- You are listening to Living BDSM podcast, episode 3 97.
We are so close to 400 Oh mm-Hmm. Kill alerts.
Who are the one, the only, the guy
who doesn't look like I had just punched him job around
- .
And I'm very grateful that I, you know, that I was swollen.
Oh. And, and it was starting to
move over to the other eye too. Yeah,
- We'll talk more about that in the bonus section, though.
That is not what we're here to talk about today.
We are here to talk about a thing we joke about.
I joke about there's jokes about
- A lot - How a person,
- It's always a joke - Named Kayla Lords
with serious control issues can also be a submissive.
Uh, it is possible. Uh, I am an example of it.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.
This is your first time listening. Glad to have you.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving BDSM is produced every Monday
and Friday for your kinky pleasure in education.
And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add the podcast
to your favorite podcast app.
You can also follow the show on FetLife at Loving BDSM PC on
Instagram and technically threads at that handle.
I will forever fucking hate loving Ds and the number one.
So that's at Loving DS one.
Or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving
bdsm, where you can watch us live.
Stream the podcast every Wednesday.
All links are in the show notes.
Big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon,
including our newest peeps, we're able
to do this weird thing on the internet in large part
because of them.
And we are grateful for every fucking one
of the people in our kink community.
If you'd like to join our kinky community
and get access to extra content
and a Discord server with a group of super cool,
super nice sters, you can do that.
Join us at patreon.com/kayla lords.
That's patreon.com/kayla lords,
or use the link in the show notes.
It is up to you when you click the magic button.
I await your pleasure, my dear darling Daddy.
Excuse me now, I might give you shit while I'm
awaiting Your pleasure.
My pleasure. All the pleasure. Mm-Hmm.
But I, it's, it's up to you. Poor podcast listeners.
You don't know that you were left there hanging
for a few extra seconds because JB is just
feeling himself today.
- feeling, feeling my oats today. .
- Yeah. Um, this is the part where I'm supposed to like,
be a responsible professional podcaster slash content
creator and say, here's our announcement
and here's the thing I want you to, but I, I ain't got it.
I've been meaning to add some products to our Etsy shop.
It hasn't happened. Um, we're not doing anything new
with the Kry right now.
It's like same old. We're stocked mostly, but
- We're, we're, we're, we're mostly, mostly
stocking the king. But
- There's nothing new and exciting to talk about.
Like, I, I got nothing. Well,
- I got nothing.
I, I will say over the past week we have added a lot
of stuff, or you have added a lot of stuff
to the wood dom Etsy shop. Yes.
- I just added four bowls
and a pore bowl with a lid. Yeah. Today.
- Yep. Pewter with a pewter lid. Yep. It's beautiful.
And, um, yeah, we've got a number of bowls, um,
put up on the site and, um, pens.
Lots of pens. So many pens.
So many pens that I had made and just Yeah.
And pencils. And, and
- Somebody promises me that his cutting boards,
- Those are gonna be next, will be available soon.
The cutting boards will be next. And, uh, you know. Yeah.
If you, you wanna take a peek, the wood dom.com,
- It doesn't still auto go to the Etsy shop.
Yep. If you go to Etsy, you just search
the wood dump hill shop there too.
- It, it goes directly to - The, it's supposed to. It
- Does.
I checked it. Okay, good. I checked it because
- If it doesn't, I gotta call - Somebody .
I, I, I, periodically I do go in and check that. Okay, good.
I make sure the re is working. Glad do. Yes.
- Oh, barely begun. And it's already chaotic. Okay.
So there you, we got it in .
That's, that's JB at his, at his, mm.
I don't know. I don't know how to describe that,
but that's JB at his fill in the blank.
Okay. So, um, a little bit like last week,
I actually do wanna try to stay on track
because this, um, what are you doing?
Oh, no. Okay.
He, sorry for podcast listeners, he,
Jamie got a very serious look on his face,
grabbed the mouse, started clicking around.
I'm like, what the fuck is happening?
- I, I saw an icon there that didn't belong.
That should not have been up. And it was, yeah. So,
- And since we've had tech issues
left, right, and center Exactly
- Today, - This week.
I get it. Okay. So I'm trying
to be like we were last week and stay organized.
Because while I do joke about this topic Mm-Hmm.
, I find it fascinating about myself. Sure.
And so I want to try and do it justice. Mm-Hmm.
and keep the chaos
to the outer parts of the episode.
the beginning and the end in front. Yeah. Okay.
So Yeah. Um, uh, here in our private home,
when there's no cameras and mics,
we joke about my control issues all the time.
Yes. Like, yes. Especially when jbs like, tell me
to do something and for like half a second, I forget
who I am here, .
- Um, - But
- It's a thing. Reminders,
- Right.
. It is one of those things where I am both sort
of simultaneously shocked
that I have with you.
Mm-Hmm. and only with you in life
feel like I have overcome some of that,
or I've put some of that to the side,
or it's not an issue as much.
And also shocked
that I am personally a very submissive person
with the right person who definitely has opinions on
how I think things ought to go in what is correct
and it's not.
Um, so yeah. It, it's, there's an irony there. Mm-Hmm.
. I know I'm not alone in this.
I know there are other people out there, um,
for the person who's gonna go,
but why aren't we talking about
Dom and their control issues?
Well, your control issues have to be tempered and,
and modified, but that's what makes you the dom.
So what are we Mm-Hmm. . I can have a
conversation about that, but that's not
the week's conversation. Okay.
- It's not what we're here for. Right, right. Right.
- - .
- So, um, for some people,
I don't think this really is a surprise
because of the stereotype.
Mm-Hmm. that, like a high powered CEO is
so often stereotypically cliche,
the submissive in a power exchange.
Right. Because that idea is, oh, they're high powered
and they have all this responsibility.
They just, they want somebody else to take the power.
And that is true. Those people absolutely exist.
- Yeah. Because one, once they get to a certain point
of their day, they're like, I,
I have had enough of this being in charge.
Let somebody else take the reins.
- There's too much going on. But that does a disservice
to everybody else who's not a high powered CEO
that also feels the same way.
Like we did the episode on decision fatigue. Mm-Hmm.
. And while that affects
anybody and everybody Yeah.
For me as a submissive,
the having decision fatigue over every other part
of my life, when I can let it go
and go here, daddy, you make the decisions, it's delightful.
I'm not a high power nothing. Right.
Like, you, anybody who wants somebody else
to take the control it there, you don't have to be
that per perceived high powered person.
Mm-Hmm. . And I think it does a disservice
to other people who are submissive or switch
and have a submissive side to them that
too many people think, oh, you're probably in charge
of a lot of things and that's why you submit.
Well, maybe Mm-Hmm.
But just being in charge of your own life
and trying to like survive.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. in the 21st
capitalistic society that we're in.
Any one of us might be like, please,
somebody take, take over, take
- The waves.
Do do you, do you think, um, um,
, um, that that is a, a stereotype?
- Oh, sure. It's absolutely a stereotype. Mm-Hmm.
stereotypes are that way
because there is truth there.
There are absolutely are those people.
But I was just a single mom who was exhausted.
I I didn't feel high powered at all. Mm.
And yet I can feel that way
and other people can feel that way.
And we don't just let anybody take charge. Right.
Like the, the has to be said way too often.
'cause too many people don't fucking understand boundaries.
Mm-Hmm. , I'm, um,
a submissive, not your submissive.
Right. Like, when the rando rocks up
to you online is like, you will call me master.
No, I'll call you a motherfucker
and then block the fuck outta you, .
That is what I will do. But, okay, go on .
Um, so I mean, ,
The, this idea that a submissive wants
to give up some amount of power
and control to another human being
creates also the stereotype that we're willing to do
that with everybody.
Now I know for myself that have I given power
and control to the wrong people
before I even fucking knew what power exchange
and BDSM even was?
Yeah. Because there's a part of my nature that wants to do
that in certain circumstances.
The irony and the thing I think some people would not
understand is that is true.
And also I think there's a right way
to do certain things ,
and both get to be true at the same time.
It's just like I have decision fatigue over a lot of life,
and then there are times I want to be actively in the middle
of the decision making because I, I, I got thoughts, right?
Mm-Hmm. Like, both of those things can be true.
So that's where
I get the confusion about submissive with control issues.
But I also do not get No, I know it's possible. Okay.
So what control issues can mean a lot of things
and also nothing at the same time.
So what the fuck even is that I found three resources,
all centered around mental health in some way,
because con control issues,
however you end up defining them, um,
comes from something like, there are reasons
that people might have control issues.
Um,
did the screen stop?
I'm gonna keep talking. Yeah.
Um, hopefully the audio for video folks is, uh,
still working properly.
Okay. Um, so do we need to pause
for podcast listeners as well?
Are you just gonna, you did that last time.
You turned it off and back on again. Okay. Sorry.
Podcast listeners. So, um, let's talk about like
how air quote control issues, um, tend to be defined
and where they can kind of come from so
that, um, we're all kind of like working from the same
playing field, if that makes Mm-Hmm.
any sense? So I got three resources here.
Let's go through them. We're back. Okay.
The first one is from a psychotherapy site,
like they're an office or something.
It says, control issues refer
to an overarching theme in a person's character rather than
a specific disorder.
People with control issues feel the need
to maintain power over nearly every aspect of their life,
including personal
and romantic relationships, family dynamics
and events in the workplace.
Okay. The next one is the,
it's from the site Psych Central.
And I have linked all these in the places for anybody
who wants to read them on your own, um, title.
Is there something flying around my face
need to control everything?
This may be Why? So it says the desire
for control may be rooted in a fear of uncertainty.
Sometimes it can also be related
to a mental health condition.
I think from my,
and I can only speak from my personal perspective on this,
and then conversations
I've had with other people, of course.
Mm-Hmm. . I know for me there is anxiety.
I ha I am an anxious person. Mm-Hmm. .
And so there is the false belief
that if you can control everything that's happening,
you can make sure that whatever you're worried
about does not happen.
Does not, yeah. But also, uh, partly
because of anxiety, maybe because of neurodivergence.
I'm not diagnosed with anything officially.
But there's also the, you want to do it quote the right way.
Mm-Hmm. . And once, like in my mind,
once I figure out what,
and big fat air quotes, the right way is the air quote.
Right way is the right way.
I discovered for me, that worked for me.
That's all that the right way is. Right.
There's makes sense.
There's so many different ways to do the same thing. Mm-Hmm.
. Um, but once I figure that out for myself,
I feel calmer.
I feel more secure.
I feel like I put, I don't put myself
in a position to be told that I'm wrong about something
or to be laughed at or to be mocked and ridiculed.
Because sometimes that need
for control does come from trauma too.
, like, there are so many reasons
that a person might be trying
to control things in their life that from anxiety
to shit that happened to them
as a kid in previous relationships, previous workspaces,
like whatever, whatever got them thinking.
I, I can't trust other people. Trust issues is another one.
If I don't trust you, then guess what? Mm-Hmm.
. I, I need to have control. But also I've had
that relationship where if I fucking wanted something done,
I had to do it myself.
Mm-Hmm. , I wasn't getting help from the people
around me who were supposed to be in this with me.
Gotcha. And so what happens it, from my view,
and I think this is more common than not,
but somebody correct me, if you have to get used
to relying only on yourself, then
that's what the fuck you will do.
Yeah. And you will develop your ways that lets you get
through hard things, chaotic things,
stressful things, just life in general.
You'll develop your patterns in your ways. Mm-Hmm.
. And that can be very hard
to break, especially.
Yeah. From, for me, when you met me
and I was a tough nut to crack, , um,
I had not been able to depend on a partner
ever before in my life.
I'd gone through my entire adult life, all,
all the way back, back to like late teens.
I could not depend on people around me.
There was nobody on a team with me. Mm-Hmm. .
So we did it my way because my way got shit done. Yeah.
Right. Mm-Hmm. . And that took a long
time to overcome.
But also 'cause these things are layered,
I think I find a sense of security
and safety in feeling like I have found the quote
right way to do something.
Mm-Hmm. . And once I convince myself it's the
right way, it's the way I fucking want shit done.
Right. That be because I feel safer.
Now, is that neurodivergency, is that anxiety? Is that both?
I don't know. , .
I think those things are complicated.
You know, I also have memories of being a kid
and trying to like, go my own way
and my own path on something.
And being told I was super wrong by a trusted adult,
and then feeling shamed for that.
So then guess what? I'm gonna try to avoid that forever.
Mm-Hmm. again. What does that go back to?
To, I, I don't, I don't know for myself,
so I certainly don't know for anybody else.
But there are lots and lots of reasons.
And then, you know what? I think it's very possible
that you can just be fucking wired that way.
You can just be wired to be like, I like my way. Mm-Hmm.
. I want to do shit my way. Yeah.
And I think, I think more than a few
of y'all become dominance is what I'm saying.
, you legit get stressed the fuck out
when you cannot control situations around you.
And I think a lot of people do, quite frankly. Mm-Hmm.
Because the outta control feeling can be very disruptive.
It can be, it often happens not
because good things are happening in our lives.
Mm-Hmm. . Right. So, um, the other one,
and this I wanna touch on
because I think this is where, um,
it can cause problems in relationships.
And also I think some of this can happen
on the dominant side,
where we go from just having control issues
to being a control freak.
Mm-Hmm. . Now who gets
to classify somebody else as a control freak?
That is a very subjective .
I was called a control freak most of my adult life
until you came into my life.
But also, I was the bitch that got shit done
because nobody was fucking doing it.
Right. Not that they were doing it wrong,
they were not doing it .
And I don't, I don't like that. My brain can't handle it.
It goes, Nope. I see a thing that needs to be done.
I'm capable of doing it. And it, it's getting done.
We're getting it done, but now we're doing it my way.
So buckle up fuckers because mm-Hmm.
mama's got control.
Like, it's not, it's not a healthy thing probably,
but with control freaks.
Now, that's not an official diagnosis either, .
Um, it says people with a high need
for control often feel the need
to correct others when they're wrong.
I went through that phase.
Uh, controlling people don't often admit when they're wrong.
I don't like to admit when I'm wrong.
And I only have control issues. I'm not a control freak.
Um, and those are the high need for control.
Often get very frustrated, this person says, while driving,
I think I get frustrated while driving
for all kinds of reasons, but sure.
We'll go with it. Um,
so correcting people when they're wrong.
I learned a new thing, um, last night.
It was in relation to autistic girls
and women, um, about, you know, the, some of the reasons
that women, it takes a long time for women
to be diagnosed, blah, blah, blah.
But the term, and I went, oh God, that was my childhood.
People I think can do this. But this was about autism.
Mm-Hmm. girls will engage in something
called bossy play.
They're, they're not.
And I, and I, my immediately went, oh my God,
I'm remembering part of my childhood now.
It's not let's engage in this activity together.
It's let me walk around and tell you what the rules are
to this game and how you need to do it correctly.
That was absolutely my early childhood.
I, I was definitely very interested in
how things were supposed to be done.
Mm-Hmm. . And then that became very important
to me that we did things the right way.
I was the elementary school.
I was what, fourth or fifth grade, um,
cafeteria table monitor for about five minutes
because nobody could stand me for longer than that.
I was absolutely what you'd call a bossy child.
And I definitely thought things
needed to be done a certain way.
So correcting people when they're wrong.
I don't do that anymore. I have, well,
- When, when I don't - Think I do.
- No, you've gotten a lot better. Did
- I do that? When?
- Well, when, when, when we first were getting together.
. I'm
- About to be shamed here, I believe.
- Mm. Um, when, when we first got together that we started,
you know, knowing each other and, and,
and developing a relationship, you were very much,
well, that's not how you do that .
Why are you doing it that way? Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
- . You know? And, and,
and you did that for far while It
- Stressed me out. It stressed.
- And it took me a long time with you
to realize, you know,
there's more than one way to skin a cat. And I
- Had to consciously think those thoughts to myself.
There is more than one way to do this. Mm-Hmm.
. This is my preferred way.
But there is more than one way.
I had to, I had to just grip my teeth and Yeah.
White knuckle through letting you do shit your
- Way.
Because several times, several times I had to say to you,
is the outcome the same? I know.
- And, you know, that became the voice in my head.
- Is the outcome the same? That became the voice in my head?
Do it this way. I do it this way. Is the outcome the same?
- So, here's what's funny. I'm, I'm over here going, no,
I don't correct people when they're wrong.
Here's the thing. If you're not in my safe list of people,
which right now is a person,
actually the kids are in my safe list of people.
If you are not in my safe list
of people you'll never fucking know.
I think you did something in the wrong way.
I mean, if I can control
how loud my facial expression is, you'll never know.
I will never tell you. I will have thoughts.
I will, they'll be inside thoughts
and also in the car on the way home thoughts
that I share with jb.
But I won't say anything. 'cause you're not a safe person.
I can't tell you. I think you're wrong if,
I don't know if I can even fucking trust you.
Right. Like me. Um,
but if you ask me, I'll have
to do the mental calculus of is it safe to tell you?
Right. Like, is this gonna come back to bite me on the ass?
But if you ask me,
and in an unguarded moment, I will not do the calculus.
I will just tell you. But that's it.
Like, JB got to hear it
because JB I trusted JB, I, I trust Mm-Hmm.
. I trusted JB to see all of this,
um, unfiltered.
And to this day, I would,
and I was sitting here confidently
going, I don't do that anymore.
That was a little kid Kayla thing.
No, I was not, um, .
It was a little kid Kayla thing to do it
to every, anybody and everybody.
So I was insufferable.
Um, it's a trust thing to do it with a partner.
But I wasn't confidently going, I don't do that anymore.
And then I remembered that not that long ago,
a month, maybe two months ago.
Mm-Hmm. , JB had to set a boundary with me.
So let me give you backstory here.
The joke was, for the longest time that we,
and it's still true, we cannot agree on how
to load a dishwasher.
We each have our method. Mm-Hmm.
do I think mine is superior? Of course I do.
But I have learned to just not, not care.
Well, I was teasing JB about how we don't agree on
how we load the dishwasher,
but my teasing triggered something
from previous relationships.
And I'm that person who, when I am comfortable with you,
I don't know how to put the brakes on.
Shit. I just very intense, even in my humor.
Um, and Jamie had to go, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I do not want this joke anymore.
This is reminding me of back then,
and I don't appreciate this.
And did it hurt my feelings to have
to like be told I was wrong?
Yes. Did I like fucking like, just be an adult and go, okay.
But I do. So what now? It's just an inside thought watch.
And I'm like, we do that so differently.
And here's the thing. What I say to myself is,
there's more than one way to do something.
Is the outcome the same?
And that you had to teach me
that you didn't know you were teaching me that
you didn't know in the beginning of our relationship,
you thought you were setting boundaries
and getting me to shut the fuck up and being a dom,
and actually you were becoming one of the,
not in like a a I need to be on some drugs thing,
but you were becoming one of the voices in my head.
Okay. Which is not a bad thing
- Because all right.
Alright.
- The, the voice, I don't mean this in like a, a, you know,
a a mental health way.
The, the voices in your head are like the people
who raised you, the influential people in your
life, you hear Mm-Hmm.
the things they've said to you.
And those become your inner voice. Sure.
The things you say to me have become my inner voice. Gotcha.
And not completely, but that is one
of them when I start kind of getting ramped up about
that's not being done.
Right. You saying, is the outcome the same?
Mm-Hmm. plays in my head. Yep.
Um, other things that can be like a control freak.
Always trying to win the argument or have the last word.
Look, here's the thing.
There's no winning or losing an argument
if you're already correct.
Okay. I was already Right.
- Pod podcast folks, you, you cannot see the look on my face
- Refusal to admit when they're wrong.
Now, these things can become very toxic and problematic.
Mm-Hmm. in a relationship. And quite frankly,
when we see this shit from dominance, we're like,
red flag, red flag, red flag.
Submissives can be this way.
It's just, it's a little bit, from my perspective,
it's a little bit sometimes harder to clock
or can sometimes, depending on the relationship
between dom and sub be mitigated better.
Because if, if you, as a submissive go, my dom is in control
of this aspect,
and you start displaying these tendencies,
then hopefully you feel comfortable
and safe enough in the, secure enough in the relationship
that you can be okay with your dom shutting that shit down.
But also the dom needs to recognize
what the fuck's happening so they can shut the shit down.
Right. Um, I jokingly refuse to admit
that I'm wrong, but only jokingly.
Yeah. Yeah. Um, when I'm, when I am wrong, I hate it.
It's a physical pain.
It, like, I feel like something cracking open in my chest
when I'm wrong, because I am doing the perfectionist part
of me, the part of me that went through some shit as a kid.
The part of me that just needs everything to be air quote.
Right. Because then I've done things right.
And there's so many layers to that Right.
To be wrong is a physical pain to me. Mm.
Like, yeah. I feel it. You know how I feel.
My, I tell you, I feel my anxiety in my throat. Yeah.
Like, I can't breathe. Mm-Hmm. .
I feel the, I fucked up shame in my chest. Mm.
It's almost like my heart breaks a little bit,
is a very, I don't, I don't know.
It's a very strange feeling.
Um, and so I, I desperately don't want to ever be wrong.
The way I typically handle that is by trying
to always do whatever the air quote right.
Thing is. But it also means that when I am wrong,
I almost can't breathe.
It's such a physical thing that I feel other people might,
will have a different reaction.
And sometimes it's not a good one.
And it's, it's not a healthy one.
And it is not helping your relationship last
for more than five minutes.
. And when things go too far, yeah.
Now we're in, we're in red flag toxic territory.
That's this relationship is not going to last.
There is judging or criticizing others.
Look, here's the thing.
I have people tell me all the time
that I'm a very kind, nice person.
I'm not kind. I'm nice. JB is kind and nice.
He's a, he's a twofer. He, he's enough for both of us.
Um, in my head where I can think anything, I wanna think,
I'm kind of a judgy bitch.
But I know the difference between
inside thoughts and outside thoughts, right?
Like, I, I have thoughts about things people do,
and I go, Hmm, I would never fucking do that.
But I also try to, on the outside,
genuinely be supportive too.
But I am that person. Mm-Hmm, , you like it.
I love it. Now,
if you could not hear the judgment in my voice,
we are not close like that.
But if you could, you know, ,
I think you're doing it wrong,
but I'll be supportive of your wrongness.
It's fine. I will love you even while you're wrong. .
That's, that's where that is, uh, driving with rage.
Driving with rage has, is more than just your control freak.
There are people will say that's tied sometimes
to neurodivergency.
It is tied to this. It's tied to that.
I'm an anxious bitch on the road. Okay? Mm-Hmm.
. And I don't trust none of
these fuckers out here.
So I drive with rage
because they're clearly doing it incorrectly.
Also, I'm probably doing it incorrectly.
I know how many curbs I hit, um, ,
but also 'cause I'm scared.
And I think that not always, not
for everybody, not every time.
I think a lot of con for me, I'll speak for myself.
Many control issues come through
because I'm scared of something.
Am I scared of being wrong?
Am I scared of somebody hurting me?
Am I, I scared of repeating whatever?
Am I scared of being triggered? Am I like, whatever it is,
- I'm, I'm, I'm sure that that is a,
a fair assessment. And the,
- Yeah.
The more afraid I am, the bigger my rage.
When I was pregnant with the oldest, the joke
was this child was gonna come out of the womb,
look at the doctor and call him a motherfucker.
Because every word that child had
to have heard from the womb when I was driving a 45 minute
one way commute was all of these stupid ass motherfuckers.
Mm-Hmm. . And that, those were the words.
Like I raged while I drove.
And there was nobody who would just take over
for me when I rage too much driving, if JB
for any reason needs to let me drive,
or like, where it's like, it's easier if it's my car.
'cause he's already folded like
a pretzel to even get in there.
He'll let me drive if I get too ragey.
He's like, Nope, I'm driving.
The only time he won't, if he's letting me drive,
is when he physically can't.
When his, when his eyes were all
swollen, I had to drive everywhere. or my
- Back's - Right?
Or your back is a problem. I'm gonna drive no matter what.
Now, I've learned over time because of how you are
and things you've said to me in conversations we've had,
I've learned to kind of take deeper breaths.
Right? , , I've learned to, to not scream
my rage, but to go, what the fuck?
Like everybody else does, right? Yeah. Yeah.
But when I have noticed when the, the hormones are,
are not balanced.
. Mm-Hmm. , the rage is worse.
And so pregnancy, oh my god. Oh my God.
I looked, probably looked like I was frothing at the mouth
if you'd looked in my windshield.
Is that a control thing?
I think sometimes, but also I think it's other things.
So like, I don't know, being angry while you drive.
I just feel like if, if we're gonna classify that as like a
disordered thing, I'm thinking that person who's classifying
that way has never driven on American
- Roads.
Well, you know, just say it.
I I, I, when when you first said, you know,
that this was part of, you know, about being in control,
um, when you brought it up, I had to sit there and,
and read what they described it as
because, um, you know, I, um,
I I've been known .
I know. You know, and you know, I'm, I'm reading
what they described there,
and I'm like, okay, that's not me.
That's not me. That's not me.
Um, it's the stupid people. It's the
- Stupid people.
I, I know. I think there's something to be said
for if you think everybody is a,
a bigger dumb ass than you are.
I've gotten I think, some humility as I've gotten older
where I'm like, no, I'm also a dumb
ass. Just in different ways.
- . Well, you know, I, I mean, Mr.
Spock made the comment, you know, Florida drivers, you know,
and, and there is a certain truth to that.
'cause you got, you know, if you think about it, the people
who drive here in Florida are from everywhere in country.
- Thank you. I was gonna point that out.
We people complain about Florida drivers.
We're got all y'all's drivers. Y'all came here.
- Yeah. - Yeah. It's y'all. It's not us
- From Michigan, New York, New Jersey, Penn.
You know, they, they all congregate here.
- Y'all, y'all are not sending your best is what
- I'm saying.
And, and nobody knows where the hell they're going. Right.
and, yes. So that's
- A whole other - .
It, it, it, it, it, it. Yeah. It's woo . Yeah.
- So there are, I think it's worth noting when
controlling behavior can go to the side of unhealthy for you
and the people in your lives.
Of course, I'm not going to say that missives cannot display
that kind of controlling behavior.
Mm-Hmm. . But I think it's going
to either look different or be clock different
or be less often or not with a dominant partner, at least
because of the nature of power exchange.
If I get too ragey Mm-Hmm.
, you shut that shit down
in your daddy dom voice.
Mm-Hmm. actually the voice.
Like, not even your, not your daddy.
Dom voice is kind of caring. Like, you still like me.
Your dom voice is sort
of a bitch shut up in a loving manner.
, I know what the fuck he means. Right?
Like, he's doing it for his sanity and my own good. Right?
Like there's a, there's a, the tone, I get the tone.
Um, so I think it's important to be aware
of when control issues air quote that.
'cause it's not really like a c like a verifiable term can
cross the line, I would say
to bring Doms into this discussion.
I think it's gonna be more important and
or easier pick Mm-Hmm.
to clock that in a dominant, right.
Because there's a difference between wanting to be
in control, wanting to lead the relationship, wanting
to have some level of power and control,
and being controlling in a way
where a partner is not thriving.
And I think that mm-Hmm.
has a better opportunity
to happen on the dom side than the sub side.
I'm not saying it doesn't happen to sub, it's just,
it's different 'cause of power exchange.
So all of that. Mm-Hmm. .
Let's talk about me and control issues
- .
So now I have a question for you. Okay. Okay.
Being someone who has control issues
- For a variety of reasons. Yes. Okay.
- Mm-Hmm. . - Mm-Hmm. ,
- How did you reconcile in your mind the fact
that you are a submissive?
- So I felt such a relief
when I figured out, Hey, wait, I think I'm submissive.
Like I, the kink thing is like
hitting some buttons here and ooh.
mm-Hmm. submission is making sense
because I think that,
and this is probably true for many people,
so I'm not special when I say this,
but I think that most of my control issues come from fear.
Right. Fear of getting it wrong
and being told I'm stupid.
Fear of getting it wrong. And, um, as a, a broke ass bitch
who at the time was raising children when we met,
getting it wrong can be catastrophic when you are
responsible for everybody in your life.
Right? True. So my control is,
and I had a 12 year relationship where if it didn't,
if I didn't do it, it didn't get done.
And I wasn't getting input from a partner.
So there was no collaboration. It was just Hmm.
Plow ahead, forge ahead, figure it out. Yeah.
I would figure it out, get shit done, be unsupported.
So by the time you got to me that some of
that shit was like hard coded, right?
Like, this is how we do shit
because I'm a person
who gets stuff done on her own independently.
Like plaque just, oh my God. Yeah. Mm-Hmm. .
So when I figured out I was submissive, right?
It was such a relief to go, oh, I make sense.
Because here's the thing. I had all my reasons that I kind
of even then recognized for wanting to be in control.
Mm-Hmm. . But I was exhausted.
And I remember sitting on my couch post.
I don't think the, no, yeah. The divorce was finalized.
'cause we were living in a whole new place at that point.
And I had kind of started dating, but not like much Mm-Hmm.
. Like I was a single mom
and the bio dad was like gone.
Like, whatever the fuck he was doing, he was worthless.
Um, and
so I was sitting on my couch, I mean, in tears.
I was so stressed out. I was so exhausted.
And I was thinking two thoughts almost simultaneously.
Mm-Hmm. . The first thought that hit first was,
I just want somebody to take care of me.
And this is before I figured out about kink.
And then the very next thought was, oh my God, what kind
of person am I to want somebody to take care of me?
Because I'm a Gen X Xen.
Like, I was raised by parents who were like,
you better be an independent woman.
Like, have your own money, have your own job.
Don't depend on no damn man.
And I was over here going, but I would like a
man to depend on.
Right. And before I could
or articulate where that was coming from, that oh, mm-Hmm.
, I have a submissive side
and there's a part of me that wants this in a relationship.
Um, I was giving control away
or trying to give control away to anybody who kind of like,
I thought I could, A boss was the easiest proxy
because you're supposed to listen to your boss.
Yeah. You're supposed to do what they like.
I mean, I am glad I don't work in 21st century
corporate America,
but also there's a little bit more
of a pushback than there ever was.
Yeah. You know, 15, 20 years ago. Mm-Hmm.
or plus. But, um, so I would give away,
I would try to give away that some of that control and power
and let the wrong people lead.
Now you're kind of supposed
to let your boss lead, that's why they're the boss.
But sometimes a shitty ass boss should not be
leading no damn body not be leading.
Right. And you get your ass outta there
and go try to find another job.
Yeah. And I would be like, but this I don't have,
I don't have to think I just have to do.
And when I'm allowed to think it's within my own talents,
it's within the things I'm good at where I thrive at getting
to go, Hey, I think we should do this.
Right. , and I would have loved to have, I think been
that way with my first husband,
but he proved pretty fucking quickly.
Mm-Hmm. that not only was he not worthy of it,
he couldn't fucking handle it.
Like he was a lost little sheep .
And I had to step up.
Let me say again, if I didn't do it, it didn't get done.
It didn't get done. Yeah.
So, but then he pushed back
and hated the fact that I had all that control
because with that control came authority,
I had fucking strong opinions.
Mm-Hmm. . And I was like, this
is what we need to do.
And he would get pissed about it.
And I'm like, well, what's your suggestion?
And I'd get a uno. Well, till you come up with something.
This is the way, this is what, and he did not appreciate it.
And there's many reasons why we're not married anymore.
Yeah. But I, I, so I didn't really have to reconcile,
wait, I have control issues.
Mm-Hmm. . And I'm submissive
until I was submitting.
And my first relationship was long distance.
And it was the fun, it was the fuckery
kind of relationship there.
There wasn't as much of the emotional
and mental kind of connection that you
and I go through Okay.
As being a long-term relationship.
And for us, a lot of our power exchanges more mental
and emotional anyway.
'cause there ain't a lot of time to play.
But giving up control and play was,
once I felt like I could trust a person that was way easier
because shit was being done to me.
And I already knew I don't do control behind closed doors.
I don't even know how to, like,
the brain does not work that way.
Outside of that. It was you
and I probably when we moved in together,
because while we were long distance, the the lines of
where you got control over things were very clear,
like super clear because you couldn't have control
over everything in my life.
We didn't live together. Right.
We weren't in the same time zone. Sure.
Like it was complicated. Mm-Hmm.
once we moved in together
and, you know, you had to lecture me about
loading dishwashers.
That is sort of when I was confronted with it,
but I was still feeling the relief.
Mm-Hmm. of having a supportive partner
that I could kind of let go with
and go, I don't, I don't have to make a decision.
'cause for me, the,
the control issues are not necessarily about
making a final decision.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, there are times I have very
strong thoughts
and strong opinions on what I think should happen.
But most of the time, you know me, I get into analysis per
analysis paralysis real easy
because I am so desperate to make the,
the air quote right choice
that I then can't make a choice at all.
Or there are too many options
that I can see are all perfectly
fine and reasonable options.
But which one is the best perfect option
when I'm confronted with that?
Mm-Hmm. , I can't do anything
and then I procrastinate forever
and shit doesn't happen or whatever.
So it's not that I wanted to make decisions,
I just wanted shit to be done
my way slash the way I believed was Right.
Because the things being done that way, that was safety.
Right. I knew what the outcome should be. Mm-Hmm.
. Right. I knew how to do it.
I didn't have to learn new skills and,
and feel, um, out of my depth
or feel insecure in any way.
Okay. But making the decisions, oh,
after my entire fucking adult life, from the age of 19
until I shed a couple hundred pounds overnight, thanks
to the judge, um, I had
to make decisions every moment of every day.
There was no Mm-Hmm. . Right.
So that's why it was real easy when I have a boss
who did I should not have worked for.
He was shit. But I, I would follow him.
He was making the decisions. I just had to do
what I was told that was I could, I had to do
what I was told, but I had the freedom to do it my way
to get to the outcome that the boss wanted.
Huh. After, after a while, like there came, you know,
in some jobs there's micromanaging
where you can only do it in, in Mm-Hmm.
. Mm-Hmm. that I had jobs where I
literally wrote the rule book.
Nobody had done my job there before. Gotcha.
So I had that control,
but I didn't have to make the decisions.
And I think for me, that's the difference.
I love that you're the decider for a few reasons.
One, you don't have to, we don't function with my like,
inability to just pick one.
'cause I'm trying to pick the perfect best right one.
Mm-Hmm. , um, two, I trust you.
I can't let somebody I tr don't trust make decisions for me.
That's n that's not a fucking allowed to happen
because it's a safety thing.
But before we ever moved in together,
and then once we did move in together, it was solidified.
I could trust you. I might not always
understand a decision you made.
Or even we've been very fortunate.
I don't think you've ever made a decision.
I didn't fully agree. I didn't agree with to some degree.
Mm-Hmm. . Because when I don't agree
with you fully, we will continue debating it.
Right. Right. We'll continue having the discussion. Sure.
And I think that makes it easier too. Mm-Hmm.
, you don't unilaterally make big
life changing decisions.
No. Without my buy-in,
- I, I I try not to.
I mean, you know, regardless of the fact that I am the one
that makes the final decision.
- Right. - I wanna know all
the facts of what I'm dealing with.
- Right. Because the nice thing, the good thing about you,
the nice thing about you, the thing that keeps me submitting
through all of these fucking control issues, , is
that you take responsibility for it.
If you decide, uh, we go a path
and you're like, this was my decision.
Mm-Hmm. , even with all my input, if it goes
to shit, you take responsibility for it.
Now, the part of me that is like super submissive to you
and wants you to have all of the things you've ever wanted
and to never have a moment
of strife in your whole fucking life, will fall
to pieces at the idea that you think you fucked up ,
even though you were the decider
and that was not the right decision.
I will fall on my proverbial sword
and try to take all of the responsibility and blame.
That's not good either. No , but I don't,
- No, it's not, not healthy - .
No. I'm sure
a mental health professional
would have a field day with all that.
Um, but yeah, that for me, there's, there's kind
of two sides to it.
There's the doing of the thing. Mm-Hmm.
, there's the decisions that have to be made
handing control to a person I trust of the decision making
was a fucking relief.
Now, I couldn't have done it to just anybody.
Part of it is, it's a,
I don't know how to best describe this.
It's a vibe, it's a feeling. Mm-Hmm. .
It's before we even had the opportunity
for you to make a lot of decisions.
I had that feeling with you, that
one you'd probably make pretty good fucking decisions.
And two, I already knew through experience,
you would listen to me.
And that was the only thing I ever wanted.
I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to be part of that process,
but to have the weight
of the responsibility of the final decision.
Yeah. If you were waiting for me to be a decider, there are
so many things that would never have happened.
Because I do that thing of here are my, my choices
and here are the ways we could go.
But which one is the exact perfect Right one.
And when I don't know, I will,
I wait till the absolute last minute to make a decision.
And then it's a rush decision. Right.
And then I question my decision, like it would never work.
Mm-Hmm. . So if you didn't already have
that ability, we would've been fucked up.
We'd have been screwed over. But you do have that ability.
And, and then on top of that, over time, I
learned very clearly
and fairly quickly you were gonna listen to me.
Mm-Hmm. , you respected my opinions. Mm-Hmm.
, you could compromise.
Like there are times neither one
of us gets everything we want.
No. We have to make a decision.
Sometimes you bend more than I do.
Sometimes I bend more than you do. Mm-Hmm.
the thing that, we haven't dealt
with it in years, but I remember this kind
of early days of living together.
I remember having to come to you
and go, Hey, in the past, like
however many decisions you've had to make
where we didn't agree fully, I feel like I'm bending more.
I feel like I'm compromising more. Mm-Hmm. .
And we could both agree that neither one of us was
perfectly right or perfectly wrong.
It wasn't like you made a decision
because I was like a dumb ass.
You didn't know what the fuck I was talking about.
It was more like you felt more strongly
about your perspective.
And as the decider, that was the path we went down.
And then I, because you are a safe person to do this with,
and you earned my trust and you are consistent.
All the things we like in a good dom just saying, um,
I could go to you safely
and go, Hey, I feel like I'm giving in a a lot more.
This, this is not, this is not, it's never fully even,
but it didn't feel balanced.
Right. Like it was, it was off kilter
more in your favor than mine.
And it, it was bothering me eventually.
Because the thing is, is being submissive
does not mean I do not have opinions.
Right. Does not mean I don't think there's a correct way
to do things regardless of control issues.
Mm-Hmm. , yes. With control issues.
I definitely think there's probably a right way.
And if I think I know that right way,
you are gonna know that.
I know that. I think there's a right way.
But, you know, I lost my train of thought. Sorry.
Um, sorry. Just It's okay.
The, the brain went blank. Yep.
- So - Yeah. Gimme back on track please.
All right. Sorry, y'all
- , now that we have been in,
in our power exchange relationship
for x number of years,
- So many years Mm-Hmm.
- , how has that
affected your control issues?
- So I think , you might disagree with me
because I don't know what it's like externally
to experience me, but internally it's very noisy.
There's many hamsters on many wheels up here.
Um, I feel like I am calmer about them.
- Okay. - I, you know, that,
I definitely still think there's a right way
to do some things and then that's not Right. Right.
- That's so right. Yeah. - And when we're,
there's certain things we just,
we haven't finished our discussion
because I tried to have a discussion when you were getting
sick and that was a bad time to have this discussion.
And we were not immediately on the same page.
Had we been on the same page, we could have had this
discussion probably we were trying
to have a conversation about parenting.
The youngest who's going through some shit
and the therapist was like, Hey, I suggest this.
We did not immediately agree on how that should be handled.
We agreed on the outcome. We could not agree yet on how to
- Get there, on how to get there.
You're you're correct right
- Now.
Yes. And, and the way now parenting is the one place,
our power exchange, I can't say it doesn't touch it
because my desire to
let you lead Mm-Hmm.
will bleed through even when Mm-Hmm.
, the only time it won't is in parenting
is when I fundamentally disagree with a thing.
Like I just see it differently. Mm-Hmm.
it doesn't mean I think he's wrong.
It means that I, my brain is not on board with
- That.
I mean, you need, you need to understand something with me.
It is a fact of unlearning a whole shit load. Mm-Hmm.
of not so good stuff.
- Right. And I'm, I'm unlearning too. Mm-Hmm.
But I've been unlearning for longer than I have longer
because I started when the kids were very Yeah.
Young with this. Yeah. So yeah.
We're not, we're not on an even playing
field yet with this Mm-Hmm.
. And I've been, I started, like,
for the youngest, I started suspecting at least the autism
spectrum disorder and certainly God, the anxiety long
before he ever got an official diagnosis.
Right. So I started trying to learn
and adapt to that regardless of
what the official diagnosis was.
Mm-Hmm. . And you were kind of behind me in
that journey.
And so you're still kind of catching up there too. Yeah.
- I mean the an, the anxiety
- Was very, we just all lived with it.
very obvious. Right. You know that, so Yeah.
But all that means is that in parenting,
that is the one time where, when, even though my,
the way I want I just naturally gravitate towards is
to go, what does daddy wanna do?
Mm-Hmm. That's what we'll do. It's real clear, you know,
real, real quick if I agree with you or, or if I don't.
Sure. Because I, there, I mean, look, look, look,
it's would be very rare for anybody other than JB
to know when I'm being submissive most of the time.
, I mean, on the outside looking in for most people,
you'll, you'll never pick up on it.
It's fine. JB can tell usually. Right?
Like, even when I don't sound like it, he knows. Mm-Hmm.
because he knows me. But when I have
a very firm opinion about how either, how something needs
to happen or is not allowed to happen,
I will not co-sign that.
Right. It's, it's clear
to everybody is clear from the moon looking down like
, it's clear from another galaxy.
Like you just know, oh no, Kayla,
Kayla's got, got a, an opinion.
And it's okay to have an opinion.
You can have opinions while having control issues.
But if this is the part where I'm not submissive
and never will be submissive.
Mm-Hmm. . Even if I try to gravitate towards
that, then I'm also going to have,
because of my nature, I'm gonna have a very,
I don't have a clear opinion about how we do a thing.
Mm-Hmm. . But I have a very clear opinion about
what I do and don't expect and what I will and won't accept.
Like there's like, like the way
that conversation went at the, at
that moment there was no room for compromise for me.
I was like that that is, I find
that fundamentally incorrect.
Is it? Probably not. It's just that was the first reaction.
Mm-Hmm. . But because we couldn't,
we weren't immediately on the same page
and we would have kind of tried
to go in completely different directions
and control the situation in different ways.
We had to table that conversation until you were well sure.
And we just haven't gone back to it.
But other times I sometimes
to my own detriment, I will go.
It's just easier if I go, okay, let's do what daddy says.
Even when I do have opinions.
Because sometimes it's a thing that is very,
well see I like rules.
'cause if I know what the rules, so assuming I agree
with them, I like rules because if I know what the rules are
and I follow them, then I'm air quote doing the right thing.
Is all of that actually true? And how life works? No.
But that's what my brain does. That's what my brain says.
I like to know what I'm supposed to do when
and in what order,
because then I just feel better about moving
through this thing we call life.
So there are times when it is a thing
that is well within our power exchange.
Mm-Hmm. , I, I will have clear opinions
and I won't say anything and you're the decider
and I will follow your lead because that's what I want.
And because I know most
of the time I'm gonna agree with you anyway.
Mm-Hmm. . Now my,
the thing I've learned over time, my quick
gut and head check.
Mm-Hmm. because the control
issues, they live there.
They haven't gone away. They're, they exist.
, it goes back to the thing I said at the beginning,
it's your voice in my head going,
do we want the same outcome?
Are we gonna get to the same outcome? Mm-Hmm. .
So sometimes it's sort of this innate, I'm just submitting
and it feels really good to submit.
Yeah. And I'm just gonna,
okay, yes, daddy, whatever you want.
Right. And sometimes it's 30 extra seconds to go.
Are we getting to the same
outcome regardless of how we do it?
Can I live with this? Does this feel wrong?
Like, you know me, I do a lot. Mm-Hmm.
for all that. I try to be really
analytical and really logical.
Uh, I do sort of just go on vibe sometimes. Right? True.
True. Like, outwardly, the response is based on the vibe.
Inwardly, where the hamsters are on the wheel, there's a lot
of analysis and, and air quote logic going on.
Okay. So , I'll, I'll give myself
that extra 30 seconds to kind
of go, yeah, I'm okay with this.
'cause we're getting to the same outcome we both want. Okay.
I can handle it. But that wasn't,
it's always felt easy with you.
But that doesn't mean it's always been easy for me. Mm.
So what I mean by that is,
in the beginning it was such a relief
to have somebody that I trusted.
Mm-Hmm. , who was a responsible adult
who was actively participating in the relationship whose
decisions I, I basically trusted.
'cause in the beginning, beginning of moving in together,
in the beginning of our power exchange,
when we're long distance, one, I felt lost and clueless
and I was just mentally
and physically exhausted all the time.
And two, I just desperately wanted to be taken care of.
Right. That's my baby girl side.
That's like, take care of me, daddy. Like, nurture me.
Right. , uh, those are the literal daddy issues.
It's fun. Um, what happened
over time was that
relief at having a little bit less responsibility
morphed, changed subtly added
this thing of I now have the time
and experience to know that most of the time, most
of your decisions are good decisions.
Even if they're slightly different than what I would decide,
the outcome is gonna be fine.
Like you, you had earned the initial trust that I was like,
I can just, I can just stop thinking for a few minutes.
And over time that that morphed into
I know he is got our best interest at heart.
Mm-Hmm. . And I know when it really fucking
matters to me, he will listen to what I have to say.
I know. I have a feeling from your perspective,
and tell me if, if I'm wrong lately, like in the past three
or four years, I probably don't seem like I'm acquiescing
to what you want easily or often.
Correct. Right. Okay. Correct.
- , um, pushing against
that sassy .
- The thing is, is it, part of it is in my mind I am,
because you don't know what I decided not to say .
- Yeah. - But also the point in life where the, the stage,
the moment in life we've been at the,
the ebb instead of the flow Mm-Hmm.
. Right. Yeah. Has been one of those things
where everything, I know you have felt out of control.
Yes. I too have felt out of control. Mm-Hmm. .
And I know that you felt out of control
and I know that you, we have actively been out of control.
Right. We have controlled, like the things we thought we
controlled, we controlled nothing.
Nothing. Right. Life has just sort of happened to us,
and all we could do is react to it.
- Right. Like, life has been like, here hold my beer
- .
Right. Well, I hit you over the head
with a mallet like, yeah.
Don't spill anything,
because that'll just cause another problem.
Right. The, the thing is,
and this is not always true all of the time.
Mm-Hmm. , but more often than not, when I sense
that you have control Mm.
And that you are, things are happening the way
you want them to.
Mm-Hmm. , it is easier for me
to let go even when things are not necessarily happening the
way I think they ought to.
Okay. Right. Okay.
When it is clear that we, none
of us have any fucking control, and it is just
- winging - Of prayer. Right.
- , - Then my fear kicks in.
Like there was recently. Right.
How much fear have we had over finances? Right. Oh God.
And let me just be kind of frank,
without going into too many details,
can we keep this fucking house?
Right? Yeah. Can,
what are we gonna do if the car craps out on us?
What are we gonna do when this thing happens?
And have we figured Yeah.
Fought Claude two and nail to figure shit out? Mm-Hmm.
. Yes. But you know how we did not do that?
By me taking the backseat
and going, I'll let daddy handle it.
I'll let daddy decide everything.
I'll let daddy do everything. Part of it was you couldn't,
it was overwhelming for both of us together,
working on it together.
Right. It was not a job for one person.
I don't care how dumbly of a person you happen to be.
Mm-Hmm. . It had to be a team effort. Yes.
I also sadly have way more life experience
with being dead ass fucking broke .
Yeah. Than you do. Which that's not a flex,
but it's a thing that helped I think.
So I sort of stepped in Mm-Hmm.
to do things that you used to do to kind
of have control over certain things, which some
of our conflict came from.
You did not want to have the control over that thing.
That thing stressed you out too much. Oh.
But you also did not like the way I was handling shit.
But you also didn't wanna have
to be, have the be bothered with it. Right.
- Yeah. The conundrum.
- So here's the other thing about control issues for me,
I will not speak to anybody else.
For me, if I give up control Mm-Hmm.
, and I get to kind of stay in that state.
I can be in that state until something is like parenting.
It's important enough. I have a business,
I have a strong fucking opinion.
Right. But if you let me have the control,
or I need to take the control for reasons Mm-Hmm.
, once I fucking have it,
and I've decided my way's not perfect, I have matured there.
I don't think my way is ever the perfect right way,
but my way is somehow by a wing
and a prayer keeping the lights on.
I mm-Hmm. find it for a time very difficult
to give that control back.
Here's when I was ready to do it,
and I still have it, I still have a lot more control than I
would really like to on some things.
It's when I became so overwhelmed, I was exhausted when
what all I wanted was to not have to make a decision.
And that took longer than I thought it would,
but also it took longer than I thought it would
for you to be ready to go, no, no.
I need to be more involved in this.
I need to be a decision maker on this.
Again, I cannot give my baby girl the task
and call it delegation anymore.
Right. Thankfully, that kind
of coincided at the time when I went, oh my God,
I I can't shoulder this by myself anymore.
Yeah. You were like, okay, I can take on some of this again.
Whereas for a while you couldn't. Right. Yeah.
Like, it just, it, so my thing is, is if I get control back,
you will probably have to pry it from a cold dead fingers
- . Yeah.
- Yeah. Unless I get so overwhelmed,
I wanna throw it back at you.
- And, and yet, you know, I I was gonna say,
and this goes back to, to a little earlier conversation.
Mm-Hmm. , uh, talking about the boys, you know,
early on when, when we were first starting
to see each other and we started building our relationship,
um, you were, um, okay.
Um, the, the boys
and parenting the boys is off the table for our Ds.
Oh yeah. Okay. This is like, you know, that, that is, I
- Was never going to give away - That power.
That that is, that is a, that is a, a,
a hard limit, a boundary.
And that is one that's not to be crossed.
Um, what I have noticed though, over time,
and, and I know it is, uh,
possibly most likely in part
because of, of my mind shift that you
come to me more Mm-Hmm.
for input. And,
- And it's because I've watched you decide
to unlearn shit .
That was hard when we, when we survived,
the oldest being in middle school, those years
of teenage life, right?
Mm-Hmm. that 13 to 12 really to about 13, 14.
Yeah. The con there was the conflicts were
us against the kid.
Yeah. You against the kid. Mm-Hmm.
me against you. Yeah.
Because there you were doing things that felt right to you
because it's what you knew
and it's how it was done for you and blah, blah, blah.
Yeah. And those were the things I was,
I had been actively undoing trying not to.
Right. And so you
and I were in a lot of direct conflict, so I
could not, um,
I didn't feel like I could just let go of
some not decision making
because, you know, parenting being the one
place, there's no power exchange.
There was never a letting go of it.
But I didn't, we had so much conflict
and I did not, I knew I was going to disagree with some
of the ways you wanted to handle things.
Yeah. That if you weren't going to sort
of assert any authority there, I wasn't gonna come ask
because if I knew we were gonna just fundamentally disagree.
Mm-Hmm. , then I was inviting conflict
and we were not getting anywhere.
Now that got better over time. Sure.
Part of the problem I tend to have,
and I think I said this towards the beginning,
when I am in control of something
and I figure out a path forward that I feel like is
what I'm supposed to be doing and is a, a good
and correct path, I don't deviate.
Well, that's what the fuck I know. Mm-Hmm.
and deviation outside of that, I,
it usually has to be something blunt,
like beat me over the head with, for me to go, whoa, I am,
I am really wrong here.
I've gotten better at that. Mm-Hmm.
, like I know , , I am
with the youngest, especially
because I saw his anxiety up close
and personal from a very young age with him.
Mm-Hmm. . I know I am that parent who will
not always push him the way that he needs to be pushed.
Right. I know that. And I recognize that about myself.
But the thing that's having to be undone is that
with the oldest, you pushed too hard.
Yeah. And so until I kind of could see that you were going,
Hey, wait, my method wasn't quite right either.
Mm-Hmm. , I was afraid to, to kind of let go
and go, I need you to, to do your thing
that is in direct opposition to my thing.
We have to, we have to counterbalance each other. Yeah.
Now that you, you are, I mean, it's, I'm not,
I'm not just saying, oh, he's unlearning things.
Like, I'm just declaring that and decreeing it.
I, and I'm also not saying he was a bad parent
before, it's just that there were certain aspects
of parenting that I,
especially even now I'm very sensitive to.
Right? Mm-Hmm. . Like, I don't think you watch
your kid be sick mentally
and physically every day for two years
and not come away changed by that.
So that changes how I parent.
But I am better at admitting my way is not
exactly the perfect way either.
Mm-Hmm. . And because I've watched you
bend Right.
And go, whoa, there are better ways to do this. Yeah.
The way I did it then I would not do it that way now.
Mm-Hmm. I know better. Right? Nope.
Because I've seen that shift.
It is easier when emotions are not high True to go,
Hey, I need you to counterbalance me here.
I'm gonna find it hard to let go, but I need that.
But when emotions are high
or when we are clearly we have such different viewpoints of
how to accomplish the thing we're trying to accomplish.
I've had so much control for so long Mm-Hmm.
that I don't know how to let go.
And this being one spot where I'm actively working
to not be submissive to you,
that means you get the full force
of this controlling personality ,
when I think I'm right.
Like you don't get the softer side of it.
Now that's a thing I feel like I should work on.
I can be soft and have control and have strong opinions.
I don't really know how though, you know?
Does that make sense? Yes. And that's not because of you.
Mm-Hmm. . That's stuff that predates you. I
- Don't know what I do without my Scorpio bitch from hell
- .
Look, there's some benefits to this.
The hard part is, is that the things that you like,
that the, that I will, you know, do my thing
with that other people.
It sucks when it's directed at you . Yeah.
Like, it's cute when I'm being that way about, you know,
whoever I'm being judging like judgers son about .
It sucks when I turn the energy in your direction. Right.
And I don't, and I hate that. Like, I, I can, it's so weird.
I can feel very strongly that we have to do a thing this way
or not do it that way.
Like that's two sides of the same coin. Mm-Hmm.
and also kind of fucking hate
that I can't just that there's something within
me that won't just let me go.
Oh. Just you decide.
Like, quite frankly in parenting, if I ever get to
that point, you need to like, I don't know.
I need to go somewhere and be like locked in a very
soft, padded place for a while.
Because if I ever get to that point with parenting,
something has gone very, very fucking wrong.
Yeah. Right. Because that's like, of all the things I do
as a human being to right now at this point in my life,
trying to get this parenting thing mostly correct,
is the most important.
Right? Mm-Hmm. . So I take,
and that's another thing, like that goes back to
what I was saying about I tend
to have the control issues over the things that I find
that I need to do my best to get it right.
Mm-Hmm. . But then I get very worked up about
what is right, what is right.
And almost nothing anymore hits my
insecurities like parenting.
Because all I could think is, well, I know
how the fuck I was fucked up and I'm trying not to do that.
But how am I actually fucking them up now?
- - As I try
to send them outta the nest in a few years.
You know what I mean? It's like there's, I get a lot
of stress over that because one,
I know there is no singular right way.
Mm-Hmm. , even with one kid over time, you have
to change your methods
because you gotta,
you gotta raise the person in front of you.
But I'm like, but that's the biggest unknown I think.
So then I clean to control.
- I think one of the things that helped me with that,
especially with the boys
and the oldest in particular, was when,
you know, as he was getting older and he's going off
and doing his own thing and he's getting involved in this
and doing that and, and, and this, you know.
Yeah. There was the whole, you know, he's,
he's being a teenager. . Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. I know why some, uh,
animals eat their young Yeah. I I totally do.
- But, um, you know, when when would hear feedback
from people,
- You know, he was a delight. He,
- He such, such a, you know, wonderful young man.
He, he's so helpful. Do you know he does, you know,
- according to things that I have heard
and read recently that I choose
to believe 'cause they make me feel good.
, it's actually a really good sign of your parenting
because you have, you are the safe place
where your kid can unmask.
Mm-Hmm. where they can, um, they know
that no matter what they throw at you,
you are still gonna be there for them.
Right. They're, you're, they're still
gonna, you're still gonna love them.
Yeah. And so, you know, especially, I don't know if,
I don't wanna say especially 'cause I don't really know,
but kids who definitely have to go out into the world
and mask and like conform to what their peers expect
of them in order to fit in to the best of their ability.
Mm-Hmm. . Because some of us
really just can't do that.
Um, you know, when they come home, they're overstimulated.
They are probably on the verge
of burnout depending on how long they've had to do that.
They're overwhelmed. There's all this stuff.
And so they just sort of to be the place
where your kid can come home
and be their shittiest fucking self was very tough
for me when we were going through it,
but is very affirming to me now.
Yeah. To know that. 'cause I was like, you,
I could didn't get to see them being the polite young men we
were trying to fucking raise. Right.
- Right. - And so I was like, oh my God,
what do you do when you're out in public,
but then to get to hear about, about
- How they are out in public? Yes.
- Yeah. I get to see it now with the, the 14-year-old.
So the 14-year-old just is homeschooled,
is we're working on it,
but he is practically a fucking shut in.
No, that's not good and healthy. Mm-Hmm. .
No, I'm not proud of it. We are working on it. Yeah.
But when I am with him, when he's like on the phone
with a teacher doing a thing they have to do
with his current curriculum Mm-Hmm.
. And I hear him go, yes, ma'am. Yes ma'am.
No sir. Uh, how are you doing today?
Now I know he's masking within an inch of his life. Right.
Right. But also, I'm like, I did something right
- There.
Something, something good. Yeah. We did something right
- There.
- Yeah. - Not that I want my kid to have to mask,
but I do want him to be able to move through polite society
and not like, be shit.
Right. Like I, there's, there's a, a line. So yeah.
The control issues with parenting are way, way strong.
Mm-Hmm. . You know, it's weird
because our power exchange is built into our business,
but we also rely very clearly on each other's strengths.
So you don't come try and tell me how to do social media.
Well, no. And I do not go out there
and tell you how to make a thing outta wood.
Like that's, that's not fucking happening. Right. .
And there are things that you taught yourself to do
that you've had to teach me.
And then I've learned new things.
And so then I bring that information. Mm-Hmm.
, there's a lot of collaboration. Right.
But there are certain parts. We're not, we're this isn't,
the business is not, you're in charge.
And the decider, it is very collaborative. Mm-Hmm.
. Um, and I,
I know you're not gonna sit down at the desk with me
and tell me how to write an article.
Like that's not gonna fucking happen.
We also had the agreement when I started freelance,
you were not going to tell me when and how I had to work.
Correct. You might set parameters
for it's time to fucking rest.
Did you hit that deadline? Mm-Hmm. .
Or you actually done it's time to rest. Right? Yeah.
Or a, hey, you need rest,
I'm telling you is your big D find a day. Right.
- Like, figure it out more, more, more so than,
than doing the work.
Or you know, it Right. It with you. It's the opposite.
Getting you to stop. Right.
- . But because our business life,
our professional life is also
separate from our power exchange.
Mm-Hmm. , we, it still filters in.
And in a way I really like,
like the clients I take on the work I agree to do.
Mm-Hmm. . That's my decision.
But the sitting down and talking it out with you about,
Hey, this is what I'm thinking.
Mm-Hmm. . And here's how I know it's going
to affect things and Right.
What do you think in your opinion? 'cause it's because
- We're in a relationship.
We had one of those conversations today. I
- Needed you to tell me what the fuck to do.
I knew what to do. I just needed somebody
outside of me to tell me what to do. You
- Just needed that little nudge
- Because I was sitting there in the,
what is the exact right path to take?
And I'm feeling away and I know I'm feeling
away, but I don't know what to do about it.
So we're not doing anything special when we collaborate,
when I say we're not doing anything special, we're doing
what a healthy relationship ought to do.
Yeah. And not just a romantic sexual merit.
Like not just that like a business partnership.
There should be, it should be collaboration, right? Sure.
But as you're submissive, I want to defer to you.
I mean, it's my, it's just the way I kind
of lean most of the time.
Mm-Hmm. . And I, I get that.
That's in direct opposition to having control issues.
That's what we're talking about today. .
Um, and also, you know,
I I don't see you as my boss in the business.
We are co-owners. 50 50. Yeah.
Um, we, but I do trust your judgment.
Mm-Hmm. . So I like when I'm struggling if,
when I can come to you
and even if it's a thing you know nothing about,
you're like, I don't know about the freelance life.
I what Right.
, but I can explain the facts of the case. Yeah.
I could tell you where my head's at
and you can use your knowledge of me
as just a person as you're submissive.
Mm-Hmm. to help me either make the
decision or my favorite.
I'm like, here are the two options I am weighing
and my brain cannot make a choice.
What do you think daddy? Like this? That's like .
That's not a fucking cheat code. Okay.
to be, to have to know that
you know me well enough.
Right. To trust your judgment
because you've proven that I can trust your judgment.
And then to have the luxury, the privilege to go, Hey,
I know you have my best interest at heart.
I know you take my opinion seriously. I know you know me.
Mm-Hmm. , I can come to you.
Hey, business partner. And go, I've got options.
And I don't know, can you please decide for me? Yeah.
Because it's not that I'm asking you to tell me what to do.
Quite frankly, most of our power exchange is
not you telling me what to do.
Mm-Hmm. it is you deciding
and it is you going, Hey, here's how we're gonna do things
and here's what I want you to do in this,
and here's how I want you to contribute in this.
And, and it's a, it's a freedom.
And I, you know, I appreciate it.
I don't use it often enough. I think I should probably come
to you when I have those moments more often.
I tend to wait until it's like really bad.
And I know, like,
I potentially could have almost lost out on an opportunity
this week because I was procrastinating
so hard on just sending a fucking email.
'cause I was like, one, I overthink shit.
And two, I'm like, but I know I'm feeling this way,
but I know what I ought to do
and what I ought to do is not a thing I hate.
But also I feel thi and I just did that thing. Right.
And so, you know, I I think it all ultimately goes back
to we all contain multitudes.
None of us are two dimensional creatures. True.
So yes, I have control issues and yes, I'm submissive.
Mm-Hmm. to the right person in
the right way at the right time.
Yeah. You know, I often try to think about if the joke is,
uh, JB is poly in practice, I'm,
or non-monogamous I should say.
Mm-Hmm. non-monogamous in practice.
I'm non-monogamous in theory.
But I also know my tendency in a relationship,
minimum I'm gonna bottom.
But mostly I kind of wanna be like, I want somebody to lead.
Right? Mm-Hmm. . But I want somebody to one,
be strong enough to fucking lead
this train wreck right here.
Thank you very much. Um,
and it be somebody I can trust enough.
And I, you know, I try to imagine
that with somebody else.
. Okay.
And I, I think I would struggle
and I think, I don't think everybody
could just, anybody could lead me
and let me get, let go of some of my control issues.
Does that make sense? Yeah. I'm not even sure if that's
where I was originally going, but that is where I ended up.
That's where you went. Mm-Hmm. . There's no way
this brain is neurotypical.
There's just not, I don't know what I am,
but it's definitely not that.
Um, so yeah, I like none.
We're all, all of these things.
And I sometimes I think my control issues are
better than they used to be.
And in some ways I think that they are Mm-Hmm.
. And then there's a moment where I have
to be in control,
or it's necessary for me to take some control back.
And that's when those control issues rear their ugly head.
. What I think is different is
that I am more self-aware.
Ah, okay.
And, and that's weird to say more self-aware
because I am overly self-aware.
Right. as I'm, I think part of it is,
is just over time with more experience
and more time to be introspective,
I've figured new things out about myself.
I've seen things in different ways.
I, you know, if you'd asked me 20 years ago,
I probably would've told you, yeah, I have control issues,
but also blah, blah, blah.
Whereas I don't think that now, like I am very much like,
yes, I'm definitely submissive to the right person.
. And also I think there's a right way to do things.
And the biggest problem I have is trying
to convince myself there's, I have
to find the perfect right way.
Yeah. Which is where it's good that you come in
because you through all kinds of reasons.
I can go. That's right. That's right.
Just let, just let JB do it.
Just, just, just sit, sit down, shut up
and nod your head and go, okay, daddy.
Mm-Hmm. You know, .
So I don't know about other people with control issues.
I cannot speak for other submissives.
I have no doubt that there are plenty of submissives
who would go, I don't have any control issues.
I really just want somebody to lead.
I'm looking for the right person.
And I think there are plenty of others who are like, oh, I,
here are my list of reasons
for why I think I need to be in control.
I need to like decide the air quote right.
Thing, whatever, whatever. And how, like,
how we got there is gonna be unique to each of us.
Mm-Hmm. how we handle it is
gonna be unique to each of us.
Right. I, I think it has helped me
that once I went, oh my God, I'm submissive.
I did not fight that internally.
A lot of submissive submissives I have met, especially,
you know, anybody socialized
as a woman in western civilization.
There are plenty of people who
struggled with that, that Mm-Hmm.
. Like, am I feminist enough?
Am I, I had those moments, like, you know,
something would come up and I'd be like, Ooh,
this doesn't feel very feminist .
And then I'd go, oh, but I have the freedom and luxury
and privilege to make this choice that feels very feminist.
You know? Um,
and so I think part of it is, it was,
I have had an easy-ish time of it
because I did not go through that internal struggle.
I went, oh my God, I'm submissive.
Everything makes sense now. And I was able to embrace it.
Not everybody gets that luxury. True. True.
Some people have to like really go through some shit.
Yeah. To get, to get to that point.
- Everybody's journey is different. Sure.
- Also, I was very fortunate that, that
my power exchange and kink experiences before you
and you were mostly positive.
Like you've been positive
and the shit we've been through has, you know,
it's been, we figured it out.
It's figure out, all right. Previous relationships
and flings and bullshit I was doing might
not have been like on paper.
Like, oh no, I wasn't bringing that one home to anybody.
But they were not damaging in any way. Mm-Hmm.
, they were not toxic. They were not things I
had to literally recover from like my heart.
The heartbreak I might have had
to recover from, but not my psyche.
Right. Like, sure. I didn't have to go, oh my God, do I,
do I know anything about anything?
What? Like, I didn't have to go through that.
And I think that makes it easier.
Like I got to kind of keep some of my wide-eyed.
I really just am looking for a partner who I vibe with.
Mm-Hmm. it.
I think it's 'cause I came prepackaged
with the trust issues.
, the vanilla world gave me the trust
issues, not the kink world.
Mm-Hmm. . And so I know all of
that has also Yeah.
Affected me. So, okay.
Um, I am, I cannot imagine that you just ever give,
get rid of control issues.
If that's a thing that's even possible.
Somebody with a degree in things about people,
let me know .
Uh, but yeah, I'm a hot ass fucking mess,
but I am your hot ass fucking mess.
Yeah. And that's all that has to keep mattering.
- .
- I, I wanna, there we go - Again.
- Before we go into the bonus section,
I do wanna ask one thing.
Uh, oh. And I hope, I hope it doesn't morph into a chime
- Minute thing.
I hope, I hope I have an answer.
- You know me in the midst
of my control issues directed at you and not Mm-Hmm.
. And you know me
when I'm very much a submissive baby girl who's wide-eyed
and wants to do what her daddy says.
Yeah. Have, like, what does
that feel like to you if
and when I have shifted with you from
control issues to like, have, is
that a thing you notice that
- A thing you experience?
Oh, absolutely. When, when you, how do I, how do I say this
- Carefully?
- , right? Um,
when you set your sights on something.
Okay. Especially if it's something that you are very
passionate about, you are an immovable object. .
- I'd like to think I'm a force of nature, but Okay.
, , I'll be that bolder .
That's fine. It's
- Fine.
You, you are an immovable object.
Now I will say, I will say
as time has gone on in our relationship,
that does not pop up as much.
- Yeah. I, you know, it's weird.
If somebody asked me today, I'd be like, I'm kind
of stubborn, but not that much.
And I'm pretty sure you have a completely different take on
that than I do from my perspective.
I know where I'm giving in, I know where I'm conceding,
I know where I'm allowing myself to be led.
Mm-Hmm. . And I can only imagine from your
perspective, you just know where I go, oh,
here's my line in the sand.
Have fun with that and you should
come over to this side with me
- .
And then some days it's just like,
- Look, look, , you take the good,
you take the bad, you take them both.
And there you have the facts of life. Okay.
The facts of life. , I would love to rewatch
that show, but I'm terrified it would not have aged 12.
Right. Um, so a follow up to that
does, how does it feel?
Mm-Hmm. , when you have watched me go from
hard bitch ass control issue freak
to Yes.
Dody. Like, have you ever seen
that kinda happen in real time?
Or is it sort of a I'm over here being control kind of like,
eh, and then
- I, I have never seen it as drastic
as like a switch being flipped
- That happens in my head.
I have to like, do a lot of self-talk
to go, fuck, you're being
- Controlling .
Yeah. But, but you know,
between, I forget to say it out loud.
It maybe it happens in there, but I, I don't see that.
Right. Um, it's, um, it's always a
gradual Mm-Hmm.
Thing. Now the, the time
of the gradual varies.
Sure. Excuse me.
But, um, yeah. That's, um,
- Does it make you, is it a neutral feeling
or does it make you happier when I'm, um,
- It, it makes me happy.
- Mm-Hmm. , I'm sure it makes your life easier.
- Well, ,
- I dunno.
You like me with a little bit of spice though. I
- Do.
I do. I do.
You know, um, and I have said
that I will always say it, you know?
Yes. Some of the spice is absolutely very nice.
- Everybody gets to have their limit. It's fine.
- Right. And, um, you know, we both know there have been
been times where it has gone too far.
And I'm like, okay. Right now,
- We fucking hate that.
We need a time out. I want
to always be doing everything correctly in the perfect way
and always be a good girl who is loved
and can never not be loved.
And when I do something wrong, I immediately go into,
oh my God, am I even lovable anymore?
Look, I'm just saying that's the trauma from all the places.
Yeah. That's my own shit.
But yeah, it's, I've gotten better at resisting.
It used to be, if I was told I was wrong,
I would give you 85 million reasons how
that couldn't possibly be.
And I would justify myself. Now. That's true.
I would also be trying to explain. Right.
And too many people consider
that justif like making excuses.
I'm like, no, I just need you to
understand what the fuck happened.
Mm-Hmm. . But I know
with other people when I was way younger Mm-Hmm.
and at times with you in the beginning
until I like calmed the fuck down as much as I'm capable of,
I was so desperate to not be in trouble.
I would try and fast talk my way into somebody
because to be in trouble
and to be told I've done something wrong,
which is why I'm always trying to do something right, was
to be told that I was unlovable.
That is not actually true.
But because of things, that is the perception. Okay.
I've had enough moments with you where you had to go
and big dvo, whoa.
mm-Hmm. rumpel fucking
stilts. Get over here. Okay.
- Yeah, that's - Right. And I had to like, just sit
with the, the, the yucky feelings I didn't like and go,
but wait, he still loves me.
Wait, we're still cracking jokes together. Mm-Hmm.
, I still know my place in this. Right.
And over time is still not easy, but it is easier. Yeah.
But see, then I go back to if I just can control myself
and all the things I do perfectly,
then nobody will ever be upset with me.
That's not fucking true at all. Right.
Um, but yeah, I still have that.
That's for me and a future therapist
that maybe one day I will be able to afford.
Okay. This was a long one.
It was, I had thought, I thought this was gonna be one
of those kind of semi short ones short for us.
I mean, it's all apparently not relative,
but I, 'cause Yeah.
Because my control issues are a huge part of me. And
- For you took control of the
- Episode, I always do anybody who's been here
for more than like an episode is like, knows that.
- Yeah. - , um, is what I like,
is there are times you let me take control.
'cause you know, I'm the best one for it. Right.
And I, I appreciate that. Well,
- Yeah.
I mean, really this topic, you know, I can't
- Well, yeah.
And like last week you did talk a lot,
but you were, the conversation we had
before we recorded was No, no, you go ahead.
Yeah. Because I'm not feeling well. Right.
Um, I think that makes a difference too. Mm-Hmm.
, like, I get to be my full self with you.
Yeah. The, the wacky, the weird, the, the
traumatized, the like, but I'm, you know,
and then together we're growing and learning.
Right. And for me it's a, a, the depth
of the trust I have just, it really does just get deeper.
Mm-Hmm. And so I can be more of myself.
I can let myself be uncomfortable
because I've been air quote wrong about something.
I'm being corrected. Mm-Hmm.
That is a weird thing to be in a power exchange
to be your submissive, to believe
to some degree in the concept of submissive training,
and yet to feel physical pain if I think I've done
something wrong.
Yeah. And you were displeased with me
and I've still to some degree
work through that all the time.
But it's easier. Hmm.
- Okay. - I could keep going. We're gonna stop.
We're gonna do a bisection worry.
- Yeah. I think we need to, - JB needs to have the space
to complain about how so many things have just decided
to fuck up on his watch this week.
Oh, please. I know he need, he needs to be able to vent.
So we will do that. We'll go into a bonus section. Okay.
- So, uh, are we good? I
- Don't know.
That's really not for me to say.
- Keep - Keep the kinky on and we'll see you next week.
- - Daddy,
- Dad.
- Yes, baby girl.
- I - Have no,
- I know, I know, I know what it's,
it's part of what, that's
- Part of the bullshit of this week.
- You, I was like, can he get any closer to that?
I, it struck me. I'm sorry.
- Can we talk to Thes? ?
- Yes. - Okay. Go. Because you've got shit to say.
- So Yeah. This, this has been a fucked up week for me.
Yeah. Um, you know, aside from being sick ,
- Which are definitely way on the men, so that's
- Bed way, way on, way on the mend.
Um, shit has just been falling apart,
left and fucking right. I
- Know. I've, I know.
- Um, - I can't even let myself be stressed out about it.
I just have to go. Well put that on the list. We'll fix
- It when we can.
Um, you know, I'm, I'm sure many of you who are, um,
you know, watching you podcast people can't see obviously.
Right. But, um, these are not the normal glasses. I
- Wear mine neither, - By the way.
. Yeah. Yours, yours either .
Um, my, my glasses broke.
- Your progressives too.
My progressives the ones that are easier to see.
- Right. And, and these I normally wear just for work
- Right in - The shop.
In in the shop. Right,
- Right.
Um, bifocals for anybody who can't see. Right.
- And, and the other, they,
they are a very good pair of progressives.
And, you know, those are my daily wares.
I can, you know, with the progressives, I can see screens,
I can read, I can, you know.
Mm-Hmm. . See far away.
These, there is no in between . Yeah.
It's either there or here. And you
- Gotta be looking at the exact right spot . Right.
- Um, so, you know Yeah.
That, that happened,
which we did make an, uh, an appointment.
So I'm going to get my eyes checked.
- And here's what's funny. So they broke. Yeah.
Nose pad came off of one side. Mm-Hmm. .
He went to those and then he went, fuck this.
I'm going to the eyeglass place. We're gonna
- Get the dust.
Well, first I tried the crazy glue. Super, super glue.
- You tried to glue it yourself. They did
- Not, did not stick. Did not work.
- So then he goes, fuck the shit.
I know my appointments next week,
but I'm gonna go to the eyeglass place
- And see, and see if they can fix it.
- So we did that this morning. I did that.
Brought back coffee. It was delightful. Yeah. And then,
- And, and I was doing work here in the house.
I, I did not go out in the shop.
I had plenty I needed to do right here in the house.
And I'm, I'm working on stuff here in the house
and I feel a little thing against my nose.
And then,
- And then I was on my hands
and knees looking for the other nose pad
- .
Right. The, the, the other, the other nose pad broke.
And, uh,
- I know, um, this is j b's rant time,
but I do wanna add in the glasses I was wearing.
I was just sitting there at my desk just breathing. Mm-Hmm.
. And something felt weird on my face.
And I went, something's not sitting. Right.
And when you wear glasses, even if you're not really
consciously thinking about how they feel, you notice them.
Mm-Hmm. . So you notice when something's off,
I go, what is up with my glasses?
I pull 'em off my face. They were plastic frames.
They were larger frames.
So they're easier for me to do my progressive thing with it.
Just split in the frame. Yeah. Nothing had hit my face.
I had not slammed my,
go save your stuff from Onyx if you need to.
I had not slammed it down.
I hadn't, I had just been sitting there
and my glasses just snapped apart.
So I'm wearing my backups.
And Onyx was trying
to get up on the credenza that's behind her camera.
But JB has set up a laptop that's doing a file transfer.
But another thing that's not working is, I guess a
external hard drive that's dying.
But also if you bump the laptop just wrong,
everything stopped .
- Well, here's the OnX - Was
trying to jump on top of the laptop.
- Here's, here's how that all came about.
Um, the other morning, apparently we had a power surge. Yes.
And it knocked the power out briefly.
And there was one, you know, I, I usually am very,
very good about having surge protectors
and I really important on electronics.
Yep. Yep. Um, especially here in Florida
with the summer storms.
Well, there was one item that was not on a surge protector,
and it got knocked to shit.
Many of y'all know, we put a new network in the
house and we have
- The good, good - Internet, have, have the good, good.
And, and we got our own routers.
And what I got was so that they can piggyback.
So one on one end of the house, one on the other end
of the house would get full coverage.
So it was one of the ones on the other end of the house
that, that went to shit.
Um, figured out when the youngest came to me, he was like,
why can't I get in the wifi ?
Right. Nothing is working. He is working in my room.
- And we're like, really? We're fine. Yeah.
- Yeah. So, you know, I was like, okay,
let me reboot everything.
Rebooted everything still didn't work.
So yeah, the, the, the one router that was on the other side
of the house from the office, uh,
that was not on the search protector when the power
glitched, um, it dumped.
I spent a good half a day, maybe longer,
working longer on thing, maybe longer, uh, trying
to work on it and, and get it going again.
Um, which didn't, we ended up, we had
to order a new, and now
- We're waiting on a waiting.
- We're even - Willing to pay a little bit extra to like,
go to a store and physically get one Mm-Hmm.
. But that just wasn't gonna be an option. So,
- So anyway, what all that did was,
because I was working in the, the main router to try
and do all this stuff, I also tweaked a few other things
which, um, I had not done in the past.
So now basically,
because we have such a mixed network, um,
I have a Linux laptop,
we have two Windows computers, we have an iMac.
Um, I, I made some tweaks to the network
services in the back, so they can pretty much
now all talk to each other.
- Wow. - So one of the other things that I have wanted
to be doing, I have, I have hard drives.
I have lots of hard drives sitting
- Around. He's a digital
- Hoarder, y'all Okay.
That I've collected over the years.
And, um, I could, um,
I found out recently there was a place here I can take them
for recycling and, and be done.
Um, um, Mr.
Spock asked if maybe under warranty it isn't Jesus.
Um, but it was such an inexpensive one.
Um, the, the warranty was actually, yep. God
- Dammit.
The video keeps going out. Podcast listeners.
Sorry, JB has to keep getting up, turning the camera off,
turning it back on.
Is that a camera issue? We don't know yet.
That's another thing to work on, right.
To figure out where that issue is. Yeah.
- So, um, you know, what I'm have wanted to do was
to go through the,
um, okay, there we go.
It's, it's the delay. Yeah. It's catching up.
It's the delay. It's catching up. There we go. Okay.
So, you know, what I wanted to do is start going
through these hard drives, getting rid
of whatever data is not needed
and seeing what do you want to keep?
And the,
the one hard drive is, has been failing.
Mm. That's Windows would no longer read the hard
drive Linux would.
So I've been transferring the data off now that,
that the network is all playing nice.
As far as that goes. So, um, there was that.
- Then right before we started streaming the
comp, the computer we
- Streamer this computer - Did not want to do
- Anything. No, it didn't.
- It was just sitting there frozen.
- Right. Um,
baby band saw broke in the tiny shop.
Yep. You didn't tell me that. I didn't. No, I didn't.
- Oh my - God. Yep. Baby band saw broke again.
- And was it the part that you had already
replaced or was it something
- Else? Something else.
- Oh, good. Okay. Yeah. Yay. - And, uh, yeah, cool.
- We're gonna need to sell more paddles to fix all this shit
- And, uh, you know, be
because of I, the fact that I had been down for a bit, uh,
we had not done any yard work for a while.
- Oh, yeah. - And, and,
and, uh, Lola was, uh,
getting ready to go on strike for using the backyard.
- She's not like too much grass touching her damn nipples.
And, you know, I can't really blame her.
I wouldn't want grass touching my nipples. I wouldn't,
- There wouldn't, I wouldn't want shit
junk tickling my junk either. No. Especially
- Not when you're trying to like gear take a shit. Yeah.
- So, you know, I figured, all right.
Let me at least buzz around and give her some clear Mm-Hmm.
, you know, spots to work with on, you know,
until we get the weekend and we can sort the yard out.
Um, so I'm, I'm buzzing around on the mower, all
of a sudden I hear the clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk.
Um, the mower is old. We've had it now five years.
It was given to us. It was free.
Um, the deck has started rusting out.
- . Yeah. It was old when they gave it to us
- Too.
Right. And, uh, part of the, the deck that had rusted
through was hanging down, um,
and it was catching the blade
and , luckily it was not a piece that
makes it structurally sound.
Oh, okay. Okay.
So I, I went and, um, I went
and, uh, got reciprocating saw
and I cut off the rusted part and,
and went on about.
So, um, you know, yeah.
It's, it's just been one thing after another,
after another after another.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, so, um, yeah,
it's just been shit breaking left and right
and I'm, I'm over it.
- I know there comes, you kind of hit,
and I don't know if we have hit the same point yet or not,
but there comes a point where you just kind
of go add it to the list.
- Yeah. - Add it to the list. Yep. Mm-Hmm.
the, the router thing we Yeah.
We did get that taken care of right away. Right? Mm-Hmm.
. Um, we have plans.
We are, we weren't planning on it,
but we are now talking about
how we're gonna replace the riding mower.
Um, yeah. Affordably, like we have a, a, a lawn guy,
like he does repair
and, um, maintenance on lawn equipment
for the commercial folks and us residential people.
Mm-Hmm. . And they sell used ones
that are in good condition that they've worked on.
And it's like, right. You can get something decent without
having to pay brand
- New on the leg.
- Um, our push mower is, is
- That's, I bought from them and
it has been great condition. Yeah.
- Um, but Yeah,
so it's just, it's just been a week.
Poor jb and see, I, when he gets flustered and frustrated
and you, I can hear in his tone that he's feeling Mm-Hmm.
not just overwhelmed, but powerless,
which is not his favorite way to be.
Um, my brain wants to try and fix it,
and I'm, I feel like I'm getting better at this.
Normally I would swim and go, what's wrong? What can I do?
What do you need? But what's just frustrates him more. Yeah.
And I, yesterday, today, one of the things broke on top
of, and I, and he went, fuck.
And I was like, JB does not say these words. Mm-Hmm.
. And he sounded not just frustrated,
but like, sort of at his wit's end.
Yeah. And I just went, do you need anything from me?
No. Okay.
When I watched him the other day,
spend six hours on the router
trying to like, bring it back. That was yesterday.
- It, - Yeah. I, I have enough, I've learned enough to go,
is should I leave you the hell alone
and you'll just tell me when there's something
to tell me, ?
Or do you wanna talk about this?
He goes, I'll tell you when there's something to tell you.
I was like, okay. Right. And I backed the fuck off
and I was like, yep.
- Yep, yep, yep. Okay. Mm-Hmm.
- , because I just desperately wanna fix
whatever bad mood or frustrating thing you're going through.
And then I, I can't, I
- Oh yeah.
And my, my battery charger for my e-cig that's
- Right now that you'd had for a long time.
- That I've had for a long time.
- Yeah. So that kind of, sort of made sense
that it would eventually die. Mm-Hmm. .
- Yeah. Yeah. So, uh,
- And hey, we, we are working around the dishwasher
that wants to be wonky.
Yes. We did find the workaround for that.
- Mm-Hmm. . Yeah.
Well, actually I did go in and clean all that out.
- Do you think that's what helped?
- I think so. - Okay. Yep. But yeah.
So J's like been going through it. Mm-Hmm.
- . But, um, you know what I,
what I ended up doing today, which um,
helped me quite a bit.
I cleaned my desk.
- Oh my God. It's spotless. We are kind
- Of the, the only spot that Oh, what's happening? Lola
- Trying to topple over the tripod.
Yeah. Who are you? Yeah, we, I, he cleaned it really well.
I look like a junkyard at my desk.
And I was like, I wonder how long this'll last before
- Bet Before today.
Today the only spot that was clean on my desk was
where your wrists go for the keyboard.
Mm-Hmm. . And, uh, yeah.
It was, it was pretty bad. Rough. Yeah.
And, uh, I dug it all out today.
I dug it out and I, I got the
- Clorox wipes - Out too.
I even got the Clorox wipes out. Mm-Hmm.
and, you know, hit it hard.
But, um, yeah, everything is off the desk. It's clean.
- But my favorite, 'cause typically in the past when he
cleans his desk, I miraculously have a new pile
of papers on my desk.
Mm-Hmm. . And he did not this time,
, he actually legit cleaned his desk
and left my shit alone. . I did.
- I did, I did. Well there,
I had nothing on my desk that was yours.
- No. Sometimes you give me shit. That's not mine either.
That's true. We did one time, it's been a few months ago,
we did a thing Mm-Hmm.
we did not speak of it ever.
We just kept passing the same stack
of papers back and forth.
Yes. He would air quote, clean his desk,
and a stack of papers would be on my chair
and I would go, I, I don't even know
what the fuck this shit is.
And so when he was not in the room, I would move it back
to his chair.
And we did that a couple times,
and then somebody, not me, uh, decided to figure out, well,
there was papers actually go, so there's,
- Yeah.
Just so, but yeah, it's, uh, it, it's been, it's
- Been, it's been, you know, I don't know if I'm,
if I'm getting more relaxed in life
or if I just don't have the capacity for
certain types of stress anymore. Mm-Hmm.
- Because - Not that long ago,
that laundry list would've had me like, almost in tears.
Like just so Yeah. Stressed. And now I'm like, okay,
- I, you know, I think - Just
add it to the list. , I think,
- I think, I think I figured it out in my case at least.
Anyway, I've been in survival mode for so long
with all the shit that's been going on.
This, this is like,
- We do have some lights at the end of the tunnel
that are not oncoming trains.
We've got some like things are happening that are Mm-Hmm.
positive things. Yeah.
They don't fix all this, but they're positive for what's,
and I think that's kind of counterbalancing some of it.
Mm-Hmm. , we've had more positives than usual.
Not more positives than negatives. We're not there yet.
Yeah. But we've had more positives happening than
usual for the past few years.
And so, I don't know, I just, I'm just like, look,
we have survived somebody getting hit
by a literal fucking car.
. We have survived family in fighting,
not us, but Mm-Hmm.
You know, we have survived illness
and you know, the passing of family members.
We have, we have survived this shit. We will handle Yeah.
Broken shit around this house. Mm-Hmm.
hopefully with a sense of humor. Correct.
- Correct. - And so, yeah.
Yep. Anyway,
- , any who, - When we're done here
after I put timestamps in for the YouTube folks, I have
to go do eighth grade science.
- Yep. - So
- I need a shower after this.
- And Lola is just pacing.
- Yeah. Because normally this time
of night we're on the sofa with her.
At least one of us is. One of us is. Yeah.
- So I guess we should go.
Do you feel better for being able to kind
of like go Ah, yeah.
Or is it just Sometimes I
feel better for being able to say it.
Mm-Hmm. . And sometimes I just am like,
oh my God, I have just listed
everything I'm now more stressed.
- Yeah. Um, I mean it's,
it's six one half dozen the other. Sometimes it
- Feels good. Just go
- What it does.
The fuck It does.
- It does. Hopefully that was this.
Yeah, this was that. What are words? I,
- But, um, you know, no, I mean, some,
some good things are happening.
Like, you know, we talked in the beginning about, you know,
we've, we've been, uh,
pumping up the wood dom Etsy shop and Mm-Hmm.
, you know, that that's been fun and good and,
and, and I've started a YouTube.
You have, uh, for the wood dom, the wood on YouTube. Mm-Hmm.
- if you wanna Mm-Hmm. . I, I
will try to remember
to link it in the places I suck at that shit. Yeah. Um,
- I mean, there, there's just a couple little baby videos on
there right now, but, you know, just start,
- I know I sub, I subscribed and,
and I, I watch the things happen in action.
I watch 'em edit 'em. So I'm,
I'm not like watching the videos going, how,
how do you turn the pen?
Lemme learn .
But what happens is I'm looking at my subscription feed,
the, the subscription tab on YouTube,
and I'm like, I know that hand.
And then I have to go, oh yeah, , that's my daddy.
That's my daddy at the one place. Okay. So.
- Yep. Yep. - Yeah.
I mean, for the first time ever since we started the Kry,
we got a couple things that are outta stock,
but they're outta stock because we just haven't, like,
we don't have what we need yet.
Right. But we're mostly stocked.
And normally, like, God, this time last year and the year
before in May, you were still like,
- Oh yeah. Like
- In panic mode.
Mm-Hmm. , you actually had the luxury
of getting to just be sick for a week.
I know. And be like, I'm just gonna sit still.
- Yep. - So that's pretty good.
- Yeah. So, and,
and yeah, l Lola has, you know, it, it, it, it was kind
of funny because when you step out the back door
of the office here, there's a little patio where
- She likes to sun herself.
- Right. And,
and then there is now a beaten path from the patio to
my tiny shop where
- Yeah.
We, there's some, we all walk that path. Yeah.
- And, and it is getting to the point that
Lola would not go off into the grass or,
or far into the yard to do her business.
She was doing it right in the path.
- I'm just glad she wasn't doing it on this back patio.
- Well, that's true. Yeah. I mean, yeah, because
- That's where she likes to sunbathe, so she Yeah.
Knock on shit where she sleeps. That's, she
- Sleeps Right.
But she ain't, ain't that about her. Well, hey,
that's, you know, I do too.
So, um, yeah.
That, you know, that kind of pushed me to do the,
do the thing with the, get that, but Yeah.
Yeah. I'm just like, you know, in, in addition
to not being well this past week Right.
And everything that's just been,
- It's a lot.
It's a lot. And it's, you are directly impacted
by every bit of it.
Yeah. Like, it's your shit it breaking.
I mean, do you have an electromagnetic thing going on
with your aura or your
- Vibe or something?
Well, you know, you know, I, I I, I kind of wonder there,
there was a time when I was
younger I could not wear watches.
- Oh wow. - If I was given a watch and I wear they broke.
It's like it, especially if it was a digital watch. Really?
- Oh, wow. - Yeah. Yep. Okay.
So I, I thought I was past all that, you know, but I'm
- Onyx is coming
and wants to be a menace, so I think that's our cue to go.
Right. So we can Mm-Hmm.
get her to not be a menace. Yep.
Um, thanks for being here.
Thanks for staying to the bitter, bitter end. Oh yeah.
Um, you know, uh, I'm glad we can like,
have these kinds of conversations Yeah.
With y'all. I hope for the control issues thing
that maybe those of you who are submissive
with control issues, you know, felt maybe seen or validated
or just like, you're not alone.
Mm-Hmm. and those of you who care about a
person with control issues could go, oh, ,
maybe there's a reason for these things.
Um, so yeah. So we are, um, we may need to go. Yeah.
The day is not actually fully over for us. No,
- That's okay. It's
- Not.
It's fine. All right.
Um, we'll talk to y'all later. Mm-Hmm. .
- Hi. Bye.