1 00:00:10,625 --> 00:00:12,645 - You are listening to Loving BDSM podcast. 2 00:00:12,795 --> 00:00:16,045 What is our name? Oh my gosh. . Hi, I am Kayla Lords. 3 00:00:16,045 --> 00:00:18,205 If you're new here. Yeah. I don't know how to say our name. 4 00:00:18,925 --> 00:00:21,485 . Here was the one, the only, 5 00:00:21,745 --> 00:00:23,765 the too bad we record in the evening now. 6 00:00:23,925 --> 00:00:26,125 'cause I really think you need caffeine. John Brownstone. 7 00:00:27,075 --> 00:00:28,445 - That ain't gonna help . 8 00:00:30,145 --> 00:00:31,325 - You look a little bit like a, 9 00:00:31,595 --> 00:00:33,685 like you've seen some things . 10 00:00:34,235 --> 00:00:35,685 - I've seen shit in my life. Yeah. 11 00:00:35,705 --> 00:00:36,725 - Uh, clearly. Clearly. 12 00:00:37,225 --> 00:00:39,485 Uh, I wish I could caffeinate you . 13 00:00:39,645 --> 00:00:41,645 I know it's too late in the day and you'd never fall asleep. 14 00:00:42,185 --> 00:00:44,445 But I wish I could. I think you need it . 15 00:00:44,785 --> 00:00:46,765 Or maybe you know, you you need a shot? 16 00:00:46,945 --> 00:00:49,245 We could do tequila shot. Oh no. Nobody wants 17 00:00:49,245 --> 00:00:50,245 - To do tequila shots. 18 00:00:50,245 --> 00:00:51,165 - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 19 00:00:51,205 --> 00:00:52,245 I, no, I remembered, 20 00:00:52,365 --> 00:00:54,525 I remembered my own experience with tequila. 21 00:00:54,945 --> 00:00:56,685 That's not at all what we're here 22 00:00:56,685 --> 00:00:58,285 to talk about this week. 23 00:00:58,305 --> 00:01:00,325 Uh, we're answering a question from a submissive 24 00:01:00,325 --> 00:01:04,285 who would like to bring kink back to, uh, her 25 00:01:04,425 --> 00:01:07,005 and her partner's life after having a baby. 26 00:01:07,515 --> 00:01:09,205 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. 27 00:01:09,425 --> 00:01:11,245 If you're new here, yes, it's like this all the time, 28 00:01:11,265 --> 00:01:12,845 but we help kinks like you have happy, 29 00:01:12,845 --> 00:01:14,165 healthy power exchange relationships. 30 00:01:14,665 --> 00:01:16,445 Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app 31 00:01:16,445 --> 00:01:17,565 so you never miss an episode. 32 00:01:17,825 --> 00:01:20,365 And if you'd like us to answer your question in an upcoming 33 00:01:20,625 --> 00:01:23,685 one of these, uh, you can contact us, uh, on our website, 34 00:01:23,685 --> 00:01:25,205 loving bdsm.net. 35 00:01:25,425 --> 00:01:27,925 That's loving bdsm.net 36 00:01:28,185 --> 00:01:30,565 or in the link in the show notes for this episode. 37 00:01:31,195 --> 00:01:33,405 Okay. Let's get into the question. 38 00:01:34,315 --> 00:01:36,605 They say, I have a question with no easy answer. 39 00:01:36,985 --> 00:01:38,885 I'm happily married with a lifelong partner. 40 00:01:39,065 --> 00:01:41,085 He is perfect in every aspect of life. 41 00:01:41,545 --> 00:01:43,725 We have a son together. He's a great father to him 42 00:01:43,725 --> 00:01:44,885 and a great husband to me. 43 00:01:45,275 --> 00:01:47,845 He's supporting in every situation, is very kind and loving, 44 00:01:47,865 --> 00:01:48,925 and is always here for us. 45 00:01:49,665 --> 00:01:51,885 I'm trying to explain that he is the love of my life. 46 00:01:52,105 --> 00:01:54,925 He shows us how happy he is to spend time with us every day. 47 00:01:55,155 --> 00:01:57,365 Therefore, I consider myself very lucky 48 00:01:57,385 --> 00:01:59,325 and there is no scenario where I would want 49 00:01:59,325 --> 00:02:00,405 to live a life without him. 50 00:02:01,145 --> 00:02:03,125 The thing is, is that I'm very much more 51 00:02:03,245 --> 00:02:04,645 BDSM oriented than him. 52 00:02:04,965 --> 00:02:06,365 I always had a submissive mind, 53 00:02:06,365 --> 00:02:10,045 and it is one of my most important parts of my personality. 54 00:02:10,385 --> 00:02:13,565 He is, I would explain as mostly vanilla oriented, 55 00:02:13,785 --> 00:02:15,005 but he likes sex very much 56 00:02:15,065 --> 00:02:16,725 and likes to see me being satisfied. 57 00:02:17,105 --> 00:02:18,925 We already had a conversation about my needs 58 00:02:18,925 --> 00:02:20,085 and desires many times, 59 00:02:20,225 --> 00:02:23,285 and he really tried a lot to fulfill my wishes. 60 00:02:23,625 --> 00:02:24,725 It was never a hundred percent 61 00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:26,685 as he is not a dominant mind naturally, 62 00:02:27,185 --> 00:02:28,845 but it was really close to that number. 63 00:02:29,505 --> 00:02:32,285 He started to be confident in his role, saw me being happy, 64 00:02:32,305 --> 00:02:34,565 and that made him motivated to continue with this approach. 65 00:02:35,025 --> 00:02:37,525 We even lived in a 24 7 dynamic at one point. 66 00:02:38,205 --> 00:02:40,085 I always initiated every conversation. 67 00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:41,365 I explained everything. 68 00:02:41,445 --> 00:02:42,845 I helped him to explore this world 69 00:02:42,845 --> 00:02:44,285 as he is kind of shy in this way. 70 00:02:44,745 --> 00:02:47,805 But then we had a baby two years ago since family life is 71 00:02:47,885 --> 00:02:50,405 our common goal and now this BDSM part 72 00:02:50,405 --> 00:02:52,005 of our life is kind of not there anymore. 73 00:02:52,265 --> 00:02:53,725 We both work have our business. 74 00:02:53,725 --> 00:02:56,365 On top of that, we exercise and take care of our household 75 00:02:56,365 --> 00:02:58,085 and baby and simply, we do not have 76 00:02:58,225 --> 00:02:59,485 almost any time together. 77 00:02:59,545 --> 00:03:01,405 And when we do, we use it for rest since 78 00:03:01,405 --> 00:03:02,925 that is kind of essential to survive. 79 00:03:02,945 --> 00:03:04,285 Mm-Hmm. . We need help 80 00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:06,045 to reintroduce this part of our life back. 81 00:03:06,325 --> 00:03:08,565 I would say he can very simply live without it. 82 00:03:08,585 --> 00:03:11,285 But I'm struggling very much since I don't feel like myself. 83 00:03:11,585 --> 00:03:13,605 Please help us navigate through this situation. 84 00:03:14,625 --> 00:03:18,245 So I see it's a little bit more than just we had a baby. 85 00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:19,445 How do we get our kink life back? 86 00:03:19,585 --> 00:03:24,045 - Yep. Yep, yep. Um, right off the bat, I'd have to say, 87 00:03:24,185 --> 00:03:26,765 you know, with, uh, with a little one, 88 00:03:27,735 --> 00:03:29,685 seize the moment whenever you can. 89 00:03:30,845 --> 00:03:32,605 - I mean, - Yes. You know? Yeah. 90 00:03:32,725 --> 00:03:33,925 I mean, that's really the only, 91 00:03:34,705 --> 00:03:35,705 - Here's the thing. 92 00:03:36,245 --> 00:03:39,125 I am so grateful we never tried to have a kinky life while, 93 00:03:39,295 --> 00:03:40,765 while the boys were babies, 94 00:03:40,945 --> 00:03:42,885 we didn't even know one another while my children 95 00:03:42,995 --> 00:03:44,165 - Were babies. That is true. 96 00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:46,245 - But here's the thing I know about parenthood. 97 00:03:46,245 --> 00:03:48,565 When you have small ones who depend on you 98 00:03:48,625 --> 00:03:50,605 to like survive in this world Mm-Hmm. 99 00:03:50,645 --> 00:03:52,645 . And it's gonna sound harsh 100 00:03:52,665 --> 00:03:54,365 and it might even sound pessimistic. 101 00:03:55,225 --> 00:03:56,565 I'm gonna call myself pragmatic. 102 00:03:56,935 --> 00:03:58,645 There are certain parts of your life 103 00:03:58,675 --> 00:04:01,605 that you are not gonna get back to the extent 104 00:04:01,605 --> 00:04:03,845 that you had pre-kids post kids. 105 00:04:03,985 --> 00:04:05,925 Now you may eventually get back there. 106 00:04:06,025 --> 00:04:08,645 You might find some approximation that is equally 107 00:04:08,645 --> 00:04:10,685 as satisfying to you, but whatever you had 108 00:04:10,705 --> 00:04:14,245 before, you had to start taking care of another human life 109 00:04:14,245 --> 00:04:15,285 and keeping it alive. 110 00:04:16,395 --> 00:04:19,085 It's, it's, you're not getting that back anytime soon. 111 00:04:19,265 --> 00:04:22,045 So you're gonna have to get as close as you can. 112 00:04:22,905 --> 00:04:25,325 Um, and then just the thing I always like, 113 00:04:25,725 --> 00:04:27,725 I feel like I have to remind newer parents 114 00:04:27,725 --> 00:04:29,645 because it's easy to, to lose sight of this. 115 00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:35,285 They will not always be small children who depend on you 116 00:04:35,585 --> 00:04:36,885 for absolutely everything. 117 00:04:37,395 --> 00:04:40,445 This is barring anybody who happens to have a child 118 00:04:40,665 --> 00:04:42,605 who is disabled and will have lifelong needs. 119 00:04:42,625 --> 00:04:43,405 Mm-Hmm. . Like, we're not, 120 00:04:43,405 --> 00:04:44,445 that's not who we're talking about. 121 00:04:44,445 --> 00:04:45,645 That's a whole different ball game. 122 00:04:45,645 --> 00:04:47,925 And we would never be qualified to talk about that. 123 00:04:48,385 --> 00:04:50,925 But if in general you have sort of the typical 124 00:04:51,645 --> 00:04:55,685 parental life, however much time you don't have 125 00:04:55,705 --> 00:04:58,605 to yourself right now, it will not always be this way. 126 00:04:58,915 --> 00:05:01,165 They do grow up. They do become 127 00:05:01,675 --> 00:05:03,565 more independent and self-sufficient. 128 00:05:03,565 --> 00:05:05,605 Mm-Hmm. . Eventually they get old enough. 129 00:05:05,665 --> 00:05:08,525 You can like just walk away from your whole house 130 00:05:08,705 --> 00:05:10,045 and go do something without them. 131 00:05:10,905 --> 00:05:14,005 In the meantime, that's when it's very difficult. Yeah. 132 00:05:14,275 --> 00:05:15,965 Very, very difficult. So I agree with you. 133 00:05:15,965 --> 00:05:16,965 You do have to seize the moment. 134 00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:18,765 The other thing that I thought 135 00:05:18,765 --> 00:05:21,805 of when I read initially read this question was instead 136 00:05:21,805 --> 00:05:24,925 of trying to get back to whatever you had pre-baby 137 00:05:25,935 --> 00:05:27,925 start very small. 138 00:05:28,065 --> 00:05:29,205 Mm-Hmm. start. Mm-Hmm. 139 00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:31,645 with the thing. You both, if you can kind 140 00:05:31,645 --> 00:05:34,405 of sort of rank the things you'd like to do 141 00:05:34,425 --> 00:05:35,565 and that you miss and that was, 142 00:05:35,595 --> 00:05:36,605 that were really good for you. 143 00:05:37,555 --> 00:05:40,725 Sort of pick your mutual top one. Yeah. 144 00:05:40,725 --> 00:05:43,085 The one that you're both like, oh yeah, we could do that. 145 00:05:43,795 --> 00:05:44,805 That would be amazing. 146 00:05:45,625 --> 00:05:48,285 And then see if you can break it down into smaller pieces. 147 00:05:48,385 --> 00:05:49,925 If you can do it into smaller chunks. 148 00:05:49,925 --> 00:05:51,365 Like if the thing you miss were 149 00:05:51,955 --> 00:05:54,725 hour long scenes and kinky sex. 150 00:05:55,635 --> 00:05:58,685 Yeah. It's probably gonna, probably gonna be a while. 151 00:05:59,005 --> 00:06:01,885 - . Yeah. Yeah. Because you know, the, the thing is 152 00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:05,725 to get back to what you had is probably not going to be, 153 00:06:06,245 --> 00:06:07,845 I mean, you know, you, you, you're kind 154 00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:10,245 of forging new ground and setting up a whole new 155 00:06:10,935 --> 00:06:12,925 basis for it at this point. I mean, 156 00:06:12,945 --> 00:06:15,605 - The fact that you are exercising, 157 00:06:15,685 --> 00:06:17,245 taking care of your health Mm-Hmm. 158 00:06:17,285 --> 00:06:19,885 working jobs and you have a business while 159 00:06:19,885 --> 00:06:21,045 raising a child. 160 00:06:21,405 --> 00:06:23,365 I mean, the fact that you even know your own 161 00:06:23,365 --> 00:06:24,925 name is amazing to me. Right. 162 00:06:25,035 --> 00:06:26,285 - That that's a plateful, 163 00:06:26,625 --> 00:06:29,925 - All I did was work and have a kid 164 00:06:29,925 --> 00:06:32,245 or two depending on where I was in life 165 00:06:32,825 --> 00:06:34,805 and I couldn't even read a book 166 00:06:34,905 --> 00:06:36,645 for the first six years of parenting. 167 00:06:36,705 --> 00:06:39,205 So I can't imagine doing all the things you're doing 168 00:06:39,225 --> 00:06:41,725 and still trying to have a kink life on top of it. 169 00:06:41,755 --> 00:06:43,725 Yeah. It is possible. 170 00:06:43,755 --> 00:06:46,365 It's just not gonna look like what you're used to. 171 00:06:47,165 --> 00:06:48,165 I do think there's an extra 172 00:06:48,165 --> 00:06:49,645 wrinkle for this particular couple. 173 00:06:49,645 --> 00:06:51,805 Mm-Hmm. . And that is the submissive partner 174 00:06:52,385 --> 00:06:55,645 is much more, um, what's the word I want? 175 00:06:55,645 --> 00:06:57,365 Motivated Yeah. To make this happen. 176 00:06:57,365 --> 00:07:00,165 Whereas their husband 177 00:07:00,835 --> 00:07:02,725 clearly will do what makes them happy. 178 00:07:02,795 --> 00:07:05,205 That becomes like this great feedback loop of, Hey, 179 00:07:05,285 --> 00:07:06,805 I like seeing you happy, I'll keep going. 180 00:07:06,975 --> 00:07:08,805 Right. But with everything going on, 181 00:07:08,965 --> 00:07:11,085 I could see them having zero incentive 182 00:07:11,345 --> 00:07:12,845 to give extra energy to this. 183 00:07:12,845 --> 00:07:15,885 Yeah. Which is two things. C come to mind. 184 00:07:15,905 --> 00:07:18,805 One we've already mentioned. Start with a thing you mutually 185 00:07:19,435 --> 00:07:21,245 just really enjoy together. 186 00:07:21,265 --> 00:07:23,725 Mm-Hmm. . Because if you are going to 187 00:07:24,435 --> 00:07:29,125 lose sleep, give up rest, hire a babysitter, call grandma. 188 00:07:29,195 --> 00:07:31,365 Like whatever that looks like for you. Right? Mm-Hmm. 189 00:07:31,405 --> 00:07:35,805 to get some time together. Make it worthwhile. 190 00:07:36,745 --> 00:07:39,165 The other thing though is I can see this struggle coming 191 00:07:39,185 --> 00:07:40,205 if it hasn't already. 192 00:07:40,625 --> 00:07:42,725 And that is one partner is really motivated 193 00:07:42,785 --> 00:07:43,805 and the other partner is not. 194 00:07:43,805 --> 00:07:46,205 And you're both exhausted parents. Mm-Hmm. . 195 00:07:46,625 --> 00:07:50,365 And the thing I was thinking of was, instead of this, 196 00:07:50,625 --> 00:07:53,285 the husband trying to be a dominant, when that maybe is not 197 00:07:53,345 --> 00:07:55,165 who they are, I was thinking about 198 00:07:55,195 --> 00:07:57,685 what if they embrace the idea of being a service top. 199 00:07:58,225 --> 00:08:01,685 Mm. It's not a necessarily an innate role, 200 00:08:01,755 --> 00:08:04,045 it's not necessarily part of their personality, 201 00:08:04,305 --> 00:08:06,925 but if part of what they enjoy doing 202 00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:11,165 with the submissive partner here is providing the pleasure 203 00:08:11,705 --> 00:08:13,645 and making sure they're getting what they need. 204 00:08:13,745 --> 00:08:16,805 Mm-Hmm. , I think role is much less important 205 00:08:17,355 --> 00:08:20,365 than doing the thing, you know? 206 00:08:20,475 --> 00:08:23,525 True. Because I I'm thinking of the exhausted parent, 207 00:08:23,585 --> 00:08:27,525 the overworked parent, the overwhelmed parent going, ah, 208 00:08:27,805 --> 00:08:31,005 I cannot see how we forge ahead with what we had before. 209 00:08:31,195 --> 00:08:33,365 There's just too much else now going on. 210 00:08:34,065 --> 00:08:36,445 And so that now maybe I don't feel like I have the energy 211 00:08:36,505 --> 00:08:39,245 to be a dominant partner to try to do 24 7 again. 212 00:08:39,245 --> 00:08:41,165 Mm-Hmm. . If it's not an innate part of 213 00:08:41,165 --> 00:08:45,285 who they are, I would not try to put them back in 214 00:08:45,595 --> 00:08:47,605 that category of dominant again. 215 00:08:47,765 --> 00:08:49,965 I would go, let, let's throw out some la let's throw 216 00:08:49,965 --> 00:08:51,045 the labels out right now. 217 00:08:51,445 --> 00:08:53,405 , can you be this for me? 218 00:08:53,425 --> 00:08:55,725 And then maybe do some, you know, a a little bit of research 219 00:08:55,725 --> 00:08:58,365 and education on what it means to be a service top. 220 00:08:59,385 --> 00:09:02,725 And if that resonates with them, 221 00:09:02,795 --> 00:09:04,525 that might be easier to embrace. 222 00:09:04,715 --> 00:09:06,525 True, true, true. And then if you've got a partner 223 00:09:06,585 --> 00:09:08,925 who is embracing this idea of what they can be 224 00:09:08,925 --> 00:09:10,845 with you in this kinky relationship, 225 00:09:11,475 --> 00:09:12,845 then you've got somebody with a little bit of 226 00:09:13,365 --> 00:09:15,485 enthusiasm who's like, Hey, wait, no, this, 227 00:09:16,315 --> 00:09:17,405 I'll give up sleep for this. 228 00:09:17,635 --> 00:09:19,205 I'll mm-Hmm. move around my day 229 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:20,365 and my schedule for this. 230 00:09:20,455 --> 00:09:22,445 Let's, let's make something happen here. Yeah. 231 00:09:23,825 --> 00:09:26,405 The other thing, and I think we've said it a few times in 232 00:09:26,405 --> 00:09:29,085 the past when we've talked about this, to the extent 233 00:09:29,085 --> 00:09:31,165 that you have access, uh, 234 00:09:31,475 --> 00:09:34,245 lean on your community slash village, you know, 235 00:09:34,255 --> 00:09:35,605 takes a village as a child. 236 00:09:35,785 --> 00:09:37,805 Yep. Not everybody has access to that. 237 00:09:38,085 --> 00:09:40,405 I, we don't, I haven't had anybody who, not 238 00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:42,125 that we have kids who need watching anymore. 239 00:09:42,125 --> 00:09:44,365 Mm-Hmm. . But I haven't had access to somebody 240 00:09:44,365 --> 00:09:47,765 who could just easily watch ever. 241 00:09:48,265 --> 00:09:51,485 We never, I never lived near my fa um, 242 00:09:52,065 --> 00:09:53,845 mom while the kids were young. 243 00:09:53,845 --> 00:09:55,925 Mm-Hmm. . Um, their biological father's 244 00:09:55,925 --> 00:09:57,045 parents were across the country. 245 00:09:57,045 --> 00:09:58,165 Yeah. Like, we didn't really have that. 246 00:09:58,165 --> 00:10:00,405 We had to pay if we were gonna get, my mom 247 00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:01,925 - Did a couple times. A few 248 00:10:01,925 --> 00:10:02,925 - Times. 249 00:10:02,925 --> 00:10:04,605 Yeah. A couple of times. But it wasn't like a regular 250 00:10:04,775 --> 00:10:05,885 thing you could count on. 251 00:10:05,885 --> 00:10:07,965 Right. No. Thankfully they age out of that 252 00:10:07,965 --> 00:10:09,445 and then they don't even need babysitters. 253 00:10:09,445 --> 00:10:13,045 And life is good. But if you can in some way secure 254 00:10:13,515 --> 00:10:14,885 childcare Mm-Hmm. 255 00:10:14,925 --> 00:10:16,245 person you trust to babysit 256 00:10:16,585 --> 00:10:17,885 family members you trust. 257 00:10:18,335 --> 00:10:22,845 Maybe they're in daycare or you have some access to go here. 258 00:10:22,905 --> 00:10:24,685 I'm gonna put you with a trusted adult for a few hours. 259 00:10:24,715 --> 00:10:29,165 I'll see you later if you have that. Absolutely. 260 00:10:29,265 --> 00:10:31,085 Use that to your advantage for kink. 261 00:10:31,985 --> 00:10:33,325 Um, I didn't do this with kink, 262 00:10:33,345 --> 00:10:35,405 but I did this as a single mom and it was delightful. 263 00:10:35,965 --> 00:10:39,045 I would take a paid day off of work every once in a while. 264 00:10:39,675 --> 00:10:40,685 Like a mental health day 265 00:10:40,685 --> 00:10:42,165 or just I had a day off to take Mm-Hmm. 266 00:10:42,205 --> 00:10:43,925 I would send my children on 267 00:10:43,925 --> 00:10:45,565 to their normal schedule. 268 00:10:45,755 --> 00:10:48,805 Daycare before school care school after school care. 269 00:10:49,405 --> 00:10:50,445 I never picked them up before. 270 00:10:50,445 --> 00:10:53,885 Five o'clock on, on a normal day that day. I didn't either. 271 00:10:54,005 --> 00:10:56,805 I dropped them off at like the seven o'clock timeframe. 272 00:10:56,885 --> 00:10:58,045 I usually drop them off. Mm-Hmm. . 273 00:10:58,105 --> 00:10:59,725 And I went and enjoyed myself . 274 00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:01,405 I was like, this, this is me time. 275 00:11:01,865 --> 00:11:04,085 And then by the time I picked them up at the five o'clock 276 00:11:04,275 --> 00:11:05,285 hour mm-Hmm. 277 00:11:05,325 --> 00:11:07,485 , I was pretty rested. And they didn't know 278 00:11:07,485 --> 00:11:09,325 that they had missed out on mom . 279 00:11:09,525 --> 00:11:12,085 I highly recommend that if you have access to that 280 00:11:12,085 --> 00:11:14,485 as a parent, use that schedule it. 281 00:11:14,485 --> 00:11:16,125 Take a vacation day. Like whatever kind 282 00:11:16,125 --> 00:11:17,205 of paid time off you get 283 00:11:17,205 --> 00:11:18,885 through an employer if that's available. 284 00:11:19,325 --> 00:11:21,805 I know it's not available for all employers, I'm aware. 285 00:11:22,545 --> 00:11:26,645 Um, schedule that in. That's your day to get your kink on. 286 00:11:26,665 --> 00:11:29,125 That's maybe you only get like half an hour 287 00:11:29,125 --> 00:11:31,405 where it's like part-time daycare or something. 288 00:11:31,985 --> 00:11:34,965 One of those days. Every so often. Schedule it. 289 00:11:34,965 --> 00:11:38,325 Take time off. Use it for fuckery. Mm-Hmm. . 290 00:11:38,325 --> 00:11:42,525 That is the's not easy necessarily, 291 00:11:42,665 --> 00:11:44,685 but to me that's kind of a way 292 00:11:44,685 --> 00:11:49,005 that you can have some measure of guaranteed time together. 293 00:11:49,145 --> 00:11:50,245 It won't always work out. 294 00:11:50,245 --> 00:11:52,485 Something might happen with your partner needing to work. 295 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,400 You can't both get the time off something. 296 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:55,845 There will always be something. 297 00:11:56,385 --> 00:11:57,605 But if you plan for it 298 00:11:57,605 --> 00:11:58,685 and make it a priority, 299 00:11:58,685 --> 00:12:00,605 you'll get it more often than you won't. 300 00:12:01,025 --> 00:12:02,565 And then you get those points of connection 301 00:12:02,565 --> 00:12:05,165 where you're not worried, uh oh, are we being too loud? 302 00:12:05,165 --> 00:12:07,245 Am I gonna wake up a toddler or something? Yeah. 303 00:12:07,625 --> 00:12:10,445 And the other thing is, is that you take, you know, 304 00:12:10,635 --> 00:12:13,045 kink doesn't last an hour necessarily anymore. 305 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,405 You get 15 minutes and you take those 15 minutes. 306 00:12:15,405 --> 00:12:17,205 Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. . And this is not the bullshit 307 00:12:17,205 --> 00:12:19,765 advice of, you know, sleep while the baby sleeps kink. 308 00:12:19,765 --> 00:12:24,085 While the baby sleeps. If you can, great , sometimes 309 00:12:24,755 --> 00:12:27,085 they're like, when as they get older, they're playing. 310 00:12:28,105 --> 00:12:30,965 You have a monitor. You get 10 minutes to yourself 311 00:12:30,985 --> 00:12:33,925 to be like, pull my hair, spank my ass, do something. 312 00:12:34,555 --> 00:12:35,725 Make me feel way, 313 00:12:36,265 --> 00:12:41,245 - You know, - And you, you do, you get creative. 314 00:12:41,245 --> 00:12:45,445 Mm-Hmm. , I would if, if your husband was your 315 00:12:45,965 --> 00:12:47,765 dominant partner and this is what they wanted Mm-Hmm. 316 00:12:47,805 --> 00:12:49,405 the advice would be, okay, 317 00:12:49,405 --> 00:12:51,005 you're gonna look for power exchange. 318 00:12:51,005 --> 00:12:53,245 That's very subtle. That doesn't look like power exchange no 319 00:12:53,245 --> 00:12:55,205 more walking around naked or kneeling naked 320 00:12:55,305 --> 00:12:57,845 or you probably not that, but you can do other things. 321 00:12:57,985 --> 00:13:00,085 That's not this person's situation. 322 00:13:00,455 --> 00:13:02,365 Their partner is gonna have it. 323 00:13:02,405 --> 00:13:05,645 I think harder to be enthusiastic about getting back into 324 00:13:05,645 --> 00:13:07,045 this because the, 325 00:13:07,065 --> 00:13:09,005 the dominant role is not their natural role. 326 00:13:09,985 --> 00:13:12,725 So I, you know, I wouldn't worry about power exchange 327 00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:14,285 unless that's the thing you both crave. 328 00:13:14,305 --> 00:13:16,405 If it is, that's fine, go for it. 329 00:13:16,625 --> 00:13:19,285 But if it's like kink activities, kinky sex 330 00:13:20,335 --> 00:13:22,405 focus there first focus on the pleasure 331 00:13:22,405 --> 00:13:24,845 and what you just super excited when like, I would, 332 00:13:25,125 --> 00:13:27,325 I would kill for some of, like, 333 00:13:27,325 --> 00:13:28,405 for me it would be a spanking. 334 00:13:28,585 --> 00:13:30,165 Mm-Hmm. . A paddling, a flogging. 335 00:13:30,165 --> 00:13:32,165 It'd be like, I'd be like, hit me with something. Please. 336 00:13:32,615 --> 00:13:34,805 We've only got five minutes. I'll take it. Right. 337 00:13:35,925 --> 00:13:38,965 Whatever that activity is for both of you combined, that's 338 00:13:38,965 --> 00:13:40,285 where your focus should be and 339 00:13:40,285 --> 00:13:42,245 that you might only get little bits here 340 00:13:42,245 --> 00:13:43,245 and there for a while. 341 00:13:43,305 --> 00:13:46,285 Mm-Hmm. , I promise, I promise they grow up. 342 00:13:46,445 --> 00:13:49,085 I promise. They they don't need you as much. . 343 00:13:49,775 --> 00:13:53,165 There comes a time, I would never say parenting is easier. 344 00:13:53,635 --> 00:13:54,845 It's just different. Like, 345 00:13:54,845 --> 00:13:58,125 the things I worry about now are nothing like I was worried 346 00:13:58,125 --> 00:13:59,405 about when they were two or three. 347 00:13:59,435 --> 00:14:00,885 It's just not the same at all. 348 00:14:01,785 --> 00:14:05,125 But I, I now get to expend the mental energy 349 00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:07,405 as a parent instead of all the physical energy. 350 00:14:07,405 --> 00:14:08,925 Right. I'm not changing anybody. 351 00:14:09,385 --> 00:14:12,205 I'm not, I mean, frankly, now that the oldest is out 352 00:14:12,205 --> 00:14:14,805 of the house, we're barely driving anybody anywhere. 353 00:14:15,085 --> 00:14:16,725 'cause the youngest is like, no, I'm not going anywhere. 354 00:14:17,225 --> 00:14:19,325 Um, but you know, there's that part of life 355 00:14:19,325 --> 00:14:21,365 where you're basically your kid's chauffeur 356 00:14:21,455 --> 00:14:23,085 until they can get themselves around 357 00:14:23,225 --> 00:14:27,005 and, you know, it's just, there's different stages to this 358 00:14:27,105 --> 00:14:29,005 and you will adjust and adapt. 359 00:14:29,385 --> 00:14:31,125 If you can build in the habits now 360 00:14:31,185 --> 00:14:33,725 and build in the connection that's meaningful to you both. 361 00:14:34,225 --> 00:14:37,165 You can get through it and you can find a way that suits 362 00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:41,925 your life and however many children you end up having one or 363 00:14:42,075 --> 00:14:44,445 however many just know that the more children you have, 364 00:14:44,505 --> 00:14:46,885 the longer it is until they're, they're mostly adults. 365 00:14:46,945 --> 00:14:48,525 So I'm just true. True. 366 00:14:48,885 --> 00:14:51,685 I don't care how many children a person decides to have, 367 00:14:51,785 --> 00:14:54,845 but I just know personally, I was very glad 368 00:14:54,845 --> 00:14:55,925 to be done at two . 369 00:14:56,225 --> 00:14:58,885 I'm very glad to be on, on this side of parenting 370 00:14:58,885 --> 00:15:00,885 where the oldest is, uh, grown adult 371 00:15:00,985 --> 00:15:02,725 and the youngest is like, yeah. 372 00:15:02,825 --> 00:15:03,965 Mid teenage years. Yeah. 373 00:15:04,065 --> 00:15:06,765 It, it's easier to get your, your kink on that way. 374 00:15:07,085 --> 00:15:08,845 just saying. 375 00:15:09,465 --> 00:15:13,725 Um, so yeah, that's, it's not gonna be easy. No. 376 00:15:13,905 --> 00:15:16,165 But if you can find what you're mutually really excited 377 00:15:16,165 --> 00:15:17,685 to do it, I think it'll be worth it. 378 00:15:17,795 --> 00:15:19,765 Yeah. Mm-Hmm. , thanks for listening 379 00:15:19,765 --> 00:15:21,125 to this week's q and a episode. 380 00:15:21,185 --> 00:15:22,805 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 381 00:15:22,875 --> 00:15:25,805 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, 382 00:15:25,865 --> 00:15:27,885 or you can find the link in the show notes. 383 00:15:28,265 --> 00:15:30,765 Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon, 384 00:15:30,895 --> 00:15:33,165 we're able to do this podcast and keep it going 385 00:15:33,165 --> 00:15:35,005 and help Sters due to your support. 386 00:15:35,465 --> 00:15:37,125 If you'd like to be part of our community 387 00:15:37,125 --> 00:15:38,405 and get access to extra content 388 00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:40,605 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 389 00:15:40,605 --> 00:15:42,045 super nice kink sters, you can do that. 390 00:15:42,235 --> 00:15:44,685 Just join us at patreon.com/killer lords. 391 00:15:44,685 --> 00:15:47,645 That's patreon.com/kayla lords. 392 00:15:47,665 --> 00:15:48,965 Or use the link in the show notes.