You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lords here with the one, the only, the
you're looking so good like a damn snack.
John Brownstone.
Wow. I know.
Thank you. I don't know what I do
with that attitude, but it's there. It's there.
It it it's cool. I believe you might
be blushing. It's it's kind of adorable.
For all for all the the making JB
blush, this this week's actually kind of a
serious topic, so I'm not gonna I'm not
gonna get too crazy. This week, we're answering
a question from a kinkster who doesn't want
to interact with a certain member of their
local community,
but that person seems to be everywhere.
This episode does have a content warning for
a brief, brief, brief mention of suicide, abusive
behavior, and sexual coercion. No details are shared,
but it's it's mentioned as part of the
question,
could come up as part of the conversation,
so just take care of yourself.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're
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show notes page.
Okay. Let's get into
the question.
I started going to munches and vendor fairs
in late 2022
and moved on to play parties almost every
weekend from January to June in 2023.
I loved finally being able to go to
these events and meeting like minded people. I
wanna start going back to community events after
leaving for financial and mental health reasons, but
I'm facing an obstacle.
There is this person who I will name
Greg, not his real name, who I do
not want to be around. At the beginning
of my kink journey, I met him at
a munch and at some play parties and
he ended up inviting me to a small
local group that he was in charge of.
It was a good time and I met
my dom at this event. Fast forward a
few months
and Greg goes through a very public breakup
on FetLife. His ex partner exposes some information
about him, including his manipulative, coercive, and destructive
behavior.
Some of his offenses include threatening to kill
himself,
forcing his ex partner to keep important information
from their family, punching holes in the walls,
guilting them into having sex when they did
not want to, and starting a relationship with
someone barely 18 while he's almost 30.
I was was appalled when I heard this
and they still post about each other on
FetLife.
Since I was not involved in their relationship,
I have no way of knowing if all
of this is true, but I am inclined
to believe the victim. Anyway,
since then, it has come out that he
is getting involved with the board of the
local community and increasing his presence at all
events even in the smaller communities.
He has tried to reach out to me
twice and I have ignored both.
How can I start going to events again
when he seems to be everywhere?
I do not want to run into him,
but I know that is almost impossible.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's,
that's tough. That is tough.
And,
you know, I'm not even sure how I
would
I don't think there's an easy answer. There
is there isn't. You have this community that
you want to be a part of again
and you know that, air quote, Greg, is
probably going to show up. It is either
a
try to find community outside of that area
or Mhmm. Find a way to
make peace with yourself
with the fact that you are going to
come across him. Now
seeing him does not mean you have to
interact.
True.
A couple of things come to mind, and
whether you do this or not depends on
your comfort level,
your own mental health, because you gotta protect
it, and what kind of person, air quote,
Greg is.
But one option is to just have a
conversation with him. You do have a history
of knowing him and being around him, and
you can say, look. I saw what went
down on FetLife.
I did not like what I saw.
My opinion of you has changed, and I
just don't want to be a part of
what you've got going on.
That one I would caution with how how
do you think, you know Right. He might
react because some people get volatile, and you
don't need to put yourself in that position.
The other thing might be
to talk to other community leaders of these
events and munches
and whatever else that are being organized, and
let them know about your discomfort if if
they are the type of people you can
talk to.
And, you know, ask, you know, were they
aware of what went down? What mitigation have
they put into place for a person who
may be a, you
know, abusive,
coercive human being. Mhmm.
And,
you know, those are imperfect. I don't think
there is a a perfect solution. No. There
isn't.
I mean, you know, one of the things
I I thought about too was, you know,
could
start their own munch. Could. You absolutely could
do that. You know, I mean, that that
would be one option,
you know, and,
you know,
but then again that, you know, that that's
okay for them for a month, you know,
but then there's still the thing, you know,
you wanna do the parties, you wanna do
the different fairs and different things like that.
You know, I part of it is it
comes down to do you feel unsafe? Because
there is a difference between
being in a room with somebody and interacting
with somebody. True. There will be times where
maybe you are at the same event
because it's open to everybody in your community
and it was something you wanted to attend,
they're gonna be in the same room. There
is no requirement that you interact with that
person. If somebody tries to encourage you to
interact with that person, you can simply say,
no. That's that's not a person I interact
with. They'll take that information or leave it,
but you don't have to justify yourself if
you don't want to.
You know, if their ex partner is somebody
you are friends with,
maybe talk to them and see how they're
handling it. You know? If they have
found a way to work within their own
community and go to events and,
you know, feel
as safe as possible Mhmm. Knowing that this
person is around, maybe they have some
advice for you. Maybe they have somebody you
can talk to that they've talked to. Like,
hey. I reached out to this community organizer,
and they had some good solutions for me.
Now that's a sensitive thing. They don't need
to do labor on your behalf. But if
you have a friendship of sorts, you you
know, you can check-in and go, hey. Can
can we talk about this?
But I think it depends on the
events as well. If it's an open to
everybody, it's a vendor fair, it's a big
community meetup where you're talking 50, 60, a
100 people. Mhmm. You know,
I I get not wanting to be around
them, but there's
as long as you feel safe, there is
a difference between being around them and interacting
with them. Mhmm.
It's also possible that maybe you, you know,
form, if you don't already have, a closer
group of a small core community that are
your close friends, and y'all have play parties.
People have play parties all the time, and
they do not invite everybody. Right. So maybe
you, you know, need to make some connections
with folks who maybe aren't fans of air
quote Greg either,
you know? True. True. True.
And, you know, I
I you know, another thing I thought of
in this and I'll I'll carry out it
after I I said what I'm
about to say, you know, in some cases,
because I I knew
back in the community I was part of
years ago, there was a person in the
community who had some questionable behavior,
and, the community leader actually
allowed them to come to munches, wanted them
to come to parties because that way they
could keep an eye on them,
you know, in case there were any any
problematic
behavior.
Is is that the case here? I don't
know, you know, especially with the fact with,
you know, talking about how he's here Getting
involved with the board. Involved with the board.
Yeah. You know, so that
To me, that's a that's a conversation
if you have connections to other people on
that local board about if they if they
know Right. What their thinking is. Unfortunately,
sometimes
you have that conversation
and you find out that they know and
they don't care,
and then that's when you rethink your connection
to that community. You know? If you're in
an area where traveling
to another community is feasible and is something
you're willing to do, that is an option.
Now you are going to come across
people with who do bad acts in any
community. This one is different because you did
have a personal connection and you you know
the details that were being shared, and that
that that makes a difference for sure.
But I also
don't want you to have to diminish
your enjoyment and
interaction with the community because somebody else is
a bad actor.
So yeah. If any connections you have to
local community members who are on a board,
who organize a munch, or whatever whatever,
you know, if you can talk to them,
that that would be one of the things
I definitely would do. Again, though, I think
I think there's nothing wrong with telling,
air quote, Greg, that
you saw what went down on FetLife. You
do not really want to have you know,
you don't have anything to do with them.
Mhmm. If we happen to be
at the same event, you're not going to
interact. Again, you have to feel safe to
do that.
But if you're the type of person who
would have that kind of conversation,
you know, I I don't think that would
be a bad idea necessarily,
because,
you know,
presumably,
air quote, Greg is trying to sort of
tap into your former relationship.
I I don't mean relationship, like, intimate, but,
like, you knew each other.
You know? And if you feel safe enough
doing it
because who knows if people in your community
are giving it to him straight and saying,
you fucked up and you've got to, you
know,
earn trust back in community, and and you've
gotta prove yourself. And I don't have to
be here watching you go through that and,
you know, I can still distance myself. You
know, have people said that to him? I
don't know.
That's another reason I would say talk to
other community members who are in leadership positions
and and get their take on it. If
you walk away from those conversations going, they
do not care and they are not worried
about the safety of other people and they're
just gonna let him do whatever,
then, yeah, start your own munch. Find your
inner
core community
to plan events with,
travel if that's an option.
It's not fair. You shouldn't have to do
that. No. But But sometimes communities do not
Yeah. You know, do not do what they
can, which is limited,
to deal with, you know And and in
the end, what it comes down to, your
well-being, your mental health is what is important.
Right. Right.
But, yeah, I think we do get, you
know, a little
unnerved at knowing we're gonna have to be
around somebody that we really don't like. We
don't agree with what they've done. We worry
they may be a danger.
And
being in the same room is not the
same as interacting with. True. True. So where
that feels like it's possible for you Mhmm.
You know, take advantage of that. The bigger
events, the events where it's not really about
talking to everybody you come in contact with,
events where you can be across a room
from somebody or in another room and those
kinds of things.
But if you have a personal connection to
their ex
and
they are willing to talk about it Right.
That might be a person to to talk
to about how they're doing and if they
are coming out into the community and what
they might be doing. But, again, that's a
touchy one because
you don't wanna pry and you don't wanna
push somebody to give you information. It it's
it's
touchy.
So that's that's the only thing I can
think. You know? If you wanna be involved
in this community and this is all you've
got access to,
then you're gonna have to find a way
to navigate
around knowing more about somebody than you might
know about the person you're sitting next to.
That's the other thing. Not everybody has their
dirty laundry aired on FetLife where we can
all witness it. Mhmm. And they're still going
through not dissimilar things.
So you you gotta weigh your own comfort
there, I think.
Yeah. Anything you would add? I don't think
so. I I I feel bad for them.
Yeah. I I mean, hell, I feel bad
for their ex, especially if they're trying to
be in the community. Like, it's and then
I I feel bad for everybody if community
leaders are disregarding some of the
regarding some of the problems or not doing
anything to attempt to address it and Yeah.
Who knows what's going on. So maybe if
you can get a little bit more information.
This is one of those where
would lean heavily on anybody who can,
hear the sound of our voices,
to say if you have been in a
situation like this,
feel free to comment wherever we are connected.
Mhmm. YouTube comments. The show notes page on
our website has a comment section on social
media and share
what how you've handled things like that or
how your community has handled things like that.
Yeah. Because we can all learn from one
another. Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the
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lords. That's patreon.com/kayla
lords, or or use the link in the
show notes.