You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode
406.
K. The Lord's here with the 1, the
only, the you were previously gruff and grumpy,
and now you seem like you're kinda chilled
out, John Brownstone.
Yeah. Good. Kinda kinda, you know, got into
the
Yeah. See, we're time traveling here, so y'all
will hear this before you hear the Monday
episode that we recorded before we recorded this.
And I think we were both feeling a
little out of practice.
One week off is all it takes. We
forget how all of this works. A week
and a day, actually.
And really a week of, like, a day
and a half because, you know That's true
too today. Yeah. And it really did take
a while to ease into it. I'm just
saying. Anyway Yeah. That's not we're here to
talk
about. This week, we're talking about imposter syndrome
in power exchange relationships, but also in kink
just in
general. Welcome to the loving BDSM podcast. This
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Okay. Before we get into the topic,
back from our break. Mhmm. Trying to get
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almost said we. Us.
I'm just here to remind you the the
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Thank you to us for sponsoring us. Okay.
Let's talk about
imposter syndrome.
So first off, let's define imposter syndrome. Now
do you have for yourself kind of how
you how you think of that term, of
what that means to have impostor syndrome? Yeah.
And that is?
Yeah.
You're making me bang the table too early
in this episode.
I have achieved my goal early. Oh my
god.
No. I I think the way I,
more recently or, you know, at this point,
I think the way I,
experience
imposter
syndrome is through my,
making.
Yeah. Your professional life. Mhmm. Your creative life.
Yeah. And most people, when you hear imposter
syndrome, we are thinking work related. Mhmm. And
how does impostor syndrome make you feel?
Horrible.
You're trying to make me get blood from
a turnip over here, aren't you?
Would you like me just to to tell
the nice people what imposter syndrome means?
You know, no. It it it does not
feel good because when it when it kicks
in,
excuse me,
full force,
You know, it, it it
can kinda hit it it, you know, self
doubt. Mhmm.
And, you know, at that point then you're
you're questioning.
Are there certain things you are specific things
you are thinking to yourself when you are
feeling impostor syndrome? Are there certain thoughts that
are Oh, I'm such a hack.
Do you really think that, ma'am? You are
not.
Either way, you are not. By the way,
thecakecurry.com,
where he thinks it's not hack.
Do you ever kind of have this in
in any experience you've had with impostor syndrome,
have do you ever have the
I'm a fraud, I don't belong here,
people are gonna figure out I'm actually no
good?
You know, I
there there are times I I think the
not so much that I'm a fraud, but,
you know, the more of, you know,
do I really belong here? Is it, you
know, am I am I a part of
this? You know,
am I as good as I think I
am? Or, you you know What happened? I
know I know how I feel, so this
is a leading question.
How
when you're feeling impostor syndrome, when you're in
that mode and you come across somebody who
does something similar to what you do,
What is that what does that feel like?
What are you thinking then?
Oh.
You know, there there are times I look
at and and and this is why
I I I try to stay away sometimes,
seeing what other people have have done,
You know,
there and and the thing is and I
have to understand this, you know, and and
there are several people I follow who I
believe do amazing work. And,
you know, I look at them and I
have to tell myself, you know,
they have
a huge amount of experience.
Mhmm. Okay. This you know, one of these
people that I that I know, they worked
as a,
carpenter.
You know, cabinetry. Cab cabinetry.
Is that cabinetry? Yeah. That's Yeah.
You know,
so they know
a good deal. Plus they have tools that
Right, sure. You know, I I have
Right. You're looking at your chapter 5, and
they're on chapter 20. Yes. Right? You're level
5. They're, let's do the game. You're level
5, they're level 20. So,
you admire what they do, but you understand
that they are they're just been in the
game long. And and I I you know,
and that's what I have to tell myself.
You know, they've been at this a lot
longer than I am. They have tools that
are, you know, way above
Sure. What I have and what I can
do. So, you know, that is kinda what
I have to keep
telling myself. And that makes a good point
that we'll get into as we talk about
impost syndrome and kink is that just a
reminder that comparison is the thief of joy.
Okay? Yeah. If you are or if you
are looking at yourself in terms of professionally,
your kink life, your kink role in identity,
whatever, and you're looking at somebody else and
comparing yourself,
you're probably going to feel miserable anyway. Yeah.
But, again, it's a, I've been doing this
for 5 minutes, and they've been doing this
for 5 years. There's gonna be a difference.
Now, you know and and that is my
that is on my creative side. Mhmm. In
in
the DS, in the Power Exchange,
I will tell you that early on Mhmm.
When I first,
entered the lifestyle,
oh, the imposter syndrome was strong with me
then.
And we will get into that about how
you have I don't think you deal with
it now. No. Not not in that no.
Which and I will I'll say that, yes,
creatively and professionally, I have absolutely gone through,
imposter syndrome, experienced it.
I still experience it now creatively.
Not necessarily professionally, but when I do something
creative that then I wanna, like, tell people
I'm doing and that's when it kicks in.
As a kinky person with being submissive, being
in a power exchange,
knock on wood, I have not experienced imposter
syndrome,
and I'm grateful for that. So I definitely
want us to talk about your experience with
it, but let's get through
what the hell is impostor syndrome. So What
is it? First of all, I there
if you Google impostor syndrome, it's like 10
I bet there's kajillion billion results because it
is a very
common experience. It's something that is talked about
all over the place. It is not a
diagnosable
thing, but it is a common experience. I
decided we would get the n I s
nih.what?govwebsite,
because I felt like that was official.
And I learned that, 1, imposter syndrome as
a term was coined in the seventies. I
did not know it was that old. It
feels like a 21st century
talking point,
but really yeah. The idea of it's been
around for a very long time. And it
is
defined as feelings of self doubt or inadequacy
often experienced by otherwise high achieving adults.
Let's see.
It says in 2020, there was a review
of 62
studies,
and that showed the prevalence rates,
of imposter syndrome as high as 56 to
82%
in graduate students, college students, nurses, medical students,
and other professions.
Symptoms can include psychological
stress, anxiety,
depression, burnout, exhaustion,
avoidance of high level or demanding tasks, rigid
thinking, and dismissal of positive feedback. Wow. Anybody
who's cringing at that last one, please don't
tell me there's something good about me. Mhmm.
I know. I know. Moimie, I know.
One thing I want to make sure we
talk about and sort of point out here
when we talk about impostor syndrome because while
it is true
true That
this is well, imposter syndrome is common and
can occur across any age group, gender, profession,
or racial demographic.
Individuals from,
can I say this word right? Minoritized I
would have said marginalized, but minoritized
groups
may be more likely to experience it due
to racism, social stigmas, and microaggressions.
So we can all experience it In some
no matter who we are, but there will
be a separate experience of this if you
are a part of a marginalized community.
And we can't for forget that. That's why
there will be times,
you know, somebody is experiencing imposter syndrome,
and they are very wary of the group
they're in, and it's not
because of anything overt. It is absolutely what
what people expect to happen based on past
experiences because shit does happen. Yeah. So,
basically, yeah, that feeling like you don't belong,
you're not good enough,
you can't you know, you aren't who you
say you are, even though deep deep down
you clearly believe it. Like, the nice thing
about kink is we we can change our
minds at any point. Right? We can learn
something new about ourselves and go, okay. I
thought I was submissive, but maybe I'm more
dominant. I thought I was just,
you know, into this, but actually I switch
or, actually, I do this. Right? Mhmm. But
you can know that about yourself.
You can decide that, but you can also
know deeply who you are and yet still
feel the most common way to describe imposter
syndrome is like a fraud. Like, you're faking
it. Like, somebody's gonna figure out
that you're not legit. Right? Like, you don't
belong here, that kind of feeling.
And the feeling like you don't belong within
a group, a community, in a role,
I want to make clear that sometimes that
is an internalized feeling because of imposter syndrome
and other things, and sometimes it's because
you just happen to be in a sea
of assholes. And
so you do have to kinda figure out,
wait. Am I in a shitty group of
people who are
treating me poorly, and so, of course, I
feel this way. Mhmm. Or
is this something that's maybe more within myself
that I gotta work on, gain some confidence,
and I'll move past this feeling at some
point. Yeah. So
that's I'm using that as a definition. It
is LinkedIn places. If you would like to
go read it for yourself,
feel free.
So okay.
I want to talk about 2 sides as
I see it of imposter syndrome in kink
specifically. Okay?
And that is
within the kink community, the Mhmm. You know,
your
experience in the kink community, and that can
be online and that can be in person.
It doesn't matter. It's where you are
amongst other kinky people and feeling imposter syndrome.
And then
within your relationship as a submissive, as a
dominant, as a whatever your identity and role
and preferred things are in kink, within relationships
or just how you feel internally about yourself,
even when you're not
out at the munch trying to play Marty
or at the dungeon? Because I think there's
a Venn diagram where there's some overlap of
you can experience and feel
the same things regardless, and they can even
come from the same place, but I do
think they're kind of distinct
in the way that having imposter syndrome in
a community aspect
can often be about bad tapes you've got
from past experiences,
your, you know, identity and how that's treated
by groups of people. Right.
The shitty people around you. Whereas
in your own identity, in your own relationships,
sometimes it's a shitty partner who's allowing you
and doing things that make you feel that
way. Mhmm. Always the number one check is
this imposter syndrome, or am I surrounded by
dumbasses? Right? Like, you do the self check.
Yeah. But maybe you're in a loving relationship
and that you're happy with your partner or
things are good there, but internally, you don't
feel like you are enough, that you're real,
that whatever whatever.
I feel like while there is some crossover,
those are 2 distinct
experiences
because a lot of imposter syndrome in group
settings, if we take it back to professional
and academic,
sometimes it is about
how either that current group or past experience,
how we've been treated and then how we
expect to be treated when we walk into
that space versus
this is a a thing I know about
my identity,
and I'm in this relationship, and I still
feel like a fraud.
Again, the Venn diagram of those two things
there is definite overlap. Right? But Mhmm. For
some people, those can be 2 distinct things,
so I just wanna, like,
approach them as 2 distinct things Yeah. Knowing
that there will be overlap. I don't need
the comment or the email or the message
that you it's both. I know. Okay?
So let's start with community Mhmm.
Because, I mean,
I have I have thoughts
about how
you might feel imposter syndrome within your community
beyond,
like, the microaggressions
and being part of a marginalized community that's,
you know,
just never in the majority when you're in
a room, kind of, like, there's that. But
I think there are other things that contribute
to
feeling imposter syndrome in a community setting at
a munch, at a play party,
at the dungeon, at a workshop,
online scrolling, kinky Twitter, whatever whatever. Yeah.
Do you have thoughts on that, on that
kind of imposter syndrome?
Kind of. Okay.
This is sort of gonna make me get
blood from a turnip again. Yeah.
And you know the worth that just to
see that look.
And your thoughts are?
I mean, like I said earlier,
you know, especially early on when I I
came into the into the community, into the
lifestyle Mhmm.
I was I was very excited.
You know, because I had found
a group of people
that liked the
things that I like that I thought were,
you know, kind of off the cuff at
the time.
And and that had me very excited.
Now as I
started immersing myself more
into
the community,
I think that's when,
for me, imposter syndrome started creeping in.
The people I was exposed to
at that time in the in the community
coming in, a lot of them at that
time had already been in the community Mhmm.
A long time. Mhmm.
Long time. And,
you know, they they were they they were
teaching. You
know,
you know, I I was soaking this stuff
up like a sponge
and yet I'm looking at them and like
oh my gosh.
I I I can never be what they
are.
I can never do
what they do. Mhmm. You know? And and
I kept,
that that always was niggling in the back
of my mind. Mhmm.
And and I think what eventually
helped
change that
was when I
realized
that,
hey, this this kink
stuff, it's what I make of it. Mhmm.
Okay? I don't have to do what
that person does. I don't have to, you
know,
be into what what that other person likes
and this and that, you know, and and
do it exactly the way
they do it. I
have to do it in a way that
makes me happy
and pleases my partner. And that's really what
matters as far as that goes. Was there
a specific
thing that happened or was there an amount
of time that went by when you finally
got to that point? For I you know,
it it's probably gonna be different for everybody.
Absolutely.
For me, it was just a matter of
time.
You just had to be around it enough.
Yeah. And I I think that that that
makes complete sense. I have I have been
in rooms where we're looked upon like that.
It makes me deeply uncomfortable because I'm like,
no. No. No. We are just weirdos with
a microphone and an Internet connection. Right. Right.
We overshare on the Internet. Like, that is
that is all we are. Right? Right. Right.
So I've I've been on the receiving end
of that, but I've certainly been
in community spaces where I have seen what
other people are achieving and are doing with
their experience and knowledge.
And I have had conversations with people who
say something something similar of, like, I can't
imagine getting to that point. I'm sure I'll
never will. And it
is,
first of all, it's it is a time
thing. I agree completely. Yeah. Also, it's just
kind of the more you're around
people that you're seeing as somehow,
you know, at a at a different level
of life than you are. And in some
ways, they are because of the experience.
You know, I think the more you're around
those people within your community,
the easier it is to just kind of
remember that they're also just weirdos, maybe not
on the Internet, maybe at the front of
the room. You know, they're just
people living their life. They're flawed.
They're they're not doing everything perfectly. They're
screwing up left, right, and center just like
the rest of us. They're gonna make their
own kink mistakes. They're gonna like, all of
that. And I think that a little bit
of that is is some almost exposure to
it. The the longer you are around these
people that, you know, exposure to it. The
the longer you are around these people that,
you know, you kind of maybe put up
on a bit of a pedestal
or you think that you are somehow removed
from them because you're at the beginning of
the day, you're at the beginning of the
day, you're at the beginning of the day.
You're at the beginning of the day. You're
at the beginning of the day. You're at
the beginning of the day. You're at the
beginning of the day. You're at the beginning
of the day. You're at the beginning
think that you are somehow removed from them
because you're at the beginning stages and they're
not,
just more interaction, the maybe some of that
can can lessen a bit. You know? Yeah.
I know for me, you know, I'm easily
not intimidated. I just very uncomfortable meeting new
people and talking to people. But when I
perceive somebody to do a thing better than
I do, to have more experience,
I I tend to be more reserved and
and I'm sort of waiting to make a
a fool of myself.
The vast majority of people and I include
ourselves in this because we have been in
in spaces where people
looked at us the way we look at
at other long term kinksters,
is to remember that
everybody that you admire
started out as someone who didn't know what
the fuck they were doing.
Started out as clueless and lost as you
are. None of us come out of the
womb, you know, handling a flogger. Like, it
just doesn't it doesn't work that way.
And if, you know, you can keep that
in mind,
again, like you said, it's a time thing.
But after a while Yeah. And of course,
as you gain your own footing as a
kinky person.
Also, quite frankly, once you start seeing these
highly venerated people, like,
be very human and flawed and imperfect,
that can sometimes help too.
You know, sometimes that happens in really bad
ways where that venerated human being was
trash.
And sometimes it's just, you know,
you watch somebody miss a swing in a
scene on with a vlogger or,
you know, you see somebody
misspeak or you're like,
how many times have y'all watched slash listen
to me lose my complete and total train
of thought? Please please don't treat me like
I am somehow better than any fucking body.
Yeah.
But, you know, I think I think there
is something to that. You have your time
that you put in and then you get
to have enough experiences with people to realize,
oh, no. They're Yeah. And and I think
it's also a
a mindset
that you you have yourself.
Alright?
Because like I said too earlier,
a good portion of that comes
comes out of the fact that,
you know,
I'm I'm not doing this
to gain approval of Right. This person. I
I'm I'm not doing it because I want
to emulate that person. I'm doing it what
works for me,
what makes me happy, what makes my partner
happy.
Okay?
And,
you know, yeah, what they're doing is pretty
cool, but, you know, what I'm doing is
pretty cool too because I I do it,
you know, for
Yeah. And I agree completely. I think it
goes back to
in community spaces. Again,
assuming that it is not the the members
of the community who are the problem. Right?
Mhmm. If it's an internal, like, feeling you
have without there being something that has occurred
that would make sense to you, it feel
that way.
You know, I think oh, shit. I just
lost my train of thought. Goddamn it. See?
It happens. It happens every fucking time. I
had I had a thought. It was right
there.
Holy shit. Where was I going with it?
Yes. Because it's the thing I I try
to remind myself of all the time. It
is a reminder that comparison is the thief
of joy. Right? Like, if you walk into
these kink spaces and you are more focused
on
what other people are doing and how they
got there and less focused on what you
are trying to achieve and what you are
trying to experience,
Sometimes
it's imposter syndrome is all there is left.
There's that feeling of, well, I'm not gonna
ever do that, achieve that, be that. So
maybe I don't belong here.
And
that is that's a mindset shift you've got
to work your way through. Now, sometimes working
your way through those mindset shifts is called
therapy.
And I highly recommend it for anybody who
has access to it.
And sometimes it's a little bit of self
talk or it's talking to friends and people
who legitimately care about you and don't give
a fuck what your skill level is. They
just want you to be a happy, healthy
human being. Right?
To be reminded that,
1, again,
everybody you're admiring or trying to emulate or
thinking you're somehow supposed to
started where you started. Right? And maybe even
worse and more awkward. Like, quite frankly,
I am so grateful I got to figure
out I was kinky in the time of
the Internet. Right? Like, I know
most of your journey started in the early
days of the Internet, but those very early
years when you were
experimenting with kinky things but did not have
access to information and community
really fucked you up. Yeah. I did. I
did that. I am. Very fortunate now. Now
the problem the other side of that coin
is we also will compare ourselves and then
be miserable. So Mhmm. It's a double edged
sword.
But, yeah, it it's a mindset shift. I
think it's a time thing.
But always, the first test is,
am I feeling like an imposter? Or Yeah.
Do these people just suck?
Sometimes you need to you just need to
remove yourself from Mhmm. From the space.
The other thing I think can
and this is true of
both just internal impostor syndrome within your power
exchange and also just out in the kink
community. One thing that comes to mind when
I think of what can contribute to it
is
the one true wayism that's out there. Because
some of us are gonna look at one
true wayism and immediately fucking reject that bullshit.
Get the fuck away from me. Hot damn.
And some
people
are going to see that and go, oh,
that is what kink is. That's what it's
supposed to be. To try to do that.
Then when they try to do that and
it doesn't fit, they don't blame the one
true way ism. They think it's something wrong
with them, that they are somehow not kinky
enough doing something wrong. Mhmm. You know, don't
know how to do this, don't belong. And
it's it's not that at all. It is
that they are trying to follow a path
that is not right for them.
Yeah. And that is again, that's part of
the the crossing over Venn diagram that's gonna
hit people regardless of the situation. Mhmm. But
if you happen to be part of a
community, especially in online spaces, I think this
is more prevalent in online spaces,
because it's so easy to hear
the opinions of total strangers that you never
fucking asked for.
Thanks, algorithm. Right?
When you're new and you're figuring
yourself out and you don't quite know what
this kink thing is and you come across
somebody who has you know, they're charismatic, and
they've they've got a lot to say, and
they seem to have a lot of followers,
and they get a lot you know, they
get all this attention. So you think, well,
they must know kind of what they're talking
about. And they tell you that kink is
this one specific thing.
It makes sense to me that some people
I'm this type of person in in other
realms. I don't know how I escaped it
in kink. Mhmm. In other parts of my
life, I would go, okay. That's how you
do it. Yeah. Then I would go try
to do it. And if it didn't fit,
of course, my first thought would be
I'm wrong, not that this way is wrong
for me. And we spend a lot of
time trying to help people see that no.
No. No. You can actually make this kink
thing anything you want it be as long
as you got communication and consent with your
partners.
Have at it.
But I think I think that absolutely contributes
to impostor syndrome. Yeah. You know, what and
and I'll I'll tell you this and and
sitting here listening to you and, you know,
I've been
kind of going off my own tangent a
little bit here too.
You know, and I and I will preface
this by saying, you know, some of what
I'm about to to
to talk about,
happened and was because of the way I
was raised. Sure.
Okay.
There was also a a point
in there early on
that
I had this this crazy notion that, you
know, all all these people that I looked
up to that I I, you know, met
when I came into the community and was
learning from.
So I'm thinking to myself,
oh my gosh. They're they're looking at me
and and they're they're thinking, you know,
I I can't do anything. I don't know
shit and I'm, you know, not
and, you know, that that sat on me
for a while.
And and then it came then I
came to a realization,
they don't care about me. People are thinking
about themselves. They they don't care. All they
really care about is that I'm doing it
safely. I I'm getting consent and I'm not,
you know, not hurting anyone. And quite frankly,
most of the time, people are in their
own fucking bubble and aren't thinking about you
at all. Right. You know, but you you
know, you you there there it was, you
know, and and it took me a while
to get out of that. Now, you know,
now I'm reporting a very few fucks to
give it, you know, at this point in
my life, but
This is not a universal
truth, but it does seem to be very
common
that some of that, for some people,
is a feeling you get when you're younger.
And as you get older and you start
to shed your fucks,
Yeah.
Because you start realizing
you're not thinking about anybody, so of course
they're not thinking about you. But I
clearly remember times in my life, in my
teens twenties, primarily, when I was very conscious
of what I thought people were thinking about
me. And it was I was in my
mid thirties before I finally got to the
realization they were not thinking of me at
all. Quite frankly, the sooner you can get
to that point in life, the better. Yeah.
Because, you know,
having no fucks to give doesn't mean you
you lack empathy anybody?
Am
I
bothering anybody anybody? Am I bothering anybody? Mhmm.
Are my choices negatively impacting
anybody around me? No. Then it doesn't fucking
matter. And, yeah, the sooner
the sooner we can get to that, quite
frankly, I think most of us are just
happier. Because there's a weight that's lifted. There's
a perceived pressure
Yeah. Oh, yeah. That lifts from you when
you just realize it doesn't fucking matter. And
I think that is another experience that's very
common in the community. Because in the community,
in person, it's more physical. You can physically
be around the people, and you have this
sense that maybe somebody they're watching you. Right?
Online, it's more about how am I presenting
myself? What am I posting? What am I
saying? Am I getting the right angle for
my picture? Blah blah blah. You know? And
that's a different kind of perception, but it's
no less real where you think and and
the Internet does make it easier to really
feel like people are
paying attention because we're asking for it. You
know, are we getting likes on that picture
we posted? Are we getting comments? Are those
comments positive or not? Mhmm.
And, you know,
I
a few years ago, it's why I sort
of stopped just posting personal stuff. Like, I
do it for loving BDSM and I do
it for the kangry. And in our discords,
where we all talk personally, but I don't
just, like, tweet anything,
exit, post it, whatever the fuck it's called.
Like, I don't really do that much because
I got to the point where
I understood
intellectually
that
people were not paying that much attention to
me, but also I didn't want to invite
that much fucking attention. Like, I didn't want
a rando from the Internet to dissect my
opinion
that I just happened to share. So I
went, you're just gonna stop fucking sharing it.
And,
no. Thank you. I'm not saying that's the
right way. I'm just saying that's that's how
I've gotten around it.
I I don't know why I find it
easier to post the things I think that
I genuinely
think as fucking loving d s and the
number goddamn one,
than I do as Kayla Lords, but there
it is.
So yeah.
All and a lot of what we've said
about community is going to apply to within
your relationship.
Like I said, there's overlap. But let's talk
about
when you feel like an imposter in your
kink role. Now whether you are
in a power exchange relationship with somebody or
you're just trying to navigate your kink life
as a sub, as a dom, as a
switch, as a whatever,
and that kind of imposter syndrome.
1, it absolutely happens. And 2,
first, always just make sure you're not
surrounded by shitty people who are making you
feel bad about yourself.
You know, if you are in a relationship
and you are walking around thinking, I'm not
I'm not a real sub. I'm not a
good sub. Double check that those aren't words
that have come from a partner's mouth.
And if you've got a partner who is
telling you that, I'm begging you to kick
that motherfucker to
the curb because no no no. No no
no. There's no such thing as, quote, real
sub, real dom. No. Real switch. Like, what
the fuck does really mean? That's one true
wayism thinking. Right? Like, there that there's a
specific way to That's fitting everybody into a
mold. Right. And that is absolutely gonna make
you feel like an impostor.
Mhmm. Now I like I said before, I
am very grateful. I've never really experienced that
feeling in the broad sense as a submissive
that I'm a bat I'm not I'm not
really submissive. I'm not really
I have had moments where I have thought
that maybe I wasn't as good of a
submissive
as I could be, but that was more
my perfectionism,
which absolutely can lead to impostor syndrome. If
you're a perfectionist and you think there's you're
supposed to do things exactly
specifically perfect and no mistakes and whatever,
yes, that can lead to imposter syndrome. But
for me, that's been a very fleeting thing.
That's a very much a,
I know what we used to do, and
I know that we're not doing those things
anymore. And,
you know, I'll have a momentary,
am I less submissive because of that? No.
I think it's really because we we talk
about this every single week. We we force
ourselves to, like, live in this headspace to
analyze
every aspect of our power exchange. I can
very quickly turn that thought into, no. I
know what the hell life has done to
us, and this is what we're capable of.
And do I feel my submissive self at
least
every so often?
Yes. Can I point to things that I
go, that is what I do as a
submissive, and I'm proud to do that? As
a submissive, okay. You know, there's my proof.
I have that luxury because of what we
do. I think if you are a person
who gets stuck in that kind of sick
that kind of thinking and you can't get
out of that thought pattern,
you know, it's gonna be a little bit
harder. But, I mean, you could just start
a podcast and speak on Power Exchange every
week for an hour or more, and you
too
will probably get through some of those
thought processes a little faster.
Mhmm. Yeah. If you'd like to to go
that route.
I I do think
that
minus it being a shitty partner, if you
were experiencing imposter syndrome
within your identity and role just in your
relationship or, like, just by your damn self.
If you're
moving through life going, I'm not really submissive
because I'm not really dominant
because I'm gonna blame most of that. Most
of that is gonna be on comparison.
Yeah. Like, you don't have to interact with
a a kink community to compare yourself to
others. No. It it you know,
comparing yourself to others is a a sure
way to,
you know Be miserable? Yeah. Yeah.
You know,
I've gotten to the point that,
you know,
when I see when I see
things
anymore, it's like, you know,
oh my gosh. They are so much better
than than than me. They you know?
Now it's like I I look at it
as as a learning opportunity.
Mhmm. You know? Can I can I learn
from this? Can I learn to do what
they're what they're doing? Do I have that
capability? And it's like, if I do, I
do. If I don't
Right. It's okay. It's not, you know,
it's not meant for me. I can't be
good at everything.
Right. Man, that that's a hard lesson to
have to learn when you want to do
lots of things Yeah. That you can't be
good at all the things. Exactly. I tend
to follow the dopamine.
So
if it really excites me and interests me,
it's got my attention.
Yeah. And I'm gonna go through, like, a
real quick, like,
mental process of could I conceivably
do that? And do I want to?
Yeah.
But I think that I think that's really
where I've been able to thankfully, I am
very fortunate,
skip imposter syndrome as a submissive because I'm
not trying to be like any other submissive
out there. I'm not I don't
I see what other people do,
and I go, that's really cool for them.
And then You don't leave the house. You're
never around any other submission. I see people
online.
No. I'm
I'm very much an online I know. Person.
I know.
You know, I
I I know that part of it is
I have
the luxury to be very
very comfortable as your submissive.
Mhmm. You know, I know that who I
am and the way I behave,
99% of the time, is ex it makes
you happy and you're happy with it and
I'm happy with it and we just get
to kinda be ourselves.
And when
our power exchange
decreases,
when our fuckery
decreases,
I
do not
blame myself for that. That's I don't see
that as a a shortcoming of my own.
Right? Mhmm.
Again, I think it's because we spend an
hour plus every week talking about it. Right?
Like, we just when it's top of mind
like that, it's it's different.
But I know that there are absolutely
people who
want to be
a certain you know, to do, let's say,
submission in a specific kind of way, and
they can't either because
they don't have a partner who wants that
Yeah. That Yeah.
Or they have,
you
know, physical disabilities, chronic illnesses, mental illnesses, something
that prevents them from doing the thing they
wanna do. Like, it you can want it
all day long, but if the body and
mind won't let you, it just won't let
you. Right? Yeah.
And I am not
smart enough to tell anybody how to just
get over that. I think Yeah. I've I'm
I'm I'm not qualified.
I would say that, one, that feeling is,
like, it's valid. It sucks that that somebody
would feel that way. I don't want anybody
to feel that way. I want I want
people to kind
of feel
like what they are able to do is
enough,
but I also
respect the fact that somebody would feel that
way. That you wanna do more than you
are physically capable of.
And
for whatever reason,
from whatever has gone on in your life
and your world prior Mhmm.
You are internalizing
that as some some kind of shortcoming that
you are somehow not quote really
whatever your kink identity is.
Now,
Master Rothbart
brought up something interesting
that, mental health
can impact Well, absolutely. It was in the
definition. I mean, both the effects of imposter
syndrome will fuck up your mental health Yeah.
And you will have very real repercussions of
it, but also absolutely anxiety
alone just as one mental illness. One of
the things that and and and that struck
with me be because I it made me
think about, you know, when I was at
my my lowest
with depression. Yep.
And and that just fucks with everything. Absolutely.
You know?
And,
you know, I'm I'm glad I went through
the therapy, and I did the things I
I did and am doing Mhmm. You know,
to to to work on that,
and and now there are times
when when certain things
kick on in my brain,
I ask myself, okay, where is this coming
from? What That's such a good tool to
have. Yeah. Is what is causing it? Is
this my depression? Mhmm. You know, is is
my depression
rearing its ugly head and and bringing these
thoughts in? Am I comparing myself to somebody?
You know? And and I and I have
to ask those questions in my head, and
and that helps me get through it at
this point now. And that's
if there's any advice to give somebody,
that is it. Those are the questions to
ask yourself. Do I feel this way because
there's a shitty human being sitting across from
me making me feel, like telling me things
about myself that make me feel this way?
Okay, no, we can rule that out. I
got a great partner, That's not it. Am
I comparing myself? Who am I around online
or in person? What resources am I consuming?
What content am I consuming?
Is that affecting me?
Is it depression? Is it anxiety?
Is it
oh, god. And I I'm not diagnosed with
anything, but I'm learning things and I'm taking
things on.
For anybody who happens
whether it's mental illness or it's neurodivergency,
if you have ever had that experience where
you are mentally berating yourself for being, quote,
lazy because you physically,
literally cannot make yourself do the thing you
need to do, that's called executive dysfunction.
And if that if you were having that
kind of self talk and you were having
those feelings and it is
impacting how you
move through your role like, as a submissive,
if executive dysfunction
fucked me up and made it so I
couldn't do
any of my tasks, I know what my
mental self talk would be because I'm I'm
constantly working to overcome it, that I am
not
lazy. I am not a bad person. I
am not a bad submissive.
But if, you know, that is another
way that that self talk can creep in
and that self doubt and that belief about
yourself can creep in when it's not
truly imposter syndrome. It's the things we tell
ourselves when another
some part of our brain's just not braining
the way we need it. Right?
And so that's another thing, you know, as
the self check. Wait. Am I in the
middle of fucking executive dysfunction? Have I like,
do I even feel capable of showering,
let alone
dominating my partner, let alone
submitting to my partner? Right? Like, what else
am I not capable of doing right now?
That's not about
my kink identity. It's about
being a human residing with this brain. Right?
Like, those are the things I think that
if we can disrupt
the circular thought patterns of,
I'm no good. I'm a fraud. I'm not
a real pick your role. I, you know,
I suck at this. And if you can
find a way to interrupt that and that
let me go back to it. If you
have access, that might mean,
you know, get thee to a therapist
so that you can learn those skills from
somebody who knows what the fuck they're doing.
Mhmm.
You know, those are that's part of the
check-in, you know? Top, am I surrounded by
assholes? No? Okay. Am I is my
assholes? No?
Okay.
Am I is my
physical illness or disability fucking with me? Is
my mental illness or disability fucking with me?
Is it neurodivergent?
Is it like, what are the thing you
know, it's
because
my
I know there's gonna be exceptions to this,
but in general,
it's almost when when something is preventing us
or slowing us down from doing the thing
we wanna be doing,
or living our best life, or being the
person we feel like we are meant to
be,
and fully expressing that in the way we
want. And, you know, kink absolutely falls within
this because there are many ways I would
love to submit that I just fucking can't.
Right?
Typically,
it's never just one singular thing
that is the reason
for it. Right? Mhmm. And when talking about
impostor syndrome,
it's not because you're a fraud. It's not
because you're not, quote, a real whatever.
It is actually probably
about 80,000,000 things going on. Where are your
finances at? Are you worried about money? That'll
fuck you up. Oh, yeah. How's your health?
Like we just talked about. That'll fuck you
up. Yep.
Are you parenting or caregiving
on either side of the generations?
Older or younger?
That'll fuck you up. Do you hate your
goddamn boss? And
you got all these other like, it it's
all intertwined. And then you go into, okay.
Well, who am I surrounding myself with? What
what content am I consuming?
What are the voices the outside voices that
get to be in my head because I
take that information in? Yeah. And it's
almost never
that I am bad at this. It is
almost always
there, I am holding myself to a standard
that I would never hold anybody else to.
Mhmm. And as a human being with Yeah.
Just 2024
being what it is, I might not be
able to do it at this time. And
that and that's something that,
you know, is is very true, what you
just said. You know, we can be our
own worst critics.
Mhmm. Okay?
And and, you know, that that's yeah. We
we can do sometimes we can do a
better job of beating yourself down than anybody
else can. Oh, absolutely.
Absolutely.
And, again, that's a hard thing to disrupt.
You know?
I, in the moment, can almost never disrupt
my mean girl
voice. It's usually
it might be a few
minutes later. It might be a day later.
It might be
however long later that I go, oh god.
That was that was a bitch to myself.
That I know that's not true. Now what
over time, and this is one of those
inch by inch things,
if you can have the realization
that the things you were thinking were not
actually true and you were just maybe
mean girling yourself, right,
If at any point after that occurs, you
can have the realization that, wait, that none
of that's true. I know that's not true.
This is this is what happened. Right?
If you can do it once, you can
usually do it again. And over time, and
then sometimes we're talking years, y'all,
you'll you can get there a little bit
quicker. You can realize what's happening a little
bit quicker.
It's a skill like anything else. Again, you
you might need a therapist to help you
through that. You might need medication to, like,
help the brain chemistry. You might need outside
help.
It's not necessarily a thing you could just
do for yourself. But if you can get
to that point slowly over time, you can
come to those realizations a little bit faster.
Not every time when my anxiety
is through the damn roof and I'm having
brain days and I just can't even think
straight,
no. I'm not I'm not clear headed enough
to realize that I'm being mean to myself.
I have to come out of whatever that
is, whatever is causing that for however long
it runs its course, and then I can
look back and go, ah, I know what
that is. I know I know what was
going on there.
But, you know, that is all part and
parcel
of it. I think some people, not hopefully,
not a lot, certainly not all, but some
people
are gonna go, I feel like I'm an
imposter, imposter, and do the self check and
realize that they have shitty people around them.
And you know what? A lot of your
problems will be improved by getting rid of
those shitty people.
After that though, it is
unlearning
the ways we've thought about ourselves. Those damn
bad tapes. We've talked about ourselves, you know,
dealing with, in whatever way that means for
you, the things that have happened to you,
coping with finding the right community. And I
don't necessarily mean the right munch. Yes. That
can be it. Mhmm. But sometimes it's
who are the people I wanna call friends?
Who are the people that I want to
follow? Who are the people
that I want their voices in my head
over and above somebody else's? Right? Like, sometimes
you gotta sort of do that self
discovery.
And it means
blocking people. It means unfollowing. It means unfriending.
It me it means not going to that
group. Maybe you'll try another one at at
another point. Right? Sometimes it it means making
those kinds of shifts and then
over time, it's all an overtime thing y'all.
The voice in your head becomes a little
bit kinder because the voices outside of you
are a little bit kinder and more empathetic
and more understanding. Right?
Another for the in your head kind of
thing, especially if you're if you're telling yourself
you're a fraud and you're not, air quote,
real. What the fuck does real even mean?
You know? You're not a good submissive. You're
not a good dominant. A real
all those words. Right?
And this is another one that takes time
to, like,
with practice to remember to do.
But I sometimes like to, when I'm being
a little mean to myself, go, would I
talk to somebody I care about like this?
And sometimes that's enough of a disruption to
go, oh, shit. I this is I'm not
being very nice to myself right now. Yeah.
Again, it doesn't mean I automatically
disbelieve the mean things about me, but it
does give me a bit of a reality
check. And if you are thinking things about
yourself you would never say
to somebody that you even care for just
as a fellow human being,
you know, maybe the things you're thinking aren't
true. Maybe there's something else going on.
In the vein x, I was thinking about
this earlier, and I was like, no. I
think this is really important. If
you were trying to change your internal thoughts
about yourself by
being careful of who you follow and the
content that's coming through you, you you know,
through your phone and the algorithms and everything.
I've had people do this, They've always been
very apologetic, but I want to put it
out here because it's
I understand it. I know you understand it.
I've had people who I mean, they were
so sweet about it. They're like, I can't
listen to the podcast or watch the livestream
or
because I just went through this break breakup,
and I gotta deal with it. And
it's really hard to hear about power exchange
right now. It's really hard to see happy
couples.
My feelings are never gonna be hurt. Yeah.
Curate
the content and the information that you take
in to suit your needs right now. You
have to. You have to. You have to.
You have to. Sometimes that means you're gonna
lean into the fuckery more than the relationship.
Sometimes it means you're gonna walk away
from
a person out in the world.
And maybe you'll come across Kingstuf, but probably
not. Right? And you're just gonna take a
step back if that's what you need to
do.
When you start looking at the people you
surround yourself with, the communities you're inhabiting, the
content you're taking in, the people you follow,
the all of that,
it absolutely needs to be curated so that
you are not miserable every time you Right.
Are in that space online or in person.
Mhmm. And sometimes that means there are people
that you like that you go, I'm not
in this season of life right now.
Please take care of yourself.
Absolutely.
I will my feelings will never be hurt
if that when that happens.
Because I know that
most most, not all, most kinky people, when
it's a part of their, like, core identity,
they're coming back eventually. Maybe not to us.
Right. They're gonna find their way back eventually.
They'll have gone through what they need to
go through. They'll Yeah. They'll take care of
themselves in other ways. They'll meet a person.
They'll
whatever whatever,
and they'll find themselves back and hopefully be
in a better head space
to have a
better,
more fulfilling
kink experience, whatever that looks like for them.
But, yeah, there's so much that can contribute
to that feeling
of being and not belonging, not being good
enough, not just not being enough in general.
And in in kink identities and roles, not
being real, not being good. Heavy air quotes
there. Not being real, not being good.
And, you know,
Get rid
of the things that contribute.
To you know, as much as you can
to that that negative self talk. Mhmm.
And and and sometimes that means creating your
own kink space and and curating it where
it's specific types of people and specific types
of content and, you know, all of that.
Yep. So
and I just wanna remind you, every time
you start wondering if you were not good
enough or you're a fraud or you don't
belong, just just do that double check on
the assholes thing. Just
I cannot emphasize that.
Ask yourself where
that those thoughts are coming from. Mhmm. Exactly.
Yeah. I don't I don't have any,
like,
words of wisdom and checklists
to, like, just make it go away for
you. It's Yeah. I wish it was that
easy. It'd be nice. And quite frankly, sometimes
it's just time. You just need time like,
we were talking about at the very top.
You need time and experience with yourself in
your kink role and your kink identity
and to kinda get your own bearings and
figure out what is meaningful and important to
you.
And then a lot that can become a
lot easier. Yep.
So There you go.
I'm sure
there's
more to say. Oh, yeah. It always could
be.
I
am positive that mental health professionals who are
also kinky and happen to listen to slash
watch this would probably have, like,
much more, like, concrete,
here's what you can do. And if you
have that information, please feel free to share.
Happy to take that information in.
One day regurgitate it.
But, yeah, that
that is all I can think to say
about that. Pretty much same. Yeah.
Just, you know, if you're feeling that way,
you're not alone. No. And you're not doing
kink wrong if you feel that way. But
you have more options than you realize. Yes.
Yes. Indeed.
Okay.
So, are we good? I don't know, but
we will do it. But I'm gonna say
Yes. We will. Mhmm. Ready?
Sure. Keep it kinky off. And we'll see
you next week. No, really. For real, we're
back.
Daddy.
Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to the
crickets?
Yes. And can I please, please point out
that so while we're doing the live stream,
we're looking at YouTube, we get a dashboard?
And there's always a little bit of a
delay, so it's never exactly accurate at the
exact time. Yeah. But the current count it's
giving is 69. Woo hoo. Right? And I'm
just like, well, okay.
Thank you, YouTube. Right? They
I don't wanna encourage
or discourage, you know, folks to to leave
or to not join Yeah. Just to screw
that number up. But I am enjoying the
number 69 as I'm saying it. It's it's,
it's
delightful. It's delightful.
So, yeah. A bonus section. Mhmm. We're back.
Yeah.
I really think that if we had felt
like we could've, we couldn't. But if we
felt like we could've, we would probably still
be on a break.
Yeah.
But
I think we also
had some really good
and it's not the work
that's burning us out. It's other stuff Right.
That makes the work very necessary.
And so we're working on other things Right.
To
to not feel quite so
drained.
One of the one of the things that
that we did this
this break and,
especially myself,
did nothing
really and honestly did nothing.
I did not do anything work related
the entire week.
You know, obviously, doing dishes and, you know,
eating Right. You know, things like that. You
know, cooking, we we did that. But, you
know,
initially,
when talking about the break, I was like,
oh, well, you know, I can do some
of the ketchup on some of the things
around the house that need
attending to,
and, you know what you know what I
did?
Nothing. Nothing. I I was like, you know
what, it will it will all be there
later. Nothing is is critical. It's not gonna
cause the house to come crashing down my
heads.
And,
yeah. Yeah. I
sat on the sofa.
By Friday, you started doing for you, like,
beneficial things for yourself personally, like Yeah. Shaved
his beard. Right? Like, the little things like
that that are important. Trim my beard. Sorry.
Trim. No. Did not shave. That that would
be immediate banishment to the shed until it
grew back. I'm so sorry. You're gonna have
to wear a mask now until that thing
grows back. Something. Anyway,
she said submissively.
But I it took me a while to,
like, lean into the just sit still for
a little bit. Like, not that I was
doing a lot, but mostly I was feeling
bad bad about not doing a lot until
I wasn't feeling bad about that anymore. Mhmm.
So that by Friday, when he starts, like,
puttering around the house and, like, you know,
taking care of his own personal grooming, I'm
like, what the hell are you doing? That's
too much movement.
Yeah. I feel like I was personally offended.
Over the break, did not even do yard
work.
You
you start like, right before we went on
break, you did yard work. Yeah. Yeah? Mhmm.
And then yeah. You we didn't do yard
work, and then we had a hurricane.
We didn't really. We got some out of
hand stuff. We were fine.
And that was what? As we knew the
hurricane was coming, we were prepping for it.
I don't know. But he looked over at
me and went, oh, by the way, we're
not doing yard work this weekend. I went,
okay. Good. Because
I wasn't really feeling it. I but, see,
it's one of those things. So sometimes there
are weeks we'll take breaks, and by the
end of that break, I have ideas. I
am chomping at the bit. I'm like, let's
sit down. Let's get some work done.
This was not one of those times. Yeah.
No. No. This is not one of those
times. So,
thanks to a hurricane,
we took Monday off. Now we work from
home, never lost power. No. Never lost Internet.
Nope. Absolutely could have done things. Went Yeah.
Oh, it's a hurricane day. Mhmm.
Yep.
Can't work now.
And then Tuesday for you was cleanup day,
which did need to happen. Yeah. And I
eased into work. And then today, I got
a lot done.
But you had a doctor's appointment at 8
AM.
Right. Yeah.
You've been easing into this week, and I
think that's good. I want you to do
that where you can. Mhmm. Am I envious
that I can't do it more often? Of
course, I am.
But, yeah, you had a you had a
impromptu doctor's appointment.
We
Yeah. We did the online messaging with the
doctor's office of here are preferred days, here
are preferred times. That
that was
Monday evening. Mhmm. And by Tuesday, they're calling
you going, we can get you in at
8 AM tomorrow. Right. I was like, damn.
Yep.
And so we went. Yep. There we were.
Because somebody
has a noodly back, and he just needs,
like,
a steel spine
to keep him upright at this point. Something.
Something. Nexoskeleton,
whether Something. Iron Man suit.
There you go.
So So we don't have any we don't
have any news or information, but it's not
as lower back like it had been. It
is now we're in the thoracic. We've moved
up. Yeah. We've been up in the world.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
But I didn't realize it because I so
we
we don't do things like, air quote, normal
people would do. I don't know what air
quote normal even means, but you know. And
here's how I know that.
I had forgotten about this. I'd forgotten the
dates. I hadn't forgotten the instance. So we're
you're at the doctor today, and you're explaining
your
back history for that part of your back.
Yeah. And he said, well, in 2012,
I had a epidural, cordless, whatever the shot
is that makes the pain go away. And
I was immediately reminded that, oh, yeah. I
know about that.
Yeah. Because I was You were there. Must
have been 2013 then.
Because 2012, we met in December of 2012.
That's true. So it was 20 13. Either
way, it's over 10 years ago.
Because one of the first things we did
physically together after the first time we met
and we had a week long fuckery.
Like, the very next time we saw one
another, I think, I was taking him to
the orthopedic
doctor for his
Yeah. And and bringing me date. And and
bringing me back home because I wasn't a
little surprised. For that. This No. Nope. There
wasn't. Oh, is there? There was not.
And and I know I have no memory
of thinking this is a strange thing to
do as a new couple. It wasn't. We
just it's what he needed. I could get
there. We did the thing. But when I
look back on it now, I'm like,
I don't think that's what most people do
on their second dates. Yeah. No. No.
No.
Oh, god. So yeah. You know,
Kayla's right. My back is, my entire spine
is
a hot mess. Mhmm.
Different part of it is acting up right
now, and,
yeah, I'm gonna do what I need to
do to take care of it. And then
because it's the American health care system, we
have to jump through hoops. So what he
really needs is an MRI to see what
the hell is happening because he already has
a history of back problems. But as the
doctor pointed out today, and she's right, and
I know she's right, we've experienced this. She's
like, okay, look. First, I have to tell
you to do ice and heat, and, we're
gonna suggest physical therapy. And JB points out,
hey. I've had physical therapy for this part
of my back. Mhmm. I always have to
stop because it aggravates my lower back. She
goes, okay. But what we have to do
is say that we tried. Yeah. Get it
on record that you went until you could
not go anymore,
and then insurance will let us do an
MRI on you. And I'm like, are you
Right. Fucking kidding me. Gotta jump through the
hoops. Yeah. Jump through the hoops.
Yeah. So
yeah. Yep. So, yeah, starting the, the the
the icing and the And the steroid.
And, tomorrow starts steroid pack
And,
we'll see what that does. And just take
it fucking easy because the thing we cannot
afford for him to do at this time
of the year is to not be able
to stand up. Right.
So Yeah.
Yeah.
So But thankfully, you didn't let that go
too long before you were like, hey. No.
No. No. To our release. You you know,
it's it's not
at a point that it's
painful
yet.
Yet. Yet.
It's coming.
The
the pain
on this upper part
is
as bad, if not worse,
than
the lower pain. Mhmm.
And when it started
coming on,
I was like, okay.
You know,
what's going on here at first? You know?
And then, oh, yeah.
That yeah. Yeah. I remember that. Yeah. I
remember that now. It's been a while. It's
been a hot minute. It's been over 10
years. Yeah.
And,
you know, I I started doing some things,
anti inflammatory and like, okay, that's kinda helping
Mhmm. Ease it down.
But, yeah, it's not it's not pain.
The best way I could explain it Oh,
yeah. I got used as the model to
show where all his pain and sensations were.
Right. Let me point to my wife's back
here so you could see Well, you know,
it's just kinda
Okay.
I thought I was there for moral support.
Well, that too. Now, I was the model.
Yeah. So
Anyway, you know, yeah. What the best way
I can describe it, imagine if somebody walks
up behind you
and puts their arms around you and squeezes
your chest
Tightly. Tightly, in a tight hug
that just doesn't go away. And that you
didn't consent to. Yeah.
Right. You don't want that hug. Make that
hug stop. Right. Yeah. I know it's bad
when you're warning me, you're like, I'm taking
all of my back meds tonight. Because he's
on an as needed basis with any of
his his medication from his lower back.
And so he has it, but he doesn't
usually have to take it very often. And
he's like, no. No. I I will not
be coherent. I'm taking all my meds tonight.
Yeah. Yeah. Last last night was
Yeah.
So we're just,
we're gonna play the game that we are
required to play. Yeah.
Hopefully, that doesn't cost an arm and a
leg. No. But it is what it is.
And, yeah, just fingers crossed now.
JB's going through this. JB knows what that
feeling in that part of his back means
and where this is headed.
And also cleaned up the yard from the
storm that we did get, like, the wind
knocked tree limbs down, whatever. Cleaned that all
up by himself. And
then, my aunt and uncle went out of
town for a few days. They ordered had
to order a new printer, and it's like
a almost
almost a commercial grade printer. So it's big
and it's heavy, and they were afraid it
was going to arrive while they were out
of town. So they asked if they could
send it to our house. And we're like,
of course, you can. Mhmm. That's fine. So
they send it to our house, and of
course, it arrives after they get home because
that's Mhmm. How life works sometimes.
It's a big heavy box that JB, with
the back,
brings in by himself.
Thankfully, he was like, no. No. You can
help me
take it to the car and take it
to your aunt and uncle's house. I was
like, woah. To to get it in the
house because of where they left it, I
mean, they left it right at the front
door. Mhmm. K? So I just used the
handle to lift it up over the the
stoop and then I But I still wanna
help. Didn't lift. I still wanna help. Yeah.
You helped where it was important. You helped
get it to the car and you helped
get it out of the car and into
their house. Anyway, he's done a lot of
different things.
Yeah. On his own.
It's all I'm saying.
Because somebody's a stubborn
and grumpy polar bear. That's right. Yeah. Yep.
Yeah. And if I have to break out
the tough love clause, I will. I am
not afraid of that type of thing. I
I
monitored my situation. I I told you I
need to go to the doctor. I did
not, you know.
Mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm. So, you know Are you
gonna be when it's time to mow the
lawn, are you gonna do it all by
yourself without any of my help? Lola said
she would do it for me. Lola.
Lola who
is eyes
closed shut tight, but that listening ear is
up. Mhmm.
Mhmm.
Lola's been good. Yeah. Lola's been great. The
girls the other girls, the cats are still
menaces. Oh, man. Oh my god.
Oh,
so I forget where I tell stories, and
I told this story last night. And I
thought it was to y'all. It couldn't have
been. It was to my aunt and uncle.
Okay. Yeah. So
Onyx This is hilarious. Onyx and Ella have
had,
a relationship that evolves a little bit more
every year.
1st got them across the house from one
another
the next year they could be like in
the same room.
The next year, they could be
on adjacent pieces of furniture near one another.
This year, they've gotten to a point where
they can be on the back of the
same couch together, and very slowly over time,
over this past 6 months, they've gotten physically
closer and closer to one another on the
back of this couch. Mhmm. And it's wonderful
to see because Ella is the type of
cat she definitely wants somebody she can cuddle
up with Yeah. And that she can, like,
groom. And none of these other bitches will
let her do that. They're like, get the
fuck away from me. So we are sitting
on our couch the other night, and we
see
Onyx is up on her little perch on
the other, like, the loveseat. And Ella jumps
up and gets close and Onyx doesn't blink,
doesn't get up, doesn't hiss, just sits there
calmly, like not worried at all. And we
watch Ella look like she's gonna boop her
She she was cleaning her. Well, that's what
it looked like. We and it looked like
she was cleaning her, but we started out,
she kinda, like, nudged her with her nose.
Mhmm. Onyx didn't react.
It looked from our vantage point,
like, Ella started to clean her. Clean her
butt, like, back in, not her head.
And we're like, oh my god. This is
and Onyx is allowing it. Onyx is just
sitting there coming. We're like,
oh my god. Is it happening? It's it's
happening. It's happening, people. And then we watch.
Ella clearly had an intrusive thought hit. Right.
She leaned forward
and not hard, not enough to hurt, but
bit Onyx in the ass, like, right on
that back haunch.
And even Onyx didn't know what to do.
There was no hissing. There was no fighting.
But Onyx jumped up, just total shock, Turned
around, looked at Ella. You could almost see
Ella going, I don't know what the fuck
just happened there either.
I just had an urge and I went
with it. And Onyx just like, Onyx's eyes
were huge, and her pupils were, like, almost
fully dilated. She's like, what the actual fuck
is happening here?
And then they parted ways.
And I have not seen them that physically
close together since.
But, it still feels like progress. I mean,
messy progress.
Nice progress. But, you know, I I think
I I think that
for Ella, I think
biting Is her love language. Is her love
language. Well, and cleaning your feet, not not
human feet. Dog Dog feet. She loves her,
so you're like,
corn chips smelling Frito chips smelling feet. I
I have had, on a number of occasions,
Ella will come up, and she'll get in
my lap, and she'll, you know, kinda go
down. And she'll start, like, licking me somewhere
on my hand, and she'll just, like and
and then all of a sudden, she'll just
she'll
just kind
of bite. We need to ask cat daddy
what's happening. And it's not a hard bite.
No. I'm not trying to hurt. Just, you
know, just like, trying to hurt. Just, you
know, just like, boop, I'm here Right. Kinda
thing. You know? So Yeah. But I wish
we had recorded that. Mhmm. Because that I
mean, my favorite was just Onyx's reaction because
you would have expected Onyx to turn around
and beat her fucking ass because Onyx, to
this day, still will. Oh, yeah. If Onyx
feels like Ella has come into our bedroom,
which Onyx has claimed as her space,
and she is in the on the wrong
piece of furniture, she is on the bed
when she's not supposed to be. She's too
close to Onyx in the bed. Onyx will
whoop her like she's like, get the fuck
out of here, bitch. Yeah. This that's not
what happened. I just think everybody was in
shock. I think none of us knew what
the hell to do. Yeah. But it was
hilarious. Well, I mean, it's funny with you
know, because, like, with Onyx, she,
at at night before go to bed,
got in a habit where, you know,
her and I will pet
and brush. Mhmm.
And this occurs
in the bedroom because, you know, getting ready
to bring in stuff in the bedroom, and
she she come running in there, man, full
tilt and just flies up on that bed
because she knows what's gonna happen.
And if Ella comes into the bedroom
at that
point in time while it's occurring
No. No. She will jump off of that
bed, and she will go after
Ella and run her off out of the
room because, no, you do not belong. This
is my time. This is my space, and
you are not gonna be here for it.
One of my favorite things that Onyx has
been doing for a while, like, probably the
past couple years, but she's gotten more insistent
about it, is
when you're petting her, if you stop
and she's not ready for you to stop,
she will use her paw. And she did
not in the beginning, she did not do
that. No. It was almost like when we
first adopted her and brought her home, probably
the first one to 2 years,
I don't think she quite knew how to
feel
about being petted. Like, she knew she liked
it, but I think she didn't like that
she liked it. Yeah. So if you stopped,
she was done. She was often done before
you were done. Mhmm.
Over the past, I don't know, easily the
past year, maybe a little longer, she very
much has an opinion about how much you
should be petting her. And quite frankly, the
answer is always that's not enough. Right.
And she just scoops her little paw and
moves your hand. Like, I know this is
what that's for. Or or with me sometimes,
she'll she'll tap. Oh, will she? Oh my
gosh.
And and the the funny thing is, she
never puts her claws
out doing that. No. No. She doesn't. She's
very gentle. Mhmm. She does not allow us
to clip her claws, so they're naturally kinda
sharp. So they'll get you, but it's not
an aggressive get you. It's a I just
have long nails and they just scratched you
kinda get
you. So, yeah, our girls are funny. Yeah.
Girls are funny. Kids are good.
The, 19 year old was very gracious in
us being 2 weeks late getting his birthday
present to him. He's very happy about it.
He got a mini fridge. Yep. That was
another thing JB was carrying.
You are. I'm just saying.
And, the kid
who used to be,
he'd say, hey. Can you come to town
and so I can go grocery shopping?
I go, yeah. Sure. And he would spend
30 to $40 at a time.
That was also when he was eating out
of vending machines on campus, and he was
stopping at the little
cafes on campus. He knows better. He doesn't
do that anymore. And so now his grocery
bill has doubled.
Like
and I
watch I don't say truly, I don't say
a word because it is the thing I
can contribute to this child's college education.
And he's, you know, he's not taking out
student loans. His financial aid Right. For at
least this next school year will be enough.
Oh, well, so we we buy groceries fine.
He's like, I'll take 2 of these. Yeah.
I would like name brand of that. I
need 3 of them. And then he got
and he's self aware, so he puts something
in the cart. I think it was Sprite
or something, like, actual Sprite, not generic Sprite.
And he goes, I'm gonna treat myself with
your money. I was like, well, have a
good time with that. Yeah. I know. And
then his grocery bill
now this will last him 2 to to
3 weeks, but his grocery bill is what
we pay in a week for our groceries.
I'm like,
okay. He's not spending his money on Door
Dash. It's fine. It's fine. He could pay
his own rent and his own insurance and
his
the note on his bike. It's fine. I'll
buy the groceries. Yep.
So Yep. But yeah. The everything's good. We're
just
we're doing that typical, hey. We took time
off, and we're struggling to get back. Yep.
Yeah. As many people do who take, like,
a week off of work and you're like,
oh, fuck. You mean I gotta go you
got I gotta go back.
Yeah.
So but we are back. And there will
be an episode on Monday. Yep.
And I think I know what we're gonna
do for our topic next
week, but only if it's not an accidental,
like, duplication of a couple other topics we've
talked about.
We shall see.
And does it make you go
So yeah. I think that's plenty though. Yeah.
I I am actually running out of steam
with words, I mean. I'm I'm ready to
go
put on my What was you're comfy. Done
with it. She is snoring back over there.
Like, she worked a double. Yep. Okay? And
she's exhausted. That's that's the snore. Mhmm. So
we're gonna go so we can listen to
our dog snore and, we will be back
next week. Thanks y'all for being here with
us. Mhmm. Especially to the bitter end.
Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay. Alright. Bye. Bye.