You're listening to the loving Bd podcast. Kayla
the lords here with the 1. The only
the guy who confused me with your new
hand signals. I didn't know when I was
supposed to talk, John Browns stone. You're welcome.
Did you do it on purpose? Or did
you, like, lose yourself in the mail? Lost
myself in the middle of. You're, like, what
are numbers? What is waiting? Right. I don't
know how this works anymore? I I lost
my account. I lost, you know, my my
place I... Everything.
Just up the window.
Well, what I did. Was decide to just
trust that you would give me a very
obvious signal,
and then I could begin, and it seems
to have worked. Zach. Yeah. There we go.
Alright. That's not what we're talking about this
week. No. This week, we're answering a question
from a submissive who's had their consent violated,
their powered. Exchange agreement violated, and no longer
trusts or feel safe with their dumb, and
they wanna know how to overcome that lack
of trust. Exchange and repair
the relationship.
Won't be a good 10A
short
might be already. It might me all 1
word.
Welcome to the Loving Videos and podcast. If
you're new here, we help Kinks like you
have happy healthy power exchange relationships. Not the
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miss an episode. And if you'd like us
to answer your question in a future 1
of these. You can use our contact page,
literally labeled ask your questions. On our website
at loving bd m dot net that's loving
bd m dot net, or
find the link in the show notes for
this episode. Okay. Let's get into the question.
It is a long 1. Mh, and it's
it's worth knowing the whole backstory. Here. Here
We.
My Dom and I are going to try
to have a 24 7 agreement again after
a tough 24 months.
Here I, the sub little girl was new
to Bd m 2 years ago and came
into contact with my daddy dump via the
Internet. At the time, he was in a
tri with 2 sub.
I knowing entered conversations to be a play
partner in some scenes. Within 3 months, their
2 plus year tri
had dissolved in what appeared to be a
non ami way. I then dated the dom
with consensual play albeit to later learn that
he was not honest about his sexual partners
and activities at the time. This put my
health at risk without me knowing this information
as I was unaware and therefore not using
the correct protection, after a further 3 months,
we decided together to become boyfriend girlfriend and
to drop a Ds agreement.
Because I was new, I received help with
this agreement from a long time person involved
in writing boundaries and agreements.
My dom I spoke about this and share
a document which we both agreed.
The agreements were not extensively limiting according to
the person who was helping me. I really
believe in authenticity, but also believe in honesty,
with the person you are with is not
to hurt them unnecessarily with lying and deception.
Fast forward to 18 months later,
and to summarize to avoid a long question,
my dom broke the 3 key areas of
the agreements, including
meeting a woman alone in a hotel room
and playing with her within 2 weeks of
our agreement.
Subsequently, my dawn broke 2 other... Minutes. I
did not find out about the initial agreement
violation until 18 months after it took place.
After 2 years, he began to take accountability
for the actions, minutes and provided me a
space to experience the grief associated with this.
He subsequently dumped me via text with no
contact after 2 months of finally giving me
that's space because he sounded exhausting to be
with me, and then within 3 days, took
on a new submissive, slept with her and
took her out for scenes.
Since starting our relationship, I moved more than
50 percent of my life to his city
and took a full time job in the
city. Do still travel back and forth to
my original home, but I have additional personal
and family commitments that prevent me from being
100 percent in the same city as him.
I do, however, spend all available time in
his city to live the 24 7 dynamic.
I fell for him and he had indicated
he loved me too.
He seemed to change after disclosing the deception,
but I was not able to handle it
very well despite a lot of counseling and
even medication.
Now that I'm on the other end of
it, I did reach out to him again
because we both have changed through this process.
He seems to have truly learned why the
4 pillars of Bd. Them are imperative. He
feels remorse for his actions and he has
made some major changes.
I want to be with him and for
things to be back to what it was
like, essentially before I knew about the agreement
and consent violations.
My overall question is how to get back
to that again. I know it's trust building,
and I know that foundation relationship stuff. However,
we are very out of the groove. He
has t nation to mess up as a
dom and I have t nation, that you
will break our group's again, and or dump
me when things are tough.
I still have feelings about being replaced so
quickly. I also have some major body issues.
And as a result of the 2 years
too long to go over here, and that
is making our scenes hard. I feel so
ugly inside and out and that I will
never be enough for him. I find myself
unable to fully give my heart and my
mind to him. I'm struggling with believing in
him again. He used to be so big
to me and like he could do know
wrong. I understand that part of that is
my inexperienced, but even in my vanilla relationships,
I believe in sharing your innermost part with
your partner.
Do you think that some things are just
too hard to come back from Bd?
I would like any advice you can give,
including steps slash actions with I can take
as a sub to help make this better.
Before I saw your face as I was
reading before we get it and I'm gonna
definitely let you have your say,
I am so tired of the wrong partner
coming in with the question going, How do
I make this guys fuck up better. Exactly.
Go ahead So we you you you know
what?
You... There... There's nothing you can do.
There... There's nothing you can do.
I'm gonna say it 1 more time. There's
nothing you can do.
It's on him.
Completely 1... Slightly, 100 percent on him. To
prove his trust.
Okay?
Nothing that you can do or say or
make this any better. It's all on him.
Total honesty after hearing this, and and and
Kayla read me a little bit of this,
the other day,
But, yeah. As she said part of my
face because she did not read me the
whole thing. I believe something for camera right
podcast.
So
what... What's the thing the the the the
the long and short of it? Yeah. Yeah
Okay. Sure. Okay.
The long... The short of it is is
there's nothing you can do. The onus is
completely and totally on him to prove himself.
The other thing I would say after hearing
all the things that this person did after
2 years
in in a 2 year process.
Run. Go
run. Do not walk. Mh.
K.
Not a good not Not good. Not good
at all No. And I agree completely with
what you're you're saying. When it comes to
trust has been broken by a part. Partner,
and we're trying to salvage things. The person
who has to do the work as the
person who broke the trust. Right. They have
to prove to you over partner however long
it takes you that they are trustworthy again.
That being said,
why? That's the question I have for this
in anybody, finds himself in a situation like
this.
Why do you want this ragged person back
so bad. Mh. Okay Nothing you've described in
the bad action some like a responsible
ethical caring
relatively healthy dom. And quite frankly,
the fact that you went 18 months months
before finding something out over the course of
2 years. And then a little bit later
after things said, you know,
you'd found out, and then there's the will
I got broken up with over text because
I was exhausting this person has done
almost everything in whatever sick twisted book they
got out there, like, down the checklist of
how can I make my partner feel small
and worthless? Yeah. And
I
want for you and for
everybody out there to be with a partner
who fucking
Deserves you. Yeah. Okay? The keywords words here.
There are so many things, but the key
ones of I wanna know why you went
back is
I still have feelings about being replaced so
quickly. I have major body issues and I
feel ugly ins... As a result of the
2 years. Right. That yeah. Some of that,
yeah, having our our body issues and how
we feel about ourselves is is on us,
but also,
you feel this way because this person made
you feel this way. Right. They did this
things that, like, ate away at your self
esteem and your sense of self worth. They
don't deserve you. I don't care how they
say they have learned. I don't care how
they say they are better and they're gut
They better be trap anxious about this. Right.
Because they've already proven the they know how
to fuck up left right and setting. Mh.
And and you you you have every right
to be trip issues about it too.
I've absolutely. Absolutely. Oh, I'm hot and sweaty.
And here's the thing.
I usually when we get something, maybe not
quite like this, but we get somebody who's
like, hey, we've had it rough for trying
to work it out. I'm gonna come and
go okay. You know, talk about these things.
You're gonna have the hard conversation. You know,
start small. No. No.
You know thing is on him and he
doesn't deserve the chance. The only the only
only thing, I would say.
Maybe.
Couples counseling.
Maybe.
Maybe. And still,
it is very easy for this especially these
days when when
therapy
speak, and the language of therapy and the
the ideas of therapy are much more accessible
to people think, to social media. Is very
easy for a manipulative person to use the
language of therapy to say the right things.
The and, I mean, I know I got
trust issues, but this is not a person
who would get my trust. I might personally
forgive later. I might...
Certainly would hope I moved on. I might
1 day in the future, be able to
be in the same room with that person,
but
What have they done to prove that they
deserve something as
important and meaningful and vulnerable and intimate as
your submission? Yeah. Your submission is worth more
than that. Right every time. 1 1 of
1 of the 1 of the keys that
you you need to to think about here.
Is is in what you wrote us. I
find myself unable to fully give my heart
and my mind. If if you
are feeling that you cannot give that to
this person. There's a reason for it inside
that you sub comp maybe subconsciously know
Okay. What is really going on here? Let's
give it to you another way if you're
still like, I wish they just stop yelling
at me and answer Mike 1 western. Okay.
If you're
friend, if fuck an acquaintance. If a person
you barely like told you every you just
listed out here. Went through everything that you
know that you went through that you didn't
even put here?
What would you tell somebody who's not you
to do. Thing
I'm willing to bet. Most most of us,
we will go through a bit of personal
hell for ourselves, but for... Our best for
somebody we care about for just another human
being, we wouldn't wanna see miserable anywhere. We
would tell them what the fuck are you
doing. Yeah.
Move on. Go. And what I I don't
wanna say move on cheaply. There is a
grieving process. There is a
coming to terms with and dealing with the
damage done. Let's the way your trust was
violated, The the things you've had to go
through
with, you know,
what was it up here the
being sexual with another partner without protection and
not telling you that alone. That's, like... Yeah.
I know it took... A while to find
out, but that's another thing. That tells me
however you found out, and I don't care
if it came from that person himself, a
he was perfectly willing to let you go
all that time without knowing. Mh.
I mean,
you are worth more than what this person
has given you over the past 2 or
3 years. I don't care how much he.
Learned and is ready to redeem himself. He
gets to go redeem himself with somebody else.
He gets to go prove. He can do
it better with somebody else. He's
you deserve more. Mh.
Everybody in the situation like this where, you
know, for all the mistakes, we will all
make as individuals within a relationship of things
we should've have said. The way we could
have done it better. Maybe the things we
did when we were angry and hurt that
weren't our best selves. Yeah. Yeah Yeah. All
of these things, all the lies, all the
trust violations, all just
telling you a ghost you breaking up with
over text telling you that you were exhausting,
know what you were doing is he was
feeling guilty and he was tired of to
feeling guilty. Please So what happens
in 6 months when you're still grappling with
all of this on your own,
Okay? And he feels guilty I get He's
already got a track record. Mh. Mh.
Forgiveness this is fine if you want to
give it if that feels right for you.
Yeah Every
everybody makes mistakes. But you don't have to
forgive the person and still look them in
the eye every day and wonder what they
really think of you and what they're doing
is they're not telling you. Right. You deserve
more you deserve better. I... You know, like
I just said, everybody makes mistakes. Nobody's immune
from it. I make mistakes. Sure. Okay. But
what III do my best not to do
is to
do things repeatedly over and over and over
again.
Right. And III get it. You've you moved
half your life to to me with him
to have this
power exchange in this life that you wanted.
And that's a a huge commitment. There's a
lot of,
time and effort and money that go into
that. And it is very easy to go.
I've already put in all this effort so
it's then air quote wasted. If I don't
see it through. Know the fuck It's not.
Nothing has been wasted.
Okay? It happened. You did it.
Maybe you found some good in that town
in that area where you've moved part of
your life, Maybe there's a thriving community you
like to be with. So you don't have
to give up everything,
but it's not a waste to go. I'm
cutting my losses now, and I'm gonna go
do something else. Right. Either by yourself or
maybe if you fill up for it, maybe,
seeking out a play partner, or another part...
Something. Mh. But
this... And see... Here's the thing. The telling
thing to me is after all of this.
Everything you went through, including the stuff you
did not include
you're the 1 going? What do I do
make it better? I wanna know where his
email is going? What the hell do I
do to make it better? What can I
do to to fix this? Yeah. Because here
you are still trying to fix this for
him. Mh. Okay? This air quote dom and
at this point until he, like, gets his
shit together and connect. Actually go be a
decent dom to somebody. In my eyes, he's
1 of those air quit ones. He's not.
It's not that he's not real. City shitty.
He's the kind of dom that's in it
for what he could get and what he
wants and he's not worried about what you
want. Because if he was worried about what
you want, you wouldn't be questioning what you're
supposed to be doing. He would be bending
over fucking backwards words. Yeah. And even then
I would tell you, does he really deserve
it? I don't think so.
No I'm that's not a an answer we
usually give we. Do not usually tell somebody
to get the hell out of there, but
this is 1 of those times. You haven't
listed a single redeeming thing about this person.
So he Why aren't you worth as much
as you would want for your friends. Mh,
family members for Orlando, you met on the
street. Yeah. You would want better for them
than you have received, you are worth that.
Mh.
Do not do not do not forget your
worth. No. Okay. Now, this person, not the
only fucking dumb. The way you felt and
hell the way you feel now. It's real.
It's valid. Mh. But he is not the
only 1 who could ever make you feel
the way you wanna feel. Yeah. He... He's
not the end all be all.
Clearly, he's, you know, out there just shopping
around for however many subs he can get
at a time. He's not worried about you
being his end all be all. And and
Lola agrees. You hear her over there, Keith
and rolling around. Right.
You had to do that because I was
about to blow my. Top and steam about
to come out of my ear. I know.
So
I'm hot and sweaty now.
All to tell you,
this person doesn't fucking deserve you. It is
not your job to fix a damn thing.
Yep if you're willing to keep moving forward,
and that is your right, You're... Choice your
decision.
He has to do the work. Yes. And
he has to bend over backwards to make
this work for you. And he has to
do whatever is nest Siri, to help you
get the worst part of that out of
your head into to believe him when he
says something, but I don't think he's worth
it. No. And you can do... I promise
you you can do better, and you deserve
more than you're getting.
Yeah. Mh.
Thanks for listening to this week's q a
episode. If you want us to answer 1
of your questions, just use the contact page
on our website at loving bd m dot
net, or you can find the link in
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