You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lords here with the 1, the only, the
I've got nothing witty to say, but I
do love you, John Brownstone. I love you
too, baby girl. The brain ain't raining. So
I know. The snark is kind of It's
been a bumpy couple days for us. Yeah.
In some
some ways. Yeah. Yeah. But we're here, and
we're gonna answer a question. Yeah. This week,
we're answering a question from a Dom who
worries that they're being unreliable with their submissive
partner.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're
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at loving BDSM.net.loving
BDSM.net,
or the link should be in the show
notes for this episode. Okay. Let's get straight
into the question. Right off the top, am
I unreliable or consider
or considerate?
I'm struggling with my confidence as a daddy
dom. I feel like I might be unreliable
or unbelievable.
My wife and I are in a 247
power exchange. I find myself telling her that
I want us to do something before we
go to bed, and by the time we
get there, it's extra late or she's exhausted
or life just happens.
At that point, I normally say that we'll
skip that thing, and it's not a big
deal because sleep is more important.
On one hand, I feel like it makes
me seem like I keep going back on
my word or I won't follow through. On
the other hand, I feel like it's just
being considerate and looking out for my wife
slash subs best interest.
It's a big struggle and I feel like
I may not be cut out to be
a dom. How do you view these conflicting
thoughts? What advice do you have? For context,
we have 3 kids ages 15, 13, and
9 who are involved in sports and school
activities. We discovered DS in 2020, and it
has been the best thing for us. Yeah.
First of all, I'm gonna say this. I
want you to cut yourself some slack. Right?
Well, when life lives,
ain't nobody playing. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah. We
we know
all too well Mhmm.
When life lives Right.
You you ain't fighting it. Mm-mm. You don't
fight it. No. You know?
So,
yeah, you know, no, I, I think, you
know, yeah, we, we both agree, you need
to cut yourself a little bit of slack.
You know, yeah, life is life, and, you
know, yeah, we all get tired, and, you
know, some sometimes things do not work out
the way they should. Right. Or we want
them to, I should say. But, with all
that,
I I think what
what would work well
with you, with y'all,
especially since you got a lot of stuff
going on with the family,
schedule the time. Mhmm. I I I think
you really need to look at, you know,
scheduling the time and and, you know, keeping
that schedule open where you can sneak in
some time and, you know, there there's no
interruptions, you're not tired, and, you know, sometimes
that's the only way. It may not seem,
sexy, you know, at the time and and
all that but, you know what, it
it life isn't like an erotic novel.
No. And in some ways, thank goodness, but
also there's not enough lube in erotic novels.
Right.
Yeah. When and when you schedule it, it
is put it in your calendar, your Google,
your whatever. And it I mean, you don't
have to label it kinky fuckery time now.
Date night. Date night. Yeah.
My favorite to do when,
the kids were younger and still actually going
to a school,
is, you know, we work for ourselves, so
we have a lot more control over this.
And so if you don't work for yourself,
you have to kind of rely on your
PTO or whatever your your employer offers you.
But we would take days off. The children
would go to the school. We would drive
away. We would go do something. We it
might just be for a couple hours in
the morning. It might be the whole day.
It might be that part of the day
was devoted
to fuckery and seining and whatever else, and
then the rest of the day was, like,
just being with one another
and letting things be calm.
It will not work out a 100% of
the time, but if you never plan for
it, it's probably never going to happen.
So maybe in a given month, you take
a half day off together.
Maybe in another month, you do a date
night. If you are fortunate enough to have
childcare, you know, is your oldest old enough
and responsible enough? Maybe not. I wouldn't have
left the 15 year old too long with
his little brother back in the day.
But, you know, do you have somebody you
can rely on to watch your children?
Can they go to, you know, a family
member's house? Can can do y'all do sleepovers?
Can somebody go hang out at somebody else's
house Yeah. And give you that time?
And that way,
I'm not I would not say
stop
promising something or or saying that you might
do something, you know, at the end of
the day, when you go to bed, whatever.
I would just
keep trying to do that as long as
that feels like something you wanna keep trying
to do. But then
also, schedule in these other times. The other
thing, and I have to remind JB of
this all the time, all the time.
I will take
10
minutes
Yeah. Of kinda sleepy, kinda slow, not too,
involved, not too crazy, no props,
fuck kinky fuckery together over over nothing for
weeks
weeks. If all he can do is give
me a hand spanking
while I am bent over the bed and
he doesn't have to haul back and wail
me, it's just like it could be a
few taps,
that is better than nothing. So
while I absolutely
relate to the idea of it finally being
time to go get go to your own
bedroom and, like, close the door and shut
the world out and being exhausted, sometimes you
will still be just too exhausted.
But don't necessarily
overthink it that even a small amount
of kink isn't somehow worth it. It can
be because it it maintains the connection that
you have with your partner. Absolutely. Another thing
I wanna point out though Uh-oh. And, I
I mean, I know I know my biases.
Okay? JB is a daddy dom, and to
me, he is a quintessential daddy dom until
he gets sadistic. And then I'm like,
sadistic daddy did not have to come visit.
You have labeled yourself a daddy dom. That,
in my mind, with my own biases, tells
me that you are a nurturer and a
caregiver. That's kind of the umbrella that daddy
and mommy and, you know, whatever doms like
that, caregiver doms fall under. So what you're
doing at the end of the day when
you see that
your sub had a really hard day or
your sub is exhausted
or, you know, you know both of you
are exhausted and you're not gonna make it
through the next day if you stay up
too late playing tonight,
you are actually doing the job of a
daddy dom. The job of a of a
dom of any type is not to constantly
be providing
scenes. It is not constantly to be provide
be providing fuckery. There are other parts of
dominance, and to me,
this is a perfect example of it. Now
if you're dissatisfied
with the
how often you have to kinda go back
on your own, I thought we were gonna
do this, but that's not a good idea
tonight. That's when it's like, okay. So schedule
some time. Mhmm.
I don't I when I say this,
hear me out, lower your expectations. And what
I mean by that is go back to
that whole idea of 5 to 10 minutes
is better than 0 minutes. Right? A light,
easygoing moment between the 2 of you that
taps into your mutual kinks is better than
weeks upon weeks of absolutely 0. Right? But
you're already being a dominant by taking care
of your partner. Right. You know? As a
daddy dom, that's that's kind of in the
job description. Right? So you don't have to,
in my mind, you don't have to worry
about whether you really are a dom or
not, or you're an unreliable dom.
Now it's really a matter of, okay, how
do I prioritize this thing we have to
keep skipping? Because if you have to submissive
how she submissive how she feels.
Does she feel like you're being unreliable, or
is she kind of happy that you're making
her go to sleep? Right? You know, we
get we can get as individuals regardless of
the size of the slash, we can get
very wrapped up in our own heads about,
uh-oh. Am I a bad
dom or sub? Mhmm.
And we think that maybe we're not providing
our partner with what they want, and maybe
you're not. Maybe maybe your sub would like
some more fuckery in her life. But instead
of getting yourself all twisted up trying to
figure out how you're gonna fix this on
your own, talk to her. Yeah. She might
have suggestions that you haven't thought about. She
might be very grateful
for the nights you let her sleep. You
you just don't know until you have that
conversation.
True. True. Mhmm. And, you know, another thing
kind of
popped into my head. You know, if at
all possible, you you know, you talk about
how sometimes the evening gets away
from you,
you know, maybe you can look and sit
down and look and, you know, a little
time management.
Could be. You know, kind of what what
is the nightly routine?
Is there things that you can, you know,
adjust Mhmm. To to give yourself a little
more time in the evening?
You know? I mean, that's something to think
about too. Mhmm. Are there things that your
kids could take more responsibility on? Mhmm.
And okay. I say this as, an indoor
cat parent. Like, my kids did not do
the sport ball thing. Okay.
But is this, each kid has their own
activities, or is this each kid has multiple
activities. Do they need to do multiple activities?
Can somebody help you
help them deal with their activities? Like, what
can you
you might not be able to. You might
it might just be this is your life
right now. Mhmm. But it's worth looking into
how can
we adjust the,
there's a word I want and I hate
it when that happens.
But how can we adjust our life
in order to make more time for us
as partners? You know, in your mind, you're
thinking of it maybe for kink purposes or
power exchange purposes. Mhmm. But this is no
different than a non kink couple needing to
get some damn time to themselves. Right? Very
true. This is a universal problem
of couples everywhere, especially if you're caregiving, whether
it's children or your parents or you're doing
both. Right? Like Yeah. The it it's going
to take its toll. It's not gonna happen
organically most of the time. Certain seasons of
life, it's just not. It's just not. And
so you have to configure your life around
the things that matter to you, and your
relationship with each other clearly matters to you.
That doesn't mean your children don't. It doesn't
mean you need to ignore all of their
needs, but what can be adjusted
to just give you both some breathing space?
Not even in a kink context, just as
parents. Right? Like, what can you adjust
where maybe a kid has a little bit
more responsibility?
Maybe they don't need to do those 18
things they'd really like to do. Or and
this was easier as, the kids get older.
Our oldest, we did this a lot. I
was like, who can you ride with? Do
I have to drive you? Because if I
don't have to drive you, I'm not. Yeah.
And, man, not having to drive a kid
somewhere?
That will save so much time. That was
a big load off right there. But those
are seasons in life. Your kids might have
to be older. You know? Things might have
to change. Like,
it's just it's the nature of the beast.
So I think being really mindful and purposely
planning time outside of we'll do it at
night, we'll do it before bed, and trying
to just do it organically, I I think
that's worth it. I also think, you know,
look at how things can adjust all the
way around just to give you all some
more time. Yeah. But the thing I would
not do is be,
down on yourself because you're not giving your
partner as much fuckery as y'all would like,
as many scenes as you would like, as
whatever it is you're saying, hey. We'll do,
and then you're not able to do because
what you are doing is taking care of
Right.
Her and yourself.
And
maybe
what you need to do is stop promising
so much fuckery
that's not scheduled or planned for. Mhmm.
Maybe stop saying, hey. We'll do that thing
later. Hey. We'll do that thing later. And
either say, hey. Do we have 20 minutes
right now? Can we go do that thing?
Mhmm. Yeah. There you go. Wanna try to
do that thing?
Or
having a conversation with your partner where it's
like, hey. Maybe let's work into our nighttime
routine some level of fuckery. Mhmm. We do
that. It's sometimes the only fuckery we get
for weeks.
I have to ask permission to go to
bed. It's part of our, you know, power
exchange routine. Mhmm. But I do that naked
and bent over the bed. Mhmm. I might
get a butt rub. I might get my
ass whooped.
Either way, I'm good.
But we've created a routine that leaves room
for the fuckery. Right? Yeah. So it's it's
gonna happen. It's just gonna be is it
30 seconds? Is it Right. 15 minutes? And
that might be something to think about. And,
you know, it's not even so much about
the fuckery. Right? Yeah.
So
15 minutes? And that might be something to
think about. And, you know, it's not even
so much about the fuckery, because, yeah, there
are times I I spank her. There are
times I just rub her butt, you know,
but it's about the connection.
Mhmm. It is about the connection, and that's
what it really all comes down to. Mhmm.
And if you can find ways to connect
Mhmm.
Consistently
enough, and consistently does not mean every single
day all the time Yeah. But consistently enough
so that you don't have to make, you
know, the assurances, hey. Tonight, we'll do this.
Tonight, we'll do that. You know, build it
into your routine where you can
and find little ways to connect that are
meaningful to both of you. Like, it might
it might not be bent over a bed.
You know, saying daddy cannot go to bed
and you have to get, like, however many
smacks he feels like giving you that. You
know, it didn't have to be, but if
anybody would like to steal that idea, go
for it. Right. But that's that's another part
of it. Like, we have our bedtime routine
so set regardless of what time we go
to bed. Right? When the kids are big
in their activities, some nights you could go
to bed at a reasonable time, and some
nights they weren't getting back from a school
thing until midnight. Like but our routine always
stayed the same. Mhmm. And JB can drive
the is it a spanking or is it
just a butt rub portion based on his
energy levels, based on my energy levels, but
we know we're gonna have that moment. Right.
So, you know, I think you're doing better
than you realize because you just asked the
question. You're thinking about it in these terms.
Bad doms
do not care about their partner.
That's that's absolutely
true. They do not care if they're doing
a good job. Absolutely true. They care about
what they're getting and only what they're saying.
So I When you as you were reading
the question, that was the first thing I'm
thinking of. It's like, you know, this this
the this person, they're they're
thinking they're, you know, not Right. They're you're
assessing the situation. You're realizing things aren't going
the way you think they
will will go or that you are assuring
your partner they will go. Yeah. And you're
trying to make it better. I promise you,
shitty doms do not do that. Do that.
That is true. Unreliable
doms don't do that. Yep. So you're doing
better. There's just some tweaks you can make.
Mhmm. And don't leave your partner out of
the conversation.
She may have some good ideas. She might
have been thinking about some stuff. You know,
some some of the best things that that
we've come up with sometimes are when the
2 of us sit down and brainstorm. Mhmm.
It's a good reason to go have a
coffee somewhere. There you go. And when we're
broke, we just drive in the car Yeah.
And we just talk. Mhmm. So however you
can do it, whenever you can do it,
but I'm I'm a firm believer. Put it
in your calendar.
And and do it midday at times when
you don't have parental responsibilities. They're off being
educated by somebody else if that is a
you know, if if you're like us and
you got one at home
for their education, it is different, and I
haven't figured it out yet. I know.
But
if but if they're going somewhere else or
they are old enough to watch over themselves
and able to
yeah. I'm a I'm a big middle of
the day kind of person. Yeah. Mhmm. Yep.
So yeah. Mhmm.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the
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Lords, or use the link in the show
notes.