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You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla

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Lorts here with the one, the only.

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The for a second, I thought you were

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borderline grumpy, but then you kinda chuckled and

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I went, oh, okay. He's he's being a

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little grumpy polar bear, but he's still mostly

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my JB, John Brownstone.

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Like, it all that happened in nanoseconds

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in my brain. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Because

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because we were talking about setup and whatever,

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and you were, like, a little bit, you

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know

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Gruff?

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Biting my head off. Yes. No. That no.

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That was just being gruff. No. See If

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I was biting your head off, you would

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know it. I'm sorry. My personal childhood trauma

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and, whatever spicy brain I have do we

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do not think that is cross. No. Alright.

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Anyway Anyhoo, that's not why we're here. That's

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no. But that is what happened.

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And I processed all of that

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very quickly is all I'm saying. Okay.

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Anyway. Yeah.

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You're right. That is not why we're here.

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We're here

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to answer a question from a submissive who

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has consented to free use with their dom,

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but their dom isn't initiating and they don't

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know quite how to get things

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moving forward. Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast.

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If you're new here, we help kinksters like

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you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships.

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Add the podcast your favorite podcast app so

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you never miss an episode. And if you'd

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like us to answer your question in a

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future one of these episodes,

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we have a contact page called literally ask

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your questions. I try to be real clear

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about it, on our website at loving BDSM.net.

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That's loving BDSM

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dot net, or you should be able to

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find the link in the show notes for

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this episode.

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Okay. Let's get into it. My husband and

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I have been together for around 2 years.

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We started our relationship with me as a

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dom and him as my submissive. We have

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both been in the lifestyle for the best

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part of 10 years. However, over time, we

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realized that we fit into the alternate

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role much easier, and so he is now

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my daddy dom. To begin with, we engaged

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in our mutual loves of bondage, tickling, free

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use, and cockwarming.

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Recently life has been doing its thing and

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we've not engaged in much kink. We've had

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many in-depth conversations about how initiating is what

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now one of his responsibilities,

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but still to no avail.

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Recently, he has asked for more scenes, but

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I don't know how to explain again that

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if he wants free use, he just has

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to do it. And if he wants head,

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he needs to ask for it. How do

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I explain this when my previous attempts have

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been unsuccessful?

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Wow.

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Yeah. That is,

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It's interesting. Right? Because it makes sense

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for a person who, you know, was raised

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right and is like, wait. You don't just

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take without asking. Mhmm. And for somebody who

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probably understands consent very much in kink,

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and you've been going through it in life

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and things have gotten in the way to

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have a hesitation. Like, I understand that hesitation

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to free use more than I understand anything

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else. That makes complete sense to me. True.

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But it's now it's like, okay. But how

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do we undo some of that? How do

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we get what it is we want?

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And what are your thoughts? Well, you know,

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I I think one of the things that

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that

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jumped out at me initially in this was,

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you know, that,

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where is it?

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You know, as

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because he's now in charge, you know, he

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needs to be the one to initiate.

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And and you know what? To a certain

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extent, that is true. But even like you,

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with your,

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you know, limited

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Yeah. You got 30 seconds of me of

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initiation and I'm done. There there are times

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that you initiate.

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I Just just to show that you're, you

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know, hey, Right. I send up the flag.

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I'm like, hey, I'm interested. You should do

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whatever comes next, but here yeah. You know,

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and and sometimes that helps because, you know,

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I I know for myself I can get

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wrapped up in life. Yo, yeah. Oh, yeah.

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For sure. And,

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you know, when especially if if there's,

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you know, stuff going on and I I

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put my head down and and start digging

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in

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Mhmm.

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It, be a while before I come up

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for air. Right. You will forget that fuckery

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even exists, and that you want to do

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it, let alone whether I wanna do it.

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Right. Right. So, you know, sometimes having that

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that,

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you know, not not that it takes very

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much, sometimes it's just a matter of sending

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up the bat signal, you know?

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Truly, if I just touch your neck in

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a remotely nonthreatening

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way,

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you're you're you're done. You know what I

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mean. Right. Right. So, you know,

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you know, technically, yes, you know, your your

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daddy dom is in charge, but it does

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not mean that you,

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you know, don't have to initiate.

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Or that you can't initiate. The only time

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you couldn't initiate is if you have somehow

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negotiated that you will never Right. Initiate. And

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if that's the case, then you, 1, you

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might wanna rethink

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that. But 2, then if if if not,

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and if that's what you've got, then you're

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gonna have to find other ways. I Yeah.

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I think, you know, at the end of

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the question, they're saying, okay. We have talked

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about this. We've had in-depth conversations.

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I think it's not about

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saying

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the same exact thing in slightly different ways

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over and over again, which is easy to

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get stuck in when you're trying to communicate

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the point. I think it's now time to

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show

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your daddy dom

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that he can do these things. So I

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had some thoughts about this because I was

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like, okay. So how do you go from

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telling somebody to showing somebody?

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So I like exactly what you said.

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Even if it's just a few seconds, it's

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like one little kiss on the neck. It's

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one little whatever

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signal works for y'all Right. Where you show

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your interest,

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and that's it. That's I think that's a

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a wonderful way to do it. Mhmm. Another

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way, especially if we're talking about free use

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and especially if there is any amount of

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could be discomfort. I would expect that for

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somebody who's new to free use,

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or just a a lack of practice because

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it's been a while because life did what

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life does. Life and yeah.

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One thing to consider is

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and you're gonna have to talk about this

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and set this up with each other and

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negotiate this, but set aside time where

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you both mentally

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know

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it's it's time when fuckery could happen. Now

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because free use

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free use sometimes means for some people

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that

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when the dom wants what the dom wants,

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they just take it and you could be,

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like, in the kitchen. You could be in

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the living room. You could be folding laundry.

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But sometimes it just means

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when it's an appropriate

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time for you based on your life and

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your relationship,

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then we might do something, and it'll be

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up to your dom to initiate that and

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just do what they wanna do within your

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boundaries.

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So if that's not happening organically,

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plan time. You don't have to necessarily plan

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the scene if what you want is for

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your partner just to do what he wants

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to do within your known boundaries.

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Instead of, like, planning out the scene together,

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just say,

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hey. Friday night after 8 o'clock, whatever happens,

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happens. Right? This is our time. And that

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way,

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your partner can have it in his mind

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of, hey, this is a time I that's

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set aside for this. If it works for

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us, if everybody's feeling good, I know I

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have this time coming up. I can do

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what I want. It's now maybe top of

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mind. Yeah.

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Another thing that I was thinking about earlier

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when I read this question

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was

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the idea that

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this is more for somebody who may be

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very new to for use, but I think

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it's a good reminder, is that

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reminding your partner and maybe reminding yourself of

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this, that

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free use doesn't necessarily mean that your partner

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can't ask, hey, are you down for this

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first?

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If it is a question of discomfort, not

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wanting to interrupt you, not wanting to hit

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you in a wrong moment and come at

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you at a time when you're not really

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ready, you know, picking activity, you can do

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a bit of a check-in with one another.

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Your partner can ask a question in a

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sexy or dominant or whatever whatever

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way. You can have a mutually agreed upon

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signal, sort of like initiating

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contact where you kinda let your partner know,

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hey. I'm down for whatever

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you wanna do tonight.

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And that might be the way to

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make sure that

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what your dom's

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what to make sure that what is happening

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is that your dom's not uncomfortable with, wait.

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Should I be be doing this right now?

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Is now a good time? So

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for dom's out there who are engaging in

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free use, yes, one way of doing free

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use is just take what you want when

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you want it. No words, just vibes. Like,

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sure. Sure.

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But I think in reality, for a lot

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more people, there are even just subtle check

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ins. JB always starts by touching me in

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a place that he knows should turn me

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on. And if I

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do not respond as if I am turned

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on I know it ain't going nowhere. Right.

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Or if my immediate response is, I love

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you so much. My head hurts so bad.

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He knows. Right? So he's gonna still get

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consent. He's gonna make sure

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that this is a time when it works.

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He's not gonna, like especially if we're engaging

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in actual

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sex and not just, you know, a kinky

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scene. He's gonna make sure before body

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body part touches body part that I

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I'm even down for it.

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Because the thing about free use is there

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still has to be consent.

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Some people will give a blanket consent and

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be like, whatever. It doesn't matter.

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Other people

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want will want to be able to give

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consent in the moment because think about it.

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Some people have physical disabilities. Some people have

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mental illness that will completely

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impact their desire and arousal and willingness and

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ability to, like, feel like they're fully consenting.

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Sometimes you got kids. Sometimes you got work.

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Sometimes you're on a Zoom meeting, and maybe

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that's not the time for your partner

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to engage in free use without a checking.

277
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,164
Right? Mhmm. Real life requires that there will

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be times

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even if the agreement is, hey. You can

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do whatever you want, whenever you want Yeah.

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To still get consent. There's nothing wrong with

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that. It is not

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incorrect to do that under for use. So

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if there is a question of timing for

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your partner, then just remind

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him and yourself that there are ways to

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to check for consent that can be

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really sexy and really erotic and really dominant

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and, like, you know, hit your personal buttons,

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whatever they may be. You just have to

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find it.

292
00:10:44,625 --> 00:10:45,985
But those are the things that come to

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mind. It's it's instead of having the same

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00:10:48,625 --> 00:10:50,485
conversation over and over again,

295
00:10:51,319 --> 00:10:54,519
start putting things into action and doing things

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and practicing things together

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so that you're not just sitting around waiting

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for your partner to go, oh, yeah. I

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want this now. And your partner is not

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00:11:04,105 --> 00:11:05,904
necessarily sitting around going, wait. Is is now

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00:11:05,904 --> 00:11:07,920
a good time? Is now a good time?

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Set aside

303
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:09,620
time,

304
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,160
you know, talk about what initiation on your

305
00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:14,320
part might look like if you're interested. That

306
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,134
doesn't make you feel like, oh my gosh,

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00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,634
I'm the only reason we're doing this. Truly,

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00:11:18,774 --> 00:11:19,274
sometimes

309
00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:21,894
your your partner just needs a little reminder.

310
00:11:21,894 --> 00:11:24,235
Oh, yeah. That exists. And when I

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00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,600
it's not truly a joke. I mean, I

312
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,120
laugh about it, but it is the real

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00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:28,620
deal.

314
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,799
30 seconds tops is what my initiation is.

315
00:11:31,799 --> 00:11:33,674
And it, I'll just kiss his neck a

316
00:11:33,674 --> 00:11:34,414
couple times.

317
00:11:34,794 --> 00:11:37,195
I might grab his balls too if I'm

318
00:11:37,195 --> 00:11:40,174
feeling it. I might wiggle my ass. Yeah.

319
00:11:40,910 --> 00:11:43,490
It's up to him as the dominant to

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00:11:43,710 --> 00:11:46,269
take that somewhere and do something with it.

321
00:11:46,269 --> 00:11:47,649
But I am signaling,

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00:11:48,264 --> 00:11:50,504
hey. You could do whatever you'd like to

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00:11:50,504 --> 00:11:52,424
do right now. Yeah. I'm open to it.

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00:11:52,424 --> 00:11:55,004
So, you know, think about different ways that

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00:11:55,384 --> 00:11:58,009
together y'all can figure out what the signals

326
00:11:58,070 --> 00:12:00,710
are. Mhmm. Set aside time. Make sure that's

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00:12:00,710 --> 00:12:03,110
time that it you're think both of you

328
00:12:03,110 --> 00:12:05,370
are thinking about, hey. This is a possibility

329
00:12:05,509 --> 00:12:07,785
getting out of your, you know, day to

330
00:12:07,785 --> 00:12:09,965
day headspace that you might be in professionally,

331
00:12:10,184 --> 00:12:12,045
caregiving, whatever whatever. Right?

332
00:12:12,424 --> 00:12:14,750
Whatever gets in the way. You know, people

333
00:12:14,750 --> 00:12:16,450
find it very boring to say schedule

334
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,389
your your time for intimacy. Sometimes you have

335
00:12:19,389 --> 00:12:21,470
no choice. That's just the way life dictates.

336
00:12:21,470 --> 00:12:23,095
It's the only way it's gonna happen. And

337
00:12:23,095 --> 00:12:25,095
if life is still lifeing for you right

338
00:12:25,095 --> 00:12:27,735
now, that might be an option as well.

339
00:12:27,735 --> 00:12:28,235
Yeah.

340
00:12:28,774 --> 00:12:31,174
So yeah. The the other thing I would

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00:12:31,335 --> 00:12:32,620
the final thing I would say

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00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:34,860
is if you're not quite ready to go

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00:12:34,860 --> 00:12:36,379
into the action route, you still wanna have

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00:12:36,379 --> 00:12:38,000
conversations with your partner. Maybe

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00:12:38,379 --> 00:12:40,059
your partner knows all these things, and you're

346
00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:42,264
still like, okay. That's that's not helping. We

347
00:12:42,264 --> 00:12:45,084
need something else. Instead of just repeating

348
00:12:45,944 --> 00:12:47,704
the same thing to your partner, hey. Don't

349
00:12:47,704 --> 00:12:49,884
forget. You can. Hey. Don't forget. You can.

350
00:12:50,669 --> 00:12:52,049
Start asking questions.

351
00:12:52,589 --> 00:12:54,909
Like, what what's going on in your head?

352
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Like, are are you, you know, are you

353
00:12:57,070 --> 00:13:00,014
getting busy? Are you feeling insecure? Are you

354
00:13:00,014 --> 00:13:00,514
uncertain?

355
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:01,875
You know,

356
00:13:02,254 --> 00:13:05,134
where is your head at, and how can

357
00:13:05,134 --> 00:13:07,259
I, as your submissive partner,

358
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,960
help with any of that? And that might,

359
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,879
you know Yeah. Help you find a better

360
00:13:11,879 --> 00:13:12,379
answer

361
00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:14,355
as well. True. True.

362
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,754
Mhmm. So yeah.

363
00:13:19,375 --> 00:13:21,054
Thanks for listening to this week's q and

364
00:13:21,054 --> 00:13:22,495
a episode. If you want us to answer

365
00:13:22,495 --> 00:13:24,370
one of your questions, just use the contact

366
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:25,750
page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,

367
00:13:26,690 --> 00:13:27,889
or you can find the link in the

368
00:13:27,889 --> 00:13:29,730
show notes. Big thanks as always to our

369
00:13:29,730 --> 00:13:32,049
kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to

370
00:13:32,049 --> 00:13:33,774
do this podcast and keep it going and

371
00:13:33,774 --> 00:13:36,414
help kinksters due to your support. If you'd

372
00:13:36,414 --> 00:13:37,695
like to be part of our community and

373
00:13:37,695 --> 00:13:39,695
get access to extra content and a Discord

374
00:13:39,695 --> 00:13:41,409
server with a group of super cool, super

375
00:13:41,409 --> 00:13:43,330
nice kingsters, you can do that. Just join

376
00:13:43,330 --> 00:13:44,149
us at patreon.com/kayla

377
00:13:45,089 --> 00:13:46,309
lords. That's patreon.com/kayla

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00:13:47,730 --> 00:13:49,325
lords or use the link in the show

379
00:13:49,325 --> 00:13:49,825
notes.