1 00:00:10,585 --> 00:00:12,285 - You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. 2 00:00:12,515 --> 00:00:15,205 Okay. The Lord's here with the one, the only, the 3 00:00:15,865 --> 00:00:17,485 you make the cutest noise when you sleep. 4 00:00:17,595 --> 00:00:19,445 John Brownstone. Thank 5 00:00:19,445 --> 00:00:20,085 - You. I think 6 00:00:20,685 --> 00:00:21,685 - . 7 00:00:21,685 --> 00:00:22,885 And also it was like right out of one 8 00:00:22,885 --> 00:00:24,725 of my s Muddy Romance novels. 9 00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:26,725 You made little noises. I reached out and touched you. 10 00:00:26,745 --> 00:00:30,525 You immediately settled. It was adorable . 11 00:00:30,955 --> 00:00:32,565 - Well, low game. - It was right out 12 00:00:32,565 --> 00:00:34,205 of fiction, but it was reality. 13 00:00:36,475 --> 00:00:39,125 - There's art imitate life or life imitate art. 14 00:00:39,265 --> 00:00:40,805 You know what I mean? Yeah. . 15 00:00:42,145 --> 00:00:44,885 - Is that what we're here to talk about? No, no, not at all. 16 00:00:45,085 --> 00:00:46,685 . Actually, in a way, we're sort 17 00:00:46,685 --> 00:00:48,885 of talking about the opposite end of, 18 00:00:49,345 --> 00:00:51,125 of whatever we are, and yeah. 19 00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:52,365 No, it's probably not good. 20 00:00:52,785 --> 00:00:54,765 Uh, this week we're answering a question from someone 21 00:00:54,785 --> 00:00:58,085 who feels like their relationship is in their words, 22 00:00:58,865 --> 00:01:01,645 disintegrating serious stuff now. 23 00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:03,685 Yeah. Welcome to Loving BDSM podcast. 24 00:01:03,905 --> 00:01:05,925 If you're new here, we help kinks like you have happy, 25 00:01:05,925 --> 00:01:07,205 healthy power exchange relationships. 26 00:01:07,545 --> 00:01:09,245 Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app 27 00:01:09,245 --> 00:01:10,325 so you never miss an episode. 28 00:01:10,545 --> 00:01:13,605 And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future one 29 00:01:13,605 --> 00:01:15,925 of these, uh, we have a contact page called Ask your 30 00:01:16,165 --> 00:01:18,885 Questions on our website@lovingbdsm.net. 31 00:01:18,885 --> 00:01:20,565 That's loving bdsm.net. 32 00:01:20,865 --> 00:01:23,365 Or you can find the link in the show notes for this episode. 33 00:01:23,995 --> 00:01:25,685 Okay, let's get into it. It's real simple. 34 00:01:25,825 --> 00:01:28,245 Few words, uh, but it packs upon here. Hmm. 35 00:01:28,745 --> 00:01:31,285 My BDSM relationship is disintegrating. 36 00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,445 I don't know what to do other than let 'em go 37 00:01:33,685 --> 00:01:34,725 and move on with my life. 38 00:01:35,065 --> 00:01:37,965 Any advice? So first I'm gonna say, 39 00:01:38,285 --> 00:01:40,445 normally this is really vague and broad. 40 00:01:40,505 --> 00:01:41,885 It it is. And it's like, huh, 41 00:01:42,185 --> 00:01:44,645 to give actual workable advice, 42 00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:46,245 we would need to know so much more. 43 00:01:46,415 --> 00:01:48,965 - Right? - But when I saw this question come through, 44 00:01:49,085 --> 00:01:51,325 I was like, oh, I have thoughts like, 45 00:01:51,505 --> 00:01:55,285 not necessarily specific to this person's exact situation, 46 00:01:55,285 --> 00:01:57,325 because we just don't have the details, right? 47 00:01:57,545 --> 00:02:00,565 But I think when things are going poorly 48 00:02:01,185 --> 00:02:04,165 in any relationship, somebody at some point 49 00:02:04,555 --> 00:02:06,565 between you has this thought. 50 00:02:07,305 --> 00:02:10,245 And I think anything we might be able to talk about 51 00:02:10,785 --> 00:02:15,445 is more about how to decide for yourself what mm-Hmm. 52 00:02:15,485 --> 00:02:18,765 needs to happen next. So what, what do you 53 00:02:18,975 --> 00:02:19,975 - Think? 54 00:02:19,975 --> 00:02:22,005 Well, I mean, you know, it, it's, it's just like in, 55 00:02:22,105 --> 00:02:26,005 in any relationship, um, you know, unfortunately, 56 00:02:26,065 --> 00:02:30,845 you can't make somebody, you know, care for you or, 57 00:02:31,065 --> 00:02:33,005 or love you or want to be with you, 58 00:02:33,185 --> 00:02:37,125 or, you know, you, the old ad you can lead a horse to water, 59 00:02:37,175 --> 00:02:39,165 can't make 'em drink, right? 60 00:02:40,065 --> 00:02:43,445 And it, it's the same thing with a, with a Ds relationship. 61 00:02:43,945 --> 00:02:45,725 You know, you, you can't force somebody 62 00:02:45,745 --> 00:02:47,165 to do something you don't want. 63 00:02:47,825 --> 00:02:50,085 Now, like you said, there's , 64 00:02:50,955 --> 00:02:53,485 there's a lot missing from this, you know, not sure. 65 00:02:53,625 --> 00:02:55,605 Not knowing any, any particulars. 66 00:02:55,905 --> 00:02:56,925 Do you know when it's done? 67 00:02:57,205 --> 00:03:00,565 I, I think most everybody at any point at the end 68 00:03:00,565 --> 00:03:02,245 of a relationship, deep down, 69 00:03:02,445 --> 00:03:04,165 I think you kind of know Mm-Hmm. 70 00:03:04,205 --> 00:03:05,965 that it's, that it's over. 71 00:03:06,505 --> 00:03:09,045 And it's that, um, you know, it, it's, 72 00:03:09,075 --> 00:03:10,245 it's like grieving you. 73 00:03:10,425 --> 00:03:14,045 You have to come to a point of acceptance. I think so, yeah. 74 00:03:14,045 --> 00:03:15,285 Mm-Hmm. , you know, and, 75 00:03:15,385 --> 00:03:18,125 and then you can kind of start moving on. 76 00:03:18,945 --> 00:03:21,005 - Uh, yeah, I, I agree. I agree completely. 77 00:03:21,205 --> 00:03:24,125 I think sometimes that that acceptance, um, 78 00:03:24,255 --> 00:03:26,005 feels a little bit like relief. 79 00:03:26,225 --> 00:03:29,845 Mm-Hmm. , you know, I, not in A-B-D-S-M way, 80 00:03:30,105 --> 00:03:33,605 but my first marriage, you know, it hurt 81 00:03:33,785 --> 00:03:35,125 to think about it being over. 82 00:03:35,265 --> 00:03:37,925 But when I imagined not being married anymore, 83 00:03:38,065 --> 00:03:39,885 and that was a marriage, so that mm-hmm. 84 00:03:39,925 --> 00:03:41,205 , you know, slightly different, 85 00:03:41,205 --> 00:03:44,885 but not necessarily, um, I felt a sense of relief. 86 00:03:45,085 --> 00:03:46,365 I still felt heartbreak. 87 00:03:46,565 --> 00:03:49,685 I still felt like I didn't want it to be true. Mm-Hmm. 88 00:03:49,725 --> 00:03:50,725 . But when I could think 89 00:03:50,725 --> 00:03:52,845 of us not being together anymore, 90 00:03:53,465 --> 00:03:56,845 and more in the not dealing with the issues we were dealing 91 00:03:56,845 --> 00:04:00,165 with, what I felt was relief, it still took me a minute 92 00:04:00,165 --> 00:04:01,405 to get to that point where I could go, 93 00:04:01,405 --> 00:04:02,525 okay, this relationship is over. 94 00:04:03,065 --> 00:04:04,925 Um, but I think everybody feels 95 00:04:05,155 --> 00:04:06,325 something a little different. 96 00:04:06,525 --> 00:04:08,445 I do think if what you're feeling is relief, I think 97 00:04:08,445 --> 00:04:11,645 that is your gut, your brain, your intuition. 98 00:04:11,755 --> 00:04:13,325 Pick Mm-Hmm. pick which part of your body 99 00:04:13,335 --> 00:04:15,605 you'd like, uh, is telling you something. 100 00:04:16,425 --> 00:04:17,885 The thing, the first thing that came 101 00:04:17,885 --> 00:04:20,325 to my mind when I saw this though, is what do you mean 102 00:04:20,385 --> 00:04:21,445 by disintegrating? 103 00:04:21,445 --> 00:04:25,645 Because sometimes it's two completely incompatible people 104 00:04:26,545 --> 00:04:28,605 unable to find a common middle ground 105 00:04:28,915 --> 00:04:30,525 that is good for mm-Hmm. 106 00:04:30,565 --> 00:04:32,365 , both or all of you, right? 107 00:04:32,945 --> 00:04:37,765 But sometimes it's life has gotten hard be, 108 00:04:37,785 --> 00:04:40,125 you know, outside of your relationship, outside 109 00:04:40,125 --> 00:04:41,245 of anything you can control. 110 00:04:42,025 --> 00:04:44,005 And so every part of your life is hard 111 00:04:44,225 --> 00:04:46,045 and things that you thought would be true about your 112 00:04:46,045 --> 00:04:48,565 relationship in the beginning, just there's no space 113 00:04:48,565 --> 00:04:50,645 for it now forever. 114 00:04:50,985 --> 00:04:52,045 And that depends. 115 00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:56,725 Um, sometimes it's, you thought you were on 116 00:04:57,345 --> 00:04:59,805 the same page, in this case, we'll say BDSM, you know, 117 00:04:59,805 --> 00:05:02,405 you thought your power exchange was going in a similar 118 00:05:02,475 --> 00:05:04,765 direction, and now it doesn't seem that way. 119 00:05:05,265 --> 00:05:09,205 Um, so, you know, when you're thinking to yourself, 120 00:05:09,315 --> 00:05:11,285 this is falling apart around my ears, 121 00:05:11,675 --> 00:05:13,525 what exactly is falling apart? 122 00:05:14,145 --> 00:05:16,565 And, and this is the most common thing we ever say, 123 00:05:16,905 --> 00:05:20,045 and it's not indicated here that, um, 124 00:05:20,555 --> 00:05:21,925 have you talked to one another? 125 00:05:22,075 --> 00:05:25,165 Like, is this a situation where both of you, all of you, 126 00:05:25,405 --> 00:05:27,765 I don't wanna make any assumptions about a relationship 127 00:05:27,765 --> 00:05:29,725 makeup, but everybody involved. 128 00:05:29,745 --> 00:05:32,005 Are you sitting down and talking to one another 129 00:05:32,535 --> 00:05:33,805 about what is going on? 130 00:05:33,945 --> 00:05:37,205 Now, sometimes your answer is clearer than you want it 131 00:05:37,225 --> 00:05:38,405 to be because Mm-Hmm. 132 00:05:38,445 --> 00:05:39,565 , you can't get the other person 133 00:05:39,585 --> 00:05:40,725 to sit down and talk to you. 134 00:05:40,795 --> 00:05:44,565 Well, there's not much of a relationship to salvage. 135 00:05:45,665 --> 00:05:46,845 Uh, you know, a bare minimum. 136 00:05:47,105 --> 00:05:49,245 If the other involved is like, nah, 137 00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:50,805 there's nothing wrong and I wanna talk about it. 138 00:05:50,905 --> 00:05:53,645 Or are you talking about it? And nothing is changing. 139 00:05:54,225 --> 00:05:57,245 That's, that is often a clear sign. 140 00:05:58,065 --> 00:06:00,645 Is this a situation which is unfortunately too common, 141 00:06:00,655 --> 00:06:02,925 where you're putting in all of the effort 142 00:06:03,585 --> 00:06:06,645 and you're getting bare minimum back from your partner. 143 00:06:06,905 --> 00:06:09,045 You know, they're not putting in any effort. 144 00:06:09,045 --> 00:06:10,965 They're only responding when you reach out. 145 00:06:11,155 --> 00:06:14,205 They're half-assing that to begin with. Mm-Hmm. 146 00:06:14,245 --> 00:06:15,845 , you know, you've ha you've, 147 00:06:16,265 --> 00:06:17,605 you're having conversation 148 00:06:17,605 --> 00:06:19,245 after conversation after conversation. 149 00:06:19,695 --> 00:06:21,045 There are too many of us, 150 00:06:21,145 --> 00:06:24,085 and I could probably psychoanalyze why this is, 151 00:06:24,105 --> 00:06:25,725 but that's neither here nor there. 152 00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:27,605 But there are too many of us who go, 153 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:30,605 maybe if I just try one more conversation, 154 00:06:30,735 --> 00:06:32,365 maybe I haven't done enough. 155 00:06:32,815 --> 00:06:35,885 Maybe if I find the right combination 156 00:06:35,885 --> 00:06:38,925 of words at the exact right time, I can get them 157 00:06:39,345 --> 00:06:41,805 to see the problem and to do something about it. 158 00:06:42,425 --> 00:06:46,085 And if you are constantly putting in effort 159 00:06:46,465 --> 00:06:48,565 and getting either nothing in return 160 00:06:48,985 --> 00:06:50,285 or very minimal in return, 161 00:06:50,305 --> 00:06:53,805 or it's going back to the way that it was, which is not 162 00:06:53,805 --> 00:06:57,205 what you want and is making you unhappy, you are being given 163 00:06:58,075 --> 00:07:00,605 very clear information about 164 00:07:00,615 --> 00:07:02,485 where this relationship is headed. 165 00:07:02,515 --> 00:07:04,525 Yeah. I think it goes back 166 00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:05,605 to what you said at the top though. 167 00:07:05,665 --> 00:07:07,485 You have to get to a point of acceptance, 168 00:07:07,825 --> 00:07:09,045 not acceptance of that person. 169 00:07:09,225 --> 00:07:10,485 Not acceptance of the situation. 170 00:07:10,855 --> 00:07:13,885 Acceptance that you can't fix this by yourself, 171 00:07:14,185 --> 00:07:17,405 and you should not be trying to fix this by yourself. 172 00:07:17,825 --> 00:07:19,365 You know, this is a partnership. 173 00:07:19,545 --> 00:07:21,125 You are supposed to be working together. Mm-Hmm. 174 00:07:21,165 --> 00:07:24,245 , you deserve somebody who wants to be in this 175 00:07:24,345 --> 00:07:25,965 as much as you want to be in this. 176 00:07:26,105 --> 00:07:30,045 Now, that does not mean you will come into this, uh, 177 00:07:30,195 --> 00:07:31,725 with the same level, skill level. 178 00:07:31,905 --> 00:07:36,405 You know, you might be able to clearly express yourself 179 00:07:36,405 --> 00:07:38,485 and say, here's what I want, and let's work towards a goal. 180 00:07:38,545 --> 00:07:39,925 And your partner might not be. 181 00:07:40,105 --> 00:07:41,885 Now, does that mean you have to stay 182 00:07:41,885 --> 00:07:43,165 with a partner that you are unhappy with? 183 00:07:43,185 --> 00:07:44,205 Of course not. No. 184 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:46,925 I think though, that sometimes we can give grace 185 00:07:46,985 --> 00:07:49,325 to a person who's like, you're like, oh, you, 186 00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:50,805 you don't have any clue how to do this. 187 00:07:50,855 --> 00:07:53,285 Maybe you'll let me help you figure out how to do this. 188 00:07:53,285 --> 00:07:56,045 Maybe you'll let me like send you some links. Go, go read. 189 00:07:56,105 --> 00:07:57,125 Go listen, go learn. 190 00:07:57,745 --> 00:08:00,245 Um, it's in those cases, it's often 191 00:08:01,505 --> 00:08:03,045 the effort that is put in. 192 00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:05,085 Are they trying as hard as you are? 193 00:08:05,115 --> 00:08:07,205 Even if they're coming at it from a different angle, 194 00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:09,885 maybe it's worth it. 195 00:08:10,815 --> 00:08:13,365 Maybe it's worth trying some more, but not always. 196 00:08:13,465 --> 00:08:14,525 And it doesn't have to be. 197 00:08:14,545 --> 00:08:17,925 The thing is, is there's a scarcity mindset in kink. 198 00:08:17,955 --> 00:08:19,525 There's a scarcity mindset in the world, 199 00:08:19,545 --> 00:08:21,565 but there's a scarcity mindset in kink 200 00:08:21,565 --> 00:08:26,045 that if I leave this one partner who happens 201 00:08:26,265 --> 00:08:28,245 to compliment my kinks in some way, 202 00:08:28,605 --> 00:08:31,365 I will never find another person who 203 00:08:31,925 --> 00:08:33,045 I can have a good time with. 204 00:08:33,165 --> 00:08:35,285 I can have this kind of relationship where I, I can get, 205 00:08:35,545 --> 00:08:38,125 you know, my kinks rocked the way I like. 206 00:08:38,505 --> 00:08:41,885 And I'm not saying that it's not difficult sometimes 207 00:08:41,905 --> 00:08:43,445 to find a compatible partner, 208 00:08:44,425 --> 00:08:47,365 but when we're in that mindset of this is all I'll ever get, 209 00:08:47,445 --> 00:08:48,445 I better hold onto it. 210 00:08:48,785 --> 00:08:52,525 We will stay where we don't need to be for much too long. 211 00:08:52,585 --> 00:08:54,045 Mm-Hmm. . And so then when we're miserable, 212 00:08:54,465 --> 00:08:55,805 so yeah, you got the partner 213 00:08:55,905 --> 00:08:59,365 and you can say, Hey, this is the dom to my sub, the sub 214 00:08:59,365 --> 00:09:01,685 to my dom, the switch to my, like whatever. 215 00:09:01,735 --> 00:09:03,725 Right? You can say you have them, 216 00:09:04,265 --> 00:09:05,565 but you spend all of your time 217 00:09:05,625 --> 00:09:09,885 and energy trying to put together a relationship that can't, 218 00:09:10,055 --> 00:09:12,845 can't hold its form because the other person Yeah. 219 00:09:13,185 --> 00:09:15,485 Is not participating in the same way 220 00:09:15,485 --> 00:09:17,725 and doesn't have the same desires, drive, 221 00:09:18,095 --> 00:09:19,645 wants, needs that you do. 222 00:09:20,275 --> 00:09:22,365 Sometimes it's an incompatibility. 223 00:09:22,465 --> 00:09:24,925 And too many will stay in a bad relationship 224 00:09:25,205 --> 00:09:27,165 'cause they think they'll never get this anywhere else. 225 00:09:27,295 --> 00:09:30,765 Right. And I, you know, look, I get 226 00:09:31,585 --> 00:09:33,485 the luxury and the privilege 227 00:09:33,505 --> 00:09:37,045 of coming at it from a very healthy, a very happy, a very 228 00:09:37,765 --> 00:09:39,965 satisfied 90% of the time, 229 00:09:40,125 --> 00:09:41,765 I think we're satisfied with everything, right? 230 00:09:41,875 --> 00:09:43,245 Yeah. Relationship. 231 00:09:43,385 --> 00:09:46,285 So I, I have not had to be where a lot 232 00:09:46,285 --> 00:09:48,925 of people are in a long, long, long time. 233 00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:51,365 Over 10 years. Okay. I get it. 234 00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,205 So I'm not in the trenches with you, 235 00:09:53,305 --> 00:09:54,725 but here's the thing that I have figured out 236 00:09:55,015 --> 00:09:59,845 after enough failed relationships, I would rather be alone 237 00:10:00,675 --> 00:10:02,205 than be miserable 238 00:10:02,825 --> 00:10:04,045 and work really hard 239 00:10:04,465 --> 00:10:06,805 for somebody who's not working really hard for me. There, 240 00:10:06,805 --> 00:10:08,525 - There's a lot of truth to that. Mm-Hmm. 241 00:10:08,565 --> 00:10:10,565 - . And that's any flavor of relationship. 242 00:10:10,565 --> 00:10:14,725 Mm-Hmm. . I want to be with somebody that 243 00:10:15,835 --> 00:10:18,245 puts in the effort and wants to be there with me. 244 00:10:18,845 --> 00:10:21,325 I don't need a partner. I want a partner. 245 00:10:21,585 --> 00:10:23,365 Now, there comes a point, especially in power exchange, 246 00:10:23,365 --> 00:10:25,805 where you absolutely will feel like you need that person. 247 00:10:25,805 --> 00:10:27,645 Because I'm not as much 248 00:10:27,645 --> 00:10:30,405 of a submissive if I don't have my daddy dom. 249 00:10:30,405 --> 00:10:31,685 Right? Like I am submissive, 250 00:10:31,685 --> 00:10:34,725 but I'm not expressing it very much if he's not there. 251 00:10:34,905 --> 00:10:36,165 Yes. Is absolutely true. 252 00:10:36,625 --> 00:10:40,365 But I don't have to twist myself into knots to try 253 00:10:40,365 --> 00:10:41,565 to keep a relationship going. 254 00:10:42,025 --> 00:10:43,965 Nor am I doing all of the work on my own. 255 00:10:44,265 --> 00:10:46,045 We are in this together. Yeah. 256 00:10:46,625 --> 00:10:47,965 And when one of us falters, 257 00:10:47,985 --> 00:10:50,645 the other one picks up the slack, drags us along 258 00:10:50,735 --> 00:10:52,885 until we are back in sort of a mm-Hmm. 259 00:10:52,925 --> 00:10:54,405 - back in the groove again. Right. 260 00:10:55,345 --> 00:10:58,285 - And I think too many people will settle 261 00:10:58,945 --> 00:11:00,405 for much less than they deserve. 262 00:11:01,065 --> 00:11:02,285 So they're not alone so 263 00:11:02,285 --> 00:11:04,005 that they can say they're in a kink relationship. 264 00:11:04,005 --> 00:11:06,285 Mm-Hmm. . Because at one point it was good. 265 00:11:06,745 --> 00:11:10,285 Oh, another lesson I had to learn in relationships. 266 00:11:11,065 --> 00:11:13,725 Um, sometimes some of us, I am, 267 00:11:13,925 --> 00:11:16,485 I have been this way in the past, we fall in love 268 00:11:16,485 --> 00:11:18,925 with potential, not actual. 269 00:11:19,645 --> 00:11:22,605 I spent a 12 year relationship going, 270 00:11:22,745 --> 00:11:23,885 but I know he's capable 271 00:11:24,555 --> 00:11:26,405 because he was capable at this point. 272 00:11:26,405 --> 00:11:30,205 And he did this thing that I thought was a amazing 273 00:11:30,305 --> 00:11:33,765 and wonderful, and he dug in and he did what he had to do. 274 00:11:34,185 --> 00:11:36,165 And so I spent the next, however many years 275 00:11:36,175 --> 00:11:38,365 after that moment, chasing that potential. 276 00:11:38,525 --> 00:11:39,845 I knew what he was capable of. 277 00:11:40,165 --> 00:11:41,965 I just kept waiting for him to do it. 278 00:11:42,465 --> 00:11:45,485 If what you are saying about your partner is, but, 279 00:11:45,545 --> 00:11:46,645 but they're capable of it. 280 00:11:46,645 --> 00:11:49,325 They have the potential, and you are taking on the 281 00:11:49,385 --> 00:11:52,445 responsibility of thinking, you are supposed 282 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,765 to have the magic words 283 00:11:54,705 --> 00:11:57,845 and maybe the the magic ass mouth, 284 00:11:58,925 --> 00:12:00,085 whatever body parts you're playing 285 00:12:00,085 --> 00:12:01,405 with in your kink relationship, 286 00:12:01,665 --> 00:12:04,605 and that is gonna somehow miraculously make them live up 287 00:12:04,605 --> 00:12:06,165 to their own air quote potential. 288 00:12:06,425 --> 00:12:09,005 You are setting yourself up for failure. Apparently. 289 00:12:09,045 --> 00:12:11,485 I had some thoughts on this. I see that we have no details. 290 00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:15,165 I don't know what this particular person's situation is. 291 00:12:15,405 --> 00:12:16,605 I don't know if it's Yeah. 292 00:12:16,635 --> 00:12:17,965 Beating your head against a brick 293 00:12:17,965 --> 00:12:19,045 wall and nothing else changes. 294 00:12:19,645 --> 00:12:21,845 I don't know if it's just incompatibilities 295 00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:22,965 that you can't align. 296 00:12:22,965 --> 00:12:25,125 Mm-Hmm. , I don't know if it's the very common 297 00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:27,085 thing of being long distance 298 00:12:27,225 --> 00:12:31,405 and you're non kink relationship getting in the way 299 00:12:31,465 --> 00:12:33,325 and pulling you away from one another. 300 00:12:33,385 --> 00:12:35,205 And so then everything does start to fall 301 00:12:35,205 --> 00:12:36,205 - Apart. 302 00:12:36,205 --> 00:12:36,205 There's, there's a lot of different 303 00:12:36,205 --> 00:12:37,685 possibilities. There's so many, many things. Yeah. 304 00:12:37,685 --> 00:12:41,125 - Many things. Um, I think ultimately 305 00:12:42,465 --> 00:12:44,605 the biggest thing people need to remember, I don't care 306 00:12:44,605 --> 00:12:45,845 what size of the slash you are, I don't care 307 00:12:45,845 --> 00:12:47,725 what role you have, I don't care what your kinks are. 308 00:12:48,165 --> 00:12:50,965 I don't care what kind of human you are, 309 00:12:51,425 --> 00:12:55,525 we all deserve a relationship that 310 00:12:56,345 --> 00:12:58,405 we are mostly content and happy with. 311 00:12:58,405 --> 00:13:00,605 Mm-Hmm. , whatever that means for you. 312 00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:01,605 And however that looks. 313 00:13:01,605 --> 00:13:02,645 Some people are gonna be content 314 00:13:02,645 --> 00:13:04,125 and happy with a lot less than other people, 315 00:13:04,145 --> 00:13:05,725 and some people are gonna require a lot more. 316 00:13:06,065 --> 00:13:07,925 And that all of that is valid. 317 00:13:08,385 --> 00:13:10,725 And if you are putting in the effort, and, 318 00:13:11,265 --> 00:13:13,725 and even if you're seeing that your partner is trying 319 00:13:13,825 --> 00:13:15,765 and you're still not there, and you're not content 320 00:13:15,765 --> 00:13:18,205 and you're not happy, and you spend more time going, 321 00:13:18,205 --> 00:13:19,405 oh my God, how do I fix this? 322 00:13:19,405 --> 00:13:21,285 How do I make this work? Why am I so miserable? 323 00:13:21,955 --> 00:13:25,125 That other person might be the kindest, sweetest, 324 00:13:25,125 --> 00:13:26,565 best human being you've ever met 325 00:13:26,675 --> 00:13:28,525 that does not make them the right partner for you. 326 00:13:28,635 --> 00:13:33,245 True. And it is both as simple as and as complicated as that 327 00:13:33,755 --> 00:13:35,765 because sometimes they are a really nice person 328 00:13:35,825 --> 00:13:37,885 and you're unhappy and you're gonna be the one 329 00:13:37,885 --> 00:13:39,965 that maybe breaks their heart temporarily. 330 00:13:40,325 --> 00:13:43,645 I think all of us want to be somewhere where we're valued 331 00:13:43,745 --> 00:13:46,925 and we, you know, are with a person who wants to be with us. 332 00:13:47,025 --> 00:13:48,445 So yeah. Temporarily. Mm-Hmm. 333 00:13:48,485 --> 00:13:49,485 , you break their heart. Maybe, 334 00:13:49,575 --> 00:13:50,685 maybe that's what you do. 335 00:13:50,985 --> 00:13:52,365 And they are sad and upset. 336 00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:53,845 They are a grown ass adult 337 00:13:53,945 --> 00:13:55,365 and will work through that in their 338 00:13:55,365 --> 00:13:56,565 own way, on their own time. 339 00:13:56,565 --> 00:13:58,125 Right. And they may find the, 340 00:13:58,125 --> 00:14:00,525 after that they may find the partner that is perfect 341 00:14:00,745 --> 00:14:03,645 for them and that they are the happiest they've ever been. 342 00:14:03,835 --> 00:14:06,885 Well, and at the same time you might too. 343 00:14:07,985 --> 00:14:11,165 So there, you know, I think, 344 00:14:11,845 --> 00:14:14,165 I know I've always gotten the message of don't be selfish, 345 00:14:14,585 --> 00:14:16,005 you know, especially Mm-Hmm. 346 00:14:16,005 --> 00:14:18,085 Socialized as a woman. Mm-Hmm. In western culture. 347 00:14:18,095 --> 00:14:20,485 Don't be selfish. Think of the others. 348 00:14:20,535 --> 00:14:22,885 Think of other people. Think of the people you care about. 349 00:14:22,915 --> 00:14:25,525 Take care of them. And too many of us do that 350 00:14:25,545 --> 00:14:27,285 to our own fucking detriment. 351 00:14:27,285 --> 00:14:29,045 - Detriment. Yes. And, and you know, that was, 352 00:14:29,045 --> 00:14:31,965 that was something I listening to you talk and, 353 00:14:31,965 --> 00:14:33,005 and things you're saying. 354 00:14:33,075 --> 00:14:34,925 That was something that had come to my mind. 355 00:14:35,425 --> 00:14:40,405 You know, when a relationship is not healthy, 356 00:14:41,425 --> 00:14:44,485 um, you know, and again, we don't know details or, 357 00:14:44,505 --> 00:14:46,965 or you know, what the, the nuances 358 00:14:46,965 --> 00:14:48,445 of what's, what's happening here. 359 00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:51,925 But, you know, it's easy 360 00:14:52,705 --> 00:14:54,765 to play the what if game. 361 00:14:54,985 --> 00:14:57,285 Mm-Hmm. , you know, what if I did this? 362 00:14:57,315 --> 00:15:01,605 What if I did that? What if this, you know, was different? 363 00:15:02,585 --> 00:15:06,685 And, you know, it's easy to get caught up in that and, 364 00:15:07,185 --> 00:15:11,085 and, you know, be kind to yourself. 365 00:15:11,515 --> 00:15:13,365 - Yeah. Realize, - You know. Yeah. 366 00:15:13,685 --> 00:15:15,085 , I, I, I mean, you know what, 367 00:15:15,085 --> 00:15:16,605 what she says about being selfish. 368 00:15:17,185 --> 00:15:21,125 You, you know, BS there comes a point you have 369 00:15:21,125 --> 00:15:22,325 to take care of yourself. 370 00:15:22,425 --> 00:15:23,605 - That's the thing. We are taught 371 00:15:23,605 --> 00:15:24,965 that selfish is a negative. 372 00:15:25,105 --> 00:15:27,285 And sometimes Mm-Hmm. sometimes it's, 373 00:15:27,515 --> 00:15:28,515 - Yeah. 374 00:15:28,515 --> 00:15:31,445 - But it's just like on the P plane, parents, 375 00:15:31,445 --> 00:15:33,325 please put your oxygen mask on 376 00:15:33,325 --> 00:15:35,045 before you help somebody your child. 377 00:15:35,045 --> 00:15:37,165 Mm-Hmm. , please put your own oxygen mask on 378 00:15:37,165 --> 00:15:38,365 before you help your neighbor. 379 00:15:38,365 --> 00:15:39,885 Yeah. This is no different. 380 00:15:40,945 --> 00:15:43,325 If you can't take care of yourself and be taken care of 381 00:15:43,325 --> 00:15:46,685 and be happy and satisfied, how the hell 382 00:15:47,345 --> 00:15:50,005 are you gonna have a relationship where e Right. 383 00:15:50,075 --> 00:15:52,605 Everybody is, is in a good place. Mm-Hmm. 384 00:15:52,645 --> 00:15:55,565 , it's taking care of yourself is techn the 385 00:15:55,565 --> 00:15:58,245 technical definition of selfish, but it is not negative. 386 00:15:58,245 --> 00:16:01,325 It is not the, the way we are often taught to think 387 00:16:01,325 --> 00:16:02,685 of being selfish. 388 00:16:02,745 --> 00:16:05,365 Mm-Hmm. it is, I am taking care of me 389 00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:08,245 because quite frankly, who the hell else is going to. 390 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:10,565 Right. Especially if you're in a relationship 391 00:16:10,565 --> 00:16:12,085 that you would describe as disintegrating, 392 00:16:12,225 --> 00:16:14,845 and your kink partner is not taking care of you, 393 00:16:14,905 --> 00:16:17,245 not helping, not pushing you to take care of yourself, 394 00:16:17,865 --> 00:16:18,925 and they don't seem 395 00:16:18,925 --> 00:16:21,445 to maybe even care whether you're taking care of 396 00:16:22,255 --> 00:16:23,725 who's gonna do it, if not you. 397 00:16:24,435 --> 00:16:27,725 - True. True. - Onyx clearly agrees in the background. 398 00:16:27,795 --> 00:16:29,685 - Yeah. Yep. - That's, 399 00:16:30,685 --> 00:16:31,965 I don't know if the mics are picking it up, 400 00:16:32,185 --> 00:16:33,205 but that's her. Yeah. 401 00:16:33,385 --> 00:16:35,845 - But, but, but she's, uh, she's, she's, she's got a lot 402 00:16:35,845 --> 00:16:37,645 to say on something on the matter. Yep. Yeah. She, 403 00:16:37,785 --> 00:16:38,925 - She feels deeply about this. 404 00:16:38,925 --> 00:16:40,885 Mm-Hmm. . Ultimately, 405 00:16:42,355 --> 00:16:44,485 what do you do if conversation 406 00:16:44,485 --> 00:16:46,685 and communication has not already occurred? 407 00:16:46,825 --> 00:16:48,805 To the point you were like, I think I've said these 408 00:16:48,805 --> 00:16:50,085 things at least once. 409 00:16:50,625 --> 00:16:52,085 Of course, always start there. 410 00:16:52,185 --> 00:16:53,605 You know, what's going on with them? 411 00:16:53,745 --> 00:16:55,245 Is there something, you know, 412 00:16:55,355 --> 00:16:56,485 because the other truth 413 00:16:56,485 --> 00:16:59,125 of the matter can be if you are an anxious person 414 00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:02,405 for whatever the reason, you know, mental health, 415 00:17:02,585 --> 00:17:05,965 neurodivergency, whatever, if anxiety is a part 416 00:17:05,965 --> 00:17:10,165 of your makeup, it is easy to think something's wrong, 417 00:17:10,465 --> 00:17:12,205 and it's about you when it's not. 418 00:17:12,705 --> 00:17:15,845 So, yes, the first step always needs to be communication. 419 00:17:15,845 --> 00:17:18,605 Mm-Hmm. . But there has to come a point where 420 00:17:19,145 --> 00:17:21,845 you decide for yourself, I've, 421 00:17:21,995 --> 00:17:24,845 I've communicated I've said what I need to say. 422 00:17:24,845 --> 00:17:26,005 Yeah. And nothing is changing. 423 00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:27,925 I understand where they're coming from, 424 00:17:28,065 --> 00:17:30,765 but I'm still not happy, whatever it is. 425 00:17:31,225 --> 00:17:32,965 Um, and when you try to communicate, 426 00:17:32,965 --> 00:17:34,605 if you are getting blown off by a partner 427 00:17:34,665 --> 00:17:37,405 and they are refusing, or they are saying the same thing 428 00:17:37,605 --> 00:17:38,765 and doing nothing different, 429 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:43,125 and nothing's changing you, you've done the best you can. 430 00:17:43,225 --> 00:17:45,285 You can't make somebody talk to you. 431 00:17:45,745 --> 00:17:47,565 You can't make somebody change. 432 00:17:48,105 --> 00:17:51,285 You can't make somebody agree with your point 433 00:17:51,465 --> 00:17:53,085 and internalize that agreement. 434 00:17:53,085 --> 00:17:55,925 Right. Like, you can't, you can't make enforce any of that. 435 00:17:56,585 --> 00:17:57,965 Always start with communication. 436 00:17:58,025 --> 00:18:00,565 But then after that, regardless of the reasons 437 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:03,925 for the relationship falling apart, how do you feel? 438 00:18:04,055 --> 00:18:08,445 Right. Would you know, are you happy? Are you content? 439 00:18:08,585 --> 00:18:10,125 Do you wanna keep having this fight 440 00:18:10,185 --> 00:18:11,925 for the next however long? 441 00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:14,965 Mm-Hmm. . Right. And I hope 442 00:18:15,035 --> 00:18:18,725 that more people will say to themselves, no, no, I don't, 443 00:18:18,885 --> 00:18:20,325 I don't want to Mm-Hmm. 444 00:18:20,365 --> 00:18:21,645 , I don't wanna do this. Yeah. 445 00:18:21,865 --> 00:18:23,525 And I don't think I'm the type, 446 00:18:23,585 --> 00:18:24,845 and I did this, I've done this 447 00:18:24,845 --> 00:18:27,885 with every relationship I've ever had that did not succeed. 448 00:18:29,005 --> 00:18:32,085 I will push for repair 449 00:18:32,305 --> 00:18:34,245 and push for communication 450 00:18:34,245 --> 00:18:38,565 and a fix probably longer than I air quote ought to. 451 00:18:39,105 --> 00:18:43,405 But it's so that when it's done, I know that I'm comfortable 452 00:18:43,435 --> 00:18:45,325 that I did what I could do. 453 00:18:46,035 --> 00:18:48,925 Everybody's threshold for how much that's gonna be 454 00:18:48,925 --> 00:18:50,605 and how long they're willing to go is different. 455 00:18:50,605 --> 00:18:52,285 Different. Yeah. That's okay too. Okay. 456 00:18:52,825 --> 00:18:55,845 If you tried twice and you're like, done, that's valid. 457 00:18:55,845 --> 00:18:59,405 Mm-Hmm. , if you tried like me 11 million times 458 00:19:00,345 --> 00:19:02,605 before, you could say, woo, done. 459 00:19:03,025 --> 00:19:04,445 That's also fine. Yeah. 460 00:19:04,825 --> 00:19:06,605 But I think it goes back to what you said at the top. 461 00:19:06,665 --> 00:19:08,885 You find your way to acceptance now. Yeah. 462 00:19:09,145 --> 00:19:11,085 And acceptance doesn't mean your heart's not broken. Right. 463 00:19:11,085 --> 00:19:14,125 It doesn't mean that you're not sad, it just means 464 00:19:14,125 --> 00:19:16,085 that you're like, Hmm, I don't, 465 00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:17,565 I don't want to keep fighting this. 466 00:19:17,655 --> 00:19:20,805 Right. You know, and I really listen to those, 467 00:19:20,895 --> 00:19:23,125 those little feelings, like if you feel a sense 468 00:19:23,125 --> 00:19:24,405 of relief at the idea 469 00:19:24,515 --> 00:19:26,725 that this might be over, there's that, that 470 00:19:26,725 --> 00:19:27,725 - There's some truth there. 471 00:19:27,825 --> 00:19:29,205 You gotta pay attention to that. That speaks 472 00:19:29,205 --> 00:19:30,765 volumes in and of itself then. Yeah. 473 00:19:30,915 --> 00:19:35,645 - Exactly. Yep. So, yeah. What, uh, are, are you good? 474 00:19:35,745 --> 00:19:37,485 Any final thoughts? Okay. 475 00:19:38,065 --> 00:19:40,365 Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. 476 00:19:40,545 --> 00:19:42,245 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 477 00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:45,445 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, 478 00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:47,245 or you can find the link in the show notes. 479 00:19:47,625 --> 00:19:49,645 Big thanks as always, to our kinky community over on 480 00:19:49,645 --> 00:19:52,485 Patreon, we're able to do this podcast and keep it going 481 00:19:52,505 --> 00:19:54,285 and help Sters due to your support. 482 00:19:54,665 --> 00:19:56,285 If you'd like to be part of our community 483 00:19:56,285 --> 00:19:57,645 and get access to extra content 484 00:19:57,785 --> 00:20:00,005 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 485 00:20:00,005 --> 00:20:01,565 super nice ks, you can do that. 486 00:20:01,755 --> 00:20:04,285 Just join us at patreon.com/kloss. 487 00:20:04,305 --> 00:20:08,325 That's patreon.com/klos, or use the link in the show notes.