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You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla

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Lords here with the one, the only, the

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you're looking so good like a damn snack.

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John Brownstone.

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Wow. I know.

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Thank you. I don't know what I do

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with that attitude, but it's there. It's there.

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It it it's cool. I believe you might

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be blushing. It's it's kind of adorable.

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For all for all the the making JB

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blush, this this week's actually kind of a

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serious topic, so I'm not gonna I'm not

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gonna get too crazy. This week, we're answering

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a question from a kinkster who doesn't want

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to interact with a certain member of their

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local community,

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but that person seems to be everywhere.

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This episode does have a content warning for

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a brief, brief, brief mention of suicide, abusive

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behavior, and sexual coercion. No details are shared,

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but it's it's mentioned as part of the

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question,

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could come up as part of the conversation,

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so just take care of yourself.

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Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're

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new here, we help kinksters like you have

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happy, healthy power exchange relationships.

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Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app

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so you never miss an episode. And if

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you'd like us to answer your question in

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a future one of these, you can use

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our contact page on our website,

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loving BDSM dot net. Again, that's loving BDSM

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dot net or use the link in the

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show notes page.

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Okay. Let's get into

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the question.

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I started going to munches and vendor fairs

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in late 2022

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and moved on to play parties almost every

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weekend from January to June in 2023.

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I loved finally being able to go to

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these events and meeting like minded people. I

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wanna start going back to community events after

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leaving for financial and mental health reasons, but

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I'm facing an obstacle.

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There is this person who I will name

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Greg, not his real name, who I do

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not want to be around. At the beginning

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of my kink journey, I met him at

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a munch and at some play parties and

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he ended up inviting me to a small

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local group that he was in charge of.

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It was a good time and I met

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my dom at this event. Fast forward a

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few months

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and Greg goes through a very public breakup

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on FetLife. His ex partner exposes some information

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about him, including his manipulative, coercive, and destructive

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behavior.

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Some of his offenses include threatening to kill

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himself,

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forcing his ex partner to keep important information

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from their family, punching holes in the walls,

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guilting them into having sex when they did

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not want to, and starting a relationship with

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someone barely 18 while he's almost 30.

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I was was appalled when I heard this

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and they still post about each other on

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FetLife.

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Since I was not involved in their relationship,

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I have no way of knowing if all

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of this is true, but I am inclined

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to believe the victim. Anyway,

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since then, it has come out that he

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is getting involved with the board of the

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local community and increasing his presence at all

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events even in the smaller communities.

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He has tried to reach out to me

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twice and I have ignored both.

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How can I start going to events again

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when he seems to be everywhere?

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I do not want to run into him,

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but I know that is almost impossible.

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Wow.

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Yeah.

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That's,

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that's tough. That is tough.

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And,

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you know, I'm not even sure how I

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would

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I don't think there's an easy answer. There

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is there isn't. You have this community that

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you want to be a part of again

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and you know that, air quote, Greg, is

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probably going to show up. It is either

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a

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try to find community outside of that area

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or Mhmm. Find a way to

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make peace with yourself

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with the fact that you are going to

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come across him. Now

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seeing him does not mean you have to

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interact.

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True.

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A couple of things come to mind, and

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whether you do this or not depends on

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your comfort level,

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your own mental health, because you gotta protect

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it, and what kind of person, air quote,

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Greg is.

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But one option is to just have a

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conversation with him. You do have a history

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of knowing him and being around him, and

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you can say, look. I saw what went

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down on FetLife.

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I did not like what I saw.

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My opinion of you has changed, and I

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just don't want to be a part of

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what you've got going on.

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That one I would caution with how how

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do you think, you know Right. He might

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react because some people get volatile, and you

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don't need to put yourself in that position.

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The other thing might be

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to talk to other community leaders of these

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events and munches

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and whatever else that are being organized, and

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let them know about your discomfort if if

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they are the type of people you can

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talk to.

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And, you know, ask, you know, were they

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aware of what went down? What mitigation have

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they put into place for a person who

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may be a, you

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know, abusive,

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coercive human being. Mhmm.

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And,

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you know, those are imperfect. I don't think

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there is a a perfect solution. No. There

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isn't.

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I mean, you know, one of the things

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I I thought about too was, you know,

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could

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start their own munch. Could. You absolutely could

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do that. You know, I mean, that that

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would be one option,

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you know, and,

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you know,

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but then again that, you know, that that's

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okay for them for a month, you know,

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but then there's still the thing, you know,

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you wanna do the parties, you wanna do

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the different fairs and different things like that.

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You know, I part of it is it

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comes down to do you feel unsafe? Because

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there is a difference between

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being in a room with somebody and interacting

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with somebody. True. There will be times where

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maybe you are at the same event

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because it's open to everybody in your community

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and it was something you wanted to attend,

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they're gonna be in the same room. There

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is no requirement that you interact with that

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person. If somebody tries to encourage you to

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interact with that person, you can simply say,

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no. That's that's not a person I interact

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with. They'll take that information or leave it,

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but you don't have to justify yourself if

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you don't want to.

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You know, if their ex partner is somebody

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you are friends with,

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maybe talk to them and see how they're

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handling it. You know? If they have

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found a way to work within their own

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community and go to events and,

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you know, feel

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as safe as possible Mhmm. Knowing that this

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person is around, maybe they have some

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advice for you. Maybe they have somebody you

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can talk to that they've talked to. Like,

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hey. I reached out to this community organizer,

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and they had some good solutions for me.

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Now that's a sensitive thing. They don't need

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to do labor on your behalf. But if

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you have a friendship of sorts, you you

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know, you can check-in and go, hey. Can

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can we talk about this?

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But I think it depends on the

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events as well. If it's an open to

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everybody, it's a vendor fair, it's a big

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community meetup where you're talking 50, 60, a

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100 people. Mhmm. You know,

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I I get not wanting to be around

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them, but there's

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as long as you feel safe, there is

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a difference between being around them and interacting

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with them. Mhmm.

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It's also possible that maybe you, you know,

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form, if you don't already have, a closer

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group of a small core community that are

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your close friends, and y'all have play parties.

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People have play parties all the time, and

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they do not invite everybody. Right. So maybe

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you, you know, need to make some connections

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with folks who maybe aren't fans of air

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quote Greg either,

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you know? True. True. True.

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And, you know, I

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I you know, another thing I thought of

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in this and I'll I'll carry out it

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after I I said what I'm

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about to say, you know, in some cases,

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because I I knew

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back in the community I was part of

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years ago, there was a person in the

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community who had some questionable behavior,

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and, the community leader actually

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allowed them to come to munches, wanted them

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to come to parties because that way they

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could keep an eye on them,

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you know, in case there were any any

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problematic

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behavior.

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Is is that the case here? I don't

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know, you know, especially with the fact with,

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you know, talking about how he's here Getting

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involved with the board. Involved with the board.

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Yeah. You know, so that

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To me, that's a that's a conversation

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if you have connections to other people on

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that local board about if they if they

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know Right. What their thinking is. Unfortunately,

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sometimes

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you have that conversation

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and you find out that they know and

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they don't care,

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and then that's when you rethink your connection

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to that community. You know? If you're in

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an area where traveling

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to another community is feasible and is something

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you're willing to do, that is an option.

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Now you are going to come across

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people with who do bad acts in any

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community. This one is different because you did

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have a personal connection and you you know

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the details that were being shared, and that

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that that makes a difference for sure.

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But I also

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don't want you to have to diminish

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your enjoyment and

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interaction with the community because somebody else is

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a bad actor.

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So yeah. If any connections you have to

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local community members who are on a board,

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who organize a munch, or whatever whatever,

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you know, if you can talk to them,

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that that would be one of the things

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I definitely would do. Again, though, I think

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I think there's nothing wrong with telling,

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air quote, Greg, that

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you saw what went down on FetLife. You

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do not really want to have you know,

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you don't have anything to do with them.

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Mhmm. If we happen to be

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at the same event, you're not going to

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interact. Again, you have to feel safe to

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do that.

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But if you're the type of person who

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would have that kind of conversation,

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you know, I I don't think that would

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be a bad idea necessarily,

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because,

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you know,

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presumably,

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air quote, Greg is trying to sort of

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tap into your former relationship.

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I I don't mean relationship, like, intimate, but,

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like, you knew each other.

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You know? And if you feel safe enough

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doing it

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because who knows if people in your community

283
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are giving it to him straight and saying,

284
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you fucked up and you've got to, you

285
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know,

286
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earn trust back in community, and and you've

287
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gotta prove yourself. And I don't have to

288
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be here watching you go through that and,

289
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you know, I can still distance myself. You

290
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know, have people said that to him? I

291
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don't know.

292
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That's another reason I would say talk to

293
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other community members who are in leadership positions

294
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and and get their take on it. If

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you walk away from those conversations going, they

296
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do not care and they are not worried

297
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about the safety of other people and they're

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just gonna let him do whatever,

299
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then, yeah, start your own munch. Find your

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inner

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core community

302
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to plan events with,

303
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travel if that's an option.

304
00:11:05,004 --> 00:11:06,845
It's not fair. You shouldn't have to do

305
00:11:06,845 --> 00:11:09,804
that. No. But But sometimes communities do not

306
00:11:10,125 --> 00:11:12,144
Yeah. You know, do not do what they

307
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can, which is limited,

308
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to deal with, you know And and in

309
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the end, what it comes down to, your

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well-being, your mental health is what is important.

311
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Right. Right.

312
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But, yeah, I think we do get, you

313
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know, a little

314
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unnerved at knowing we're gonna have to be

315
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around somebody that we really don't like. We

316
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don't agree with what they've done. We worry

317
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they may be a danger.

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And

319
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being in the same room is not the

320
00:11:38,415 --> 00:11:41,059
same as interacting with. True. True. So where

321
00:11:41,059 --> 00:11:44,379
that feels like it's possible for you Mhmm.

322
00:11:44,659 --> 00:11:46,899
You know, take advantage of that. The bigger

323
00:11:46,899 --> 00:11:48,820
events, the events where it's not really about

324
00:11:48,820 --> 00:11:51,000
talking to everybody you come in contact with,

325
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events where you can be across a room

326
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from somebody or in another room and those

327
00:11:56,475 --> 00:11:57,294
kinds of things.

328
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But if you have a personal connection to

329
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their ex

330
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and

331
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they are willing to talk about it Right.

332
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That might be a person to to talk

333
00:12:07,269 --> 00:12:09,750
to about how they're doing and if they

334
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are coming out into the community and what

335
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they might be doing. But, again, that's a

336
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touchy one because

337
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you don't wanna pry and you don't wanna

338
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push somebody to give you information. It it's

339
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it's

340
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touchy.

341
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So that's that's the only thing I can

342
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think. You know? If you wanna be involved

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in this community and this is all you've

344
00:12:28,455 --> 00:12:29,514
got access to,

345
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then you're gonna have to find a way

346
00:12:31,815 --> 00:12:32,475
to navigate

347
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around knowing more about somebody than you might

348
00:12:36,855 --> 00:12:38,500
know about the person you're sitting next to.

349
00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,740
That's the other thing. Not everybody has their

350
00:12:40,740 --> 00:12:42,579
dirty laundry aired on FetLife where we can

351
00:12:42,579 --> 00:12:44,980
all witness it. Mhmm. And they're still going

352
00:12:44,980 --> 00:12:47,159
through not dissimilar things.

353
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So you you gotta weigh your own comfort

354
00:12:50,740 --> 00:12:52,120
there, I think.

355
00:12:52,985 --> 00:12:55,705
Yeah. Anything you would add? I don't think

356
00:12:55,705 --> 00:12:57,804
so. I I I feel bad for them.

357
00:12:57,865 --> 00:12:59,544
Yeah. I I mean, hell, I feel bad

358
00:12:59,544 --> 00:13:01,304
for their ex, especially if they're trying to

359
00:13:01,304 --> 00:13:03,304
be in the community. Like, it's and then

360
00:13:03,304 --> 00:13:04,333
I I feel bad for everybody if community

361
00:13:04,333 --> 00:13:05,404
leaders are disregarding some of the

362
00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:09,070
regarding some of the problems or not doing

363
00:13:09,070 --> 00:13:11,389
anything to attempt to address it and Yeah.

364
00:13:11,470 --> 00:13:13,549
Who knows what's going on. So maybe if

365
00:13:13,549 --> 00:13:15,090
you can get a little bit more information.

366
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:18,529
This is one of those where

367
00:13:20,245 --> 00:13:22,424
would lean heavily on anybody who can,

368
00:13:23,044 --> 00:13:24,584
hear the sound of our voices,

369
00:13:26,004 --> 00:13:27,845
to say if you have been in a

370
00:13:27,845 --> 00:13:28,985
situation like this,

371
00:13:29,524 --> 00:13:32,164
feel free to comment wherever we are connected.

372
00:13:32,164 --> 00:13:34,860
Mhmm. YouTube comments. The show notes page on

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00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:36,860
our website has a comment section on social

374
00:13:36,860 --> 00:13:38,319
media and share

375
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:40,940
what how you've handled things like that or

376
00:13:40,940 --> 00:13:42,860
how your community has handled things like that.

377
00:13:42,860 --> 00:13:44,299
Yeah. Because we can all learn from one

378
00:13:44,299 --> 00:13:45,199
another. Absolutely.

379
00:13:45,740 --> 00:13:46,240
Absolutely.

380
00:13:47,174 --> 00:13:48,774
Thanks for listening to this week's q and

381
00:13:48,774 --> 00:13:50,134
a episode. If you want us to answer

382
00:13:50,134 --> 00:13:51,975
one of your questions, just use the contact

383
00:13:51,975 --> 00:13:53,434
page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,

384
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:55,575
or you can find the link in the

385
00:13:55,575 --> 00:13:57,415
show notes. Big thanks as always to our

386
00:13:57,415 --> 00:13:59,735
kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to

387
00:13:59,735 --> 00:14:01,529
do this podcast and keep it going and

388
00:14:01,529 --> 00:14:04,090
help kinksters due to your support. If you'd

389
00:14:04,090 --> 00:14:05,450
like to be part of our community and

390
00:14:05,450 --> 00:14:07,450
get access to extra content and a Discord

391
00:14:07,450 --> 00:14:09,129
server with a group of super cool, super

392
00:14:09,129 --> 00:14:11,050
nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join

393
00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:11,870
us at patreon.com/kayla

394
00:14:12,730 --> 00:14:13,950
lords. That's patreon.com/kayla

395
00:14:15,450 --> 00:14:16,764
lords, or or use the link in the

396
00:14:16,764 --> 00:14:17,504
show notes.