You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lorts here with the one, the only.
The for a second, I thought you were
borderline grumpy, but then you kinda chuckled and
I went, oh, okay. He's he's being a
little grumpy polar bear, but he's still mostly
my JB, John Brownstone.
Like, it all that happened in nanoseconds
in my brain. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Because
because we were talking about setup and whatever,
and you were, like, a little bit, you
know
Gruff?
Biting my head off. Yes. No. That no.
That was just being gruff. No. See If
I was biting your head off, you would
know it. I'm sorry. My personal childhood trauma
and, whatever spicy brain I have do we
do not think that is cross. No. Alright.
Anyway Anyhoo, that's not why we're here. That's
no. But that is what happened.
And I processed all of that
very quickly is all I'm saying. Okay.
Anyway. Yeah.
You're right. That is not why we're here.
We're here
to answer a question from a submissive who
has consented to free use with their dom,
but their dom isn't initiating and they don't
know quite how to get things
moving forward. Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast.
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find the link in the show notes for
this episode.
Okay. Let's get into it. My husband and
I have been together for around 2 years.
We started our relationship with me as a
dom and him as my submissive. We have
both been in the lifestyle for the best
part of 10 years. However, over time, we
realized that we fit into the alternate
role much easier, and so he is now
my daddy dom. To begin with, we engaged
in our mutual loves of bondage, tickling, free
use, and cockwarming.
Recently life has been doing its thing and
we've not engaged in much kink. We've had
many in-depth conversations about how initiating is what
now one of his responsibilities,
but still to no avail.
Recently, he has asked for more scenes, but
I don't know how to explain again that
if he wants free use, he just has
to do it. And if he wants head,
he needs to ask for it. How do
I explain this when my previous attempts have
been unsuccessful?
Wow.
Yeah. That is,
It's interesting. Right? Because it makes sense
for a person who, you know, was raised
right and is like, wait. You don't just
take without asking. Mhmm. And for somebody who
probably understands consent very much in kink,
and you've been going through it in life
and things have gotten in the way to
have a hesitation. Like, I understand that hesitation
to free use more than I understand anything
else. That makes complete sense to me. True.
But it's now it's like, okay. But how
do we undo some of that? How do
we get what it is we want?
And what are your thoughts? Well, you know,
I I think one of the things that
that
jumped out at me initially in this was,
you know, that,
where is it?
You know, as
because he's now in charge, you know, he
needs to be the one to initiate.
And and you know what? To a certain
extent, that is true. But even like you,
with your,
you know, limited
Yeah. You got 30 seconds of me of
initiation and I'm done. There there are times
that you initiate.
I Just just to show that you're, you
know, hey, Right. I send up the flag.
I'm like, hey, I'm interested. You should do
whatever comes next, but here yeah. You know,
and and sometimes that helps because, you know,
I I know for myself I can get
wrapped up in life. Yo, yeah. Oh, yeah.
For sure. And,
you know, when especially if if there's,
you know, stuff going on and I I
put my head down and and start digging
in
Mhmm.
It, be a while before I come up
for air. Right. You will forget that fuckery
even exists, and that you want to do
it, let alone whether I wanna do it.
Right. Right. So, you know, sometimes having that
that,
you know, not not that it takes very
much, sometimes it's just a matter of sending
up the bat signal, you know?
Truly, if I just touch your neck in
a remotely nonthreatening
way,
you're you're you're done. You know what I
mean. Right. Right. So, you know,
you know, technically, yes, you know, your your
daddy dom is in charge, but it does
not mean that you,
you know, don't have to initiate.
Or that you can't initiate. The only time
you couldn't initiate is if you have somehow
negotiated that you will never Right. Initiate. And
if that's the case, then you, 1, you
might wanna rethink
that. But 2, then if if if not,
and if that's what you've got, then you're
gonna have to find other ways. I Yeah.
I think, you know, at the end of
the question, they're saying, okay. We have talked
about this. We've had in-depth conversations.
I think it's not about
saying
the same exact thing in slightly different ways
over and over again, which is easy to
get stuck in when you're trying to communicate
the point. I think it's now time to
show
your daddy dom
that he can do these things. So I
had some thoughts about this because I was
like, okay. So how do you go from
telling somebody to showing somebody?
So I like exactly what you said.
Even if it's just a few seconds, it's
like one little kiss on the neck. It's
one little whatever
signal works for y'all Right. Where you show
your interest,
and that's it. That's I think that's a
a wonderful way to do it. Mhmm. Another
way, especially if we're talking about free use
and especially if there is any amount of
could be discomfort. I would expect that for
somebody who's new to free use,
or just a a lack of practice because
it's been a while because life did what
life does. Life and yeah.
One thing to consider is
and you're gonna have to talk about this
and set this up with each other and
negotiate this, but set aside time where
you both mentally
know
it's it's time when fuckery could happen. Now
because free use
free use sometimes means for some people
that
when the dom wants what the dom wants,
they just take it and you could be,
like, in the kitchen. You could be in
the living room. You could be folding laundry.
But sometimes it just means
when it's an appropriate
time for you based on your life and
your relationship,
then we might do something, and it'll be
up to your dom to initiate that and
just do what they wanna do within your
boundaries.
So if that's not happening organically,
plan time. You don't have to necessarily plan
the scene if what you want is for
your partner just to do what he wants
to do within your known boundaries.
Instead of, like, planning out the scene together,
just say,
hey. Friday night after 8 o'clock, whatever happens,
happens. Right? This is our time. And that
way,
your partner can have it in his mind
of, hey, this is a time I that's
set aside for this. If it works for
us, if everybody's feeling good, I know I
have this time coming up. I can do
what I want. It's now maybe top of
mind. Yeah.
Another thing that I was thinking about earlier
when I read this question
was
the idea that
this is more for somebody who may be
very new to for use, but I think
it's a good reminder, is that
reminding your partner and maybe reminding yourself of
this, that
free use doesn't necessarily mean that your partner
can't ask, hey, are you down for this
first?
If it is a question of discomfort, not
wanting to interrupt you, not wanting to hit
you in a wrong moment and come at
you at a time when you're not really
ready, you know, picking activity, you can do
a bit of a check-in with one another.
Your partner can ask a question in a
sexy or dominant or whatever whatever
way. You can have a mutually agreed upon
signal, sort of like initiating
contact where you kinda let your partner know,
hey. I'm down for whatever
you wanna do tonight.
And that might be the way to
make sure that
what your dom's
what to make sure that what is happening
is that your dom's not uncomfortable with, wait.
Should I be be doing this right now?
Is now a good time? So
for dom's out there who are engaging in
free use, yes, one way of doing free
use is just take what you want when
you want it. No words, just vibes. Like,
sure. Sure.
But I think in reality, for a lot
more people, there are even just subtle check
ins. JB always starts by touching me in
a place that he knows should turn me
on. And if I
do not respond as if I am turned
on I know it ain't going nowhere. Right.
Or if my immediate response is, I love
you so much. My head hurts so bad.
He knows. Right? So he's gonna still get
consent. He's gonna make sure
that this is a time when it works.
He's not gonna, like especially if we're engaging
in actual
sex and not just, you know, a kinky
scene. He's gonna make sure before body
body part touches body part that I
I'm even down for it.
Because the thing about free use is there
still has to be consent.
Some people will give a blanket consent and
be like, whatever. It doesn't matter.
Other people
want will want to be able to give
consent in the moment because think about it.
Some people have physical disabilities. Some people have
mental illness that will completely
impact their desire and arousal and willingness and
ability to, like, feel like they're fully consenting.
Sometimes you got kids. Sometimes you got work.
Sometimes you're on a Zoom meeting, and maybe
that's not the time for your partner
to engage in free use without a checking.
Right? Mhmm. Real life requires that there will
be times
even if the agreement is, hey. You can
do whatever you want, whenever you want Yeah.
To still get consent. There's nothing wrong with
that. It is not
incorrect to do that under for use. So
if there is a question of timing for
your partner, then just remind
him and yourself that there are ways to
to check for consent that can be
really sexy and really erotic and really dominant
and, like, you know, hit your personal buttons,
whatever they may be. You just have to
find it.
But those are the things that come to
mind. It's it's instead of having the same
conversation over and over again,
start putting things into action and doing things
and practicing things together
so that you're not just sitting around waiting
for your partner to go, oh, yeah. I
want this now. And your partner is not
necessarily sitting around going, wait. Is is now
a good time? Is now a good time?
Set aside
time,
you know, talk about what initiation on your
part might look like if you're interested. That
doesn't make you feel like, oh my gosh,
I'm the only reason we're doing this. Truly,
sometimes
your your partner just needs a little reminder.
Oh, yeah. That exists. And when I
it's not truly a joke. I mean, I
laugh about it, but it is the real
deal.
30 seconds tops is what my initiation is.
And it, I'll just kiss his neck a
couple times.
I might grab his balls too if I'm
feeling it. I might wiggle my ass. Yeah.
It's up to him as the dominant to
take that somewhere and do something with it.
But I am signaling,
hey. You could do whatever you'd like to
do right now. Yeah. I'm open to it.
So, you know, think about different ways that
together y'all can figure out what the signals
are. Mhmm. Set aside time. Make sure that's
time that it you're think both of you
are thinking about, hey. This is a possibility
getting out of your, you know, day to
day headspace that you might be in professionally,
caregiving, whatever whatever. Right?
Whatever gets in the way. You know, people
find it very boring to say schedule
your your time for intimacy. Sometimes you have
no choice. That's just the way life dictates.
It's the only way it's gonna happen. And
if life is still lifeing for you right
now, that might be an option as well.
Yeah.
So yeah. The the other thing I would
the final thing I would say
is if you're not quite ready to go
into the action route, you still wanna have
conversations with your partner. Maybe
your partner knows all these things, and you're
still like, okay. That's that's not helping. We
need something else. Instead of just repeating
the same thing to your partner, hey. Don't
forget. You can. Hey. Don't forget. You can.
Start asking questions.
Like, what what's going on in your head?
Like, are are you, you know, are you
getting busy? Are you feeling insecure? Are you
uncertain?
You know,
where is your head at, and how can
I, as your submissive partner,
help with any of that? And that might,
you know Yeah. Help you find a better
answer
as well. True. True.
Mhmm. So yeah.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the
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