- You are listening to the Living BDSM podcast,
episode 3 96.
Okay. The Lord's here with the one, the only, the,
I wish you could have taken a longer nap.
I know you're tired, John Brownstone. Yeah.
I mean, I think if it had been a longer nap,
we would not be recording slash streaming right now.
Be sitting here now. You would've slept
straight through that night.
Mm-Hmm. , uh, fingers crossed.
That means you sleep good tonight. I hope so. Yeah. Yeah.
So if you wanna know
what a tired John Brownstone looks like,
go watch the video , because there's no hiding it.
Don't worry. I can, I can talk
enough for two or three people.
So you, you just chime in when you need to
and I'll handle the rest.
I'm, I'm just here for eye candy today.
And you are, Hey, I don't look on my own.
I know how to talk to myself. Okay?
I sound like a crazy person. Whatever.
I give great advice even to myself.
Uh, but here with the microphone now, I need you at least
to bounce off of, even if you don't have a lot to say,
, if I think I'm talking to you
and not into the void, I can do it.
Okay? So don't you worry, , that is not at all
what we're talking about, except I would say
that I do think that you, your presence, you, your love,
our relationship probably does ground and center me.
So I guess it does kind of relate, okay?
We're talking about, um, as a kinky person
who has certain kinks for us,
and maybe something for you to think about.
What grounds us, what centers us?
What is grounding your centering even mean?
And what, if any, kinks, like, get us into that space.
We need to be in that.
That's what we're talking about this week.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.
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Okay. So fan going on. It is much cooler in here. Oh, yeah.
Than it would be if we were doing
this in the middle of the day.
Correct. But yeah, we still need the fan. Yep. Okay.
So before we get into the this week's topic, uh,
announcement, we're going live Friday night, uh, uh,
assuming that we are healthy enough for it, .
If JB is sick, I'll probably go live,
but not for the full time.
If we are both sick, we may postpone is all I'm saying.
Um, but assuming everybody's healthy , ,
Friday, May 17th, 9:30 PM Eastern will be live on YouTube
for our monthly virtual Munch q
and a thing, uh, where it's chaotic on purpose.
So, and I don't apologize for the chaos there. No, no, no.
Um, so yeah, that is coming up.
Uh, we link to it in our weekly newsletter.
Um, if you're subscribed to our YouTube channel,
hopefully the notifications work
and you find out when we are going live.
Um, so yeah, we hope you can join us. Okay.
This week's topic on what grounds us
and centers us in kink, like kink activities
or parts of our kink life that give us
that grounded or centered feeling.
This topic came to me when JB pulled my
hair, .
Look, I cut off all my hair yet again,
podcast listeners, you can't see.
It's fine. And, uh, it had to pass the hair pull check now.
It was a little late once the hair got cut,
but, you know, we needed to test.
And, uh, he did.
- He, it's just fine. It's perfect.
- It's perfect. Um,
and I realized in that moment, I'd been, I'd been, I,
it's been a bad brain week for me this week.
Like, I've just been, I've been off. Um, and for, it's
- Been that way for me too. Yeah, it,
- It's, yeah.
So whatever's going on with us,
it's probably been creeping up on us.
Um, but in that moment when I'm feeling like that,
that just stinging tight, oh my god.
Pain from having my hair pulled for like three seconds.
I was no thoughts, just vibes. Like, I was just like,
- Everything just kind of snapped back into,
- Oh yeah.
I was like, Ooh. And then for a few minutes afterwards,
I was like, oh, there I am.
I remember me like this .
It didn't last long enough, ,
but I, yeah, I went, oh, and, and a topic was born.
So here we are. So let's talk first about what does it mean
to be centered or grounded?
They're technically two different terms.
A lot of people do use them interchangeably. Mm-Hmm.
. Um, I tried to find a source that felt
reputable , um, but take it with a grain of salt.
And if you have a very, like, an understanding for yourself
of what it means to be grounded or centered, keep it
where I don't, I don't know enough.
I'm just, I found a source that I went
that feels right, that feels reputable.
'cause when I say centered and grounded, if you ask me
to define it, I'd be like, no, I know.
It's one of those words. I know
what it means just through using it.
. Don't ask me
for the Webster Dictionary definition.
So to, to the internet, I went,
so this is from Psychology Today.
Somebody wrote an article called What is Centering?
What Is Grounding? I have linked to it in the places,
so if you wanna read it for yourself, great.
Um, but this is, um,
it's a couple paragraphs about centering and, um, grounding.
Say centering usually refers to our mental
and physical state of mind.
It's the place we know we have to get back to.
When we're not feeling like ourselves,
when we're not centered, we might feel lost
or out of touch with ourselves.
When we center ourselves, we bring calm to our emotions.
Uh, we do so by slowing down our breathing so
that we feel more of what's going on around us.
Becoming centered is a way to find peace within the chaos
that might be surrounding us.
It's all, it's about being air, quote in check
with what's going on.
Individuals who are centered are
typically calm and peaceful.
Uh, so post kink scene is
what I like's being described here.
Oh, that feeling when I'm like, oh. Oh.
There I'm again, . I recognize me. Okay. Mm-Hmm.
. So, grounding. Grounding is a term used in
conjunction with the energy fields around us.
Uh, being grounded means that we're content with who we are,
we're sure of ourselves, and have
confidence in the decisions we make.
Becoming grounded is about getting rid
of excessive energy in the body,
allowing clean energy to come through.
When we ground ourselves, we're calming
or slowing down our emotions
and getting more in touch with our internal
and external worlds.
Grounding our energy can be helpful when we feel either
unbalanced or nervous.
Being grounded also means that we're more mindful
with respect to our environment.
I can see why those terms get used interchangeably. Mm-Hmm.
, I can see how they can be
seen as different things.
Yep. I also think
that one kink activity can do both .
Does that make sense? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yep.
So, um, yeah, I, I,
I totally vibe with that whole idea.
If I'm, if I'm centered, I am back to myself, I am Mm-Hmm.
I'm in that space of, uh,
the way I keep saying it, there I am.
You like this, this is the me I wanna be.
This is the me that I, I've, that feels most right.
It, for me, it is not the chaotic me.
It's not the, the way I've been going since what,
last week sometime the executive dysfunction me, who cannot
do, like, I can't make a decision.
I can't focus on anything.
I know what I need to do and how I need to do it,
and I can't like that.
And then the anxiety that sometimes comes
with executive dysfunction, and sometimes it's just there
because high anxiety.
Just because, just because, just because.
Um, and so in brief moments,
specific to kink, not specific.
Mm-Hmm. Because you can get grounded or centered in a
lot of non kink ways.
Right. But, and I'm sure I do.
I just don't think of it that way. But in kink,
I feel like I notice it more
because I, it is that sort of snapback of, oh,
I'm clear for a moment.
All all is clear.
When you were pulling my hair last night,
all I could think about and focus on was that sharp pull
of like, individual strands.
'cause it's not like you take a, just a chunk
and they all pull up together.
Mm-Hmm. , it's all like uneven.
So one part will be like this kind of dull kind of pull.
And another part will be like, oh,
fire in my scalp grave, .
But when that's happening, all I am focused on
is the sensation and the moment.
'cause when you do it, it is
for us an absolute act of dominance.
Like you are, you are in charge and you are reminding
- Me.
Now. Now, would you say, when I do something like that,
when I grab your hair
and pull it, is it like a instant thing?
Like a switch being flipped
- Or, um, I think maybe as it pertains
to grounding it is because I could be off floaty
and like, not being, not paying attention, not focused, not,
you know, feeling like I can move forward and do anything.
And in that moment, everything comes into focus.
, . I mean, am I focused solely on
hand in hair that burning?
Like all of it? Like, it's all of it at once. Mm.
In the moment. I can't really pull out all
the things that I feel.
I just know, I feel it all.
The thing I feel most overwhelmingly sensation wise is any
strands that are being pulled,
and it's that burn kind of pull.
But the, the feeling like I can take a deep breath again,
that is usually either towards
the end or right as you let go.
Mm-Hmm. I kinda go, whew.
'cause while, again, this is personal,
it's me having my hair pulled while you're doing that, I
no thoughts there.
There's no room for thoughts.
I just feel, and I,
and especially it was what yesterday, I am
very much reminded of who I am.
Like I know who I am instead of having a lot
of the chaotic thoughts, I tend to,
or the, the anxious thoughts that I tend to
where I question everything and then I get sort of paralyzed
and can't do anything,
can't go left or right, can't go forward.
I'm like, I'm just, I'm a mess
when something happens.
And it, you know, maybe it's not a kink thing,
but in this case, when it's a kink thing, like I,
even if it's brief for a very brief moment during
the whole duration of the during
and then for a brief moment afterwards.
Mm-Hmm. . I can just take a deep breath again.
Okay. And I, it, I don't, to me it's an easy way
specific care pulling, but we're
gonna get into others later.
It's a quick, easy headspace check. Okay.
If that makes sense. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
. And when I'm in my submissive headspace,
I have found this to be true.
Since I figured out I was kinky, everything else falls away.
I get real focused on 'em in a, a submissive headspace.
Because when I'm, when I'm being your submissive,
and that is all that matters in that moment.
Mm-Hmm. . Whether it's a physical thing
or a, you know, baby girl, go do this thing.
Or this is just my task. I do, my purpose is very clear.
There's no room for questions.
I know what I'm supposed to do. Mm-Hmm.
, because you told me what to do, .
We have enough years of experience. I know what to do.
And all I have to do is that outside
of those moments, Mm-Hmm.
, it's chaos.
Everything's coming at me at once.
And it's all the responsibilities and it's all the choices
and it's all, it's all of it.
And it's very easy on what I call bad brain weeks
or timeframes to just be like
floating in space with no tether.
It's like being tethered.
It's like having an anchor or having something to hold onto.
And I'm no longer just floating lost. Okay.
Is this a moment where I am?
Everybody is reminded about how, how
not spicy your brain is because you are supportive,
but you also are kind.
Tell me if I'm wrong, 'cause I know you will. Okay.
The, the vibe I'm getting is you're like, wow.
Oh, that, that must be really tough. , I
- Can't imagine .
- Oh, like you're, you're empathetic
but you don't necessarily have, uh,
personal experience
that is in your own brain. Okay. .
- That is correct. That is correct.
- So is it a little bit like you're watching a movie
with subtitles?
'cause I'm speaking another language ,
and you're like, yeah, pretty
- Much I get what's going on here.
- Yeah. I, we are following the notes because Mm-Hmm.
, I did not want this to be chaotic
or more so than usual.
So, uh, those are the reasons I tend to need
to be centered or grounded.
. How, how do you feel about the idea of it?
Can you think of times when you're like,
I I need this. I've had this.
- Um, I, I, I think that there are
absolutely times I need that.
Uh, because there are times I feel, um, you know,
I am the decider in the relationship.
And, uh, sometimes it gets overwhelming Sure.
With everything that's going on between stuff
with the youngest, between finances, between the, the,
the wood shop, between lb, between,
between, between, between,
- Between everything we do.
LB is loving. BD sm sorry. Yeah. We forget.
We don't have to talk in code with y'all. Yeah.
- So, um, you know, there, there are times all
that stuff just, uh,
becomes a lot. Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm. -
- Have you, we'll get into
what kink activities make us feel this way.
Mm-Hmm. But can, can you think of a time when in kink you,
it has a thing you've done has given you
that centered or that grounded feeling? Like do you have
- Absolutely.
Um, I, for me I think it's more centering. Mm.
Than grounding. Mm-Hmm. .
And, um, it, it comes to me like,
it, it, last night, pulling your hair.
- Oh. It's just like a, a thing you're gonna get
- For, for me, for me, it's kind of a thing. Ah, you
- Just do it.
Like, no, you know, a lot, not a lot of forethought to it.
- It, it does not happen all the time. No,
- It does not, not often enough either.
- Um, she said love the, the, the one time
or times that I could say it, it definitely kind
of does happen, is when we are doing a scene
of any duration.
- Oh. So when you get that kind of,
that narrowed focus you get in dom space.
Yes. Yes. And that, so I'm curious, when you're in Dom space
and you get to have that like,
super specific focus, like Mm-Hmm.
, when we seen you're focused
because you're a responsible human being
who does not wanna harm me and
- Don't wanna, don't wanna break my toys
- Non-consensual Ways.
Right? Right. But so separate from that kind
of just attention, you're paying dom space,
focus, that kind of focus.
Mm-Hmm. , that's a
centering kind of moment for you.
Yeah. So I know
that at least in the past when the aftermath of
that the scene is over, everything's slowed down, you tend
to be really hyped up because that focus was so strong.
Yes. Does that mean that when the scene's over
and there's no need for that focus anymore,
that you feel less centered?
Or do you still feel centered?
You just have energy when you do
- Something with, I, I still, I still feel centered.
It does last a while after. Mm-Hmm.
, um, when we do the scenes at night, you know,
when we've either been at a party, the club
or whatever, um, I know you, when you are done, you,
you're ready to close your eyes and, and,
and pretty much go to sleep. I'm
- Basically as relaxed as I can physically be
without medication.
, I will get hungry, please feed me. But yeah.
Other, mostly I wanna go to sleep
- And, and see, for me it is the exact opposite.
Yeah. I know. I am wound up and I I'm ready to go, man.
I'm firing all, all cylinders.
- Is it, is it part, partly
because everything within you mentally, emotionally kind
of comes together because you're centered,
everything's just real clear and you are who you are
and all the other outlying like annoyances have fallen away.
Is that like, it's a question I'm actually asking
- - , he's already gone.
Y'all, he is not centered right now. No.
So when after the scene and you're like ready to go,
and you got the energy and the focus
and you're saying, yeah, you are still centered, is it maybe
because, or is it for another reason?
Is it because you are back
to yourself in a way?
There's no, there's, it's not that the outside
chaos isn't there.
Is it that it doesn't matter or you're able to tune
- It out?
It's, it's, it's not as pertinent at that point. Gotcha.
Okay. Gotcha. Because, um, you know,
let's face it, you know, doing, doing a scene,
there's a lot of stuff involved with that.
You know, you, you kind of have to
put a lot of your focus in there.
Sure. Which can be tiring to do that.
You can't, can't just, you know, okay, yeah.
I'm gonna, you know, pull out a paddle and flogger
and, you know, la la la da la
- Da.
Yeah. Not for a, a planned scene. Sure, sure. Right. Yeah.
Yeah.
- So I lost my thought.
- It's o it's okay. It's okay.
I'll, I don't know where your thought was,
but I did have another question.
- Okay. - Which is, is sort of the irony
of if you know the things that can ground you or center you
and you know, that's good for you,
that doesn't mean they don't still get avoided.
And here's why I ask that. Mm-Hmm.
for all that, you know,
that if the stars align,
'cause dom space, subspace,
none of that's guaranteed, right?
Correct. So dom space is not a guarantee for you,
but you know what it does for you.
And yet for a variety of reasons we don't see
as often as we used
- To - .
Yeah. Lots of reasons.
This is not, I don't want this to come across as I'm like,
well, why aren't we seeing, well,
that's not the question I'm asking
because I know how my brain works.
And so I'm wondering if this is maybe something similar.
Do you sometimes kind of tell yourself,
I don't have it in me to scene because mm-Hmm.
, there's too much going on. I am tired.
It's too chaotic. I can't focus.
And do you forget that the outcome of that scene could be
that you get your focus back? Like, does
- That ever come into play?
And there, there, there lies the conundrum. Uhhuh
- .
Oh no, I feel you. I
- Feel you.
I, because, yeah.
Um, it, it's very easy for me to become
overwhelmed with everything.
Especially, especially lately.
Um, you know, we're, we're juggling a lot
of hats right now. Sure.
- Do you know your metaphor
for juggling changes every time you say it?
I would like somebody to go back in
the archives and clock it.
We have juggled so many things right now.
We're juggling hats. Uh, it's fine. It's fine.
I find it, I find it very endearing.
- Okay. So, um, you know,
and it's funny how that, how, how the mind works like that
because you know that doing something like that can,
can kind of bring you back and,
and take that, that that stress and that tension and,
and re relieve it.
But when you're mired in all the stuff, right,
it's like, how, how are we gonna
find time to do this? Right,
- , it's, there's no, it's, I I would say it,
this happens for a lot of reasons, but
because of the topic,
when we are not grounded and centered Mm-Hmm.
or, and
or whatever, it is very hard to think
about things and the outcome of things.
What I think it's a little, it's kind of ironic
'cause it's a little bit like you're in the moment of I am
so exhausted and overwhelmed,
I could not possibly put together the energy for a scene.
Mm-Hmm. . But it means that you're not able
to think ahead and go,
but wait, if I, if I put in a little bit
of effort now it's the same thing of forgetting
that a scene scene doesn't have to be an hour long
and a, you know, a 18 act play , like, it can be
20 minutes of a very simple activity.
And that still air quote counts as a scene.
And you can still get some of the benefits of the scene.
But when you're tired and overwhelmed
and stressed out, it's very hard to think
like that far ahead.
Correct. And I think there's a term I'm trying to think of,
uh, to, of that kind of thinking.
And I, my brain can, is not firing on all cylinders.
I cannot think of it. Somebody is thinking of it,
and you'll probably yell it into your car while you're
driving, listening to podcast .
Um, so are there times, have there been times
where you had that moment of Mm-Hmm.
, I don't have it in me to scene.
Oh my God, it's too much. It's too much.
But you pushed through anyway
and then when you did the times that you have done Mm-Hmm.
is it, is it always worth it when you do?
Is it sometimes worth it? It,
- It usually is worth it.
And, and what's funny is it's then it comes down
to the fact, well, God, this, this was
great and I feel wonderful.
Why don't we do this more often?
You know, and, you know Yeah.
- The post scene haze and high Yeah.
We will both be like, we need to do this more often.
Let's put it on the calendar now. Yeah.
And then after the, the bliss wears off, we're like,
oh, we're so tired
- And stressed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. I'm, I'm near a hundred percent positive
that they're the people, professionals, gurus,
whoever out there who talk about being centered
and grounded and how to do it.
Mm-Hmm. probably talk about ways to have
that feeling for more than five minutes.
I very rarely have that feeling for more than five minutes.
. I can get that from kink.
I get if we do like a full on scene
where maybe I didn't hit Subspace, but I relax the fuck out
and I, you know, feel no non-consensual pain at all.
Um, that'll last me usually into the next day when we have
even outside of a scene when we just kind
of get like deep into our power exchange for a little bit.
Not in anything elaborate,
but like for 30 minutes you were very much daddy dom
and I'm very much baby girl submissive that can,
that feeling can hold me for like, maybe up to a day,
you know, into the next day at least.
Mm-Hmm. the small moments, like, you know,
having my hair pulled last night, I, I got the moment,
I got the 10 minutes after,
but when I woke up, the, the feeling was
- Had faded. Yeah.
- I'm sure there's somebody out there selling some course
or supplement who could tell you, you can be always,
always grounded or centered if you just take their magic
pill and plant their magic bean , um, .
And maybe there are people who are able to,
and I admire them.
I, and I don't know if it's the brain I have.
I don't know if that's just not really realistic for people
who live in the capitalistic society that we live in.
. Um, . Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
. But I think that it's, so, I don't wanna say,
oh, we're striving to speak centered
and grounded all the time.
Um, I do think there, it may be
worth the effort to try to feel
that way more often than not.
But I wonder, and this is where I'm no expert on this topic,
if over time, if you did only the same, like one thing
to center yourself or ground yourself Mm-Hmm.
, um, in kink
or outside of kink,
if it ha if it wears off like you get used to it, is it one
of those things where diminishing returns each time?
So after a while it becomes commonplace
and is not this thing
- That if not the thing. Yeah.
- So maybe it's okay if we have many things
that help us get grounded
or centered that are not, not even just kink things, just
things in life.
Yeah. Then you can kind of pick and choose
and then everything sort of stays fresh.
- Yeah. And, and, and that's something too.
I mean, I, I've not reached that point just
because of the way our life has been.
Um, but you know, yeah.
I've wondered if, because, you know,
and then when you do it, you're like, wow, this feels great.
You should do this more. And then I I've often wondered,
well, if we do this a lot more, will it not become, does
- It become commonplace?
Yeah. Well and you know, I think is it then
that it's the novelty of it that makes us feel
a little bit more grounded or centered
And the activity certainly plays a part,
but it's the fact that we did the thing, you know, I hate
to say this 'cause I don't like to equate our kinky fuckery
power exchange life to like things as mundane
as like making a phone call.
But the way we both kind of procrastinate,
like just taking some time
and getting our kink on, even though we know we're gonna
feel really good afterwards.
Mm-Hmm. , I, my brain kind of goes Yeah.
It's sort of like that ten second phone call I put off
for a month Yeah.
That I thought was gonna take all day
and it really did not take any actual effort at all.
Why the hell did I put it off for so long?
It's, it's a similar vibe to me of why am I procrastinating,
I procrastinate on this thing
'cause I think it's gonna require more
effort than I have to give.
Then I finally fucking do the thing and I go, oh no.
I needed less effort than I thought I did.
I don't know if that has anything to
do with grounding or centering.
It's just an observation. Okay.
So this is sort of my, the part I was trying to get us
to eventually, what is it in kink specifically?
Mm-Hmm. that makes
you feel grounded or centered?
Um, I have my things.
I had, I wrote down a list I didn't wanna forget Mm-Hmm.
. But, um,
- Um, I would've to say
absolutely our, our Ds.
Really? Yeah. Um, oddly enough, last night
when we were going to bed
and I needed to take a muscle relaxer,
but I hadn't taken one mm-Hmm.
. Mm-Hmm. . And I had you go out,
I had you get the pills, get me some drink.
Mm-Hmm. to me that felt very empowering
that you and my submissive were doing this for me,
even though I was already in bed.
- So I had a moment where I felt like very submissive.
Mm-Hmm. . And then I had to put on the hot robe
and go out.
'cause I wasn't gonna walk around
the house naked with a kid in the house.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Um, and
that's when it stopped feeling submissive.
I was like, I mean, I didn't want you to be in pain.
I wanted you to take your medication.
Clearly I was the one that needed to do it.
You were like barely moving in the bed at that point.
But the moment of, maybe for me it was
because all my list is, is, um, doing what I'm told
to do in, in that submissive sort of headspace.
It does the same thing for me.
But it's, it's strange that it's not every time,
like as I was getting up
and checking, okay, is it this medication?
He's got like three or four medications. .
I was like, which one is it?
Um, I was feeling it and I was like, yeah.
And then I was like, oh yeah, I need to get
him water and I'll have to go out in the kitchen.
But, and then I was like, why don't we have a cup in the
bathroom for like, what are we doing here?
We're heathens, I guess. I don't know.
- . - That's, um, and, and I was like, I was in it
and I was like, this is my purpose
and I'm helping my daddy and this is what we do.
And then I had to put something on to not walk around naked
and I put on my robe as the easiest thing
and was immediately uncomfortable as immediately decentered.
Ah. Like I was not in the head space anymore.
I was like, I now just want this to be over
with as quickly as box
- .
Okay. Okay.
- Now do you feel it more
'cause me getting your medication,
it was sort of a mutual decision.
Mm-Hmm. you needed it. I was obviously willing
going to, so it was our power exchange.
But it wasn't the direct
- No, it wasn't - Go do the thing.
Do you get a different vibe when it's a direct thing versus
a we're just in the middle of power exchange?
- Definitely. But I, I think what it was last night
that made it feel different is
because it was out of the ordinary
of our regular
- Yeah.
It wasn't our rote routine stuff. Right.
So do you, does it center you more when it is outside of it?
Not in the routine. That's funny
because for me, when I'm thinking about
what I'm doing as a submissive Mm-Hmm.
it can be centering or grounding.
It could be both. Uh, for me, I think it's both.
'cause I think I'm very uncentered and ungrounded .
Like I just think I'm floating in space .
Um, and sometimes I, I'm sorry,
I can't say it's always .
Sometimes when you give the direct baby girl, I need you
to do, go do blah, blah, blah.
It will do that for me. I will get that.
I'll, I'll be like, I know who I am
and what my purpose in life is.
Okay. Mm-Hmm. , let's go.
Um, but sometimes it won't ,
which is very frustrating.
You wanna know when it's not. I have a clear tell.
You'll know every time. Okay.
If I go, okay, Downey, or okay JB or Mm-Hmm.
whatever. And just
to go do the thing, I'm in the moment.
I am as mindful as I know how to be.
I am submissive mindset.
- And, and, and then when you start, but, but, but,
- But, but, or I give you a look.
Yeah. Or I go, I have questions ,
clearly we know I'm still gonna do it.
That's, that's the nature of who we are. .
- But it is, but it's gonna be the long way around
- To do it.
Yeah. It's gonna be, yeah.
'cause I, it something about whatever
I'm going through in that moment.
Yeah. I can't ground me. It can't center me.
I'm still, you know,
chaos incarnate, you know, .
I don't, I'm not, I'm not thinking about myself
as submissive at that point.
I am all of the other things
and all of the other chaos that comes with those things.
And there is no, for me in that moment, there's no space
for me to narrow in and go, I am a submissive right now.
And that is all I have to worry about.
And isn't this delightful? Mm-Hmm.
So , if you, if you ever want to know what it's doing
for me, , that that is the tell's it.
Because sometimes when you say,
maybe we all need you to do this thing.
Mm-Hmm. . And I just go do it.
It feels like I just, my purpose in life is many things.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, I'm a fully fleshed out
human being with all kinds of wants and needs.
But something about getting
to be in my submissive head space
makes me feel like I'm living my purpose for a few seconds.
Even though I have all kinds of other purposes.
, the being a submissive is not,
it doesn't stress me out
because I literally just have
to do the thing you said to go do.
I don't have to think about it. I
don't have to wonder how it's supposed to work.
I don't have to wonder about the outcome.
I don't have to worry about, you know, is this real?
Like I and you, it took a while for you to get me there.
I recall . Mm-Hmm. .
I just have to fucking do what I'm told. Yeah.
And what's funny is I don't wanna live that 24 7 in the,
the micromanagement kind of way.
Like I would get Mm-Hmm. I would
get antsy after a while.
And there are times I like making my own fucking decisions.
I, we have, we,
did we do the episode on submissives with control issues?
I thought we did. It's all a blur.
I'll have to look, somebody will remember.
If we haven't, we will. Because I know that about myself.
I like being in fucking control of so things. Mm-Hmm.
. I like making the decisions.
It's empowering to me.
But man, when I get to just be your submissive Mm-Hmm.
. I know who I am in that moment
and everything else just falls away.
Okay. But it's not every time.
And I don't know what the secret sauce is. Yeah.
Of how I get there. I just can tell. Now I'll tell you this.
You gave me Hmm? You gave me a task the other day.
Yes. And look, I, I've never,
unless I'm withdrawn, consent, I've never said no to jb.
If he assigns a task, it gets done.
That doesn't mean I won't whine about it
- Sometimes. No, that's true.
- So here's the, the ironic thing.
It was about, it's my job to fold sheets.
JB iss, like I'm not wrestling with a fucking fitted sheet.
Mm-Hmm. . Okay, fine. We negotiated out.
I will, I can ball up the fitted
sheet as well as anybody else.
Okay. . .
But, uh, I have a, I have a bad habit
of those sheets will get washed, they'll get dried,
and then they will sit in the corner
of our bedrooms till I need
to change sheets again. ,
- Uhhuh, .
- And you were on a really good roll of,
we were just getting our shit done
and putting our laundry away.
Mm-Hmm. and whatever. And I
made the dumb ass choice
to make a snide comment about the sheets.
Oh. 'cause you had sort
of offhand said, oh, well you could fold the sheets.
I went, or I could just leave them sit
in the corner for a couple weeks.
Okay. Usually do.
- And as soon as you said that like, no,
I want them done by
- Before.
Like, whatever it was a
Saturday or something. Mm-Hmm. .
- So here's before the end of the day.
- Here's what's funny. You know how I kind
of, I didn't push back.
I was not disobedient. I was not mouthy, but I, I I winded.
I totally . So in that moment, there was,
I was not feeling my, I was feeling my
baby girl self, let's be real.
I was feeling my sassy self. Yeah.
But I was not feeling submissive. Right.
I was not grounded or centered.
When I went to go put the damn sheets away
and fold them, roll up the fitted sheet, whatever, um,
I did in that moment while I was doing it,
even though like when I walked up into the bedroom,
I was kind of going Right.
Because I phone the sheets is so tedious. I fucking hate it.
Um, . But one, once I was doing it
and I knew exactly why I was doing it.
There was only one reason I was doing it that day.
And at that moment, in
that moment, I was very much grounded.
I was very much like, I know my purpose now,
the moment I got it done
and put away, I had that momentary
pride in myself that I get.
And then I, that that feeling was gone.
- gone. Gone. Okay. Was gone.
- Okay. So giving a command, being in our power exchange.
Mm-Hmm. anything else like
- Activity, you know, definitely when, you know,
doing a scene, giving a spanking or something.
- Is it any scene or is it specific
- Activity?
Um, it can be any scene. It's not any one.
Mm-Hmm. aspect of it.
- Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Okay. So mine are very simple.
Mm-Hmm. , uh, .
So we, I didn't put it first
for whatever reason, but this is what we were talking about.
When you pull my hair, I mean, regardless of the sensations
that I feel in my scalp Mm-Hmm.
the moment I realized you've literally got
a grip on my hair.
I'm, I'm fucking like, pliable at that point. I'm like, you
- Are? What do
- You want?
I'll do anything. You, you're,
can I string two coherent thoughts together?
No . But yeah. I, I'll do anything.
I'm, I'm in, I'm there.
There is nothing outside that moment.
I realized this the other day,
and I think it's why I complain.
When you stop every time butt rubs, we,
we know I love a good butt rub.
Right. We, you were not feeling it. Was it last night?
It must've been last night you pulled my hair.
We'd had the moment, it was the hair check after a haircut.
. I mean, we do it every time.
Um, um, bent over the bed
and you're not like, you don't have the
energy for any impact.
Mm-Hmm. Okay. You're just rubbing my butt.
And it was this very like, rhythmic almost.
It wasn't quite hypnotic.
But had you gone long enough, I'd have zoned the fuck.
I was my world centered to this sensation
of your warm ha hand on my ass.
And that was all that existed.
Which is part of why not all of,
but part of why sometimes when you stop
before I'm ready for you to stop, I will whine
because I'm like, wait, this was feeling fucking amazing.
Everything else f falls away.
And I'm, and not only am I in a pseudo
vulnerable position Mm-Hmm.
. Not only am I getting the attention
I crave for my daddy, Dom.
Sure. , your hand is on my butt. .
And I have, I mean, I dunno,
your mind could be wandering, right?
I dunno. I'm not looking at you. You, you're
- Not. There's
- No eye contact.
But in that moment, what I feel is like I'm the center of
your universe and you are, you are the center of mind.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . That's all I
notice is, is what's happening. Yeah. So when
- It's because, well, and, and that makes sense
because at that moment we are just there.
- Yeah. I mean, 'cause the
connection at that point is pure fit.
We're not even looking at one another. No.
I mean, yes, you're looking at me,
but I'm not looking into your eyes.
Right. So, and there's not usually much talking's
- Very quiet there.
There's not much, usually not much talking.
It's more about the, the action. Right.
What being done. Yeah.
- And so if you'd like to rub my butt more often, Hey,
if you need to calm me down when I get my bedtime zoomies,
I know the way I do have a question though.
Mm-Hmm. , you have the past few nights,
not every night, but over like the past couple weeks,
you have rubbed my butt in the middle of the night.
Yeah. Is that for you or for me? Both. What is it for you?
- Um, believe it or not, and, and,
and this is no surprise,
and you know, there I wake up
in the middle of the night. I mean,
- Same. Yeah.
- Um, you know, if I sleep
through the entire night, it's a miracle.
It, it's, it's time for celebration. Mm-Hmm. .
Mm-Hmm. . Um, but anyway, there,
there are times, thankfully these are far
and few between where I cannot go back to sleep. Mm
- Mm-Hmm.
.
- But I have found that, uh,
sometimes when rubbing your butt, when I come back
to bed like that and I can't, you know, having a hard time,
it helps quiet me and I
- Can, so it centers you to rub my butt.
- I get, yeah. I guess it does. Okay.
- We're disgustingly adorable. I'm so sorry. . Okay.
So pull my hair anytime.
If you need me to just shut the fuck up,
just pull my hair, you know, that.
Rub my butt whenever you need it.
This butt is available for you. I mean, in multiple ways.
Mm-Hmm. Nope. That's, that's different conversation. Yeah.
So the other one on my list,
and it is very, it's specific, it's impact play,
but it is the fuddy impact play.
Like I always tell you, it felt like a deep tissue massage.
Yeah. Because like when you've done punching,
we did that recently.
We needed to be quiet. And it had been a while.
And you just, I mean, we didn't even talk about it
because we don't, we know he knows what I like
and he knows I'm gonna speak up if he
picks a bad moment for something.
Mm-Hmm. . So he just does
what he feels like within my parameters.
And he started doing the punching thing down my
back, down my ass.
I always like, you're, you're not overly rough
with it, but always knocks my breath out.
I fucking love that feeling. Yeah.
Um, and that type of,
it's the pressure, it's the rhythm.
'cause it's usually pretty rhythmic. Mm-Hmm. .
It's the, the deep impact.
And I'm using punching as the example, but it can be Sure.
Um, the way he flogs or a specific paddle or something.
Typically what I have found is it's not too,
it's not the loud crack kind of sound.
It's not there, it's not always quiet impact.
But it does tend to be a, a thud impact
is usually quieter than a sting true burn kind of impact.
Yeah. Not always, but usually.
Um, and when you get into a rhythm with it,
that is another moment where the noise
falls away, falls away.
I am like, sort of like, I go inward
and I'm just, I just get to exist.
Yeah. And I get to breathe and I get to feel,
and I'm very relaxed when you're done.
Um, but it's
clearly I tolerate a certain level of sting, um,
and loud sensation and smacks.
I mean, my favorite paddle is loud as fuck. Right. .
It doesn't really hurt.
Like he has to, like, you have
to swing real damn hard to hurt.
Um, but that doesn't give me the same feeling.
I get the, the joy and the fun
and the whatever, the relaxation to a certain extent
of a scene that way.
But it's, um, I think it's the sensory experience
because it's loud
or with, with the sting sensation that maybe I'll feel
with something I can't get.
I can't block out things around me. Mm-Hmm.
, I am focused .
I am very focused on what's happening on my ass.
But there's all, there's sort of this unknown
of what's it gonna feel like next?
How hard will it be? And that's a fun scene.
I don't, I'm, this is not a complaint about that scene.
But those scenes don't center or ground me in the same way
because my mind gets to stay very active .
And my mind is going, okay, can, can you handle it?
Is, do you need to call yellow?
What's that next one gonna be? Oh God.
Is he gonna hit that same cheek for the 10th time?
Knowing it fucking hurts worse when you focus on
that one ass cheek over, like, yes.
Yeah, I know, I know .
Or it's like, or is this the moment he's gonna pull out the
big toy and make the big stick?
Like what's gonna ha And so my mind doesn't get
to have a good time
and it, there's, uh, an energy release of sorts.
'cause like we're getting out some aggression
and I get to like scream
and I get to have like that kind of moment.
But it's not a centering, grounding thing for me.
My brain is way too active for that. Okay.
And if my brain is active, that means there's room
for chaos, , ,
and there's room for other thoughts to creep in, creep in
that aren't even about the scene.
Now, when you get to really go in with sensation, I do get
to a point where all that exists.
For me, is the sensation.
But there is still an, uh, overlying thought of,
can I handle this?
And I have to constantly check in with myself
of, is this too much?
Can I handle this? What about this next thing?
So I don't ever like just turn that part of me off
and go deep within myself
and like just sort of woo, saw through it.
, I don't get Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm.
the brain is too active. And I don't,
I'm not saying that to be grounded
or centered, you, your mind can't be active.
But for me, if the brain is active,
there's no centering or grounding.
Mm-Hmm. . Like, there's just, it's just not,
it's too noisy up here.
When it gets my brain for podcast listeners,
it's too noisy in my head.
So if noise is allowed to infiltrate, I'm, I'm not centered
or grounded, I might be Okay.
I might be functional . Mm-Hmm. .
I might be able to, I might be great in a crisis,
but, uh, nothing about me is centered or grounded.
Like I'm, I'm just, I'm just my little
chaotic mental tasmanian devil self.
Like I just, I just am.
It's just, I'm doing a thing I really enjoy
and I'm getting the connection with you, but the Mm-Hmm.
the thing, I would never describe it
as this being centered
or grounded, which is why, you know, sometimes I'm like, oh,
I was getting my, you know,
deep tissue muscle massage from this impact.
Oh, why did we change it up ?
I'm just saying if you need me to calm down,
- To change it up and keep you on your toes.
- I know. And your say is too, part of it is you want me
to be screaming and crying and Yes.
You know, saying out-of-pocket shit. Mm-Hmm. .
I know. And that is fun.
Like, I don't, I don't want it
to sound like the only thing I wanna do in kink is the stuff
that sinners grounds me.
No, no, no, no, no. I want that from time to time.
I need that Mm-Hmm. From time to time.
But it wouldn't be fun to me if that's all we did. Sure.
Like, I don't need zen moments all the damn time.
, like make it chaotic. I thrive.
Do I thrive in chaos controlled chaos.
I do no controlled chaos with known safe words
and a end and start to tie my throat
'cause Okay.
Truly in those situations, I am to the extent that we allow,
because safe words exist and consent exists.
I'm at your mercy. And that's part of the fucking fun.
That's the masochist in me. Mm.
That is the submissive in me.
But it's more the masochist in me.
'cause being at your mercy means almost
fucking anything can happen.
And I get to feel like I don't have any control.
But if noise is allowed to be in my head
and that chaotic energy is allowed to be in there.
Mm-Hmm. the thing I'm not,
is Senator grounded?
I'm, I'm having a good time. I am relieving stress. Mm-Hmm.
, right. Like, that exists
outside of being centered or grounded.
Like I can find my center and be super fucking stressed.
It's more that when I find that center
or when I get grounded, the stress exists,
but I can, it's not as pressing.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's room to breathe. Mm-Hmm.
like when I, when I sort of like, yeah.
I, I always feel like when I have those moments of that,
that feeling, centering, grounding, whatever,
everything kinda gets real quiet.
Mm-Hmm. in my brain especially,
but it feels like it's all around me.
Like I'm in a bubble, a very quiet bubble
where I can just sort of breathe
and go, I know who I am, I know what I'm doing.
You got this bitch, you can do this. This is who you are.
And then it's almost like everything went into slowmo.
And then when I kind of realized, hey,
here's how I'm feeling again.
Um, real time speeds back up.
You know, that sort of, that sound effect you get
of it going from slow to me and it winds up that Mm-Hmm.
. Um, and that being centered
and grounded, then that feeling carries through
and I can handle the stress a little bit better.
I can, you know, the brain's not quite as foggy.
I can make a fucking decision, whatever, whatever. Yeah.
But it's in the moment that it's happening
and I'm, I'm having that experience of recognizing
or realizing something's happening
and the outcome is I'm feeling centered again or whatever.
Everything gets real quiet and slow
because it, it all fucking calms down up here.
. Uh, and that's a very rare thing, .
Mm-Hmm. . Um, and I, we kind of, yeah.
We went over me being told what to do and being, yeah.
Being in the head space. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
actually appreciated. So yeah.
That's, that's me and my chaotic bullshit. Okay.
Uh, anything else you would say about centering, grounding,
kinky stuff?
No. Anything you would add? No. Okay.
You're looking a little bit more lively there. Yeah.
- Kind of. - I know you're not
feeling it, but you're looking at it.
Well, um, for anybody else, you know, um,
this conversation clearly is, is personal to us.
'cause it's about the things that do this for us. Mm-Hmm.
, you know, if you've never thought about it,
if you've never kind of thought about the
after effects of a kink moment,
I think it's worth the conversation
or the, the thought exercise
or thought experiment of does this, do that for me.
Um, if that's a feeling that you recognize
and that is helpful to you or that you enjoy
or, you know, I think that helps kind of center the,
the conversations you have with partners about,
Hey, can we do this thing?
You know, every kink scene doesn't have to be therapeutic.
Every kink scene doesn't have to be Mm-Hmm.
, you know, pushed to your limits. Right.
Every kink scene doesn't have to be grounding and centering.
But I think a good mix based on, you know,
what feels good and Sure.
What works for you. I, I think there's something
to that as well.
I think Mm-Hmm. , I think it's like anything,
if you get a whole bunch of one type of,
let's say in this case scene where you get one specific type
of experience, maybe it's pushed to your limits.
Maybe it's, you know, I don't know.
I've already forgotten what I, of the other examples I
use, but you all know what I mean.
Mm-Hmm. . I think that it's easy for things
to kind of be a little out of balance.
And I think if you figure out the different purposes,
different activities can servee
and how that feel, if it feels good to you
and then you find a way maybe to get a good mix of that.
I think that you on in general, maybe we can be, we
as individuals can be a little bit,
little bit more balanced.
Mm-Hmm. . And maybe, you know, this is a theory
'cause I don't know enough about it, but if you get more
opportunities to be, to feel grounded and centered
and to remember what the fuck that feels like, maybe
overall you, you feel better.
Even if you're not always grounded and centered. Mm-Hmm.
I can't, I can't imagine a life I'm always,
but maybe somebody out there is probably living that life
- Couldn't - Be me.
Y'all couldn't be me .
Not without probably some medication.
That's what I'm saying. Um,
but yeah, I think, I think
that's all I have to say about that.
Um, all right. So yeah.
- Okay. So, uh, are we good ?
- That is not for me to say. - Keep it, keep the kinky all.
- Oh, we'll see you next week actually.
Hopefully we'll see you Friday.
Daddy.
- Yes baby girl. - We talked to the crickets.
- Yeah. - How are you feeling?
- Um, I'm here.
- I know. Hey, you held your own in that.
I mean, did I treat it like I was interviewing you? Yes.
Yeah. But I get a lot more out of you when I do that.
- True, true. Especially
- See there are some topics
where I have very strong, clear opinions.
Mm-Hmm. . And I want to make sure we share
my opinions, your opinions, whatever.
Yeah. And then there are some things where I'm,
I feel like are exploring Mm-Hmm.
the topic. Yeah. I don don't
have clear opinions.
'cause it's like, hey wait,
I think I've just figured this out about myself.
And so then I wanna know like, ha
and I love you so much, you will tell me almost anything,
but only if I ask a direct question.
. So it's just easier to like interview you
- .
Okay. Okay. Alright. Alright. Now.
And I just wanted to say, um, you ask Bunny, um,
a hyper JB is not a good thing.
Um, ask, ask this one.
- No, we cannot. - Um, hyper for me is,
is pacing and hovering.
- Yeah. And it's very stressful. Yeah.
Like, he's not, he's not a fun hyper Mm-Hmm.
He's not, if he's excited that energy can be similar
to hyper, but it's, you can tell he is excited
and you kind of get excited with him
and it's the, it's, his joy is infectious,
but man, when it's the hyper, like, doesn't know what
to do with himself kind of
energy. Mm-Hmm. . Oh lord. No,
- I'm like that.
That's a bad thing. Yeah.
- I'm like, I love you so much, I need you
to go have a seat somewhere now.
And why he's not saying the same shit
to me when I get , part
of it's my hyperactivity is primarily in my head.
Like it can manifest physically, you'll Mm-Hmm.
. But it's primarily with the, with the brain
and 85 tabs open at once.
Yeah. Um, so yeah.
But no, I, um, I'm, I'm proud
of you for the record.
I don't ever ask JB to do these when he's not feeling well.
We will cancel. A stream will not record.
But over the years, the joke is,
I, I roped you into this.
I pulled you into this kicking and screaming.
And yet when I've been the one to go, are you feeling okay?
Should we do this? He's like, we're recording.
- Okay. - Shit. I'm not getting in the way of that
- .
So, yeah.
- Okay. Uh,
- And, uh, yeah, Kim Kim's, uh, power of
folding fitted sheets.
It's, that is witchcraft. It
- Is witchcraft.
That, that is, I have watched so many reels
of people showing
how it's a couple different methods I've seen.
Mm. Primarily of properly air quote
that folding a fitted sheet.
Yeah. And I'm just like that, that's magic. I, Nope.
I can get to the part where you kinda stretch it out
and you kind of fold it on itself.
Mm-Hmm. . And then the first time I like
fold the first half together, it's chaos at the bottom.
'cause it's not like a perfect square rectangle.
And I just kind of like mush it together a little bit.
Roll it up and then smooth out like the top so it looks
like kind of rectangle shape and we move the fuck on.
We just move the fuck on. I do not.
I, no, no. So,
- Well, you know, it's funny, I I,
I came across a reel one day
and this woman was like, I'm going to show you how
to easily, I forget what show you're talking about.
And, and, you know, quickly fold a fitted sheet. Mm-Hmm.
, you know, and she's, she's talking about this
process and she's got the sheet there in front of her.
And, um, I'm thinking to myself, alright, finally ,
finally, finally gonna, I know.
See how this is done. She picked it up
and just . Okay.
- You just, you shove it together.
- Yep. You just shove it together
- And just then shove it in a dark corner
where you do not have to think about it again
until you need to change your sheets.
- . - That's okay.
We are, we've had to, to slowly replace our sheets. Yeah.
We had beautiful dark, like,
I don't know if it was more plumb or more eggplant,
but a dark jewel toned purple sheets that we had for Mm-Hmm.
fucking years. They fell apart.
They look, I used shit to it disintegrates in my hand.
That is how I ended up with a air quote,
rolling laundry basket that was missing a wheel
and part of the handle to the lid
that I had had from college.
Okay. . Like, I used shit to lip falls apart.
Not because I'm environmentally minded, but
because I've been broke my whole life.
So we used these beautiful purple sheets until like
a little part on my side
of the bed just started disintegrating
and unraveling and like Mm-Hmm.
within a couple
of nights it was this massive tear down sheet.
I went, okay, well I guess we have to get new sheets.
Well, we went looking for sheets
at a price we were willing to pay.
Can you get any color, any thread count
sheet if you're willing to pay for it?
Sure. I don't have that kind of budget.
So we're in Sam's Club and Queen Sheets were like decent
and they felt soft enough
and they weren't too scratchy for like 40 bucks.
I was like, great. Not, not a lick of fucking purple.
I was like, oh. So we got silvery ones
'cause we are, other sheets are like this gray silver color.
I was like, okay, we're still kind of in my color scheme.
My, our duvet is purple. Like, but I need purple sheets.
Mm-Hmm. . Well now the original dark silver
gray sheets are starting
to disintegrate this time on JBS side, ironically.
And so I'm like, we have to buy new sheets at some point,
but we don't have purple sheets.
What is happening here? .
So I've gone on a search online,
but the problem is nobody seems
to be carrying purple sheets in store
where I can put my hand on them and go
and see how is this a texture?
I will, I can sleep on.
Because if it's too fucking scratchy,
I'm not gonna be able to sleep.
- Yeah. - Mr. Spock wants to know.
Speaking of eggplants, will Sir Richard be
making an appearance on Friday?
I don't know. That's usually j b's domain.
He he handles, he handles the penises. . Yeah.
That, that's accurate. On so many levels.
You enjoy handling penises. So it works.
I mean, I enjoy handling penises.
That's the thing we have in common. .
But, so, uh, Kim,
I believe you found your new freelance career.
Kim's like, wait, y'all will pay
me to fold your damn sheets. Yes.
- Yes. But okay, I'm gonna leave you for a
- Minute.
You gonna wander away? I have
to like keep this going by myself.
Yes. Yeah.
So we're on the hunt for sheets.
We got, we gotta get a new set of sheets.
We only have a couple of sets.
'cause I'm so picky about both color and how it feels. And
- We've - Always been broke.
We needed to buy sheets. So it's like, yeah,
we found purple, but we like it was the only one
or we couldn't, whatever.
We couldn't get a second set. So,
- But - What else?
Mostly just been working. I mean, that's what we do.
Um, mentioned earlier I did get my hair cut off. No. Yeah.
I got my hair cut off.
I cut out all the color so I could like not have
to worry about, I haven't been maintaining the color.
I will go back to color at some point just now. Right now.
Um, but I think I'm gonna try
and grow my hair out a little bit.
I was reminded about why it had been
so long since I'd had longer hair.
It was a sensory nightmare, y'all.
It was a sensory nightmare.
Um, I could, when I had to feel it on my, like my shoulders
and my neck, I was constantly like sort of shrugging.
So I was always pulling it up. Um, at night.
Now that I have a second fan that just blows on me.
Um, it was blowing my hair into my face and around my face
and I was actually waking up because ,
because of the little feelings of hair,
like on my forehead and on my cheeks.
It was like, ah. Um, so I don't think I'm gonna grow it out
long-ish again,
but I don't think I'm gonna keep it
as short as it is either.
I don't know what I'm doing.
So yeah, I didn't really notice, you know, any
of the effects of the things I don't like
about having long hair in the winter.
I mean, I wasn't overly comfortable,
but I wasn't uncomfortable.
Man, once this heat hit, I was like, I'm, I'm done.
I'm done with it. I'm done with it.
But the, um, the person who does my hair, she was,
she didn't like, I was so afraid.
I was like mentally preparing conversations for
how I was gonna answer and she's like, oh,
you don't wanna color your hair anymore.
Thankfully she didn't do that.
She's like, okay, we'll cut it off.
And I was like, don't worry. We, I will color it again.
I just don't know when. And I will start
with the hot pink magenta when I go back to vivids.
Hmm. Because that was the one color I didn't get to try.
I, there will come a day.
I don't know when I make no promises as to when .
Um, but yeah. So
- Yeah.
- Um, what else?
Uh, I think eighth grade is going to last for fucking ever.
Yes. We're almost done with eighth grade math.
I think I talked about that previously.
We have to finish eighth grade math
to stay with the same teacher.
I feel like I told somebody that. I think I told y'all that.
Me, I know I told you that. . Okay.
But I thought I talked about street. I don't remember.
I don't remember. Um, so we're gonna
finish that up this week.
Thank God for small favors. Um, but he still has three.
The 14-year-old still has three other classes
and um, we'll be lucky if he gets them done in June.
One is just a very long class.
There's just a lot of assignments to that class.
The other two he's procrastinating on.
So I, I was trying to explain to him when we,
he's gonna still do homeschool
for high school, at least for ninth grade.
Um, and I, we're gonna switch curriculums out
so maybe I can get a little bit more control over it
and get something maybe better tailored
to his learning style.
But, um, I explained to him he was hating ELA.
He was like, I have to write all these papers
and there's all this reading.
Oh, his current, um,
they call the modules his current module.
He will read a whole book
by the time he is doing the module.
And he is pissed. I'm like, you used to love reading
what is going on here?
I think it's that he doesn't like being told what he has
to read and he can only choose from like five, five
or six books and none of them sound.
He was like, none of them die at the end.
I only wanna read it if they're all gonna die at the end.
And I was like, well there is one book in this list where,
where they die in the end.
And I'm not gonna say which one that is
'cause that is definitely insensitive.
But he didn't pick that one either.
, I think he didn't really wanna read
about somebody dying at the end.
I think he was just being like, he was just pissed.
But I, it was like, dude, you think it's bad
that in this one section of this class
that you've done the whole year's worth so far,
you have to read a book.
I said, wait till high school English.
There's not a curriculum I'm gonna find for you
that does not require you to read books
and then write about them.
This is your life.
I will try to find curriculum that gives us control
either over what you read
or offer something other than fucking Animal Farm
in the Great Gatsby.
Like I'll do my best, but you're gonna have to read.
And I'm just like, I don't know if I can do four years
of fighting this job Hmm.
On reading a book and writing about it.
- So,
- But yeah.
I'm, uh, I'm ready for, for us both
to have a summer break things .
I don't think I'm gonna know what to do
with all my time when I'm not thinking about school.
I do. I do .
I know we gonna fuck around more . I know.
What are we gonna do? Please tell me about this magical,
mystical, mythical thing that's gonna happen.
Right. I'm actually, depending on how late he goes
before he, he ends his, uh,
official eighth grade school year.
I'm, I may, I told him, I was like,
I might let you be like non southern states.
You might get to start after Labor Day .
I want the 10 week break. Thank you very much. .
I know, but so yeah.
Oh, I didn't see this. Mr.
Fist asked how much money do we need to put together
for JB to dye his hair?
- I don't have enough hair. - Oh.
We can bleach the shit out of it. .
And then we can make it a color or multiple colors.
I, we, we meaning I would ask the person
who does my hair to do that for you.
You don't want me coming at you with color? We could.
What if we just did your beard? People do that.
They'll dye their beard. Hmm.
Rainbow colors
or the, the pan, uh, pride flag
for pride month. You could do that.
- Hmm. - I mean, they do temporary, they do temp,
they do temporary bright colors.
I'm sure. I don't know.
I I pay a very nice young woman to do my hair .
There is a 20 year age gap between us.
We do not speak the same language.
Um, it helps, well, you know, it helps that the oldest in
- Her generation, I would, I would actually consider mm-Hmm.
doing the pride colors of the pan.
Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
- In your beard. - If we lived in Tampa Bay area,
- I know living here it would be here.
Yeah. I mean, you're married to me.
You don't, you don't leave the house as often
as you used to.
And when you do, it's mostly to go to munches.
- Yeah. - You know, you just could never go
to Aldi with me again.
At least not in June. And that is awful.
It should not fucking be that way.
People should just mind their own fucking business if they
don't like what the hell they see.
Yeah. But that's not the world we live
in and we know that. Yeah.
- I mean I I I was very
disappointed when I saw a news article just
before we started this, um,
in, in the Tampa Bay area.
I don't know how many y'all are familiar with the,
with the Skyway Bridge.
Um, it connects
- Tampa - To Tampa to,
or actually Pinellas to, um, Hillsborough,
- But basically - No, south Florida.
Oh, does it going, going into
Bradenton and those areas. Really?
- Yes. Okay. Oh, I thought of connect.
Oh, I'm thinking of a different bridge. Sorry.
- And, and this year, for the first time,
for the first time since they've started Pride, um,
the Skyway Bridge will not be lit up with the pride colors.
- Some - Bullshit. Yep. Some bullshit. Yep.
- Look, if it made financial sense to do it,
I probably could be talking
to moving outta Florida sometimes. Yeah. I
- Really good.
Unfortunately that, that's why a lot of people are,
I know leaving there is, there's a lot
of people who are very fearful.
Mm-Hmm. with the things going on.
- Problem is, is the more affordable areas are,
are maybe some, not some, some are just as bad,
some are worse, some are not quite as bad.
But I do, I do feel like us
and your BFF across the street neighbors we're like these
little liberal like
- Bastions of Right
- In the middle of, and you know, so I don't know.
I mean, when we vote, we cancel out a few votes.
So , I wouldn't wanna, yeah.
I wouldn't wanna lose that either. Mm-Hmm.
- . Mm-Hmm. .
- Anyway. - .
- Ooh, Ms. Woodhouse's, the hair chalk works. Works great.
Um, did pride flag on the back
of my head last year washed right out?
Hmm. Something to consider? Mm-Hmm
- Mm-Hmm.
- something to consider.
- Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. .
I bet .
- I don't, I I had hoped on
Kry we'd have a couple of products that were,
had pride colors of different flags,
not just the, the main one.
Um, and I had hoped on the Etsy shop
that I would have some apparel,
but I don't know that I'm gonna be able
to get it ready in time.
Yeah. Um, I really don't think I am.
I've been eighth grade schoolwork is taking
a lot of focus, um, trying to, we've been, um,
what's the word I'm looking for?
We've been developing products,
but I've, I can't make them at the speed.
I'd like to, 'cause I gotta get the finishing process right.
'cause if I can't finish 'em
and make 'em look good, then I'll have used
all this fucking resin
- For nothing.
- So I got to a point where I had to stop production
to start working on the finishing of it.
Yeah. So I don't know if I'll be able to do anything
and have it done in time for, um, this year's pride.
But, but also you don't have to just put, you know,
flag colored things out in June either.
We could sell it all fucking year
- Round.
All year round. That's true. Yeah. That's
- True.
We are one of those, uh, heterosexual appearing couples.
, uh, JB is pan. He's pansexual. Mm-Hmm.
. That's why I'm allowed to say it.
'cause he said it publicly here on the stream if you're, no.
- Okay. And, and I have it on my, um, fit. Do
- You?
Okay. I hadn't, you know, I barely look
- At that.
I know you do. I know ,
- I use them for business purposes,
but Yeah,
- I know I could have all kinds of crazy,
all the wall shit going on.
My fit. You, you could be doing
- All, I would have no fucking clue.
Right. You could have a whole other family
that you're talking about
- - Wouldn't know, would find out
and then would get my feelings hurt.
Uh, and be, be, uh, envious
and like, you know, the actual, the, the rule
that we have established that is for my mental health
and for JB to have a continued relationship
with me is you can, there's a lot he can do
that you probably could not do in, you know, an uh,
a non kinky, monogamous kind of relationship.
It is like, but I better not find out from
about it from anybody.
But you and I better not find out about it
after everybody else has found out about it.
Tell me shit, whatever it is. Mm-Hmm.
I can handle it. But the moment
I feel like I haven't been told something
or something's been hidden for me, anxiety.
So the roof trust issues, you know,
start flourishing like weeds in the lawn, ,
it's a bad time for everybody.
. So,
but yeah,
I think my headache's, no, the headache's still there.
It's just like right at this eyebrow right now.
Tylenol did something, but okay, I ordered ibuprofen.
- It's better than nothing. - I know.
I'm waiting for the ibuprofen to come in. Yeah.
We have a thing where we get a credit to CVS each month, um,
for a, I can't remember.
It's a benefit of something that the youngest gets.
And so if he needs medicine
or if he needs whatever, I order it through there
and when he doesn't need anything,
but we need like household like ibuprofen
and I didn't have any ointment
to put on my thumb when I sliced it over
with the putting knife, things like that.
I just order it using that credit.
And I was like, I need ibuprofen in this house.
I need ibuprofen in this house.
I think I could get the youngest
to actually take ibuprofen when he doesn't feel good.
Now he does. He's he is a champion pill swallower now. Okay.
All right baby. He takes so many damn pills. I'll say this.
His pediatrician has not impressed me much
lately until he lost the weight.
And then the doctor was like, holy shit.
Okay, let's, yeah, let's take care of it. .
But he did acknowledge,
and I, I think the pediatrician was the first doctor I have
seen out of all these doctors and, and specialists
and people that the youngest sees to acknowledge
to the kid he was talking about, going back
to the dermatologist for his acne
and getting on an antibiotic again.
He goes, .
He goes, I get why you might not want to,
you already take a lot of medications.
It gets overwhelming and exhausting to take that many meds.
And I just, I felt like the youngest kind of felt seen
for a moment there.
Mm-Hmm. . And I was like, okay, I'm,
I'm still not sure how I feel about you,
but you, you're getting it. Okay.
- A a slightly redeeming moment. Yeah. Yes.
- Yeah. Also taking the, the weight he, yeah.
The, the one issue seriously quickly
was a redeeming quality as well.
Mm-Hmm. . But anyway, um, yeah. Anything else?
- ? - Do you know the other night?
- Uh, oh, - I was, I think I was,
it was taking me a while to go to sleep.
An entire sh episode topic came to me
and my brain fleshed it out.
Middle of the night. I eyes weren't really open.
I didn't have any paper near me.
There was no grabbing my phone and trying to take notes.
It never would've been like gobbledygook the
next day if I tried to read it.
Podcast episode idea came to me fully formed.
I fleshed it out in my brain.
Like, I was like, we could talk about this
and here's the points we make, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I was like, oh, but will I remember this when I wake up?
Guess who does not fucking remember it at all?
I remember I had the idea.
I remember I flushed it outta my brain hole.
- You, you need to, uh, keep a pen and then, uh, post it.
- It was probably brilliant too.
It might've been like, for all I know,
the best one we would ever have done in our whole ass lives
gone Gone into the,
- Into the ether.
- Into the ether. I know. - Mm-Hmm.
- I know. It's very disappointing.
- Okay. Okay. I have to go do eighth grade math
and I'm procrastinating . Yeah. You can't.
- And I have to break all this
stuff down when we're down and
- Put it on.
Well, I don't know. Well, maybe not
all the, all the way away.
We gotta stream Friday night. True. True. True.
I keep losing track of the days
and I was shocked to discover that today was Wednesday.
- . - No, I knew today was Wednesday,
but this, this has been
- A - Week.
- Yeah. - I mean, even last night, I, I was
chatting and like, it was only Tuesday
and I was like, this has been a long week.
- Mm-Hmm. . And you got
to go to the sawmill yesterday.
And that's usually like the highlight that,
- That's usually a highlight.
I didn't, I didn't enjoy it.
I had, I have always have a good time when I go
to the sawmill and, um,
brought home some, some stuff.
Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. And, uh, we'll see.
Maybe tomorrow I need to start milling it.
- Well, I was gonna talk to you about when we could mill it
together, but tomorrow will not work for me
because I have to take a kid to an appointment.
Yeah. So, you know. Yeah. No. Okay.
I guess, I guess I should stop procrastinating
and go do eighth grade math.
It's, it is technically the last brand new like
assignment learning a new thing.
Mm-Hmm. of eighth grade math ever.
If we can get through this,
it's just some testing to do after that.
- That's it. That's it. Yeah. We can
- Do this.
I be, I believe in him.
I don't really believe in me getting
through this, but I believe in him.
Mm-Hmm. . Anyway, I guess we're gonna go.
- Um, yeah, I, I agree with you. Bunny. Math sucks.
- Fuck math. Yeah. - I was fine with geometry
and trigonometry 'cause that made sense to my brain.
I struggled. I took pre-algebra twice. Algebra, algebra.
I got up to pre-calculus.
I still don't know how the fuck I did
- Pre-calculus.
The only reason I I made it through algebra was
because the teacher took pity on me.
Oh no. And tutored me after school. Wow.
- Wow. - I struggled with algebra. Yeah.
So bad, bad algebra was never easy for me
- Either.
- Um, geometry, once I got past that and,
and in geo I was just like,
- Yeah.
Geometry and trig. I, that made
- Total, total sense to me.
No, I never took trig. I never did.
- Yeah. I don't think I had to,
but I think I convinced myself that I needed to keep going
and I ended up in pre-calculus
and I was like, what am I doing here?
, there are no numbers here. There are only letters.
What is happening. Right. Anyway. Yeah. We're gonna go.
Mm-Hmm. . Um,
- Thanks for being here with us,
- Especially to the bitter end.
Yep. Hopefully we will air quote, see you on Friday. Friday.
Yeah. Hopefully it will be both of us. Mm-Hmm.
. Um, but yeah, we're gonna go.
Yeah. Okay. Okay.
- Bye. Bye.