1 00:00:11,425 --> 00:00:13,085 - You are listening to the loving BDSM podcast. 2 00:00:13,215 --> 00:00:15,245 Kayla, the Lord's here with the one, the only, the guy 3 00:00:15,245 --> 00:00:17,845 who can finally see out of both eyes Again, John Brownstone. 4 00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:20,845 - Kind of, sort of, - Sort of It's better. Yeah. 5 00:00:21,065 --> 00:00:23,045 You don't look like I beat you up. No. 6 00:00:23,175 --> 00:00:25,005 Which we don't, we don't want that out there. 7 00:00:25,225 --> 00:00:27,165 - No, we don't. 'cause you didn't. Right. 8 00:00:27,225 --> 00:00:28,725 - And I wouldn't. - Right. Right. 9 00:00:29,265 --> 00:00:32,245 - But, you know Yeah. Your face looks more normal. 10 00:00:32,795 --> 00:00:35,325 - Yeah. It does. It, my, my face looks normal now. 11 00:00:35,345 --> 00:00:38,085 I'm, I'm jockeying the broken glasses. Uh 12 00:00:38,425 --> 00:00:39,205 - Oh. Yes. Yeah. 13 00:00:39,265 --> 00:00:40,845 - We both are. - And also, 14 00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:45,485 I've heard you say fuck more times this week than 15 00:00:46,045 --> 00:00:48,205 probably in the past year or two. 16 00:00:49,645 --> 00:00:52,965 'cause Yeah. Ev all kinds of things are breaking. Yes. Yes. 17 00:00:52,995 --> 00:00:56,245 Nothing wants to cooperate. No, no. But we're here 18 00:00:56,665 --> 00:00:57,665 - We are. 19 00:00:57,665 --> 00:00:59,045 - So that's what matters. - This isn't broken 20 00:00:59,745 --> 00:01:00,765 - Yet. . Give us 21 00:01:00,805 --> 00:01:01,805 - A minute. 22 00:01:02,065 --> 00:01:03,965 - Uh, that's not what we're talking about at all. 23 00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:07,125 Uh, this week we're answering a, um, 24 00:01:07,885 --> 00:01:10,245 question from a submissive who's experiencing conflict 25 00:01:10,245 --> 00:01:12,885 with their dominant partner, but they don't know if they're 26 00:01:13,525 --> 00:01:16,525 reacting appropriately or if they are part of the problem. 27 00:01:17,955 --> 00:01:19,165 It's a complex one. Yeah. 28 00:01:19,395 --> 00:01:21,085 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. 29 00:01:21,265 --> 00:01:23,245 If you're new here, we help Kors like you have happy, 30 00:01:23,245 --> 00:01:24,565 healthy power exchange relationships. 31 00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,765 Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app 32 00:01:26,765 --> 00:01:27,885 so you never miss an episode. 33 00:01:28,105 --> 00:01:30,565 And if you'd like us to answer your question in an upcoming 34 00:01:30,665 --> 00:01:33,205 one of these out, you can use our contact page on our 35 00:01:33,405 --> 00:01:35,525 website loving bdsm.net. 36 00:01:35,525 --> 00:01:37,405 That's loving bdsm.net. 37 00:01:37,625 --> 00:01:40,565 Uh, it's actually labeled Ask your questions, . 38 00:01:40,565 --> 00:01:42,445 Uh, or you can find the link in the show 39 00:01:42,445 --> 00:01:43,525 notes for this episode. 40 00:01:44,155 --> 00:01:45,245 Okay. Let's jump into it. 41 00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:49,245 It's, uh, long kind of con, um, complicated, convoluted. 42 00:01:49,245 --> 00:01:50,565 I don't know. There's a lot going on. There's, 43 00:01:50,565 --> 00:01:51,605 - Here's a lot to it. Yeah. Yeah. Here 44 00:01:51,605 --> 00:01:52,605 - We go. 45 00:01:52,605 --> 00:01:54,285 I've been dating Adam Dom for about a year. 46 00:01:54,475 --> 00:01:55,885 He's poly and has a committed 47 00:01:55,885 --> 00:01:56,965 relationship with someone else. 48 00:01:57,345 --> 00:01:58,405 I'm not his priority. 49 00:01:58,745 --> 00:02:01,165 He is the first person I've had a kinky relationship with. 50 00:02:01,165 --> 00:02:04,245 While he has been doing this for six years while seeing him, 51 00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:06,685 I notice that he does not enjoy closeness after sex. 52 00:02:07,065 --> 00:02:08,805 We don't engage in anything too rough. 53 00:02:09,085 --> 00:02:11,645 I never have any physical wounds or bruises to attend to, 54 00:02:11,905 --> 00:02:14,205 but I've let him know that I'd enjoy closeness after sex, 55 00:02:14,265 --> 00:02:15,725 and he will sometimes initiate it. 56 00:02:15,725 --> 00:02:17,925 But more often than not, he will want to simply leave 57 00:02:17,925 --> 00:02:20,125 and keep it very short before sex. 58 00:02:20,185 --> 00:02:22,285 We chat and share openly about other dating 59 00:02:22,285 --> 00:02:23,765 experiences in life in general. 60 00:02:23,985 --> 00:02:25,685 And he always tries to be supportive when I 61 00:02:25,685 --> 00:02:26,805 share life struggles. 62 00:02:27,435 --> 00:02:31,765 Last time before we met, I asked him, Lola has opinions. 63 00:02:32,795 --> 00:02:33,925 Last time before we met, 64 00:02:34,045 --> 00:02:36,485 I asked him if we could spend time together after sex. 65 00:02:36,625 --> 00:02:38,285 He said, of course. And after we had sex, 66 00:02:38,305 --> 00:02:39,605 he suggested we leave the house 67 00:02:39,605 --> 00:02:40,765 and get some cake and coffee. 68 00:02:41,305 --> 00:02:42,405 He also said that I needed 69 00:02:42,405 --> 00:02:44,365 to decide in the next 10 minutes if I wanted to do 70 00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:45,645 that since we had to go get the bus. 71 00:02:46,285 --> 00:02:47,485 I was completely overwhelmed 72 00:02:47,505 --> 00:02:49,485 and not really in the right head space to make 73 00:02:49,485 --> 00:02:51,885 that decision, but I just said, okay, let's do that. 74 00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:54,245 In the cafe, I realized that I was not doing well, 75 00:02:54,245 --> 00:02:56,445 and I told him that I really would've needed aftercare. 76 00:02:57,065 --> 00:02:59,285 His response was that I should have communicated that 77 00:02:59,285 --> 00:03:01,845 to him right after sex, that I needed longer aftercare. 78 00:03:02,105 --> 00:03:04,285 And that aftercare is a thing that is always assumed 79 00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:07,525 to be a given, but nobody ever asks him if he enjoys it. 80 00:03:07,665 --> 00:03:10,005 And it's a way of putting my own needs on him. 81 00:03:10,705 --> 00:03:12,685 He is usually able to read my body language 82 00:03:12,685 --> 00:03:13,805 and I was not doing well. 83 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:17,685 At some point, I showed him that I was shaking. He said, no. 84 00:03:18,005 --> 00:03:20,525 I said that it was very unfair to expect me 85 00:03:20,525 --> 00:03:21,765 to be assertive right 86 00:03:21,765 --> 00:03:24,285 after having sex while being in the submissive role. 87 00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:26,125 And then I needed more time to recover. 88 00:03:26,745 --> 00:03:28,085 He said that if he lays down 89 00:03:28,085 --> 00:03:29,645 after sex, he will just fall asleep. 90 00:03:30,225 --> 00:03:32,405 We ended the conversation by agreeing that he will try 91 00:03:32,405 --> 00:03:34,645 to take longer after care more into consideration, 92 00:03:34,985 --> 00:03:37,045 and I will try to communicate it in the right 93 00:03:37,045 --> 00:03:38,085 moment after sex. 94 00:03:38,685 --> 00:03:40,405 I also had not eaten well that day, 95 00:03:40,425 --> 00:03:42,645 and this caused me to be more exhausted than usual. 96 00:03:43,145 --> 00:03:44,445 He said, I should tell him this 97 00:03:44,465 --> 00:03:45,725 and he'll make a meal for me. 98 00:03:46,445 --> 00:03:48,285 . I gotta love Lola. 99 00:03:48,825 --> 00:03:50,805 I'm starting to realize it is not easy for me 100 00:03:50,805 --> 00:03:53,405 to communicate these things because I do want to please him 101 00:03:53,405 --> 00:03:54,405 and not annoy him. 102 00:03:54,945 --> 00:03:57,245 But when I got home, I realized that his position 103 00:03:57,245 --> 00:04:00,045 and comments about aftercare really annoyed me regardless 104 00:04:00,065 --> 00:04:01,245 of the way we left the issue. 105 00:04:01,245 --> 00:04:03,525 And that his general lack of concern and distance 106 00:04:03,525 --> 00:04:05,925 after sex has caused me to trust him less, 107 00:04:05,925 --> 00:04:07,685 especially since it was a total switch 108 00:04:07,685 --> 00:04:08,925 to the way he acts before. 109 00:04:09,685 --> 00:04:10,885 I also was hurt because I felt 110 00:04:10,885 --> 00:04:12,045 that he was looking down at me 111 00:04:12,105 --> 00:04:13,605 for lacking communication skills 112 00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:16,005 and not taking responsibility for my own needs. 113 00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:18,405 Instead of maybe just showing empathy that I wasn't feeling 114 00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:21,125 so great in many ways, I felt like he was being 115 00:04:21,125 --> 00:04:22,445 that arrogant poly person 116 00:04:22,475 --> 00:04:25,365 that mansplained himself into not taking responsibility 117 00:04:25,385 --> 00:04:26,645 or dodging around the issue, 118 00:04:26,715 --> 00:04:29,885 because isn't aftercare his responsibility as a dom. 119 00:04:30,105 --> 00:04:32,645 And even if there is no one way to do aftercare, 120 00:04:32,705 --> 00:04:35,325 am I really putting my needs onto him by expecting 121 00:04:35,325 --> 00:04:36,685 that he takes the responsibility? 122 00:04:37,265 --> 00:04:38,965 We never agreed to skip aftercare. 123 00:04:39,225 --> 00:04:41,525 We also will cuddle for maybe a minute or two, 124 00:04:41,545 --> 00:04:43,285 but he has already moved on to the next thing. 125 00:04:43,785 --> 00:04:46,565 He probably considers this aftercare while I don't, 126 00:04:47,365 --> 00:04:49,165 I sent him a pretty in your face text message. 127 00:04:49,365 --> 00:04:51,365 I told him that I would like a deeper connection with him, 128 00:04:51,365 --> 00:04:53,885 and that being submissive without aftercare is exhausting. 129 00:04:54,205 --> 00:04:56,885 I asked him why closeness after sex is so difficult for him. 130 00:04:57,225 --> 00:04:58,685 We basically got into an argument 131 00:04:58,685 --> 00:05:00,005 and he said that he expects people 132 00:05:00,005 --> 00:05:01,765 who have a deeper connection to him to be able 133 00:05:01,765 --> 00:05:03,325 to communicate directly what they need. 134 00:05:03,765 --> 00:05:05,565 I said that I need to be allowed to communicate the way 135 00:05:05,565 --> 00:05:07,365 that I can not fulfill his standards. 136 00:05:07,415 --> 00:05:09,285 Everything else is unrealistic 137 00:05:09,285 --> 00:05:10,765 and doesn't honor my whole being 138 00:05:10,765 --> 00:05:12,445 with my weaknesses and strengths. 139 00:05:12,885 --> 00:05:15,085 I feel like he doubled down on his assholeness 140 00:05:15,185 --> 00:05:17,365 and confirmed that he was looking down on me 141 00:05:17,365 --> 00:05:18,885 for not communicating the right way. 142 00:05:19,345 --> 00:05:20,885 He also said that he wanted to meet, 143 00:05:20,885 --> 00:05:22,885 to talk about this in person and not via text, 144 00:05:22,885 --> 00:05:24,925 and told me when I, when I can expect a meeting 145 00:05:24,945 --> 00:05:26,605 and if I needed to talk it out beforehand, 146 00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:27,925 we could chat on the phone. 147 00:05:28,585 --> 00:05:29,725 He also said that for him, 148 00:05:29,805 --> 00:05:31,525 a deeper connection hadn't evolved yet. 149 00:05:31,525 --> 00:05:33,045 That it takes time. And he doesn't 150 00:05:33,045 --> 00:05:34,125 have that with every person. 151 00:05:34,845 --> 00:05:36,725 I don't really think that this connection is going to last, 152 00:05:36,745 --> 00:05:38,405 and I don't even know if I want to explain 153 00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:39,565 to him how not Okay. 154 00:05:39,565 --> 00:05:41,965 His behavior is. But there's a part of me though, 155 00:05:41,985 --> 00:05:45,125 who thinks, what if I am not taking enough responsibility, 156 00:05:45,465 --> 00:05:47,885 my being a teenager who expects my mind to be read 157 00:05:47,905 --> 00:05:50,965 and then putting my miserable, being miserable onto him, 158 00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:52,925 did send him that in your face text 159 00:05:52,925 --> 00:05:54,205 because I was feeling hurt. 160 00:05:54,685 --> 00:05:55,685 I probably would never have said 161 00:05:55,685 --> 00:05:56,645 it to him like that in person. 162 00:05:56,785 --> 00:05:58,445 And I can't tell if it was overkill 163 00:05:58,445 --> 00:06:00,925 or if I was simply able to communicate my feelings honestly. 164 00:06:01,365 --> 00:06:03,885 'cause I can write it out. I do feel like his expectations 165 00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:06,325 of me are unfair, and that he's exploiting the fact 166 00:06:06,325 --> 00:06:07,925 that I'm submissive and therefore struggle 167 00:06:07,925 --> 00:06:10,405 with displeasing him so he can get away with not doing a lot 168 00:06:10,405 --> 00:06:11,965 of aftercare at the same time. 169 00:06:12,065 --> 00:06:14,165 Am I using my identity as a submissive 170 00:06:14,165 --> 00:06:17,405 to avoid direct communication and standing up for my needs? 171 00:06:17,465 --> 00:06:20,405 Please help. There's a lot there. 172 00:06:20,645 --> 00:06:22,925 - . There's a, there's a lot. There is a lot. 173 00:06:23,305 --> 00:06:24,765 You are not kidding. Wow. 174 00:06:24,895 --> 00:06:26,565 - Sorry for anybody who might have zoned out, 175 00:06:26,565 --> 00:06:27,965 because there's a lot, hopefully we'll hit 176 00:06:27,965 --> 00:06:29,005 the salient points here. 177 00:06:29,005 --> 00:06:31,365 - Right, right. - Um, I feel like this is one of those, 178 00:06:31,505 --> 00:06:34,725 am I the asshole or are they the asshole? And I, 179 00:06:35,405 --> 00:06:39,965 - I, you know, I I I don't think either one. 180 00:06:40,285 --> 00:06:42,085 I don't either. All right. There, there, 181 00:06:42,095 --> 00:06:44,605 there is a a a lot going on. 182 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,125 Communication on both sides. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. 183 00:06:48,165 --> 00:06:51,245 . Okay. Both sides. Not just one or the other. 184 00:06:51,675 --> 00:06:55,365 Both. And I'm, I'm gonna say this, this straight out 185 00:06:55,365 --> 00:06:59,485 because listening to this, you know, I, I don't see any 186 00:07:00,155 --> 00:07:02,685 like glaring red flags Mm-Hmm. 187 00:07:02,715 --> 00:07:05,525 Jumping out in, in, in any of this. Mm-Hmm. 188 00:07:06,105 --> 00:07:09,285 And I, I think what we're really got here is, 189 00:07:09,385 --> 00:07:11,285 is just an incompatibility. 190 00:07:11,985 --> 00:07:13,165 Yes. Okay. Yes. 191 00:07:13,195 --> 00:07:16,085 Because, you know, let, let's face it, 192 00:07:16,085 --> 00:07:18,205 and we talked about this in earlier episodes about 193 00:07:18,315 --> 00:07:19,365 hierarchy of needs. 194 00:07:19,365 --> 00:07:20,685 Mm-Hmm. in kink. Mm-Hmm. 195 00:07:20,725 --> 00:07:21,725 - , I'll link to that in the 196 00:07:21,725 --> 00:07:23,005 Mm-Hmm. in the show 197 00:07:23,225 --> 00:07:25,765 - And places, you know, to, to this person. 198 00:07:25,985 --> 00:07:28,605 It sounds like aftercare is something 199 00:07:28,605 --> 00:07:30,285 that's very important to them. Oh, 200 00:07:30,285 --> 00:07:31,565 - Yeah. I think that's very clear. 201 00:07:31,565 --> 00:07:33,965 - Yeah, for sure. I mean, it, it, it's very clear that, 202 00:07:33,965 --> 00:07:37,365 that this person, you know, states that, you know, 203 00:07:37,435 --> 00:07:41,005 aftercare is needed or at least in some, into some depth. 204 00:07:41,255 --> 00:07:44,125 Right. Okay. Um, more than a couple minutes. Mm-Hmm. 205 00:07:44,165 --> 00:07:46,965 . And, and to him aftercare 206 00:07:47,585 --> 00:07:48,805 is not that big of a deal. 207 00:07:48,985 --> 00:07:50,325 - And I thought it was a little telling 208 00:07:50,355 --> 00:07:53,045 that there was a little bit of a whiny rant about 209 00:07:53,145 --> 00:07:55,685 how people expect aftercare from him 210 00:07:55,705 --> 00:07:57,725 and just put it on him like he's supposed to do it, 211 00:07:57,745 --> 00:07:59,245 but what about how he feels? 212 00:07:59,465 --> 00:08:00,925 And it's a, yeah. Look, 213 00:08:02,205 --> 00:08:03,725 - I know, I know that 214 00:08:03,885 --> 00:08:05,725 - I, that I don't consider that a red flag. 215 00:08:06,045 --> 00:08:09,565 I do consider that a Oh, you clearly have some feelings here 216 00:08:09,565 --> 00:08:11,925 that you haven't talked about with somebody at 217 00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:12,925 - Some book. 218 00:08:12,925 --> 00:08:13,325 Yeah. Or, or, or some kind 219 00:08:13,325 --> 00:08:14,925 of misconception of what Yeah. What 220 00:08:14,925 --> 00:08:15,925 - Aftercare is. Yeah, yeah. 221 00:08:15,925 --> 00:08:17,685 - Yeah. So, you know, yeah. 222 00:08:17,695 --> 00:08:20,045 There, there, there is a lot going on 223 00:08:20,065 --> 00:08:22,405 and I, you know, he does tell this person 224 00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:25,045 that they are not his priority. 225 00:08:25,635 --> 00:08:28,165 - Yeah. That's, that can't be easy to 226 00:08:28,235 --> 00:08:29,005 - Hear. No. 227 00:08:29,145 --> 00:08:31,525 - And it's, and they, they didn't say that, 228 00:08:31,835 --> 00:08:33,685 that he said they weren't the priority. 229 00:08:33,925 --> 00:08:35,925 I think they just know based on whatever. Yeah. 230 00:08:35,925 --> 00:08:38,245 And maybe they did say it, but to they, 231 00:08:39,165 --> 00:08:40,525 I guess he was being honest when he said 232 00:08:40,525 --> 00:08:41,885 that they hadn't developed 233 00:08:42,405 --> 00:08:43,565 - A deeper connect, deeper connection. 234 00:08:44,565 --> 00:08:46,965 - Yeah. No. The submissive states at the very beginning, 235 00:08:47,245 --> 00:08:48,845 I am not his priority, but they never 236 00:08:48,865 --> 00:08:49,865 - Say. 237 00:08:49,865 --> 00:08:51,445 Yeah, that's true. He told me, said that told Yeah, you're 238 00:08:51,445 --> 00:08:52,445 - Right. 239 00:08:52,445 --> 00:08:55,005 Either they've gleaned that or maybe he has told them. Yeah. 240 00:08:55,085 --> 00:08:56,525 But either way, they Mm-Hmm. 241 00:08:56,565 --> 00:08:59,445 , regardless of how what he has said to them, 242 00:08:59,635 --> 00:09:02,085 they are walking away with I am not his priority. 243 00:09:02,085 --> 00:09:04,845 Yeah. And I feel like that's kind of coming through 244 00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:05,845 - Here. 245 00:09:05,845 --> 00:09:07,125 It it is, it is definitely coming through. 246 00:09:07,465 --> 00:09:10,565 Um, you know, it's, it, it can be tough 247 00:09:11,995 --> 00:09:14,685 balancing multiple relationships 248 00:09:14,825 --> 00:09:16,125 - As a practicing poly dom. 249 00:09:16,125 --> 00:09:17,205 You kind of know . 250 00:09:17,475 --> 00:09:19,725 - Yeah. Um, it, it is, it is tough. 251 00:09:20,345 --> 00:09:24,525 Um, you know, we have a, a sort 252 00:09:24,525 --> 00:09:26,165 of a unique situation. 253 00:09:26,165 --> 00:09:29,125 Mm-Hmm. as far as you and I, we are married. 254 00:09:29,505 --> 00:09:31,245 You and my baby girl, submissive . 255 00:09:34,625 --> 00:09:38,405 You are my business partner in multiple 256 00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:39,845 mm-Hmm. Ventures. 257 00:09:40,065 --> 00:09:41,405 - We take care of a family together. 258 00:09:41,505 --> 00:09:43,485 - We, we take care of a family and a home together. 259 00:09:43,615 --> 00:09:46,045 - Right. We are, as you know, we are as tight, as 260 00:09:46,045 --> 00:09:47,845 - Tight, be as interconnected as can be. 261 00:09:47,845 --> 00:09:51,285 Mm-Hmm. . And, you know, it's, it's hard 262 00:09:51,585 --> 00:09:53,005 to step away from those things. 263 00:09:53,185 --> 00:09:54,365 Mm-Hmm. . Okay. 264 00:09:55,305 --> 00:09:57,405 And, and yet when I go 265 00:09:58,145 --> 00:10:01,885 and see the person that I'm currently seeing, I try to 266 00:10:02,475 --> 00:10:04,925 make them the priority Right. 267 00:10:04,985 --> 00:10:06,445 For the time we have. Right. 268 00:10:06,825 --> 00:10:09,205 - And I do my part to let you do that. Mm-Hmm. 269 00:10:09,245 --> 00:10:11,085 like, short of an emergency, 270 00:10:11,345 --> 00:10:13,525 you're not gonna really hear from me. Right. 271 00:10:13,525 --> 00:10:15,885 - Unless, I mean, you, you, you even told me, he said, 272 00:10:16,065 --> 00:10:18,485 you know, if, if something major happens 273 00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:20,965 or somebody's sick or dying, you know? Right. 274 00:10:21,305 --> 00:10:23,245 - I'm gonna leave you alone outside of that. Yeah. Yeah. 275 00:10:23,585 --> 00:10:24,845 - So, you know 276 00:10:26,275 --> 00:10:29,125 - What, but that means that's, that means that when you're 277 00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:31,725 with your part, your other partner, you're like you said, 278 00:10:31,725 --> 00:10:33,005 you're making them the priority so 279 00:10:33,005 --> 00:10:35,325 that they feel like they have your attention. I 280 00:10:35,365 --> 00:10:37,245 - I try to do my best. You know, right now 281 00:10:37,445 --> 00:10:41,685 - I don't get any indication based on what's been said here. 282 00:10:41,705 --> 00:10:43,365 Mm-Hmm. . That that's not what they're doing. 283 00:10:43,885 --> 00:10:47,085 I think it's, I, the little bit I might glean from it is, 284 00:10:47,115 --> 00:10:48,405 okay, well, when we're, once we're done 285 00:10:48,405 --> 00:10:49,685 with like our kinky sex or whatever, 286 00:10:50,075 --> 00:10:51,165 he's kind of ready to move on. 287 00:10:51,165 --> 00:10:52,725 Mm-Hmm. . Well then my question is, move on to 288 00:10:52,725 --> 00:10:55,125 what, move on to other activities with this partner 289 00:10:55,225 --> 00:10:57,805 or move on with the rest of his life and leave and be done. 290 00:10:57,935 --> 00:11:01,405 Right. And I think that the, the answer to that 291 00:11:02,725 --> 00:11:04,965 determines the connection 292 00:11:05,185 --> 00:11:07,045 and the prioritizing and all of that. 293 00:11:07,045 --> 00:11:08,325 Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . 294 00:11:08,325 --> 00:11:11,365 Um, ultimately, ultimately this is a serious 295 00:11:11,365 --> 00:11:13,805 failure of communication. Oh, yeah. So 296 00:11:14,645 --> 00:11:15,645 - Absolutely. 297 00:11:15,645 --> 00:11:17,765 - I, it, I take from here, they have tried 298 00:11:17,765 --> 00:11:19,125 to have conversations about aftercare, 299 00:11:19,265 --> 00:11:20,605 but I don't know that those 300 00:11:20,605 --> 00:11:22,125 conversations were very detailed. 301 00:11:22,125 --> 00:11:24,645 Mm-Hmm. This is exactly what I would like, 302 00:11:24,795 --> 00:11:26,165 this is what I'm looking for. 303 00:11:26,195 --> 00:11:27,805 This is what aftercare means to me. 304 00:11:28,345 --> 00:11:31,325 You know, talking about it beforehand, well in advance. 305 00:11:31,385 --> 00:11:35,485 Having it sort of baked in so it's understood every time. 306 00:11:35,575 --> 00:11:37,325 Right. There needs to be aftercare. Mm-Hmm. 307 00:11:37,365 --> 00:11:38,565 , did that conversation 308 00:11:38,595 --> 00:11:39,605 ever actually take place? 309 00:11:40,625 --> 00:11:42,365 - It does not sound like it. It does not. 310 00:11:42,585 --> 00:11:45,325 And, and it also sounds like what 311 00:11:45,985 --> 00:11:50,525 has been talked about there, there is no, you know, the, 312 00:11:50,865 --> 00:11:54,165 the submissive has an idea of what aftercare should be. 313 00:11:54,345 --> 00:11:56,125 The big D has an idea of 314 00:11:56,125 --> 00:11:58,645 what aftercare is to them and also doesn't 315 00:11:58,645 --> 00:11:59,805 - Seem to enjoy it anyway. 316 00:11:59,855 --> 00:12:02,125 Right. And how he has his feelings about it. 317 00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:03,405 - And not everybody does. 318 00:12:03,745 --> 00:12:07,605 - No, but the thing is, is aftercare is aftercare should 319 00:12:07,625 --> 00:12:08,965 to me, can and should be 320 00:12:09,165 --> 00:12:10,645 provided by both sides of the slash Right. 321 00:12:10,645 --> 00:12:13,725 Sure. What that looks like is different in every situation. 322 00:12:13,725 --> 00:12:14,725 Mm-Hmm. And for everybody Mm-Hmm. 323 00:12:14,725 --> 00:12:16,445 Because it's uniquely personal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 324 00:12:16,625 --> 00:12:20,005 But aftercare provided by the dom to the submissive, 325 00:12:20,295 --> 00:12:23,045 especially when there's been a power exchange or Mm-Hmm. 326 00:12:23,085 --> 00:12:24,805 , their submissive has been on the receiving 327 00:12:24,825 --> 00:12:28,005 end of kinky Acts is one to kind of help them come back 328 00:12:28,005 --> 00:12:30,205 to the headspace, but two, to make sure 329 00:12:30,595 --> 00:12:32,285 that they are healthy and good and Right. 330 00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:34,205 It is not, it can be, 331 00:12:34,305 --> 00:12:37,005 but it is not just for Give me a quick cuddle Yeah. 332 00:12:37,005 --> 00:12:39,045 And let me know I'm cared for. It's Mm-Hmm. 333 00:12:39,085 --> 00:12:40,205 , it's, lemme make sure you're 334 00:12:40,205 --> 00:12:41,365 fucking okay here. 335 00:12:41,365 --> 00:12:42,965 Okay. Yeah. And so for the dom to kind of go, 336 00:12:42,965 --> 00:12:44,085 well, I don't really care about aftercare. 337 00:12:44,085 --> 00:12:45,725 Well, you don't care about making sure you're Mr. 338 00:12:45,845 --> 00:12:47,005 A partner is doing okay. 339 00:12:47,305 --> 00:12:50,565 - And, and the thing is, for some people too, you know, 340 00:12:50,915 --> 00:12:53,565 they, they may be fine right after a scene Mm-Hmm. 341 00:12:53,605 --> 00:12:55,285 and then a day or two later right. 342 00:12:55,385 --> 00:12:56,765 Is when they, they will drop. 343 00:12:57,305 --> 00:13:01,165 Now to, to me, the, the glaring thing in this too is 344 00:13:01,165 --> 00:13:02,725 that they are not, you know, 345 00:13:02,855 --> 00:13:05,405 aside from the glaring incompatibility. Yeah. 346 00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:06,925 - I think they're very incompatible. The, 347 00:13:06,925 --> 00:13:09,325 - The, the only other thing that, you know, 348 00:13:09,325 --> 00:13:13,325 could possibly rectify this to, to a certain extent 349 00:13:14,025 --> 00:13:16,805 is the fact that no one's willing to compromise. 350 00:13:17,545 --> 00:13:18,965 It seems, and I, to 351 00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:20,845 - To to kind of, it, it does not, I don't, 352 00:13:20,885 --> 00:13:22,245 I don't see any discussion happening. 353 00:13:22,395 --> 00:13:23,525 Okay. How do we meet in the middle 354 00:13:23,825 --> 00:13:25,045 so everybody gets what they need. 355 00:13:25,435 --> 00:13:29,685 Yeah. Um, the other thing that I, 356 00:13:30,005 --> 00:13:31,885 I empathize with the submissive. 357 00:13:31,885 --> 00:13:32,965 They don't wanna speak up 358 00:13:32,965 --> 00:13:34,325 because they don't wanna be an annoyance. 359 00:13:34,325 --> 00:13:35,885 Mm-Hmm. . Well, my first question is, is that 360 00:13:35,885 --> 00:13:38,205 because your dominant partner is making you feel 361 00:13:38,205 --> 00:13:39,285 like you are ? 362 00:13:39,345 --> 00:13:41,165 Or is this something you've internalized 363 00:13:41,165 --> 00:13:42,405 from past relationships? 364 00:13:42,405 --> 00:13:44,205 What you think a submissive is supposed to be? 365 00:13:44,505 --> 00:13:47,245 You know Mm-Hmm. just who you are 366 00:13:47,305 --> 00:13:48,765 and what you've experienced in life. 367 00:13:49,025 --> 00:13:51,325 So that's the first thing. The, the dominant seems 368 00:13:51,325 --> 00:13:54,725 to be saying, I need clear, concise communication. 369 00:13:54,725 --> 00:13:57,445 Right. And the submissive isn't there yet. Now. Mm-Hmm. 370 00:13:57,485 --> 00:14:00,965 , I think it is an individual's responsibility 371 00:14:00,985 --> 00:14:03,845 to learn what you can about communication skills Sure. 372 00:14:03,905 --> 00:14:05,285 And improving your own skills. Mm-Hmm. . 373 00:14:05,285 --> 00:14:07,805 But also the only way we really improve is to practice. 374 00:14:07,875 --> 00:14:09,885 Exactly. And so this person, 375 00:14:09,985 --> 00:14:11,445 the submissive needs to gain those skills. 376 00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:12,845 They need to work, work on those skills, but 377 00:14:12,845 --> 00:14:14,485 that dominant needs to be willing to go, okay, 378 00:14:14,525 --> 00:14:15,605 I see you're struggling here. 379 00:14:15,905 --> 00:14:17,405 How can I help you? Let me ask some 380 00:14:17,605 --> 00:14:18,605 - Questions. 381 00:14:18,605 --> 00:14:20,205 Let me curious about what you're trying to tell exactly. 382 00:14:20,205 --> 00:14:23,205 Because as, as the dominant in in the relationship, 383 00:14:23,545 --> 00:14:26,485 you are the one who technically takes the lead. Right? 384 00:14:26,485 --> 00:14:28,005 - You're leading, you have control and power. 385 00:14:28,065 --> 00:14:31,245 - You're leading, you have, you've negotiated the, the power 386 00:14:31,425 --> 00:14:33,445 and, and you know, whatever else you have. 387 00:14:33,985 --> 00:14:35,045 And you know, 388 00:14:35,265 --> 00:14:38,165 you had trouble communicating in the beginning. Right. 389 00:14:38,165 --> 00:14:39,205 - So we found workarounds, 390 00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:41,085 - We, we found workarounds and, 391 00:14:41,145 --> 00:14:44,045 and I made it comfortable for you Right. To want to 392 00:14:44,285 --> 00:14:45,285 - Communicate. 393 00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:46,685 And if I was not telling you something directly, this 394 00:14:46,685 --> 00:14:49,365 to me is, is a top tip for all dominance out there 395 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:53,445 with a submissive who struggles to communicate. 396 00:14:53,665 --> 00:14:57,445 You would just ask direct questions. Yeah. You got curious. 397 00:14:57,755 --> 00:15:00,405 Like, I'm not, and maybe it's, maybe it's 398 00:15:00,405 --> 00:15:02,165 because the con quote connection is not there. 399 00:15:02,165 --> 00:15:04,205 Maybe it's because he's not making this a 400 00:15:04,205 --> 00:15:05,525 partner a priority, whatever it is. 401 00:15:05,525 --> 00:15:07,765 Mm-Hmm. , I am not getting that this 402 00:15:08,365 --> 00:15:11,605 dominant partner is curious enough to say, 403 00:15:12,555 --> 00:15:14,125 what do you need from aftercare? 404 00:15:14,625 --> 00:15:16,525 How are you feeling? Right. 405 00:15:16,785 --> 00:15:18,965 - And that, and I think that dips back 406 00:15:19,025 --> 00:15:20,445 to her not feeling like a 407 00:15:20,685 --> 00:15:21,685 - Priority. 408 00:15:21,685 --> 00:15:22,365 Them we don't know of them. Yeah. Right. 409 00:15:22,865 --> 00:15:25,805 Um, one thing that kind of struck me, 410 00:15:25,865 --> 00:15:30,765 and I, I, I want, I want to be kind and considerate 411 00:15:30,765 --> 00:15:33,245 and empathetic to the submissive 412 00:15:33,245 --> 00:15:34,365 who has clearly struggled here. 413 00:15:34,365 --> 00:15:37,405 Mm-Hmm. , I want to push back a bit on my 414 00:15:37,405 --> 00:15:40,005 partner should not expect me to be assertive 415 00:15:40,175 --> 00:15:42,005 after I've been in the submissive head space. 416 00:15:43,475 --> 00:15:46,645 Everybody has their own way and personality. Mm-Hmm. 417 00:15:46,685 --> 00:15:48,525 and, and how submission affects them. 418 00:15:48,625 --> 00:15:52,605 And so it is entirely possible 419 00:15:52,915 --> 00:15:54,405 that it takes you a hot minute 420 00:15:54,405 --> 00:15:55,885 to come out of submissive headspace. 421 00:15:56,065 --> 00:15:58,205 And maybe that's part of how, what aftercare needs 422 00:15:58,205 --> 00:15:59,365 to be to let you do that. 423 00:15:59,865 --> 00:16:03,645 But it is not a partner's responsibility 424 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,365 to expect you that you will 425 00:16:06,365 --> 00:16:07,845 or will not speak up about your own needs. 426 00:16:07,845 --> 00:16:10,445 Mm-Hmm. if, you know, you struggle with that, 427 00:16:10,585 --> 00:16:12,005 if you know that after a scene 428 00:16:12,025 --> 00:16:14,165 or some kinky sex where you were really feeling your 429 00:16:14,165 --> 00:16:16,405 submissive self, that it takes you a minute to kind 430 00:16:16,405 --> 00:16:18,765 of come back and go, okay, I can assert myself, 431 00:16:19,125 --> 00:16:20,325 I can speak on my behalf. 432 00:16:20,335 --> 00:16:22,685 Right. That has to be part of the discussion of, Hey, 433 00:16:23,445 --> 00:16:25,765 I need this aftercare to get me into that. 434 00:16:25,905 --> 00:16:27,765 And you, and some of this stuff you can't discuss 435 00:16:27,765 --> 00:16:29,125 until you learn it about yourself. 436 00:16:29,125 --> 00:16:33,005 Right. But in this e very long email that came through, 437 00:16:33,155 --> 00:16:35,405 they said, well, he should just know 438 00:16:35,405 --> 00:16:36,485 that I'm not gonna be assertive. 439 00:16:36,585 --> 00:16:40,165 No, no, no, no, no. Mm-Hmm. Once you figure that out about 440 00:16:40,685 --> 00:16:43,125 yourself and you realize you're still not getting 441 00:16:43,125 --> 00:16:45,045 what you need or you're not feeling heard 442 00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:48,725 and seen, then it is your responsibility as the submissive 443 00:16:48,725 --> 00:16:50,885 to go, Hey, here's what I'm learning about myself. 444 00:16:51,105 --> 00:16:53,005 And of course, you have to do it outside of the scene 445 00:16:53,005 --> 00:16:54,605 and outside of the moment because you have 446 00:16:54,605 --> 00:16:56,765 to wait till you're coming back to yourself. 447 00:16:57,685 --> 00:17:01,125 I can't be as straightforward 448 00:17:01,665 --> 00:17:05,165 and assertive as you need me to be, to make decisions. 449 00:17:05,255 --> 00:17:09,165 Right. I can't do that in, in a few minutes. I, I'm mm-Hmm. 450 00:17:09,205 --> 00:17:10,765 , whether it's your wiring 451 00:17:10,785 --> 00:17:13,405 or it's the headspace, I need some time 452 00:17:13,665 --> 00:17:14,765 to come back to myself. 453 00:17:14,915 --> 00:17:16,325 Sure. It sounds like 454 00:17:17,205 --> 00:17:19,325 I really feel like these two people are like 455 00:17:20,025 --> 00:17:21,045 at cross purposes. 456 00:17:21,155 --> 00:17:24,125 They are, they're on the different sides of the slash 457 00:17:24,145 --> 00:17:25,885 but they are not on the same path towards 458 00:17:25,905 --> 00:17:26,905 - One another. 459 00:17:26,905 --> 00:17:29,325 - No. You know, he seems to want a very specific type 460 00:17:29,325 --> 00:17:32,165 of person, has very specific types of expectations 461 00:17:32,545 --> 00:17:35,365 and is not seeming to work 462 00:17:35,515 --> 00:17:40,445 with this his submissive partner on getting them to 463 00:17:40,515 --> 00:17:43,445 that point where his expectations can 464 00:17:43,745 --> 00:17:44,885 get closer to being met. 465 00:17:44,885 --> 00:17:46,405 Mm-Hmm. at the same time. 466 00:17:47,055 --> 00:17:48,725 Maybe it's because they're a new submissive. 467 00:17:49,125 --> 00:17:51,605 I would definitely say as they admit towards the end, they 468 00:17:52,165 --> 00:17:53,285 struggle to communicate. 469 00:17:53,875 --> 00:17:57,285 They are not being clear with their dominant partner. 470 00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:58,805 Mm-Hmm. , it's a, I don't, 471 00:17:58,925 --> 00:18:00,525 I don't have a problem that they 472 00:18:01,425 --> 00:18:03,085 got away from the situation, went home, 473 00:18:03,475 --> 00:18:07,205 thought about the conversation that took place and Mm-Hmm. 474 00:18:07,245 --> 00:18:08,325 sent off an angry text. 475 00:18:08,405 --> 00:18:09,965 I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Yeah. 476 00:18:10,245 --> 00:18:13,165 I think that that's pretty common for people who, especially 477 00:18:13,165 --> 00:18:15,925 for people who struggle to communicate clearly in the moment 478 00:18:16,115 --> 00:18:18,525 because you're having to deal with all 479 00:18:18,525 --> 00:18:20,565 of the stimuli coming at you from this conversation. 480 00:18:20,565 --> 00:18:21,645 What do I actually think? And 481 00:18:21,685 --> 00:18:22,765 I don't know, and that sounds good. 482 00:18:22,945 --> 00:18:25,285 And then you get away where you can be kind of quiet 483 00:18:25,345 --> 00:18:27,485 and with your own thoughts and then you think through it 484 00:18:27,485 --> 00:18:28,965 and you go, what the hell? 485 00:18:29,065 --> 00:18:30,605 No, I'm not okay with that. Mm-Hmm. . 486 00:18:30,825 --> 00:18:34,365 And we as individuals on any side of any slash get 487 00:18:34,365 --> 00:18:35,805 to come back to a conversation 488 00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:37,605 and say, you know, we talked about that thing 489 00:18:38,025 --> 00:18:39,485 and in the moment, yeah, I know what I said. 490 00:18:39,485 --> 00:18:40,485 I should not have said that. Here's 491 00:18:40,485 --> 00:18:41,685 how I'm feeling right now. 492 00:18:42,395 --> 00:18:46,925 Upon further reflection, we all get that ability, everybody. 493 00:18:46,975 --> 00:18:49,325 Right. So taking that opportunity 494 00:18:49,985 --> 00:18:52,605 and saying how you felt once you had time to sort 495 00:18:52,605 --> 00:18:55,245 of process, you're not wrong for that at all. 496 00:18:55,865 --> 00:18:58,165 Um, but I do think that the lessons need 497 00:18:58,165 --> 00:19:02,205 to start being learned here about what is 498 00:19:02,785 --> 00:19:04,765 the submissive partner's responsibilities, 499 00:19:05,315 --> 00:19:07,365 what is the dominant partner's responsibilities? 500 00:19:07,425 --> 00:19:11,485 And I think some are a little bit of, I hate to say this 501 00:19:11,645 --> 00:19:13,005 'cause it means people have 502 00:19:13,005 --> 00:19:14,205 to assume things and I don't like that. 503 00:19:14,205 --> 00:19:16,485 But some things are kind of a given aftercare 504 00:19:16,545 --> 00:19:20,205 for a submissive partner is the dom's responsibility 505 00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:23,325 to provide because the submissive partner was on the 506 00:19:23,325 --> 00:19:25,365 receiving end of some shit . 507 00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:28,605 So that aftercare needs to be within the boundaries 508 00:19:28,605 --> 00:19:29,685 of the dominant partner, 509 00:19:30,065 --> 00:19:32,005 but needs to be focused on the submissive 510 00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,045 and what they need to get themselves back to 511 00:19:34,045 --> 00:19:35,285 where they can function again. 512 00:19:35,285 --> 00:19:36,445 Mm-Hmm. , that does not mean 513 00:19:36,445 --> 00:19:38,965 that a dominant partner does not deserve aftercare. 514 00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:42,365 It does mean that that aftercare either will not come from 515 00:19:42,365 --> 00:19:44,525 that submissive or cannot come from that submissive 516 00:19:44,775 --> 00:19:47,085 until they're able to function again. 517 00:19:47,085 --> 00:19:50,125 Mm-Hmm. , depending on what their needs are 518 00:19:50,505 --> 00:19:53,765 for aftercare, I think that, you know, 519 00:19:53,985 --> 00:19:56,525 the most telling part is this person knows they're not a 520 00:19:56,845 --> 00:19:58,205 priority and their do is said 521 00:19:58,205 --> 00:20:01,125 after a year, well, we don't have that connection. 522 00:20:01,125 --> 00:20:02,565 Mm-Hmm. . Well when the fuck are you gonna 523 00:20:02,565 --> 00:20:03,685 develop that connection? 524 00:20:03,685 --> 00:20:04,685 Yeah. After a year. 525 00:20:05,325 --> 00:20:07,405 I feel like the answer's there now 526 00:20:07,625 --> 00:20:08,725 for the submissive partner, 527 00:20:08,915 --> 00:20:11,165 they hit the nail on the head about kind of 528 00:20:11,165 --> 00:20:12,365 what works for them. 529 00:20:12,905 --> 00:20:16,285 And if they wanted to continue with this dominant partner, 530 00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:18,685 this is the conversation they said, 531 00:20:19,125 --> 00:20:21,045 I am communicating better in writing. 532 00:20:21,865 --> 00:20:23,845 Mm-Hmm. , then you need to use writing. Right. 533 00:20:23,975 --> 00:20:26,045 Until you, maybe you never can, 534 00:20:26,105 --> 00:20:27,485 but until you get to a point 535 00:20:27,615 --> 00:20:29,645 where your communication skills allow you 536 00:20:29,665 --> 00:20:31,485 to verbalize it in some way Mm-Hmm. 537 00:20:31,525 --> 00:20:33,125 use other methods. Right. 538 00:20:33,125 --> 00:20:36,885 And your dominant partner who wants that clear communication 539 00:20:37,305 --> 00:20:40,645 to me, ought to be willing to go, this is what you need, 540 00:20:40,915 --> 00:20:42,245 this is what will get me the clear 541 00:20:42,485 --> 00:20:43,645 communication that I require. 542 00:20:44,145 --> 00:20:45,765 Go for it. Mm-Hmm. , let's do it that way. 543 00:20:46,275 --> 00:20:48,125 It's a valid form of communication 544 00:20:48,225 --> 00:20:50,205 and for some people it's, it's gonna be easier. 545 00:20:51,085 --> 00:20:52,245 I still to this day, 546 00:20:52,245 --> 00:20:53,965 after all these years, way 547 00:20:53,965 --> 00:20:55,045 better at writing out my thoughts. 548 00:20:55,065 --> 00:20:56,325 Oh yeah. Because I can edit 549 00:20:56,385 --> 00:20:58,485 and I can make sure I'm saying what I actually mean 550 00:20:58,705 --> 00:21:02,365 and I can organize my thoughts and I can go over it 85 times 551 00:21:02,625 --> 00:21:04,645 before I hit send or hit print 552 00:21:04,745 --> 00:21:07,365 or hand you the piece of paper, two 553 00:21:07,365 --> 00:21:10,685 or three of them double-sided with my loopy handwriting. 554 00:21:10,755 --> 00:21:12,525 Like whatever. It's 555 00:21:12,535 --> 00:21:13,535 - Right. 556 00:21:13,535 --> 00:21:16,445 - , that's a valid form. Yeah. I'm with you. 557 00:21:16,685 --> 00:21:19,285 I don't think anybody here is displaying a single 558 00:21:19,395 --> 00:21:20,645 like true red flag. 559 00:21:20,645 --> 00:21:22,365 Mm-Hmm. . I think other people could, you know, 560 00:21:22,365 --> 00:21:23,525 reasonable people could disagree 561 00:21:23,535 --> 00:21:25,005 based on your own experiences. 562 00:21:25,005 --> 00:21:26,445 Mm-Hmm. . But based on 563 00:21:26,445 --> 00:21:29,805 how it's being described, I think these are two sters 564 00:21:30,025 --> 00:21:32,365 who are at different points in their kink life 565 00:21:32,865 --> 00:21:36,725 and there's not enough binding them together Right. 566 00:21:37,225 --> 00:21:40,965 For them to figure out how to meet each other, 567 00:21:41,375 --> 00:21:42,845 where the other is at. 568 00:21:42,845 --> 00:21:44,925 Mm-Hmm. like to me, a dominant 569 00:21:45,145 --> 00:21:46,925 who really wants to be with that submissive Mm-Hmm. 570 00:21:46,965 --> 00:21:47,925 and is like really invested 571 00:21:47,925 --> 00:21:48,885 in that relationship. They're, 572 00:21:48,885 --> 00:21:50,245 - They're gonna put the effort into it. Yeah. 573 00:21:50,305 --> 00:21:51,685 - And they're gonna be like, look, I know you 574 00:21:51,685 --> 00:21:52,885 don't have the skills yet, right? 575 00:21:52,885 --> 00:21:54,285 Mm-Hmm. , I'm gonna keep that in mind. 576 00:21:54,445 --> 00:21:57,565 I might even help you develop those skills. Right? Mm-Hmm. 577 00:21:57,605 --> 00:21:58,645 , I'm gonna work within 578 00:21:58,995 --> 00:22:00,445 your communication style. 579 00:22:00,625 --> 00:22:02,925 I'm gonna ask more fucking questions. 580 00:22:03,265 --> 00:22:04,325 I'm gonna get curious 581 00:22:04,325 --> 00:22:06,765 because I know you don't have these skills yet. 582 00:22:06,765 --> 00:22:10,325 Yeah. At the same time, the submissive has 583 00:22:10,325 --> 00:22:13,045 to take the responsibility to learn those things has 584 00:22:13,105 --> 00:22:14,405 to, you know, realize. 585 00:22:14,405 --> 00:22:15,645 And some of this just comes with time 586 00:22:15,665 --> 00:22:16,885 and experience that Mm-Hmm. 587 00:22:16,925 --> 00:22:19,405 , you know, uh, communicating your wants 588 00:22:19,425 --> 00:22:21,245 and needs is not you being annoying. 589 00:22:21,505 --> 00:22:23,125 No. Saying you don't like something 590 00:22:23,125 --> 00:22:25,485 that your dominant did is not being annoying. 591 00:22:25,905 --> 00:22:28,725 The question I have on that line somewhere in here 592 00:22:28,895 --> 00:22:30,725 where they were like, I worried about being annoying. 593 00:22:31,465 --> 00:22:33,725 The question, the follow up question I would have is, is 594 00:22:33,725 --> 00:22:35,005 that because that's the vibe 595 00:22:35,005 --> 00:22:36,125 you're getting from your partner? 596 00:22:36,225 --> 00:22:39,005 Mm-Hmm. or is that some insecurity you have 597 00:22:39,105 --> 00:22:42,725 for outside of this relationship and you worry about that? 598 00:22:42,745 --> 00:22:45,085 Mm-Hmm. , those are two separate things. Sure. 599 00:22:45,085 --> 00:22:47,285 Because one, you just get the practice 600 00:22:47,285 --> 00:22:51,645 and you, you have a partner who you know, you feel safe with 601 00:22:51,645 --> 00:22:52,645 and you learn to trust and 602 00:22:52,645 --> 00:22:54,205 so then you kind of overcome that. 603 00:22:54,345 --> 00:22:57,445 Or you have a partner who makes you feel like an annoyance. 604 00:22:57,665 --> 00:22:59,085 And to me, that's all the 605 00:22:59,085 --> 00:23:00,405 information you need at that point. 606 00:23:00,405 --> 00:23:02,085 - Mm-Hmm. - . Yep. What are you doing in this 607 00:23:02,085 --> 00:23:05,045 relationship with a partner who treats you like your wants 608 00:23:05,045 --> 00:23:06,085 and needs are annoying. 609 00:23:06,235 --> 00:23:08,285 Yeah. It doesn't make them a bad person. 610 00:23:08,385 --> 00:23:12,805 It makes you fundamentally incompatible. So Yeah. 611 00:23:13,185 --> 00:23:16,365 I'm, if I were telling this person should, 612 00:23:16,365 --> 00:23:17,365 should you even try? 613 00:23:17,625 --> 00:23:20,645 Mm-Hmm. , I mean, it's easy to be on the 614 00:23:20,645 --> 00:23:22,325 outside and go I why? 615 00:23:22,675 --> 00:23:25,845 Yeah. But Yeah. You know, it's, 616 00:23:26,765 --> 00:23:28,805 - I mean the thing is, you know, if, if they 617 00:23:29,345 --> 00:23:30,965 really do wanna try Mm-Hmm. 618 00:23:31,005 --> 00:23:32,725 and say they put their all into it. Mm-Hmm. 619 00:23:32,805 --> 00:23:35,485 , um, you know, that's fine. 620 00:23:35,485 --> 00:23:38,005 There's nothing wrong with that. And a lot of people need 621 00:23:38,005 --> 00:23:40,445 that to know that they have done everything they can. 622 00:23:40,445 --> 00:23:41,765 Right. Absolutely. You know, 623 00:23:41,765 --> 00:23:44,685 before they can, you know, break away from a situation. 624 00:23:45,145 --> 00:23:47,645 So, you know, that being said, if this is really something 625 00:23:47,645 --> 00:23:50,485 that you want to try to continue with this person, you need 626 00:23:50,485 --> 00:23:51,525 to work on the communication. 627 00:23:51,525 --> 00:23:53,045 Mm-Hmm. . Okay. Absolutely. 628 00:23:53,245 --> 00:23:55,405 Communication, um, you know, text, 629 00:23:56,905 --> 00:23:58,045 - You can't tell tone - From text. 630 00:23:58,105 --> 00:24:01,005 You can't tell tone and, and, and you know, in, um, 631 00:24:01,355 --> 00:24:03,245 - Intention, - Intention inflection. 632 00:24:03,545 --> 00:24:05,725 Mm-Hmm. type of thing from, from text, 633 00:24:06,025 --> 00:24:08,525 you know, email a little better, you know, 634 00:24:08,525 --> 00:24:09,725 because you can Right. 635 00:24:09,825 --> 00:24:11,805 You, you have enough space to 636 00:24:12,035 --> 00:24:13,035 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, - Yeah. 637 00:24:13,035 --> 00:24:14,405 Express yourself per se. 638 00:24:15,065 --> 00:24:17,125 So, you know, there, there needs 639 00:24:17,125 --> 00:24:19,485 to be definite communication. 640 00:24:20,305 --> 00:24:25,045 Um, and from, from everything that I've heard in all this, 641 00:24:25,215 --> 00:24:26,845 there needs to be some meeting in the middle. 642 00:24:27,115 --> 00:24:29,805 - Yeah. And there can't be assumptions on either side. No. 643 00:24:29,805 --> 00:24:32,765 There's no, assuming that this is fully a dominance 644 00:24:32,765 --> 00:24:35,045 responsibility, there are some things that Yes. 645 00:24:35,105 --> 00:24:36,445 It, it falls under Mm-Hmm. 646 00:24:36,485 --> 00:24:38,005 the dom job description. 647 00:24:38,425 --> 00:24:40,925 But you as a submissive are still responsible 648 00:24:40,925 --> 00:24:43,085 for making sure that you advocate for yourself. 649 00:24:43,085 --> 00:24:46,045 Right. You speak up for yourself, you let your partner know, 650 00:24:46,105 --> 00:24:47,685 Hey, I didn't quite get what I needed. 651 00:24:48,185 --> 00:24:49,725 It doesn't mean you'll do it perfectly. 652 00:24:50,025 --> 00:24:52,325 It doesn't mean that the first couple times you might not be 653 00:24:52,395 --> 00:24:55,525 like, shaken in your boots and like nervous sweat 654 00:24:55,545 --> 00:24:57,605 and just like up to try to do it. 655 00:24:57,825 --> 00:25:00,325 Of course, of course it gets easier with time 656 00:25:00,325 --> 00:25:02,805 and with a partner who sort of encourages that, right? 657 00:25:02,805 --> 00:25:04,765 Yeah. But no, no, no. 658 00:25:04,765 --> 00:25:07,445 We do not walk around assuming a dominant just knows No. 659 00:25:07,765 --> 00:25:10,325 'cause you gave them three words. Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. One time. 660 00:25:10,465 --> 00:25:12,365 Mm-Hmm. But on the flip side, 661 00:25:12,625 --> 00:25:14,005 we do not walk around dominance. 662 00:25:14,065 --> 00:25:16,445 You do not walk around assuming that your partner just 663 00:25:16,615 --> 00:25:17,615 - Right. 664 00:25:17,615 --> 00:25:19,405 Whatever. I mean, you know, they, they did say in, 665 00:25:19,425 --> 00:25:20,965 in the question about how, you know, 666 00:25:20,965 --> 00:25:22,565 they know body language, you know, 667 00:25:22,685 --> 00:25:24,085 I know your body language too. 668 00:25:24,085 --> 00:25:25,085 Mm-Hmm. . But even 669 00:25:25,085 --> 00:25:26,565 that is not, it's not perfect. 670 00:25:26,665 --> 00:25:30,045 It, it, it's not perfect. You know, all it takes is, is 671 00:25:30,045 --> 00:25:31,045 to read something wrong. 672 00:25:31,145 --> 00:25:34,725 Mm-Hmm. . And, and you may have yourself in a, 673 00:25:34,825 --> 00:25:38,405 in, you know, some space you don't wanna be in. 674 00:25:38,405 --> 00:25:39,485 Right. Giant trouble. 675 00:25:39,865 --> 00:25:44,085 You know, it, it is better to say the thing 676 00:25:44,545 --> 00:25:46,245 - Better to over communicate at this point. 677 00:25:46,245 --> 00:25:50,005 Yeah. Yeah. There may come a time where you don't need that 678 00:25:50,105 --> 00:25:51,405 as much and Mm-Hmm. 679 00:25:51,445 --> 00:25:53,085 , some things do become understood 680 00:25:53,085 --> 00:25:55,405 as the shorthand of your relationship, 681 00:25:55,705 --> 00:25:57,365 and so you need to speak up when something 682 00:25:57,365 --> 00:25:58,485 is different than usual. 683 00:25:58,775 --> 00:26:00,005 Right. But you know, 684 00:26:00,145 --> 00:26:02,645 if you are this far into a power exchange 685 00:26:02,825 --> 00:26:06,445 and aftercare is still not happening at a level 686 00:26:06,515 --> 00:26:09,925 that you feel that you need to process 687 00:26:10,105 --> 00:26:13,645 and move on, then there's been a breakdown of communication, 688 00:26:13,645 --> 00:26:16,045 which based on what we've read, it feels like it. 689 00:26:16,045 --> 00:26:18,885 Right. And, and or 'cause both can be true. 690 00:26:19,485 --> 00:26:21,205 A total incompatibility. Yeah. 691 00:26:21,225 --> 00:26:24,885 And there's no point in continuing forward if, 692 00:26:24,885 --> 00:26:27,165 like you said, you can't find some middle ground to meet in. 693 00:26:27,185 --> 00:26:28,485 Mm-Hmm. like, yes, you struggle 694 00:26:28,485 --> 00:26:31,445 with communication and you Dom wants a certain 695 00:26:31,675 --> 00:26:32,725 type of communication. 696 00:26:32,755 --> 00:26:35,165 Well, if that's what they want from you, then to me, 697 00:26:35,165 --> 00:26:37,045 what they need to do is to help you get there. 698 00:26:37,095 --> 00:26:38,965 Right. Like, that's just, that's just how that 699 00:26:38,965 --> 00:26:39,965 - Works. 700 00:26:39,965 --> 00:26:40,525 And that, and that's kind of the thing. 701 00:26:40,605 --> 00:26:42,085 I mean, you know, with, with the dominant, 702 00:26:42,155 --> 00:26:44,445 once you take on the responsibility of a submissive, 703 00:26:44,705 --> 00:26:48,925 you know, you, you know it, it's not all about the fun 704 00:26:48,925 --> 00:26:49,925 and games the whole time. 705 00:26:49,935 --> 00:26:51,725 Right. You know, you, you are there 706 00:26:52,145 --> 00:26:53,885 to basically help each other. 707 00:26:54,265 --> 00:26:56,685 Yes. You know, grow and, and, and, and, 708 00:26:57,305 --> 00:26:58,645 - But as a dominant, if you have 709 00:26:59,205 --> 00:27:01,645 specific want things you want from a submissive partner 710 00:27:01,645 --> 00:27:03,405 that they are willing to give you Mm-Hmm. 711 00:27:03,445 --> 00:27:04,645 , then it is your job 712 00:27:04,785 --> 00:27:06,205 to help them get to that point. 713 00:27:06,225 --> 00:27:07,765 Yes. Like we're all adults here, 714 00:27:07,765 --> 00:27:09,645 and so a submissive partner needs to be the adult 715 00:27:09,645 --> 00:27:11,925 and go practice that or learn or get the resources 716 00:27:11,925 --> 00:27:13,125 or whatever, whatever, whatever. 717 00:27:13,135 --> 00:27:17,005 Right. Mm-Hmm. . But you dole dom have certain 718 00:27:17,445 --> 00:27:19,165 criteria you want your submissive to meet, 719 00:27:19,275 --> 00:27:21,165 then it is your job to help them do that. 720 00:27:21,165 --> 00:27:24,965 Yeah. Simple as that. Yep. So yeah, this was complicated. 721 00:27:25,405 --> 00:27:27,125 , uh, I don't think there are any 722 00:27:27,235 --> 00:27:28,525 easy or right answers. 723 00:27:28,825 --> 00:27:31,365 No, no. Um, but personally I don't. 724 00:27:31,405 --> 00:27:32,605 I think there's an incompatibility 725 00:27:32,605 --> 00:27:33,805 issue now. Yeah. That's just me. 726 00:27:34,355 --> 00:27:35,485 - Yeah. I agree. Mm-Hmm. , 727 00:27:35,745 --> 00:27:38,045 - Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. 728 00:27:38,145 --> 00:27:39,925 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 729 00:27:39,995 --> 00:27:43,125 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, 730 00:27:43,265 --> 00:27:44,925 or you can find the link in the show notes. 731 00:27:45,305 --> 00:27:47,325 Big thanks as always, to our kinky community over on 732 00:27:47,325 --> 00:27:50,205 Patreon, we're able to do this podcast and keep it going 733 00:27:50,205 --> 00:27:52,005 and help Sters due to your support. 734 00:27:52,385 --> 00:27:53,965 If you'd like to be part of our community 735 00:27:53,965 --> 00:27:55,325 and get access to extra content 736 00:27:55,425 --> 00:27:57,685 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 737 00:27:57,685 --> 00:27:59,245 super nice ks, you can do that. 738 00:27:59,435 --> 00:28:01,965 Just join us at patreon.com/kloss. 739 00:28:01,985 --> 00:28:06,005 That's patreon.com/klos, or use the link in the show notes.