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You're listening to the loving Bd podcast. Kill

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Here were the 1. The only the I'm

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so glad you're the type of guy who

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trip checks himself. Jump browser. K. Try to.

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I know.

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I try to be a person who triple

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checks, and sometimes

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when the anxiety is writing my ass. I

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absolutely. Yeah. But when I'm just feeling this

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real good, I forget. I mean, I, I

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guess that come about of being a wood

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worker or are you measured twice

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cut once.

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1 if you're an anxious wood worker, measure

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5 times,

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start to cut stop, measure 3 more times,

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start to cut stop. Like get what point

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would... Then I'd never get anything done. Thank

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god. You're not the anxious.

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That is not at all.

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Talking about.

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This week, We're answering a question from a

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Dom who doesn't always want to make decisions.

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Oh, that hit A little close to home.

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While we read it.

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Welcome to the loving Bd podcast. If you're

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new here, we help Kinks like you have

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happy healthy power exchange relationships. The podcast to

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your favorite podcast apps, you never miss an

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episode. And if you'd like us to answer

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1 of your questions in a future 1

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of these. We have a contact page literally

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labeled app obscure questions on our website at

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loving bd m dot net that's loving bd

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s m dot net, and you can find

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link in the show notes for this episode.

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Okay. So this is another week where the

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question is shortened to the point.

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I wish we could be that way, oh,

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well.

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This question yourself.

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Question is.

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What should you do if you're a dom

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who doesn't want to take the lead all

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the time and make all the decisions.

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What say you, Dom who has literally looked

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at me and gone I I can't. I

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cannot make another decision today. Yeah.

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Decision overload. Right. Exactly. Yeah.

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You know, AAA

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number of different things come to mind, of

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course,

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obviously, you know, yeah. It does kinda hit

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close to home because, you know, there's there's

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sometimes life just

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is what it is and man it can

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be overwhelming and you're just like, enough is

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enough. I I can't. You know,

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stop the ride.

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Mh

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you know, and and the the other thing

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that that kinda jumped out and me when

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I've first heard the question when you told

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me about it.

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You know, it doesn't wanna be in charge

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all the time.

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Maybe needs to explore. May might... Have a

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little bit of a switch going on there.

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Sure. Yeah.

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The the, yeah. The question, I guess to

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ask yourself is that I don't want to

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can't or don't want to make decisions right

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now and or

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would I want somebody else to do things.

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Mh. Right. Mh.

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You know. But

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I I

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would think,

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you know, just from my own experience that

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there are

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going to be times in life when you

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feel that way.

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Alright.

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And and it happens.

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Been there done that got the t shirt

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as you said.

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You know, but I think that also has

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to come

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with,

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AAA lot of communication there. Right. I don't

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think that's something you bottle up because no.

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Your is gonna figure it out

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fairly quickly at some point place that either

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you're not making decisions or you're delaying making

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decisions or

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the...

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I'd the

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how you are are your your attitude, your

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demeanor or around making decisions is gonna be

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different. I mean, that's just kinda how it

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is for most of us If we're doing

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something we don't really wanna be doing in

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the moment,

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you know, we put out a...

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I almost wanna say Aura, but there's sort

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of a way there's, a tone of voice.

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There's a

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facial expressions. There's body

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language that makes it can make it clear

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to some people that, oh, maybe they don't

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wanna be doing this. So if you're feeling

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that way. Yeah. You you got to talk

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to your partner for sure. Yeah. You know,

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there there had been times with,

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you know, us where had to put our

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Ds on

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hiatus

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just because there were things in life going

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on that were just too

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Right. Overwhelming. And and that's going to happen.

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That that that going to happen.

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Well, and, you know, the times we had

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to do that, I didn't stop being the

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submissive. No. You didn't. What happened us Jb

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was going through some stuff and said, look,

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I do not have it in me to

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make decisions to tell you what needs to

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be done.

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And essentially, he said, I trust you to

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know how to handle things, Just do what

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needs to be done.

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You know, I'll back you it on something.

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If you need to make decision. Mh. I'll

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let you know when I can kinda get

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back in that game. And it... That conversation

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after

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came... Was when you were still working your

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big boy job. Yeah. And you came home,

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and you... We were in the middle of

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a lot of things going on at the

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time.

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But you came home and all I asked

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was what would you like for drink with

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your dinner. And

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he turned on the time it went, I

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literally cannot make any anymore to sessions. And

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that led to the conversation,

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of, okay. I'm I'm tapped out. There's too

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much else going on. Life is

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stressful right now. But I still did the

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things that I had always said that I

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would do, you did. As the submissive. And

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so if that is an option in your

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power exchange,

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keep that going. You know? Mh.

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Especially if you can empower your submissive. There's

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to

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do what they know needs to be done,

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that can give you the break that you

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need. The other thing that we do

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Jb does not manage every moment of every

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day around here. Like, that doesn't work for

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either of our personalities. Right. And while that

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does work for some power exchange folks and

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that's great for them. There are plenty of

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us who are like, no. I just tell

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me what I need to do, and I'm

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gonna get on with doing it. So for

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us, we

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negotiated our power exchange for me to understand

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there are certain tasks that I do daily

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and or as needed. Jb doesn't remind me

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of them, Jb does not follow up with

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me.

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When things... When life is like, okay. Mh.

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He'll follow up if he sees it's... Not

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done. But if he were in

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a moment in time where he could not

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do that. His mental health just would not

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allow it,

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it... It's my responsibility to get it done

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or not.

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But I I like knowing what I need

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to do and then kind of be being

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left alone to do it.

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Another thing that we do, Jb does not

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have to think of everything that needs a

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decision made around here. A lot of the

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time it's me realizing a decision needs to

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be made and I go to the decide.

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Mh.

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That may be

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an ulta... Alternative way of approaching dominance that

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is a...

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It can get overwhelming on a moment in

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time when there are a lot of decisions.

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But on, like, our average day,

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I'm coming to you for, like, 2 things.

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Like, here, where could do this or we

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could do that. Which do you want. Right?

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And the the bird the mental load I

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take off of Jb is. I've done the

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research.

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I know that he will either likely be

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okay with either choice or he knows He

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doesn't have to go searching around for more

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options. This is it. I'm gonna give you.

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Right? The Cliff notes version. Oh god that

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shows how old. I'm the spark notes version

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of each 1.

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Tell me tell me pick you're leading. Right?

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You need me money more. Right.

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And when things are going

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okay, that's an easy ask. Anything that is

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gonna require

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more

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time and focus and attention or there's gonna

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be a lot more decisions to be made

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We're gonna set a time to plan that.

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Yeah. Business decisions are like that.

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When we wanna drastically

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shift something in our personal life. Mh. That

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requires different changes, we will set time as

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aside where we know we're gonna give that

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mental energy to that, and it doesn't have

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to be part of the daily

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give and take as Dom sub,

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So... Yeah. I and I do agree with

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you from the very beginning. Like, go go

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do some inner work and then some outward

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investigation. On may... Maybe you've got some submissive

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energy there that you need to, you know,

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explore or to really some bottom energy something.

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Right? Like, yeah. Maybe there's... You got you

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you wanna you wanna go the other way

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for a while. And there's nothing wrong with

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that Mh. But also,

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is it that

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you have been led to believe

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through whatever,

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that the dom has to always be on,

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always be making decisions,

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always tell us sub what they should be

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doing all the time. Again, some people love

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that. They thrive under.

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Some people, we are those people.

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No. That will not work for our life.

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And that's okay to adjust your part. Change

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that way. I mean, we consider ourselves 24

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7. Mh.

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And yet, I do not,

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my manager. Yeah.

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Work. And and that's something that I... You

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know, we we discussed early on upfront.

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Know, to micro manage someone, that is not

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what I want, mh. In a relationship, Mh.

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You know, even a Ds,

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you know, I can, you I I know

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I can trust Kayla to give her, you

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know, her her tasks, you know, there's things

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that need to be done, and she's gonna

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do it. Mh. Mh. Yep. So it goes

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back to you gotta communicate with your partner.

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Mh. You're actively in a relationship and you're

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feeling...

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Like, you know,

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control power,

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decision making. It's overwhelming.

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It could be that you're just doing too

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much of it. It could depending, you don't

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00:10:03,490 --> 00:10:05,323
indicate in your question, How new is this?

272
00:10:05,562 --> 00:10:08,532
Did you do that very common thing? Of.

273
00:10:09,307 --> 00:10:11,399
What from 0 to 60 in about 2

274
00:10:11,399 --> 00:10:13,080
seconds. You went from. I'm not at all

275
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,000
in a Power exchange too. I'm doing all

276
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,740
of the power exchange things all at once

277
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:19,000
on day 1.

278
00:10:19,654 --> 00:10:22,615
That... That's gonna create overwhelm probably for everybody

279
00:10:22,615 --> 00:10:25,014
involved. So Right kinda step back and take

280
00:10:25,014 --> 00:10:26,554
a look at what

281
00:10:27,266 --> 00:10:28,140
is happening.

282
00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:31,875
Yeah when this feeling comes up. What's happening

283
00:10:31,875 --> 00:10:34,020
and get realistically yourself. What is happening?

284
00:10:34,991 --> 00:10:36,904
Outside of your relationship. What's happening in your

285
00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:39,294
your professional life. What's happening in your personal

286
00:10:39,294 --> 00:10:41,127
life outside the relationship Do have some family

287
00:10:41,127 --> 00:10:42,813
stuff going on? Do you have some money

288
00:10:42,813 --> 00:10:45,063
stuff going on? Do you have extra stress

289
00:10:45,279 --> 00:10:47,370
that is weighing on you? And

290
00:10:47,745 --> 00:10:50,654
mh we know from firsthand experience when Jd

291
00:10:50,715 --> 00:10:53,035
mental health is in the tank. But it

292
00:10:53,035 --> 00:10:55,455
is not good. He's not

293
00:10:55,914 --> 00:10:58,406
equipped to make decisions in the same way.

294
00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:01,348
Correct. As when he's mostly steady. Right? And

295
00:11:01,348 --> 00:11:03,256
and then there could be also a a

296
00:11:03,256 --> 00:11:05,085
thing don't, you know, you you say if

297
00:11:05,085 --> 00:11:06,913
if the person is new at being dominant?

298
00:11:09,234 --> 00:11:09,632
Excuse me.

299
00:11:12,176 --> 00:11:14,403
You know, it could be... It's somebody who

300
00:11:14,403 --> 00:11:16,868
has actually been doing this for a while.

301
00:11:17,839 --> 00:11:20,159
And, yeah, we talked about it once before,

302
00:11:21,039 --> 00:11:23,679
decision fatigue. Oh, yes. I'll try to link

303
00:11:23,679 --> 00:11:25,839
that in the places. Mh. If if that

304
00:11:25,839 --> 00:11:28,649
resonates decision fatigue Yeah. Yeah. That can that

305
00:11:28,649 --> 00:11:30,242
can be a very real thing, And it

306
00:11:30,242 --> 00:11:31,836
can lead to things like Burnout. Even if

307
00:11:31,836 --> 00:11:34,146
you're happy with your relationship, you're happy with

308
00:11:34,146 --> 00:11:36,775
your partner, but the way you've set up,

309
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,581
Your relationship is not currently serving you,

310
00:11:40,937 --> 00:11:43,569
you know? And and there's also something to

311
00:11:43,569 --> 00:11:45,324
be said for there have been periods in

312
00:11:45,324 --> 00:11:46,894
our relationship where

313
00:11:47,571 --> 00:11:50,196
I've needed to lean on Jb as my

314
00:11:50,196 --> 00:11:52,344
dom more than other times.

315
00:11:53,616 --> 00:11:55,389
That leaning more

316
00:11:56,097 --> 00:11:58,643
cannot for us at least be indefinite? That's

317
00:11:58,643 --> 00:12:01,745
too much. Yeah. So are you currently in

318
00:12:01,745 --> 00:12:04,152
a period of of life with a partner

319
00:12:04,152 --> 00:12:06,147
where they've needed you more,

320
00:12:06,706 --> 00:12:08,702
and maybe they don't really need to lean

321
00:12:08,702 --> 00:12:10,858
that hard right now, but y'all just haven't

322
00:12:10,858 --> 00:12:13,049
talked about it and done a reset. Right.

323
00:12:13,426 --> 00:12:13,926
So

324
00:12:14,781 --> 00:12:16,158
the big thing and

325
00:12:16,774 --> 00:12:18,687
did we say it at the beginning? I

326
00:12:18,687 --> 00:12:21,329
hope so, the big thing I want to,

327
00:12:21,487 --> 00:12:24,738
like, leave anybody that this resonates with is

328
00:12:24,738 --> 00:12:27,276
that it is okay to feel this way.

329
00:12:27,435 --> 00:12:28,331
This is not

330
00:12:28,799 --> 00:12:31,109
a feeling that means you're a bad dominant

331
00:12:31,109 --> 00:12:33,896
or not really a dominant or, you know,

332
00:12:34,056 --> 00:12:36,286
you've done something wrong. Not at all. You

333
00:12:36,286 --> 00:12:38,934
were not the only person M. Has a

334
00:12:38,934 --> 00:12:40,455
dominant to ever feel this way, you will

335
00:12:40,455 --> 00:12:41,735
not... You're, not the first, and you will

336
00:12:41,735 --> 00:12:42,375
not be the last.

337
00:12:43,415 --> 00:12:44,855
I do think it needs to be talked

338
00:12:44,855 --> 00:12:47,429
about more. I think that Yeah. Dom sense

339
00:12:47,429 --> 00:12:49,927
of all genders sort of have this

340
00:12:51,345 --> 00:12:54,301
expectation, both of themselves and from partners that

341
00:12:54,301 --> 00:12:56,471
you were supposed to always be wrong and

342
00:12:56,471 --> 00:12:58,780
in charge and ready to go. And I

343
00:12:58,780 --> 00:13:00,770
can Eye as a submissive can throw a

344
00:13:00,770 --> 00:13:02,283
question at you and you are ready to

345
00:13:02,283 --> 00:13:04,009
take it on whatever it is. And on

346
00:13:04,210 --> 00:13:06,610
when things are going well. Yeah. That that

347
00:13:06,610 --> 00:13:08,769
can very well be true. But dominance are

348
00:13:08,769 --> 00:13:09,169
humans,

349
00:13:09,649 --> 00:13:12,138
like everybody else, and you're gonna have times

350
00:13:12,138 --> 00:13:14,280
when things are harder. Right? For all kinds

351
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:16,104
of reasons. And, you know, this kinda goes

352
00:13:16,104 --> 00:13:18,642
along the same line too, you know, number

353
00:13:18,642 --> 00:13:21,355
of years ago. You never heard anybody talk

354
00:13:21,355 --> 00:13:22,228
about dom drop.

355
00:13:22,863 --> 00:13:25,085
No. It was like it didn't exist. Yeah.

356
00:13:25,323 --> 00:13:27,545
Which is so stupid. It... You know, everybody

357
00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:28,021
talked about,

358
00:13:28,914 --> 00:13:29,793
sub drop. Mh.

359
00:13:30,512 --> 00:13:32,829
You know, but not not much was ever

360
00:13:32,829 --> 00:13:35,786
said about dom drop. Yeah. No. For sure.

361
00:13:36,346 --> 00:13:36,846
And

362
00:13:38,354 --> 00:13:39,707
I don't know. Don't have any more words

363
00:13:39,707 --> 00:13:42,650
of wisdom beyond, Like, just think about the

364
00:13:42,650 --> 00:13:44,814
circumstances that have led up to help. Feel.

365
00:13:45,532 --> 00:13:47,927
It could be all of these things. It

366
00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:49,683
could be something that we just don't have

367
00:13:49,683 --> 00:13:50,960
enough experience to have dreamt of.

368
00:13:51,838 --> 00:13:55,674
Don't be afraid to or other desires and

369
00:13:55,674 --> 00:13:58,215
urges if the idea of switching in some

370
00:13:58,215 --> 00:13:58,453
way,

371
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:00,835
like speaks to you on a level. Yeah.

372
00:14:01,232 --> 00:14:03,309
It doesn't make you an less dominant at

373
00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:03,705
all.

374
00:14:04,974 --> 00:14:07,035
But if that does not resonate at all,

375
00:14:07,352 --> 00:14:09,017
Take a look at how you've got things

376
00:14:09,017 --> 00:14:10,788
static What's going on in your life,

377
00:14:11,587 --> 00:14:13,744
how your power changes is set up what

378
00:14:13,744 --> 00:14:15,582
is being asked of you as a dominant

379
00:14:15,582 --> 00:14:17,554
and get really honest and really clear up

380
00:14:17,674 --> 00:14:19,659
about what you feel like you can handle

381
00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:21,270
either permanently or temporarily.

382
00:14:21,882 --> 00:14:24,026
You know, we have... We've been together god,

383
00:14:24,344 --> 00:14:25,479
over 10 years

384
00:14:26,189 --> 00:14:28,826
0 be 12 years technically that we've know

385
00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:29,705
whether that's so weird.

386
00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:31,963
And I think

387
00:14:32,741 --> 00:14:34,100
in all of that time,

388
00:14:35,227 --> 00:14:36,996
twice you've made it

389
00:14:38,003 --> 00:14:40,304
plant clear that you needed to, like, you

390
00:14:40,304 --> 00:14:42,970
had to step back. Yeah. And other times

391
00:14:43,110 --> 00:14:44,490
where I just kinda

392
00:14:44,870 --> 00:14:45,990
understood what it was happening in your life,

393
00:14:46,149 --> 00:14:47,690
and I did what I could

394
00:14:48,070 --> 00:14:49,450
to ease the burden

395
00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:51,672
And then quite frankly, there have been times

396
00:14:51,672 --> 00:14:53,740
that between the 2 of us, we're doing

397
00:14:53,740 --> 00:14:56,149
our absolute bare minimum that we

398
00:14:57,019 --> 00:14:58,779
or, like, okay. This helps us still feel

399
00:14:58,779 --> 00:15:00,620
like Dom up, and it is it's a

400
00:15:00,620 --> 00:15:01,600
it's a bottom

401
00:15:02,220 --> 00:15:04,539
floor bear level, bare minimum.

402
00:15:05,580 --> 00:15:07,193
And we don't love it. We don't wanna

403
00:15:07,193 --> 00:15:09,990
be there long term, but sometimes that's... That's

404
00:15:09,990 --> 00:15:11,987
just how it is and it is. Mh.

405
00:15:12,227 --> 00:15:14,878
Mh. So... Yeah. You're definitely not. Alone, and

406
00:15:14,878 --> 00:15:16,871
you're not somehow a bad dom or not

407
00:15:16,871 --> 00:15:19,445
really a dumb. Mh. Just go explore

408
00:15:20,141 --> 00:15:21,976
what's bringing up these feelings and see if

409
00:15:21,976 --> 00:15:23,730
there's something you can modify in your life.

410
00:15:24,144 --> 00:15:25,022
There you go. Mh.

411
00:15:25,661 --> 00:15:27,177
Thanks for listening to this week's q and

412
00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:28,614
a episode. If you want us to answer

413
00:15:28,614 --> 00:15:30,450
1 of your questions, just use the contact

414
00:15:30,450 --> 00:15:32,445
page on our website at loving dot net.

415
00:15:32,859 --> 00:15:34,055
Or you can find the link in the

416
00:15:34,055 --> 00:15:35,888
show notes. Big thanks as always to our

417
00:15:35,888 --> 00:15:38,121
kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to

418
00:15:38,121 --> 00:15:39,955
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00:15:39,955 --> 00:15:42,362
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420
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00:15:51,639 --> 00:15:54,519
that's patreon dot com slash kayla lords or

426
00:15:54,519 --> 00:15:55,559
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427
00:15:57,639 --> 00:15:57,695
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