- You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast.
Kayla Lord's here with the one, the only, the,
there's no way you're properly caffeinated yet, Joan
- Brownstone.
No, I'm not. I, I, I honestly do not think there was enough,
uh, caffeine for me today.
- No, I agree. Uh, yesterday was the same for me. Yeah.
We'll just, we'll just mainline coffee and Yeah.
Be done with it. Mm-Hmm. .
That's not what we're here to talk about though.
No. This week, uh,
we're answering a question from a sickness
of who's been tasked with coming up with ideas
of punishments
and rewards for their power exchange to be part
of the conversation with their dom,
but they don't know where to begin.
- Oh, goodness. Yeah. - That
hopefully we can give some insight.
Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. Welcome
to the Living BDSM podcast.
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Okay. Let's get into the question. All right.
- Deep dive. I'm - , I'm a sub,
but I don't have that much experience yet.
And my Dom just told me
to make a list about 10 possible punishments I would be okay
with, and 10 rewards I'd like, he wants to get
to know me better and, uh, what I like,
and he said, I should think about it for myself as well,
but I have no idea what I should write down.
I know I'm especially into public and exhibition and stuff
and a little bit of pet play,
but I'm not sure what type of punishments
or rewards there would be for that.
So my question is, what can I write down on my list?
- Hmm. - So, I like the fact that the dom's like,
I want you to go away and think about this.
Right. So we can talk about this together. Sure.
- That, you know, that I, I, I like that myself
because it's not just the dom saying, okay,
this is what's gonna be Mm-Hmm.
, you know, no. You know,
let's think about this and we'll talk about it.
That, that, that in and of itself is, is is spot on. Okay.
- Yeah. And it's definitely a good sign that dom's like,
I need to get to know you better and this will help me.
Yes. Love that. Love Dom.
Who's like, no, I don't know it
all, and I don't know you yet. And we're gonna
- Work together.
We're, we're gonna, we're gonna figure this out. Right? Yep.
- Now, the thing is, my first thought,
and we've talked several times
about punishments and rewards.
Mm-Hmm. . And how to figure them out.
'cause it can be complicated Sure.
Once you figure them out, it, I think in retrospect you go,
oh, that was probably, I think a overthought that,
but I get why it happens.
Yeah. The first thing that comes to my mind is,
what do you want the punishments and rewards to do?
Right? Mm-Hmm. , are the punishments meant
to be kind of a kinky game?
Are the punishments meant to deter bad behavior?
Mm-Hmm. what, however y'all define
bad behavior in your dynamic.
- Do you, do you have bratty tendencies?
And this is just gonna be like, you know, the, the push
and pull of the right of the dynamic.
- Are you wanting to change habits?
Go through some submissive training, learn new rules
and punishment might be a tool that helps you
remember, because you're trying to avoid a punishment.
So on the punishment side
and the reward side, I think the very first thing
you could talk about together, you could
think about it on your own.
Both is ideal.
What are these punishments and rewards supposed to be doing?
Are rewards meant to be a positive reinforcement?
So that Mm-Hmm, , you did a good thing.
You remembered a rule. You were working on changing a habit.
You're rewarded for that.
Um, is it, again, it goes back to a kink thing.
Did you, you know, do something difficult or challenging?
And now your dom is proud of you
and wants to reward you with some fuckery.
Like, what is the purpose of the reward?
Once you kind of know that,
then you can start thinking about what those things might
- Be.
And, and, you know, rewards can go a a lot
bigger than that too.
You know, you, you need to kind of think about, well,
you know, what are the things I like outside of king?
You know, do you have any hobbies?
Do you have, um, you know, for example, one reward.
Do you like having your nails done?
You know, a a reward could be either getting a, a,
a new type of nail polish or going
and getting your nails done.
- Right. Um, it can, a reward can be kinky.
You know, you mentioned some of the things
that you think you're probably into.
Um, you know, a reward can be,
we're gonna do a special scene,
a scene we don't normally do.
Mm-Hmm. . We're gonna go to a
special kink place.
A place we don't normally go to.
Uh, so yeah, you have to in, in figuring out punishments
and rewards, what are you trying to accomplish with it?
Who are you as a person? What do you enjoy again? Yes.
Absolutely. Outside of kink and then within kink. Mm-Hmm.
. Now with punishments, consequences
is another way to think of those.
If it's meant to deter behavior or punish broken rules
or missteps
or whatever, there it's,
I don't know if it's more complicated, I think
that's up to the individual.
But it can be a little bit more complicated
because in our opinion, whatever the punishment is,
it needs to be a deterrent.
It needs to be something that you would
allow to happen to you.
Mm-Hmm. or you would allow yourself to do,
but you want to avoid it.
Right. Um, the most common one I get,
and I haven't had it in a long time
'cause I work very hard to be a good girl, is corner time.
Go stand in the corner. Yeah.
I mean that something about it drives me batty
- Or writing lines. Oh,
- I don't like that either.
, part of it's low key, kind of the embarrassment of,
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm gonna go stand
in this corner or write lines.
Part of it is the, um, the,
it takes me away from the thing I was doing.
The thing I'd rather be doing. Right.
Um, you know, when you're thinking of
what potential punishments might be for you that you Mm-Hmm.
consent to.
Um, that can be tough
because I think most of us are like, well,
I don't wanna think of this stuff I don't want to do.
Right. And how could I consent
to something I don't want to do?
Well, it's sort of the Yeah, I know.
I mean, it's kind of like for me, like doing laundry.
I don't wanna do laundry, but I'm gonna,
'cause I like to not Right.
You know, wear dirty clothes,
so I don't wanna go stand in the corner time.
But part of the agreement we have an hour power exchange is
if I misbehave that much and I run my mouth that much.
Well, that's the consequence.
- And, and you know, there, that just made me think
of something too because, you know, like in, in certain, um,
aspects of, of life, you know, being made to, uh, scrub the,
the toilets, you know?
Yes. Or, you know, you don't like cleaning the kitchen.
Well, you know what? You're gonna get a punishment and,
and you're gonna clean the kitchen.
You know, and,
and I think part of the thing is people tend to think well,
you know, punishment and they, they
group it into the kink lifestyle.
But punishment can go a little bit beyond that.
Just like the rewards can. Mm-Hmm.
, you know, do you
stop every day on your way to work for a coffee?
You know, well, you know what? You've been bad today.
You're not gonna get that coffee today. . Right. It's
- A temp.
In those cases, it's a temporary pain
that's not gonna like Mm-Hmm.
actually cause harm. That is an inconvenience.
Or you get a minor disappointment,
but it's enough that maybe the next time you did the thing
that would get the punishment, you go,
oh, I remember that feeling.
Now, can punishment be kinky? Yes.
Yeah. And it doesn't even have to be punishment, which is
where, oh no, I'm pretending to do a bad thing
to get a kinky activity.
You can use kin as punishment,
but I think you need to be careful.
'cause one, it's easy to cross a line.
Two, it's easy to tell yourself
that you'll accept this punishment.
Mm-Hmm. . But actually what you're doing
is breaking your own boundaries. Right.
- So, and you know, the thing you gotta think of with that,
with with kink punishments, um, this one here.
Hi. Hi, Kayla, um, is a masochist. Okay.
So if I told her, you know, you, you, you did something that
that's way outta line, you know,
you're in trouble and you're gonna get punished.
Um, if I were to tell her, well, you know, you're,
you're getting a spanking,
you're getting a paddling, you're getting a flogging.
That is not a punishment to her.
- No. 99.9% of the time, no. That will not be a punishment.
- She's like, bring it on. Now if I were to say, okay,
you have been mad and you are getting hit with a crop
or a cane, right?
That would be a punishment.
- But now if you do that,
and I was actually sitting here thinking, I was like, yeah,
if you told me that you were gonna
cane me, that's a punishment.
Like, I can take one
or two smacks of the cane as part of an overall scene.
Mm-Hmm. . But if the scene is just caning
or the caning is used as the punishment, uh, I'd have
to take some time to think
about if I can send to that or not.
Yeah. And that's the thing I want you
to think about when you're trying to decide.
Mm-Hmm. certain kink activities
that you do not really enjoy that much would be Right for
as a punishment or a consequence.
Because with, again, you don't want
to cross your own hard limits.
Right? Yeah. You also don't want to turn something
that might one day be a thing you'd be willing to do
and to do in a, a fun, um,
positive way into something that you detest.
If we decided that my punishments were cannings,
I don't think, me personally,
I could allow a cane into a scene beyond that,
or I would need time for that.
Or it would depend on how often I got caning.
Like I'm thankfully Now, how would somebody
who does not get dealt consequences very often?
I work very hard at that. Okay.
- , - I work very hard. She does to
- Not get consequences. She does. Yeah. Give her that.
- So could a once every few years caning still
make it okay for a cane to be allowed in a scene?
For me, probably .
But if I was acting out left, right, and center , no.
Eventually I'm gonna look at that cane as the enemy,
or I'm going to become, um, so used to it desensitized.
Right. It's less effective. Yeah.
So yes, a lot of people like to, you know, I've see, uh,
power exchange relationships where the, the sub
or the bottom is like, I do not like spankings.
Well, guess what they get as a punishment? Mm-Hmm.
. Now you have to be able to consent to that
with your whole, your whole ass and your whole heart.
Right? Like, I can't be forced on you
and it be healthy and okay.
But I always like to caution folks that if you're
crossing your own boundaries within a punishment, I think
that can become toxic for you over time.
So just be careful about that now. Mm-Hmm.
For the person who's waited with baited breath,
whether it's the original person who asked the question
or somebody else for us
to just throw out ideas, we don't like to do that. Right.
- And that, that's something that I was just thinking about
because, you know, we get asked a lot between the two of us.
Um, you know, what can I do for punishment? Mm-Hmm.
, you know, and, and,
and it is a, a good, a good valid question,
but it is hard to give an answer
for that, a definitive answer.
Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
Because one person, one person's punishment
is another person's punishment,
- And one person's punishment
is another person's hard limit.
You're not doing that to me.
I'm not consenting to that. Right?
- Be punishments tend to be very personal.
That's what makes them punishments. Alright.
Like when we were long distance, um, one of the things,
because she was always on Tumblr at that time,
like a few times, you know, okay, you're, you're,
you're staying off Tumblr tonight, you know that Mm-Hmm.
. Yeah. Right. So, you know, it, the,
the punishment and even rewards are, are things
that are very personal, you know?
And also at the time, like, uh,
we had a re reward chart for you.
Mm-Hmm. at one point.
And, and you had put things down and
because you were walking a lot, you were exercising, uh,
water bottle was one of your Right. Your
- Requests.
There was one I coveted
and I have, I mean,
I currently still have like
85 million water bottles .
And Jamie was like, we don't need this right now.
You don't, you don't need this today.
And even I was like, I don't need,
I want it, but I don't need it today.
Yeah. So then I was willing to work towards it.
'cause I, I really wanted it .
Uh, I wanted to earn it.
So it, it, again, it goes back to the very beginning.
What are the punishments and rewards meant to do for you
and in your power exchange?
Mm-Hmm. . From there, you can then start kind
of figuring out what do I, what do I really want
that maybe I don't get a lot of.
That's, that can be a really, uh, satisfying reward
that could be kinky or vanilla.
It doesn't matter. Um, with consequences.
It comes down to what would I dread, what would I try
to avoid, but I would still consent to Mm-Hmm.
. Now I can tell you some common ones we
already mentioned corner time.
Yeah. And writing lines. Those tend to be fairly common
for caregiver little dynamics.
Mm-Hmm. . But not, not
necessarily anybody can use that.
Um, I was once threatened with having
to eat something spicy, not by jb, by a former dom
because I was running my mouth.
Uh, I've made sure not to have to do that.
Uh, JB has, uh, withdrawn treats and privileges. Yeah.
That can be a punishment.
Rewards deeply personal, uh, earned goodies.
We did a star chart.
Just seeing the little gold star was enough for me.
Sometimes , you know? Yeah.
Um, or as a, as a treat
or a reward, I may get a scene
where it's all about the stuff I love
that JB is willing to do.
Yeah. He doesn't cross his own boundaries. Right.
But like, when we do an impact scene,
there's gonna be a stinging pain, a burning pain,
a sensation that makes me like go, no, I .
Whereas I would prefer like the deep tissue massage
of a thud sensation.
Well, as a reward, I might get that.
So, you know, we can't tell you what punishments should be.
We cannot tell you what rewards should be.
We can only tell you how to go about trying to figure out
- Fine, figure it out.
- What works for you. Yeah.
Um, and sometimes you're, you know,
I see, you know, I get it.
Your, your job's like, right, 10 of these down
and 10 of those down, and you might get to five and four
and your mind might go blank.
Hopefully within your dynamic, the effort is gonna be
what was rewarded.
And you're not gonna, you know, air quote get in trouble
because you didn't do it to the letter of the, of the task.
Right? Mm-Hmm. , it's about sitting
with yourself a little bit, um,
and thinking about what you really like
and what you don't really like
and why the thing is happening.
And then having the conversation with your partner to say,
here's some things I thought of.
Because when the more mind you get on a topic,
the more ideas will flow.
So you might come up with one idea for a reward,
but in the explaining of why this is a reward
to your partner, your partner might go, oh, if this kind
of thing is a reward for you,
what about this, this, this, and this?
And you might go, I never thought of that.
So put what you can down as ideas, bring it
to your partner, and then have the conversation there.
And it may, it may grow from there. Mm-Hmm. .
Um, but yeah, it's all deeply personal. Yeah.
You know, if it's gonna be effective,
it needs to be personal.
Correct. Mm-Hmm. . Um, yeah.
So I think that is it for that, thanks
for listening to this week's q and a episode.
If you want us to answer one of your questions,
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