1 00:00:10,825 --> 00:00:12,485 - You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. 2 00:00:12,655 --> 00:00:14,805 Kayla Lord's here with the one, the only, the, 3 00:00:14,805 --> 00:00:17,325 there's no way you're properly caffeinated yet, Joan 4 00:00:17,325 --> 00:00:18,325 - Brownstone. 5 00:00:18,325 --> 00:00:20,605 No, I'm not. I, I, I honestly do not think there was enough, 6 00:00:21,105 --> 00:00:22,485 uh, caffeine for me today. 7 00:00:22,825 --> 00:00:25,245 - No, I agree. Uh, yesterday was the same for me. Yeah. 8 00:00:25,245 --> 00:00:28,045 We'll just, we'll just mainline coffee and Yeah. 9 00:00:28,305 --> 00:00:29,245 Be done with it. Mm-Hmm. . 10 00:00:29,245 --> 00:00:30,245 That's not what we're here to talk about though. 11 00:00:30,345 --> 00:00:31,565 No. This week, uh, 12 00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:33,005 we're answering a question from a sickness 13 00:00:33,005 --> 00:00:35,565 of who's been tasked with coming up with ideas 14 00:00:36,305 --> 00:00:37,325 of punishments 15 00:00:37,625 --> 00:00:39,805 and rewards for their power exchange to be part 16 00:00:39,805 --> 00:00:41,445 of the conversation with their dom, 17 00:00:41,905 --> 00:00:43,285 but they don't know where to begin. 18 00:00:43,865 --> 00:00:45,045 - Oh, goodness. Yeah. - That 19 00:00:45,235 --> 00:00:46,685 hopefully we can give some insight. 20 00:00:46,705 --> 00:00:48,085 Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. Welcome 21 00:00:48,085 --> 00:00:49,245 to the Living BDSM podcast. 22 00:00:49,545 --> 00:00:51,565 If you're new here, we help kinks like you have happy, 23 00:00:51,565 --> 00:00:52,725 healthy power exchange relationships, 24 00:00:53,105 --> 00:00:54,805 and at the podcast, your favorite podcast apps. 25 00:00:54,865 --> 00:00:55,965 You never miss an episode. 26 00:00:56,225 --> 00:00:58,885 And if you'd like us to answer your question in an upcoming 27 00:00:58,945 --> 00:01:01,485 one of these, we have a contact page called Ask your 28 00:01:01,685 --> 00:01:04,805 Questions on our website@lovingbdsm.net. 29 00:01:05,025 --> 00:01:07,085 That's loving bdsm.net. 30 00:01:07,105 --> 00:01:09,765 Or you can use the link in the show notes for this episode. 31 00:01:10,475 --> 00:01:12,645 Okay. Let's get into the question. All right. 32 00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:14,805 - Deep dive. I'm - , I'm a sub, 33 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:16,845 but I don't have that much experience yet. 34 00:01:16,865 --> 00:01:18,005 And my Dom just told me 35 00:01:18,005 --> 00:01:21,005 to make a list about 10 possible punishments I would be okay 36 00:01:21,005 --> 00:01:23,685 with, and 10 rewards I'd like, he wants to get 37 00:01:23,685 --> 00:01:26,325 to know me better and, uh, what I like, 38 00:01:26,325 --> 00:01:28,445 and he said, I should think about it for myself as well, 39 00:01:28,745 --> 00:01:30,125 but I have no idea what I should write down. 40 00:01:30,325 --> 00:01:33,205 I know I'm especially into public and exhibition and stuff 41 00:01:33,425 --> 00:01:34,765 and a little bit of pet play, 42 00:01:34,825 --> 00:01:36,645 but I'm not sure what type of punishments 43 00:01:36,665 --> 00:01:38,205 or rewards there would be for that. 44 00:01:38,305 --> 00:01:40,925 So my question is, what can I write down on my list? 45 00:01:41,565 --> 00:01:44,405 - Hmm. - So, I like the fact that the dom's like, 46 00:01:44,445 --> 00:01:46,485 I want you to go away and think about this. 47 00:01:46,485 --> 00:01:48,845 Right. So we can talk about this together. Sure. 48 00:01:49,355 --> 00:01:52,445 - That, you know, that I, I, I like that myself 49 00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:55,365 because it's not just the dom saying, okay, 50 00:01:55,515 --> 00:01:57,045 this is what's gonna be Mm-Hmm. 51 00:01:57,085 --> 00:01:58,565 , you know, no. You know, 52 00:01:58,815 --> 00:02:01,165 let's think about this and we'll talk about it. 53 00:02:01,275 --> 00:02:05,085 That, that, that in and of itself is, is is spot on. Okay. 54 00:02:05,275 --> 00:02:06,885 - Yeah. And it's definitely a good sign that dom's like, 55 00:02:06,885 --> 00:02:09,005 I need to get to know you better and this will help me. 56 00:02:09,225 --> 00:02:11,485 Yes. Love that. Love Dom. 57 00:02:11,485 --> 00:02:12,605 Who's like, no, I don't know it 58 00:02:12,605 --> 00:02:14,325 all, and I don't know you yet. And we're gonna 59 00:02:14,325 --> 00:02:15,325 - Work together. 60 00:02:15,325 --> 00:02:17,205 We're, we're gonna, we're gonna figure this out. Right? Yep. 61 00:02:17,665 --> 00:02:19,605 - Now, the thing is, my first thought, 62 00:02:19,785 --> 00:02:21,285 and we've talked several times 63 00:02:21,285 --> 00:02:22,565 about punishments and rewards. 64 00:02:22,565 --> 00:02:23,605 Mm-Hmm. . And how to figure them out. 65 00:02:23,845 --> 00:02:25,085 'cause it can be complicated Sure. 66 00:02:25,085 --> 00:02:27,405 Once you figure them out, it, I think in retrospect you go, 67 00:02:27,405 --> 00:02:29,885 oh, that was probably, I think a overthought that, 68 00:02:29,945 --> 00:02:31,245 but I get why it happens. 69 00:02:31,515 --> 00:02:34,245 Yeah. The first thing that comes to my mind is, 70 00:02:34,595 --> 00:02:37,965 what do you want the punishments and rewards to do? 71 00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:40,605 Right? Mm-Hmm. , are the punishments meant 72 00:02:40,625 --> 00:02:42,445 to be kind of a kinky game? 73 00:02:43,105 --> 00:02:47,485 Are the punishments meant to deter bad behavior? 74 00:02:47,905 --> 00:02:49,965 Mm-Hmm. what, however y'all define 75 00:02:50,105 --> 00:02:51,205 bad behavior in your dynamic. 76 00:02:51,425 --> 00:02:52,925 - Do you, do you have bratty tendencies? 77 00:02:52,985 --> 00:02:55,845 And this is just gonna be like, you know, the, the push 78 00:02:55,865 --> 00:02:57,965 and pull of the right of the dynamic. 79 00:02:58,665 --> 00:03:01,205 - Are you wanting to change habits? 80 00:03:01,385 --> 00:03:03,805 Go through some submissive training, learn new rules 81 00:03:04,225 --> 00:03:08,765 and punishment might be a tool that helps you 82 00:03:09,925 --> 00:03:11,805 remember, because you're trying to avoid a punishment. 83 00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:13,405 So on the punishment side 84 00:03:13,405 --> 00:03:15,925 and the reward side, I think the very first thing 85 00:03:16,545 --> 00:03:17,885 you could talk about together, you could 86 00:03:17,885 --> 00:03:19,005 think about it on your own. 87 00:03:19,395 --> 00:03:20,445 Both is ideal. 88 00:03:21,155 --> 00:03:23,885 What are these punishments and rewards supposed to be doing? 89 00:03:24,425 --> 00:03:27,885 Are rewards meant to be a positive reinforcement? 90 00:03:28,025 --> 00:03:30,045 So that Mm-Hmm, , you did a good thing. 91 00:03:30,425 --> 00:03:32,805 You remembered a rule. You were working on changing a habit. 92 00:03:32,805 --> 00:03:33,925 You're rewarded for that. 93 00:03:34,625 --> 00:03:37,765 Um, is it, again, it goes back to a kink thing. 94 00:03:38,105 --> 00:03:42,485 Did you, you know, do something difficult or challenging? 95 00:03:42,625 --> 00:03:44,605 And now your dom is proud of you 96 00:03:44,605 --> 00:03:47,085 and wants to reward you with some fuckery. 97 00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:49,445 Like, what is the purpose of the reward? 98 00:03:49,475 --> 00:03:50,885 Once you kind of know that, 99 00:03:51,115 --> 00:03:54,885 then you can start thinking about what those things might 100 00:03:54,885 --> 00:03:55,885 - Be. 101 00:03:55,885 --> 00:03:57,805 And, and, you know, rewards can go a a lot 102 00:03:57,945 --> 00:03:59,245 bigger than that too. 103 00:03:59,705 --> 00:04:01,965 You know, you, you need to kind of think about, well, 104 00:04:01,965 --> 00:04:04,885 you know, what are the things I like outside of king? 105 00:04:05,265 --> 00:04:06,485 You know, do you have any hobbies? 106 00:04:06,665 --> 00:04:11,005 Do you have, um, you know, for example, one reward. 107 00:04:11,145 --> 00:04:12,485 Do you like having your nails done? 108 00:04:13,265 --> 00:04:17,125 You know, a a reward could be either getting a, a, 109 00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:19,965 a new type of nail polish or going 110 00:04:19,965 --> 00:04:21,125 and getting your nails done. 111 00:04:21,375 --> 00:04:24,525 - Right. Um, it can, a reward can be kinky. 112 00:04:24,525 --> 00:04:25,685 You know, you mentioned some of the things 113 00:04:25,685 --> 00:04:27,085 that you think you're probably into. 114 00:04:27,705 --> 00:04:30,125 Um, you know, a reward can be, 115 00:04:30,125 --> 00:04:31,325 we're gonna do a special scene, 116 00:04:31,525 --> 00:04:32,725 a scene we don't normally do. 117 00:04:32,725 --> 00:04:33,725 Mm-Hmm. . We're gonna go to a 118 00:04:33,725 --> 00:04:34,525 special kink place. 119 00:04:34,605 --> 00:04:35,965 A place we don't normally go to. 120 00:04:36,905 --> 00:04:41,405 Uh, so yeah, you have to in, in figuring out punishments 121 00:04:41,405 --> 00:04:44,245 and rewards, what are you trying to accomplish with it? 122 00:04:45,105 --> 00:04:47,845 Who are you as a person? What do you enjoy again? Yes. 123 00:04:48,365 --> 00:04:50,725 Absolutely. Outside of kink and then within kink. Mm-Hmm. 124 00:04:50,765 --> 00:04:52,405 . Now with punishments, consequences 125 00:04:52,505 --> 00:04:53,725 is another way to think of those. 126 00:04:54,665 --> 00:04:59,405 If it's meant to deter behavior or punish broken rules 127 00:04:59,665 --> 00:05:00,765 or missteps 128 00:05:00,765 --> 00:05:03,205 or whatever, there it's, 129 00:05:04,245 --> 00:05:05,605 I don't know if it's more complicated, I think 130 00:05:05,605 --> 00:05:06,685 that's up to the individual. 131 00:05:06,745 --> 00:05:08,885 But it can be a little bit more complicated 132 00:05:08,885 --> 00:05:13,485 because in our opinion, whatever the punishment is, 133 00:05:13,505 --> 00:05:14,925 it needs to be a deterrent. 134 00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:17,285 It needs to be something that you would 135 00:05:17,415 --> 00:05:18,445 allow to happen to you. 136 00:05:18,445 --> 00:05:20,165 Mm-Hmm. or you would allow yourself to do, 137 00:05:20,585 --> 00:05:21,885 but you want to avoid it. 138 00:05:21,885 --> 00:05:24,165 Right. Um, the most common one I get, 139 00:05:24,265 --> 00:05:25,805 and I haven't had it in a long time 140 00:05:26,365 --> 00:05:29,885 'cause I work very hard to be a good girl, is corner time. 141 00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:31,165 Go stand in the corner. Yeah. 142 00:05:31,245 --> 00:05:33,965 I mean that something about it drives me batty 143 00:05:34,105 --> 00:05:35,285 - Or writing lines. Oh, 144 00:05:35,405 --> 00:05:36,405 - I don't like that either. 145 00:05:36,445 --> 00:05:39,045 , part of it's low key, kind of the embarrassment of, 146 00:05:39,665 --> 00:05:41,445 I'm a grown ass woman and I'm gonna go stand 147 00:05:41,445 --> 00:05:42,565 in this corner or write lines. 148 00:05:42,795 --> 00:05:46,085 Part of it is the, um, the, 149 00:05:46,165 --> 00:05:49,045 it takes me away from the thing I was doing. 150 00:05:49,065 --> 00:05:50,685 The thing I'd rather be doing. Right. 151 00:05:51,225 --> 00:05:54,645 Um, you know, when you're thinking of 152 00:05:54,995 --> 00:05:58,685 what potential punishments might be for you that you Mm-Hmm. 153 00:05:58,725 --> 00:05:59,725 consent to. 154 00:06:00,505 --> 00:06:02,045 Um, that can be tough 155 00:06:02,045 --> 00:06:03,645 because I think most of us are like, well, 156 00:06:03,645 --> 00:06:05,885 I don't wanna think of this stuff I don't want to do. 157 00:06:05,885 --> 00:06:07,325 Right. And how could I consent 158 00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:08,805 to something I don't want to do? 159 00:06:08,915 --> 00:06:11,165 Well, it's sort of the Yeah, I know. 160 00:06:11,165 --> 00:06:13,005 I mean, it's kind of like for me, like doing laundry. 161 00:06:13,245 --> 00:06:15,125 I don't wanna do laundry, but I'm gonna, 162 00:06:15,325 --> 00:06:16,325 'cause I like to not Right. 163 00:06:16,385 --> 00:06:17,445 You know, wear dirty clothes, 164 00:06:17,865 --> 00:06:20,405 so I don't wanna go stand in the corner time. 165 00:06:20,425 --> 00:06:23,285 But part of the agreement we have an hour power exchange is 166 00:06:23,305 --> 00:06:26,485 if I misbehave that much and I run my mouth that much. 167 00:06:26,875 --> 00:06:28,245 Well, that's the consequence. 168 00:06:28,385 --> 00:06:30,285 - And, and you know, there, that just made me think 169 00:06:30,285 --> 00:06:33,525 of something too because, you know, like in, in certain, um, 170 00:06:34,115 --> 00:06:38,885 aspects of, of life, you know, being made to, uh, scrub the, 171 00:06:38,945 --> 00:06:40,765 the toilets, you know? 172 00:06:40,765 --> 00:06:43,285 Yes. Or, you know, you don't like cleaning the kitchen. 173 00:06:43,515 --> 00:06:46,005 Well, you know what? You're gonna get a punishment and, 174 00:06:46,005 --> 00:06:47,085 and you're gonna clean the kitchen. 175 00:06:47,425 --> 00:06:48,645 You know, and, 176 00:06:48,705 --> 00:06:51,205 and I think part of the thing is people tend to think well, 177 00:06:51,205 --> 00:06:52,845 you know, punishment and they, they 178 00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:55,685 group it into the kink lifestyle. 179 00:06:55,945 --> 00:06:57,965 But punishment can go a little bit beyond that. 180 00:06:57,965 --> 00:06:59,725 Just like the rewards can. Mm-Hmm. 181 00:06:59,765 --> 00:07:01,045 , you know, do you 182 00:07:01,675 --> 00:07:03,765 stop every day on your way to work for a coffee? 183 00:07:04,905 --> 00:07:06,805 You know, well, you know what? You've been bad today. 184 00:07:06,805 --> 00:07:09,685 You're not gonna get that coffee today. . Right. It's 185 00:07:09,765 --> 00:07:10,765 - A temp. 186 00:07:10,765 --> 00:07:12,485 In those cases, it's a temporary pain 187 00:07:12,485 --> 00:07:13,765 that's not gonna like Mm-Hmm. 188 00:07:13,805 --> 00:07:17,925 actually cause harm. That is an inconvenience. 189 00:07:17,985 --> 00:07:19,765 Or you get a minor disappointment, 190 00:07:20,465 --> 00:07:24,245 but it's enough that maybe the next time you did the thing 191 00:07:24,245 --> 00:07:25,725 that would get the punishment, you go, 192 00:07:25,725 --> 00:07:27,045 oh, I remember that feeling. 193 00:07:27,865 --> 00:07:32,845 Now, can punishment be kinky? Yes. 194 00:07:32,875 --> 00:07:35,685 Yeah. And it doesn't even have to be punishment, which is 195 00:07:35,685 --> 00:07:37,885 where, oh no, I'm pretending to do a bad thing 196 00:07:37,885 --> 00:07:39,005 to get a kinky activity. 197 00:07:39,825 --> 00:07:41,645 You can use kin as punishment, 198 00:07:41,645 --> 00:07:43,205 but I think you need to be careful. 199 00:07:43,525 --> 00:07:44,885 'cause one, it's easy to cross a line. 200 00:07:44,905 --> 00:07:48,125 Two, it's easy to tell yourself 201 00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:49,965 that you'll accept this punishment. 202 00:07:49,965 --> 00:07:51,045 Mm-Hmm. . But actually what you're doing 203 00:07:51,065 --> 00:07:52,485 is breaking your own boundaries. Right. 204 00:07:52,585 --> 00:07:54,445 - So, and you know, the thing you gotta think of with that, 205 00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:57,845 with with kink punishments, um, this one here. 206 00:07:58,265 --> 00:08:01,325 Hi. Hi, Kayla, um, is a masochist. Okay. 207 00:08:01,505 --> 00:08:04,965 So if I told her, you know, you, you, you did something that 208 00:08:04,965 --> 00:08:07,045 that's way outta line, you know, 209 00:08:07,045 --> 00:08:08,605 you're in trouble and you're gonna get punished. 210 00:08:09,105 --> 00:08:11,005 Um, if I were to tell her, well, you know, you're, 211 00:08:11,005 --> 00:08:12,085 you're getting a spanking, 212 00:08:12,085 --> 00:08:13,885 you're getting a paddling, you're getting a flogging. 213 00:08:14,715 --> 00:08:16,165 That is not a punishment to her. 214 00:08:17,145 --> 00:08:20,365 - No. 99.9% of the time, no. That will not be a punishment. 215 00:08:20,365 --> 00:08:24,685 - She's like, bring it on. Now if I were to say, okay, 216 00:08:24,985 --> 00:08:29,445 you have been mad and you are getting hit with a crop 217 00:08:29,545 --> 00:08:30,725 or a cane, right? 218 00:08:31,275 --> 00:08:32,445 That would be a punishment. 219 00:08:32,905 --> 00:08:34,045 - But now if you do that, 220 00:08:34,045 --> 00:08:35,925 and I was actually sitting here thinking, I was like, yeah, 221 00:08:35,945 --> 00:08:37,285 if you told me that you were gonna 222 00:08:37,315 --> 00:08:38,445 cane me, that's a punishment. 223 00:08:38,595 --> 00:08:39,965 Like, I can take one 224 00:08:39,965 --> 00:08:42,685 or two smacks of the cane as part of an overall scene. 225 00:08:42,685 --> 00:08:44,965 Mm-Hmm. . But if the scene is just caning 226 00:08:45,065 --> 00:08:49,365 or the caning is used as the punishment, uh, I'd have 227 00:08:49,365 --> 00:08:50,245 to take some time to think 228 00:08:50,245 --> 00:08:51,365 about if I can send to that or not. 229 00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:52,685 Yeah. And that's the thing I want you 230 00:08:52,685 --> 00:08:54,765 to think about when you're trying to decide. 231 00:08:54,965 --> 00:08:56,845 Mm-Hmm. certain kink activities 232 00:08:57,035 --> 00:09:01,085 that you do not really enjoy that much would be Right for 233 00:09:01,505 --> 00:09:02,965 as a punishment or a consequence. 234 00:09:03,115 --> 00:09:05,365 Because with, again, you don't want 235 00:09:05,365 --> 00:09:06,765 to cross your own hard limits. 236 00:09:06,775 --> 00:09:09,725 Right? Yeah. You also don't want to turn something 237 00:09:09,725 --> 00:09:13,485 that might one day be a thing you'd be willing to do 238 00:09:14,025 --> 00:09:16,605 and to do in a, a fun, um, 239 00:09:18,205 --> 00:09:20,885 positive way into something that you detest. 240 00:09:21,225 --> 00:09:25,085 If we decided that my punishments were cannings, 241 00:09:25,605 --> 00:09:27,205 I don't think, me personally, 242 00:09:27,405 --> 00:09:31,445 I could allow a cane into a scene beyond that, 243 00:09:31,625 --> 00:09:33,205 or I would need time for that. 244 00:09:33,465 --> 00:09:36,365 Or it would depend on how often I got caning. 245 00:09:36,365 --> 00:09:38,925 Like I'm thankfully Now, how would somebody 246 00:09:38,945 --> 00:09:41,565 who does not get dealt consequences very often? 247 00:09:41,805 --> 00:09:43,525 I work very hard at that. Okay. 248 00:09:43,805 --> 00:09:45,885 - , - I work very hard. She does to 249 00:09:45,885 --> 00:09:47,365 - Not get consequences. She does. Yeah. Give her that. 250 00:09:47,625 --> 00:09:52,525 - So could a once every few years caning still 251 00:09:52,795 --> 00:09:55,205 make it okay for a cane to be allowed in a scene? 252 00:09:55,205 --> 00:09:57,205 For me, probably . 253 00:09:57,385 --> 00:10:01,365 But if I was acting out left, right, and center , no. 254 00:10:01,495 --> 00:10:03,685 Eventually I'm gonna look at that cane as the enemy, 255 00:10:03,865 --> 00:10:08,525 or I'm going to become, um, so used to it desensitized. 256 00:10:08,695 --> 00:10:10,325 Right. It's less effective. Yeah. 257 00:10:10,545 --> 00:10:13,605 So yes, a lot of people like to, you know, I've see, uh, 258 00:10:13,775 --> 00:10:16,565 power exchange relationships where the, the sub 259 00:10:16,565 --> 00:10:19,045 or the bottom is like, I do not like spankings. 260 00:10:19,045 --> 00:10:20,685 Well, guess what they get as a punishment? Mm-Hmm. 261 00:10:20,725 --> 00:10:22,845 . Now you have to be able to consent to that 262 00:10:22,845 --> 00:10:25,045 with your whole, your whole ass and your whole heart. 263 00:10:25,045 --> 00:10:26,845 Right? Like, I can't be forced on you 264 00:10:26,845 --> 00:10:28,405 and it be healthy and okay. 265 00:10:29,025 --> 00:10:32,205 But I always like to caution folks that if you're 266 00:10:32,725 --> 00:10:35,165 crossing your own boundaries within a punishment, I think 267 00:10:35,165 --> 00:10:38,605 that can become toxic for you over time. 268 00:10:39,065 --> 00:10:41,525 So just be careful about that now. Mm-Hmm. 269 00:10:41,525 --> 00:10:43,525 For the person who's waited with baited breath, 270 00:10:43,525 --> 00:10:46,285 whether it's the original person who asked the question 271 00:10:46,285 --> 00:10:47,325 or somebody else for us 272 00:10:47,345 --> 00:10:50,485 to just throw out ideas, we don't like to do that. Right. 273 00:10:50,705 --> 00:10:52,805 - And that, that's something that I was just thinking about 274 00:10:52,805 --> 00:10:57,165 because, you know, we get asked a lot between the two of us. 275 00:10:57,705 --> 00:11:00,445 Um, you know, what can I do for punishment? Mm-Hmm. 276 00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:01,925 , you know, and, and, 277 00:11:02,025 --> 00:11:05,285 and it is a, a good, a good valid question, 278 00:11:06,185 --> 00:11:10,655 but it is hard to give an answer 279 00:11:11,035 --> 00:11:12,815 for that, a definitive answer. 280 00:11:12,915 --> 00:11:13,935 Mm-Hmm. . Okay. 281 00:11:13,935 --> 00:11:17,415 Because one person, one person's punishment 282 00:11:18,235 --> 00:11:19,415 is another person's punishment, 283 00:11:20,075 --> 00:11:21,575 - And one person's punishment 284 00:11:21,635 --> 00:11:22,855 is another person's hard limit. 285 00:11:22,875 --> 00:11:24,295 You're not doing that to me. 286 00:11:24,395 --> 00:11:25,775 I'm not consenting to that. Right? 287 00:11:26,275 --> 00:11:29,535 - Be punishments tend to be very personal. 288 00:11:29,595 --> 00:11:31,815 That's what makes them punishments. Alright. 289 00:11:31,885 --> 00:11:35,375 Like when we were long distance, um, one of the things, 290 00:11:35,375 --> 00:11:37,695 because she was always on Tumblr at that time, 291 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:41,415 like a few times, you know, okay, you're, you're, 292 00:11:41,415 --> 00:11:43,335 you're staying off Tumblr tonight, you know that Mm-Hmm. 293 00:11:43,375 --> 00:11:46,295 . Yeah. Right. So, you know, it, the, 294 00:11:46,315 --> 00:11:49,295 the punishment and even rewards are, are things 295 00:11:49,295 --> 00:11:51,455 that are very personal, you know? 296 00:11:51,675 --> 00:11:53,965 And also at the time, like, uh, 297 00:11:54,105 --> 00:11:55,925 we had a re reward chart for you. 298 00:11:55,925 --> 00:11:57,125 Mm-Hmm. at one point. 299 00:11:57,585 --> 00:11:59,325 And, and you had put things down and 300 00:11:59,325 --> 00:12:02,605 because you were walking a lot, you were exercising, uh, 301 00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:04,805 water bottle was one of your Right. Your 302 00:12:04,805 --> 00:12:05,805 - Requests. 303 00:12:05,805 --> 00:12:06,565 There was one I coveted 304 00:12:06,625 --> 00:12:07,765 and I have, I mean, 305 00:12:07,765 --> 00:12:08,845 I currently still have like 306 00:12:08,985 --> 00:12:10,965 85 million water bottles . 307 00:12:10,985 --> 00:12:13,325 And Jamie was like, we don't need this right now. 308 00:12:13,385 --> 00:12:15,085 You don't, you don't need this today. 309 00:12:15,085 --> 00:12:16,205 And even I was like, I don't need, 310 00:12:16,245 --> 00:12:17,605 I want it, but I don't need it today. 311 00:12:17,605 --> 00:12:20,365 Yeah. So then I was willing to work towards it. 312 00:12:20,525 --> 00:12:22,365 'cause I, I really wanted it . 313 00:12:22,365 --> 00:12:23,405 Uh, I wanted to earn it. 314 00:12:23,585 --> 00:12:25,925 So it, it, again, it goes back to the very beginning. 315 00:12:26,275 --> 00:12:30,045 What are the punishments and rewards meant to do for you 316 00:12:30,305 --> 00:12:31,445 and in your power exchange? 317 00:12:31,445 --> 00:12:34,285 Mm-Hmm. . From there, you can then start kind 318 00:12:34,285 --> 00:12:37,485 of figuring out what do I, what do I really want 319 00:12:37,485 --> 00:12:38,605 that maybe I don't get a lot of. 320 00:12:38,705 --> 00:12:41,365 That's, that can be a really, uh, satisfying reward 321 00:12:41,365 --> 00:12:42,685 that could be kinky or vanilla. 322 00:12:42,705 --> 00:12:45,045 It doesn't matter. Um, with consequences. 323 00:12:45,225 --> 00:12:48,645 It comes down to what would I dread, what would I try 324 00:12:48,645 --> 00:12:52,525 to avoid, but I would still consent to Mm-Hmm. 325 00:12:52,565 --> 00:12:54,925 . Now I can tell you some common ones we 326 00:12:54,925 --> 00:12:56,085 already mentioned corner time. 327 00:12:56,155 --> 00:12:58,965 Yeah. And writing lines. Those tend to be fairly common 328 00:12:59,065 --> 00:13:00,805 for caregiver little dynamics. 329 00:13:00,805 --> 00:13:01,925 Mm-Hmm. . But not, not 330 00:13:01,925 --> 00:13:03,125 necessarily anybody can use that. 331 00:13:03,625 --> 00:13:06,925 Um, I was once threatened with having 332 00:13:07,145 --> 00:13:10,805 to eat something spicy, not by jb, by a former dom 333 00:13:10,805 --> 00:13:12,165 because I was running my mouth. 334 00:13:12,345 --> 00:13:14,645 Uh, I've made sure not to have to do that. 335 00:13:15,145 --> 00:13:18,485 Uh, JB has, uh, withdrawn treats and privileges. Yeah. 336 00:13:18,555 --> 00:13:19,645 That can be a punishment. 337 00:13:20,115 --> 00:13:23,525 Rewards deeply personal, uh, earned goodies. 338 00:13:23,525 --> 00:13:24,725 We did a star chart. 339 00:13:25,115 --> 00:13:27,485 Just seeing the little gold star was enough for me. 340 00:13:27,485 --> 00:13:29,005 Sometimes , you know? Yeah. 341 00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,245 Um, or as a, as a treat 342 00:13:31,245 --> 00:13:32,965 or a reward, I may get a scene 343 00:13:32,975 --> 00:13:35,605 where it's all about the stuff I love 344 00:13:35,635 --> 00:13:36,925 that JB is willing to do. 345 00:13:36,925 --> 00:13:38,605 Yeah. He doesn't cross his own boundaries. Right. 346 00:13:38,625 --> 00:13:40,165 But like, when we do an impact scene, 347 00:13:40,165 --> 00:13:42,765 there's gonna be a stinging pain, a burning pain, 348 00:13:43,285 --> 00:13:46,645 a sensation that makes me like go, no, I . 349 00:13:46,755 --> 00:13:50,125 Whereas I would prefer like the deep tissue massage 350 00:13:50,185 --> 00:13:51,445 of a thud sensation. 351 00:13:51,555 --> 00:13:53,485 Well, as a reward, I might get that. 352 00:13:53,745 --> 00:13:57,685 So, you know, we can't tell you what punishments should be. 353 00:13:57,705 --> 00:13:59,125 We cannot tell you what rewards should be. 354 00:13:59,385 --> 00:14:02,485 We can only tell you how to go about trying to figure out 355 00:14:02,485 --> 00:14:03,485 - Fine, figure it out. 356 00:14:03,485 --> 00:14:04,325 - What works for you. Yeah. 357 00:14:04,665 --> 00:14:06,285 Um, and sometimes you're, you know, 358 00:14:06,365 --> 00:14:07,445 I see, you know, I get it. 359 00:14:07,445 --> 00:14:09,605 Your, your job's like, right, 10 of these down 360 00:14:09,605 --> 00:14:12,325 and 10 of those down, and you might get to five and four 361 00:14:12,905 --> 00:14:14,525 and your mind might go blank. 362 00:14:15,275 --> 00:14:18,405 Hopefully within your dynamic, the effort is gonna be 363 00:14:18,715 --> 00:14:19,765 what was rewarded. 364 00:14:19,785 --> 00:14:22,565 And you're not gonna, you know, air quote get in trouble 365 00:14:22,565 --> 00:14:26,445 because you didn't do it to the letter of the, of the task. 366 00:14:26,445 --> 00:14:28,565 Right? Mm-Hmm. , it's about sitting 367 00:14:28,565 --> 00:14:30,685 with yourself a little bit, um, 368 00:14:30,705 --> 00:14:31,965 and thinking about what you really like 369 00:14:31,965 --> 00:14:32,965 and what you don't really like 370 00:14:33,225 --> 00:14:34,645 and why the thing is happening. 371 00:14:34,645 --> 00:14:37,325 And then having the conversation with your partner to say, 372 00:14:37,545 --> 00:14:38,845 here's some things I thought of. 373 00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:42,645 Because when the more mind you get on a topic, 374 00:14:42,865 --> 00:14:44,845 the more ideas will flow. 375 00:14:45,265 --> 00:14:48,685 So you might come up with one idea for a reward, 376 00:14:48,705 --> 00:14:51,525 but in the explaining of why this is a reward 377 00:14:51,585 --> 00:14:55,085 to your partner, your partner might go, oh, if this kind 378 00:14:55,085 --> 00:14:56,285 of thing is a reward for you, 379 00:14:56,315 --> 00:14:57,885 what about this, this, this, and this? 380 00:14:58,105 --> 00:15:00,085 And you might go, I never thought of that. 381 00:15:00,585 --> 00:15:05,125 So put what you can down as ideas, bring it 382 00:15:05,125 --> 00:15:07,365 to your partner, and then have the conversation there. 383 00:15:07,625 --> 00:15:09,605 And it may, it may grow from there. Mm-Hmm. . 384 00:15:09,945 --> 00:15:12,325 Um, but yeah, it's all deeply personal. Yeah. 385 00:15:12,705 --> 00:15:14,285 You know, if it's gonna be effective, 386 00:15:14,465 --> 00:15:15,485 it needs to be personal. 387 00:15:15,485 --> 00:15:18,885 Correct. Mm-Hmm. . Um, yeah. 388 00:15:19,265 --> 00:15:24,165 So I think that is it for that, thanks 389 00:15:24,165 --> 00:15:25,965 for listening to this week's q and a episode. 390 00:15:26,025 --> 00:15:27,645 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 391 00:15:27,835 --> 00:15:31,085 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, 392 00:15:31,265 --> 00:15:32,885 or you can find the link in the show notes. 393 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:35,765 Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon, 394 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,165 we're able to do this podcast and keep it going 395 00:15:38,165 --> 00:15:40,005 and help Sters due to your support. 396 00:15:40,425 --> 00:15:42,005 If you'd like to be part of our community 397 00:15:42,005 --> 00:15:43,245 and get access to extra content 398 00:15:43,305 --> 00:15:45,405 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 399 00:15:45,405 --> 00:15:47,205 super nice kinks, you can do that. 400 00:15:47,395 --> 00:15:49,925 Just join us at patreon.com/kloss. 401 00:15:49,945 --> 00:15:53,965 That's patreon.com/klos. Or use the link in the show notes.