You're listening to loving Bd and podcast episode
04:02.
Kayla here with the 1, the only
the app absolute trouble maker. John Browns.
Darn straight.
So much of a trouble maker. Y'all almost
forgot your mic.
Let's see. Almost don't count setting in horse
shoes and hand age. I knew that was
coming. You rallied Lola up before we recorded
the Monday up a episode.
Yeah. I almost forgot to push a couple
of buttons.
I mean, we did take a break so
I get it. Like I'm not sure I'll
know what to say when we start the
stream. Hey, you were at the end of
the other 1. You were also like, oh,
what do I what I do here?
Yes. The power of editing. Nobody has to.
Nobody has to know that that Simply just
rat me out.
It's okay for you to talk about the
things that I. Okay. I'm a sassy baby
girl. You were supposed to be
my long suffering, but patience,
kind,
wise daddy doll.
Yeah. Okay. Anyway, water are here for? Not
this. I didn't hear this.
So we're back from my.
And we're talking about...
I don't know how to describe it in
a way that, like, immediately makes sense to
everybody, but here we go. We're... Talk about
this thing that some people including myself experience.
In life in general, but and definitely in
power exchange where...
The external
motivation of your
dom telling you to do something or that
you're doing something,
for your power changer to benefit your partner
will get you moving on certain things
in a way that internal motivation just will
not Sometimes internal motivation ain't there. Do I
wanna fold the sheets tail? No I don't,
But does... Do I fold them on my
daddy? Some you need to fold the sheets
and have it done by x time? Yes.
You do. Yes. I do.
And that is something called as ex. I
hope I said that right. Motivation, And that's
what we're gonna talk about this week.
Welcome to the Loving Bd podcast cast. This
is your first time listening glad to have
you. If you're back for another week. Welcome
back. Living Bd has produced every Monday and
Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and
china to are found at loving bd m
dot net. Come back often and feel free
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and threads at that handle I will forever
fucking hate.
Loving Diaz ass. On the number 1, so
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Ollie links are in the show notes. Big
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Kayla Lords or use the link in the
show notes.
Okay. So before we get into this week's
topic back.
A couple of announcements.
1,
the Monday episodes are coming back next month.
July eighth yeah. That's how dates work. Sure.
We recorded it today, Wednesday.
I guess now, I have to do my
part and edit, but it's, you know, it's
coming. We're we're back on it. We got
a whole, like, list the questions waiting for
us. Mh. If you have a question, please,
please, please submit it.
The link should the it down below.
You go to our website loving bd m
dot net,
and get it there.
The next thing
we're back to. We got out of this
habit. We're back to it because we got
shit going on. We're sponsoring ourselves.
This week we are sponsored
by ourselves in the form of the kin,
the kin dot com. Yeah.
Our...
Kinky Toy shop where Jb makes
90 percent of the product, and I somehow
may now make a 10 percent. Say. Wife
is weird.
So what do you need to know about
the King, Why should you care this week.
The big thing I'm actually encouraging a lot
of people to do. We're keeping
our standard product stocked. We have thick sticks,
which is like if a cane and a
paddle had a baby, and it... It hurts
like hell. We have plenty of paddle. We've
got plenty of canes. All kinds of good
stuff, but
working on new products right now. So the
big thing, the big big thing is to
get on our email list because whenever we
release something new, it goes to our email
list first. Yeah. If you subscribe to the
tinker email list. You will get a 10
percent off coupon. To use on your first
purchase. And that doesn't have an expiration date.
So it Like, you can sign up today,
and then our,
next big releases is sometime this month. I
don't know how picked a date yet.
And that coupon code will still work If
you decide you wanna shop when we release
a new product. Mh. The email list is
also good because Jb has gotten into this.
Thing he periodically does where he has a
single piece of wood, and he's like, I
will make a single type of paddle and
probably never make it again, and we call
those 1 offs, and those good to our
email list first 2. We had 2 last
week. Yeah. They were gone in about 2
hours. The first person swoop in within, like,
10 minutes, and the next person was, like,
at the end of 2 hours. It's like,
okay. I'll take this 1. Yeah. So email
list... Is where it's at. Y'all. I'm I'm
currently in production of another 1. Mh. Mh.
I shared a photo of it in our
discord server earlier.
Shout out to the. Mh. And that that's
I still got some tweaks to do it.
It's not, you know, and progress. To work
in progress, still still some things to add
to it. Mh. Mh. But I'm I'm really
kinda stoked about. This particular 1. And And
I actually even
created a template. Mh. For it because while,
I,
I'm not going to intend to make it
a regular. Right.
I will
do it periodically.
I think. Well, you've already smack me with
it. Yeah. And it is...
In terms of sensation, not unlike a fix
stick, which again, let me tell you is,
like, a cane in a about a lot
of baby. Mh same. We're very painful. You
know. So yeah, the king dot com is
the place. If you'd like to get on
our email,
newsletter, list thing, what are words. I don't
know. First of all, we do not spam.
Like, I think the most for the shop
I've ever sent in a month is like
4. That's usually at the holidays when we
got major sales going on. Do not spam.
You will knock get emails every fucking day.
I don't have time for that. So you
don't have worry about that. You get a
coupon, and you'll get to know when new
products. Come out before we put it on
social media. So
link in
the places, if you are interested and are
not currently signed up
for... The King crease newsletter. Okay. Let's get
into this episode. This episode has been on
my mind 4 literal weeks. Yeah. And
so much so that when we were working
on episode 04:01 the week before we took
break. Mh. I couldn't decide which 1 should
we do? You were, like, just pick 1,
and I actually prep this week's episode 2
weeks ago. I am never that prepared. No.
Know. Never that not. But this, particular topic
it's very close to home.
The first opportunity that we got to talk
about it, I could not find the the
episode that I'm referencing here. So I'm hoping
somebody with a better memory than I can
find it. We... I wanna say it was
a q and A episode is either 1
of the short Monday ones or it was
like, mh. Ask us anything deal, but the
person
asked a question and they were like, you
know, I'm trying to explain to my dom
that I want To
do things air quote for them. Yeah. Because
they tell me to, even if they're things
I ought to be doing myself
because I find it difficult to have enough
internal motivation to do the mundane chores that
I know need to be done. But if
My dog tells me to do it. I
can get it done, and I was like,
it's same.
Okay. It's hard same.
So
the term is ex... I hope I'm saying
right?
Ex
motivation. Which is in direct, you know, opposite
to internal motivation. It is the fact that
you are motivated from outside fork.
In this case, we're gonna talk about it
in terms of power exchange.
No It is not just a submissive thing.
I think dominance
experience their own version of this. I'm very
curious to ask Jb about this from his
perspective. So that is what we're talking about.
And so I'm gonna try and get into
it. As excited as I was for this
topic the bullet points are, like 2 of
them. So... Oh, good.
Now... But I'm not resources, which I have
all so linked. So let's talk about what
ex
motivation is. Okay. The,
definition from the American psychological
Association
Says that an external
ex motivation is an external incentive to engage
in a specific activity,
especially motivation arising from the
expectation of punishment
or reward. That are... It just sounds kinky,
and they didn't even mean it that way.
But their example was completing a disliked chore
in exchange for payment. See, the thing is
is and this is a joke. That I
say around this house all the time. I
can be bribe to do a lot of
things like things I don't... I need to
do and I don't wanna do, and I
will also bribe my children. You don't want
that to do that thing, mom will buy
you that root beer that you've asked to
drink because we don't keep it in the
house. And I'm here for bribery.
And and she's not incorrect about that. But
because that's how I get her to help
me with the
yard work. Look, with the promise of a
coffee when it's dark. I tell you that
I help you with the yard work because
I cannot stand watching because a 62 year
old man with a bad back,
kill himself by himself in the front and
backyard. So my own, like, guilt
of going
I I feel I don't think I should
watch him do the tense.
Maybe the exercise do me good. Maybe so,
but I still feel like I should be
out there helping you. It's my house too
is how I look at that. But
but
I know that I'm I'm the 1 who
folds sheets. Jb
negotiated very early in our relationship. He will
not... He will not do bathrooms who will
not fold sheets. Fine. I can do those
things.
But I procrastinate
like fuck about that kind of stuff.
And and I'll... Man I'll let,
they're Washed dried.
Usually check to make sure they didn't get
rolled up in themselves and or not.
Fest and molding in the corner or somewhere.
But I'll let them sit until it, like,
for literal weeks.
And sometimes the only way that I can
get it done is for you to use
your dumb voice on me. Speaking of. I
know I keep looking at the sheets of
the.
Speaking of what.
I know.
Okay. So let's...
Go ahead. Before we leave for Gainesville tomorrow.
I. I am. Okay. So
found a
article talking about Ex, which is the external
motivation and then interest
internal motivation. Right? And, you know, a question
that kinda came to my mind and it
came a little bit from the guilt I
have lived with my entire adult life. And
also that person's question because they were feeling
guilty
that they needed to ask their dominant partner
for the direct command order task, whatever to
do the things that they know they should
do. Right? Like, man, some of us, should
all over ourselves, and that's definitely a place
where it happens. Right? I'm like, well, I
should do this. I should do that. What's
holding me back? Many things will hold you
back.
We'll And so then, we some somehow feel
like we're air quote wrong because we needed
the external motivation. We needed to be bribe.
We needed to be told in the dumb
voice to do the thing.
And so the question is which is which
is better internal or external,
and, you know,
according to
very well mind dot com,
it... There is no better for for
internal versus at journal is what gets the
job done Whatever you. So that you could
get what you need done. In this case,
they said, for example,
ex motivation can be particularly helps full when
a person needs to complete a task they
find unpleasant. Mh.
Additionally, external rewards can be a source of
feedback to let people know when their performance
has achieved a standard that is deserving of
reinforcement.
I mean, they're just speaking up power exchange
language, and they don't even know it.
Now they do say that ex motivator should
be avoided in situations where
an individual already finds the activity intrinsically rewarding
we're offering a reward might make a play
activity seem more like work. So I definitely
get the the... If I'm already internally motivated
to do it. I don't... They they
experts recommend
not using external motivator
because it can
diminish your internal motivation, Or can clash with
your your motivations. And so then at the
end of it, you're just less motivated in
general. And then I kind of understand
the idea of
creating an external
motivation for something that is supposed to be
fun and playful.
Because then it it does become work. If
there's a thing that we really enjoy doing
together, and it's fun for us. Yeah. And
you dom voice me into it, well now
it's no longer
necessarily this fun playful thing. It's now my
submissive task, and I'm gonna look at it
differently.
Because... Oh of where the motivation is coming
from, the why that I'm doing it. Right?
So those are the resources like, linked to
them in the places for anybody who
might want to go
check on all that.
So
let's
talk about this. Mh
I
absolutely get this. I've been this way my
whole life. I have a lot of guilt
about it my whole life because there are
a lot of messages from the world around
us that say, you know what you need
to do, you should just do it. Yeah.
But there are a lot of reasons why
you can know exactly what you wanna be
doing and just
don't have the get up and go and
some of that is mental health, Like, when
my anxiety is high as did a happening.
Some of that is neuro divergence,
and anything that can cause executive dysfunction.
And sometimes it's just lack of interest, like,
if I'm given the true ways.
Swing the thing I really enjoy doing.
The thing I find boring or the thing
that I feel like it's interfering with stuff
I wanna be doing or the thing that
is just
just not doing it for me.
Know? Mh. It can be hard. And I
think because I'm not an expert this, I
think there are a million in 1 other
reasons why sometimes somebody is not internally motivated,
You to do a thing that mh air
quote this, they should be doing. Well,
yeah. Had to air quote you're in your
throat.
Sorry. Podcast listeners. I hope you felt the
rush of the wind as my air quotes.
Yeah. Because those the big 1 man then
fingers were like Yeah. Oh boy.
So...
But our stupid walk first to be mental
health. Mh. Yeah. Here's where I'm curious. I
know that I get up because you're expecting
me to.
I also know though that the reason we
do this at all is because I came
to you and went okay. For that 80
fifth time in our
relationship. I would like to try this whole
fitness journey together,
what we do. I know what I wanna
do I know what I need to do.
But I can't... I don't have the internal
motivation to get myself going. You walked away.
Thought about it came back with this, and
and truly as much as I complain about
it as much as like, tease about it
as grumpy as I can be some mornings
of 05:30
as I'm walking through a dark neighborhood.
I will do it because I'm following you.
Right.
I, would like to go through my thought
process. I would love to. So when you
approach me with this,
And
You know, there there have been times in
the past. You know, we have done the
whole fitness thing with you. And
it's been a chore folks. It's been of
chore.
So,
you know, you you brought this up me
and and I told you I said, need
some time to noodle. Mh.
Need some time to noodle.
Excuse me.
I
There's only water in here notes. Only... Be
in a better mood if there was something
stronger in there.
So I started thinking about it. And
the the funny thing was
before she brought this up, I had already
been thinking
about myself.
I had shot up to a weight that
I was not comfortable with.
And yet I was not
in a place where was like, okay. I
need to do something. You didn't have the
internal motivation. You knew what needed to happen,
but you didn't have a way to get
yourself there. So I I think what kinda
happened was there was an external external. Did
we have an a a motivation exchange? I
think well as a power change.
Yes.
So I I was I was thinking about
it, and I was, like, I know if
I just
told you
you wanna walk every day,
there would
probably be
some pushback.
I didn't at the time when I came
to you and I was, like, I need
help with us. I know what I need
to be doing, and I just cannot fucking
get myself to do it. Yeah. I was
I was prepared to walk by myself.
My concern
was that because this is what historically happened.
Is that you would not be able to
sustain the motivation to keep me accountable. Mh
because that's typically when it's been a thing
where you're like, okay, you're gonna go do
this thing as my submissive, but it's really
good for me too. Right? This thing you
can't do without the push from me. Right?
When something about fitness and Nutrition. And I
think it's the only thing that this happens
to us with so I don't know.
Eventually, I would run out of steam, and
then
you would run out of
steam to be on the other side, you
know, Mh. Making sure that I do what
I need to do.
And that's why I was a little concerned
with asking you because I know you've had
that experience. Nobody wants to, like, keep failing
multiple times neither of us did, you know,
So that I like the idea that you
say it was
an external exchange
between us because... Yeah. You know, I do...
I mean, and, literally.
Y'all. I am following him down the road.
Sometimes like this morning was a rough morning,
and I had maybe 1 eyeball ball open,
and my could not get my brain in
my body to... Cooperate while we walked?
If she woke up this morning and she
was very
disappointed it was not raining. Do I check
the weather every morning of our walk yesterday
I did.
Boy But I... As long as all I
had to do was keep a pace behind
you. Mh. I could do it. And as
long as you're getting up up. Mh. I
will get up. Now I don't do it
out of fear that you... I will... There
will be discipline in in consequences for it.
We've never actually talked about what them would
be. It's just sort of understood that if
you're a bottom up here we go.
And and I'd I particularly did not.
And any any punishment or consequences
to this,
any
because I know that that does not work
for you 1
to certain understand. Are certain certain. Certain things
that it it will not work for you.
You know, positive reinforcement
is something that is much
work Oh, yeah. Better get a lot further
with them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know,
then I started thing. I... I I'm... So
I'm I'm thinking about this. And it actually
took me a little longer to to muddle
all this through before I finally, you know,
we sat down and talked about it.
And
you know, I I was also thinking, well,
you know,
we are heading into
Florida summer.
And and we're getting ready. We're on the
cusp of super humidity,
you know, July, August.
And and I thought, you know, the the
last thing we wanna do is maybe, you
know, say, do you wanna do this every
day of the week. Mh. You know,
and
neither 1 of us are in
good shape
per s.
So
That's how I decided every other day. Monday,
Wednesday, Friday. So here's my question. Not on
the specific
decisions you made. Like, how you... Set this
up, which is fascinating me, and I'm happy
to talk about that. But on the motivation
part
because it's not like before I came to
you and said, here's the thing I'm trying
to do set walk more often for my
mental health. It's not like that was new
information to you that that would be something
that we both ought to be doing. Right.
And that would be good for us. Mh.
And yet neither of us had moved on
it. Right? So what I'm curious about
is...
I mean, as you've already kind of said
you've are stu motivated here as well. Mh.
But what is it that keeps you going?
Because I'm I'm going. I'm getting up every
morning even though there's crusty in my eyeballs.
Mh. And I'm doing it because you're doing
it. I'm falling out good sm of what
keeps you getting up
and not just going fuck the shit. I'm
sleeping into bed. Yeah. Well, you know, there
there were a number of other things
that kind of bounded along with this.
Because then I started thinking, well, you know,
if we get up at 06:00, which is
basically our normal time that we get up.
You know, we get up. We we we
pedal far around. We we get our clothes
on. We go for a walk.
And and then that starts cutting into,
you getting outside. Right. Which gets...
Motivation from that because Yeah. Of multiple reasons.
So that's how I came up with the
05:30. It's it's half an hour, but that
half an hour
still... And it's a half hour walks. Right.
So so it it works out with absolutely
fine.
So there there were a a few things
that motivated me,
in this.
1, for a while, I had been feeling
that
not been getting enough sleep. Sure.
Okay? So by getting up that much earlier,
I was like, okay. Well, we can get
to bed
a little earlier.
To make up for,
you know, getting up that earlier, not much
earlier.
And
you know, when we started it, and I
and I have no doubt that
it would help and it is. It is.
It's it helping physically it's helping mentally, definitely
mentally.
I used to walk all the time.
There there was the time I used to
walk.
Constantly
and got away from it.
So
the obvious thing with the with the mental
health, which is helping me keep going.
And
the other thing is since we... We've started
doing these walks,
I have lost a little bit of weight.
Mh.
And and I'm very pleased with that, not
that it would... I I thought that that
would that would be... That was not a
plan. That was not a plan, but it
it has...
So what I'm hearing is you are continuously
honest. Cycle
feedback loop of internal mode.
And I'm dragging you along externally. Because what
I'm trying to get to is, I'm doing
it because you're doing it? Are you doing
it because I'm doing it or because you're
a super human who goes, you know what
I can just decide to do a thing
and go to a thing.
And I feel like what the lesson is
is you
more often than not. Once you decide to
do the thing,
you... You're self propelled, like,
machine you going. I go. Yeah. I am
not like that. Now I am
emma But see, that that it that is
kind of why.
This time when you approach me with this,
you know, in the past when you wanted
to do things,
I would oversee her. Yeah.
You didn't sorry... I was not
part of it. So I think the secret
sauce is this
ex
motivation per son needs his internal
motivation.
I just had to find a way to,
like, jump start that for you.
Apparently.
So okay. The idea is ex motivation because
there are people who. I'm 1 of them
fill a lot of guilt and shame over.
We should not. There's If you're getting shit
done who gives a fuck where the motivation
comes from. Yeah. There are definitely dominance
who don't always
understand. If that a submissive
knows what they need to be doing, but
what they actually need is that external motivation
of their dominant saying, you're gonna do this
thing because I'm telling you to, and then
it's do. So my question to you is...
Okay.
Are there things that you do as a
dominant that are externally motivated
by arthur power exchange by me asking something
by the fact that you know you need
to do it as a dominant to make
this power exchange work. I I would have
to say...
And and and as far as our
Bs
is is concerned. Mh.
The most
external,
And I don't even know if you would
call that motivation
necessarily
is when you come to me and like,
okay, Daddy. I I need a decision.
On on XYZ We're doing this is we
got this going on and and so need
to make a... In that situation, is it
a thing that you've known a decision probably
need to be made, but you hadn't
decided to make it yet, and I'm the
motivator that get you to make it. Or
is it that I just bring brand new
information to you and give you the opportunity
to make the decision on a thing you
weren't even necessarily thinking about to begin with
And and that more times than not, it's
usually something I'm not thinking about. Yeah. You're
you're internally motivated
think more often.
Then
externally motivated. I think everybody has the ability
to have. So both, of course. Right.
Think probably, there's also a good chance that
some people are more internally motivated high Jb.
More
externally motivated.
Because it... I feel like we're speaking 2
different languages.
Like, tell me what to do what I
will do it happily quickly and efficiently. And
and yet. And, yet, I'm I'm gonna say
that. Yet. Yes, there are things.
There are a lot of things you
need that external...
I need the point it. You need that
push. Mh. And and sometimes even need a
little bit of oversight.
Sometimes. Sometimes.
But
I have been watching you the last few
days,
and and with no
outside
motivation,
you have been doing a shit on a
work. Mh. The on all the shops. So
here's what's funny about that. And this is
where I personally get confused on am I
being, am I motivated
from within or is it external?
1,
I
absolutely follow the dopamine. If I am interested
and engaged,
you get all my attention, all my effort,
all my energy and certainly all my motivation
until I stop being interested and engaged. And
then it's a different sorry. The other thing
is there's is the external
motivation that we spent 400 dollars at the
vet and 300 dollars on our column kid.
So I'm like, oh,
we should probably earn more money. So the
motivation is we need more money. Okay. Because...
And you know... In that way, I know
I'm externally motivated a bitch because I have
said publicly many times in many different places
that I'll do almost anything for a paycheck.
Okay.
Because if I am. Yeah. If it's a
thing I feel like I can do and
I am willing to do it. It doesn't
mean I'm interested, but I'm willing.
I'll do literally... If you're paying me, let's...
Do it. Was... Mh. Fine.
And some of the things, yeah, that I've
been working on are either
payday in the immediate future to or future,
like, long distance pay. And so that's where
some of that motivation comes from. And I've
actually since I've been thinking about this
topic.
Have started questioning
how I am motivated
because I
up until
fairly recently. I probably would have told anybody
who asked and I probably did, that I
am very internally motivated because I will get
up and just do the shit that needs
doing. Mh.
And I have set goals for myself and
achieved them. But when I start thinking about
what actually got me to it get up
and do the things for a very long
time.
It's... I I truly cannot remember going, yes,
I just wanted to do the things, so
I did it. There are those things exist
for sure.
But... And I don't know what kind of
crossover this has if anybody is a mental
health professional and has its fight feel free
to share,
but I am my longtime people please.
And I have done many things in my
life. Fight things that were good for me,
things that were not
because it made somebody else happy or because
I got external validation for it. Like, I'm
sitting here questioning Praise kings now like.
I know my praise king is because I
want to be praised and validated.
But also,
I'll do a bunch of shit for a
cut girl?
Not mean, is it is the praise enough
to sustain me long term and keep me
doing something no because eventually that gets old
and you stop hearing it as clear it
stops hitting as hard. So then there has
to be some other
motivator. And then I also recognize that sometimes
the start of the motivation. The thing that
starts the engines is external and then I
keep me going long term
because I I found something to invest in
within that activity that I then don't...
Me the external. So the the... For you,
the external
motivation
puts the fuel on the fire.
You can. Yeah And then
if it... You just... If it catches my
attention and it feels like it's going the
way I want it to go, I can
keep going
without more external. The thing is.
I have...
I'm learning a lot about myself, and I
have been learning a lot about myself over
the past year, mostly in
response to learning things about the kids and
their diagnoses because it makes you kinda question
your whole ass life.
But,
what I
preview... I think about how I am now
and how I was my entire adult life
prior. 2 the past 5 or 6 years.
And sometimes I... I think other people can
relate to this, especially if you're are submissive
and you now have to be told to
do a thing that or a few years
ago, you would just done for yourself.
That is the thing. There are times you
have to tell me not with everything, but
you have to tell me a fold that
laundry. Mh. Fold those sheets get this thing
done. Right? And I have very clear memories
of just doing the fucking thing 10 years
ago, 15 years ago, 20 years ago. And
so what happens is I get in my
head and I go,
Why can I do it then and I
can't do it now? And then I had
an epiphany.
I'm gonna do crazy
The reason I could do it then is
because the internal voice and motivator,
was shame.
Oh, yeah. It was... I gil myself. There
were times that I just would feel like
I I need to sit down or I
don't have the mental bandwidth or what I
now... I think I recognize as executive
dysfunction. What would happen is I wouldn't do
a thing. And then I would mentally be
very mean to myself until I got up
to do the thing.
And I never, like, felt good about, oh
I finally did it I was just relieved
that the the mean girl voice in my
head shut up for 5 seconds, but that
I got so much done because I lived
in the you should you ought to, you
have to you need to. Of,
I don't know. Everybody else's expectations when I
thought it was supposed to be doing was,
you know, I've been taught in my family
unit that, you know, an adult was supposed
to do, like, whatever.
And now At a point in life where
I have...
It'll in a lot of ways,
let go of some of that internal self
talk, which is not helping not good for
me.
No. I just kinda own the fact a
little bit more than
before. This owners I just... I can't fucking
do it without an ex good journal push,
and I'm fucking grateful to be a submissive
to a dom who's like, no, no. I'll
tell you what to do. I actually enjoy
this. This is fun for me,
because I'm like I fucking need it if
I wanna get shit done. Not everything, and
that's the thing. Some people are gonna be
thinking, like, it's all or nothing. And for
me, personally, it is not.
It tends to be
1 of 2 things. The things I find.
So tedious, so inefficient, so boring.
I'm doing this today, and I'm gonna have
to do it in 6 more days. Why
is life like this? Those things.
Again, not all, but most. Yeah. And then
the things that I am afraid to be
bad at.
Like,
not you don't get in the business of
my business,
often we're... We work side by side, we
work together, but things that you know were
my thing. You don't really say. I don't
much about. I don't pick in... Right Windows.
But things were we're, like, working together,
if there things that I've talked to you
about that I wanna do promotional or
Product development or whatever. And I start procrastinating.
A lot of that will come from fear.
Fear of fucking it up, Not being perfect.
Rather a little lot being seen like all
the fears.
But if you go
baby girl,
you need to work on it. You might
not even know what telling me to work
on.
But if you tell me to do it,
Mh. Something about that,
and I... I've only
experienced it in our power exchange. They have
never had another partner shortly. Not a vanilla
partner who would have
the e
privilege to tell me what the fuck to
do. Okay?
When you do it,
even though I I'm scared. I'm, like, could
just be sick everywhere. I'm so nervous. Mh.
I can fucking do it. That there's something
about the dynamic. Maybe it's the trust.
I'm maybe it's the... You've never asked me
to do anything that I wasn't capable of.
And so I might not trust myself, but
I trust you. You think when I when
I come to you and I I say,
you know,
alright. Baby girl. Need to get those sheets
folded.
And and and put away by, you know,
the specific time. Do you think there's a
certain amount of of validation for you they're
a hand. I mean, I do have I'm
if that's the right word, but that's what...
Validation feels right. I know for man again.
Cannot speak creative any anybody ever.
It is a strange feeling to know, like,
if I allow myself to think about it
closely,
that
10 minutes ago. The idea folding sheets
was
so boring. Why? I don't want to. It
easy to forget. I got other to think
about It's outside out of mind.
You tell me. Now 1, I get the
playful little thing of I get to whine
for about 10 seconds because Yeah. You allow
that Like, I don't overdo it.
Most of the time. And I'll go, oh,
do I have to and we get this
banter back and forth. Right. Which is very
much our power. Exchange. So I get... There's
that. There's that, like, that reinforcement.
Then
I'm still not excited about the
thing I need to do,
but I am
maybe motivated is the what I want to
get it to exceed your expectations, get it
done sooner than you told me too. Oh,
I do love an impressed oh, you're already
done my whole life since childhood,
let me be faster, better, stronger, something something
something
than you thought I would be whoever you
might be. The Scotty ticket. Me. Let me
surprise the shit out of people I fucking
love that shit.
I don't know why. But there it is.
It's me probably the praise you get from
shit like that. So I like... I don't
wanna... Just still don't wanna do the thing.
But I want
you to be happy. I want you to
be proud, and I want you to be
pleasantly surprised that I did it quickly. I
did it without reminders. I did it in
a time and a way or whatever you
that was un expected to you. And I
think
it's not just because I feel like
I'm giving something as a submissive. I think
there's a little bit of that. I think
it is the
response that
historically,
I have gotten for being that. Way, I
don't know if that's healthier,
I just go.
Like... Yeah. When I work way like a
a big girl job
in a in a corporate kind of
atmosphere. Yeah. That could be used it's and
it was used kind of against me in
a very toxic way. It was like, how
much can we work her into the ground
before she just... Yeah. And and there's a
lot of...
Like that. And that is the downside to
being that kind of person who
wants to exceed
expectations because I get a little thrill out
of it. Did I get more money out
of it No, but I got the thrill.
Right? Like, not everybody is deserving
of...
That desire that I have. If this
sounds relatable to anybody, not everybody is going
to be worthy. Of that from you either.
And learning that was
whoa, that was some tough lessons.
But now give Like, I don't even think
about doing,
you know,
looking for external motivation
anywhere else,
I am really sorry for you
because
your
stars over there and you're doing it well
me, But it also means that I don't
know for anybody else.
I
very few
very few people can externally motivate me now
I don't wanna fucking do it in the
first place,
I'm I'm probably not fucking doing it. But
if you want me to do. It.
And I can't come up with a legitimate
reason why I shouldn't have to.
And make a clear case for my,
side of the argument.
Then I can... I mean, I can almost
do anything. Now that's a huge power you
have.
Huge power. It is. And that's an reminder
to king pictures out there, not every partner
you have is gonna be worthy of that
level of power. Too. If you know that
about yourself, if you have figured that out
about yours yeah.
That that is. Yeah. You're right. You're absolutely
right. Mh.
I...
Good thing I choose to use my powers
for Google. Fuck. I am... I mean, Chase
is gone.
I'm... You know, part of it I think
it it works for us
because I am
I'm so routine oriented. There's plenty of things.
I don't really need motivation for. Other than
the, I said I would do this as
his submissive, and it will make him my
daddy dom hap. If I do it. Right?
Because if I... I don't do it, I'd
better have a fucking reason why. And I
can live with that, and I can I
can kinda go on a pseudo autopilot that
way, like, I just? Mh. These are the
things I do. I agree to do them.
That I have no
reason
that I have come up whether that has,
like, struck me, but why I don't want
to or shouldn't anymore. So
I just keep doing it.
And, you know, I've embraced the fact that
I just... I get a fucking kick out
of it. Like, I don't I don't think
it would work if you were coming to
me
every 10 minute, with another thing. Like, I,
we just don't live that kind of life
that's not gonna fucking work. Yeah. No. So
you use your powers wisely and judicious, thank
you for that.
But it's with And I'm at this point,
because of the nature of our...
How busy we are as parents and as,
you know, with work, you actually don't come
to me as often as you once did.
And so
sometimes,
I have to put my miss of hat
on and remember
that you were asking me something is my
dumb, but sometimes, I'm super excited. I'm like,
look, he's asking me for something. I'll go.
We we have
Excuse me. My goodness.
You know, there... There's a very good reason
why they're... I have not been coming to
you with a lot of stuff.
Since the youngest has been home,
you have been
juggling a shit on a plate.
You know, over the last...
Some people spin plates I juggle them. Yeah.
Well, whatever.
Whatever.
It just made me sound extra impressive. That's
okay.
You know, I I have stepped in a
little bit more over the last month to
to try and help and take some of
that that load off And even if you
can't, you know, I have been
taking up on some of the things you
do around the house. Mh. You know, to
to free... Oh when I have feels about
that.
I'm sure you do, but, you know,
you were not getting any...
Breathing room, so to speak,
you know, and
it it needed to happen.
It it needed to happen.
It's so funny because, you know, 4 months,
you know, I was sort of just... I
I don't... I wouldn't call autopilot.
I I feel like
I was the
pilot trainee that like started school yesterday and
somehow ended up in a a crashing plane
with the experience pilot the passing out. Like,
sometimes that's what I felt like my life
was, Like, it was just it was sponge
bob and Patrick running around on my brain
going, oh, what do we do? Like the
that with... That's what it.
And yet, I could kind of
in some ways appear to be on autopilot
of getting things done part of that is
because I'm very routine oriented and as long
as the routine stayed the same. I could
do the same things. But also because in
that case, the external motivator was if it
doesn't get done, everything
falls apart, and we don't have the luxury,
of everything falling apart. No. We don't. Now.
That's not sustainable. I I am not the
first, not the last, not the only person
who we'll have to function through life with
that kind of motivation. I mean,
life ebb and flows. Right?
Does. In the flow, you get to like,
sit down a little bit more in the
app,
maybe not.
So
it's weird to me because it's not like
I wake up every day and those kinds
of
situations, and I'm like, I'm ready to do
this thing because it fulfill me. It's the
right thing to do. It's more like,
okay. Just
keep your head down and go straight
straight line.
And if you do not get through it,
it will be even worse tomorrow, and that
would be I'm
motivation. Yeah.
Having you
come in with the assist was
weird.
I wasn't used to it. Sure,
I'm I know it can be hard for
people to to believe this, but there was
a bit of a... You mean, I'm gonna
let go of some of this control,
which weirdly,
I parenting we... There is no power exchange,
but mh. You know, when you're the default
parent when you're the 1 who does the
majority of a thing, you
claims some ownership over it It you kinda
control how long shit goes.
And in a way, I was like, oh,
good. I don't... I don't have to be
the only 1 to think about this But
in another way I was like, oh, but
he's gonna do it differently, and that's a
whole other thing. And I think we've done
that episode.
Think But, yeah, it has... I I didn't
realize it at the time, and I don't
think I realized it till you've just said
something, but you doing that,
freed up
space in my brain. Mh. And so then
I can be a little internally motivated to
go work on inter sting to me projects.
Right. I can
maintain the whole air quote energy to get
up and go for a walk even when...
I mean, I've had this conversation with you
a few times. There have been days today
would have been 1 of them. That if
this had been a me doing it thing
and you singing,
this would have been a day I would
have gone nope can't do it roll and
go to sleep. With you as the motivating
factor for me, And all I have to
do is follow, there is something
so
just nice to me sometimes about
turn the brain off and just fucking follow
him. Okay? What he doing? He's not leading
me into anything dangerous? Well, I have had...
There's been doubts. We walk a very be
dark new
before the sun comes up. Yeah. And many,
a lot of the street lights do not
work.
And if he... If you were not walking
with me, I would not be it we
have this time. I would I would not
expect you to walk. But alone with that
hour of the month. But I may I
will truly get to just go just just
follow them. Just put your clothes on. And
keep... You can keep your head down if
you want. Just and it's a luxury to
kind of be able to turn my brain
off and not have to think about what
am I doing? Why am I doing it,
you know,
in the case of what I was saying
earlier
about the shame and guilt I have felt
for years about the need for... External motivation.
I wish I kinda I hadn't picked that
up apart yet. I wish I knew where
the fuck that came from? Like, what is
it in society or just in my upbringing
the taught me that somehow
getting a push from outside is an air,
inherently wrong and bad and you're weak or
you know, you suck. Right? Like, none of
that is fucking true,
and it actually makes me happy as you're
submissive,
to just fucking follow you sometimes.
Right? Like, I just I just gotta do
what, my daddy says, and life is good
right now And that is enough of a
motivator for. Now, I do not...
Outside of this the context of this conversation.
I don't think of it in those terms.
I think of it as as
I just get to be my study self,
turn off brain,
you know, move body, just what what he
wants you to do? You just do it.
Right? Yeah. And then I know for a
lot of submissive, that can be a very
relaxing freeing, comforting, pick your word,
feeling to finally go, oh, You mean, I
don't have to worry about this. I don't
have to think about this. In in this
case, our main example being our Stupid walks
or our stupid mental health.
I don't have to
convince myself every day that I ought to
be doing this.
I don't have to find the external motivation
for myself. I don't have to find or
pretend to find the internal motivation for it,
and I don't have to have the mean
girl voice in my head,
making me feel bad when I don't wanna
do it. I literally... Get to shut all
that dot off. Mh. And just do what
Daddy says.
Now. That does not work. We're.
Yeah.
But when it works, it
is
fucking
amazing. And it... And it's only amazing because
we're sitting here picking it apart. In the
moment, in, I'm just not as stressed. I'm
not as cranky. I'm not as what I'm
just like, look at me, I did the
thing. You know fold the fucking sheets. When
you did say have to do that before
we go to Cancel. Right? Do I remember
that correctly duck thing is I've gotten older,
and life has shifted and changed, and I...
Just to handle life differently than I once
did.
I'm not ready to say that I'm un
mask,
because I'm still... But I I think that's
probably... For people who know what that term
is, it's probably something like that. So as
those changes have occurred,
I can no longer trust my memory
In a way I once could. Is it
perry probably? I don't know. It just 8.
I don't know. But man, the... This mind
is not a steel trap anymore. So that
is my...
That is another motivator I have to...
Not just a validation in the excitement and
the praise and the, you know,
exceeding
expectations because I was that kind of person
from childhood.
It's It's also the oh
shit. I will forget this existed And I...
If I get it done now, I can't
forget it. And then I can't get in
trouble because ultimately what I want is to
be a good sickness. I wanna be the
kind of submissive that you and I both
want me to be. You know? You, you
know, I don't think you want me to
be a specific type of submissive, but you
like the type of submissive I am most
of the time.
I on 4 times a not. Ra right.
I mean, it's, you know, if it was
not majority, then that'll be a problem.
So, you know,
there's that as well. I think it's a
very...
I think motivation in general is very complicated.
I I saw... I've already... Like, I'm not
looking at it, but I remember seeing in
the live chat? Me. So what are you
do You have no motivation, internal, external.
Sometimes you just get through day to day
and you just survive until whatever it is
you need for the motivation hits you. Person
or internal or paycheck or the con... Avoiding
the consequences Of I'm not doing a thing.
That's a motivator. That is a motivator.
It's not always the most helpful motivator.
I mean, is it some sometimes I wonder
too if it's a case of
you know, opposites a attract.
Sometimes. So to speak. Sometimes. I mean, I
don't I don't think that's a universal. I
mean, it's just stereotype tight because it Yeah.
Soon true for some people. Yeah. I want
to... I mean, I'm very familiar with
external
motivation as a submissive. Is how I get
shit done as we have...
Clearly stated.
I would like to... And I guess we
have to do a thought experiment because somebody
named John Browns stone is very internally motivated.
But I can absolutely
imagine a dominant who would be externally motivated
by their power exchange. Like,
even if you can't real to external motivation.
Are there things you do?
In your relationship with me as a dominant
that if you are not the dominant of
me, like and I did not have the
needs I have as a submissive that you
just wouldn't do because they... They... There would
be no need.
Yeah. Right. So it is absolutely feasible to
me that some dominance
are doing it whatever that thing is as
a dominant. Mh.
Because they're submissive
needs them to. Not because an internal force
goes, we just do the thing and here
here's why. And however, you're fucking wired over
there
mister healthy 1 what the fuck at about.
You know, some people are gonna need the...
This is what my submissive needs and so
I'm going to provide it them. Mh. And
I just, you know,
we've spent all this time talking about me
as a submissive and hopefully 2 other.
Just wanna go dom, who need external motivation.
I see you. You are just as it
that motivation is just as valid as the
motivation I need. Right? Like, it's not
it is not wrong.
Or
inherently bad
to find your motivation from outside of yourself
from your power from your your kinky partner
from the activities and the routines and the
tasks and the pro call you negotiate within
your power exchange. Quite frankly for anybody out
there who's, like,
dealing with negotiating a power exchange or you're
shifting your power change,
let what externally motivates you guide you as
long as that can fit in a healthy
way? Like, if you are submissive up, there
who's like, oh, yeah. I'm gonna do more
of if my dom tells me to do
it. Even if my dom does not quote
need me to do it. They're That's where
that question got kinda hung They're dumb got
hung up. They're like, I don't need you
to fold your laundry. You need to fold
your laundry and that's... This it was like
I will do it if you tell me
to do it. Right. Right? Like, Yeah.
That... You know,
sometimes we need the motivation, not because because
you need something from us, but because it
it helps us as much as,
you know, we can help... If I'm a
better... If I'm feeling good as a human
being and a sickness, I'm a better sickness
submissive. Right? If you're feeling good as a
human making to dominant, you're a better dominant.
If some of that are. Feeling good
comes from
what your partner,
asks of you does for you needs from
you.
It's as long as everybody's kinda in on
it and understands what's going on. And it's
not
it's not using somebody without giving back in
return and rec,
not a 1 to 1. I, you don't
need me to motivate you. We've established that.
Okay. You do not need to hold up
my end of the power exchange board. And
Mh. And if I can't, you need me
to communicate that. That's enough of a swap.
Right? Mh. For me to be
come comfortable with and
grateful for
you as an external motivating. Mh. Because I'm
not asking you to do things you don't
wanna do wouldn't do otherwise are outside your
comfort level. I'm asking you to be my
dumb, and sometimes I'm telling you, hey, in
a very specific way. This is what I
need from you. That is no different than
negotiating any other thing about your Power exchange,
your kinks, your boundaries, your wants, your limits.
I would like this from you.
And it... Yes, it will serve as external
motivation. I understand that, but this is what
I I would like you as my dom
to do for me, will you do that?
If you agree to do it, then it's
a reciprocal
thing even though maybe what I'm getting out
of it.
Is beneficial in a way that you're not
benefiting from. Other than the fact that you're
benefiting from benefiting for me doing my shit,
the way you want me to do shit.
That's true. That's very true. For anybody who
gets hung up mh. On the...
Why should I do this? Why should I
ask them?
It's about your needs? I And as long
as your partner
consent to it, then... Mh. Then then you're
good. I... Yeah.
I got myself
all
hot and bothered. You got yourself in a
Ta.
So I did see Tissue say something in
live chat. Mh. That if you work from
home and get work done, he met he
said extra he met internally motivated. Here's the
thing. For the most part, I would agree
with that. Mh. But also,
if I pick it apart,
I'm not... Sometimes I'm doing shit because it's
important to me reaching the goals is important
to me, you know,
hitting a certain number that we've said, doing
a certain thing. That's important to me. But
I'm motivated
by
the money.
Well,
I mean, I... That's kind of it's... Star.
III think I... You know,
I I think that's kind of AAA given
for most everybody.
You know, You like to have a roof
over head, you like to have, you know,
food on the table and True. But when
you own your own business and you have
to do...
Everything.
I think it's okay to go
part of the motivating factor external to me.
Because we can't control who buys how much
what they buy how much it's spend. We
can only do our... We can only do
something that we care about and enjoy. That's
the internal motivation we want to be making
kinky toys. We love what we do. That's
our internal motivation. But on the dates.
When I would rather sit my ass on,
a couch and doom scroll.
The thing that is getting me up is
not internal.
It might be John Brad and it's time
to go to work with a what are
you still doing here?
There there been a few times. You, you,
you know, during the day, I hear my
phone being, and I know the sound of...
What of of
Instagram.
And I'm very tempted. You know,
I'm in the middle of doing something, but
I'm very tempted sometimes to pick up before
that aren't you supposed to be working? So
here's it's funny. Let me tell you about
my mark method. When I have to do
something tedious. I y'all.
Aren't I think I made this clear earlier.
I fucking bribe myself.
Now some days, I let myself get distracted
by my phone, and I just scroll and
scroll and then I'm... Like, got that mean
girl voice in my I head about, oh,
you suck. Well, I mean,
more than...
Less than it used to be more than
it. Yeah.
But, like sometimes I bribe myself, and I
go look. If you go do that thing
that you're you don't wanna fucking do. Just
go do it. Mh. You're allowed to have
number minutes.
To just look at your phone.
Now, the hard part, and this is where
this is where internal motivation comes from because
it's not truly 1 or the other, someone's
that's probably both is then I have to
be the 1 to stop myself. I go,
okay. Oh excuse me? You cannot scroll for
an hour then it's not how you get
worked done. But, you know, here's... That's the
thing.
When I worked for somebody else,
unless I had something that had to be...
Delivered done completed by a date. I could
dick around all I wanted the the motivator
to get me there Got me there in
the morning, but there was no internal motivation
to keep working, that still occurs as I
work from home for myself. There are days
when I'm like, I wish I was I
was a corporate person again who could... Just
dick. Well, you know, So I just dick.
The big the big difference is
if you if you have a job that
you go to.
And and this is not a hundred percent
always the case.
But if you have a job that you
go to. You go to your job and
you perform a particular function,
that then is a part,
you know, and everybody else is performing their
function
Okay? And then everything comes together, whatever, you
know, service or or or good you're producing.
But when you go to that job,
usually, you're not doing
everything. You're performing a function.
Yes.
Now here we are self employed sure
We do all the.
Right. And or we go, well we can't
do that function because we do not have
the skill for that function or the budget.
But, I mean, the the...
There are plenty of us who...
However you work, you have a day where
you go.
I'm just I'm just passing time. I'm just
passing time. I'm not actually doing anything. See
what what take happens to home too. Yeah.
This might be I mean what what Tissue
just said it
kinda hits. The nail on the head. The
money is the external reward
for the internal
motivation. I think for some of us. Yes.
And I think even for myself much of
the time. But there are...
I have I have
I have done a thing I hated just
for the paycheck. To me, I'm gonna call
that journal motivation. Yeah. I think it's parsing,
you know, it's semantics at a certain point.
If you feel like the motivation is coming
from within the call is coming from inside
the house. It is.
I don't I don't... It doesn't have to
be the same for me. I don't have
to see it that way. It is. If
for you, that is internal, it's internal. If
for you, it's external and you're, like, in,
I don't really see it coming from inside
me, but, you know, payday. Every Friday got
a nice. Mh.
It is. Like, however, you know, however, it
feels to you is I just know myself
well enough to know that, yes. There are
absolutely things. I just fucking do because they're
important to me, and I wanna get them
done and I don't need anybody to tell
me to do it. I don't need a
air quote reward or a result for it.
I'm just fucking doing it for
my own reasons, and I'll get myself going
and quite frankly, motherhood. You know?
Like, like, that we know... We all know
shitty parents exist out there so cool clearly,
there are people who are not motivated to,
like, try and do right with their kids.
I do the things I do for my
kids not because of external motivation. I do
it.
It... That's internal. The... A lot of the
things I do for work in business. A
lot of them are internal.
But I am
becoming more comfortable with admitting than a lot
of fucking should I do
requires and is because of some level of
external motivation there. Plenty of things I would
never do if there wasn't something from outside.
I mean, you you talk about,
you know, how I have
internal motivation.
Okay?
But
there are
things that externally
affect that.
Sure. Alright.
Because part of my internal
motivation
is driven by
the responsibility
of, oh, I have a family take care
of. Sure. I have a home to take
care of. Mh.
Alright? You know? So all all those things
kinda... You know, and if I don't do
what I'm supposed to do.
Then... Here's what that tells me, and here's
what I think we're getting at without saying
it. The whole fucking thing is more nuanced
than a black or white, yes or no,
binary,
internal external.
Plenty of things
require both. Yeah. Or work when you have
both or allow you to have both, Right?
No, like, when I start... When I just
get up, and I start working on some
tedious thing in the business that... If I
had my brothers, I would not do.
And I do it without thinking about the
outcome of this is money or
the, you know, my daddy told me to,
and I just go this needs to be
done and I do it. That is internal.
However,
when I get bored,
and I mentally wander off and start scrolling
Instagram and sharing 85 reels a minute with
you, and I get the... Baby girl. That
is... And I put my fucking phone down
and get back to work. That is external
motivation, and it's all happening at the same
time. Right. I I think
it is something that is so
intertwined. Yes. I agree.
For the comp... Conversation today because as usual,
we're getting into the weeds. Because they like
to be in the weeds.
It's more of a simplifying the idea of
external motivation for Kingston,
especially those who think that somehow
they... Air quote this should not need
an
outside influence on their motivation who feel bad
because they only do something because they're wanted
them to do it or a dumb, who
somehow feels bad, guilty whatever whatever for only
doing something
because I'm you know, they they said they'd
do it for their submissive, it's part of
the power. And without that, they wouldn't do
it.
Plenty of people,
Probably I don't feel bad at all. They
just kinda go about their... They don't even
think about it that fucking hard.
But because I think Kinks are in a
unique position when
The communication is flowing and doing well where
we start talking about the why of stuff.
Right? Is especially if you're negotiating your Power
exchange, and I'll speak from the perspective of
a submissive, and I ask you to do
something for me or to help me with
some thing or to oversee something that you
would never normally even consider. 1 of your
questions is most likely gonna be okay. What's
this about? Tell me more. Help me understand.
Right. And then I am in the position
of trying to explain to you why I,
a grown ass woman.
Needs to be told
to fold the sheets. Right? Like,
you there are plenty of us who will
feel a little
silly.
Foolish childish, pick a word. I don't know.
Mh. Because we... There's societal, usually.
Culturally, we have been taught. We've gotten a
message somehow.
That we should just do shit we're supposed
to do that we know we're supposed do.
And, yeah, that would be lovely, but sometimes
it's hard and power exchange
gives you the opportunity to actually create the
dynamic where you can get that need fulfilled
without the guilt and the shame and the
the mean self talk that pushes you to
finally do a thing you're supposed to do
or to just feel like shit when you
look around it, your life and you're like,
there's all things I know I need to
do, and I just
can't.
And the just can't
comes from so many different reasons, and so
many
places and so many,
and not everybody will understand why that simple
task to you,
I struggle with Right? And I know that
you get confused you're like, what, are you
just... Just fucking fold them. Why is this
so hard? Well, we could go through a
cycle analysis. Of my mind if you'd like,
but how about we simplify this And I
just tell you I need this. I need
the push. I need the push. I need
the the outs side accountability,
I need. If you'll just tell me to
do it,
I'll do it faster.
And owning that for yourself, side
without judgment and shame and apologizing
for it, and just going on. This is
what I need to be a better submissive.
This is what I need to be a
better dominant. This is what I need to
be
a Gangster who just, like, does basic life
things a little easier.
You know, that's valid. That's legit. What and
that's why to me the conversation becomes important.
Because of that question we got from somebody
way. Lola agrees.
Because of that question we got from somebody
who was feeling bad that they did better
when their dominant just told them what to
do. And they're dominant couldn't understand
the need. In that case, if I recall
the, I wish I could remember what fucking
episode it was. It was 1 of the
Q and a. I know, but I couldn't
find it when I looked my notes. And
so I don't know which 1 it is.
My point is is that... That's fairly recent.
In the conversation we had about it, our
advice was through shift the language you're using
because the dominant got stuck on, well, I
don't need you to do this. Mh. And
that is a thing that I think
dominance probably
newer dominance probably need time to get comfortable
with is not everything
that
you want a submissive to do
necessarily has to
take care of your the dominant your needs.
Sometimes it's about what the submissive need. Yeah.
You know? And I think that gets lost
to. That could be a whole conversation. You
know?
Absolutely.
So that's why it's been on my mind
because man, I resonated with that, and I've
dealt with all of my own
tough feelings about that and how wrong I
have felt how bad I felt Lola agrees.
And so, yeah, I think
worth the conversation, but I do think it's
very complex. It's not an always either or.
Sometimes
it's both. Yeah.
So
Mh. I gave myself a headache with that
I have, like a little bit of AT3
temp but not the temple of my eyebrow
right here.
Maybe... No. That's temple. Before the head region.
So I have ran out of steam. Is
there anything else you would like to ask?
I don't think so just people You ever
here going. I don't understand external motivation. I
just I think I need to do a
thing and I just go do it and
I see some me. I see something that
needs to be done and I do it.
And I am grateful for you. More shit
gets done around here because for like that.
And then I...
Yep. I know Lola.
I, you know what? Sometimes motivate when I
see you just
taking care of shit the needs to be
done. I feel I feel guilty that you're
over there doing it. And so I'm like,
oh, let me get my let me get
my lazy, butt I let's go do it.
Now I... I've heard this. I have internalized
this, not everybody
Right, Lowell, And Everybody will agree with this.
But a lot of people that I have
observed, talk to interacted with red, whatever, whatever
they've put content out that talk about needing
external motivation or talk about.
Mh.
Executive
dysfunction
often call themselves
lazy. Right? And I've done that when I'm
being mean to myself in my own head.
I just got some seriously
machine side eye.
So the thing that
somebody's
therapist not my own once told them that
resonated with me is that they apparently said
something to the effect of
when you're lazy
and you don't do the thing you need
to do.
Something you tend to enjoy yourself.
So if you're thinking about the thing, you
need to do and you're unable... To do
it
and you're miserable.
Whatever else you are, it's not lazy,
and I'll I have, like, para phrase that
and rep it. But basically,
lazy, if... When it's laziness,
it feels better. It's a... It's fun.
You're, like, look at me not doing the
thing I was to do. Mh. When it's
whatever else causes you to not be able
to do the things you needed to do,
it's not laziness up. It's something else, executive
dysfunction, Mh. Mental illness, like something something something.
So... Yeah. If you need... External motivation in
your power exchange to get basic shit done.
You are not lazy.
You just need
a different approach. You the right motivator. Right.
Exactly. There. Okay. That's my
panel talk,
for the week.
Lola is done with this. I think she
would go outside if she could, but it's
still raining, so she cannot.
Yeah. We can do a bonus section. Okay.
If you would like. So are we good?
I do not know.
Keep it y'all. And we'll see you next
week.
I
It's.
Can we talk to the, please.
Go ahead. Thank you, Danny. Your dog is
standing by the door No. She months probably
go to her bed. She's ready to go
to her crate. Yeah bed. Yeah. Yeah. She...
Lola has not spent as much time on
the couch with us. In recent weeks and
has just gone to her bed,
and that's where she would prefer to spend
her time.
So we took a week off.
And we worked.
Now my mom did come to town, Yeah.
And we had a whirlwind like, 5 days
or so. The 18 year old came home
for part of it.
He
enjoyed his time with his grandmother who's spends
a lot of money on him.
We finally got to try crumble cookies. Mh.
Because my aunt uncle bought. Yep.
Spends we ate out way too often. My
mom kept going. This this is me making
up for not... And I don't know why
she why she felt Cab compelled.
I didn't send anybody mother's day gifts. I'm
was the only other than her, the only
other mother in the group. I didn't... I'm
not sending any father's day gifts. Jb is
the only only father in the group, like,
she was like, so to makeup up for
it. It's by treat will eat out every
night. And I was like,
you you never spent this much not a
mother or father stay present before.
I feel like you've gone overboard.
But it didn't take nobody had to cook.
Nobody had to, like, keep a super ultra
clean house because, you know,
Afterwards. Right. So... So it was kinda nice
in that aspect. Yes. I would felt more
uncomfortable with it if it had been a
request anybody had made to eat out, and
then she was like She's, like,
a month before she got here. She's was
like, this is what we're doing. And I
don't wanna hear anything from anybody and I
was like,
okay. I'll just trying to pay it forward
to my kids.
I'm at my sixties, and they're still broke.
Let's let's try that.
I I did still work. I just didn't
do
as much or the same kind of work?
Yeah.
And now she wants to come back in.
She's at the door to come back in.
I don't know if the mic picked her
up.
And now we're
streaming slash recording on July third podcast listeners.
This will come out July fifth. We are
taking July fourth off.
To the extent that we seriously mean we're
not doing anything
on Thursday.
I'm actually gonna, get the podcast ready tonight
to go out on Friday.
Lola
is off to the side she has come
back in the office. She is happy. She
is on her back.
Sp out
as her daddy who is sometimes my daddy,
but he's more her daddy
gets on the floor with her to rub
her belly,
and she's bliss out,
So as long as Lowell was happy, that's
really all that matters in life.
Yeah. Yeah.
I've got nothing to add the 18 year
old to be home this weekend. We're... We
are going on Thursday to go, pick him
up. He has to do...
Something with his driver's license on Friday.
I meant to ask that he check to
make sure the Dmv was gonna go
Friday.
I did not ask. He's coming home anyway
whatever.
So that's nice. The 14 year old
is this. Close to finally being done with
great. Now, for anybody who's like, it is
July. How is he not done? The
virtual schooling thing he did. He actually started
November.
So he's finishing 2 months after
he would have... Right. Public school, but he's
started 3 months after so and because of
the way that happened the way he he
started,
he...
You know, left
school, but what he had done up to
that point in school did not count. He
basically had to go back start start
from square 1
per eighth grade. Like, literally, like, a handful
of things to turn in and then
done with eighth grade. Yeah. We asked them?
Like, what do you want?
How do you wanna celebrate
finishing middle school. Right? Because he didn't get
to have the in person and experience
with his classmates, and he goes,
I would like a cookie cake. And I
was like, I like how you think. I
will get you a cookie cake an
I'm hoping I can convince him that we
need to, like, celebrate it. I don't know
whatever food thing he likes. He's very particular
about what he eats, but he will eat
a good Mcdonald's or
Wendy's or, you know, a couple of other
places. So,
like, just
He and I are both. We're... It's like
we're in the trenches to this together.
So we're getting through stuff, and we're talking
through, like, we're mapping out in the next
few days. He's gonna take Thursday off. It's
a holiday as brothers coming home. We're just
gonna, like, a everybody's and chill for Thursday
the fourth. We don't really sell up great
for of July. We're gonna make hamburgers.
That's that's about it. We're gonna be annoyed
at 2 or 3AM when the neighbors are
still setting off fireworks
slash shooting their guns into the air. This
is an area where you legitimately have to
go was pot
Alright go fire arm. I don't know. Yeah.
But, yeah, we've mapped out house. He could
potentially be completely done with Eighth grade by
Monday or tuesday of next week. And every
time we talk about it, he, like, he
gets a little bit more
un enthused. Mh. Silent and the live chat
asked what is a cookie cake? It is
a gigantic. In this case, chocolate chip cookie.
11 inches 9 inches. It can go bigger,
that they use cake frosting on to decorate.
Yeah. Is it cookie cake? Mh.
I'm we get ours from pub. I'm sure
other places may make them in different ways,
but the public's way is just
around... Like...
Chocolate
chip cookie. Yep. Yep. Yep.
And the kid loves those? Like, he'd rather
have that than actual cake, and I'm like,
who's chop? Are you? Because yeah be cake
and the frosting. I want... I think I
don't know, maybe the cookie is a vehicle
for the frosting. I I don't know.
No
Old
But, yeah. It's been
school year wise. It has been a
fucking year.
I think we are all kind of survivors
of his eighth grade experience,
but his mental health is improving, his physical
health is improving.
The
we've had to make some changes on our
end as parents to help get him to
that point. His but the more improvement I
see
that is
above and beyond how he was in in
school. Mh. 6 seventh grade even before that.
Like, it's not... It has not been an
easy decision. It is is very stressful. I
worry that I am fucking up my own
kids and education every fucking day.
And yet, I can't regret it because he
is
he is more
himself. It it is... Has been in probably
years. It is nice to to see that
because, yes. He was not himself for... So
long. And now
his
personality is is shining back through.
And,
Bill
even the typical 14 year old
ish stuff,
you know. I mean, I can't I we
might have to sometimes discipline it, but I
can't even be mad about it. I'm like,
look at you. Maybe developmental them lawyer. Appropriate.
Yeah The thing is is what I've noticed
is as
his health overall has improved, He is willing.
To do things that he found impossible. Like,
small things that most of us would kinda
go, oh, that's a big deal. For him,
it was a big deal. Mh. And he's,
like,
he's he's able to make those steps and
I'm like, okay.
I'm still not convinced then I know what
the fuck I'm doing is a parent. Certainly
not a home parent. However
I
if it now feels like it was the
right direction for him. It is not something
I would recommend for every fucking box. No.
I said no. I can say no. It's
definitely not for everyone everybody. If his health
had not been basically ruined if
this school year. I probably never would have
made the note. The choice either. But no.
So...
So, yeah. We're just... We're mostly being parents
and mh, trying to survive Florida's. Summer. And
apparently, we're already watching storms as poor
bear people in barrels path are getting fucked.
Mh.
And yet, it's that weird thing of you
feel bad for the people affected and then
you... At the same time, go, I'm am
so glad not us. Yeah. Yeah. Weird. Knowing
that, you know, at some point, our time
will Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Hopefully not.
Am. And you never know. It's a So...
And so yeah. Hurricane season is in full
horse. Mh.
Fur babies are all doing decent.
Yeah. Like,
Kayla said, did take lola to the... I
am motivated to work more after the vet
bill. Yeah.
They really didn't
find anything
glowing wrong with her. No.
There. There were a few little things,
her weight.
Yeah. The nice thing is the the vet
validated estimate. You were doing everything. Right. Supposed
to. We we we're not the problem. No.
We we told her what we're doing, you
know, when when we started using this weight
management food,
You know, we look. This is
what her weight is supposed to be, and
this is what we're feeding her.
And
you know, in in the past, her snacks
would have been, you know, dog biscuits and
you know,
pieces of cheese and and whatnot, and and
that has totally been cut out her snacks
are now
fresh
vegetables and fruit. Mh.
And and, you know, she does it.
Now they did notice she had a a
slight infection. She's on. She's on a serious
about. Siri for 28 days. She's gonna we
were given her antibiotic.
And they said that might have been why
she was so low energy. Yeah.
Now what they also are trying to do
even though her thyroid is kind of in
the... In is in the normal range.
Apparently, vets have done this in the past.
They put her on the lowest dose
of,
thyroid
medication.
You kind of try and boost her metabolism
a little bit.
And it has been
noticeable. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, she
she wants to walk. Oh, yeah. She will
stand at the front door and a woo.
Yeah. Until somebody... Yeah named john Brown and
for a. And I think that's kind of
what...
You know, because you, like, where's my walk
in I? Oh,
Definitely.
You wouldn't get to go anyway. Right. Raining.
Right.
So, you know,
she is doing decent on her walks. Right
while she's not walking as far as, you
know, we used to take her. But then
again, I'm... It's taking into account. It's hot.
So
so freaking hot. So much. She does not
walk at 05:30. No. Because that would be
an hour long walk, and we still wouldn't
get very far down the story.
You know, God god lover. She is not
really a walker.
She is a sniff. Mh.
And you know, that is what she did,
but we have been walking in the evening
her and Eye after dinner.
And
she... She is doing well.
Prior to being on the antibiotic and the
thyroid meds,
she would
stop
lay down and rest several times during the
walk. And now she is not doing that,
But I have I have noticed,
you know, she has been doing very well
with the self regulating
on the walk.
Meaning that,
When we get to a certain point,
she will turn around of her own accord
and start heading back.
Mh. So
Yes, ma'am. No. We... No. You're talk we're
talking about
She's sitting next to me now. Mh. I've
been patti her and now, I guess she's...
Yeah. Done with whatever...
You're not tonight, ma'am. It's raining. Yeah. So,
you know, there... There's been that, and she's
been doing pretty good
with that now.
So, you know, and as as you can
hear, she's been rather vocal tonight? Yeah. More
vocal than... Than she has been. Yeah. So
maybe that's another sign She's feeling. Yeah.
And
you know,
Kayla got a little upset me because I
did get her a bit r up before...
Right before it start recording
recording. Yes, ma'am. I not. But you know,
I also knew 1 gonna take her for
a walk and true. And part of the
concern we'd had, which is why we got
her into the vet. When we did was
that she was not getting her Zoom. Like,
like, Lola is like her parents. She's creature
habit. You can almost sat. I'll watch by
certain things. Mh. And we also just sort
of know
what the circumstances have to be for her
to get some, like, a crazy Zoom is
in this office. Yeah. And
it just wasn't happening and know.
Yes, ma'am.
Should we just, like,
put the mic down by you and let
you
serena the the good people out. Is that
you tell them all the things you're thinking
about. Alright.
Met many of them would listen.
I know. Oh, yeah.
It's tough being you. And and you're probably
right.
Silent
saying that w word. Yeah. Silence said all
that g is probably because you guys keep
saying...
W a. Okay.
We don't spell as a rule, so I
don't think she can spell, and we're good.
Right?
We've gonna let this be the Lola show
now. Right.
She seems to have a lot to say
tonight. She does. It's nice.
Folks haven't gotten to hear your voice. Mh.
Just don't knock over the tripod. Okay. Nope.
So, yeah. We're
the cats are
menace.
We love them.
Yeah. That's kind of about it. You know,
we're just,
doing our. Yeah. Tough.
And just existing.
And you want we
do.
Yeah. It's not. It's 1 of those times
of life. I'm I'm grateful before. It is
neither bad nor good. It's neutral. I'll take
neutral. Okay. Mh. Good is nice. Good is
nice. Bad sucks, but I'll take. Girl.
What is Lovely they would over there? Every
time I stop petting her? U. She puts
her nose under your hand and girl yes.
1. Yep.
I did not give rep permission to stop
Yeah. Right. Who's the dom over there? Who's
in charge?
I don't think it's you.
Lola was large and in charge. Yes. She
is.
She's... Maybe, you know, maybe it is. She's
getting some of her spun back.
Yeah.
You're just good. I'm happy to see that.
Yes. Yeah. Very happy to see that. Boop.
So
I think that's think it for us. I
was plus. Eat Right? A week away. For
week... Away and knew what than almost an
hour and a half. Basically, Yeah. So for
anybody who stuck around to the bidder any
a couple of reminders, 1, the kin
dot com exists. If you'd like to know
about the things that we're doing and selling
and making and
please subscribe to our email is. We do
not spam. We promise. No.
2,
if you like, chat. And when we answer
questions, this Saturday, July sixth
is our Patreon monthly live Q and a.
And so if you join our Patreon. If
you have not already, you get access to
that, plus a discord over plus other stuff.
Links are all in the places for all
of the things. And if Todd da. Mh.
I guess, I guess it's time to go.
Yeah. I guess we're gonna do that now.
Yeah. I'm joining us and
Good to see you and hope to see
you back in next time. Yep. We'll be
back next week. Yep. Okay. Bye. Bye.