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You're listening to the loving Bd podcast. Kayla

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the lords here with the 1. The only

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the guy who confused me with your new

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hand signals. I didn't know when I was

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supposed to talk, John Browns stone. You're welcome.

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Did you do it on purpose? Or did

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you, like, lose yourself in the mail? Lost

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myself in the middle of. You're, like, what

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are numbers? What is waiting? Right. I don't

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know how this works anymore? I I lost

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my account. I lost, you know, my my

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place I... Everything.

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Just up the window.

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Well, what I did. Was decide to just

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trust that you would give me a very

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obvious signal,

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and then I could begin, and it seems

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to have worked. Zach. Yeah. There we go.

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Alright. That's not what we're talking about this

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week. No. This week, we're answering a question

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from a submissive who's had their consent violated,

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their powered. Exchange agreement violated, and no longer

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trusts or feel safe with their dumb, and

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they wanna know how to overcome that lack

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of trust. Exchange and repair

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the relationship.

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Won't be a good 10A

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short

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might be already. It might me all 1

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word.

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Welcome to the Loving Videos and podcast. If

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you're new here, we help Kinks like you

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have happy healthy power exchange relationships. Not the

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podcast your favorite podcast app, so you never

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miss an episode. And if you'd like us

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to answer your question in a future 1

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of these. You can use our contact page,

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literally labeled ask your questions. On our website

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at loving bd m dot net that's loving

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bd m dot net, or

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find the link in the show notes for

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this episode. Okay. Let's get into the question.

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It is a long 1. Mh, and it's

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it's worth knowing the whole backstory. Here. Here

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We.

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My Dom and I are going to try

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to have a 24 7 agreement again after

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a tough 24 months.

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Here I, the sub little girl was new

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to Bd m 2 years ago and came

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into contact with my daddy dump via the

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Internet. At the time, he was in a

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tri with 2 sub.

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I knowing entered conversations to be a play

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partner in some scenes. Within 3 months, their

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2 plus year tri

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had dissolved in what appeared to be a

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non ami way. I then dated the dom

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with consensual play albeit to later learn that

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he was not honest about his sexual partners

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and activities at the time. This put my

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health at risk without me knowing this information

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as I was unaware and therefore not using

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the correct protection, after a further 3 months,

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we decided together to become boyfriend girlfriend and

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to drop a Ds agreement.

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Because I was new, I received help with

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this agreement from a long time person involved

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in writing boundaries and agreements.

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My dom I spoke about this and share

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a document which we both agreed.

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The agreements were not extensively limiting according to

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the person who was helping me. I really

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believe in authenticity, but also believe in honesty,

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with the person you are with is not

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to hurt them unnecessarily with lying and deception.

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Fast forward to 18 months later,

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and to summarize to avoid a long question,

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my dom broke the 3 key areas of

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the agreements, including

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meeting a woman alone in a hotel room

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and playing with her within 2 weeks of

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our agreement.

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Subsequently, my dawn broke 2 other... Minutes. I

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did not find out about the initial agreement

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violation until 18 months after it took place.

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After 2 years, he began to take accountability

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for the actions, minutes and provided me a

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space to experience the grief associated with this.

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He subsequently dumped me via text with no

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contact after 2 months of finally giving me

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that's space because he sounded exhausting to be

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with me, and then within 3 days, took

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on a new submissive, slept with her and

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took her out for scenes.

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Since starting our relationship, I moved more than

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50 percent of my life to his city

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and took a full time job in the

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city. Do still travel back and forth to

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my original home, but I have additional personal

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and family commitments that prevent me from being

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100 percent in the same city as him.

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I do, however, spend all available time in

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his city to live the 24 7 dynamic.

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I fell for him and he had indicated

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he loved me too.

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He seemed to change after disclosing the deception,

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but I was not able to handle it

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very well despite a lot of counseling and

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even medication.

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Now that I'm on the other end of

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it, I did reach out to him again

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because we both have changed through this process.

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He seems to have truly learned why the

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4 pillars of Bd. Them are imperative. He

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feels remorse for his actions and he has

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made some major changes.

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I want to be with him and for

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things to be back to what it was

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like, essentially before I knew about the agreement

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and consent violations.

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My overall question is how to get back

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to that again. I know it's trust building,

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and I know that foundation relationship stuff. However,

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we are very out of the groove. He

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has t nation to mess up as a

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dom and I have t nation, that you

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will break our group's again, and or dump

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me when things are tough.

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I still have feelings about being replaced so

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quickly. I also have some major body issues.

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And as a result of the 2 years

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too long to go over here, and that

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is making our scenes hard. I feel so

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ugly inside and out and that I will

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never be enough for him. I find myself

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unable to fully give my heart and my

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mind to him. I'm struggling with believing in

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him again. He used to be so big

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to me and like he could do know

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wrong. I understand that part of that is

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my inexperienced, but even in my vanilla relationships,

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I believe in sharing your innermost part with

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your partner.

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Do you think that some things are just

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too hard to come back from Bd?

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I would like any advice you can give,

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including steps slash actions with I can take

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as a sub to help make this better.

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Before I saw your face as I was

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reading before we get it and I'm gonna

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definitely let you have your say,

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I am so tired of the wrong partner

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coming in with the question going, How do

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I make this guys fuck up better. Exactly.

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Go ahead So we you you you know

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what?

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You... There... There's nothing you can do.

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There... There's nothing you can do.

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I'm gonna say it 1 more time. There's

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nothing you can do.

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It's on him.

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Completely 1... Slightly, 100 percent on him. To

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prove his trust.

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Okay?

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Nothing that you can do or say or

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make this any better. It's all on him.

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Total honesty after hearing this, and and and

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Kayla read me a little bit of this,

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the other day,

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But, yeah. As she said part of my

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face because she did not read me the

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whole thing. I believe something for camera right

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podcast.

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So

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what... What's the thing the the the the

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the long and short of it? Yeah. Yeah

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Okay. Sure. Okay.

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The long... The short of it is is

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there's nothing you can do. The onus is

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completely and totally on him to prove himself.

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The other thing I would say after hearing

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all the things that this person did after

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2 years

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in in a 2 year process.

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Run. Go

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run. Do not walk. Mh.

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K.

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Not a good not Not good. Not good

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at all No. And I agree completely with

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what you're you're saying. When it comes to

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trust has been broken by a part. Partner,

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and we're trying to salvage things. The person

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who has to do the work as the

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person who broke the trust. Right. They have

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to prove to you over partner however long

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it takes you that they are trustworthy again.

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That being said,

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why? That's the question I have for this

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in anybody, finds himself in a situation like

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this.

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Why do you want this ragged person back

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so bad. Mh. Okay Nothing you've described in

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the bad action some like a responsible

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ethical caring

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relatively healthy dom. And quite frankly,

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the fact that you went 18 months months

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before finding something out over the course of

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2 years. And then a little bit later

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after things said, you know,

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you'd found out, and then there's the will

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I got broken up with over text because

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I was exhausting this person has done

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almost everything in whatever sick twisted book they

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got out there, like, down the checklist of

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how can I make my partner feel small

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and worthless? Yeah. And

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I

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want for you and for

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everybody out there to be with a partner

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who fucking

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Deserves you. Yeah. Okay? The keywords words here.

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There are so many things, but the key

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ones of I wanna know why you went

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back is

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I still have feelings about being replaced so

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quickly. I have major body issues and I

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feel ugly ins... As a result of the

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2 years. Right. That yeah. Some of that,

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yeah, having our our body issues and how

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we feel about ourselves is is on us,

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but also,

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you feel this way because this person made

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you feel this way. Right. They did this

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things that, like, ate away at your self

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esteem and your sense of self worth. They

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don't deserve you. I don't care how they

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say they have learned. I don't care how

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they say they are better and they're gut

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They better be trap anxious about this. Right.

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Because they've already proven the they know how

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to fuck up left right and setting. Mh.

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And and you you you have every right

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to be trip issues about it too.

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I've absolutely. Absolutely. Oh, I'm hot and sweaty.

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And here's the thing.

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I usually when we get something, maybe not

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quite like this, but we get somebody who's

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like, hey, we've had it rough for trying

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to work it out. I'm gonna come and

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go okay. You know, talk about these things.

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You're gonna have the hard conversation. You know,

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start small. No. No.

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You know thing is on him and he

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doesn't deserve the chance. The only the only

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only thing, I would say.

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Maybe.

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Maybe.

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Couples counseling.

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Maybe.

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Maybe. And still,

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it is very easy for this especially these

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days when when

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therapy

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speak, and the language of therapy and the

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the ideas of therapy are much more accessible

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to people think, to social media. Is very

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easy for a manipulative person to use the

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language of therapy to say the right things.

270
00:10:02,571 --> 00:10:04,257
The and, I mean, I know I got

271
00:10:04,257 --> 00:10:06,009
trust issues, but this is not a person

272
00:10:06,009 --> 00:10:08,580
who would get my trust. I might personally

273
00:10:09,513 --> 00:10:11,026
forgive later. I might...

274
00:10:11,598 --> 00:10:14,642
Certainly would hope I moved on. I might

275
00:10:14,699 --> 00:10:16,368
1 day in the future, be able to

276
00:10:16,368 --> 00:10:18,355
be in the same room with that person,

277
00:10:18,912 --> 00:10:19,284
but

278
00:10:20,201 --> 00:10:22,511
What have they done to prove that they

279
00:10:22,511 --> 00:10:23,568
deserve something as

280
00:10:24,343 --> 00:10:27,450
important and meaningful and vulnerable and intimate as

281
00:10:27,450 --> 00:10:30,406
your submission? Yeah. Your submission is worth more

282
00:10:30,406 --> 00:10:32,786
than that. Right every time. 1 1 of

283
00:10:32,786 --> 00:10:34,056
1 of the 1 of the keys that

284
00:10:34,056 --> 00:10:36,437
you you need to to think about here.

285
00:10:37,884 --> 00:10:40,605
Is is in what you wrote us. I

286
00:10:40,605 --> 00:10:43,964
find myself unable to fully give my heart

287
00:10:43,964 --> 00:10:46,625
and my mind. If if you

288
00:10:47,019 --> 00:10:49,256
are feeling that you cannot give that to

289
00:10:49,256 --> 00:10:51,973
this person. There's a reason for it inside

290
00:10:51,973 --> 00:10:55,030
that you sub comp maybe subconsciously know

291
00:10:55,583 --> 00:10:58,371
Okay. What is really going on here? Let's

292
00:10:58,371 --> 00:10:59,725
give it to you another way if you're

293
00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:01,318
still like, I wish they just stop yelling

294
00:11:01,318 --> 00:11:03,165
at me and answer Mike 1 western. Okay.

295
00:11:03,801 --> 00:11:04,620
If you're

296
00:11:05,075 --> 00:11:07,701
friend, if fuck an acquaintance. If a person

297
00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:10,584
you barely like told you every you just

298
00:11:10,584 --> 00:11:12,825
listed out here. Went through everything that you

299
00:11:12,825 --> 00:11:14,184
know that you went through that you didn't

300
00:11:14,184 --> 00:11:15,065
even put here?

301
00:11:15,784 --> 00:11:18,264
What would you tell somebody who's not you

302
00:11:18,264 --> 00:11:19,279
to do. Thing

303
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:22,574
I'm willing to bet. Most most of us,

304
00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:25,432
we will go through a bit of personal

305
00:11:25,432 --> 00:11:27,912
hell for ourselves, but for... Our best for

306
00:11:27,912 --> 00:11:29,746
somebody we care about for just another human

307
00:11:29,746 --> 00:11:32,139
being, we wouldn't wanna see miserable anywhere. We

308
00:11:32,139 --> 00:11:33,735
would tell them what the fuck are you

309
00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:34,452
doing. Yeah.

310
00:11:35,170 --> 00:11:36,925
Move on. Go. And what I I don't

311
00:11:36,925 --> 00:11:39,325
wanna say move on cheaply. There is a

312
00:11:39,325 --> 00:11:41,812
grieving process. There is a

313
00:11:42,266 --> 00:11:45,048
coming to terms with and dealing with the

314
00:11:45,048 --> 00:11:47,842
damage done. Let's the way your trust was

315
00:11:47,842 --> 00:11:50,304
violated, The the things you've had to go

316
00:11:50,304 --> 00:11:50,804
through

317
00:11:51,256 --> 00:11:52,209
with, you know,

318
00:11:54,608 --> 00:11:55,987
what was it up here the

319
00:11:56,365 --> 00:11:59,239
being sexual with another partner without protection and

320
00:11:59,239 --> 00:12:02,352
not telling you that alone. That's, like... Yeah.

321
00:12:02,751 --> 00:12:04,042
I know it took... A while to find

322
00:12:04,042 --> 00:12:07,068
out, but that's another thing. That tells me

323
00:12:07,068 --> 00:12:09,935
however you found out, and I don't care

324
00:12:09,935 --> 00:12:12,139
if it came from that person himself, a

325
00:12:12,339 --> 00:12:14,493
he was perfectly willing to let you go

326
00:12:14,493 --> 00:12:16,807
all that time without knowing. Mh.

327
00:12:17,684 --> 00:12:18,003
I mean,

328
00:12:19,534 --> 00:12:22,250
you are worth more than what this person

329
00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:24,168
has given you over the past 2 or

330
00:12:24,168 --> 00:12:26,325
3 years. I don't care how much he.

331
00:12:26,578 --> 00:12:28,805
Learned and is ready to redeem himself. He

332
00:12:28,805 --> 00:12:31,032
gets to go redeem himself with somebody else.

333
00:12:31,192 --> 00:12:32,464
He gets to go prove. He can do

334
00:12:32,464 --> 00:12:34,985
it better with somebody else. He's

335
00:12:35,978 --> 00:12:37,806
you deserve more. Mh.

336
00:12:38,442 --> 00:12:40,668
Everybody in the situation like this where, you

337
00:12:40,668 --> 00:12:42,496
know, for all the mistakes, we will all

338
00:12:42,496 --> 00:12:44,577
make as individuals within a relationship of things

339
00:12:44,577 --> 00:12:46,010
we should've have said. The way we could

340
00:12:46,010 --> 00:12:47,680
have done it better. Maybe the things we

341
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,272
did when we were angry and hurt that

342
00:12:49,272 --> 00:12:52,148
weren't our best selves. Yeah. Yeah Yeah. All

343
00:12:52,148 --> 00:12:54,447
of these things, all the lies, all the

344
00:12:54,447 --> 00:12:56,532
trust violations, all just

345
00:12:56,983 --> 00:12:58,940
telling you a ghost you breaking up with

346
00:12:59,218 --> 00:13:01,763
over text telling you that you were exhausting,

347
00:13:02,161 --> 00:13:04,229
know what you were doing is he was

348
00:13:04,229 --> 00:13:06,234
feeling guilty and he was tired of to

349
00:13:06,234 --> 00:13:08,249
feeling guilty. Please So what happens

350
00:13:08,785 --> 00:13:11,257
in 6 months when you're still grappling with

351
00:13:11,257 --> 00:13:12,852
all of this on your own,

352
00:13:13,490 --> 00:13:15,736
Okay? And he feels guilty I get He's

353
00:13:15,736 --> 00:13:17,884
already got a track record. Mh. Mh.

354
00:13:18,521 --> 00:13:20,509
Forgiveness this is fine if you want to

355
00:13:20,509 --> 00:13:22,021
give it if that feels right for you.

356
00:13:22,180 --> 00:13:23,252
Yeah Every

357
00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:26,017
everybody makes mistakes. But you don't have to

358
00:13:26,017 --> 00:13:27,450
forgive the person and still look them in

359
00:13:27,450 --> 00:13:29,679
the eye every day and wonder what they

360
00:13:29,679 --> 00:13:31,925
really think of you and what they're doing

361
00:13:31,925 --> 00:13:34,896
is they're not telling you. Right. You deserve

362
00:13:34,954 --> 00:13:37,505
more you deserve better. I... You know, like

363
00:13:37,664 --> 00:13:40,471
I just said, everybody makes mistakes. Nobody's immune

364
00:13:40,471 --> 00:13:43,343
from it. I make mistakes. Sure. Okay. But

365
00:13:43,343 --> 00:13:45,838
what III do my best not to do

366
00:13:45,897 --> 00:13:46,669
is to

367
00:13:47,110 --> 00:13:49,909
do things repeatedly over and over and over

368
00:13:49,909 --> 00:13:50,070
again.

369
00:13:51,110 --> 00:13:53,429
Right. And III get it. You've you moved

370
00:13:53,429 --> 00:13:55,485
half your life to to me with him

371
00:13:55,684 --> 00:13:56,662
to have this

372
00:13:57,277 --> 00:13:59,269
power exchange in this life that you wanted.

373
00:13:59,827 --> 00:14:01,739
And that's a a huge commitment. There's a

374
00:14:01,739 --> 00:14:02,058
lot of,

375
00:14:03,349 --> 00:14:05,027
time and effort and money that go into

376
00:14:05,027 --> 00:14:06,385
that. And it is very easy to go.

377
00:14:06,625 --> 00:14:08,063
I've already put in all this effort so

378
00:14:08,063 --> 00:14:10,541
it's then air quote wasted. If I don't

379
00:14:10,541 --> 00:14:11,753
see it through. Know the fuck It's not.

380
00:14:11,992 --> 00:14:12,947
Nothing has been wasted.

381
00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:15,493
Okay? It happened. You did it.

382
00:14:16,210 --> 00:14:18,438
Maybe you found some good in that town

383
00:14:18,438 --> 00:14:20,268
in that area where you've moved part of

384
00:14:20,268 --> 00:14:22,670
your life, Maybe there's a thriving community you

385
00:14:22,670 --> 00:14:23,625
like to be with. So you don't have

386
00:14:23,625 --> 00:14:24,899
to give up everything,

387
00:14:25,376 --> 00:14:27,207
but it's not a waste to go. I'm

388
00:14:27,207 --> 00:14:29,515
cutting my losses now, and I'm gonna go

389
00:14:29,515 --> 00:14:33,273
do something else. Right. Either by yourself or

390
00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:35,366
maybe if you fill up for it, maybe,

391
00:14:36,299 --> 00:14:38,211
seeking out a play partner, or another part...

392
00:14:38,370 --> 00:14:39,620
Something. Mh. But

393
00:14:40,136 --> 00:14:43,472
this... And see... Here's the thing. The telling

394
00:14:43,472 --> 00:14:46,094
thing to me is after all of this.

395
00:14:46,411 --> 00:14:48,477
Everything you went through, including the stuff you

396
00:14:48,477 --> 00:14:49,485
did not include

397
00:14:50,241 --> 00:14:52,153
you're the 1 going? What do I do

398
00:14:52,153 --> 00:14:54,065
make it better? I wanna know where his

399
00:14:54,065 --> 00:14:55,579
email is going? What the hell do I

400
00:14:55,579 --> 00:14:57,172
do to make it better? What can I

401
00:14:57,172 --> 00:14:59,576
do to to fix this? Yeah. Because here

402
00:14:59,576 --> 00:15:02,122
you are still trying to fix this for

403
00:15:02,122 --> 00:15:05,145
him. Mh. Okay? This air quote dom and

404
00:15:05,145 --> 00:15:07,055
at this point until he, like, gets his

405
00:15:07,055 --> 00:15:09,065
shit together and connect. Actually go be a

406
00:15:09,065 --> 00:15:11,625
decent dom to somebody. In my eyes, he's

407
00:15:11,625 --> 00:15:12,985
1 of those air quit ones. He's not.

408
00:15:13,384 --> 00:15:15,544
It's not that he's not real. City shitty.

409
00:15:16,518 --> 00:15:18,848
He's the kind of dom that's in it

410
00:15:18,905 --> 00:15:20,655
for what he could get and what he

411
00:15:20,655 --> 00:15:22,882
wants and he's not worried about what you

412
00:15:22,882 --> 00:15:24,975
want. Because if he was worried about what

413
00:15:24,975 --> 00:15:27,375
you want, you wouldn't be questioning what you're

414
00:15:27,375 --> 00:15:29,615
supposed to be doing. He would be bending

415
00:15:29,615 --> 00:15:32,823
over fucking backwards words. Yeah. And even then

416
00:15:32,982 --> 00:15:35,206
I would tell you, does he really deserve

417
00:15:35,206 --> 00:15:36,556
it? I don't think so.

418
00:15:37,271 --> 00:15:39,336
No I'm that's not a an answer we

419
00:15:39,336 --> 00:15:42,144
usually give we. Do not usually tell somebody

420
00:15:42,144 --> 00:15:43,985
to get the hell out of there, but

421
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:46,304
this is 1 of those times. You haven't

422
00:15:46,304 --> 00:15:48,865
listed a single redeeming thing about this person.

423
00:15:49,264 --> 00:15:52,303
So he Why aren't you worth as much

424
00:15:52,303 --> 00:15:54,948
as you would want for your friends. Mh,

425
00:15:55,719 --> 00:15:58,475
family members for Orlando, you met on the

426
00:15:58,594 --> 00:16:00,581
street. Yeah. You would want better for them

427
00:16:00,581 --> 00:16:02,488
than you have received, you are worth that.

428
00:16:03,124 --> 00:16:03,522
Mh.

429
00:16:04,237 --> 00:16:07,019
Do not do not do not forget your

430
00:16:07,019 --> 00:16:10,223
worth. No. Okay. Now, this person, not the

431
00:16:10,223 --> 00:16:12,856
only fucking dumb. The way you felt and

432
00:16:12,856 --> 00:16:14,612
hell the way you feel now. It's real.

433
00:16:14,851 --> 00:16:17,260
It's valid. Mh. But he is not the

434
00:16:17,260 --> 00:16:19,676
only 1 who could ever make you feel

435
00:16:19,814 --> 00:16:22,128
the way you wanna feel. Yeah. He... He's

436
00:16:22,128 --> 00:16:23,165
not the end all be all.

437
00:16:23,898 --> 00:16:26,449
Clearly, he's, you know, out there just shopping

438
00:16:26,449 --> 00:16:28,123
around for however many subs he can get

439
00:16:28,123 --> 00:16:30,435
at a time. He's not worried about you

440
00:16:30,435 --> 00:16:32,603
being his end all be all. And and

441
00:16:32,763 --> 00:16:34,998
Lola agrees. You hear her over there, Keith

442
00:16:34,998 --> 00:16:36,115
and rolling around. Right.

443
00:16:38,909 --> 00:16:40,266
You had to do that because I was

444
00:16:40,266 --> 00:16:41,871
about to blow my. Top and steam about

445
00:16:41,871 --> 00:16:43,376
to come out of my ear. I know.

446
00:16:44,248 --> 00:16:44,748
So

447
00:16:45,278 --> 00:16:46,228
I'm hot and sweaty now.

448
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:47,734
All to tell you,

449
00:16:48,783 --> 00:16:51,015
this person doesn't fucking deserve you. It is

450
00:16:51,015 --> 00:16:53,089
not your job to fix a damn thing.

451
00:16:53,328 --> 00:16:55,880
Yep if you're willing to keep moving forward,

452
00:16:56,039 --> 00:16:58,207
and that is your right, You're... Choice your

453
00:16:58,207 --> 00:16:58,446
decision.

454
00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:01,076
He has to do the work. Yes. And

455
00:17:01,076 --> 00:17:02,591
he has to bend over backwards to make

456
00:17:02,591 --> 00:17:04,345
this work for you. And he has to

457
00:17:04,345 --> 00:17:07,490
do whatever is nest Siri, to help you

458
00:17:08,266 --> 00:17:10,260
get the worst part of that out of

459
00:17:10,260 --> 00:17:12,891
your head into to believe him when he

460
00:17:12,891 --> 00:17:14,805
says something, but I don't think he's worth

461
00:17:14,805 --> 00:17:18,013
it. No. And you can do... I promise

462
00:17:18,013 --> 00:17:20,009
you you can do better, and you deserve

463
00:17:20,009 --> 00:17:20,647
more than you're getting.

464
00:17:21,366 --> 00:17:22,164
Yeah. Mh.

465
00:17:22,723 --> 00:17:24,653
Thanks for listening to this week's q a

466
00:17:24,653 --> 00:17:25,770
episode. If you want us to answer 1

467
00:17:25,770 --> 00:17:27,684
of your questions, just use the contact page

468
00:17:27,684 --> 00:17:29,518
on our website at loving bd m dot

469
00:17:29,518 --> 00:17:30,954
net, or you can find the link in

470
00:17:30,954 --> 00:17:32,788
the show notes. Big thanks as always to

471
00:17:32,788 --> 00:17:34,875
our kinky community over on page patreon, we're

472
00:17:34,875 --> 00:17:36,623
able to do this podcast and keep it

473
00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:38,530
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474
00:17:38,530 --> 00:17:40,278
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475
00:17:40,278 --> 00:17:42,265
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476
00:17:42,265 --> 00:17:44,115
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477
00:17:44,115 --> 00:17:45,875
cool super nice kings. You can do that.

478
00:17:46,194 --> 00:17:47,954
Just join us at patreon dot com slash

479
00:17:47,954 --> 00:17:51,174
k lords. That's patreon dot com slash kayla

480
00:17:51,329 --> 00:17:52,604
or use the link in the show.