1
00:00:10,785 --> 00:00:13,264
You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode

2
00:00:13,264 --> 00:00:13,764
406.

3
00:00:14,304 --> 00:00:15,824
K. The Lord's here with the 1, the

4
00:00:15,824 --> 00:00:18,939
only, the you were previously gruff and grumpy,

5
00:00:18,939 --> 00:00:20,859
and now you seem like you're kinda chilled

6
00:00:20,859 --> 00:00:21,839
out, John Brownstone.

7
00:00:22,619 --> 00:00:24,859
Yeah. Good. Kinda kinda, you know, got into

8
00:00:24,859 --> 00:00:25,359
the

9
00:00:25,660 --> 00:00:27,824
Yeah. See, we're time traveling here, so y'all

10
00:00:27,824 --> 00:00:30,785
will hear this before you hear the Monday

11
00:00:30,785 --> 00:00:33,445
episode that we recorded before we recorded this.

12
00:00:33,664 --> 00:00:35,240
And I think we were both feeling a

13
00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:36,140
little out of practice.

14
00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:37,799
One week off is all it takes. We

15
00:00:37,799 --> 00:00:39,240
forget how all of this works. A week

16
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:40,140
and a day, actually.

17
00:00:41,399 --> 00:00:43,000
And really a week of, like, a day

18
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,054
and a half because, you know That's true

19
00:00:45,054 --> 00:00:46,655
too today. Yeah. And it really did take

20
00:00:46,655 --> 00:00:48,015
a while to ease into it. I'm just

21
00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:50,469
saying. Anyway Yeah. That's not we're here to

22
00:00:50,469 --> 00:00:50,969
talk

23
00:00:51,350 --> 00:00:53,750
about. This week, we're talking about imposter syndrome

24
00:00:53,750 --> 00:00:56,789
in power exchange relationships, but also in kink

25
00:00:56,789 --> 00:00:57,445
just in

26
00:00:58,005 --> 00:01:00,045
general. Welcome to the loving BDSM podcast. This

27
00:01:00,045 --> 00:01:01,364
is your first time listening, glad to have

28
00:01:01,364 --> 00:01:02,804
you. If you're back for another week, welcome

29
00:01:02,804 --> 00:01:05,525
back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday

30
00:01:05,525 --> 00:01:06,665
for your kinky pleasure

31
00:01:07,159 --> 00:01:08,619
show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net.

32
00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:11,400
Come back often and feel free to add

33
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:13,479
the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You

34
00:01:13,479 --> 00:01:15,075
can also follow the show on Fet Life

35
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,954
at loving BDSM PC. The PC stands for

36
00:01:17,954 --> 00:01:18,854
podcast, y'all.

37
00:01:19,635 --> 00:01:21,254
On that handle, I will

38
00:01:21,555 --> 00:01:22,055
forever

39
00:01:22,939 --> 00:01:23,439
motherfucking

40
00:01:23,980 --> 00:01:26,079
hate, both on threads and Instagram.

41
00:01:26,780 --> 00:01:28,780
That would be loving d s and the

42
00:01:28,780 --> 00:01:29,599
number 1.

43
00:01:29,900 --> 00:01:30,959
So it's at

44
00:01:31,474 --> 00:01:32,775
loving d s one.

45
00:01:33,155 --> 00:01:34,534
I hate it so much.

46
00:01:35,075 --> 00:01:36,775
Or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving

47
00:01:37,875 --> 00:01:39,715
BDSM, where you can watch us livestream the

48
00:01:39,715 --> 00:01:41,560
podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the

49
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:42,299
show notes.

50
00:01:42,599 --> 00:01:44,359
Big thanks as always to our kinky patrons

51
00:01:44,359 --> 00:01:46,439
over on Patreon, including our newest peeps. I

52
00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:48,439
see y'all rolling in. I'm so happy you're

53
00:01:48,439 --> 00:01:50,555
with us. I'm so happy every time a

54
00:01:50,555 --> 00:01:52,715
new person like, my email pops up. Like,

55
00:01:52,715 --> 00:01:53,935
oh, this is wonderful.

56
00:01:54,234 --> 00:01:55,594
I really do have that moment because I

57
00:01:55,594 --> 00:01:58,234
am that kind of person. I'm not I

58
00:01:58,234 --> 00:02:00,170
really I'm such a dork. Anyway,

59
00:02:00,709 --> 00:02:03,209
we are able to keep being dorky weirdos

60
00:02:03,349 --> 00:02:04,569
on the Internet because

61
00:02:05,590 --> 00:02:06,969
of our Patreon community,

62
00:02:07,915 --> 00:02:09,514
and we are grateful for every fucking one

63
00:02:09,514 --> 00:02:10,955
of you. If you would like to join

64
00:02:10,955 --> 00:02:13,275
our kinky community through Patreon and get access

65
00:02:13,275 --> 00:02:15,754
to extra content and a discord server with

66
00:02:15,754 --> 00:02:17,629
a bunch of other kinksters, where we're all

67
00:02:17,629 --> 00:02:19,950
just, like, living our lives and bitching about

68
00:02:19,950 --> 00:02:22,750
stuff and sharing our weird photos and talking

69
00:02:22,750 --> 00:02:25,954
about our interests and having conversations about kink,

70
00:02:25,954 --> 00:02:27,555
you can do that. Just join us at

71
00:02:27,555 --> 00:02:28,055
patreon.com/kayla

72
00:02:29,634 --> 00:02:31,014
lords. That's patreon.com/kayla

73
00:02:32,194 --> 00:02:33,870
lords or use the link in the show

74
00:02:33,949 --> 00:02:34,449
notes.

75
00:02:35,229 --> 00:02:36,930
Okay. Before we get into the topic,

76
00:02:38,830 --> 00:02:40,590
back from our break. Mhmm. Trying to get

77
00:02:40,590 --> 00:02:42,509
back into the swing of things. We are

78
00:02:42,509 --> 00:02:43,655
once again sponsoring

79
00:02:44,215 --> 00:02:45,594
almost said we. Us.

80
00:02:46,455 --> 00:02:48,615
I'm just here to remind you the the

81
00:02:48,615 --> 00:02:49,754
kinkery thekinkery.com.

82
00:02:50,455 --> 00:02:52,155
Mhmm. It exists. It's a thing.

83
00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:54,530
We sell kinky fuckery,

84
00:02:54,830 --> 00:02:56,689
mostly impact, but also sensation.

85
00:02:57,790 --> 00:02:59,504
We're a little low on some stuff right

86
00:02:59,504 --> 00:03:00,985
now. So if there's something you're like, oh,

87
00:03:00,985 --> 00:03:02,264
I'm interested in that, but you are out

88
00:03:02,264 --> 00:03:03,384
of it. You can get on our wait

89
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:05,384
list. That way, when we do restock, you

90
00:03:05,384 --> 00:03:06,770
get an email. And you're not on our

91
00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:08,530
email list when you do that. It's just

92
00:03:08,530 --> 00:03:10,469
for, hey, we got a product in. Mhmm.

93
00:03:10,689 --> 00:03:12,949
But we got paddles and canes and

94
00:03:13,250 --> 00:03:15,354
things we call thick sticks, which is like

95
00:03:15,974 --> 00:03:18,534
a unholy cross between a paddle and a

96
00:03:18,534 --> 00:03:20,634
cane. Oh my. Oh my.

97
00:03:21,495 --> 00:03:23,870
We have evil sticks and diabolical sticks.

98
00:03:24,969 --> 00:03:26,330
And if we can make it hurt and

99
00:03:26,330 --> 00:03:28,330
it be impact, we will we will do

100
00:03:28,330 --> 00:03:29,150
what we can to

101
00:03:29,849 --> 00:03:30,750
to create it.

102
00:03:31,854 --> 00:03:33,935
And so, yeah, the kinkery is a thing.

103
00:03:33,935 --> 00:03:35,794
We are sponsoring we, thekinkery.com.

104
00:03:36,974 --> 00:03:38,995
Thank you to us for sponsoring us. Okay.

105
00:03:40,644 --> 00:03:41,634
Let's talk about

106
00:03:41,939 --> 00:03:42,680
imposter syndrome.

107
00:03:43,060 --> 00:03:46,819
So first off, let's define imposter syndrome. Now

108
00:03:46,819 --> 00:03:49,219
do you have for yourself kind of how

109
00:03:49,219 --> 00:03:51,735
you how you think of that term, of

110
00:03:51,735 --> 00:03:53,995
what that means to have impostor syndrome? Yeah.

111
00:03:54,455 --> 00:03:55,354
And that is?

112
00:03:55,814 --> 00:03:56,314
Yeah.

113
00:03:57,655 --> 00:03:59,414
You're making me bang the table too early

114
00:03:59,414 --> 00:04:00,314
in this episode.

115
00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:05,860
I have achieved my goal early. Oh my

116
00:04:05,919 --> 00:04:06,419
god.

117
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,299
No. I I think the way I,

118
00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:13,425
more recently or, you know, at this point,

119
00:04:14,044 --> 00:04:15,004
I think the way I,

120
00:04:16,365 --> 00:04:16,865
experience

121
00:04:17,404 --> 00:04:17,904
imposter

122
00:04:18,779 --> 00:04:20,399
syndrome is through my,

123
00:04:20,699 --> 00:04:21,199
making.

124
00:04:21,660 --> 00:04:23,899
Yeah. Your professional life. Mhmm. Your creative life.

125
00:04:23,899 --> 00:04:26,274
Yeah. And most people, when you hear imposter

126
00:04:26,274 --> 00:04:29,154
syndrome, we are thinking work related. Mhmm. And

127
00:04:29,154 --> 00:04:31,574
how does impostor syndrome make you feel?

128
00:04:32,834 --> 00:04:33,334
Horrible.

129
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,139
You're trying to make me get blood from

130
00:04:38,139 --> 00:04:39,839
a turnip over here, aren't you?

131
00:04:42,860 --> 00:04:44,285
Would you like me just to to tell

132
00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:46,944
the nice people what imposter syndrome means?

133
00:04:52,110 --> 00:04:54,270
You know, no. It it it does not

134
00:04:54,270 --> 00:04:56,189
feel good because when it when it kicks

135
00:04:56,189 --> 00:04:56,689
in,

136
00:04:57,470 --> 00:04:58,290
excuse me,

137
00:04:58,670 --> 00:04:59,490
full force,

138
00:05:02,795 --> 00:05:04,735
You know, it, it it

139
00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:07,754
can kinda hit it it, you know, self

140
00:05:07,754 --> 00:05:08,814
doubt. Mhmm.

141
00:05:11,050 --> 00:05:12,569
And, you know, at that point then you're

142
00:05:12,569 --> 00:05:13,470
you're questioning.

143
00:05:14,329 --> 00:05:17,370
Are there certain things you are specific things

144
00:05:17,370 --> 00:05:19,435
you are thinking to yourself when you are

145
00:05:19,435 --> 00:05:21,594
feeling impostor syndrome? Are there certain thoughts that

146
00:05:21,594 --> 00:05:23,055
are Oh, I'm such a hack.

147
00:05:23,594 --> 00:05:26,479
Do you really think that, ma'am? You are

148
00:05:26,479 --> 00:05:26,979
not.

149
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,240
Either way, you are not. By the way,

150
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:30,740
thecakecurry.com,

151
00:05:31,199 --> 00:05:32,660
where he thinks it's not hack.

152
00:05:35,675 --> 00:05:38,314
Do you ever kind of have this in

153
00:05:38,314 --> 00:05:40,235
in any experience you've had with impostor syndrome,

154
00:05:40,235 --> 00:05:41,615
have do you ever have the

155
00:05:41,915 --> 00:05:44,649
I'm a fraud, I don't belong here,

156
00:05:45,430 --> 00:05:47,269
people are gonna figure out I'm actually no

157
00:05:47,269 --> 00:05:47,769
good?

158
00:05:48,149 --> 00:05:49,290
You know, I

159
00:05:50,069 --> 00:05:52,069
there there are times I I think the

160
00:05:53,335 --> 00:05:54,655
not so much that I'm a fraud, but,

161
00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,555
you know, the more of, you know,

162
00:05:57,095 --> 00:05:58,615
do I really belong here? Is it, you

163
00:05:58,615 --> 00:06:00,134
know, am I am I a part of

164
00:06:00,134 --> 00:06:01,275
this? You know,

165
00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:03,939
am I as good as I think I

166
00:06:03,939 --> 00:06:06,180
am? Or, you you know What happened? I

167
00:06:06,180 --> 00:06:07,620
know I know how I feel, so this

168
00:06:07,620 --> 00:06:08,680
is a leading question.

169
00:06:10,115 --> 00:06:10,615
How

170
00:06:10,915 --> 00:06:12,675
when you're feeling impostor syndrome, when you're in

171
00:06:12,675 --> 00:06:14,834
that mode and you come across somebody who

172
00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:16,855
does something similar to what you do,

173
00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:20,420
What is that what does that feel like?

174
00:06:20,420 --> 00:06:21,639
What are you thinking then?

175
00:06:22,180 --> 00:06:22,680
Oh.

176
00:06:23,459 --> 00:06:25,860
You know, there there are times I look

177
00:06:25,860 --> 00:06:28,345
at and and and this is why

178
00:06:29,285 --> 00:06:31,545
I I I try to stay away sometimes,

179
00:06:32,884 --> 00:06:35,305
seeing what other people have have done,

180
00:06:36,339 --> 00:06:37,000
You know,

181
00:06:38,020 --> 00:06:39,699
there and and the thing is and I

182
00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:41,540
have to understand this, you know, and and

183
00:06:41,540 --> 00:06:43,620
there are several people I follow who I

184
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:45,444
believe do amazing work. And,

185
00:06:46,944 --> 00:06:48,145
you know, I look at them and I

186
00:06:48,145 --> 00:06:49,685
have to tell myself, you know,

187
00:06:49,985 --> 00:06:50,805
they have

188
00:06:52,519 --> 00:06:53,899
a huge amount of experience.

189
00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:56,680
Mhmm. Okay. This you know, one of these

190
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:59,560
people that I that I know, they worked

191
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:00,220
as a,

192
00:07:01,564 --> 00:07:02,064
carpenter.

193
00:07:03,245 --> 00:07:05,824
You know, cabinetry. Cab cabinetry.

194
00:07:06,204 --> 00:07:07,985
Is that cabinetry? Yeah. That's Yeah.

195
00:07:08,925 --> 00:07:09,665
You know,

196
00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:12,339
so they know

197
00:07:12,959 --> 00:07:15,540
a good deal. Plus they have tools that

198
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:17,680
Right, sure. You know, I I have

199
00:07:18,595 --> 00:07:21,314
Right. You're looking at your chapter 5, and

200
00:07:21,314 --> 00:07:23,634
they're on chapter 20. Yes. Right? You're level

201
00:07:23,634 --> 00:07:25,475
5. They're, let's do the game. You're level

202
00:07:25,475 --> 00:07:27,014
5, they're level 20. So,

203
00:07:27,350 --> 00:07:30,410
you admire what they do, but you understand

204
00:07:31,189 --> 00:07:33,029
that they are they're just been in the

205
00:07:33,029 --> 00:07:35,189
game long. And and I I you know,

206
00:07:35,189 --> 00:07:36,550
and that's what I have to tell myself.

207
00:07:36,550 --> 00:07:39,036
You know, they've been at this a lot

208
00:07:39,036 --> 00:07:42,015
longer than I am. They have tools that

209
00:07:42,015 --> 00:07:43,877
are, you know, way above

210
00:07:44,329 --> 00:07:46,170
Sure. What I have and what I can

211
00:07:46,170 --> 00:07:48,810
do. So, you know, that is kinda what

212
00:07:48,810 --> 00:07:50,269
I have to keep

213
00:07:50,569 --> 00:07:52,329
telling myself. And that makes a good point

214
00:07:52,329 --> 00:07:53,814
that we'll get into as we talk about

215
00:07:53,894 --> 00:07:56,134
impost syndrome and kink is that just a

216
00:07:56,134 --> 00:07:58,535
reminder that comparison is the thief of joy.

217
00:07:58,535 --> 00:08:00,375
Okay? Yeah. If you are or if you

218
00:08:00,375 --> 00:08:02,769
are looking at yourself in terms of professionally,

219
00:08:03,229 --> 00:08:06,029
your kink life, your kink role in identity,

220
00:08:06,029 --> 00:08:08,535
whatever, and you're looking at somebody else and

221
00:08:08,615 --> 00:08:09,435
comparing yourself,

222
00:08:09,814 --> 00:08:12,375
you're probably going to feel miserable anyway. Yeah.

223
00:08:12,375 --> 00:08:14,134
But, again, it's a, I've been doing this

224
00:08:14,134 --> 00:08:15,954
for 5 minutes, and they've been doing this

225
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,473
for 5 years. There's gonna be a difference.

226
00:08:18,473 --> 00:08:21,306
Now, you know and and that is my

227
00:08:21,621 --> 00:08:24,305
that is on my creative side. Mhmm. In

228
00:08:24,305 --> 00:08:24,805
in

229
00:08:25,824 --> 00:08:27,764
the DS, in the Power Exchange,

230
00:08:29,345 --> 00:08:32,085
I will tell you that early on Mhmm.

231
00:08:33,129 --> 00:08:34,009
When I first,

232
00:08:34,409 --> 00:08:35,549
entered the lifestyle,

233
00:08:37,690 --> 00:08:40,169
oh, the imposter syndrome was strong with me

234
00:08:40,169 --> 00:08:40,669
then.

235
00:08:41,095 --> 00:08:43,495
And we will get into that about how

236
00:08:43,495 --> 00:08:45,254
you have I don't think you deal with

237
00:08:45,254 --> 00:08:47,495
it now. No. Not not in that no.

238
00:08:47,495 --> 00:08:50,269
Which and I will I'll say that, yes,

239
00:08:50,350 --> 00:08:53,410
creatively and professionally, I have absolutely gone through,

240
00:08:54,110 --> 00:08:55,970
imposter syndrome, experienced it.

241
00:08:56,509 --> 00:08:58,684
I still experience it now creatively.

242
00:08:59,785 --> 00:09:01,945
Not necessarily professionally, but when I do something

243
00:09:01,945 --> 00:09:04,424
creative that then I wanna, like, tell people

244
00:09:04,424 --> 00:09:06,365
I'm doing and that's when it kicks in.

245
00:09:07,919 --> 00:09:10,639
As a kinky person with being submissive, being

246
00:09:10,639 --> 00:09:11,539
in a power exchange,

247
00:09:12,159 --> 00:09:15,220
knock on wood, I have not experienced imposter

248
00:09:15,279 --> 00:09:15,779
syndrome,

249
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:19,424
and I'm grateful for that. So I definitely

250
00:09:19,424 --> 00:09:20,944
want us to talk about your experience with

251
00:09:20,944 --> 00:09:22,164
it, but let's get through

252
00:09:22,544 --> 00:09:24,704
what the hell is impostor syndrome. So What

253
00:09:24,704 --> 00:09:26,464
is it? First of all, I there

254
00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:29,730
if you Google impostor syndrome, it's like 10

255
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:33,410
I bet there's kajillion billion results because it

256
00:09:33,410 --> 00:09:34,309
is a very

257
00:09:34,715 --> 00:09:37,195
common experience. It's something that is talked about

258
00:09:37,195 --> 00:09:38,875
all over the place. It is not a

259
00:09:38,875 --> 00:09:39,375
diagnosable

260
00:09:39,835 --> 00:09:42,235
thing, but it is a common experience. I

261
00:09:42,235 --> 00:09:44,500
decided we would get the n I s

262
00:09:44,660 --> 00:09:45,160
nih.what?govwebsite,

263
00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:49,720
because I felt like that was official.

264
00:09:51,139 --> 00:09:53,565
And I learned that, 1, imposter syndrome as

265
00:09:53,565 --> 00:09:55,725
a term was coined in the seventies. I

266
00:09:55,725 --> 00:09:57,085
did not know it was that old. It

267
00:09:57,085 --> 00:09:58,945
feels like a 21st century

268
00:09:59,589 --> 00:10:00,570
talking point,

269
00:10:01,190 --> 00:10:02,950
but really yeah. The idea of it's been

270
00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:05,429
around for a very long time. And it

271
00:10:05,429 --> 00:10:05,929
is

272
00:10:07,605 --> 00:10:10,585
defined as feelings of self doubt or inadequacy

273
00:10:11,445 --> 00:10:14,399
often experienced by otherwise high achieving adults.

274
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:17,059
Let's see.

275
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:20,320
It says in 2020, there was a review

276
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,059
of 62

277
00:10:21,894 --> 00:10:22,375
studies,

278
00:10:22,855 --> 00:10:24,615
and that showed the prevalence rates,

279
00:10:24,934 --> 00:10:27,894
of imposter syndrome as high as 56 to

280
00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:28,394
82%

281
00:10:28,774 --> 00:10:32,300
in graduate students, college students, nurses, medical students,

282
00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:33,279
and other professions.

283
00:10:33,980 --> 00:10:35,600
Symptoms can include psychological

284
00:10:35,980 --> 00:10:37,120
stress, anxiety,

285
00:10:37,420 --> 00:10:39,345
depression, burnout, exhaustion,

286
00:10:39,985 --> 00:10:42,865
avoidance of high level or demanding tasks, rigid

287
00:10:42,865 --> 00:10:46,225
thinking, and dismissal of positive feedback. Wow. Anybody

288
00:10:46,225 --> 00:10:48,350
who's cringing at that last one, please don't

289
00:10:48,350 --> 00:10:50,610
tell me there's something good about me. Mhmm.

290
00:10:50,669 --> 00:10:52,769
I know. I know. Moimie, I know.

291
00:10:54,334 --> 00:10:55,855
One thing I want to make sure we

292
00:10:55,855 --> 00:10:58,095
talk about and sort of point out here

293
00:10:58,095 --> 00:11:00,414
when we talk about impostor syndrome because while

294
00:11:00,414 --> 00:11:01,394
it is true

295
00:11:10,579 --> 00:11:11,715
true That

296
00:11:13,055 --> 00:11:15,375
this is well, imposter syndrome is common and

297
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:18,035
can occur across any age group, gender, profession,

298
00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:19,235
or racial demographic.

299
00:11:20,250 --> 00:11:21,470
Individuals from,

300
00:11:22,089 --> 00:11:24,169
can I say this word right? Minoritized I

301
00:11:24,169 --> 00:11:26,029
would have said marginalized, but minoritized

302
00:11:26,569 --> 00:11:27,069
groups

303
00:11:27,449 --> 00:11:30,004
may be more likely to experience it due

304
00:11:30,004 --> 00:11:32,585
to racism, social stigmas, and microaggressions.

305
00:11:33,285 --> 00:11:35,925
So we can all experience it In some

306
00:11:36,165 --> 00:11:38,080
no matter who we are, but there will

307
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:40,720
be a separate experience of this if you

308
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:42,339
are a part of a marginalized community.

309
00:11:43,039 --> 00:11:45,120
And we can't for forget that. That's why

310
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:46,179
there will be times,

311
00:11:46,884 --> 00:11:49,865
you know, somebody is experiencing imposter syndrome,

312
00:11:50,404 --> 00:11:52,485
and they are very wary of the group

313
00:11:52,485 --> 00:11:53,945
they're in, and it's not

314
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:57,519
because of anything overt. It is absolutely what

315
00:11:57,519 --> 00:11:59,360
what people expect to happen based on past

316
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:02,339
experiences because shit does happen. Yeah. So,

317
00:12:02,879 --> 00:12:05,325
basically, yeah, that feeling like you don't belong,

318
00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:06,544
you're not good enough,

319
00:12:06,924 --> 00:12:09,644
you can't you know, you aren't who you

320
00:12:09,644 --> 00:12:11,490
say you are, even though deep deep down

321
00:12:11,490 --> 00:12:13,490
you clearly believe it. Like, the nice thing

322
00:12:13,490 --> 00:12:15,330
about kink is we we can change our

323
00:12:15,330 --> 00:12:17,410
minds at any point. Right? We can learn

324
00:12:17,410 --> 00:12:19,134
something new about ourselves and go, okay. I

325
00:12:19,134 --> 00:12:21,214
thought I was submissive, but maybe I'm more

326
00:12:21,214 --> 00:12:23,074
dominant. I thought I was just,

327
00:12:24,014 --> 00:12:26,649
you know, into this, but actually I switch

328
00:12:26,809 --> 00:12:29,149
or, actually, I do this. Right? Mhmm. But

329
00:12:29,210 --> 00:12:30,990
you can know that about yourself.

330
00:12:31,450 --> 00:12:33,129
You can decide that, but you can also

331
00:12:33,129 --> 00:12:35,290
know deeply who you are and yet still

332
00:12:35,290 --> 00:12:37,764
feel the most common way to describe imposter

333
00:12:37,764 --> 00:12:39,445
syndrome is like a fraud. Like, you're faking

334
00:12:39,445 --> 00:12:41,785
it. Like, somebody's gonna figure out

335
00:12:42,404 --> 00:12:44,644
that you're not legit. Right? Like, you don't

336
00:12:44,644 --> 00:12:46,240
belong here, that kind of feeling.

337
00:12:46,620 --> 00:12:49,659
And the feeling like you don't belong within

338
00:12:49,659 --> 00:12:51,679
a group, a community, in a role,

339
00:12:52,299 --> 00:12:54,445
I want to make clear that sometimes that

340
00:12:54,445 --> 00:12:57,725
is an internalized feeling because of imposter syndrome

341
00:12:57,725 --> 00:12:59,745
and other things, and sometimes it's because

342
00:13:00,285 --> 00:13:01,884
you just happen to be in a sea

343
00:13:01,884 --> 00:13:03,170
of assholes. And

344
00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:05,550
so you do have to kinda figure out,

345
00:13:05,550 --> 00:13:07,389
wait. Am I in a shitty group of

346
00:13:07,389 --> 00:13:08,370
people who are

347
00:13:08,670 --> 00:13:10,670
treating me poorly, and so, of course, I

348
00:13:10,670 --> 00:13:12,285
feel this way. Mhmm. Or

349
00:13:12,665 --> 00:13:15,625
is this something that's maybe more within myself

350
00:13:15,625 --> 00:13:18,205
that I gotta work on, gain some confidence,

351
00:13:18,820 --> 00:13:21,139
and I'll move past this feeling at some

352
00:13:21,139 --> 00:13:22,519
point. Yeah. So

353
00:13:23,059 --> 00:13:24,899
that's I'm using that as a definition. It

354
00:13:24,899 --> 00:13:26,580
is LinkedIn places. If you would like to

355
00:13:26,580 --> 00:13:27,795
go read it for yourself,

356
00:13:28,335 --> 00:13:29,154
feel free.

357
00:13:30,014 --> 00:13:31,154
So okay.

358
00:13:32,815 --> 00:13:35,980
I want to talk about 2 sides as

359
00:13:35,980 --> 00:13:38,779
I see it of imposter syndrome in kink

360
00:13:38,779 --> 00:13:40,080
specifically. Okay?

361
00:13:40,460 --> 00:13:41,519
And that is

362
00:13:42,139 --> 00:13:44,654
within the kink community, the Mhmm. You know,

363
00:13:44,654 --> 00:13:45,154
your

364
00:13:45,535 --> 00:13:47,294
experience in the kink community, and that can

365
00:13:47,294 --> 00:13:49,375
be online and that can be in person.

366
00:13:49,375 --> 00:13:51,080
It doesn't matter. It's where you are

367
00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:54,860
amongst other kinky people and feeling imposter syndrome.

368
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:55,899
And then

369
00:13:56,519 --> 00:13:59,285
within your relationship as a submissive, as a

370
00:13:59,285 --> 00:14:02,345
dominant, as a whatever your identity and role

371
00:14:02,644 --> 00:14:05,365
and preferred things are in kink, within relationships

372
00:14:05,365 --> 00:14:07,705
or just how you feel internally about yourself,

373
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:09,299
even when you're not

374
00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:11,279
out at the munch trying to play Marty

375
00:14:11,279 --> 00:14:13,279
or at the dungeon? Because I think there's

376
00:14:13,279 --> 00:14:16,660
a Venn diagram where there's some overlap of

377
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:18,774
you can experience and feel

378
00:14:19,394 --> 00:14:21,794
the same things regardless, and they can even

379
00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:23,714
come from the same place, but I do

380
00:14:23,714 --> 00:14:25,495
think they're kind of distinct

381
00:14:26,470 --> 00:14:29,509
in the way that having imposter syndrome in

382
00:14:29,509 --> 00:14:30,970
a community aspect

383
00:14:31,750 --> 00:14:34,075
can often be about bad tapes you've got

384
00:14:34,075 --> 00:14:35,215
from past experiences,

385
00:14:35,995 --> 00:14:38,634
your, you know, identity and how that's treated

386
00:14:38,634 --> 00:14:40,315
by groups of people. Right.

387
00:14:41,195 --> 00:14:43,600
The shitty people around you. Whereas

388
00:14:44,379 --> 00:14:46,720
in your own identity, in your own relationships,

389
00:14:47,019 --> 00:14:49,980
sometimes it's a shitty partner who's allowing you

390
00:14:49,980 --> 00:14:51,565
and doing things that make you feel that

391
00:14:51,565 --> 00:14:53,965
way. Mhmm. Always the number one check is

392
00:14:53,965 --> 00:14:56,705
this imposter syndrome, or am I surrounded by

393
00:14:57,485 --> 00:14:59,884
dumbasses? Right? Like, you do the self check.

394
00:14:59,884 --> 00:15:02,789
Yeah. But maybe you're in a loving relationship

395
00:15:02,929 --> 00:15:05,589
and that you're happy with your partner or

396
00:15:05,809 --> 00:15:08,470
things are good there, but internally, you don't

397
00:15:08,529 --> 00:15:11,235
feel like you are enough, that you're real,

398
00:15:11,235 --> 00:15:12,214
that whatever whatever.

399
00:15:13,315 --> 00:15:15,334
I feel like while there is some crossover,

400
00:15:15,634 --> 00:15:17,095
those are 2 distinct

401
00:15:17,639 --> 00:15:18,139
experiences

402
00:15:18,519 --> 00:15:20,600
because a lot of imposter syndrome in group

403
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,279
settings, if we take it back to professional

404
00:15:22,279 --> 00:15:22,940
and academic,

405
00:15:23,879 --> 00:15:25,105
sometimes it is about

406
00:15:25,584 --> 00:15:27,824
how either that current group or past experience,

407
00:15:27,824 --> 00:15:29,424
how we've been treated and then how we

408
00:15:29,424 --> 00:15:30,945
expect to be treated when we walk into

409
00:15:30,945 --> 00:15:32,485
that space versus

410
00:15:32,909 --> 00:15:34,590
this is a a thing I know about

411
00:15:34,590 --> 00:15:35,409
my identity,

412
00:15:36,590 --> 00:15:38,830
and I'm in this relationship, and I still

413
00:15:38,830 --> 00:15:39,970
feel like a fraud.

414
00:15:40,269 --> 00:15:42,286
Again, the Venn diagram of those two things

415
00:15:42,286 --> 00:15:44,991
there is definite overlap. Right? But Mhmm. For

416
00:15:44,991 --> 00:15:47,044
some people, those can be 2 distinct things,

417
00:15:47,044 --> 00:15:48,129
so I just wanna, like,

418
00:15:49,809 --> 00:15:52,450
approach them as 2 distinct things Yeah. Knowing

419
00:15:52,450 --> 00:15:53,970
that there will be overlap. I don't need

420
00:15:53,970 --> 00:15:55,934
the comment or the email or the message

421
00:15:55,934 --> 00:15:58,355
that you it's both. I know. Okay?

422
00:16:00,654 --> 00:16:03,394
So let's start with community Mhmm.

423
00:16:04,110 --> 00:16:04,850
Because, I mean,

424
00:16:05,710 --> 00:16:06,929
I have I have thoughts

425
00:16:07,470 --> 00:16:08,289
about how

426
00:16:08,669 --> 00:16:11,570
you might feel imposter syndrome within your community

427
00:16:12,509 --> 00:16:13,009
beyond,

428
00:16:13,504 --> 00:16:14,404
like, the microaggressions

429
00:16:14,784 --> 00:16:16,945
and being part of a marginalized community that's,

430
00:16:16,945 --> 00:16:17,605
you know,

431
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:20,625
just never in the majority when you're in

432
00:16:20,625 --> 00:16:22,700
a room, kind of, like, there's that. But

433
00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:24,559
I think there are other things that contribute

434
00:16:24,620 --> 00:16:25,120
to

435
00:16:26,540 --> 00:16:29,019
feeling imposter syndrome in a community setting at

436
00:16:29,019 --> 00:16:30,879
a munch, at a play party,

437
00:16:32,445 --> 00:16:33,985
at the dungeon, at a workshop,

438
00:16:34,445 --> 00:16:38,144
online scrolling, kinky Twitter, whatever whatever. Yeah.

439
00:16:38,845 --> 00:16:40,529
Do you have thoughts on that, on that

440
00:16:40,529 --> 00:16:41,829
kind of imposter syndrome?

441
00:16:43,809 --> 00:16:45,110
Kind of. Okay.

442
00:16:45,970 --> 00:16:47,970
This is sort of gonna make me get

443
00:16:47,970 --> 00:16:50,575
blood from a turnip again. Yeah.

444
00:16:52,634 --> 00:16:54,075
And you know the worth that just to

445
00:16:54,075 --> 00:16:55,054
see that look.

446
00:16:56,929 --> 00:16:58,309
And your thoughts are?

447
00:16:59,649 --> 00:17:01,110
I mean, like I said earlier,

448
00:17:01,809 --> 00:17:04,105
you know, especially early on when I I

449
00:17:04,105 --> 00:17:06,345
came into the into the community, into the

450
00:17:06,345 --> 00:17:07,484
lifestyle Mhmm.

451
00:17:09,144 --> 00:17:10,924
I was I was very excited.

452
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,579
You know, because I had found

453
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,579
a group of people

454
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,579
that liked the

455
00:17:18,865 --> 00:17:21,424
things that I like that I thought were,

456
00:17:21,424 --> 00:17:23,585
you know, kind of off the cuff at

457
00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:24,244
the time.

458
00:17:25,424 --> 00:17:27,524
And and that had me very excited.

459
00:17:28,099 --> 00:17:29,240
Now as I

460
00:17:30,419 --> 00:17:32,919
started immersing myself more

461
00:17:33,380 --> 00:17:33,880
into

462
00:17:34,740 --> 00:17:35,559
the community,

463
00:17:37,144 --> 00:17:38,765
I think that's when,

464
00:17:39,545 --> 00:17:42,845
for me, imposter syndrome started creeping in.

465
00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:46,319
The people I was exposed to

466
00:17:46,940 --> 00:17:48,799
at that time in the in the community

467
00:17:48,940 --> 00:17:51,055
coming in, a lot of them at that

468
00:17:51,055 --> 00:17:53,455
time had already been in the community Mhmm.

469
00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:54,994
A long time. Mhmm.

470
00:17:55,934 --> 00:17:57,315
Long time. And,

471
00:17:57,775 --> 00:17:59,775
you know, they they were they they were

472
00:17:59,775 --> 00:18:00,609
teaching. You

473
00:18:03,617 --> 00:18:04,117
know,

474
00:18:07,204 --> 00:18:09,045
you know, I I was soaking this stuff

475
00:18:09,045 --> 00:18:10,184
up like a sponge

476
00:18:11,204 --> 00:18:13,204
and yet I'm looking at them and like

477
00:18:14,299 --> 00:18:15,119
oh my gosh.

478
00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:17,740
I I I can never be what they

479
00:18:17,740 --> 00:18:18,240
are.

480
00:18:18,539 --> 00:18:19,759
I can never do

481
00:18:20,059 --> 00:18:22,779
what they do. Mhmm. You know? And and

482
00:18:22,779 --> 00:18:23,440
I kept,

483
00:18:25,724 --> 00:18:27,964
that that always was niggling in the back

484
00:18:27,964 --> 00:18:29,345
of my mind. Mhmm.

485
00:18:29,964 --> 00:18:31,904
And and I think what eventually

486
00:18:34,799 --> 00:18:35,299
helped

487
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:37,539
change that

488
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:39,140
was when I

489
00:18:39,599 --> 00:18:40,099
realized

490
00:18:40,765 --> 00:18:41,265
that,

491
00:18:41,805 --> 00:18:43,585
hey, this this kink

492
00:18:45,164 --> 00:18:47,664
stuff, it's what I make of it. Mhmm.

493
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:50,630
Okay? I don't have to do what

494
00:18:51,250 --> 00:18:53,330
that person does. I don't have to, you

495
00:18:53,330 --> 00:18:53,830
know,

496
00:18:54,289 --> 00:18:56,529
be into what what that other person likes

497
00:18:56,529 --> 00:18:58,605
and this and that, you know, and and

498
00:18:58,605 --> 00:18:59,984
do it exactly the way

499
00:19:00,525 --> 00:19:01,664
they do it. I

500
00:19:02,525 --> 00:19:04,045
have to do it in a way that

501
00:19:04,045 --> 00:19:05,265
makes me happy

502
00:19:06,420 --> 00:19:09,140
and pleases my partner. And that's really what

503
00:19:09,140 --> 00:19:11,299
matters as far as that goes. Was there

504
00:19:11,299 --> 00:19:11,960
a specific

505
00:19:12,259 --> 00:19:14,085
thing that happened or was there an amount

506
00:19:14,085 --> 00:19:16,005
of time that went by when you finally

507
00:19:16,005 --> 00:19:17,684
got to that point? For I you know,

508
00:19:17,684 --> 00:19:19,545
it it's probably gonna be different for everybody.

509
00:19:19,605 --> 00:19:20,105
Absolutely.

510
00:19:21,109 --> 00:19:22,789
For me, it was just a matter of

511
00:19:22,789 --> 00:19:23,289
time.

512
00:19:23,750 --> 00:19:25,670
You just had to be around it enough.

513
00:19:25,670 --> 00:19:27,750
Yeah. And I I think that that that

514
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:30,615
makes complete sense. I have I have been

515
00:19:30,615 --> 00:19:32,774
in rooms where we're looked upon like that.

516
00:19:32,774 --> 00:19:34,454
It makes me deeply uncomfortable because I'm like,

517
00:19:34,454 --> 00:19:35,894
no. No. No. We are just weirdos with

518
00:19:35,894 --> 00:19:38,294
a microphone and an Internet connection. Right. Right.

519
00:19:38,294 --> 00:19:40,309
We overshare on the Internet. Like, that is

520
00:19:40,309 --> 00:19:41,990
that is all we are. Right? Right. Right.

521
00:19:41,990 --> 00:19:43,750
So I've I've been on the receiving end

522
00:19:43,750 --> 00:19:45,450
of that, but I've certainly been

523
00:19:46,309 --> 00:19:48,575
in community spaces where I have seen what

524
00:19:48,575 --> 00:19:51,394
other people are achieving and are doing with

525
00:19:51,535 --> 00:19:52,914
their experience and knowledge.

526
00:19:53,375 --> 00:19:56,174
And I have had conversations with people who

527
00:19:56,174 --> 00:19:58,390
say something something similar of, like, I can't

528
00:19:58,390 --> 00:20:00,230
imagine getting to that point. I'm sure I'll

529
00:20:00,230 --> 00:20:02,169
never will. And it

530
00:20:02,789 --> 00:20:03,289
is,

531
00:20:04,184 --> 00:20:05,625
first of all, it's it is a time

532
00:20:05,625 --> 00:20:07,865
thing. I agree completely. Yeah. Also, it's just

533
00:20:07,865 --> 00:20:09,484
kind of the more you're around

534
00:20:10,265 --> 00:20:12,365
people that you're seeing as somehow,

535
00:20:12,744 --> 00:20:14,970
you know, at a at a different level

536
00:20:14,970 --> 00:20:16,250
of life than you are. And in some

537
00:20:16,250 --> 00:20:17,950
ways, they are because of the experience.

538
00:20:19,289 --> 00:20:21,549
You know, I think the more you're around

539
00:20:22,009 --> 00:20:24,265
those people within your community,

540
00:20:25,605 --> 00:20:27,525
the easier it is to just kind of

541
00:20:27,525 --> 00:20:30,325
remember that they're also just weirdos, maybe not

542
00:20:30,325 --> 00:20:32,039
on the Internet, maybe at the front of

543
00:20:32,039 --> 00:20:33,820
the room. You know, they're just

544
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:36,299
people living their life. They're flawed.

545
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:39,579
They're they're not doing everything perfectly. They're

546
00:20:40,085 --> 00:20:41,605
screwing up left, right, and center just like

547
00:20:41,605 --> 00:20:42,805
the rest of us. They're gonna make their

548
00:20:42,805 --> 00:20:44,884
own kink mistakes. They're gonna like, all of

549
00:20:44,884 --> 00:20:46,164
that. And I think that a little bit

550
00:20:46,164 --> 00:20:47,481
of that is is some almost exposure to

551
00:20:47,481 --> 00:20:47,580
it. The the longer you are around these

552
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:48,859
people that, you know, exposure to it. The

553
00:20:48,859 --> 00:20:49,511
the longer you are around these people that,

554
00:20:49,511 --> 00:20:49,968
you know, you kind of maybe put up

555
00:20:49,968 --> 00:20:51,200
on a bit of a pedestal

556
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:53,139
or you think that you are somehow removed

557
00:20:53,139 --> 00:20:53,845
from them because you're at the beginning of

558
00:20:53,845 --> 00:20:53,853
the day, you're at the beginning of the

559
00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:53,861
day, you're at the beginning of the day.

560
00:20:53,861 --> 00:20:53,869
You're at the beginning of the day. You're

561
00:20:53,869 --> 00:20:53,878
at the beginning of the day. You're at

562
00:20:53,878 --> 00:20:53,886
the beginning of the day. You're at the

563
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:53,894
beginning of the day. You're at the beginning

564
00:20:53,894 --> 00:20:55,200
of the day. You're at the beginning

565
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,755
think that you are somehow removed from them

566
00:20:59,055 --> 00:21:01,055
because you're at the beginning stages and they're

567
00:21:01,055 --> 00:21:01,555
not,

568
00:21:02,174 --> 00:21:05,029
just more interaction, the maybe some of that

569
00:21:05,029 --> 00:21:08,049
can can lessen a bit. You know? Yeah.

570
00:21:08,509 --> 00:21:10,509
I know for me, you know, I'm easily

571
00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:13,524
not intimidated. I just very uncomfortable meeting new

572
00:21:13,524 --> 00:21:16,005
people and talking to people. But when I

573
00:21:16,005 --> 00:21:18,484
perceive somebody to do a thing better than

574
00:21:18,484 --> 00:21:20,105
I do, to have more experience,

575
00:21:20,740 --> 00:21:22,980
I I tend to be more reserved and

576
00:21:22,980 --> 00:21:24,980
and I'm sort of waiting to make a

577
00:21:24,980 --> 00:21:25,960
a fool of myself.

578
00:21:28,744 --> 00:21:32,105
The vast majority of people and I include

579
00:21:32,105 --> 00:21:34,204
ourselves in this because we have been in

580
00:21:34,345 --> 00:21:35,769
in spaces where people

581
00:21:36,330 --> 00:21:38,170
looked at us the way we look at

582
00:21:38,170 --> 00:21:39,869
at other long term kinksters,

583
00:21:41,529 --> 00:21:43,070
is to remember that

584
00:21:43,529 --> 00:21:45,150
everybody that you admire

585
00:21:46,195 --> 00:21:47,875
started out as someone who didn't know what

586
00:21:47,875 --> 00:21:48,934
the fuck they were doing.

587
00:21:49,634 --> 00:21:52,275
Started out as clueless and lost as you

588
00:21:52,275 --> 00:21:54,240
are. None of us come out of the

589
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,960
womb, you know, handling a flogger. Like, it

590
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:58,740
just doesn't it doesn't work that way.

591
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:01,519
And if, you know, you can keep that

592
00:22:01,519 --> 00:22:02,259
in mind,

593
00:22:02,865 --> 00:22:04,884
again, like you said, it's a time thing.

594
00:22:05,505 --> 00:22:07,505
But after a while Yeah. And of course,

595
00:22:07,505 --> 00:22:08,945
as you gain your own footing as a

596
00:22:08,945 --> 00:22:09,950
kinky person.

597
00:22:10,909 --> 00:22:13,809
Also, quite frankly, once you start seeing these

598
00:22:14,190 --> 00:22:16,529
highly venerated people, like,

599
00:22:17,484 --> 00:22:20,144
be very human and flawed and imperfect,

600
00:22:20,924 --> 00:22:22,625
that can sometimes help too.

601
00:22:23,884 --> 00:22:25,804
You know, sometimes that happens in really bad

602
00:22:25,804 --> 00:22:29,089
ways where that venerated human being was

603
00:22:29,710 --> 00:22:30,210
trash.

604
00:22:31,230 --> 00:22:33,009
And sometimes it's just, you know,

605
00:22:33,470 --> 00:22:35,470
you watch somebody miss a swing in a

606
00:22:35,470 --> 00:22:37,234
scene on with a vlogger or,

607
00:22:37,775 --> 00:22:39,714
you know, you see somebody

608
00:22:40,654 --> 00:22:42,355
misspeak or you're like,

609
00:22:42,894 --> 00:22:45,200
how many times have y'all watched slash listen

610
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,599
to me lose my complete and total train

611
00:22:47,599 --> 00:22:49,920
of thought? Please please don't treat me like

612
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:52,019
I am somehow better than any fucking body.

613
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:52,579
Yeah.

614
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,240
But, you know, I think I think there

615
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:55,954
is something to that. You have your time

616
00:22:55,954 --> 00:22:57,514
that you put in and then you get

617
00:22:57,514 --> 00:23:00,914
to have enough experiences with people to realize,

618
00:23:00,914 --> 00:23:02,994
oh, no. They're Yeah. And and I think

619
00:23:02,994 --> 00:23:04,375
it's also a

620
00:23:06,259 --> 00:23:07,000
a mindset

621
00:23:09,539 --> 00:23:11,480
that you you have yourself.

622
00:23:12,285 --> 00:23:12,785
Alright?

623
00:23:14,924 --> 00:23:16,545
Because like I said too earlier,

624
00:23:16,924 --> 00:23:18,705
a good portion of that comes

625
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:23,356
comes out of the fact that,

626
00:23:24,319 --> 00:23:24,980
you know,

627
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:27,619
I'm I'm not doing this

628
00:23:29,044 --> 00:23:31,924
to gain approval of Right. This person. I

629
00:23:31,924 --> 00:23:34,484
I'm I'm not doing it because I want

630
00:23:34,484 --> 00:23:37,779
to emulate that person. I'm doing it what

631
00:23:37,779 --> 00:23:38,839
works for me,

632
00:23:39,619 --> 00:23:42,019
what makes me happy, what makes my partner

633
00:23:42,019 --> 00:23:42,519
happy.

634
00:23:43,220 --> 00:23:43,720
Okay?

635
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:45,000
And,

636
00:23:45,634 --> 00:23:47,075
you know, yeah, what they're doing is pretty

637
00:23:47,075 --> 00:23:48,434
cool, but, you know, what I'm doing is

638
00:23:48,434 --> 00:23:50,035
pretty cool too because I I do it,

639
00:23:50,035 --> 00:23:50,674
you know, for

640
00:23:52,890 --> 00:23:54,650
Yeah. And I agree completely. I think it

641
00:23:54,650 --> 00:23:55,630
goes back to

642
00:23:56,089 --> 00:23:57,630
in community spaces. Again,

643
00:23:58,410 --> 00:24:00,924
assuming that it is not the the members

644
00:24:00,924 --> 00:24:03,325
of the community who are the problem. Right?

645
00:24:03,325 --> 00:24:05,565
Mhmm. If it's an internal, like, feeling you

646
00:24:05,565 --> 00:24:08,365
have without there being something that has occurred

647
00:24:08,365 --> 00:24:09,565
that would make sense to you, it feel

648
00:24:09,565 --> 00:24:10,224
that way.

649
00:24:11,710 --> 00:24:13,710
You know, I think oh, shit. I just

650
00:24:13,710 --> 00:24:15,630
lost my train of thought. Goddamn it. See?

651
00:24:15,630 --> 00:24:17,549
It happens. It happens every fucking time. I

652
00:24:17,549 --> 00:24:20,174
had I had a thought. It was right

653
00:24:20,174 --> 00:24:20,674
there.

654
00:24:21,134 --> 00:24:23,394
Holy shit. Where was I going with it?

655
00:24:25,775 --> 00:24:27,700
Yes. Because it's the thing I I try

656
00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:29,779
to remind myself of all the time. It

657
00:24:29,779 --> 00:24:31,539
is a reminder that comparison is the thief

658
00:24:31,539 --> 00:24:32,980
of joy. Right? Like, if you walk into

659
00:24:32,980 --> 00:24:35,480
these kink spaces and you are more focused

660
00:24:35,619 --> 00:24:36,119
on

661
00:24:36,894 --> 00:24:38,654
what other people are doing and how they

662
00:24:38,654 --> 00:24:40,894
got there and less focused on what you

663
00:24:40,894 --> 00:24:42,494
are trying to achieve and what you are

664
00:24:42,494 --> 00:24:43,394
trying to experience,

665
00:24:43,990 --> 00:24:44,490
Sometimes

666
00:24:44,950 --> 00:24:47,269
it's imposter syndrome is all there is left.

667
00:24:47,269 --> 00:24:49,029
There's that feeling of, well, I'm not gonna

668
00:24:49,029 --> 00:24:51,644
ever do that, achieve that, be that. So

669
00:24:51,644 --> 00:24:53,424
maybe I don't belong here.

670
00:24:53,804 --> 00:24:54,304
And

671
00:24:54,684 --> 00:24:56,845
that is that's a mindset shift you've got

672
00:24:56,845 --> 00:24:58,450
to work your way through. Now, sometimes working

673
00:24:58,450 --> 00:25:00,609
your way through those mindset shifts is called

674
00:25:00,609 --> 00:25:01,109
therapy.

675
00:25:01,809 --> 00:25:03,650
And I highly recommend it for anybody who

676
00:25:03,650 --> 00:25:04,789
has access to it.

677
00:25:05,250 --> 00:25:07,169
And sometimes it's a little bit of self

678
00:25:07,169 --> 00:25:09,424
talk or it's talking to friends and people

679
00:25:09,484 --> 00:25:12,204
who legitimately care about you and don't give

680
00:25:12,204 --> 00:25:14,044
a fuck what your skill level is. They

681
00:25:14,044 --> 00:25:16,099
just want you to be a happy, healthy

682
00:25:16,099 --> 00:25:17,240
human being. Right?

683
00:25:17,700 --> 00:25:19,079
To be reminded that,

684
00:25:19,460 --> 00:25:20,359
1, again,

685
00:25:20,740 --> 00:25:23,375
everybody you're admiring or trying to emulate or

686
00:25:23,375 --> 00:25:24,914
thinking you're somehow supposed to

687
00:25:25,455 --> 00:25:28,255
started where you started. Right? And maybe even

688
00:25:28,255 --> 00:25:30,434
worse and more awkward. Like, quite frankly,

689
00:25:31,109 --> 00:25:33,109
I am so grateful I got to figure

690
00:25:33,109 --> 00:25:35,029
out I was kinky in the time of

691
00:25:35,029 --> 00:25:37,049
the Internet. Right? Like, I know

692
00:25:37,750 --> 00:25:39,795
most of your journey started in the early

693
00:25:39,875 --> 00:25:41,875
days of the Internet, but those very early

694
00:25:41,875 --> 00:25:43,015
years when you were

695
00:25:43,315 --> 00:25:46,595
experimenting with kinky things but did not have

696
00:25:46,595 --> 00:25:48,215
access to information and community

697
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:50,880
really fucked you up. Yeah. I did. I

698
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:52,960
did that. I am. Very fortunate now. Now

699
00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:55,200
the problem the other side of that coin

700
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:58,115
is we also will compare ourselves and then

701
00:25:58,115 --> 00:26:00,515
be miserable. So Mhmm. It's a double edged

702
00:26:00,515 --> 00:26:01,015
sword.

703
00:26:02,434 --> 00:26:04,195
But, yeah, it it's a mindset shift. I

704
00:26:04,195 --> 00:26:05,494
think it's a time thing.

705
00:26:05,809 --> 00:26:07,829
But always, the first test is,

706
00:26:08,929 --> 00:26:11,129
am I feeling like an imposter? Or Yeah.

707
00:26:11,329 --> 00:26:12,869
Do these people just suck?

708
00:26:13,274 --> 00:26:14,554
Sometimes you need to you just need to

709
00:26:14,554 --> 00:26:16,654
remove yourself from Mhmm. From the space.

710
00:26:18,154 --> 00:26:19,355
The other thing I think can

711
00:26:20,714 --> 00:26:22,095
and this is true of

712
00:26:23,009 --> 00:26:25,890
both just internal impostor syndrome within your power

713
00:26:25,890 --> 00:26:27,730
exchange and also just out in the kink

714
00:26:27,730 --> 00:26:29,569
community. One thing that comes to mind when

715
00:26:29,569 --> 00:26:31,650
I think of what can contribute to it

716
00:26:31,650 --> 00:26:32,150
is

717
00:26:32,744 --> 00:26:35,964
the one true wayism that's out there. Because

718
00:26:36,105 --> 00:26:37,625
some of us are gonna look at one

719
00:26:37,625 --> 00:26:40,509
true wayism and immediately fucking reject that bullshit.

720
00:26:40,650 --> 00:26:42,730
Get the fuck away from me. Hot damn.

721
00:26:42,730 --> 00:26:43,470
And some

722
00:26:43,929 --> 00:26:44,429
people

723
00:26:44,809 --> 00:26:46,890
are going to see that and go, oh,

724
00:26:46,890 --> 00:26:49,054
that is what kink is. That's what it's

725
00:26:49,054 --> 00:26:50,815
supposed to be. To try to do that.

726
00:26:50,815 --> 00:26:52,335
Then when they try to do that and

727
00:26:52,335 --> 00:26:54,575
it doesn't fit, they don't blame the one

728
00:26:54,575 --> 00:26:57,130
true way ism. They think it's something wrong

729
00:26:57,130 --> 00:26:59,450
with them, that they are somehow not kinky

730
00:26:59,450 --> 00:27:02,250
enough doing something wrong. Mhmm. You know, don't

731
00:27:02,250 --> 00:27:04,734
know how to do this, don't belong. And

732
00:27:04,734 --> 00:27:06,494
it's it's not that at all. It is

733
00:27:06,494 --> 00:27:08,015
that they are trying to follow a path

734
00:27:08,015 --> 00:27:09,555
that is not right for them.

735
00:27:10,015 --> 00:27:12,390
Yeah. And that is again, that's part of

736
00:27:12,390 --> 00:27:14,470
the the crossing over Venn diagram that's gonna

737
00:27:14,470 --> 00:27:17,130
hit people regardless of the situation. Mhmm. But

738
00:27:17,269 --> 00:27:18,549
if you happen to be part of a

739
00:27:18,549 --> 00:27:20,694
community, especially in online spaces, I think this

740
00:27:20,694 --> 00:27:22,394
is more prevalent in online spaces,

741
00:27:23,174 --> 00:27:25,034
because it's so easy to hear

742
00:27:25,414 --> 00:27:27,494
the opinions of total strangers that you never

743
00:27:27,494 --> 00:27:28,714
fucking asked for.

744
00:27:29,159 --> 00:27:30,700
Thanks, algorithm. Right?

745
00:27:31,399 --> 00:27:33,579
When you're new and you're figuring

746
00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:36,440
yourself out and you don't quite know what

747
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:38,514
this kink thing is and you come across

748
00:27:38,514 --> 00:27:41,394
somebody who has you know, they're charismatic, and

749
00:27:41,394 --> 00:27:42,994
they've they've got a lot to say, and

750
00:27:42,994 --> 00:27:44,835
they seem to have a lot of followers,

751
00:27:44,835 --> 00:27:46,220
and they get a lot you know, they

752
00:27:46,220 --> 00:27:47,580
get all this attention. So you think, well,

753
00:27:47,580 --> 00:27:49,099
they must know kind of what they're talking

754
00:27:49,099 --> 00:27:51,180
about. And they tell you that kink is

755
00:27:51,180 --> 00:27:53,200
this one specific thing.

756
00:27:53,815 --> 00:27:55,255
It makes sense to me that some people

757
00:27:55,414 --> 00:27:57,095
I'm this type of person in in other

758
00:27:57,095 --> 00:27:59,174
realms. I don't know how I escaped it

759
00:27:59,174 --> 00:28:00,694
in kink. Mhmm. In other parts of my

760
00:28:00,694 --> 00:28:02,630
life, I would go, okay. That's how you

761
00:28:02,630 --> 00:28:04,149
do it. Yeah. Then I would go try

762
00:28:04,149 --> 00:28:05,750
to do it. And if it didn't fit,

763
00:28:05,750 --> 00:28:07,450
of course, my first thought would be

764
00:28:07,750 --> 00:28:10,305
I'm wrong, not that this way is wrong

765
00:28:10,305 --> 00:28:12,144
for me. And we spend a lot of

766
00:28:12,144 --> 00:28:15,424
time trying to help people see that no.

767
00:28:15,424 --> 00:28:16,945
No. No. You can actually make this kink

768
00:28:16,945 --> 00:28:18,809
thing anything you want it be as long

769
00:28:18,809 --> 00:28:20,849
as you got communication and consent with your

770
00:28:20,849 --> 00:28:21,349
partners.

771
00:28:21,809 --> 00:28:22,710
Have at it.

772
00:28:23,009 --> 00:28:25,730
But I think I think that absolutely contributes

773
00:28:25,730 --> 00:28:28,474
to impostor syndrome. Yeah. You know, what and

774
00:28:28,474 --> 00:28:30,575
and I'll I'll tell you this and and

775
00:28:30,714 --> 00:28:32,474
sitting here listening to you and, you know,

776
00:28:32,474 --> 00:28:33,214
I've been

777
00:28:34,230 --> 00:28:35,910
kind of going off my own tangent a

778
00:28:35,910 --> 00:28:37,049
little bit here too.

779
00:28:38,630 --> 00:28:40,490
You know, and I and I will preface

780
00:28:40,869 --> 00:28:42,950
this by saying, you know, some of what

781
00:28:42,950 --> 00:28:44,255
I'm about to to

782
00:28:44,634 --> 00:28:45,455
to talk about,

783
00:28:49,035 --> 00:28:51,355
happened and was because of the way I

784
00:28:51,355 --> 00:28:53,215
was raised. Sure.

785
00:28:53,750 --> 00:28:54,250
Okay.

786
00:28:55,509 --> 00:28:58,009
There was also a a point

787
00:28:58,710 --> 00:29:00,089
in there early on

788
00:29:00,869 --> 00:29:01,369
that

789
00:29:03,565 --> 00:29:06,525
I had this this crazy notion that, you

790
00:29:06,525 --> 00:29:08,924
know, all all these people that I looked

791
00:29:08,924 --> 00:29:10,660
up to that I I, you know, met

792
00:29:10,660 --> 00:29:12,259
when I came into the community and was

793
00:29:12,259 --> 00:29:13,080
learning from.

794
00:29:13,539 --> 00:29:15,000
So I'm thinking to myself,

795
00:29:16,019 --> 00:29:17,619
oh my gosh. They're they're looking at me

796
00:29:17,619 --> 00:29:19,565
and and they're they're thinking, you know,

797
00:29:20,204 --> 00:29:21,884
I I can't do anything. I don't know

798
00:29:21,884 --> 00:29:23,424
shit and I'm, you know, not

799
00:29:25,724 --> 00:29:28,044
and, you know, that that sat on me

800
00:29:28,044 --> 00:29:28,865
for a while.

801
00:29:29,329 --> 00:29:30,869
And and then it came then I

802
00:29:31,329 --> 00:29:32,390
came to a realization,

803
00:29:33,329 --> 00:29:35,170
they don't care about me. People are thinking

804
00:29:35,170 --> 00:29:36,930
about themselves. They they don't care. All they

805
00:29:36,930 --> 00:29:39,035
really care about is that I'm doing it

806
00:29:39,035 --> 00:29:41,195
safely. I I'm getting consent and I'm not,

807
00:29:41,195 --> 00:29:43,695
you know, not hurting anyone. And quite frankly,

808
00:29:43,914 --> 00:29:45,355
most of the time, people are in their

809
00:29:45,355 --> 00:29:47,434
own fucking bubble and aren't thinking about you

810
00:29:47,434 --> 00:29:49,875
at all. Right. You know, but you you

811
00:29:49,875 --> 00:29:52,549
know, you you there there it was, you

812
00:29:52,549 --> 00:29:54,410
know, and and it took me a while

813
00:29:54,630 --> 00:29:55,910
to get out of that. Now, you know,

814
00:29:55,910 --> 00:29:57,474
now I'm reporting a very few fucks to

815
00:29:57,474 --> 00:29:58,674
give it, you know, at this point in

816
00:29:58,674 --> 00:29:59,494
my life, but

817
00:30:00,034 --> 00:30:01,414
This is not a universal

818
00:30:01,714 --> 00:30:04,274
truth, but it does seem to be very

819
00:30:04,274 --> 00:30:04,774
common

820
00:30:05,154 --> 00:30:08,009
that some of that, for some people,

821
00:30:09,029 --> 00:30:10,710
is a feeling you get when you're younger.

822
00:30:10,710 --> 00:30:12,390
And as you get older and you start

823
00:30:12,390 --> 00:30:13,565
to shed your fucks,

824
00:30:14,125 --> 00:30:14,625
Yeah.

825
00:30:15,085 --> 00:30:16,384
Because you start realizing

826
00:30:16,845 --> 00:30:19,085
you're not thinking about anybody, so of course

827
00:30:19,085 --> 00:30:21,264
they're not thinking about you. But I

828
00:30:21,565 --> 00:30:24,089
clearly remember times in my life, in my

829
00:30:24,089 --> 00:30:27,710
teens twenties, primarily, when I was very conscious

830
00:30:27,930 --> 00:30:30,650
of what I thought people were thinking about

831
00:30:30,650 --> 00:30:32,375
me. And it was I was in my

832
00:30:32,375 --> 00:30:34,775
mid thirties before I finally got to the

833
00:30:34,775 --> 00:30:37,095
realization they were not thinking of me at

834
00:30:37,095 --> 00:30:39,575
all. Quite frankly, the sooner you can get

835
00:30:39,575 --> 00:30:42,900
to that point in life, the better. Yeah.

836
00:30:43,539 --> 00:30:44,599
Because, you know,

837
00:30:44,900 --> 00:30:46,819
having no fucks to give doesn't mean you

838
00:30:46,819 --> 00:30:48,095
you lack empathy anybody?

839
00:30:49,914 --> 00:30:50,414
Am

840
00:30:52,234 --> 00:30:52,734
I

841
00:30:54,315 --> 00:30:57,140
bothering anybody anybody? Am I bothering anybody? Mhmm.

842
00:30:57,140 --> 00:30:59,480
Are my choices negatively impacting

843
00:31:00,100 --> 00:31:02,660
anybody around me? No. Then it doesn't fucking

844
00:31:02,660 --> 00:31:04,595
matter. And, yeah, the sooner

845
00:31:05,535 --> 00:31:07,294
the sooner we can get to that, quite

846
00:31:07,294 --> 00:31:08,654
frankly, I think most of us are just

847
00:31:08,654 --> 00:31:11,130
happier. Because there's a weight that's lifted. There's

848
00:31:11,130 --> 00:31:12,829
a perceived pressure

849
00:31:13,130 --> 00:31:14,569
Yeah. Oh, yeah. That lifts from you when

850
00:31:14,569 --> 00:31:17,210
you just realize it doesn't fucking matter. And

851
00:31:17,210 --> 00:31:19,315
I think that is another experience that's very

852
00:31:19,315 --> 00:31:22,454
common in the community. Because in the community,

853
00:31:22,914 --> 00:31:25,015
in person, it's more physical. You can physically

854
00:31:25,315 --> 00:31:27,619
be around the people, and you have this

855
00:31:27,940 --> 00:31:30,440
sense that maybe somebody they're watching you. Right?

856
00:31:30,740 --> 00:31:32,819
Online, it's more about how am I presenting

857
00:31:32,819 --> 00:31:34,500
myself? What am I posting? What am I

858
00:31:34,500 --> 00:31:36,099
saying? Am I getting the right angle for

859
00:31:36,099 --> 00:31:39,025
my picture? Blah blah blah. You know? And

860
00:31:39,025 --> 00:31:40,944
that's a different kind of perception, but it's

861
00:31:40,944 --> 00:31:44,224
no less real where you think and and

862
00:31:44,224 --> 00:31:46,720
the Internet does make it easier to really

863
00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:48,339
feel like people are

864
00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:50,960
paying attention because we're asking for it. You

865
00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:52,799
know, are we getting likes on that picture

866
00:31:52,799 --> 00:31:54,785
we posted? Are we getting comments? Are those

867
00:31:54,865 --> 00:31:57,365
comments positive or not? Mhmm.

868
00:31:57,904 --> 00:31:59,125
And, you know,

869
00:31:59,664 --> 00:32:00,164
I

870
00:32:01,265 --> 00:32:01,765
I

871
00:32:02,779 --> 00:32:04,220
a few years ago, it's why I sort

872
00:32:04,220 --> 00:32:06,940
of stopped just posting personal stuff. Like, I

873
00:32:06,940 --> 00:32:08,460
do it for loving BDSM and I do

874
00:32:08,460 --> 00:32:10,140
it for the kangry. And in our discords,

875
00:32:10,140 --> 00:32:12,214
where we all talk personally, but I don't

876
00:32:12,214 --> 00:32:13,794
just, like, tweet anything,

877
00:32:14,974 --> 00:32:16,734
exit, post it, whatever the fuck it's called.

878
00:32:16,734 --> 00:32:18,994
Like, I don't really do that much because

879
00:32:19,529 --> 00:32:21,150
I got to the point where

880
00:32:21,690 --> 00:32:22,589
I understood

881
00:32:23,529 --> 00:32:24,029
intellectually

882
00:32:24,410 --> 00:32:24,910
that

883
00:32:25,289 --> 00:32:27,365
people were not paying that much attention to

884
00:32:27,585 --> 00:32:30,065
me, but also I didn't want to invite

885
00:32:30,065 --> 00:32:32,704
that much fucking attention. Like, I didn't want

886
00:32:32,704 --> 00:32:35,184
a rando from the Internet to dissect my

887
00:32:35,184 --> 00:32:35,684
opinion

888
00:32:36,329 --> 00:32:38,329
that I just happened to share. So I

889
00:32:38,329 --> 00:32:40,730
went, you're just gonna stop fucking sharing it.

890
00:32:40,730 --> 00:32:41,130
And,

891
00:32:41,529 --> 00:32:43,769
no. Thank you. I'm not saying that's the

892
00:32:43,769 --> 00:32:46,234
right way. I'm just saying that's that's how

893
00:32:46,315 --> 00:32:48,015
I've gotten around it.

894
00:32:49,434 --> 00:32:51,434
I I don't know why I find it

895
00:32:51,434 --> 00:32:53,515
easier to post the things I think that

896
00:32:53,515 --> 00:32:54,174
I genuinely

897
00:32:54,500 --> 00:32:56,500
think as fucking loving d s and the

898
00:32:56,500 --> 00:32:57,720
number goddamn one,

899
00:32:58,100 --> 00:32:59,700
than I do as Kayla Lords, but there

900
00:32:59,700 --> 00:33:00,359
it is.

901
00:33:01,755 --> 00:33:02,735
So yeah.

902
00:33:03,434 --> 00:33:05,115
All and a lot of what we've said

903
00:33:05,115 --> 00:33:08,154
about community is going to apply to within

904
00:33:08,154 --> 00:33:09,055
your relationship.

905
00:33:09,849 --> 00:33:12,009
Like I said, there's overlap. But let's talk

906
00:33:12,009 --> 00:33:12,509
about

907
00:33:12,970 --> 00:33:15,210
when you feel like an imposter in your

908
00:33:15,210 --> 00:33:17,070
kink role. Now whether you are

909
00:33:17,450 --> 00:33:20,255
in a power exchange relationship with somebody or

910
00:33:20,255 --> 00:33:23,054
you're just trying to navigate your kink life

911
00:33:23,054 --> 00:33:24,494
as a sub, as a dom, as a

912
00:33:24,494 --> 00:33:25,394
switch, as a whatever,

913
00:33:26,095 --> 00:33:28,115
and that kind of imposter syndrome.

914
00:33:30,079 --> 00:33:32,099
1, it absolutely happens. And 2,

915
00:33:33,039 --> 00:33:35,539
first, always just make sure you're not

916
00:33:36,775 --> 00:33:38,855
surrounded by shitty people who are making you

917
00:33:38,855 --> 00:33:40,234
feel bad about yourself.

918
00:33:41,015 --> 00:33:42,534
You know, if you are in a relationship

919
00:33:42,534 --> 00:33:44,534
and you are walking around thinking, I'm not

920
00:33:44,534 --> 00:33:46,054
I'm not a real sub. I'm not a

921
00:33:46,054 --> 00:33:48,359
good sub. Double check that those aren't words

922
00:33:48,359 --> 00:33:49,980
that have come from a partner's mouth.

923
00:33:50,919 --> 00:33:52,279
And if you've got a partner who is

924
00:33:52,279 --> 00:33:54,119
telling you that, I'm begging you to kick

925
00:33:54,119 --> 00:33:55,105
that motherfucker to

926
00:33:55,825 --> 00:33:57,184
the curb because no no no. No no

927
00:33:57,184 --> 00:33:59,585
no. There's no such thing as, quote, real

928
00:33:59,585 --> 00:34:02,144
sub, real dom. No. Real switch. Like, what

929
00:34:02,144 --> 00:34:03,950
the fuck does really mean? That's one true

930
00:34:03,950 --> 00:34:06,750
wayism thinking. Right? Like, there that there's a

931
00:34:06,750 --> 00:34:09,150
specific way to That's fitting everybody into a

932
00:34:09,150 --> 00:34:11,414
mold. Right. And that is absolutely gonna make

933
00:34:11,414 --> 00:34:12,875
you feel like an impostor.

934
00:34:14,535 --> 00:34:17,335
Mhmm. Now I like I said before, I

935
00:34:17,335 --> 00:34:20,875
am very grateful. I've never really experienced that

936
00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:24,039
feeling in the broad sense as a submissive

937
00:34:24,039 --> 00:34:25,960
that I'm a bat I'm not I'm not

938
00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:27,799
really submissive. I'm not really

939
00:34:29,014 --> 00:34:31,494
I have had moments where I have thought

940
00:34:31,494 --> 00:34:33,734
that maybe I wasn't as good of a

941
00:34:33,734 --> 00:34:34,234
submissive

942
00:34:34,534 --> 00:34:37,434
as I could be, but that was more

943
00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:39,139
my perfectionism,

944
00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:41,519
which absolutely can lead to impostor syndrome. If

945
00:34:41,519 --> 00:34:43,920
you're a perfectionist and you think there's you're

946
00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:45,380
supposed to do things exactly

947
00:34:45,875 --> 00:34:48,375
specifically perfect and no mistakes and whatever,

948
00:34:49,315 --> 00:34:51,155
yes, that can lead to imposter syndrome. But

949
00:34:51,155 --> 00:34:52,914
for me, that's been a very fleeting thing.

950
00:34:52,914 --> 00:34:54,614
That's a very much a,

951
00:34:54,929 --> 00:34:57,090
I know what we used to do, and

952
00:34:57,090 --> 00:34:59,650
I know that we're not doing those things

953
00:34:59,650 --> 00:35:00,710
anymore. And,

954
00:35:01,409 --> 00:35:02,949
you know, I'll have a momentary,

955
00:35:03,885 --> 00:35:06,704
am I less submissive because of that? No.

956
00:35:07,005 --> 00:35:08,684
I think it's really because we we talk

957
00:35:08,684 --> 00:35:10,925
about this every single week. We we force

958
00:35:10,925 --> 00:35:14,500
ourselves to, like, live in this headspace to

959
00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:15,380
analyze

960
00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:18,239
every aspect of our power exchange. I can

961
00:35:18,239 --> 00:35:20,344
very quickly turn that thought into, no. I

962
00:35:20,585 --> 00:35:22,105
know what the hell life has done to

963
00:35:22,105 --> 00:35:23,864
us, and this is what we're capable of.

964
00:35:23,864 --> 00:35:26,025
And do I feel my submissive self at

965
00:35:26,025 --> 00:35:26,525
least

966
00:35:26,905 --> 00:35:28,045
every so often?

967
00:35:28,344 --> 00:35:30,239
Yes. Can I point to things that I

968
00:35:31,119 --> 00:35:32,559
go, that is what I do as a

969
00:35:32,559 --> 00:35:34,159
submissive, and I'm proud to do that? As

970
00:35:34,159 --> 00:35:36,500
a submissive, okay. You know, there's my proof.

971
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:39,505
I have that luxury because of what we

972
00:35:39,505 --> 00:35:41,344
do. I think if you are a person

973
00:35:41,344 --> 00:35:43,585
who gets stuck in that kind of sick

974
00:35:43,664 --> 00:35:45,025
that kind of thinking and you can't get

975
00:35:45,025 --> 00:35:46,244
out of that thought pattern,

976
00:35:46,840 --> 00:35:48,599
you know, it's gonna be a little bit

977
00:35:48,599 --> 00:35:50,440
harder. But, I mean, you could just start

978
00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:53,000
a podcast and speak on Power Exchange every

979
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:55,244
week for an hour or more, and you

980
00:35:55,244 --> 00:35:55,744
too

981
00:35:56,364 --> 00:35:57,984
will probably get through some of those

982
00:35:58,364 --> 00:35:59,984
thought processes a little faster.

983
00:36:00,444 --> 00:36:03,250
Mhmm. Yeah. If you'd like to to go

984
00:36:03,250 --> 00:36:04,150
that route.

985
00:36:05,489 --> 00:36:07,190
I I do think

986
00:36:07,730 --> 00:36:08,230
that

987
00:36:09,364 --> 00:36:11,605
minus it being a shitty partner, if you

988
00:36:11,605 --> 00:36:13,704
were experiencing imposter syndrome

989
00:36:14,405 --> 00:36:17,440
within your identity and role just in your

990
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:19,519
relationship or, like, just by your damn self.

991
00:36:19,519 --> 00:36:20,179
If you're

992
00:36:20,640 --> 00:36:23,059
moving through life going, I'm not really submissive

993
00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:25,364
because I'm not really dominant

994
00:36:26,545 --> 00:36:29,344
because I'm gonna blame most of that. Most

995
00:36:29,344 --> 00:36:30,885
of that is gonna be on comparison.

996
00:36:31,265 --> 00:36:33,184
Yeah. Like, you don't have to interact with

997
00:36:33,184 --> 00:36:36,019
a a kink community to compare yourself to

998
00:36:36,019 --> 00:36:37,880
others. No. It it you know,

999
00:36:38,500 --> 00:36:41,619
comparing yourself to others is a a sure

1000
00:36:41,619 --> 00:36:42,359
way to,

1001
00:36:43,265 --> 00:36:45,844
you know Be miserable? Yeah. Yeah.

1002
00:36:46,305 --> 00:36:46,965
You know,

1003
00:36:47,824 --> 00:36:49,525
I've gotten to the point that,

1004
00:36:50,224 --> 00:36:50,885
you know,

1005
00:36:51,505 --> 00:36:53,579
when I see when I see

1006
00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:54,700
things

1007
00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:56,940
anymore, it's like, you know,

1008
00:36:57,559 --> 00:36:59,239
oh my gosh. They are so much better

1009
00:36:59,239 --> 00:37:01,260
than than than me. They you know?

1010
00:37:03,414 --> 00:37:05,414
Now it's like I I look at it

1011
00:37:05,414 --> 00:37:07,114
as as a learning opportunity.

1012
00:37:07,494 --> 00:37:09,860
Mhmm. You know? Can I can I learn

1013
00:37:09,860 --> 00:37:11,460
from this? Can I learn to do what

1014
00:37:11,460 --> 00:37:13,219
they're what they're doing? Do I have that

1015
00:37:13,219 --> 00:37:15,140
capability? And it's like, if I do, I

1016
00:37:15,140 --> 00:37:16,199
do. If I don't

1017
00:37:16,980 --> 00:37:18,744
Right. It's okay. It's not, you know,

1018
00:37:19,545 --> 00:37:21,305
it's not meant for me. I can't be

1019
00:37:21,305 --> 00:37:22,285
good at everything.

1020
00:37:22,744 --> 00:37:24,905
Right. Man, that that's a hard lesson to

1021
00:37:24,905 --> 00:37:26,239
have to learn when you want to do

1022
00:37:26,239 --> 00:37:28,320
lots of things Yeah. That you can't be

1023
00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:30,480
good at all the things. Exactly. I tend

1024
00:37:30,480 --> 00:37:31,539
to follow the dopamine.

1025
00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:32,420
So

1026
00:37:33,039 --> 00:37:35,744
if it really excites me and interests me,

1027
00:37:35,905 --> 00:37:37,285
it's got my attention.

1028
00:37:37,664 --> 00:37:39,585
Yeah. And I'm gonna go through, like, a

1029
00:37:39,585 --> 00:37:40,885
real quick, like,

1030
00:37:41,505 --> 00:37:43,845
mental process of could I conceivably

1031
00:37:44,289 --> 00:37:46,230
do that? And do I want to?

1032
00:37:46,929 --> 00:37:47,429
Yeah.

1033
00:37:47,969 --> 00:37:49,410
But I think that I think that's really

1034
00:37:49,410 --> 00:37:51,650
where I've been able to thankfully, I am

1035
00:37:51,650 --> 00:37:52,390
very fortunate,

1036
00:37:52,795 --> 00:37:55,275
skip imposter syndrome as a submissive because I'm

1037
00:37:55,275 --> 00:37:57,434
not trying to be like any other submissive

1038
00:37:57,434 --> 00:37:58,974
out there. I'm not I don't

1039
00:37:59,275 --> 00:38:00,894
I see what other people do,

1040
00:38:01,195 --> 00:38:03,079
and I go, that's really cool for them.

1041
00:38:03,079 --> 00:38:04,280
And then You don't leave the house. You're

1042
00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:06,599
never around any other submission. I see people

1043
00:38:06,599 --> 00:38:07,099
online.

1044
00:38:07,559 --> 00:38:08,039
No. I'm

1045
00:38:09,079 --> 00:38:11,765
I'm very much an online I know. Person.

1046
00:38:11,765 --> 00:38:12,344
I know.

1047
00:38:13,684 --> 00:38:14,744
You know, I

1048
00:38:16,405 --> 00:38:18,005
I I know that part of it is

1049
00:38:18,005 --> 00:38:18,664
I have

1050
00:38:19,369 --> 00:38:20,989
the luxury to be very

1051
00:38:21,609 --> 00:38:23,630
very comfortable as your submissive.

1052
00:38:23,929 --> 00:38:26,489
Mhmm. You know, I know that who I

1053
00:38:26,489 --> 00:38:28,349
am and the way I behave,

1054
00:38:28,875 --> 00:38:31,355
99% of the time, is ex it makes

1055
00:38:31,355 --> 00:38:32,795
you happy and you're happy with it and

1056
00:38:32,795 --> 00:38:33,835
I'm happy with it and we just get

1057
00:38:33,835 --> 00:38:34,894
to kinda be ourselves.

1058
00:38:35,994 --> 00:38:36,815
And when

1059
00:38:37,275 --> 00:38:38,414
our power exchange

1060
00:38:39,420 --> 00:38:39,920
decreases,

1061
00:38:40,460 --> 00:38:41,519
when our fuckery

1062
00:38:42,059 --> 00:38:42,559
decreases,

1063
00:38:43,820 --> 00:38:44,320
I

1064
00:38:44,700 --> 00:38:45,519
do not

1065
00:38:46,474 --> 00:38:48,715
blame myself for that. That's I don't see

1066
00:38:48,715 --> 00:38:50,555
that as a a shortcoming of my own.

1067
00:38:50,555 --> 00:38:51,375
Right? Mhmm.

1068
00:38:53,699 --> 00:38:55,380
Again, I think it's because we spend an

1069
00:38:55,380 --> 00:38:57,219
hour plus every week talking about it. Right?

1070
00:38:57,219 --> 00:38:59,139
Like, we just when it's top of mind

1071
00:38:59,139 --> 00:39:00,599
like that, it's it's different.

1072
00:39:01,085 --> 00:39:03,184
But I know that there are absolutely

1073
00:39:04,125 --> 00:39:05,184
people who

1074
00:39:06,925 --> 00:39:08,305
want to be

1075
00:39:08,844 --> 00:39:10,960
a certain you know, to do, let's say,

1076
00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:13,839
submission in a specific kind of way, and

1077
00:39:13,839 --> 00:39:15,619
they can't either because

1078
00:39:16,159 --> 00:39:18,559
they don't have a partner who wants that

1079
00:39:18,752 --> 00:39:20,005
Yeah. That Yeah.

1080
00:39:20,945 --> 00:39:21,925
Or they have,

1081
00:39:22,385 --> 00:39:22,885
you

1082
00:39:23,664 --> 00:39:27,844
know, physical disabilities, chronic illnesses, mental illnesses, something

1083
00:39:28,530 --> 00:39:31,170
that prevents them from doing the thing they

1084
00:39:31,170 --> 00:39:32,929
wanna do. Like, it you can want it

1085
00:39:32,929 --> 00:39:34,609
all day long, but if the body and

1086
00:39:34,609 --> 00:39:36,034
mind won't let you, it just won't let

1087
00:39:36,034 --> 00:39:37,734
you. Right? Yeah.

1088
00:39:38,514 --> 00:39:40,534
And I am not

1089
00:39:41,074 --> 00:39:43,795
smart enough to tell anybody how to just

1090
00:39:43,795 --> 00:39:46,019
get over that. I think Yeah. I've I'm

1091
00:39:46,099 --> 00:39:47,640
I'm I'm not qualified.

1092
00:39:48,099 --> 00:39:51,480
I would say that, one, that feeling is,

1093
00:39:51,940 --> 00:39:55,054
like, it's valid. It sucks that that somebody

1094
00:39:55,054 --> 00:39:56,255
would feel that way. I don't want anybody

1095
00:39:56,255 --> 00:39:57,855
to feel that way. I want I want

1096
00:39:57,855 --> 00:39:58,835
people to kind

1097
00:39:59,295 --> 00:40:00,195
of feel

1098
00:40:02,210 --> 00:40:04,929
like what they are able to do is

1099
00:40:04,929 --> 00:40:05,429
enough,

1100
00:40:05,809 --> 00:40:06,550
but I also

1101
00:40:07,409 --> 00:40:09,464
respect the fact that somebody would feel that

1102
00:40:09,464 --> 00:40:11,224
way. That you wanna do more than you

1103
00:40:11,224 --> 00:40:12,844
are physically capable of.

1104
00:40:13,224 --> 00:40:13,724
And

1105
00:40:14,824 --> 00:40:16,045
for whatever reason,

1106
00:40:16,744 --> 00:40:19,000
from whatever has gone on in your life

1107
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:20,700
and your world prior Mhmm.

1108
00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:22,539
You are internalizing

1109
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:25,239
that as some some kind of shortcoming that

1110
00:40:25,239 --> 00:40:27,594
you are somehow not quote really

1111
00:40:27,894 --> 00:40:29,755
whatever your kink identity is.

1112
00:40:30,215 --> 00:40:30,715
Now,

1113
00:40:31,335 --> 00:40:32,234
Master Rothbart

1114
00:40:32,695 --> 00:40:34,074
brought up something interesting

1115
00:40:34,454 --> 00:40:36,074
that, mental health

1116
00:40:37,630 --> 00:40:39,309
can impact Well, absolutely. It was in the

1117
00:40:39,309 --> 00:40:42,130
definition. I mean, both the effects of imposter

1118
00:40:42,190 --> 00:40:44,785
syndrome will fuck up your mental health Yeah.

1119
00:40:44,905 --> 00:40:46,824
And you will have very real repercussions of

1120
00:40:46,824 --> 00:40:49,085
it, but also absolutely anxiety

1121
00:40:49,465 --> 00:40:51,945
alone just as one mental illness. One of

1122
00:40:51,945 --> 00:40:53,929
the things that and and and that struck

1123
00:40:53,929 --> 00:40:56,329
with me be because I it made me

1124
00:40:56,329 --> 00:40:58,489
think about, you know, when I was at

1125
00:40:58,489 --> 00:40:59,550
my my lowest

1126
00:40:59,929 --> 00:41:01,894
with depression. Yep.

1127
00:41:02,835 --> 00:41:05,574
And and that just fucks with everything. Absolutely.

1128
00:41:05,954 --> 00:41:06,695
You know?

1129
00:41:06,994 --> 00:41:07,494
And,

1130
00:41:08,889 --> 00:41:10,409
you know, I'm I'm glad I went through

1131
00:41:10,409 --> 00:41:12,089
the therapy, and I did the things I

1132
00:41:12,089 --> 00:41:15,449
I did and am doing Mhmm. You know,

1133
00:41:15,449 --> 00:41:17,375
to to to work on that,

1134
00:41:17,855 --> 00:41:19,635
and and now there are times

1135
00:41:20,255 --> 00:41:22,034
when when certain things

1136
00:41:22,335 --> 00:41:23,715
kick on in my brain,

1137
00:41:25,089 --> 00:41:27,969
I ask myself, okay, where is this coming

1138
00:41:27,969 --> 00:41:29,730
from? What That's such a good tool to

1139
00:41:29,730 --> 00:41:31,969
have. Yeah. Is what is causing it? Is

1140
00:41:31,969 --> 00:41:34,664
this my depression? Mhmm. You know, is is

1141
00:41:34,664 --> 00:41:35,405
my depression

1142
00:41:35,864 --> 00:41:37,784
rearing its ugly head and and bringing these

1143
00:41:37,784 --> 00:41:40,844
thoughts in? Am I comparing myself to somebody?

1144
00:41:42,719 --> 00:41:44,719
You know? And and I and I have

1145
00:41:44,719 --> 00:41:46,960
to ask those questions in my head, and

1146
00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:50,054
and that helps me get through it at

1147
00:41:50,054 --> 00:41:51,414
this point now. And that's

1148
00:41:51,894 --> 00:41:53,914
if there's any advice to give somebody,

1149
00:41:54,295 --> 00:41:56,375
that is it. Those are the questions to

1150
00:41:56,375 --> 00:41:58,239
ask yourself. Do I feel this way because

1151
00:41:58,239 --> 00:42:00,079
there's a shitty human being sitting across from

1152
00:42:00,079 --> 00:42:02,079
me making me feel, like telling me things

1153
00:42:02,079 --> 00:42:03,920
about myself that make me feel this way?

1154
00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:05,280
Okay, no, we can rule that out. I

1155
00:42:05,280 --> 00:42:08,253
got a great partner, That's not it. Am

1156
00:42:08,253 --> 00:42:12,091
I comparing myself? Who am I around online

1157
00:42:12,091 --> 00:42:15,610
or in person? What resources am I consuming?

1158
00:42:15,610 --> 00:42:17,070
What content am I consuming?

1159
00:42:17,610 --> 00:42:19,070
Is that affecting me?

1160
00:42:19,610 --> 00:42:21,949
Is it depression? Is it anxiety?

1161
00:42:22,714 --> 00:42:23,454
Is it

1162
00:42:24,554 --> 00:42:26,635
oh, god. And I I'm not diagnosed with

1163
00:42:26,635 --> 00:42:28,474
anything, but I'm learning things and I'm taking

1164
00:42:28,474 --> 00:42:29,214
things on.

1165
00:42:29,960 --> 00:42:31,500
For anybody who happens

1166
00:42:32,440 --> 00:42:34,780
whether it's mental illness or it's neurodivergency,

1167
00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:37,719
if you have ever had that experience where

1168
00:42:37,719 --> 00:42:40,494
you are mentally berating yourself for being, quote,

1169
00:42:40,494 --> 00:42:41,875
lazy because you physically,

1170
00:42:42,175 --> 00:42:44,255
literally cannot make yourself do the thing you

1171
00:42:44,255 --> 00:42:46,114
need to do, that's called executive dysfunction.

1172
00:42:47,719 --> 00:42:50,119
And if that if you were having that

1173
00:42:50,119 --> 00:42:51,640
kind of self talk and you were having

1174
00:42:51,640 --> 00:42:52,940
those feelings and it is

1175
00:42:53,480 --> 00:42:54,940
impacting how you

1176
00:42:55,400 --> 00:42:58,444
move through your role like, as a submissive,

1177
00:42:58,505 --> 00:42:59,885
if executive dysfunction

1178
00:43:00,744 --> 00:43:02,184
fucked me up and made it so I

1179
00:43:02,184 --> 00:43:03,005
couldn't do

1180
00:43:03,545 --> 00:43:05,639
any of my tasks, I know what my

1181
00:43:05,799 --> 00:43:07,799
mental self talk would be because I'm I'm

1182
00:43:07,799 --> 00:43:10,440
constantly working to overcome it, that I am

1183
00:43:10,440 --> 00:43:10,940
not

1184
00:43:11,319 --> 00:43:13,480
lazy. I am not a bad person. I

1185
00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:14,779
am not a bad submissive.

1186
00:43:15,079 --> 00:43:17,405
But if, you know, that is another

1187
00:43:17,784 --> 00:43:19,704
way that that self talk can creep in

1188
00:43:19,704 --> 00:43:21,784
and that self doubt and that belief about

1189
00:43:21,784 --> 00:43:24,284
yourself can creep in when it's not

1190
00:43:25,010 --> 00:43:27,969
truly imposter syndrome. It's the things we tell

1191
00:43:27,969 --> 00:43:29,190
ourselves when another

1192
00:43:29,650 --> 00:43:31,650
some part of our brain's just not braining

1193
00:43:31,650 --> 00:43:33,429
the way we need it. Right?

1194
00:43:34,385 --> 00:43:36,144
And so that's another thing, you know, as

1195
00:43:36,144 --> 00:43:38,144
the self check. Wait. Am I in the

1196
00:43:38,144 --> 00:43:40,464
middle of fucking executive dysfunction? Have I like,

1197
00:43:40,464 --> 00:43:42,244
do I even feel capable of showering,

1198
00:43:42,545 --> 00:43:43,364
let alone

1199
00:43:43,769 --> 00:43:45,630
dominating my partner, let alone

1200
00:43:46,170 --> 00:43:48,329
submitting to my partner? Right? Like, what else

1201
00:43:48,329 --> 00:43:50,329
am I not capable of doing right now?

1202
00:43:50,329 --> 00:43:51,309
That's not about

1203
00:43:52,204 --> 00:43:53,905
my kink identity. It's about

1204
00:43:54,605 --> 00:43:57,005
being a human residing with this brain. Right?

1205
00:43:57,005 --> 00:43:59,425
Like, those are the things I think that

1206
00:43:59,565 --> 00:44:01,105
if we can disrupt

1207
00:44:02,190 --> 00:44:04,210
the circular thought patterns of,

1208
00:44:04,510 --> 00:44:06,750
I'm no good. I'm a fraud. I'm not

1209
00:44:06,750 --> 00:44:08,829
a real pick your role. I, you know,

1210
00:44:08,829 --> 00:44:10,750
I suck at this. And if you can

1211
00:44:10,750 --> 00:44:12,114
find a way to interrupt that and that

1212
00:44:12,355 --> 00:44:13,315
let me go back to it. If you

1213
00:44:13,315 --> 00:44:14,855
have access, that might mean,

1214
00:44:15,235 --> 00:44:17,414
you know, get thee to a therapist

1215
00:44:18,434 --> 00:44:20,039
so that you can learn those skills from

1216
00:44:20,039 --> 00:44:21,639
somebody who knows what the fuck they're doing.

1217
00:44:21,639 --> 00:44:22,139
Mhmm.

1218
00:44:22,679 --> 00:44:24,440
You know, those are that's part of the

1219
00:44:24,440 --> 00:44:26,413
check-in, you know? Top, am I surrounded by

1220
00:44:26,413 --> 00:44:27,099
assholes? No? Okay. Am I is my

1221
00:44:27,405 --> 00:44:28,144
assholes? No?

1222
00:44:28,445 --> 00:44:28,945
Okay.

1223
00:44:29,244 --> 00:44:30,625
Am I is my

1224
00:44:31,405 --> 00:44:34,204
physical illness or disability fucking with me? Is

1225
00:44:34,204 --> 00:44:37,265
my mental illness or disability fucking with me?

1226
00:44:37,920 --> 00:44:39,380
Is it neurodivergent?

1227
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:42,000
Is it like, what are the thing you

1228
00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:42,320
know, it's

1229
00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:44,260
because

1230
00:44:44,855 --> 00:44:45,355
my

1231
00:44:46,135 --> 00:44:47,655
I know there's gonna be exceptions to this,

1232
00:44:47,655 --> 00:44:48,795
but in general,

1233
00:44:49,655 --> 00:44:52,829
it's almost when when something is preventing us

1234
00:44:53,390 --> 00:44:55,789
or slowing us down from doing the thing

1235
00:44:55,789 --> 00:44:57,010
we wanna be doing,

1236
00:44:57,390 --> 00:44:59,390
or living our best life, or being the

1237
00:44:59,390 --> 00:45:01,150
person we feel like we are meant to

1238
00:45:01,150 --> 00:45:01,525
be,

1239
00:45:02,005 --> 00:45:03,764
and fully expressing that in the way we

1240
00:45:03,764 --> 00:45:06,644
want. And, you know, kink absolutely falls within

1241
00:45:06,644 --> 00:45:08,085
this because there are many ways I would

1242
00:45:08,085 --> 00:45:10,005
love to submit that I just fucking can't.

1243
00:45:10,005 --> 00:45:10,505
Right?

1244
00:45:11,839 --> 00:45:12,339
Typically,

1245
00:45:13,839 --> 00:45:16,179
it's never just one singular thing

1246
00:45:16,480 --> 00:45:17,715
that is the reason

1247
00:45:19,715 --> 00:45:20,434
for it. Right? Mhmm. And when talking about

1248
00:45:20,434 --> 00:45:21,414
impostor syndrome,

1249
00:45:22,035 --> 00:45:24,195
it's not because you're a fraud. It's not

1250
00:45:24,195 --> 00:45:26,880
because you're not, quote, a real whatever.

1251
00:45:27,420 --> 00:45:28,960
It is actually probably

1252
00:45:29,420 --> 00:45:32,059
about 80,000,000 things going on. Where are your

1253
00:45:32,059 --> 00:45:34,380
finances at? Are you worried about money? That'll

1254
00:45:34,380 --> 00:45:36,125
fuck you up. Oh, yeah. How's your health?

1255
00:45:36,125 --> 00:45:38,125
Like we just talked about. That'll fuck you

1256
00:45:38,125 --> 00:45:39,005
up. Yep.

1257
00:45:39,324 --> 00:45:41,105
Are you parenting or caregiving

1258
00:45:41,565 --> 00:45:43,025
on either side of the generations?

1259
00:45:43,420 --> 00:45:44,480
Older or younger?

1260
00:45:45,099 --> 00:45:46,460
That'll fuck you up. Do you hate your

1261
00:45:46,460 --> 00:45:47,920
goddamn boss? And

1262
00:45:48,300 --> 00:45:50,300
you got all these other like, it it's

1263
00:45:50,300 --> 00:45:52,614
all intertwined. And then you go into, okay.

1264
00:45:52,614 --> 00:45:54,375
Well, who am I surrounding myself with? What

1265
00:45:54,375 --> 00:45:55,755
what content am I consuming?

1266
00:45:56,055 --> 00:45:58,295
What are the voices the outside voices that

1267
00:45:58,295 --> 00:45:59,890
get to be in my head because I

1268
00:45:59,890 --> 00:46:02,390
take that information in? Yeah. And it's

1269
00:46:03,250 --> 00:46:04,309
almost never

1270
00:46:04,849 --> 00:46:06,769
that I am bad at this. It is

1271
00:46:06,769 --> 00:46:07,750
almost always

1272
00:46:08,405 --> 00:46:10,565
there, I am holding myself to a standard

1273
00:46:10,565 --> 00:46:12,744
that I would never hold anybody else to.

1274
00:46:12,804 --> 00:46:15,784
Mhmm. And as a human being with Yeah.

1275
00:46:15,869 --> 00:46:16,690
Just 2024

1276
00:46:16,989 --> 00:46:18,429
being what it is, I might not be

1277
00:46:18,429 --> 00:46:19,630
able to do it at this time. And

1278
00:46:19,630 --> 00:46:21,090
that and that's something that,

1279
00:46:21,550 --> 00:46:23,789
you know, is is very true, what you

1280
00:46:23,789 --> 00:46:25,365
just said. You know, we can be our

1281
00:46:25,365 --> 00:46:26,345
own worst critics.

1282
00:46:27,365 --> 00:46:28,265
Mhmm. Okay?

1283
00:46:28,805 --> 00:46:31,204
And and, you know, that that's yeah. We

1284
00:46:31,204 --> 00:46:33,069
we can do sometimes we can do a

1285
00:46:33,069 --> 00:46:35,550
better job of beating yourself down than anybody

1286
00:46:35,550 --> 00:46:37,650
else can. Oh, absolutely.

1287
00:46:38,829 --> 00:46:39,329
Absolutely.

1288
00:46:40,234 --> 00:46:42,894
And, again, that's a hard thing to disrupt.

1289
00:46:43,034 --> 00:46:43,695
You know?

1290
00:46:45,355 --> 00:46:48,494
I, in the moment, can almost never disrupt

1291
00:46:48,635 --> 00:46:49,489
my mean girl

1292
00:46:49,969 --> 00:46:51,030
voice. It's usually

1293
00:46:52,050 --> 00:46:53,349
it might be a few

1294
00:46:53,889 --> 00:46:55,650
minutes later. It might be a day later.

1295
00:46:55,650 --> 00:46:56,469
It might be

1296
00:46:56,769 --> 00:46:59,204
however long later that I go, oh god.

1297
00:46:59,204 --> 00:47:01,445
That was that was a bitch to myself.

1298
00:47:01,445 --> 00:47:04,184
That I know that's not true. Now what

1299
00:47:04,724 --> 00:47:06,485
over time, and this is one of those

1300
00:47:06,485 --> 00:47:07,420
inch by inch things,

1301
00:47:07,980 --> 00:47:09,599
if you can have the realization

1302
00:47:09,980 --> 00:47:11,819
that the things you were thinking were not

1303
00:47:11,819 --> 00:47:13,599
actually true and you were just maybe

1304
00:47:13,980 --> 00:47:15,839
mean girling yourself, right,

1305
00:47:16,655 --> 00:47:18,894
If at any point after that occurs, you

1306
00:47:18,894 --> 00:47:21,215
can have the realization that, wait, that none

1307
00:47:21,215 --> 00:47:22,994
of that's true. I know that's not true.

1308
00:47:23,375 --> 00:47:25,394
This is this is what happened. Right?

1309
00:47:26,670 --> 00:47:27,869
If you can do it once, you can

1310
00:47:27,869 --> 00:47:30,190
usually do it again. And over time, and

1311
00:47:30,190 --> 00:47:32,210
then sometimes we're talking years, y'all,

1312
00:47:32,510 --> 00:47:33,789
you'll you can get there a little bit

1313
00:47:33,789 --> 00:47:35,655
quicker. You can realize what's happening a little

1314
00:47:35,655 --> 00:47:36,315
bit quicker.

1315
00:47:37,014 --> 00:47:39,255
It's a skill like anything else. Again, you

1316
00:47:39,255 --> 00:47:41,014
you might need a therapist to help you

1317
00:47:41,014 --> 00:47:43,300
through that. You might need medication to, like,

1318
00:47:43,360 --> 00:47:45,760
help the brain chemistry. You might need outside

1319
00:47:45,760 --> 00:47:46,260
help.

1320
00:47:46,559 --> 00:47:48,320
It's not necessarily a thing you could just

1321
00:47:48,320 --> 00:47:49,760
do for yourself. But if you can get

1322
00:47:49,760 --> 00:47:52,414
to that point slowly over time, you can

1323
00:47:52,414 --> 00:47:54,755
come to those realizations a little bit faster.

1324
00:47:54,974 --> 00:47:57,155
Not every time when my anxiety

1325
00:47:57,775 --> 00:47:59,920
is through the damn roof and I'm having

1326
00:48:00,079 --> 00:48:02,000
brain days and I just can't even think

1327
00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:02,500
straight,

1328
00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:06,179
no. I'm not I'm not clear headed enough

1329
00:48:06,719 --> 00:48:08,960
to realize that I'm being mean to myself.

1330
00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:10,864
I have to come out of whatever that

1331
00:48:10,864 --> 00:48:13,344
is, whatever is causing that for however long

1332
00:48:13,344 --> 00:48:15,425
it runs its course, and then I can

1333
00:48:15,425 --> 00:48:17,505
look back and go, ah, I know what

1334
00:48:17,505 --> 00:48:19,750
that is. I know I know what was

1335
00:48:19,750 --> 00:48:20,730
going on there.

1336
00:48:22,309 --> 00:48:25,269
But, you know, that is all part and

1337
00:48:25,269 --> 00:48:25,769
parcel

1338
00:48:26,464 --> 00:48:29,025
of it. I think some people, not hopefully,

1339
00:48:29,025 --> 00:48:30,945
not a lot, certainly not all, but some

1340
00:48:30,945 --> 00:48:31,445
people

1341
00:48:31,984 --> 00:48:33,905
are gonna go, I feel like I'm an

1342
00:48:33,905 --> 00:48:35,827
imposter, imposter, and do the self check and

1343
00:48:35,827 --> 00:48:36,819
realize that they have shitty people around them.

1344
00:48:36,819 --> 00:48:37,043
And you know what? A lot of your

1345
00:48:37,043 --> 00:48:38,130
problems will be improved by getting rid of

1346
00:48:38,130 --> 00:48:39,130
those shitty people.

1347
00:48:43,605 --> 00:48:45,465
After that though, it is

1348
00:48:46,804 --> 00:48:47,304
unlearning

1349
00:48:48,565 --> 00:48:51,364
the ways we've thought about ourselves. Those damn

1350
00:48:51,364 --> 00:48:54,090
bad tapes. We've talked about ourselves, you know,

1351
00:48:54,550 --> 00:48:56,309
dealing with, in whatever way that means for

1352
00:48:56,309 --> 00:48:58,170
you, the things that have happened to you,

1353
00:48:58,550 --> 00:49:00,950
coping with finding the right community. And I

1354
00:49:00,950 --> 00:49:03,594
don't necessarily mean the right munch. Yes. That

1355
00:49:03,594 --> 00:49:05,454
can be it. Mhmm. But sometimes it's

1356
00:49:05,835 --> 00:49:07,514
who are the people I wanna call friends?

1357
00:49:07,514 --> 00:49:09,034
Who are the people that I want to

1358
00:49:09,034 --> 00:49:10,494
follow? Who are the people

1359
00:49:10,809 --> 00:49:13,469
that I want their voices in my head

1360
00:49:14,489 --> 00:49:16,489
over and above somebody else's? Right? Like, sometimes

1361
00:49:16,489 --> 00:49:18,349
you gotta sort of do that self

1362
00:49:18,885 --> 00:49:19,385
discovery.

1363
00:49:19,844 --> 00:49:20,744
And it means

1364
00:49:21,204 --> 00:49:24,105
blocking people. It means unfollowing. It means unfriending.

1365
00:49:24,164 --> 00:49:26,085
It me it means not going to that

1366
00:49:26,085 --> 00:49:28,200
group. Maybe you'll try another one at at

1367
00:49:28,200 --> 00:49:30,840
another point. Right? Sometimes it it means making

1368
00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:32,460
those kinds of shifts and then

1369
00:49:33,640 --> 00:49:35,980
over time, it's all an overtime thing y'all.

1370
00:49:36,545 --> 00:49:38,065
The voice in your head becomes a little

1371
00:49:38,065 --> 00:49:40,065
bit kinder because the voices outside of you

1372
00:49:40,065 --> 00:49:42,385
are a little bit kinder and more empathetic

1373
00:49:42,385 --> 00:49:43,869
and more understanding. Right?

1374
00:49:46,110 --> 00:49:48,349
Another for the in your head kind of

1375
00:49:48,349 --> 00:49:51,605
thing, especially if you're if you're telling yourself

1376
00:49:51,605 --> 00:49:53,525
you're a fraud and you're not, air quote,

1377
00:49:53,525 --> 00:49:55,385
real. What the fuck does real even mean?

1378
00:49:55,445 --> 00:49:57,125
You know? You're not a good submissive. You're

1379
00:49:57,125 --> 00:49:58,960
not a good dominant. A real

1380
00:49:59,420 --> 00:50:00,559
all those words. Right?

1381
00:50:01,819 --> 00:50:03,260
And this is another one that takes time

1382
00:50:03,260 --> 00:50:04,000
to, like,

1383
00:50:05,099 --> 00:50:07,039
with practice to remember to do.

1384
00:50:07,425 --> 00:50:09,585
But I sometimes like to, when I'm being

1385
00:50:09,585 --> 00:50:11,264
a little mean to myself, go, would I

1386
00:50:11,264 --> 00:50:13,605
talk to somebody I care about like this?

1387
00:50:14,500 --> 00:50:16,500
And sometimes that's enough of a disruption to

1388
00:50:16,500 --> 00:50:18,900
go, oh, shit. I this is I'm not

1389
00:50:18,900 --> 00:50:20,819
being very nice to myself right now. Yeah.

1390
00:50:20,819 --> 00:50:22,519
Again, it doesn't mean I automatically

1391
00:50:23,164 --> 00:50:25,324
disbelieve the mean things about me, but it

1392
00:50:25,324 --> 00:50:27,025
does give me a bit of a reality

1393
00:50:27,085 --> 00:50:30,369
check. And if you are thinking things about

1394
00:50:30,369 --> 00:50:32,309
yourself you would never say

1395
00:50:32,769 --> 00:50:35,010
to somebody that you even care for just

1396
00:50:35,010 --> 00:50:36,469
as a fellow human being,

1397
00:50:37,315 --> 00:50:39,235
you know, maybe the things you're thinking aren't

1398
00:50:39,235 --> 00:50:41,815
true. Maybe there's something else going on.

1399
00:50:44,840 --> 00:50:46,440
In the vein x, I was thinking about

1400
00:50:46,440 --> 00:50:47,559
this earlier, and I was like, no. I

1401
00:50:47,559 --> 00:50:49,340
think this is really important. If

1402
00:50:49,719 --> 00:50:52,599
you were trying to change your internal thoughts

1403
00:50:52,599 --> 00:50:54,059
about yourself by

1404
00:50:55,385 --> 00:50:57,625
being careful of who you follow and the

1405
00:50:57,625 --> 00:50:59,944
content that's coming through you, you you know,

1406
00:50:59,944 --> 00:51:02,284
through your phone and the algorithms and everything.

1407
00:51:02,344 --> 00:51:03,800
I've had people do this, They've always been

1408
00:51:03,800 --> 00:51:05,640
very apologetic, but I want to put it

1409
00:51:05,640 --> 00:51:06,519
out here because it's

1410
00:51:07,239 --> 00:51:09,000
I understand it. I know you understand it.

1411
00:51:09,000 --> 00:51:11,000
I've had people who I mean, they were

1412
00:51:11,000 --> 00:51:13,304
so sweet about it. They're like, I can't

1413
00:51:13,765 --> 00:51:16,164
listen to the podcast or watch the livestream

1414
00:51:16,164 --> 00:51:16,485
or

1415
00:51:17,125 --> 00:51:18,885
because I just went through this break breakup,

1416
00:51:18,885 --> 00:51:20,380
and I gotta deal with it. And

1417
00:51:21,579 --> 00:51:24,460
it's really hard to hear about power exchange

1418
00:51:24,460 --> 00:51:27,394
right now. It's really hard to see happy

1419
00:51:28,355 --> 00:51:28,855
couples.

1420
00:51:29,155 --> 00:51:31,094
My feelings are never gonna be hurt. Yeah.

1421
00:51:31,155 --> 00:51:31,655
Curate

1422
00:51:32,434 --> 00:51:34,675
the content and the information that you take

1423
00:51:34,675 --> 00:51:36,559
in to suit your needs right now. You

1424
00:51:36,559 --> 00:51:38,640
have to. You have to. You have to.

1425
00:51:38,640 --> 00:51:41,039
You have to. Sometimes that means you're gonna

1426
00:51:41,039 --> 00:51:41,323
lean into the fuckery more than the relationship.

1427
00:51:41,323 --> 00:51:41,860
Sometimes it means you're gonna walk away

1428
00:51:42,559 --> 00:51:43,059
from

1429
00:51:51,700 --> 00:51:53,559
a person out in the world.

1430
00:51:54,019 --> 00:51:56,820
And maybe you'll come across Kingstuf, but probably

1431
00:51:56,820 --> 00:51:58,579
not. Right? And you're just gonna take a

1432
00:51:58,579 --> 00:52:00,099
step back if that's what you need to

1433
00:52:00,099 --> 00:52:00,599
do.

1434
00:52:01,885 --> 00:52:05,164
When you start looking at the people you

1435
00:52:05,164 --> 00:52:08,285
surround yourself with, the communities you're inhabiting, the

1436
00:52:08,285 --> 00:52:11,170
content you're taking in, the people you follow,

1437
00:52:11,170 --> 00:52:12,469
the all of that,

1438
00:52:12,849 --> 00:52:15,429
it absolutely needs to be curated so that

1439
00:52:15,969 --> 00:52:18,569
you are not miserable every time you Right.

1440
00:52:18,769 --> 00:52:20,654
Are in that space online or in person.

1441
00:52:20,654 --> 00:52:22,094
Mhmm. And sometimes that means there are people

1442
00:52:22,094 --> 00:52:23,454
that you like that you go, I'm not

1443
00:52:23,454 --> 00:52:25,394
in this season of life right now.

1444
00:52:26,414 --> 00:52:27,954
Please take care of yourself.

1445
00:52:28,335 --> 00:52:28,835
Absolutely.

1446
00:52:29,295 --> 00:52:31,530
I will my feelings will never be hurt

1447
00:52:31,989 --> 00:52:33,609
if that when that happens.

1448
00:52:33,989 --> 00:52:35,609
Because I know that

1449
00:52:36,069 --> 00:52:39,190
most most, not all, most kinky people, when

1450
00:52:39,190 --> 00:52:40,824
it's a part of their, like, core identity,

1451
00:52:40,824 --> 00:52:42,425
they're coming back eventually. Maybe not to us.

1452
00:52:42,425 --> 00:52:44,425
Right. They're gonna find their way back eventually.

1453
00:52:44,425 --> 00:52:46,184
They'll have gone through what they need to

1454
00:52:46,184 --> 00:52:48,539
go through. They'll Yeah. They'll take care of

1455
00:52:48,539 --> 00:52:51,039
themselves in other ways. They'll meet a person.

1456
00:52:51,099 --> 00:52:51,599
They'll

1457
00:52:52,460 --> 00:52:53,279
whatever whatever,

1458
00:52:53,659 --> 00:52:56,299
and they'll find themselves back and hopefully be

1459
00:52:56,299 --> 00:52:57,465
in a better head space

1460
00:52:57,864 --> 00:52:58,684
to have a

1461
00:52:59,305 --> 00:52:59,805
better,

1462
00:53:00,344 --> 00:53:01,085
more fulfilling

1463
00:53:01,545 --> 00:53:04,844
kink experience, whatever that looks like for them.

1464
00:53:06,039 --> 00:53:08,039
But, yeah, there's so much that can contribute

1465
00:53:08,039 --> 00:53:09,099
to that feeling

1466
00:53:10,039 --> 00:53:12,360
of being and not belonging, not being good

1467
00:53:12,360 --> 00:53:14,619
enough, not just not being enough in general.

1468
00:53:15,000 --> 00:53:18,184
And in in kink identities and roles, not

1469
00:53:18,184 --> 00:53:20,664
being real, not being good. Heavy air quotes

1470
00:53:20,664 --> 00:53:22,284
there. Not being real, not being good.

1471
00:53:22,744 --> 00:53:24,045
And, you know,

1472
00:53:26,570 --> 00:53:27,550
Get rid

1473
00:53:28,170 --> 00:53:30,269
of the things that contribute.

1474
00:53:32,329 --> 00:53:33,925
To you know, as much as you can

1475
00:53:33,925 --> 00:53:36,105
to that that negative self talk. Mhmm.

1476
00:53:36,485 --> 00:53:38,405
And and and sometimes that means creating your

1477
00:53:38,405 --> 00:53:40,724
own kink space and and curating it where

1478
00:53:40,724 --> 00:53:43,650
it's specific types of people and specific types

1479
00:53:43,650 --> 00:53:45,910
of content and, you know, all of that.

1480
00:53:46,130 --> 00:53:47,190
Yep. So

1481
00:53:49,027 --> 00:53:50,885
and I just wanna remind you, every time

1482
00:53:50,885 --> 00:53:52,885
you start wondering if you were not good

1483
00:53:52,885 --> 00:53:54,324
enough or you're a fraud or you don't

1484
00:53:54,324 --> 00:53:56,324
belong, just just do that double check on

1485
00:53:56,324 --> 00:53:57,579
the assholes thing. Just

1486
00:53:58,140 --> 00:54:00,000
I cannot emphasize that.

1487
00:54:00,539 --> 00:54:01,840
Ask yourself where

1488
00:54:02,380 --> 00:54:05,039
that those thoughts are coming from. Mhmm. Exactly.

1489
00:54:07,755 --> 00:54:09,614
Yeah. I don't I don't have any,

1490
00:54:09,914 --> 00:54:10,414
like,

1491
00:54:11,434 --> 00:54:12,894
words of wisdom and checklists

1492
00:54:13,195 --> 00:54:14,449
to, like, just make it go away for

1493
00:54:14,449 --> 00:54:16,289
you. It's Yeah. I wish it was that

1494
00:54:16,289 --> 00:54:18,210
easy. It'd be nice. And quite frankly, sometimes

1495
00:54:18,210 --> 00:54:20,049
it's just time. You just need time like,

1496
00:54:20,049 --> 00:54:21,170
we were talking about at the very top.

1497
00:54:21,170 --> 00:54:23,409
You need time and experience with yourself in

1498
00:54:23,409 --> 00:54:25,815
your kink role and your kink identity

1499
00:54:26,355 --> 00:54:29,074
and to kinda get your own bearings and

1500
00:54:29,074 --> 00:54:31,954
figure out what is meaningful and important to

1501
00:54:31,954 --> 00:54:32,454
you.

1502
00:54:32,994 --> 00:54:34,309
And then a lot that can become a

1503
00:54:34,309 --> 00:54:35,530
lot easier. Yep.

1504
00:54:36,630 --> 00:54:38,090
So There you go.

1505
00:54:38,869 --> 00:54:39,610
I'm sure

1506
00:54:39,910 --> 00:54:40,410
there's

1507
00:54:41,269 --> 00:54:43,875
more to say. Oh, yeah. It always could

1508
00:54:43,875 --> 00:54:44,375
be.

1509
00:54:44,675 --> 00:54:45,175
I

1510
00:54:45,635 --> 00:54:47,954
am positive that mental health professionals who are

1511
00:54:47,954 --> 00:54:50,679
also kinky and happen to listen to slash

1512
00:54:50,679 --> 00:54:53,099
watch this would probably have, like,

1513
00:54:53,480 --> 00:54:55,420
much more, like, concrete,

1514
00:54:56,359 --> 00:54:58,440
here's what you can do. And if you

1515
00:54:58,440 --> 00:55:00,380
have that information, please feel free to share.

1516
00:55:00,744 --> 00:55:02,525
Happy to take that information in.

1517
00:55:03,144 --> 00:55:04,525
One day regurgitate it.

1518
00:55:05,465 --> 00:55:06,445
But, yeah, that

1519
00:55:07,385 --> 00:55:09,385
that is all I can think to say

1520
00:55:09,385 --> 00:55:11,760
about that. Pretty much same. Yeah.

1521
00:55:12,380 --> 00:55:14,140
Just, you know, if you're feeling that way,

1522
00:55:14,140 --> 00:55:16,940
you're not alone. No. And you're not doing

1523
00:55:16,940 --> 00:55:19,180
kink wrong if you feel that way. But

1524
00:55:19,180 --> 00:55:21,315
you have more options than you realize. Yes.

1525
00:55:21,534 --> 00:55:22,275
Yes. Indeed.

1526
00:55:24,815 --> 00:55:25,315
Okay.

1527
00:55:25,614 --> 00:55:27,695
So, are we good? I don't know, but

1528
00:55:27,695 --> 00:55:28,894
we will do it. But I'm gonna say

1529
00:55:29,054 --> 00:55:30,889
Yes. We will. Mhmm. Ready?

1530
00:55:31,670 --> 00:55:33,909
Sure. Keep it kinky off. And we'll see

1531
00:55:33,909 --> 00:55:35,829
you next week. No, really. For real, we're

1532
00:55:35,829 --> 00:55:36,329
back.

1533
00:55:46,210 --> 00:55:46,710
Daddy.

1534
00:55:47,650 --> 00:55:49,489
Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to the

1535
00:55:49,489 --> 00:55:49,989
crickets?

1536
00:55:50,849 --> 00:55:53,250
Yes. And can I please, please point out

1537
00:55:53,250 --> 00:55:54,974
that so while we're doing the live stream,

1538
00:55:54,974 --> 00:55:56,734
we're looking at YouTube, we get a dashboard?

1539
00:55:56,734 --> 00:55:58,175
And there's always a little bit of a

1540
00:55:58,175 --> 00:56:00,655
delay, so it's never exactly accurate at the

1541
00:56:00,655 --> 00:56:03,420
exact time. Yeah. But the current count it's

1542
00:56:03,420 --> 00:56:06,380
giving is 69. Woo hoo. Right? And I'm

1543
00:56:06,380 --> 00:56:08,000
just like, well, okay.

1544
00:56:09,339 --> 00:56:10,940
Thank you, YouTube. Right? They

1545
00:56:11,574 --> 00:56:12,954
I don't wanna encourage

1546
00:56:13,574 --> 00:56:16,295
or discourage, you know, folks to to leave

1547
00:56:16,295 --> 00:56:17,974
or to not join Yeah. Just to screw

1548
00:56:17,974 --> 00:56:19,960
that number up. But I am enjoying the

1549
00:56:19,960 --> 00:56:22,119
number 69 as I'm saying it. It's it's,

1550
00:56:22,359 --> 00:56:22,859
it's

1551
00:56:23,319 --> 00:56:24,539
delightful. It's delightful.

1552
00:56:25,799 --> 00:56:28,855
So, yeah. A bonus section. Mhmm. We're back.

1553
00:56:28,914 --> 00:56:29,414
Yeah.

1554
00:56:29,954 --> 00:56:32,514
I really think that if we had felt

1555
00:56:32,514 --> 00:56:33,954
like we could've, we couldn't. But if we

1556
00:56:33,954 --> 00:56:35,349
felt like we could've, we would probably still

1557
00:56:35,349 --> 00:56:36,090
be on a break.

1558
00:56:36,550 --> 00:56:37,050
Yeah.

1559
00:56:37,910 --> 00:56:38,410
But

1560
00:56:39,190 --> 00:56:40,329
I think we also

1561
00:56:41,110 --> 00:56:42,329
had some really good

1562
00:56:46,505 --> 00:56:48,684
and it's not the work

1563
00:56:49,144 --> 00:56:52,425
that's burning us out. It's other stuff Right.

1564
00:56:52,657 --> 00:56:54,589
That makes the work very necessary.

1565
00:56:56,889 --> 00:56:59,449
And so we're working on other things Right.

1566
00:56:59,699 --> 00:57:00,199
To

1567
00:57:01,835 --> 00:57:03,614
to not feel quite so

1568
00:57:04,315 --> 00:57:04,815
drained.

1569
00:57:06,155 --> 00:57:07,594
One of the one of the things that

1570
00:57:07,594 --> 00:57:08,780
that we did this

1571
00:57:09,340 --> 00:57:10,699
this break and,

1572
00:57:11,739 --> 00:57:12,719
especially myself,

1573
00:57:16,114 --> 00:57:16,855
did nothing

1574
00:57:17,474 --> 00:57:19,655
really and honestly did nothing.

1575
00:57:20,914 --> 00:57:22,855
I did not do anything work related

1576
00:57:23,554 --> 00:57:24,614
the entire week.

1577
00:57:28,179 --> 00:57:30,900
You know, obviously, doing dishes and, you know,

1578
00:57:30,900 --> 00:57:33,380
eating Right. You know, things like that. You

1579
00:57:33,380 --> 00:57:35,974
know, cooking, we we did that. But, you

1580
00:57:35,974 --> 00:57:36,474
know,

1581
00:57:37,175 --> 00:57:37,675
initially,

1582
00:57:37,974 --> 00:57:39,655
when talking about the break, I was like,

1583
00:57:39,655 --> 00:57:40,974
oh, well, you know, I can do some

1584
00:57:40,974 --> 00:57:42,454
of the ketchup on some of the things

1585
00:57:42,454 --> 00:57:43,755
around the house that need

1586
00:57:44,090 --> 00:57:44,909
attending to,

1587
00:57:45,289 --> 00:57:47,050
and, you know what you know what I

1588
00:57:47,050 --> 00:57:47,550
did?

1589
00:57:48,890 --> 00:57:51,289
Nothing. Nothing. I I was like, you know

1590
00:57:51,289 --> 00:57:53,309
what, it will it will all be there

1591
00:57:54,655 --> 00:57:57,454
later. Nothing is is critical. It's not gonna

1592
00:57:57,454 --> 00:58:00,015
cause the house to come crashing down my

1593
00:58:00,015 --> 00:58:00,515
heads.

1594
00:58:01,295 --> 00:58:01,614
And,

1595
00:58:03,050 --> 00:58:04,269
yeah. Yeah. I

1596
00:58:05,130 --> 00:58:06,190
sat on the sofa.

1597
00:58:06,809 --> 00:58:08,969
By Friday, you started doing for you, like,

1598
00:58:08,969 --> 00:58:11,690
beneficial things for yourself personally, like Yeah. Shaved

1599
00:58:11,690 --> 00:58:13,664
his beard. Right? Like, the little things like

1600
00:58:13,664 --> 00:58:15,985
that that are important. Trim my beard. Sorry.

1601
00:58:15,985 --> 00:58:18,065
Trim. No. Did not shave. That that would

1602
00:58:18,065 --> 00:58:20,569
be immediate banishment to the shed until it

1603
00:58:20,569 --> 00:58:22,489
grew back. I'm so sorry. You're gonna have

1604
00:58:22,489 --> 00:58:24,010
to wear a mask now until that thing

1605
00:58:24,010 --> 00:58:25,389
grows back. Something. Anyway,

1606
00:58:27,344 --> 00:58:28,164
she said submissively.

1607
00:58:29,744 --> 00:58:31,344
But I it took me a while to,

1608
00:58:31,344 --> 00:58:33,985
like, lean into the just sit still for

1609
00:58:33,985 --> 00:58:35,265
a little bit. Like, not that I was

1610
00:58:35,265 --> 00:58:36,704
doing a lot, but mostly I was feeling

1611
00:58:36,704 --> 00:58:38,369
bad bad about not doing a lot until

1612
00:58:38,369 --> 00:58:41,109
I wasn't feeling bad about that anymore. Mhmm.

1613
00:58:41,170 --> 00:58:43,170
So that by Friday, when he starts, like,

1614
00:58:43,170 --> 00:58:45,250
puttering around the house and, like, you know,

1615
00:58:45,250 --> 00:58:47,525
taking care of his own personal grooming, I'm

1616
00:58:47,525 --> 00:58:49,844
like, what the hell are you doing? That's

1617
00:58:49,844 --> 00:58:50,905
too much movement.

1618
00:58:51,285 --> 00:58:54,184
Yeah. I feel like I was personally offended.

1619
00:58:56,269 --> 00:58:58,510
Over the break, did not even do yard

1620
00:58:58,510 --> 00:58:59,010
work.

1621
00:59:00,269 --> 00:59:00,769
You

1622
00:59:02,804 --> 00:59:04,804
you start like, right before we went on

1623
00:59:04,804 --> 00:59:06,905
break, you did yard work. Yeah. Yeah? Mhmm.

1624
00:59:06,964 --> 00:59:09,125
And then yeah. You we didn't do yard

1625
00:59:09,125 --> 00:59:10,630
work, and then we had a hurricane.

1626
00:59:11,589 --> 00:59:13,589
We didn't really. We got some out of

1627
00:59:13,589 --> 00:59:15,210
hand stuff. We were fine.

1628
00:59:16,549 --> 00:59:18,574
And that was what? As we knew the

1629
00:59:18,574 --> 00:59:20,375
hurricane was coming, we were prepping for it.

1630
00:59:20,375 --> 00:59:21,375
I don't know. But he looked over at

1631
00:59:21,375 --> 00:59:22,494
me and went, oh, by the way, we're

1632
00:59:22,494 --> 00:59:24,094
not doing yard work this weekend. I went,

1633
00:59:24,094 --> 00:59:25,074
okay. Good. Because

1634
00:59:25,750 --> 00:59:27,670
I wasn't really feeling it. I but, see,

1635
00:59:27,670 --> 00:59:29,269
it's one of those things. So sometimes there

1636
00:59:29,269 --> 00:59:31,110
are weeks we'll take breaks, and by the

1637
00:59:31,110 --> 00:59:33,510
end of that break, I have ideas. I

1638
00:59:33,510 --> 00:59:35,094
am chomping at the bit. I'm like, let's

1639
00:59:35,094 --> 00:59:36,554
sit down. Let's get some work done.

1640
00:59:36,934 --> 00:59:39,894
This was not one of those times. Yeah.

1641
00:59:39,894 --> 00:59:42,454
No. No. This is not one of those

1642
00:59:42,454 --> 00:59:43,114
times. So,

1643
00:59:44,454 --> 00:59:45,820
thanks to a hurricane,

1644
00:59:46,680 --> 00:59:49,320
we took Monday off. Now we work from

1645
00:59:49,320 --> 00:59:52,300
home, never lost power. No. Never lost Internet.

1646
00:59:52,360 --> 00:59:55,534
Nope. Absolutely could have done things. Went Yeah.

1647
00:59:55,855 --> 00:59:58,275
Oh, it's a hurricane day. Mhmm.

1648
00:59:58,974 --> 00:59:59,474
Yep.

1649
01:00:00,414 --> 01:00:01,480
Can't work now.

1650
01:00:03,559 --> 01:00:06,359
And then Tuesday for you was cleanup day,

1651
01:00:06,359 --> 01:00:08,359
which did need to happen. Yeah. And I

1652
01:00:08,359 --> 01:00:11,014
eased into work. And then today, I got

1653
01:00:11,014 --> 01:00:11,835
a lot done.

1654
01:00:12,295 --> 01:00:14,135
But you had a doctor's appointment at 8

1655
01:00:14,135 --> 01:00:14,635
AM.

1656
01:00:14,934 --> 01:00:15,594
Right. Yeah.

1657
01:00:16,695 --> 01:00:18,369
You've been easing into this week, and I

1658
01:00:18,369 --> 01:00:20,130
think that's good. I want you to do

1659
01:00:20,130 --> 01:00:22,449
that where you can. Mhmm. Am I envious

1660
01:00:22,449 --> 01:00:24,130
that I can't do it more often? Of

1661
01:00:24,130 --> 01:00:25,109
course, I am.

1662
01:00:26,594 --> 01:00:28,355
But, yeah, you had a you had a

1663
01:00:28,355 --> 01:00:29,894
impromptu doctor's appointment.

1664
01:00:30,594 --> 01:00:31,094
We

1665
01:00:31,954 --> 01:00:34,514
Yeah. We did the online messaging with the

1666
01:00:34,514 --> 01:00:36,820
doctor's office of here are preferred days, here

1667
01:00:36,820 --> 01:00:38,039
are preferred times. That

1668
01:00:38,659 --> 01:00:39,239
that was

1669
01:00:40,179 --> 01:00:42,820
Monday evening. Mhmm. And by Tuesday, they're calling

1670
01:00:42,820 --> 01:00:43,940
you going, we can get you in at

1671
01:00:43,940 --> 01:00:46,184
8 AM tomorrow. Right. I was like, damn.

1672
01:00:46,184 --> 01:00:46,684
Yep.

1673
01:00:46,984 --> 01:00:49,324
And so we went. Yep. There we were.

1674
01:00:49,944 --> 01:00:50,924
Because somebody

1675
01:00:51,704 --> 01:00:54,284
has a noodly back, and he just needs,

1676
01:00:54,460 --> 01:00:54,960
like,

1677
01:00:55,420 --> 01:00:56,639
a steel spine

1678
01:00:57,099 --> 01:00:59,099
to keep him upright at this point. Something.

1679
01:00:59,099 --> 01:00:59,920
Something. Nexoskeleton,

1680
01:01:00,300 --> 01:01:02,639
whether Something. Iron Man suit.

1681
01:01:03,099 --> 01:01:03,920
There you go.

1682
01:01:04,300 --> 01:01:05,965
So So we don't have any we don't

1683
01:01:05,965 --> 01:01:07,565
have any news or information, but it's not

1684
01:01:07,565 --> 01:01:09,164
as lower back like it had been. It

1685
01:01:09,164 --> 01:01:10,925
is now we're in the thoracic. We've moved

1686
01:01:10,925 --> 01:01:12,684
up. Yeah. We've been up in the world.

1687
01:01:12,684 --> 01:01:13,744
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

1688
01:01:14,109 --> 01:01:16,930
But I didn't realize it because I so

1689
01:01:17,070 --> 01:01:17,570
we

1690
01:01:18,510 --> 01:01:21,389
we don't do things like, air quote, normal

1691
01:01:21,389 --> 01:01:23,335
people would do. I don't know what air

1692
01:01:23,335 --> 01:01:25,175
quote normal even means, but you know. And

1693
01:01:25,175 --> 01:01:26,315
here's how I know that.

1694
01:01:27,014 --> 01:01:28,775
I had forgotten about this. I'd forgotten the

1695
01:01:28,775 --> 01:01:30,960
dates. I hadn't forgotten the instance. So we're

1696
01:01:31,039 --> 01:01:33,219
you're at the doctor today, and you're explaining

1697
01:01:33,440 --> 01:01:33,940
your

1698
01:01:34,320 --> 01:01:36,400
back history for that part of your back.

1699
01:01:36,400 --> 01:01:38,820
Yeah. And he said, well, in 2012,

1700
01:01:39,905 --> 01:01:42,385
I had a epidural, cordless, whatever the shot

1701
01:01:42,385 --> 01:01:44,464
is that makes the pain go away. And

1702
01:01:44,464 --> 01:01:47,184
I was immediately reminded that, oh, yeah. I

1703
01:01:47,184 --> 01:01:48,244
know about that.

1704
01:01:48,739 --> 01:01:50,900
Yeah. Because I was You were there. Must

1705
01:01:50,900 --> 01:01:52,360
have been 2013 then.

1706
01:01:53,059 --> 01:01:55,239
Because 2012, we met in December of 2012.

1707
01:01:55,460 --> 01:01:57,035
That's true. So it was 20 13. Either

1708
01:01:57,035 --> 01:01:58,855
way, it's over 10 years ago.

1709
01:01:59,235 --> 01:02:02,295
Because one of the first things we did

1710
01:02:02,515 --> 01:02:05,190
physically together after the first time we met

1711
01:02:05,190 --> 01:02:07,050
and we had a week long fuckery.

1712
01:02:07,349 --> 01:02:09,590
Like, the very next time we saw one

1713
01:02:09,590 --> 01:02:11,875
another, I think, I was taking him to

1714
01:02:11,875 --> 01:02:12,614
the orthopedic

1715
01:02:12,914 --> 01:02:14,295
doctor for his

1716
01:02:14,914 --> 01:02:17,315
Yeah. And and bringing me date. And and

1717
01:02:17,315 --> 01:02:19,319
bringing me back home because I wasn't a

1718
01:02:19,319 --> 01:02:22,359
little surprised. For that. This No. Nope. There

1719
01:02:22,359 --> 01:02:23,980
wasn't. Oh, is there? There was not.

1720
01:02:24,280 --> 01:02:27,215
And and I know I have no memory

1721
01:02:27,215 --> 01:02:28,894
of thinking this is a strange thing to

1722
01:02:28,894 --> 01:02:30,735
do as a new couple. It wasn't. We

1723
01:02:30,735 --> 01:02:32,735
just it's what he needed. I could get

1724
01:02:32,735 --> 01:02:35,239
there. We did the thing. But when I

1725
01:02:35,239 --> 01:02:37,099
look back on it now, I'm like,

1726
01:02:37,400 --> 01:02:39,079
I don't think that's what most people do

1727
01:02:39,079 --> 01:02:41,420
on their second dates. Yeah. No. No.

1728
01:02:41,799 --> 01:02:42,299
No.

1729
01:02:43,784 --> 01:02:45,465
Oh, god. So yeah. You know,

1730
01:02:46,985 --> 01:02:50,364
Kayla's right. My back is, my entire spine

1731
01:02:50,425 --> 01:02:50,849
is

1732
01:02:51,650 --> 01:02:53,010
a hot mess. Mhmm.

1733
01:02:53,650 --> 01:02:55,570
Different part of it is acting up right

1734
01:02:55,570 --> 01:02:56,390
now, and,

1735
01:02:57,010 --> 01:02:58,210
yeah, I'm gonna do what I need to

1736
01:02:58,210 --> 01:03:00,394
do to take care of it. And then

1737
01:03:00,394 --> 01:03:02,394
because it's the American health care system, we

1738
01:03:02,394 --> 01:03:03,755
have to jump through hoops. So what he

1739
01:03:03,755 --> 01:03:05,675
really needs is an MRI to see what

1740
01:03:05,675 --> 01:03:07,114
the hell is happening because he already has

1741
01:03:07,114 --> 01:03:09,030
a history of back problems. But as the

1742
01:03:09,030 --> 01:03:10,964
doctor pointed out today, and she's right, and

1743
01:03:10,964 --> 01:03:12,898
I know she's right, we've experienced this. She's

1744
01:03:12,898 --> 01:03:14,833
like, okay, look. First, I have to tell

1745
01:03:14,833 --> 01:03:17,234
you to do ice and heat, and, we're

1746
01:03:17,234 --> 01:03:19,554
gonna suggest physical therapy. And JB points out,

1747
01:03:19,554 --> 01:03:21,875
hey. I've had physical therapy for this part

1748
01:03:21,875 --> 01:03:23,409
of my back. Mhmm. I always have to

1749
01:03:23,489 --> 01:03:25,409
stop because it aggravates my lower back. She

1750
01:03:25,409 --> 01:03:27,269
goes, okay. But what we have to do

1751
01:03:27,409 --> 01:03:30,289
is say that we tried. Yeah. Get it

1752
01:03:30,289 --> 01:03:32,210
on record that you went until you could

1753
01:03:32,210 --> 01:03:33,269
not go anymore,

1754
01:03:33,635 --> 01:03:35,715
and then insurance will let us do an

1755
01:03:35,715 --> 01:03:37,795
MRI on you. And I'm like, are you

1756
01:03:38,034 --> 01:03:40,434
Right. Fucking kidding me. Gotta jump through the

1757
01:03:40,434 --> 01:03:41,974
hoops. Yeah. Jump through the hoops.

1758
01:03:43,539 --> 01:03:44,099
Yeah. So

1759
01:03:44,500 --> 01:03:48,099
yeah. Yep. So, yeah, starting the, the the

1760
01:03:48,099 --> 01:03:50,039
the icing and the And the steroid.

1761
01:03:50,500 --> 01:03:53,000
And, tomorrow starts steroid pack

1762
01:03:53,684 --> 01:03:54,085
And,

1763
01:03:54,485 --> 01:03:56,085
we'll see what that does. And just take

1764
01:03:56,085 --> 01:03:58,164
it fucking easy because the thing we cannot

1765
01:03:58,164 --> 01:03:59,764
afford for him to do at this time

1766
01:03:59,764 --> 01:04:01,670
of the year is to not be able

1767
01:04:01,670 --> 01:04:03,289
to stand up. Right.

1768
01:04:04,230 --> 01:04:05,289
So Yeah.

1769
01:04:05,590 --> 01:04:06,090
Yeah.

1770
01:04:07,590 --> 01:04:09,670
So But thankfully, you didn't let that go

1771
01:04:09,670 --> 01:04:11,735
too long before you were like, hey. No.

1772
01:04:11,735 --> 01:04:13,735
No. No. To our release. You you know,

1773
01:04:13,735 --> 01:04:14,954
it's it's not

1774
01:04:16,454 --> 01:04:18,075
at a point that it's

1775
01:04:18,820 --> 01:04:19,320
painful

1776
01:04:19,940 --> 01:04:20,440
yet.

1777
01:04:21,300 --> 01:04:22,360
Yet. Yet.

1778
01:04:22,739 --> 01:04:23,559
It's coming.

1779
01:04:23,940 --> 01:04:24,440
The

1780
01:04:24,900 --> 01:04:25,719
the pain

1781
01:04:26,340 --> 01:04:27,719
on this upper part

1782
01:04:28,355 --> 01:04:28,855
is

1783
01:04:29,315 --> 01:04:30,855
as bad, if not worse,

1784
01:04:31,315 --> 01:04:31,815
than

1785
01:04:32,355 --> 01:04:33,815
the lower pain. Mhmm.

1786
01:04:34,195 --> 01:04:35,335
And when it started

1787
01:04:36,579 --> 01:04:37,400
coming on,

1788
01:04:37,780 --> 01:04:38,920
I was like, okay.

1789
01:04:39,539 --> 01:04:40,199
You know,

1790
01:04:40,980 --> 01:04:42,739
what's going on here at first? You know?

1791
01:04:42,739 --> 01:04:43,960
And then, oh, yeah.

1792
01:04:45,264 --> 01:04:47,505
That yeah. Yeah. I remember that. Yeah. I

1793
01:04:47,505 --> 01:04:49,105
remember that now. It's been a while. It's

1794
01:04:49,105 --> 01:04:50,944
been a hot minute. It's been over 10

1795
01:04:50,944 --> 01:04:51,924
years. Yeah.

1796
01:04:52,304 --> 01:04:52,804
And,

1797
01:04:54,659 --> 01:04:56,760
you know, I I started doing some things,

1798
01:04:57,140 --> 01:05:00,260
anti inflammatory and like, okay, that's kinda helping

1799
01:05:00,579 --> 01:05:01,880
Mhmm. Ease it down.

1800
01:05:02,355 --> 01:05:05,494
But, yeah, it's not it's not pain.

1801
01:05:06,195 --> 01:05:08,514
The best way I could explain it Oh,

1802
01:05:08,514 --> 01:05:10,650
yeah. I got used as the model to

1803
01:05:10,650 --> 01:05:12,490
show where all his pain and sensations were.

1804
01:05:12,490 --> 01:05:14,170
Right. Let me point to my wife's back

1805
01:05:14,170 --> 01:05:16,490
here so you could see Well, you know,

1806
01:05:16,490 --> 01:05:17,390
it's just kinda

1807
01:05:20,025 --> 01:05:20,525
Okay.

1808
01:05:21,625 --> 01:05:23,305
I thought I was there for moral support.

1809
01:05:23,305 --> 01:05:25,325
Well, that too. Now, I was the model.

1810
01:05:25,489 --> 01:05:26,690
Yeah. So

1811
01:05:27,589 --> 01:05:30,210
Anyway, you know, yeah. What the best way

1812
01:05:30,210 --> 01:05:32,425
I can describe it, imagine if somebody walks

1813
01:05:32,425 --> 01:05:33,405
up behind you

1814
01:05:34,105 --> 01:05:36,445
and puts their arms around you and squeezes

1815
01:05:36,664 --> 01:05:37,385
your chest

1816
01:05:37,864 --> 01:05:40,285
Tightly. Tightly, in a tight hug

1817
01:05:41,250 --> 01:05:43,250
that just doesn't go away. And that you

1818
01:05:43,250 --> 01:05:44,710
didn't consent to. Yeah.

1819
01:05:45,410 --> 01:05:47,250
Right. You don't want that hug. Make that

1820
01:05:47,250 --> 01:05:49,925
hug stop. Right. Yeah. I know it's bad

1821
01:05:49,925 --> 01:05:51,605
when you're warning me, you're like, I'm taking

1822
01:05:51,605 --> 01:05:53,285
all of my back meds tonight. Because he's

1823
01:05:53,285 --> 01:05:55,204
on an as needed basis with any of

1824
01:05:55,204 --> 01:05:57,320
his his medication from his lower back.

1825
01:05:57,619 --> 01:05:59,219
And so he has it, but he doesn't

1826
01:05:59,219 --> 01:06:00,900
usually have to take it very often. And

1827
01:06:00,900 --> 01:06:03,300
he's like, no. No. I I will not

1828
01:06:03,300 --> 01:06:06,125
be coherent. I'm taking all my meds tonight.

1829
01:06:06,424 --> 01:06:08,525
Yeah. Yeah. Last last night was

1830
01:06:09,224 --> 01:06:09,724
Yeah.

1831
01:06:10,505 --> 01:06:11,964
So we're just,

1832
01:06:12,639 --> 01:06:14,800
we're gonna play the game that we are

1833
01:06:14,800 --> 01:06:16,260
required to play. Yeah.

1834
01:06:17,119 --> 01:06:19,119
Hopefully, that doesn't cost an arm and a

1835
01:06:19,119 --> 01:06:21,139
leg. No. But it is what it is.

1836
01:06:22,464 --> 01:06:24,404
And, yeah, just fingers crossed now.

1837
01:06:24,704 --> 01:06:27,344
JB's going through this. JB knows what that

1838
01:06:27,344 --> 01:06:29,559
feeling in that part of his back means

1839
01:06:29,559 --> 01:06:30,940
and where this is headed.

1840
01:06:31,320 --> 01:06:33,640
And also cleaned up the yard from the

1841
01:06:33,640 --> 01:06:35,640
storm that we did get, like, the wind

1842
01:06:35,640 --> 01:06:37,880
knocked tree limbs down, whatever. Cleaned that all

1843
01:06:37,880 --> 01:06:39,164
up by himself. And

1844
01:06:39,545 --> 01:06:41,224
then, my aunt and uncle went out of

1845
01:06:41,224 --> 01:06:43,385
town for a few days. They ordered had

1846
01:06:43,385 --> 01:06:45,545
to order a new printer, and it's like

1847
01:06:45,545 --> 01:06:46,284
a almost

1848
01:06:46,900 --> 01:06:49,299
almost a commercial grade printer. So it's big

1849
01:06:49,299 --> 01:06:50,659
and it's heavy, and they were afraid it

1850
01:06:50,659 --> 01:06:51,940
was going to arrive while they were out

1851
01:06:51,940 --> 01:06:53,059
of town. So they asked if they could

1852
01:06:53,059 --> 01:06:54,514
send it to our house. And we're like,

1853
01:06:54,674 --> 01:06:57,074
of course, you can. Mhmm. That's fine. So

1854
01:06:57,074 --> 01:06:58,594
they send it to our house, and of

1855
01:06:58,594 --> 01:07:00,594
course, it arrives after they get home because

1856
01:07:00,594 --> 01:07:02,454
that's Mhmm. How life works sometimes.

1857
01:07:02,960 --> 01:07:05,519
It's a big heavy box that JB, with

1858
01:07:05,519 --> 01:07:06,099
the back,

1859
01:07:06,559 --> 01:07:07,940
brings in by himself.

1860
01:07:09,039 --> 01:07:10,880
Thankfully, he was like, no. No. You can

1861
01:07:10,880 --> 01:07:11,454
help me

1862
01:07:12,015 --> 01:07:13,215
take it to the car and take it

1863
01:07:13,215 --> 01:07:14,815
to your aunt and uncle's house. I was

1864
01:07:14,815 --> 01:07:16,094
like, woah. To to get it in the

1865
01:07:16,094 --> 01:07:17,855
house because of where they left it, I

1866
01:07:17,855 --> 01:07:19,375
mean, they left it right at the front

1867
01:07:19,375 --> 01:07:21,880
door. Mhmm. K? So I just used the

1868
01:07:21,880 --> 01:07:23,799
handle to lift it up over the the

1869
01:07:23,799 --> 01:07:26,199
stoop and then I But I still wanna

1870
01:07:26,199 --> 01:07:28,485
help. Didn't lift. I still wanna help. Yeah.

1871
01:07:28,644 --> 01:07:30,565
You helped where it was important. You helped

1872
01:07:30,565 --> 01:07:31,845
get it to the car and you helped

1873
01:07:31,845 --> 01:07:33,285
get it out of the car and into

1874
01:07:33,285 --> 01:07:35,364
their house. Anyway, he's done a lot of

1875
01:07:35,364 --> 01:07:36,265
different things.

1876
01:07:36,650 --> 01:07:38,190
Yeah. On his own.

1877
01:07:39,449 --> 01:07:40,510
It's all I'm saying.

1878
01:07:40,889 --> 01:07:42,269
Because somebody's a stubborn

1879
01:07:42,969 --> 01:07:45,949
and grumpy polar bear. That's right. Yeah. Yep.

1880
01:07:46,250 --> 01:07:47,914
Yeah. And if I have to break out

1881
01:07:47,914 --> 01:07:49,994
the tough love clause, I will. I am

1882
01:07:49,994 --> 01:07:52,075
not afraid of that type of thing. I

1883
01:07:52,075 --> 01:07:52,575
I

1884
01:07:54,050 --> 01:07:56,130
monitored my situation. I I told you I

1885
01:07:56,130 --> 01:07:57,570
need to go to the doctor. I did

1886
01:07:57,570 --> 01:07:58,949
not, you know.

1887
01:07:59,409 --> 01:08:02,130
Mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm. So, you know Are you

1888
01:08:02,130 --> 01:08:03,954
gonna be when it's time to mow the

1889
01:08:03,954 --> 01:08:05,235
lawn, are you gonna do it all by

1890
01:08:05,235 --> 01:08:07,715
yourself without any of my help? Lola said

1891
01:08:07,715 --> 01:08:09,655
she would do it for me. Lola.

1892
01:08:11,730 --> 01:08:12,469
Lola who

1893
01:08:13,250 --> 01:08:13,989
is eyes

1894
01:08:14,289 --> 01:08:16,920
closed shut tight, but that listening ear is

1895
01:08:16,920 --> 01:08:17,670
up. Mhmm.

1896
01:08:18,449 --> 01:08:18,949
Mhmm.

1897
01:08:19,564 --> 01:08:21,804
Lola's been good. Yeah. Lola's been great. The

1898
01:08:21,804 --> 01:08:23,885
girls the other girls, the cats are still

1899
01:08:23,885 --> 01:08:26,465
menaces. Oh, man. Oh my god.

1900
01:08:27,899 --> 01:08:28,399
Oh,

1901
01:08:28,699 --> 01:08:30,539
so I forget where I tell stories, and

1902
01:08:30,539 --> 01:08:32,060
I told this story last night. And I

1903
01:08:32,060 --> 01:08:33,500
thought it was to y'all. It couldn't have

1904
01:08:33,500 --> 01:08:35,255
been. It was to my aunt and uncle.

1905
01:08:35,475 --> 01:08:36,774
Okay. Yeah. So

1906
01:08:37,234 --> 01:08:39,875
Onyx This is hilarious. Onyx and Ella have

1907
01:08:39,875 --> 01:08:40,034
had,

1908
01:08:42,189 --> 01:08:44,909
a relationship that evolves a little bit more

1909
01:08:44,909 --> 01:08:45,729
every year.

1910
01:08:46,590 --> 01:08:48,909
1st got them across the house from one

1911
01:08:48,909 --> 01:08:49,409
another

1912
01:08:49,789 --> 01:08:51,925
the next year they could be like in

1913
01:08:51,925 --> 01:08:52,824
the same room.

1914
01:08:53,125 --> 01:08:55,145
The next year, they could be

1915
01:08:55,524 --> 01:08:58,344
on adjacent pieces of furniture near one another.

1916
01:08:59,600 --> 01:09:01,280
This year, they've gotten to a point where

1917
01:09:01,280 --> 01:09:03,039
they can be on the back of the

1918
01:09:03,039 --> 01:09:06,159
same couch together, and very slowly over time,

1919
01:09:06,159 --> 01:09:09,024
over this past 6 months, they've gotten physically

1920
01:09:09,085 --> 01:09:10,925
closer and closer to one another on the

1921
01:09:10,925 --> 01:09:12,845
back of this couch. Mhmm. And it's wonderful

1922
01:09:12,845 --> 01:09:14,685
to see because Ella is the type of

1923
01:09:14,685 --> 01:09:16,840
cat she definitely wants somebody she can cuddle

1924
01:09:16,840 --> 01:09:18,840
up with Yeah. And that she can, like,

1925
01:09:18,840 --> 01:09:20,840
groom. And none of these other bitches will

1926
01:09:20,840 --> 01:09:22,439
let her do that. They're like, get the

1927
01:09:22,439 --> 01:09:24,680
fuck away from me. So we are sitting

1928
01:09:24,680 --> 01:09:26,885
on our couch the other night, and we

1929
01:09:26,885 --> 01:09:27,385
see

1930
01:09:28,005 --> 01:09:30,965
Onyx is up on her little perch on

1931
01:09:30,965 --> 01:09:33,284
the other, like, the loveseat. And Ella jumps

1932
01:09:33,284 --> 01:09:36,279
up and gets close and Onyx doesn't blink,

1933
01:09:36,279 --> 01:09:38,920
doesn't get up, doesn't hiss, just sits there

1934
01:09:38,920 --> 01:09:41,720
calmly, like not worried at all. And we

1935
01:09:41,720 --> 01:09:45,354
watch Ella look like she's gonna boop her

1936
01:09:45,515 --> 01:09:47,994
She she was cleaning her. Well, that's what

1937
01:09:47,994 --> 01:09:49,675
it looked like. We and it looked like

1938
01:09:49,675 --> 01:09:51,114
she was cleaning her, but we started out,

1939
01:09:51,114 --> 01:09:52,875
she kinda, like, nudged her with her nose.

1940
01:09:52,875 --> 01:09:54,149
Mhmm. Onyx didn't react.

1941
01:09:54,530 --> 01:09:56,869
It looked from our vantage point,

1942
01:09:57,329 --> 01:09:59,570
like, Ella started to clean her. Clean her

1943
01:09:59,570 --> 01:10:01,750
butt, like, back in, not her head.

1944
01:10:02,255 --> 01:10:03,934
And we're like, oh my god. This is

1945
01:10:04,094 --> 01:10:06,255
and Onyx is allowing it. Onyx is just

1946
01:10:06,255 --> 01:10:07,554
sitting there coming. We're like,

1947
01:10:07,854 --> 01:10:09,614
oh my god. Is it happening? It's it's

1948
01:10:09,614 --> 01:10:12,739
happening. It's happening, people. And then we watch.

1949
01:10:13,039 --> 01:10:16,500
Ella clearly had an intrusive thought hit. Right.

1950
01:10:16,560 --> 01:10:18,100
She leaned forward

1951
01:10:19,344 --> 01:10:21,765
and not hard, not enough to hurt, but

1952
01:10:21,904 --> 01:10:24,864
bit Onyx in the ass, like, right on

1953
01:10:24,864 --> 01:10:26,244
that back haunch.

1954
01:10:27,170 --> 01:10:29,250
And even Onyx didn't know what to do.

1955
01:10:29,250 --> 01:10:31,189
There was no hissing. There was no fighting.

1956
01:10:31,409 --> 01:10:35,005
But Onyx jumped up, just total shock, Turned

1957
01:10:35,545 --> 01:10:37,545
around, looked at Ella. You could almost see

1958
01:10:37,545 --> 01:10:38,905
Ella going, I don't know what the fuck

1959
01:10:38,905 --> 01:10:40,204
just happened there either.

1960
01:10:40,905 --> 01:10:42,345
I just had an urge and I went

1961
01:10:42,345 --> 01:10:46,050
with it. And Onyx just like, Onyx's eyes

1962
01:10:46,050 --> 01:10:48,130
were huge, and her pupils were, like, almost

1963
01:10:48,130 --> 01:10:50,770
fully dilated. She's like, what the actual fuck

1964
01:10:50,770 --> 01:10:51,909
is happening here?

1965
01:10:52,324 --> 01:10:54,104
And then they parted ways.

1966
01:10:54,885 --> 01:10:57,225
And I have not seen them that physically

1967
01:10:57,284 --> 01:10:58,664
close together since.

1968
01:10:59,829 --> 01:11:02,869
But, it still feels like progress. I mean,

1969
01:11:02,869 --> 01:11:04,090
messy progress.

1970
01:11:04,789 --> 01:11:07,449
Nice progress. But, you know, I I think

1971
01:11:07,725 --> 01:11:09,024
I I think that

1972
01:11:10,364 --> 01:11:11,824
for Ella, I think

1973
01:11:12,685 --> 01:11:14,765
biting Is her love language. Is her love

1974
01:11:14,765 --> 01:11:16,765
language. Well, and cleaning your feet, not not

1975
01:11:16,765 --> 01:11:18,829
human feet. Dog Dog feet. She loves her,

1976
01:11:18,829 --> 01:11:19,649
so you're like,

1977
01:11:20,989 --> 01:11:23,789
corn chips smelling Frito chips smelling feet. I

1978
01:11:23,789 --> 01:11:26,050
I have had, on a number of occasions,

1979
01:11:26,335 --> 01:11:28,175
Ella will come up, and she'll get in

1980
01:11:28,175 --> 01:11:30,494
my lap, and she'll, you know, kinda go

1981
01:11:30,494 --> 01:11:32,654
down. And she'll start, like, licking me somewhere

1982
01:11:32,654 --> 01:11:34,610
on my hand, and she'll just, like and

1983
01:11:34,610 --> 01:11:36,050
and then all of a sudden, she'll just

1984
01:11:36,050 --> 01:11:36,550
she'll

1985
01:11:36,930 --> 01:11:37,750
just kind

1986
01:11:38,449 --> 01:11:40,530
of bite. We need to ask cat daddy

1987
01:11:40,530 --> 01:11:42,530
what's happening. And it's not a hard bite.

1988
01:11:42,530 --> 01:11:42,680
No. I'm not trying to hurt. Just, you

1989
01:11:42,680 --> 01:11:44,886
know, just like, trying to hurt. Just, you

1990
01:11:44,886 --> 01:11:47,691
know, just like, boop, I'm here Right. Kinda

1991
01:11:47,691 --> 01:11:50,215
thing. You know? So Yeah. But I wish

1992
01:11:50,215 --> 01:11:52,739
we had recorded that. Mhmm. Because that I

1993
01:11:52,739 --> 01:11:55,100
mean, my favorite was just Onyx's reaction because

1994
01:11:55,100 --> 01:11:57,260
you would have expected Onyx to turn around

1995
01:11:57,260 --> 01:11:59,819
and beat her fucking ass because Onyx, to

1996
01:11:59,819 --> 01:12:01,835
this day, still will. Oh, yeah. If Onyx

1997
01:12:01,914 --> 01:12:03,835
feels like Ella has come into our bedroom,

1998
01:12:03,835 --> 01:12:06,015
which Onyx has claimed as her space,

1999
01:12:06,475 --> 01:12:07,835
and she is in the on the wrong

2000
01:12:07,835 --> 01:12:09,579
piece of furniture, she is on the bed

2001
01:12:09,579 --> 01:12:12,300
when she's not supposed to be. She's too

2002
01:12:12,300 --> 01:12:15,119
close to Onyx in the bed. Onyx will

2003
01:12:15,500 --> 01:12:17,454
whoop her like she's like, get the fuck

2004
01:12:17,454 --> 01:12:19,614
out of here, bitch. Yeah. This that's not

2005
01:12:19,614 --> 01:12:22,095
what happened. I just think everybody was in

2006
01:12:22,095 --> 01:12:23,375
shock. I think none of us knew what

2007
01:12:23,375 --> 01:12:25,140
the hell to do. Yeah. But it was

2008
01:12:25,140 --> 01:12:26,579
hilarious. Well, I mean, it's funny with you

2009
01:12:26,579 --> 01:12:28,020
know, because, like, with Onyx, she,

2010
01:12:28,739 --> 01:12:30,760
at at night before go to bed,

2011
01:12:31,860 --> 01:12:33,640
got in a habit where, you know,

2012
01:12:34,725 --> 01:12:36,264
her and I will pet

2013
01:12:36,804 --> 01:12:38,185
and brush. Mhmm.

2014
01:12:39,444 --> 01:12:40,585
And this occurs

2015
01:12:41,125 --> 01:12:42,965
in the bedroom because, you know, getting ready

2016
01:12:42,965 --> 01:12:44,680
to bring in stuff in the bedroom, and

2017
01:12:44,680 --> 01:12:46,840
she she come running in there, man, full

2018
01:12:46,840 --> 01:12:48,760
tilt and just flies up on that bed

2019
01:12:48,760 --> 01:12:50,539
because she knows what's gonna happen.

2020
01:12:51,159 --> 01:12:53,765
And if Ella comes into the bedroom

2021
01:12:54,385 --> 01:12:55,045
at that

2022
01:12:55,425 --> 01:12:57,045
point in time while it's occurring

2023
01:12:58,704 --> 01:13:00,840
No. No. She will jump off of that

2024
01:13:00,920 --> 01:13:02,859
bed, and she will go after

2025
01:13:03,399 --> 01:13:04,840
Ella and run her off out of the

2026
01:13:04,840 --> 01:13:06,760
room because, no, you do not belong. This

2027
01:13:06,760 --> 01:13:09,064
is my time. This is my space, and

2028
01:13:09,064 --> 01:13:11,064
you are not gonna be here for it.

2029
01:13:11,064 --> 01:13:12,824
One of my favorite things that Onyx has

2030
01:13:12,824 --> 01:13:14,104
been doing for a while, like, probably the

2031
01:13:14,104 --> 01:13:16,904
past couple years, but she's gotten more insistent

2032
01:13:16,904 --> 01:13:18,350
about it, is

2033
01:13:19,609 --> 01:13:21,630
when you're petting her, if you stop

2034
01:13:21,930 --> 01:13:24,670
and she's not ready for you to stop,

2035
01:13:24,729 --> 01:13:26,514
she will use her paw. And she did

2036
01:13:26,514 --> 01:13:28,994
not in the beginning, she did not do

2037
01:13:28,994 --> 01:13:31,234
that. No. It was almost like when we

2038
01:13:31,234 --> 01:13:33,154
first adopted her and brought her home, probably

2039
01:13:33,154 --> 01:13:34,934
the first one to 2 years,

2040
01:13:35,590 --> 01:13:37,989
I don't think she quite knew how to

2041
01:13:37,989 --> 01:13:38,489
feel

2042
01:13:38,789 --> 01:13:41,590
about being petted. Like, she knew she liked

2043
01:13:41,590 --> 01:13:44,804
it, but I think she didn't like that

2044
01:13:44,804 --> 01:13:48,085
she liked it. Yeah. So if you stopped,

2045
01:13:48,085 --> 01:13:50,164
she was done. She was often done before

2046
01:13:50,164 --> 01:13:51,304
you were done. Mhmm.

2047
01:13:51,764 --> 01:13:53,962
Over the past, I don't know, easily the

2048
01:13:53,962 --> 01:13:56,399
past year, maybe a little longer, she very

2049
01:13:56,399 --> 01:13:58,835
much has an opinion about how much you

2050
01:13:58,835 --> 01:14:01,271
should be petting her. And quite frankly, the

2051
01:14:01,271 --> 01:14:03,645
answer is always that's not enough. Right.

2052
01:14:04,104 --> 01:14:06,265
And she just scoops her little paw and

2053
01:14:06,265 --> 01:14:08,505
moves your hand. Like, I know this is

2054
01:14:08,505 --> 01:14:10,604
what that's for. Or or with me sometimes,

2055
01:14:10,824 --> 01:14:13,399
she'll she'll tap. Oh, will she? Oh my

2056
01:14:13,399 --> 01:14:13,899
gosh.

2057
01:14:14,439 --> 01:14:17,079
And and the the funny thing is, she

2058
01:14:17,079 --> 01:14:18,300
never puts her claws

2059
01:14:18,840 --> 01:14:21,000
out doing that. No. No. She doesn't. She's

2060
01:14:21,000 --> 01:14:23,445
very gentle. Mhmm. She does not allow us

2061
01:14:23,445 --> 01:14:25,765
to clip her claws, so they're naturally kinda

2062
01:14:25,765 --> 01:14:27,685
sharp. So they'll get you, but it's not

2063
01:14:27,685 --> 01:14:29,989
an aggressive get you. It's a I just

2064
01:14:29,989 --> 01:14:31,989
have long nails and they just scratched you

2065
01:14:31,989 --> 01:14:33,050
kinda get

2066
01:14:33,350 --> 01:14:35,670
you. So, yeah, our girls are funny. Yeah.

2067
01:14:35,670 --> 01:14:37,609
Girls are funny. Kids are good.

2068
01:14:39,274 --> 01:14:41,835
The, 19 year old was very gracious in

2069
01:14:41,835 --> 01:14:44,475
us being 2 weeks late getting his birthday

2070
01:14:44,475 --> 01:14:46,449
present to him. He's very happy about it.

2071
01:14:46,449 --> 01:14:48,050
He got a mini fridge. Yep. That was

2072
01:14:48,050 --> 01:14:49,750
another thing JB was carrying.

2073
01:14:52,289 --> 01:14:53,909
You are. I'm just saying.

2074
01:14:55,315 --> 01:14:56,854
And, the kid

2075
01:14:57,155 --> 01:14:58,534
who used to be,

2076
01:14:59,315 --> 01:15:01,635
he'd say, hey. Can you come to town

2077
01:15:01,635 --> 01:15:03,255
and so I can go grocery shopping?

2078
01:15:03,609 --> 01:15:05,130
I go, yeah. Sure. And he would spend

2079
01:15:05,130 --> 01:15:06,989
30 to $40 at a time.

2080
01:15:07,369 --> 01:15:09,130
That was also when he was eating out

2081
01:15:09,130 --> 01:15:11,210
of vending machines on campus, and he was

2082
01:15:11,210 --> 01:15:12,349
stopping at the little

2083
01:15:12,664 --> 01:15:15,064
cafes on campus. He knows better. He doesn't

2084
01:15:15,064 --> 01:15:17,305
do that anymore. And so now his grocery

2085
01:15:17,305 --> 01:15:18,364
bill has doubled.

2086
01:15:18,904 --> 01:15:19,145
Like

2087
01:15:19,760 --> 01:15:20,500
and I

2088
01:15:20,880 --> 01:15:22,640
watch I don't say truly, I don't say

2089
01:15:22,640 --> 01:15:24,399
a word because it is the thing I

2090
01:15:24,399 --> 01:15:26,579
can contribute to this child's college education.

2091
01:15:27,005 --> 01:15:28,524
And he's, you know, he's not taking out

2092
01:15:28,524 --> 01:15:30,765
student loans. His financial aid Right. For at

2093
01:15:30,765 --> 01:15:32,445
least this next school year will be enough.

2094
01:15:32,445 --> 01:15:34,945
Oh, well, so we we buy groceries fine.

2095
01:15:36,520 --> 01:15:39,560
He's like, I'll take 2 of these. Yeah.

2096
01:15:39,560 --> 01:15:42,520
I would like name brand of that. I

2097
01:15:42,520 --> 01:15:44,604
need 3 of them. And then he got

2098
01:15:44,685 --> 01:15:46,765
and he's self aware, so he puts something

2099
01:15:46,765 --> 01:15:48,204
in the cart. I think it was Sprite

2100
01:15:48,204 --> 01:15:50,765
or something, like, actual Sprite, not generic Sprite.

2101
01:15:50,765 --> 01:15:53,119
And he goes, I'm gonna treat myself with

2102
01:15:53,119 --> 01:15:55,679
your money. I was like, well, have a

2103
01:15:55,679 --> 01:15:57,359
good time with that. Yeah. I know. And

2104
01:15:57,359 --> 01:15:58,639
then his grocery bill

2105
01:15:59,359 --> 01:16:00,695
now this will last him 2 to to

2106
01:16:00,695 --> 01:16:02,454
3 weeks, but his grocery bill is what

2107
01:16:02,454 --> 01:16:04,614
we pay in a week for our groceries.

2108
01:16:04,614 --> 01:16:05,275
I'm like,

2109
01:16:06,935 --> 01:16:09,159
okay. He's not spending his money on Door

2110
01:16:09,239 --> 01:16:11,720
Dash. It's fine. It's fine. He could pay

2111
01:16:11,720 --> 01:16:13,720
his own rent and his own insurance and

2112
01:16:13,720 --> 01:16:14,220
his

2113
01:16:14,680 --> 01:16:16,680
the note on his bike. It's fine. I'll

2114
01:16:16,680 --> 01:16:18,060
buy the groceries. Yep.

2115
01:16:18,444 --> 01:16:22,125
So Yep. But yeah. The everything's good. We're

2116
01:16:22,125 --> 01:16:22,625
just

2117
01:16:23,085 --> 01:16:24,845
we're doing that typical, hey. We took time

2118
01:16:24,845 --> 01:16:26,670
off, and we're struggling to get back. Yep.

2119
01:16:26,670 --> 01:16:28,350
Yeah. As many people do who take, like,

2120
01:16:28,350 --> 01:16:29,550
a week off of work and you're like,

2121
01:16:29,550 --> 01:16:31,149
oh, fuck. You mean I gotta go you

2122
01:16:31,149 --> 01:16:32,289
got I gotta go back.

2123
01:16:32,750 --> 01:16:33,250
Yeah.

2124
01:16:34,189 --> 01:16:36,175
So but we are back. And there will

2125
01:16:36,175 --> 01:16:37,795
be an episode on Monday. Yep.

2126
01:16:38,175 --> 01:16:39,854
And I think I know what we're gonna

2127
01:16:39,854 --> 01:16:41,475
do for our topic next

2128
01:16:42,255 --> 01:16:45,310
week, but only if it's not an accidental,

2129
01:16:46,170 --> 01:16:48,250
like, duplication of a couple other topics we've

2130
01:16:48,250 --> 01:16:48,989
talked about.

2131
01:16:49,530 --> 01:16:50,670
We shall see.

2132
01:16:52,225 --> 01:16:53,265
And does it make you go

2133
01:16:54,945 --> 01:16:57,845
So yeah. I think that's plenty though. Yeah.

2134
01:16:58,145 --> 01:17:00,239
I I am actually running out of steam

2135
01:17:00,460 --> 01:17:02,539
with words, I mean. I'm I'm ready to

2136
01:17:02,539 --> 01:17:03,039
go

2137
01:17:03,899 --> 01:17:06,385
put on my What was you're comfy. Done

2138
01:17:06,385 --> 01:17:08,564
with it. She is snoring back over there.

2139
01:17:09,904 --> 01:17:13,344
Like, she worked a double. Yep. Okay? And

2140
01:17:13,344 --> 01:17:16,569
she's exhausted. That's that's the snore. Mhmm. So

2141
01:17:16,569 --> 01:17:17,930
we're gonna go so we can listen to

2142
01:17:17,930 --> 01:17:20,810
our dog snore and, we will be back

2143
01:17:20,810 --> 01:17:22,649
next week. Thanks y'all for being here with

2144
01:17:22,649 --> 01:17:24,284
us. Mhmm. Especially to the bitter end.

2145
01:17:25,064 --> 01:17:27,324
Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay. Alright. Bye. Bye.