You're listening to Loving BDSM
podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the
only other guy who gets this sweet little
smile when he hears his dog, John Brownstone.
Tell me why I get a sweet smile
when I hear my baby girl. Somehow I
don't believe that. I I feel like those
smiles are 2 different expressions.
Well, you know. Just is I feel pretty
certain of that.
Lola's got the innocence of being a dog.
True.
I know how to get under your skin
better than anybody on this planet. And push
buttons and Not on purpose, though. That's true.
That's true. You don't. You don't do it
intentionally. You're not an intentional button pusher, but
you But I'm expert level. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
For sure. For sure. That's not what we're
talking about. No. I was like, no. No.
This week, we're answering a question from a
submissive who wants to get back to a
more primal CNC, sadomasochistic
way of playing with their partner, but old
memories from another relationship are holding them back.
Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast. If you're
new here, we help kinksters like you have
happy, healthy power exchange relationships.
Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app
so you never miss an episode. And if
you'd like us to answer your question in
a future one of these, use the contact
page on our website. It's literally labeled ask
your questions. Our website's at lovingbdsm.net.
Or
if you have a show notes page that
actually shows you links, it's there too. So
lovingbdsm.net
or the show notes page. Okay. Let's get
right into the question. And it is a
long one, but I felt like all of
it was important for context. So here we
go. Alright. Let's, rock and roll. How do
I rekindle the sadistic spark in my kinky
nesting relationship and move past some difficult associations
these kinks carry for me? Hello. I'm a
32 year old submissive masochistic woman in a
lovely long term relationship with my husband and
dominant. I'm poly, but not dating anyone else
right now. Our relationship has kink and d
s sprinkled in among the other things we've
poured into it for the last 12 years
of building our life together. We're very compatible
and we explored kink from when we first
began dating in our twenties.
Probably due to new relationship energy and how
much simpler life was back then, we did
a lot more robust and brutal s and
m of a primal consensual nonconsent variety.
I really love this, partially because I have
a very busy ADHD brain, and I find
that being overpowered and overwhelmed with the right
kind of sensations and words lets me be
in my feelings rather than a superhighway of
thoughts. I'm very pliable and servile when I'm
in subspace, and lucky for me, my husband
loves holding and directing that power.
There have been two factors that have led
to a tapering off of our more sadomasochistic
play over time. The first is that life
is very full now. We have old relationship
energy and more on our plates. The romance
sex in DS are still there. We've speculated
that because we know one another so well,
it can be hard to delve into more
role play style C and C or torture
scenes where we're still us but there's a
bit of quote acting.
The familiarity of our own home might even
be a factor.
The second factor is a bad experience I
had with a shitty sadist dom a few
years ago. He wasn't abusive during scenes. Indeed,
he was very controlled and intense.
He connected through sadism in a way neither
of us had felt in some time. Even
back then, I observed that part of what
facilitated the intensity of our scenes was that
we weren't embedded in one another's lives, so
there was anticipation and, for me, the feeling
of being out of my element when I
visited his home.
One day he, do newer sadist Dom, revealed
that he had lied about a lot. He
dumped me almost instantly, and I never saw
him again. It had been a year of
dynamic, so I was very shocked and hurt.
But it turns out that I'm not the
only woman he's done this to. It took
me a while to get over
being discarded by a dom I trusted, but
I've healed in most ways. However, there's a
lingering association I still have between certain sadistic
acts and him. And sadly, it's the primal
CNC torture style
of play I want to rekindle with my
husband.
This stuff isn't triggering like a reminder of
abuse, but it's almost like those kinks were
last done with him, had all those intense
DS feelings poured into them, and then there
was betrayal and abandonment without any closure.
I've discussed all of this with my husband
who is very supportive and wants me to
find closure first and foremost, but also wants
us to spark up this style of s
and m, c and c play again if
possible.
These interests existed long before the shitty sadist
dom. I'd like for them to stop being
something I flinch away from because I fear
that the intensity of those circumstances
is something I can't create anew with my
husband and that it's not an option for
me anymore. The thought of that saddens me
deeply.
I'm confident that I'm doing this for the
right reasons, but then my anxiety kicks in
and tells me I'm using kink to cope
with the fallout of shitty sadistam
even though I'm not. I just wanna reclaim
what was already mine to begin with. I've
been to therapy and have a good grasp
of my mental health. I'm looking more for
pointers about framing, actions, and even rituals to
reclaim and respark.
Wow. Mhmm.
Yeah. That's that's a lot. It is it's
a lot. I like that this person has
put a lot of thought into it, is
very self aware, clearly has done the introspection
Absolutely. Kinda know what is happening and even
why. Yeah. Now it's that okay, but what
do we do about it part that can
be so difficult.
So the hard part is I don't think
there is just a, oh, just do these
2 or 3 things and ta da. No.
It it there isn't because,
I mean, wow.
After a year, 6 months
of which was the dynamic,
you know, to just be like, nope. I
lied about everything. I'm out of here. Gone.
You know? Poof.
That is a huge betrayal of trust.
So I can definitely understand
where their head is at, where they're coming
from with this. Okay? Because, yeah, that's a
huge
breach of trust.
And and even though it
did not come from her
husband,
her her has has hasdom,
you know,
it's still there
Right. To this person. Yeah. The familiarity
of the the scene and the scenario is
enough
to go back into a headspace that Right.
Yeah. So, you know, one, I would certainly
say they talk about that they are in
therapy
or have been to therapy. Right.
Hopefully, it's a kink aware. That would certainly
make life a little easier. You know, it
would make a life life a little bit
easier
and,
you know, maybe bring some of this up
to the therapist.
Right. And if if your therapist is not
kink aware
or you don't even want to go through
the energy of trying to find out, maybe
talk about
what your anxiety is doing to you so
that Mhmm. You you know rationally
that this is not a thing that's happening,
but your anxiety is like, oh, look at
you. You're just using Yeah. You know, kink
in a way that's not not good.
That's an internal thought process that's coming from
somewhere. You know?
Anxiety being it. But, like, sometimes that the
mean
voice in our head is a is a
person who who
treated us badly in the past or somebody
in our formative life who just said enough
of the wrong things, and now they're the
voice stuck in our head. Yeah. So even
if you can't talk to your therapist about
the actual kink part,
maybe talk to them about how your anxiety
is intruding, and maybe there are some tips
and tricks that they can offer to help
you work through that.
The thing that came to my mind, because
I don't think
that I don't think that there is a
perfect solution to this. Mhmm.
A couple a few things. 1,
we all want closure, and we aren't all
always going to get it. Yeah. I know.
Not, I think, in the way most of
us envision what closure might be. I think
there is more acceptance and then a you
never
forget. You never, you know, quote, get over
it necessarily, but you move on from it.
Mhmm. And you might not be quite at
that point. You're clearly along the path, but
maybe there's just a little bit more time
that needs to pass.
But
a couple things
that came to mind.
1,
if it's available to you,
can you get out of your house and
can you get an Airbnb
or a hotel room or you know, there
are kinky Airbnbs.
You mostly have to look, like, through Google
and FetLife. You're not gonna find it on
Airbnb
usually saying we're the kinky one. Yeah. But,
you know, is it possible several that have
popped up here in Florida recently. It's given
me business ideas. I just don't have time
or resources. Yeah.
So is it possible that maybe not right
now, not immediately, but you can plan for
a future getaway trip
where
you can get out of the comfort of
your own home and get into that part
of the head space of, this I'm not
familiar with this, this. I don't know what
could happen here because I've never been in
this space.
I don't think it has to be a
kink dedicated space, but I think that the
comfort level of knowing
this space is designated for kink might take
some some pressure off. Mhmm. You're not too
worried about damaging a place that's built for
wild things to happen.
But maybe a hotel room. Maybe a who
knows? Right? Yeah. Is there a way you
and your husband can get away
for a night, a weekend, a whatever, and
get some level of privacy
to scene in that way again? So you
get out of your room, your bedroom. Now
here's here's another thing I thought of alone,
and that that's a great thought, because sometimes,
you know, you just need to step away
from things. But now, here's here's another layer
to add to that, maybe. You know, when
you've seen with this other Dom, you know,
I'm I'm sure you had certain scenes that
you that you did that were done. Maybe
what you need to do
is come up with some different scenes
in the same vein,
so
it it's not that. It's different enough. It's
different enough that it's not, you know, bringing
you back to those memories. Right, and it
it, you kinda wanna turn a page and
do something maybe you've never done before. Right.
It will probably take a lot more planning
than your typical thing. You might have to
do some more research. It might take longer
to make happen. Yeah. But, yeah, do do
something that you're like, we I've never done
this with anybody. Mhmm. So there's no memories,
at least, of the activity
attached to another part of it. Yeah. I
think that's a good idea. Mhmm. Another one,
and this is the boring
idea. Uh-oh. But in my experience with, like,
all parts of life,
the boring ideas tend to actually work.
And that is
instead of
thinking about planning, trying to execute a full
on torture, primal, CNC scene,
are there small things that you and your
partner can negotiate
now, like, outside of the moment
that
you would be willing to allow to happen
so that your partner can, when the timing
is right,
do something that's a little primal c and
c,
maybe even torture you on a very small
level.
Not for a full on scene.
Maybe and, you know, you can you have
to know yourself here of how much surprise
you can handle.
But
I have a feeling that part of what
you need
is to remember what it feels like when
your
husband,
that dominant partner,
sort of catches you unaware. Mhmm. I'm I'm
using this term in the the kinky CNC
way, scares you. Right? Yeah. So instead of
trying to do this real big elaborate thing,
what's a small thing?
Is it one of those things where, you
know, at at the certain specific right time,
you know,
he could be like, run.
And the point is not who knows what's
gonna happen at the end, but if chasing
is part of your thing, you run and
you play catch Yeah. In a kinky way,
or he bends you over something, or he
would you know, gets real close in your
ear and says a thing that doesn't even
lead to action, but is
the right words to hit your personal buttons
Mhmm. And you slowly work up to more
and more things, I think that is where
you will gain more confidence Right. In remembering
what it feels like with that kind of
play from
this partner that you're with that you wanna
get back to. And it's, you know, it's
not necessarily as fun, exciting
as whatever
as an hour long scene where you're wiped
out at the end. Mhmm. But sometimes it
doesn't have to be to remind yourself of,
oh, wait. That's right. This is what this
feels like
without the pressure and the memories of shitty
sadist domino. Now something I I just thought
of, maybe it's maybe it's something, maybe it's
not, but, you know, hey.
Improv. Sounds like my personal nightmare, but sure.
Other people handle it really well.
Well, I I guess what I'm saying is,
you know, a lot of times
people plan out Mhmm. A scene. Mhmm. Okay?
You know, and and you may be thinking,
oh, well, you know, I wanna plan out
this scene, you know, that it it's gonna
involve some CNC, it's gonna involve Carmel, you
know, it's gonna involve this.
Maybe that's not the way to go right
now.
Depending on the type of of relationship you
have with your husband,
you know, what if you just said, you
know, or a playtime was set up
without really
choreographing
a scene. Set the boundaries.
Mhmm. And then the rest just happens as
it happens. And let the rest happen as
it happens.
Mhmm.
Okay? And maybe, you know, that could be
Especially if you as the submissive are getting
stuck in your own head,
so then it's harder to plan a scene.
It's harder to negotiate. Let's let's do this
kind of scene.
If the communication and trust is there and
you know that at any point, you can
wave the white flag or your partner will
check-in or whatever your ways of trying to
mitigate risk are,
and you feel comfortable enough with that. Right?
Yeah. I think I think the sort of
the surprise of it happening in the moment
knowing that there are there are boundary lines,
like, you've you've put up the fence line.
Your boundaries are your boundaries regardless. Yeah. And
you know what could happen within that, but
you're
assuming your dominant is willing. Right. But he's
controlling the action, and all you have to
do is react with knowing a few less
details.
If that spikes your anxiety, don't. Don't. Don't.
Don't. Don't. Don't. But if it's intriguing, again,
I think it goes back to sometimes things
are intriguing, but it's it feels like a
step too far. I think you can do
that,
and within that, do something very small
just to get that muscle memory back of,
oh, yeah. That's what this feels like, or,
oh, wow. I wasn't expecting it now. And
then you do get the heart racing thing,
and you get the, you know, not quite
choreographed reaction. Yeah. You know? And it's your
honest reaction,
and you know that, hey. If, you know,
we have our signal in place. If if
this is this was the wrong move, I
can stop it right here kinda thing. Mhmm.
Mhmm. But, yeah, I think
look. Role play is my personal nightmare.
Improv is just another level that, oh oh,
no. But if that appeals,
especially the superhighway of thoughts and the ADHD
brain that can go, you know, a 1000000
miles a minute, I do relate there.
I think, yeah, if that resonates, I think
that that could certainly be a way where
you definitely don't have control over this.
And you're doing this with a trusted partner
who has your best interest at heart, but
also probably knows how to push all of
your buttons.
I'm just saying. Yeah. I think that's a
good idea too. Okay.
Anything else that you would you would add?
Good. Yeah. So
talk to your therapist about that anxiety spike
if if that's an option.
Start small. Do some improv. Get out of
the house. Again, some of those are long
term goals. You might have to save up
for it. You might have to plan and,
you know, schedule time off, whatever, but that
can be part of the anticipation too because
you can talk about all of your ideas.
You can do the small things around your
own home in the safety of home and
then have that big trip planned, and who
knows what might happen. Mhmm. But, also,
as you're going about this and you're trying
to find the different ways to
move this forward,
try not to put too much pressure on
yourself. This is a time thing. You were
abruptly
left brokenhearted
and betrayed. Right? Like, that's not a thing
that you just shrug off the next day.
Most people can never just shrug something that
like that off. That's a time thing. And
I imagine that the fact that you're back
to this point of wanting to do these
things again
shows just how much the healing process has
happened. It may just be you need a
little bit more time. So I'm gonna say
the dreaded p word. It is a word
I hate most of all. Sometimes it just
requires patience. But in the meantime,
do small things. Do different things. I when
when you said, just do something you never
did with that guy,
that was like, yes. Mhmm. Yes. Because sometimes
it's that association
of, but I know I like this, so
I did something like that with both, even
if it was a different kind of scene.
Right? Similar sensations or similar experiences,
change it up. Do something completely different. Mhmm.
Hopefully, some of that
is helpful.
I mean, take what resonates, reject the rest.
Mhmm. That that's all you can ever do.
So True. Hopefully, you can get back to
some, torture y, primal y, CNC play. Fun
fun stuff. So this is impossible. Right.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the
show notes. Big thanks as always to our
kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to
do this podcast and keep it going and
help kinksters due to your support. If you'd
like to be part of our community and
get access to extra content and a Discord
server with a group of super cool, super
nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join
us at patreon.com/kayla
lords. That's patreon.com/kayla
lords or use the link in the show
notes.