You're listening to Loving Bd and podcast, episode
04:03.
Kill Alerts
with the 1, the only the day this
episode is being released birthday boy. John Browns
down. I don't know what you're talking about.
It's your birthday today I know what you're
July twelfth is your birthday.
Happy birthday. I must say it later in
this podcast too. Happy a birthday. I'm not
singing because nobody wants that. Nobody wants that.
But happy birthday.
She the shirt I'm wearing. It's see podcast
listeners cannot. He is wearing his grumpy daddy
shirt.
And his grumpy daddy shirt from what's the
Safe words Merch shop is why I have
not put a grumpy daddy shirt.
Not.
Because I'm not doing that. That's not cool.
We will just rep the merch.
That's that's actually not what we're here for
this.
Hey. You're the 1 who went down the
rabbit hole. I just followed. Because it's your
birthday.
The day this episode comes out.
This week, we're talking about a self help
kind of concept that absolutely applies to kinky
people, and that is radical honesty.
Welcome to Loving Bd podcast. If this is
your first time listening glad to have you.
If you're back for another week. Welcome back.
Loving Bd has produced every Monday and Friday
for your kinky pleasure and education. Chin are
found at loving bd m dot net. Come
back often and feel free to add the
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loving Bd pc on Instagram and threads at
that handle I will forever,
motherfucking hate.
Loving, d s and the number 1, so
that's at loving, DS1.
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loving bd where you can watch us live
from the podcast every Wednesday.
All links during in the show notes. Epic
big thanks as always to our Kinky patrons
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it's able to keep being weirdo on the
Internet.
A large part because of our Kinky patrons,
and we are grateful. We're relaying 1 of
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do that. Just join us at patreon dot
com slash kayla Lords that's patreon dot com
slash kayla, or use a link in the
show notes.
Okay. So before we get into the topic,
I do have some announcements.
The first 1 is that. There's going to
be a free.
Free
free 99.
Online, Bd
workshop, July 20 second through 20 fifth, hosted
by put on by taught by,
Ale
of Dom sub living. It's called jump start
your Bd journey.
It's a bit of
the basics, but not the basics in a
way, like, we have to sit and go
what what is a dominant. It's the basics
in a way of figuring out what you're
into, figuring out what you want,
figuring out how you can incorporate
Bd and power change, if that's your thing
into your routine into your lifestyle. That's the
whole thing. We are not teaching it. We're
just helping to promote it. And it is
hurry.
So we like Ale and Moms of living.
We have taught with them in the past
and some of their event. So we feel
comfortable sending you there,
be would like
to,
participate, sign up, regis sure attend the thing.
The link is in the places if you
want to go look. What I have discovered
because I got a couple of emails from
folks about it.
Sure make sure whatever browser you're using allows
for pop ups because you... If you decide
to sign up to register to a attend,
click the button that says register and a
pop up comes up and you do... Give
your email in your, like, your first name.
And some people have not been getting that.
And I'm like, okay. Do you do you
not allow pop ups on that browser. So
just be mindful of that. But, yeah, it
is July 20 second through the 20 fifth.
This is not the only time you'll will
hear us, talk about it if you are...
On our email list. You have already heard
about it.
If you follow us on Fe life or
Instagram, hopefully, you've already heard about it.
We will keep talking about it for you.
So It's called jump start your Bd journey.
I'm doing an awful job of explaining what
it's about. So
I encourage you to click the link in
the places,
go check it out and if it sounds
like it's a thing that you would be
interested in, go ahead and sign up.
You second announcement.
So for anybody watching the live stream, this
is in the future.
For anybody listening to the audio podcast,
this applies the day this episode comes out.
Jb Birthday is Friday, July twelfth. That is
this Friday, though, this Friday from the day
of
recording this. Jb
birthday.
And, yes, I will be putting that in
the newsletter as what.
I wanna make sure everybody knows.
Okay.
It is up to you.
If
you tell folks how old you are. I
would not... You know, whatever. Old enough to
know better young enough not to care.
Old dust to have almost no fuck slap,
And I I'm look grateful for that because
I still got a couple fucks hanging on
for to your life and so,
somebody.
Has to not have any left. Right.
So, yeah, Your birthday be this Friday. Yeah.
And we're keeping it kinda low key. Mh.
I have...
I've told him that I will take over
his normal weekend chores,
and he has request at a special dinner
kinda like you did for Father's day.
It involves pasta and cheese. So
the fourteenth tasted year old once again gets
to be grateful to you for having a
special day because he gets Mcdonald's. Right.
Well, I'll make sure he gets his free
coffee from Starbucks,
and whatever other freebie, the different places through
your way. Throw my way
we're gonna try really hard not to do
any... We have to do lawn work. It's
the summer in florida we have to. Or
we'll have a jungle in our frank yard.
But we're gonna not do it over his
birthday. Weekend, so, he can actually take the
weekend off. So...
But...
Yep.
So bought john.
You can binge watch whatever the hell you
want. I plan on working mostly of. I
I started watching the planet of the apes
reboot. I saw that. I was like, but
it was after you were watching like, a
king Kong Godzilla
situation. Yeah. Was happening there. It was
it was King Kong and Godzilla. They they
they teamed up with Moth.
What
Okay.
Save the world. Okay. I mean, yeah.
Okay. Yeah. But, no. I I can finish
watching that. And house of dragons is back
now. Yeah. You haven't watched that yet. I've
kinda of been waiting for this. The whole
thing to be out. Yeah Yeah I don't
blame you. Don't blame it. And yes. I'm
also... I was looking at live chat, because
mister Sp has... His birthday is, I think
the day before years if I'm reading that
currently.
So happy birthday mister spot.
And I think,
and eva husband's
birthday is, like, in this time Lots of
birthdays in this time frame. I it's either
today or within next day lots of birthdays.
Have the birthday. Lots cancer birthdays here.
Birthday, mister Bean. And and Jb is
a quintessential stereotypical cancer.
His emotions are just right there on his
sleeve. I mean, show him a a hallmark
commercial, he will probably cry. And I am
the scorpio bitch in the background going. What
the fuck you cry? About because I filled
with empathy. I guess... I I... There are
songs that I have listened to for the
better part of 30, 40 50 years.
And it'll still bring It's very sweet. It
really is very sweet. I'm just... It... It's
been a culture shock
anyway, so yes.
Live judgement talking about cakes, I will be
making a cake.
Mh.
I have to go to the store and
get the cake stuff. We were gonna get
it from all together, but they didn't have
everything we needed. So I need to go
to Walmart and help, on the Walmart. No
I have not. So I guess I know
I'm doing tomorrow. Well, you had a reason
not going today. Yeah. We'll talk about in
the section. Okay, We've already gotten off.
Completely from the topic. 10 minutes in.
So was actually get to the topic.
So we're talking about this concept of radical
honesty, which I...
What I was trying to... Because I knew
what I wanted us to talk about because
it's a thing that every time I do
it, I just kinda sit and go
Am I a good person or am I
a dumbass? And I'll tell you why when
we get to it. But the expression that
kept coming to me when I was trying
to just to think about how I can
concise describe this moment. Mh was radical honesty
because that's what feels right. And then I
was like, but that comes from somewhere. Started
looking it up. And it mostly means what
I was meaning it to mean,
but also people have taken that Phrase and
turned it into all kinds of things.
And 1 of the things that it turned
into was very applicable to Power exchange and
kin. And I want, okay. We're gonna talk
about it anyway. So I wanna start with...
Let's let me start with how radical honesty
is
primarily
defined find in the ways that I could
find it. I literally am using the Wikipedia
page for 1 of these. The links to
the 2 places I'm find pulling from are
in the places if you wanna read them
yourself.
The first 1 is, like where the term
radical honesty even really comes from,
It is comes from a book that was
published in the mid ish nineties called radical
honesty.
And then when I started reading the Wikipedia
page, apparently, I got a little cult like
the group who were were believing in radical
honesty and I'm following the author. And they're
apparently some drama there. That is not what
we're here for. Okay? But if you would
like to know more about it, go click
the Wiki,
wikipedia page. Anyway,
But the idea of radical honesty is the
practice of
complete honesty
without telling even white live.
Which kind of describes how
most of the time I really I have
been.
Most of my life, but not because I'm,
like, a good person who he's a radical
honesty see. It's because it was traumatized as
a child, but that's a whole other thing.
The other 1 where I see this definition
has kind of
gone to and invent repurposed for. Right? Okay.
So there's a literal definition of the words
radical honesty, which is you don't even tell
a white lie. No life o mission. You
just tell the truth no matter how no
gray area now. Right.
Which isn't
to civil barely a good thing but whatever.
This, the next resource I found that kind
of was a good example of where the
term seems have gone for some people
is more about a self help within your
yourself kind of thing. Mh. And in this
case, let said, I can find it. Okay.
Radical self honesty calls the suppressed parts of
the self to the surface.
It's a practice that asks you to be
100
percent authentic or as truthful as you're capable
of at the moment with yourself. Mh. And
and that makes sense. Yeah. Right. To to
own who you are, Right eat down
at least if... With nobody else other than
yourself. And I was like, oh, you mean,
like, when many us figure out where kinky
and then maybe have to go tell a
partner. Hey, by the way. I think Kinky.
I would like to
explore this life with your life.
Way.
Okay. The supplies. The supply of So I'm
gonna... Let's start the conversation with how
I was...
Thinking about it at first,
and give the
example,
which is frustrating because I know this is
not the first time this has happened in
all the years we've been together. It's just
the most recent example, so I can't remember
any of the other times. Maybe you will.
Just So,
last week for anybody who listened or watched
last week, I was given on fucking camera
with the audio being recorded.
A task
to full sheets
before we went,
we were gonna gain some more we don't
Doing something, being
So
guess who forgot.
That me for getting
led to a
a quick, but pretty good conversation of, hey.
Here's what I know I need for the
future
But here's how I found out I forgot
and how Jb found out I forgot. I
walked into the bedroom.
And saw the sheets so saying there's, like,
2 days later and went.
And Jamie was was, like, I want... I
don't say Clueless like, in a p minute
or like was in his own world. He
wasn't looking at what I was looking at.
He didn't even hear me. I'm not sure
your hearing aids were written. Like so. He
didn't have a clue that I'm over here
going, oh my god. I can't fucking breathe.
I was literally given a task with witnesses,
and it's just still sitting here.
And that is a moment where I...
It's not a difficult thing within me, but
it is a thing that I I'm...
I understand what I'm doing to myself. And
so I have, like, a 30 second back
and forth of, do I say something?
Or do I let him
find out?
And I was like, I need to say
something, but then in my brain, my brain
goes, you know what you're potentially... Doing to
yourself if you admit. And I'm like, yeah,
But
if I don't, and he figures it out,
1 or 2 things my mind is gonna
happen. And maybe there's a mysterious third thing
I didn't think of. But it was either
you were gonna give me shit for having
forgotten and then whatever was gonna... Was gonna
happen. And I don't I don't like that.
I don't like that feeling of feeling called
out. That's a
Or you were gonna be, like, why didn't
you tell me you hadn't done this? And
then now talking about how I just didn't
admit something and I didn't like that feeling
and.
Now, why is this matter in our power
exchange Because in our power exchange, we were
there are... There's positive reinforcement.
And there are consequences. There's punishment.
And I knew that I just fucking telling
you I could have been setting myself up
for
a consequence that I was not gonna love
that I actively seek to avoid. Yeah.
But when I thought about how it could
go if I didn't say something. I was
like, I don't like those either. So the
what I did. I'm like, okay. I'm probably
a dumbass
for even admitting this.
But here, you know, go look. I forgot.
Right? And I just admitted it. Now what
I've gotten better about just over my lifetime,
not even our relationship
is I just own it, and I go,
oh, I am. I am. And sorry. I
fucked up. I I can... And we did
get into the reasons why I always can
give the context of what the hell happened,
how I screwed up. What But I have
learned that most people don't wanna hear that
first.
Those get called excuses, and then I get
angry because it's like actually no. It's just
vital. Information, so you could know. I wasn't
just dick around. There was actually like reasons.
Right?
I've learned my lesson so I don't start
there. I start with I am so sorry.
I know Was supposed to do this, I
fucked up once I get, like, the visual
confirmation that he's accepted that then I could
go, okay, but here's what I think happened.
I could call it as a contest.
That's not the first time. That No. That
I've... That... That's something like that has happened.
And I've been the 1 to admit it.
When when we were... Oh, you do remember.
Oh, yeah. When when we were
seeing each other.
I had gifted you a piece of jewelry.
And
you would
You you were at that time still... You
were going to a gym. Mh. You're working
gym I was working my big girl job
and I go to the gym on my
lunch break. Mh.
And
you left,
said piece of do. Yeah. I took it
off. Yeah. I don't think I ever took
it off again after this.
And
yeah, you did remember. You went back. You
were able to get it and everything, but
you still...
Told me about it. I know And I
was, like, almost in tears. Now here's what's...
Here's where I know part of that's the
the trauma. That's my childhood.
Because even though I had fixed it.
I still... And see I had people around
me, and I still know people today who
would be like, well,
There was no harm, no foul. Mh. Like,
you lost it briefly. You got it back
almost to immediately. Like, thankfully, I worked in
an office when they... Saw my face of.
Man I love gave me this piece of
joy, like I couldn't tell him it was
my collar, y'all.
Man, I love gave me this piece, and
I took it off and, they were like,
go, because the gym was like right on
the corner. Go. Right? And so In in
my office going, oh my god. God. I
feel like I need to tell him. And
you know, the the non Kingston, the non
power exchange folk were like, why? You... It's
not like you need to admit that a
thing is lost. You got it back. Everything's
fine. I'm like,
no. It's important that I tell him. And
it... And I still contend now They've been
reminded at the moment. It was important to
tell it was part of the building of
the
communication between us to be able to talk
about things that aren't so great, but also
my personal sense of integrity,
is to just admit shit and let's talk
about it because it was a moment that
had me in my feels and the person
I wanted to talk to about how I
was feeling
was the person that other people were like,
you don't have to tell them Like, but
then how do I complain about I'm.
So
Yeah. So I do... And I remember you
kinda being, like, what I like about that
moment now that you've dropped my memory. Is
that you were very sensitive to my
like,
my an over it. Even though you understood
that it's been it's been sorted. It's fixed
now. A deep breath. Right? Yeah. But you
never made me feel silly for that. You
were... You just sort of went,
okay. How are you feeling And what will
you do different next time and, like, it
I absolutely like just mel it in with
our power exchange that we were sort building
at that point. Yeah. Where I had a
problem and it it made me feel very
big feelings, and I went to my daddy
Tom and went...
I'm having big feelings right now. Right? Because
I think we had had the agreement that
I would not take it off, but something
about being at the gym I've gone like,
got... I just got taken off. Because it
was it was a necklace. It was not
a collar, like, with a lock. Y'all. He
had Mh. Purchased it, send it to me.
You know, was a great thing, and I
turned it into what essentially became my collar.
But, yeah. And I I am... I'm like
this out outside of power change to me,
this is not just a power exchange thing.
Not because I'm some great human being or
a fucking saint or whatever.
Sometimes, maybe I am a dumbass. I mean,
maybe I I tell the truth when I
don't have to, but my experience in life
has been from very young age.
That I am the person who will get
caught. I don't know if it's because I
got a face where I can't Out hide
shit well.
I'm sure I'm not a very good liar.
I am sweating bullets when I am even
a lie of o mission. I'm... My shorts
practically wet. Because I'm like, with sweat. I'm
like you know that I'm not telling you
everything.
But I've always gotten
the fallout from either
lying and then getting caught or the live
o mission where I just went,
and and it being found out was always
such an awful feeling Mh. That I came...
I hit a point in life at some
point or it's like,
it's difficult and I do sometimes struggle with
those moments are like, do I fucking admit
this thing.
But at least for me, it's like, I
walk away going. I don't have to worry
that I'm trying not to say something because
I just fucking said it.
Many times as an adult, though,
these little moments where it felt like that
felt big in my mind. I should say
something, come to find out. Nobody fucking gave
a shit, and I could just not said
anything.
But I don't I haven't changed my ways.
I just really funnel it into
you in our shit. It's like true. My
thing now is and I still don't I
don't like a lie of o mission either.
I don't like anything that makes me feel
dishonest, and let me be clear here. I
don't I don't care what you do. Like,
if if you're listening to me going god,
that's ridiculous stupid. That's fine. Like, I'm not
here to tell anybody how they have to
move through the world. I just know how
I moved through the world,
and I don't think I'm better at anything
or goodies... Like, I don't I don't think
I'm like, a righteous person because of it.
I know that the
agony of going do I say something Do
I not say something. Am I dumbass if
I say something? Is it the right... Like,
that kind of inter struggle. Oh, it sucks
not telling anybody that I think they should
go through
But I'm in power exchange
from the very beginning
when we were long distance. Mh. The few
times I had consequences
while we were long distances because I told
you,
that I did a thing or didn't do
a thing. Mh. When
you might never if fucking known if I
hadn't set anything. Unless you directly asked me
and put me in that position to have
to tell you 1 way or the other,
you would never have known. And I'm over
here going, I have something I need to
tell you.
Now I'm curious
before we get into my personal eyes and
where forced? Her
when over the years?
I have told you something
that
you wouldn't know known otherwise. Right? Or
that
I came to you feeling like a... I'm
doing a confession
situation.
Like, we're... Like, it's a religious thing or
something like, oh, I have to tell you
this thing. And
And really, in your maybe in your mind,
it wasn't that big of a deal or
I could... Like, it was fine if I
hadn't told... You. I told you really to
my own detriment air code detriment.
How do you feel about that? What is...
Is that... Like, what's that like from your
first active.
You know, there there are are some things
that are
active
I... I mean, kinda like with the with
with the necklace with the jewelry.
You know, I was kinda like,
why?
You thankfully that was not...
Reaction? No. It wasn't me it wasn't it
wasn't. It wasn't.
And yet,
at the same time,
early on at that time
with us.
I was like, okay. She's being
forthright with me. Go. Yeah. I'll definitely tell
you the truth. Yeah.
So... Even shit, you don't need to know
about. Mh. You will know
So, you know, that that was something for
me that was a actually
a good thing. Mh. A good thing.
And to to a certain extent, I still
think it's a good thing,
more than not, actually,
because
you know, especially
lately,
probably shouldn't say this because this be
But, you know, I me. You'll be fine.
I know where you're going. You'll be fine.
III
miss things. Mh. Right now, you know, juggling
so many plate.
Or you could spend those twins Whatever you'd
like to... Ugly white.
Nice say you throw them on the ground.
Yeah
Anyway, go ahead.
Anyway, you know, yeah. So
Sometimes there there are things that I miss.
So, you know, it... It's good that you're
bet honest in that much. And I'm curious
when I.
Confessed
that there were the cr up sheets, they
did immediately he, like, by the time he
got out of the bathroom they. They were
filled... They were done. I didn't even hesitate.
Yeah. But do you think that you would
have clocked it, recognized it realized it at
any point? Probably not at that moment.
I know. And that was the war within
myself. I'm like, I know I've noticed it,
but he hasn't said anything.
Do I...
From me. And again, I...
And see that that was another 1 of
those things. We had so much going on
that weekend. And the lesson learned, I was
like, look, I'll do whatever you want, but
I know me. I think the lesson here
is don't throw out a task me, make
sure you have I you I have... You
have my full attention. I'm looking you in
the eyes.
It's that kind of... And it was 1
of those... You'd thrown it out. I go,
okay. And... But it was in the... The
rest all of this I had... III had
your attention. I had everybody else's attention. It's
recorded on video and audio. You know how
we it and talk about past. And that
was... And it wasn't like I was like,
oh, this is not my fault because I
was just like, hey,
in the future
didn't because I don't like to forget shit
you asked me to do.
I... You know,
I mean, I I guess
with with this and I and I understand.
A lot of. I I think the thing
that
kind of,
I'm I'm not
E is the wrong word.
It it doesn't sit right with me that
it radical.
I. Honestly. Oh, I Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Because of what you... You would normally,
you know, put with the associate with a
word, like, radical. Right. Okay?
So, you know,
radical I mean, you, you know, and and
I'm thinking about it as
honesty is is a good thing regardless. Oh,
yeah. It's a it's a net good. I
mean, other moments where it's gonna, like, kick
your ass sure, but it's a net. You
know, and and I think a good
part of,
you know, being in in the Bd,
community in world and and living that lifestyle
on that that kind of honesty is important.
I think so. I mean, because of, you
know, trust, a a lot of things go
into developing trust among partners and in situations.
I and
being able to be honest about the things
that matter. And that for me is always,
like, it general, the way I personally wanna
try and live my life is that. 99
point 999999
percent of the time. I'm just gonna be
honest because then I don't have to try
to remember a false because I won't. Mh.
I don't have to be nervous about what
I may or may not have said.
But, you know, the reality is some white
lies, there... It's not awful in some situations
right now. Yeah. Everybody's gauge of those is
different.
Mine is 1 time
in the oldest high school career, did I
tell
the attendance office he needed to check out
for an appointment that he technically had, but
he didn't need to check out for because
I was like, I'll get you out of
school for this day, but I cannot tell
a full blatantly lie. I'm not capable of
Right? Mh. Like or, you know,
not telling somebody that you think that their
hair is hideous. Like, that's an opinion, and
you don't have to be that kind radically
honestly. It's kinda like hurt somebody's feelings and
there's nothing they can do about it. Like,
there's
there's all these ways that, you know, okay.
But,
you know,
the idea of the way I handle
telling newt of not lying
and just saying hard things, It is...
It's integral for me to who I am
to be trustworthy. And I think that's
part of... I mean, part of the reason
I have such trust uses because the enough
people on the planet are shit your beings
and I've had people have given me a
reason to have trust issues.
Also, I'm not stupid. I know that not
everybody tells the truth at the level that
I tend the tell the truth I will
tell you all of the small things to
the point you wish I wouldn't tell you
some of these things. Right? It's too much.
Yeah.
But for me to be trusted by somebody
I care about is 1 of the most
important things to me. Mh. And
to not be walking around sweating,
did I remember
to say, you know, what... What's the story
on this and or to not be caught
out and to be found out. Like, that's
not a conversation I'm gonna ever fucking have
with you. Of why didn't you tell me
this? Why did you tell me something that
was not true because
You know, for some people, it takes a
lot to break trust. For others, not so
much. Right. I'm am a not so much
kind of gal.
And so I'm gonna treat the people that
I want to be trustworthy too the same
way of, I'm not gonna give you reasons
to not trust me. I'm not gonna give
you reasons to doubt my work. Kinda like
the the the the
treat me meat like, I would treat you
kind of thing. Sort of yeah. But also,
when I think of it in terms of
the...
Power exchange element.
I don't I don't... I'm not saying anybody
else would ever feel this way that there's
Mh. That anybody else has to feels are
like, us, I'm not hitting any of that.
But quite frankly,
probably little else makes me feel as submissive
as coming you
telling you a thing that I know could
have consequences I don't like and knowing that
not only
am I admitting my own wrongdoing.
Right. I didn't do that task. I forgot
this thing, Like, whatever it is.
I'm putting myself...
This is a little a little bit hyper,
but kind of at your nurse.
But you're gonna do what you're gonna do
within the combines of our power exchange, and
I know what those things could be,
and the power exchange being your teeth this
been being submissive to you
is
so important to me. And
and I...
And doing that. Going oh, look what I
forgot to do. I don't know what you're
gonna do about it. But look what I
forgot to do.
Almost nothing make me fulfilled more submissive than
that because I'm genuinely out of control at
that point. You have the control you of
the power, you get to decide what happens
next, and not in the fun happy. It's
make me feel good kinda way in the
way that it's like, oh, here is a
clear
reminder
of the... Actual power exchange. Right? Mh. And
I don't I don't seek out consequences. I'm
not a fur a girl. I'm I want
to be a good girl all the time
sassy.
Sure. I think I'm funny. And I like
to be funny.
What but at the end of the day,
I just wanna be your good girl.
And,
you know,
to not be that and for you to
know that I don't want it to be
a disappointment thing. And what I imagine would
happen. And I don't know if that would
happen because this never happened because I don't
wanna to get that far is if you
found out about a thing that didn't tell
you about you know as well as I
do, I would known. I hadn't done a
thing.
Before you ever... Right? Mh. I might... It
might have taken me a minute, but you
would have known in any circumstance. It's not
just the last week anytime time. Because by
the time you figured out I had done
and had to come to me and say
something.
In your heart hurts, you know I knew
before you got time me. Right?
I don't wanna see the disappointment on your
face. That's... 00I
don't...
I'd rather make you mad than disappoint you
to I don't wanna make you back.
Again, that's the child of trauma.
And so I just... I'd rather just... Let's
get it out there in the open.
I don't know...
I am not trying to test my luck
here.
I don't know what's gonna happen with this
is over, but I will and it. When
I just told you and apologize. Got it
fucking done. We figured out how to maybe
avoid this in the future.
As of right now and all come with,
There hasn't been a consequence.
I haven't asked because that, I don't wanna
know.
Right. I will be brutally honest.
With the people I care about, I will
lie like a dog to myself. Okay. And
I'm very good at it's denial. And if
I don't wanna know what's thing I will
not ask
That's the the real irony.
I'm gonna be real truthful with you.
I'm gonna lie so bad to myself.
Lola agrees. Yes.
So
You know, I don't
I don't necessarily think that though...
All of the things that I will absolutely
air quote this confess. Are
necessary good, healthy, important, meaningful. Like, I don't
I don't... I do... It's a real
strange self comfort. Thing. I feel better
knowing
that we both know. Now I think it
would be different thing and I would have
to to contend with it differently.
If the truth I was telling you were
things that were going to hurt you.
Right? Like, if I had to tell you
a thing and confess a thing
that was going to be mentally physically, blah
something painful for you that I caused the
pain or that somebody else did,
you know,
maybe I'd have a different view on it.
It really has been some stupid ass bullshit
stuff that truly, I could've just not said
anything, but also, I can't... Part of that
part of that, and it's not all of
it. Part of it has is because you
and I talk about
the most mundane things, the most random things,
the deepest things, most important things
And while and we did the episode
several weeks ago about, you know, you don't
have to quite communicate every fucking thing on
your mind. And I am getting better at
that.
I don't ever want to have just not
told you something you're lied to you about
something. That means that I literally can never
fucking bring it up if it, like, relates
to something again. Now I'm like, doing this
like, little dance of did I tell him
that can I talk? Like, I want... Even
if I don't tell you every thought I'm
having or every emotion I'm feeling. I don't
wanna close the door on my ability to
do that.
So we can have the conversation and joke
around about the fucking sheet.
Because I told you. Right. Regardless of what
was gonna happen. And I I know when
I'm honest like that about my own
you know, scrubs or whatever that I am
inviting whatever the consequence might be. Right? Like,
I'm not... And it's not a oh I'm
look at me. I'm so great. I'm... I
don't know what consequences It's like, no. No.
I am helping out future me,
but so Right now me is like bitch.
You worked dumbass shit. But future me like,
no. I wanna be able to talk about
shit. I don't wanna ever wonder. Can I
talk about that? Because I just fucking set
it? Yeah. Now did I know I... That's
why I was doing stuff in the very
beginning? Like, did I have it figured out
at that level that this is what... No.
Did I... I mean,
I'm not
out for all that I probably sound really
naive
or really like,
I don't know. Another word I can't think
of right now.
I understood that I was ridiculous when I
was gonna, like, air quote confess to nearly
losing a necklace that we both were considering
my collar. Mh think that I did not
lose. I understood the gonna absurdity of that
worry or that, you know, moment of
but it was also the first time we'd
ever had a moment where
technically, you... I could have handed you a
reason to be
unhappy with me. Right?
And there was some fear there too. I
didn't know how you were gonna react because
an
mostly mentally healthy person is gonna go... I
know mentally healthy. A mostly not shitty person.
Let's say that
is
gonna go, what... It's fine. You, you know,
that sucks she almost lost it, but you
got it back.
You're cool.
It's the really shitty person who's gonna, like,
make you feel bad about a thing, but
you don't need to feel bad about out.
And, you know, in the beginning, it's a
possibility
that part of what I was trying to
do was to learn out how you would
react.
Because I know that I was nervous about
how you would react because we had not
had this kind of moment. Everything had been
like super happy, super good, new relationship energy.
You know, and here I am going, okay.
This isn't a big deal.
But what if he makes it a big
deal. Right? Yeah. So it's... That first time
was a very layered new nuance thing. But
I didn't understand myself yeah. Well enough to
know all of the ins and outs of
why I was. You know?
Nuance I could sit
and
as as as a dominant. I could sit
a nit pick. Yeah. And... There are some
out there who will? Every little thing. Mh.
Okay.
And and to me, sometimes,
III look at it as, you know, don't
sweat the small stuff. Mh.
Over the years, you've gotten me to be
better about that? Mh.
I think when it comes to
the the us. Stuff, the stuff that even
if it's small, it doesn't have a major
impact on our lives, that it involves both
of us. I'm gonna I'm gonna keep telling
you sure. The absolute treat into my own
detriment. Yeah.
But, yeah, I think that what I... What
I've done with not fucking people who are
not you. Right?
Excuse me. Or people who are not in
my...
Absolute tight inner circle, which are mainly
you and the kids
is I'm not gonna lie...
I'm just not gonna say anything.
I'm maybe fucking engage in conversation.
I mean, like, I'm not gonna put myself
in a position where I have to decide,
do I... Am I...
Brutally honest here or not. Mh. I'm just
probably not gonna have much to say. If
if the the idea is that
this is a person who's gonna ask me
a question that I don't want to answer
or that my impulse might be to not
to not want, to tell them the brutal
truth
as a self protection thing, not for any
nefarious reason. Yeah. I'm not gonna
make room for that kind of conversation. Pretty
that's probably not mentally healthy, but I don't
care. My piece is quite protected. Thank you
very much.
Now.
Is there anything from your perspective
about
this entered...
Like, personal dynamic of the radical honesty thing
that you would like to say or add
to. I don't I don't think so. Okay.
Mainly because I think
you know, the the
subject of honesty
is something that should be.
Ops. It it ought to be a given.
Right.
The Monday episode that'll come out, like, after
this week's podcast episode. It is an example
of how not being honest, fucking destroy shit.
Right? Like, Okay? Yeah. There you go. And
and I think you go. Anybody who has
made it to legal adult status fucking knows
that. Right?
Now I kinda wanna shift to this idea
of radical honestly Steve, being this thing where
you become
radically
honest a slash authentic and like the person
said their little walk goes to the x
extent that you're capable of at the time
with
yourself And who you are. And because is
that not the King than for many people.
And you know what that makes absolute per...
You know, hearing that when you read that,
like, wow. Okay.
Because
You know, I I can
even even myself as as much as, you
know, we we had talked about how much
is I I am a self motivated person.
Yeah,
you know,
there are...
You know, III think all of us have
those lies
we tell ourselves. Right. And we don't... Obviously,
we don't consider them lies. We just... There
things we believe that are not necessarily true.
Oh, I'm I'm I'm gonna have that piece
cake right this. There. And and I'm gonna
enjoy that piece cake, but I know I
shouldn't have that piece cake because, you know,
it... It's not good for me. And Gonna
feel guilty And then after the fact
You know, oh, I'm I'm... You know what?
I had a really rough day. I'm not
gonna take that walk today. I don't I
don't wanna do it. It's not... It's not...
You know, So, yeah, I I can see
how there's a lot of ways that we
we do that to ourselves. Mh. Mh. And
not a malicious. No. Various way. It's just
a
sometimes it's more comforting or it feels safer
to think
The thing that maybe later you go, oh,
that was not
necessarily.
The most honest I could be with myself.
So It makes me think... Because you and
I have
as many as all of us do. A
completely separate
experience with what I was like to kind
of figure out we were kin, go through
that process and for me. I be completely
a innocent and night even watch kinky things
and know they were kinky. Figure out I
was kinky and have a sense of relief.
Right?
Because... But I didn't try kinky shit before
that. Not, like, that I didn't experiment whatever.
So for me, there's... It wasn't that
I was
at not being my authentic self.
I
did not know that that could be
and a part of my some. But your
experience with
from
the very early days to, like, where you're
at now.
Nothing you experimented with kin without having the
language for it.
You tried to do things, but then you
had the guilt and you have the the
right be because All of that out far.
Because to... At at that time to me,
what what I associated with, you know, yeah,
I was doing things. I was I was
spanking. I was, you know, tying tying someone
up.
And and the relationship did not last,
you know,
looking back now,
relationship never could. Right. Yeah. The things you
know Okay we can look back on. But
at at that time with that you know,
that that that young
brain of mine at that time was like,
oh, no. This is what made the relationship
bad. Yeah.
Okay? Because that's wrong
things to do. And... Right. I'm not supposed
to do that I'm bad for doing that.
This relationship failed, so therefore that is proof
that what I was doing was bad. Was
bad. And then fast forward to the relationship
your in before
you and I. Mh. And you tried it
again. Right. And were treated like you were
bad. Yeah. Like, like, there's all these... In
app... Again, everybody's experience this and way forward
is gonna be different. But for folks who
get them... Like external message from your religion
from your partner from
whatever you're watching from whatever... Wherever the messages
are coming from, that
kin in whatever form is bad,
it... I mean,
the fact that any of us are able
to over come all of that messaging and
all of that guilt and all of those
like, Mh. Net negative, you know, self talk
and the the self doubt to
step
into
your authentic self of which Kin is a
part of that
is
extremely brave. Right? Like, it might not feel
like a brave thing at the time.
It might not feel like that big of
a deal. It my... But it's like you
literally went against
not only what the outside world was telling
you. Right. Your own internal,
not correct, but we don't know that at
the time. At the time. Yeah. Incorrect thinking
about a thing to go, but This is
who the fuck I am, and I'm just...
I'm gonna fucking embrace it now. Right. Now
I know we've
had the conversation, but I don't know if
I've ever...
Asked that specific question.
What
was was there a specific moment
not when you started exploring, not when you
started going... But when you just kind of
and maybe embraced this the only word I
got. But you basically you embraced it. You
went.
All that tells me it's wrong, but this
is who the fuck I am. Yeah. That
that moment for me.
Was when I
was sitting down
and talking to a
mas,
And at that time, I was still...
It it was strange because I embraced the
the ds, the power. Mh. Exchange.
Where I was struggling with was the,
sad in the mask. Mh k. Mh.
And and she sat down, and and her
and I we were we were out of
lunch, and she was talking me, and she
explained to me
what it meant.
Da mask receive pain.
And it was at that point, listening to
her and and and her explanation and everything.
It was then at that point that everything
just kind of came together came together and
mesh.
After that moment, because you've told me that
story before. Mh. But I don't know that
we've ever talked about after. So after that
moment where you kind of have
that epiphany? Maybe Mh.
What happens next? Do you...
Does it just become a little bit easier
to explore? Do you have a different mindset?
Do you have a different mood, like, what
happens after it? If for me at that
point, it was definitely a different mindset. Mh.
Because I wasn't some...
I I realized that I wasn't some
per just you know, but the best way.
Yeah. I Get you're saying? You know what
I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. And and at that
point, then it made me made it much
easier. Mh. To to dive in Mh. To
the community
yourself back? Right. I was no longer holding
myself back. Yes.
And I think that that
I like the idea of the the idea
of where maybe radical honesty that as a
concept has gone, where we're talking about
knowing... It's sort of know thy myself. Right?
Because whether it's kin or at something else,
oftentimes you have to throw off some old
beliefs and some incorrect thinking and the messages
you... Received from, you know, and you have
to go... This is my truth. This is
who I am.
Right. And it doesn't matter if the outside
world approves of it. I'm I'm I mean,
it Yeah. I mean, it... It's a matter
of finding
your truth
and and,
you know, like, what I did for many
years.
You know, this is what a relationship is
supposed to be.
Right. Got him. Yeah. You know?
Buy societal standards. This is what it's supposed
to be. And, you know, but I I
could never
fully fit into that. And I think that's
the thing. I think a lot of people,
maybe maybe younger, people younger than us who
get... Got to be raised with the Internet
and add to the information. Maybe more of
them will have a different experience. But I
think it's a very human experience to try
to
force yourself to fit,
you know, square ground hole. Mh.
The the ideals of what you've been taught
are the air quote correct. Way. Yeah. And
it never feels right and stat and many
of us, I know there are people out
there who figure it out and they're like
really self actual very early on in life,
and I'm am very happy for you.
The rest of us have to go through
our thirties to forties. It quote mid midlife
crisis before we get there, whatever.
Through the meta morph. Right. But,
you know, the thing I'm
understanding better now. And then I'm not perfect
at it. I still get sucked up into
it for other things
is what happens is we try to force
ourself to fit what we've been taught is
what we're supposed to do. Mh. It doesn't
feel right. And instead of saying And and
this thing doesn't flooring. We
not right. I'm... This doesn't fit. This doesn't
feel right yet. But, yeah. But the... Before
you can get to that point of why
it doesn't feel right now who you really
are and whatever you're truth is your radical,
honesty self honesty thing is,
we we don't say the thing I'm trying
to do doesn't work for me. We tell
you know, many not all tell ourselves. I
am wrong because I can't make this work.
And I think that it it ought to
be for folks who can get there very
free. To realize that you're not wrong. You
were just trying to make yourself beat somebody,
you're not you're not. And you're not III
think... And and there's there is something
else because it's eat it...
No. Well, none of it's easy. Yeah. You
know, to
to accept
because
accepting the truth
of yourself, your your truth
is only part of it
because
at that point, then, you know, I could
realize
that I'm I'm kinky,
but I'm meant... You know, I these are
the relationships I've known. This is my comfort
zone. I have to step out of my
comfort zone now. Mh. Yeah. You gotta do
the scary thing. Yeah. And I think
my experience with talking to other kings and
the messages we get and the... The people
who share with us is that a lot
of people get stuck in that. They know
who they are. Mh. But to be able
to take that step into it to try
to to try to have,
you know, to to get to live the
life that they want that feels right for
them. And that is not 24 7 Power
exchange for everybody That's whatever
in this specific case troy Mount Kin. That's
whatever that means for that.
Right? At And that, I do see a
lot of people get stuck there because there's
a leap of faith that has to happen.
Mh. And you have to be willing to
fuck... It up a little bit before you
can get good at it. Right. And there's
some friction there, and that is difficult for
people. Now what I... I like to see,
but this is where who it can go
off the rails because friends is a thing.
It's when people go. I am this kinky
person and they jump in with both feet
and blind on.
They're not... The brain is not a part
of the place
out of the frying pan and into the
fires Was fucking. And I think that, you
know, I think a lot of us, once
you hit that
point of whatever your point of is,
I'm gonna do this because it's it it's
it's harder to not do it than it
is to do it it and there's a
drive behind it for you that I'm I'm
going for it. I'm fucking going for it.
Right? You know, the the frenzy that can
come on sub, or dom. I mean, we've
only Yeah. Once or twice even mention the
concept of maybe there's a dom frenzy, it
would make sense to me that there is.
But, you know, that f feeling of, I've
gotta do all the things. And if I
don't do it right now, I'll never get
you to And and it's
A lot of times, it comes from this
really joyful place of this excitement of I
know who I am, and I'm I'm ready.
Let's go try it out. But. And gonna
need somebody y'all to keep your thinking cap
on while you do it?
Yeah. A little healthy.
What's the word I want?
Fuck.
Not mistrust, but a little healthy, like,
there's a word I can. Somebody will think
of it for me. You know, But...
And there... And those are the 2 extremes
the... I know I'm kinky, but I'm too
afraid to do anything about. I'm not ready
yet. And the thing is is and I'm...
A lot of times I'm like this in
these moments we're having these conversations, I'm not,
But, like, outside of that I am. We
think that the way we... Feel in this
moment,
the fear, the uncertainty, the whatever is how
we're always gonna fucking feel. And so you
then there are people who are, like, I'm...
I know I can keep it I'm too
afraid to do anything thing. I'll never do
anything. Well,
I that might be true, but really what
it means is now, maybe you're not ready.
Maybe you're not ready to take that leap
of faith yet. I... There's not a fucking
thing wrong with going. I know I'm kinky.
I am not ready to go to the
dungeon. I am not ready to talk to
a person, not ready for lunch. Okay. Then
do the self work. Like Right. Go learn.
Go read. Go listen. Go wash, like whatever,
not there's so many fuck resources out there,
and sometimes just hearing enough
varying perspectives.
On how people figured out they were kinky,
what they did first, what they've experienced where
they've been,
you can
eventually get to the place where you're ready
And, you know, that that's the other kind
of ironic thing I noticed is we talk
about the radical honesty of figuring out who
you are and owning it. I am kinky.
Whatever the fuck that means. Right?
And
but the... But because you get, you're not
ready to take whatever that next step is
for you. I see a lot of people
who go, oh, well, maybe I'm not really
kinky because I'm not running around here, Naked
knee for everybody who looks at me cross
side. With a spiked collar on. Like, I
know. Yeah.
Everybody just take a deep breath.
You are... You don't have to go do
the kin thing you personally can imagine to
be authentically kinky. Right? You are kinky whether
you're acting on it or not, if you
are... If you tell yourself Yep. I'm I'm.
I'm dumb. I'm a switch.
I'm a sad. I don't ask you switch,
whatever labels you start with that feel right
for you. You are that thing even if
you have not... Physically jumped into it to
experience it yet. Now you might jump into
it experience and go, maybe Not what I
thought I was. It's fine. That's that's part
of it. It's part of the the discovery
process.
But, yeah, I mean,
I see some folks who kinda just
hold themselves back from their own.
Truth in their own reality every step of
the fucking way. And then I see the
people who realize their truth and then jump
in, fully closed both feed,
you know, no float on or anything, and
sometimes that works really well, and then sometimes
not so much.
But
I wonder and I... Because I'm not like
this. Even though I understand, I think the
the desire for this. I wonder if for
some kinks not all
that
have this desire because we get this question
a lot of, how do I tell everybody
in my life that I'm, you know, in
a power exchange. Right? And my response tends
to be. Well, why do you have to
tell them? Now, it's a personal decision. If
you wanna tell people you you ought to
and let's fix how you need do that
in a way that keeps you as safe
as possible. But I wonder if for some
people,
it's because the radical self honesty is this
year who I am, and then some of
that carries on into maybe. Other people need
to know it because this is such a
an integral part of who I am. If
you don't know this part about me. Do
you really? No. III think,
you know,
you say that, you know, why do weather
it's people need to know. I I think
it's more of a a self thing. It's
like, yeah. And I I think it has
to do it with being honest,
but
people I I think for some people, you
know, whether it's it's it's it's Bd m,
whether it's any other alternative sure type lifestyle,
to a certain extent you feel you can't
be your true self without
unless people
know. And here's the thing. I I agree
with that completely because... How many people are
close to me in my non king life,
who know me under my legal name, not
fucking many. Mh. Because under my legal name
who is parent and, you know, got
j family members and all that,
those folks don't know who I am, not
on any real team level, not anymore of
the people. I used to know the people,
but they didn't know who I was then
because I have had trust issues, probably from
the cradle.
I am to me my true self and
I'm out in the world as Kayla Lords.
Now Yeah. Where do I get to go
to be k, king spaces
here in the King space we create for
ourselves, lunches is parties. Done. Who that. Right.
And I And that, you know, could I
live my life? As.
Yes, but then I could never see my
mother again.
Right. Right. Yeah. Because for her,
I am K in sort name she gave
me. Mh. And that's a different experience, but
I agree with that. Like,
I don't want my non kin... The non
king people in my life to really know
this part of me, this is way too
personal minutes. And I don't wanna... I don't
want to...
I don't wanna answer questions. I don't wanna
fucking answer. You know what I mean? I
don't want to wade through
the judgments that I... You've met my family.
You know they would tell me what they
thought. Right? Yes. I don't wanna can wait
through that. And we have gone through it
years ago now. Right. And,
you know, that it... That was not a
positive experience not I But for me, the
way I do it is to go. No,
for... And this is personal as personal for
everybody and the way you decide to do
it is the way you decide to do
it, I'm not judging it out. All 1
way or the other.
For me, if you know me under my
legal name and you only know that about
me, you only get a certain layer, me.
Right. Now does my mother get
much deeper layer than the average person, of
course.
But it for It ain't all of it.
Mh. And ain't all of it. But if
you know me as Kayla Awards, you probably
know shit about me, and I don't just
my keane clive. You probably know some of
my inner thoughts that
not not a soul on that vanilla side
has scenario.
And that's for me, that's how I do
that other people, yeah, They wanna tell their
closest friends, They wanna tell people that they
trust. And while
I cannot relate to that, I want people
to do that if that's what they want.
God knows, I'd like to live in a
world where, you know, the internet doesn't decree
on any given day that this kin is,
you know, this negative thing or look like,
whenever.
But my whole point to wondering is if
in the discovery process
of the self,
and figure and being radically honest with yourself
about who you are. If that desire to
continue to be that honest just for some
people just transfer Well now Wanna be honest
with
everybody that matters to me. Right? Like.
And I... You know, that makes sense to
me if that is thing that people have
experienced. It doesn't have to make sense what...
All my caveats. Right? It doesn't have nothing
you do has to make sense to me
to be valid. I'm just in the conversation.
Thinking that I can see that. I can
I can absolutely see how that would work?
You know?
So...
Yeah.
Up in the live chat. Mh. Silent said,
what about... Let me see if I can
find it.
How that relates to imp center.
And
I
I think... I don't... If we haven't done
it, I think impostor syndrome who as a
topic would probably be...
I have to go back to the archives.
We might have done it 403
episodes later.
Impostor syndrome,
is an interesting concept because it's something that
for a long time I carried around as,
like, part of who I was part of
my identity. I have a impostor syndrome, And
I'll have to go dig it up. It
was a video. It was something I read.
It was something where
it was a video of a a high
powered
woman giving
commencement speech to a college, like, all female
graduating class or something. And she was talking
about how impostor syndrome is kind of the
it's not what we've been taught to internalize.
It's something that's kind of put on us
in Blah blah. So that is a an
as an idea and and
its own topic if we haven't done yet,
It's very interesting to me,
blah with impostor syndrome
as it relates to radical honesty,
I think that might be where
2 worlds collide
if radical honesty is to realize and embrace
within yourself that you are, whatever your kin
identity is. Right? Oh an impostor syndrome is
that feeling of ever... I don't know what
I'm doing. I'm not doing it Everybody knows.
I don't know what I'm doing. But I
get here I deserve that. I'm not doing...
You know, right. What I'm doing is nowhere
near as good as what that person is
doing. I feel like that is
only in terms of radical honesty, and I
think this is only, like,
1 1 millionth of a degree of all
of the things Could go into impostor syndrome,
I would say that that is the self
lying to itself. Because first of all, impostor
syndrome,
you Sometimes for some people comes from anxiety.
And anxiety is your lying brain lying to
you or. Yeah.
You know, it's it's telling you, hey, what
you would need to think about are all
the things that could happen in the future
that we can't actually predict, but we're gonna
try to predict. Them, and we're gonna tell
you it's a self protective thing, but actually,
it's gonna suck for you. Right? Like,
And so I almost feel like
on some level
that... And I've I've... Have the the feeling
before. So it's not to negate that the
feeling of impostor syndrome does not exist, it
absolutely does is a thing. Right? But if
it's got a... Front radical honesty.
It's it's it's almost the anti to radical
honesty. Because radical and honesty is this is
who I am, and this is this is
what is authentic to me in this moment.
Mh which means you own the fact that
you are the thing, whatever that thing is.
Then even have to be a king identity,
and it doesn't matter.
Somebody else's kin identity or what they're doing
with their identity or how it works or
what the worlds, says this kin identity does.
Radical honesty means I know myself in this...
And I am firm it. Mh.
Impostor syndrome
again, as a millionth of a degree of
the whole conversation because it's very nuanced. Mh.
Is the self going...
But are you new Right. Yeah. Yeah. Right.
So
and silent
makes a
nothing no episodes about impostor. So guess what
that'll be coming up at a point.
Do, you know, I... Do I personally
as an individual cable lords think radical honesty
of self and with others? Is it AAA
good thing. In general, yes. Yeah. I do
think the the way I express my radical
honesty to you,
I can admit it is probably not always
the healthiest
because
does it cause me
unnecessary an.
Sometime. Yeah. And
and yet there are times that I have
said to you,
I didn't even to know that much.
But I needed you to know that much.
And that
and that is a clash of things. Right?
Like, where does? Yeah. Your...
My need for you to know, Mh.
And and your
need to not know, began. Yep. And that's
I think the push and pull of figuring
that out. Mh. I, you know, I think
if
I would never tell. I think I have.
We're gonna talk about that later at some
point.
Okay.
You're...
I I know what my radical honesty gets
me. It it reduces my own personal anxiety
and it gets me in trouble. At the
same time. And that feels inherently
unfair,
but it is what it is... Trouble if
that's any conflict. Okay. That's what I needed.
We're not trouble. At what I need to
know. Yeah.
Because I'm absolutely still that little kid who
like walked around
yeah. A...
Like,
picture perfect child because I was so afraid
of getting in trouble and yet still managed
to get in trouble because
some people needed therapy more than they needed
to be parent. But whatever,
whatever.
What is that thing that I hear on
the Internet a lot is that a lot
of us are in therapy
for the things done to us by people
who refuse to go to therapy, like...
Yeah. Yeah.
Yep.
Yep. But, you know,
my brand of, I will say it to
my own detriment. I don't... I'm not saying
everybody up. Ought to be like that. Do
I think that more people ought be more
honest than they are?
Yeah. Because it goes back to
learn how to have the hard fucking conversation.
Say the hard thing. I will admit to
Jb that I fucked up, and I'll look
him in the eyes when I do it
because
he is a safe person for me to
have the hard conversation when we have gotten
through harder
conversations than me having to fucking admit. I
didn't full cheat. Like we've been there done
that. So I think some truth telling and
some radical honesty,
in your power and with a kin partner
is
necessary for you to to grow a deeper
bond. The hard part is not everybody is
worthy
of your rap... Your truth. Right? We've talked
about that when we talked about vulnerability and
intimacy. Not
everybody actually deserves that. And that's a hard
life lesson to go through a figure out
who the hell deserves it and who doesn't.
But I would rather more people
learn how to say the hard thing in
terms of hard thing isn't admitting when you
were wrong or admitting you did a thing
or admitting you didn't do a thing because
I think think that that is how that
bond grows and how
trust and integrity and all of that deepens
with a partner that you want it to
deepen with. Mh.
Think I do not think
anybody needs to go to the extremes with
what I get.
No.
You would never advocate for that.
When it comes to radical on, see of
self. I think that... I think anybody who
is able to
look themselves in the eye, like, go to
the mirror. Right? Or tell another human being
or whatever that, like, deep that
admission looks like and go. I'm kinky and
here's what that means. Me, you've already found
a sense of radical honesty.
The fact that anything out told you back
is just part of the process. Like,
for you know,
I don't think you wake up 1 day,
fully actual of, I know exactly who I
am. And I know what that means, and
I'm ready to... Do all the things, and
I will never be nervous about it again?
Like,
okay. What drugs are you taking and could
you share? Because the rest of us mere
mortals wake up on Monday and go, yeah.
I'm kinky. Okay. Now on Tuesday we wake
up and go what the fuck does that
even mean and how do I find a
partner and what Am I gotta fuck this
like, I mean, that's just part of the
process. Now what? Right. Now what?
So... Yeah.
So
Yeah.
I have run out of steam, So I
can actually honestly say that while things will
occur to me later of, oh, you definitely
should set that. Right now,
I'm out of words.
So I guess we could
kindly wrap it up and head into the
bonus second. We can. And there's there's stuff
for the bonus. Should. Yeah. Yeah.
So that's that on radical honesty.
Okay. So are we
are we good? I have no fucking glasses
Keep it jin on. And we'll see you
next week.
Yes, baby girl.
Can we talk for the crickets, please. Yeah.
Yeah. So first, I'd just like say, happy
your birthday Andre? Oh, yeah Caught. Alright. All
the people we know. I'll even damn cancers.
All these summer babies you know where our
parents are doing in the cold months? What
else was there to do?
Apparently.
Hey. I know how old you are what
else was there to do in the cold
month.
And deep. And yeah and technically, my parents
too, but it was Florida. It was Florida
Winter. Yeah. That was January.
They were... That's when it gets cold in
Florida. So I know what they were doing
to keep.
And then my mother pushed out a nearly
9 pound.
And thank you for the birthday wishes spoke.
Yes. If you're joining us after, like, late
and you're like, what the fuck?
Jb birthday is Friday, July twelfth. For podcast
listeners sn. It's the day this episode
goes live.
Everybody else. Like watching on video or whatever.
For time travel. For So... Mh. Mh. Mh.
So
you have a big announcement.
Still doesn't feel real. I know it doesn't.
Y'all... He's h this up and you're gonna
be like, what, the fuck... It's it's big.
It's it's big for us. If for us.
It's not big like in don't know. It...
It's not earth chatter. It's not gonna... But
it is. It stop stop stop the world
or, you know, Anything.
But it it's a big, very big deal
for us. Mh.
We finished eighth grade.
Finally, our first
year of homeschooling.
I'm a need to become 1 of those
moms who... 1 owns a Stanley because I
don't even own a Stanley. And who puts
her alcohol in it because mh. I'm pretty
sure that would make the school stuff much
more interesting.
I just boost it up a little bit
so so, yes. We we are
now,
officially parents of a high school? Yes. Rising
ninth grader. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna be old
fashioned and old fashioned for the south because
I think, like you Northern folks still have
this experience. He's not starting school till after
labor day. Yeah. No.
The the rest of his peers here in
the county will start. I think I'm august
fucking fifth. What the hell is that shit?
I know.
I know. No. We're gonna We're gonna take
off. They keep. Moving it
and further. But now. But but, yeah, we...
We're we're definitely taking bit of a break.
We need other things to focus on at
the moment.
I again still hasn't quite sunk in.
Because we had kind even to... So Tuesday
day before recording.
It was his last call with a teacher,
his last exam. We did them back to
back, which was not his normal thing, but
that's how we did it because we wanted
to get fucking done with this.
So
the that Tuesday it didn't feel real because
we had done school.
Today, it doesn't quite feel real because with
this with us live. I Wednesdays is we're
always kind of a weird day for school.
Anyway,
I'm thinking it's not gonna feel real probably
till next week when I'm going into the
week and no conversation that I have with
anybody is about what assignment to do what
no Who's gonna sit the kid because even
when he didn't need help school, he needs
a needs body.
Just needs somebody there and you can do
it. And it's, like, who's gonna do do
I have to text the teacher? Do I
have to email a teacher? Like,
none of that. And the way we're gonna
try to have it for his first year,
high school is I well, I'm not a
teacher. The curriculum we pay money for. Will
hopefully be the. But, like, there's no email
and no damn is me,
which I know. That what's gonna happen, come
whatever the day after Labor Day is this
year is when the panic will set in
of what do you mean is just me
I'm not fucking qualified.
So... But I got a couple of months
before I gotta work about.
Yep.
So, yeah. Yep. Good bill. Mh.
And he, you know, he ended.
At all with decent grades. You did.
You did 1 a.
Overall, it was like a couple of a's,
mostly b's and 1
little c, which was 1 of those c's
that, like,
half a point and it would have been
a be. Yeah. Yeah. But I also don't
fucking care. It was as hard as fucking
class and he earned that fucking. Yep.
So quite frankly so did I. Because... And
and you know what? I I look it
this way. Everybody can't be good at everything.
Nah. Us See, And I'm...
It's yet another
moment where I'm purposely being the exact opposite
of how I was parent. The expectation was
I would come home straight a's. If it
wasn't an a, what the fuck did Id
wrong. That was... That was how I was
raised. And so I'm like, I just need
to know that you're putting in the f
for that you can put in.
Right. And if there's effort there, and that's
what the greatest is. That's what the greatest
is. Yep. So...
Yeah.
That Yeah. But I get we both get
a couple months off.
We're both very excited about it. Yeah.
So, yeah. So yeah, that's the... That's the
thing.
And
Lola was doing okay?
Yeah.
Not gonna to say she's a hundred percent
herself. No. But she's per year than she
she's perk than than she has been.
We've
we've redo doubled our effort. To monitor her
food.
Once again,
she is taking
the thyroid
medication. Mh. She takes pills so well, because
she'll eat in
in. So she'll eat it. She even know
that is a pill. Yeah. So, you know,
she she started the the thyroid
medication. She's been on that for a little
bit.
She's...
Maybe not quite half into the antibiotic.
That she was taking.
Lauren she takes 3 and a half pills
of the ant.
Oh my gosh. I'm trying to hide those.
That's...
Yeah.
But,
yeah. She she seems to be doing okay.
I... You know, the the Vet did talk
about side effects.
Possible side effects from from the medic different
medications.
So far,
have not
really seen any any of the side effects.
Mh.
With her.
So
yeah. She's she seems she seems to be
doing okay last night. Oh my gosh. She
she was in a playful mood. Oh, yeah.
I don't know if you you were sitting
with.
I was doing history. With the youngest,
and
she she decided to play me and her
and eye. We were
playing tug war.
Back here and and she... Yeah. Because I
looked at... 14 year I went. What's that
noise? And he's like, I think, mister John
and Lola play, And I was like, oh,
okay.
Lola takes her
The tug war very serious. You had to
get a special tug of award toy so
she wouldn't tear anymore. Right.
And it it holding up pretty well. It's
holding up very well.
So... She's sn now. Yeah. And
I'm, you know,
I have been doing better with my back.
And and I with that, I have been
trying make sure I get her out more
often
Yes for walk. To the point that she
now
will
let us know in know uncertain terms that
she would like to go forward. Thank you
very much. Yeah.
So,
You know, yeah. Been been doing that with
her. Mh.
And we're still walking? Yeah. We did it
this morning day recording. Mh.
Tell me, I mean, and we're each of
our own individual experience of this damn walk.
The past few times that we did it.
I...
I mean, it felt like I was trying
to move my body through mud. Like, I
was un coordinated. I couldn't get my arms
and my legs to, like, move together
today. Mh.
Like, it was stream. Like, I I think
we were moving faster than we normally did.
I I think it was almost easy today.
Yeah.
Definitely moving faster.
Okay. Definitely definitely moving faster. We we've we've
we've certainly...
If we we we certainly picked up the
pace.
Now see this morning
and
Monday, Mh.
But those days were
rough. Oh, were they for me? My... Monday
Monday was actually the worst.
To me Monday felt like the humidity
was already at at that hour the morning
just miserable.
Last week was really rough. And Monday was
rough for me. Mh.
But I don't... For me, I don't ever
chalk it up to the, like, humidity is
truly, like, getting my body to want to
move almost like a Marion.
Like, who's got the strings because they don't
know what the fuck they're doing. Right? But
today I was just like,
I was almost gaze cell like in my.
They were smooth and fluid, like the arms
and legs knew what to do. Because you
noticed
Monday, and again, today. Mh. You didn't do
the back. We all the way down and
back. Yeah.
So on the street... We live on. Our
house is, like, kind of in the middle
street. Right? And the street doesn't end and,
like, go another road technically. Technically.
A dead end. Yeah.
So what Jb had been doing for a
while, and I had, like, gotten
myself, just... I just accepted it. I wasn't
pounding anymore
is we would on our way back. We
would bypass our house. Down to the end
of the street and then come back up.
Yeah. But he doesn't slow the pace down
so that it's a cool down. We're still
going at full force.
I would say, maybe that should be our
cool down, but whatever do I know? But
the past... Yeah, couple days you hadn't done
it. Yeah. And I've
gotten very... I don't know if I'm... If
this is the correct way I think about
it, but kinda zen like about it. When
we turn back down on our street, and
we're getting closer to our house I don't
I tell myself,
if we turn if we turn and go
up the driveway. Great. If we don't...
Fine.
I'm prepared for whichever 1 he chooses
this is fine. And I've... In the moment,
I don't sound like in now. I know,
but in the moment, Genuinely believe it? Mh.
That does not mean though that the moment
I see that he's turned up the driveway.
My brain goes, oh, fucking god. Do you
Yeah.
You know, we're we're doing okay with it.
We're we're holding in there. Now how it
will hold up through
August.
Mh. We can't go any fucking earlier, and,
you know, the main street that we walked
down for first part of our walk after
we get off our road, it has been
dark lately, like darker than usual.
Partly of couple street lights are out here.
Yeah. And it's an overcast and... Right. There
was 1 house that always left their back,
porch lights on, Like, they had these hanging
lights. And they They've changed in some way
1 night they were out, whatever. So
today, Jb wore a head lamp.
What I learned
about Jb, wearing a head lamp. For the
walk 1, there was a little a little
light, that made me feel better. I was,
I felt a little calmer. But I also
learned that this man's head is on a
fucking swivel.
I learned trying to follow the light as
like, that's letting me know what's gonna bad
and the lights. Oh, it's back. It's forth
it... Street. This is
every road, and he had a pattern and
he had a tempo to it. We would
turn down a new road.
Left, right center,
about 5 seconds, left. Right. And I'm trying
to, like, let the light shine, like, all
the light on the road, so I could
see what's coming and every time he would
move up I'm like, god.
More walking.
All This is also because I'm scanning I'm
scanning.
And that's a good thing because he... So
look, for all my radical honesty bullshit,
I don't wanna know what I don't wanna
know.
And I could never do a 05:30AM
walk in the total fucking dark by myself.
Wouldn't do it. Can't do it.
But him with me is the only way
it's happening. I feel a modi come of
comfort because he's already proven that if we
think something's coming at us, he shows me
behind him. It's...
Wonderful because thank god. Okay.
Mentally, I'm ready, like, and it's... When it's
mental stuff, I will be the warrior, I'll
put him to the back of protecting book.
Physically, I need somebody to hide behind. But
my thing is because denial is powerful. I'm
like, if I don't look around and I
don't see the danger at the danger just
not exist.
So his
Eyes Invisible. Nobody could see me. His heads
on a swivel and I'm just like
look ahead, make eye contact with nothing.
That's how you get safely through.
Yeah.
We, you know,
we
have been now
twice. Actually, 3 times,
twice by 1 dog,
want by another. Mh. You know? And in
our walk.
They have been very friendly. Yeah Yeah. I'm
very puppy like both. Mh. 1 was a
pity, like, a white. Yeah. Was like, I
I couldn't tell the dark, what color of
the spot brown. Maybe Brown, but
sweet baby Yeah.
Such a puppy and such a goof ball
that the puppy got the Zoom ran around
us, round his mom, and then tripped over
his own feet
now zoom.
And, you know, that... It's only happened twice
his that we've met with. And and and
the owner was running out. She's like, he's
friendly. He's friendly. And I'm like, I know
he's looking my hand, right.
But,
yeah. I...
Yeah. Learning that you are constantly scanning. I...
I mean,
Once I realized what you were doing, I
was like, that's probably a good and safe
and wonderful thing, and I'm very happy, but
also could you point the fucking light the
front.
This is supposed to help us see in
front of us
But
Yeah.
The walks are going great.
Now I have to I have to say
this because I know at the beginning of
the pot podcast. And I... Am maybe even
not at the very beginning. Maybe even in
the past few years. I used to say
this all the time because he used to
say this. There was a legit rule.
Rule y'all in this house.
That Jb did not talk to no damn
body till he'd had at least a few
coffee in the morning. And I had to
learn that the hard weights because,
look, between parenting and having jobs or I
had to be up and, like,
functioning at, like, 07:00 in the morning I
trained myself to know how to just get
up, and, I don't wanna talk to no
fucking body, but I can. Okay? And I
love Jb. So I desperately wanna talk to
him. Hang
even if it's to tell him about the
main thing, he did to me in my
dream
that hurt my darling.
But so I had to like, learn to
not, like, not immediately start talking when he
first woke up wakes up. And we've been
doing that for years. It's like it's a
family joke that if we're gonna leave to
go anywhere as a family
before Jb b's had his first cup of
coffee, don't make eye contact don't shit chat,
just get in the fucking car, and once
he takes a couple of sips, then it's
say. It's fine.
That... I mean, that's been the family fucking
rule 10 years. Mh.
This man won't to talk on the morning
and fucking walk. I'm like, I'm not prepared
to talk. Where you did not always.
You were chad.
URT.
Mh.
So, yeah.
My thing
is that I spent the day with the
18 year old, you did. I thought silly
me.
I thought this was an out back trip.
Kid was home... First mistake. Right. Kid was
home over fourth of July.
And he had gotten prescriptions refilled. He was
like, oh, they're gonna come in while I'm
at home. Let me just have them deliver,
like, filled at the home pharmacy. Well, they
didn't... They didn't have them. So he had
to wait.
And so he was like, hey. Well, my
meds come in, when you bring them to
me, and I'm like, of course,
So they came in yesterday, Tuesday, Today, Wednesday.
I I had told him. I'll come I'll
come to you, like, mid morning. Drop you...
Medication. He just can me go to the
grocery store. Like, Of course. If from I'm
there with the car, well, like, why am
Gonna make him sc around.
Also that mountain I was buying groceries.
Okay. Fine.
The kid has learned the fine art of
who has to look at a price when
mom is paying. I was like, that shit.
And we're at aldi day. I'm like, that
should I won't even buy 1. Right?
I know what he's doing. He's not eating
out, so he's, like, making sure he. I
was like, It's fine. It's fine.
Okay. So I thought I'm gonna get there
at to about 10. My hand his meds.
We're gonna get in the car. Gonna go
to Aldi. I'll be home by noon.
03:00.
Not quiet, But just before 03:00.
So when I got, are home because I
got there. He was actually finishing up an
online class. He had muted his camera off
muted himself. He's like, I run at even
listening to it, but I wanna be counted
as present for the whole thing. So I
gotta keep it up, and then the the
professor like, went over by 5 minutes. Seems
like then he goes, I haven't showered yet
and I'm like,
hi. So they had to shower and he's
like, and then 5 that is my child
through and through, so a stream of consciousness
talking and so much to say, which is
fine. I like soak it up now that
I don't get it daily.
So that's took, like an extra 30, 40
minutes. Then we go to the grocery store,
then he's like, but I'm hungry. And I'm
like, but this is Florida in July and
you bought ben and Jerry's
I'm sorry. I bought Ben and jerry's.
We need to get this into a freezer.
He goes, oh, well, then we can go
back out. So we did. I got stuck
in traffic.
And then Satin had lunch, and he had
more to say, which was a... Yeah, It
was good. Like, I joke about it. But
I joke about it because I am... I
am him and him is me. Like, I
know the way like... And I have given
him his whole life, the freedom to talk
like that, so it's like, it is what
it is.
And finally, and I was the 1.
Me having to go.
Okay. We can keep this conversation going. Let's
get into the car. Let's get into the...
Gotta go.
Right?
So, yeah. So I didn't... I had, like,
I made a little to do list. I
was like, oh, I'll be home my lunch
time. I'll have lunch. I'll spend the afternoon
working.
Yeah. M. I did the bare minimum removal
of what I had to do, and I
was like, that's it. I'm done.
So, yeah.
And and for me, we've reached that part
of summer now.
I go out in the shop and I
work in the morning.
I'm in by lunchtime. Mh.
And and the heat has just
wiped me. I know, that's gonna be me
tomorrow. On Thursday, I got a poor resin
for 4 paddle.
Yep. I gotta a pour more resin dagger.
I'm still working on the resin panels that
will be released at some point. The resin
dagger are coming in July. Like, that's a
guaranteed.
What it means is... It's killing because I'm
the perfection who's, like, way to
like, oh, about shit because I'm like, but
I want... I want there to be more.
I want there to... I want there to
be enough. There's gonna be more than enough
But I'm like, but that's not enough enough.
But at some point, you just kinda go
fuck it and punch shit alfred for fail,
So that's that's what I'm doing. So... Yeah,
But I'm pouring. But I know what's gonna
happen is I have to... I go out
there in the morning as early as I
can to pour all that resin.
And then by the time I come back
in, I'll be like, I'll be whoop, and
I'll still have shit I gotta do. Yep.
But I'm hoping when once I take a,
cold ass shower,
functional again.
So Yeah. I mean, we've we we have
been, you know, when 1 of our little
bedtime routines is
I will
give kale of the weather. Yes. You know,
for the for the next day.
And,
you know, usually, it's around 10:00, 10 between
10:10 30 that we kinda roll in the
bed. Every once in a while a little
earlier, but... Mh. And, yeah.
And, you know, we're at the point where,
you know, at 10:10 30 at night, we're
still at 80 degrees actual temperature.
And and the feels like is 87 89
degrees. Mh.
Which is why, but like, at 05:30,
it's, like, walking we wanna open the door
and you've walked into a wet blanket.
It's like, there's like humidity. That's okay. So
we talked a couple... Weeks ago at how
we keep our set higher than many people
keep theirs in the summer because we are
not paying a 500 dollar electric bill. No.
And so
me with my hot flashes, I would be
so happy if it was like 73
degrees. So fucking happy. Yeah. But I do
well at 75
because I've acclimated to 77. So when he
bumps to down to 75, 76. I'm like,
oh, this was so good. It's like being
in the little cooler.
Okay.
So the other... Normally at night, he'll bump
the air for, like, 2 hours,
enough for us to get to sleep. So
we fall asleep in a cooler temperature.
The other night
set it not for... To go off at
1AM,
but at 1PM. So, like, the whole might.
We got the good temperature, and he tells
me that and I go, oh, so that's
why last night I had the best sleep
that I've had in literal months. Is that
way you're telling.
And I woke up freezing my ass off
like I was in a
freaking freezer. You should have cut up to
me because I started still got hot flashes
even though it was a much more comfortable
sleep. The thing is is you can put
on more layers. If you get cold. There's
only so much I can take off. And
I... We sleep I we sleep naked. Okay.
I know everybody wanted to know that hers
We're sleep naked, and I'm like boiling from
the inside out.
So you got a cold body part, put
it on me.
I will take it.
So okay.
Anyway, Danny who.
That's us. Yeah.
No. You you you you y'all a lot
of you along eastern sea board in the
northeast talk about their temperature. You use it.
You have had some serious heat, much more
serious heat than we've had. Yeah. Yeah. We
we actually kinda missed that a little bit.
Yeah. I'm not I'm not mad about it.
No. Our turn will come in August. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, yep. I'm not looking for. Mh.
I mean, did temps get up to... It
feels like at least got to what 01:09?
You wanna not clear.
That. That was that was enough for me
thing. Mh.
So
yeah.
But, yeah. So that's... Lot of people are
still without power. Oh, yeah. I saw some
video footage of the flooding in the streets
and stuff as wild. So for anybody, who
is affected by barrel or nose but is
affected by barrel. Thoughts are with you. Because
right yeah fucked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then,
of course, the have barrels making her way
up, the.
The towards Canada. So Yeah. Everybody be safe.
Mh.
So on that note, Yeah. We should go.
Think was like,
night or goodbye
or see you later. Yeah. See Or R
derek. She. Oh, don't you love my accent.
I maybe dead. That's better. That's the actual
italian talking. But
On that note, we're definitely gonna go. Thank
you for
being here with us, especially to the better
end. Yeah.
We'll be back next week. Mh. Okay. Alright.
Fine.