1 00:00:11,265 --> 00:00:14,805 - You are listening to Living BDSM podcast, episode 3 97. 2 00:00:14,945 --> 00:00:17,285 We are so close to 400 Oh mm-Hmm. Kill alerts. 3 00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:20,045 Who are the one, the only, the guy 4 00:00:20,065 --> 00:00:22,365 who doesn't look like I had just punched him job around 5 00:00:22,845 --> 00:00:23,845 - . 6 00:00:23,845 --> 00:00:26,285 And I'm very grateful that I, you know, that I was swollen. 7 00:00:26,625 --> 00:00:28,285 Oh. And, and it was starting to 8 00:00:29,435 --> 00:00:31,125 move over to the other eye too. Yeah, 9 00:00:31,125 --> 00:00:32,685 - We'll talk more about that in the bonus section, though. 10 00:00:32,685 --> 00:00:34,045 That is not what we're here to talk about today. 11 00:00:34,505 --> 00:00:36,805 We are here to talk about a thing we joke about. 12 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:38,885 I joke about there's jokes about 13 00:00:39,325 --> 00:00:40,885 - A lot - How a person, 14 00:00:40,995 --> 00:00:42,925 - It's always a joke - Named Kayla Lords 15 00:00:43,075 --> 00:00:45,805 with serious control issues can also be a submissive. 16 00:00:45,805 --> 00:00:49,125 Uh, it is possible. Uh, I am an example of it. 17 00:00:49,755 --> 00:00:51,405 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. 18 00:00:51,555 --> 00:00:53,125 This is your first time listening. Glad to have you. 19 00:00:53,125 --> 00:00:54,725 If you're back for another week, welcome back. 20 00:00:54,945 --> 00:00:56,805 Loving BDSM is produced every Monday 21 00:00:56,805 --> 00:00:58,605 and Friday for your kinky pleasure in education. 22 00:00:58,605 --> 00:01:00,925 And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net. 23 00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:03,005 Come back often and feel free to add the podcast 24 00:01:03,145 --> 00:01:04,485 to your favorite podcast app. 25 00:01:04,745 --> 00:01:08,485 You can also follow the show on FetLife at Loving BDSM PC on 26 00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:10,205 Instagram and technically threads at that handle. 27 00:01:10,325 --> 00:01:14,165 I will forever fucking hate loving Ds and the number one. 28 00:01:14,165 --> 00:01:15,885 So that's at Loving DS one. 29 00:01:16,145 --> 00:01:18,445 Or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving 30 00:01:18,835 --> 00:01:19,925 bdsm, where you can watch us live. 31 00:01:19,925 --> 00:01:21,405 Stream the podcast every Wednesday. 32 00:01:21,785 --> 00:01:22,885 All links are in the show notes. 33 00:01:23,265 --> 00:01:25,765 Big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon, 34 00:01:25,765 --> 00:01:27,605 including our newest peeps, we're able 35 00:01:27,605 --> 00:01:29,485 to do this weird thing on the internet in large part 36 00:01:29,485 --> 00:01:30,605 because of them. 37 00:01:30,745 --> 00:01:33,245 And we are grateful for every fucking one 38 00:01:33,245 --> 00:01:35,165 of the people in our kink community. 39 00:01:35,705 --> 00:01:37,285 If you'd like to join our kinky community 40 00:01:37,285 --> 00:01:38,525 and get access to extra content 41 00:01:38,625 --> 00:01:40,605 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 42 00:01:40,605 --> 00:01:42,365 super nice sters, you can do that. 43 00:01:42,675 --> 00:01:45,405 Join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. 44 00:01:45,425 --> 00:01:48,605 That's patreon.com/kayla lords, 45 00:01:48,605 --> 00:01:49,925 or use the link in the show notes. 46 00:01:50,345 --> 00:01:52,205 It is up to you when you click the magic button. 47 00:01:52,645 --> 00:01:55,885 I await your pleasure, my dear darling Daddy. 48 00:01:55,885 --> 00:01:57,605 Excuse me now, I might give you shit while I'm 49 00:01:57,605 --> 00:01:58,645 awaiting Your pleasure. 50 00:01:58,665 --> 00:02:00,125 My pleasure. All the pleasure. Mm-Hmm. 51 00:02:00,225 --> 00:02:02,925 But I, it's, it's up to you. Poor podcast listeners. 52 00:02:02,925 --> 00:02:04,445 You don't know that you were left there hanging 53 00:02:04,865 --> 00:02:07,005 for a few extra seconds because JB is just 54 00:02:07,315 --> 00:02:08,765 feeling himself today. 55 00:02:09,205 --> 00:02:11,365 - feeling, feeling my oats today. . 56 00:02:11,755 --> 00:02:13,845 - Yeah. Um, this is the part where I'm supposed to like, 57 00:02:13,845 --> 00:02:17,525 be a responsible professional podcaster slash content 58 00:02:17,525 --> 00:02:19,925 creator and say, here's our announcement 59 00:02:19,925 --> 00:02:22,045 and here's the thing I want you to, but I, I ain't got it. 60 00:02:22,355 --> 00:02:24,485 I've been meaning to add some products to our Etsy shop. 61 00:02:24,585 --> 00:02:27,565 It hasn't happened. Um, we're not doing anything new 62 00:02:27,565 --> 00:02:28,885 with the Kry right now. 63 00:02:29,075 --> 00:02:31,525 It's like same old. We're stocked mostly, but 64 00:02:31,525 --> 00:02:32,445 - We're, we're, we're, we're mostly, mostly 65 00:02:32,445 --> 00:02:33,325 stocking the king. But 66 00:02:33,325 --> 00:02:34,885 - There's nothing new and exciting to talk about. 67 00:02:35,115 --> 00:02:36,605 Like, I, I got nothing. Well, 68 00:02:36,765 --> 00:02:37,765 - I got nothing. 69 00:02:37,765 --> 00:02:40,085 I, I will say over the past week we have added a lot 70 00:02:40,085 --> 00:02:42,525 of stuff, or you have added a lot of stuff 71 00:02:42,585 --> 00:02:44,445 to the wood dom Etsy shop. Yes. 72 00:02:44,605 --> 00:02:47,525 - I just added four bowls 73 00:02:47,545 --> 00:02:49,765 and a pore bowl with a lid. Yeah. Today. 74 00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:52,005 - Yep. Pewter with a pewter lid. Yep. It's beautiful. 75 00:02:52,225 --> 00:02:55,845 And, um, yeah, we've got a number of bowls, um, 76 00:02:56,145 --> 00:02:59,485 put up on the site and, um, pens. 77 00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:00,845 Lots of pens. So many pens. 78 00:03:01,065 --> 00:03:03,205 So many pens that I had made and just Yeah. 79 00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:04,485 And pencils. And, and 80 00:03:04,765 --> 00:03:07,365 - Somebody promises me that his cutting boards, 81 00:03:07,895 --> 00:03:09,365 - Those are gonna be next, will be available soon. 82 00:03:09,465 --> 00:03:12,165 The cutting boards will be next. And, uh, you know. Yeah. 83 00:03:12,165 --> 00:03:14,245 If you, you wanna take a peek, the wood dom.com, 84 00:03:15,425 --> 00:03:17,365 - It doesn't still auto go to the Etsy shop. 85 00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:18,565 Yep. If you go to Etsy, you just search 86 00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:19,645 the wood dump hill shop there too. 87 00:03:19,665 --> 00:03:21,805 - It, it goes directly to - The, it's supposed to. It 88 00:03:21,805 --> 00:03:22,805 - Does. 89 00:03:22,805 --> 00:03:24,325 I checked it. Okay, good. I checked it because 90 00:03:24,325 --> 00:03:26,045 - If it doesn't, I gotta call - Somebody . 91 00:03:26,045 --> 00:03:29,765 I, I, I, periodically I do go in and check that. Okay, good. 92 00:03:29,765 --> 00:03:31,365 I make sure the re is working. Glad do. Yes. 93 00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:34,805 - Oh, barely begun. And it's already chaotic. Okay. 94 00:03:35,585 --> 00:03:38,005 So there you, we got it in . 95 00:03:41,705 --> 00:03:46,485 That's, that's JB at his, at his, mm. 96 00:03:47,005 --> 00:03:49,805 I don't know. I don't know how to describe that, 97 00:03:49,805 --> 00:03:52,005 but that's JB at his fill in the blank. 98 00:03:52,715 --> 00:03:55,525 Okay. So, um, a little bit like last week, 99 00:03:55,645 --> 00:03:57,685 I actually do wanna try to stay on track 100 00:03:57,685 --> 00:04:01,695 because this, um, what are you doing? 101 00:04:02,155 --> 00:04:03,735 Oh, no. Okay. 102 00:04:03,755 --> 00:04:06,095 He, sorry for podcast listeners, he, 103 00:04:06,265 --> 00:04:08,295 Jamie got a very serious look on his face, 104 00:04:08,295 --> 00:04:09,935 grabbed the mouse, started clicking around. 105 00:04:10,115 --> 00:04:11,295 I'm like, what the fuck is happening? 106 00:04:11,375 --> 00:04:13,095 - I, I saw an icon there that didn't belong. 107 00:04:13,215 --> 00:04:15,375 That should not have been up. And it was, yeah. So, 108 00:04:15,395 --> 00:04:16,535 - And since we've had tech issues 109 00:04:16,925 --> 00:04:18,015 left, right, and center Exactly 110 00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:19,615 - Today, - This week. 111 00:04:19,975 --> 00:04:22,295 I get it. Okay. So I'm trying 112 00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:24,295 to be like we were last week and stay organized. 113 00:04:24,295 --> 00:04:26,655 Because while I do joke about this topic Mm-Hmm. 114 00:04:26,695 --> 00:04:30,175 , I find it fascinating about myself. Sure. 115 00:04:30,175 --> 00:04:32,375 And so I want to try and do it justice. Mm-Hmm. 116 00:04:32,415 --> 00:04:33,775 and keep the chaos 117 00:04:33,995 --> 00:04:35,895 to the outer parts of the episode. 118 00:04:36,215 --> 00:04:38,975 the beginning and the end in front. Yeah. Okay. 119 00:04:39,115 --> 00:04:43,495 So Yeah. Um, uh, here in our private home, 120 00:04:43,495 --> 00:04:44,975 when there's no cameras and mics, 121 00:04:45,395 --> 00:04:47,095 we joke about my control issues all the time. 122 00:04:47,095 --> 00:04:51,095 Yes. Like, yes. Especially when jbs like, tell me 123 00:04:51,095 --> 00:04:53,215 to do something and for like half a second, I forget 124 00:04:53,235 --> 00:04:54,695 who I am here, . 125 00:04:55,955 --> 00:04:56,955 - Um, - But 126 00:04:56,965 --> 00:04:58,175 - It's a thing. Reminders, 127 00:04:58,345 --> 00:04:59,345 - Right. 128 00:04:59,345 --> 00:05:03,215 . It is one of those things where I am both sort 129 00:05:03,215 --> 00:05:06,375 of simultaneously shocked 130 00:05:06,405 --> 00:05:08,375 that I have with you. 131 00:05:08,795 --> 00:05:11,055 Mm-Hmm. and only with you in life 132 00:05:11,725 --> 00:05:13,535 feel like I have overcome some of that, 133 00:05:13,555 --> 00:05:15,055 or I've put some of that to the side, 134 00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,855 or it's not an issue as much. 135 00:05:17,635 --> 00:05:19,215 And also shocked 136 00:05:19,215 --> 00:05:21,975 that I am personally a very submissive person 137 00:05:21,975 --> 00:05:26,215 with the right person who definitely has opinions on 138 00:05:26,215 --> 00:05:28,815 how I think things ought to go in what is correct 139 00:05:29,115 --> 00:05:30,295 and it's not. 140 00:05:30,995 --> 00:05:34,735 Um, so yeah. It, it's, there's an irony there. Mm-Hmm. 141 00:05:34,775 --> 00:05:35,935 . I know I'm not alone in this. 142 00:05:36,135 --> 00:05:38,215 I know there are other people out there, um, 143 00:05:38,435 --> 00:05:39,615 for the person who's gonna go, 144 00:05:39,615 --> 00:05:40,535 but why aren't we talking about 145 00:05:40,635 --> 00:05:41,695 Dom and their control issues? 146 00:05:41,695 --> 00:05:44,655 Well, your control issues have to be tempered and, 147 00:05:44,655 --> 00:05:47,495 and modified, but that's what makes you the dom. 148 00:05:47,595 --> 00:05:49,175 So what are we Mm-Hmm. . I can have a 149 00:05:49,175 --> 00:05:50,495 conversation about that, but that's not 150 00:05:50,595 --> 00:05:51,895 the week's conversation. Okay. 151 00:05:51,895 --> 00:05:53,375 - It's not what we're here for. Right, right. Right. 152 00:05:53,695 --> 00:05:54,695 - - . 153 00:05:55,035 --> 00:05:57,765 - So, um, for some people, 154 00:05:57,885 --> 00:05:59,405 I don't think this really is a surprise 155 00:05:59,405 --> 00:06:00,885 because of the stereotype. 156 00:06:00,885 --> 00:06:05,045 Mm-Hmm. that, like a high powered CEO is 157 00:06:05,305 --> 00:06:07,565 so often stereotypically cliche, 158 00:06:08,105 --> 00:06:09,685 the submissive in a power exchange. 159 00:06:09,685 --> 00:06:12,245 Right. Because that idea is, oh, they're high powered 160 00:06:12,245 --> 00:06:13,525 and they have all this responsibility. 161 00:06:13,995 --> 00:06:16,405 They just, they want somebody else to take the power. 162 00:06:16,585 --> 00:06:18,965 And that is true. Those people absolutely exist. 163 00:06:19,115 --> 00:06:21,205 - Yeah. Because one, once they get to a certain point 164 00:06:21,205 --> 00:06:22,845 of their day, they're like, I, 165 00:06:22,965 --> 00:06:24,485 I have had enough of this being in charge. 166 00:06:25,065 --> 00:06:26,285 Let somebody else take the reins. 167 00:06:26,285 --> 00:06:28,485 - There's too much going on. But that does a disservice 168 00:06:28,625 --> 00:06:31,005 to everybody else who's not a high powered CEO 169 00:06:31,005 --> 00:06:32,325 that also feels the same way. 170 00:06:32,595 --> 00:06:35,565 Like we did the episode on decision fatigue. Mm-Hmm. 171 00:06:35,605 --> 00:06:36,245 . And while that affects 172 00:06:36,755 --> 00:06:38,245 anybody and everybody Yeah. 173 00:06:38,745 --> 00:06:40,365 For me as a submissive, 174 00:06:40,365 --> 00:06:42,845 the having decision fatigue over every other part 175 00:06:42,845 --> 00:06:44,245 of my life, when I can let it go 176 00:06:44,245 --> 00:06:47,005 and go here, daddy, you make the decisions, it's delightful. 177 00:06:47,225 --> 00:06:48,805 I'm not a high power nothing. Right. 178 00:06:49,035 --> 00:06:53,865 Like, you, anybody who wants somebody else 179 00:06:53,885 --> 00:06:56,545 to take the control it there, you don't have to be 180 00:06:56,855 --> 00:06:59,065 that per perceived high powered person. 181 00:06:59,065 --> 00:07:00,545 Mm-Hmm. . And I think it does a disservice 182 00:07:00,645 --> 00:07:03,785 to other people who are submissive or switch 183 00:07:03,885 --> 00:07:06,345 and have a submissive side to them that 184 00:07:06,925 --> 00:07:09,105 too many people think, oh, you're probably in charge 185 00:07:09,105 --> 00:07:11,065 of a lot of things and that's why you submit. 186 00:07:11,095 --> 00:07:12,825 Well, maybe Mm-Hmm. 187 00:07:13,005 --> 00:07:15,465 But just being in charge of your own life 188 00:07:15,485 --> 00:07:16,785 and trying to like survive. 189 00:07:16,845 --> 00:07:18,265 Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. in the 21st 190 00:07:18,265 --> 00:07:20,225 capitalistic society that we're in. 191 00:07:20,725 --> 00:07:22,225 Any one of us might be like, please, 192 00:07:22,505 --> 00:07:23,705 somebody take, take over, take 193 00:07:23,705 --> 00:07:24,705 - The waves. 194 00:07:24,705 --> 00:07:27,545 Do do you, do you think, um, um, 195 00:07:29,265 --> 00:07:34,025 , um, that that is a, a stereotype? 196 00:07:34,205 --> 00:07:36,025 - Oh, sure. It's absolutely a stereotype. Mm-Hmm. 197 00:07:36,065 --> 00:07:37,745 stereotypes are that way 198 00:07:37,745 --> 00:07:39,145 because there is truth there. 199 00:07:39,195 --> 00:07:41,185 There are absolutely are those people. 200 00:07:41,805 --> 00:07:44,465 But I was just a single mom who was exhausted. 201 00:07:44,585 --> 00:07:47,025 I I didn't feel high powered at all. Mm. 202 00:07:47,445 --> 00:07:49,425 And yet I can feel that way 203 00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:50,585 and other people can feel that way. 204 00:07:50,685 --> 00:07:55,145 And we don't just let anybody take charge. Right. 205 00:07:55,415 --> 00:07:58,705 Like the, the has to be said way too often. 206 00:07:58,905 --> 00:08:00,945 'cause too many people don't fucking understand boundaries. 207 00:08:00,945 --> 00:08:02,465 Mm-Hmm. , I'm, um, 208 00:08:03,265 --> 00:08:04,985 a submissive, not your submissive. 209 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,105 Right. Like, when the rando rocks up 210 00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:09,505 to you online is like, you will call me master. 211 00:08:09,685 --> 00:08:10,905 No, I'll call you a motherfucker 212 00:08:10,965 --> 00:08:12,785 and then block the fuck outta you, . 213 00:08:12,785 --> 00:08:15,745 That is what I will do. But, okay, go on . 214 00:08:16,125 --> 00:08:19,145 Um, so I mean, , 215 00:08:21,325 --> 00:08:23,865 The, this idea that a submissive wants 216 00:08:23,865 --> 00:08:25,905 to give up some amount of power 217 00:08:26,085 --> 00:08:27,425 and control to another human being 218 00:08:27,935 --> 00:08:30,385 creates also the stereotype that we're willing to do 219 00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:31,425 that with everybody. 220 00:08:31,525 --> 00:08:35,105 Now I know for myself that have I given power 221 00:08:35,125 --> 00:08:36,465 and control to the wrong people 222 00:08:36,765 --> 00:08:38,585 before I even fucking knew what power exchange 223 00:08:38,585 --> 00:08:39,585 and BDSM even was? 224 00:08:39,855 --> 00:08:43,465 Yeah. Because there's a part of my nature that wants to do 225 00:08:43,705 --> 00:08:45,465 that in certain circumstances. 226 00:08:46,205 --> 00:08:48,345 The irony and the thing I think some people would not 227 00:08:48,345 --> 00:08:50,105 understand is that is true. 228 00:08:50,485 --> 00:08:52,745 And also I think there's a right way 229 00:08:52,805 --> 00:08:54,785 to do certain things , 230 00:08:55,505 --> 00:08:57,205 and both get to be true at the same time. 231 00:08:57,315 --> 00:09:01,485 It's just like I have decision fatigue over a lot of life, 232 00:09:01,945 --> 00:09:05,125 and then there are times I want to be actively in the middle 233 00:09:05,185 --> 00:09:08,765 of the decision making because I, I, I got thoughts, right? 234 00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:10,405 Mm-Hmm. Like, both of those things can be true. 235 00:09:11,185 --> 00:09:13,125 So that's where 236 00:09:13,725 --> 00:09:17,205 I get the confusion about submissive with control issues. 237 00:09:17,225 --> 00:09:21,485 But I also do not get No, I know it's possible. Okay. 238 00:09:21,945 --> 00:09:25,765 So what control issues can mean a lot of things 239 00:09:25,985 --> 00:09:27,125 and also nothing at the same time. 240 00:09:27,225 --> 00:09:30,645 So what the fuck even is that I found three resources, 241 00:09:31,005 --> 00:09:35,285 all centered around mental health in some way, 242 00:09:36,315 --> 00:09:38,565 because con control issues, 243 00:09:38,565 --> 00:09:41,045 however you end up defining them, um, 244 00:09:42,855 --> 00:09:44,965 comes from something like, there are reasons 245 00:09:45,075 --> 00:09:48,445 that people might have control issues. 246 00:09:49,665 --> 00:09:53,005 Um, 247 00:09:54,025 --> 00:09:55,165 did the screen stop? 248 00:09:55,305 --> 00:09:56,645 I'm gonna keep talking. Yeah. 249 00:09:57,065 --> 00:10:01,805 Um, hopefully the audio for video folks is, uh, 250 00:10:02,255 --> 00:10:03,325 still working properly. 251 00:10:03,755 --> 00:10:08,685 Okay. Um, so do we need to pause 252 00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,045 for podcast listeners as well? 253 00:10:11,385 --> 00:10:13,205 Are you just gonna, you did that last time. 254 00:10:13,205 --> 00:10:15,085 You turned it off and back on again. Okay. Sorry. 255 00:10:15,085 --> 00:10:19,805 Podcast listeners. So, um, let's talk about like 256 00:10:19,945 --> 00:10:24,525 how air quote control issues, um, tend to be defined 257 00:10:24,665 --> 00:10:29,525 and where they can kind of come from so 258 00:10:29,525 --> 00:10:34,325 that, um, we're all kind of like working from the same 259 00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:37,245 playing field, if that makes Mm-Hmm. 260 00:10:37,285 --> 00:10:40,885 any sense? So I got three resources here. 261 00:10:41,175 --> 00:10:43,965 Let's go through them. We're back. Okay. 262 00:10:43,985 --> 00:10:47,245 The first one is from a psychotherapy site, 263 00:10:47,245 --> 00:10:48,685 like they're an office or something. 264 00:10:48,945 --> 00:10:50,845 It says, control issues refer 265 00:10:50,905 --> 00:10:54,605 to an overarching theme in a person's character rather than 266 00:10:54,685 --> 00:10:55,685 a specific disorder. 267 00:10:55,825 --> 00:10:58,205 People with control issues feel the need 268 00:10:58,205 --> 00:11:01,685 to maintain power over nearly every aspect of their life, 269 00:11:01,685 --> 00:11:02,685 including personal 270 00:11:02,685 --> 00:11:04,965 and romantic relationships, family dynamics 271 00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:06,445 and events in the workplace. 272 00:11:07,075 --> 00:11:11,405 Okay. The next one is the, 273 00:11:11,475 --> 00:11:12,965 it's from the site Psych Central. 274 00:11:13,065 --> 00:11:14,965 And I have linked all these in the places for anybody 275 00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:17,285 who wants to read them on your own, um, title. 276 00:11:17,345 --> 00:11:18,605 Is there something flying around my face 277 00:11:18,755 --> 00:11:19,765 need to control everything? 278 00:11:19,835 --> 00:11:22,965 This may be Why? So it says the desire 279 00:11:22,965 --> 00:11:26,045 for control may be rooted in a fear of uncertainty. 280 00:11:26,045 --> 00:11:27,645 Sometimes it can also be related 281 00:11:27,665 --> 00:11:29,165 to a mental health condition. 282 00:11:29,885 --> 00:11:31,045 I think from my, 283 00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:33,885 and I can only speak from my personal perspective on this, 284 00:11:34,025 --> 00:11:35,445 and then conversations 285 00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:36,605 I've had with other people, of course. 286 00:11:36,605 --> 00:11:40,365 Mm-Hmm. . I know for me there is anxiety. 287 00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:42,565 I ha I am an anxious person. Mm-Hmm. . 288 00:11:42,625 --> 00:11:44,765 And so there is the false belief 289 00:11:44,765 --> 00:11:47,405 that if you can control everything that's happening, 290 00:11:47,865 --> 00:11:49,445 you can make sure that whatever you're worried 291 00:11:49,445 --> 00:11:50,525 about does not happen. 292 00:11:50,525 --> 00:11:53,845 Does not, yeah. But also, uh, partly 293 00:11:53,845 --> 00:11:56,325 because of anxiety, maybe because of neurodivergence. 294 00:11:56,425 --> 00:11:57,925 I'm not diagnosed with anything officially. 295 00:11:58,185 --> 00:12:02,245 But there's also the, you want to do it quote the right way. 296 00:12:02,385 --> 00:12:04,205 Mm-Hmm. . And once, like in my mind, 297 00:12:04,235 --> 00:12:05,445 once I figure out what, 298 00:12:05,745 --> 00:12:09,285 and big fat air quotes, the right way is the air quote. 299 00:12:09,285 --> 00:12:10,965 Right way is the right way. 300 00:12:11,285 --> 00:12:13,085 I discovered for me, that worked for me. 301 00:12:13,105 --> 00:12:14,765 That's all that the right way is. Right. 302 00:12:14,765 --> 00:12:16,085 There's makes sense. 303 00:12:16,085 --> 00:12:18,525 There's so many different ways to do the same thing. Mm-Hmm. 304 00:12:18,565 --> 00:12:20,925 . Um, but once I figure that out for myself, 305 00:12:21,605 --> 00:12:23,045 I feel calmer. 306 00:12:23,405 --> 00:12:24,925 I feel more secure. 307 00:12:25,405 --> 00:12:28,925 I feel like I put, I don't put myself 308 00:12:29,705 --> 00:12:33,165 in a position to be told that I'm wrong about something 309 00:12:33,465 --> 00:12:36,525 or to be laughed at or to be mocked and ridiculed. 310 00:12:36,635 --> 00:12:38,125 Because sometimes that need 311 00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:40,125 for control does come from trauma too. 312 00:12:40,485 --> 00:12:42,925 , like, there are so many reasons 313 00:12:42,955 --> 00:12:44,685 that a person might be trying 314 00:12:44,685 --> 00:12:49,285 to control things in their life that from anxiety 315 00:12:49,465 --> 00:12:50,885 to shit that happened to them 316 00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:54,365 as a kid in previous relationships, previous workspaces, 317 00:12:54,365 --> 00:12:56,165 like whatever, whatever got them thinking. 318 00:12:57,205 --> 00:13:00,405 I, I can't trust other people. Trust issues is another one. 319 00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:02,845 If I don't trust you, then guess what? Mm-Hmm. 320 00:13:02,885 --> 00:13:05,125 . I, I need to have control. But also I've had 321 00:13:05,125 --> 00:13:08,445 that relationship where if I fucking wanted something done, 322 00:13:09,245 --> 00:13:10,485 I had to do it myself. 323 00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:12,485 Mm-Hmm. , I wasn't getting help from the people 324 00:13:12,485 --> 00:13:15,205 around me who were supposed to be in this with me. 325 00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:18,205 Gotcha. And so what happens it, from my view, 326 00:13:18,305 --> 00:13:20,205 and I think this is more common than not, 327 00:13:20,205 --> 00:13:23,205 but somebody correct me, if you have to get used 328 00:13:23,205 --> 00:13:25,845 to relying only on yourself, then 329 00:13:25,965 --> 00:13:27,125 that's what the fuck you will do. 330 00:13:27,315 --> 00:13:30,285 Yeah. And you will develop your ways that lets you get 331 00:13:30,285 --> 00:13:33,525 through hard things, chaotic things, 332 00:13:33,845 --> 00:13:35,365 stressful things, just life in general. 333 00:13:36,025 --> 00:13:38,845 You'll develop your patterns in your ways. Mm-Hmm. 334 00:13:38,885 --> 00:13:40,485 . And that can be very hard 335 00:13:40,485 --> 00:13:41,645 to break, especially. 336 00:13:41,995 --> 00:13:45,165 Yeah. From, for me, when you met me 337 00:13:45,165 --> 00:13:49,005 and I was a tough nut to crack, , um, 338 00:13:49,685 --> 00:13:51,765 I had not been able to depend on a partner 339 00:13:52,075 --> 00:13:53,165 ever before in my life. 340 00:13:53,305 --> 00:13:56,245 I'd gone through my entire adult life, all, 341 00:13:56,245 --> 00:13:58,005 all the way back, back to like late teens. 342 00:13:58,725 --> 00:14:00,365 I could not depend on people around me. 343 00:14:00,365 --> 00:14:02,645 There was nobody on a team with me. Mm-Hmm. . 344 00:14:02,905 --> 00:14:06,085 So we did it my way because my way got shit done. Yeah. 345 00:14:06,085 --> 00:14:08,085 Right. Mm-Hmm. . And that took a long 346 00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:09,565 time to overcome. 347 00:14:10,465 --> 00:14:12,445 But also 'cause these things are layered, 348 00:14:12,605 --> 00:14:14,765 I think I find a sense of security 349 00:14:15,065 --> 00:14:17,165 and safety in feeling like I have found the quote 350 00:14:17,175 --> 00:14:18,405 right way to do something. 351 00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,725 Mm-Hmm. . And once I convince myself it's the 352 00:14:20,725 --> 00:14:23,165 right way, it's the way I fucking want shit done. 353 00:14:23,215 --> 00:14:25,965 Right. That be because I feel safer. 354 00:14:26,105 --> 00:14:28,765 Now, is that neurodivergency, is that anxiety? Is that both? 355 00:14:29,205 --> 00:14:30,485 I don't know. , . 356 00:14:31,405 --> 00:14:32,885 I think those things are complicated. 357 00:14:33,345 --> 00:14:36,365 You know, I also have memories of being a kid 358 00:14:36,905 --> 00:14:38,885 and trying to like, go my own way 359 00:14:38,885 --> 00:14:40,285 and my own path on something. 360 00:14:40,345 --> 00:14:44,325 And being told I was super wrong by a trusted adult, 361 00:14:44,665 --> 00:14:46,165 and then feeling shamed for that. 362 00:14:46,225 --> 00:14:48,685 So then guess what? I'm gonna try to avoid that forever. 363 00:14:48,945 --> 00:14:51,045 Mm-Hmm. again. What does that go back to? 364 00:14:51,110 --> 00:14:53,005 To, I, I don't, I don't know for myself, 365 00:14:53,025 --> 00:14:54,445 so I certainly don't know for anybody else. 366 00:14:54,505 --> 00:14:56,645 But there are lots and lots of reasons. 367 00:14:56,985 --> 00:14:58,845 And then, you know what? I think it's very possible 368 00:14:59,115 --> 00:15:00,885 that you can just be fucking wired that way. 369 00:15:00,985 --> 00:15:03,765 You can just be wired to be like, I like my way. Mm-Hmm. 370 00:15:03,805 --> 00:15:05,965 . I want to do shit my way. Yeah. 371 00:15:06,305 --> 00:15:08,845 And I think, I think more than a few 372 00:15:08,845 --> 00:15:11,525 of y'all become dominance is what I'm saying. 373 00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:15,245 , you legit get stressed the fuck out 374 00:15:15,755 --> 00:15:18,445 when you cannot control situations around you. 375 00:15:18,465 --> 00:15:20,165 And I think a lot of people do, quite frankly. Mm-Hmm. 376 00:15:20,165 --> 00:15:25,005 Because the outta control feeling can be very disruptive. 377 00:15:25,105 --> 00:15:29,045 It can be, it often happens not 378 00:15:29,045 --> 00:15:31,165 because good things are happening in our lives. 379 00:15:31,165 --> 00:15:35,245 Mm-Hmm. . Right. So, um, the other one, 380 00:15:35,305 --> 00:15:36,645 and this I wanna touch on 381 00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:39,845 because I think this is where, um, 382 00:15:39,945 --> 00:15:41,925 it can cause problems in relationships. 383 00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:44,165 And also I think some of this can happen 384 00:15:44,865 --> 00:15:46,045 on the dominant side, 385 00:15:46,295 --> 00:15:48,085 where we go from just having control issues 386 00:15:48,145 --> 00:15:49,525 to being a control freak. 387 00:15:49,525 --> 00:15:51,565 Mm-Hmm. . Now who gets 388 00:15:51,565 --> 00:15:53,325 to classify somebody else as a control freak? 389 00:15:53,325 --> 00:15:55,005 That is a very subjective . 390 00:15:55,245 --> 00:15:58,485 I was called a control freak most of my adult life 391 00:15:58,485 --> 00:15:59,565 until you came into my life. 392 00:16:00,185 --> 00:16:02,485 But also, I was the bitch that got shit done 393 00:16:02,485 --> 00:16:04,085 because nobody was fucking doing it. 394 00:16:04,085 --> 00:16:06,525 Right. Not that they were doing it wrong, 395 00:16:06,915 --> 00:16:08,605 they were not doing it . 396 00:16:08,605 --> 00:16:11,045 And I don't, I don't like that. My brain can't handle it. 397 00:16:11,045 --> 00:16:12,685 It goes, Nope. I see a thing that needs to be done. 398 00:16:12,785 --> 00:16:14,725 I'm capable of doing it. And it, it's getting done. 399 00:16:14,815 --> 00:16:16,845 We're getting it done, but now we're doing it my way. 400 00:16:16,985 --> 00:16:18,845 So buckle up fuckers because mm-Hmm. 401 00:16:18,885 --> 00:16:19,925 mama's got control. 402 00:16:19,955 --> 00:16:22,245 Like, it's not, it's not a healthy thing probably, 403 00:16:22,785 --> 00:16:24,445 but with control freaks. 404 00:16:24,585 --> 00:16:27,725 Now, that's not an official diagnosis either, . 405 00:16:28,465 --> 00:16:30,005 Um, it says people with a high need 406 00:16:30,005 --> 00:16:31,565 for control often feel the need 407 00:16:31,565 --> 00:16:33,085 to correct others when they're wrong. 408 00:16:33,405 --> 00:16:34,445 I went through that phase. 409 00:16:35,025 --> 00:16:37,605 Uh, controlling people don't often admit when they're wrong. 410 00:16:39,005 --> 00:16:40,245 I don't like to admit when I'm wrong. 411 00:16:40,265 --> 00:16:43,405 And I only have control issues. I'm not a control freak. 412 00:16:44,105 --> 00:16:46,645 Um, and those are the high need for control. 413 00:16:46,645 --> 00:16:50,085 Often get very frustrated, this person says, while driving, 414 00:16:51,325 --> 00:16:52,645 I think I get frustrated while driving 415 00:16:52,645 --> 00:16:54,045 for all kinds of reasons, but sure. 416 00:16:54,045 --> 00:16:55,645 We'll go with it. Um, 417 00:16:56,585 --> 00:16:58,685 so correcting people when they're wrong. 418 00:16:59,245 --> 00:17:02,125 I learned a new thing, um, last night. 419 00:17:02,125 --> 00:17:05,005 It was in relation to autistic girls 420 00:17:05,265 --> 00:17:10,045 and women, um, about, you know, the, some of the reasons 421 00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:12,205 that women, it takes a long time for women 422 00:17:12,225 --> 00:17:13,845 to be diagnosed, blah, blah, blah. 423 00:17:14,265 --> 00:17:16,885 But the term, and I went, oh God, that was my childhood. 424 00:17:18,345 --> 00:17:21,085 People I think can do this. But this was about autism. 425 00:17:21,085 --> 00:17:23,445 Mm-Hmm. girls will engage in something 426 00:17:23,445 --> 00:17:24,525 called bossy play. 427 00:17:25,555 --> 00:17:26,605 They're, they're not. 428 00:17:26,705 --> 00:17:29,045 And I, and I, my immediately went, oh my God, 429 00:17:29,065 --> 00:17:30,525 I'm remembering part of my childhood now. 430 00:17:30,875 --> 00:17:32,965 It's not let's engage in this activity together. 431 00:17:33,115 --> 00:17:35,125 It's let me walk around and tell you what the rules are 432 00:17:35,125 --> 00:17:37,125 to this game and how you need to do it correctly. 433 00:17:37,675 --> 00:17:40,325 That was absolutely my early childhood. 434 00:17:40,965 --> 00:17:43,325 I, I was definitely very interested in 435 00:17:43,545 --> 00:17:45,125 how things were supposed to be done. 436 00:17:45,125 --> 00:17:47,365 Mm-Hmm. . And then that became very important 437 00:17:47,365 --> 00:17:49,365 to me that we did things the right way. 438 00:17:49,925 --> 00:17:51,445 I was the elementary school. 439 00:17:51,525 --> 00:17:53,645 I was what, fourth or fifth grade, um, 440 00:17:54,035 --> 00:17:57,365 cafeteria table monitor for about five minutes 441 00:17:57,675 --> 00:18:00,285 because nobody could stand me for longer than that. 442 00:18:00,845 --> 00:18:02,845 I was absolutely what you'd call a bossy child. 443 00:18:02,905 --> 00:18:04,205 And I definitely thought things 444 00:18:04,205 --> 00:18:05,325 needed to be done a certain way. 445 00:18:06,025 --> 00:18:10,005 So correcting people when they're wrong. 446 00:18:10,245 --> 00:18:13,005 I don't do that anymore. I have, well, 447 00:18:13,005 --> 00:18:14,605 - When, when I don't - Think I do. 448 00:18:15,465 --> 00:18:17,325 - No, you've gotten a lot better. Did 449 00:18:17,325 --> 00:18:17,925 - I do that? When? 450 00:18:17,955 --> 00:18:20,685 - Well, when, when, when we first were getting together. 451 00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:24,765 . I'm 452 00:18:24,765 --> 00:18:26,445 - About to be shamed here, I believe. 453 00:18:26,705 --> 00:18:31,365 - Mm. Um, when, when we first got together that we started, 454 00:18:31,505 --> 00:18:33,045 you know, knowing each other and, and, 455 00:18:33,065 --> 00:18:37,245 and developing a relationship, you were very much, 456 00:18:38,035 --> 00:18:39,845 well, that's not how you do that . 457 00:18:40,985 --> 00:18:42,685 Why are you doing it that way? Mm-Hmm. . 458 00:18:42,825 --> 00:18:45,005 - Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. 459 00:18:45,045 --> 00:18:46,205 - . You know? And, and, 460 00:18:46,265 --> 00:18:47,725 and you did that for far while It 461 00:18:47,845 --> 00:18:49,085 - Stressed me out. It stressed. 462 00:18:49,505 --> 00:18:52,365 - And it took me a long time with you 463 00:18:54,025 --> 00:18:55,885 to realize, you know, 464 00:18:55,955 --> 00:18:59,765 there's more than one way to skin a cat. And I 465 00:18:59,825 --> 00:19:03,285 - Had to consciously think those thoughts to myself. 466 00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:06,285 There is more than one way to do this. Mm-Hmm. 467 00:19:06,325 --> 00:19:07,685 . This is my preferred way. 468 00:19:08,145 --> 00:19:09,565 But there is more than one way. 469 00:19:09,845 --> 00:19:14,125 I had to, I had to just grip my teeth and Yeah. 470 00:19:14,255 --> 00:19:16,525 White knuckle through letting you do shit your 471 00:19:16,525 --> 00:19:17,525 - Way. 472 00:19:17,525 --> 00:19:21,085 Because several times, several times I had to say to you, 473 00:19:22,705 --> 00:19:24,405 is the outcome the same? I know. 474 00:19:24,425 --> 00:19:26,125 - And, you know, that became the voice in my head. 475 00:19:26,385 --> 00:19:28,925 - Is the outcome the same? That became the voice in my head? 476 00:19:28,925 --> 00:19:31,085 Do it this way. I do it this way. Is the outcome the same? 477 00:19:31,185 --> 00:19:33,125 - So, here's what's funny. I'm, I'm over here going, no, 478 00:19:33,125 --> 00:19:34,365 I don't correct people when they're wrong. 479 00:19:34,365 --> 00:19:37,765 Here's the thing. If you're not in my safe list of people, 480 00:19:37,815 --> 00:19:40,365 which right now is a person, 481 00:19:41,165 --> 00:19:42,605 actually the kids are in my safe list of people. 482 00:19:42,625 --> 00:19:44,005 If you are not in my safe list 483 00:19:44,005 --> 00:19:45,525 of people you'll never fucking know. 484 00:19:45,605 --> 00:19:46,885 I think you did something in the wrong way. 485 00:19:47,405 --> 00:19:48,805 I mean, if I can control 486 00:19:48,825 --> 00:19:51,325 how loud my facial expression is, you'll never know. 487 00:19:51,445 --> 00:19:53,285 I will never tell you. I will have thoughts. 488 00:19:53,485 --> 00:19:55,005 I will, they'll be inside thoughts 489 00:19:55,185 --> 00:19:57,565 and also in the car on the way home thoughts 490 00:19:57,835 --> 00:19:59,165 that I share with jb. 491 00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:01,085 But I won't say anything. 'cause you're not a safe person. 492 00:20:01,285 --> 00:20:02,885 I can't tell you. I think you're wrong if, 493 00:20:02,965 --> 00:20:04,405 I don't know if I can even fucking trust you. 494 00:20:04,405 --> 00:20:05,925 Right. Like me. Um, 495 00:20:06,505 --> 00:20:10,005 but if you ask me, I'll have 496 00:20:10,005 --> 00:20:13,165 to do the mental calculus of is it safe to tell you? 497 00:20:13,165 --> 00:20:15,805 Right. Like, is this gonna come back to bite me on the ass? 498 00:20:16,345 --> 00:20:17,725 But if you ask me, 499 00:20:17,905 --> 00:20:20,485 and in an unguarded moment, I will not do the calculus. 500 00:20:20,605 --> 00:20:22,325 I will just tell you. But that's it. 501 00:20:22,325 --> 00:20:23,765 Like, JB got to hear it 502 00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:26,525 because JB I trusted JB, I, I trust Mm-Hmm. 503 00:20:26,565 --> 00:20:29,285 . I trusted JB to see all of this, 504 00:20:29,945 --> 00:20:31,565 um, unfiltered. 505 00:20:32,305 --> 00:20:34,485 And to this day, I would, 506 00:20:34,865 --> 00:20:36,285 and I was sitting here confidently 507 00:20:36,285 --> 00:20:37,485 going, I don't do that anymore. 508 00:20:37,515 --> 00:20:39,205 That was a little kid Kayla thing. 509 00:20:39,205 --> 00:20:41,485 No, I was not, um, . 510 00:20:42,785 --> 00:20:44,685 It was a little kid Kayla thing to do it 511 00:20:44,705 --> 00:20:46,085 to every, anybody and everybody. 512 00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:47,685 So I was insufferable. 513 00:20:48,265 --> 00:20:50,565 Um, it's a trust thing to do it with a partner. 514 00:20:51,985 --> 00:20:55,325 But I wasn't confidently going, I don't do that anymore. 515 00:20:55,425 --> 00:20:57,765 And then I remembered that not that long ago, 516 00:20:59,005 --> 00:21:00,565 a month, maybe two months ago. 517 00:21:00,565 --> 00:21:03,205 Mm-Hmm. , JB had to set a boundary with me. 518 00:21:04,505 --> 00:21:06,205 So let me give you backstory here. 519 00:21:07,585 --> 00:21:11,405 The joke was, for the longest time that we, 520 00:21:11,425 --> 00:21:13,645 and it's still true, we cannot agree on how 521 00:21:13,745 --> 00:21:14,805 to load a dishwasher. 522 00:21:14,865 --> 00:21:16,965 We each have our method. Mm-Hmm. 523 00:21:17,005 --> 00:21:19,645 do I think mine is superior? Of course I do. 524 00:21:20,385 --> 00:21:22,845 But I have learned to just not, not care. 525 00:21:23,075 --> 00:21:27,685 Well, I was teasing JB about how we don't agree on 526 00:21:27,705 --> 00:21:29,165 how we load the dishwasher, 527 00:21:29,665 --> 00:21:31,445 but my teasing triggered something 528 00:21:31,445 --> 00:21:32,805 from previous relationships. 529 00:21:33,385 --> 00:21:36,525 And I'm that person who, when I am comfortable with you, 530 00:21:36,765 --> 00:21:38,565 I don't know how to put the brakes on. 531 00:21:38,565 --> 00:21:42,565 Shit. I just very intense, even in my humor. 532 00:21:43,065 --> 00:21:44,805 Um, and Jamie had to go, whoa, whoa, whoa. 533 00:21:44,965 --> 00:21:45,965 I do not want this joke anymore. 534 00:21:46,355 --> 00:21:49,005 This is reminding me of back then, 535 00:21:49,545 --> 00:21:50,885 and I don't appreciate this. 536 00:21:51,065 --> 00:21:53,085 And did it hurt my feelings to have 537 00:21:53,085 --> 00:21:54,565 to like be told I was wrong? 538 00:21:54,665 --> 00:21:58,725 Yes. Did I like fucking like, just be an adult and go, okay. 539 00:21:59,105 --> 00:22:02,365 But I do. So what now? It's just an inside thought watch. 540 00:22:02,365 --> 00:22:03,765 And I'm like, we do that so differently. 541 00:22:03,905 --> 00:22:07,045 And here's the thing. What I say to myself is, 542 00:22:07,045 --> 00:22:09,485 there's more than one way to do something. 543 00:22:10,145 --> 00:22:11,445 Is the outcome the same? 544 00:22:11,545 --> 00:22:13,285 And that you had to teach me 545 00:22:13,285 --> 00:22:15,045 that you didn't know you were teaching me that 546 00:22:15,665 --> 00:22:17,525 you didn't know in the beginning of our relationship, 547 00:22:17,745 --> 00:22:20,125 you thought you were setting boundaries 548 00:22:20,185 --> 00:22:22,205 and getting me to shut the fuck up and being a dom, 549 00:22:22,425 --> 00:22:24,885 and actually you were becoming one of the, 550 00:22:25,625 --> 00:22:28,965 not in like a a I need to be on some drugs thing, 551 00:22:28,965 --> 00:22:30,925 but you were becoming one of the voices in my head. 552 00:22:31,115 --> 00:22:32,485 Okay. Which is not a bad thing 553 00:22:32,485 --> 00:22:33,485 - Because all right. 554 00:22:33,485 --> 00:22:34,205 Alright. 555 00:22:34,705 --> 00:22:38,645 - The, the voice, I don't mean this in like a, a, you know, 556 00:22:38,765 --> 00:22:40,205 a a mental health way. 557 00:22:40,225 --> 00:22:42,045 The, the voices in your head are like the people 558 00:22:42,045 --> 00:22:43,765 who raised you, the influential people in your 559 00:22:43,765 --> 00:22:44,845 life, you hear Mm-Hmm. 560 00:22:44,885 --> 00:22:46,325 the things they've said to you. 561 00:22:46,705 --> 00:22:48,805 And those become your inner voice. Sure. 562 00:22:48,985 --> 00:22:52,165 The things you say to me have become my inner voice. Gotcha. 563 00:22:52,545 --> 00:22:54,885 And not completely, but that is one 564 00:22:54,885 --> 00:22:58,005 of them when I start kind of getting ramped up about 565 00:22:58,345 --> 00:22:59,605 that's not being done. 566 00:22:59,615 --> 00:23:04,485 Right. You saying, is the outcome the same? 567 00:23:04,865 --> 00:23:07,445 Mm-Hmm. plays in my head. Yep. 568 00:23:07,585 --> 00:23:09,685 Um, other things that can be like a control freak. 569 00:23:09,825 --> 00:23:12,245 Always trying to win the argument or have the last word. 570 00:23:14,675 --> 00:23:16,005 Look, here's the thing. 571 00:23:16,115 --> 00:23:18,045 There's no winning or losing an argument 572 00:23:18,065 --> 00:23:19,245 if you're already correct. 573 00:23:19,515 --> 00:23:21,485 Okay. I was already Right. 574 00:23:21,665 --> 00:23:25,365 - Pod podcast folks, you, you cannot see the look on my face 575 00:23:27,715 --> 00:23:28,885 - Refusal to admit when they're wrong. 576 00:23:28,885 --> 00:23:31,445 Now, these things can become very toxic and problematic. 577 00:23:31,445 --> 00:23:33,085 Mm-Hmm. in a relationship. And quite frankly, 578 00:23:33,085 --> 00:23:35,165 when we see this shit from dominance, we're like, 579 00:23:35,165 --> 00:23:36,605 red flag, red flag, red flag. 580 00:23:36,995 --> 00:23:38,205 Submissives can be this way. 581 00:23:38,315 --> 00:23:40,645 It's just, it's a little bit, from my perspective, 582 00:23:40,715 --> 00:23:42,445 it's a little bit sometimes harder to clock 583 00:23:43,065 --> 00:23:46,445 or can sometimes, depending on the relationship 584 00:23:47,235 --> 00:23:49,805 between dom and sub be mitigated better. 585 00:23:49,805 --> 00:23:53,805 Because if, if you, as a submissive go, my dom is in control 586 00:23:53,825 --> 00:23:55,005 of this aspect, 587 00:23:55,305 --> 00:23:57,565 and you start displaying these tendencies, 588 00:23:58,235 --> 00:24:00,165 then hopefully you feel comfortable 589 00:24:00,165 --> 00:24:01,925 and safe enough in the, secure enough in the relationship 590 00:24:01,925 --> 00:24:05,205 that you can be okay with your dom shutting that shit down. 591 00:24:05,625 --> 00:24:07,405 But also the dom needs to recognize 592 00:24:07,405 --> 00:24:09,365 what the fuck's happening so they can shut the shit down. 593 00:24:09,365 --> 00:24:14,205 Right. Um, I jokingly refuse to admit 594 00:24:14,205 --> 00:24:15,725 that I'm wrong, but only jokingly. 595 00:24:15,795 --> 00:24:18,965 Yeah. Yeah. Um, when I'm, when I am wrong, I hate it. 596 00:24:18,995 --> 00:24:20,765 It's a physical pain. 597 00:24:21,225 --> 00:24:24,885 It, like, I feel like something cracking open in my chest 598 00:24:24,915 --> 00:24:27,685 when I'm wrong, because I am doing the perfectionist part 599 00:24:27,685 --> 00:24:29,685 of me, the part of me that went through some shit as a kid. 600 00:24:29,685 --> 00:24:32,605 The part of me that just needs everything to be air quote. 601 00:24:32,775 --> 00:24:34,685 Right. Because then I've done things right. 602 00:24:34,685 --> 00:24:36,005 And there's so many layers to that Right. 603 00:24:36,425 --> 00:24:40,805 To be wrong is a physical pain to me. Mm. 604 00:24:41,235 --> 00:24:42,565 Like, yeah. I feel it. You know how I feel. 605 00:24:42,565 --> 00:24:44,645 My, I tell you, I feel my anxiety in my throat. Yeah. 606 00:24:44,645 --> 00:24:45,805 Like, I can't breathe. Mm-Hmm. . 607 00:24:46,005 --> 00:24:49,725 I feel the, I fucked up shame in my chest. Mm. 608 00:24:49,835 --> 00:24:51,245 It's almost like my heart breaks a little bit, 609 00:24:51,245 --> 00:24:52,725 is a very, I don't, I don't know. 610 00:24:52,725 --> 00:24:53,845 It's a very strange feeling. 611 00:24:54,425 --> 00:24:57,605 Um, and so I, I desperately don't want to ever be wrong. 612 00:24:58,225 --> 00:25:00,605 The way I typically handle that is by trying 613 00:25:00,605 --> 00:25:02,405 to always do whatever the air quote right. 614 00:25:02,405 --> 00:25:05,765 Thing is. But it also means that when I am wrong, 615 00:25:06,725 --> 00:25:07,965 I almost can't breathe. 616 00:25:08,795 --> 00:25:13,325 It's such a physical thing that I feel other people might, 617 00:25:13,325 --> 00:25:14,365 will have a different reaction. 618 00:25:15,065 --> 00:25:17,485 And sometimes it's not a good one. 619 00:25:17,745 --> 00:25:19,405 And it's, it's not a healthy one. 620 00:25:19,425 --> 00:25:21,565 And it is not helping your relationship last 621 00:25:21,585 --> 00:25:22,805 for more than five minutes. 622 00:25:23,125 --> 00:25:25,685 . And when things go too far, yeah. 623 00:25:25,745 --> 00:25:28,205 Now we're in, we're in red flag toxic territory. 624 00:25:28,265 --> 00:25:31,085 That's this relationship is not going to last. 625 00:25:31,255 --> 00:25:33,125 There is judging or criticizing others. 626 00:25:33,155 --> 00:25:34,605 Look, here's the thing. 627 00:25:34,885 --> 00:25:36,085 I have people tell me all the time 628 00:25:36,085 --> 00:25:37,645 that I'm a very kind, nice person. 629 00:25:37,785 --> 00:25:40,285 I'm not kind. I'm nice. JB is kind and nice. 630 00:25:40,395 --> 00:25:43,365 He's a, he's a twofer. He, he's enough for both of us. 631 00:25:44,025 --> 00:25:48,125 Um, in my head where I can think anything, I wanna think, 632 00:25:49,345 --> 00:25:50,565 I'm kind of a judgy bitch. 633 00:25:51,185 --> 00:25:52,205 But I know the difference between 634 00:25:52,205 --> 00:25:53,685 inside thoughts and outside thoughts, right? 635 00:25:54,005 --> 00:25:57,845 Like, I, I have thoughts about things people do, 636 00:25:57,845 --> 00:25:59,565 and I go, Hmm, I would never fucking do that. 637 00:26:00,225 --> 00:26:01,805 But I also try to, on the outside, 638 00:26:02,395 --> 00:26:04,045 genuinely be supportive too. 639 00:26:04,305 --> 00:26:06,245 But I am that person. Mm-Hmm, , you like it. 640 00:26:06,285 --> 00:26:07,605 I love it. Now, 641 00:26:07,625 --> 00:26:09,605 if you could not hear the judgment in my voice, 642 00:26:09,945 --> 00:26:11,165 we are not close like that. 643 00:26:11,385 --> 00:26:14,125 But if you could, you know, , 644 00:26:15,725 --> 00:26:16,765 I think you're doing it wrong, 645 00:26:16,905 --> 00:26:18,845 but I'll be supportive of your wrongness. 646 00:26:19,035 --> 00:26:23,325 It's fine. I will love you even while you're wrong. . 647 00:26:23,325 --> 00:26:27,085 That's, that's where that is, uh, driving with rage. 648 00:26:27,155 --> 00:26:31,885 Driving with rage has, is more than just your control freak. 649 00:26:31,885 --> 00:26:34,485 There are people will say that's tied sometimes 650 00:26:34,505 --> 00:26:35,605 to neurodivergency. 651 00:26:35,825 --> 00:26:37,325 It is tied to this. It's tied to that. 652 00:26:38,025 --> 00:26:39,925 I'm an anxious bitch on the road. Okay? Mm-Hmm. 653 00:26:39,965 --> 00:26:40,965 . And I don't trust none of 654 00:26:40,965 --> 00:26:41,805 these fuckers out here. 655 00:26:42,185 --> 00:26:43,405 So I drive with rage 656 00:26:43,405 --> 00:26:45,445 because they're clearly doing it incorrectly. 657 00:26:45,755 --> 00:26:47,205 Also, I'm probably doing it incorrectly. 658 00:26:47,245 --> 00:26:49,445 I know how many curbs I hit, um, , 659 00:26:50,385 --> 00:26:51,605 but also 'cause I'm scared. 660 00:26:51,785 --> 00:26:54,325 And I think that not always, not 661 00:26:54,325 --> 00:26:56,365 for everybody, not every time. 662 00:26:56,805 --> 00:26:59,485 I think a lot of con for me, I'll speak for myself. 663 00:27:00,195 --> 00:27:03,925 Many control issues come through 664 00:27:04,075 --> 00:27:05,765 because I'm scared of something. 665 00:27:07,065 --> 00:27:08,285 Am I scared of being wrong? 666 00:27:08,345 --> 00:27:09,685 Am I scared of somebody hurting me? 667 00:27:09,685 --> 00:27:11,965 Am I, I scared of repeating whatever? 668 00:27:11,965 --> 00:27:14,245 Am I scared of being triggered? Am I like, whatever it is, 669 00:27:14,705 --> 00:27:16,685 - I'm, I'm, I'm sure that that is a, 670 00:27:16,845 --> 00:27:18,245 a fair assessment. And the, 671 00:27:18,435 --> 00:27:19,435 - Yeah. 672 00:27:19,435 --> 00:27:22,365 The more afraid I am, the bigger my rage. 673 00:27:22,915 --> 00:27:25,805 When I was pregnant with the oldest, the joke 674 00:27:26,345 --> 00:27:29,045 was this child was gonna come out of the womb, 675 00:27:29,635 --> 00:27:32,885 look at the doctor and call him a motherfucker. 676 00:27:33,115 --> 00:27:35,725 Because every word that child had 677 00:27:35,725 --> 00:27:39,325 to have heard from the womb when I was driving a 45 minute 678 00:27:39,425 --> 00:27:44,325 one way commute was all of these stupid ass motherfuckers. 679 00:27:44,325 --> 00:27:45,645 Mm-Hmm. . And that, those were the words. 680 00:27:45,645 --> 00:27:48,045 Like I raged while I drove. 681 00:27:48,585 --> 00:27:50,365 And there was nobody who would just take over 682 00:27:50,365 --> 00:27:52,685 for me when I rage too much driving, if JB 683 00:27:53,105 --> 00:27:54,445 for any reason needs to let me drive, 684 00:27:54,465 --> 00:27:56,965 or like, where it's like, it's easier if it's my car. 685 00:27:57,245 --> 00:27:58,805 'cause he's already folded like 686 00:27:58,805 --> 00:27:59,885 a pretzel to even get in there. 687 00:28:00,655 --> 00:28:02,805 He'll let me drive if I get too ragey. 688 00:28:02,875 --> 00:28:03,925 He's like, Nope, I'm driving. 689 00:28:04,145 --> 00:28:05,845 The only time he won't, if he's letting me drive, 690 00:28:05,845 --> 00:28:06,845 is when he physically can't. 691 00:28:06,845 --> 00:28:08,445 When his, when his eyes were all 692 00:28:08,445 --> 00:28:10,805 swollen, I had to drive everywhere. or my 693 00:28:10,805 --> 00:28:11,805 - Back's - Right? 694 00:28:11,805 --> 00:28:13,685 Or your back is a problem. I'm gonna drive no matter what. 695 00:28:13,705 --> 00:28:16,685 Now, I've learned over time because of how you are 696 00:28:16,745 --> 00:28:19,125 and things you've said to me in conversations we've had, 697 00:28:19,435 --> 00:28:21,525 I've learned to kind of take deeper breaths. 698 00:28:21,525 --> 00:28:26,125 Right? , , I've learned to, to not scream 699 00:28:26,785 --> 00:28:28,605 my rage, but to go, what the fuck? 700 00:28:28,605 --> 00:28:30,205 Like everybody else does, right? Yeah. Yeah. 701 00:28:30,705 --> 00:28:33,965 But when I have noticed when the, the hormones are, 702 00:28:34,145 --> 00:28:36,565 are not balanced. 703 00:28:37,125 --> 00:28:39,045 . Mm-Hmm. , the rage is worse. 704 00:28:39,265 --> 00:28:41,925 And so pregnancy, oh my god. Oh my God. 705 00:28:42,085 --> 00:28:44,045 I looked, probably looked like I was frothing at the mouth 706 00:28:44,045 --> 00:28:45,205 if you'd looked in my windshield. 707 00:28:45,825 --> 00:28:46,885 Is that a control thing? 708 00:28:47,005 --> 00:28:48,845 I think sometimes, but also I think it's other things. 709 00:28:48,945 --> 00:28:53,485 So like, I don't know, being angry while you drive. 710 00:28:53,725 --> 00:28:56,765 I just feel like if, if we're gonna classify that as like a 711 00:28:57,325 --> 00:29:00,165 disordered thing, I'm thinking that person who's classifying 712 00:29:00,165 --> 00:29:02,005 that way has never driven on American 713 00:29:02,095 --> 00:29:03,095 - Roads. 714 00:29:03,095 --> 00:29:03,725 Well, you know, just say it. 715 00:29:04,485 --> 00:29:08,565 I I, I, when when you first said, you know, 716 00:29:08,565 --> 00:29:12,205 that this was part of, you know, about being in control, 717 00:29:14,105 --> 00:29:16,965 um, when you brought it up, I had to sit there and, 718 00:29:16,985 --> 00:29:19,885 and read what they described it as 719 00:29:19,885 --> 00:29:22,205 because, um, you know, I, um, 720 00:29:24,485 --> 00:29:25,605 I I've been known . 721 00:29:25,605 --> 00:29:28,685 I know. You know, and you know, I'm, I'm reading 722 00:29:28,685 --> 00:29:29,925 what they described there, 723 00:29:29,985 --> 00:29:31,365 and I'm like, okay, that's not me. 724 00:29:31,365 --> 00:29:32,525 That's not me. That's not me. 725 00:29:33,025 --> 00:29:35,925 Um, it's the stupid people. It's the 726 00:29:35,925 --> 00:29:36,925 - Stupid people. 727 00:29:36,925 --> 00:29:39,525 I, I know. I think there's something to be said 728 00:29:39,545 --> 00:29:41,485 for if you think everybody is a, 729 00:29:41,605 --> 00:29:42,765 a bigger dumb ass than you are. 730 00:29:42,955 --> 00:29:45,605 I've gotten I think, some humility as I've gotten older 731 00:29:45,605 --> 00:29:47,165 where I'm like, no, I'm also a dumb 732 00:29:47,225 --> 00:29:48,245 ass. Just in different ways. 733 00:29:48,525 --> 00:29:51,085 - . Well, you know, I, I mean, Mr. 734 00:29:51,175 --> 00:29:54,485 Spock made the comment, you know, Florida drivers, you know, 735 00:29:54,705 --> 00:29:56,085 and, and there is a certain truth to that. 736 00:29:56,245 --> 00:29:58,885 'cause you got, you know, if you think about it, the people 737 00:29:58,885 --> 00:30:01,925 who drive here in Florida are from everywhere in country. 738 00:30:01,925 --> 00:30:03,045 - Thank you. I was gonna point that out. 739 00:30:03,045 --> 00:30:04,605 We people complain about Florida drivers. 740 00:30:04,975 --> 00:30:07,325 We're got all y'all's drivers. Y'all came here. 741 00:30:07,325 --> 00:30:09,005 - Yeah. - Yeah. It's y'all. It's not us 742 00:30:09,115 --> 00:30:11,485 - From Michigan, New York, New Jersey, Penn. 743 00:30:11,485 --> 00:30:13,165 You know, they, they all congregate here. 744 00:30:13,495 --> 00:30:15,725 - Y'all, y'all are not sending your best is what 745 00:30:15,725 --> 00:30:16,725 - I'm saying. 746 00:30:16,725 --> 00:30:18,205 And, and nobody knows where the hell they're going. Right. 747 00:30:18,565 --> 00:30:20,685 and, yes. So that's 748 00:30:20,725 --> 00:30:21,725 - A whole other - . 749 00:30:21,725 --> 00:30:25,045 It, it, it, it, it, it. Yeah. It's woo . Yeah. 750 00:30:26,065 --> 00:30:29,485 - So there are, I think it's worth noting when 751 00:30:29,995 --> 00:30:33,885 controlling behavior can go to the side of unhealthy for you 752 00:30:34,105 --> 00:30:35,645 and the people in your lives. 753 00:30:35,785 --> 00:30:40,005 Of course, I'm not going to say that missives cannot display 754 00:30:40,005 --> 00:30:41,285 that kind of controlling behavior. 755 00:30:41,345 --> 00:30:43,285 Mm-Hmm. . But I think it's going 756 00:30:43,285 --> 00:30:45,845 to either look different or be clock different 757 00:30:45,905 --> 00:30:50,445 or be less often or not with a dominant partner, at least 758 00:30:50,445 --> 00:30:52,125 because of the nature of power exchange. 759 00:30:52,505 --> 00:30:55,125 If I get too ragey Mm-Hmm. 760 00:30:55,165 --> 00:30:56,165 , you shut that shit down 761 00:30:56,465 --> 00:30:57,645 in your daddy dom voice. 762 00:30:57,665 --> 00:30:58,885 Mm-Hmm. actually the voice. 763 00:30:58,915 --> 00:31:00,405 Like, not even your, not your daddy. 764 00:31:00,465 --> 00:31:02,525 Dom voice is kind of caring. Like, you still like me. 765 00:31:02,835 --> 00:31:05,045 Your dom voice is sort 766 00:31:05,045 --> 00:31:07,205 of a bitch shut up in a loving manner. 767 00:31:07,725 --> 00:31:09,045 , I know what the fuck he means. Right? 768 00:31:09,045 --> 00:31:12,525 Like, he's doing it for his sanity and my own good. Right? 769 00:31:12,915 --> 00:31:15,325 Like there's a, there's a, the tone, I get the tone. 770 00:31:15,785 --> 00:31:18,605 Um, so I think it's important to be aware 771 00:31:18,625 --> 00:31:21,405 of when control issues air quote that. 772 00:31:21,485 --> 00:31:25,005 'cause it's not really like a c like a verifiable term can 773 00:31:25,005 --> 00:31:26,685 cross the line, I would say 774 00:31:27,305 --> 00:31:29,045 to bring Doms into this discussion. 775 00:31:29,125 --> 00:31:32,165 I think it's gonna be more important and 776 00:31:32,385 --> 00:31:34,125 or easier pick Mm-Hmm. 777 00:31:34,165 --> 00:31:36,485 to clock that in a dominant, right. 778 00:31:36,515 --> 00:31:38,805 Because there's a difference between wanting to be 779 00:31:39,425 --> 00:31:41,245 in control, wanting to lead the relationship, wanting 780 00:31:41,265 --> 00:31:43,085 to have some level of power and control, 781 00:31:43,385 --> 00:31:46,005 and being controlling in a way 782 00:31:46,055 --> 00:31:47,885 where a partner is not thriving. 783 00:31:48,145 --> 00:31:49,205 And I think that mm-Hmm. 784 00:31:49,245 --> 00:31:50,325 has a better opportunity 785 00:31:50,325 --> 00:31:52,925 to happen on the dom side than the sub side. 786 00:31:53,105 --> 00:31:55,325 I'm not saying it doesn't happen to sub, it's just, 787 00:31:55,355 --> 00:31:56,645 it's different 'cause of power exchange. 788 00:31:57,265 --> 00:31:59,205 So all of that. Mm-Hmm. . 789 00:32:00,015 --> 00:32:01,965 Let's talk about me and control issues 790 00:32:02,285 --> 00:32:03,285 - . 791 00:32:03,285 --> 00:32:04,965 So now I have a question for you. Okay. Okay. 792 00:32:06,295 --> 00:32:09,085 Being someone who has control issues 793 00:32:09,705 --> 00:32:11,325 - For a variety of reasons. Yes. Okay. 794 00:32:11,345 --> 00:32:12,345 - Mm-Hmm. . - Mm-Hmm. , 795 00:32:13,185 --> 00:32:16,925 - How did you reconcile in your mind the fact 796 00:32:16,925 --> 00:32:19,365 that you are a submissive? 797 00:32:20,105 --> 00:32:24,365 - So I felt such a relief 798 00:32:24,875 --> 00:32:27,525 when I figured out, Hey, wait, I think I'm submissive. 799 00:32:27,525 --> 00:32:29,405 Like I, the kink thing is like 800 00:32:29,475 --> 00:32:30,965 hitting some buttons here and ooh. 801 00:32:30,965 --> 00:32:32,645 mm-Hmm. submission is making sense 802 00:32:32,645 --> 00:32:35,205 because I think that, 803 00:32:36,265 --> 00:32:37,605 and this is probably true for many people, 804 00:32:37,745 --> 00:32:39,350 so I'm not special when I say this, 805 00:32:39,350 --> 00:32:42,965 but I think that most of my control issues come from fear. 806 00:32:43,575 --> 00:32:46,085 Right. Fear of getting it wrong 807 00:32:46,465 --> 00:32:48,965 and being told I'm stupid. 808 00:32:49,155 --> 00:32:52,565 Fear of getting it wrong. And, um, as a, a broke ass bitch 809 00:32:52,585 --> 00:32:54,605 who at the time was raising children when we met, 810 00:32:54,835 --> 00:32:57,885 getting it wrong can be catastrophic when you are 811 00:32:57,955 --> 00:32:59,525 responsible for everybody in your life. 812 00:32:59,525 --> 00:33:01,365 Right? True. So my control is, 813 00:33:01,505 --> 00:33:05,405 and I had a 12 year relationship where if it didn't, 814 00:33:05,425 --> 00:33:07,885 if I didn't do it, it didn't get done. 815 00:33:08,225 --> 00:33:10,485 And I wasn't getting input from a partner. 816 00:33:10,665 --> 00:33:12,805 So there was no collaboration. It was just Hmm. 817 00:33:13,475 --> 00:33:16,485 Plow ahead, forge ahead, figure it out. Yeah. 818 00:33:16,845 --> 00:33:20,325 I would figure it out, get shit done, be unsupported. 819 00:33:20,325 --> 00:33:22,765 So by the time you got to me that some of 820 00:33:22,765 --> 00:33:24,765 that shit was like hard coded, right? 821 00:33:24,765 --> 00:33:26,365 Like, this is how we do shit 822 00:33:26,365 --> 00:33:27,365 because I'm a person 823 00:33:27,425 --> 00:33:30,085 who gets stuff done on her own independently. 824 00:33:30,235 --> 00:33:32,405 Like plaque just, oh my God. Yeah. Mm-Hmm. . 825 00:33:32,745 --> 00:33:36,405 So when I figured out I was submissive, right? 826 00:33:36,905 --> 00:33:39,485 It was such a relief to go, oh, I make sense. 827 00:33:39,485 --> 00:33:43,565 Because here's the thing. I had all my reasons that I kind 828 00:33:43,565 --> 00:33:46,285 of even then recognized for wanting to be in control. 829 00:33:46,305 --> 00:33:48,005 Mm-Hmm. . But I was exhausted. 830 00:33:48,585 --> 00:33:51,325 And I remember sitting on my couch post. 831 00:33:51,485 --> 00:33:54,165 I don't think the, no, yeah. The divorce was finalized. 832 00:33:54,325 --> 00:33:56,125 'cause we were living in a whole new place at that point. 833 00:33:56,945 --> 00:34:00,165 And I had kind of started dating, but not like much Mm-Hmm. 834 00:34:00,205 --> 00:34:02,005 . Like I was a single mom 835 00:34:02,005 --> 00:34:04,325 and the bio dad was like gone. 836 00:34:04,325 --> 00:34:06,525 Like, whatever the fuck he was doing, he was worthless. 837 00:34:07,425 --> 00:34:09,395 Um, and 838 00:34:09,415 --> 00:34:13,915 so I was sitting on my couch, I mean, in tears. 839 00:34:14,075 --> 00:34:15,835 I was so stressed out. I was so exhausted. 840 00:34:16,535 --> 00:34:19,635 And I was thinking two thoughts almost simultaneously. 841 00:34:19,635 --> 00:34:21,875 Mm-Hmm. . The first thought that hit first was, 842 00:34:21,995 --> 00:34:23,555 I just want somebody to take care of me. 843 00:34:23,855 --> 00:34:25,235 And this is before I figured out about kink. 844 00:34:25,375 --> 00:34:28,315 And then the very next thought was, oh my God, what kind 845 00:34:28,315 --> 00:34:30,675 of person am I to want somebody to take care of me? 846 00:34:30,675 --> 00:34:33,475 Because I'm a Gen X Xen. 847 00:34:33,705 --> 00:34:37,875 Like, I was raised by parents who were like, 848 00:34:38,135 --> 00:34:39,595 you better be an independent woman. 849 00:34:39,595 --> 00:34:41,195 Like, have your own money, have your own job. 850 00:34:41,205 --> 00:34:42,475 Don't depend on no damn man. 851 00:34:42,475 --> 00:34:44,075 And I was over here going, but I would like a 852 00:34:44,075 --> 00:34:45,115 man to depend on. 853 00:34:45,115 --> 00:34:47,995 Right. And before I could 854 00:34:49,535 --> 00:34:52,275 or articulate where that was coming from, that oh, mm-Hmm. 855 00:34:52,315 --> 00:34:53,715 , I have a submissive side 856 00:34:53,715 --> 00:34:56,235 and there's a part of me that wants this in a relationship. 857 00:34:57,175 --> 00:35:00,995 Um, I was giving control away 858 00:35:01,015 --> 00:35:04,755 or trying to give control away to anybody who kind of like, 859 00:35:05,835 --> 00:35:08,995 I thought I could, A boss was the easiest proxy 860 00:35:08,995 --> 00:35:11,035 because you're supposed to listen to your boss. 861 00:35:11,035 --> 00:35:12,595 Yeah. You're supposed to do what they like. 862 00:35:12,915 --> 00:35:17,515 I mean, I am glad I don't work in 21st century 863 00:35:17,745 --> 00:35:18,795 corporate America, 864 00:35:19,055 --> 00:35:20,675 but also there's a little bit more 865 00:35:20,675 --> 00:35:22,035 of a pushback than there ever was. 866 00:35:23,065 --> 00:35:26,435 Yeah. You know, 15, 20 years ago. Mm-Hmm. 867 00:35:26,475 --> 00:35:30,755 or plus. But, um, so I would give away, 868 00:35:30,955 --> 00:35:33,275 I would try to give away that some of that control and power 869 00:35:33,335 --> 00:35:35,595 and let the wrong people lead. 870 00:35:36,375 --> 00:35:37,405 Now you're kind of supposed 871 00:35:37,405 --> 00:35:38,965 to let your boss lead, that's why they're the boss. 872 00:35:38,985 --> 00:35:41,005 But sometimes a shitty ass boss should not be 873 00:35:41,005 --> 00:35:42,165 leading no damn body not be leading. 874 00:35:42,165 --> 00:35:43,285 Right. And you get your ass outta there 875 00:35:43,285 --> 00:35:44,325 and go try to find another job. 876 00:35:44,325 --> 00:35:46,805 Yeah. And I would be like, but this I don't have, 877 00:35:46,885 --> 00:35:48,165 I don't have to think I just have to do. 878 00:35:48,345 --> 00:35:50,605 And when I'm allowed to think it's within my own talents, 879 00:35:50,605 --> 00:35:53,805 it's within the things I'm good at where I thrive at getting 880 00:35:53,825 --> 00:35:55,445 to go, Hey, I think we should do this. 881 00:35:55,445 --> 00:36:00,405 Right. , and I would have loved to have, I think been 882 00:36:00,405 --> 00:36:02,725 that way with my first husband, 883 00:36:03,345 --> 00:36:05,085 but he proved pretty fucking quickly. 884 00:36:05,105 --> 00:36:06,925 Mm-Hmm. that not only was he not worthy of it, 885 00:36:06,925 --> 00:36:07,925 he couldn't fucking handle it. 886 00:36:08,035 --> 00:36:09,845 Like he was a lost little sheep . 887 00:36:09,845 --> 00:36:11,285 And I had to step up. 888 00:36:11,785 --> 00:36:14,365 Let me say again, if I didn't do it, it didn't get done. 889 00:36:14,365 --> 00:36:15,765 It didn't get done. Yeah. 890 00:36:15,765 --> 00:36:17,165 So, but then he pushed back 891 00:36:17,165 --> 00:36:18,845 and hated the fact that I had all that control 892 00:36:18,845 --> 00:36:21,285 because with that control came authority, 893 00:36:21,725 --> 00:36:23,205 I had fucking strong opinions. 894 00:36:23,205 --> 00:36:24,205 Mm-Hmm. . And I was like, this 895 00:36:24,205 --> 00:36:24,965 is what we need to do. 896 00:36:25,025 --> 00:36:26,285 And he would get pissed about it. 897 00:36:26,285 --> 00:36:28,045 And I'm like, well, what's your suggestion? 898 00:36:28,045 --> 00:36:31,245 And I'd get a uno. Well, till you come up with something. 899 00:36:32,115 --> 00:36:34,645 This is the way, this is what, and he did not appreciate it. 900 00:36:34,665 --> 00:36:36,525 And there's many reasons why we're not married anymore. 901 00:36:36,525 --> 00:36:41,085 Yeah. But I, I, so I didn't really have to reconcile, 902 00:36:41,315 --> 00:36:43,005 wait, I have control issues. 903 00:36:43,225 --> 00:36:44,965 Mm-Hmm. . And I'm submissive 904 00:36:45,055 --> 00:36:46,285 until I was submitting. 905 00:36:46,785 --> 00:36:48,605 And my first relationship was long distance. 906 00:36:48,605 --> 00:36:50,365 And it was the fun, it was the fuckery 907 00:36:50,365 --> 00:36:51,445 kind of relationship there. 908 00:36:51,655 --> 00:36:53,485 There wasn't as much of the emotional 909 00:36:53,945 --> 00:36:56,005 and mental kind of connection that you 910 00:36:56,065 --> 00:36:57,445 and I go through Okay. 911 00:36:57,585 --> 00:36:59,365 As being a long-term relationship. 912 00:36:59,365 --> 00:37:01,485 And for us, a lot of our power exchanges more mental 913 00:37:01,505 --> 00:37:02,565 and emotional anyway. 914 00:37:02,965 --> 00:37:04,405 'cause there ain't a lot of time to play. 915 00:37:04,865 --> 00:37:06,565 But giving up control and play was, 916 00:37:06,955 --> 00:37:09,405 once I felt like I could trust a person that was way easier 917 00:37:09,525 --> 00:37:10,925 because shit was being done to me. 918 00:37:11,105 --> 00:37:15,005 And I already knew I don't do control behind closed doors. 919 00:37:15,085 --> 00:37:16,245 I don't even know how to, like, 920 00:37:16,625 --> 00:37:17,885 the brain does not work that way. 921 00:37:19,035 --> 00:37:21,205 Outside of that. It was you 922 00:37:21,305 --> 00:37:25,085 and I probably when we moved in together, 923 00:37:25,085 --> 00:37:29,645 because while we were long distance, the the lines of 924 00:37:29,695 --> 00:37:33,525 where you got control over things were very clear, 925 00:37:33,675 --> 00:37:36,485 like super clear because you couldn't have control 926 00:37:36,515 --> 00:37:37,685 over everything in my life. 927 00:37:37,705 --> 00:37:38,845 We didn't live together. Right. 928 00:37:38,845 --> 00:37:40,605 We weren't in the same time zone. Sure. 929 00:37:40,605 --> 00:37:42,205 Like it was complicated. Mm-Hmm. 930 00:37:42,245 --> 00:37:43,845 once we moved in together 931 00:37:44,305 --> 00:37:46,165 and, you know, you had to lecture me about 932 00:37:46,835 --> 00:37:48,045 loading dishwashers. 933 00:37:48,915 --> 00:37:51,365 That is sort of when I was confronted with it, 934 00:37:52,425 --> 00:37:55,445 but I was still feeling the relief. 935 00:37:55,665 --> 00:37:57,885 Mm-Hmm. of having a supportive partner 936 00:37:58,555 --> 00:38:00,405 that I could kind of let go with 937 00:38:00,405 --> 00:38:03,265 and go, I don't, I don't have to make a decision. 938 00:38:04,105 --> 00:38:06,465 'cause for me, the, 939 00:38:06,725 --> 00:38:09,705 the control issues are not necessarily about 940 00:38:09,705 --> 00:38:11,105 making a final decision. 941 00:38:11,205 --> 00:38:13,545 Mm-Hmm. . Um, there are times I have very 942 00:38:14,165 --> 00:38:15,225 strong thoughts 943 00:38:15,225 --> 00:38:17,745 and strong opinions on what I think should happen. 944 00:38:18,525 --> 00:38:22,305 But most of the time, you know me, I get into analysis per 945 00:38:22,825 --> 00:38:24,825 analysis paralysis real easy 946 00:38:24,855 --> 00:38:28,705 because I am so desperate to make the, 947 00:38:28,705 --> 00:38:30,185 the air quote right choice 948 00:38:30,615 --> 00:38:32,265 that I then can't make a choice at all. 949 00:38:32,525 --> 00:38:33,825 Or there are too many options 950 00:38:33,825 --> 00:38:35,765 that I can see are all perfectly 951 00:38:35,765 --> 00:38:37,085 fine and reasonable options. 952 00:38:37,105 --> 00:38:39,325 But which one is the best perfect option 953 00:38:39,875 --> 00:38:41,125 when I'm confronted with that? 954 00:38:41,125 --> 00:38:42,765 Mm-Hmm. , I can't do anything 955 00:38:42,825 --> 00:38:44,085 and then I procrastinate forever 956 00:38:44,505 --> 00:38:45,845 and shit doesn't happen or whatever. 957 00:38:45,985 --> 00:38:48,325 So it's not that I wanted to make decisions, 958 00:38:48,685 --> 00:38:49,925 I just wanted shit to be done 959 00:38:52,385 --> 00:38:54,885 my way slash the way I believed was Right. 960 00:38:54,885 --> 00:38:58,485 Because the things being done that way, that was safety. 961 00:38:59,015 --> 00:39:01,605 Right. I knew what the outcome should be. Mm-Hmm. 962 00:39:01,645 --> 00:39:02,765 . Right. I knew how to do it. 963 00:39:02,805 --> 00:39:04,045 I didn't have to learn new skills and, 964 00:39:04,145 --> 00:39:06,525 and feel, um, out of my depth 965 00:39:06,705 --> 00:39:10,485 or feel insecure in any way. 966 00:39:10,675 --> 00:39:13,165 Okay. But making the decisions, oh, 967 00:39:13,535 --> 00:39:17,645 after my entire fucking adult life, from the age of 19 968 00:39:19,255 --> 00:39:23,685 until I shed a couple hundred pounds overnight, thanks 969 00:39:23,705 --> 00:39:26,405 to the judge, um, I had 970 00:39:26,405 --> 00:39:27,685 to make decisions every moment of every day. 971 00:39:27,685 --> 00:39:29,485 There was no Mm-Hmm. . Right. 972 00:39:29,545 --> 00:39:32,125 So that's why it was real easy when I have a boss 973 00:39:32,345 --> 00:39:33,805 who did I should not have worked for. 974 00:39:33,825 --> 00:39:36,805 He was shit. But I, I would follow him. 975 00:39:36,865 --> 00:39:38,525 He was making the decisions. I just had to do 976 00:39:38,525 --> 00:39:41,325 what I was told that was I could, I had to do 977 00:39:41,325 --> 00:39:43,885 what I was told, but I had the freedom to do it my way 978 00:39:43,905 --> 00:39:45,405 to get to the outcome that the boss wanted. 979 00:39:45,505 --> 00:39:48,485 Huh. After, after a while, like there came, you know, 980 00:39:49,025 --> 00:39:50,765 in some jobs there's micromanaging 981 00:39:50,765 --> 00:39:52,205 where you can only do it in, in Mm-Hmm. 982 00:39:52,245 --> 00:39:53,525 . Mm-Hmm. that I had jobs where I 983 00:39:53,525 --> 00:39:54,685 literally wrote the rule book. 984 00:39:54,685 --> 00:39:56,885 Nobody had done my job there before. Gotcha. 985 00:39:57,025 --> 00:39:58,125 So I had that control, 986 00:39:58,145 --> 00:39:59,525 but I didn't have to make the decisions. 987 00:39:59,665 --> 00:40:01,325 And I think for me, that's the difference. 988 00:40:01,965 --> 00:40:05,205 I love that you're the decider for a few reasons. 989 00:40:05,465 --> 00:40:08,765 One, you don't have to, we don't function with my like, 990 00:40:08,765 --> 00:40:10,165 inability to just pick one. 991 00:40:10,445 --> 00:40:13,285 'cause I'm trying to pick the perfect best right one. 992 00:40:13,285 --> 00:40:16,325 Mm-Hmm. , um, two, I trust you. 993 00:40:16,605 --> 00:40:19,245 I can't let somebody I tr don't trust make decisions for me. 994 00:40:19,245 --> 00:40:21,365 That's n that's not a fucking allowed to happen 995 00:40:21,395 --> 00:40:22,725 because it's a safety thing. 996 00:40:23,385 --> 00:40:24,965 But before we ever moved in together, 997 00:40:25,105 --> 00:40:27,205 and then once we did move in together, it was solidified. 998 00:40:27,565 --> 00:40:29,885 I could trust you. I might not always 999 00:40:30,015 --> 00:40:31,725 understand a decision you made. 1000 00:40:32,665 --> 00:40:35,125 Or even we've been very fortunate. 1001 00:40:35,245 --> 00:40:36,405 I don't think you've ever made a decision. 1002 00:40:36,485 --> 00:40:39,005 I didn't fully agree. I didn't agree with to some degree. 1003 00:40:39,025 --> 00:40:41,165 Mm-Hmm. . Because when I don't agree 1004 00:40:41,165 --> 00:40:43,285 with you fully, we will continue debating it. 1005 00:40:43,285 --> 00:40:45,645 Right. Right. We'll continue having the discussion. Sure. 1006 00:40:45,785 --> 00:40:47,485 And I think that makes it easier too. Mm-Hmm. 1007 00:40:47,525 --> 00:40:49,845 , you don't unilaterally make big 1008 00:40:49,875 --> 00:40:51,325 life changing decisions. 1009 00:40:51,825 --> 00:40:53,405 No. Without my buy-in, 1010 00:40:53,725 --> 00:40:55,125 - I, I I try not to. 1011 00:40:55,525 --> 00:40:58,925 I mean, you know, regardless of the fact that I am the one 1012 00:41:00,555 --> 00:41:02,245 that makes the final decision. 1013 00:41:02,495 --> 00:41:05,645 - Right. - I wanna know all 1014 00:41:05,645 --> 00:41:06,765 the facts of what I'm dealing with. 1015 00:41:06,815 --> 00:41:09,085 - Right. Because the nice thing, the good thing about you, 1016 00:41:09,085 --> 00:41:11,285 the nice thing about you, the thing that keeps me submitting 1017 00:41:11,285 --> 00:41:13,365 through all of these fucking control issues, , is 1018 00:41:13,365 --> 00:41:14,685 that you take responsibility for it. 1019 00:41:14,745 --> 00:41:17,605 If you decide, uh, we go a path 1020 00:41:17,605 --> 00:41:18,765 and you're like, this was my decision. 1021 00:41:18,765 --> 00:41:21,205 Mm-Hmm. , even with all my input, if it goes 1022 00:41:21,265 --> 00:41:23,725 to shit, you take responsibility for it. 1023 00:41:23,745 --> 00:41:27,565 Now, the part of me that is like super submissive to you 1024 00:41:27,625 --> 00:41:29,885 and wants you to have all of the things you've ever wanted 1025 00:41:30,105 --> 00:41:31,165 and to never have a moment 1026 00:41:31,165 --> 00:41:34,245 of strife in your whole fucking life, will fall 1027 00:41:34,305 --> 00:41:38,205 to pieces at the idea that you think you fucked up , 1028 00:41:39,035 --> 00:41:41,485 even though you were the decider 1029 00:41:41,545 --> 00:41:42,925 and that was not the right decision. 1030 00:41:43,325 --> 00:41:45,485 I will fall on my proverbial sword 1031 00:41:46,105 --> 00:41:48,525 and try to take all of the responsibility and blame. 1032 00:41:48,525 --> 00:41:51,485 That's not good either. No , but I don't, 1033 00:41:51,825 --> 00:41:54,125 - No, it's not, not healthy - . 1034 00:41:54,625 --> 00:41:56,205 No. I'm sure 1035 00:41:56,725 --> 00:41:58,005 a mental health professional 1036 00:41:58,005 --> 00:41:59,205 would have a field day with all that. 1037 00:41:59,665 --> 00:42:03,245 Um, but yeah, that for me, there's, there's kind 1038 00:42:03,245 --> 00:42:04,365 of two sides to it. 1039 00:42:04,365 --> 00:42:06,405 There's the doing of the thing. Mm-Hmm. 1040 00:42:06,445 --> 00:42:08,645 , there's the decisions that have to be made 1041 00:42:09,315 --> 00:42:13,245 handing control to a person I trust of the decision making 1042 00:42:13,985 --> 00:42:15,405 was a fucking relief. 1043 00:42:15,585 --> 00:42:17,525 Now, I couldn't have done it to just anybody. 1044 00:42:17,675 --> 00:42:19,925 Part of it is, it's a, 1045 00:42:20,285 --> 00:42:21,445 I don't know how to best describe this. 1046 00:42:21,475 --> 00:42:23,165 It's a vibe, it's a feeling. Mm-Hmm. . 1047 00:42:23,395 --> 00:42:25,245 It's before we even had the opportunity 1048 00:42:25,245 --> 00:42:26,445 for you to make a lot of decisions. 1049 00:42:27,005 --> 00:42:29,205 I had that feeling with you, that 1050 00:42:29,985 --> 00:42:31,925 one you'd probably make pretty good fucking decisions. 1051 00:42:32,625 --> 00:42:34,485 And two, I already knew through experience, 1052 00:42:34,505 --> 00:42:35,565 you would listen to me. 1053 00:42:35,625 --> 00:42:36,805 And that was the only thing I ever wanted. 1054 00:42:37,085 --> 00:42:39,365 I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to be part of that process, 1055 00:42:40,185 --> 00:42:41,685 but to have the weight 1056 00:42:41,685 --> 00:42:43,405 of the responsibility of the final decision. 1057 00:42:43,715 --> 00:42:47,205 Yeah. If you were waiting for me to be a decider, there are 1058 00:42:47,205 --> 00:42:48,485 so many things that would never have happened. 1059 00:42:48,485 --> 00:42:52,245 Because I do that thing of here are my, my choices 1060 00:42:52,345 --> 00:42:53,405 and here are the ways we could go. 1061 00:42:53,405 --> 00:42:55,565 But which one is the exact perfect Right one. 1062 00:42:55,785 --> 00:42:58,645 And when I don't know, I will, 1063 00:42:58,765 --> 00:43:00,765 I wait till the absolute last minute to make a decision. 1064 00:43:00,785 --> 00:43:02,245 And then it's a rush decision. Right. 1065 00:43:03,065 --> 00:43:05,965 And then I question my decision, like it would never work. 1066 00:43:05,965 --> 00:43:07,525 Mm-Hmm. . So if you didn't already have 1067 00:43:07,525 --> 00:43:09,325 that ability, we would've been fucked up. 1068 00:43:09,675 --> 00:43:11,965 We'd have been screwed over. But you do have that ability. 1069 00:43:12,105 --> 00:43:15,885 And, and then on top of that, over time, I 1070 00:43:16,635 --> 00:43:17,965 learned very clearly 1071 00:43:18,225 --> 00:43:19,925 and fairly quickly you were gonna listen to me. 1072 00:43:19,925 --> 00:43:22,525 Mm-Hmm. , you respected my opinions. Mm-Hmm. 1073 00:43:22,565 --> 00:43:23,965 , you could compromise. 1074 00:43:23,995 --> 00:43:26,285 Like there are times neither one 1075 00:43:26,285 --> 00:43:28,045 of us gets everything we want. 1076 00:43:28,065 --> 00:43:29,085 No. We have to make a decision. 1077 00:43:29,275 --> 00:43:31,245 Sometimes you bend more than I do. 1078 00:43:31,245 --> 00:43:33,485 Sometimes I bend more than you do. Mm-Hmm. 1079 00:43:33,525 --> 00:43:35,485 the thing that, we haven't dealt 1080 00:43:35,485 --> 00:43:37,565 with it in years, but I remember this kind 1081 00:43:37,565 --> 00:43:38,645 of early days of living together. 1082 00:43:39,125 --> 00:43:40,365 I remember having to come to you 1083 00:43:40,365 --> 00:43:42,325 and go, Hey, in the past, like 1084 00:43:42,405 --> 00:43:44,085 however many decisions you've had to make 1085 00:43:44,085 --> 00:43:46,725 where we didn't agree fully, I feel like I'm bending more. 1086 00:43:46,845 --> 00:43:48,765 I feel like I'm compromising more. Mm-Hmm. . 1087 00:43:48,905 --> 00:43:51,645 And we could both agree that neither one of us was 1088 00:43:52,365 --> 00:43:53,975 perfectly right or perfectly wrong. 1089 00:43:54,195 --> 00:43:55,415 It wasn't like you made a decision 1090 00:43:55,415 --> 00:43:57,055 because I was like a dumb ass. 1091 00:43:57,055 --> 00:43:58,295 You didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. 1092 00:43:58,555 --> 00:44:00,535 It was more like you felt more strongly 1093 00:44:00,705 --> 00:44:02,695 about your perspective. 1094 00:44:03,475 --> 00:44:05,735 And as the decider, that was the path we went down. 1095 00:44:06,075 --> 00:44:09,775 And then I, because you are a safe person to do this with, 1096 00:44:09,775 --> 00:44:12,015 and you earned my trust and you are consistent. 1097 00:44:12,275 --> 00:44:15,095 All the things we like in a good dom just saying, um, 1098 00:44:15,535 --> 00:44:16,855 I could go to you safely 1099 00:44:17,235 --> 00:44:21,615 and go, Hey, I feel like I'm giving in a a lot more. 1100 00:44:21,925 --> 00:44:25,375 This, this is not, this is not, it's never fully even, 1101 00:44:25,395 --> 00:44:26,655 but it didn't feel balanced. 1102 00:44:26,655 --> 00:44:28,775 Right. Like it was, it was off kilter 1103 00:44:29,485 --> 00:44:31,205 more in your favor than mine. 1104 00:44:31,205 --> 00:44:33,645 And it, it was bothering me eventually. 1105 00:44:33,645 --> 00:44:36,045 Because the thing is, is being submissive 1106 00:44:36,835 --> 00:44:38,485 does not mean I do not have opinions. 1107 00:44:38,485 --> 00:44:40,525 Right. Does not mean I don't think there's a correct way 1108 00:44:40,525 --> 00:44:42,645 to do things regardless of control issues. 1109 00:44:42,645 --> 00:44:43,885 Mm-Hmm. , yes. With control issues. 1110 00:44:44,085 --> 00:44:45,805 I definitely think there's probably a right way. 1111 00:44:46,225 --> 00:44:48,125 And if I think I know that right way, 1112 00:44:48,545 --> 00:44:49,765 you are gonna know that. 1113 00:44:49,845 --> 00:44:51,485 I know that. I think there's a right way. 1114 00:44:52,345 --> 00:44:56,685 But, you know, I lost my train of thought. Sorry. 1115 00:44:56,985 --> 00:44:59,925 Um, sorry. Just It's okay. 1116 00:45:00,025 --> 00:45:02,645 The, the brain went blank. Yep. 1117 00:45:03,545 --> 00:45:05,685 - So - Yeah. Gimme back on track please. 1118 00:45:05,905 --> 00:45:06,965 All right. Sorry, y'all 1119 00:45:07,605 --> 00:45:12,165 - , now that we have been in, 1120 00:45:12,265 --> 00:45:14,725 in our power exchange relationship 1121 00:45:14,945 --> 00:45:17,485 for x number of years, 1122 00:45:17,905 --> 00:45:18,925 - So many years Mm-Hmm. 1123 00:45:18,965 --> 00:45:21,885 - , how has that 1124 00:45:23,845 --> 00:45:26,845 affected your control issues? 1125 00:45:28,545 --> 00:45:32,365 - So I think , you might disagree with me 1126 00:45:34,155 --> 00:45:36,725 because I don't know what it's like externally 1127 00:45:36,745 --> 00:45:40,365 to experience me, but internally it's very noisy. 1128 00:45:40,365 --> 00:45:42,565 There's many hamsters on many wheels up here. 1129 00:45:43,465 --> 00:45:47,445 Um, I feel like I am calmer about them. 1130 00:45:48,195 --> 00:45:51,685 - Okay. - I, you know, that, 1131 00:45:51,725 --> 00:45:54,405 I definitely still think there's a right way 1132 00:45:54,405 --> 00:45:56,525 to do some things and then that's not Right. Right. 1133 00:45:56,705 --> 00:45:59,165 - That's so right. Yeah. - And when we're, 1134 00:45:59,165 --> 00:46:00,485 there's certain things we just, 1135 00:46:00,505 --> 00:46:01,805 we haven't finished our discussion 1136 00:46:01,805 --> 00:46:03,365 because I tried to have a discussion when you were getting 1137 00:46:03,365 --> 00:46:05,485 sick and that was a bad time to have this discussion. 1138 00:46:05,945 --> 00:46:07,645 And we were not immediately on the same page. 1139 00:46:07,645 --> 00:46:09,245 Had we been on the same page, we could have had this 1140 00:46:09,245 --> 00:46:10,445 discussion probably we were trying 1141 00:46:10,445 --> 00:46:11,965 to have a conversation about parenting. 1142 00:46:11,965 --> 00:46:14,045 The youngest who's going through some shit 1143 00:46:14,225 --> 00:46:16,205 and the therapist was like, Hey, I suggest this. 1144 00:46:16,905 --> 00:46:19,925 We did not immediately agree on how that should be handled. 1145 00:46:20,385 --> 00:46:23,525 We agreed on the outcome. We could not agree yet on how to 1146 00:46:23,525 --> 00:46:24,525 - Get there, on how to get there. 1147 00:46:24,525 --> 00:46:25,805 You're you're correct right 1148 00:46:25,805 --> 00:46:26,805 - Now. 1149 00:46:26,805 --> 00:46:28,525 Yes. And, and the way now parenting is the one place, 1150 00:46:28,585 --> 00:46:31,565 our power exchange, I can't say it doesn't touch it 1151 00:46:31,565 --> 00:46:34,925 because my desire to 1152 00:46:35,945 --> 00:46:37,205 let you lead Mm-Hmm. 1153 00:46:37,245 --> 00:46:39,045 will bleed through even when Mm-Hmm. 1154 00:46:39,085 --> 00:46:43,165 , the only time it won't is in parenting 1155 00:46:43,825 --> 00:46:46,205 is when I fundamentally disagree with a thing. 1156 00:46:46,205 --> 00:46:48,005 Like I just see it differently. Mm-Hmm. 1157 00:46:48,045 --> 00:46:49,325 it doesn't mean I think he's wrong. 1158 00:46:49,425 --> 00:46:52,405 It means that I, my brain is not on board with 1159 00:46:52,405 --> 00:46:53,405 - That. 1160 00:46:53,405 --> 00:46:54,565 I mean, you need, you need to understand something with me. 1161 00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:59,605 It is a fact of unlearning a whole shit load. Mm-Hmm. 1162 00:46:59,645 --> 00:47:01,165 of not so good stuff. 1163 00:47:01,215 --> 00:47:03,325 - Right. And I'm, I'm unlearning too. Mm-Hmm. 1164 00:47:03,325 --> 00:47:06,365 But I've been unlearning for longer than I have longer 1165 00:47:06,365 --> 00:47:08,525 because I started when the kids were very Yeah. 1166 00:47:08,525 --> 00:47:11,685 Young with this. Yeah. So yeah. 1167 00:47:11,695 --> 00:47:14,005 We're not, we're not on an even playing 1168 00:47:14,015 --> 00:47:15,125 field yet with this Mm-Hmm. 1169 00:47:15,165 --> 00:47:18,925 . And I've been, I started, like, 1170 00:47:18,925 --> 00:47:21,685 for the youngest, I started suspecting at least the autism 1171 00:47:22,005 --> 00:47:24,725 spectrum disorder and certainly God, the anxiety long 1172 00:47:24,725 --> 00:47:26,245 before he ever got an official diagnosis. 1173 00:47:26,245 --> 00:47:27,525 Right. So I started trying to learn 1174 00:47:27,985 --> 00:47:29,885 and adapt to that regardless of 1175 00:47:29,885 --> 00:47:31,125 what the official diagnosis was. 1176 00:47:31,125 --> 00:47:34,485 Mm-Hmm. . And you were kind of behind me in 1177 00:47:34,485 --> 00:47:35,925 that journey. 1178 00:47:36,145 --> 00:47:38,645 And so you're still kind of catching up there too. Yeah. 1179 00:47:38,725 --> 00:47:39,845 - I mean the an, the anxiety 1180 00:47:39,985 --> 00:47:41,445 - Was very, we just all lived with it. 1181 00:47:41,525 --> 00:47:43,845 very obvious. Right. You know that, so Yeah. 1182 00:47:43,945 --> 00:47:46,925 But all that means is that in parenting, 1183 00:47:46,925 --> 00:47:51,405 that is the one time where, when, even though my, 1184 00:47:52,865 --> 00:47:55,845 the way I want I just naturally gravitate towards is 1185 00:47:55,845 --> 00:47:57,165 to go, what does daddy wanna do? 1186 00:47:57,165 --> 00:47:59,845 Mm-Hmm. That's what we'll do. It's real clear, you know, 1187 00:47:59,845 --> 00:48:02,245 real, real quick if I agree with you or, or if I don't. 1188 00:48:02,275 --> 00:48:07,005 Sure. Because I, there, I mean, look, look, look, 1189 00:48:08,355 --> 00:48:11,725 it's would be very rare for anybody other than JB 1190 00:48:11,785 --> 00:48:14,805 to know when I'm being submissive most of the time. 1191 00:48:15,205 --> 00:48:18,765 , I mean, on the outside looking in for most people, 1192 00:48:19,225 --> 00:48:20,485 you'll, you'll never pick up on it. 1193 00:48:20,555 --> 00:48:23,605 It's fine. JB can tell usually. Right? 1194 00:48:23,675 --> 00:48:26,565 Like, even when I don't sound like it, he knows. Mm-Hmm. 1195 00:48:26,605 --> 00:48:29,925 because he knows me. But when I have 1196 00:48:31,245 --> 00:48:35,645 a very firm opinion about how either, how something needs 1197 00:48:35,645 --> 00:48:37,885 to happen or is not allowed to happen, 1198 00:48:38,085 --> 00:48:39,205 I will not co-sign that. 1199 00:48:39,205 --> 00:48:41,525 Right. It's, it's clear 1200 00:48:41,625 --> 00:48:45,405 to everybody is clear from the moon looking down like 1201 00:48:45,845 --> 00:48:48,565 , it's clear from another galaxy. 1202 00:48:48,565 --> 00:48:50,565 Like you just know, oh no, Kayla, 1203 00:48:50,955 --> 00:48:52,965 Kayla's got, got a, an opinion. 1204 00:48:53,185 --> 00:48:54,245 And it's okay to have an opinion. 1205 00:48:54,305 --> 00:48:56,005 You can have opinions while having control issues. 1206 00:48:56,065 --> 00:48:57,965 But if this is the part where I'm not submissive 1207 00:48:57,985 --> 00:48:59,245 and never will be submissive. 1208 00:48:59,265 --> 00:49:02,125 Mm-Hmm. . Even if I try to gravitate towards 1209 00:49:02,125 --> 00:49:05,605 that, then I'm also going to have, 1210 00:49:05,715 --> 00:49:08,405 because of my nature, I'm gonna have a very, 1211 00:49:09,965 --> 00:49:12,045 I don't have a clear opinion about how we do a thing. 1212 00:49:12,045 --> 00:49:13,965 Mm-Hmm. . But I have a very clear opinion about 1213 00:49:14,115 --> 00:49:17,205 what I do and don't expect and what I will and won't accept. 1214 00:49:17,355 --> 00:49:19,725 Like there's like, like the way 1215 00:49:19,885 --> 00:49:22,085 that conversation went at the, at 1216 00:49:22,085 --> 00:49:24,445 that moment there was no room for compromise for me. 1217 00:49:24,605 --> 00:49:26,125 I was like that that is, I find 1218 00:49:26,125 --> 00:49:27,325 that fundamentally incorrect. 1219 00:49:28,065 --> 00:49:32,845 Is it? Probably not. It's just that was the first reaction. 1220 00:49:32,985 --> 00:49:34,725 Mm-Hmm. . But because we couldn't, 1221 00:49:34,825 --> 00:49:36,525 we weren't immediately on the same page 1222 00:49:37,945 --> 00:49:39,605 and we would have kind of tried 1223 00:49:39,605 --> 00:49:41,045 to go in completely different directions 1224 00:49:41,045 --> 00:49:43,165 and control the situation in different ways. 1225 00:49:43,265 --> 00:49:45,485 We had to table that conversation until you were well sure. 1226 00:49:45,485 --> 00:49:46,525 And we just haven't gone back to it. 1227 00:49:46,905 --> 00:49:50,765 But other times I sometimes 1228 00:49:50,825 --> 00:49:55,485 to my own detriment, I will go. 1229 00:49:55,635 --> 00:49:58,765 It's just easier if I go, okay, let's do what daddy says. 1230 00:49:59,555 --> 00:50:01,405 Even when I do have opinions. 1231 00:50:01,795 --> 00:50:04,165 Because sometimes it's a thing that is very, 1232 00:50:04,165 --> 00:50:05,525 well see I like rules. 1233 00:50:05,845 --> 00:50:08,165 'cause if I know what the rules, so assuming I agree 1234 00:50:08,165 --> 00:50:10,885 with them, I like rules because if I know what the rules are 1235 00:50:10,905 --> 00:50:13,525 and I follow them, then I'm air quote doing the right thing. 1236 00:50:14,025 --> 00:50:17,245 Is all of that actually true? And how life works? No. 1237 00:50:17,245 --> 00:50:19,245 But that's what my brain does. That's what my brain says. 1238 00:50:19,445 --> 00:50:21,645 I like to know what I'm supposed to do when 1239 00:50:22,065 --> 00:50:23,285 and in what order, 1240 00:50:23,435 --> 00:50:26,605 because then I just feel better about moving 1241 00:50:26,605 --> 00:50:27,885 through this thing we call life. 1242 00:50:28,145 --> 00:50:31,485 So there are times when it is a thing 1243 00:50:31,485 --> 00:50:33,165 that is well within our power exchange. 1244 00:50:33,185 --> 00:50:35,845 Mm-Hmm. , I, I will have clear opinions 1245 00:50:35,945 --> 00:50:38,525 and I won't say anything and you're the decider 1246 00:50:38,525 --> 00:50:41,405 and I will follow your lead because that's what I want. 1247 00:50:41,465 --> 00:50:43,365 And because I know most 1248 00:50:43,545 --> 00:50:45,965 of the time I'm gonna agree with you anyway. 1249 00:50:45,965 --> 00:50:47,165 Mm-Hmm. . Now my, 1250 00:50:47,465 --> 00:50:49,605 the thing I've learned over time, my quick 1251 00:50:50,665 --> 00:50:51,725 gut and head check. 1252 00:50:51,745 --> 00:50:53,485 Mm-Hmm. because the control 1253 00:50:53,485 --> 00:50:54,605 issues, they live there. 1254 00:50:54,605 --> 00:50:56,845 They haven't gone away. They're, they exist. 1255 00:50:57,205 --> 00:50:59,965 , it goes back to the thing I said at the beginning, 1256 00:50:59,995 --> 00:51:01,965 it's your voice in my head going, 1257 00:51:03,145 --> 00:51:04,285 do we want the same outcome? 1258 00:51:04,285 --> 00:51:06,045 Are we gonna get to the same outcome? Mm-Hmm. . 1259 00:51:06,225 --> 00:51:09,125 So sometimes it's sort of this innate, I'm just submitting 1260 00:51:09,125 --> 00:51:10,405 and it feels really good to submit. 1261 00:51:10,405 --> 00:51:11,405 Yeah. And I'm just gonna, 1262 00:51:11,475 --> 00:51:12,765 okay, yes, daddy, whatever you want. 1263 00:51:12,765 --> 00:51:16,085 Right. And sometimes it's 30 extra seconds to go. 1264 00:51:17,345 --> 00:51:18,325 Are we getting to the same 1265 00:51:18,325 --> 00:51:19,765 outcome regardless of how we do it? 1266 00:51:20,065 --> 00:51:23,205 Can I live with this? Does this feel wrong? 1267 00:51:23,205 --> 00:51:25,005 Like, you know me, I do a lot. Mm-Hmm. 1268 00:51:25,045 --> 00:51:26,205 for all that. I try to be really 1269 00:51:26,205 --> 00:51:27,645 analytical and really logical. 1270 00:51:28,385 --> 00:51:32,245 Uh, I do sort of just go on vibe sometimes. Right? True. 1271 00:51:32,245 --> 00:51:34,965 True. Like, outwardly, the response is based on the vibe. 1272 00:51:35,365 --> 00:51:38,005 Inwardly, where the hamsters are on the wheel, there's a lot 1273 00:51:38,005 --> 00:51:40,925 of analysis and, and air quote logic going on. 1274 00:51:41,515 --> 00:51:45,925 Okay. So , I'll, I'll give myself 1275 00:51:45,925 --> 00:51:47,365 that extra 30 seconds to kind 1276 00:51:47,365 --> 00:51:49,645 of go, yeah, I'm okay with this. 1277 00:51:49,805 --> 00:51:51,525 'cause we're getting to the same outcome we both want. Okay. 1278 00:51:51,525 --> 00:51:53,925 I can handle it. But that wasn't, 1279 00:51:55,235 --> 00:51:56,925 it's always felt easy with you. 1280 00:51:58,625 --> 00:52:01,125 But that doesn't mean it's always been easy for me. Mm. 1281 00:52:01,625 --> 00:52:03,205 So what I mean by that is, 1282 00:52:03,205 --> 00:52:05,085 in the beginning it was such a relief 1283 00:52:05,425 --> 00:52:06,485 to have somebody that I trusted. 1284 00:52:06,485 --> 00:52:09,045 Mm-Hmm. , who was a responsible adult 1285 00:52:09,225 --> 00:52:12,365 who was actively participating in the relationship whose 1286 00:52:12,765 --> 00:52:14,005 decisions I, I basically trusted. 1287 00:52:14,205 --> 00:52:16,525 'cause in the beginning, beginning of moving in together, 1288 00:52:16,545 --> 00:52:18,005 in the beginning of our power exchange, 1289 00:52:18,005 --> 00:52:21,405 when we're long distance, one, I felt lost and clueless 1290 00:52:21,405 --> 00:52:22,565 and I was just mentally 1291 00:52:22,565 --> 00:52:23,725 and physically exhausted all the time. 1292 00:52:23,945 --> 00:52:27,325 And two, I just desperately wanted to be taken care of. 1293 00:52:27,325 --> 00:52:28,525 Right. That's my baby girl side. 1294 00:52:28,525 --> 00:52:30,565 That's like, take care of me, daddy. Like, nurture me. 1295 00:52:30,565 --> 00:52:33,325 Right. , uh, those are the literal daddy issues. 1296 00:52:33,355 --> 00:52:37,685 It's fun. Um, what happened 1297 00:52:38,275 --> 00:52:39,965 over time was that 1298 00:52:40,625 --> 00:52:44,165 relief at having a little bit less responsibility 1299 00:52:45,515 --> 00:52:49,605 morphed, changed subtly added 1300 00:52:50,235 --> 00:52:52,845 this thing of I now have the time 1301 00:52:52,865 --> 00:52:57,605 and experience to know that most of the time, most 1302 00:52:57,605 --> 00:52:58,885 of your decisions are good decisions. 1303 00:52:58,885 --> 00:53:00,965 Even if they're slightly different than what I would decide, 1304 00:53:01,585 --> 00:53:02,925 the outcome is gonna be fine. 1305 00:53:02,995 --> 00:53:06,605 Like you, you had earned the initial trust that I was like, 1306 00:53:06,965 --> 00:53:09,605 I can just, I can just stop thinking for a few minutes. 1307 00:53:10,625 --> 00:53:13,205 And over time that that morphed into 1308 00:53:13,885 --> 00:53:16,165 I know he is got our best interest at heart. 1309 00:53:16,305 --> 00:53:19,165 Mm-Hmm. . And I know when it really fucking 1310 00:53:19,165 --> 00:53:21,645 matters to me, he will listen to what I have to say. 1311 00:53:22,325 --> 00:53:24,445 I know. I have a feeling from your perspective, 1312 00:53:24,445 --> 00:53:28,605 and tell me if, if I'm wrong lately, like in the past three 1313 00:53:28,605 --> 00:53:33,365 or four years, I probably don't seem like I'm acquiescing 1314 00:53:33,865 --> 00:53:36,685 to what you want easily or often. 1315 00:53:36,875 --> 00:53:38,165 Correct. Right. Okay. Correct. 1316 00:53:38,605 --> 00:53:42,765 - , um, pushing against 1317 00:53:42,765 --> 00:53:44,325 that sassy . 1318 00:53:45,145 --> 00:53:48,845 - The thing is, is it, part of it is in my mind I am, 1319 00:53:48,845 --> 00:53:53,565 because you don't know what I decided not to say . 1320 00:53:55,555 --> 00:54:00,125 - Yeah. - But also the point in life where the, the stage, 1321 00:54:00,345 --> 00:54:03,565 the moment in life we've been at the, 1322 00:54:03,705 --> 00:54:05,725 the ebb instead of the flow Mm-Hmm. 1323 00:54:05,765 --> 00:54:09,285 . Right. Yeah. Has been one of those things 1324 00:54:09,285 --> 00:54:13,005 where everything, I know you have felt out of control. 1325 00:54:13,505 --> 00:54:16,325 Yes. I too have felt out of control. Mm-Hmm. . 1326 00:54:16,465 --> 00:54:18,445 And I know that you felt out of control 1327 00:54:18,505 --> 00:54:20,805 and I know that you, we have actively been out of control. 1328 00:54:20,805 --> 00:54:22,605 Right. We have controlled, like the things we thought we 1329 00:54:22,605 --> 00:54:23,645 controlled, we controlled nothing. 1330 00:54:23,645 --> 00:54:26,245 Nothing. Right. Life has just sort of happened to us, 1331 00:54:26,265 --> 00:54:27,805 and all we could do is react to it. 1332 00:54:27,805 --> 00:54:29,645 - Right. Like, life has been like, here hold my beer 1333 00:54:30,365 --> 00:54:31,365 - . 1334 00:54:31,365 --> 00:54:32,045 Right. Well, I hit you over the head 1335 00:54:32,045 --> 00:54:33,325 with a mallet like, yeah. 1336 00:54:33,655 --> 00:54:34,685 Don't spill anything, 1337 00:54:34,685 --> 00:54:36,125 because that'll just cause another problem. 1338 00:54:36,255 --> 00:54:38,365 Right. The, the thing is, 1339 00:54:38,665 --> 00:54:40,965 and this is not always true all of the time. 1340 00:54:41,225 --> 00:54:45,085 Mm-Hmm. , but more often than not, when I sense 1341 00:54:45,275 --> 00:54:47,045 that you have control Mm. 1342 00:54:47,105 --> 00:54:51,525 And that you are, things are happening the way 1343 00:54:51,705 --> 00:54:52,765 you want them to. 1344 00:54:52,865 --> 00:54:54,725 Mm-Hmm. , it is easier for me 1345 00:54:54,725 --> 00:54:58,405 to let go even when things are not necessarily happening the 1346 00:54:58,405 --> 00:54:59,685 way I think they ought to. 1347 00:54:59,795 --> 00:55:01,325 Okay. Right. Okay. 1348 00:55:01,595 --> 00:55:05,165 When it is clear that we, none 1349 00:55:05,165 --> 00:55:07,005 of us have any fucking control, and it is just 1350 00:55:07,965 --> 00:55:09,645 - winging - Of prayer. Right. 1351 00:55:10,085 --> 00:55:14,405 - , - Then my fear kicks in. 1352 00:55:14,405 --> 00:55:17,365 Like there was recently. Right. 1353 00:55:17,465 --> 00:55:20,485 How much fear have we had over finances? Right. Oh God. 1354 00:55:20,865 --> 00:55:23,285 And let me just be kind of frank, 1355 00:55:23,285 --> 00:55:24,485 without going into too many details, 1356 00:55:24,945 --> 00:55:26,205 can we keep this fucking house? 1357 00:55:26,215 --> 00:55:27,405 Right? Yeah. Can, 1358 00:55:27,405 --> 00:55:29,885 what are we gonna do if the car craps out on us? 1359 00:55:29,955 --> 00:55:31,885 What are we gonna do when this thing happens? 1360 00:55:32,185 --> 00:55:33,885 And have we figured Yeah. 1361 00:55:34,105 --> 00:55:38,245 Fought Claude two and nail to figure shit out? Mm-Hmm. 1362 00:55:38,285 --> 00:55:40,925 . Yes. But you know how we did not do that? 1363 00:55:41,545 --> 00:55:42,885 By me taking the backseat 1364 00:55:42,905 --> 00:55:44,685 and going, I'll let daddy handle it. 1365 00:55:45,515 --> 00:55:46,885 I'll let daddy decide everything. 1366 00:55:46,915 --> 00:55:49,445 I'll let daddy do everything. Part of it was you couldn't, 1367 00:55:49,705 --> 00:55:51,645 it was overwhelming for both of us together, 1368 00:55:51,645 --> 00:55:52,645 working on it together. 1369 00:55:52,815 --> 00:55:55,205 Right. It was not a job for one person. 1370 00:55:55,445 --> 00:55:57,925 I don't care how dumbly of a person you happen to be. 1371 00:55:57,925 --> 00:55:59,925 Mm-Hmm. . It had to be a team effort. Yes. 1372 00:56:00,285 --> 00:56:03,525 I also sadly have way more life experience 1373 00:56:03,525 --> 00:56:05,845 with being dead ass fucking broke . 1374 00:56:06,195 --> 00:56:08,245 Yeah. Than you do. Which that's not a flex, 1375 00:56:08,305 --> 00:56:09,965 but it's a thing that helped I think. 1376 00:56:10,905 --> 00:56:13,725 So I sort of stepped in Mm-Hmm. 1377 00:56:13,765 --> 00:56:15,525 to do things that you used to do to kind 1378 00:56:15,525 --> 00:56:18,365 of have control over certain things, which some 1379 00:56:18,365 --> 00:56:19,485 of our conflict came from. 1380 00:56:19,505 --> 00:56:21,445 You did not want to have the control over that thing. 1381 00:56:21,445 --> 00:56:23,250 That thing stressed you out too much. Oh. 1382 00:56:23,425 --> 00:56:26,725 But you also did not like the way I was handling shit. 1383 00:56:27,425 --> 00:56:29,125 But you also didn't wanna have 1384 00:56:29,125 --> 00:56:30,805 to be, have the be bothered with it. Right. 1385 00:56:31,115 --> 00:56:32,165 - Yeah. The conundrum. 1386 00:56:32,345 --> 00:56:35,005 - So here's the other thing about control issues for me, 1387 00:56:35,245 --> 00:56:36,645 I will not speak to anybody else. 1388 00:56:36,905 --> 00:56:40,245 For me, if I give up control Mm-Hmm. 1389 00:56:40,285 --> 00:56:41,805 , and I get to kind of stay in that state. 1390 00:56:41,925 --> 00:56:45,125 I can be in that state until something is like parenting. 1391 00:56:45,155 --> 00:56:46,965 It's important enough. I have a business, 1392 00:56:47,125 --> 00:56:48,605 I have a strong fucking opinion. 1393 00:56:48,605 --> 00:56:52,885 Right. But if you let me have the control, 1394 00:56:52,945 --> 00:56:55,325 or I need to take the control for reasons Mm-Hmm. 1395 00:56:55,365 --> 00:56:57,485 , once I fucking have it, 1396 00:56:58,225 --> 00:57:01,645 and I've decided my way's not perfect, I have matured there. 1397 00:57:01,725 --> 00:57:03,805 I don't think my way is ever the perfect right way, 1398 00:57:04,185 --> 00:57:07,565 but my way is somehow by a wing 1399 00:57:07,565 --> 00:57:08,965 and a prayer keeping the lights on. 1400 00:57:10,445 --> 00:57:14,555 I mm-Hmm. find it for a time very difficult 1401 00:57:14,555 --> 00:57:15,915 to give that control back. 1402 00:57:16,295 --> 00:57:17,595 Here's when I was ready to do it, 1403 00:57:17,595 --> 00:57:19,955 and I still have it, I still have a lot more control than I 1404 00:57:19,955 --> 00:57:21,155 would really like to on some things. 1405 00:57:22,065 --> 00:57:24,755 It's when I became so overwhelmed, I was exhausted when 1406 00:57:24,755 --> 00:57:29,435 what all I wanted was to not have to make a decision. 1407 00:57:31,095 --> 00:57:34,035 And that took longer than I thought it would, 1408 00:57:34,495 --> 00:57:38,715 but also it took longer than I thought it would 1409 00:57:39,335 --> 00:57:41,475 for you to be ready to go, no, no. 1410 00:57:41,515 --> 00:57:42,875 I need to be more involved in this. 1411 00:57:43,195 --> 00:57:46,755 I need to be a decision maker on this. 1412 00:57:46,755 --> 00:57:50,315 Again, I cannot give my baby girl the task 1413 00:57:50,415 --> 00:57:52,595 and call it delegation anymore. 1414 00:57:53,005 --> 00:57:56,995 Right. Thankfully, that kind 1415 00:57:56,995 --> 00:57:59,555 of coincided at the time when I went, oh my God, 1416 00:57:59,595 --> 00:58:02,115 I I can't shoulder this by myself anymore. 1417 00:58:02,115 --> 00:58:05,635 Yeah. You were like, okay, I can take on some of this again. 1418 00:58:05,705 --> 00:58:07,595 Whereas for a while you couldn't. Right. Yeah. 1419 00:58:07,595 --> 00:58:12,155 Like, it just, it, so my thing is, is if I get control back, 1420 00:58:13,695 --> 00:58:16,555 you will probably have to pry it from a cold dead fingers 1421 00:58:17,475 --> 00:58:18,155 - . Yeah. 1422 00:58:18,785 --> 00:58:20,715 - Yeah. Unless I get so overwhelmed, 1423 00:58:20,835 --> 00:58:21,955 I wanna throw it back at you. 1424 00:58:21,975 --> 00:58:25,115 - And, and yet, you know, I I was gonna say, 1425 00:58:25,135 --> 00:58:28,515 and this goes back to, to a little earlier conversation. 1426 00:58:28,515 --> 00:58:30,995 Mm-Hmm. , uh, talking about the boys, you know, 1427 00:58:31,485 --> 00:58:36,115 early on when, when we were first starting 1428 00:58:36,115 --> 00:58:38,395 to see each other and we started building our relationship, 1429 00:58:39,055 --> 00:58:43,115 um, you were, um, okay. 1430 00:58:43,295 --> 00:58:46,625 Um, the, the boys 1431 00:58:46,625 --> 00:58:49,505 and parenting the boys is off the table for our Ds. 1432 00:58:49,645 --> 00:58:53,225 Oh yeah. Okay. This is like, you know, that, that is, I 1433 00:58:53,225 --> 00:58:55,945 - Was never going to give away - That power. 1434 00:58:55,945 --> 00:58:57,865 That that is, that is a, that is a, a, 1435 00:58:57,985 --> 00:58:59,145 a hard limit, a boundary. 1436 00:58:59,145 --> 00:59:00,785 And that is one that's not to be crossed. 1437 00:59:01,405 --> 00:59:04,265 Um, what I have noticed though, over time, 1438 00:59:06,245 --> 00:59:09,505 and, and I know it is, uh, 1439 00:59:10,945 --> 00:59:13,025 possibly most likely in part 1440 00:59:13,025 --> 00:59:17,305 because of, of my mind shift that you 1441 00:59:19,135 --> 00:59:20,425 come to me more Mm-Hmm. 1442 00:59:20,465 --> 00:59:22,925 for input. And, 1443 00:59:23,025 --> 00:59:25,685 - And it's because I've watched you decide 1444 00:59:25,825 --> 00:59:27,845 to unlearn shit . 1445 00:59:28,355 --> 00:59:31,925 That was hard when we, when we survived, 1446 00:59:32,185 --> 00:59:34,565 the oldest being in middle school, those years 1447 00:59:34,565 --> 00:59:35,845 of teenage life, right? 1448 00:59:35,845 --> 00:59:40,125 Mm-Hmm. that 13 to 12 really to about 13, 14. 1449 00:59:40,125 --> 00:59:44,125 Yeah. The con there was the conflicts were 1450 00:59:44,545 --> 00:59:45,645 us against the kid. 1451 00:59:46,235 --> 00:59:48,285 Yeah. You against the kid. Mm-Hmm. 1452 00:59:48,325 --> 00:59:49,845 me against you. Yeah. 1453 00:59:49,875 --> 00:59:54,285 Because there you were doing things that felt right to you 1454 00:59:54,285 --> 00:59:55,445 because it's what you knew 1455 00:59:55,465 --> 00:59:57,565 and it's how it was done for you and blah, blah, blah. 1456 00:59:57,565 --> 00:59:59,445 Yeah. And those were the things I was, 1457 00:59:59,685 --> 01:00:02,085 I had been actively undoing trying not to. 1458 01:00:02,175 --> 01:00:03,805 Right. And so you 1459 01:00:03,805 --> 01:00:08,125 and I were in a lot of direct conflict, so I 1460 01:00:08,855 --> 01:00:10,605 could not, um, 1461 01:00:11,765 --> 01:00:15,565 I didn't feel like I could just let go of 1462 01:00:16,235 --> 01:00:17,885 some not decision making 1463 01:00:17,885 --> 01:00:19,685 because, you know, parenting being the one 1464 01:00:19,685 --> 01:00:20,725 place, there's no power exchange. 1465 01:00:20,975 --> 01:00:22,845 There was never a letting go of it. 1466 01:00:23,065 --> 01:00:26,645 But I didn't, we had so much conflict 1467 01:00:27,025 --> 01:00:31,605 and I did not, I knew I was going to disagree with some 1468 01:00:31,605 --> 01:00:33,205 of the ways you wanted to handle things. 1469 01:00:33,435 --> 01:00:38,125 Yeah. That if you weren't going to sort 1470 01:00:38,125 --> 01:00:42,085 of assert any authority there, I wasn't gonna come ask 1471 01:00:42,115 --> 01:00:45,565 because if I knew we were gonna just fundamentally disagree. 1472 01:00:46,065 --> 01:00:48,525 Mm-Hmm. , then I was inviting conflict 1473 01:00:48,625 --> 01:00:51,325 and we were not getting anywhere. 1474 01:00:51,385 --> 01:00:53,565 Now that got better over time. Sure. 1475 01:00:53,755 --> 01:00:55,725 Part of the problem I tend to have, 1476 01:00:55,865 --> 01:00:57,405 and I think I said this towards the beginning, 1477 01:00:57,835 --> 01:00:59,285 when I am in control of something 1478 01:00:59,285 --> 01:01:02,645 and I figure out a path forward that I feel like is 1479 01:01:02,645 --> 01:01:05,245 what I'm supposed to be doing and is a, a good 1480 01:01:05,345 --> 01:01:09,445 and correct path, I don't deviate. 1481 01:01:09,595 --> 01:01:11,965 Well, that's what the fuck I know. Mm-Hmm. 1482 01:01:12,245 --> 01:01:14,525 and deviation outside of that, I, 1483 01:01:14,745 --> 01:01:16,605 it usually has to be something blunt, 1484 01:01:16,635 --> 01:01:19,685 like beat me over the head with, for me to go, whoa, I am, 1485 01:01:20,085 --> 01:01:21,085 I am really wrong here. 1486 01:01:21,875 --> 01:01:23,325 I've gotten better at that. Mm-Hmm. 1487 01:01:23,365 --> 01:01:25,965 , like I know , , I am 1488 01:01:27,395 --> 01:01:28,845 with the youngest, especially 1489 01:01:28,845 --> 01:01:32,525 because I saw his anxiety up close 1490 01:01:32,545 --> 01:01:34,565 and personal from a very young age with him. 1491 01:01:34,785 --> 01:01:38,765 Mm-Hmm. . I know I am that parent who will 1492 01:01:39,825 --> 01:01:42,685 not always push him the way that he needs to be pushed. 1493 01:01:42,685 --> 01:01:44,765 Right. I know that. And I recognize that about myself. 1494 01:01:47,985 --> 01:01:52,245 But the thing that's having to be undone is that 1495 01:01:52,515 --> 01:01:55,885 with the oldest, you pushed too hard. 1496 01:01:56,075 --> 01:02:00,765 Yeah. And so until I kind of could see that you were going, 1497 01:02:00,765 --> 01:02:02,965 Hey, wait, my method wasn't quite right either. 1498 01:02:02,985 --> 01:02:06,405 Mm-Hmm. , I was afraid to, to kind of let go 1499 01:02:06,585 --> 01:02:09,205 and go, I need you to, to do your thing 1500 01:02:09,915 --> 01:02:11,845 that is in direct opposition to my thing. 1501 01:02:11,865 --> 01:02:14,325 We have to, we have to counterbalance each other. Yeah. 1502 01:02:15,385 --> 01:02:17,765 Now that you, you are, I mean, it's, I'm not, 1503 01:02:17,905 --> 01:02:19,325 I'm not just saying, oh, he's unlearning things. 1504 01:02:19,325 --> 01:02:21,205 Like, I'm just declaring that and decreeing it. 1505 01:02:21,365 --> 01:02:23,725 I, and I'm also not saying he was a bad parent 1506 01:02:23,865 --> 01:02:26,805 before, it's just that there were certain aspects 1507 01:02:26,805 --> 01:02:30,365 of parenting that I, 1508 01:02:31,495 --> 01:02:33,765 especially even now I'm very sensitive to. 1509 01:02:33,765 --> 01:02:35,765 Right? Mm-Hmm. . Like, I don't think you watch 1510 01:02:35,765 --> 01:02:39,405 your kid be sick mentally 1511 01:02:39,405 --> 01:02:41,605 and physically every day for two years 1512 01:02:41,785 --> 01:02:43,645 and not come away changed by that. 1513 01:02:43,665 --> 01:02:45,245 So that changes how I parent. 1514 01:02:45,785 --> 01:02:49,285 But I am better at admitting my way is not 1515 01:02:49,285 --> 01:02:50,365 exactly the perfect way either. 1516 01:02:50,385 --> 01:02:51,725 Mm-Hmm. . And because I've watched you 1517 01:02:51,955 --> 01:02:52,965 bend Right. 1518 01:02:53,185 --> 01:02:56,165 And go, whoa, there are better ways to do this. Yeah. 1519 01:02:56,165 --> 01:02:58,325 The way I did it then I would not do it that way now. 1520 01:02:58,325 --> 01:02:59,565 Mm-Hmm. I know better. Right? Nope. 1521 01:02:59,565 --> 01:03:01,205 Because I've seen that shift. 1522 01:03:02,785 --> 01:03:07,325 It is easier when emotions are not high True to go, 1523 01:03:07,625 --> 01:03:09,965 Hey, I need you to counterbalance me here. 1524 01:03:10,145 --> 01:03:12,445 I'm gonna find it hard to let go, but I need that. 1525 01:03:12,745 --> 01:03:14,565 But when emotions are high 1526 01:03:15,025 --> 01:03:19,685 or when we are clearly we have such different viewpoints of 1527 01:03:19,705 --> 01:03:21,885 how to accomplish the thing we're trying to accomplish. 1528 01:03:22,315 --> 01:03:24,885 I've had so much control for so long Mm-Hmm. 1529 01:03:24,925 --> 01:03:29,205 that I don't know how to let go. 1530 01:03:29,545 --> 01:03:32,565 And this being one spot where I'm actively working 1531 01:03:32,625 --> 01:03:34,365 to not be submissive to you, 1532 01:03:34,755 --> 01:03:36,285 that means you get the full force 1533 01:03:36,305 --> 01:03:38,525 of this controlling personality , 1534 01:03:39,035 --> 01:03:40,045 when I think I'm right. 1535 01:03:40,515 --> 01:03:42,565 Like you don't get the softer side of it. 1536 01:03:42,785 --> 01:03:44,925 Now that's a thing I feel like I should work on. 1537 01:03:45,445 --> 01:03:49,485 I can be soft and have control and have strong opinions. 1538 01:03:50,045 --> 01:03:53,765 I don't really know how though, you know? 1539 01:03:53,875 --> 01:03:56,085 Does that make sense? Yes. And that's not because of you. 1540 01:03:56,265 --> 01:03:59,245 Mm-Hmm. . That's stuff that predates you. I 1541 01:03:59,245 --> 01:04:01,165 - Don't know what I do without my Scorpio bitch from hell 1542 01:04:01,645 --> 01:04:02,645 - . 1543 01:04:02,645 --> 01:04:03,325 Look, there's some benefits to this. 1544 01:04:03,905 --> 01:04:06,365 The hard part is, is that the things that you like, 1545 01:04:06,365 --> 01:04:10,205 that the, that I will, you know, do my thing 1546 01:04:10,325 --> 01:04:11,445 with that other people. 1547 01:04:11,865 --> 01:04:15,405 It sucks when it's directed at you . Yeah. 1548 01:04:16,515 --> 01:04:19,245 Like, it's cute when I'm being that way about, you know, 1549 01:04:19,245 --> 01:04:21,805 whoever I'm being judging like judgers son about . 1550 01:04:22,025 --> 01:04:25,525 It sucks when I turn the energy in your direction. Right. 1551 01:04:25,625 --> 01:04:29,485 And I don't, and I hate that. Like, I, I can, it's so weird. 1552 01:04:29,605 --> 01:04:32,645 I can feel very strongly that we have to do a thing this way 1553 01:04:32,945 --> 01:04:34,485 or not do it that way. 1554 01:04:34,555 --> 01:04:36,325 Like that's two sides of the same coin. Mm-Hmm. 1555 01:04:36,365 --> 01:04:40,045 and also kind of fucking hate 1556 01:04:40,155 --> 01:04:42,165 that I can't just that there's something within 1557 01:04:42,185 --> 01:04:43,365 me that won't just let me go. 1558 01:04:43,545 --> 01:04:44,725 Oh. Just you decide. 1559 01:04:45,755 --> 01:04:48,525 Like, quite frankly in parenting, if I ever get to 1560 01:04:48,525 --> 01:04:51,005 that point, you need to like, I don't know. 1561 01:04:51,005 --> 01:04:53,885 I need to go somewhere and be like locked in a very 1562 01:04:53,885 --> 01:04:55,165 soft, padded place for a while. 1563 01:04:55,165 --> 01:04:57,005 Because if I ever get to that point with parenting, 1564 01:04:57,005 --> 01:04:59,245 something has gone very, very fucking wrong. 1565 01:04:59,315 --> 01:05:02,525 Yeah. Right. Because that's like, of all the things I do 1566 01:05:02,665 --> 01:05:06,005 as a human being to right now at this point in my life, 1567 01:05:06,665 --> 01:05:09,045 trying to get this parenting thing mostly correct, 1568 01:05:09,305 --> 01:05:10,405 is the most important. 1569 01:05:10,405 --> 01:05:12,445 Right? Mm-Hmm. . So I take, 1570 01:05:12,545 --> 01:05:14,365 and that's another thing, like that goes back to 1571 01:05:14,365 --> 01:05:16,965 what I was saying about I tend 1572 01:05:17,045 --> 01:05:19,645 to have the control issues over the things that I find 1573 01:05:19,835 --> 01:05:22,285 that I need to do my best to get it right. 1574 01:05:22,545 --> 01:05:24,845 Mm-Hmm. . But then I get very worked up about 1575 01:05:25,155 --> 01:05:26,365 what is right, what is right. 1576 01:05:26,785 --> 01:05:30,245 And almost nothing anymore hits my 1577 01:05:30,245 --> 01:05:32,045 insecurities like parenting. 1578 01:05:32,315 --> 01:05:34,165 Because all I could think is, well, I know 1579 01:05:34,165 --> 01:05:37,125 how the fuck I was fucked up and I'm trying not to do that. 1580 01:05:37,385 --> 01:05:39,445 But how am I actually fucking them up now? 1581 01:05:39,765 --> 01:05:41,405 - - As I try 1582 01:05:41,405 --> 01:05:43,285 to send them outta the nest in a few years. 1583 01:05:43,425 --> 01:05:45,445 You know what I mean? It's like there's, I get a lot 1584 01:05:45,445 --> 01:05:46,725 of stress over that because one, 1585 01:05:46,805 --> 01:05:49,365 I know there is no singular right way. 1586 01:05:49,365 --> 01:05:52,965 Mm-Hmm. , even with one kid over time, you have 1587 01:05:52,965 --> 01:05:54,165 to change your methods 1588 01:05:54,165 --> 01:05:55,405 because you gotta, 1589 01:05:55,665 --> 01:05:57,285 you gotta raise the person in front of you. 1590 01:05:57,285 --> 01:05:59,405 But I'm like, but that's the biggest unknown I think. 1591 01:05:59,405 --> 01:06:00,685 So then I clean to control. 1592 01:06:01,085 --> 01:06:03,485 - I think one of the things that helped me with that, 1593 01:06:03,485 --> 01:06:04,645 especially with the boys 1594 01:06:05,625 --> 01:06:09,645 and the oldest in particular, was when, 1595 01:06:10,905 --> 01:06:13,445 you know, as he was getting older and he's going off 1596 01:06:13,445 --> 01:06:15,685 and doing his own thing and he's getting involved in this 1597 01:06:15,685 --> 01:06:18,245 and doing that and, and, and this, you know. 1598 01:06:19,115 --> 01:06:20,925 Yeah. There was the whole, you know, he's, 1599 01:06:20,925 --> 01:06:23,725 he's being a teenager. . Yeah. Yeah. 1600 01:06:23,955 --> 01:06:26,405 - Yeah. I know why some, uh, 1601 01:06:26,405 --> 01:06:28,285 animals eat their young Yeah. I I totally do. 1602 01:06:28,705 --> 01:06:33,045 - But, um, you know, when when would hear feedback 1603 01:06:33,955 --> 01:06:35,365 from people, 1604 01:06:36,145 --> 01:06:37,685 - You know, he was a delight. He, 1605 01:06:37,685 --> 01:06:40,045 - He such, such a, you know, wonderful young man. 1606 01:06:40,045 --> 01:06:41,965 He, he's so helpful. Do you know he does, you know, 1607 01:06:42,645 --> 01:06:44,485 - according to things that I have heard 1608 01:06:44,485 --> 01:06:46,205 and read recently that I choose 1609 01:06:46,205 --> 01:06:47,325 to believe 'cause they make me feel good. 1610 01:06:47,805 --> 01:06:49,605 , it's actually a really good sign of your parenting 1611 01:06:49,605 --> 01:06:52,445 because you have, you are the safe place 1612 01:06:52,535 --> 01:06:53,965 where your kid can unmask. 1613 01:06:53,965 --> 01:06:58,365 Mm-Hmm. where they can, um, they know 1614 01:06:58,365 --> 01:06:59,765 that no matter what they throw at you, 1615 01:06:59,865 --> 01:07:00,925 you are still gonna be there for them. 1616 01:07:00,925 --> 01:07:02,125 Right. They're, you're, they're still 1617 01:07:02,125 --> 01:07:03,205 gonna, you're still gonna love them. 1618 01:07:03,315 --> 01:07:05,925 Yeah. And so, you know, especially, I don't know if, 1619 01:07:06,005 --> 01:07:07,285 I don't wanna say especially 'cause I don't really know, 1620 01:07:07,285 --> 01:07:09,205 but kids who definitely have to go out into the world 1621 01:07:09,205 --> 01:07:13,365 and mask and like conform to what their peers expect 1622 01:07:13,365 --> 01:07:16,045 of them in order to fit in to the best of their ability. 1623 01:07:16,045 --> 01:07:16,805 Mm-Hmm. . Because some of us 1624 01:07:16,805 --> 01:07:17,645 really just can't do that. 1625 01:07:18,105 --> 01:07:21,685 Um, you know, when they come home, they're overstimulated. 1626 01:07:22,075 --> 01:07:23,565 They are probably on the verge 1627 01:07:23,565 --> 01:07:25,165 of burnout depending on how long they've had to do that. 1628 01:07:25,475 --> 01:07:28,045 They're overwhelmed. There's all this stuff. 1629 01:07:28,105 --> 01:07:30,685 And so they just sort of to be the place 1630 01:07:30,685 --> 01:07:32,085 where your kid can come home 1631 01:07:32,185 --> 01:07:36,965 and be their shittiest fucking self was very tough 1632 01:07:36,985 --> 01:07:38,645 for me when we were going through it, 1633 01:07:38,785 --> 01:07:40,685 but is very affirming to me now. 1634 01:07:40,715 --> 01:07:43,285 Yeah. To know that. 'cause I was like, you, 1635 01:07:43,365 --> 01:07:46,805 I could didn't get to see them being the polite young men we 1636 01:07:46,805 --> 01:07:48,245 were trying to fucking raise. Right. 1637 01:07:48,245 --> 01:07:49,725 - Right. - And so I was like, oh my God, 1638 01:07:49,725 --> 01:07:50,925 what do you do when you're out in public, 1639 01:07:50,945 --> 01:07:52,765 but then to get to hear about, about 1640 01:07:53,065 --> 01:07:54,445 - How they are out in public? Yes. 1641 01:07:54,445 --> 01:07:57,205 - Yeah. I get to see it now with the, the 14-year-old. 1642 01:07:57,205 --> 01:07:59,245 So the 14-year-old just is homeschooled, 1643 01:07:59,265 --> 01:08:00,325 is we're working on it, 1644 01:08:00,325 --> 01:08:01,765 but he is practically a fucking shut in. 1645 01:08:01,785 --> 01:08:03,085 No, that's not good and healthy. Mm-Hmm. . 1646 01:08:03,085 --> 01:08:05,325 No, I'm not proud of it. We are working on it. Yeah. 1647 01:08:06,185 --> 01:08:09,725 But when I am with him, when he's like on the phone 1648 01:08:09,725 --> 01:08:11,525 with a teacher doing a thing they have to do 1649 01:08:11,525 --> 01:08:13,005 with his current curriculum Mm-Hmm. 1650 01:08:13,045 --> 01:08:16,085 . And I hear him go, yes, ma'am. Yes ma'am. 1651 01:08:16,585 --> 01:08:18,565 No sir. Uh, how are you doing today? 1652 01:08:18,585 --> 01:08:22,445 Now I know he's masking within an inch of his life. Right. 1653 01:08:22,445 --> 01:08:27,045 Right. But also, I'm like, I did something right 1654 01:08:27,045 --> 01:08:28,045 - There. 1655 01:08:28,045 --> 01:08:29,165 Something, something good. Yeah. We did something right 1656 01:08:29,215 --> 01:08:30,215 - There. 1657 01:08:30,215 --> 01:08:31,765 - Yeah. - Not that I want my kid to have to mask, 1658 01:08:31,865 --> 01:08:35,645 but I do want him to be able to move through polite society 1659 01:08:36,585 --> 01:08:38,645 and not like, be shit. 1660 01:08:38,655 --> 01:08:42,765 Right. Like I, there's, there's a, a line. So yeah. 1661 01:08:42,825 --> 01:08:45,685 The control issues with parenting are way, way strong. 1662 01:08:45,785 --> 01:08:47,365 Mm-Hmm. . You know, it's weird 1663 01:08:47,365 --> 01:08:51,285 because our power exchange is built into our business, 1664 01:08:51,865 --> 01:08:55,245 but we also rely very clearly on each other's strengths. 1665 01:08:55,245 --> 01:08:57,085 So you don't come try and tell me how to do social media. 1666 01:08:57,475 --> 01:08:59,045 Well, no. And I do not go out there 1667 01:08:59,105 --> 01:09:01,245 and tell you how to make a thing outta wood. 1668 01:09:01,315 --> 01:09:03,725 Like that's, that's not fucking happening. Right. . 1669 01:09:04,105 --> 01:09:06,685 And there are things that you taught yourself to do 1670 01:09:06,685 --> 01:09:07,845 that you've had to teach me. 1671 01:09:07,845 --> 01:09:09,645 And then I've learned new things. 1672 01:09:09,705 --> 01:09:11,205 And so then I bring that information. Mm-Hmm. 1673 01:09:11,245 --> 01:09:12,765 , there's a lot of collaboration. Right. 1674 01:09:13,705 --> 01:09:16,805 But there are certain parts. We're not, we're this isn't, 1675 01:09:16,805 --> 01:09:18,525 the business is not, you're in charge. 1676 01:09:18,525 --> 01:09:21,725 And the decider, it is very collaborative. Mm-Hmm. 1677 01:09:21,765 --> 01:09:23,885 . Um, and I, 1678 01:09:26,285 --> 01:09:28,045 I know you're not gonna sit down at the desk with me 1679 01:09:28,045 --> 01:09:29,405 and tell me how to write an article. 1680 01:09:29,475 --> 01:09:30,805 Like that's not gonna fucking happen. 1681 01:09:31,545 --> 01:09:33,765 We also had the agreement when I started freelance, 1682 01:09:33,865 --> 01:09:36,965 you were not going to tell me when and how I had to work. 1683 01:09:37,115 --> 01:09:39,125 Correct. You might set parameters 1684 01:09:39,125 --> 01:09:40,365 for it's time to fucking rest. 1685 01:09:40,505 --> 01:09:41,845 Did you hit that deadline? Mm-Hmm. . 1686 01:09:41,845 --> 01:09:43,885 Or you actually done it's time to rest. Right? Yeah. 1687 01:09:44,145 --> 01:09:45,765 Or a, hey, you need rest, 1688 01:09:46,305 --> 01:09:49,325 I'm telling you is your big D find a day. Right. 1689 01:09:49,475 --> 01:09:51,045 - Like, figure it out more, more, more so than, 1690 01:09:51,075 --> 01:09:53,085 than doing the work. 1691 01:09:53,265 --> 01:09:56,005 Or you know, it Right. It with you. It's the opposite. 1692 01:09:56,005 --> 01:09:57,085 Getting you to stop. Right. 1693 01:09:57,525 --> 01:10:02,215 - . But because our business life, 1694 01:10:02,355 --> 01:10:03,735 our professional life is also 1695 01:10:04,695 --> 01:10:06,055 separate from our power exchange. 1696 01:10:06,235 --> 01:10:08,975 Mm-Hmm. , we, it still filters in. 1697 01:10:08,975 --> 01:10:10,295 And in a way I really like, 1698 01:10:10,445 --> 01:10:13,615 like the clients I take on the work I agree to do. 1699 01:10:13,615 --> 01:10:15,295 Mm-Hmm. . That's my decision. 1700 01:10:16,035 --> 01:10:20,015 But the sitting down and talking it out with you about, 1701 01:10:20,015 --> 01:10:21,135 Hey, this is what I'm thinking. 1702 01:10:21,275 --> 01:10:22,855 Mm-Hmm. . And here's how I know it's going 1703 01:10:22,855 --> 01:10:24,135 to affect things and Right. 1704 01:10:24,135 --> 01:10:26,695 What do you think in your opinion? 'cause it's because 1705 01:10:26,695 --> 01:10:27,695 - We're in a relationship. 1706 01:10:27,755 --> 01:10:29,775 We had one of those conversations today. I 1707 01:10:29,775 --> 01:10:31,095 - Needed you to tell me what the fuck to do. 1708 01:10:31,615 --> 01:10:33,495 I knew what to do. I just needed somebody 1709 01:10:33,495 --> 01:10:34,895 outside of me to tell me what to do. You 1710 01:10:34,895 --> 01:10:35,935 - Just needed that little nudge 1711 01:10:35,965 --> 01:10:37,815 - Because I was sitting there in the, 1712 01:10:37,845 --> 01:10:39,455 what is the exact right path to take? 1713 01:10:39,715 --> 01:10:41,415 And I'm feeling away and I know I'm feeling 1714 01:10:41,415 --> 01:10:42,575 away, but I don't know what to do about it. 1715 01:10:43,315 --> 01:10:46,615 So we're not doing anything special when we collaborate, 1716 01:10:46,615 --> 01:10:48,455 when I say we're not doing anything special, we're doing 1717 01:10:48,525 --> 01:10:50,975 what a healthy relationship ought to do. 1718 01:10:50,975 --> 01:10:54,295 Yeah. And not just a romantic sexual merit. 1719 01:10:54,325 --> 01:10:56,295 Like not just that like a business partnership. 1720 01:10:56,295 --> 01:10:58,775 There should be, it should be collaboration, right? Sure. 1721 01:10:58,955 --> 01:11:02,215 But as you're submissive, I want to defer to you. 1722 01:11:02,655 --> 01:11:04,415 I mean, it's my, it's just the way I kind 1723 01:11:04,415 --> 01:11:05,615 of lean most of the time. 1724 01:11:05,615 --> 01:11:07,735 Mm-Hmm. . And I, I get that. 1725 01:11:07,735 --> 01:11:09,815 That's in direct opposition to having control issues. 1726 01:11:10,035 --> 01:11:11,375 That's what we're talking about today. . 1727 01:11:11,875 --> 01:11:15,325 Um, and also, you know, 1728 01:11:18,605 --> 01:11:22,085 I I don't see you as my boss in the business. 1729 01:11:22,185 --> 01:11:24,285 We are co-owners. 50 50. Yeah. 1730 01:11:24,865 --> 01:11:28,885 Um, we, but I do trust your judgment. 1731 01:11:30,425 --> 01:11:34,325 Mm-Hmm. . So I like when I'm struggling if, 1732 01:11:34,325 --> 01:11:35,485 when I can come to you 1733 01:11:35,825 --> 01:11:37,685 and even if it's a thing you know nothing about, 1734 01:11:37,685 --> 01:11:39,205 you're like, I don't know about the freelance life. 1735 01:11:39,525 --> 01:11:41,565 I what Right. 1736 01:11:41,845 --> 01:11:45,125 , but I can explain the facts of the case. Yeah. 1737 01:11:45,365 --> 01:11:46,605 I could tell you where my head's at 1738 01:11:46,605 --> 01:11:48,885 and you can use your knowledge of me 1739 01:11:50,225 --> 01:11:52,085 as just a person as you're submissive. 1740 01:11:52,085 --> 01:11:54,725 Mm-Hmm. to help me either make the 1741 01:11:54,845 --> 01:11:56,125 decision or my favorite. 1742 01:11:56,345 --> 01:11:58,165 I'm like, here are the two options I am weighing 1743 01:11:58,265 --> 01:12:00,005 and my brain cannot make a choice. 1744 01:12:00,755 --> 01:12:02,965 What do you think daddy? Like this? That's like . 1745 01:12:02,965 --> 01:12:04,325 That's not a fucking cheat code. Okay. 1746 01:12:04,605 --> 01:12:07,765 to be, to have to know that 1747 01:12:08,625 --> 01:12:09,805 you know me well enough. 1748 01:12:10,135 --> 01:12:11,885 Right. To trust your judgment 1749 01:12:11,885 --> 01:12:14,365 because you've proven that I can trust your judgment. 1750 01:12:15,305 --> 01:12:20,205 And then to have the luxury, the privilege to go, Hey, 1751 01:12:20,965 --> 01:12:22,365 I know you have my best interest at heart. 1752 01:12:22,725 --> 01:12:25,885 I know you take my opinion seriously. I know you know me. 1753 01:12:26,665 --> 01:12:28,565 Mm-Hmm. , I can come to you. 1754 01:12:28,865 --> 01:12:31,405 Hey, business partner. And go, I've got options. 1755 01:12:31,665 --> 01:12:35,165 And I don't know, can you please decide for me? Yeah. 1756 01:12:35,315 --> 01:12:37,885 Because it's not that I'm asking you to tell me what to do. 1757 01:12:37,935 --> 01:12:39,805 Quite frankly, most of our power exchange is 1758 01:12:39,805 --> 01:12:40,925 not you telling me what to do. 1759 01:12:41,025 --> 01:12:43,085 Mm-Hmm. it is you deciding 1760 01:12:43,185 --> 01:12:45,405 and it is you going, Hey, here's how we're gonna do things 1761 01:12:46,065 --> 01:12:48,005 and here's what I want you to do in this, 1762 01:12:48,345 --> 01:12:50,605 and here's how I want you to contribute in this. 1763 01:12:51,265 --> 01:12:52,605 And, and it's a, it's a freedom. 1764 01:12:52,745 --> 01:12:54,245 And I, you know, I appreciate it. 1765 01:12:54,405 --> 01:12:56,525 I don't use it often enough. I think I should probably come 1766 01:12:56,525 --> 01:12:58,125 to you when I have those moments more often. 1767 01:12:58,645 --> 01:13:00,485 I tend to wait until it's like really bad. 1768 01:13:00,485 --> 01:13:01,805 And I know, like, 1769 01:13:01,965 --> 01:13:05,685 I potentially could have almost lost out on an opportunity 1770 01:13:05,835 --> 01:13:08,085 this week because I was procrastinating 1771 01:13:08,185 --> 01:13:10,325 so hard on just sending a fucking email. 1772 01:13:11,005 --> 01:13:12,925 'cause I was like, one, I overthink shit. 1773 01:13:12,945 --> 01:13:16,325 And two, I'm like, but I know I'm feeling this way, 1774 01:13:16,385 --> 01:13:18,045 but I know what I ought to do 1775 01:13:18,105 --> 01:13:20,365 and what I ought to do is not a thing I hate. 1776 01:13:20,425 --> 01:13:24,445 But also I feel thi and I just did that thing. Right. 1777 01:13:24,945 --> 01:13:29,165 And so, you know, I I think it all ultimately goes back 1778 01:13:29,165 --> 01:13:30,925 to we all contain multitudes. 1779 01:13:31,475 --> 01:13:34,685 None of us are two dimensional creatures. True. 1780 01:13:34,745 --> 01:13:38,205 So yes, I have control issues and yes, I'm submissive. 1781 01:13:38,265 --> 01:13:40,765 Mm-Hmm. to the right person in 1782 01:13:40,765 --> 01:13:41,925 the right way at the right time. 1783 01:13:41,995 --> 01:13:45,965 Yeah. You know, I often try to think about if the joke is, 1784 01:13:46,425 --> 01:13:48,405 uh, JB is poly in practice, I'm, 1785 01:13:48,905 --> 01:13:50,485 or non-monogamous I should say. 1786 01:13:50,485 --> 01:13:51,965 Mm-Hmm. non-monogamous in practice. 1787 01:13:52,025 --> 01:13:53,565 I'm non-monogamous in theory. 1788 01:13:54,145 --> 01:13:56,445 But I also know my tendency in a relationship, 1789 01:13:56,835 --> 01:13:58,245 minimum I'm gonna bottom. 1790 01:13:58,785 --> 01:14:01,725 But mostly I kind of wanna be like, I want somebody to lead. 1791 01:14:01,725 --> 01:14:03,085 Right? Mm-Hmm. . But I want somebody to one, 1792 01:14:03,085 --> 01:14:04,445 be strong enough to fucking lead 1793 01:14:04,595 --> 01:14:05,765 this train wreck right here. 1794 01:14:05,765 --> 01:14:07,885 Thank you very much. Um, 1795 01:14:08,225 --> 01:14:09,565 and it be somebody I can trust enough. 1796 01:14:09,985 --> 01:14:12,965 And I, you know, I try to imagine 1797 01:14:15,195 --> 01:14:16,845 that with somebody else. 1798 01:14:17,485 --> 01:14:18,685 . Okay. 1799 01:14:20,505 --> 01:14:24,525 And I, I think I would struggle 1800 01:14:24,625 --> 01:14:28,045 and I think, I don't think everybody 1801 01:14:28,975 --> 01:14:32,205 could just, anybody could lead me 1802 01:14:32,305 --> 01:14:36,005 and let me get, let go of some of my control issues. 1803 01:14:36,005 --> 01:14:38,005 Does that make sense? Yeah. I'm not even sure if that's 1804 01:14:38,005 --> 01:14:40,245 where I was originally going, but that is where I ended up. 1805 01:14:40,245 --> 01:14:42,165 That's where you went. Mm-Hmm. . There's no way 1806 01:14:42,165 --> 01:14:43,805 this brain is neurotypical. 1807 01:14:43,805 --> 01:14:45,325 There's just not, I don't know what I am, 1808 01:14:45,465 --> 01:14:46,525 but it's definitely not that. 1809 01:14:47,545 --> 01:14:51,645 Um, so yeah, I like none. 1810 01:14:51,815 --> 01:14:53,205 We're all, all of these things. 1811 01:14:53,465 --> 01:14:56,565 And I sometimes I think my control issues are 1812 01:14:56,565 --> 01:14:58,205 better than they used to be. 1813 01:14:58,265 --> 01:15:00,365 And in some ways I think that they are Mm-Hmm. 1814 01:15:00,405 --> 01:15:03,125 . And then there's a moment where I have 1815 01:15:03,125 --> 01:15:04,285 to be in control, 1816 01:15:05,065 --> 01:15:08,045 or it's necessary for me to take some control back. 1817 01:15:08,465 --> 01:15:11,925 And that's when those control issues rear their ugly head. 1818 01:15:12,365 --> 01:15:15,525 . What I think is different is 1819 01:15:15,525 --> 01:15:17,445 that I am more self-aware. 1820 01:15:17,945 --> 01:15:19,165 Ah, okay. 1821 01:15:19,305 --> 01:15:21,125 And, and that's weird to say more self-aware 1822 01:15:21,125 --> 01:15:24,285 because I am overly self-aware. 1823 01:15:24,285 --> 01:15:26,845 Right. as I'm, I think part of it is, 1824 01:15:26,865 --> 01:15:29,325 is just over time with more experience 1825 01:15:30,065 --> 01:15:31,405 and more time to be introspective, 1826 01:15:31,675 --> 01:15:33,405 I've figured new things out about myself. 1827 01:15:33,475 --> 01:15:34,805 I've seen things in different ways. 1828 01:15:35,405 --> 01:15:37,085 I, you know, if you'd asked me 20 years ago, 1829 01:15:37,125 --> 01:15:38,605 I probably would've told you, yeah, I have control issues, 1830 01:15:38,665 --> 01:15:39,685 but also blah, blah, blah. 1831 01:15:39,685 --> 01:15:43,005 Whereas I don't think that now, like I am very much like, 1832 01:15:43,145 --> 01:15:45,925 yes, I'm definitely submissive to the right person. 1833 01:15:46,725 --> 01:15:49,765 . And also I think there's a right way to do things. 1834 01:15:49,765 --> 01:15:51,805 And the biggest problem I have is trying 1835 01:15:51,805 --> 01:15:53,845 to convince myself there's, I have 1836 01:15:53,845 --> 01:15:55,085 to find the perfect right way. 1837 01:15:55,515 --> 01:15:57,725 Yeah. Which is where it's good that you come in 1838 01:15:57,725 --> 01:16:00,885 because you through all kinds of reasons. 1839 01:16:01,085 --> 01:16:02,925 I can go. That's right. That's right. 1840 01:16:02,925 --> 01:16:04,405 Just let, just let JB do it. 1841 01:16:04,435 --> 01:16:06,925 Just, just, just sit, sit down, shut up 1842 01:16:06,925 --> 01:16:08,685 and nod your head and go, okay, daddy. 1843 01:16:08,685 --> 01:16:09,885 Mm-Hmm. You know, . 1844 01:16:11,985 --> 01:16:15,125 So I don't know about other people with control issues. 1845 01:16:15,245 --> 01:16:17,205 I cannot speak for other submissives. 1846 01:16:17,765 --> 01:16:20,845 I have no doubt that there are plenty of submissives 1847 01:16:20,845 --> 01:16:22,085 who would go, I don't have any control issues. 1848 01:16:22,205 --> 01:16:23,445 I really just want somebody to lead. 1849 01:16:23,585 --> 01:16:24,845 I'm looking for the right person. 1850 01:16:25,025 --> 01:16:27,685 And I think there are plenty of others who are like, oh, I, 1851 01:16:27,715 --> 01:16:29,725 here are my list of reasons 1852 01:16:30,025 --> 01:16:32,605 for why I think I need to be in control. 1853 01:16:32,685 --> 01:16:35,445 I need to like decide the air quote right. 1854 01:16:35,445 --> 01:16:39,285 Thing, whatever, whatever. And how, like, 1855 01:16:39,305 --> 01:16:41,885 how we got there is gonna be unique to each of us. 1856 01:16:41,985 --> 01:16:43,605 Mm-Hmm. how we handle it is 1857 01:16:43,605 --> 01:16:44,645 gonna be unique to each of us. 1858 01:16:44,655 --> 01:16:48,405 Right. I, I think it has helped me 1859 01:16:48,515 --> 01:16:51,045 that once I went, oh my God, I'm submissive. 1860 01:16:51,685 --> 01:16:54,325 I did not fight that internally. 1861 01:16:54,645 --> 01:16:58,805 A lot of submissive submissives I have met, especially, 1862 01:16:59,825 --> 01:17:01,805 you know, anybody socialized 1863 01:17:01,865 --> 01:17:05,085 as a woman in western civilization. 1864 01:17:05,655 --> 01:17:07,605 There are plenty of people who 1865 01:17:08,195 --> 01:17:09,485 struggled with that, that Mm-Hmm. 1866 01:17:09,525 --> 01:17:10,765 . Like, am I feminist enough? 1867 01:17:10,785 --> 01:17:13,285 Am I, I had those moments, like, you know, 1868 01:17:13,285 --> 01:17:14,725 something would come up and I'd be like, Ooh, 1869 01:17:14,725 --> 01:17:16,565 this doesn't feel very feminist . 1870 01:17:16,625 --> 01:17:18,765 And then I'd go, oh, but I have the freedom and luxury 1871 01:17:18,865 --> 01:17:21,925 and privilege to make this choice that feels very feminist. 1872 01:17:22,025 --> 01:17:23,085 You know? Um, 1873 01:17:23,665 --> 01:17:25,445 and so I think part of it is, it was, 1874 01:17:26,045 --> 01:17:28,285 I have had an easy-ish time of it 1875 01:17:28,285 --> 01:17:30,125 because I did not go through that internal struggle. 1876 01:17:30,725 --> 01:17:32,445 I went, oh my God, I'm submissive. 1877 01:17:32,445 --> 01:17:35,685 Everything makes sense now. And I was able to embrace it. 1878 01:17:35,905 --> 01:17:37,125 Not everybody gets that luxury. True. True. 1879 01:17:37,125 --> 01:17:39,045 Some people have to like really go through some shit. 1880 01:17:39,155 --> 01:17:40,525 Yeah. To get, to get to that point. 1881 01:17:40,675 --> 01:17:42,285 - Everybody's journey is different. Sure. 1882 01:17:42,635 --> 01:17:46,445 - Also, I was very fortunate that, that 1883 01:17:47,025 --> 01:17:51,525 my power exchange and kink experiences before you 1884 01:17:51,625 --> 01:17:54,805 and you were mostly positive. 1885 01:17:54,805 --> 01:17:56,245 Like you've been positive 1886 01:17:56,245 --> 01:17:58,005 and the shit we've been through has, you know, 1887 01:17:58,075 --> 01:17:59,445 it's been, we figured it out. 1888 01:17:59,445 --> 01:18:01,725 It's figure out, all right. Previous relationships 1889 01:18:01,725 --> 01:18:04,405 and flings and bullshit I was doing might 1890 01:18:04,405 --> 01:18:05,645 not have been like on paper. 1891 01:18:05,755 --> 01:18:08,845 Like, oh no, I wasn't bringing that one home to anybody. 1892 01:18:09,385 --> 01:18:12,685 But they were not damaging in any way. Mm-Hmm. 1893 01:18:12,725 --> 01:18:14,285 , they were not toxic. They were not things I 1894 01:18:14,285 --> 01:18:17,085 had to literally recover from like my heart. 1895 01:18:17,265 --> 01:18:18,365 The heartbreak I might have had 1896 01:18:18,365 --> 01:18:19,725 to recover from, but not my psyche. 1897 01:18:19,725 --> 01:18:22,285 Right. Like, sure. I didn't have to go, oh my God, do I, 1898 01:18:22,345 --> 01:18:24,125 do I know anything about anything? 1899 01:18:24,155 --> 01:18:25,885 What? Like, I didn't have to go through that. 1900 01:18:26,265 --> 01:18:27,805 And I think that makes it easier. 1901 01:18:27,955 --> 01:18:30,645 Like I got to kind of keep some of my wide-eyed. 1902 01:18:31,365 --> 01:18:35,125 I really just am looking for a partner who I vibe with. 1903 01:18:35,145 --> 01:18:36,445 Mm-Hmm. it. 1904 01:18:36,605 --> 01:18:38,045 I think it's 'cause I came prepackaged 1905 01:18:38,195 --> 01:18:39,205 with the trust issues. 1906 01:18:39,605 --> 01:18:42,885 , the vanilla world gave me the trust 1907 01:18:42,885 --> 01:18:44,125 issues, not the kink world. 1908 01:18:44,185 --> 01:18:46,685 Mm-Hmm. . And so I know all of 1909 01:18:46,685 --> 01:18:47,765 that has also Yeah. 1910 01:18:48,165 --> 01:18:49,165 Affected me. So, okay. 1911 01:18:50,265 --> 01:18:54,285 Um, I am, I cannot imagine that you just ever give, 1912 01:18:54,425 --> 01:18:55,765 get rid of control issues. 1913 01:18:55,785 --> 01:18:57,405 If that's a thing that's even possible. 1914 01:18:58,005 --> 01:19:02,325 Somebody with a degree in things about people, 1915 01:19:02,545 --> 01:19:03,765 let me know . 1916 01:19:03,825 --> 01:19:06,925 Uh, but yeah, I'm a hot ass fucking mess, 1917 01:19:06,945 --> 01:19:08,925 but I am your hot ass fucking mess. 1918 01:19:09,275 --> 01:19:12,005 Yeah. And that's all that has to keep mattering. 1919 01:19:12,725 --> 01:19:13,725 - . 1920 01:19:15,165 --> 01:19:16,365 - I, I wanna, there we go - Again. 1921 01:19:18,065 --> 01:19:19,725 - Before we go into the bonus section, 1922 01:19:19,885 --> 01:19:21,405 I do wanna ask one thing. 1923 01:19:21,545 --> 01:19:24,165 Uh, oh. And I hope, I hope it doesn't morph into a chime 1924 01:19:24,165 --> 01:19:25,165 - Minute thing. 1925 01:19:25,165 --> 01:19:25,485 I hope, I hope I have an answer. 1926 01:19:26,265 --> 01:19:28,645 - You know me in the midst 1927 01:19:28,665 --> 01:19:31,565 of my control issues directed at you and not Mm-Hmm. 1928 01:19:31,605 --> 01:19:32,925 . And you know me 1929 01:19:33,635 --> 01:19:36,965 when I'm very much a submissive baby girl who's wide-eyed 1930 01:19:36,965 --> 01:19:38,165 and wants to do what her daddy says. 1931 01:19:38,195 --> 01:19:42,405 Yeah. Have, like, what does 1932 01:19:42,405 --> 01:19:45,605 that feel like to you if 1933 01:19:45,605 --> 01:19:48,765 and when I have shifted with you from 1934 01:19:49,715 --> 01:19:52,165 control issues to like, have, is 1935 01:19:52,165 --> 01:19:53,765 that a thing you notice that 1936 01:19:53,845 --> 01:19:54,845 - A thing you experience? 1937 01:19:54,845 --> 01:19:59,525 Oh, absolutely. When, when you, how do I, how do I say this 1938 01:19:59,955 --> 01:20:00,955 - Carefully? 1939 01:20:00,955 --> 01:20:03,605 - , right? Um, 1940 01:20:05,555 --> 01:20:09,005 when you set your sights on something. 1941 01:20:09,835 --> 01:20:13,445 Okay. Especially if it's something that you are very 1942 01:20:14,135 --> 01:20:18,645 passionate about, you are an immovable object. . 1943 01:20:19,265 --> 01:20:21,205 - I'd like to think I'm a force of nature, but Okay. 1944 01:20:21,405 --> 01:20:24,285 , , I'll be that bolder . 1945 01:20:24,285 --> 01:20:25,525 That's fine. It's 1946 01:20:25,565 --> 01:20:26,565 - Fine. 1947 01:20:26,565 --> 01:20:27,685 You, you are an immovable object. 1948 01:20:27,945 --> 01:20:31,285 Now I will say, I will say 1949 01:20:32,265 --> 01:20:35,525 as time has gone on in our relationship, 1950 01:20:36,835 --> 01:20:39,445 that does not pop up as much. 1951 01:20:40,755 --> 01:20:42,005 - Yeah. I, you know, it's weird. 1952 01:20:42,005 --> 01:20:44,325 If somebody asked me today, I'd be like, I'm kind 1953 01:20:44,325 --> 01:20:45,645 of stubborn, but not that much. 1954 01:20:45,785 --> 01:20:48,645 And I'm pretty sure you have a completely different take on 1955 01:20:48,645 --> 01:20:52,005 that than I do from my perspective. 1956 01:20:52,125 --> 01:20:54,125 I know where I'm giving in, I know where I'm conceding, 1957 01:20:54,245 --> 01:20:55,925 I know where I'm allowing myself to be led. 1958 01:20:55,925 --> 01:20:57,765 Mm-Hmm. . And I can only imagine from your 1959 01:20:57,765 --> 01:21:00,045 perspective, you just know where I go, oh, 1960 01:21:00,145 --> 01:21:01,645 here's my line in the sand. 1961 01:21:01,715 --> 01:21:03,365 Have fun with that and you should 1962 01:21:03,365 --> 01:21:04,485 come over to this side with me 1963 01:21:04,885 --> 01:21:05,885 - . 1964 01:21:05,885 --> 01:21:06,765 And then some days it's just like, 1965 01:21:09,275 --> 01:21:12,085 - Look, look, , you take the good, 1966 01:21:12,185 --> 01:21:14,245 you take the bad, you take them both. 1967 01:21:14,505 --> 01:21:16,685 And there you have the facts of life. Okay. 1968 01:21:17,945 --> 01:21:22,525 The facts of life. , I would love to rewatch 1969 01:21:22,525 --> 01:21:24,525 that show, but I'm terrified it would not have aged 12. 1970 01:21:24,575 --> 01:21:27,605 Right. Um, so a follow up to that 1971 01:21:29,955 --> 01:21:34,405 does, how does it feel? 1972 01:21:34,505 --> 01:21:38,205 Mm-Hmm. , when you have watched me go from 1973 01:21:39,315 --> 01:21:43,645 hard bitch ass control issue freak 1974 01:21:43,985 --> 01:21:45,405 to Yes. 1975 01:21:45,675 --> 01:21:46,965 Dody. Like, have you ever seen 1976 01:21:46,965 --> 01:21:48,085 that kinda happen in real time? 1977 01:21:48,265 --> 01:21:51,445 Or is it sort of a I'm over here being control kind of like, 1978 01:21:51,545 --> 01:21:52,605 eh, and then 1979 01:21:53,045 --> 01:21:56,245 - I, I have never seen it as drastic 1980 01:21:56,465 --> 01:21:57,805 as like a switch being flipped 1981 01:21:58,395 --> 01:21:59,445 - That happens in my head. 1982 01:21:59,685 --> 01:22:00,965 I have to like, do a lot of self-talk 1983 01:22:01,065 --> 01:22:02,125 to go, fuck, you're being 1984 01:22:02,125 --> 01:22:03,125 - Controlling . 1985 01:22:03,125 --> 01:22:04,125 Yeah. But, but you know, 1986 01:22:04,125 --> 01:22:05,165 between, I forget to say it out loud. 1987 01:22:05,425 --> 01:22:09,125 It maybe it happens in there, but I, I don't see that. 1988 01:22:09,125 --> 01:22:13,325 Right. Um, it's, um, it's always a 1989 01:22:14,835 --> 01:22:16,085 gradual Mm-Hmm. 1990 01:22:17,215 --> 01:22:21,405 Thing. Now the, the time 1991 01:22:21,465 --> 01:22:23,405 of the gradual varies. 1992 01:22:23,755 --> 01:22:26,285 Sure. Excuse me. 1993 01:22:26,585 --> 01:22:29,605 But, um, yeah. That's, um, 1994 01:22:30,155 --> 01:22:32,725 - Does it make you, is it a neutral feeling 1995 01:22:32,725 --> 01:22:35,725 or does it make you happier when I'm, um, 1996 01:22:38,745 --> 01:22:39,885 - It, it makes me happy. 1997 01:22:40,145 --> 01:22:43,525 - Mm-Hmm. , I'm sure it makes your life easier. 1998 01:22:44,195 --> 01:22:44,765 - Well, , 1999 01:22:50,565 --> 01:22:51,565 - I dunno. 2000 01:22:51,565 --> 01:22:53,245 You like me with a little bit of spice though. I 2001 01:22:53,245 --> 01:22:54,245 - Do. 2002 01:22:54,245 --> 01:22:55,325 I do. I do. 2003 01:22:55,865 --> 01:22:58,085 You know, um, and I have said 2004 01:22:58,085 --> 01:22:59,445 that I will always say it, you know? 2005 01:22:59,465 --> 01:23:02,645 Yes. Some of the spice is absolutely very nice. 2006 01:23:02,645 --> 01:23:04,685 - Everybody gets to have their limit. It's fine. 2007 01:23:04,735 --> 01:23:08,445 - Right. And, um, you know, we both know there have been 2008 01:23:09,395 --> 01:23:11,965 been times where it has gone too far. 2009 01:23:11,965 --> 01:23:13,245 And I'm like, okay. Right now, 2010 01:23:13,465 --> 01:23:14,465 - We fucking hate that. 2011 01:23:14,465 --> 01:23:15,485 We need a time out. I want 2012 01:23:15,485 --> 01:23:18,485 to always be doing everything correctly in the perfect way 2013 01:23:18,665 --> 01:23:20,645 and always be a good girl who is loved 2014 01:23:20,705 --> 01:23:21,965 and can never not be loved. 2015 01:23:22,065 --> 01:23:25,205 And when I do something wrong, I immediately go into, 2016 01:23:25,265 --> 01:23:27,685 oh my God, am I even lovable anymore? 2017 01:23:28,355 --> 01:23:31,485 Look, I'm just saying that's the trauma from all the places. 2018 01:23:31,635 --> 01:23:32,845 Yeah. That's my own shit. 2019 01:23:32,945 --> 01:23:35,645 But yeah, it's, I've gotten better at resisting. 2020 01:23:35,645 --> 01:23:37,045 It used to be, if I was told I was wrong, 2021 01:23:37,205 --> 01:23:39,685 I would give you 85 million reasons how 2022 01:23:39,685 --> 01:23:40,805 that couldn't possibly be. 2023 01:23:40,805 --> 01:23:42,885 And I would justify myself. Now. That's true. 2024 01:23:43,165 --> 01:23:45,165 I would also be trying to explain. Right. 2025 01:23:45,385 --> 01:23:46,765 And too many people consider 2026 01:23:46,765 --> 01:23:48,245 that justif like making excuses. 2027 01:23:48,305 --> 01:23:49,245 I'm like, no, I just need you to 2028 01:23:49,245 --> 01:23:50,165 understand what the fuck happened. 2029 01:23:50,165 --> 01:23:51,165 Mm-Hmm. . But I know 2030 01:23:52,395 --> 01:23:54,525 with other people when I was way younger Mm-Hmm. 2031 01:23:54,565 --> 01:23:57,085 and at times with you in the beginning 2032 01:23:57,175 --> 01:24:00,765 until I like calmed the fuck down as much as I'm capable of, 2033 01:24:02,245 --> 01:24:04,165 I was so desperate to not be in trouble. 2034 01:24:05,005 --> 01:24:07,325 I would try and fast talk my way into somebody 2035 01:24:07,325 --> 01:24:08,925 because to be in trouble 2036 01:24:08,945 --> 01:24:10,365 and to be told I've done something wrong, 2037 01:24:10,365 --> 01:24:12,565 which is why I'm always trying to do something right, was 2038 01:24:12,625 --> 01:24:14,885 to be told that I was unlovable. 2039 01:24:14,885 --> 01:24:16,085 That is not actually true. 2040 01:24:16,305 --> 01:24:20,525 But because of things, that is the perception. Okay. 2041 01:24:20,675 --> 01:24:23,245 I've had enough moments with you where you had to go 2042 01:24:23,825 --> 01:24:25,405 and big dvo, whoa. 2043 01:24:25,945 --> 01:24:27,285 mm-Hmm. rumpel fucking 2044 01:24:27,525 --> 01:24:28,725 stilts. Get over here. Okay. 2045 01:24:28,725 --> 01:24:31,565 - Yeah, that's - Right. And I had to like, just sit 2046 01:24:31,565 --> 01:24:34,245 with the, the, the yucky feelings I didn't like and go, 2047 01:24:34,265 --> 01:24:35,365 but wait, he still loves me. 2048 01:24:35,395 --> 01:24:37,285 Wait, we're still cracking jokes together. Mm-Hmm. 2049 01:24:37,325 --> 01:24:39,965 , I still know my place in this. Right. 2050 01:24:40,425 --> 01:24:44,485 And over time is still not easy, but it is easier. Yeah. 2051 01:24:44,985 --> 01:24:48,485 But see, then I go back to if I just can control myself 2052 01:24:48,545 --> 01:24:50,485 and all the things I do perfectly, 2053 01:24:50,755 --> 01:24:52,605 then nobody will ever be upset with me. 2054 01:24:52,745 --> 01:24:55,005 That's not fucking true at all. Right. 2055 01:24:55,305 --> 01:24:57,085 Um, but yeah, I still have that. 2056 01:24:57,625 --> 01:24:59,445 That's for me and a future therapist 2057 01:24:59,445 --> 01:25:00,925 that maybe one day I will be able to afford. 2058 01:25:02,275 --> 01:25:03,965 Okay. This was a long one. 2059 01:25:04,145 --> 01:25:06,645 It was, I had thought, I thought this was gonna be one 2060 01:25:06,645 --> 01:25:08,725 of those kind of semi short ones short for us. 2061 01:25:08,845 --> 01:25:10,405 I mean, it's all apparently not relative, 2062 01:25:10,425 --> 01:25:12,205 but I, 'cause Yeah. 2063 01:25:12,205 --> 01:25:15,285 Because my control issues are a huge part of me. And 2064 01:25:15,285 --> 01:25:16,365 - For you took control of the 2065 01:25:16,365 --> 01:25:21,085 - Episode, I always do anybody who's been here 2066 01:25:21,085 --> 01:25:23,165 for more than like an episode is like, knows that. 2067 01:25:23,165 --> 01:25:25,405 - Yeah. - , um, is what I like, 2068 01:25:25,425 --> 01:25:27,245 is there are times you let me take control. 2069 01:25:27,405 --> 01:25:28,885 'cause you know, I'm the best one for it. Right. 2070 01:25:28,885 --> 01:25:30,565 And I, I appreciate that. Well, 2071 01:25:30,565 --> 01:25:31,565 - Yeah. 2072 01:25:31,565 --> 01:25:33,245 I mean, really this topic, you know, I can't 2073 01:25:33,595 --> 01:25:34,595 - Well, yeah. 2074 01:25:34,595 --> 01:25:36,805 And like last week you did talk a lot, 2075 01:25:37,145 --> 01:25:38,805 but you were, the conversation we had 2076 01:25:38,805 --> 01:25:40,645 before we recorded was No, no, you go ahead. 2077 01:25:40,645 --> 01:25:42,445 Yeah. Because I'm not feeling well. Right. 2078 01:25:42,665 --> 01:25:44,765 Um, I think that makes a difference too. Mm-Hmm. 2079 01:25:44,805 --> 01:25:47,845 , like, I get to be my full self with you. 2080 01:25:47,995 --> 01:25:52,045 Yeah. The, the wacky, the weird, the, the 2081 01:25:52,555 --> 01:25:54,725 traumatized, the like, but I'm, you know, 2082 01:25:54,785 --> 01:25:56,965 and then together we're growing and learning. 2083 01:25:57,215 --> 01:25:59,645 Right. And for me it's a, a, the depth 2084 01:25:59,905 --> 01:26:04,205 of the trust I have just, it really does just get deeper. 2085 01:26:04,205 --> 01:26:06,845 Mm-Hmm. And so I can be more of myself. 2086 01:26:07,125 --> 01:26:10,165 I can let myself be uncomfortable 2087 01:26:10,595 --> 01:26:13,805 because I've been air quote wrong about something. 2088 01:26:14,025 --> 01:26:15,085 I'm being corrected. Mm-Hmm. 2089 01:26:15,195 --> 01:26:16,965 That is a weird thing to be in a power exchange 2090 01:26:16,965 --> 01:26:18,805 to be your submissive, to believe 2091 01:26:18,945 --> 01:26:21,965 to some degree in the concept of submissive training, 2092 01:26:22,465 --> 01:26:27,245 and yet to feel physical pain if I think I've done 2093 01:26:27,245 --> 01:26:28,285 something wrong. 2094 01:26:28,555 --> 01:26:30,205 Yeah. And you were displeased with me 2095 01:26:30,545 --> 01:26:32,325 and I've still to some degree 2096 01:26:32,395 --> 01:26:33,485 work through that all the time. 2097 01:26:34,105 --> 01:26:35,325 But it's easier. Hmm. 2098 01:26:35,515 --> 01:26:38,725 - Okay. - I could keep going. We're gonna stop. 2099 01:26:38,725 --> 01:26:39,925 We're gonna do a bisection worry. 2100 01:26:39,925 --> 01:26:42,445 - Yeah. I think we need to, - JB needs to have the space 2101 01:26:42,785 --> 01:26:45,965 to complain about how so many things have just decided 2102 01:26:45,965 --> 01:26:47,365 to fuck up on his watch this week. 2103 01:26:47,505 --> 01:26:49,805 Oh, please. I know he need, he needs to be able to vent. 2104 01:26:49,825 --> 01:26:51,805 So we will do that. We'll go into a bonus section. Okay. 2105 01:26:52,305 --> 01:26:54,005 - So, uh, are we good? I 2106 01:26:54,005 --> 01:26:55,005 - Don't know. 2107 01:26:55,005 --> 01:26:55,685 That's really not for me to say. 2108 01:26:57,195 --> 01:26:59,605 - Keep - Keep the kinky on and we'll see you next week. 2109 01:27:09,845 --> 01:27:12,485 - - Daddy, 2110 01:27:15,585 --> 01:27:16,585 - Dad. 2111 01:27:22,585 --> 01:27:23,285 - Yes, baby girl. 2112 01:27:35,845 --> 01:27:36,845 - I - Have no, 2113 01:27:37,325 --> 01:27:39,085 - I know, I know, I know what it's, 2114 01:27:39,275 --> 01:27:40,325 it's part of what, that's 2115 01:27:40,355 --> 01:27:41,925 - Part of the bullshit of this week. 2116 01:27:44,625 --> 01:27:46,965 - You, I was like, can he get any closer to that? 2117 01:27:49,085 --> 01:27:50,765 I, it struck me. I'm sorry. 2118 01:27:52,345 --> 01:27:54,605 - Can we talk to Thes? ? 2119 01:27:57,185 --> 01:27:59,525 - Yes. - Okay. Go. Because you've got shit to say. 2120 01:28:00,225 --> 01:28:03,165 - So Yeah. This, this has been a fucked up week for me. 2121 01:28:03,515 --> 01:28:06,925 Yeah. Um, you know, aside from being sick , 2122 01:28:07,375 --> 01:28:09,485 - Which are definitely way on the men, so that's 2123 01:28:09,665 --> 01:28:11,485 - Bed way, way on, way on the mend. 2124 01:28:12,305 --> 01:28:16,685 Um, shit has just been falling apart, 2125 01:28:16,955 --> 01:28:18,365 left and fucking right. I 2126 01:28:18,365 --> 01:28:19,445 - Know. I've, I know. 2127 01:28:19,785 --> 01:28:22,285 - Um, - I can't even let myself be stressed out about it. 2128 01:28:22,325 --> 01:28:24,325 I just have to go. Well put that on the list. We'll fix 2129 01:28:24,325 --> 01:28:25,325 - It when we can. 2130 01:28:25,325 --> 01:28:28,165 Um, you know, I'm, I'm sure many of you who are, um, 2131 01:28:31,505 --> 01:28:35,125 you know, watching you podcast people can't see obviously. 2132 01:28:35,125 --> 01:28:37,685 Right. But, um, these are not the normal glasses. I 2133 01:28:37,685 --> 01:28:39,365 - Wear mine neither, - By the way. 2134 01:28:39,485 --> 01:28:40,805 . Yeah. Yours, yours either . 2135 01:28:41,185 --> 01:28:44,085 Um, my, my glasses broke. 2136 01:28:44,195 --> 01:28:45,245 - Your progressives too. 2137 01:28:45,265 --> 01:28:46,565 My progressives the ones that are easier to see. 2138 01:28:46,815 --> 01:28:49,965 - Right. And, and these I normally wear just for work 2139 01:28:50,215 --> 01:28:51,215 - Right in - The shop. 2140 01:28:51,215 --> 01:28:52,085 In in the shop. Right, 2141 01:28:52,085 --> 01:28:53,085 - Right. 2142 01:28:53,085 --> 01:28:54,645 Um, bifocals for anybody who can't see. Right. 2143 01:28:54,905 --> 01:28:56,125 - And, and the other, they, 2144 01:28:56,125 --> 01:28:58,245 they are a very good pair of progressives. 2145 01:28:58,465 --> 01:29:00,885 And, you know, those are my daily wares. 2146 01:29:01,485 --> 01:29:04,365 I can, you know, with the progressives, I can see screens, 2147 01:29:04,485 --> 01:29:05,725 I can read, I can, you know. 2148 01:29:05,725 --> 01:29:07,005 Mm-Hmm. . See far away. 2149 01:29:07,695 --> 01:29:10,205 These, there is no in between . Yeah. 2150 01:29:10,435 --> 01:29:12,045 It's either there or here. And you 2151 01:29:12,045 --> 01:29:14,085 - Gotta be looking at the exact right spot . Right. 2152 01:29:14,865 --> 01:29:16,965 - Um, so, you know Yeah. 2153 01:29:16,965 --> 01:29:17,965 That, that happened, 2154 01:29:17,965 --> 01:29:20,005 which we did make an, uh, an appointment. 2155 01:29:20,105 --> 01:29:21,645 So I'm going to get my eyes checked. 2156 01:29:21,785 --> 01:29:24,525 - And here's what's funny. So they broke. Yeah. 2157 01:29:24,795 --> 01:29:27,085 Nose pad came off of one side. Mm-Hmm. . 2158 01:29:27,105 --> 01:29:29,325 He went to those and then he went, fuck this. 2159 01:29:29,505 --> 01:29:30,965 I'm going to the eyeglass place. We're gonna 2160 01:29:30,965 --> 01:29:31,965 - Get the dust. 2161 01:29:31,965 --> 01:29:33,005 Well, first I tried the crazy glue. Super, super glue. 2162 01:29:33,005 --> 01:29:34,085 - You tried to glue it yourself. They did 2163 01:29:34,085 --> 01:29:35,205 - Not, did not stick. Did not work. 2164 01:29:35,425 --> 01:29:36,725 - So then he goes, fuck the shit. 2165 01:29:36,925 --> 01:29:38,085 I know my appointments next week, 2166 01:29:38,085 --> 01:29:39,605 but I'm gonna go to the eyeglass place 2167 01:29:39,605 --> 01:29:40,725 - And see, and see if they can fix it. 2168 01:29:40,945 --> 01:29:42,405 - So we did that this morning. I did that. 2169 01:29:42,405 --> 01:29:44,845 Brought back coffee. It was delightful. Yeah. And then, 2170 01:29:45,425 --> 01:29:47,845 - And, and I was doing work here in the house. 2171 01:29:48,005 --> 01:29:49,245 I, I did not go out in the shop. 2172 01:29:49,365 --> 01:29:51,325 I had plenty I needed to do right here in the house. 2173 01:29:51,325 --> 01:29:53,085 And I'm, I'm working on stuff here in the house 2174 01:29:53,905 --> 01:29:58,885 and I feel a little thing against my nose. 2175 01:29:59,145 --> 01:30:00,145 And then, 2176 01:30:00,825 --> 01:30:01,845 - And then I was on my hands 2177 01:30:01,845 --> 01:30:04,605 and knees looking for the other nose pad 2178 01:30:04,805 --> 01:30:05,805 - . 2179 01:30:05,805 --> 01:30:07,605 Right. The, the, the other, the other nose pad broke. 2180 01:30:08,705 --> 01:30:09,705 And, uh, 2181 01:30:10,405 --> 01:30:13,245 - I know, um, this is j b's rant time, 2182 01:30:13,245 --> 01:30:15,885 but I do wanna add in the glasses I was wearing. 2183 01:30:16,325 --> 01:30:19,685 I was just sitting there at my desk just breathing. Mm-Hmm. 2184 01:30:19,725 --> 01:30:21,765 . And something felt weird on my face. 2185 01:30:21,825 --> 01:30:23,605 And I went, something's not sitting. Right. 2186 01:30:23,625 --> 01:30:25,685 And when you wear glasses, even if you're not really 2187 01:30:25,685 --> 01:30:27,805 consciously thinking about how they feel, you notice them. 2188 01:30:27,805 --> 01:30:29,045 Mm-Hmm. . So you notice when something's off, 2189 01:30:29,485 --> 01:30:30,645 I go, what is up with my glasses? 2190 01:30:31,405 --> 01:30:33,565 I pull 'em off my face. They were plastic frames. 2191 01:30:33,565 --> 01:30:34,605 They were larger frames. 2192 01:30:34,605 --> 01:30:37,405 So they're easier for me to do my progressive thing with it. 2193 01:30:37,405 --> 01:30:40,925 Just split in the frame. Yeah. Nothing had hit my face. 2194 01:30:41,365 --> 01:30:42,845 I had not slammed my, 2195 01:30:43,225 --> 01:30:44,925 go save your stuff from Onyx if you need to. 2196 01:30:45,205 --> 01:30:46,525 I had not slammed it down. 2197 01:30:46,685 --> 01:30:48,245 I hadn't, I had just been sitting there 2198 01:30:48,465 --> 01:30:51,725 and my glasses just snapped apart. 2199 01:30:53,105 --> 01:30:54,405 So I'm wearing my backups. 2200 01:30:54,985 --> 01:30:56,565 And Onyx was trying 2201 01:30:56,665 --> 01:30:59,405 to get up on the credenza that's behind her camera. 2202 01:31:00,065 --> 01:31:03,645 But JB has set up a laptop that's doing a file transfer. 2203 01:31:04,345 --> 01:31:06,605 But another thing that's not working is, I guess a 2204 01:31:07,405 --> 01:31:08,925 external hard drive that's dying. 2205 01:31:09,625 --> 01:31:12,565 But also if you bump the laptop just wrong, 2206 01:31:12,565 --> 01:31:13,845 everything stopped . 2207 01:31:13,915 --> 01:31:14,925 - Well, here's the OnX - Was 2208 01:31:14,925 --> 01:31:16,085 trying to jump on top of the laptop. 2209 01:31:16,085 --> 01:31:17,685 - Here's, here's how that all came about. 2210 01:31:18,225 --> 01:31:21,565 Um, the other morning, apparently we had a power surge. Yes. 2211 01:31:21,745 --> 01:31:23,205 And it knocked the power out briefly. 2212 01:31:24,425 --> 01:31:27,165 And there was one, you know, I, I usually am very, 2213 01:31:27,165 --> 01:31:29,885 very good about having surge protectors 2214 01:31:30,265 --> 01:31:31,485 and I really important on electronics. 2215 01:31:31,545 --> 01:31:33,685 Yep. Yep. Um, especially here in Florida 2216 01:31:33,715 --> 01:31:34,765 with the summer storms. 2217 01:31:36,075 --> 01:31:40,485 Well, there was one item that was not on a surge protector, 2218 01:31:42,865 --> 01:31:44,845 and it got knocked to shit. 2219 01:31:47,675 --> 01:31:49,925 Many of y'all know, we put a new network in the 2220 01:31:49,925 --> 01:31:51,485 house and we have 2221 01:31:51,485 --> 01:31:53,165 - The good, good - Internet, have, have the good, good. 2222 01:31:53,225 --> 01:31:56,085 And, and we got our own routers. 2223 01:31:56,865 --> 01:31:59,610 And what I got was so that they can piggyback. 2224 01:31:59,625 --> 01:32:01,645 So one on one end of the house, one on the other end 2225 01:32:01,645 --> 01:32:03,045 of the house would get full coverage. 2226 01:32:03,385 --> 01:32:05,645 So it was one of the ones on the other end of the house 2227 01:32:05,675 --> 01:32:07,565 that, that went to shit. 2228 01:32:08,265 --> 01:32:12,405 Um, figured out when the youngest came to me, he was like, 2229 01:32:13,425 --> 01:32:15,125 why can't I get in the wifi ? 2230 01:32:15,125 --> 01:32:18,125 Right. Nothing is working. He is working in my room. 2231 01:32:18,305 --> 01:32:19,925 - And we're like, really? We're fine. Yeah. 2232 01:32:20,115 --> 01:32:21,845 - Yeah. So, you know, I was like, okay, 2233 01:32:21,905 --> 01:32:22,925 let me reboot everything. 2234 01:32:23,165 --> 01:32:24,765 Rebooted everything still didn't work. 2235 01:32:25,625 --> 01:32:28,365 So yeah, the, the, the one router that was on the other side 2236 01:32:28,365 --> 01:32:30,045 of the house from the office, uh, 2237 01:32:30,045 --> 01:32:32,405 that was not on the search protector when the power 2238 01:32:33,005 --> 01:32:35,685 glitched, um, it dumped. 2239 01:32:37,485 --> 01:32:40,565 I spent a good half a day, maybe longer, 2240 01:32:40,565 --> 01:32:42,925 working longer on thing, maybe longer, uh, trying 2241 01:32:42,925 --> 01:32:45,125 to work on it and, and get it going again. 2242 01:32:45,905 --> 01:32:49,605 Um, which didn't, we ended up, we had 2243 01:32:49,605 --> 01:32:50,805 to order a new, and now 2244 01:32:50,805 --> 01:32:51,805 - We're waiting on a waiting. 2245 01:32:52,015 --> 01:32:54,405 - We're even - Willing to pay a little bit extra to like, 2246 01:32:54,625 --> 01:32:56,605 go to a store and physically get one Mm-Hmm. 2247 01:32:56,645 --> 01:32:58,805 . But that just wasn't gonna be an option. So, 2248 01:32:59,065 --> 01:33:01,405 - So anyway, what all that did was, 2249 01:33:01,405 --> 01:33:04,965 because I was working in the, the main router to try 2250 01:33:04,965 --> 01:33:07,485 and do all this stuff, I also tweaked a few other things 2251 01:33:07,495 --> 01:33:10,725 which, um, I had not done in the past. 2252 01:33:11,225 --> 01:33:12,885 So now basically, 2253 01:33:12,885 --> 01:33:15,325 because we have such a mixed network, um, 2254 01:33:15,565 --> 01:33:16,685 I have a Linux laptop, 2255 01:33:16,685 --> 01:33:19,205 we have two Windows computers, we have an iMac. 2256 01:33:19,585 --> 01:33:21,605 Um, I, I made some tweaks to the network 2257 01:33:22,245 --> 01:33:24,445 services in the back, so they can pretty much 2258 01:33:24,505 --> 01:33:25,725 now all talk to each other. 2259 01:33:26,745 --> 01:33:30,965 - Wow. - So one of the other things that I have wanted 2260 01:33:30,965 --> 01:33:34,285 to be doing, I have, I have hard drives. 2261 01:33:34,525 --> 01:33:35,965 I have lots of hard drives sitting 2262 01:33:35,965 --> 01:33:36,445 - Around. He's a digital 2263 01:33:36,445 --> 01:33:37,485 - Hoarder, y'all Okay. 2264 01:33:37,675 --> 01:33:39,125 That I've collected over the years. 2265 01:33:39,825 --> 01:33:43,125 And, um, I could, um, 2266 01:33:44,365 --> 01:33:47,085 I found out recently there was a place here I can take them 2267 01:33:48,945 --> 01:33:50,525 for recycling and, and be done. 2268 01:33:51,545 --> 01:33:56,325 Um, um, Mr. 2269 01:33:56,495 --> 01:33:59,285 Spock asked if maybe under warranty it isn't Jesus. 2270 01:33:59,945 --> 01:34:02,205 Um, but it was such an inexpensive one. 2271 01:34:03,345 --> 01:34:07,365 Um, the, the warranty was actually, yep. God 2272 01:34:07,365 --> 01:34:08,365 - Dammit. 2273 01:34:08,365 --> 01:34:09,685 The video keeps going out. Podcast listeners. 2274 01:34:09,685 --> 01:34:12,485 Sorry, JB has to keep getting up, turning the camera off, 2275 01:34:12,485 --> 01:34:13,525 turning it back on. 2276 01:34:13,945 --> 01:34:16,565 Is that a camera issue? We don't know yet. 2277 01:34:16,665 --> 01:34:18,365 That's another thing to work on, right. 2278 01:34:18,365 --> 01:34:19,885 To figure out where that issue is. Yeah. 2279 01:34:20,385 --> 01:34:25,365 - So, um, you know, what I'm have wanted to do was 2280 01:34:25,465 --> 01:34:28,085 to go through the, 2281 01:34:28,145 --> 01:34:30,685 um, okay, there we go. 2282 01:34:30,685 --> 01:34:32,845 It's, it's the delay. Yeah. It's catching up. 2283 01:34:32,845 --> 01:34:35,005 It's the delay. It's catching up. There we go. Okay. 2284 01:34:35,505 --> 01:34:37,645 So, you know, what I wanted to do is start going 2285 01:34:37,645 --> 01:34:40,365 through these hard drives, getting rid 2286 01:34:40,365 --> 01:34:41,885 of whatever data is not needed 2287 01:34:41,905 --> 01:34:43,645 and seeing what do you want to keep? 2288 01:34:45,105 --> 01:34:48,725 And the, 2289 01:34:51,025 --> 01:34:53,725 the one hard drive is, has been failing. 2290 01:34:53,865 --> 01:34:56,325 Mm. That's Windows would no longer read the hard 2291 01:34:56,325 --> 01:34:57,645 drive Linux would. 2292 01:34:58,665 --> 01:35:01,165 So I've been transferring the data off now that, 2293 01:35:01,165 --> 01:35:03,285 that the network is all playing nice. 2294 01:35:03,785 --> 01:35:07,765 As far as that goes. So, um, there was that. 2295 01:35:08,315 --> 01:35:10,245 - Then right before we started streaming the 2296 01:35:10,245 --> 01:35:11,365 comp, the computer we 2297 01:35:11,365 --> 01:35:14,085 - Streamer this computer - Did not want to do 2298 01:35:14,445 --> 01:35:15,445 - Anything. No, it didn't. 2299 01:35:15,585 --> 01:35:16,725 - It was just sitting there frozen. 2300 01:35:16,975 --> 01:35:18,205 - Right. Um, 2301 01:35:19,875 --> 01:35:23,045 baby band saw broke in the tiny shop. 2302 01:35:23,305 --> 01:35:25,685 Yep. You didn't tell me that. I didn't. No, I didn't. 2303 01:35:26,065 --> 01:35:28,925 - Oh my - God. Yep. Baby band saw broke again. 2304 01:35:29,265 --> 01:35:30,685 - And was it the part that you had already 2305 01:35:31,045 --> 01:35:32,125 replaced or was it something 2306 01:35:32,125 --> 01:35:32,645 - Else? Something else. 2307 01:35:32,865 --> 01:35:37,445 - Oh, good. Okay. Yeah. Yay. - And, uh, yeah, cool. 2308 01:35:37,445 --> 01:35:40,205 - We're gonna need to sell more paddles to fix all this shit 2309 01:35:40,785 --> 01:35:42,485 - And, uh, you know, be 2310 01:35:42,485 --> 01:35:46,165 because of I, the fact that I had been down for a bit, uh, 2311 01:35:46,225 --> 01:35:48,165 we had not done any yard work for a while. 2312 01:35:48,665 --> 01:35:50,205 - Oh, yeah. - And, and, 2313 01:35:50,385 --> 01:35:54,565 and, uh, Lola was, uh, 2314 01:35:55,995 --> 01:35:59,845 getting ready to go on strike for using the backyard. 2315 01:35:59,895 --> 01:36:02,405 - She's not like too much grass touching her damn nipples. 2316 01:36:02,505 --> 01:36:03,805 And, you know, I can't really blame her. 2317 01:36:03,965 --> 01:36:05,845 I wouldn't want grass touching my nipples. I wouldn't, 2318 01:36:05,935 --> 01:36:07,245 - There wouldn't, I wouldn't want shit 2319 01:36:07,245 --> 01:36:09,085 junk tickling my junk either. No. Especially 2320 01:36:09,085 --> 01:36:11,725 - Not when you're trying to like gear take a shit. Yeah. 2321 01:36:12,225 --> 01:36:13,645 - So, you know, I figured, all right. 2322 01:36:13,705 --> 01:36:17,245 Let me at least buzz around and give her some clear Mm-Hmm. 2323 01:36:17,285 --> 01:36:19,245 , you know, spots to work with on, you know, 2324 01:36:19,415 --> 01:36:22,885 until we get the weekend and we can sort the yard out. 2325 01:36:23,585 --> 01:36:27,445 Um, so I'm, I'm buzzing around on the mower, all 2326 01:36:27,445 --> 01:36:29,805 of a sudden I hear the clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk. 2327 01:36:32,145 --> 01:36:35,045 Um, the mower is old. We've had it now five years. 2328 01:36:35,105 --> 01:36:36,605 It was given to us. It was free. 2329 01:36:37,385 --> 01:36:39,525 Um, the deck has started rusting out. 2330 01:36:39,765 --> 01:36:41,285 - . Yeah. It was old when they gave it to us 2331 01:36:41,425 --> 01:36:42,425 - Too. 2332 01:36:42,425 --> 01:36:46,365 Right. And, uh, part of the, the deck that had rusted 2333 01:36:46,835 --> 01:36:50,045 through was hanging down, um, 2334 01:36:52,265 --> 01:36:53,845 and it was catching the blade 2335 01:36:53,905 --> 01:36:57,525 and , luckily it was not a piece that 2336 01:36:58,255 --> 01:36:59,765 makes it structurally sound. 2337 01:36:59,865 --> 01:37:00,925 Oh, okay. Okay. 2338 01:37:01,185 --> 01:37:04,765 So I, I went and, um, I went 2339 01:37:04,825 --> 01:37:08,565 and, uh, got reciprocating saw 2340 01:37:08,585 --> 01:37:13,405 and I cut off the rusted part and, 2341 01:37:13,425 --> 01:37:14,485 and went on about. 2342 01:37:15,905 --> 01:37:17,445 So, um, you know, yeah. 2343 01:37:17,635 --> 01:37:21,045 It's, it's just been one thing after another, 2344 01:37:21,045 --> 01:37:22,125 after another after another. 2345 01:37:22,225 --> 01:37:27,085 Mm-Hmm. . Um, so, um, yeah, 2346 01:37:27,315 --> 01:37:30,125 it's just been shit breaking left and right 2347 01:37:31,305 --> 01:37:32,405 and I'm, I'm over it. 2348 01:37:32,845 --> 01:37:34,325 - I know there comes, you kind of hit, 2349 01:37:34,345 --> 01:37:37,445 and I don't know if we have hit the same point yet or not, 2350 01:37:37,445 --> 01:37:38,965 but there comes a point where you just kind 2351 01:37:38,965 --> 01:37:41,005 of go add it to the list. 2352 01:37:41,315 --> 01:37:43,765 - Yeah. - Add it to the list. Yep. Mm-Hmm. 2353 01:37:44,005 --> 01:37:46,125 the, the router thing we Yeah. 2354 01:37:46,125 --> 01:37:48,965 We did get that taken care of right away. Right? Mm-Hmm. 2355 01:37:49,005 --> 01:37:51,125 . Um, we have plans. 2356 01:37:51,225 --> 01:37:53,005 We are, we weren't planning on it, 2357 01:37:53,005 --> 01:37:54,085 but we are now talking about 2358 01:37:54,085 --> 01:37:56,245 how we're gonna replace the riding mower. 2359 01:37:56,945 --> 01:38:01,085 Um, yeah. Affordably, like we have a, a, a lawn guy, 2360 01:38:01,315 --> 01:38:03,085 like he does repair 2361 01:38:03,225 --> 01:38:06,125 and, um, maintenance on lawn equipment 2362 01:38:06,125 --> 01:38:08,205 for the commercial folks and us residential people. 2363 01:38:08,205 --> 01:38:10,485 Mm-Hmm. . And they sell used ones 2364 01:38:10,485 --> 01:38:12,165 that are in good condition that they've worked on. 2365 01:38:12,165 --> 01:38:14,405 And it's like, right. You can get something decent without 2366 01:38:14,405 --> 01:38:15,405 having to pay brand 2367 01:38:15,425 --> 01:38:16,425 - New on the leg. 2368 01:38:16,785 --> 01:38:19,445 - Um, our push mower is, is 2369 01:38:19,625 --> 01:38:20,765 - That's, I bought from them and 2370 01:38:20,765 --> 01:38:22,445 it has been great condition. Yeah. 2371 01:38:22,625 --> 01:38:26,085 - Um, but Yeah, 2372 01:38:26,225 --> 01:38:28,005 so it's just, it's just been a week. 2373 01:38:28,005 --> 01:38:32,845 Poor jb and see, I, when he gets flustered and frustrated 2374 01:38:33,505 --> 01:38:36,605 and you, I can hear in his tone that he's feeling Mm-Hmm. 2375 01:38:36,645 --> 01:38:38,365 not just overwhelmed, but powerless, 2376 01:38:38,375 --> 01:38:40,685 which is not his favorite way to be. 2377 01:38:41,385 --> 01:38:44,205 Um, my brain wants to try and fix it, 2378 01:38:44,265 --> 01:38:46,445 and I'm, I feel like I'm getting better at this. 2379 01:38:46,685 --> 01:38:48,645 Normally I would swim and go, what's wrong? What can I do? 2380 01:38:48,645 --> 01:38:51,485 What do you need? But what's just frustrates him more. Yeah. 2381 01:38:51,625 --> 01:38:56,525 And I, yesterday, today, one of the things broke on top 2382 01:38:56,545 --> 01:38:58,725 of, and I, and he went, fuck. 2383 01:38:58,865 --> 01:39:02,085 And I was like, JB does not say these words. Mm-Hmm. 2384 01:39:02,125 --> 01:39:03,845 . And he sounded not just frustrated, 2385 01:39:03,845 --> 01:39:05,445 but like, sort of at his wit's end. 2386 01:39:05,555 --> 01:39:09,995 Yeah. And I just went, do you need anything from me? 2387 01:39:10,575 --> 01:39:11,595 No. Okay. 2388 01:39:12,105 --> 01:39:13,835 When I watched him the other day, 2389 01:39:14,245 --> 01:39:16,635 spend six hours on the router 2390 01:39:16,635 --> 01:39:17,835 trying to like, bring it back. That was yesterday. 2391 01:39:17,975 --> 01:39:22,355 - It, - Yeah. I, I have enough, I've learned enough to go, 2392 01:39:24,655 --> 01:39:27,475 is should I leave you the hell alone 2393 01:39:27,615 --> 01:39:29,955 and you'll just tell me when there's something 2394 01:39:29,955 --> 01:39:31,075 to tell me, ? 2395 01:39:31,175 --> 01:39:32,795 Or do you wanna talk about this? 2396 01:39:32,895 --> 01:39:35,035 He goes, I'll tell you when there's something to tell you. 2397 01:39:35,155 --> 01:39:37,195 I was like, okay. Right. And I backed the fuck off 2398 01:39:37,195 --> 01:39:38,195 and I was like, yep. 2399 01:39:38,295 --> 01:39:39,995 - Yep, yep, yep. Okay. Mm-Hmm. 2400 01:39:40,035 --> 01:39:41,875 - , because I just desperately wanna fix 2401 01:39:42,195 --> 01:39:45,315 whatever bad mood or frustrating thing you're going through. 2402 01:39:45,375 --> 01:39:46,995 And then I, I can't, I 2403 01:39:47,255 --> 01:39:48,255 - Oh yeah. 2404 01:39:48,255 --> 01:39:50,115 And my, my battery charger for my e-cig that's 2405 01:39:50,115 --> 01:39:52,195 - Right now that you'd had for a long time. 2406 01:39:52,265 --> 01:39:53,275 - That I've had for a long time. 2407 01:39:53,425 --> 01:39:56,195 - Yeah. So that kind of, sort of made sense 2408 01:39:56,265 --> 01:39:58,115 that it would eventually die. Mm-Hmm. . 2409 01:39:59,025 --> 01:40:00,755 - Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, 2410 01:40:00,855 --> 01:40:03,875 - And hey, we, we are working around the dishwasher 2411 01:40:03,875 --> 01:40:05,195 that wants to be wonky. 2412 01:40:05,455 --> 01:40:07,275 Yes. We did find the workaround for that. 2413 01:40:07,275 --> 01:40:08,355 - Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. 2414 01:40:08,785 --> 01:40:10,995 Well, actually I did go in and clean all that out. 2415 01:40:11,375 --> 01:40:12,375 - Do you think that's what helped? 2416 01:40:12,515 --> 01:40:14,675 - I think so. - Okay. Yep. But yeah. 2417 01:40:14,935 --> 01:40:17,355 So J's like been going through it. Mm-Hmm. 2418 01:40:17,395 --> 01:40:19,755 - . But, um, you know what I, 2419 01:40:19,825 --> 01:40:21,475 what I ended up doing today, which um, 2420 01:40:21,475 --> 01:40:22,795 helped me quite a bit. 2421 01:40:23,795 --> 01:40:24,875 I cleaned my desk. 2422 01:40:25,375 --> 01:40:27,835 - Oh my God. It's spotless. We are kind 2423 01:40:27,835 --> 01:40:32,155 - Of the, the only spot that Oh, what's happening? Lola 2424 01:40:32,415 --> 01:40:34,115 - Trying to topple over the tripod. 2425 01:40:34,115 --> 01:40:37,435 Yeah. Who are you? Yeah, we, I, he cleaned it really well. 2426 01:40:37,835 --> 01:40:39,195 I look like a junkyard at my desk. 2427 01:40:39,295 --> 01:40:42,035 And I was like, I wonder how long this'll last before 2428 01:40:42,255 --> 01:40:43,255 - Bet Before today. 2429 01:40:43,255 --> 01:40:47,035 Today the only spot that was clean on my desk was 2430 01:40:47,365 --> 01:40:50,595 where your wrists go for the keyboard. 2431 01:40:51,175 --> 01:40:52,795 Mm-Hmm. . And, uh, yeah. 2432 01:40:52,795 --> 01:40:54,725 It was, it was pretty bad. Rough. Yeah. 2433 01:40:54,985 --> 01:40:56,845 And, uh, I dug it all out today. 2434 01:40:57,005 --> 01:40:58,725 I dug it out and I, I got the 2435 01:40:58,745 --> 01:40:59,745 - Clorox wipes - Out too. 2436 01:40:59,745 --> 01:41:01,365 I even got the Clorox wipes out. Mm-Hmm. 2437 01:41:01,405 --> 01:41:02,565 and, you know, hit it hard. 2438 01:41:03,065 --> 01:41:05,725 But, um, yeah, everything is off the desk. It's clean. 2439 01:41:06,145 --> 01:41:08,965 - But my favorite, 'cause typically in the past when he 2440 01:41:09,145 --> 01:41:12,885 cleans his desk, I miraculously have a new pile 2441 01:41:12,905 --> 01:41:14,525 of papers on my desk. 2442 01:41:14,525 --> 01:41:16,565 Mm-Hmm. . And he did not this time, 2443 01:41:17,205 --> 01:41:19,805 , he actually legit cleaned his desk 2444 01:41:19,905 --> 01:41:21,805 and left my shit alone. . I did. 2445 01:41:22,405 --> 01:41:23,925 - I did, I did. Well there, 2446 01:41:24,085 --> 01:41:26,205 I had nothing on my desk that was yours. 2447 01:41:27,105 --> 01:41:29,045 - No. Sometimes you give me shit. That's not mine either. 2448 01:41:29,105 --> 01:41:32,165 That's true. We did one time, it's been a few months ago, 2449 01:41:32,345 --> 01:41:33,405 we did a thing Mm-Hmm. 2450 01:41:33,445 --> 01:41:35,685 we did not speak of it ever. 2451 01:41:36,825 --> 01:41:39,285 We just kept passing the same stack 2452 01:41:39,305 --> 01:41:41,565 of papers back and forth. 2453 01:41:42,225 --> 01:41:45,245 Yes. He would air quote, clean his desk, 2454 01:41:45,745 --> 01:41:48,085 and a stack of papers would be on my chair 2455 01:41:48,505 --> 01:41:50,925 and I would go, I, I don't even know 2456 01:41:50,925 --> 01:41:52,325 what the fuck this shit is. 2457 01:41:52,665 --> 01:41:55,685 And so when he was not in the room, I would move it back 2458 01:41:55,745 --> 01:41:56,805 to his chair. 2459 01:41:57,465 --> 01:41:58,845 And we did that a couple times, 2460 01:41:59,065 --> 01:42:02,965 and then somebody, not me, uh, decided to figure out, well, 2461 01:42:02,965 --> 01:42:06,045 there was papers actually go, so there's, 2462 01:42:06,715 --> 01:42:07,715 - Yeah. 2463 01:42:07,715 --> 01:42:11,845 Just so, but yeah, it's, uh, it, it's been, it's 2464 01:42:11,845 --> 01:42:14,645 - Been, it's been, you know, I don't know if I'm, 2465 01:42:15,265 --> 01:42:19,005 if I'm getting more relaxed in life 2466 01:42:19,625 --> 01:42:23,885 or if I just don't have the capacity for 2467 01:42:24,475 --> 01:42:27,445 certain types of stress anymore. Mm-Hmm. 2468 01:42:27,555 --> 01:42:30,325 - Because - Not that long ago, 2469 01:42:30,635 --> 01:42:34,045 that laundry list would've had me like, almost in tears. 2470 01:42:34,195 --> 01:42:37,765 Like just so Yeah. Stressed. And now I'm like, okay, 2471 01:42:38,125 --> 01:42:39,085 - I, you know, I think - Just 2472 01:42:39,085 --> 01:42:40,245 add it to the list. , I think, 2473 01:42:40,365 --> 01:42:43,245 - I think, I think I figured it out in my case at least. 2474 01:42:43,305 --> 01:42:46,085 Anyway, I've been in survival mode for so long 2475 01:42:46,085 --> 01:42:47,485 with all the shit that's been going on. 2476 01:42:47,485 --> 01:42:48,685 This, this is like, 2477 01:42:48,985 --> 01:42:51,205 - We do have some lights at the end of the tunnel 2478 01:42:51,235 --> 01:42:53,285 that are not oncoming trains. 2479 01:42:53,295 --> 01:42:55,525 We've got some like things are happening that are Mm-Hmm. 2480 01:42:55,565 --> 01:42:56,845 positive things. Yeah. 2481 01:42:56,845 --> 01:42:59,765 They don't fix all this, but they're positive for what's, 2482 01:42:59,765 --> 01:43:01,725 and I think that's kind of counterbalancing some of it. 2483 01:43:01,725 --> 01:43:05,485 Mm-Hmm. , we've had more positives than usual. 2484 01:43:05,745 --> 01:43:08,165 Not more positives than negatives. We're not there yet. 2485 01:43:08,165 --> 01:43:10,885 Yeah. But we've had more positives happening than 2486 01:43:11,135 --> 01:43:12,645 usual for the past few years. 2487 01:43:13,145 --> 01:43:16,685 And so, I don't know, I just, I'm just like, look, 2488 01:43:16,905 --> 01:43:19,725 we have survived somebody getting hit 2489 01:43:19,985 --> 01:43:21,645 by a literal fucking car. 2490 01:43:22,165 --> 01:43:25,725 . We have survived family in fighting, 2491 01:43:25,825 --> 01:43:26,845 not us, but Mm-Hmm. 2492 01:43:26,945 --> 01:43:30,325 You know, we have survived illness 2493 01:43:30,705 --> 01:43:33,765 and you know, the passing of family members. 2494 01:43:33,825 --> 01:43:37,725 We have, we have survived this shit. We will handle Yeah. 2495 01:43:37,945 --> 01:43:39,965 Broken shit around this house. Mm-Hmm. 2496 01:43:40,005 --> 01:43:42,685 hopefully with a sense of humor. Correct. 2497 01:43:43,715 --> 01:43:45,325 - Correct. - And so, yeah. 2498 01:43:45,745 --> 01:43:48,805 Yep. Anyway, 2499 01:43:49,085 --> 01:43:51,325 - , any who, - When we're done here 2500 01:43:51,815 --> 01:43:54,685 after I put timestamps in for the YouTube folks, I have 2501 01:43:54,685 --> 01:43:56,405 to go do eighth grade science. 2502 01:43:56,905 --> 01:43:58,565 - Yep. - So 2503 01:43:58,965 --> 01:44:00,245 - I need a shower after this. 2504 01:44:00,865 --> 01:44:02,805 - And Lola is just pacing. 2505 01:44:02,915 --> 01:44:04,685 - Yeah. Because normally this time 2506 01:44:04,685 --> 01:44:05,965 of night we're on the sofa with her. 2507 01:44:05,985 --> 01:44:07,445 At least one of us is. One of us is. Yeah. 2508 01:44:08,425 --> 01:44:09,605 - So I guess we should go. 2509 01:44:09,665 --> 01:44:11,365 Do you feel better for being able to kind 2510 01:44:11,365 --> 01:44:12,685 of like go Ah, yeah. 2511 01:44:12,705 --> 01:44:14,245 Or is it just Sometimes I 2512 01:44:14,245 --> 01:44:15,365 feel better for being able to say it. 2513 01:44:15,365 --> 01:44:16,565 Mm-Hmm. . And sometimes I just am like, 2514 01:44:16,565 --> 01:44:17,685 oh my God, I have just listed 2515 01:44:17,685 --> 01:44:19,325 everything I'm now more stressed. 2516 01:44:19,435 --> 01:44:23,365 - Yeah. Um, I mean it's, 2517 01:44:23,365 --> 01:44:25,365 it's six one half dozen the other. Sometimes it 2518 01:44:25,365 --> 01:44:25,845 - Feels good. Just go 2519 01:44:25,875 --> 01:44:26,875 - What it does. 2520 01:44:26,875 --> 01:44:27,765 The fuck It does. 2521 01:44:28,465 --> 01:44:29,565 - It does. Hopefully that was this. 2522 01:44:29,565 --> 01:44:31,565 Yeah, this was that. What are words? I, 2523 01:44:31,705 --> 01:44:33,525 - But, um, you know, no, I mean, some, 2524 01:44:33,715 --> 01:44:34,885 some good things are happening. 2525 01:44:34,885 --> 01:44:36,845 Like, you know, we talked in the beginning about, you know, 2526 01:44:36,895 --> 01:44:38,565 we've, we've been, uh, 2527 01:44:39,595 --> 01:44:41,925 pumping up the wood dom Etsy shop and Mm-Hmm. 2528 01:44:41,965 --> 01:44:44,045 , you know, that that's been fun and good and, 2529 01:44:44,045 --> 01:44:45,445 and, and I've started a YouTube. 2530 01:44:45,865 --> 01:44:48,685 You have, uh, for the wood dom, the wood on YouTube. Mm-Hmm. 2531 01:44:48,725 --> 01:44:50,005 - if you wanna Mm-Hmm. . I, I 2532 01:44:50,005 --> 01:44:51,125 will try to remember 2533 01:44:51,125 --> 01:44:54,445 to link it in the places I suck at that shit. Yeah. Um, 2534 01:44:54,885 --> 01:44:57,565 - I mean, there, there's just a couple little baby videos on 2535 01:44:57,565 --> 01:44:59,365 there right now, but, you know, just start, 2536 01:44:59,525 --> 01:45:01,525 - I know I sub, I subscribed and, 2537 01:45:01,545 --> 01:45:04,125 and I, I watch the things happen in action. 2538 01:45:04,125 --> 01:45:05,365 I watch 'em edit 'em. So I'm, 2539 01:45:05,365 --> 01:45:07,205 I'm not like watching the videos going, how, 2540 01:45:07,265 --> 01:45:08,285 how do you turn the pen? 2541 01:45:08,285 --> 01:45:09,365 Lemme learn . 2542 01:45:09,585 --> 01:45:11,965 But what happens is I'm looking at my subscription feed, 2543 01:45:12,345 --> 01:45:14,405 the, the subscription tab on YouTube, 2544 01:45:14,745 --> 01:45:16,445 and I'm like, I know that hand. 2545 01:45:16,465 --> 01:45:19,645 And then I have to go, oh yeah, , that's my daddy. 2546 01:45:19,865 --> 01:45:23,845 That's my daddy at the one place. Okay. So. 2547 01:45:24,465 --> 01:45:26,085 - Yep. Yep. - Yeah. 2548 01:45:26,205 --> 01:45:30,645 I mean, for the first time ever since we started the Kry, 2549 01:45:30,865 --> 01:45:32,645 we got a couple things that are outta stock, 2550 01:45:32,705 --> 01:45:34,925 but they're outta stock because we just haven't, like, 2551 01:45:34,925 --> 01:45:35,965 we don't have what we need yet. 2552 01:45:35,965 --> 01:45:37,445 Right. But we're mostly stocked. 2553 01:45:37,445 --> 01:45:40,605 And normally, like, God, this time last year and the year 2554 01:45:40,605 --> 01:45:44,125 before in May, you were still like, 2555 01:45:44,345 --> 01:45:45,325 - Oh yeah. Like 2556 01:45:45,345 --> 01:45:46,345 - In panic mode. 2557 01:45:46,345 --> 01:45:47,925 Mm-Hmm. , you actually had the luxury 2558 01:45:48,065 --> 01:45:50,085 of getting to just be sick for a week. 2559 01:45:50,325 --> 01:45:51,805 I know. And be like, I'm just gonna sit still. 2560 01:45:52,025 --> 01:45:53,565 - Yep. - So that's pretty good. 2561 01:45:53,565 --> 01:45:54,725 - Yeah. So, and, 2562 01:45:54,745 --> 01:45:58,365 and yeah, l Lola has, you know, it, it, it, it was kind 2563 01:45:58,365 --> 01:46:01,725 of funny because when you step out the back door 2564 01:46:02,065 --> 01:46:05,085 of the office here, there's a little patio where 2565 01:46:05,105 --> 01:46:06,105 - She likes to sun herself. 2566 01:46:06,175 --> 01:46:07,285 - Right. And, 2567 01:46:07,305 --> 01:46:12,125 and then there is now a beaten path from the patio to 2568 01:46:13,115 --> 01:46:14,295 my tiny shop where 2569 01:46:14,295 --> 01:46:15,295 - Yeah. 2570 01:46:15,295 --> 01:46:16,735 We, there's some, we all walk that path. Yeah. 2571 01:46:17,275 --> 01:46:20,055 - And, and it is getting to the point that 2572 01:46:20,605 --> 01:46:23,455 Lola would not go off into the grass or, 2573 01:46:23,475 --> 01:46:25,375 or far into the yard to do her business. 2574 01:46:25,555 --> 01:46:27,095 She was doing it right in the path. 2575 01:46:27,635 --> 01:46:29,295 - I'm just glad she wasn't doing it on this back patio. 2576 01:46:29,405 --> 01:46:31,895 - Well, that's true. Yeah. I mean, yeah, because 2577 01:46:31,895 --> 01:46:33,895 - That's where she likes to sunbathe, so she Yeah. 2578 01:46:33,985 --> 01:46:35,895 Knock on shit where she sleeps. That's, she 2579 01:46:35,895 --> 01:46:36,895 - Sleeps Right. 2580 01:46:36,895 --> 01:46:37,815 But she ain't, ain't that about her. Well, hey, 2581 01:46:37,815 --> 01:46:39,095 that's, you know, I do too. 2582 01:46:39,315 --> 01:46:40,415 So, um, yeah. 2583 01:46:40,525 --> 01:46:43,055 That, you know, that kind of pushed me to do the, 2584 01:46:43,315 --> 01:46:46,655 do the thing with the, get that, but Yeah. 2585 01:46:46,845 --> 01:46:50,765 Yeah. I'm just like, you know, in, in addition 2586 01:46:50,785 --> 01:46:52,925 to not being well this past week Right. 2587 01:46:52,925 --> 01:46:54,205 And everything that's just been, 2588 01:46:54,795 --> 01:46:55,795 - It's a lot. 2589 01:46:55,795 --> 01:46:58,245 It's a lot. And it's, you are directly impacted 2590 01:46:58,385 --> 01:47:00,765 by every bit of it. 2591 01:47:00,765 --> 01:47:04,165 Yeah. Like, it's your shit it breaking. 2592 01:47:04,925 --> 01:47:08,925 I mean, do you have an electromagnetic thing going on 2593 01:47:08,925 --> 01:47:10,405 with your aura or your 2594 01:47:10,405 --> 01:47:11,405 - Vibe or something? 2595 01:47:11,405 --> 01:47:14,485 Well, you know, you know, I, I I, I kind of wonder there, 2596 01:47:14,495 --> 01:47:15,805 there was a time when I was 2597 01:47:15,805 --> 01:47:17,165 younger I could not wear watches. 2598 01:47:18,065 --> 01:47:21,805 - Oh wow. - If I was given a watch and I wear they broke. 2599 01:47:21,835 --> 01:47:24,685 It's like it, especially if it was a digital watch. Really? 2600 01:47:24,785 --> 01:47:27,405 - Oh, wow. - Yeah. Yep. Okay. 2601 01:47:27,585 --> 01:47:31,565 So I, I thought I was past all that, you know, but I'm 2602 01:47:32,605 --> 01:47:33,965 - Onyx is coming 2603 01:47:33,985 --> 01:47:36,685 and wants to be a menace, so I think that's our cue to go. 2604 01:47:36,855 --> 01:47:38,445 Right. So we can Mm-Hmm. 2605 01:47:38,485 --> 01:47:39,885 get her to not be a menace. Yep. 2606 01:47:40,185 --> 01:47:41,885 Um, thanks for being here. 2607 01:47:42,265 --> 01:47:44,965 Thanks for staying to the bitter, bitter end. Oh yeah. 2608 01:47:45,865 --> 01:47:49,965 Um, you know, uh, I'm glad we can like, 2609 01:47:50,515 --> 01:47:52,885 have these kinds of conversations Yeah. 2610 01:47:53,195 --> 01:47:56,645 With y'all. I hope for the control issues thing 2611 01:47:56,645 --> 01:47:58,965 that maybe those of you who are submissive 2612 01:47:58,965 --> 01:48:02,325 with control issues, you know, felt maybe seen or validated 2613 01:48:02,325 --> 01:48:03,325 or just like, you're not alone. 2614 01:48:03,465 --> 01:48:06,005 Mm-Hmm. and those of you who care about a 2615 01:48:06,005 --> 01:48:09,205 person with control issues could go, oh, , 2616 01:48:09,695 --> 01:48:11,805 maybe there's a reason for these things. 2617 01:48:12,225 --> 01:48:17,165 Um, so yeah. So we are, um, we may need to go. Yeah. 2618 01:48:17,305 --> 01:48:19,405 The day is not actually fully over for us. No, 2619 01:48:19,405 --> 01:48:19,965 - That's okay. It's 2620 01:48:19,965 --> 01:48:20,965 - Not. 2621 01:48:20,965 --> 01:48:21,205 It's fine. All right. 2622 01:48:21,465 --> 01:48:23,205 Um, we'll talk to y'all later. Mm-Hmm. . 2623 01:48:23,665 --> 01:48:24,365 - Hi. Bye.