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You're listening to Loving Bd and podcast, episode

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04:03.

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Kill Alerts

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with the 1, the only the day this

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episode is being released birthday boy. John Browns

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down. I don't know what you're talking about.

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It's your birthday today I know what you're

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July twelfth is your birthday.

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Happy birthday. I must say it later in

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this podcast too. Happy a birthday. I'm not

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singing because nobody wants that. Nobody wants that.

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But happy birthday.

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She the shirt I'm wearing. It's see podcast

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listeners cannot. He is wearing his grumpy daddy

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shirt.

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And his grumpy daddy shirt from what's the

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Safe words Merch shop is why I have

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not put a grumpy daddy shirt.

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Not.

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Because I'm not doing that. That's not cool.

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We will just rep the merch.

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That's that's actually not what we're here for

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this.

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Hey. You're the 1 who went down the

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rabbit hole. I just followed. Because it's your

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birthday.

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The day this episode comes out.

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This week, we're talking about a self help

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kind of concept that absolutely applies to kinky

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people, and that is radical honesty.

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Welcome to Loving Bd podcast. If this is

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your first time listening glad to have you.

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If you're back for another week. Welcome back.

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Loving Bd has produced every Monday and Friday

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for your kinky pleasure and education. Chin are

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found at loving bd m dot net. Come

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back often and feel free to add the

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podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can

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also follow the show on felt life at

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loving Bd pc on Instagram and threads at

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that handle I will forever,

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motherfucking hate.

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Loving, d s and the number 1, so

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that's at loving, DS1.

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Or on Youtube at Youtube dot com slash

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loving bd where you can watch us live

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from the podcast every Wednesday.

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All links during in the show notes. Epic

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big thanks as always to our Kinky patrons

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over on Patreon, including our newest peeps, we're

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it's able to keep being weirdo on the

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Internet.

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A large part because of our Kinky patrons,

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and we are grateful. We're relaying 1 of

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you. We are. If you'd like to join

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our kinky community and get access to extra

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content and a discord server with a group

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of super cool super nice King, you can

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do that. Just join us at patreon dot

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com slash kayla Lords that's patreon dot com

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slash kayla, or use a link in the

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show notes.

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Okay. So before we get into the topic,

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I do have some announcements.

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The first 1 is that. There's going to

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be a free.

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Free

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free 99.

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Online, Bd

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workshop, July 20 second through 20 fifth, hosted

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by put on by taught by,

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Ale

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of Dom sub living. It's called jump start

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your Bd journey.

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It's a bit of

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the basics, but not the basics in a

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way, like, we have to sit and go

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what what is a dominant. It's the basics

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in a way of figuring out what you're

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into, figuring out what you want,

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figuring out how you can incorporate

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Bd and power change, if that's your thing

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into your routine into your lifestyle. That's the

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whole thing. We are not teaching it. We're

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just helping to promote it. And it is

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hurry.

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So we like Ale and Moms of living.

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We have taught with them in the past

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and some of their event. So we feel

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comfortable sending you there,

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be would like

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to,

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participate, sign up, regis sure attend the thing.

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The link is in the places if you

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want to go look. What I have discovered

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because I got a couple of emails from

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folks about it.

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Sure make sure whatever browser you're using allows

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for pop ups because you... If you decide

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to sign up to register to a attend,

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click the button that says register and a

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pop up comes up and you do... Give

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your email in your, like, your first name.

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And some people have not been getting that.

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And I'm like, okay. Do you do you

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not allow pop ups on that browser. So

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just be mindful of that. But, yeah, it

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is July 20 second through the 20 fifth.

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This is not the only time you'll will

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hear us, talk about it if you are...

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On our email list. You have already heard

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about it.

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If you follow us on Fe life or

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Instagram, hopefully, you've already heard about it.

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We will keep talking about it for you.

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So It's called jump start your Bd journey.

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I'm doing an awful job of explaining what

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it's about. So

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I encourage you to click the link in

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the places,

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go check it out and if it sounds

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like it's a thing that you would be

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interested in, go ahead and sign up.

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You second announcement.

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So for anybody watching the live stream, this

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is in the future.

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For anybody listening to the audio podcast,

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this applies the day this episode comes out.

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Jb Birthday is Friday, July twelfth. That is

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this Friday, though, this Friday from the day

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of

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recording this. Jb

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birthday.

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And, yes, I will be putting that in

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the newsletter as what.

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I wanna make sure everybody knows.

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Okay.

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It is up to you.

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If

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you tell folks how old you are. I

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would not... You know, whatever. Old enough to

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know better young enough not to care.

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Old dust to have almost no fuck slap,

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And I I'm look grateful for that because

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I still got a couple fucks hanging on

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for to your life and so,

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somebody.

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Has to not have any left. Right.

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So, yeah, Your birthday be this Friday. Yeah.

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And we're keeping it kinda low key. Mh.

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I have...

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I've told him that I will take over

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his normal weekend chores,

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and he has request at a special dinner

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kinda like you did for Father's day.

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It involves pasta and cheese. So

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the fourteenth tasted year old once again gets

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to be grateful to you for having a

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special day because he gets Mcdonald's. Right.

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Well, I'll make sure he gets his free

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coffee from Starbucks,

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and whatever other freebie, the different places through

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your way. Throw my way

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we're gonna try really hard not to do

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any... We have to do lawn work. It's

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the summer in florida we have to. Or

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we'll have a jungle in our frank yard.

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But we're gonna not do it over his

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birthday. Weekend, so, he can actually take the

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weekend off. So...

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But...

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Yep.

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So bought john.

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You can binge watch whatever the hell you

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want. I plan on working mostly of. I

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I started watching the planet of the apes

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reboot. I saw that. I was like, but

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it was after you were watching like, a

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king Kong Godzilla

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situation. Yeah. Was happening there. It was

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it was King Kong and Godzilla. They they

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they teamed up with Moth.

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What

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Okay.

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Save the world. Okay. I mean, yeah.

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Okay. Yeah. But, no. I I can finish

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watching that. And house of dragons is back

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now. Yeah. You haven't watched that yet. I've

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kinda of been waiting for this. The whole

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thing to be out. Yeah Yeah I don't

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blame you. Don't blame it. And yes. I'm

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also... I was looking at live chat, because

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mister Sp has... His birthday is, I think

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the day before years if I'm reading that

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currently.

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So happy birthday mister spot.

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And I think,

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and eva husband's

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birthday is, like, in this time Lots of

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birthdays in this time frame. I it's either

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today or within next day lots of birthdays.

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Have the birthday. Lots cancer birthdays here.

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Birthday, mister Bean. And and Jb is

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a quintessential stereotypical cancer.

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His emotions are just right there on his

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sleeve. I mean, show him a a hallmark

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commercial, he will probably cry. And I am

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the scorpio bitch in the background going. What

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the fuck you cry? About because I filled

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with empathy. I guess... I I... There are

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songs that I have listened to for the

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better part of 30, 40 50 years.

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And it'll still bring It's very sweet. It

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really is very sweet. I'm just... It... It's

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been a culture shock

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anyway, so yes.

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Live judgement talking about cakes, I will be

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making a cake.

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Mh.

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I have to go to the store and

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get the cake stuff. We were gonna get

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it from all together, but they didn't have

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everything we needed. So I need to go

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to Walmart and help, on the Walmart. No

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I have not. So I guess I know

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I'm doing tomorrow. Well, you had a reason

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not going today. Yeah. We'll talk about in

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the section. Okay, We've already gotten off.

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Completely from the topic. 10 minutes in.

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So was actually get to the topic.

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So we're talking about this concept of radical

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honesty, which I...

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What I was trying to... Because I knew

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what I wanted us to talk about because

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it's a thing that every time I do

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it, I just kinda sit and go

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Am I a good person or am I

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a dumbass? And I'll tell you why when

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we get to it. But the expression that

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kept coming to me when I was trying

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to just to think about how I can

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concise describe this moment. Mh was radical honesty

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because that's what feels right. And then I

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was like, but that comes from somewhere. Started

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looking it up. And it mostly means what

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I was meaning it to mean,

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but also people have taken that Phrase and

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turned it into all kinds of things.

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And 1 of the things that it turned

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into was very applicable to Power exchange and

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kin. And I want, okay. We're gonna talk

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about it anyway. So I wanna start with...

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Let's let me start with how radical honesty

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is

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primarily

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defined find in the ways that I could

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find it. I literally am using the Wikipedia

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page for 1 of these. The links to

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the 2 places I'm find pulling from are

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in the places if you wanna read them

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yourself.

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The first 1 is, like where the term

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radical honesty even really comes from,

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It is comes from a book that was

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published in the mid ish nineties called radical

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honesty.

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And then when I started reading the Wikipedia

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page, apparently, I got a little cult like

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the group who were were believing in radical

270
00:09:54,815 --> 00:09:56,810
honesty and I'm following the author. And they're

271
00:09:56,810 --> 00:09:58,498
apparently some drama there. That is not what

272
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,408
we're here for. Okay? But if you would

273
00:10:00,408 --> 00:10:01,761
like to know more about it, go click

274
00:10:01,761 --> 00:10:02,318
the Wiki,

275
00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:04,467
wikipedia page. Anyway,

276
00:10:05,516 --> 00:10:08,539
But the idea of radical honesty is the

277
00:10:08,539 --> 00:10:09,516
practice of

278
00:10:10,130 --> 00:10:11,028
complete honesty

279
00:10:11,562 --> 00:10:13,630
without telling even white live.

280
00:10:14,683 --> 00:10:16,941
Which kind of describes how

281
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,558
most of the time I really I have

282
00:10:19,558 --> 00:10:19,877
been.

283
00:10:21,076 --> 00:10:22,688
Most of my life, but not because I'm,

284
00:10:22,768 --> 00:10:24,283
like, a good person who he's a radical

285
00:10:24,283 --> 00:10:26,277
honesty see. It's because it was traumatized as

286
00:10:26,277 --> 00:10:27,873
a child, but that's a whole other thing.

287
00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:31,621
The other 1 where I see this definition

288
00:10:31,621 --> 00:10:32,235
has kind of

289
00:10:33,075 --> 00:10:35,954
gone to and invent repurposed for. Right? Okay.

290
00:10:36,195 --> 00:10:37,875
So there's a literal definition of the words

291
00:10:37,875 --> 00:10:40,195
radical honesty, which is you don't even tell

292
00:10:40,195 --> 00:10:42,284
a white lie. No life o mission. You

293
00:10:42,284 --> 00:10:44,113
just tell the truth no matter how no

294
00:10:44,113 --> 00:10:45,307
gray area now. Right.

295
00:10:46,261 --> 00:10:47,318
Which isn't

296
00:10:48,091 --> 00:10:49,301
to civil barely a good thing but whatever.

297
00:10:50,098 --> 00:10:53,365
This, the next resource I found that kind

298
00:10:53,365 --> 00:10:55,596
of was a good example of where the

299
00:10:55,596 --> 00:10:57,943
term seems have gone for some people

300
00:10:58,319 --> 00:11:01,025
is more about a self help within your

301
00:11:01,025 --> 00:11:03,254
yourself kind of thing. Mh. And in this

302
00:11:03,254 --> 00:11:05,018
case, let said, I can find it. Okay.

303
00:11:05,653 --> 00:11:09,228
Radical self honesty calls the suppressed parts of

304
00:11:09,228 --> 00:11:10,658
the self to the surface.

305
00:11:11,214 --> 00:11:13,200
It's a practice that asks you to be

306
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:13,970
100

307
00:11:14,089 --> 00:11:17,033
percent authentic or as truthful as you're capable

308
00:11:17,033 --> 00:11:20,135
of at the moment with yourself. Mh. And

309
00:11:20,135 --> 00:11:23,022
and that makes sense. Yeah. Right. To to

310
00:11:23,494 --> 00:11:26,311
own who you are, Right eat down

311
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:29,647
at least if... With nobody else other than

312
00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,085
yourself. And I was like, oh, you mean,

313
00:11:31,165 --> 00:11:32,936
like, when many us figure out where kinky

314
00:11:32,936 --> 00:11:34,212
and then maybe have to go tell a

315
00:11:34,212 --> 00:11:35,727
partner. Hey, by the way. I think Kinky.

316
00:11:35,967 --> 00:11:36,786
I would like to

317
00:11:37,163 --> 00:11:38,439
explore this life with your life.

318
00:11:39,077 --> 00:11:39,237
Way.

319
00:11:40,034 --> 00:11:42,201
Okay. The supplies. The supply of So I'm

320
00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:45,564
gonna... Let's start the conversation with how

321
00:11:46,019 --> 00:11:46,894
I was...

322
00:11:49,297 --> 00:11:50,890
Thinking about it at first,

323
00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:53,223
and give the

324
00:11:53,999 --> 00:11:54,477
example,

325
00:11:54,955 --> 00:11:56,564
which is frustrating because I know this is

326
00:11:56,564 --> 00:11:58,080
not the first time this has happened in

327
00:11:58,080 --> 00:11:59,836
all the years we've been together. It's just

328
00:11:59,836 --> 00:12:02,309
the most recent example, so I can't remember

329
00:12:02,309 --> 00:12:03,826
any of the other times. Maybe you will.

330
00:12:04,225 --> 00:12:05,194
Just So,

331
00:12:06,783 --> 00:12:09,088
last week for anybody who listened or watched

332
00:12:09,088 --> 00:12:11,893
last week, I was given on fucking camera

333
00:12:12,586 --> 00:12:14,190
with the audio being recorded.

334
00:12:14,826 --> 00:12:15,643
A task

335
00:12:16,176 --> 00:12:17,312
to full sheets

336
00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:18,719
before we went,

337
00:12:19,513 --> 00:12:20,944
we were gonna gain some more we don't

338
00:12:21,261 --> 00:12:22,269
Doing something, being

339
00:12:23,103 --> 00:12:23,603
So

340
00:12:24,691 --> 00:12:25,882
guess who forgot.

341
00:12:29,375 --> 00:12:30,763
That me for getting

342
00:12:31,214 --> 00:12:32,086
led to a

343
00:12:32,561 --> 00:12:34,622
a quick, but pretty good conversation of, hey.

344
00:12:34,859 --> 00:12:36,365
Here's what I know I need for the

345
00:12:36,365 --> 00:12:36,865
future

346
00:12:37,649 --> 00:12:40,035
But here's how I found out I forgot

347
00:12:40,035 --> 00:12:42,183
and how Jb found out I forgot. I

348
00:12:42,183 --> 00:12:43,376
walked into the bedroom.

349
00:12:44,983 --> 00:12:46,580
And saw the sheets so saying there's, like,

350
00:12:46,660 --> 00:12:47,538
2 days later and went.

351
00:12:49,054 --> 00:12:51,129
And Jamie was was, like, I want... I

352
00:12:51,129 --> 00:12:52,885
don't say Clueless like, in a p minute

353
00:12:52,885 --> 00:12:54,417
or like was in his own world. He

354
00:12:54,417 --> 00:12:55,534
wasn't looking at what I was looking at.

355
00:12:55,694 --> 00:12:57,371
He didn't even hear me. I'm not sure

356
00:12:57,371 --> 00:12:59,127
your hearing aids were written. Like so. He

357
00:12:59,127 --> 00:13:00,564
didn't have a clue that I'm over here

358
00:13:00,564 --> 00:13:02,320
going, oh my god. I can't fucking breathe.

359
00:13:03,369 --> 00:13:06,173
I was literally given a task with witnesses,

360
00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:09,168
and it's just still sitting here.

361
00:13:10,058 --> 00:13:12,050
And that is a moment where I...

362
00:13:12,768 --> 00:13:15,159
It's not a difficult thing within me, but

363
00:13:15,159 --> 00:13:16,673
it is a thing that I I'm...

364
00:13:18,442 --> 00:13:20,677
I understand what I'm doing to myself. And

365
00:13:20,677 --> 00:13:22,991
so I have, like, a 30 second back

366
00:13:22,991 --> 00:13:25,646
and forth of, do I say something?

367
00:13:26,119 --> 00:13:27,658
Or do I let him

368
00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:29,396
find out?

369
00:13:30,754 --> 00:13:32,673
And I was like, I need to say

370
00:13:32,673 --> 00:13:34,351
something, but then in my brain, my brain

371
00:13:34,351 --> 00:13:36,596
goes, you know what you're potentially... Doing to

372
00:13:36,596 --> 00:13:38,261
yourself if you admit. And I'm like, yeah,

373
00:13:38,816 --> 00:13:39,316
But

374
00:13:40,481 --> 00:13:42,543
if I don't, and he figures it out,

375
00:13:42,781 --> 00:13:44,468
1 or 2 things my mind is gonna

376
00:13:44,468 --> 00:13:46,306
happen. And maybe there's a mysterious third thing

377
00:13:46,386 --> 00:13:48,564
I didn't think of. But it was either

378
00:13:49,103 --> 00:13:50,941
you were gonna give me shit for having

379
00:13:50,941 --> 00:13:52,630
forgotten and then whatever was gonna... Was gonna

380
00:13:52,630 --> 00:13:54,219
happen. And I don't I don't like that.

381
00:13:54,457 --> 00:13:56,205
I don't like that feeling of feeling called

382
00:13:56,205 --> 00:13:56,840
out. That's a

383
00:13:57,635 --> 00:13:59,223
Or you were gonna be, like, why didn't

384
00:13:59,223 --> 00:14:01,448
you tell me you hadn't done this? And

385
00:14:01,448 --> 00:14:03,935
then now talking about how I just didn't

386
00:14:03,935 --> 00:14:05,771
admit something and I didn't like that feeling

387
00:14:05,771 --> 00:14:06,171
and.

388
00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:08,805
Now, why is this matter in our power

389
00:14:08,805 --> 00:14:11,495
exchange Because in our power exchange, we were

390
00:14:11,773 --> 00:14:13,925
there are... There's positive reinforcement.

391
00:14:14,483 --> 00:14:16,737
And there are consequences. There's punishment.

392
00:14:17,751 --> 00:14:20,234
And I knew that I just fucking telling

393
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,615
you I could have been setting myself up

394
00:14:22,615 --> 00:14:23,115
for

395
00:14:23,647 --> 00:14:25,790
a consequence that I was not gonna love

396
00:14:25,790 --> 00:14:28,251
that I actively seek to avoid. Yeah.

397
00:14:29,144 --> 00:14:31,141
But when I thought about how it could

398
00:14:31,141 --> 00:14:33,218
go if I didn't say something. I was

399
00:14:33,218 --> 00:14:35,455
like, I don't like those either. So the

400
00:14:35,455 --> 00:14:37,773
what I did. I'm like, okay. I'm probably

401
00:14:37,773 --> 00:14:38,511
a dumbass

402
00:14:39,361 --> 00:14:40,631
for even admitting this.

403
00:14:42,458 --> 00:14:44,522
But here, you know, go look. I forgot.

404
00:14:44,602 --> 00:14:46,365
Right? And I just admitted it. Now what

405
00:14:46,524 --> 00:14:49,387
I've gotten better about just over my lifetime,

406
00:14:49,625 --> 00:14:51,159
not even our relationship

407
00:14:51,613 --> 00:14:53,044
is I just own it, and I go,

408
00:14:53,203 --> 00:14:55,284
oh, I am. I am. And sorry. I

409
00:14:55,284 --> 00:14:57,426
fucked up. I I can... And we did

410
00:14:57,426 --> 00:14:59,965
get into the reasons why I always can

411
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:01,631
give the context of what the hell happened,

412
00:15:01,790 --> 00:15:03,711
how I screwed up. What But I have

413
00:15:03,711 --> 00:15:05,382
learned that most people don't wanna hear that

414
00:15:05,382 --> 00:15:05,621
first.

415
00:15:06,417 --> 00:15:08,486
Those get called excuses, and then I get

416
00:15:08,486 --> 00:15:10,476
angry because it's like actually no. It's just

417
00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:12,889
vital. Information, so you could know. I wasn't

418
00:15:12,889 --> 00:15:16,009
just dick around. There was actually like reasons.

419
00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:16,410
Right?

420
00:15:17,290 --> 00:15:18,889
I've learned my lesson so I don't start

421
00:15:18,889 --> 00:15:21,058
there. I start with I am so sorry.

422
00:15:21,615 --> 00:15:23,446
I know Was supposed to do this, I

423
00:15:23,446 --> 00:15:26,174
fucked up once I get, like, the visual

424
00:15:26,390 --> 00:15:28,156
confirmation that he's accepted that then I could

425
00:15:28,156 --> 00:15:29,826
go, okay, but here's what I think happened.

426
00:15:30,939 --> 00:15:32,870
I could call it as a contest.

427
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,521
That's not the first time. That No. That

428
00:15:36,601 --> 00:15:38,353
I've... That... That's something like that has happened.

429
00:15:38,513 --> 00:15:40,265
And I've been the 1 to admit it.

430
00:15:40,504 --> 00:15:42,496
When when we were... Oh, you do remember.

431
00:15:42,735 --> 00:15:44,568
Oh, yeah. When when we were

432
00:15:45,619 --> 00:15:46,337
seeing each other.

433
00:15:47,932 --> 00:15:49,527
I had gifted you a piece of jewelry.

434
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:52,239
And

435
00:15:53,834 --> 00:15:54,813
you would

436
00:15:55,763 --> 00:15:58,234
You you were at that time still... You

437
00:15:58,234 --> 00:16:00,249
were going to a gym. Mh. You're working

438
00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:01,503
gym I was working my big girl job

439
00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:02,539
and I go to the gym on my

440
00:16:02,539 --> 00:16:03,257
lunch break. Mh.

441
00:16:04,069 --> 00:16:04,387
And

442
00:16:06,060 --> 00:16:06,538
you left,

443
00:16:07,813 --> 00:16:09,486
said piece of do. Yeah. I took it

444
00:16:09,486 --> 00:16:11,158
off. Yeah. I don't think I ever took

445
00:16:11,158 --> 00:16:12,433
it off again after this.

446
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:14,679
And

447
00:16:15,316 --> 00:16:17,307
yeah, you did remember. You went back. You

448
00:16:17,307 --> 00:16:18,980
were able to get it and everything, but

449
00:16:18,980 --> 00:16:19,458
you still...

450
00:16:20,589 --> 00:16:21,943
Told me about it. I know And I

451
00:16:21,943 --> 00:16:23,855
was, like, almost in tears. Now here's what's...

452
00:16:24,174 --> 00:16:25,768
Here's where I know part of that's the

453
00:16:25,768 --> 00:16:27,520
the trauma. That's my childhood.

454
00:16:28,252 --> 00:16:30,642
Because even though I had fixed it.

455
00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:33,828
I still... And see I had people around

456
00:16:33,828 --> 00:16:35,501
me, and I still know people today who

457
00:16:35,501 --> 00:16:36,058
would be like, well,

458
00:16:37,029 --> 00:16:39,267
There was no harm, no foul. Mh. Like,

459
00:16:39,746 --> 00:16:42,963
you lost it briefly. You got it back

460
00:16:43,022 --> 00:16:44,700
almost to immediately. Like, thankfully, I worked in

461
00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:46,154
an office when they... Saw my face of.

462
00:16:46,795 --> 00:16:48,315
Man I love gave me this piece of

463
00:16:48,315 --> 00:16:49,595
joy, like I couldn't tell him it was

464
00:16:49,595 --> 00:16:50,795
my collar, y'all.

465
00:16:52,795 --> 00:16:54,409
Man, I love gave me this piece, and

466
00:16:54,489 --> 00:16:56,087
I took it off and, they were like,

467
00:16:56,247 --> 00:16:57,446
go, because the gym was like right on

468
00:16:57,446 --> 00:16:59,763
the corner. Go. Right? And so In in

469
00:16:59,763 --> 00:17:01,282
my office going, oh my god. God. I

470
00:17:01,282 --> 00:17:03,140
feel like I need to tell him. And

471
00:17:03,534 --> 00:17:05,852
you know, the the non Kingston, the non

472
00:17:05,852 --> 00:17:08,249
power exchange folk were like, why? You... It's

473
00:17:08,249 --> 00:17:09,688
not like you need to admit that a

474
00:17:09,688 --> 00:17:12,585
thing is lost. You got it back. Everything's

475
00:17:12,739 --> 00:17:13,215
fine. I'm like,

476
00:17:14,010 --> 00:17:16,234
no. It's important that I tell him. And

477
00:17:16,234 --> 00:17:18,299
it... And I still contend now They've been

478
00:17:18,299 --> 00:17:19,967
reminded at the moment. It was important to

479
00:17:19,967 --> 00:17:22,112
tell it was part of the building of

480
00:17:22,112 --> 00:17:22,484
the

481
00:17:23,404 --> 00:17:24,924
communication between us to be able to talk

482
00:17:24,924 --> 00:17:27,265
about things that aren't so great, but also

483
00:17:27,404 --> 00:17:29,424
my personal sense of integrity,

484
00:17:30,378 --> 00:17:32,611
is to just admit shit and let's talk

485
00:17:32,611 --> 00:17:34,126
about it because it was a moment that

486
00:17:34,126 --> 00:17:36,358
had me in my feels and the person

487
00:17:36,438 --> 00:17:38,033
I wanted to talk to about how I

488
00:17:38,033 --> 00:17:38,772
was feeling

489
00:17:39,324 --> 00:17:40,681
was the person that other people were like,

490
00:17:40,761 --> 00:17:41,878
you don't have to tell them Like, but

491
00:17:41,878 --> 00:17:44,055
then how do I complain about I'm.

492
00:17:46,508 --> 00:17:47,008
So

493
00:17:48,757 --> 00:17:50,751
Yeah. So I do... And I remember you

494
00:17:50,751 --> 00:17:52,905
kinda being, like, what I like about that

495
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,979
moment now that you've dropped my memory. Is

496
00:17:54,979 --> 00:17:57,233
that you were very sensitive to my

497
00:17:58,183 --> 00:17:58,422
like,

498
00:17:59,058 --> 00:18:02,320
my an over it. Even though you understood

499
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,547
that it's been it's been sorted. It's fixed

500
00:18:04,547 --> 00:18:06,868
now. A deep breath. Right? Yeah. But you

501
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,776
never made me feel silly for that. You

502
00:18:08,776 --> 00:18:09,888
were... You just sort of went,

503
00:18:10,604 --> 00:18:12,273
okay. How are you feeling And what will

504
00:18:12,273 --> 00:18:14,261
you do different next time and, like, it

505
00:18:14,340 --> 00:18:16,266
I absolutely like just mel it in with

506
00:18:16,266 --> 00:18:18,257
our power exchange that we were sort building

507
00:18:18,257 --> 00:18:20,008
at that point. Yeah. Where I had a

508
00:18:20,008 --> 00:18:21,999
problem and it it made me feel very

509
00:18:21,999 --> 00:18:23,844
big feelings, and I went to my daddy

510
00:18:24,003 --> 00:18:24,401
Tom and went...

511
00:18:25,275 --> 00:18:28,059
I'm having big feelings right now. Right? Because

512
00:18:28,138 --> 00:18:29,490
I think we had had the agreement that

513
00:18:29,569 --> 00:18:31,398
I would not take it off, but something

514
00:18:31,398 --> 00:18:32,671
about being at the gym I've gone like,

515
00:18:33,004 --> 00:18:34,997
got... I just got taken off. Because it

516
00:18:34,997 --> 00:18:36,670
was it was a necklace. It was not

517
00:18:36,670 --> 00:18:38,982
a collar, like, with a lock. Y'all. He

518
00:18:38,982 --> 00:18:40,655
had Mh. Purchased it, send it to me.

519
00:18:41,548 --> 00:18:43,145
You know, was a great thing, and I

520
00:18:43,145 --> 00:18:45,220
turned it into what essentially became my collar.

521
00:18:46,497 --> 00:18:49,690
But, yeah. And I I am... I'm like

522
00:18:49,690 --> 00:18:51,061
this out outside of power change to me,

523
00:18:51,141 --> 00:18:52,657
this is not just a power exchange thing.

524
00:18:53,135 --> 00:18:55,049
Not because I'm some great human being or

525
00:18:55,049 --> 00:18:56,645
a fucking saint or whatever.

526
00:18:57,203 --> 00:18:59,277
Sometimes, maybe I am a dumbass. I mean,

527
00:18:59,356 --> 00:19:02,566
maybe I I tell the truth when I

528
00:19:02,566 --> 00:19:05,443
don't have to, but my experience in life

529
00:19:05,443 --> 00:19:07,600
has been from very young age.

530
00:19:08,568 --> 00:19:10,709
That I am the person who will get

531
00:19:10,709 --> 00:19:12,691
caught. I don't know if it's because I

532
00:19:12,691 --> 00:19:14,833
got a face where I can't Out hide

533
00:19:14,833 --> 00:19:15,308
shit well.

534
00:19:15,959 --> 00:19:17,557
I'm sure I'm not a very good liar.

535
00:19:17,877 --> 00:19:20,433
I am sweating bullets when I am even

536
00:19:20,433 --> 00:19:22,431
a lie of o mission. I'm... My shorts

537
00:19:22,431 --> 00:19:24,675
practically wet. Because I'm like, with sweat. I'm

538
00:19:24,675 --> 00:19:26,422
like you know that I'm not telling you

539
00:19:26,422 --> 00:19:26,922
everything.

540
00:19:28,406 --> 00:19:29,621
But I've always gotten

541
00:19:30,152 --> 00:19:32,398
the fallout from either

542
00:19:32,709 --> 00:19:35,503
lying and then getting caught or the live

543
00:19:35,503 --> 00:19:37,260
o mission where I just went,

544
00:19:38,138 --> 00:19:40,554
and and it being found out was always

545
00:19:41,252 --> 00:19:44,054
such an awful feeling Mh. That I came...

546
00:19:44,293 --> 00:19:46,122
I hit a point in life at some

547
00:19:46,122 --> 00:19:47,157
point or it's like,

548
00:19:47,952 --> 00:19:50,674
it's difficult and I do sometimes struggle with

549
00:19:50,674 --> 00:19:52,666
those moments are like, do I fucking admit

550
00:19:52,666 --> 00:19:53,064
this thing.

551
00:19:55,455 --> 00:19:57,845
But at least for me, it's like, I

552
00:19:57,845 --> 00:19:59,174
walk away going. I don't have to worry

553
00:19:59,294 --> 00:20:01,677
that I'm trying not to say something because

554
00:20:01,836 --> 00:20:02,710
I just fucking said it.

555
00:20:03,505 --> 00:20:05,094
Many times as an adult, though,

556
00:20:06,365 --> 00:20:07,930
these little moments where it felt like that

557
00:20:08,288 --> 00:20:10,039
felt big in my mind. I should say

558
00:20:10,039 --> 00:20:13,065
something, come to find out. Nobody fucking gave

559
00:20:13,065 --> 00:20:14,737
a shit, and I could just not said

560
00:20:14,737 --> 00:20:15,215
anything.

561
00:20:15,772 --> 00:20:17,773
But I don't I haven't changed my ways.

562
00:20:18,011 --> 00:20:20,574
I just really funnel it into

563
00:20:22,217 --> 00:20:25,253
you in our shit. It's like true. My

564
00:20:25,253 --> 00:20:27,165
thing now is and I still don't I

565
00:20:27,165 --> 00:20:28,600
don't like a lie of o mission either.

566
00:20:28,759 --> 00:20:30,592
I don't like anything that makes me feel

567
00:20:30,592 --> 00:20:32,743
dishonest, and let me be clear here. I

568
00:20:32,743 --> 00:20:34,432
don't I don't care what you do. Like,

569
00:20:34,512 --> 00:20:36,745
if if you're listening to me going god,

570
00:20:36,984 --> 00:20:39,776
that's ridiculous stupid. That's fine. Like, I'm not

571
00:20:39,776 --> 00:20:41,531
here to tell anybody how they have to

572
00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:43,579
move through the world. I just know how

573
00:20:43,778 --> 00:20:44,575
I moved through the world,

574
00:20:45,451 --> 00:20:47,841
and I don't think I'm better at anything

575
00:20:47,841 --> 00:20:49,752
or goodies... Like, I don't I don't think

576
00:20:49,832 --> 00:20:51,744
I'm like, a righteous person because of it.

577
00:20:51,983 --> 00:20:53,532
I know that the

578
00:20:53,985 --> 00:20:55,811
agony of going do I say something Do

579
00:20:55,811 --> 00:20:57,637
I not say something. Am I dumbass if

580
00:20:57,796 --> 00:20:59,463
I say something? Is it the right... Like,

581
00:20:59,701 --> 00:21:02,679
that kind of inter struggle. Oh, it sucks

582
00:21:02,815 --> 00:21:04,803
not telling anybody that I think they should

583
00:21:04,803 --> 00:21:05,621
go through

584
00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:10,089
But I'm in power exchange

585
00:21:11,102 --> 00:21:12,398
from the very beginning

586
00:21:12,773 --> 00:21:14,923
when we were long distance. Mh. The few

587
00:21:14,923 --> 00:21:16,139
times I had consequences

588
00:21:16,769 --> 00:21:19,009
while we were long distances because I told

589
00:21:19,009 --> 00:21:19,330
you,

590
00:21:19,970 --> 00:21:21,250
that I did a thing or didn't do

591
00:21:21,250 --> 00:21:22,630
a thing. Mh. When

592
00:21:22,930 --> 00:21:25,740
you might never if fucking known if I

593
00:21:25,740 --> 00:21:29,089
hadn't set anything. Unless you directly asked me

594
00:21:29,089 --> 00:21:30,604
and put me in that position to have

595
00:21:30,604 --> 00:21:32,039
to tell you 1 way or the other,

596
00:21:32,518 --> 00:21:34,767
you would never have known. And I'm over

597
00:21:34,767 --> 00:21:36,442
here going, I have something I need to

598
00:21:36,442 --> 00:21:36,841
tell you.

599
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:38,538
Now I'm curious

600
00:21:38,996 --> 00:21:40,592
before we get into my personal eyes and

601
00:21:40,592 --> 00:21:41,684
where forced? Her

602
00:21:42,682 --> 00:21:44,218
when over the years?

603
00:21:44,914 --> 00:21:46,372
I have told you something

604
00:21:46,908 --> 00:21:47,408
that

605
00:21:48,424 --> 00:21:51,237
you wouldn't know known otherwise. Right? Or

606
00:21:51,629 --> 00:21:52,129
that

607
00:21:52,668 --> 00:21:54,426
I came to you feeling like a... I'm

608
00:21:54,426 --> 00:21:55,806
doing a confession

609
00:21:56,424 --> 00:21:56,664
situation.

610
00:21:57,304 --> 00:21:59,062
Like, we're... Like, it's a religious thing or

611
00:21:59,062 --> 00:22:00,580
something like, oh, I have to tell you

612
00:22:00,580 --> 00:22:01,355
this thing. And

613
00:22:02,107 --> 00:22:03,613
And really, in your maybe in your mind,

614
00:22:03,771 --> 00:22:05,039
it wasn't that big of a deal or

615
00:22:05,197 --> 00:22:07,653
I could... Like, it was fine if I

616
00:22:07,653 --> 00:22:10,207
hadn't told... You. I told you really to

617
00:22:10,207 --> 00:22:12,192
my own detriment air code detriment.

618
00:22:12,906 --> 00:22:15,288
How do you feel about that? What is...

619
00:22:15,447 --> 00:22:17,432
Is that... Like, what's that like from your

620
00:22:17,432 --> 00:22:18,161
first active.

621
00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:23,721
You know, there there are are some things

622
00:22:23,721 --> 00:22:24,618
that are

623
00:22:25,945 --> 00:22:26,000
active

624
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,319
I... I mean, kinda like with the with

625
00:22:29,319 --> 00:22:30,759
with the necklace with the jewelry.

626
00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:35,650
You know, I was kinda like,

627
00:22:37,322 --> 00:22:37,720
why?

628
00:22:41,702 --> 00:22:43,295
You thankfully that was not...

629
00:22:44,027 --> 00:22:46,177
Reaction? No. It wasn't me it wasn't it

630
00:22:46,177 --> 00:22:47,212
wasn't. It wasn't.

631
00:22:48,964 --> 00:22:49,521
And yet,

632
00:22:50,317 --> 00:22:51,432
at the same time,

633
00:22:53,673 --> 00:22:55,127
early on at that time

634
00:22:56,694 --> 00:22:57,091
with us.

635
00:22:58,681 --> 00:23:00,611
I was like, okay. She's being

636
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,039
forthright with me. Go. Yeah. I'll definitely tell

637
00:23:04,039 --> 00:23:04,759
you the truth. Yeah.

638
00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:07,720
So... Even shit, you don't need to know

639
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,295
about. Mh. You will know

640
00:23:09,970 --> 00:23:11,955
So, you know, that that was something for

641
00:23:11,955 --> 00:23:13,566
me that was a actually

642
00:23:14,813 --> 00:23:16,957
a good thing. Mh. A good thing.

643
00:23:17,928 --> 00:23:20,643
And to to a certain extent, I still

644
00:23:20,643 --> 00:23:21,521
think it's a good thing,

645
00:23:23,676 --> 00:23:25,273
more than not, actually,

646
00:23:26,631 --> 00:23:27,131
because

647
00:23:28,322 --> 00:23:29,620
you know, especially

648
00:23:31,115 --> 00:23:31,514
lately,

649
00:23:33,829 --> 00:23:35,799
probably shouldn't say this because this be

650
00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:38,320
But, you know, I me. You'll be fine.

651
00:23:39,039 --> 00:23:40,400
I know where you're going. You'll be fine.

652
00:23:40,799 --> 00:23:41,600
III

653
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:45,039
miss things. Mh. Right now, you know, juggling

654
00:23:45,039 --> 00:23:46,093
so many plate.

655
00:23:50,881 --> 00:23:52,716
Or you could spend those twins Whatever you'd

656
00:23:52,716 --> 00:23:54,561
like to... Ugly white.

657
00:23:56,469 --> 00:23:57,820
Nice say you throw them on the ground.

658
00:23:58,138 --> 00:23:58,638
Yeah

659
00:23:59,490 --> 00:23:59,967
Anyway, go ahead.

660
00:24:00,762 --> 00:24:02,534
Anyway, you know, yeah. So

661
00:24:02,923 --> 00:24:04,989
Sometimes there there are things that I miss.

662
00:24:05,386 --> 00:24:08,246
So, you know, it... It's good that you're

663
00:24:08,246 --> 00:24:10,390
bet honest in that much. And I'm curious

664
00:24:10,390 --> 00:24:10,788
when I.

665
00:24:11,839 --> 00:24:12,339
Confessed

666
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:14,960
that there were the cr up sheets, they

667
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,799
did immediately he, like, by the time he

668
00:24:16,799 --> 00:24:18,160
got out of the bathroom they. They were

669
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:19,920
filled... They were done. I didn't even hesitate.

670
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:23,118
Yeah. But do you think that you would

671
00:24:23,118 --> 00:24:25,658
have clocked it, recognized it realized it at

672
00:24:25,658 --> 00:24:27,324
any point? Probably not at that moment.

673
00:24:28,689 --> 00:24:30,365
I know. And that was the war within

674
00:24:30,365 --> 00:24:32,120
myself. I'm like, I know I've noticed it,

675
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:33,737
but he hasn't said anything.

676
00:24:34,833 --> 00:24:35,311
Do I...

677
00:24:36,204 --> 00:24:37,805
From me. And again, I...

678
00:24:38,444 --> 00:24:39,884
And see that that was another 1 of

679
00:24:39,884 --> 00:24:42,125
those things. We had so much going on

680
00:24:42,125 --> 00:24:44,125
that weekend. And the lesson learned, I was

681
00:24:44,125 --> 00:24:46,210
like, look, I'll do whatever you want, but

682
00:24:46,290 --> 00:24:48,597
I know me. I think the lesson here

683
00:24:48,597 --> 00:24:51,143
is don't throw out a task me, make

684
00:24:51,143 --> 00:24:53,386
sure you have I you I have... You

685
00:24:53,386 --> 00:24:54,898
have my full attention. I'm looking you in

686
00:24:54,898 --> 00:24:55,216
the eyes.

687
00:24:56,011 --> 00:24:57,364
It's that kind of... And it was 1

688
00:24:57,364 --> 00:24:59,114
of those... You'd thrown it out. I go,

689
00:24:59,592 --> 00:25:01,199
okay. And... But it was in the... The

690
00:25:01,199 --> 00:25:03,753
rest all of this I had... III had

691
00:25:03,753 --> 00:25:06,707
your attention. I had everybody else's attention. It's

692
00:25:06,707 --> 00:25:09,740
recorded on video and audio. You know how

693
00:25:09,740 --> 00:25:12,067
we it and talk about past. And that

694
00:25:12,067 --> 00:25:13,502
was... And it wasn't like I was like,

695
00:25:13,661 --> 00:25:15,096
oh, this is not my fault because I

696
00:25:15,096 --> 00:25:15,813
was just like, hey,

697
00:25:16,530 --> 00:25:17,668
in the future

698
00:25:18,045 --> 00:25:19,569
didn't because I don't like to forget shit

699
00:25:19,569 --> 00:25:20,443
you asked me to do.

700
00:25:21,317 --> 00:25:21,953
I... You know,

701
00:25:22,827 --> 00:25:24,122
I mean, I I guess

702
00:25:24,575 --> 00:25:26,482
with with this and I and I understand.

703
00:25:26,974 --> 00:25:28,567
A lot of. I I think the thing

704
00:25:28,567 --> 00:25:29,067
that

705
00:25:29,522 --> 00:25:29,920
kind of,

706
00:25:30,796 --> 00:25:31,774
I'm I'm not

707
00:25:32,150 --> 00:25:33,345
E is the wrong word.

708
00:25:35,749 --> 00:25:38,058
It it doesn't sit right with me that

709
00:25:38,058 --> 00:25:39,332
it radical.

710
00:25:39,969 --> 00:25:43,075
I. Honestly. Oh, I Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

711
00:25:43,393 --> 00:25:45,897
Because of what you... You would normally,

712
00:25:47,463 --> 00:25:50,483
you know, put with the associate with a

713
00:25:50,483 --> 00:25:52,628
word, like, radical. Right. Okay?

714
00:25:53,439 --> 00:25:54,238
So, you know,

715
00:25:55,436 --> 00:25:57,514
radical I mean, you, you know, and and

716
00:25:57,594 --> 00:25:58,972
I'm thinking about it as

717
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,580
honesty is is a good thing regardless. Oh,

718
00:26:03,739 --> 00:26:05,643
yeah. It's a it's a net good. I

719
00:26:05,643 --> 00:26:07,230
mean, other moments where it's gonna, like, kick

720
00:26:07,230 --> 00:26:09,389
your ass sure, but it's a net. You

721
00:26:09,389 --> 00:26:11,323
know, and and I think a good

722
00:26:12,018 --> 00:26:12,917
part of,

723
00:26:13,373 --> 00:26:15,467
you know, being in in the Bd,

724
00:26:17,294 --> 00:26:20,348
community in world and and living that lifestyle

725
00:26:22,403 --> 00:26:25,117
on that that kind of honesty is important.

726
00:26:25,596 --> 00:26:27,519
I think so. I mean, because of, you

727
00:26:27,519 --> 00:26:29,500
know, trust, a a lot of things go

728
00:26:29,500 --> 00:26:33,463
into developing trust among partners and in situations.

729
00:26:33,780 --> 00:26:34,692
I and

730
00:26:35,147 --> 00:26:37,772
being able to be honest about the things

731
00:26:37,772 --> 00:26:39,783
that matter. And that for me is always,

732
00:26:40,238 --> 00:26:42,963
like, it general, the way I personally wanna

733
00:26:42,963 --> 00:26:45,594
try and live my life is that. 99

734
00:26:45,594 --> 00:26:47,747
point 999999

735
00:26:47,747 --> 00:26:48,943
percent of the time. I'm just gonna be

736
00:26:48,943 --> 00:26:50,059
honest because then I don't have to try

737
00:26:50,059 --> 00:26:52,312
to remember a false because I won't. Mh.

738
00:26:52,552 --> 00:26:53,831
I don't have to be nervous about what

739
00:26:53,911 --> 00:26:55,189
I may or may not have said.

740
00:26:55,988 --> 00:26:57,906
But, you know, the reality is some white

741
00:26:57,906 --> 00:27:01,997
lies, there... It's not awful in some situations

742
00:27:01,997 --> 00:27:04,234
right now. Yeah. Everybody's gauge of those is

743
00:27:04,234 --> 00:27:04,394
different.

744
00:27:05,352 --> 00:27:07,371
Mine is 1 time

745
00:27:07,684 --> 00:27:10,416
in the oldest high school career, did I

746
00:27:11,191 --> 00:27:11,691
tell

747
00:27:12,147 --> 00:27:14,959
the attendance office he needed to check out

748
00:27:15,335 --> 00:27:17,266
for an appointment that he technically had, but

749
00:27:17,266 --> 00:27:18,703
he didn't need to check out for because

750
00:27:18,783 --> 00:27:20,060
I was like, I'll get you out of

751
00:27:20,060 --> 00:27:21,817
school for this day, but I cannot tell

752
00:27:21,817 --> 00:27:24,052
a full blatantly lie. I'm not capable of

753
00:27:24,132 --> 00:27:26,700
Right? Mh. Like or, you know,

754
00:27:28,294 --> 00:27:31,005
not telling somebody that you think that their

755
00:27:31,005 --> 00:27:33,955
hair is hideous. Like, that's an opinion, and

756
00:27:33,955 --> 00:27:35,804
you don't have to be that kind radically

757
00:27:35,804 --> 00:27:38,356
honestly. It's kinda like hurt somebody's feelings and

758
00:27:38,356 --> 00:27:39,871
there's nothing they can do about it. Like,

759
00:27:39,951 --> 00:27:40,451
there's

760
00:27:40,828 --> 00:27:43,061
there's all these ways that, you know, okay.

761
00:27:44,112 --> 00:27:44,612
But,

762
00:27:45,307 --> 00:27:45,705
you know,

763
00:27:46,741 --> 00:27:49,790
the idea of the way I handle

764
00:27:50,964 --> 00:27:52,898
telling newt of not lying

765
00:27:53,289 --> 00:27:55,601
and just saying hard things, It is...

766
00:27:56,399 --> 00:27:59,131
It's integral for me to who I am

767
00:27:59,907 --> 00:28:02,194
to be trustworthy. And I think that's

768
00:28:02,871 --> 00:28:04,384
part of... I mean, part of the reason

769
00:28:04,543 --> 00:28:06,772
I have such trust uses because the enough

770
00:28:06,772 --> 00:28:08,683
people on the planet are shit your beings

771
00:28:08,683 --> 00:28:10,608
and I've had people have given me a

772
00:28:10,608 --> 00:28:12,279
reason to have trust issues.

773
00:28:13,075 --> 00:28:15,961
Also, I'm not stupid. I know that not

774
00:28:16,097 --> 00:28:18,563
everybody tells the truth at the level that

775
00:28:18,722 --> 00:28:20,252
I tend the tell the truth I will

776
00:28:20,252 --> 00:28:21,610
tell you all of the small things to

777
00:28:21,610 --> 00:28:23,286
the point you wish I wouldn't tell you

778
00:28:23,286 --> 00:28:24,803
some of these things. Right? It's too much.

779
00:28:25,043 --> 00:28:25,282
Yeah.

780
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:28,955
But for me to be trusted by somebody

781
00:28:29,035 --> 00:28:31,829
I care about is 1 of the most

782
00:28:31,829 --> 00:28:33,838
important things to me. Mh. And

783
00:28:34,212 --> 00:28:36,039
to not be walking around sweating,

784
00:28:36,754 --> 00:28:37,889
did I remember

785
00:28:38,994 --> 00:28:41,072
to say, you know, what... What's the story

786
00:28:41,072 --> 00:28:43,549
on this and or to not be caught

787
00:28:43,549 --> 00:28:45,547
out and to be found out. Like, that's

788
00:28:45,547 --> 00:28:47,865
not a conversation I'm gonna ever fucking have

789
00:28:47,865 --> 00:28:50,348
with you. Of why didn't you tell me

790
00:28:50,348 --> 00:28:52,735
this? Why did you tell me something that

791
00:28:52,735 --> 00:28:54,428
was not true because

792
00:28:55,534 --> 00:28:57,529
You know, for some people, it takes a

793
00:28:57,529 --> 00:29:00,002
lot to break trust. For others, not so

794
00:29:00,002 --> 00:29:02,077
much. Right. I'm am a not so much

795
00:29:02,077 --> 00:29:02,636
kind of gal.

796
00:29:03,209 --> 00:29:05,283
And so I'm gonna treat the people that

797
00:29:05,442 --> 00:29:07,596
I want to be trustworthy too the same

798
00:29:07,596 --> 00:29:09,851
way of, I'm not gonna give you reasons

799
00:29:09,909 --> 00:29:11,584
to not trust me. I'm not gonna give

800
00:29:11,584 --> 00:29:13,593
you reasons to doubt my work. Kinda like

801
00:29:13,593 --> 00:29:15,050
the the the the

802
00:29:17,182 --> 00:29:18,378
treat me meat like, I would treat you

803
00:29:18,378 --> 00:29:20,691
kind of thing. Sort of yeah. But also,

804
00:29:20,930 --> 00:29:22,206
when I think of it in terms of

805
00:29:22,206 --> 00:29:22,366
the...

806
00:29:24,534 --> 00:29:25,970
Power exchange element.

807
00:29:27,724 --> 00:29:29,957
I don't I don't... I'm not saying anybody

808
00:29:29,957 --> 00:29:31,632
else would ever feel this way that there's

809
00:29:31,712 --> 00:29:33,403
Mh. That anybody else has to feels are

810
00:29:33,403 --> 00:29:34,919
like, us, I'm not hitting any of that.

811
00:29:35,638 --> 00:29:36,915
But quite frankly,

812
00:29:37,554 --> 00:29:40,768
probably little else makes me feel as submissive

813
00:29:41,146 --> 00:29:42,619
as coming you

814
00:29:43,314 --> 00:29:45,705
telling you a thing that I know could

815
00:29:45,705 --> 00:29:48,733
have consequences I don't like and knowing that

816
00:29:48,733 --> 00:29:49,472
not only

817
00:29:49,944 --> 00:29:52,359
am I admitting my own wrongdoing.

818
00:29:52,896 --> 00:29:55,689
Right. I didn't do that task. I forgot

819
00:29:55,689 --> 00:29:57,205
this thing, Like, whatever it is.

820
00:29:57,937 --> 00:29:59,130
I'm putting myself...

821
00:30:01,278 --> 00:30:03,028
This is a little a little bit hyper,

822
00:30:03,187 --> 00:30:04,300
but kind of at your nurse.

823
00:30:04,951 --> 00:30:06,302
But you're gonna do what you're gonna do

824
00:30:06,302 --> 00:30:08,050
within the combines of our power exchange, and

825
00:30:08,209 --> 00:30:10,434
I know what those things could be,

826
00:30:11,309 --> 00:30:13,868
and the power exchange being your teeth this

827
00:30:13,868 --> 00:30:15,564
been being submissive to you

828
00:30:16,181 --> 00:30:16,681
is

829
00:30:17,058 --> 00:30:18,993
so important to me. And

830
00:30:20,088 --> 00:30:20,726
and I...

831
00:30:21,444 --> 00:30:24,335
And doing that. Going oh, look what I

832
00:30:24,335 --> 00:30:25,534
forgot to do. I don't know what you're

833
00:30:25,534 --> 00:30:27,054
gonna do about it. But look what I

834
00:30:27,054 --> 00:30:27,454
forgot to do.

835
00:30:29,134 --> 00:30:31,470
Almost nothing make me fulfilled more submissive than

836
00:30:31,470 --> 00:30:33,710
that because I'm genuinely out of control at

837
00:30:33,710 --> 00:30:35,230
that point. You have the control you of

838
00:30:35,230 --> 00:30:37,149
the power, you get to decide what happens

839
00:30:37,149 --> 00:30:39,605
next, and not in the fun happy. It's

840
00:30:39,883 --> 00:30:41,792
make me feel good kinda way in the

841
00:30:41,792 --> 00:30:44,122
way that it's like, oh, here is a

842
00:30:44,338 --> 00:30:44,838
clear

843
00:30:45,373 --> 00:30:45,873
reminder

844
00:30:46,327 --> 00:30:50,185
of the... Actual power exchange. Right? Mh. And

845
00:30:50,321 --> 00:30:53,027
I don't I don't seek out consequences. I'm

846
00:30:53,027 --> 00:30:55,494
not a fur a girl. I'm I want

847
00:30:55,494 --> 00:30:57,182
to be a good girl all the time

848
00:30:57,182 --> 00:30:57,661
sassy.

849
00:30:58,139 --> 00:31:00,612
Sure. I think I'm funny. And I like

850
00:31:00,612 --> 00:31:01,170
to be funny.

851
00:31:02,367 --> 00:31:04,042
What but at the end of the day,

852
00:31:04,281 --> 00:31:07,170
I just wanna be your good girl.

853
00:31:07,809 --> 00:31:08,309
And,

854
00:31:09,250 --> 00:31:09,650
you know,

855
00:31:10,529 --> 00:31:12,930
to not be that and for you to

856
00:31:12,930 --> 00:31:14,609
know that I don't want it to be

857
00:31:14,609 --> 00:31:17,742
a disappointment thing. And what I imagine would

858
00:31:17,742 --> 00:31:19,260
happen. And I don't know if that would

859
00:31:19,260 --> 00:31:20,778
happen because this never happened because I don't

860
00:31:20,778 --> 00:31:22,696
wanna to get that far is if you

861
00:31:22,696 --> 00:31:24,468
found out about a thing that didn't tell

862
00:31:24,468 --> 00:31:26,463
you about you know as well as I

863
00:31:26,463 --> 00:31:29,175
do, I would known. I hadn't done a

864
00:31:29,175 --> 00:31:29,335
thing.

865
00:31:30,372 --> 00:31:33,419
Before you ever... Right? Mh. I might... It

866
00:31:33,419 --> 00:31:35,015
might have taken me a minute, but you

867
00:31:35,015 --> 00:31:37,329
would have known in any circumstance. It's not

868
00:31:37,329 --> 00:31:40,451
just the last week anytime time. Because by

869
00:31:40,451 --> 00:31:42,460
the time you figured out I had done

870
00:31:42,834 --> 00:31:45,058
and had to come to me and say

871
00:31:45,058 --> 00:31:45,534
something.

872
00:31:46,090 --> 00:31:48,234
In your heart hurts, you know I knew

873
00:31:48,234 --> 00:31:49,523
before you got time me. Right?

874
00:31:50,481 --> 00:31:52,876
I don't wanna see the disappointment on your

875
00:31:52,876 --> 00:31:54,712
face. That's... 00I

876
00:31:54,712 --> 00:31:54,792
don't...

877
00:31:55,670 --> 00:31:58,006
I'd rather make you mad than disappoint you

878
00:31:58,145 --> 00:31:59,352
to I don't wanna make you back.

879
00:32:00,226 --> 00:32:01,815
Again, that's the child of trauma.

880
00:32:03,801 --> 00:32:05,804
And so I just... I'd rather just... Let's

881
00:32:05,804 --> 00:32:06,845
get it out there in the open.

882
00:32:07,724 --> 00:32:08,284
I don't know...

883
00:32:09,565 --> 00:32:11,244
I am not trying to test my luck

884
00:32:11,244 --> 00:32:11,484
here.

885
00:32:12,125 --> 00:32:13,644
I don't know what's gonna happen with this

886
00:32:13,644 --> 00:32:15,419
is over, but I will and it. When

887
00:32:15,579 --> 00:32:18,055
I just told you and apologize. Got it

888
00:32:18,055 --> 00:32:20,212
fucking done. We figured out how to maybe

889
00:32:20,212 --> 00:32:21,171
avoid this in the future.

890
00:32:22,784 --> 00:32:24,140
As of right now and all come with,

891
00:32:24,299 --> 00:32:25,756
There hasn't been a consequence.

892
00:32:26,612 --> 00:32:29,085
I haven't asked because that, I don't wanna

893
00:32:29,085 --> 00:32:29,244
know.

894
00:32:30,201 --> 00:32:32,355
Right. I will be brutally honest.

895
00:32:33,563 --> 00:32:35,471
With the people I care about, I will

896
00:32:35,471 --> 00:32:37,855
lie like a dog to myself. Okay. And

897
00:32:37,935 --> 00:32:40,638
I'm very good at it's denial. And if

898
00:32:40,717 --> 00:32:42,884
I don't wanna know what's thing I will

899
00:32:42,884 --> 00:32:43,703
not ask

900
00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:48,099
That's the the real irony.

901
00:32:49,677 --> 00:32:51,675
I'm gonna be real truthful with you.

902
00:32:52,487 --> 00:32:54,717
I'm gonna lie so bad to myself.

903
00:32:56,787 --> 00:32:57,822
Lola agrees. Yes.

904
00:32:58,937 --> 00:32:59,437
So

905
00:33:00,703 --> 00:33:01,917
You know, I don't

906
00:33:02,369 --> 00:33:04,273
I don't necessarily think that though...

907
00:33:05,542 --> 00:33:07,549
All of the things that I will absolutely

908
00:33:07,604 --> 00:33:09,548
air quote this confess. Are

909
00:33:10,001 --> 00:33:13,337
necessary good, healthy, important, meaningful. Like, I don't

910
00:33:13,496 --> 00:33:15,506
I don't... I do... It's a real

911
00:33:15,879 --> 00:33:19,256
strange self comfort. Thing. I feel better

912
00:33:20,029 --> 00:33:20,529
knowing

913
00:33:21,620 --> 00:33:23,131
that we both know. Now I think it

914
00:33:23,131 --> 00:33:25,298
would be different thing and I would have

915
00:33:25,298 --> 00:33:26,976
to to contend with it differently.

916
00:33:27,696 --> 00:33:30,413
If the truth I was telling you were

917
00:33:30,413 --> 00:33:32,330
things that were going to hurt you.

918
00:33:33,144 --> 00:33:34,577
Right? Like, if I had to tell you

919
00:33:34,577 --> 00:33:36,270
a thing and confess a thing

920
00:33:36,646 --> 00:33:39,830
that was going to be mentally physically, blah

921
00:33:40,228 --> 00:33:43,107
something painful for you that I caused the

922
00:33:43,107 --> 00:33:45,169
pain or that somebody else did,

923
00:33:46,121 --> 00:33:46,518
you know,

924
00:33:48,263 --> 00:33:50,087
maybe I'd have a different view on it.

925
00:33:50,325 --> 00:33:52,960
It really has been some stupid ass bullshit

926
00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:55,661
stuff that truly, I could've just not said

927
00:33:55,661 --> 00:33:58,599
anything, but also, I can't... Part of that

928
00:33:58,599 --> 00:33:59,711
part of that, and it's not all of

929
00:33:59,711 --> 00:34:01,796
it. Part of it has is because you

930
00:34:01,796 --> 00:34:03,333
and I talk about

931
00:34:03,871 --> 00:34:05,785
the most mundane things, the most random things,

932
00:34:05,945 --> 00:34:07,835
the deepest things, most important things

933
00:34:08,274 --> 00:34:10,213
And while and we did the episode

934
00:34:10,991 --> 00:34:12,350
several weeks ago about, you know, you don't

935
00:34:12,350 --> 00:34:14,108
have to quite communicate every fucking thing on

936
00:34:14,108 --> 00:34:15,307
your mind. And I am getting better at

937
00:34:15,307 --> 00:34:15,387
that.

938
00:34:16,346 --> 00:34:19,078
I don't ever want to have just not

939
00:34:19,078 --> 00:34:20,276
told you something you're lied to you about

940
00:34:20,276 --> 00:34:22,114
something. That means that I literally can never

941
00:34:22,114 --> 00:34:24,031
fucking bring it up if it, like, relates

942
00:34:24,031 --> 00:34:26,201
to something again. Now I'm like, doing this

943
00:34:26,201 --> 00:34:28,195
like, little dance of did I tell him

944
00:34:28,195 --> 00:34:30,348
that can I talk? Like, I want... Even

945
00:34:30,348 --> 00:34:32,661
if I don't tell you every thought I'm

946
00:34:32,661 --> 00:34:35,068
having or every emotion I'm feeling. I don't

947
00:34:35,068 --> 00:34:37,622
wanna close the door on my ability to

948
00:34:37,622 --> 00:34:38,021
do that.

949
00:34:38,899 --> 00:34:41,213
So we can have the conversation and joke

950
00:34:41,213 --> 00:34:42,730
around about the fucking sheet.

951
00:34:43,621 --> 00:34:45,848
Because I told you. Right. Regardless of what

952
00:34:45,848 --> 00:34:48,155
was gonna happen. And I I know when

953
00:34:48,234 --> 00:34:49,960
I'm honest like that about my own

954
00:34:50,556 --> 00:34:52,885
you know, scrubs or whatever that I am

955
00:34:53,180 --> 00:34:55,485
inviting whatever the consequence might be. Right? Like,

956
00:34:55,724 --> 00:34:57,553
I'm not... And it's not a oh I'm

957
00:34:57,553 --> 00:34:58,998
look at me. I'm so great. I'm... I

958
00:34:58,998 --> 00:35:00,666
don't know what consequences It's like, no. No.

959
00:35:02,176 --> 00:35:04,003
I am helping out future me,

960
00:35:04,797 --> 00:35:07,035
but so Right now me is like bitch.

961
00:35:07,273 --> 00:35:09,970
You worked dumbass shit. But future me like,

962
00:35:10,050 --> 00:35:11,557
no. I wanna be able to talk about

963
00:35:11,557 --> 00:35:13,461
shit. I don't wanna ever wonder. Can I

964
00:35:13,461 --> 00:35:15,783
talk about that? Because I just fucking set

965
00:35:15,783 --> 00:35:18,647
it? Yeah. Now did I know I... That's

966
00:35:18,647 --> 00:35:20,238
why I was doing stuff in the very

967
00:35:20,238 --> 00:35:23,117
beginning? Like, did I have it figured out

968
00:35:23,117 --> 00:35:25,027
at that level that this is what... No.

969
00:35:27,652 --> 00:35:28,448
Did I... I mean,

970
00:35:29,483 --> 00:35:30,221
I'm not

971
00:35:31,790 --> 00:35:33,244
out for all that I probably sound really

972
00:35:33,244 --> 00:35:33,744
naive

973
00:35:34,204 --> 00:35:35,164
or really like,

974
00:35:36,364 --> 00:35:37,644
I don't know. Another word I can't think

975
00:35:37,644 --> 00:35:38,125
of right now.

976
00:35:39,005 --> 00:35:41,565
I understood that I was ridiculous when I

977
00:35:41,565 --> 00:35:44,121
was gonna, like, air quote confess to nearly

978
00:35:44,121 --> 00:35:46,425
losing a necklace that we both were considering

979
00:35:46,425 --> 00:35:48,251
my collar. Mh think that I did not

980
00:35:48,251 --> 00:35:51,289
lose. I understood the gonna absurdity of that

981
00:35:51,289 --> 00:35:54,021
worry or that, you know, moment of

982
00:35:54,398 --> 00:35:56,391
but it was also the first time we'd

983
00:35:56,391 --> 00:35:58,087
ever had a moment where

984
00:35:58,559 --> 00:36:01,112
technically, you... I could have handed you a

985
00:36:01,112 --> 00:36:02,011
reason to be

986
00:36:02,947 --> 00:36:04,065
unhappy with me. Right?

987
00:36:04,783 --> 00:36:07,508
And there was some fear there too. I

988
00:36:07,508 --> 00:36:09,101
didn't know how you were gonna react because

989
00:36:09,101 --> 00:36:09,340
an

990
00:36:10,057 --> 00:36:13,402
mostly mentally healthy person is gonna go... I

991
00:36:13,402 --> 00:36:15,730
know mentally healthy. A mostly not shitty person.

992
00:36:15,969 --> 00:36:16,869
Let's say that

993
00:36:17,250 --> 00:36:17,750
is

994
00:36:18,610 --> 00:36:21,170
gonna go, what... It's fine. You, you know,

995
00:36:21,329 --> 00:36:22,530
that sucks she almost lost it, but you

996
00:36:22,530 --> 00:36:22,929
got it back.

997
00:36:23,743 --> 00:36:24,222
You're cool.

998
00:36:25,099 --> 00:36:26,934
It's the really shitty person who's gonna, like,

999
00:36:27,094 --> 00:36:29,008
make you feel bad about a thing, but

1000
00:36:29,008 --> 00:36:30,539
you don't need to feel bad about out.

1001
00:36:31,414 --> 00:36:34,199
And, you know, in the beginning, it's a

1002
00:36:34,199 --> 00:36:34,699
possibility

1003
00:36:35,074 --> 00:36:36,347
that part of what I was trying to

1004
00:36:36,347 --> 00:36:39,311
do was to learn out how you would

1005
00:36:39,311 --> 00:36:39,711
react.

1006
00:36:40,828 --> 00:36:42,824
Because I know that I was nervous about

1007
00:36:42,824 --> 00:36:44,740
how you would react because we had not

1008
00:36:44,740 --> 00:36:47,635
had this kind of moment. Everything had been

1009
00:36:48,027 --> 00:36:51,680
like super happy, super good, new relationship energy.

1010
00:36:53,427 --> 00:36:55,096
You know, and here I am going, okay.

1011
00:36:55,254 --> 00:36:56,842
This isn't a big deal.

1012
00:36:57,811 --> 00:36:59,561
But what if he makes it a big

1013
00:36:59,561 --> 00:37:02,744
deal. Right? Yeah. So it's... That first time

1014
00:37:02,744 --> 00:37:05,066
was a very layered new nuance thing. But

1015
00:37:05,225 --> 00:37:07,217
I didn't understand myself yeah. Well enough to

1016
00:37:07,217 --> 00:37:09,128
know all of the ins and outs of

1017
00:37:09,128 --> 00:37:10,402
why I was. You know?

1018
00:37:13,190 --> 00:37:14,343
Nuance I could sit

1019
00:37:16,078 --> 00:37:16,578
and

1020
00:37:17,835 --> 00:37:19,750
as as as a dominant. I could sit

1021
00:37:19,750 --> 00:37:21,666
a nit pick. Yeah. And... There are some

1022
00:37:21,666 --> 00:37:23,672
out there who will? Every little thing. Mh.

1023
00:37:24,070 --> 00:37:24,309
Okay.

1024
00:37:25,104 --> 00:37:27,275
And and to me, sometimes,

1025
00:37:29,653 --> 00:37:32,282
III look at it as, you know, don't

1026
00:37:32,282 --> 00:37:33,795
sweat the small stuff. Mh.

1027
00:37:34,831 --> 00:37:37,539
Over the years, you've gotten me to be

1028
00:37:37,539 --> 00:37:39,146
better about that? Mh.

1029
00:37:40,817 --> 00:37:42,590
I think when it comes to

1030
00:37:44,715 --> 00:37:47,516
the the us. Stuff, the stuff that even

1031
00:37:47,516 --> 00:37:49,029
if it's small, it doesn't have a major

1032
00:37:49,029 --> 00:37:51,020
impact on our lives, that it involves both

1033
00:37:51,020 --> 00:37:53,010
of us. I'm gonna I'm gonna keep telling

1034
00:37:53,010 --> 00:37:55,418
you sure. The absolute treat into my own

1035
00:37:55,418 --> 00:37:56,137
detriment. Yeah.

1036
00:37:57,495 --> 00:38:00,132
But, yeah, I think that what I... What

1037
00:38:00,212 --> 00:38:02,381
I've done with not fucking people who are

1038
00:38:02,381 --> 00:38:03,335
not you. Right?

1039
00:38:06,199 --> 00:38:08,506
Excuse me. Or people who are not in

1040
00:38:08,506 --> 00:38:08,585
my...

1041
00:38:09,476 --> 00:38:11,646
Absolute tight inner circle, which are mainly

1042
00:38:12,020 --> 00:38:13,077
you and the kids

1043
00:38:13,611 --> 00:38:15,042
is I'm not gonna lie...

1044
00:38:15,679 --> 00:38:16,951
I'm just not gonna say anything.

1045
00:38:17,363 --> 00:38:19,428
I'm maybe fucking engage in conversation.

1046
00:38:20,540 --> 00:38:22,526
I mean, like, I'm not gonna put myself

1047
00:38:22,526 --> 00:38:23,955
in a position where I have to decide,

1048
00:38:24,352 --> 00:38:25,146
do I... Am I...

1049
00:38:26,035 --> 00:38:29,450
Brutally honest here or not. Mh. I'm just

1050
00:38:29,450 --> 00:38:31,912
probably not gonna have much to say. If

1051
00:38:31,912 --> 00:38:34,715
if the the idea is that

1052
00:38:35,264 --> 00:38:36,536
this is a person who's gonna ask me

1053
00:38:36,536 --> 00:38:38,764
a question that I don't want to answer

1054
00:38:38,764 --> 00:38:41,014
or that my impulse might be to not

1055
00:38:41,309 --> 00:38:43,559
to not want, to tell them the brutal

1056
00:38:43,559 --> 00:38:44,059
truth

1057
00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:46,940
as a self protection thing, not for any

1058
00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:49,934
nefarious reason. Yeah. I'm not gonna

1059
00:38:50,373 --> 00:38:53,320
make room for that kind of conversation. Pretty

1060
00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:55,950
that's probably not mentally healthy, but I don't

1061
00:38:55,950 --> 00:38:58,499
care. My piece is quite protected. Thank you

1062
00:38:58,499 --> 00:38:58,898
very much.

1063
00:39:00,345 --> 00:39:00,663
Now.

1064
00:39:03,287 --> 00:39:05,139
Is there anything from your perspective

1065
00:39:05,592 --> 00:39:06,092
about

1066
00:39:06,467 --> 00:39:07,342
this entered...

1067
00:39:07,994 --> 00:39:11,181
Like, personal dynamic of the radical honesty thing

1068
00:39:11,181 --> 00:39:13,013
that you would like to say or add

1069
00:39:13,013 --> 00:39:15,563
to. I don't I don't think so. Okay.

1070
00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:17,610
Mainly because I think

1071
00:39:18,845 --> 00:39:20,142
you know, the the

1072
00:39:21,077 --> 00:39:22,214
subject of honesty

1073
00:39:22,989 --> 00:39:24,264
is something that should be.

1074
00:39:25,221 --> 00:39:27,224
Ops. It it ought to be a given.

1075
00:39:27,463 --> 00:39:27,622
Right.

1076
00:39:28,815 --> 00:39:31,940
The Monday episode that'll come out, like, after

1077
00:39:31,996 --> 00:39:35,536
this week's podcast episode. It is an example

1078
00:39:35,673 --> 00:39:38,780
of how not being honest, fucking destroy shit.

1079
00:39:38,940 --> 00:39:41,011
Right? Like, Okay? Yeah. There you go. And

1080
00:39:41,011 --> 00:39:42,844
and I think you go. Anybody who has

1081
00:39:42,844 --> 00:39:46,199
made it to legal adult status fucking knows

1082
00:39:46,199 --> 00:39:46,676
that. Right?

1083
00:39:48,742 --> 00:39:51,204
Now I kinda wanna shift to this idea

1084
00:39:51,204 --> 00:39:54,650
of radical honestly Steve, being this thing where

1085
00:39:54,650 --> 00:39:55,789
you become

1086
00:39:57,130 --> 00:39:57,630
radically

1087
00:39:58,409 --> 00:40:00,730
honest a slash authentic and like the person

1088
00:40:00,730 --> 00:40:01,985
said their little walk goes to the x

1089
00:40:02,103 --> 00:40:03,793
extent that you're capable of at the time

1090
00:40:04,166 --> 00:40:04,666
with

1091
00:40:05,118 --> 00:40:08,846
yourself And who you are. And because is

1092
00:40:08,846 --> 00:40:11,248
that not the King than for many people.

1093
00:40:12,447 --> 00:40:13,885
And you know what that makes absolute per...

1094
00:40:14,045 --> 00:40:16,123
You know, hearing that when you read that,

1095
00:40:16,363 --> 00:40:17,961
like, wow. Okay.

1096
00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:18,920
Because

1097
00:40:19,494 --> 00:40:20,870
You know, I I can

1098
00:40:22,202 --> 00:40:24,751
even even myself as as much as, you

1099
00:40:24,751 --> 00:40:26,264
know, we we had talked about how much

1100
00:40:26,264 --> 00:40:28,255
is I I am a self motivated person.

1101
00:40:28,989 --> 00:40:29,489
Yeah,

1102
00:40:29,947 --> 00:40:30,266
you know,

1103
00:40:32,102 --> 00:40:32,741
there are...

1104
00:40:33,699 --> 00:40:35,695
You know, III think all of us have

1105
00:40:35,695 --> 00:40:36,514
those lies

1106
00:40:36,892 --> 00:40:39,300
we tell ourselves. Right. And we don't... Obviously,

1107
00:40:39,460 --> 00:40:41,373
we don't consider them lies. We just... There

1108
00:40:41,373 --> 00:40:43,446
things we believe that are not necessarily true.

1109
00:40:43,686 --> 00:40:46,396
Oh, I'm I'm I'm gonna have that piece

1110
00:40:46,396 --> 00:40:48,483
cake right this. There. And and I'm gonna

1111
00:40:48,483 --> 00:40:50,395
enjoy that piece cake, but I know I

1112
00:40:50,395 --> 00:40:52,227
shouldn't have that piece cake because, you know,

1113
00:40:52,466 --> 00:40:54,219
it... It's not good for me. And Gonna

1114
00:40:54,219 --> 00:40:56,232
feel guilty And then after the fact

1115
00:40:56,543 --> 00:40:58,766
You know, oh, I'm I'm... You know what?

1116
00:40:59,322 --> 00:41:00,751
I had a really rough day. I'm not

1117
00:41:00,751 --> 00:41:02,656
gonna take that walk today. I don't I

1118
00:41:02,656 --> 00:41:04,641
don't wanna do it. It's not... It's not...

1119
00:41:04,879 --> 00:41:06,967
You know, So, yeah, I I can see

1120
00:41:06,967 --> 00:41:08,983
how there's a lot of ways that we

1121
00:41:09,042 --> 00:41:11,996
we do that to ourselves. Mh. Mh. And

1122
00:41:11,996 --> 00:41:14,471
not a malicious. No. Various way. It's just

1123
00:41:14,471 --> 00:41:14,971
a

1124
00:41:15,444 --> 00:41:18,155
sometimes it's more comforting or it feels safer

1125
00:41:18,155 --> 00:41:18,713
to think

1126
00:41:19,510 --> 00:41:21,743
The thing that maybe later you go, oh,

1127
00:41:22,062 --> 00:41:23,041
that was not

1128
00:41:23,577 --> 00:41:24,077
necessarily.

1129
00:41:24,469 --> 00:41:26,221
The most honest I could be with myself.

1130
00:41:26,699 --> 00:41:28,689
So It makes me think... Because you and

1131
00:41:28,848 --> 00:41:29,428
I have

1132
00:41:30,122 --> 00:41:31,635
as many as all of us do. A

1133
00:41:31,635 --> 00:41:32,533
completely separate

1134
00:41:33,403 --> 00:41:34,679
experience with what I was like to kind

1135
00:41:34,679 --> 00:41:36,355
of figure out we were kin, go through

1136
00:41:36,355 --> 00:41:38,669
that process and for me. I be completely

1137
00:41:38,669 --> 00:41:40,345
a innocent and night even watch kinky things

1138
00:41:40,345 --> 00:41:41,951
and know they were kinky. Figure out I

1139
00:41:41,951 --> 00:41:44,179
was kinky and have a sense of relief.

1140
00:41:44,417 --> 00:41:44,576
Right?

1141
00:41:45,371 --> 00:41:47,280
Because... But I didn't try kinky shit before

1142
00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:49,841
that. Not, like, that I didn't experiment whatever.

1143
00:41:50,080 --> 00:41:52,728
So for me, there's... It wasn't that

1144
00:41:53,341 --> 00:41:54,080
I was

1145
00:41:54,455 --> 00:41:56,387
at not being my authentic self.

1146
00:41:57,106 --> 00:41:57,606
I

1147
00:41:58,144 --> 00:42:00,082
did not know that that could be

1148
00:42:00,461 --> 00:42:03,524
and a part of my some. But your

1149
00:42:04,374 --> 00:42:05,430
experience with

1150
00:42:05,883 --> 00:42:06,383
from

1151
00:42:06,757 --> 00:42:08,583
the very early days to, like, where you're

1152
00:42:08,583 --> 00:42:08,981
at now.

1153
00:42:09,695 --> 00:42:12,093
Nothing you experimented with kin without having the

1154
00:42:12,093 --> 00:42:12,570
language for it.

1155
00:42:13,364 --> 00:42:14,793
You tried to do things, but then you

1156
00:42:14,793 --> 00:42:16,779
had the guilt and you have the the

1157
00:42:16,779 --> 00:42:18,464
right be because All of that out far.

1158
00:42:18,864 --> 00:42:20,622
Because to... At at that time to me,

1159
00:42:20,782 --> 00:42:23,099
what what I associated with, you know, yeah,

1160
00:42:23,259 --> 00:42:24,858
I was doing things. I was I was

1161
00:42:24,858 --> 00:42:27,495
spanking. I was, you know, tying tying someone

1162
00:42:27,495 --> 00:42:27,655
up.

1163
00:42:28,547 --> 00:42:31,258
And and the relationship did not last,

1164
00:42:33,570 --> 00:42:33,889
you know,

1165
00:42:34,925 --> 00:42:36,120
looking back now,

1166
00:42:37,646 --> 00:42:39,712
relationship never could. Right. Yeah. The things you

1167
00:42:39,712 --> 00:42:41,460
know Okay we can look back on. But

1168
00:42:41,460 --> 00:42:44,097
at at that time with that you know,

1169
00:42:44,256 --> 00:42:46,106
that that that young

1170
00:42:46,877 --> 00:42:49,737
brain of mine at that time was like,

1171
00:42:49,896 --> 00:42:52,438
oh, no. This is what made the relationship

1172
00:42:52,438 --> 00:42:53,232
bad. Yeah.

1173
00:42:53,882 --> 00:42:55,731
Okay? Because that's wrong

1174
00:42:56,579 --> 00:42:58,721
things to do. And... Right. I'm not supposed

1175
00:42:58,721 --> 00:43:00,466
to do that I'm bad for doing that.

1176
00:43:01,198 --> 00:43:04,307
This relationship failed, so therefore that is proof

1177
00:43:04,307 --> 00:43:05,982
that what I was doing was bad. Was

1178
00:43:05,982 --> 00:43:08,454
bad. And then fast forward to the relationship

1179
00:43:08,454 --> 00:43:09,592
your in before

1180
00:43:09,903 --> 00:43:12,290
you and I. Mh. And you tried it

1181
00:43:12,290 --> 00:43:15,551
again. Right. And were treated like you were

1182
00:43:15,551 --> 00:43:17,950
bad. Yeah. Like, like, there's all these... In

1183
00:43:17,950 --> 00:43:21,523
app... Again, everybody's experience this and way forward

1184
00:43:21,523 --> 00:43:23,825
is gonna be different. But for folks who

1185
00:43:23,825 --> 00:43:27,023
get them... Like external message from your religion

1186
00:43:27,023 --> 00:43:28,319
from your partner from

1187
00:43:28,774 --> 00:43:31,004
whatever you're watching from whatever... Wherever the messages

1188
00:43:31,004 --> 00:43:32,539
are coming from, that

1189
00:43:33,409 --> 00:43:35,887
kin in whatever form is bad,

1190
00:43:36,766 --> 00:43:37,485
it... I mean,

1191
00:43:39,083 --> 00:43:42,040
the fact that any of us are able

1192
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:44,287
to over come all of that messaging and

1193
00:43:44,287 --> 00:43:45,959
all of that guilt and all of those

1194
00:43:45,959 --> 00:43:49,144
like, Mh. Net negative, you know, self talk

1195
00:43:49,144 --> 00:43:51,110
and the the self doubt to

1196
00:43:51,628 --> 00:43:52,128
step

1197
00:43:52,586 --> 00:43:53,086
into

1198
00:43:54,182 --> 00:43:57,215
your authentic self of which Kin is a

1199
00:43:57,215 --> 00:43:58,273
part of that

1200
00:43:58,651 --> 00:43:59,151
is

1201
00:43:59,702 --> 00:44:02,167
extremely brave. Right? Like, it might not feel

1202
00:44:02,167 --> 00:44:03,519
like a brave thing at the time.

1203
00:44:04,314 --> 00:44:05,507
It might not feel like that big of

1204
00:44:05,507 --> 00:44:07,654
a deal. It my... But it's like you

1205
00:44:07,654 --> 00:44:09,108
literally went against

1206
00:44:09,896 --> 00:44:11,804
not only what the outside world was telling

1207
00:44:11,804 --> 00:44:13,394
you. Right. Your own internal,

1208
00:44:14,030 --> 00:44:16,018
not correct, but we don't know that at

1209
00:44:16,018 --> 00:44:18,166
the time. At the time. Yeah. Incorrect thinking

1210
00:44:18,166 --> 00:44:19,535
about a thing to go, but This is

1211
00:44:19,535 --> 00:44:21,054
who the fuck I am, and I'm just...

1212
00:44:21,295 --> 00:44:23,535
I'm gonna fucking embrace it now. Right. Now

1213
00:44:23,695 --> 00:44:24,594
I know we've

1214
00:44:25,054 --> 00:44:26,655
had the conversation, but I don't know if

1215
00:44:26,735 --> 00:44:27,054
I've ever...

1216
00:44:27,947 --> 00:44:29,697
Asked that specific question.

1217
00:44:30,572 --> 00:44:31,072
What

1218
00:44:31,765 --> 00:44:34,333
was was there a specific moment

1219
00:44:34,883 --> 00:44:36,715
not when you started exploring, not when you

1220
00:44:36,715 --> 00:44:39,048
started going... But when you just kind of

1221
00:44:40,062 --> 00:44:41,735
and maybe embraced this the only word I

1222
00:44:41,735 --> 00:44:43,734
got. But you basically you embraced it. You

1223
00:44:43,734 --> 00:44:43,893
went.

1224
00:44:45,004 --> 00:44:47,067
All that tells me it's wrong, but this

1225
00:44:47,067 --> 00:44:49,050
is who the fuck I am. Yeah. That

1226
00:44:49,050 --> 00:44:50,002
that moment for me.

1227
00:44:50,734 --> 00:44:52,355
Was when I

1228
00:44:52,815 --> 00:44:54,275
was sitting down

1229
00:44:54,655 --> 00:44:56,994
and talking to a

1230
00:44:57,614 --> 00:44:58,094
mas,

1231
00:44:59,309 --> 00:45:01,390
And at that time, I was still...

1232
00:45:02,910 --> 00:45:05,230
It it was strange because I embraced the

1233
00:45:05,230 --> 00:45:07,630
the ds, the power. Mh. Exchange.

1234
00:45:08,844 --> 00:45:10,844
Where I was struggling with was the,

1235
00:45:11,885 --> 00:45:13,885
sad in the mask. Mh k. Mh.

1236
00:45:14,525 --> 00:45:17,005
And and she sat down, and and her

1237
00:45:17,005 --> 00:45:18,615
and I we were we were out of

1238
00:45:18,615 --> 00:45:20,290
lunch, and she was talking me, and she

1239
00:45:20,290 --> 00:45:21,188
explained to me

1240
00:45:21,805 --> 00:45:22,442
what it meant.

1241
00:45:23,639 --> 00:45:25,472
Da mask receive pain.

1242
00:45:26,683 --> 00:45:28,996
And it was at that point, listening to

1243
00:45:28,996 --> 00:45:31,309
her and and and her explanation and everything.

1244
00:45:31,708 --> 00:45:33,463
It was then at that point that everything

1245
00:45:33,463 --> 00:45:35,536
just kind of came together came together and

1246
00:45:35,536 --> 00:45:35,696
mesh.

1247
00:45:36,666 --> 00:45:38,492
After that moment, because you've told me that

1248
00:45:38,492 --> 00:45:40,636
story before. Mh. But I don't know that

1249
00:45:40,636 --> 00:45:43,335
we've ever talked about after. So after that

1250
00:45:43,335 --> 00:45:44,788
moment where you kind of have

1251
00:45:45,813 --> 00:45:47,805
that epiphany? Maybe Mh.

1252
00:45:48,362 --> 00:45:50,275
What happens next? Do you...

1253
00:45:50,753 --> 00:45:52,346
Does it just become a little bit easier

1254
00:45:52,346 --> 00:45:54,896
to explore? Do you have a different mindset?

1255
00:45:55,135 --> 00:45:56,817
Do you have a different mood, like, what

1256
00:45:56,817 --> 00:45:58,800
happens after it? If for me at that

1257
00:45:58,800 --> 00:46:01,021
point, it was definitely a different mindset. Mh.

1258
00:46:02,942 --> 00:46:04,295
Because I wasn't some...

1259
00:46:07,401 --> 00:46:10,210
I I realized that I wasn't some

1260
00:46:11,797 --> 00:46:14,192
per just you know, but the best way.

1261
00:46:15,310 --> 00:46:16,747
Yeah. I Get you're saying? You know what

1262
00:46:16,827 --> 00:46:18,823
I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. And and at that

1263
00:46:18,823 --> 00:46:21,734
point, then it made me made it much

1264
00:46:22,832 --> 00:46:26,927
easier. Mh. To to dive in Mh. To

1265
00:46:27,067 --> 00:46:27,887
the community

1266
00:46:28,745 --> 00:46:31,094
yourself back? Right. I was no longer holding

1267
00:46:31,152 --> 00:46:32,029
myself back. Yes.

1268
00:46:32,746 --> 00:46:34,123
And I think that that

1269
00:46:34,660 --> 00:46:37,130
I like the idea of the the idea

1270
00:46:37,130 --> 00:46:39,289
of where maybe radical honesty that as a

1271
00:46:39,289 --> 00:46:41,454
concept has gone, where we're talking about

1272
00:46:42,779 --> 00:46:44,603
knowing... It's sort of know thy myself. Right?

1273
00:46:46,365 --> 00:46:48,431
Because whether it's kin or at something else,

1274
00:46:49,226 --> 00:46:51,929
oftentimes you have to throw off some old

1275
00:46:51,929 --> 00:46:54,631
beliefs and some incorrect thinking and the messages

1276
00:46:54,631 --> 00:46:56,885
you... Received from, you know, and you have

1277
00:46:56,885 --> 00:46:59,364
to go... This is my truth. This is

1278
00:46:59,364 --> 00:47:00,565
who I am.

1279
00:47:00,965 --> 00:47:03,045
Right. And it doesn't matter if the outside

1280
00:47:03,045 --> 00:47:05,220
world approves of it. I'm I'm I mean,

1281
00:47:05,380 --> 00:47:07,380
it Yeah. I mean, it... It's a matter

1282
00:47:07,380 --> 00:47:08,039
of finding

1283
00:47:08,340 --> 00:47:09,240
your truth

1284
00:47:09,619 --> 00:47:10,760
and and,

1285
00:47:11,780 --> 00:47:13,700
you know, like, what I did for many

1286
00:47:13,700 --> 00:47:13,940
years.

1287
00:47:15,710 --> 00:47:17,306
You know, this is what a relationship is

1288
00:47:17,306 --> 00:47:17,784
supposed to be.

1289
00:47:18,503 --> 00:47:20,338
Right. Got him. Yeah. You know?

1290
00:47:21,787 --> 00:47:23,934
Buy societal standards. This is what it's supposed

1291
00:47:23,934 --> 00:47:27,296
to be. And, you know, but I I

1292
00:47:27,750 --> 00:47:28,568
could never

1293
00:47:30,311 --> 00:47:31,905
fully fit into that. And I think that's

1294
00:47:31,905 --> 00:47:33,339
the thing. I think a lot of people,

1295
00:47:33,578 --> 00:47:37,059
maybe maybe younger, people younger than us who

1296
00:47:37,338 --> 00:47:39,005
get... Got to be raised with the Internet

1297
00:47:39,005 --> 00:47:41,944
and add to the information. Maybe more of

1298
00:47:41,944 --> 00:47:43,453
them will have a different experience. But I

1299
00:47:43,453 --> 00:47:45,438
think it's a very human experience to try

1300
00:47:45,438 --> 00:47:45,938
to

1301
00:47:46,963 --> 00:47:48,396
force yourself to fit,

1302
00:47:49,510 --> 00:47:51,977
you know, square ground hole. Mh.

1303
00:47:52,454 --> 00:47:54,842
The the ideals of what you've been taught

1304
00:47:54,842 --> 00:47:57,806
are the air quote correct. Way. Yeah. And

1305
00:47:57,806 --> 00:48:00,678
it never feels right and stat and many

1306
00:48:00,678 --> 00:48:01,954
of us, I know there are people out

1307
00:48:01,954 --> 00:48:03,925
there who figure it out and they're like

1308
00:48:04,125 --> 00:48:06,204
really self actual very early on in life,

1309
00:48:06,364 --> 00:48:07,565
and I'm am very happy for you.

1310
00:48:08,605 --> 00:48:10,045
The rest of us have to go through

1311
00:48:10,045 --> 00:48:12,612
our thirties to forties. It quote mid midlife

1312
00:48:12,612 --> 00:48:14,118
crisis before we get there, whatever.

1313
00:48:14,752 --> 00:48:16,837
Through the meta morph. Right. But,

1314
00:48:17,288 --> 00:48:19,214
you know, the thing I'm

1315
00:48:19,924 --> 00:48:22,081
understanding better now. And then I'm not perfect

1316
00:48:22,081 --> 00:48:23,919
at it. I still get sucked up into

1317
00:48:23,919 --> 00:48:25,059
it for other things

1318
00:48:25,438 --> 00:48:27,595
is what happens is we try to force

1319
00:48:27,595 --> 00:48:30,476
ourself to fit what we've been taught is

1320
00:48:30,476 --> 00:48:32,545
what we're supposed to do. Mh. It doesn't

1321
00:48:32,545 --> 00:48:34,773
feel right. And instead of saying And and

1322
00:48:34,773 --> 00:48:36,546
this thing doesn't flooring. We

1323
00:48:36,921 --> 00:48:39,014
not right. I'm... This doesn't fit. This doesn't

1324
00:48:39,014 --> 00:48:40,934
feel right yet. But, yeah. But the... Before

1325
00:48:40,934 --> 00:48:42,614
you can get to that point of why

1326
00:48:42,614 --> 00:48:44,135
it doesn't feel right now who you really

1327
00:48:44,135 --> 00:48:46,144
are and whatever you're truth is your radical,

1328
00:48:46,304 --> 00:48:48,135
honesty self honesty thing is,

1329
00:48:49,010 --> 00:48:51,159
we we don't say the thing I'm trying

1330
00:48:51,159 --> 00:48:53,125
to do doesn't work for me. We tell

1331
00:48:53,244 --> 00:48:55,553
you know, many not all tell ourselves. I

1332
00:48:55,553 --> 00:48:57,465
am wrong because I can't make this work.

1333
00:48:57,703 --> 00:48:59,535
And I think that it it ought to

1334
00:48:59,535 --> 00:49:01,526
be for folks who can get there very

1335
00:49:01,526 --> 00:49:04,404
free. To realize that you're not wrong. You

1336
00:49:04,404 --> 00:49:06,392
were just trying to make yourself beat somebody,

1337
00:49:06,551 --> 00:49:08,698
you're not you're not. And you're not III

1338
00:49:08,698 --> 00:49:11,186
think... And and there's there is something

1339
00:49:11,894 --> 00:49:13,250
else because it's eat it...

1340
00:49:14,526 --> 00:49:17,556
No. Well, none of it's easy. Yeah. You

1341
00:49:17,556 --> 00:49:18,455
know, to

1342
00:49:18,992 --> 00:49:20,130
to accept

1343
00:49:20,826 --> 00:49:21,280
because

1344
00:49:22,197 --> 00:49:23,336
accepting the truth

1345
00:49:24,432 --> 00:49:26,528
of yourself, your your truth

1346
00:49:28,182 --> 00:49:29,434
is only part of it

1347
00:49:30,910 --> 00:49:31,410
because

1348
00:49:31,786 --> 00:49:33,860
at that point, then, you know, I could

1349
00:49:33,860 --> 00:49:34,360
realize

1350
00:49:34,896 --> 00:49:36,092
that I'm I'm kinky,

1351
00:49:36,969 --> 00:49:39,135
but I'm meant... You know, I these are

1352
00:49:39,135 --> 00:49:41,999
the relationships I've known. This is my comfort

1353
00:49:41,999 --> 00:49:43,670
zone. I have to step out of my

1354
00:49:43,670 --> 00:49:46,312
comfort zone now. Mh. Yeah. You gotta do

1355
00:49:46,312 --> 00:49:48,387
the scary thing. Yeah. And I think

1356
00:49:49,025 --> 00:49:51,179
my experience with talking to other kings and

1357
00:49:51,179 --> 00:49:53,665
the messages we get and the... The people

1358
00:49:53,665 --> 00:49:55,177
who share with us is that a lot

1359
00:49:55,177 --> 00:49:57,244
of people get stuck in that. They know

1360
00:49:57,244 --> 00:49:59,392
who they are. Mh. But to be able

1361
00:49:59,392 --> 00:50:01,551
to take that step into it to try

1362
00:50:01,551 --> 00:50:03,559
to to try to have,

1363
00:50:04,090 --> 00:50:05,915
you know, to to get to live the

1364
00:50:05,915 --> 00:50:07,343
life that they want that feels right for

1365
00:50:07,343 --> 00:50:09,581
them. And that is not 24 7 Power

1366
00:50:09,581 --> 00:50:11,036
exchange for everybody That's whatever

1367
00:50:11,807 --> 00:50:13,396
in this specific case troy Mount Kin. That's

1368
00:50:13,396 --> 00:50:14,930
whatever that means for that.

1369
00:50:15,463 --> 00:50:17,228
Right? At And that, I do see a

1370
00:50:17,228 --> 00:50:18,899
lot of people get stuck there because there's

1371
00:50:18,899 --> 00:50:20,331
a leap of faith that has to happen.

1372
00:50:20,490 --> 00:50:23,355
Mh. And you have to be willing to

1373
00:50:23,355 --> 00:50:24,805
fuck... It up a little bit before you

1374
00:50:24,805 --> 00:50:27,594
can get good at it. Right. And there's

1375
00:50:27,594 --> 00:50:29,666
some friction there, and that is difficult for

1376
00:50:29,666 --> 00:50:31,833
people. Now what I... I like to see,

1377
00:50:31,913 --> 00:50:33,266
but this is where who it can go

1378
00:50:33,266 --> 00:50:34,938
off the rails because friends is a thing.

1379
00:50:35,336 --> 00:50:37,963
It's when people go. I am this kinky

1380
00:50:37,963 --> 00:50:40,923
person and they jump in with both feet

1381
00:50:40,923 --> 00:50:42,036
and blind on.

1382
00:50:43,548 --> 00:50:45,695
They're not... The brain is not a part

1383
00:50:45,695 --> 00:50:46,594
of the place

1384
00:50:46,984 --> 00:50:48,502
out of the frying pan and into the

1385
00:50:48,502 --> 00:50:52,098
fires Was fucking. And I think that, you

1386
00:50:52,098 --> 00:50:54,095
know, I think a lot of us, once

1387
00:50:54,095 --> 00:50:54,550
you hit that

1388
00:50:55,225 --> 00:50:56,815
point of whatever your point of is,

1389
00:50:58,325 --> 00:51:00,891
I'm gonna do this because it's it it's

1390
00:51:01,425 --> 00:51:03,014
it's harder to not do it than it

1391
00:51:03,014 --> 00:51:04,543
is to do it it and there's a

1392
00:51:04,543 --> 00:51:06,298
drive behind it for you that I'm I'm

1393
00:51:06,298 --> 00:51:07,974
going for it. I'm fucking going for it.

1394
00:51:08,214 --> 00:51:11,407
Right? You know, the the frenzy that can

1395
00:51:11,407 --> 00:51:13,811
come on sub, or dom. I mean, we've

1396
00:51:13,811 --> 00:51:16,116
only Yeah. Once or twice even mention the

1397
00:51:16,116 --> 00:51:18,342
concept of maybe there's a dom frenzy, it

1398
00:51:18,342 --> 00:51:19,852
would make sense to me that there is.

1399
00:51:21,060 --> 00:51:23,128
But, you know, that f feeling of, I've

1400
00:51:23,128 --> 00:51:24,481
gotta do all the things. And if I

1401
00:51:24,481 --> 00:51:25,674
don't do it right now, I'll never get

1402
00:51:25,674 --> 00:51:27,049
you to And and it's

1403
00:51:27,519 --> 00:51:29,117
A lot of times, it comes from this

1404
00:51:29,117 --> 00:51:31,434
really joyful place of this excitement of I

1405
00:51:31,434 --> 00:51:33,352
know who I am, and I'm I'm ready.

1406
00:51:33,512 --> 00:51:36,003
Let's go try it out. But. And gonna

1407
00:51:36,003 --> 00:51:37,520
need somebody y'all to keep your thinking cap

1408
00:51:37,520 --> 00:51:38,478
on while you do it?

1409
00:51:39,436 --> 00:51:41,032
Yeah. A little healthy.

1410
00:51:42,310 --> 00:51:43,188
What's the word I want?

1411
00:51:44,385 --> 00:51:44,625
Fuck.

1412
00:51:46,704 --> 00:51:49,083
Not mistrust, but a little healthy, like,

1413
00:51:50,272 --> 00:51:51,938
there's a word I can. Somebody will think

1414
00:51:51,938 --> 00:51:53,539
of it for me. You know, But...

1415
00:51:54,967 --> 00:51:56,553
And there... And those are the 2 extremes

1416
00:51:56,553 --> 00:51:58,536
the... I know I'm kinky, but I'm too

1417
00:51:58,536 --> 00:52:00,598
afraid to do anything about. I'm not ready

1418
00:52:00,598 --> 00:52:02,759
yet. And the thing is is and I'm...

1419
00:52:03,553 --> 00:52:05,222
A lot of times I'm like this in

1420
00:52:05,222 --> 00:52:07,050
these moments we're having these conversations, I'm not,

1421
00:52:07,210 --> 00:52:09,435
But, like, outside of that I am. We

1422
00:52:09,435 --> 00:52:11,438
think that the way we... Feel in this

1423
00:52:11,438 --> 00:52:11,756
moment,

1424
00:52:12,313 --> 00:52:16,131
the fear, the uncertainty, the whatever is how

1425
00:52:16,131 --> 00:52:19,130
we're always gonna fucking feel. And so you

1426
00:52:19,329 --> 00:52:20,609
then there are people who are, like, I'm...

1427
00:52:20,849 --> 00:52:21,969
I know I can keep it I'm too

1428
00:52:21,969 --> 00:52:23,489
afraid to do anything thing. I'll never do

1429
00:52:23,489 --> 00:52:24,289
anything. Well,

1430
00:52:25,009 --> 00:52:26,849
I that might be true, but really what

1431
00:52:26,849 --> 00:52:28,463
it means is now, maybe you're not ready.

1432
00:52:28,703 --> 00:52:30,222
Maybe you're not ready to take that leap

1433
00:52:30,222 --> 00:52:32,699
of faith yet. I... There's not a fucking

1434
00:52:32,699 --> 00:52:34,457
thing wrong with going. I know I'm kinky.

1435
00:52:34,617 --> 00:52:36,295
I am not ready to go to the

1436
00:52:36,295 --> 00:52:37,744
dungeon. I am not ready to talk to

1437
00:52:37,744 --> 00:52:39,731
a person, not ready for lunch. Okay. Then

1438
00:52:39,731 --> 00:52:42,037
do the self work. Like Right. Go learn.

1439
00:52:42,275 --> 00:52:44,501
Go read. Go listen. Go wash, like whatever,

1440
00:52:44,740 --> 00:52:47,053
not there's so many fuck resources out there,

1441
00:52:47,529 --> 00:52:49,773
and sometimes just hearing enough

1442
00:52:50,461 --> 00:52:51,754
varying perspectives.

1443
00:52:52,379 --> 00:52:53,889
On how people figured out they were kinky,

1444
00:52:54,047 --> 00:52:56,511
what they did first, what they've experienced where

1445
00:52:56,511 --> 00:52:57,067
they've been,

1446
00:52:57,942 --> 00:52:58,680
you can

1447
00:52:59,213 --> 00:53:01,223
eventually get to the place where you're ready

1448
00:53:01,534 --> 00:53:03,608
And, you know, that that's the other kind

1449
00:53:03,608 --> 00:53:05,920
of ironic thing I noticed is we talk

1450
00:53:05,920 --> 00:53:08,074
about the radical honesty of figuring out who

1451
00:53:08,074 --> 00:53:09,909
you are and owning it. I am kinky.

1452
00:53:10,068 --> 00:53:11,184
Whatever the fuck that means. Right?

1453
00:53:12,398 --> 00:53:12,898
And

1454
00:53:13,596 --> 00:53:15,913
but the... But because you get, you're not

1455
00:53:15,913 --> 00:53:17,670
ready to take whatever that next step is

1456
00:53:17,670 --> 00:53:19,444
for you. I see a lot of people

1457
00:53:19,444 --> 00:53:21,525
who go, oh, well, maybe I'm not really

1458
00:53:21,525 --> 00:53:23,525
kinky because I'm not running around here, Naked

1459
00:53:23,525 --> 00:53:24,964
knee for everybody who looks at me cross

1460
00:53:24,964 --> 00:53:28,001
side. With a spiked collar on. Like, I

1461
00:53:28,001 --> 00:53:28,875
know. Yeah.

1462
00:53:29,510 --> 00:53:30,463
Everybody just take a deep breath.

1463
00:53:31,973 --> 00:53:34,594
You are... You don't have to go do

1464
00:53:34,594 --> 00:53:37,559
the kin thing you personally can imagine to

1465
00:53:37,559 --> 00:53:40,353
be authentically kinky. Right? You are kinky whether

1466
00:53:40,353 --> 00:53:42,667
you're acting on it or not, if you

1467
00:53:42,667 --> 00:53:45,231
are... If you tell yourself Yep. I'm I'm.

1468
00:53:45,470 --> 00:53:46,503
I'm dumb. I'm a switch.

1469
00:53:47,298 --> 00:53:48,570
I'm a sad. I don't ask you switch,

1470
00:53:48,809 --> 00:53:50,876
whatever labels you start with that feel right

1471
00:53:50,876 --> 00:53:53,103
for you. You are that thing even if

1472
00:53:53,103 --> 00:53:56,136
you have not... Physically jumped into it to

1473
00:53:56,136 --> 00:53:58,280
experience it yet. Now you might jump into

1474
00:53:58,280 --> 00:54:00,344
it experience and go, maybe Not what I

1475
00:54:00,344 --> 00:54:02,329
thought I was. It's fine. That's that's part

1476
00:54:02,329 --> 00:54:04,653
of it. It's part of the the discovery

1477
00:54:04,653 --> 00:54:04,972
process.

1478
00:54:05,927 --> 00:54:06,724
But, yeah, I mean,

1479
00:54:07,760 --> 00:54:09,535
I see some folks who kinda just

1480
00:54:10,309 --> 00:54:11,983
hold themselves back from their own.

1481
00:54:12,952 --> 00:54:14,858
Truth in their own reality every step of

1482
00:54:14,858 --> 00:54:16,525
the fucking way. And then I see the

1483
00:54:16,525 --> 00:54:18,192
people who realize their truth and then jump

1484
00:54:18,192 --> 00:54:20,018
in, fully closed both feed,

1485
00:54:20,668 --> 00:54:23,055
you know, no float on or anything, and

1486
00:54:23,055 --> 00:54:25,702
sometimes that works really well, and then sometimes

1487
00:54:25,918 --> 00:54:26,555
not so much.

1488
00:54:27,684 --> 00:54:28,184
But

1489
00:54:28,721 --> 00:54:30,954
I wonder and I... Because I'm not like

1490
00:54:30,954 --> 00:54:33,688
this. Even though I understand, I think the

1491
00:54:33,985 --> 00:54:36,479
the desire for this. I wonder if for

1492
00:54:36,537 --> 00:54:38,488
some kinks not all

1493
00:54:39,505 --> 00:54:40,005
that

1494
00:54:41,420 --> 00:54:42,856
have this desire because we get this question

1495
00:54:42,856 --> 00:54:44,691
a lot of, how do I tell everybody

1496
00:54:44,691 --> 00:54:46,856
in my life that I'm, you know, in

1497
00:54:46,856 --> 00:54:49,321
a power exchange. Right? And my response tends

1498
00:54:49,321 --> 00:54:50,672
to be. Well, why do you have to

1499
00:54:50,672 --> 00:54:52,899
tell them? Now, it's a personal decision. If

1500
00:54:52,899 --> 00:54:54,728
you wanna tell people you you ought to

1501
00:54:54,728 --> 00:54:56,260
and let's fix how you need do that

1502
00:54:56,260 --> 00:54:57,940
in a way that keeps you as safe

1503
00:54:57,940 --> 00:55:01,219
as possible. But I wonder if for some

1504
00:55:01,219 --> 00:55:01,619
people,

1505
00:55:02,260 --> 00:55:04,820
it's because the radical self honesty is this

1506
00:55:04,820 --> 00:55:07,461
year who I am, and then some of

1507
00:55:07,461 --> 00:55:09,929
that carries on into maybe. Other people need

1508
00:55:09,929 --> 00:55:11,702
to know it because this is such a

1509
00:55:11,839 --> 00:55:13,749
an integral part of who I am. If

1510
00:55:13,749 --> 00:55:15,515
you don't know this part about me. Do

1511
00:55:15,515 --> 00:55:18,005
you really? No. III think,

1512
00:55:19,018 --> 00:55:19,336
you know,

1513
00:55:20,530 --> 00:55:22,599
you say that, you know, why do weather

1514
00:55:22,599 --> 00:55:24,128
it's people need to know. I I think

1515
00:55:24,128 --> 00:55:26,438
it's more of a a self thing. It's

1516
00:55:26,438 --> 00:55:28,270
like, yeah. And I I think it has

1517
00:55:28,270 --> 00:55:29,704
to do it with being honest,

1518
00:55:30,341 --> 00:55:30,841
but

1519
00:55:31,775 --> 00:55:34,269
people I I think for some people, you

1520
00:55:34,269 --> 00:55:37,150
know, whether it's it's it's it's Bd m,

1521
00:55:37,309 --> 00:55:40,430
whether it's any other alternative sure type lifestyle,

1522
00:55:41,404 --> 00:55:43,322
to a certain extent you feel you can't

1523
00:55:43,322 --> 00:55:45,021
be your true self without

1524
00:55:45,400 --> 00:55:46,219
unless people

1525
00:55:46,598 --> 00:55:48,516
know. And here's the thing. I I agree

1526
00:55:48,516 --> 00:55:50,843
with that completely because... How many people are

1527
00:55:50,843 --> 00:55:52,432
close to me in my non king life,

1528
00:55:52,750 --> 00:55:55,133
who know me under my legal name, not

1529
00:55:55,133 --> 00:55:58,152
fucking many. Mh. Because under my legal name

1530
00:55:58,152 --> 00:56:01,053
who is parent and, you know, got

1531
00:56:01,587 --> 00:56:03,416
j family members and all that,

1532
00:56:04,371 --> 00:56:07,809
those folks don't know who I am, not

1533
00:56:07,809 --> 00:56:09,407
on any real team level, not anymore of

1534
00:56:09,407 --> 00:56:10,685
the people. I used to know the people,

1535
00:56:11,085 --> 00:56:12,363
but they didn't know who I was then

1536
00:56:12,363 --> 00:56:14,360
because I have had trust issues, probably from

1537
00:56:14,360 --> 00:56:14,760
the cradle.

1538
00:56:15,493 --> 00:56:17,488
I am to me my true self and

1539
00:56:17,568 --> 00:56:19,163
I'm out in the world as Kayla Lords.

1540
00:56:19,323 --> 00:56:20,839
Now Yeah. Where do I get to go

1541
00:56:20,839 --> 00:56:22,409
to be k, king spaces

1542
00:56:22,926 --> 00:56:24,674
here in the King space we create for

1543
00:56:24,674 --> 00:56:28,171
ourselves, lunches is parties. Done. Who that. Right.

1544
00:56:28,409 --> 00:56:30,555
And I And that, you know, could I

1545
00:56:30,555 --> 00:56:31,405
live my life? As.

1546
00:56:32,960 --> 00:56:35,192
Yes, but then I could never see my

1547
00:56:35,192 --> 00:56:35,670
mother again.

1548
00:56:36,547 --> 00:56:39,019
Right. Right. Yeah. Because for her,

1549
00:56:39,737 --> 00:56:41,744
I am K in sort name she gave

1550
00:56:41,744 --> 00:56:45,411
me. Mh. And that's a different experience, but

1551
00:56:45,570 --> 00:56:46,766
I agree with that. Like,

1552
00:56:47,563 --> 00:56:50,135
I don't want my non kin... The non

1553
00:56:50,135 --> 00:56:52,295
king people in my life to really know

1554
00:56:52,295 --> 00:56:53,815
this part of me, this is way too

1555
00:56:53,815 --> 00:56:56,388
personal minutes. And I don't wanna... I don't

1556
00:56:56,388 --> 00:56:57,106
want to...

1557
00:57:01,012 --> 00:57:03,244
I don't wanna answer questions. I don't wanna

1558
00:57:03,244 --> 00:57:05,329
fucking answer. You know what I mean? I

1559
00:57:05,329 --> 00:57:07,656
don't want to wade through

1560
00:57:08,507 --> 00:57:10,651
the judgments that I... You've met my family.

1561
00:57:10,810 --> 00:57:12,398
You know they would tell me what they

1562
00:57:12,398 --> 00:57:14,717
thought. Right? Yes. I don't wanna can wait

1563
00:57:14,717 --> 00:57:16,727
through that. And we have gone through it

1564
00:57:16,783 --> 00:57:18,873
years ago now. Right. And,

1565
00:57:19,406 --> 00:57:21,632
you know, that it... That was not a

1566
00:57:21,632 --> 00:57:24,833
positive experience not I But for me, the

1567
00:57:24,833 --> 00:57:26,431
way I do it is to go. No,

1568
00:57:26,671 --> 00:57:28,509
for... And this is personal as personal for

1569
00:57:28,509 --> 00:57:29,787
everybody and the way you decide to do

1570
00:57:29,787 --> 00:57:30,906
it is the way you decide to do

1571
00:57:30,906 --> 00:57:33,159
it, I'm not judging it out. All 1

1572
00:57:33,159 --> 00:57:33,638
way or the other.

1573
00:57:34,437 --> 00:57:36,914
For me, if you know me under my

1574
00:57:36,914 --> 00:57:38,432
legal name and you only know that about

1575
00:57:38,432 --> 00:57:40,203
me, you only get a certain layer, me.

1576
00:57:40,361 --> 00:57:42,130
Right. Now does my mother get

1577
00:57:42,583 --> 00:57:44,883
much deeper layer than the average person, of

1578
00:57:44,883 --> 00:57:45,121
course.

1579
00:57:46,073 --> 00:57:48,156
But it for It ain't all of it.

1580
00:57:48,954 --> 00:57:50,469
Mh. And ain't all of it. But if

1581
00:57:50,469 --> 00:57:52,144
you know me as Kayla Awards, you probably

1582
00:57:52,144 --> 00:57:53,580
know shit about me, and I don't just

1583
00:57:53,580 --> 00:57:55,255
my keane clive. You probably know some of

1584
00:57:55,255 --> 00:57:56,552
my inner thoughts that

1585
00:57:58,136 --> 00:58:00,677
not not a soul on that vanilla side

1586
00:58:00,677 --> 00:58:01,312
has scenario.

1587
00:58:02,661 --> 00:58:04,725
And that's for me, that's how I do

1588
00:58:04,725 --> 00:58:06,571
that other people, yeah, They wanna tell their

1589
00:58:06,571 --> 00:58:08,322
closest friends, They wanna tell people that they

1590
00:58:08,322 --> 00:58:10,175
trust. And while

1591
00:58:10,710 --> 00:58:13,893
I cannot relate to that, I want people

1592
00:58:13,893 --> 00:58:15,342
to do that if that's what they want.

1593
00:58:15,581 --> 00:58:16,855
God knows, I'd like to live in a

1594
00:58:16,855 --> 00:58:19,803
world where, you know, the internet doesn't decree

1595
00:58:19,803 --> 00:58:22,352
on any given day that this kin is,

1596
00:58:22,431 --> 00:58:24,278
you know, this negative thing or look like,

1597
00:58:24,437 --> 00:58:24,755
whenever.

1598
00:58:25,389 --> 00:58:28,192
But my whole point to wondering is if

1599
00:58:28,406 --> 00:58:30,097
in the discovery process

1600
00:58:30,550 --> 00:58:31,423
of the self,

1601
00:58:32,313 --> 00:58:34,785
and figure and being radically honest with yourself

1602
00:58:34,785 --> 00:58:37,655
about who you are. If that desire to

1603
00:58:37,655 --> 00:58:39,808
continue to be that honest just for some

1604
00:58:39,808 --> 00:58:41,896
people just transfer Well now Wanna be honest

1605
00:58:41,896 --> 00:58:42,396
with

1606
00:58:42,853 --> 00:58:44,528
everybody that matters to me. Right? Like.

1607
00:58:45,885 --> 00:58:47,878
And I... You know, that makes sense to

1608
00:58:47,878 --> 00:58:50,431
me if that is thing that people have

1609
00:58:50,431 --> 00:58:52,594
experienced. It doesn't have to make sense what...

1610
00:58:53,628 --> 00:58:56,252
All my caveats. Right? It doesn't have nothing

1611
00:58:56,252 --> 00:58:57,684
you do has to make sense to me

1612
00:58:57,684 --> 00:59:00,467
to be valid. I'm just in the conversation.

1613
00:59:01,038 --> 00:59:03,503
Thinking that I can see that. I can

1614
00:59:03,663 --> 00:59:05,492
I can absolutely see how that would work?

1615
00:59:05,651 --> 00:59:05,969
You know?

1616
00:59:07,082 --> 00:59:07,320
So...

1617
00:59:09,150 --> 00:59:09,467
Yeah.

1618
00:59:11,787 --> 00:59:14,726
Up in the live chat. Mh. Silent said,

1619
00:59:14,885 --> 00:59:16,315
what about... Let me see if I can

1620
00:59:16,315 --> 00:59:16,711
find it.

1621
00:59:17,982 --> 00:59:20,459
How that relates to imp center.

1622
00:59:22,206 --> 00:59:22,706
And

1623
00:59:23,476 --> 00:59:23,976
I

1624
00:59:25,143 --> 00:59:26,493
I think... I don't... If we haven't done

1625
00:59:26,493 --> 00:59:28,653
it, I think impostor syndrome who as a

1626
00:59:28,653 --> 00:59:29,690
topic would probably be...

1627
00:59:30,408 --> 00:59:31,365
I have to go back to the archives.

1628
00:59:31,525 --> 00:59:33,359
We might have done it 403

1629
00:59:33,359 --> 00:59:33,838
episodes later.

1630
00:59:36,630 --> 00:59:37,507
Impostor syndrome,

1631
00:59:38,319 --> 00:59:40,476
is an interesting concept because it's something that

1632
00:59:40,476 --> 00:59:42,393
for a long time I carried around as,

1633
00:59:42,473 --> 00:59:43,512
like, part of who I was part of

1634
00:59:43,512 --> 00:59:45,524
my identity. I have a impostor syndrome, And

1635
00:59:45,603 --> 00:59:46,720
I'll have to go dig it up. It

1636
00:59:46,720 --> 00:59:48,714
was a video. It was something I read.

1637
00:59:48,874 --> 00:59:50,092
It was something where

1638
00:59:50,868 --> 00:59:52,942
it was a video of a a high

1639
00:59:52,942 --> 00:59:53,442
powered

1640
00:59:53,978 --> 00:59:54,696
woman giving

1641
00:59:55,907 --> 00:59:59,195
commencement speech to a college, like, all female

1642
00:59:59,333 --> 01:00:01,643
graduating class or something. And she was talking

1643
01:00:01,643 --> 01:00:04,772
about how impostor syndrome is kind of the

1644
01:00:06,440 --> 01:00:08,775
it's not what we've been taught to internalize.

1645
01:00:09,791 --> 01:00:11,807
It's something that's kind of put on us

1646
01:00:11,945 --> 01:00:14,264
in Blah blah. So that is a an

1647
01:00:14,264 --> 01:00:16,113
as an idea and and

1648
01:00:16,486 --> 01:00:17,836
its own topic if we haven't done yet,

1649
01:00:17,994 --> 01:00:19,026
It's very interesting to me,

1650
01:00:19,820 --> 01:00:21,850
blah with impostor syndrome

1651
01:00:22,307 --> 01:00:24,402
as it relates to radical honesty,

1652
01:00:25,497 --> 01:00:27,831
I think that might be where

1653
01:00:28,209 --> 01:00:29,586
2 worlds collide

1654
01:00:30,453 --> 01:00:33,548
if radical honesty is to realize and embrace

1655
01:00:33,548 --> 01:00:36,009
within yourself that you are, whatever your kin

1656
01:00:36,009 --> 01:00:39,768
identity is. Right? Oh an impostor syndrome is

1657
01:00:39,768 --> 01:00:41,923
that feeling of ever... I don't know what

1658
01:00:42,003 --> 01:00:43,838
I'm doing. I'm not doing it Everybody knows.

1659
01:00:43,998 --> 01:00:45,275
I don't know what I'm doing. But I

1660
01:00:45,275 --> 01:00:47,283
get here I deserve that. I'm not doing...

1661
01:00:47,762 --> 01:00:49,835
You know, right. What I'm doing is nowhere

1662
01:00:49,835 --> 01:00:51,191
near as good as what that person is

1663
01:00:51,191 --> 01:00:53,684
doing. I feel like that is

1664
01:00:55,507 --> 01:00:57,174
only in terms of radical honesty, and I

1665
01:00:57,174 --> 01:00:58,047
think this is only, like,

1666
01:00:59,079 --> 01:01:02,668
1 1 millionth of a degree of all

1667
01:01:02,668 --> 01:01:04,660
of the things Could go into impostor syndrome,

1668
01:01:05,217 --> 01:01:06,891
I would say that that is the self

1669
01:01:06,891 --> 01:01:09,043
lying to itself. Because first of all, impostor

1670
01:01:09,043 --> 01:01:09,362
syndrome,

1671
01:01:09,920 --> 01:01:12,964
you Sometimes for some people comes from anxiety.

1672
01:01:13,124 --> 01:01:15,516
And anxiety is your lying brain lying to

1673
01:01:15,516 --> 01:01:16,791
you or. Yeah.

1674
01:01:18,880 --> 01:01:21,280
You know, it's it's telling you, hey, what

1675
01:01:21,280 --> 01:01:22,719
you would need to think about are all

1676
01:01:22,719 --> 01:01:24,239
the things that could happen in the future

1677
01:01:24,239 --> 01:01:26,239
that we can't actually predict, but we're gonna

1678
01:01:26,239 --> 01:01:28,247
try to predict. Them, and we're gonna tell

1679
01:01:28,247 --> 01:01:30,793
you it's a self protective thing, but actually,

1680
01:01:31,111 --> 01:01:33,179
it's gonna suck for you. Right? Like,

1681
01:01:34,309 --> 01:01:36,402
And so I almost feel like

1682
01:01:37,097 --> 01:01:38,314
on some level

1683
01:01:39,885 --> 01:01:42,849
that... And I've I've... Have the the feeling

1684
01:01:42,849 --> 01:01:44,443
before. So it's not to negate that the

1685
01:01:44,443 --> 01:01:46,676
feeling of impostor syndrome does not exist, it

1686
01:01:46,676 --> 01:01:49,307
absolutely does is a thing. Right? But if

1687
01:01:49,307 --> 01:01:51,259
it's got a... Front radical honesty.

1688
01:01:53,476 --> 01:01:56,193
It's it's it's almost the anti to radical

1689
01:01:56,193 --> 01:01:58,590
honesty. Because radical and honesty is this is

1690
01:01:58,590 --> 01:02:00,283
who I am, and this is this is

1691
01:02:00,283 --> 01:02:01,959
what is authentic to me in this moment.

1692
01:02:02,199 --> 01:02:04,354
Mh which means you own the fact that

1693
01:02:04,354 --> 01:02:06,668
you are the thing, whatever that thing is.

1694
01:02:06,828 --> 01:02:08,105
Then even have to be a king identity,

1695
01:02:08,519 --> 01:02:09,716
and it doesn't matter.

1696
01:02:10,275 --> 01:02:12,508
Somebody else's kin identity or what they're doing

1697
01:02:12,508 --> 01:02:14,663
with their identity or how it works or

1698
01:02:14,663 --> 01:02:17,474
what the worlds, says this kin identity does.

1699
01:02:17,954 --> 01:02:20,355
Radical honesty means I know myself in this...

1700
01:02:20,594 --> 01:02:22,514
And I am firm it. Mh.

1701
01:02:23,154 --> 01:02:24,134
Impostor syndrome

1702
01:02:26,123 --> 01:02:28,185
again, as a millionth of a degree of

1703
01:02:28,185 --> 01:02:30,565
the whole conversation because it's very nuanced. Mh.

1704
01:02:30,803 --> 01:02:31,755
Is the self going...

1705
01:02:32,880 --> 01:02:35,422
But are you new Right. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

1706
01:02:36,375 --> 01:02:36,875
So

1707
01:02:37,327 --> 01:02:38,463
and silent

1708
01:02:39,154 --> 01:02:39,972
makes a

1709
01:02:40,760 --> 01:02:44,359
nothing no episodes about impostor. So guess what

1710
01:02:44,359 --> 01:02:45,480
that'll be coming up at a point.

1711
01:02:49,252 --> 01:02:51,186
Do, you know, I... Do I personally

1712
01:02:51,561 --> 01:02:55,088
as an individual cable lords think radical honesty

1713
01:02:55,543 --> 01:02:59,220
of self and with others? Is it AAA

1714
01:02:59,220 --> 01:03:02,403
good thing. In general, yes. Yeah. I do

1715
01:03:02,403 --> 01:03:05,109
think the the way I express my radical

1716
01:03:05,109 --> 01:03:05,985
honesty to you,

1717
01:03:07,275 --> 01:03:10,231
I can admit it is probably not always

1718
01:03:10,231 --> 01:03:10,971
the healthiest

1719
01:03:11,350 --> 01:03:11,850
because

1720
01:03:12,229 --> 01:03:13,608
does it cause me

1721
01:03:14,067 --> 01:03:15,026
unnecessary an.

1722
01:03:16,639 --> 01:03:18,338
Sometime. Yeah. And

1723
01:03:18,796 --> 01:03:20,554
and yet there are times that I have

1724
01:03:20,554 --> 01:03:21,114
said to you,

1725
01:03:22,952 --> 01:03:24,150
I didn't even to know that much.

1726
01:03:25,204 --> 01:03:26,401
But I needed you to know that much.

1727
01:03:27,119 --> 01:03:27,779
And that

1728
01:03:28,556 --> 01:03:30,632
and that is a clash of things. Right?

1729
01:03:30,871 --> 01:03:32,627
Like, where does? Yeah. Your...

1730
01:03:34,079 --> 01:03:36,473
My need for you to know, Mh.

1731
01:03:37,032 --> 01:03:38,250
And and your

1732
01:03:38,867 --> 01:03:41,715
need to not know, began. Yep. And that's

1733
01:03:41,834 --> 01:03:43,590
I think the push and pull of figuring

1734
01:03:43,590 --> 01:03:45,985
that out. Mh. I, you know, I think

1735
01:03:45,985 --> 01:03:46,485
if

1736
01:03:47,342 --> 01:03:48,779
I would never tell. I think I have.

1737
01:03:48,939 --> 01:03:50,615
We're gonna talk about that later at some

1738
01:03:50,615 --> 01:03:50,695
point.

1739
01:03:51,507 --> 01:03:51,667
Okay.

1740
01:03:53,103 --> 01:03:53,262
You're...

1741
01:03:54,060 --> 01:03:56,373
I I know what my radical honesty gets

1742
01:03:56,373 --> 01:03:59,324
me. It it reduces my own personal anxiety

1743
01:03:59,324 --> 01:04:01,173
and it gets me in trouble. At the

1744
01:04:01,173 --> 01:04:03,348
same time. And that feels inherently

1745
01:04:03,885 --> 01:04:04,204
unfair,

1746
01:04:05,241 --> 01:04:07,075
but it is what it is... Trouble if

1747
01:04:07,075 --> 01:04:09,170
that's any conflict. Okay. That's what I needed.

1748
01:04:09,468 --> 01:04:11,635
We're not trouble. At what I need to

1749
01:04:11,635 --> 01:04:12,351
know. Yeah.

1750
01:04:13,546 --> 01:04:15,856
Because I'm absolutely still that little kid who

1751
01:04:15,856 --> 01:04:16,834
like walked around

1752
01:04:17,767 --> 01:04:18,882
yeah. A...

1753
01:04:19,694 --> 01:04:19,853
Like,

1754
01:04:20,730 --> 01:04:22,961
picture perfect child because I was so afraid

1755
01:04:22,961 --> 01:04:24,634
of getting in trouble and yet still managed

1756
01:04:24,634 --> 01:04:25,931
to get in trouble because

1757
01:04:26,387 --> 01:04:28,474
some people needed therapy more than they needed

1758
01:04:28,474 --> 01:04:29,908
to be parent. But whatever,

1759
01:04:30,307 --> 01:04:30,785
whatever.

1760
01:04:31,900 --> 01:04:33,494
What is that thing that I hear on

1761
01:04:33,494 --> 01:04:35,007
the Internet a lot is that a lot

1762
01:04:35,007 --> 01:04:36,623
of us are in therapy

1763
01:04:37,253 --> 01:04:39,007
for the things done to us by people

1764
01:04:39,007 --> 01:04:40,999
who refuse to go to therapy, like...

1765
01:04:41,716 --> 01:04:42,354
Yeah. Yeah.

1766
01:04:43,071 --> 01:04:43,231
Yep.

1767
01:04:44,426 --> 01:04:45,555
Yep. But, you know,

1768
01:04:46,510 --> 01:04:49,135
my brand of, I will say it to

1769
01:04:49,135 --> 01:04:51,521
my own detriment. I don't... I'm not saying

1770
01:04:51,521 --> 01:04:52,815
everybody up. Ought to be like that. Do

1771
01:04:52,974 --> 01:04:54,734
I think that more people ought be more

1772
01:04:54,734 --> 01:04:55,775
honest than they are?

1773
01:04:56,414 --> 01:04:58,594
Yeah. Because it goes back to

1774
01:04:58,894 --> 01:05:00,815
learn how to have the hard fucking conversation.

1775
01:05:01,150 --> 01:05:03,390
Say the hard thing. I will admit to

1776
01:05:03,470 --> 01:05:04,990
Jb that I fucked up, and I'll look

1777
01:05:04,990 --> 01:05:06,930
him in the eyes when I do it

1778
01:05:07,150 --> 01:05:07,650
because

1779
01:05:08,204 --> 01:05:09,960
he is a safe person for me to

1780
01:05:09,960 --> 01:05:12,774
have the hard conversation when we have gotten

1781
01:05:12,833 --> 01:05:13,811
through harder

1782
01:05:14,269 --> 01:05:16,678
conversations than me having to fucking admit. I

1783
01:05:16,678 --> 01:05:19,311
didn't full cheat. Like we've been there done

1784
01:05:19,311 --> 01:05:22,024
that. So I think some truth telling and

1785
01:05:22,024 --> 01:05:23,141
some radical honesty,

1786
01:05:23,794 --> 01:05:25,969
in your power and with a kin partner

1787
01:05:26,347 --> 01:05:26,847
is

1788
01:05:27,224 --> 01:05:29,219
necessary for you to to grow a deeper

1789
01:05:29,219 --> 01:05:32,177
bond. The hard part is not everybody is

1790
01:05:32,177 --> 01:05:32,677
worthy

1791
01:05:33,287 --> 01:05:36,061
of your rap... Your truth. Right? We've talked

1792
01:05:36,061 --> 01:05:38,043
about that when we talked about vulnerability and

1793
01:05:38,043 --> 01:05:38,494
intimacy. Not

1794
01:05:39,090 --> 01:05:41,473
everybody actually deserves that. And that's a hard

1795
01:05:41,473 --> 01:05:43,379
life lesson to go through a figure out

1796
01:05:43,379 --> 01:05:45,762
who the hell deserves it and who doesn't.

1797
01:05:47,127 --> 01:05:48,898
But I would rather more people

1798
01:05:49,748 --> 01:05:51,496
learn how to say the hard thing in

1799
01:05:51,496 --> 01:05:52,926
terms of hard thing isn't admitting when you

1800
01:05:52,926 --> 01:05:54,356
were wrong or admitting you did a thing

1801
01:05:54,356 --> 01:05:56,262
or admitting you didn't do a thing because

1802
01:05:56,342 --> 01:05:58,742
I think think that that is how that

1803
01:05:58,742 --> 01:06:00,036
bond grows and how

1804
01:06:00,411 --> 01:06:02,581
trust and integrity and all of that deepens

1805
01:06:02,876 --> 01:06:04,625
with a partner that you want it to

1806
01:06:04,625 --> 01:06:05,659
deepen with. Mh.

1807
01:06:06,295 --> 01:06:07,690
Think I do not think

1808
01:06:08,150 --> 01:06:09,750
anybody needs to go to the extremes with

1809
01:06:09,750 --> 01:06:10,230
what I get.

1810
01:06:11,110 --> 01:06:11,349
No.

1811
01:06:12,390 --> 01:06:13,989
You would never advocate for that.

1812
01:06:14,710 --> 01:06:16,963
When it comes to radical on, see of

1813
01:06:16,963 --> 01:06:19,521
self. I think that... I think anybody who

1814
01:06:19,521 --> 01:06:20,740
is able to

1815
01:06:21,119 --> 01:06:23,356
look themselves in the eye, like, go to

1816
01:06:23,356 --> 01:06:25,842
the mirror. Right? Or tell another human being

1817
01:06:25,842 --> 01:06:28,170
or whatever that, like, deep that

1818
01:06:28,545 --> 01:06:31,645
admission looks like and go. I'm kinky and

1819
01:06:31,645 --> 01:06:34,307
here's what that means. Me, you've already found

1820
01:06:34,364 --> 01:06:35,956
a sense of radical honesty.

1821
01:06:36,752 --> 01:06:39,219
The fact that anything out told you back

1822
01:06:39,219 --> 01:06:41,128
is just part of the process. Like,

1823
01:06:41,765 --> 01:06:42,258
for you know,

1824
01:06:42,974 --> 01:06:44,329
I don't think you wake up 1 day,

1825
01:06:44,648 --> 01:06:47,117
fully actual of, I know exactly who I

1826
01:06:47,117 --> 01:06:48,472
am. And I know what that means, and

1827
01:06:48,551 --> 01:06:49,684
I'm ready to... Do all the things, and

1828
01:06:49,764 --> 01:06:51,442
I will never be nervous about it again?

1829
01:06:51,602 --> 01:06:51,762
Like,

1830
01:06:52,721 --> 01:06:54,399
okay. What drugs are you taking and could

1831
01:06:54,399 --> 01:06:56,557
you share? Because the rest of us mere

1832
01:06:56,557 --> 01:06:59,608
mortals wake up on Monday and go, yeah.

1833
01:06:59,848 --> 01:07:02,644
I'm kinky. Okay. Now on Tuesday we wake

1834
01:07:02,644 --> 01:07:03,762
up and go what the fuck does that

1835
01:07:03,762 --> 01:07:04,961
even mean and how do I find a

1836
01:07:04,961 --> 01:07:06,885
partner and what Am I gotta fuck this

1837
01:07:06,885 --> 01:07:08,474
like, I mean, that's just part of the

1838
01:07:08,474 --> 01:07:10,698
process. Now what? Right. Now what?

1839
01:07:11,889 --> 01:07:12,286
So... Yeah.

1840
01:07:14,209 --> 01:07:14,709
So

1841
01:07:16,527 --> 01:07:16,847
Yeah.

1842
01:07:18,684 --> 01:07:20,523
I have run out of steam, So I

1843
01:07:20,523 --> 01:07:22,941
can actually honestly say that while things will

1844
01:07:23,480 --> 01:07:25,325
occur to me later of, oh, you definitely

1845
01:07:25,325 --> 01:07:26,916
should set that. Right now,

1846
01:07:27,632 --> 01:07:28,427
I'm out of words.

1847
01:07:30,987 --> 01:07:32,022
So I guess we could

1848
01:07:32,818 --> 01:07:34,091
kindly wrap it up and head into the

1849
01:07:34,091 --> 01:07:36,239
bonus second. We can. And there's there's stuff

1850
01:07:36,239 --> 01:07:37,911
for the bonus. Should. Yeah. Yeah.

1851
01:07:38,802 --> 01:07:41,590
So that's that on radical honesty.

1852
01:07:41,988 --> 01:07:43,205
Okay. So are we

1853
01:07:43,581 --> 01:07:45,230
are we good? I have no fucking glasses

1854
01:07:46,628 --> 01:07:48,226
Keep it jin on. And we'll see you

1855
01:07:48,226 --> 01:07:48,626
next week.

1856
01:08:00,024 --> 01:08:00,896
Yes, baby girl.

1857
01:08:01,688 --> 01:08:03,455
Can we talk for the crickets, please. Yeah.

1858
01:08:03,694 --> 01:08:06,564
Yeah. So first, I'd just like say, happy

1859
01:08:06,564 --> 01:08:09,913
your birthday Andre? Oh, yeah Caught. Alright. All

1860
01:08:09,913 --> 01:08:11,599
the people we know. I'll even damn cancers.

1861
01:08:12,076 --> 01:08:13,504
All these summer babies you know where our

1862
01:08:13,504 --> 01:08:15,409
parents are doing in the cold months? What

1863
01:08:15,409 --> 01:08:16,440
else was there to do?

1864
01:08:17,234 --> 01:08:17,734
Apparently.

1865
01:08:19,079 --> 01:08:21,239
Hey. I know how old you are what

1866
01:08:21,239 --> 01:08:22,680
else was there to do in the cold

1867
01:08:22,680 --> 01:08:22,840
month.

1868
01:08:25,560 --> 01:08:28,203
And deep. And yeah and technically, my parents

1869
01:08:28,203 --> 01:08:30,032
too, but it was Florida. It was Florida

1870
01:08:30,112 --> 01:08:31,725
Winter. Yeah. That was January.

1871
01:08:32,100 --> 01:08:33,626
They were... That's when it gets cold in

1872
01:08:33,784 --> 01:08:35,451
Florida. So I know what they were doing

1873
01:08:35,451 --> 01:08:35,927
to keep.

1874
01:08:37,595 --> 01:08:39,341
And then my mother pushed out a nearly

1875
01:08:39,341 --> 01:08:40,079
9 pound.

1876
01:08:41,104 --> 01:08:43,735
And thank you for the birthday wishes spoke.

1877
01:08:43,974 --> 01:08:46,127
Yes. If you're joining us after, like, late

1878
01:08:46,127 --> 01:08:47,005
and you're like, what the fuck?

1879
01:08:48,360 --> 01:08:50,686
Jb birthday is Friday, July twelfth. For podcast

1880
01:08:50,686 --> 01:08:52,537
listeners sn. It's the day this episode

1881
01:08:53,149 --> 01:08:53,626
goes live.

1882
01:08:54,261 --> 01:08:56,090
Everybody else. Like watching on video or whatever.

1883
01:08:56,566 --> 01:08:59,281
For time travel. For So... Mh. Mh. Mh.

1884
01:09:00,154 --> 01:09:00,654
So

1885
01:09:01,582 --> 01:09:02,772
you have a big announcement.

1886
01:09:05,010 --> 01:09:06,684
Still doesn't feel real. I know it doesn't.

1887
01:09:06,923 --> 01:09:08,359
Y'all... He's h this up and you're gonna

1888
01:09:08,359 --> 01:09:10,135
be like, what, the fuck... It's it's big.

1889
01:09:10,991 --> 01:09:12,985
It's it's big for us. If for us.

1890
01:09:13,145 --> 01:09:15,470
It's not big like in don't know. It...

1891
01:09:15,630 --> 01:09:17,379
It's not earth chatter. It's not gonna... But

1892
01:09:17,379 --> 01:09:20,560
it is. It stop stop stop the world

1893
01:09:20,560 --> 01:09:21,615
or, you know, Anything.

1894
01:09:21,990 --> 01:09:24,057
But it it's a big, very big deal

1895
01:09:24,057 --> 01:09:25,287
for us. Mh.

1896
01:09:28,201 --> 01:09:29,391
We finished eighth grade.

1897
01:09:32,504 --> 01:09:33,802
Finally, our first

1898
01:09:34,260 --> 01:09:35,399
year of homeschooling.

1899
01:09:37,135 --> 01:09:38,651
I'm a need to become 1 of those

1900
01:09:38,651 --> 01:09:40,886
moms who... 1 owns a Stanley because I

1901
01:09:40,886 --> 01:09:42,417
don't even own a Stanley. And who puts

1902
01:09:42,417 --> 01:09:45,204
her alcohol in it because mh. I'm pretty

1903
01:09:45,204 --> 01:09:47,275
sure that would make the school stuff much

1904
01:09:47,275 --> 01:09:48,072
more interesting.

1905
01:09:48,630 --> 01:09:50,643
I just boost it up a little bit

1906
01:09:51,273 --> 01:09:53,285
so so, yes. We we are

1907
01:09:54,377 --> 01:09:54,775
now,

1908
01:09:56,527 --> 01:09:59,670
officially parents of a high school? Yes. Rising

1909
01:09:59,808 --> 01:10:02,524
ninth grader. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna be old

1910
01:10:02,524 --> 01:10:04,202
fashioned and old fashioned for the south because

1911
01:10:04,282 --> 01:10:06,292
I think, like you Northern folks still have

1912
01:10:06,292 --> 01:10:08,989
this experience. He's not starting school till after

1913
01:10:08,989 --> 01:10:10,418
labor day. Yeah. No.

1914
01:10:11,132 --> 01:10:13,116
The the rest of his peers here in

1915
01:10:13,116 --> 01:10:15,276
the county will start. I think I'm august

1916
01:10:15,276 --> 01:10:17,423
fucking fifth. What the hell is that shit?

1917
01:10:17,742 --> 01:10:18,060
I know.

1918
01:10:18,776 --> 01:10:20,764
I know. No. We're gonna We're gonna take

1919
01:10:20,764 --> 01:10:22,553
off. They keep. Moving it

1920
01:10:23,409 --> 01:10:26,201
and further. But now. But but, yeah, we...

1921
01:10:26,360 --> 01:10:28,912
We're we're definitely taking bit of a break.

1922
01:10:29,311 --> 01:10:30,907
We need other things to focus on at

1923
01:10:30,907 --> 01:10:31,305
the moment.

1924
01:10:31,957 --> 01:10:34,260
I again still hasn't quite sunk in.

1925
01:10:35,054 --> 01:10:37,936
Because we had kind even to... So Tuesday

1926
01:10:37,992 --> 01:10:38,945
day before recording.

1927
01:10:39,833 --> 01:10:41,739
It was his last call with a teacher,

1928
01:10:41,978 --> 01:10:43,885
his last exam. We did them back to

1929
01:10:43,885 --> 01:10:45,872
back, which was not his normal thing, but

1930
01:10:45,872 --> 01:10:46,824
that's how we did it because we wanted

1931
01:10:46,824 --> 01:10:47,858
to get fucking done with this.

1932
01:10:48,907 --> 01:10:49,407
So

1933
01:10:50,737 --> 01:10:52,726
the that Tuesday it didn't feel real because

1934
01:10:52,726 --> 01:10:53,681
we had done school.

1935
01:10:54,477 --> 01:10:56,705
Today, it doesn't quite feel real because with

1936
01:10:56,705 --> 01:10:58,868
this with us live. I Wednesdays is we're

1937
01:10:58,868 --> 01:11:00,220
always kind of a weird day for school.

1938
01:11:00,698 --> 01:11:00,857
Anyway,

1939
01:11:01,891 --> 01:11:04,119
I'm thinking it's not gonna feel real probably

1940
01:11:04,119 --> 01:11:06,442
till next week when I'm going into the

1941
01:11:06,442 --> 01:11:08,989
week and no conversation that I have with

1942
01:11:08,989 --> 01:11:11,615
anybody is about what assignment to do what

1943
01:11:11,615 --> 01:11:13,698
no Who's gonna sit the kid because even

1944
01:11:13,698 --> 01:11:15,290
when he didn't need help school, he needs

1945
01:11:15,290 --> 01:11:16,563
a needs body.

1946
01:11:16,961 --> 01:11:18,313
Just needs somebody there and you can do

1947
01:11:18,313 --> 01:11:20,637
it. And it's, like, who's gonna do do

1948
01:11:20,796 --> 01:11:22,312
I have to text the teacher? Do I

1949
01:11:22,312 --> 01:11:23,509
have to email a teacher? Like,

1950
01:11:24,466 --> 01:11:26,380
none of that. And the way we're gonna

1951
01:11:26,380 --> 01:11:28,613
try to have it for his first year,

1952
01:11:28,773 --> 01:11:30,863
high school is I well, I'm not a

1953
01:11:30,863 --> 01:11:33,661
teacher. The curriculum we pay money for. Will

1954
01:11:33,661 --> 01:11:35,578
hopefully be the. But, like, there's no email

1955
01:11:35,578 --> 01:11:36,697
and no damn is me,

1956
01:11:37,656 --> 01:11:41,025
which I know. That what's gonna happen, come

1957
01:11:41,025 --> 01:11:42,781
whatever the day after Labor Day is this

1958
01:11:42,781 --> 01:11:45,335
year is when the panic will set in

1959
01:11:45,335 --> 01:11:47,271
of what do you mean is just me

1960
01:11:47,664 --> 01:11:48,884
I'm not fucking qualified.

1961
01:11:51,020 --> 01:11:52,939
So... But I got a couple of months

1962
01:11:52,939 --> 01:11:54,217
before I gotta work about.

1963
01:11:59,171 --> 01:11:59,489
Yep.

1964
01:12:00,443 --> 01:12:02,589
So, yeah. Yep. Good bill. Mh.

1965
01:12:03,542 --> 01:12:05,132
And he, you know, he ended.

1966
01:12:05,624 --> 01:12:07,536
At all with decent grades. You did.

1967
01:12:08,970 --> 01:12:10,564
You did 1 a.

1968
01:12:11,760 --> 01:12:13,273
Overall, it was like a couple of a's,

1969
01:12:13,432 --> 01:12:15,127
mostly b's and 1

1970
01:12:15,837 --> 01:12:18,225
little c, which was 1 of those c's

1971
01:12:18,225 --> 01:12:18,782
that, like,

1972
01:12:19,578 --> 01:12:21,010
half a point and it would have been

1973
01:12:21,010 --> 01:12:23,556
a be. Yeah. Yeah. But I also don't

1974
01:12:23,556 --> 01:12:24,830
fucking care. It was as hard as fucking

1975
01:12:24,830 --> 01:12:26,523
class and he earned that fucking. Yep.

1976
01:12:27,162 --> 01:12:29,239
So quite frankly so did I. Because... And

1977
01:12:29,239 --> 01:12:31,077
and you know what? I I look it

1978
01:12:31,077 --> 01:12:32,995
this way. Everybody can't be good at everything.

1979
01:12:33,315 --> 01:12:34,686
Nah. Us See, And I'm...

1980
01:12:35,883 --> 01:12:37,159
It's yet another

1981
01:12:37,957 --> 01:12:40,509
moment where I'm purposely being the exact opposite

1982
01:12:40,509 --> 01:12:43,061
of how I was parent. The expectation was

1983
01:12:43,141 --> 01:12:44,744
I would come home straight a's. If it

1984
01:12:44,744 --> 01:12:46,965
wasn't an a, what the fuck did Id

1985
01:12:46,965 --> 01:12:48,312
wrong. That was... That was how I was

1986
01:12:48,312 --> 01:12:50,136
raised. And so I'm like, I just need

1987
01:12:50,136 --> 01:12:51,246
to know that you're putting in the f

1988
01:12:51,246 --> 01:12:52,296
for that you can put in.

1989
01:12:53,333 --> 01:12:55,167
Right. And if there's effort there, and that's

1990
01:12:55,167 --> 01:12:56,681
what the greatest is. That's what the greatest

1991
01:12:56,681 --> 01:12:57,798
is. Yep. So...

1992
01:12:58,436 --> 01:12:58,676
Yeah.

1993
01:13:00,350 --> 01:13:01,954
That Yeah. But I get we both get

1994
01:13:01,954 --> 01:13:02,750
a couple months off.

1995
01:13:03,625 --> 01:13:06,407
We're both very excited about it. Yeah.

1996
01:13:07,362 --> 01:13:09,429
So, yeah. So yeah, that's the... That's the

1997
01:13:09,429 --> 01:13:09,587
thing.

1998
01:13:10,399 --> 01:13:10,719
And

1999
01:13:12,238 --> 01:13:13,436
Lola was doing okay?

2000
01:13:14,076 --> 01:13:14,315
Yeah.

2001
01:13:16,473 --> 01:13:18,711
Not gonna to say she's a hundred percent

2002
01:13:18,711 --> 01:13:21,440
herself. No. But she's per year than she

2003
01:13:21,440 --> 01:13:23,435
she's perk than than she has been.

2004
01:13:24,792 --> 01:13:25,292
We've

2005
01:13:26,309 --> 01:13:29,110
we've redo doubled our effort. To monitor her

2006
01:13:29,110 --> 01:13:29,348
food.

2007
01:13:32,125 --> 01:13:32,760
Once again,

2008
01:13:34,109 --> 01:13:35,085
she is taking

2009
01:13:35,394 --> 01:13:36,054
the thyroid

2010
01:13:36,431 --> 01:13:38,586
medication. Mh. She takes pills so well, because

2011
01:13:38,586 --> 01:13:39,485
she'll eat in

2012
01:13:39,863 --> 01:13:42,656
in. So she'll eat it. She even know

2013
01:13:42,656 --> 01:13:44,261
that is a pill. Yeah. So, you know,

2014
01:13:44,421 --> 01:13:46,430
she she started the the thyroid

2015
01:13:46,804 --> 01:13:48,314
medication. She's been on that for a little

2016
01:13:48,314 --> 01:13:48,552
bit.

2017
01:13:51,094 --> 01:13:51,412
She's...

2018
01:13:57,306 --> 01:14:00,246
Maybe not quite half into the antibiotic.

2019
01:14:00,896 --> 01:14:01,850
That she was taking.

2020
01:14:03,439 --> 01:14:05,027
Lauren she takes 3 and a half pills

2021
01:14:05,027 --> 01:14:05,583
of the ant.

2022
01:14:06,536 --> 01:14:08,522
Oh my gosh. I'm trying to hide those.

2023
01:14:08,760 --> 01:14:08,920
That's...

2024
01:14:09,635 --> 01:14:09,872
Yeah.

2025
01:14:10,524 --> 01:14:10,604
But,

2026
01:14:12,360 --> 01:14:14,275
yeah. She she seems to be doing okay.

2027
01:14:15,313 --> 01:14:17,867
I... You know, the the Vet did talk

2028
01:14:17,867 --> 01:14:18,745
about side effects.

2029
01:14:19,478 --> 01:14:22,052
Possible side effects from from the medic different

2030
01:14:22,190 --> 01:14:22,349
medications.

2031
01:14:23,306 --> 01:14:23,864
So far,

2032
01:14:24,822 --> 01:14:25,561
have not

2033
01:14:26,177 --> 01:14:28,172
really seen any any of the side effects.

2034
01:14:28,411 --> 01:14:28,730
Mh.

2035
01:14:29,222 --> 01:14:29,619
With her.

2036
01:14:30,652 --> 01:14:30,969
So

2037
01:14:33,113 --> 01:14:34,860
yeah. She's she seems she seems to be

2038
01:14:34,860 --> 01:14:37,639
doing okay last night. Oh my gosh. She

2039
01:14:37,639 --> 01:14:40,047
she was in a playful mood. Oh, yeah.

2040
01:14:40,287 --> 01:14:41,485
I don't know if you you were sitting

2041
01:14:41,485 --> 01:14:41,725
with.

2042
01:14:42,764 --> 01:14:44,282
I was doing history. With the youngest,

2043
01:14:44,921 --> 01:14:45,240
and

2044
01:14:46,372 --> 01:14:48,039
she she decided to play me and her

2045
01:14:48,039 --> 01:14:49,095
and eye. We were

2046
01:14:49,548 --> 01:14:50,342
playing tug war.

2047
01:14:51,453 --> 01:14:53,596
Back here and and she... Yeah. Because I

2048
01:14:53,596 --> 01:14:55,445
looked at... 14 year I went. What's that

2049
01:14:55,445 --> 01:14:57,039
noise? And he's like, I think, mister John

2050
01:14:57,039 --> 01:14:58,874
and Lola play, And I was like, oh,

2051
01:14:59,273 --> 01:14:59,511
okay.

2052
01:15:01,586 --> 01:15:02,702
Lola takes her

2053
01:15:03,340 --> 01:15:05,586
The tug war very serious. You had to

2054
01:15:05,586 --> 01:15:07,338
get a special tug of award toy so

2055
01:15:07,338 --> 01:15:08,773
she wouldn't tear anymore. Right.

2056
01:15:09,489 --> 01:15:11,243
And it it holding up pretty well. It's

2057
01:15:11,243 --> 01:15:12,198
holding up very well.

2058
01:15:14,204 --> 01:15:16,988
So... She's sn now. Yeah. And

2059
01:15:18,102 --> 01:15:18,818
I'm, you know,

2060
01:15:20,822 --> 01:15:23,129
I have been doing better with my back.

2061
01:15:24,481 --> 01:15:27,528
And and I with that, I have been

2062
01:15:27,679 --> 01:15:29,662
trying make sure I get her out more

2063
01:15:29,662 --> 01:15:30,162
often

2064
01:15:30,614 --> 01:15:32,519
Yes for walk. To the point that she

2065
01:15:32,519 --> 01:15:32,995
now

2066
01:15:34,265 --> 01:15:34,765
will

2067
01:15:35,469 --> 01:15:37,293
let us know in know uncertain terms that

2068
01:15:37,293 --> 01:15:39,276
she would like to go forward. Thank you

2069
01:15:39,276 --> 01:15:40,148
very much. Yeah.

2070
01:15:41,734 --> 01:15:41,893
So,

2071
01:15:43,654 --> 01:15:45,881
You know, yeah. Been been doing that with

2072
01:15:45,881 --> 01:15:47,176
her. Mh.

2073
01:15:47,709 --> 01:15:50,412
And we're still walking? Yeah. We did it

2074
01:15:50,412 --> 01:15:52,002
this morning day recording. Mh.

2075
01:15:52,972 --> 01:15:54,722
Tell me, I mean, and we're each of

2076
01:15:54,722 --> 01:15:56,552
our own individual experience of this damn walk.

2077
01:15:56,871 --> 01:15:58,860
The past few times that we did it.

2078
01:15:59,099 --> 01:15:59,337
I...

2079
01:16:00,053 --> 01:16:01,247
I mean, it felt like I was trying

2080
01:16:01,247 --> 01:16:03,408
to move my body through mud. Like, I

2081
01:16:03,408 --> 01:16:05,555
was un coordinated. I couldn't get my arms

2082
01:16:05,555 --> 01:16:07,645
and my legs to, like, move together

2083
01:16:08,337 --> 01:16:09,212
today. Mh.

2084
01:16:09,863 --> 01:16:11,697
Like, it was stream. Like, I I think

2085
01:16:11,697 --> 01:16:13,689
we were moving faster than we normally did.

2086
01:16:13,929 --> 01:16:15,603
I I think it was almost easy today.

2087
01:16:15,842 --> 01:16:16,081
Yeah.

2088
01:16:18,804 --> 01:16:19,997
Definitely moving faster.

2089
01:16:20,632 --> 01:16:23,414
Okay. Definitely definitely moving faster. We we've we've

2090
01:16:23,414 --> 01:16:24,130
we've certainly...

2091
01:16:24,765 --> 01:16:26,912
If we we we certainly picked up the

2092
01:16:26,912 --> 01:16:27,071
pace.

2093
01:16:29,945 --> 01:16:31,398
Now see this morning

2094
01:16:31,771 --> 01:16:32,271
and

2095
01:16:33,915 --> 01:16:34,788
Monday, Mh.

2096
01:16:35,759 --> 01:16:37,537
But those days were

2097
01:16:38,315 --> 01:16:41,431
rough. Oh, were they for me? My... Monday

2098
01:16:41,511 --> 01:16:42,710
Monday was actually the worst.

2099
01:16:43,602 --> 01:16:46,013
To me Monday felt like the humidity

2100
01:16:46,548 --> 01:16:49,017
was already at at that hour the morning

2101
01:16:49,017 --> 01:16:50,132
just miserable.

2102
01:16:50,530 --> 01:16:52,854
Last week was really rough. And Monday was

2103
01:16:52,854 --> 01:16:53,970
rough for me. Mh.

2104
01:16:54,608 --> 01:16:56,439
But I don't... For me, I don't ever

2105
01:16:56,439 --> 01:16:58,431
chalk it up to the, like, humidity is

2106
01:16:58,431 --> 01:17:01,552
truly, like, getting my body to want to

2107
01:17:01,552 --> 01:17:03,142
move almost like a Marion.

2108
01:17:04,017 --> 01:17:05,926
Like, who's got the strings because they don't

2109
01:17:05,926 --> 01:17:07,754
know what the fuck they're doing. Right? But

2110
01:17:07,754 --> 01:17:08,708
today I was just like,

2111
01:17:09,597 --> 01:17:12,087
I was almost gaze cell like in my.

2112
01:17:12,541 --> 01:17:14,927
They were smooth and fluid, like the arms

2113
01:17:14,927 --> 01:17:16,854
and legs knew what to do. Because you

2114
01:17:16,854 --> 01:17:17,354
noticed

2115
01:17:17,895 --> 01:17:20,614
Monday, and again, today. Mh. You didn't do

2116
01:17:20,614 --> 01:17:22,135
the back. We all the way down and

2117
01:17:22,135 --> 01:17:22,935
back. Yeah.

2118
01:17:23,494 --> 01:17:26,066
So on the street... We live on. Our

2119
01:17:26,066 --> 01:17:27,979
house is, like, kind of in the middle

2120
01:17:27,979 --> 01:17:31,169
street. Right? And the street doesn't end and,

2121
01:17:31,248 --> 01:17:33,640
like, go another road technically. Technically.

2122
01:17:34,054 --> 01:17:34,850
A dead end. Yeah.

2123
01:17:37,395 --> 01:17:39,225
So what Jb had been doing for a

2124
01:17:39,225 --> 01:17:41,078
while, and I had, like, gotten

2125
01:17:41,784 --> 01:17:44,166
myself, just... I just accepted it. I wasn't

2126
01:17:44,166 --> 01:17:45,221
pounding anymore

2127
01:17:45,594 --> 01:17:47,341
is we would on our way back. We

2128
01:17:47,341 --> 01:17:49,578
would bypass our house. Down to the end

2129
01:17:49,578 --> 01:17:50,929
of the street and then come back up.

2130
01:17:51,326 --> 01:17:53,154
Yeah. But he doesn't slow the pace down

2131
01:17:53,154 --> 01:17:54,822
so that it's a cool down. We're still

2132
01:17:54,822 --> 01:17:55,854
going at full force.

2133
01:17:56,489 --> 01:17:57,681
I would say, maybe that should be our

2134
01:17:57,681 --> 01:17:59,844
cool down, but whatever do I know? But

2135
01:17:59,844 --> 01:18:01,438
the past... Yeah, couple days you hadn't done

2136
01:18:01,438 --> 01:18:02,894
it. Yeah. And I've

2137
01:18:03,430 --> 01:18:05,581
gotten very... I don't know if I'm... If

2138
01:18:05,581 --> 01:18:06,617
this is the correct way I think about

2139
01:18:06,617 --> 01:18:08,863
it, but kinda zen like about it. When

2140
01:18:08,863 --> 01:18:10,454
we turn back down on our street, and

2141
01:18:10,454 --> 01:18:12,126
we're getting closer to our house I don't

2142
01:18:12,205 --> 01:18:12,921
I tell myself,

2143
01:18:13,797 --> 01:18:15,945
if we turn if we turn and go

2144
01:18:15,945 --> 01:18:17,617
up the driveway. Great. If we don't...

2145
01:18:18,270 --> 01:18:18,590
Fine.

2146
01:18:19,149 --> 01:18:21,729
I'm prepared for whichever 1 he chooses

2147
01:18:22,510 --> 01:18:24,270
this is fine. And I've... In the moment,

2148
01:18:24,510 --> 01:18:25,949
I don't sound like in now. I know,

2149
01:18:26,029 --> 01:18:28,284
but in the moment, Genuinely believe it? Mh.

2150
01:18:28,685 --> 01:18:30,524
That does not mean though that the moment

2151
01:18:30,604 --> 01:18:31,965
I see that he's turned up the driveway.

2152
01:18:32,125 --> 01:18:34,260
My brain goes, oh, fucking god. Do you

2153
01:18:35,814 --> 01:18:35,974
Yeah.

2154
01:18:38,765 --> 01:18:40,520
You know, we're we're doing okay with it.

2155
01:18:40,680 --> 01:18:43,073
We're we're holding in there. Now how it

2156
01:18:43,073 --> 01:18:44,244
will hold up through

2157
01:18:45,156 --> 01:18:45,552
August.

2158
01:18:46,504 --> 01:18:48,645
Mh. We can't go any fucking earlier, and,

2159
01:18:48,803 --> 01:18:51,102
you know, the main street that we walked

2160
01:18:51,102 --> 01:18:53,101
down for first part of our walk after

2161
01:18:53,101 --> 01:18:55,166
we get off our road, it has been

2162
01:18:55,166 --> 01:18:57,151
dark lately, like darker than usual.

2163
01:18:57,865 --> 01:18:59,374
Partly of couple street lights are out here.

2164
01:18:59,533 --> 01:19:01,768
Yeah. And it's an overcast and... Right. There

2165
01:19:01,768 --> 01:19:03,749
was 1 house that always left their back,

2166
01:19:04,145 --> 01:19:06,364
porch lights on, Like, they had these hanging

2167
01:19:06,364 --> 01:19:08,762
lights. And they They've changed in some way

2168
01:19:08,762 --> 01:19:10,853
1 night they were out, whatever. So

2169
01:19:11,706 --> 01:19:13,217
today, Jb wore a head lamp.

2170
01:19:15,939 --> 01:19:16,997
What I learned

2171
01:19:17,373 --> 01:19:20,243
about Jb, wearing a head lamp. For the

2172
01:19:20,243 --> 01:19:22,529
walk 1, there was a little a little

2173
01:19:22,729 --> 01:19:24,164
light, that made me feel better. I was,

2174
01:19:24,403 --> 01:19:26,157
I felt a little calmer. But I also

2175
01:19:26,157 --> 01:19:27,752
learned that this man's head is on a

2176
01:19:27,752 --> 01:19:28,810
fucking swivel.

2177
01:19:32,074 --> 01:19:34,470
I learned trying to follow the light as

2178
01:19:34,470 --> 01:19:36,548
like, that's letting me know what's gonna bad

2179
01:19:36,548 --> 01:19:39,105
and the lights. Oh, it's back. It's forth

2180
01:19:39,105 --> 01:19:40,735
it... Street. This is

2181
01:19:41,430 --> 01:19:43,580
every road, and he had a pattern and

2182
01:19:43,580 --> 01:19:46,447
he had a tempo to it. We would

2183
01:19:46,447 --> 01:19:47,563
turn down a new road.

2184
01:19:48,614 --> 01:19:50,452
Left, right center,

2185
01:19:51,011 --> 01:19:54,207
about 5 seconds, left. Right. And I'm trying

2186
01:19:54,207 --> 01:19:56,939
to, like, let the light shine, like, all

2187
01:19:56,939 --> 01:19:58,291
the light on the road, so I could

2188
01:19:58,291 --> 01:19:59,962
see what's coming and every time he would

2189
01:19:59,962 --> 01:20:01,019
move up I'm like, god.

2190
01:20:01,553 --> 01:20:02,372
More walking.

2191
01:20:03,940 --> 01:20:06,511
All This is also because I'm scanning I'm

2192
01:20:06,511 --> 01:20:06,832
scanning.

2193
01:20:08,270 --> 01:20:10,427
And that's a good thing because he... So

2194
01:20:10,427 --> 01:20:12,185
look, for all my radical honesty bullshit,

2195
01:20:13,158 --> 01:20:14,595
I don't wanna know what I don't wanna

2196
01:20:14,595 --> 01:20:14,834
know.

2197
01:20:16,509 --> 01:20:18,822
And I could never do a 05:30AM

2198
01:20:18,822 --> 01:20:20,656
walk in the total fucking dark by myself.

2199
01:20:20,895 --> 01:20:22,252
Wouldn't do it. Can't do it.

2200
01:20:23,145 --> 01:20:24,984
But him with me is the only way

2201
01:20:24,984 --> 01:20:27,304
it's happening. I feel a modi come of

2202
01:20:27,304 --> 01:20:29,385
comfort because he's already proven that if we

2203
01:20:29,385 --> 01:20:31,545
think something's coming at us, he shows me

2204
01:20:31,545 --> 01:20:32,104
behind him. It's...

2205
01:20:32,759 --> 01:20:34,274
Wonderful because thank god. Okay.

2206
01:20:37,145 --> 01:20:39,936
Mentally, I'm ready, like, and it's... When it's

2207
01:20:39,936 --> 01:20:42,225
mental stuff, I will be the warrior, I'll

2208
01:20:42,344 --> 01:20:43,537
put him to the back of protecting book.

2209
01:20:43,777 --> 01:20:46,403
Physically, I need somebody to hide behind. But

2210
01:20:46,403 --> 01:20:48,393
my thing is because denial is powerful. I'm

2211
01:20:48,393 --> 01:20:50,319
like, if I don't look around and I

2212
01:20:50,319 --> 01:20:51,913
don't see the danger at the danger just

2213
01:20:51,913 --> 01:20:52,631
not exist.

2214
01:20:53,349 --> 01:20:54,067
So his

2215
01:20:54,944 --> 01:20:58,135
Eyes Invisible. Nobody could see me. His heads

2216
01:20:58,135 --> 01:20:59,911
on a swivel and I'm just like

2217
01:21:00,222 --> 01:21:02,843
look ahead, make eye contact with nothing.

2218
01:21:03,479 --> 01:21:05,408
That's how you get safely through.

2219
01:21:05,862 --> 01:21:06,259
Yeah.

2220
01:21:07,132 --> 01:21:07,768
We, you know,

2221
01:21:08,500 --> 01:21:09,000
we

2222
01:21:10,020 --> 01:21:11,640
have been now

2223
01:21:12,020 --> 01:21:13,619
twice. Actually, 3 times,

2224
01:21:14,420 --> 01:21:15,539
twice by 1 dog,

2225
01:21:16,431 --> 01:21:19,295
want by another. Mh. You know? And in

2226
01:21:19,295 --> 01:21:19,533
our walk.

2227
01:21:21,283 --> 01:21:23,609
They have been very friendly. Yeah Yeah. I'm

2228
01:21:23,609 --> 01:21:25,770
very puppy like both. Mh. 1 was a

2229
01:21:25,770 --> 01:21:27,930
pity, like, a white. Yeah. Was like, I

2230
01:21:28,010 --> 01:21:29,210
I couldn't tell the dark, what color of

2231
01:21:29,210 --> 01:21:31,425
the spot brown. Maybe Brown, but

2232
01:21:31,863 --> 01:21:32,899
sweet baby Yeah.

2233
01:21:33,617 --> 01:21:36,510
Such a puppy and such a goof ball

2234
01:21:36,807 --> 01:21:40,237
that the puppy got the Zoom ran around

2235
01:21:40,237 --> 01:21:42,792
us, round his mom, and then tripped over

2236
01:21:42,792 --> 01:21:44,006
his own feet

2237
01:21:44,377 --> 01:21:45,566
now zoom.

2238
01:21:46,359 --> 01:21:48,340
And, you know, that... It's only happened twice

2239
01:21:48,340 --> 01:21:51,067
his that we've met with. And and and

2240
01:21:51,067 --> 01:21:53,060
the owner was running out. She's like, he's

2241
01:21:53,060 --> 01:21:55,453
friendly. He's friendly. And I'm like, I know

2242
01:21:55,453 --> 01:21:56,809
he's looking my hand, right.

2243
01:21:59,380 --> 01:21:59,880
But,

2244
01:22:01,460 --> 01:22:02,260
yeah. I...

2245
01:22:03,859 --> 01:22:06,579
Yeah. Learning that you are constantly scanning. I...

2246
01:22:06,739 --> 01:22:06,979
I mean,

2247
01:22:08,114 --> 01:22:09,635
Once I realized what you were doing, I

2248
01:22:09,635 --> 01:22:11,474
was like, that's probably a good and safe

2249
01:22:11,474 --> 01:22:13,954
and wonderful thing, and I'm very happy, but

2250
01:22:13,954 --> 01:22:16,215
also could you point the fucking light the

2251
01:22:16,609 --> 01:22:16,929
front.

2252
01:22:18,687 --> 01:22:20,445
This is supposed to help us see in

2253
01:22:20,445 --> 01:22:21,505
front of us

2254
01:22:22,842 --> 01:22:23,342
But

2255
01:22:24,360 --> 01:22:24,600
Yeah.

2256
01:22:27,160 --> 01:22:28,194
The walks are going great.

2257
01:22:30,498 --> 01:22:32,009
Now I have to I have to say

2258
01:22:32,009 --> 01:22:33,917
this because I know at the beginning of

2259
01:22:33,917 --> 01:22:35,600
the pot podcast. And I... Am maybe even

2260
01:22:35,600 --> 01:22:36,871
not at the very beginning. Maybe even in

2261
01:22:36,871 --> 01:22:37,823
the past few years. I used to say

2262
01:22:37,823 --> 01:22:38,856
this all the time because he used to

2263
01:22:38,856 --> 01:22:41,001
say this. There was a legit rule.

2264
01:22:41,954 --> 01:22:43,861
Rule y'all in this house.

2265
01:22:44,593 --> 01:22:46,988
That Jb did not talk to no damn

2266
01:22:46,988 --> 01:22:49,004
body till he'd had at least a few

2267
01:22:49,542 --> 01:22:51,377
coffee in the morning. And I had to

2268
01:22:51,377 --> 01:22:52,905
learn that the hard weights because,

2269
01:22:53,698 --> 01:22:56,082
look, between parenting and having jobs or I

2270
01:22:56,082 --> 01:22:57,828
had to be up and, like,

2271
01:22:58,465 --> 01:23:01,022
functioning at, like, 07:00 in the morning I

2272
01:23:01,022 --> 01:23:02,536
trained myself to know how to just get

2273
01:23:02,536 --> 01:23:04,368
up, and, I don't wanna talk to no

2274
01:23:04,368 --> 01:23:07,475
fucking body, but I can. Okay? And I

2275
01:23:07,475 --> 01:23:09,546
love Jb. So I desperately wanna talk to

2276
01:23:09,546 --> 01:23:09,920
him. Hang

2277
01:23:10,993 --> 01:23:12,344
even if it's to tell him about the

2278
01:23:12,344 --> 01:23:14,093
main thing, he did to me in my

2279
01:23:14,093 --> 01:23:14,593
dream

2280
01:23:15,127 --> 01:23:16,342
that hurt my darling.

2281
01:23:18,386 --> 01:23:20,946
But so I had to like, learn to

2282
01:23:20,946 --> 01:23:23,412
not, like, not immediately start talking when he

2283
01:23:23,412 --> 01:23:25,559
first woke up wakes up. And we've been

2284
01:23:25,559 --> 01:23:28,364
doing that for years. It's like it's a

2285
01:23:28,364 --> 01:23:30,598
family joke that if we're gonna leave to

2286
01:23:30,598 --> 01:23:31,817
go anywhere as a family

2287
01:23:32,434 --> 01:23:34,284
before Jb b's had his first cup of

2288
01:23:34,284 --> 01:23:37,960
coffee, don't make eye contact don't shit chat,

2289
01:23:38,360 --> 01:23:40,198
just get in the fucking car, and once

2290
01:23:40,198 --> 01:23:42,115
he takes a couple of sips, then it's

2291
01:23:42,115 --> 01:23:42,675
say. It's fine.

2292
01:23:43,724 --> 01:23:46,292
That... I mean, that's been the family fucking

2293
01:23:46,349 --> 01:23:48,259
rule 10 years. Mh.

2294
01:23:49,134 --> 01:23:50,819
This man won't to talk on the morning

2295
01:23:50,819 --> 01:23:52,886
and fucking walk. I'm like, I'm not prepared

2296
01:23:52,886 --> 01:23:55,033
to talk. Where you did not always.

2297
01:23:58,055 --> 01:23:58,850
You were chad.

2298
01:24:00,137 --> 01:24:01,728
URT.

2299
01:24:06,104 --> 01:24:06,581
Mh.

2300
01:24:08,172 --> 01:24:08,569
So, yeah.

2301
01:24:11,532 --> 01:24:12,350
My thing

2302
01:24:13,284 --> 01:24:14,878
is that I spent the day with the

2303
01:24:14,878 --> 01:24:17,507
18 year old, you did. I thought silly

2304
01:24:17,507 --> 01:24:17,666
me.

2305
01:24:18,397 --> 01:24:19,986
I thought this was an out back trip.

2306
01:24:21,574 --> 01:24:23,879
Kid was home... First mistake. Right. Kid was

2307
01:24:23,879 --> 01:24:24,912
home over fourth of July.

2308
01:24:25,561 --> 01:24:27,783
And he had gotten prescriptions refilled. He was

2309
01:24:27,783 --> 01:24:29,926
like, oh, they're gonna come in while I'm

2310
01:24:29,926 --> 01:24:31,989
at home. Let me just have them deliver,

2311
01:24:32,148 --> 01:24:35,032
like, filled at the home pharmacy. Well, they

2312
01:24:35,032 --> 01:24:36,627
didn't... They didn't have them. So he had

2313
01:24:36,627 --> 01:24:37,026
to wait.

2314
01:24:38,381 --> 01:24:39,817
And so he was like, hey. Well, my

2315
01:24:39,817 --> 01:24:41,013
meds come in, when you bring them to

2316
01:24:41,013 --> 01:24:42,051
me, and I'm like, of course,

2317
01:24:42,783 --> 01:24:45,496
So they came in yesterday, Tuesday, Today, Wednesday.

2318
01:24:46,453 --> 01:24:48,050
I I had told him. I'll come I'll

2319
01:24:48,050 --> 01:24:49,805
come to you, like, mid morning. Drop you...

2320
01:24:50,376 --> 01:24:51,882
Medication. He just can me go to the

2321
01:24:51,882 --> 01:24:53,229
grocery store. Like, Of course. If from I'm

2322
01:24:53,229 --> 01:24:54,498
there with the car, well, like, why am

2323
01:24:54,577 --> 01:24:56,242
Gonna make him sc around.

2324
01:24:56,956 --> 01:24:58,482
Also that mountain I was buying groceries.

2325
01:24:59,439 --> 01:24:59,917
Okay. Fine.

2326
01:25:00,954 --> 01:25:03,209
The kid has learned the fine art of

2327
01:25:03,347 --> 01:25:05,022
who has to look at a price when

2328
01:25:05,022 --> 01:25:07,335
mom is paying. I was like, that shit.

2329
01:25:07,510 --> 01:25:08,625
And we're at aldi day. I'm like, that

2330
01:25:08,625 --> 01:25:10,219
should I won't even buy 1. Right?

2331
01:25:12,052 --> 01:25:13,886
I know what he's doing. He's not eating

2332
01:25:13,886 --> 01:25:15,480
out, so he's, like, making sure he. I

2333
01:25:15,480 --> 01:25:16,853
was like, It's fine. It's fine.

2334
01:25:18,371 --> 01:25:20,448
Okay. So I thought I'm gonna get there

2335
01:25:20,448 --> 01:25:22,286
at to about 10. My hand his meds.

2336
01:25:22,605 --> 01:25:24,056
We're gonna get in the car. Gonna go

2337
01:25:24,056 --> 01:25:25,802
to Aldi. I'll be home by noon.

2338
01:25:27,230 --> 01:25:27,786
03:00.

2339
01:25:28,342 --> 01:25:30,008
Not quiet, But just before 03:00.

2340
01:25:30,405 --> 01:25:32,485
So when I got, are home because I

2341
01:25:32,485 --> 01:25:35,109
got there. He was actually finishing up an

2342
01:25:35,109 --> 01:25:37,494
online class. He had muted his camera off

2343
01:25:37,494 --> 01:25:39,658
muted himself. He's like, I run at even

2344
01:25:39,658 --> 01:25:41,734
listening to it, but I wanna be counted

2345
01:25:41,734 --> 01:25:43,729
as present for the whole thing. So I

2346
01:25:43,729 --> 01:25:46,224
gotta keep it up, and then the the

2347
01:25:46,283 --> 01:25:48,289
professor like, went over by 5 minutes. Seems

2348
01:25:48,289 --> 01:25:50,912
like then he goes, I haven't showered yet

2349
01:25:50,912 --> 01:25:51,310
and I'm like,

2350
01:25:52,104 --> 01:25:53,932
hi. So they had to shower and he's

2351
01:25:53,932 --> 01:25:56,515
like, and then 5 that is my child

2352
01:25:56,731 --> 01:25:58,902
through and through, so a stream of consciousness

2353
01:25:58,959 --> 01:26:00,391
talking and so much to say, which is

2354
01:26:00,391 --> 01:26:02,220
fine. I like soak it up now that

2355
01:26:02,301 --> 01:26:03,176
I don't get it daily.

2356
01:26:04,781 --> 01:26:06,609
So that's took, like an extra 30, 40

2357
01:26:06,609 --> 01:26:07,881
minutes. Then we go to the grocery store,

2358
01:26:08,040 --> 01:26:09,391
then he's like, but I'm hungry. And I'm

2359
01:26:09,391 --> 01:26:11,935
like, but this is Florida in July and

2360
01:26:11,935 --> 01:26:13,389
you bought ben and Jerry's

2361
01:26:13,778 --> 01:26:15,524
I'm sorry. I bought Ben and jerry's.

2362
01:26:16,238 --> 01:26:17,587
We need to get this into a freezer.

2363
01:26:17,825 --> 01:26:19,254
He goes, oh, well, then we can go

2364
01:26:19,254 --> 01:26:21,731
back out. So we did. I got stuck

2365
01:26:21,731 --> 01:26:22,209
in traffic.

2366
01:26:23,483 --> 01:26:25,632
And then Satin had lunch, and he had

2367
01:26:25,632 --> 01:26:27,064
more to say, which was a... Yeah, It

2368
01:26:27,064 --> 01:26:29,229
was good. Like, I joke about it. But

2369
01:26:29,389 --> 01:26:31,703
I joke about it because I am... I

2370
01:26:31,703 --> 01:26:33,720
am him and him is me. Like, I

2371
01:26:33,779 --> 01:26:36,573
know the way like... And I have given

2372
01:26:36,573 --> 01:26:38,502
him his whole life, the freedom to talk

2373
01:26:38,502 --> 01:26:40,330
like that, so it's like, it is what

2374
01:26:40,330 --> 01:26:40,569
it is.

2375
01:26:42,000 --> 01:26:43,827
And finally, and I was the 1.

2376
01:26:44,542 --> 01:26:45,417
Me having to go.

2377
01:26:46,226 --> 01:26:48,130
Okay. We can keep this conversation going. Let's

2378
01:26:48,130 --> 01:26:49,478
get into the car. Let's get into the...

2379
01:26:50,430 --> 01:26:50,985
Gotta go.

2380
01:26:53,224 --> 01:26:53,544
Right?

2381
01:26:54,263 --> 01:26:55,942
So, yeah. So I didn't... I had, like,

2382
01:26:56,181 --> 01:26:57,300
I made a little to do list. I

2383
01:26:57,300 --> 01:26:59,058
was like, oh, I'll be home my lunch

2384
01:26:59,058 --> 01:27:01,077
time. I'll have lunch. I'll spend the afternoon

2385
01:27:01,136 --> 01:27:01,456
working.

2386
01:27:03,069 --> 01:27:05,069
Yeah. M. I did the bare minimum removal

2387
01:27:05,069 --> 01:27:06,510
of what I had to do, and I

2388
01:27:06,510 --> 01:27:07,630
was like, that's it. I'm done.

2389
01:27:08,510 --> 01:27:09,149
So, yeah.

2390
01:27:10,041 --> 01:27:11,709
And and for me, we've reached that part

2391
01:27:11,709 --> 01:27:12,425
of summer now.

2392
01:27:13,140 --> 01:27:14,332
I go out in the shop and I

2393
01:27:14,332 --> 01:27:15,047
work in the morning.

2394
01:27:16,239 --> 01:27:18,067
I'm in by lunchtime. Mh.

2395
01:27:18,637 --> 01:27:20,565
And and the heat has just

2396
01:27:21,730 --> 01:27:23,395
wiped me. I know, that's gonna be me

2397
01:27:23,395 --> 01:27:25,933
tomorrow. On Thursday, I got a poor resin

2398
01:27:25,933 --> 01:27:27,458
for 4 paddle.

2399
01:27:27,856 --> 01:27:30,083
Yep. I gotta a pour more resin dagger.

2400
01:27:30,322 --> 01:27:32,628
I'm still working on the resin panels that

2401
01:27:32,628 --> 01:27:34,795
will be released at some point. The resin

2402
01:27:34,795 --> 01:27:36,708
dagger are coming in July. Like, that's a

2403
01:27:36,708 --> 01:27:37,107
guaranteed.

2404
01:27:37,745 --> 01:27:39,658
What it means is... It's killing because I'm

2405
01:27:39,658 --> 01:27:42,072
the perfection who's, like, way to

2406
01:27:42,703 --> 01:27:45,722
like, oh, about shit because I'm like, but

2407
01:27:45,881 --> 01:27:46,914
I want... I want there to be more.

2408
01:27:47,153 --> 01:27:48,027
I want there to... I want there to

2409
01:27:48,027 --> 01:27:49,829
be enough. There's gonna be more than enough

2410
01:27:49,948 --> 01:27:51,377
But I'm like, but that's not enough enough.

2411
01:27:51,853 --> 01:27:53,439
But at some point, you just kinda go

2412
01:27:53,439 --> 01:27:56,239
fuck it and punch shit alfred for fail,

2413
01:27:57,024 --> 01:27:59,573
So that's that's what I'm doing. So... Yeah,

2414
01:27:59,733 --> 01:28:01,645
But I'm pouring. But I know what's gonna

2415
01:28:01,645 --> 01:28:03,318
happen is I have to... I go out

2416
01:28:03,318 --> 01:28:04,672
there in the morning as early as I

2417
01:28:04,672 --> 01:28:06,027
can to pour all that resin.

2418
01:28:06,918 --> 01:28:07,716
And then by the time I come back

2419
01:28:07,716 --> 01:28:09,471
in, I'll be like, I'll be whoop, and

2420
01:28:09,551 --> 01:28:11,626
I'll still have shit I gotta do. Yep.

2421
01:28:11,786 --> 01:28:13,541
But I'm hoping when once I take a,

2422
01:28:14,353 --> 01:28:15,548
cold ass shower,

2423
01:28:16,345 --> 01:28:17,141
functional again.

2424
01:28:18,336 --> 01:28:21,363
So Yeah. I mean, we've we we have

2425
01:28:21,363 --> 01:28:24,108
been, you know, when 1 of our little

2426
01:28:24,243 --> 01:28:25,854
bedtime routines is

2427
01:28:27,099 --> 01:28:27,758
I will

2428
01:28:30,114 --> 01:28:32,274
give kale of the weather. Yes. You know,

2429
01:28:32,434 --> 01:28:33,552
for the for the next day.

2430
01:28:34,192 --> 01:28:34,692
And,

2431
01:28:35,550 --> 01:28:38,106
you know, usually, it's around 10:00, 10 between

2432
01:28:38,106 --> 01:28:40,750
10:10 30 that we kinda roll in the

2433
01:28:40,750 --> 01:28:42,418
bed. Every once in a while a little

2434
01:28:42,418 --> 01:28:44,645
earlier, but... Mh. And, yeah.

2435
01:28:47,363 --> 01:28:49,372
And, you know, we're at the point where,

2436
01:28:49,587 --> 01:28:51,574
you know, at 10:10 30 at night, we're

2437
01:28:51,574 --> 01:28:54,038
still at 80 degrees actual temperature.

2438
01:28:54,595 --> 01:28:58,275
And and the feels like is 87 89

2439
01:28:58,275 --> 01:28:59,255
degrees. Mh.

2440
01:29:00,750 --> 01:29:04,342
Which is why, but like, at 05:30,

2441
01:29:04,582 --> 01:29:06,593
it's, like, walking we wanna open the door

2442
01:29:06,593 --> 01:29:08,031
and you've walked into a wet blanket.

2443
01:29:08,750 --> 01:29:11,786
It's like, there's like humidity. That's okay. So

2444
01:29:11,786 --> 01:29:13,638
we talked a couple... Weeks ago at how

2445
01:29:13,638 --> 01:29:16,435
we keep our set higher than many people

2446
01:29:16,435 --> 01:29:18,432
keep theirs in the summer because we are

2447
01:29:18,432 --> 01:29:20,350
not paying a 500 dollar electric bill. No.

2448
01:29:21,321 --> 01:29:22,059
And so

2449
01:29:22,434 --> 01:29:24,184
me with my hot flashes, I would be

2450
01:29:24,184 --> 01:29:26,173
so happy if it was like 73

2451
01:29:26,173 --> 01:29:28,419
degrees. So fucking happy. Yeah. But I do

2452
01:29:28,419 --> 01:29:29,697
well at 75

2453
01:29:29,697 --> 01:29:31,935
because I've acclimated to 77. So when he

2454
01:29:31,935 --> 01:29:33,932
bumps to down to 75, 76. I'm like,

2455
01:29:34,092 --> 01:29:36,010
oh, this was so good. It's like being

2456
01:29:36,010 --> 01:29:36,902
in the little cooler.

2457
01:29:37,618 --> 01:29:37,856
Okay.

2458
01:29:38,493 --> 01:29:40,800
So the other... Normally at night, he'll bump

2459
01:29:40,800 --> 01:29:42,153
the air for, like, 2 hours,

2460
01:29:42,948 --> 01:29:44,539
enough for us to get to sleep. So

2461
01:29:44,539 --> 01:29:46,706
we fall asleep in a cooler temperature.

2462
01:29:48,698 --> 01:29:49,677
The other night

2463
01:29:50,134 --> 01:29:51,489
set it not for... To go off at

2464
01:29:51,489 --> 01:29:52,286
1AM,

2465
01:29:52,445 --> 01:29:54,532
but at 1PM. So, like, the whole might.

2466
01:29:54,690 --> 01:29:56,759
We got the good temperature, and he tells

2467
01:29:56,759 --> 01:29:58,746
me that and I go, oh, so that's

2468
01:29:58,746 --> 01:30:00,893
why last night I had the best sleep

2469
01:30:00,893 --> 01:30:03,756
that I've had in literal months. Is that

2470
01:30:03,756 --> 01:30:04,645
way you're telling.

2471
01:30:05,756 --> 01:30:08,774
And I woke up freezing my ass off

2472
01:30:08,774 --> 01:30:09,909
like I was in a

2473
01:30:10,283 --> 01:30:12,744
freaking freezer. You should have cut up to

2474
01:30:12,744 --> 01:30:14,851
me because I started still got hot flashes

2475
01:30:14,910 --> 01:30:17,086
even though it was a much more comfortable

2476
01:30:17,783 --> 01:30:19,857
sleep. The thing is is you can put

2477
01:30:19,857 --> 01:30:22,103
on more layers. If you get cold. There's

2478
01:30:22,103 --> 01:30:23,853
only so much I can take off. And

2479
01:30:24,011 --> 01:30:26,239
I... We sleep I we sleep naked. Okay.

2480
01:30:26,478 --> 01:30:28,045
I know everybody wanted to know that hers

2481
01:30:28,244 --> 01:30:31,038
We're sleep naked, and I'm like boiling from

2482
01:30:31,038 --> 01:30:32,156
the inside out.

2483
01:30:32,795 --> 01:30:34,710
So you got a cold body part, put

2484
01:30:34,710 --> 01:30:35,908
it on me.

2485
01:30:38,552 --> 01:30:39,507
I will take it.

2486
01:30:41,894 --> 01:30:42,610
So okay.

2487
01:30:43,246 --> 01:30:44,121
Anyway, Danny who.

2488
01:30:45,095 --> 01:30:46,454
That's us. Yeah.

2489
01:30:47,414 --> 01:30:49,175
No. You you you you y'all a lot

2490
01:30:49,175 --> 01:30:51,494
of you along eastern sea board in the

2491
01:30:51,494 --> 01:30:54,616
northeast talk about their temperature. You use it.

2492
01:30:54,855 --> 01:30:57,004
You have had some serious heat, much more

2493
01:30:57,004 --> 01:30:59,312
serious heat than we've had. Yeah. Yeah. We

2494
01:30:59,312 --> 01:31:01,541
we actually kinda missed that a little bit.

2495
01:31:02,034 --> 01:31:03,470
Yeah. I'm not I'm not mad about it.

2496
01:31:03,789 --> 01:31:06,104
No. Our turn will come in August. Yeah.

2497
01:31:07,380 --> 01:31:10,265
Yeah. Oh, yep. I'm not looking for. Mh.

2498
01:31:10,743 --> 01:31:13,051
I mean, did temps get up to... It

2499
01:31:13,051 --> 01:31:14,721
feels like at least got to what 01:09?

2500
01:31:14,960 --> 01:31:16,176
You wanna not clear.

2501
01:31:16,711 --> 01:31:18,480
That. That was that was enough for me

2502
01:31:18,480 --> 01:31:19,378
thing. Mh.

2503
01:31:20,314 --> 01:31:20,814
So

2504
01:31:21,430 --> 01:31:21,670
yeah.

2505
01:31:23,904 --> 01:31:26,750
But, yeah. So that's... Lot of people are

2506
01:31:27,108 --> 01:31:29,333
still without power. Oh, yeah. I saw some

2507
01:31:29,333 --> 01:31:31,957
video footage of the flooding in the streets

2508
01:31:31,957 --> 01:31:35,254
and stuff as wild. So for anybody, who

2509
01:31:35,551 --> 01:31:37,863
is affected by barrel or nose but is

2510
01:31:37,863 --> 01:31:39,936
affected by barrel. Thoughts are with you. Because

2511
01:31:39,936 --> 01:31:42,648
right yeah fucked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then,

2512
01:31:42,728 --> 01:31:44,979
of course, the have barrels making her way

2513
01:31:44,979 --> 01:31:46,039
up, the.

2514
01:31:46,739 --> 01:31:49,460
The towards Canada. So Yeah. Everybody be safe.

2515
01:31:49,699 --> 01:31:50,199
Mh.

2516
01:31:52,114 --> 01:31:54,269
So on that note, Yeah. We should go.

2517
01:31:54,509 --> 01:31:54,988
Think was like,

2518
01:31:55,945 --> 01:31:57,163
night or goodbye

2519
01:31:57,621 --> 01:31:59,855
or see you later. Yeah. See Or R

2520
01:31:59,855 --> 01:32:01,860
derek. She. Oh, don't you love my accent.

2521
01:32:02,735 --> 01:32:05,917
I maybe dead. That's better. That's the actual

2522
01:32:05,917 --> 01:32:07,164
italian talking. But

2523
01:32:10,005 --> 01:32:12,725
On that note, we're definitely gonna go. Thank

2524
01:32:12,725 --> 01:32:13,465
you for

2525
01:32:13,845 --> 01:32:15,364
being here with us, especially to the better

2526
01:32:15,364 --> 01:32:15,845
end. Yeah.

2527
01:32:16,657 --> 01:32:19,529
We'll be back next week. Mh. Okay. Alright.

2528
01:32:20,246 --> 01:32:20,565
Fine.