1 00:00:10,785 --> 00:00:12,525 - You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. 2 00:00:12,715 --> 00:00:15,205 Okay? The Lord's here with the one, the only, the myth, 3 00:00:15,745 --> 00:00:17,605 the man, the something, the legend. 4 00:00:18,155 --> 00:00:20,325 I've butchered all of that jump brownstone. You demand 5 00:00:20,325 --> 00:00:21,725 - The myth, the - Legend I know, 6 00:00:21,725 --> 00:00:23,205 but also you're the one and only. 7 00:00:23,305 --> 00:00:26,045 And I can't just change my pattern 8 00:00:26,315 --> 00:00:28,125 because I got a bright idea 9 00:00:28,225 --> 00:00:29,805 and decided to read your T-shirt. 10 00:00:31,225 --> 00:00:32,765 But if folks don't know 11 00:00:33,115 --> 00:00:35,125 that you were John Brownstone at this point, 12 00:00:35,715 --> 00:00:37,165 they surely are not paying attention. 13 00:00:37,885 --> 00:00:41,645 just saying. Yeah. 14 00:00:41,905 --> 00:00:44,605 Uh, this week we're actually doing something a little bit 15 00:00:44,605 --> 00:00:46,005 more serious than whatever that just was. 16 00:00:46,225 --> 00:00:48,205 Uh, we're answering a question from a submissive 17 00:00:48,205 --> 00:00:49,525 who would like their dominant partner 18 00:00:49,665 --> 00:00:51,605 to be more commanding and in charge. 19 00:00:52,235 --> 00:00:53,925 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. 20 00:00:54,105 --> 00:00:56,205 If you're new here, we help Kister like you have happy, 21 00:00:56,365 --> 00:00:57,685 healthy power exchange relationships. 22 00:00:58,105 --> 00:00:59,765 Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app 23 00:00:59,765 --> 00:01:00,925 so you never miss an episode. 24 00:01:01,185 --> 00:01:04,125 And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future one 25 00:01:04,125 --> 00:01:06,205 of these, uh, you can ask your question 26 00:01:06,205 --> 00:01:09,965 through our contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net. 27 00:01:09,985 --> 00:01:12,045 That's loving bdsm.net. 28 00:01:12,465 --> 00:01:14,845 Or you should be able to find the link in the show 29 00:01:14,965 --> 00:01:16,165 notes for this episode. 30 00:01:16,675 --> 00:01:18,125 Okay, let's get into the question. 31 00:01:18,985 --> 00:01:22,005 My kind sadist seems to be under the impression 32 00:01:22,005 --> 00:01:23,685 that I enjoy him giving me freedom 33 00:01:24,145 --> 00:01:26,245 and him asking instead of commanding. 34 00:01:26,475 --> 00:01:27,885 I've been trying to communicate to him 35 00:01:27,885 --> 00:01:30,125 that commands equal clarity, equal safety, 36 00:01:30,545 --> 00:01:31,565 and that I really don't need 37 00:01:31,565 --> 00:01:33,165 so much leash as he's giving me. 38 00:01:33,685 --> 00:01:34,925 I get my kicks from feeling 39 00:01:34,925 --> 00:01:36,965 that he's got a mental grip on me. 40 00:01:36,965 --> 00:01:39,365 Mm-Hmm. . And often he seems soft to me, 41 00:01:39,585 --> 00:01:42,365 it almost feels like the power gap doesn't exist outside 42 00:01:42,365 --> 00:01:45,325 of play, even though we both agree that we want it to. 43 00:01:45,745 --> 00:01:47,525 He feels it's there, but I just don't feel it 44 00:01:47,525 --> 00:01:49,005 because he doesn't communicate it to me. 45 00:01:49,565 --> 00:01:50,565 I just do what he wants 46 00:01:50,565 --> 00:01:53,085 because I'm a service oriented, obedient person. 47 00:01:53,425 --> 00:01:55,885 But I would do the same also in a vanilla relationship. 48 00:01:56,065 --> 00:01:58,245 So just serving him without him reminding me 49 00:01:58,245 --> 00:02:00,485 of the power dynamic does not do the trick for me. 50 00:02:01,105 --> 00:02:03,165 If I fall short in something, I forget. 51 00:02:03,295 --> 00:02:04,605 Lemme try that again. , 52 00:02:04,905 --> 00:02:08,365 if I fall short in something slash forget something, 53 00:02:08,505 --> 00:02:11,485 he often just understands, doesn't wanna demand too much 54 00:02:11,485 --> 00:02:14,205 and skips punishment or says he'll think about it 55 00:02:14,265 --> 00:02:16,325 and maybe punish me later and then forgets. 56 00:02:16,755 --> 00:02:18,965 This makes me feel like I'm not kept accountable, 57 00:02:18,965 --> 00:02:20,565 which means the dynamic doesn't exist, 58 00:02:20,565 --> 00:02:21,925 which means I get discouraged 59 00:02:21,925 --> 00:02:24,525 and feel it's pointless to obey when he doesn't require it. 60 00:02:24,985 --> 00:02:26,085 All of this is a turnoff. 61 00:02:26,865 --> 00:02:29,205 At the same time, I know this is him trying 62 00:02:29,325 --> 00:02:30,685 to take me into consideration, 63 00:02:30,705 --> 00:02:32,365 and he does it with love and good intention. 64 00:02:32,755 --> 00:02:34,245 There's something about what appeals 65 00:02:34,245 --> 00:02:37,165 to me in him being dominant that I just seem to not manage 66 00:02:37,165 --> 00:02:38,165 to communicate to him. 67 00:02:38,665 --> 00:02:41,205 My question is, what can I do to encourage him 68 00:02:41,205 --> 00:02:42,685 to be more strict as a dominant 69 00:02:42,745 --> 00:02:44,765 and give me those kicks I get when he reminds 70 00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:45,805 me of our power gap. 71 00:02:46,565 --> 00:02:49,005 I do talk about this with him, so if your solution is 72 00:02:49,005 --> 00:02:51,405 to talk, please give some pointers on what to say 73 00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:54,005 and how to maybe explain it in a way he could understand. 74 00:02:54,545 --> 00:02:58,005 I'm 100% sub and he's 100% dominant. No switches here. 75 00:02:58,265 --> 00:03:00,445 And even though we love each other, we cannot relate 76 00:03:00,445 --> 00:03:02,605 to why the other enjoys their side of the slash 77 00:03:03,025 --> 00:03:04,245 but we're happy that we both do. 78 00:03:04,955 --> 00:03:07,245 Also, I've noticed that he gets insecure in his 79 00:03:07,245 --> 00:03:08,605 dominance when I talk about this. 80 00:03:09,025 --> 00:03:10,485 I'd love to find a way to communicate 81 00:03:10,485 --> 00:03:12,925 that does not make him feel like he's failed in some way. 82 00:03:13,305 --> 00:03:15,565 I'd love to be able to communicate this wish in a 83 00:03:15,765 --> 00:03:16,805 positive and encouraging way. 84 00:03:17,355 --> 00:03:19,245 There's one more twist to the story. 85 00:03:19,785 --> 00:03:22,085 We broke up and got back together a while ago, 86 00:03:22,385 --> 00:03:24,525 and ever since he's been more careful than 87 00:03:24,525 --> 00:03:26,965 before, I think he's feeling sorry for what happened 88 00:03:26,965 --> 00:03:28,085 and he doesn't wanna lose me 89 00:03:28,085 --> 00:03:31,125 and is trying his best to be loving, but it makes him soft. 90 00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:32,645 - Hmm. - I know. 91 00:03:32,665 --> 00:03:36,165 - Wow. Geez. - I mean, I have one immediate thought. 92 00:03:36,315 --> 00:03:38,485 - Okay. Go. - And it's a lack of confidence 93 00:03:39,305 --> 00:03:41,685 - And, and that's the one thing I pulled out of there too. 94 00:03:41,745 --> 00:03:45,405 As soon as, as, as soon as it was said, um, you know, 95 00:03:45,455 --> 00:03:48,405 confidence can go a long way. Mm-Hmm. . 96 00:03:48,625 --> 00:03:52,005 - Mm-Hmm. . - And, um, uh, 97 00:03:52,355 --> 00:03:53,725 what do you do to build confidence? 98 00:03:53,725 --> 00:03:55,805 You gotta start small . 99 00:03:56,025 --> 00:03:57,365 - Yes. And you know, 100 00:03:57,365 --> 00:03:59,885 there's already two underlying tensions though. 101 00:03:59,985 --> 00:04:02,485 Mm-Hmm. , when the submissive here tries 102 00:04:02,485 --> 00:04:03,765 to communicate what they want, 103 00:04:05,025 --> 00:04:08,605 the dominant is somehow feeling like you're unhappy. 104 00:04:08,705 --> 00:04:11,045 I'm not doing it. And they, they're making 105 00:04:12,095 --> 00:04:15,205 their feelings about what they're hearing the problem. 106 00:04:15,515 --> 00:04:19,245 Instead of looking at the gentle critique of, Hey, 107 00:04:19,485 --> 00:04:21,325 I would love mm-Hmm, this thing, 108 00:04:21,465 --> 00:04:22,605 can we try this thing? 109 00:04:22,695 --> 00:04:25,445 Right. Um, and that's also a, a point of insecurity, 110 00:04:25,785 --> 00:04:27,005 but then if they've broken up 111 00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:28,325 for whatever the reason is Mm-Hmm. 112 00:04:28,365 --> 00:04:29,365 they've gotten back together 113 00:04:29,425 --> 00:04:31,925 and now what he's trying to do is to make sure 114 00:04:31,925 --> 00:04:33,125 that never happens again. 115 00:04:33,505 --> 00:04:36,205 You're already coming at it from a point of insecurity. 116 00:04:36,205 --> 00:04:39,005 Right. So it's not even the confidence 117 00:04:39,005 --> 00:04:42,845 of just I'm a dominant, it's confidence in himself 118 00:04:43,425 --> 00:04:44,685 and the relationship. 119 00:04:45,235 --> 00:04:49,805 - Yeah. It's, it's a lot. And, you know, I, I don't know. 120 00:04:50,245 --> 00:04:51,885 I think it's, um, you know, 121 00:04:51,945 --> 00:04:54,925 the only way you build confidence is 122 00:04:54,925 --> 00:04:56,125 like doing anything else. 123 00:04:56,225 --> 00:04:57,445 You know, you wanna build muscles, 124 00:04:57,625 --> 00:04:59,605 you have to work those muscles. Mm-Hmm. 125 00:04:59,645 --> 00:05:00,725 - . - Mm-Hmm. . Alright. 126 00:05:01,225 --> 00:05:03,325 You wanna learn to communicate, 127 00:05:03,825 --> 00:05:05,125 - You have to practice - Communicate, 128 00:05:05,125 --> 00:05:06,405 you have to practice communicating, and you 129 00:05:06,405 --> 00:05:09,045 - Have to be willing to be bad at it before you get good 130 00:05:09,045 --> 00:05:10,045 - At it. 131 00:05:10,045 --> 00:05:10,965 Right. And, and, 132 00:05:11,025 --> 00:05:12,085 and, you know, I'm, 133 00:05:12,105 --> 00:05:14,285 I'm gonna put myself on a little bit of a limb here. 134 00:05:14,585 --> 00:05:16,085 You know, this, this person, 135 00:05:16,145 --> 00:05:19,085 the way they asked the question, I, I would have to say, 136 00:05:19,145 --> 00:05:21,645 you know, that they, they said, they talked about it 137 00:05:21,945 --> 00:05:26,285 and how you present it is, is a good portion of sure. 138 00:05:26,345 --> 00:05:27,885 Of it. You know, and, 139 00:05:28,225 --> 00:05:32,045 and it sounds like you, you may have, you know, done. 140 00:05:32,105 --> 00:05:35,685 So respectfully constructive criticism 141 00:05:36,355 --> 00:05:40,325 goes a long way besides just complaining Mm-Hmm. 142 00:05:40,365 --> 00:05:42,165 about something. Sure. So that, 143 00:05:42,195 --> 00:05:46,165 that may be something that, uh, their partner needs 144 00:05:46,185 --> 00:05:47,805 to consider. 145 00:05:48,085 --> 00:05:52,205 I mean Sure. You know, and, and think about, um, you know, 146 00:05:52,205 --> 00:05:54,805 because there, there are times you come to me 147 00:05:55,385 --> 00:05:58,525 and you know, Hey, daddy, you, you know, if you did this 148 00:05:58,545 --> 00:05:59,725 and you did it like that, 149 00:06:00,345 --> 00:06:01,925 it might be better, it might be easier. 150 00:06:02,485 --> 00:06:04,565 - I would love it. Let's try it. Yeah. That's how I, yeah. 151 00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:08,685 Yeah. I'm, that tends to be my, my method of going Mm-Hmm. 152 00:06:08,725 --> 00:06:10,205 , because I don't want to come to you 153 00:06:10,225 --> 00:06:12,765 and I do not get the sense that this person is doing this, 154 00:06:13,025 --> 00:06:14,885 but maybe I'm not come to you 155 00:06:14,885 --> 00:06:16,205 and go, here's what you're doing wrong. 156 00:06:16,355 --> 00:06:19,405 Yeah. If that's the way the communication has started, yes. 157 00:06:19,465 --> 00:06:21,165 You, we need to flip it on its head 158 00:06:21,165 --> 00:06:22,925 and go, here's what I would like to see. 159 00:06:23,075 --> 00:06:25,405 Yeah. And if you have not already give very 160 00:06:25,965 --> 00:06:27,205 concrete examples Mm-Hmm. 161 00:06:27,245 --> 00:06:28,805 what that may mean, depending on 162 00:06:28,825 --> 00:06:32,165 how your partner is sort of wired, you may hear those very 163 00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:35,605 concrete examples repeated back at you 164 00:06:35,605 --> 00:06:36,725 in, at some time in the future. 165 00:06:36,785 --> 00:06:38,205 And you're gonna have to be okay with that 166 00:06:38,205 --> 00:06:40,365 because if you, if, especially if your partner tends 167 00:06:40,365 --> 00:06:43,405 to be literal, if you give them a literal example, 168 00:06:43,755 --> 00:06:47,605 they may use that it at bare minimum to practice on, to go, 169 00:06:47,605 --> 00:06:49,245 okay, this is exactly what they said they wanted. 170 00:06:49,265 --> 00:06:50,845 I'm gonna try that. Um, 171 00:06:51,785 --> 00:06:55,085 the other thing I'm curious about is if 172 00:06:56,115 --> 00:06:59,005 when your partner does what you're looking for, 173 00:06:59,115 --> 00:07:00,485 even if that's in play Mm-Hmm. 174 00:07:00,525 --> 00:07:03,405 , have you ever commented on I love that. 175 00:07:03,595 --> 00:07:06,405 That was great. Right? This made me feel Mm-Hmm. 176 00:07:06,445 --> 00:07:08,245 , whatever it makes you feel. Right. Positive 177 00:07:08,605 --> 00:07:10,925 reinforcement can sometimes just go a long way hearing that, 178 00:07:10,925 --> 00:07:13,885 Hey, that thing you did that, that was great. 179 00:07:13,885 --> 00:07:15,725 That was perfect. Mm-Hmm. Let's, let's do more of that. 180 00:07:15,725 --> 00:07:18,045 Because part of it is they've already done it. 181 00:07:18,045 --> 00:07:19,565 They're not worrying about performing. 182 00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:21,085 They've done the thing, they know 183 00:07:21,085 --> 00:07:22,405 how they were feeling in the moment. 184 00:07:22,795 --> 00:07:24,565 They know what led up to that ability 185 00:07:24,705 --> 00:07:26,405 to be more commanding and demanding. 186 00:07:26,985 --> 00:07:29,965 And that might help them remember for future. Yeah. 187 00:07:29,965 --> 00:07:32,965 Because they've gotten the very clear, um, 188 00:07:33,355 --> 00:07:36,325 information from you that this is good. I like this. 189 00:07:36,475 --> 00:07:39,245 - Yeah. You know, here's, here's something I was, 190 00:07:39,325 --> 00:07:41,005 I was thinking about through all this, 191 00:07:41,475 --> 00:07:44,805 what they might benefit from, uh, especially since, 192 00:07:44,945 --> 00:07:47,765 you know, they, they got back together and, 193 00:07:48,185 --> 00:07:51,445 and the big D is trying to work on this. 194 00:07:51,445 --> 00:07:54,085 Mm-Hmm. . Um, you might benefit from 195 00:07:54,595 --> 00:07:57,205 like at this point because of what you're trying to achieve, 196 00:07:57,655 --> 00:07:59,445 maybe a weekly check in with each other. 197 00:07:59,665 --> 00:08:01,005 Mm-Hmm. , you know, 198 00:08:01,545 --> 00:08:06,485 and I'm, I'm going to repeat something here that said, often 199 00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:10,245 time and time, you know, maybe what you need to do is, 200 00:08:10,385 --> 00:08:11,885 is start small. 201 00:08:12,235 --> 00:08:16,965 Sure. Pick one thing that is important to you in, in regards 202 00:08:16,965 --> 00:08:20,045 to a task and, and work on that and, 203 00:08:20,065 --> 00:08:25,045 and get that, you know, going then have times 204 00:08:25,045 --> 00:08:26,485 where you check in with each other 205 00:08:26,825 --> 00:08:30,085 and you talk about what's going well, what's not going well, 206 00:08:30,115 --> 00:08:32,885 what can we tweak, what you know, is there any part of this 207 00:08:32,885 --> 00:08:34,365 that needs to go by the wayside? 208 00:08:34,665 --> 00:08:38,005 And then you can, you know, that would help 209 00:08:38,695 --> 00:08:40,005 build their confidence. 210 00:08:40,185 --> 00:08:43,525 - Here's the thing. All of this is predicated 211 00:08:44,225 --> 00:08:46,485 on their dominant partner being willing to 212 00:08:46,545 --> 00:08:47,545 - Do this, willing to do that. 213 00:08:47,545 --> 00:08:52,085 - True. So that is probably the first hurdle, you know, 214 00:08:52,225 --> 00:08:55,450 if they're not taking action based on your, 215 00:08:55,450 --> 00:08:59,205 the way you're giving feedback now, um, all 216 00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:01,405 of our advice is great in theory, 217 00:09:01,505 --> 00:09:06,285 but if they're not willing to take the feedback Mm-Hmm. 218 00:09:06,325 --> 00:09:08,205 in the first place or act on any 219 00:09:08,205 --> 00:09:09,445 of these things, it's not gonna matter. 220 00:09:09,825 --> 00:09:12,485 Um, a couple things come to mind though. Okay. 221 00:09:12,705 --> 00:09:16,325 One, I, I'm thinking about this 222 00:09:16,325 --> 00:09:17,405 because I'm spending a lot 223 00:09:17,405 --> 00:09:20,285 of my time learning about neurodivergency just in general. 224 00:09:20,585 --> 00:09:22,365 So that's where this comes from. And I don't wanna make any 225 00:09:22,365 --> 00:09:25,125 assumptions about anybody, but something that, uh, 226 00:09:25,385 --> 00:09:27,565 I'm learning a little bit more about is called rejection 227 00:09:27,805 --> 00:09:28,885 sensitivity dysphoria. 228 00:09:29,025 --> 00:09:32,725 Mm-Hmm. . Which means that when somebody even 229 00:09:33,265 --> 00:09:35,925 thinks they're being criticized, they're, 230 00:09:35,955 --> 00:09:37,005 they don't handle it. 231 00:09:37,005 --> 00:09:38,485 Well. Everybody handles who might 232 00:09:38,615 --> 00:09:40,125 experience this handles it differently. 233 00:09:40,435 --> 00:09:42,965 Some people get very upset, some people, um, 234 00:09:42,965 --> 00:09:44,085 withdrawn to themselves. 235 00:09:44,315 --> 00:09:46,405 Some people shut down completely. 236 00:09:46,515 --> 00:09:48,605 Some people go the opposite way and get angry. 237 00:09:49,225 --> 00:09:53,605 Um, so the reason I mention that is if your partner 238 00:09:54,445 --> 00:09:58,165 responds to criticism in any other part 239 00:09:58,165 --> 00:09:59,645 of their life in a way 240 00:09:59,645 --> 00:10:02,205 that they don't take on the feedback well 241 00:10:02,465 --> 00:10:04,245 and they do not take that feedback 242 00:10:04,245 --> 00:10:08,045 and then try to make sustainable changes, it could be 243 00:10:08,045 --> 00:10:09,885 that this isn't really about power exchange. 244 00:10:09,885 --> 00:10:11,325 This is about who they are, 245 00:10:11,545 --> 00:10:13,205 and that's gonna be a thing they 246 00:10:13,205 --> 00:10:14,445 have to be willing to work on. 247 00:10:14,445 --> 00:10:16,725 Mm-Hmm. . Now if you've got examples left, 248 00:10:16,725 --> 00:10:17,805 right, and center of 249 00:10:17,805 --> 00:10:19,725 where they've been criticized about something, 250 00:10:19,725 --> 00:10:20,725 they've gotten a little critique, 251 00:10:20,795 --> 00:10:22,845 they've gotten a little feedback about how they can change 252 00:10:22,905 --> 00:10:24,765 and they've done it and it's not been a big deal, 253 00:10:25,075 --> 00:10:27,605 then I would say, okay, it's about confidence about being 254 00:10:27,765 --> 00:10:29,045 a dominant specifically. 255 00:10:29,075 --> 00:10:33,165 Yeah. The other thing that if your partner is willing, 256 00:10:33,305 --> 00:10:36,965 and they have to be willing for all of this, any of this is 257 00:10:37,105 --> 00:10:38,165 for them to go out 258 00:10:38,185 --> 00:10:42,205 and seek out local community, online community Yes. 259 00:10:42,335 --> 00:10:44,445 Where dominance are gathering 260 00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:47,165 and are talking about their experience. 261 00:10:47,585 --> 00:10:50,605 If your partner's only experience as a dominant is 262 00:10:50,605 --> 00:10:53,605 what y'all have been able to put together for yourselves, 263 00:10:54,355 --> 00:10:55,965 that means that there's a very good chance 264 00:10:55,965 --> 00:10:59,485 that they have a very narrow view of what they're capable of 265 00:10:59,865 --> 00:11:01,205 and what dominance means. 266 00:11:01,595 --> 00:11:05,525 Okay. Getting to be around virtually 267 00:11:05,545 --> 00:11:07,005 or in person, other people 268 00:11:07,385 --> 00:11:09,285 who are dominance in their power exchange. 269 00:11:09,945 --> 00:11:13,565 One, it allows him to ask questions of people 270 00:11:13,585 --> 00:11:14,605 who are doing the thing. 271 00:11:14,905 --> 00:11:17,765 And it may be that he doesn't like feeling, you know, 272 00:11:17,765 --> 00:11:19,285 air quote this led by the submissive. 273 00:11:19,365 --> 00:11:21,445 I think personally most doms need to get the fuck over 274 00:11:21,445 --> 00:11:23,045 that . 275 00:11:23,755 --> 00:11:25,965 Yeah. Uh, a submissive expressing 276 00:11:25,965 --> 00:11:27,765 what they need is not leading. 277 00:11:28,105 --> 00:11:29,285 No. And sometimes, you know, 278 00:11:29,685 --> 00:11:31,405 a submissives got really good fucking ideas. 279 00:11:31,405 --> 00:11:33,125 Mm-Hmm. . So let's just pay attention to 'em. 280 00:11:33,185 --> 00:11:34,885 But, you know, it might be 281 00:11:34,885 --> 00:11:36,645 that it's not the message, it's the messenger. 282 00:11:36,665 --> 00:11:39,285 It might be that what they need is to hear it from somebody 283 00:11:39,285 --> 00:11:43,285 that they perceive has experience that they wish they had. 284 00:11:43,285 --> 00:11:46,245 Mm-Hmm. Right. Who understands their perspective. 285 00:11:46,985 --> 00:11:49,405 So if they're not completely opposed to the idea 286 00:11:50,225 --> 00:11:53,205 and they're not already doing it, there are, um, 287 00:11:53,205 --> 00:11:56,645 depending on the community, online in person, you can find, 288 00:11:56,785 --> 00:11:59,245 you know, dom round tables and workshops 289 00:11:59,345 --> 00:12:03,045 and meetings, um, spaces where, you know, dominance Mm-Hmm. 290 00:12:03,045 --> 00:12:04,445 Are just gathering, talking about things. 291 00:12:04,775 --> 00:12:06,365 There used to be a website, 292 00:12:06,485 --> 00:12:07,525 I don't know if it's still active, 293 00:12:07,525 --> 00:12:09,445 called dominant guide.com. 294 00:12:09,445 --> 00:12:10,765 Mm-Hmm. , it was run by the same folks 295 00:12:10,905 --> 00:12:12,765 who run submissive guide.com. 296 00:12:13,305 --> 00:12:14,965 Um, FetLife for all that. 297 00:12:14,965 --> 00:12:16,845 It can be a cesspool, sometimes , 298 00:12:17,255 --> 00:12:18,685 every once in a while you can find some 299 00:12:18,685 --> 00:12:19,805 good groups and some good 300 00:12:19,935 --> 00:12:21,765 - Posts and it's Yeah. Yeah. 301 00:12:21,765 --> 00:12:22,885 - Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. So, you know, 302 00:12:23,305 --> 00:12:27,165 how much is your partner willing to be part 303 00:12:27,185 --> 00:12:31,565 of a community in some way to learn from others, right. 304 00:12:31,565 --> 00:12:34,605 So that maybe they can gain the confidence, get some ideas, 305 00:12:35,385 --> 00:12:37,525 you know, just go back and forth with somebody else. 306 00:12:37,525 --> 00:12:38,925 Mm-Hmm. who will understand their perspective. 307 00:12:39,225 --> 00:12:42,005 - You beat me to the punch on that one. Do try . 308 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,645 - Well, can I say the, the hard part here 309 00:12:44,645 --> 00:12:46,565 that is not the happy ending part. 310 00:12:46,955 --> 00:12:50,565 - Yeah. I know. - It is entirely possible 311 00:12:51,035 --> 00:12:54,645 that they are not the kind of dominant you most want. 312 00:12:54,675 --> 00:12:58,285 True. That for all of the, we've talked about it, you know, 313 00:12:58,315 --> 00:13:00,125 they're willing to do this, they're willing to do that. 314 00:13:00,125 --> 00:13:01,365 Mm-Hmm. , I've thought about who they're 315 00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:06,285 as a person, but it can sometimes boil down to 316 00:13:06,935 --> 00:13:09,045 their style of dominance 317 00:13:09,465 --> 00:13:12,005 - Is not the type of dominance you need. Yeah. 318 00:13:12,155 --> 00:13:13,925 - Yeah. That there is a, or a want. 319 00:13:13,995 --> 00:13:17,085 It's not necessarily like a thing you can't overcome 320 00:13:17,105 --> 00:13:20,405 and find a way around, but it is an incompatibility. 321 00:13:20,505 --> 00:13:24,405 Mm-Hmm. . So, you know, I think that if 322 00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:28,925 the conversation might need to be, if, especially if 323 00:13:28,925 --> 00:13:30,925 what we're telling you, you're like, I have been trying this 324 00:13:30,985 --> 00:13:34,885 for, you know, however long the conversation might need 325 00:13:34,885 --> 00:13:39,765 to be, Hey, dominant partner, what is dominance to you? 326 00:13:39,795 --> 00:13:41,765 What, what do you want to be doing 327 00:13:41,985 --> 00:13:44,405 as a dominant Now if they, 328 00:13:44,475 --> 00:13:47,005 because what you don't want is them to tell you, 329 00:13:47,405 --> 00:13:49,005 I want this thing you say you want. 330 00:13:49,265 --> 00:13:51,285 And they're only telling you that out of fear 331 00:13:51,385 --> 00:13:52,845 of the relationship ending. 332 00:13:53,055 --> 00:13:56,085 Right. That's not gonna do anybody any par good parroting. 333 00:13:56,705 --> 00:14:00,055 Mm-Hmm. what? I'm sorry, just 334 00:14:00,685 --> 00:14:02,095 - Parroting. Yes. 335 00:14:02,555 --> 00:14:04,055 - Yes. I mean, 'cause then they're, 336 00:14:04,055 --> 00:14:05,295 they're going through the motions. 337 00:14:05,315 --> 00:14:06,735 Mm-Hmm. so that they don't 338 00:14:07,275 --> 00:14:08,535 in lose the relationship, 339 00:14:08,555 --> 00:14:10,655 but then they're not giving you what you need. 340 00:14:10,665 --> 00:14:12,615 Right. To be satisfied in the relationship, 341 00:14:12,625 --> 00:14:14,215 - Which then builds bad. Right. 342 00:14:14,325 --> 00:14:16,335 - Juju . And that does not end well for 343 00:14:16,335 --> 00:14:17,495 - Anybody. No. So, 344 00:14:17,595 --> 00:14:21,535 - No, quite frankly, the first thing is to get clear on, 345 00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,335 is this what your partner really wants to do? 346 00:14:24,335 --> 00:14:25,975 Mm-Hmm. , they maybe just don't know how, 347 00:14:26,075 --> 00:14:28,215 or they're not confident enough yet 348 00:14:29,115 --> 00:14:31,495 versus is this not at all their style 349 00:14:31,555 --> 00:14:33,375 and they're never really gonna be this way. 350 00:14:33,375 --> 00:14:35,495 Yeah. But they're too scared of losing you 351 00:14:35,495 --> 00:14:37,895 and the relationship to just own up to it. 352 00:14:39,315 --> 00:14:42,775 And that, and that's the, the hardest part. 353 00:14:42,835 --> 00:14:45,455 That's what you gotta get clear on first. Mm-Hmm. 354 00:14:45,495 --> 00:14:46,935 . And then the rest you 355 00:14:46,935 --> 00:14:48,055 can kind of play with, you know? 356 00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:52,005 Yeah. I do think that if they're, they really want to, 357 00:14:52,005 --> 00:14:53,605 they just are feeling lost and clueless 358 00:14:53,605 --> 00:14:55,165 and are not sure how they're supposed to do it. 359 00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:56,845 Maybe they don't wanna admit that to you. 360 00:14:57,315 --> 00:15:00,325 That to me is another moment of I'm gonna need Doms 361 00:15:00,325 --> 00:15:02,285 to like unbend a little bit 362 00:15:02,385 --> 00:15:04,525 and just admit shit to your submissive partners. 363 00:15:04,685 --> 00:15:06,165 , because we are partners. 364 00:15:06,165 --> 00:15:08,965 We're working together towards a common goal, right? Mm-Hmm. 365 00:15:09,125 --> 00:15:13,005 . So, you know, if Yes, they wanna be doing it 366 00:15:13,005 --> 00:15:14,245 and they just don't know how, one, 367 00:15:14,245 --> 00:15:15,765 hopefully they will admit that to you. 368 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:19,365 Yeah. Two, I definitely think positive reinforcement when 369 00:15:19,365 --> 00:15:22,285 you can point out, maybe not in the moment, right, right. 370 00:15:22,305 --> 00:15:24,405 But like later you can point out this thing they did 371 00:15:24,405 --> 00:15:26,165 that like really hit all your buttons for you. 372 00:15:27,235 --> 00:15:30,485 That lets them know that gives them clear concrete examples 373 00:15:30,485 --> 00:15:31,645 of what that looks like and what 374 00:15:31,645 --> 00:15:33,085 that feels like on their side. 375 00:15:33,085 --> 00:15:36,685 Right. And then God just talking 376 00:15:36,745 --> 00:15:39,605 to more dominant people of all genders, 377 00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:41,165 because everybody's got their own style. 378 00:15:41,165 --> 00:15:42,885 Everybody's got their own way of approaching it. Mm-Hmm. 379 00:15:42,925 --> 00:15:45,125 and everybody's had to go through that process 380 00:15:45,225 --> 00:15:48,725 of, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing to get to the point 381 00:15:48,725 --> 00:15:50,645 of, well I mostly know what I'm doing 382 00:15:50,785 --> 00:15:52,125 and we'll just figure it out 383 00:15:52,195 --> 00:15:53,645 from there, you know, on the fly. Yeah. 384 00:15:53,655 --> 00:15:54,725 - Right. - 385 00:15:55,625 --> 00:15:58,365 and you know, if it's a lack of confidence as a dominant, 386 00:15:58,515 --> 00:16:00,845 that will probably, if they can find the right group 387 00:16:00,945 --> 00:16:02,725 and the right community and the right people, 388 00:16:03,635 --> 00:16:06,845 that can be the biggest confident boost of all. 389 00:16:06,845 --> 00:16:09,885 Yeah. Um, it may be that you're not the right messenger. 390 00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:12,805 You've already said potentially everything you 391 00:16:12,825 --> 00:16:14,005 can possibly say. 392 00:16:14,005 --> 00:16:15,285 Mm-Hmm. now they have 393 00:16:15,285 --> 00:16:17,005 to decide are they willing to try it? 394 00:16:17,005 --> 00:16:19,285 Does it feel right to them? You know? Yeah. 395 00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:20,845 Will they go seek out the information 396 00:16:21,035 --> 00:16:22,365 that they need to be able 397 00:16:22,365 --> 00:16:23,365 - To make that happen? 398 00:16:23,365 --> 00:16:25,125 I mean, for, for some people, you know, to, 399 00:16:25,305 --> 00:16:27,445 to change it takes a while. 400 00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:28,925 Mm-Hmm. , you know, it definitely does. 401 00:16:29,345 --> 00:16:31,325 And you know, it may be they're willing 402 00:16:31,345 --> 00:16:34,685 to do it at this point, but it may take a little bit Mm-Hmm. 403 00:16:34,725 --> 00:16:37,005 for them to get to get there. So, Mm-Hmm. 404 00:16:37,045 --> 00:16:39,005 - and I Yeah. And I like your idea of, 405 00:16:39,305 --> 00:16:41,605 you start really, really, really small. 406 00:16:41,675 --> 00:16:42,885 Yeah. And really slow. 407 00:16:43,105 --> 00:16:47,165 It might be that what you do is the, 408 00:16:47,785 --> 00:16:49,525 the thing you're trying to ultimately get to 409 00:16:49,525 --> 00:16:51,165 of a certain commanding tone. 410 00:16:51,165 --> 00:16:54,245 Mm-Hmm. a certain behavior, like immediate 411 00:16:54,765 --> 00:16:56,605 reaction when something happens that whatever it is you're 412 00:16:56,605 --> 00:17:00,365 looking for that instead of trying to get, 413 00:17:01,445 --> 00:17:03,765 convince him to just do that one, that one big thing, 414 00:17:03,905 --> 00:17:05,925 you somehow break it down into pieces, parts. 415 00:17:06,095 --> 00:17:08,045 Maybe it's a tone of voice. Mm-Hmm. 416 00:17:08,045 --> 00:17:10,325 Maybe it's, you know, it's how quickly 417 00:17:10,475 --> 00:17:12,045 that he responds to a thing. 418 00:17:12,545 --> 00:17:15,805 Um, maybe it's a look like really small things Mm-Hmm. 419 00:17:16,065 --> 00:17:19,725 Can help you feel some of what you're trying to feel 420 00:17:20,025 --> 00:17:21,645 and then y'all can build on it together. 421 00:17:21,645 --> 00:17:24,565 - Yeah. One other thing I I'd like to add real quick, um, 422 00:17:24,955 --> 00:17:27,525 just touching on the thing where, um, you know, 423 00:17:27,525 --> 00:17:29,205 they talk about how it's 424 00:17:29,205 --> 00:17:32,165 that there were times when they were they misbehaved. 425 00:17:32,165 --> 00:17:33,245 Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. and, 426 00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:35,325 and you know, punishment was put off 427 00:17:35,325 --> 00:17:36,965 and then forgotten there. 428 00:17:36,965 --> 00:17:38,765 There may be a little bit of help with that. 429 00:17:38,875 --> 00:17:42,685 Something like the, the app obedience. Mm-Hmm. 430 00:17:42,725 --> 00:17:45,285 . Okay. You know, where, I don't know 431 00:17:45,425 --> 00:17:47,445 how busy this person is 432 00:17:47,465 --> 00:17:50,205 or what they have on their plate on a regular basis. 433 00:17:50,725 --> 00:17:53,845 I know something, you know, we both know life Sure. 434 00:17:54,025 --> 00:17:57,085 Throws its, uh, you know, monkey wrench in the gears. 435 00:17:58,225 --> 00:18:01,005 And, um, you know, if they, if they have a hard problem, 436 00:18:01,385 --> 00:18:05,045 you know, keeping track with so much going on, um, 437 00:18:05,145 --> 00:18:07,885 an app like obedience could be Right. 438 00:18:07,985 --> 00:18:10,845 You know, something that, because it's a tool for, 439 00:18:10,945 --> 00:18:13,405 and you know, it takes the load off having 440 00:18:13,505 --> 00:18:14,805 to to remember it. 441 00:18:14,805 --> 00:18:17,285 - Right. They can just look, here's the, the thing assigned, 442 00:18:17,665 --> 00:18:18,845 has it been done or not? 443 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,325 Right? Then they have 444 00:18:20,325 --> 00:18:21,365 to remember what they're gonna do about it. 445 00:18:21,365 --> 00:18:22,565 Right. And now that's another thing. 446 00:18:22,905 --> 00:18:27,245 Um, have y'all talked about what possible punishments are? 447 00:18:27,345 --> 00:18:29,525 If you are disobedient, what is going to happen? Mm-Hmm. 448 00:18:29,565 --> 00:18:31,685 , if you have not sat down 449 00:18:31,685 --> 00:18:34,485 and made that, those like concrete, here's what happens 450 00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:37,485 and your partner is having to think of them on the fly, 451 00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:40,805 that's gonna create a resistance if he's not 452 00:18:40,865 --> 00:18:42,165 yet comfortable with that Mm-Hmm. 453 00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:44,885 . But if he knows, hey, it's gonna be one 454 00:18:44,885 --> 00:18:46,405 of these two or three things. 455 00:18:46,515 --> 00:18:48,445 Yeah. And I don't have to think too hard about it, 456 00:18:48,525 --> 00:18:51,485 I just have to like, take care of it and let myself be firm. 457 00:18:51,915 --> 00:18:53,445 That might help there too. Yeah. 458 00:18:53,545 --> 00:18:54,965 - Mm-Hmm. - . So yeah. 459 00:18:54,995 --> 00:18:56,885 There's lots of things to try, hopefully Mm-Hmm. 460 00:18:56,925 --> 00:18:58,125 one or more of these things will help, 461 00:18:58,225 --> 00:19:00,365 but really the first thing you gotta get clear is 462 00:19:00,365 --> 00:19:04,165 that this is the kind of dominant they want to be. That's 463 00:19:04,165 --> 00:19:05,165 - True. 464 00:19:05,165 --> 00:19:06,845 - So, and, and there's, there's, 465 00:19:07,205 --> 00:19:10,285 I have no good advice on, on how to handle that. 466 00:19:10,435 --> 00:19:11,765 Yeah. If that's where there's an 467 00:19:11,765 --> 00:19:13,325 incompatibility Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm, hmm. 468 00:19:13,505 --> 00:19:16,445 Um, but yeah, that then try any 469 00:19:16,625 --> 00:19:18,805 or all of of the things. 470 00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:22,285 Yeah. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. 471 00:19:22,345 --> 00:19:24,045 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 472 00:19:24,115 --> 00:19:27,205 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net 473 00:19:27,385 --> 00:19:29,045 or you can find the link in the show notes. 474 00:19:29,425 --> 00:19:31,925 Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon, 475 00:19:32,055 --> 00:19:34,285 we're able to do this podcast and keep it going 476 00:19:34,285 --> 00:19:36,045 and help Sters due to your support. 477 00:19:36,385 --> 00:19:38,045 If you'd like to be part of our community 478 00:19:38,045 --> 00:19:39,445 and get access to extra content 479 00:19:39,545 --> 00:19:41,765 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 480 00:19:41,765 --> 00:19:43,365 super nice ks, you can do that. 481 00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:46,085 Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. 482 00:19:46,105 --> 00:19:48,805 That's patreon.com/kayla lords, 483 00:19:48,825 --> 00:19:50,125 or use the link in the show notes.