You're listening to the loving Bd podcast. Kill
Here were the 1. The only the I'm
so glad you're the type of guy who
trip checks himself. Jump browser. K. Try to.
I know.
I try to be a person who triple
checks, and sometimes
when the anxiety is writing my ass. I
absolutely. Yeah. But when I'm just feeling this
real good, I forget. I mean, I, I
guess that come about of being a wood
worker or are you measured twice
cut once.
1 if you're an anxious wood worker, measure
5 times,
start to cut stop, measure 3 more times,
start to cut stop. Like get what point
would... Then I'd never get anything done. Thank
god. You're not the anxious.
That is not at all.
Talking about.
This week, We're answering a question from a
Dom who doesn't always want to make decisions.
Oh, that hit A little close to home.
While we read it.
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Okay. So this is another week where the
question is shortened to the point.
I wish we could be that way, oh,
well.
This question yourself.
Question is.
What should you do if you're a dom
who doesn't want to take the lead all
the time and make all the decisions.
What say you, Dom who has literally looked
at me and gone I I can't. I
cannot make another decision today. Yeah.
Decision overload. Right. Exactly. Yeah.
You know, AAA
number of different things come to mind, of
course,
obviously, you know, yeah. It does kinda hit
close to home because, you know, there's there's
sometimes life just
is what it is and man it can
be overwhelming and you're just like, enough is
enough. I I can't. You know,
stop the ride.
Mh
you know, and and the the other thing
that that kinda jumped out and me when
I've first heard the question when you told
me about it.
You know, it doesn't wanna be in charge
all the time.
Maybe needs to explore. May might... Have a
little bit of a switch going on there.
Sure. Yeah.
The the, yeah. The question, I guess to
ask yourself is that I don't want to
can't or don't want to make decisions right
now and or
would I want somebody else to do things.
Mh. Right. Mh.
You know. But
I I
would think,
you know, just from my own experience that
there are
going to be times in life when you
feel that way.
Alright.
And and it happens.
Been there done that got the t shirt
as you said.
You know, but I think that also has
to come
with,
AAA lot of communication there. Right. I don't
think that's something you bottle up because no.
Your is gonna figure it out
fairly quickly at some point place that either
you're not making decisions or you're delaying making
decisions or
the...
I'd the
how you are are your your attitude, your
demeanor or around making decisions is gonna be
different. I mean, that's just kinda how it
is for most of us If we're doing
something we don't really wanna be doing in
the moment,
you know, we put out a...
I almost wanna say Aura, but there's sort
of a way there's, a tone of voice.
There's a
facial expressions. There's body
language that makes it can make it clear
to some people that, oh, maybe they don't
wanna be doing this. So if you're feeling
that way. Yeah. You you got to talk
to your partner for sure. Yeah. You know,
there there had been times with,
you know, us where had to put our
Ds on
hiatus
just because there were things in life going
on that were just too
Right. Overwhelming. And and that's going to happen.
That that that going to happen.
Well, and, you know, the times we had
to do that, I didn't stop being the
submissive. No. You didn't. What happened us Jb
was going through some stuff and said, look,
I do not have it in me to
make decisions to tell you what needs to
be done.
And essentially, he said, I trust you to
know how to handle things, Just do what
needs to be done.
You know, I'll back you it on something.
If you need to make decision. Mh. I'll
let you know when I can kinda get
back in that game. And it... That conversation
after
came... Was when you were still working your
big boy job. Yeah. And you came home,
and you... We were in the middle of
a lot of things going on at the
time.
But you came home and all I asked
was what would you like for drink with
your dinner. And
he turned on the time it went, I
literally cannot make any anymore to sessions. And
that led to the conversation,
of, okay. I'm I'm tapped out. There's too
much else going on. Life is
stressful right now. But I still did the
things that I had always said that I
would do, you did. As the submissive. And
so if that is an option in your
power exchange,
keep that going. You know? Mh.
Especially if you can empower your submissive. There's
to
do what they know needs to be done,
that can give you the break that you
need. The other thing that we do
Jb does not manage every moment of every
day around here. Like, that doesn't work for
either of our personalities. Right. And while that
does work for some power exchange folks and
that's great for them. There are plenty of
us who are like, no. I just tell
me what I need to do, and I'm
gonna get on with doing it. So for
us, we
negotiated our power exchange for me to understand
there are certain tasks that I do daily
and or as needed. Jb doesn't remind me
of them, Jb does not follow up with
me.
When things... When life is like, okay. Mh.
He'll follow up if he sees it's... Not
done. But if he were in
a moment in time where he could not
do that. His mental health just would not
allow it,
it... It's my responsibility to get it done
or not.
But I I like knowing what I need
to do and then kind of be being
left alone to do it.
Another thing that we do, Jb does not
have to think of everything that needs a
decision made around here. A lot of the
time it's me realizing a decision needs to
be made and I go to the decide.
Mh.
That may be
an ulta... Alternative way of approaching dominance that
is a...
It can get overwhelming on a moment in
time when there are a lot of decisions.
But on, like, our average day,
I'm coming to you for, like, 2 things.
Like, here, where could do this or we
could do that. Which do you want. Right?
And the the bird the mental load I
take off of Jb is. I've done the
research.
I know that he will either likely be
okay with either choice or he knows He
doesn't have to go searching around for more
options. This is it. I'm gonna give you.
Right? The Cliff notes version. Oh god that
shows how old. I'm the spark notes version
of each 1.
Tell me tell me pick you're leading. Right?
You need me money more. Right.
And when things are going
okay, that's an easy ask. Anything that is
gonna require
more
time and focus and attention or there's gonna
be a lot more decisions to be made
We're gonna set a time to plan that.
Yeah. Business decisions are like that.
When we wanna drastically
shift something in our personal life. Mh. That
requires different changes, we will set time as
aside where we know we're gonna give that
mental energy to that, and it doesn't have
to be part of the daily
give and take as Dom sub,
So... Yeah. I and I do agree with
you from the very beginning. Like, go go
do some inner work and then some outward
investigation. On may... Maybe you've got some submissive
energy there that you need to, you know,
explore or to really some bottom energy something.
Right? Like, yeah. Maybe there's... You got you
you wanna you wanna go the other way
for a while. And there's nothing wrong with
that Mh. But also,
is it that
you have been led to believe
through whatever,
that the dom has to always be on,
always be making decisions,
always tell us sub what they should be
doing all the time. Again, some people love
that. They thrive under.
Some people, we are those people.
No. That will not work for our life.
And that's okay to adjust your part. Change
that way. I mean, we consider ourselves 24
7. Mh.
And yet, I do not,
my manager. Yeah.
Work. And and that's something that I... You
know, we we discussed early on upfront.
Know, to micro manage someone, that is not
what I want, mh. In a relationship, Mh.
You know, even a Ds,
you know, I can, you I I know
I can trust Kayla to give her, you
know, her her tasks, you know, there's things
that need to be done, and she's gonna
do it. Mh. Mh. Yep. So it goes
back to you gotta communicate with your partner.
Mh. You're actively in a relationship and you're
feeling...
Like, you know,
control power,
decision making. It's overwhelming.
It could be that you're just doing too
much of it. It could depending, you don't
indicate in your question, How new is this?
Did you do that very common thing? Of.
What from 0 to 60 in about 2
seconds. You went from. I'm not at all
in a Power exchange too. I'm doing all
of the power exchange things all at once
on day 1.
That... That's gonna create overwhelm probably for everybody
involved. So Right kinda step back and take
a look at what
is happening.
Yeah when this feeling comes up. What's happening
and get realistically yourself. What is happening?
Outside of your relationship. What's happening in your
your professional life. What's happening in your personal
life outside the relationship Do have some family
stuff going on? Do you have some money
stuff going on? Do you have extra stress
that is weighing on you? And
mh we know from firsthand experience when Jd
mental health is in the tank. But it
is not good. He's not
equipped to make decisions in the same way.
Correct. As when he's mostly steady. Right? And
and then there could be also a a
thing don't, you know, you you say if
if the person is new at being dominant?
Excuse me.
You know, it could be... It's somebody who
has actually been doing this for a while.
And, yeah, we talked about it once before,
decision fatigue. Oh, yes. I'll try to link
that in the places. Mh. If if that
resonates decision fatigue Yeah. Yeah. That can that
can be a very real thing, And it
can lead to things like Burnout. Even if
you're happy with your relationship, you're happy with
your partner, but the way you've set up,
Your relationship is not currently serving you,
you know? And and there's also something to
be said for there have been periods in
our relationship where
I've needed to lean on Jb as my
dom more than other times.
That leaning more
cannot for us at least be indefinite? That's
too much. Yeah. So are you currently in
a period of of life with a partner
where they've needed you more,
and maybe they don't really need to lean
that hard right now, but y'all just haven't
talked about it and done a reset. Right.
So
the big thing and
did we say it at the beginning? I
hope so, the big thing I want to,
like, leave anybody that this resonates with is
that it is okay to feel this way.
This is not
a feeling that means you're a bad dominant
or not really a dominant or, you know,
you've done something wrong. Not at all. You
were not the only person M. Has a
dominant to ever feel this way, you will
not... You're, not the first, and you will
not be the last.
I do think it needs to be talked
about more. I think that Yeah. Dom sense
of all genders sort of have this
expectation, both of themselves and from partners that
you were supposed to always be wrong and
in charge and ready to go. And I
can Eye as a submissive can throw a
question at you and you are ready to
take it on whatever it is. And on
when things are going well. Yeah. That that
can very well be true. But dominance are
humans,
like everybody else, and you're gonna have times
when things are harder. Right? For all kinds
of reasons. And, you know, this kinda goes
along the same line too, you know, number
of years ago. You never heard anybody talk
about dom drop.
No. It was like it didn't exist. Yeah.
Which is so stupid. It... You know, everybody
talked about,
sub drop. Mh.
You know, but not not much was ever
said about dom drop. Yeah. No. For sure.
And
I don't know. Don't have any more words
of wisdom beyond, Like, just think about the
circumstances that have led up to help. Feel.
It could be all of these things. It
could be something that we just don't have
enough experience to have dreamt of.
Don't be afraid to or other desires and
urges if the idea of switching in some
way,
like speaks to you on a level. Yeah.
It doesn't make you an less dominant at
all.
But if that does not resonate at all,
Take a look at how you've got things
static What's going on in your life,
how your power changes is set up what
is being asked of you as a dominant
and get really honest and really clear up
about what you feel like you can handle
either permanently or temporarily.
You know, we have... We've been together god,
over 10 years
0 be 12 years technically that we've know
whether that's so weird.
And I think
in all of that time,
twice you've made it
plant clear that you needed to, like, you
had to step back. Yeah. And other times
where I just kinda
understood what it was happening in your life,
and I did what I could
to ease the burden
And then quite frankly, there have been times
that between the 2 of us, we're doing
our absolute bare minimum that we
or, like, okay. This helps us still feel
like Dom up, and it is it's a
it's a bottom
floor bear level, bare minimum.
And we don't love it. We don't wanna
be there long term, but sometimes that's... That's
just how it is and it is. Mh.
Mh. So... Yeah. You're definitely not. Alone, and
you're not somehow a bad dom or not
really a dumb. Mh. Just go explore
what's bringing up these feelings and see if
there's something you can modify in your life.
There you go. Mh.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
1 of your questions, just use the contact
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