- You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast,
episode 3 95 Killer Lord's here with the man, the myth,
the legend, John Brownstone ,
because we're time traveling.
You're going to hear it right for Friday's podcast
and then for Mondays, you're gonna hear it all
fucked up. All
- Kinds of fucked up. All Jed up.
- Oh my God. Because that was the practice one.
Now, you know what order we record things in .
That's not what we're here for. No.
Uh, this week we are actually revisiting a topic we last
discussed in 2016, in episode 44,
back when they were still two digits.
Uh, and that's the responsibilities we have to each other
and our power exchange.
Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast.
This is your first time listening. Glad to have you.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
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Uh, what I love podcast listeners, you did not see this.
JB took a, did a vape thing.
I still don't know the terminology for the action
of sucking on a vape, uh, vaping.
Okay, sure. And he said, one last one.
We everybody knows that's not his last one.
You either watch or hear the whooshing sound
as he vapes at some point in this episode.
But I think it's darling
that you are trying to tell yourself
- It's the last one till the episode is over.
- That's not at all true . That is not at all true.
- What do you mean not true during the episode?
I do not vape.
- Well, the episode is through
to the end of the bonus section.
Do you mean through the topic? Through
- The topic.
- Okay. The whole episode
- Is from start to finish.
No, the episode is when we talk about the stuff.
The bonus section is just, it's part of the episode Fri It's
- Part of the episode - .
Okay. Anyhow,
- Anyway, , uh, also podcast listeners.
Uh, we're streaming later in the day than usual,
and it is clearly fucking with us .
Um, okay. I said this before. I'm gonna say it again.
Um, also in, in my, um, my little, uh, outline script thing,
I put announcement question mark.
I don't have anything to announce. .
I probably should. Am I marketing our businesses properly?
If I don't, I No, I suck at this .
Um, so just insert your own announcement here.
What, what you think we might say in this part?
You're turning on the fan.
- I'm turning on the fan. - Okay.
So the thing I is, I know I've just said it's a repeat.
And that is this topic we did technically do in 2016
for episode 44.
Um, that's a long ass time ago.
I did link that episode on our website in the places.
If you want to go back and listen to what we sounded like.
Holy crap. Eight years ago, holy shit.
Eight years ago, , what the fuck?
I'm pretty sure we sounded, uh, younger and more hopeful.
life had not quite kicked our asses in 2016.
We were doing good in 2016. Yeah. ,
- Uh, 2016.
It was a good year. Oh,
- Anyway.
Um, so, uh,
but why are we rehashing, not
because I just, Hey, let's redo an, an episode or a topic.
But because, and I mentioned this last week or week
before JB
and I recently had a, we were having
to have not, we were not angry.
I was not angry, but it was kind of a firm conversation.
Uh, we were talking about fuckery.
It was when we were talking about when, you know,
when do I get a break?
Like you get breaks, blah, blah, blah.
But in that conversation,
we were talking about fuckery, .
'cause it's not Jamie's responsibility for me to get breaks.
It's my responsibility. We could talk about that.
But we were talking about how our fuckery works.
And in our power exchange,
because of how I am wired,
I will let him know when I'm interested or unable to,
or unwilling or whatever.
I will, outside of kinky sexy times,
say, Hey, here's a thing.
I'd like, Hey, here's what I've been, whatever, whatever.
Right? Here's what I think I'd like.
Here's what I'd like to do. Have I miss doing this?
I'll do those things.
But for the actual, Hey, there's going to be fuckery.
Now that's j b's job that he signed up for that on day one.
He's never renegotiated it. It is legit.
The only way we will ever have fuckery in our life.
'cause if you waiting on me, who I just,
I forget shit like that exists.
Okay. Um, it's not object permanence,
but it's something like it, I think holding my lip .
Um, and in that conversation
where we were both bemoaning the lack of fuckery, I,
because, uh, I'm,
I'm submissive sometimes when I remember, uh, I said
I it was, and it was a polite conversation.
Yeah. But I basically said, yes,
but that part is your responsibility.
I've told you what I'm down for, and that I'm more into it.
And, hey, I'd really like this.
The the next step is on you until you tell me otherwise.
And so having that conversation made me think about the
responsibilities that we each have as individuals
to ourselves, but also to one another.
And the pow. And I think this might go hand in hand
to one another as being in a relationship, being partners
with each other, but also to the relationship as a whole.
And so I wanted to talk about that.
And when I was doing a little search
through the archive, I was like, oh, shit.
We already talked about it again. I'm pretty sure eight
years later, we'll say slightly different things.
. Hopefully we'll have different examples, .
So, um, before I did try
to like, keep us organized.
We'll see how that goes. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
. But before we get into that, what,
how do you think of that?
The, just the idea of your responsibilities.
Our responsibilities? Like what?
Where's your head at on that
- Got a lot of responsibility?
There's so many, so much responsibility.
Um, you know, there, there's
a whole lot of different aspects. Oh,
- It's all encompassing. Yeah.
- To, to the, the be
because there's our responsibility as parents.
Sure. Um,
- Which does inform how we behave as kinky people.
Mm-Hmm. . I mean, we do not walk
around this house naked because we are are
parenting. There's Yeah.
- A - Child here. Mm-Hmm. . Right?
- Yeah. Um, you know, we, we have our responsibility
to our work and our jobs.
We have our responsibility to ourselves each other as
a, a couple mm-Hmm.
. And then the re added responsibility of,
of the, the Ds.
- Right. And the, I think for, tell me if you agree or not.
Mm-Hmm. , I think the power exchange flows
seamlessly to a certain extent so that I don't,
I know it is separate.
Like the Ds could go away.
There'd still be two married people
doing all the other things we did.
But it feels like such an integral part of myself
as an individual of how our relationship functions.
That I tend to think if I am
showing responsibility to the relationship,
the power exchange is in that as well.
That's like an automatic to me.
Um, because what is good for the relationship Mm-Hmm.
currently at least is good
for our power exchange.
- True. True. - You know, um,
I think those things layer on top of one another.
Mm-Hmm. . And they, whatever you do
to just the generic, Hey, we're married
to one another relationship is going
to impact the power exchange.
And I know that's not true for everybody.
Those, some people very clearly separate those things out.
I don't feel like we do. I know technically we could. Yeah.
I hope to God that never fucking happens.
, uh, you wanna talk about a whiny baby girl
and a grumpy one?
Um, the first thing I had on my list Mm-Hmm.
, um, is not
actually the first thing that's coming to mind.
So we're gonna just skip that. We're gonna go about
talk communication.
Mm. So anybody who's been trying to learn about
or be involved in kink in any way
for more than five minutes has probably heard
a million bajillion times about the
importance of communication.
And that is still is true. Yes. Work on those skills.
Talk to your partner. That is how things happen. Yes.
The, the time I feel the weight
of the responsibility the most is when things are not easy.
Not that they're necessarily bad. Mm-Hmm. .
I mean, you feel it then too, when
like, there's an argument going on.
But even when it's just things aren't
as easy as they can sometimes be.
Let me give you an example.
And I just, I use this example to show that even
after all this time, I still have plenty of room
to grow and learn.
And I still fall back on bad habits.
I do not remember why I felt this way. It was in the past.
Oh, no, I remember now, uh, sorry.
In the past, like couple of days, something happened
that did not actually happen.
I just, sometimes I hurt my own feelings. Okay.
And I was just not in a great mood.
And I had that moment
where I didn't want to have to tell you
or talk to you about what was on my mind.
I wanted you to either just know,
or I'm, I'm, I've gotten to a point in my life.
I don't think that's, um, realistic in general, this face
and these moods are too mercurial.
If the poor man was trying
to ask what's wrong when I've got resting bitch face,
we're just, it'd be weird.
- I'm, I'm beyond asking anymore, right?
- . But it was more like what I wanted.
And I, I'm grateful.
I did not want it for more than about 30 seconds.
What I wanted was for you to notice something was off
and ask me what was wrong.
. And I have,
- I have something to say about that
- .
Well, here's what's funny. I have the thought
and then I caught myself
and I was like, what the actual fuck?
You're not 16 anymore.
You are not 23 and married
and in a bad marriage, what the fuck are you doing?
I was like, wait, if the thing
that calms me down my anxious self
from getting worried about is everything okay with you?
Mm-Hmm. is that I think to myself,
he is a responsible ass fucking adult.
If something's wrong, he will say something else.
That's not always true. You do go into yourself
and that's, that's a different thing.
Yeah. But in general, if I have fucked up
and he's upset with me, he's probably gonna say something.
So I was like, how can I hold him
to a standard he's not holding me to?
If I want to talk about this, I need
to just fucking say something and get over myself.
Funnily enough, I did not end up saying anything.
I just got over it. .
It was not even worth, I really did hurt my own feelings.
It really was not even worth Wow.
The, the annoyance I was feeling
and me sort of feeling sorry for myself
and just wishing that my daddy Dom noticed how sad I looked.
That is not fair to him. He is not a mind reader.
None of us are mind readers.
If, if you've got a fucking problem, it's important enough
to you and you're safe.
I mean, let's gi that let's make that the given. Mm-Hmm.
, you gotta fucking say something.
Otherwise, it can't possibly be that important.
I mean, I know that's not universally true,
but that's how my mind is working. But,
- So, you know, - Did you know that moment?
Did you see it? No. Oh, okay. Phew.
- No . Okay. - Good.
- You know, it, it's, it's kinda like the thing you, uh,
you showed me one time, you are a sire.
- I am. And I don't, I don't even sigh for reasons.
- Right. And for, for a long time,
every time I heard one of those sides,
I was like, what's wrong?
Something going on. You know what, what in
- Your world, people only sighed when there was a problem.
- . Yeah. And,
and no, you just let out these big, deep sides. I mean,
- 'cause I forget to breathe .
- And, you know, I used to always ask,
- I vaguely - Remember that.
Are you okay? Something wrong? You know?
And, and I finally just got to the point where, you know,
one, after seeing this reel talking about certain
neurodivergence and, and just is like a stem
- Sometimes.
Yeah. And I didn't know that either.
- So, you know, now I hear you sigh.
And I'm just like, if there's something really
wrong, she'll tell me. And
- That, you know, that is, and,
- And, and that goes in hand.
I, I came across this reel the other day.
I wish I had saved, I wish I had saved it.
Um, I, it was a woman
talking about hints.
Mm-Hmm. in, in relationships. Mm-Hmm.
where women will hint to their partner,
- Some women, right.
Let's not stereotype for
- Sure.
Okay. Some not, not all.
Um, that they will hint to their partner.
Mm-Hmm. . And you know
what hints are.
Okay? I mean, sometimes I, I do.
So let's pick up on the hint for sure.
Sometimes I pick up on the hint. But her,
her point in this was, there is nothing better
than clear communication, direct communication, direct.
Mm-Hmm. clear communication. Mm-Hmm.
. Um, you know, if you
go on, you know,
these hints, a lot of things could happen.
- Mm-Hmm. - . Okay.
You know, the person doing the hinting could end up getting,
you know, building resentment.
They could, you know, uh, towards their partner, you know?
Oh, I never, they never pay attention. They, you know, the
- Hint might get noticed, but misinterpreted.
Right? Now you're pissed because
you didn't get what you wanted. Didn't
- Get right.
Right. So, you know, I, I think,
and this goes in any relationship.
Mm-Hmm. , I, I think there is a responsibility
to communicate clearly and concisely. Oh,
- I, I agree completely.
And it is a skill. It takes a long time to learn.
The thing I, I tell kinky people,
because too many times we get a,
a question in our inboxers Mm-Hmm.
, you know, we're doing a q and a or something.
And people are like, how do I handle this?
And the answer, biggest answer is, you have to communicate.
Yeah. And it's, and I get it.
I, I get where sometimes for some of us,
we partition things off in our minds
and we go, well, I clearly negotiated the fuckery.
I clearly negotiated the power exchange.
Somehow in our brains, we think that that is,
that communication is separate
and different from every other
kind of communication we need.
Mm mm-Hmm. the skills you learn,
look in somebody in the eye
and going, I'm gonna need you to bend me over
and beat me with a wet noodle until I cry.
Right. Like, those skills, those are the skills you bring
to, Hey, I want this thing and I don't have it.
Hey, I, I'm feeling this way and I don't know why.
Hey, this thing is same skills.
- But you don't, you don't even have to look a person in the
eye I to communicate.
I know it. You can do I it was a example.
- . If, but if you can do that,
because to a lot of people, the negotiation is,
I'm sitting here with you and I want you to like, you know,
gag me with your cock until I puke.
That's the thing. I've definitely lost the monetization on
YouTube, uh, gone now. Um, but can long as
- They don't pull the video too ,
- We can find a way to communicate
that clearly to a partner.
Mm-Hmm. . And then still struggle with,
I am feeling a way
and I have feelings about how I'm feeling.
Mm-Hmm. . And I don't know how to express it,
or I'm afraid to express it or whatever.
Yeah. And because maybe it's
because it's two different scenarios.
Maybe it's because it just feels different.
The end result ends up being different.
We think that these are separate communication skills.
It's the same skill. It transfers. It's not easier. Mm-Hmm.
. It's not, it only gets easier over
time with practice.
You're to tell a person, this is the kinky thing I want you
to do to me or with me.
Mm-Hmm. , or for me, is a vulnerability.
Once you can get that vulnerable with a person, please,
please, please work on being able to go, I care about you,
but you kind of pissed me off back there, .
Like, You know. Yeah.
Or, or I'm feeling insecure.
That's, you know, I've, we've done this podcast long enough
that I've learned better ways to communicate things,
and I get that I, you know, Mm-Hmm.
It's a, a bit of a luxury when you talk
about this shit for a living.
You, you have you skills. Just stay sharp. Right.
Folks who are not doing crazy ass podcasts,
you're gonna have to practice more.
You're not gonna use these skills as often,
but it is your responsibility to
work on your communication.
Mm-Hmm. work through your discomfort
to also learn how, and again, this, this could take a while,
and it's a skill to learn if
that partner is even fucking worthy
of the vulnerability you're gonna bring.
Sometimes we're just with shitty partners, right.
And we can communicate the fuckery,
but then we're like, we're getting signs
that maybe they are not a safe person
to be in a relationship with, to open up another ways to,
maybe they weren't even a safe person to get kinky
with, you know?
And, and that in and of, its, that's a responsibility
to yourself at that point.
Is this person even a good person for me to be with?
Are they the right person for me?
The responsibility to yourself at that point is
to the best of your ability.
And in the safest way possible, fucking withdraw from that.
But if you are in it,
and this is your committed relationship,
and you're like, yep, this is, this is where I want be,
then your responsibility is to get to move
through the discomfort.
You do not get over the discomfort.
You move fucking through it. Yeah.
So, like, I have learned how to say things in ways I think
that are clearer.
Mm-Hmm. , like I no longer,
I did for a long time.
I no longer tell JB
that a thing he's doing makes me feel a
way that's not how it works.
Now I can say I am feeling insecure, ,
but as this thing is happening, Mm-Hmm.
that he happens to be doing,
because here are my internal reasons.
Now, the thing I had to learn
more than how to say the words.
'cause that's difficult.
And when we say, say the words, let's be clear,
that can mean writing them down.
Yeah. That can mean recording voice memos.
That can, that doesn't necessarily always
mean verbally speaking them.
Okay. Communicate the words , I had
to learn the harder lesson,
and I still struggle with it, of not immediately needing
to tell JB what I'm feeling before I go think about
and figure out what the fuck I'm feeling.
Mm-Hmm. , because I made a lot
of my insecurities, jbs problem
for a long time early on,
because once I felt safe to communicate, I thought
that meant say everything you think all the time,
whatever's in there, say it .
Look, you only have to have your conversations safe worded
one or two times before you go.
Maybe I don't have
to say all the things I'm thinking all at one time.
Yeah. It's why I had that moment earlier this week, week
of feeling sorry for myself
and wanting him to know
that I was upset without me having to say anything.
Mm-Hmm. . And yet by that night,
the next morning, I don't even know
I had forgotten the thing that bothered me, ,
and I was no longer upset at all.
But see, I would rather folks overcorrect on the
communication and do what I did in the beginning,
which is I'm gonna tell you all the things on my mind.
Right. . Because if you don't speak up enough,
it just leads to more problems.
It's easier to fix the problem of, I'm glad
that you feel safe enough with me
to tell me literally all the thoughts on a loop, however.
Right. Like, let's pulling back way easier than
saying the thing, you know.
Mm-Hmm. . So please overcorrect.
If, if that is how your brain works, ,
because you can fix that later.
It's much harder to fix the, I've only said three words
to you about this thing that's made me feel bad
for six months.
Right. Like that, that's a different problem. Yeah.
And that's not fair to your partner.
If you have not communicated a pro a problem,
if you have not discussed your feelings, if you have not,
whatever the thing is, that's
where the responsibility is falling down.
How can your partner be held accountable for a thing
that's not an obvious thing to be held accountable for?
Right? Mm-Hmm. , you know, to you feeling
badly in your relationship.
If they're fully unaware,
and I know there are times we go, they should be aware.
This should be obvious. You know what? Yeah.
But in the king community, I think many of us have come
to realize that not all brains are wired the same.
And sometimes I thing that the thing
that you think should be obvious is
not obvious to the next person.
So my tendency is I'm gonna give you grace once
or twice I'm gonna say it.
Even if I think that should be fucking obvious.
, I'm gonna say it
because I want to know that you know, that I know that,
you know, because I said it.
I'm, I'm, I'm like that as a parent.
And I was like that as a manager.
I was like, I know this probably seems obvious to a person,
but let me just say it so I can say Mm-Hmm.
that I said it. Right.
Because when we start doing that,
they should know we're should all over ourselves.
Yeah. Right. They should know what they have your background
and your experiences to know what's obvious.
Nope. Sometimes, but not always. But not always. Yeah.
And when you fall back on the, they should know. Yeah.
To me, you're giving up your responsibility to, of
communicating your needs and your wants
and your upset and your, your feelings.
Clearly. That is our job as individuals. Mm-Hmm.
. Now how that happens, when that happens,
you know, that all is determined by the power exchange,
the nature of the relationship.
I'm gonna tell JB a whole hell what more .
Now I'm gonna tell Joe Schmo in the Starbucks
who looked at my face and went,
that's a face I can pour my whole heart and soul out to.
I won't see them again forever in my life,
five minutes from now.
But I'll tell 'em about that thing
that happened when I was 12.
And they're trapped. And their face is like,
why are you telling me this?
Right? Like, there's two levels
and some people don't get it.
That's why I get trapped by these people in public
who go, that's a face.
I'm gonna tell you everything I've ever thought before.
I'm forced to leave this establishment
and I'm just over there trapped.
That's a different thing. I am, I am more chaotic.
It's like chaos on steroids.
I apologize for anybody who is Mm-Hmm. Yeah.
So let's, so we, I think we've made it clear communication
and responsibility.
Yes. I don't, I don't think,
I think this is when we talked about back in episode 44,
but it's, it's become more important
for us over the past few years.
Mm-Hmm. , that is the responsibility
to the best of your ability to take care
of yourself as an individual.
Yeah. Look, I want JB to fucking take care of me.
I would love to lay down all of the responsibility
and just be like, here, daddy, you do it.
And some folks have power exchanges that way.
They're not the rule. They're the exception. .
Most of us still have to, like, I'm the one that has to call
and make my doctor's appointment.
I gotta make sure I've got my medication now.
Will JB help me? Yes. Mm-Hmm. .
But I'm still responsible for taking my medication.
I'm still responsible for, you know, what do I need?
You know, what do I like sleep.
I know if we don't go to bed until a certain time, I know
what that's gonna mean for me in the morning
when I don't get enough sleep.
That's my responsibility. Now can do, do I ignore that?
Can I let it go? Do we do that together?
And we're like, we should go to bed
early. And then we do not.
- We do not. Right. - But it's not his
fault. We've been doing
- A little bit better.
- We have been you because you lead that. Yeah.
If you leave it to me,
I'll be there till midnight on the couch.
I know. Reading my book. Yep.
Um, and that's a responsibility he agreed to take on.
He wants to take on. I've, I've said straight up if I,
I will lose all sense of time if I'm sitting here.
You know, if you, because of the power exchange,
if you wanna lead this, I'll follow you.
Tell me when it's time to go to bed. Now he could say,
no, I, I don't want to do that.
You need to like set an alarm on your phone.
You need to become more aware of the time
and get yourself to bed.
It's like when he goes away overnight. .
I don't go to bed at the right time.
- No, you don't. Don't go to bed at the right time.
And, uh, I even told you this last time, time for bed.
- No, you said goodnight. Oh, that's all you said.
I ha I have the text message.
- Okay. I thought - I, I knew what you meant though.
, but I was like, oh, goodnight daddy. .
- I guess I know where I need
to be more precise in what I say.
- I'm not gonna lie. If, uh, if you've got a sassy sub
or a brat, your responsibility is the dom
to get very fucking clear.
. I will say I can, I can find a loophole. I really
- Can.
Well, maybe next time
before I go, I will leave a written list.
- I would - Accept that. This, this is your bedtime.
- I would probably want to debate that time with you.
I would probably argue ferociously
for not whatever time you put down .
Um, but because of our power exchange, if you did that, then
I would take the responsibility to get shit done.
Yeah. Because you said it that way. But
because I am responsible for myself
as even being in the way we
have structured our power exchange.
Me being exhausted.
'cause we didn't go to bed at a good time the night before.
I don't get to make that j b's problem.
Uh, mostly grumpy people tend
to be other people's problems until they stop being grumpy.
We give as good as we get.
But I can't walk up to him in an all seriousness, go,
this is your fault that I'm tired.
I'm a grown ass woman. Submissive or not. Right.
I can say something like, Hey daddy, I'm tired.
There have been times I've been exhausted Yeah.
Before he was ready to go to bed.
And I'm like, daddy, I'm really tired.
And he is like, you should go to bed. And I'm like, okay.
I'm doing it. Right. Mm-Hmm. .
But if I had known I was exhausted and not gone to bed
and then been grumpy
or not felt good physically, the next day
he will help me through that.
He will support me.
But I'm gonna be the one that's like,
yeah, I know what I should have done.
I know how I should have handled it.
The fact that, uh, I don't exercise enough.
That's not his problem. That's my, it's our problem,
but it's not his responsibility specifically
because we have not negotiated that in our power exchange.
Because every time we've tried to negotiate
that we fall flat on our face.
It's never been very sustainable since the beginning when we
were, before we were romantically involved.
That was the only time you being in
charge of my physical fitness.
Mm-Hmm. worked.
So, uh, that's my responsibility.
And I, the way I handle that responsibility is
by not handling that responsibility.
But then I don't, in my mind, get to complain
about the things that would be better
or easier if I
moved a little bit more when I walks, whatever I'm capable of doing.
Yeah. You know, we can whine about it.
We can complain about it. Mm-Hmm. .
But it's, it's still my responsibility. Yeah.
- I mean, there, there are things we do
to look out for each other.
Yes. You know, health wise. Absolutely.
- And I, and I think in any caring,
ideally long term loving Mm-Hmm.
However you define that relationship.
You, we are respon we, we look out for one another
because we care.
Because we know that if I'm, if I take care
of myself a little bit better, even with his push
and help, it's better for both of us.
But ultimately, at the end of the day,
he's just a support person.
It, it's, you know,
unless you're not able to, to take care
of yourself, that's, that's different.
That's completed. We're not talking about that.
We're talking about what you're actually able to do
for yourself, but you have not negotiated
away in a power exchange.
Right. Like, you are capable of doing a lot of the things
that we negotiated that I will do for you.
You can do them if you have to. Sure.
You don't abdicate all ability for that. No.
But we've agreed that I will do them.
So they become my responsibility. Right.
The things we have not negotiated and
or haven't kind of
worked their way into the power exchange
are still my responsibility.
Mm-Hmm. until we decide otherwise. Otherwise,
- Yeah.
- Now, I think, and I, I do this,
and I don't know if you do this, when I think
of responsibility, that feels like a very serious
word in my head.
So when something is quote my responsibility, my brain goes,
that is the thing you are supposed
to be doing, and are you doing it?
And if you're not, you're clearly slacking.
Like my brain goes into overdrive
on the word responsibility.
Yeah. But it just means that this is the part of life where
I'm in charge of myself.
Am I taking care of myself? Well?
Should I be in charge of myself? Probably not. ,
- Probably not .
- Um, but until negotiated
otherwise, those things are my responsibility.
And taking care to the extent that you can,
that you have control over, let's be very clear,
there are lots of parts of health
that we don't have control over.
The things you can control, if they are
impacting your life, power exchange,
whatever, then what are you doing?
Like, if you have any control over it,
whether it's taking meds mm-Hmm.
going to a doctor, whatever,
getting some sunlight, 10 minutes a day,
like whatever it is, and you're not doing the things
that you know you need to, that you're physically
and financially capable of doing
and that are impacting your relationship, then that's
where you're falling down on the job of responsibility.
And I say that as somebody who is a much happier
and calmer individual.
If she just go on her stupid little walk
for her stupid mental health daily.
Mm-Hmm. . And do I no
I am responsible for that.
And I am very irresponsible. Okay. And that's just, that's a
- Fact.
Well, I mean the, the same with me.
And you know, there are things I could be doing
to help myself and I choose,
unfortunately not to, you know, but part of that is
because my focus is so pulled in, in, in other directions.
- Right. And that's, that's also a tough thing.
I mean, the 21st century life is, it's almost, I,
I don't know how even non neuros spicy people focus.
Mm-Hmm. . How the fuck does
anybody focus anymore?
There's something Yeah.
That's gonna pull you in a million different directions.
Mm-Hmm. just trying to survive
and like pay your bills is hard enough. Right.
- Fucking how I, I mean, - Lola agrees.
- Lola agrees. , um, you know,
for the past week I've been thinking, you know,
if I get up half an hour
earlier, I could do Tai Chi.
I could go for a walk in the morning.
I, you know, it would help me. I know it would feel better.
Um, you know, I'm not as limber as I could be.
I know I'm not gonna be, you know,
stretchy. But
- You're not gonna be a gumby
- Not gonna be a Gumby. But, you know,
- I wanted to say gumbo when I knew that was
- Wrong.
. Yeah. Gumby. Gumby.
But, um, you know, I could be better than I am. Mm-Hmm.
. And I,
- I know I have, God knows I have the same thought.
Yeah. And what, to be clear when I say that I am responsible
for those things, I have not negotiated with jb
and I mean that to not be a negative when I'm not doing it.
It is that it, I can't blame him
if I'm not taking care of the things
that I'm responsible for taking care of.
Yeah. It doesn't mean that I'm doing the things perfectly
because they're my responsibility now.
I'm doing them. I'm not doing them.
And if I am doing them imperfectly, inconsistently,
because I happen to be a person who does much better
with accountability, I need the outside pressure.
Um, except don't tell me what to do
unless you're allowed to tell me what to do.
And so JB is allowed to give me the outside pressure.
'cause he's the one person on the planet
who's allowed to tell me what to do.
And if I have accountability from anybody else,
it feels like
unwanted pressure and don't tell me what to do.
So I'm fun. Um, the, that's what I mean though,
is when it's your responsibility,
that means it's not your partner's fault
that you're exhausted.
Is it their fault if they woke
you up in the middle of the night with fucker?
Yeah. I mean, maybe. But I guess
that's then your responsibility to decline.
If you're real worried about being a grump in the morning,
you know, we are mostly always, I don't know,
I don't like to speak in absolutes.
We are responsible for our behaviors. Right.
Other people, other factors can
influence the outcomes.
Right. What time we went to bed? Mm-Hmm. .
Um, you know, how, you know, whatever, I can't,
I've gone, I've gone blank.
But then we are responsible for our reactions to that.
So if I am responsible for my own physical wellbeing,
mostly with support from jb, then that means that
I can come to him and say, man, I'm struggling with this
because I'm physically unwell.
That's the nature of our relationship. Mm-Hmm.
. But I don't get to go, it's your fault
that I feel this way or that I am this sore
or that I am run down.
Mm-Hmm. Uhuh. Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm mm-Hmm mm-Hmm.
Nope. And quite frankly, it moves on to the, you know,
we've definitely talked about this in episode 44,
but we can come back to it.
The responsibilities we have as dom sub,
if I say I will do a thing as part
of our negotiations Mm-Hmm.
, then I am responsible for one
of two things doing the fucking thing.
Mm-Hmm. or clearly communicating why
the fucking thing will not get done.
Mm-Hmm. , right? Mm-Hmm. .
So on the things that JB has agreed to take responsibility
for, that come under my wellbeing
and care, he's responsible for it, in
that he will oversee it.
He has told me what I'm supposed to do. Mm-Hmm.
So if I still feel like shit,
it's still not really his fault.
. Yeah. If I didn't do the thing
or communicate that I was not gonna be able to do the thing.
It and becomes a mutual conversation of
how can we correct this where he is often willing
to assume more responsibility.
Mm-Hmm. . Like, do I need more reminders?
Do I need more accountability?
Do I need the threat of a punishment I fucking hate
hanging over my head?
Like, what do I need? Is that something you can give? Right.
- The lines girl .
- So in some ways the responsibility to yourself is simple.
And in other ways it's very complicated,
complex and complicated.
Because it's almost never in the 21st fucking century
as simple as, well, if I just take my meds,
I'll feel better today.
And I wish it worked that way.
, if I just went to bed at 10 o'clock at night,
I would get eight hours of sleep.
Well, will you though, like, we know
what we ought to be doing.
We know what we need to do. We know what we want to do.
But it, that's, it's not as easy as that.
My point is not to say,
oh, you need to go out and be perfect.
It's be careful who the fuck you blame for.
Why you feel the way you do,
where you're at in your personal part of life.
How things are going in your power exchange.
Because what is your responsibility in this moment?
And how are you handling that responsibility?
That's the, the luxury know-it-all tone
I'm going with today.
.
And I think that, you know, that's
probably really in the weeds
because most of the time it's that high level part
of responsibility of communication.
Mm-Hmm. and of, um, clearly
communicating expectations
and also doing what you agree to do in your power exchange.
That's top level responsibility in kink, I think, I think
as a relationship goes on.
As you just develop more time
and experience with one another.
And you have more of these instances.
And depending on how inter enmeshed
and intertwined your lives are, responsibility gets fuzzy.
I am responsible for taking stupid mental walks,
stupid walks for my stupid mental health.
And I don't do it.
So while I'm, am I gonna complain to JB
that I'm feeling like all kinds of outta sorts.
Yeah. But I'm not gonna look to him to fix it because he
and I both know who's responsibility that is.
Mm-Hmm. . And we both know that I know
what I'm supposed to do.
and I, and you know,
but those things impact our relationship
because they impact our life.
And so then it does, it's not his fucking fault if I am not
speaking in that po polite tone that we agree on,
because I am like raging in my brain
because I'm not getting enough sleep
and I'm not getting enough sunshine, actual natural light,
and I'm not going outside
for a walk when I physically am capable of doing it.
Like, I, I might be a problem
, but he's not the reason I'm having
that problem in that moment.
True. Right. Does that, I don't know.
Am I, am I too far in the weeds,
- ?
No, no. You, you, you make perfect sense.
And yet on the other side of the coin too, you know, we,
we have talked about multiple times throughout the years,
you know about the tough love clause.
Yes. Okay. And that goes both ways.
- Oh yeah, for - Sure. For sure.
You know, they're, they're, you know, I have that right.
Just as much as you,
- You also have the right, 'cause you're my dad though.
- Well, I mean, yeah.
- But see that's the thing. We negotiated that ability
to be tough on the other one to take when one of us needs
to take care of our health.
Right. That was part of the conversation.
And so it's a, it's a two-sided part of responsibility
because it's negotiated.
Mm-Hmm. There's the responsibility that you, we both agreed
to that if we see the other not taking care
of themselves in a way that is detrimental to their health.
Right. We have the freedom to speak up Mm-Hmm.
And go, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah.
You're not doing something right. And we negotiated it
that way because he was doing it for me,
especially early days when life felt a lot simpler.
And I was like, yeah, but what if I see you
not taking care of yourself?
What power do I have? What authority do I have?
So our tough love clause is the authority, but it,
because it does go both ways.
And I think if I wanted to be like a hard ass about it,
I could say, well, tough love clause being what it is.
Mm-Hmm. , does that make it your responsibility
to come down hard on me when you see
that I'm not doing things I ought to be doing
that I, we've not negotiated.
Does that make sense? Yeah.
- And, and - I don't think I want that. I'm not advocating
- That, um, you know, no.
That, that to me would be a misuse of the tough love clause.
- Okay. Good. I like that. I'm, I'm
- Down with that, that, that, that's abuse of the system.
- Okay. I'm okay with that. Yeah. Yeah.
'cause I only use it on you when it's like, dude,
you're like bit into a fucking pretzel.
We need to go to the doctor. Right. Whatcha
- Doing .
Right? Yeah. You know, and, and,
and you know, a few times when I've, I'm prone to,
to sinus infection, you know, you've Yeah.
You, you, you know, you,
- When your mental health went in the tank a couple
of years ago, it was like, guess
what you need to do .
- Yeah. Yeah.
- But again, I think that comes back to
does everything come back to communication?
Probably that comes back
to not only the way we initially negotiated
our power exchange Mm-Hmm.
what we were each willing to do
and who we were willing to be in the power exchange.
Right. It's then how we've done sort
of this ongoing consistent re air quote renegotiation.
Mm-Hmm. , I think many people think of that
as a, we stop everything and we start from scratch.
For us a renegotiation is we're just gonna modify this thing
we've been doing for 10 fucking
years. Mm-Hmm. . And do it
- A little differently.
Right. Yeah. I mean, I mean, you know, it's a
- Modification.
- It's a modification. Yeah.
I mean, you don't need to throw it all in the trash.
- No, I don't think you should, quite frankly.
Yeah. I mean, that's way, that's
- Too much.
I mean, there may be times that that is sure what it takes,
but for the most part, you know, you, you, you just tweak
what needs tweaking, fix what needs fixing.
- And in terms of responsibility to act,
to attempt to stay on topic.
Mm-Hmm. , the modification
of the renegotiation, whatever term you want
to use within power exchange, allows you to kind of go, Hey,
I suck at being responsible for myself in this thing.
Mm-Hmm. , do you think you could be
responsible for it?
Or help me or hold me accountable, or whatever, whatever.
And you know, sometimes the answer's yes.
Sometimes the answer's no. Right.
Sometimes the answer is no.
But you know, if you know there are things
that would make your life a little bit easier would make,
um, you know, you feel a little bit better.
And you, I'm speaking mostly to submissives here,
and you struggle doing it on your own.
Like, I should not be in charge of myself. I know that.
Okay. in power exchange can be this great
opportunity to go, Hey, I need help.
We don't call it help. Right.
We, you know, depending on how you Mm-Hmm.
, you use it. It's like, can you,
can you tell me what to do?
Right. , can, can you dumb me through this?
That would be great. ,
what we're really saying is, Hey, can you help me?
Can you, yeah. Can, can support me.
Can, it doesn't mean that JB would then become responsible
for all the things he would be responsible for doing the,
the very specific things he agreed to do.
What does support look like? Right? Mm-Hmm.
and or communicating clearly about why he
can't in this moment or any longer.
Okay. But, you know, when you ask,
especially in a negotiated power exchange for a partner
to be the one to help you be responsible
for the things you are typically responsible for alone,
you need to get very clear on what you mean by that.
Mm-Hmm. , like, as a submissive, it's, it's,
I've almost feel like it's easier
because I can go, Hey, uh, can you remind me to do this?
Can you tell me to do this?
Can you give me a consequence if I don't do this thing?
Because I recognize that I do better with
outside accountability from the one person
who's allowed to tell me what to do.
Um, I not, I can't just say, Hey, can you support me?
And he should never just go, yeah, I'll support you.
And we have not defined what support is
because then it's really easy for both of us to, um,
abdicate responsibility.
We haven't defined what the fuck we mean. Mm-Hmm.
. And what that looks like is abdicating
responsibility is then becomes hurt feelings, you know?
Yeah. You said you were gonna do this thing with my support.
You're not doing it at all. He's pissed. I'm over here.
Like you said, you were gonna fucking
support me and you're not supporting me.
I'm pissed. Now everybody's pissed
because we've not clearly defined what the res
what the roles are, what we're doing.
And that again goes back to clear communication. Yeah.
Which, you know, to loop it around, uh, from,
from a submissive perspective to any submissives out there
who could relate the downside side
to your dominant partner being responsible
for specific things like initiating fuckery.
That is, that's j b's wheelhouse.
That is his responsibility.
That means that if he's not up
for it, he's not thinking of it.
His own health is in the way his mind is elsewhere.
Pick all the things that can happen to any one of us.
Sometimes that means that you might go a while
without the thing you'd like .
Now let's loop keep, keep the loop going. Yeah.
My responsibility is the submissive is to say something.
How I say it when I say it, the tone I use,
it's all gonna be dictated by the power exchange.
Mm-Hmm. . But, uh, if I'm not getting
what I need, and he was the one who agreed to
and continues to agree to be the one to initiate that thing,
I have to say something and a thing that I'm learning.
Some of you're gonna go, duh.
And some of you're gonna go, oh yeah.
I need that reminder too. Being direct,
being assertive, being firm in your speech
is not being mean or disrespectful.
No, not automatically.
It is not sometimes what you say,
but how you say it sometimes is what the fuck you say.
But, you know, I'm, I'm of a generation
where I was heard ad nauseum.
It's not what you said. It's how you said it.
'cause I've been sassy since birth.
Y'all , uh, , huh. I know. It's shocking.
Um, but, you know, I, I have had to work on this.
It's hard to go to JB
and say, in the politest possible way,
I don't think you're doing the thing you
said you would do .
Right. And I don't, I don't come to him like that.
I don't come to him and go, you, you're kind
of sucking at this right now.
I come with how I'm feeling and what I want.
And then I'll say something along the lines of,
is there something I can do to help?
How, how do we get, do you want what I want?
Are you missing this too? Like, are we on the same page?
And if we're on the same page especially,
then it's much easier to turn the conversation to true.
How do we handle this?
Because that's the other part of responsibility.
It, it can be your responsibility 'cause you agreed to it
or you didn't negotiate it.
And so it's still your thing until you negotiate it.
Otherwise, that doesn't mean we
can't help one another through it.
Mm-Hmm. quite frankly, I think we're gonna get
through it better if I go, yeah, yeah.
I recognize you have the authority on this,
but it, it's not going the way we planned.
So how can we do this together? Right.
And then that might be mean a renegotiation. Mm-Hmm.
. He might be like, look, when you want the
fuckery, I'm gonna need you
to send out a very specific signal.
Raise a flag. I'll be like, okay,
but you're gonna have to get me the flag
and you're gonna have to remind me,
- Raise the flag, sound the horns.
You know? Right. Yeah.
- Do a thing. Right. Mm-Hmm. .
Um, and, and that goes back to just
because something is your responsibility does not mean
that you can't have help with it as well.
I know in the first time we talked about this,
I think if I recall correctly,
the focus was on Handle your fucking shit.
Y'all, . Did you say you would do it?
You need to fucking do it. Or talk about while you can't.
That is still true, but I think in terms of partnerships,
long term relationships Mm-Hmm.
, it becomes less of finger pointing.
This is on you. What are you gonna do about it?
And more a how can I support you through this?
How can we do this together? You know? Right.
- And that's, and that's the thing, I think people, a lot
of people don't realize, some do, some don't.
You know, it's, it's not a
a i thing, it's an us thing.
- Right. It goes back to the,
the conversations we've had on teamwork Yeah.
And having, you know,
goals we're trying to achieve together.
I think, you know, sometimes the mm-Hmm.
the way those things are phrased, they sound
very serious and very, um, regimented
and very, like, there's like
a box that you're supposed to fit in.
There's a way to do this. And it's,
it's just imperfect words for we're just trying to get
to the same fucking place together
and still like one another at the end of it.
Mm-Hmm. . Right? Like, we're trying
to do shit together that either is fulfilling to both of us,
or it's fulfilling to one of us,
and the other one doesn't fucking mind.
We're, we're fine with it. It's, it's fine. Right.
We're, I'm just happy to fucking be here.
You know, and,
and that's a very nuanced, subtle kind of thing
that just goes beyond, you know,
the goal is we're gonna learn a new skill.
Cool. We have those goals too. Mm-Hmm. .
But the, the goal for us is like, a current goal
for us is we just wanna survive the last
child going through high school.
And then we think the light at the end
of the tunnel is not an oncoming train.
It is some level of freedom
because we're no longer actively raising a child.
What does that look like?
First of all, let's get to the end of that
and still like one another.
Yeah. Have a strong enough relationship that we want
to do the things that today we want to do.
Right. That's an air quote goal.
But it's not this firm, you know, actionable.
Here's the numbers. It's, it is, it's not that, excuse me.
It's just a, we,
we just wanna survive this point in life together.
Mm-Hmm. and still like one another.
I think that's a good goal to have. Yes. It's, yes.
It's, it's, so what does that look like?
Well, that looks like everything, it looks like all
of the small details that are shorthand in life,
you don't think about them specifically.
And then it's the big stuff and it's the mm-Hmm.
the conflicts. And it's the learning how
to just sit with your feelings for a hot minute.
And not everything has to be a long drawn out conversation
because you know, you Kayla hurt your own fucking feelings.
, and then thought about making it j b's problem
before you went, you know what?
It, it doesn't fucking matter. It's okay.
That's another topic I'd like to do of trying to figure out
those few
but important moments where you actually don't necessarily
have to say a lot.
There are many, many moments
where clear communication is the thing.
Say the fucking thing. Right. , especially
as you're developing the skills.
But then as you develop those skills, there come points
where you, I don't need to bring that up.
It, it's fine. It really is fine.
It's not building resentment.
I'm just an, I'm a fucking bitch today.
And that annoyed me that we did not need
a boardroom meeting for that.
Right. Like those kinds of things.
, that may be another topic soon. Mm-Hmm.
. But yeah, so there's the simplicity
of responsibility that I think it's episode 44.
And then there's the nuance of what that really looks like
in action as you're juggling all these things
that aren't power exchange.
True trim for the few people who have a total power exchange
that has some level of micromanagement to it.
This may not apply.
I do still think, um, a submissive needs
to be responsible for themselves.
They need, they need to
think about their own fucking safety.
Mm-Hmm. . Because sometimes that partner
that you just negotiated, all who's gonna take care
of everything and you don't have
to think about anything gets sick.
I hate to say the word. They die.
Oh, let's not think about that. Mm.
Or they turn out to be a shitty fucking person
and you gotta get away from 'em.
Do you know how to function without their management?
I'm not saying do you know how to function well?
I'm, I'm a a whole ass responsible human being who knows how
to feed, clothe herself, pay her bills,
take like, I I got it.
I know how to do that shit. And I will, when the day comes
that there is no JB here,
we're going together like Thelma and Louise, it's fine.
But in those 30 seconds
before we're gone together, I'm gonna be a hot fucking mess.
Okay. . I'm not saying that it would not be
impossible, that it would be easy to be responsible
for yourself again after something like that.
But you should have the fucking
skills if you ever need them.
So I still think, I don't care what your power exchange is,
we all have a responsibility to ourselves as individuals
outside of the power exchange.
Yes. Yes.
But most of us who try
to integrate power exchange into our day-to-day life in not
that quite of a structure have
to think about our responsibilities on
just a different fucking level.
'cause there's caregiving and parenting, and there's Mm-Hmm.
, you know, having a dog
and cats and there's Mm-Hmm.
having a fucking job
and a boss who's an asshole.
I happen to be the asshole boss. Sorry. .
Uh, JB would really like me
to like tone it the fuck down ,
but it's too bad. Uh, ,
- I threatened go to hr, but
- I reminded him I am hr. Right.
- So, so - He's screwed . Yeah.
He's OSHA's safety stuff though.
And I did get an injury on the job, so
that was his responsibility.
It wasn't me and my inability
to handle a fucking put knife twice in 10 minutes.
Um, so yeah. This is real rambly.
I do not expect folks to walk away with a,
with like light bulbs going on over your head.
I just, I, I think it's worth thinking about at times when
we want place maybe the blame
of why we feel a way on our partner, and it's like, hmm.
Is it their fault? Is it not their fault?
Is it maybe a combination?
Maybe both, both sides
of the slash should have done a little bit more.
How do we approach things
that are a partner's responsibility,
but they're, they're not living up to that responsibility.
Mm-Hmm. and the way we want them to
like, yeah.
Also, it just proves that an offhand comment in,
in a conversation will become a topic at some point on this
fucking podcast .
Because 395 long episodes later, not to mention the 40
or 50 plus short episodes may be more.
Yeah. The only thing left for us to get into is the weeds.
Okay. , we have gone past, we're so far beyond
what is power exchange and what is BDSM?
. . Sorry. .
- True. True. - So rambling. Sure. Confusing. Yeah.
Chaotic. Mm-Hmm. most fucking definitely. Yep.
Helpful. Entertaining.
Maybe, maybe, because I think most of y'all are here mostly
for the chaos anyway.
You gotta be . You gotta be, if you hate the chaos,
I don't know why you're here .
Right. But yeah.
So I do love how the live stream
has been clocking you for vaping .
Did we talk about this before the podcast listeners came in?
Did, did I? Or was it, did this happen before? It,
- It, it happened during the, um,
- The butt rub.
Butt rub. So podcast listeners, JB made the statement,
let me get one last vape in.
I laughed my ass off .
I was like, this is not gonna be the last vape you have.
And he was like, of the episode,
and he meant of the topic discussion.
And I was like, because I count the bonus
section as the episode.
Mm-Hmm. . But
because he said it where others could see him.
Uh, the live stream, the live chat
during the live stream has been watching
- The Times.
And, uh, yeah, they, um, yeah, they did. They caught me.
- Look, I knew that you trying to say
that was your last vape because it's, it's not even,
it's not even a conscious thing you do anymore.
Yeah. Like, it's just,
- It's - It's, it's, you don't even think about it.
You don't even notice it half the time. But I love that you,
- You did a thing where, where others can give you shit
and that's probably a bad thing
that, but, you know, ,
- Look, it's way better than the multipacks you
of cigarettes You used to smoke a day.
True. I'll take fucking vaping.
That's any damn day of the week. Yeah. So, yeah.
Anyway, it has nothing to do with anything
that would've been best for the bonus section,
which we can go into
- .
Okay. So, uh, are we good?
- I don't - Know. I dunno. I dunno.
- Kinky kinky, - Y'all. And we'll see you next week.
- Yes, baby girl. Can - We talk to the crickets, please?
- Yeah. Okay. - Good. I just have to say podcast listeners.
It didn't affect you, but there's no way you didn't notice.
We are live streaming at a completely different time of day.
Yes. I think so far I kind of like it. Mm-Hmm.
. But it has thrown me the fuck off. Yeah.
During the stream. It's thrown
- Me the fuck off it, it's thrown me off a little bit too,
but, um, I mean, it's
still warm in here.
Yeah. But it's way better. But it's not like stifling hot
the way it is during midday
- And actually midday today.
Oh, I, it got just,
just toasty roasty enough in this office.
I was nauseous. I I went and bumped the arrogant.
I know we, I've said this many
times, I'm gonna keep saying it.
We're trying not to pay $500 electric bills. Right.
Um, so we keep it not cold enough. Okay.
- Um, very conservative on the ac
- Oh.
Many, many people would be miserable in our house. Yep.
I know. I am miserable.
Um, but I, I did, I bumped it for a couple
for let it go for a couple hours.
I was like, I you were still outside working.
And I was like, I cannot, I cannot,
- I mean, I, when I came in, I was doing some,
some work at my computer and,
and we were sitting in here
with the lights out Yeah. To help.
- I know. At, at one point I finally went, oh,
what I'm doing requires, requires more concentration.
I need a big light. I need, I need to illuminate what
- I'm looking at. Yeah.
- And that is when I got hot in here again,
when I turn the lights back on
and we like, they're LED bulbs.
Like they're not giving off heat. Really? Not in the
- Classic sense.
Well, they, not in the classic sense,
but I mean, like, we got four bulbs on each ceiling fan.
Mm-Hmm. lit. Plus we have the,
the lights for the recording. Yeah.
- And this is much better - Evening.
And, and I, and I know when we
turn them on, I feel the difference with the lights.
Mm-Hmm. . So the lights, you know,
do make a, make a big difference.
- Okay. I've been validated.
Taste you in the live stream, said
that he keeps his house at 77. That's,
- That's what we keep ours - At.
And that's what we do too. And I know there are some people
who are shuttering right now.
You're like, no, I would melt into a puddle.
Yeah. I too would like to
- Melt it.
Now, now at, at night when we go
to sleep at drops down to 76.
Yeah. Just to give a little bit extra. Yeah.
You know, while we're sleeping.
- But I mean, when there was a time
bef when we first moved into, or just
before that when we were living on our own Mm-Hmm.
, there was a time you could kind of keep your
house at like 73
and you know, you were paying more for your
electric than you might have otherwise.
Mm-Hmm. . But like, it, it was
not a car payment.
It was not a second mortgage. No.
Um, and we, the first time we were like,
okay, we need to cut costs.
That was the thing we just did. We just bumped the air, pump
- The air, you know.
- And it does make a huge differe difference on
- Your bill.
It, it makes a huge difference.
And, you know, I'm in, in one of these community, uh, chat
things, you know the one I'm talking about?
- Yeah. Yeah. I - Think so. Yeah. And,
and I see people on there complaining, you know,
that they have four or $500 electric bills in the summer.
And then somebody, uh, you know, asked the question, well,
what temperature are you keeping the house at?
Mm-Hmm. , you know, and they're like
73, 72 degrees. So,
- And look, I would, if I could pick, that's
where our house would be set at.
Mm-Hmm. way too perimenopausal for anything.
Yeah. Other than that one thing
JB would be wearing a parka.
Yes. He would not be able to handle it. He would be so cold.
Um, but also we probably wouldn't even have electric
because we couldn't afford that fucking bill.
Right. And some people can't.
That I've told JB this multiple times.
Uh, the day we do not care what our electric bill is.
is when the day that our thermostat will be on 73.
Thank you very much. Uh,
and two Life has taken a very good turn for us, .
But like most people, uh,
we have to like watch our money
and that's a place we watch it now.
Um, somebody Susan asked if we have ceiling fans.
We're this is south.
Every, every single room other than the bathrooms
has a ceiling fan and the kitchen.
And they, yeah. And the kitchen.
We live the condo had a ceiling fan. I hated it.
That thing just, you'd have
to clean it daily to keep dust off of it.
Mm-Hmm. . But basically all the bedrooms,
the living room, um, here in our office,
there's two fans in here.
And this is the south. Sure.
Some southerners don't, but most of us,
these fans run every moment of every day.
365 days a year. . Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
. They do not get turned off.
- No. Um, you know, the,
the kitchen here did have a ceiling fan at one time
when we first moved in.
And um, you know,
we had it removed.
One because the light,
the lighting in the kitchen was horrible.
Awful. Couldn't see anything awful.
Um, you know, put, uh, mini split or mini I,
'cause I'm looking at the, uh, um,
the pot lights put the pot lights in the kitchen.
And those are phenomenal.
- Yeah. - You know, for the, for the lighting.
But, um, yeah.
The, the, the kitchen bathroom's pretty much the only rooms
that do not have ceiling fans.
Every, the office has two.
- And I, I don't think they put off enough.
It's just this room is so big. Yeah.
Like, if, I know we can't,
but if we could, I'd put a third one.
- Yeah. I mean, the fans are running a medium.
I could crank 'em up a little bit higher.
- I know. That's the downside when you,
I have found in every fan we've ever had my whole life,
you put that thing on high, you think a plane is taking off.
- Yeah. - It's, yeah.
Now for folks who, like, if JB takes out his hearing aids,
he's not gonna fucking hear that shit.
or, or for anybody who's not sensitive
to certain kinds of sounds, probably wouldn't matter.
I cannot, I can't even handle the over
theto, the oven vent thing.
The vent fan. Oh my God.
And that only has to be on for like 10 or 15 minutes.
Mm-Hmm. , the fan's on high.
First of all, I'm gonna hear the whirring of the blades.
I'm go, I'm definitely gonna hear.
Everybody's gonna hear the chain. Clack, clack,
- Cling. Oh
- God.
Oh my God. Yeah. So Mr.
Fist asked if we've ever looked at
ductless mini split systems. I think I've heard of those.
- We, yeah. Um, but
- We just had to replace our
system a couple years ago. Our,
- Our, yeah. So
- We will not be switching anything now.
- Well, the, the ductless
minis you talking about, can you add it?
That can be added in. Mm.
That, that like, put it up there on the wall. Gotcha. Okay.
It's not tied into a duct.
It's just there, it vents outside.
It's kind of, think of it as a permanent window. Rattler.
- Okay. Oh. Expensive though. - I don't know. Never,
- Never got - That far.
Never got that far to look into. Into it. Yeah.
- Uh, if it's because just before we started streaming
and recording, JB was like, we,
I can't believe we've not thought about getting a window
rattler for one of the windows in this office.
And I'm like, yeah. But those things are pretty loud.
'cause I mean, I'm, I'm old.
I remember the ones from the eighties Yeah.
That were also a sensory nightmare. Oh yeah.
Um, but yeah, like we know one of our goals,
is to replace the windows in here.
Yeah. And that will help with some of the heat. Oh yeah.
Because part of the, they're like sieves.
The, the air just flows
- In and out the Yeah.
- In these windows. Um,
- I, I would even actually like
to see the number of
windows. Oh, fuck yeah. Go down reduced
- Down here.
Go down. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure.
Um, but before or after,
or at the same time that we do something like that, yeah.
It, because when we had the new system put in,
we wanted them to run more vents in here
and they were only able to do one,
which thankfully is right over my desk.
Mm-Hmm. the air blows directly in my
face. It is delightful.
- The, the big, the big problem with this room as it is,
as far as cooling.
Yes. We have the two vents in here.
They, they were able to add one vent,
but only on one side of the room.
Nothing could be done on the other.
And it's a long, long room. Mm-Hmm. .
So what they were going to do to help was
to put another return here as well.
Mm. Because then that takes, you know,
the warm air out and replace it.
Gotcha. And, and they could not, couldn't, you know, they,
they could not do that.
So. Yeah.
- Yeah. We every time I have to pay the bill
for the brand new Yeah.
HVAC and all new ducks.
I'm like, yeah, it really pisses me off.
I can't have this house as cold as I want.
, but also I would be crankier because,
- Um, well maybe one day when we pay that off, we have
that money and we can put it towards keeping the house.
Cool. I know right. . Alright.
- And I, I have not, I don't know anything about it. Mm.
Other than that it's becoming very common here in Florida
for people to do, even on some
of like the smallest little houses we know
that we will probably someday Mm-Hmm.
look into solar.
Um, and I wonder if with solar
we could keep I know we're not gonna be down like
RA's at 65 Yeah.
At her place. We are never gonna No, we're never gonna be
- Be building an egg loop.
- . You would be complaining so much.
- Right. Oh - My God. Um,
but I just kept it a little cooler than we do now.
Yeah. Um, I don't even know what my ideal temperature is.
I know it's not 77 and it's not 76
'cause seven he'll put it down to 76
and I'm like, this has done nothing.
I don know. I don't know what's happening here. Yeah.
Um, but I'm also so used to it being warmer in our house.
Mm-Hmm. that when we go
to somebody else's house and they have it like at 70, 72,
I'm like, I am so cold in here , but I just
- Want, now I just want the freedom
and luxury to, I just, I just want put it down to say, I,
I want y'all to know this for the record.
There are many nights when we go to bed and Yes.
The, the base temperature we try
to keep the house at at night is 76 degrees.
Okay. Um,
but there are many nights
I will bump it down to 75.
You do, I know you do that for me for an hour, hour
and a half, something like that.
Mm-Hmm. just to give us
that little extra chill for going to bed.
- I know. And I - Do appreciate that.
And, and, and that's, that's the nice,
the nice thing about it, um, the one, the, the,
the one thing that I definitely see as an upside
with the new system, we got a smart thermostat Yeah.
Out of it. You know, so Yeah. It's, it's programmed.
I don't really have to touch it. Mm-Hmm.
And, and you know, when I do that little bump, it's,
I have an app, I can control it
through the phone, which is nice. I know. You know,
- And it, you know, the, the type
of system which is pretty standard.
We didn't get anything fancy, but Mm-Hmm.
It controls the humidity in here really well
and lets us know what the humidity is. Yes. So
- If we need to adjust both inside and out, so we, yeah.
- Because that's it's, it's um,
stereotypical, it's cliche.
'cause it's true. It's not the heat, it's the humidity.
Mm-Hmm. at least in high humidity areas.
Um, but that's also why we don't want our temps
to fluctuate too much in here either
because you let it get too warm then it runs
for forever Yeah. To get down to being
- Comfortable - Cool.
Again. Yeah. So Yeah. Yeah.
I just, I feel like I will have,
I will have made it whatever it is when I don't care
what the electric bill and I'm comfortable
- . Right, right.
- Yeah. I actually, especially now that hot flashes
and night sweats are just a, a constant.
Um, I was really enjoying the winter months
because I was like, my toes are cold.
I need to go put on socks. This is delightful.
This is wonderful. Mm-Hmm. .
Now our electric bill dips in the winter.
'cause we don't run the heat very often. No.
Um, it has to, it has to get like
to freezing temps before like Yeah. I guess we'll run
- The heat for a couple hours.
Yeah. A lot of, a lot of times we'll run it in at night
before we go to bed for a little bit.
Turn it off and then we get up in the morning,
turn it on and you know. Yeah.
- But God,
I thought we had finally maybe gotten away from talking
about the fucking weather.
No. We're the old people
who talk about the weather, y'all. Yep.
- Yep. Yep. Yep. - Um,
- Good to see you Eva.
Take care.
- But yeah, you, - I just, yeah. Life in Florida,
- But all of that, that all started from,
it's actually nicer to be doing this at, at night.
Yeah. The livestream.
That's, that's where we went with that.
Right. All that roundabout. That's where we went. Yep.
Yep, yep. Um, I actually also liked the fact that
this is not true of any Wednesday ever.
I worked on shit Mm-Hmm.
that I would not actually normally get to.
I made a little to-do list. Yeah.
I had a, a air quote this normal working day,
normal subjective, um, and stopped at five o'clock
'cause we needed to have dinner
and I needed to be prepped for this
and you know, whatever, whatever.
Um, now does it make for a long day? Yeah, that's fine.
Yeah. Um, I enjoy this so much. Yes.
It's technically air quote work, but it doesn't Yeah.
- Feel like it. Well, you know, I, I kind
of been thinking about this
and I, I, you know, I I brought this up to her to,
to do the, make this change and,
and you know, it kind of goes back to the beginning when we
used to do all the recording for the podcast at night.
- Yes. In the very beginning we were sitting in a closet
'cause it had the best acoustics. Mm-Hmm.
- - So fucking hot in that
- Closet.
Yeah. It was Damn was.
- But yeah, I mean, we had in the beginning,
we had to record at night.
Right. Especially once you started recording with me,
that's really what we had to do at night.
Um, because you were still working your big boy job. Mm-Hmm.
. So,
- So, but yeah, it was, it was kind of weird
for me today too, you know, to go out
and in, in the shop and be doing stuff this morning.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . So
- I know, I, I don't have a sense of what day
of the week it is because
- I know when, when it was very, you know,
very delineated Wednesday morning.
Yep. We get up and, and we're gonna, we we're gonna record
- And, um, yeah.
A couple times today. I was like, what day is it?
Is it Wednesday? Is it Thursday? What day is it? Yeah.
Had to be reminded. It was Wednesday.
- Yeah, it's Wednesday. Um, glad it's not Thursday.
Otherwise we'd, we'd be in trouble. We would,
- We have to go get the oldest - Oldest.
He's, he's, he's coming home for a long weekend. Oh my
- God.
It was, it was the most precious thing. Yeah.
He, he's trying so hard to be as independent as he can
and to figure shit out on his own
because that's just kind of who he is. And,
- And he's really doing a fine job.
He's doing a good job. He really is. Good job. He really
- Is.
Yes. Um,
but he, you know, his summer break started last week
and I've, you know, I expect him to be sleeping a lot.
I know he is working a little bit more.
He is, you know, chilling. I kind of,
because I'm awful at, you know, phone communication.
Mm-Hmm. , even with text, I sort of let him,
if I don't feel like I have something to say,
I'm not like constantly up his ass like, Hey, hey, hey.
Right. Like I let him reach out
or if there's something that I, you know,
it makes sense to send.
And I was doing something the other night. Was it Monday?
- Yes. - Yeah. It's like eight 30 at night. And he calls,
- Well first off to hear her phone ring at that hour
of the night, I was immediately on high alerts.
Like, right. Well what's going on? Well, because the,
- First of all, the only time you will hear my phone ring is
if it's one of the kids or if it's JB
because they're on emergency bypass.
My phone stays on silent unless I'm expecting a phone call.
Mm-Hmm. , if you hear it ring,
it's somebody I care deeply for.
So he calls I'm immediately in scared mom mode.
'cause I'm like, what is wrong? Yeah.
And so I sound anxious when I going,
but you need to sound calm.
'cause if it's an emergency, he's gonna need you to be calm.
And he is, he heard me sound so worried.
He was like, is it okay that I called?
I'm like, baby, you can call me anytime.
But we started talking and he was just,
he was just feeling lonely.
All of his friends who he doesn't room with, have gone off
for the summer to have adventures.
His roommates are not currently there.
I don't know for the whole summer what they're paying
for an apartment they're not living in.
I find that, I find that so strange, but whatever.
And he was just like, I'm just feeling kind of lonely.
And I went, well, why don't you come home for a few days?
He went and, and I can't remember what he said,
but the impression I got from it was, I can't.
I'm like, dude, you don't need a fucking reason.
That's still your room. I have not turned it in
to a sewing room yet.
And quite frankly, I'm just gonna take a corner of it
because we bought this house for the bedroom so
that the kids would always have at least a place
to lay their head if they needed it.
Yeah. So , I was like, yeah.
I said, do you, when do you want us to come get you?
He was like, Thursday after work, .
I was like, done, done and done. We'll be there. Yep.
And then at the end of the little trip. I know, right.
And then in the conversation he's like, thanks
for letting me call.
I'm like my child. Right. You're my child there.
I said, he or no, he said, thanks for answering.
When I called I said, baby, there is not gonna,
unless I physically cannot
you call, I'm picking up the fucking
- Phone.
Right. We know it's you, you know,
it's not like you're some unknown number that pops up and
- Yeah.
So Yeah. But yeah. So well,
- Yeah. He'll, he'll be home.
- He even, he actually even said, yeah,
I missed, I missed y'all.
And I, he sounded surprised
- To say that.
- Like, I, I thought I was a big boy now. .
Well, I was like, well you're, but
- I, I said to you, I said to you, you know, when,
when school was starting to wind down for him Mm-Hmm.
. I was like, I wonder how long it will take.
Mm-Hmm. because he is someone,
he likes to be around people.
- He's an extrovert - To the extreme and,
and he will talk your ear off.
- Oh yeah. Okay. He's a stream of consciousness
- Speaker.
Right. You know, he, he, he just, he, he flows he'll,
you know, the, the typical he'll start on one thing
and then it'll just go off on a tangent.
And then another tangent and then another tangent. He
- Has multiple trains of
thought. Yes. Much like his mother.
- I know. So - The difference is he was raised
to be allowed to do that.
No. Yes. We had to create signals when it was
just overload and we couldn't handle it.
I was raised to that it was not okay to be that way.
Um, and it's,
it's just the difference in him feeling like I can just walk
out into a room with my parental figures
and just tell them what I'm thinking.
Yeah. And he was like, I'm, I miss y'all.
I like being able to just come outta my room
and just tell you what's on my mind.
Like he goes, I know I'm a lot. And I'm like, oh, okay.
He's, he's gotten the messages not really from us. Yeah.
I'm like, you are fine. I can handle it.
I like hearing what's on your mind. Mm-Hmm. .
I also like when I do get a break from it,
I'm not gonna lie, .
Yeah. Yeah. But
- Yeah.
- But yeah, like he, - You know, yeah.
- He shares because he's nev we've never
made him feel like he couldn't.
Right. Like when he doesn't wanna share,
he won't. He just, oh yeah.
- He just won't. - And you can't push him
or force him or nothing close
- To the cuff.
- But I mean, I just, that was one of those things
where like, I don't, y'all know y'all have been listening
to this for however long.
I apologize when I talk too much sometimes I apologize
for having chaotic crazy train thoughts.
Right. Like, I, I probably don't
apologize enough quite frankly.
But like, I just, I was raised in that,
that this is unwanted and you don't do that
and nobody wants to hear you.
And so at the ripe old fucking age of 44,
I am still unlearning and I'm not, I'm not learning quickly.
I'm still very stunted in this how
to just say what's on my fucking mind to the point
that I don't know how to just send a random text
and tell you what's on my mind.
Because there has to be a purpose. There has to be a point.
And we did not raise the oldest either of them that way.
It's like, you don't have to have a point.
You gotta thought come share it. Right.
If we can't because there's something going on
or we can't focus right now, we're gonna let you know.
That was the, the thing we did. Mm-Hmm.
, you know, and legit
had the, like the timeouts.
Oh yeah. Um, 'cause who, when he was younger,
- He can get very intense when he Yeah.
- It's a lot. It's a lot.
- Excuse me. But no. So yeah.
Looking forward to having him come home
and um, I may end up putting him
to work a little bit Yeah.
- On some vanilla - Projects. Yep.
- Which not a bad thing. No.
I think at some point you need to go to him
and work on his bike, don't
- You?
Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
'cause he, he had asked me about that simple stuff.
It's uh, just tune up. Yeah. Kind of stuff.
But yeah, I've been waiting
to hear from him when he's ready to do it. Oh nah,
- I can't do that.
. I gotta nudge.
- I'll, I'll I'll ask him when he is this weekend.
'cause um, I, uh, as you noticed,
'cause I saw you moved all the stuff.
I, uh, went through an old toolbox. Yes.
That was sitting in the back corner. ,
- You went through an old toolbox
and placed all the bits in my workspace
where I pour resin .
And I went, well that's inconvenient that,
so I moved all the bits to his workspace where he glues wood
- - Does the stuff have a new home
that is not in our workspace.
- Oh yeah. I found everything a home today. Okay.
- Good. - found everything, everything found a home
and, and you know, you all the stuff that was there,
that was the stuff I was keeping.
Should have seen all the stuff I threw
- Out.
I saw what it looked like with the trash down at the curb
and everything that was down there.
Yeah. That's, and then I looked at the back of the garage
and saw that it, it was organized.
I went Wow. Okay.
- Yeah. When did you do - That? Like when
- I'm magic - .
You're something, you're something
- Magic.
So, well, you know, it's, it's kind of been
nice because I have been able to,
to split my days lately.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, between working
on Ry stuff.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, I have been doing more, um,
stuff with the wood dom.
- Your vanilla stuff. - Yeah. My, yeah.
Mm-Hmm. . And, uh,
- I know I just added new listings to your et et shop
- Today. You did. You did.
- Because we figured out a system that was,
that was delightful.
Right. Other than I was critiquing his photography skills
and his, um, file naming skills.
I had to tease him like he hasn't had to do this kind
of stuff in so long and we have to work out the,
pardon the expression, work out the kinks of it.
Yeah. But the part I've always struggled with
of getting like products added somehow it's Etsy.
It's not products added to the ry.
I'll do that shit all day long. I got a system for that.
Something about Etsy photos. I don't know why.
I've always struggled with the taking of them
and they have to be taken Yeah.
And edited before you can do the listing.
And I said, look, and then there's all this information on
his like pens and bowls.
I'm like, I don't know this information.
You have to give it to me. So we
we're dividing and conquering.
Right. He's taking all of the pictures
and he's given me a spreadsheet with all the details
of each item, including the price, which I sometimes bump up
'cause I'm like, no, you're
shortchanging yourself again, .
Um, also we like to offer free shipping
and there's an easy way just price everything $35 and above.
And then I take the information
and I got seven listings added in.
Like, it was technically like two hours. Yeah.
Across the morning. Yep. It was
- Delightful because it was, it was, it,
it was wonderful for me too.
Um, basically created a spreadsheet
and Google Docs shared it with you
and, uh, just started lining out all the data
and was able to upload the photos
to a fo folder and link them into the
spreadsheet. So you went right to the
- It was delightful.
It was so organized. Yeah.
Uh, only thing I did was add a column with check boxes.
Mm-Hmm. so I could check off it.
That was, that was satisfying.
I'm like, lemme just check this one up
- And see.
I was just gonna tell you, you know, just
as you finish, just through
- Strike through.
Yeah. Now I, I want, I wanted
- To checkbox, but that's cool.
I I like the check, check boxes are cool. Okay. Fucking
- Love the checkbox.
Checkbox. And then I just had to highlight the one
where I was like, this is not The,
the pictures you've given me are not the product.
What is happening here. Yeah. It was, it was fun.
I mean it was, it was like a good workday.
I worked on my vanilla Etsy shop.
Not anything visible where others can see I was doing
background stuff, but like, I've got some,
I'm gonna do apparel over there.
I might do other things. I'm working on those designs.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, I convinced you to let me, uh,
pay for an online design thing.
Mm-Hmm. . So maybe I can get some cool designs
for loving BDSM two mm-Hmm.
. That is a thing where I have
to pervert vanilla designs to make it work.
Um, and I'm not quite creative enough
to just look at the thing and go,
oh, I know how to kink that up.
Mm-Hmm. . I'm working
on it though. Yeah. ,
- I'm sure you'll figure it out.
I have, I have faith in you.
- I mean, perverting things is just a time honored
tradition in kink .
The weirdest thing is when I take a kink
think and, and make it vanilla.
Like is that un perverting it? I don't know.
I don't know what that's called . But Yeah.
So we, lord, we,
it's the end of our day.
Yeah. But we, I think we also don't feel the pressure of,
oh, we have all these things to do now.
We're like, ah, we could just sit here.
Just, we're just here now. , you're not gonna let me.
- No. 'cause I got things to do. Yeah.
- But what's not like a half days worth
of work, things to do.
Yeah, I know. And I was mostly efficient.
I made sure the dishes were in the dishwasher
before we came in here.
Yeah.
- Good job girl. Thank
- You Daddy.
Thank you for cooking dinner. You're welcome.
He made pasta with his sauce. Yep. It's delicious. Mm-Hmm.
. Uh, okay. I have to .
- I've - So poor. I feel, look, I can tell how tired JB is.
I can tell how much he's trying
to do at once when he gets scattered.
That is, I am the scatter brain when not jb Right.
- Yeah. It's bad when I guess
- .
So he started his tomato sauce this morning,
cooked all day long.
I watched him chop up the veggies that needed chopping
to go in at peppers and onions.
I knew that we had bought mushrooms.
- Mushrooms, yeah. - Pre-sliced.
Just to make life a little easier.
And I didn't, I wasn't paying that close
of attention when he was putting all the
ingredients into the pot.
But I was like, oh, I'm sure he is. Got the mushrooms.
Like no big deal. We are 20 minutes away from
like cooking the actual noodles.
And he goes, I said, I can't remember how you,
I I remember you going, oh shit.
- Yeah. - He realizes he never put the mushrooms in
20 minutes before we're going to eat.
He's like, fuck it. And dumps all of the mushrooms.
Not, not half.
Like I thought we were gonna split the container mushrooms.
'cause what I'm cooking tomorrow night would go
really well with mushrooms.
He just dumps all of 'em and stirs 'em up
and goes, that'll have to do
- .
- Thankfully we both like mushrooms.
- Oh yeah. Raw - Or cooked doesn't fucking matter.
But I was like, well I think it's a little, what are you,
uh, okay.
- . - She was flabbergasted.
- And then I, I was two seconds too late so I was like, oh,
don't worry about dumping all of it.
Just do half. I'll use the other half tomorrow.
- She was too late. Too late. She was not quick enough man.
Because I ripped that plastic off and just dumped
- .
- So, - And,
and you know, te you don't have a cut outta me,
but we can put Sir Richard in the chair.
- I would rather speak with you than as, as delightful
as Sir Richard is, than a
gigantic purple penis .
So Richard is delightful,
but I feel like my banter with you
is just gonna be better.
- I'm - Kidding. So
- I'm just, so, - Anyway,
- Alright, - Let's wrap it up.
- Will we get better at this streaming later in the evening?
I don't know. I don't know so far.
- Just have, just have to stick around and see.
- I I think a little bit of it is, I am used
to keeping my mind to the best of my ability.
Fairly clear in the morning.
'cause I'm focused on what we're gonna talk about.
And today I had a whole day's worth of shit in my head.
. We, we might have to work on that. Yeah.
But, so anyway, um, yeah, thanks for, thanks
for being here, especially to the bitter, bitter end.
- Right. Thanks
- For, um, either putting up with the chaos
or enjoying it, whichever one you are.
. Yeah.
Yeah. Um, yeah.
- . - Yeah. I got nothing else. Okay.
- I guess we'll go. Thanks for joining us. Bye.
- Bye.