- You are listening to Loving BDSM podcast.
What is our name? Oh my gosh. . Hi, I am Kayla Lords.
If you're new here. Yeah. I don't know how to say our name.
. Here was the one, the only,
the too bad we record in the evening now.
'cause I really think you need caffeine. John Brownstone.
- That ain't gonna help .
- You look a little bit like a,
like you've seen some things .
- I've seen shit in my life. Yeah.
- Uh, clearly. Clearly.
Uh, I wish I could caffeinate you .
I know it's too late in the day and you'd never fall asleep.
But I wish I could. I think you need it .
Or maybe you know, you you need a shot?
We could do tequila shot. Oh no. Nobody wants
- To do tequila shots.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I, no, I remembered,
I remembered my own experience with tequila.
That's not at all what we're here
to talk about this week.
Uh, we're answering a question from a submissive
who would like to bring kink back to, uh, her
and her partner's life after having a baby.
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Okay. Let's get into the question.
They say, I have a question with no easy answer.
I'm happily married with a lifelong partner.
He is perfect in every aspect of life.
We have a son together. He's a great father to him
and a great husband to me.
He's supporting in every situation, is very kind and loving,
and is always here for us.
I'm trying to explain that he is the love of my life.
He shows us how happy he is to spend time with us every day.
Therefore, I consider myself very lucky
and there is no scenario where I would want
to live a life without him.
The thing is, is that I'm very much more
BDSM oriented than him.
I always had a submissive mind,
and it is one of my most important parts of my personality.
He is, I would explain as mostly vanilla oriented,
but he likes sex very much
and likes to see me being satisfied.
We already had a conversation about my needs
and desires many times,
and he really tried a lot to fulfill my wishes.
It was never a hundred percent
as he is not a dominant mind naturally,
but it was really close to that number.
He started to be confident in his role, saw me being happy,
and that made him motivated to continue with this approach.
We even lived in a 24 7 dynamic at one point.
I always initiated every conversation.
I explained everything.
I helped him to explore this world
as he is kind of shy in this way.
But then we had a baby two years ago since family life is
our common goal and now this BDSM part
of our life is kind of not there anymore.
We both work have our business.
On top of that, we exercise and take care of our household
and baby and simply, we do not have
almost any time together.
And when we do, we use it for rest since
that is kind of essential to survive.
Mm-Hmm. . We need help
to reintroduce this part of our life back.
I would say he can very simply live without it.
But I'm struggling very much since I don't feel like myself.
Please help us navigate through this situation.
So I see it's a little bit more than just we had a baby.
How do we get our kink life back?
- Yep. Yep, yep. Um, right off the bat, I'd have to say,
you know, with, uh, with a little one,
seize the moment whenever you can.
- I mean, - Yes. You know? Yeah.
I mean, that's really the only,
- Here's the thing.
I am so grateful we never tried to have a kinky life while,
while the boys were babies,
we didn't even know one another while my children
- Were babies. That is true.
- But here's the thing I know about parenthood.
When you have small ones who depend on you
to like survive in this world Mm-Hmm.
. And it's gonna sound harsh
and it might even sound pessimistic.
I'm gonna call myself pragmatic.
There are certain parts of your life
that you are not gonna get back to the extent
that you had pre-kids post kids.
Now you may eventually get back there.
You might find some approximation that is equally
as satisfying to you, but whatever you had
before, you had to start taking care of another human life
and keeping it alive.
It's, it's, you're not getting that back anytime soon.
So you're gonna have to get as close as you can.
Um, and then just the thing I always like,
I feel like I have to remind newer parents
because it's easy to, to lose sight of this.
They will not always be small children who depend on you
for absolutely everything.
This is barring anybody who happens to have a child
who is disabled and will have lifelong needs.
Mm-Hmm. . Like, we're not,
that's not who we're talking about.
That's a whole different ball game.
And we would never be qualified to talk about that.
But if in general you have sort of the typical
parental life, however much time you don't have
to yourself right now, it will not always be this way.
They do grow up. They do become
more independent and self-sufficient.
Mm-Hmm. . Eventually they get old enough.
You can like just walk away from your whole house
and go do something without them.
In the meantime, that's when it's very difficult. Yeah.
Very, very difficult. So I agree with you.
You do have to seize the moment.
The other thing that I thought
of when I read initially read this question was instead
of trying to get back to whatever you had pre-baby
start very small.
Mm-Hmm. start. Mm-Hmm.
with the thing. You both, if you can kind
of sort of rank the things you'd like to do
and that you miss and that was,
that were really good for you.
Sort of pick your mutual top one. Yeah.
The one that you're both like, oh yeah, we could do that.
That would be amazing.
And then see if you can break it down into smaller pieces.
If you can do it into smaller chunks.
Like if the thing you miss were
hour long scenes and kinky sex.
Yeah. It's probably gonna, probably gonna be a while.
- . Yeah. Yeah. Because you know, the, the thing is
to get back to what you had is probably not going to be,
I mean, you know, you, you, you're kind
of forging new ground and setting up a whole new
basis for it at this point. I mean,
- The fact that you are exercising,
taking care of your health Mm-Hmm.
working jobs and you have a business while
raising a child.
I mean, the fact that you even know your own
name is amazing to me. Right.
- That that's a plateful,
- All I did was work and have a kid
or two depending on where I was in life
and I couldn't even read a book
for the first six years of parenting.
So I can't imagine doing all the things you're doing
and still trying to have a kink life on top of it.
Yeah. It is possible.
It's just not gonna look like what you're used to.
I do think there's an extra
wrinkle for this particular couple.
Mm-Hmm. . And that is the submissive partner
is much more, um, what's the word I want?
Motivated Yeah. To make this happen.
Whereas their husband
clearly will do what makes them happy.
That becomes like this great feedback loop of, Hey,
I like seeing you happy, I'll keep going.
Right. But with everything going on,
I could see them having zero incentive
to give extra energy to this.
Yeah. Which is two things. C come to mind.
One we've already mentioned. Start with a thing you mutually
just really enjoy together.
Mm-Hmm. . Because if you are going to
lose sleep, give up rest, hire a babysitter, call grandma.
Like whatever that looks like for you. Right? Mm-Hmm.
to get some time together. Make it worthwhile.
The other thing though is I can see this struggle coming
if it hasn't already.
And that is one partner is really motivated
and the other partner is not.
And you're both exhausted parents. Mm-Hmm. .
And the thing I was thinking of was, instead of this,
the husband trying to be a dominant, when that maybe is not
who they are, I was thinking about
what if they embrace the idea of being a service top.
Mm. It's not a necessarily an innate role,
it's not necessarily part of their personality,
but if part of what they enjoy doing
with the submissive partner here is providing the pleasure
and making sure they're getting what they need.
Mm-Hmm. , I think role is much less important
than doing the thing, you know?
True. Because I I'm thinking of the exhausted parent,
the overworked parent, the overwhelmed parent going, ah,
I cannot see how we forge ahead with what we had before.
There's just too much else now going on.
And so that now maybe I don't feel like I have the energy
to be a dominant partner to try to do 24 7 again.
Mm-Hmm. . If it's not an innate part of
who they are, I would not try to put them back in
that category of dominant again.
I would go, let, let's throw out some la let's throw
the labels out right now.
, can you be this for me?
And then maybe do some, you know, a a little bit of research
and education on what it means to be a service top.
And if that resonates with them,
that might be easier to embrace.
True, true, true. And then if you've got a partner
who is embracing this idea of what they can be
with you in this kinky relationship,
then you've got somebody with a little bit of
enthusiasm who's like, Hey, wait, no, this,
I'll give up sleep for this.
I'll mm-Hmm. move around my day
and my schedule for this.
Let's, let's make something happen here. Yeah.
The other thing, and I think we've said it a few times in
the past when we've talked about this, to the extent
that you have access, uh,
lean on your community slash village, you know,
takes a village as a child.
Yep. Not everybody has access to that.
I, we don't, I haven't had anybody who, not
that we have kids who need watching anymore.
Mm-Hmm. . But I haven't had access to somebody
who could just easily watch ever.
We never, I never lived near my fa um,
mom while the kids were young.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, their biological father's
parents were across the country.
Yeah. Like, we didn't really have that.
We had to pay if we were gonna get, my mom
- Did a couple times. A few
- Times.
Yeah. A couple of times. But it wasn't like a regular
thing you could count on.
Right. No. Thankfully they age out of that
and then they don't even need babysitters.
And life is good. But if you can in some way secure
childcare Mm-Hmm.
person you trust to babysit
family members you trust.
Maybe they're in daycare or you have some access to go here.
I'm gonna put you with a trusted adult for a few hours.
I'll see you later if you have that. Absolutely.
Use that to your advantage for kink.
Um, I didn't do this with kink,
but I did this as a single mom and it was delightful.
I would take a paid day off of work every once in a while.
Like a mental health day
or just I had a day off to take Mm-Hmm.
I would send my children on
to their normal schedule.
Daycare before school care school after school care.
I never picked them up before.
Five o'clock on, on a normal day that day. I didn't either.
I dropped them off at like the seven o'clock timeframe.
I usually drop them off. Mm-Hmm. .
And I went and enjoyed myself .
I was like, this, this is me time.
And then by the time I picked them up at the five o'clock
hour mm-Hmm.
, I was pretty rested. And they didn't know
that they had missed out on mom .
I highly recommend that if you have access to that
as a parent, use that schedule it.
Take a vacation day. Like whatever kind
of paid time off you get
through an employer if that's available.
I know it's not available for all employers, I'm aware.
Um, schedule that in. That's your day to get your kink on.
That's maybe you only get like half an hour
where it's like part-time daycare or something.
One of those days. Every so often. Schedule it.
Take time off. Use it for fuckery. Mm-Hmm. .
That is the's not easy necessarily,
but to me that's kind of a way
that you can have some measure of guaranteed time together.
It won't always work out.
Something might happen with your partner needing to work.
You can't both get the time off something.
There will always be something.
But if you plan for it
and make it a priority,
you'll get it more often than you won't.
And then you get those points of connection
where you're not worried, uh oh, are we being too loud?
Am I gonna wake up a toddler or something? Yeah.
And the other thing is, is that you take, you know,
kink doesn't last an hour necessarily anymore.
You get 15 minutes and you take those 15 minutes.
Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. . And this is not the bullshit
advice of, you know, sleep while the baby sleeps kink.
While the baby sleeps. If you can, great , sometimes
they're like, when as they get older, they're playing.
You have a monitor. You get 10 minutes to yourself
to be like, pull my hair, spank my ass, do something.
Make me feel way,
- You know, - And you, you do, you get creative.
Mm-Hmm. , I would if, if your husband was your
dominant partner and this is what they wanted Mm-Hmm.
the advice would be, okay,
you're gonna look for power exchange.
That's very subtle. That doesn't look like power exchange no
more walking around naked or kneeling naked
or you probably not that, but you can do other things.
That's not this person's situation.
Their partner is gonna have it.
I think harder to be enthusiastic about getting back into
this because the,
the dominant role is not their natural role.
So I, you know, I wouldn't worry about power exchange
unless that's the thing you both crave.
If it is, that's fine, go for it.
But if it's like kink activities, kinky sex
focus there first focus on the pleasure
and what you just super excited when like, I would,
I would kill for some of, like,
for me it would be a spanking.
Mm-Hmm. . A paddling, a flogging.
It'd be like, I'd be like, hit me with something. Please.
We've only got five minutes. I'll take it. Right.
Whatever that activity is for both of you combined, that's
where your focus should be and
that you might only get little bits here
and there for a while.
Mm-Hmm. , I promise, I promise they grow up.
I promise. They they don't need you as much. .
There comes a time, I would never say parenting is easier.
It's just different. Like,
the things I worry about now are nothing like I was worried
about when they were two or three.
It's just not the same at all.
But I, I now get to expend the mental energy
as a parent instead of all the physical energy.
Right. I'm not changing anybody.
I'm not, I mean, frankly, now that the oldest is out
of the house, we're barely driving anybody anywhere.
'cause the youngest is like, no, I'm not going anywhere.
Um, but you know, there's that part of life
where you're basically your kid's chauffeur
until they can get themselves around
and, you know, it's just, there's different stages to this
and you will adjust and adapt.
If you can build in the habits now
and build in the connection that's meaningful to you both.
You can get through it and you can find a way that suits
your life and however many children you end up having one or
however many just know that the more children you have,
the longer it is until they're, they're mostly adults.
So I'm just true. True.
I don't care how many children a person decides to have,
but I just know personally, I was very glad
to be done at two .
I'm very glad to be on, on this side of parenting
where the oldest is, uh, grown adult
and the youngest is like, yeah.
Mid teenage years. Yeah.
It, it's easier to get your, your kink on that way.
just saying.
Um, so yeah, that's, it's not gonna be easy. No.
But if you can find what you're mutually really excited
to do it, I think it'll be worth it.
Yeah. Mm-Hmm. , thanks for listening
to this week's q and a episode.
If you want us to answer one of your questions,
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