a hassle to drive
to Gainesville, at least we have a back
road we can take that's pretty open. Mhmm.
And I was thinking
this would
Lola agrees. Mhmm.
But I'm I'm grateful that,
you know, he didn't go to Tampa.
I know that would suck for the drive.
That would suck for the drive. He would
he would have just had to, like, get
used to everything being delivered to his ass.
He,
got his financial aid package from the school
for the,
fall semester,
fully covers his tuition, covers his rent, covers,
like, 90% of his bills.
So he has extra, you know, extra money
on top of that, and he puts some
in savings. And he's like, I need a
desktop. My laptop is from when I was
a freshman in high school, and it was
a cheapie then. So this is not doing
what I needed to do for school. And
he called he called me and he was
like, I actually am asking for your opinion.
I want to know what you think, which
clear communication. Usually, he does not actually wanna
know what I think. I am his mother.
Sometimes I will shoehorn,
actually wanna know what I think. I am
his mother. Sometimes I will shoehorn in an
opinion, but most of the time I wait
for him to ask. And he did. He
was like, do you think this is a
good decision? And I was like, yes. And
here's what I think of blah blah blah.
And he,
rejected the one thing I said he should
probably do.
That's fine. He's a grown ass adult.
But he had it shipped to us because
it's coming in a big box, and he's
off at class most days in his apartment
complex.
We've been on alert all day. It's supposed
to arrive today and needs a signature,
and it's a whole family affair. So it
was supposed to arrive between 3 5, and
I was like, nothing we have Ever arrives
at times. Yeah. No. It's usually between, like,
6 and 8, sometimes as late as 9.
So the whole family this has been a
team operation. We are streaming and recording and
doing our thing tonight. So the youngest
has his bedroom curtains open so he can
watch the street. So if a delivery truck
stops anywhere near our house, his job is
to text me because please do not get
it twisted. That child is not go gonna
answer the doorbell and sign his name. Okay?
I would barely do it.
That's why I have a daddy doll.
So we've been on the alert waiting for
my text message to go off. It has
not so far. That tells me that either
he forgot to look out his window or
they have not arrived yet. But then we
will
sign for tonight or collect it tomorrow if
they do that thing where they pretend to
knock and didn't and just leave the sticker.
No sticker. Okay. That's what I just wanted
to do.
I mean, our UPS
I
love our UPS people and also feel really
bad for them. Sometimes they're still delivering at
9 o'clock or in this neighborhood. Yeah.
So it's possible it could come that late.
But then we will carry it to the
oldest tomorrow because he has a concert. And
this concert is the one we learned last
year is the longest of the year because
it's both big bands playing.
He is in the 2nd big band that
plays, but it's both.
And so we're gonna go to that concert.
We're gonna go to his performances this year
because we're close enough we can. We also
decided we're taking Friday off. What's wrong? Oh
my gosh. Did she hurt herself? That little
spot on top of her head. Did it
come open? Yep. Oh my gosh. She doesn't
look like she's in distress. No. Podcast listeners,
y'all don't
I'm so sorry.
And YouTube folks, all you can see is
me looking worried.
Lola has a little spot on her head
that opened up. I won't go into details.
It's not gross, but some people are squeamish.
She's not in distress. No. I bet it's
from all her rubbing her head on her
cot. I believe we are more distressed than
she is. Right. She's She she's she's doing
this on my leg because she wants pets.
She would like your attention, please.
So,
yes, we're going to a concert Thursday night.
Mhmm. I will probably work Friday, but nobody
is getting up on a with an alarm
for us. Because it'll easily be midnight before
we even rock back up to the house.
Last year, the first time we went, we
had no idea what to expect. Mm-mm. We
got home so late, and I still tried
to get up and work the next day.
I was miserable. So here's what's funny. I
get the concert,
schedule,
because I know where to go and not
wait for the child to tell me. Yeah.
And I look and I go, oh, shit.
The first concert the September concert, it's both
bands. And normally, it's not. They have their
own concert on their own night, but this
first one, they do on the same night.
And it's a very long concert with, like,
a 30 minute intermission. It's so fucking long.
And I'm like, I want us to go.
I wanna support the kid. I wanna get
to be a band mom. Like, I I
want that. And I'm trying to talk to
JB, and he's just looking at me with
dread. And I'm thinking, am I gonna have
to go by myself? And I don't like
to drive at night anymore. I'm
I don't know. And so finally,
oh my lord, Lola's shaking the table.
And finally,
I've I've came upon the magic words. I
said, look, we work for our fucking selves.
We have the livestream Friday night, 9:30 PM
EST on YouTube, September 20th.
But why don't we just not work on
Friday? Don't we don't have to wake up
early. We just we just plan our week
knowing we won't, like, be doing anything major
on Friday. Yeah. And then he was like,
okay. I was like And and silent asked
if it was gonna affect the hangout on
Friday. Mhmm. No. Not at all. No. You
know, Thursday night, as long as we we
have you know, as long as we can
sleep in the next morning, it'd be fine.
Yeah.
So yeah. So I'm excited about going to
the concert. Mhmm. I hope we get the
child's he hopes we get the his desk
top. Yeah. I was like, I guess we'll
carry it to you this weekend if if
we we can't on Thursday. Mhmm. Which, again,
it's not that bad. It's not that bad
of a drive. No.
So yeah.
Yeah. That's been us. Yeah. We have we
can't talk about too much or whatever. We're
gonna talk about Friday night. That's right. We'll
talk about when was the last time we
talked about pie and our our stance on
pie? Pie. It's been a while. Pie. Pie.
We we have been known multiple times now,
but sometimes with a poll, to have the
great bacon debate, if you would like to
join us for that on Friday. The the
bacon debate is not Kevin or Frank. It's,
it's,
crunchy or chewy.
You mean Francis?
Frank.
The moment I said it, I was like,
oh, I should have said sir Bacon, but
I was close, and I knew who I
meant, and you knew who I meant. So
therefore, it was clear communication.
Well, you know, I I think
bacon needs to be kicked to the curb
for the time being. Mhmm. You know, we
we are in fall season.
Supposedly.
Suppo well,
the rest of the country is except for
us.
But,
you know, there there there are 2 big
contenders
that happen this time of the year. Okay.
You know, apple pie,
Pumpkin pie? Apple. Apple or Pumpkin pie spice?
Yes. Pumpkin flavored shit? Yeah. You were very
lucky. I
got sent into Aldi this week in the
middle of the week, which we don't usually
do. We get our groceries on the weekend.
We don't go to the store again.
But I had to go. And I walked
past the bakery section and they
had pumpkin bread. Now, I'd already had their
pumpkin
cake roll with the cream cheese filling, which
was delicious, by the way. But this was
their pumpkin bread in the same vein as
banana bread. Right? I almost bought it. And
then I stopped myself. We didn't need it.
It's fine.
I had to buy bacon, actually, and avocados
instead.
But yeah.
I like pumpkin
pie flavors. I like pumpkin
in things.
I am not a pumpkin pie girly.
It's the texture for me. Okay. It's not
the flavor's fine. It's the texture.
Apple pie? Yes.
K.
But, see, I'm used to we didn't do
this when I was a kid because it
was like just a few of us. But
then when my mom after my dad died,
my mom and my mom remarried. She remarried
into a very traditional
southern family, which was a culture shock for
us because while we are southern, we were
never traditional. Okay?
These are the who are your people, what
church do you go to kind of southerners,
if you know, you know.
And so you didn't just get
an apple pie and a pumpkin pie. You
got a dessert buffet?
Mhmm. And so, yes, pumpkin pie and apple
pie and pecan pie
and chocolate cake. That's not a pie.
Pecan pie is delicious.
It's also great if you just want a
quick sugar high.
You got chocolate cake and also a German
chocolate cake. There was usually competing chocolate cakes.
Somebody had brownies. Somebody brought cookies. Sometimes, the
whoever was hosting did all of that, and
then other people like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So
it's never just been a choice for me
between the pumpkin and the apple.
No.
Anyway Anyhoo. Yep. All of that. We can
we can do the great pie debate on
Friday as well. And and silent, yeah, we
can't talk about every night, but we started
the debate and we will end it Friday.
No. It'll just be around 55 or something.
Certain debates just are ongoing and can never
be fully solved.
That's true.
Except the bacon one because the last the
last time we debated that, I won, and
I knew I was right. Crunchy is the
superior bacon.
Anyway Anyhoo. We'll talk about that on Friday
probably, except if we forget
Right. And we find something else to talk
about. Mhmm. So with with that, if you
somehow managed to stick around to this bitter
end, we appreciate you more than you know.
Mhmm. This is gonna be one of those
episodes I walk away going, oh my god.
I can't believe I said that. Mhmm. Pick
a that, any that. Any that. Yeah.
So yeah. Thanks. K. Thanks for being here.
Mhmm. We appreciate you.
We will hopefully talk to you on Friday.
If not, we'll be back next week. Yeah.
Okay. Alright. Bye. Bye.