- You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast.
Okay? The Lord's here with the one, the only, the myth,
the man, the something, the legend.
I've butchered all of that jump brownstone. You demand
- The myth, the - Legend I know,
but also you're the one and only.
And I can't just change my pattern
because I got a bright idea
and decided to read your T-shirt.
But if folks don't know
that you were John Brownstone at this point,
they surely are not paying attention.
just saying. Yeah.
Uh, this week we're actually doing something a little bit
more serious than whatever that just was.
Uh, we're answering a question from a submissive
who would like their dominant partner
to be more commanding and in charge.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.
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notes for this episode.
Okay, let's get into the question.
My kind sadist seems to be under the impression
that I enjoy him giving me freedom
and him asking instead of commanding.
I've been trying to communicate to him
that commands equal clarity, equal safety,
and that I really don't need
so much leash as he's giving me.
I get my kicks from feeling
that he's got a mental grip on me.
Mm-Hmm. . And often he seems soft to me,
it almost feels like the power gap doesn't exist outside
of play, even though we both agree that we want it to.
He feels it's there, but I just don't feel it
because he doesn't communicate it to me.
I just do what he wants
because I'm a service oriented, obedient person.
But I would do the same also in a vanilla relationship.
So just serving him without him reminding me
of the power dynamic does not do the trick for me.
If I fall short in something, I forget.
Lemme try that again. ,
if I fall short in something slash forget something,
he often just understands, doesn't wanna demand too much
and skips punishment or says he'll think about it
and maybe punish me later and then forgets.
This makes me feel like I'm not kept accountable,
which means the dynamic doesn't exist,
which means I get discouraged
and feel it's pointless to obey when he doesn't require it.
All of this is a turnoff.
At the same time, I know this is him trying
to take me into consideration,
and he does it with love and good intention.
There's something about what appeals
to me in him being dominant that I just seem to not manage
to communicate to him.
My question is, what can I do to encourage him
to be more strict as a dominant
and give me those kicks I get when he reminds
me of our power gap.
I do talk about this with him, so if your solution is
to talk, please give some pointers on what to say
and how to maybe explain it in a way he could understand.
I'm 100% sub and he's 100% dominant. No switches here.
And even though we love each other, we cannot relate
to why the other enjoys their side of the slash
but we're happy that we both do.
Also, I've noticed that he gets insecure in his
dominance when I talk about this.
I'd love to find a way to communicate
that does not make him feel like he's failed in some way.
I'd love to be able to communicate this wish in a
positive and encouraging way.
There's one more twist to the story.
We broke up and got back together a while ago,
and ever since he's been more careful than
before, I think he's feeling sorry for what happened
and he doesn't wanna lose me
and is trying his best to be loving, but it makes him soft.
- Hmm. - I know.
- Wow. Geez. - I mean, I have one immediate thought.
- Okay. Go. - And it's a lack of confidence
- And, and that's the one thing I pulled out of there too.
As soon as, as, as soon as it was said, um, you know,
confidence can go a long way. Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm. . - And, um, uh,
what do you do to build confidence?
You gotta start small .
- Yes. And you know,
there's already two underlying tensions though.
Mm-Hmm. , when the submissive here tries
to communicate what they want,
the dominant is somehow feeling like you're unhappy.
I'm not doing it. And they, they're making
their feelings about what they're hearing the problem.
Instead of looking at the gentle critique of, Hey,
I would love mm-Hmm, this thing,
can we try this thing?
Right. Um, and that's also a, a point of insecurity,
but then if they've broken up
for whatever the reason is Mm-Hmm.
they've gotten back together
and now what he's trying to do is to make sure
that never happens again.
You're already coming at it from a point of insecurity.
Right. So it's not even the confidence
of just I'm a dominant, it's confidence in himself
and the relationship.
- Yeah. It's, it's a lot. And, you know, I, I don't know.
I think it's, um, you know,
the only way you build confidence is
like doing anything else.
You know, you wanna build muscles,
you have to work those muscles. Mm-Hmm.
- . - Mm-Hmm. . Alright.
You wanna learn to communicate,
- You have to practice - Communicate,
you have to practice communicating, and you
- Have to be willing to be bad at it before you get good
- At it.
Right. And, and,
and, you know, I'm,
I'm gonna put myself on a little bit of a limb here.
You know, this, this person,
the way they asked the question, I, I would have to say,
you know, that they, they said, they talked about it
and how you present it is, is a good portion of sure.
Of it. You know, and,
and it sounds like you, you may have, you know, done.
So respectfully constructive criticism
goes a long way besides just complaining Mm-Hmm.
about something. Sure. So that,
that may be something that, uh, their partner needs
to consider.
I mean Sure. You know, and, and think about, um, you know,
because there, there are times you come to me
and you know, Hey, daddy, you, you know, if you did this
and you did it like that,
it might be better, it might be easier.
- I would love it. Let's try it. Yeah. That's how I, yeah.
Yeah. I'm, that tends to be my, my method of going Mm-Hmm.
, because I don't want to come to you
and I do not get the sense that this person is doing this,
but maybe I'm not come to you
and go, here's what you're doing wrong.
Yeah. If that's the way the communication has started, yes.
You, we need to flip it on its head
and go, here's what I would like to see.
Yeah. And if you have not already give very
concrete examples Mm-Hmm.
what that may mean, depending on
how your partner is sort of wired, you may hear those very
concrete examples repeated back at you
in, at some time in the future.
And you're gonna have to be okay with that
because if you, if, especially if your partner tends
to be literal, if you give them a literal example,
they may use that it at bare minimum to practice on, to go,
okay, this is exactly what they said they wanted.
I'm gonna try that. Um,
the other thing I'm curious about is if
when your partner does what you're looking for,
even if that's in play Mm-Hmm.
, have you ever commented on I love that.
That was great. Right? This made me feel Mm-Hmm.
, whatever it makes you feel. Right. Positive
reinforcement can sometimes just go a long way hearing that,
Hey, that thing you did that, that was great.
That was perfect. Mm-Hmm. Let's, let's do more of that.
Because part of it is they've already done it.
They're not worrying about performing.
They've done the thing, they know
how they were feeling in the moment.
They know what led up to that ability
to be more commanding and demanding.
And that might help them remember for future. Yeah.
Because they've gotten the very clear, um,
information from you that this is good. I like this.
- Yeah. You know, here's, here's something I was,
I was thinking about through all this,
what they might benefit from, uh, especially since,
you know, they, they got back together and,
and the big D is trying to work on this.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, you might benefit from
like at this point because of what you're trying to achieve,
maybe a weekly check in with each other.
Mm-Hmm. , you know,
and I'm, I'm going to repeat something here that said, often
time and time, you know, maybe what you need to do is,
is start small.
Sure. Pick one thing that is important to you in, in regards
to a task and, and work on that and,
and get that, you know, going then have times
where you check in with each other
and you talk about what's going well, what's not going well,
what can we tweak, what you know, is there any part of this
that needs to go by the wayside?
And then you can, you know, that would help
build their confidence.
- Here's the thing. All of this is predicated
on their dominant partner being willing to
- Do this, willing to do that.
- True. So that is probably the first hurdle, you know,
if they're not taking action based on your,
the way you're giving feedback now, um, all
of our advice is great in theory,
but if they're not willing to take the feedback Mm-Hmm.
in the first place or act on any
of these things, it's not gonna matter.
Um, a couple things come to mind though. Okay.
One, I, I'm thinking about this
because I'm spending a lot
of my time learning about neurodivergency just in general.
So that's where this comes from. And I don't wanna make any
assumptions about anybody, but something that, uh,
I'm learning a little bit more about is called rejection
sensitivity dysphoria.
Mm-Hmm. . Which means that when somebody even
thinks they're being criticized, they're,
they don't handle it.
Well. Everybody handles who might
experience this handles it differently.
Some people get very upset, some people, um,
withdrawn to themselves.
Some people shut down completely.
Some people go the opposite way and get angry.
Um, so the reason I mention that is if your partner
responds to criticism in any other part
of their life in a way
that they don't take on the feedback well
and they do not take that feedback
and then try to make sustainable changes, it could be
that this isn't really about power exchange.
This is about who they are,
and that's gonna be a thing they
have to be willing to work on.
Mm-Hmm. . Now if you've got examples left,
right, and center of
where they've been criticized about something,
they've gotten a little critique,
they've gotten a little feedback about how they can change
and they've done it and it's not been a big deal,
then I would say, okay, it's about confidence about being
a dominant specifically.
Yeah. The other thing that if your partner is willing,
and they have to be willing for all of this, any of this is
for them to go out
and seek out local community, online community Yes.
Where dominance are gathering
and are talking about their experience.
If your partner's only experience as a dominant is
what y'all have been able to put together for yourselves,
that means that there's a very good chance
that they have a very narrow view of what they're capable of
and what dominance means.
Okay. Getting to be around virtually
or in person, other people
who are dominance in their power exchange.
One, it allows him to ask questions of people
who are doing the thing.
And it may be that he doesn't like feeling, you know,
air quote this led by the submissive.
I think personally most doms need to get the fuck over
that .
Yeah. Uh, a submissive expressing
what they need is not leading.
No. And sometimes, you know,
a submissives got really good fucking ideas.
Mm-Hmm. . So let's just pay attention to 'em.
But, you know, it might be
that it's not the message, it's the messenger.
It might be that what they need is to hear it from somebody
that they perceive has experience that they wish they had.
Mm-Hmm. Right. Who understands their perspective.
So if they're not completely opposed to the idea
and they're not already doing it, there are, um,
depending on the community, online in person, you can find,
you know, dom round tables and workshops
and meetings, um, spaces where, you know, dominance Mm-Hmm.
Are just gathering, talking about things.
There used to be a website,
I don't know if it's still active,
called dominant guide.com.
Mm-Hmm. , it was run by the same folks
who run submissive guide.com.
Um, FetLife for all that.
It can be a cesspool, sometimes ,
every once in a while you can find some
good groups and some good
- Posts and it's Yeah. Yeah.
- Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. So, you know,
how much is your partner willing to be part
of a community in some way to learn from others, right.
So that maybe they can gain the confidence, get some ideas,
you know, just go back and forth with somebody else.
Mm-Hmm. who will understand their perspective.
- You beat me to the punch on that one. Do try .
- Well, can I say the, the hard part here
that is not the happy ending part.
- Yeah. I know. - It is entirely possible
that they are not the kind of dominant you most want.
True. That for all of the, we've talked about it, you know,
they're willing to do this, they're willing to do that.
Mm-Hmm. , I've thought about who they're
as a person, but it can sometimes boil down to
their style of dominance
- Is not the type of dominance you need. Yeah.
- Yeah. That there is a, or a want.
It's not necessarily like a thing you can't overcome
and find a way around, but it is an incompatibility.
Mm-Hmm. . So, you know, I think that if
the conversation might need to be, if, especially if
what we're telling you, you're like, I have been trying this
for, you know, however long the conversation might need
to be, Hey, dominant partner, what is dominance to you?
What, what do you want to be doing
as a dominant Now if they,
because what you don't want is them to tell you,
I want this thing you say you want.
And they're only telling you that out of fear
of the relationship ending.
Right. That's not gonna do anybody any par good parroting.
Mm-Hmm. what? I'm sorry, just
- Parroting. Yes.
- Yes. I mean, 'cause then they're,
they're going through the motions.
Mm-Hmm. so that they don't
in lose the relationship,
but then they're not giving you what you need.
Right. To be satisfied in the relationship,
- Which then builds bad. Right.
- Juju . And that does not end well for
- Anybody. No. So,
- No, quite frankly, the first thing is to get clear on,
is this what your partner really wants to do?
Mm-Hmm. , they maybe just don't know how,
or they're not confident enough yet
versus is this not at all their style
and they're never really gonna be this way.
Yeah. But they're too scared of losing you
and the relationship to just own up to it.
And that, and that's the, the hardest part.
That's what you gotta get clear on first. Mm-Hmm.
. And then the rest you
can kind of play with, you know?
Yeah. I do think that if they're, they really want to,
they just are feeling lost and clueless
and are not sure how they're supposed to do it.
Maybe they don't wanna admit that to you.
That to me is another moment of I'm gonna need Doms
to like unbend a little bit
and just admit shit to your submissive partners.
, because we are partners.
We're working together towards a common goal, right? Mm-Hmm.
. So, you know, if Yes, they wanna be doing it
and they just don't know how, one,
hopefully they will admit that to you.
Yeah. Two, I definitely think positive reinforcement when
you can point out, maybe not in the moment, right, right.
But like later you can point out this thing they did
that like really hit all your buttons for you.
That lets them know that gives them clear concrete examples
of what that looks like and what
that feels like on their side.
Right. And then God just talking
to more dominant people of all genders,
because everybody's got their own style.
Everybody's got their own way of approaching it. Mm-Hmm.
and everybody's had to go through that process
of, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing to get to the point
of, well I mostly know what I'm doing
and we'll just figure it out
from there, you know, on the fly. Yeah.
- Right. -
and you know, if it's a lack of confidence as a dominant,
that will probably, if they can find the right group
and the right community and the right people,
that can be the biggest confident boost of all.
Yeah. Um, it may be that you're not the right messenger.
You've already said potentially everything you
can possibly say.
Mm-Hmm. now they have
to decide are they willing to try it?
Does it feel right to them? You know? Yeah.
Will they go seek out the information
that they need to be able
- To make that happen?
I mean, for, for some people, you know, to,
to change it takes a while.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, it definitely does.
And you know, it may be they're willing
to do it at this point, but it may take a little bit Mm-Hmm.
for them to get to get there. So, Mm-Hmm.
- and I Yeah. And I like your idea of,
you start really, really, really small.
Yeah. And really slow.
It might be that what you do is the,
the thing you're trying to ultimately get to
of a certain commanding tone.
Mm-Hmm. a certain behavior, like immediate
reaction when something happens that whatever it is you're
looking for that instead of trying to get,
convince him to just do that one, that one big thing,
you somehow break it down into pieces, parts.
Maybe it's a tone of voice. Mm-Hmm.
Maybe it's, you know, it's how quickly
that he responds to a thing.
Um, maybe it's a look like really small things Mm-Hmm.
Can help you feel some of what you're trying to feel
and then y'all can build on it together.
- Yeah. One other thing I I'd like to add real quick, um,
just touching on the thing where, um, you know,
they talk about how it's
that there were times when they were they misbehaved.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. and,
and you know, punishment was put off
and then forgotten there.
There may be a little bit of help with that.
Something like the, the app obedience. Mm-Hmm.
. Okay. You know, where, I don't know
how busy this person is
or what they have on their plate on a regular basis.
I know something, you know, we both know life Sure.
Throws its, uh, you know, monkey wrench in the gears.
And, um, you know, if they, if they have a hard problem,
you know, keeping track with so much going on, um,
an app like obedience could be Right.
You know, something that, because it's a tool for,
and you know, it takes the load off having
to to remember it.
- Right. They can just look, here's the, the thing assigned,
has it been done or not?
Right? Then they have
to remember what they're gonna do about it.
Right. And now that's another thing.
Um, have y'all talked about what possible punishments are?
If you are disobedient, what is going to happen? Mm-Hmm.
, if you have not sat down
and made that, those like concrete, here's what happens
and your partner is having to think of them on the fly,
that's gonna create a resistance if he's not
yet comfortable with that Mm-Hmm.
. But if he knows, hey, it's gonna be one
of these two or three things.
Yeah. And I don't have to think too hard about it,
I just have to like, take care of it and let myself be firm.
That might help there too. Yeah.
- Mm-Hmm. - . So yeah.
There's lots of things to try, hopefully Mm-Hmm.
one or more of these things will help,
but really the first thing you gotta get clear is
that this is the kind of dominant they want to be. That's
- True.
- So, and, and there's, there's,
I have no good advice on, on how to handle that.
Yeah. If that's where there's an
incompatibility Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm, hmm.
Um, but yeah, that then try any
or all of of the things.
Yeah. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode.
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