1 00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:13,185 You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla 2 00:00:13,185 --> 00:00:15,265 Lords here with the 1, the only, the 3 00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:17,045 guy that if we have to be 4 00:00:17,345 --> 00:00:19,425 in bad moods, I'm glad we could be 5 00:00:19,425 --> 00:00:22,164 in bad moods together. John Brown, sir. 6 00:00:23,585 --> 00:00:26,144 I guess that's one way of looking at 7 00:00:26,144 --> 00:00:26,730 it. Luck. 8 00:00:28,489 --> 00:00:29,230 My internal 9 00:00:29,929 --> 00:00:33,369 eternal optimist is going to find the silver 10 00:00:33,369 --> 00:00:33,869 lining. 11 00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,090 And us being all up in our feelings 12 00:00:36,090 --> 00:00:37,609 and in our heads about stuff that's not 13 00:00:37,609 --> 00:00:39,449 related to anything here, and it is just 14 00:00:39,449 --> 00:00:41,049 it is just life lifing. It's no big 15 00:00:41,049 --> 00:00:43,791 deal. But if we're both gonna be in 16 00:00:43,791 --> 00:00:46,905 moods where we're kind of at one another, 17 00:00:47,125 --> 00:00:48,804 glad we can do it together. There you 18 00:00:48,804 --> 00:00:49,625 go. See? 19 00:00:50,085 --> 00:00:51,304 The couple that 20 00:00:52,405 --> 00:00:54,184 Growses together. Stays together. 21 00:00:54,604 --> 00:00:55,104 Mhmm. 22 00:00:55,524 --> 00:00:57,315 Maybe. That's not what we're here to talk 23 00:00:57,315 --> 00:00:59,617 about though. This week, we're answering a question 24 00:00:59,617 --> 00:01:01,663 from a kinkster who's trying to navigate their 25 00:01:01,663 --> 00:01:03,710 kinky relationship as a switch, but especially trying 26 00:01:03,710 --> 00:01:05,756 to figure out how to be the dom 27 00:01:05,756 --> 00:01:07,802 they wanna be. Welcome to the Living BDSM 28 00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:09,848 podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters 29 00:01:09,848 --> 00:01:11,894 like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. 30 00:01:11,974 --> 00:01:13,494 Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app 31 00:01:13,494 --> 00:01:15,334 so you never miss an episode. And if 32 00:01:15,334 --> 00:01:16,935 you'd like us to answer your question in 33 00:01:16,935 --> 00:01:19,015 a future one of these, just use our 34 00:01:19,015 --> 00:01:22,234 contact page. It's literally called ask your questions, 35 00:01:22,935 --> 00:01:24,394 on our website at lovingbdsmdot 36 00:01:25,159 --> 00:01:25,659 net, 37 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,480 or you can find it in the show 38 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:28,620 notes for this episode. 39 00:01:29,319 --> 00:01:31,400 Okay. Let's get into the question. My husband 40 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,840 and I have been together for almost 10 41 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,159 years, and we started our BDSM journey pretty 42 00:01:35,159 --> 00:01:35,659 young. 43 00:01:37,079 --> 00:01:38,055 Lola agrees. 44 00:01:38,534 --> 00:01:40,375 We usually just have kinky sex, but we've 45 00:01:40,375 --> 00:01:42,775 tried being bringing the dynamic out of the 46 00:01:42,775 --> 00:01:44,694 bedroom. We had a kid about 4 years 47 00:01:44,694 --> 00:01:46,534 ago and that changed her life a lot, 48 00:01:46,534 --> 00:01:47,034 obviously. 49 00:01:47,495 --> 00:01:48,935 And now that she is 4, we have 50 00:01:48,935 --> 00:01:50,935 some more kid free time and we wanna 51 00:01:50,935 --> 00:01:53,400 bring BDSM back into her life. We are 52 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:55,319 older and better understand the life now. But 53 00:01:55,319 --> 00:01:56,920 because of all these changes, I think our 54 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:58,459 kink life has changed too. 55 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:00,439 As I learn more, I think we're both 56 00:02:00,439 --> 00:02:02,520 switches and I'm and I'm trying to find 57 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:04,299 a way to make that work for us. 58 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:05,799 I don't know if you guys have any 59 00:02:05,799 --> 00:02:07,400 advice, but I would love to hear your 60 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,125 thoughts on a relationship with 2 switches. 61 00:02:09,585 --> 00:02:11,504 I feel like my switch correlates with my 62 00:02:11,504 --> 00:02:13,985 mood and anxieties. It fluctuates and ebbs and 63 00:02:13,985 --> 00:02:15,824 flows for both of us. How do we 64 00:02:15,824 --> 00:02:17,905 navigate a relationship where we both wanna be 65 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,745 a dom or a sub in different ways 66 00:02:19,745 --> 00:02:21,229 for different situations? I think a big part 67 00:02:21,229 --> 00:02:22,750 of my anxiety in being a dom as 68 00:02:22,750 --> 00:02:23,250 a 69 00:02:23,550 --> 00:02:24,001 woman is that I don't want to be 70 00:02:24,001 --> 00:02:24,453 mean and it doesn't feel as natural so 71 00:02:24,453 --> 00:02:25,550 it's harder for me to get into that 72 00:02:25,550 --> 00:02:27,550 headspace. I haven't seen a lot of DS 73 00:02:27,550 --> 00:02:29,150 relationships where the woman is the d and 74 00:02:29,150 --> 00:02:30,509 the man is the s, where the dom 75 00:02:30,509 --> 00:02:31,009 isn't 76 00:02:34,885 --> 00:02:36,905 mean or isn't a substitute mother. 77 00:02:37,205 --> 00:02:38,885 I wanna find somewhere in the middle, but 78 00:02:38,885 --> 00:02:40,805 I don't really know how, especially in the 79 00:02:40,805 --> 00:02:41,305 bedroom. 80 00:02:41,764 --> 00:02:43,224 Thank you, Lola Right. 81 00:02:43,685 --> 00:02:45,925 Right. For sharing your opinion. We would like 82 00:02:45,925 --> 00:02:47,705 to share our opinion now. Yes. 83 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:49,620 So 84 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,799 what are your thoughts? What are my thoughts? 85 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:54,259 You know, the What? 86 00:02:57,680 --> 00:02:58,319 You know, the, 87 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:00,879 the one thing that really kind of popped 88 00:03:00,879 --> 00:03:01,699 out at me 89 00:03:02,239 --> 00:03:02,985 was for 90 00:03:05,305 --> 00:03:06,125 So anyway, 91 00:03:06,425 --> 00:03:08,025 I I think the one thing that that 92 00:03:08,025 --> 00:03:10,284 really, like, you know, jarringly 93 00:03:11,544 --> 00:03:13,224 jumped out at me, and kind of made 94 00:03:13,224 --> 00:03:15,305 me chuckle a little bit was, you know, 95 00:03:15,305 --> 00:03:16,044 part about 96 00:03:16,585 --> 00:03:18,044 not wanting to be 97 00:03:18,370 --> 00:03:19,830 the mean big d. 98 00:03:20,210 --> 00:03:22,069 Or wanting to be like the caregiver. 99 00:03:22,450 --> 00:03:25,250 Yeah. Yeah. Mommy type. Sure. Yeah. So, you 100 00:03:25,250 --> 00:03:26,930 know, that that kind of made me chuckle 101 00:03:26,930 --> 00:03:27,430 because, 102 00:03:27,889 --> 00:03:29,730 you know, they're saying that, you know, this 103 00:03:29,730 --> 00:03:30,790 is what they see. 104 00:03:32,784 --> 00:03:34,544 Maybe what you see, but it's not what 105 00:03:34,544 --> 00:03:35,444 you have to be. 106 00:03:35,905 --> 00:03:37,745 And what you see isn't all that there 107 00:03:37,745 --> 00:03:40,144 is. Right. Typically, if you are coming across 108 00:03:40,144 --> 00:03:42,064 these same stereotypes over and over again, it 109 00:03:42,064 --> 00:03:44,064 is time to find a new place to 110 00:03:44,064 --> 00:03:45,985 look. That's not an easy thing to do 111 00:03:45,985 --> 00:03:46,485 necessarily, 112 00:03:46,939 --> 00:03:48,719 but it is possible. Yeah. 113 00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:51,120 And, you know, be 114 00:03:51,419 --> 00:03:54,240 we've we've talked about this enough times before, 115 00:03:54,379 --> 00:03:56,060 you know, this is a spectrum. So you 116 00:03:56,060 --> 00:03:58,219 can be anything you want to be on 117 00:03:58,219 --> 00:03:59,039 that spectrum, 118 00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,020 and it's fine. As long as it works 119 00:04:01,020 --> 00:04:03,094 for you, you're not hurting anyone, 120 00:04:03,555 --> 00:04:05,254 unless consensually, of course. 121 00:04:06,354 --> 00:04:08,114 I mean, we're all about the consensual hurting 122 00:04:08,114 --> 00:04:09,894 of another, so it's it's fine. 123 00:04:10,354 --> 00:04:12,435 So, you know, as long as those things 124 00:04:12,435 --> 00:04:14,069 are going on that, you know, 125 00:04:14,870 --> 00:04:15,689 do you. 126 00:04:16,230 --> 00:04:18,310 Yeah. And I think that is the the 127 00:04:18,310 --> 00:04:21,029 concerns about figuring out how to be whatever 128 00:04:21,029 --> 00:04:22,870 your kink role is Mhmm. 129 00:04:23,270 --> 00:04:24,649 Dom, sub, something else, 130 00:04:25,110 --> 00:04:27,509 is that concern that you don't know what 131 00:04:27,509 --> 00:04:29,670 you're doing or it doesn't feel natural. I'll 132 00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,324 say this. I think there is a bit 133 00:04:31,324 --> 00:04:31,824 of 134 00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:34,705 a fallacy out there that, you know, 135 00:04:35,324 --> 00:04:38,225 dominance and and or submission just come naturally 136 00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:40,444 to people. There are some people where it 137 00:04:40,444 --> 00:04:42,925 does sort of feel that way. I would 138 00:04:42,925 --> 00:04:44,225 say that in 139 00:04:45,139 --> 00:04:48,279 certain circumstances at certain times with certain people, 140 00:04:48,339 --> 00:04:50,439 yes, I can fall into that naturally. 141 00:04:50,819 --> 00:04:51,560 That doesn't 142 00:04:52,019 --> 00:04:54,680 mean that my submission is somehow 143 00:04:55,139 --> 00:04:55,639 better 144 00:04:56,099 --> 00:04:56,599 or 145 00:04:57,735 --> 00:05:00,214 more authentic than the person who has to 146 00:05:00,214 --> 00:05:02,694 learn some new things and and unlearn some 147 00:05:02,694 --> 00:05:04,954 other things. The same is true with dominance. 148 00:05:06,134 --> 00:05:07,595 And, you know, I think that 149 00:05:08,454 --> 00:05:10,375 belief can can limit you, and it can 150 00:05:10,375 --> 00:05:11,274 hold you back. 151 00:05:11,669 --> 00:05:13,350 But I I go back to what we 152 00:05:13,350 --> 00:05:15,029 said at the very beginning. If all you're 153 00:05:15,029 --> 00:05:17,430 saying is a certain stereotype of what it 154 00:05:17,430 --> 00:05:20,229 means to be a female dom, it it's 155 00:05:20,229 --> 00:05:21,829 time to go seek out more people. And 156 00:05:21,829 --> 00:05:24,745 that might be at munches. That might be 157 00:05:25,685 --> 00:05:28,964 in person community where, you know, doms meet 158 00:05:28,964 --> 00:05:31,125 up, whether it's a a group of, you 159 00:05:31,125 --> 00:05:33,204 know, mixed gender of all the genders or 160 00:05:33,204 --> 00:05:34,185 if it's just, 161 00:05:34,564 --> 00:05:35,944 you know, female doms. 162 00:05:37,339 --> 00:05:39,039 FetLife, for all its problems, 163 00:05:39,579 --> 00:05:40,560 all its flaws, 164 00:05:40,939 --> 00:05:42,399 can be great for finding 165 00:05:42,779 --> 00:05:45,680 different perspectives that you're not seeing elsewhere. Yeah. 166 00:05:46,539 --> 00:05:47,360 As for 167 00:05:48,860 --> 00:05:49,360 navigating 168 00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:53,535 that both of you are switches and both 169 00:05:53,535 --> 00:05:54,274 of you 170 00:05:54,894 --> 00:05:57,295 want to express both your dominance and submission 171 00:05:57,295 --> 00:05:59,134 in different ways Mhmm. And the ebbs and 172 00:05:59,134 --> 00:06:00,915 flows and what gets you into 173 00:06:01,454 --> 00:06:02,274 that headspace. 174 00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:04,759 That's tricky. And the other thing I would 175 00:06:04,759 --> 00:06:06,779 say is while you're seeking out new resources, 176 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:07,660 seek out 177 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:09,020 switch experiences. 178 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:12,300 Because just like dominance and just like submission, 179 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:14,759 every switch is gonna have their own unique 180 00:06:14,759 --> 00:06:17,319 experience of it and will have their take 181 00:06:17,319 --> 00:06:18,995 on, this is how we do it. And 182 00:06:18,995 --> 00:06:19,735 then you 183 00:06:20,115 --> 00:06:23,074 choose from the things that resonate with you 184 00:06:23,074 --> 00:06:26,534 as ways of, you know, navigating the relationship. 185 00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:30,454 My personal perspective, if I tried to imagine 186 00:06:31,074 --> 00:06:32,214 being a switch, 187 00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:35,540 knowing what I know about power exchange, the 188 00:06:35,540 --> 00:06:37,300 thing I'm gonna tell you is you have 189 00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:37,959 to get 190 00:06:38,259 --> 00:06:41,139 real damn good at communicating your headspace. Yeah. 191 00:06:41,139 --> 00:06:42,199 Now that communication 192 00:06:42,500 --> 00:06:44,759 can become over time a shorthand 193 00:06:45,095 --> 00:06:46,855 where you don't have to have long, drawn 194 00:06:46,855 --> 00:06:49,095 out conversations about how in this moment, at 195 00:06:49,095 --> 00:06:50,615 this time, this is the thing you'd really 196 00:06:50,615 --> 00:06:52,535 like. But that might be where you start 197 00:06:52,535 --> 00:06:55,035 is long, drawn out, technical conversations 198 00:06:55,735 --> 00:06:57,335 to kind of figure out of, oh, when 199 00:06:57,335 --> 00:06:58,715 this kind of thing happens, 200 00:06:59,029 --> 00:07:00,629 this is what I'm feeling, and this is 201 00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:03,210 what I'd like to experience. How about you? 202 00:07:03,350 --> 00:07:05,670 And then over time, you kind of find 203 00:07:05,670 --> 00:07:06,490 where you align. 204 00:07:07,430 --> 00:07:09,210 You, you know, I truly, 205 00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:12,464 from the the few things I've seen when 206 00:07:12,464 --> 00:07:15,365 I'm reading or watching or listening about other, 207 00:07:15,425 --> 00:07:16,805 you know, switch experiences 208 00:07:17,584 --> 00:07:19,664 is that it is different for everybody, but 209 00:07:19,664 --> 00:07:22,164 sometimes partners will get on a wavelength. 210 00:07:22,865 --> 00:07:24,164 So one partner 211 00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:25,044 will, 212 00:07:26,224 --> 00:07:26,724 like, 213 00:07:27,079 --> 00:07:29,240 have a look on their face, say an 214 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:30,459 ex a a phrase, 215 00:07:30,839 --> 00:07:31,660 do a thing, 216 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:33,879 and the other partner who's like, oh, I 217 00:07:33,879 --> 00:07:36,120 wasn't even in that headspace. Oh, now I 218 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:37,660 am. It becomes a signal. 219 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,435 So you can, you know, feed off of 220 00:07:40,435 --> 00:07:42,675 one another, but that can take time to 221 00:07:42,675 --> 00:07:44,935 work up to, especially if you're not feeling 222 00:07:44,995 --> 00:07:45,495 confident 223 00:07:46,754 --> 00:07:48,275 in one side of the slash or the 224 00:07:48,275 --> 00:07:50,615 other as that role for yourself yet. 225 00:07:51,955 --> 00:07:54,935 Might be worth for this person who 226 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,139 is more uncomfortable in their dom headspace, 227 00:07:58,520 --> 00:07:59,020 playing 228 00:07:59,879 --> 00:08:02,300 intentionally and specifically more in that headspace, 229 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:04,439 trying to do more in that headspace because 230 00:08:04,439 --> 00:08:06,439 what you need is practice. What you need 231 00:08:06,439 --> 00:08:06,939 is 232 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:10,444 enough experience with certain forms of play that 233 00:08:11,225 --> 00:08:13,004 it stops feeling like you're wearing, 234 00:08:13,384 --> 00:08:14,044 you know, 235 00:08:14,345 --> 00:08:16,925 a scratchy, uncomfortable suit. But I will say, 236 00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:19,464 if you play in certain head spaces and 237 00:08:19,464 --> 00:08:21,805 in certain ways and it never feels comfortable, 238 00:08:22,024 --> 00:08:23,970 then it's probably not right for you when 239 00:08:23,970 --> 00:08:25,329 it's time to try a different way of 240 00:08:25,329 --> 00:08:25,990 doing it. 241 00:08:27,089 --> 00:08:29,970 So that's that's a thing. Mhmm. Go ahead. 242 00:08:29,970 --> 00:08:31,730 I was gonna say another thing that kinda 243 00:08:31,730 --> 00:08:32,870 comes to mind is 244 00:08:33,409 --> 00:08:36,210 not putting too much pressure on yourself or 245 00:08:36,210 --> 00:08:36,950 your partner 246 00:08:38,105 --> 00:08:40,504 to be in a compatible headspace at the 247 00:08:40,504 --> 00:08:41,325 right time. 248 00:08:41,705 --> 00:08:43,784 You know? Some things I've I've heard Switches 249 00:08:43,784 --> 00:08:45,945 talk about is they kind of flow with 250 00:08:45,945 --> 00:08:48,524 their partner. And, again, this is not everybody's 251 00:08:48,585 --> 00:08:51,070 experience. This is just some experiences I've heard 252 00:08:51,070 --> 00:08:53,149 about where when they know it's time to 253 00:08:53,149 --> 00:08:56,110 play, that's like you've got a kid, get 254 00:08:56,350 --> 00:08:58,909 start scheduling playtime for yourself because it's probably 255 00:08:58,909 --> 00:09:00,850 the only way to set up. Yeah. 256 00:09:02,429 --> 00:09:04,029 I promise they get older and they tend 257 00:09:04,029 --> 00:09:06,535 to need you less, but just schedule it. 258 00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:09,555 So you can't necessarily know going into it 259 00:09:09,555 --> 00:09:11,715 as a switch maybe what you're gonna do 260 00:09:11,715 --> 00:09:14,514 in that playtime session. Mhmm. But if your 261 00:09:14,514 --> 00:09:15,014 personalities 262 00:09:15,955 --> 00:09:17,095 your kink personalities 263 00:09:17,830 --> 00:09:19,830 sort of work out this way where you 264 00:09:19,830 --> 00:09:21,610 can feed off of each other's energy, 265 00:09:22,230 --> 00:09:25,049 then you have that time designated 266 00:09:25,750 --> 00:09:27,750 30 minutes, an hour, the whole night, like, 267 00:09:27,750 --> 00:09:28,250 whatever. 268 00:09:28,950 --> 00:09:31,065 And then you can kind of just go 269 00:09:31,065 --> 00:09:33,865 off of vibes, if that fits true. But 270 00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:35,625 again, it goes back to you gotta get 271 00:09:35,625 --> 00:09:37,725 real real good at communicating 272 00:09:38,264 --> 00:09:40,184 what's going on with you in a moment. 273 00:09:40,184 --> 00:09:42,664 Mhmm. You know? And and you're absolutely right 274 00:09:42,664 --> 00:09:43,164 about, 275 00:09:43,544 --> 00:09:45,225 you know, not putting too much pressure on 276 00:09:45,225 --> 00:09:45,725 yourself. 277 00:09:46,730 --> 00:09:48,730 We can be our own worst enemies. Oh, 278 00:09:48,730 --> 00:09:51,610 yeah. In instances like that, you know, over 279 00:09:51,610 --> 00:09:52,110 overthinking 280 00:09:52,970 --> 00:09:54,110 and and, you know, 281 00:09:54,490 --> 00:09:57,690 making unreasonable expectations, you know. Oh, yeah. We 282 00:09:57,690 --> 00:09:59,205 we can all I've done that to myself 283 00:09:59,205 --> 00:10:02,085 too, you know, making unreasonable expectations of something 284 00:10:02,085 --> 00:10:04,245 and then falling short and be like, oh, 285 00:10:04,245 --> 00:10:05,865 dear. But we're also 286 00:10:06,165 --> 00:10:08,644 more critical of ourselves than other people will 287 00:10:08,644 --> 00:10:10,585 be of us. So if you are thinking 288 00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:14,080 that, you know, your dominance isn't coming naturally 289 00:10:14,220 --> 00:10:15,920 or you're not doing a good job, 290 00:10:16,379 --> 00:10:18,300 to get out of your own head, ask 291 00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:21,179 your partner what they think. Like, are they 292 00:10:21,179 --> 00:10:23,200 having a good time? Are they responding 293 00:10:23,820 --> 00:10:24,320 positively 294 00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:26,000 to what you're doing? 295 00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:27,740 You know, do they want more of that, 296 00:10:27,740 --> 00:10:30,254 and is that more something that you want 297 00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:31,695 to give? You know? I mean, there's there's 298 00:10:31,695 --> 00:10:34,675 a lot of balancing there. But, you know, 299 00:10:35,295 --> 00:10:36,355 most often, 300 00:10:36,894 --> 00:10:38,495 you're not doing as bad a job as 301 00:10:38,495 --> 00:10:40,095 you think you are. You're not as awkward 302 00:10:40,095 --> 00:10:42,035 as you think you are. You know? 303 00:10:43,610 --> 00:10:46,110 I am one of those people who, 304 00:10:46,809 --> 00:10:49,370 in the right circumstance with the right person, 305 00:10:49,370 --> 00:10:51,690 can kind of fall naturally into my submission 306 00:10:51,690 --> 00:10:54,570 because I tend to default to that in 307 00:10:54,570 --> 00:10:56,384 certain situations. That's how I've been in some 308 00:10:56,465 --> 00:10:58,945 bad situations before with people who did not 309 00:10:58,945 --> 00:10:59,924 deserve that. 310 00:11:01,105 --> 00:11:01,605 But 311 00:11:02,544 --> 00:11:03,605 not feeling 312 00:11:04,384 --> 00:11:07,125 natural or comfortable, air quote, all of that, 313 00:11:07,424 --> 00:11:08,404 doesn't mean 314 00:11:08,785 --> 00:11:10,945 you're bad at it, and it doesn't mean 315 00:11:10,945 --> 00:11:12,649 that it's not right for you. 316 00:11:14,330 --> 00:11:16,409 But also you have to use that as 317 00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:18,809 information to decide, is it right for you? 318 00:11:18,809 --> 00:11:21,049 Mhmm. Because the first few times, especially, you 319 00:11:21,049 --> 00:11:24,190 do something new, it's probably not gonna feel, 320 00:11:24,970 --> 00:11:25,789 air quote, 321 00:11:26,465 --> 00:11:28,245 typical, normal, whatever. Right? 322 00:11:29,024 --> 00:11:30,705 But there's to me, there should be a 323 00:11:30,705 --> 00:11:32,865 rightness to it where you're like, oh, I'm 324 00:11:32,865 --> 00:11:34,785 awkward as fuck, and I don't really know 325 00:11:34,785 --> 00:11:36,245 what I'm doing here. 326 00:11:36,865 --> 00:11:38,625 But I think I'm having a good time, 327 00:11:38,625 --> 00:11:40,225 and my partner's having a good time. And 328 00:11:40,225 --> 00:11:42,820 that's the thing you look for. Yeah. And 329 00:11:42,820 --> 00:11:44,419 then the more you practice it and the 330 00:11:44,419 --> 00:11:46,740 more you refine what you're doing and refining 331 00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:47,480 what you're doing 332 00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:51,240 is both a figuring out dominance or submission, 333 00:11:51,459 --> 00:11:54,200 what feels right for you, what your partner 334 00:11:54,259 --> 00:11:55,240 responds to, 335 00:11:55,695 --> 00:11:57,774 what gets 1 or both of you in 336 00:11:57,774 --> 00:11:59,795 the headspace, that kind of refinement. 337 00:12:00,335 --> 00:12:02,434 Over time as you refine that, then 338 00:12:02,735 --> 00:12:04,575 even if it didn't start out feeling, quote, 339 00:12:04,575 --> 00:12:05,075 natural, 340 00:12:05,615 --> 00:12:07,295 and I sort of roll my eyes at 341 00:12:07,295 --> 00:12:10,190 that because that's that's a expectation we shouldn't 342 00:12:10,190 --> 00:12:12,029 all just have. That's not fair to us. 343 00:12:12,029 --> 00:12:14,110 No. You know? I think you can get 344 00:12:14,110 --> 00:12:15,950 there once you're on the right path of 345 00:12:15,950 --> 00:12:17,409 what dominance or submission 346 00:12:17,710 --> 00:12:19,250 or just switching in general 347 00:12:19,789 --> 00:12:21,629 mean to you. You know? I think that's 348 00:12:21,629 --> 00:12:22,129 just 349 00:12:22,589 --> 00:12:25,785 inherently personal, and it's trial and error, and 350 00:12:25,785 --> 00:12:28,745 it's experimentation. And you know what? Experimentation and 351 00:12:28,745 --> 00:12:29,245 kink, 352 00:12:29,705 --> 00:12:32,684 it's called play. Yep. Like Yep. Experimentation 353 00:12:33,545 --> 00:12:35,304 isn't you know? I mean, unless you're into 354 00:12:35,304 --> 00:12:37,465 some science role play, it's not about getting 355 00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,539 your lab coat and your goggles on. If 356 00:12:39,539 --> 00:12:42,120 you are into science role play for science. 357 00:12:42,899 --> 00:12:43,480 You know. 358 00:12:44,419 --> 00:12:44,919 So, 359 00:12:45,379 --> 00:12:47,379 you know, that that's the big thing is 360 00:12:47,379 --> 00:12:50,740 play around with what mutually intrigues both of 361 00:12:50,740 --> 00:12:53,264 you on either side of your slash in 362 00:12:53,264 --> 00:12:54,164 whatever headspace. 363 00:12:54,704 --> 00:12:55,204 But 364 00:12:55,824 --> 00:12:57,524 part of that and along the process, 365 00:12:58,144 --> 00:13:00,945 communicate, communicate, communicate. You know? Talk about your 366 00:13:00,945 --> 00:13:01,845 headspace before. 367 00:13:02,304 --> 00:13:04,225 You know? As you're getting into it, definitely 368 00:13:04,225 --> 00:13:06,629 do debriefs afterwards. Oh, yeah. What worked? What 369 00:13:06,629 --> 00:13:07,990 didn't? What were you thinking about? What were 370 00:13:07,990 --> 00:13:08,570 you feeling? 371 00:13:09,350 --> 00:13:11,350 Because it's that kind of information that over 372 00:13:11,350 --> 00:13:13,269 time you can create your shorthand. And you 373 00:13:13,269 --> 00:13:15,110 can create the kind of shorthand where one 374 00:13:15,110 --> 00:13:17,269 of you is in whichever headspace, Dom or 375 00:13:17,269 --> 00:13:20,070 Sab, and they say a thing or they 376 00:13:20,070 --> 00:13:22,625 give a look, and the other person 377 00:13:23,004 --> 00:13:24,144 knows what it means, 378 00:13:24,684 --> 00:13:26,925 and if they're feeling it, they respond the 379 00:13:26,925 --> 00:13:28,684 way that, you know, you would expect to 380 00:13:28,684 --> 00:13:30,684 respond. And if they're not feeling it, then 381 00:13:30,684 --> 00:13:32,524 that's a different conversation. And and that's okay. 382 00:13:32,524 --> 00:13:33,825 It's a form of communication. 383 00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:37,779 And and just one little caveat I wanna 384 00:13:37,779 --> 00:13:38,919 throw in there. True. 385 00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:42,659 Have fun. Yeah. Have fun with it. You 386 00:13:42,659 --> 00:13:43,159 know, 387 00:13:43,539 --> 00:13:44,360 you have, 388 00:13:45,860 --> 00:13:46,679 an an opportunity. 389 00:13:47,059 --> 00:13:49,034 You are both switches, so you can, 390 00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:52,254 you know, experience both sides. Mhmm. 391 00:13:52,634 --> 00:13:53,134 And, 392 00:13:53,754 --> 00:13:56,154 you know, have a blast with it. Don't, 393 00:13:56,154 --> 00:13:56,735 you know, 394 00:13:57,194 --> 00:13:59,214 don't get so caught up in in everything 395 00:13:59,995 --> 00:14:01,615 that it becomes a chore. 396 00:14:01,995 --> 00:14:03,054 Have fun. 397 00:14:03,434 --> 00:14:03,934 Laugh. 398 00:14:04,620 --> 00:14:07,340 You know? Get silly. Get weird. Get silly. 399 00:14:07,340 --> 00:14:09,740 Get weird. Do, you know, do the weird 400 00:14:09,740 --> 00:14:12,299 thing as they say. Right. Exactly. You know? 401 00:14:12,299 --> 00:14:14,379 Like our girl Lola is off to the 402 00:14:14,379 --> 00:14:16,539 side being a menace. I don't know what 403 00:14:16,539 --> 00:14:19,039 the mic is picking up. Oh, Lord. 404 00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:21,095 So And I think that's another 405 00:14:21,554 --> 00:14:24,294 thing. It is a good thing to take 406 00:14:24,355 --> 00:14:27,074 kink seriously because Oh, yes. There is serious 407 00:14:27,074 --> 00:14:29,174 risk involved, mental, emotional, physical. 408 00:14:29,714 --> 00:14:32,195 Communication is super important and it's not a 409 00:14:32,195 --> 00:14:33,654 skill we, you know, 410 00:14:34,034 --> 00:14:36,490 enter the world possessing. You have to gain 411 00:14:36,490 --> 00:14:37,389 that skill. Right? 412 00:14:37,769 --> 00:14:40,570 So there can be pressure that we put 413 00:14:40,570 --> 00:14:42,329 on ourselves or that, you know, others put 414 00:14:42,329 --> 00:14:44,409 on us, whatever. And some of that is 415 00:14:44,409 --> 00:14:46,490 is good pressure. You you want to be 416 00:14:46,490 --> 00:14:49,204 taking it seriously. You want to do no 417 00:14:49,424 --> 00:14:49,924 nonconsensual 418 00:14:50,384 --> 00:14:51,204 harm. Right? 419 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:54,464 But I think that in that process, it 420 00:14:54,464 --> 00:14:57,105 is easy to forget that we call this 421 00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:59,664 play for a reason. You're supposed to be 422 00:14:59,664 --> 00:15:02,440 enjoying yourself. That's true. If it is more 423 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:03,820 misery than pleasure, 424 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,519 if it's more stress than pleasure, if it's 425 00:15:06,519 --> 00:15:08,519 more anxiety than pleasure, it is time to 426 00:15:08,519 --> 00:15:10,200 switch something up. It's time to back off 427 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,320 of something. It's time to go in a 428 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,399 different direction. Step back and reevaluate. It's time 429 00:15:13,399 --> 00:15:14,940 to take a pause and have a conversation, 430 00:15:15,865 --> 00:15:17,245 because it it is 431 00:15:17,704 --> 00:15:19,304 right and good that you might be a 432 00:15:19,304 --> 00:15:19,804 little 433 00:15:20,824 --> 00:15:23,225 a little nervous, a little, like, not sure 434 00:15:23,225 --> 00:15:25,384 what's gonna happen the first time you do 435 00:15:25,384 --> 00:15:27,404 a thing as a dom or a sup. 436 00:15:27,865 --> 00:15:30,100 But it should be something that you dread. 437 00:15:30,399 --> 00:15:31,700 It shouldn't be something 438 00:15:32,159 --> 00:15:34,159 that is sending you into a panic every 439 00:15:34,159 --> 00:15:36,240 time you think about it. It shouldn't be 440 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:36,740 something 441 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:37,700 where 442 00:15:38,799 --> 00:15:41,120 the downside is all you can think about. 443 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:43,394 And if that is the case, take a 444 00:15:43,394 --> 00:15:46,134 pause, take a beat, figure out where 445 00:15:46,835 --> 00:15:49,735 you can go with it that's fun again. 446 00:15:50,035 --> 00:15:51,414 And that might mean 447 00:15:51,875 --> 00:15:54,134 taking it back 10 steps. That might mean 448 00:15:54,195 --> 00:15:56,595 acting like you know nothing about kinking, you're 449 00:15:56,595 --> 00:15:58,759 starting from scratch, and what is the one 450 00:15:58,759 --> 00:16:01,399 small thing that you, you know, are the 451 00:16:01,399 --> 00:16:04,279 most intrigued by. That's okay. There's nothing wrong 452 00:16:04,279 --> 00:16:04,940 with that. 453 00:16:05,399 --> 00:16:08,039 But, yeah, we it's important to take it 454 00:16:08,039 --> 00:16:09,340 seriously, but, also, 455 00:16:10,205 --> 00:16:12,225 we're supposed to be having fun here. Yeah. 456 00:16:12,524 --> 00:16:13,024 And, 457 00:16:13,644 --> 00:16:15,325 you know, the other thing too, you you 458 00:16:15,325 --> 00:16:15,985 are also 459 00:16:16,445 --> 00:16:19,024 in in a a wonderful situation where, 460 00:16:19,644 --> 00:16:22,625 you know, take advantage of things like, submissive 461 00:16:22,684 --> 00:16:23,184 roundtables 462 00:16:23,644 --> 00:16:25,600 Mhmm. And And dominator. Roundtables. 463 00:16:25,980 --> 00:16:28,059 Online or in person. Online or in person, 464 00:16:28,059 --> 00:16:28,559 absolutely. 465 00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:32,620 Because you y'all have the unique ability, y'all 466 00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:33,519 can go to both. 467 00:16:34,059 --> 00:16:36,080 Yeah. Oh, yes. As 468 00:16:36,815 --> 00:16:38,575 as switches, y'all can go to both. You 469 00:16:38,575 --> 00:16:40,495 both can attend a sub meeting, you both 470 00:16:40,495 --> 00:16:42,095 can attend a dom meeting, you can split 471 00:16:42,095 --> 00:16:43,634 off and go to 1 or the other, 472 00:16:43,774 --> 00:16:44,914 and, you know, 473 00:16:46,014 --> 00:16:48,414 that's some good conversation stuff right there, you 474 00:16:48,414 --> 00:16:51,134 know, to to spark for your relationship. Yep. 475 00:16:51,134 --> 00:16:52,839 And if you ever come across a community 476 00:16:52,839 --> 00:16:53,899 that actually has 477 00:16:54,679 --> 00:16:57,399 group stuff just for switches, because some of 478 00:16:57,399 --> 00:16:59,159 the stuff y'all go through is just so 479 00:16:59,159 --> 00:17:01,899 unique, that whole headspace switch thing that I 480 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:03,019 cannot imagine. 481 00:17:04,039 --> 00:17:06,255 Take advantage of that too. There, you know, 482 00:17:06,255 --> 00:17:09,055 if you don't live in a major metro 483 00:17:09,055 --> 00:17:10,994 area that you can easily 484 00:17:11,295 --> 00:17:13,795 drive or travel in some way to a 485 00:17:13,855 --> 00:17:15,394 a meet up, a munch, or something, 486 00:17:16,894 --> 00:17:19,720 since the inception of COVID, which sucks, we 487 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:21,259 hate it. But but 488 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,000 a thing that came out of that that 489 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,480 is a a net good is that a 490 00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:26,700 lot more kink education, 491 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,299 is online. Online. Yeah. And so Mhmm. 492 00:17:30,599 --> 00:17:32,519 You know? Yes. Let me say it again. 493 00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:33,819 FetLife is a cesspool, 494 00:17:34,394 --> 00:17:35,055 but also 495 00:17:36,555 --> 00:17:38,234 it can be a wealth of information for 496 00:17:38,234 --> 00:17:40,555 finding that kind of stuff. Yeah. FetLife is 497 00:17:40,555 --> 00:17:43,055 is a fantastic place for for information. 498 00:17:44,154 --> 00:17:45,755 You know, a lot of people tend to 499 00:17:45,755 --> 00:17:48,555 forget is you have control over the block 500 00:17:48,555 --> 00:17:51,119 and mute button. And use it liberally. Yep. 501 00:17:52,299 --> 00:17:53,519 But, yeah, you know, 502 00:17:54,299 --> 00:17:55,359 to break it down, 503 00:17:56,299 --> 00:17:58,539 if you feel like you're only seeing a 504 00:17:58,539 --> 00:18:01,099 certain type of dominance or submission, it's time 505 00:18:01,099 --> 00:18:02,859 to start looking elsewhere. It's time to change 506 00:18:02,859 --> 00:18:05,894 your algorithms. It's time to change your community. 507 00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:08,035 It's time to do something different so you 508 00:18:08,035 --> 00:18:10,674 can get different types of people in your 509 00:18:10,674 --> 00:18:12,755 feed and in in your space for you 510 00:18:12,755 --> 00:18:13,575 to learn from. 511 00:18:15,555 --> 00:18:18,295 Communication is gonna be super, super important, and, 512 00:18:18,929 --> 00:18:20,690 eventually, you can get to a shorthand probably, 513 00:18:20,690 --> 00:18:23,269 but start with good communication and then, yeah, 514 00:18:23,490 --> 00:18:25,409 remember to have some fun. Mhmm. And learn 515 00:18:25,409 --> 00:18:27,970 as much as you can about what you 516 00:18:27,970 --> 00:18:28,470 enjoy 517 00:18:28,929 --> 00:18:31,169 as an individual and together with your partner. 518 00:18:31,169 --> 00:18:34,234 Mhmm. And then focus on that more than, 519 00:18:34,234 --> 00:18:36,154 air quote, what you think you're supposed to 520 00:18:36,154 --> 00:18:37,615 be as a dom or something. 521 00:18:37,994 --> 00:18:38,494 Mhmm. 522 00:18:38,875 --> 00:18:41,214 Yeah. I think I think that's it. Okay. 523 00:18:41,434 --> 00:18:43,035 Thanks for listening to this week's q and 524 00:18:43,035 --> 00:18:44,474 a episode. If you want us to answer 525 00:18:44,474 --> 00:18:46,319 one of your questions, just use the contact 526 00:18:46,319 --> 00:18:47,779 page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, 527 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:49,920 or you can find the link in the 528 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,759 show notes. Big thanks as always to our 529 00:18:51,759 --> 00:18:54,000 kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to 530 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,839 do this podcast and keep it going and 531 00:18:55,839 --> 00:18:58,400 help kinksters due to your support. If you'd 532 00:18:58,400 --> 00:18:59,759 like to be part of our community and 533 00:18:59,759 --> 00:19:01,715 get access to extra content and a Discord 534 00:19:01,715 --> 00:19:03,475 server with a group of super cool, super 535 00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:05,315 nice kingsters, you can do that. Just join 536 00:19:05,315 --> 00:19:06,134 us at patreon.com/kayla 537 00:19:07,154 --> 00:19:08,295 lords. That's patreon.com/kayla 538 00:19:09,795 --> 00:19:11,235 lords, or use the link in the show 539 00:19:11,235 --> 00:19:11,735 notes.