1 00:00:10,465 --> 00:00:12,125 - You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast, 2 00:00:12,275 --> 00:00:13,685 episode 3 93. 3 00:00:13,755 --> 00:00:15,845 Okay. The Lord's here with the one, the only, the 4 00:00:16,705 --> 00:00:17,925 you doing okay over there? 5 00:00:18,385 --> 00:00:19,805 JB, you need, you need some more coffee? 6 00:00:19,865 --> 00:00:21,205 Is that what you need? You need some more 7 00:00:21,205 --> 00:00:22,405 coffee, don't you, John Brownstone. 8 00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:23,565 - I need, I need something. I 9 00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:24,525 don't know what it is though. I, 10 00:00:24,585 --> 00:00:25,885 - We, we might need to get into harder 11 00:00:25,885 --> 00:00:27,045 stuff than coffee. 12 00:00:27,855 --> 00:00:29,565 - Irish coffee. Yeah. Ooh. 13 00:00:30,065 --> 00:00:32,085 - You know, I, I mean, this would not make an Irish coffee, 14 00:00:32,105 --> 00:00:33,605 but I believe we still have some vodka 15 00:00:33,705 --> 00:00:34,765 in a cabinet somewhere. 16 00:00:35,345 --> 00:00:37,645 I'm, I'm not above spiking my own drink. 17 00:00:38,585 --> 00:00:42,645 - Do we have, I think Irish cream still? Or kaa? I don't. 18 00:00:42,785 --> 00:00:44,645 - Oh, I think we might have Kaa . 19 00:00:45,715 --> 00:00:46,725 - Okay. Anyway. - Okay. 20 00:00:46,875 --> 00:00:50,365 It's not what we're here for, but, uh, we record this intro 21 00:00:50,995 --> 00:00:53,885 well in advance, uh, like good 30, 45 minutes 22 00:00:53,905 --> 00:00:55,365 before recording the episode. 23 00:00:55,465 --> 00:00:59,205 So if we seem a lot more relaxed when the episode 24 00:00:59,205 --> 00:01:01,045 - Starts, you'll know. it. 25 00:01:01,145 --> 00:01:03,205 - It might have gotten a little boozy over here as long. 26 00:01:03,205 --> 00:01:04,645 - I'm like, - . 27 00:01:05,345 --> 00:01:07,485 Uh, we are, that's none of what we're talking about. Nope. 28 00:01:07,485 --> 00:01:09,965 This week we're doing A-B-D-S-M Reddit response. 29 00:01:10,625 --> 00:01:14,725 Um, I don't know if I'll rant, 30 00:01:14,785 --> 00:01:16,325 but I can never promise that. 31 00:01:16,325 --> 00:01:18,165 Mm-Hmm. . So we'll find out together. 32 00:01:18,345 --> 00:01:19,645 - Who never knows? Does one? Yeah, 33 00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:20,705 - No, never know. 34 00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:22,245 And it'll just happen. Maybe if I had something 35 00:01:22,245 --> 00:01:23,445 to drink, I spike my coffee. 36 00:01:23,665 --> 00:01:27,245 Oh, there would definitely be some rants ahead. . 37 00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:29,245 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. 38 00:01:29,665 --> 00:01:31,605 If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. 39 00:01:31,605 --> 00:01:33,325 And yeah, it's pretty much like this all the time. 40 00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:35,245 If you're back for another week, welcome back. 41 00:01:35,245 --> 00:01:37,085 Loving BDSM is produced every Monday 42 00:01:37,105 --> 00:01:38,965 and Friday for your kinky pleasure in education. 43 00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:41,245 And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net. 44 00:01:41,515 --> 00:01:43,165 Come back often and feel free to add the podcast 45 00:01:43,265 --> 00:01:44,605 to your favorite podcast app. 46 00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:47,925 You can also follow the show on FetLife at Loving BDSM PC 47 00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:50,365 that stands for podcast Y'all on Instagram 48 00:01:50,385 --> 00:01:53,685 and threads at that, uh, handle I will forever fucking Hate 49 00:01:53,715 --> 00:01:57,045 with the passion of a million fucking sons, uh, 50 00:01:57,145 --> 00:01:58,725 loving Ds and the number one. 51 00:01:58,745 --> 00:02:00,605 So that's at Loving DS one. 52 00:02:00,785 --> 00:02:03,325 Or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving 53 00:02:03,675 --> 00:02:04,765 bdsm, where you can watch us live. 54 00:02:04,765 --> 00:02:06,085 Stream the podcast every Wednesday, 55 00:02:06,265 --> 00:02:07,325 all links during the show notes. 56 00:02:07,885 --> 00:02:10,445 A big thanks as always to our Kinky Patrons over on Patreon, 57 00:02:10,445 --> 00:02:11,525 including our newest peeps. 58 00:02:11,575 --> 00:02:13,885 We're able to keep being weirdos on the internet 59 00:02:14,195 --> 00:02:15,965 because of our kinky patrons, 60 00:02:16,025 --> 00:02:18,245 and we are grateful for every fucking one of you. 61 00:02:18,385 --> 00:02:20,725 We are. If you'd like to join our kinky community 62 00:02:20,725 --> 00:02:22,245 and get access to extra content, 63 00:02:22,385 --> 00:02:25,125 we just recorded a very silly video today, , uh, 64 00:02:25,185 --> 00:02:27,565 and a discord server with a group of super cool, 65 00:02:27,565 --> 00:02:28,605 super nice kinks. 66 00:02:28,665 --> 00:02:32,685 You can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. 67 00:02:32,825 --> 00:02:36,205 That's patreon.com/kayla lords. 68 00:02:36,225 --> 00:02:37,725 Or use the link in the show notes. 69 00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:39,485 You can do whatever you want with that button. 70 00:02:39,505 --> 00:02:41,805 You're the daddy. That's how this works. 71 00:02:42,085 --> 00:02:44,805 I mean, not whatever with the button's consent, 72 00:02:46,465 --> 00:02:48,525 but the button is also not sentt. 73 00:02:48,665 --> 00:02:51,045 So can the button consent at all? 74 00:02:51,395 --> 00:02:53,605 - Well, if the button says, click me, 75 00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:56,725 then that then is 76 00:02:56,725 --> 00:02:57,725 - The - Button is, is that 77 00:02:57,985 --> 00:02:58,985 - The top? 78 00:03:00,385 --> 00:03:03,765 The button told you to click it and you clicked 79 00:03:03,765 --> 00:03:04,765 - It. 80 00:03:04,765 --> 00:03:05,205 Well, either, either way 81 00:03:05,475 --> 00:03:07,885 that means the button consented to being clicked. 82 00:03:07,885 --> 00:03:09,085 - True. True. But now I need 83 00:03:09,085 --> 00:03:10,605 to figure out its role in all of this. 84 00:03:10,635 --> 00:03:13,365 Yeah. Ah, okay. Anyway, . Anyway, 85 00:03:14,265 --> 00:03:16,805 - You ponder that and get back to us about it. Okay. 86 00:03:16,805 --> 00:03:18,445 - You don't want me lost in thought, . 87 00:03:18,555 --> 00:03:22,045 This will be a very strange episode either way, 88 00:03:22,105 --> 00:03:24,405 but stranger than usual, if you let me go off. 89 00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:26,285 Lost in thought. Okay. 90 00:03:26,505 --> 00:03:29,605 So before we get into the, the wild 91 00:03:29,605 --> 00:03:32,125 and wacky part of, uh, Reddit, 92 00:03:32,125 --> 00:03:34,045 that is the BDSM advice subreddit. 93 00:03:34,425 --> 00:03:35,845 Um, is this a moment? 94 00:03:36,085 --> 00:03:40,565 I forgot to check the BDSM on the asshole, uh, subreddit run 95 00:03:40,625 --> 00:03:42,965 by rah of the Pink Kink Podcast. 96 00:03:43,185 --> 00:03:47,045 Yes, I did. So sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm so sorry. 97 00:03:47,085 --> 00:03:51,245 I was tired last night. Anyway, off, off topic already. Um, 98 00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:52,665 - Didn't take long. 99 00:03:52,965 --> 00:03:55,965 - I know. I did an announcement, a reminder 100 00:03:55,965 --> 00:03:57,645 that we have an Etsy shop where all kinds 101 00:03:57,645 --> 00:03:59,365 of things can be found currently. 102 00:03:59,565 --> 00:04:03,885 I just added a new shirt design that's personalizable. 103 00:04:04,265 --> 00:04:07,285 So I put examples up so people could see 104 00:04:07,285 --> 00:04:09,125 what it could look like, but it could literally 105 00:04:09,825 --> 00:04:11,405 be whatever works for you. 106 00:04:11,955 --> 00:04:13,605 It's a collegiate style. 107 00:04:13,705 --> 00:04:14,885 So the lettering that's like, 108 00:04:14,915 --> 00:04:16,565 that looks like a college or a school, right? 109 00:04:16,595 --> 00:04:19,085 Yeah. And it's your title or your label, 110 00:04:19,225 --> 00:04:21,525 and then it says established and you give the year. 111 00:04:21,865 --> 00:04:26,325 So like, mine would say submissive established 1979. 112 00:04:26,445 --> 00:04:27,725 'cause that's the year I was born. If anybody thinks 113 00:04:27,725 --> 00:04:29,325 that's old, you shut your face right now. 114 00:04:29,325 --> 00:04:31,045 It's not old. Um, . 115 00:04:32,145 --> 00:04:35,325 But it could also be the year that you figured out 116 00:04:35,325 --> 00:04:36,565 that title for yourself. 117 00:04:36,635 --> 00:04:39,325 Like it could be like established 2012. 118 00:04:39,525 --> 00:04:40,725 'cause that's when you figured out, that's when 119 00:04:40,725 --> 00:04:41,845 I figured out I was submissive. 120 00:04:41,845 --> 00:04:45,165 Right. , um, bra pet, master Mistress, 121 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,285 whatever your title or label, it's personalizable 122 00:04:47,545 --> 00:04:50,805 and it's, uh, available in 10 different colored shirts. 123 00:04:51,025 --> 00:04:54,085 So, uh, are there two purple to choose from? 124 00:04:54,105 --> 00:04:55,685 Of course, two pink, of course to choose from. 125 00:04:55,985 --> 00:04:57,325 Two blue to choose from. Yes. 126 00:04:57,325 --> 00:04:59,045 But there is also a deep red that's very pretty. 127 00:04:59,665 --> 00:05:02,845 Uh, and then other colors, but that link is in the places. 128 00:05:03,145 --> 00:05:05,365 Um, I'm very, I've had that sitting there going, 129 00:05:05,525 --> 00:05:06,845 I should really like put that out 130 00:05:06,865 --> 00:05:09,205 so people could buy it if they wanted, uh, 131 00:05:09,485 --> 00:05:11,205 for three months. 132 00:05:11,425 --> 00:05:12,525 So I finally did it. 133 00:05:13,385 --> 00:05:17,485 Um, so there is that, if 134 00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:18,565 that is not to your liking. 135 00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:20,165 Favorite our store. 'cause I have other 136 00:05:20,565 --> 00:05:22,485 personalizable ideas. 137 00:05:22,845 --> 00:05:24,965 I just haven't gotten that far yet. So 138 00:05:25,695 --> 00:05:26,765 - Y'all are youngsters. 139 00:05:27,305 --> 00:05:29,325 - Oh, everybody in the live chat's thrown out years 140 00:05:29,425 --> 00:05:30,845 and you're like, oh, can I, 141 00:05:30,945 --> 00:05:32,525 you could tell them. I could tell them. Yeah. 142 00:05:33,215 --> 00:05:35,885 - 61. - Yeah. Somebody out there is older than that. 143 00:05:35,895 --> 00:05:36,925 Don't worry, you're not alone. 144 00:05:37,865 --> 00:05:40,125 Um, so 145 00:05:41,635 --> 00:05:43,045 yeah, that is the thing. 146 00:05:43,105 --> 00:05:44,485 New shirt design. I'm very proud of it. 147 00:05:44,965 --> 00:05:47,165 I can't wait to see what titles 148 00:05:47,165 --> 00:05:50,685 and years people put in when they purchase it. 149 00:05:50,685 --> 00:05:51,925 Mm-Hmm. . Because I 150 00:05:51,925 --> 00:05:53,005 think that's gonna be very interesting. 151 00:05:53,625 --> 00:05:56,325 Um, so yeah, that's the announcement. 152 00:05:56,745 --> 00:05:59,925 Um, we were asked a question in the live stream then I'm 153 00:05:59,925 --> 00:06:01,245 gonna answer now 'cause I will forget. 154 00:06:01,305 --> 00:06:02,965 Uh, Mr. Fisher asked when the last time was, 155 00:06:02,965 --> 00:06:04,285 we checked her PO box last week. 156 00:06:04,635 --> 00:06:06,165 I'll be checking it again next Monday. 157 00:06:06,785 --> 00:06:08,405 So there, that was the que And, 158 00:06:08,425 --> 00:06:10,005 and for anybody didn't know, we have a PO Box. 159 00:06:10,145 --> 00:06:13,525 Um, I try to keep the address around and Yeah. 160 00:06:13,525 --> 00:06:15,525 Now the live chat is just everybody's year. . Yeah. 161 00:06:16,965 --> 00:06:17,965 I like that. Okay. 162 00:06:18,955 --> 00:06:20,685 - Yeah, so far I've got the, uh, 163 00:06:22,145 --> 00:06:23,365 - Of the years being shared. 164 00:06:23,435 --> 00:06:25,405 Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure somebody listening the 165 00:06:25,405 --> 00:06:26,525 podcast is like, Nope. 166 00:06:26,575 --> 00:06:31,085 Older than born before 1961. Okay, so let's get into these. 167 00:06:31,215 --> 00:06:36,165 Let's, let's find out if, uh, I'm gonna rant today. Okay. 168 00:06:36,165 --> 00:06:37,765 This one makes me a little sad 169 00:06:37,785 --> 00:06:39,885 and could be a very interesting conversation. 170 00:06:40,885 --> 00:06:42,285 J hasn't seen any 171 00:06:42,285 --> 00:06:43,285 - Of these. 172 00:06:43,285 --> 00:06:44,045 No, I haven't. I just, and he's 173 00:06:44,045 --> 00:06:45,045 - Looking at it now. 174 00:06:45,045 --> 00:06:48,005 , hold on. I want us to be sensitive on this one. 175 00:06:48,155 --> 00:06:49,725 - Okay. All all right. Alright. 176 00:06:50,335 --> 00:06:55,045 - Title says, I have a spanking fetish, but a terrible ass. 177 00:06:55,555 --> 00:06:56,605 What are my options? 178 00:06:57,545 --> 00:07:00,405 So I enjoy light domestic discipline and DDLG. 179 00:07:00,405 --> 00:07:01,845 Nothing gets me going, uh, 180 00:07:01,915 --> 00:07:03,805 more than bending over a man's knee. 181 00:07:04,395 --> 00:07:08,205 Problem is that my ass is terrible, flat, square, 182 00:07:08,615 --> 00:07:09,645 hairy, pimply. 183 00:07:10,345 --> 00:07:12,765 I'm trying my best to fix it in any way I can. 184 00:07:12,825 --> 00:07:14,925 But in the meantime, are there men 185 00:07:14,925 --> 00:07:17,245 that would enjoy spanking an ugly ass? 186 00:07:17,795 --> 00:07:20,085 Most of the guys I meet say they love spanking, 187 00:07:20,085 --> 00:07:23,165 and then clothes come off and they visibly grimace. 188 00:07:23,545 --> 00:07:27,125 And when I ask for, uh, spanking, most avoid answering, 189 00:07:27,725 --> 00:07:29,485 I asked a guy directly about it 190 00:07:29,705 --> 00:07:32,125 and he said a huge part of spanking 191 00:07:32,125 --> 00:07:35,525 for men is the attractiveness of the ass round, 192 00:07:35,635 --> 00:07:36,925 soft, thick, bouncy. 193 00:07:37,385 --> 00:07:39,045 He said that it'd be hard for a men 194 00:07:39,045 --> 00:07:40,845 to ever enjoy spanking my ass. 195 00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:43,525 Is this true? I would like to pinch this man's head. 196 00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:45,165 - Same. Just pinch it - Off. Yep. 197 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:48,085 Because are there people who have a visual preference? 198 00:07:48,785 --> 00:07:50,005 Of course there are. Yeah. 199 00:07:50,225 --> 00:07:54,045 But no man will ever spank your ass because I find it ugly. 200 00:07:54,215 --> 00:07:57,125 Right. Is like gross. Yeah, it is gross. 201 00:07:57,225 --> 00:07:59,845 - Um, you asked the wrong person. Yeah, you did. Okay. 202 00:07:59,875 --> 00:08:01,845 Yeah, you did. You asked the wrong person. 203 00:08:02,985 --> 00:08:06,485 So, you know, um, 204 00:08:07,825 --> 00:08:11,685 for me it's, you know, just gimme an ass to spank. 205 00:08:12,445 --> 00:08:14,645 - I, I know what my ass looks like now. 206 00:08:14,685 --> 00:08:16,645 I don't have like anything oozing on it, 207 00:08:16,745 --> 00:08:19,645 but it ain't, you know, it ain't a 20 year old's ass. 208 00:08:19,825 --> 00:08:21,845 Mm-Hmm. . I haven't been to the Waxer in a hot 209 00:08:21,845 --> 00:08:24,805 minute, so it's not, you know, peach fuzz back there. 210 00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:26,125 My people are so worthy people. 211 00:08:26,785 --> 00:08:30,525 Um, and you have got no problem coming at my 212 00:08:30,585 --> 00:08:31,585 - Ass. 213 00:08:31,585 --> 00:08:31,865 No, I don't. 214 00:08:33,925 --> 00:08:35,005 - I worry for this person 215 00:08:35,005 --> 00:08:38,205 because they are describing their ass as terrible. 216 00:08:38,415 --> 00:08:41,445 Right? Is that because they looked at it 217 00:08:41,445 --> 00:08:42,605 one day and went, oh no. 218 00:08:42,665 --> 00:08:46,565 Or is it because some or many assholes went, no, thank you. 219 00:08:47,345 --> 00:08:49,245 Now, if they're, so 220 00:08:51,085 --> 00:08:53,765 I don't wanna cast dispersions on a person's butt 221 00:08:53,905 --> 00:08:56,125 who I have never seen, will never see, 222 00:08:56,225 --> 00:08:59,765 and also have my own personal preferences in life. 223 00:09:00,505 --> 00:09:01,765 But all I could think is when, 224 00:09:01,765 --> 00:09:06,085 when somebody says it's pimply, okay, are we talking oozing? 225 00:09:06,275 --> 00:09:07,605 Like are we talking open source? 226 00:09:07,825 --> 00:09:08,885 That's a medical issue 227 00:09:08,885 --> 00:09:11,565 and I would beg you to please go get that checked out. 228 00:09:12,505 --> 00:09:16,645 Um, are we talking like any human being can have like on 229 00:09:16,645 --> 00:09:20,125 your back or on your face, like just a zit here and there? 230 00:09:20,195 --> 00:09:25,005 Yeah. You know, if it bothers you personally as the, the one 231 00:09:25,005 --> 00:09:28,365 who owns the ass, like maybe look into, you know, 232 00:09:28,365 --> 00:09:30,005 special soaps or whatever, whatever. 233 00:09:30,185 --> 00:09:33,125 Go to a dermatologist if that's available to you. Sure. 234 00:09:33,665 --> 00:09:37,165 Um, if the hair bothers you personally, uh, 235 00:09:37,565 --> 00:09:40,205 a good waxer is the best money you can ever pay for, 236 00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:41,205 in my personal opinion. 237 00:09:41,865 --> 00:09:45,485 Uh, and I love my waxer and I miss her terribly. Hmm. 238 00:09:45,745 --> 00:09:48,685 Um, but before I ever waxed, 239 00:09:48,685 --> 00:09:52,085 and now that I'm back to being quite swar in some places, 240 00:09:52,745 --> 00:09:54,405 uh, I still got somebody who's like, 241 00:09:54,405 --> 00:09:55,525 no, no, back that ass up. 242 00:09:55,685 --> 00:09:57,005 I would like to put my hands on it. 243 00:09:57,145 --> 00:10:00,965 And other bits and pieces, this person has been 244 00:10:00,965 --> 00:10:04,605 around the absolute not right for them partners. 245 00:10:04,615 --> 00:10:05,615 Right. 246 00:10:05,985 --> 00:10:09,085 - And yet, you know, I can understand how, how they, 247 00:10:09,905 --> 00:10:11,085 how they feel about that. 248 00:10:11,625 --> 00:10:15,285 Um, when I was younger, um, 249 00:10:16,385 --> 00:10:18,765 at the time, several over the course of time, 250 00:10:18,825 --> 00:10:21,485 not at the same time at that, um, people 251 00:10:21,485 --> 00:10:23,605 that I were interested in were like, oh, no, 252 00:10:23,685 --> 00:10:24,965 I could never go out with you. 253 00:10:24,985 --> 00:10:26,365 You were too hairy. 254 00:10:27,355 --> 00:10:30,245 - Yeah. - You have too much body hair. Mm-Hmm. 255 00:10:30,285 --> 00:10:32,165 - . It's like, well, thank you 256 00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,685 for making sure I knew about your personal preference. 257 00:10:34,785 --> 00:10:37,565 Mm-Hmm. in the most like, hurtful way. Yeah. 258 00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:40,405 Thanks. Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. So I get it. 259 00:10:40,405 --> 00:10:42,085 People get to have their preferences. Sure. 260 00:10:42,185 --> 00:10:45,165 And there are absolutely people out there who care more 261 00:10:45,165 --> 00:10:46,525 for the visual than anything. 262 00:10:46,585 --> 00:10:50,405 Now sometimes it's a legit preference and sometimes it's 263 00:10:50,565 --> 00:10:53,285 'cause it's 264 00:10:53,405 --> 00:10:54,805 'cause of issues where I don't wanna insult people. 265 00:10:54,925 --> 00:10:57,925 I don't know. This is where I kind of go back to 266 00:10:58,065 --> 00:10:59,805 and I'm, I'm, I guess I'm just not built 267 00:10:59,805 --> 00:11:00,925 for anything casual ever. 268 00:11:01,235 --> 00:11:03,765 Because when it's a casual hookup 269 00:11:03,825 --> 00:11:07,445 or a casual play partner, I feel like it, 270 00:11:08,115 --> 00:11:11,205 from observation, it looks like it's way easier for them 271 00:11:11,265 --> 00:11:15,285 to sort of like narrow you down to your bits and pieces 272 00:11:15,585 --> 00:11:17,525 and to, and then you know, oh, 273 00:11:17,705 --> 00:11:19,725 you have this thing I don't like, so 274 00:11:19,725 --> 00:11:21,085 therefore I don't like any of you. 275 00:11:21,115 --> 00:11:24,245 Okay, fine. But when you're genuine friends with a person, 276 00:11:24,585 --> 00:11:26,765 you care about them as a human being. 277 00:11:27,705 --> 00:11:30,645 Either you don't even notice that and it doesn't matter. 278 00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:33,645 Or you go, okay, yeah, I'm not used to this. 279 00:11:33,665 --> 00:11:34,765 And then you get used to it and 280 00:11:34,765 --> 00:11:35,805 you go, yeah, but this is who they are. 281 00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:37,165 And again, and then it doesn't matter. 282 00:11:37,505 --> 00:11:40,045 And I just am like, I, 283 00:11:40,245 --> 00:11:42,765 I wish this person could had said, 284 00:11:43,115 --> 00:11:45,085 I've always thought my asses like this. 285 00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:47,045 Or I've had enough 286 00:11:48,235 --> 00:11:50,925 shallow people tell me my a is like this. 287 00:11:50,925 --> 00:11:53,165 And now I think it, because that to me is the mm-Hmm. 288 00:11:53,245 --> 00:11:56,405 the difference if, I mean, there are plenty, 289 00:11:57,065 --> 00:12:00,125 plenty of people with what they might describe as a flat ass 290 00:12:00,125 --> 00:12:01,965 that get it spanked, left, right, and center. 291 00:12:02,845 --> 00:12:05,685 I will respect a person's personal preferences 292 00:12:05,825 --> 00:12:09,045 and also be very unimpressed with anybody who's like, oh, 293 00:12:09,045 --> 00:12:11,925 I only wanna spank an ass that jiggles in an exact way 294 00:12:12,185 --> 00:12:14,445 and has an exact what circumference. 295 00:12:14,475 --> 00:12:17,245 Like what, what Then you only wanna smack a 296 00:12:17,245 --> 00:12:18,645 very specific type of human being. 297 00:12:19,065 --> 00:12:21,725 And not all of those people want to be spanked by you. 298 00:12:21,865 --> 00:12:24,605 So I guess you've just limited your own options. Yeah. 299 00:12:26,625 --> 00:12:29,005 And, and it is a, a hard line to walk 300 00:12:29,005 --> 00:12:31,845 because personal preferences get to exist. 301 00:12:31,945 --> 00:12:34,085 You get to like what you like and dislike what you dislike. 302 00:12:34,405 --> 00:12:37,045 I think the difference is between the inside thoughts 303 00:12:37,045 --> 00:12:38,645 that maybe are judgy Mm-Hmm. 304 00:12:38,685 --> 00:12:40,005 and what we say out loud and 305 00:12:40,005 --> 00:12:41,045 being insulting to a person. 306 00:12:41,255 --> 00:12:44,285 Right. You know, it, 307 00:12:44,395 --> 00:12:46,405 it's, yeah. 308 00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:50,885 And I also kind of, kind 309 00:12:50,885 --> 00:12:53,285 of wonder if it's like these people 310 00:12:53,305 --> 00:12:55,005 who are telling this person this, 311 00:12:55,005 --> 00:12:57,365 they only wanna smack a certain kind of ass. 312 00:12:57,905 --> 00:13:00,245 How many asses have they actually smacked in real life? 313 00:13:00,245 --> 00:13:02,285 Mm-Hmm. . And also I think somebody's mentioned 314 00:13:02,285 --> 00:13:03,805 it, um, in the live chat. 315 00:13:04,025 --> 00:13:07,005 Uh, are they only going after a specific age of person 316 00:13:07,345 --> 00:13:08,485 or size of person? 317 00:13:08,865 --> 00:13:11,485 Or like, all like, I mean, I'm already 318 00:13:12,195 --> 00:13:13,725 less than impressed with those folks. 319 00:13:13,735 --> 00:13:15,365 There will be somebody that wants 320 00:13:15,385 --> 00:13:16,725 to smack that person's ass. 321 00:13:16,725 --> 00:13:19,405 Mm-Hmm. , you know, maybe the selection process 322 00:13:19,665 --> 00:13:22,205 for how they find a partner needs to shift a bit. 323 00:13:22,205 --> 00:13:23,285 Maybe they need to, to, 324 00:13:23,705 --> 00:13:25,805 to go look in a different pool of people. 325 00:13:26,245 --> 00:13:28,205 I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. 326 00:13:28,585 --> 00:13:32,245 But good, I mean, I, I'm, I think back 327 00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,605 to when I was in my twenties 328 00:13:34,025 --> 00:13:36,005 and much more insecure than I 329 00:13:36,005 --> 00:13:37,045 was in my thirties and forties. 330 00:13:37,505 --> 00:13:39,085 Not that I'm fully secure now, 331 00:13:39,105 --> 00:13:40,365 but I'm much better than I was. 332 00:13:41,165 --> 00:13:42,605 I if I, I, 333 00:13:42,885 --> 00:13:44,885 I probably would've struggled if I had known I 334 00:13:44,885 --> 00:13:45,965 was into spanking in my twenties. 335 00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:48,885 'cause I was very conscientious about my body. 336 00:13:49,555 --> 00:13:53,285 What that ended up sometimes meaning in my like late 337 00:13:53,285 --> 00:13:54,485 teens when I was a legal adult. 338 00:13:54,545 --> 00:13:57,205 But like, you know, 18, 19, 20 339 00:13:58,065 --> 00:14:01,405 was I would pick the absolute most garbage people 340 00:14:02,115 --> 00:14:04,925 because I thought I couldn't do any better. 341 00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:08,005 And then they would treat me badly and say bad things. 342 00:14:08,745 --> 00:14:12,605 And my self-esteem was still in the fucking tank worse than 343 00:14:12,605 --> 00:14:15,085 it was on my own without their help. 344 00:14:15,345 --> 00:14:19,125 And so I'm just like, you know, I'm kind 345 00:14:19,125 --> 00:14:20,805 of glad I wasn't into spanking at that age 346 00:14:20,805 --> 00:14:23,485 because I don't know if I would've bared my ass either 347 00:14:23,625 --> 00:14:26,765 or if I had gotten one insult from some dumb ass 348 00:14:26,765 --> 00:14:28,365 who was not worth my time and attention. 349 00:14:28,465 --> 00:14:31,165 But I didn't know it at the time. Mm-Hmm. 350 00:14:31,185 --> 00:14:32,445 If it would've like fucked me up 351 00:14:32,465 --> 00:14:34,405 by the time I was like bending over for you, 352 00:14:34,605 --> 00:14:35,645 I was like, oh, here we go. 353 00:14:35,915 --> 00:14:38,765 Okay. Right. And you sure shit didn't have problem with it. 354 00:14:39,105 --> 00:14:43,045 Mm-Hmm. The other thing is, I would like to see 355 00:14:43,235 --> 00:14:47,605 what I imagine is probably some crusty dusty men telling 356 00:14:47,635 --> 00:14:49,725 this person that their ass is not attractive enough. 357 00:14:49,725 --> 00:14:51,525 Right? Yeah. 'cause the people I I have found 358 00:14:52,345 --> 00:14:55,445 off the internet who have the most opinions about their 359 00:14:55,445 --> 00:14:58,445 partner's body, if we were being mean 360 00:14:58,445 --> 00:15:01,845 and judgy, we could find about 85 things wrong. 361 00:15:02,105 --> 00:15:03,365 Air quote wrong with that person. 362 00:15:03,545 --> 00:15:05,405 We don't do that 'cause we're grownups here, 363 00:15:05,865 --> 00:15:07,765 but I feel like we could . 364 00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:11,685 It's usually the, the one throwing the stone at a glass 365 00:15:11,685 --> 00:15:12,805 house kind of situation. 366 00:15:12,805 --> 00:15:17,005 Yeah. They probably shouldn't. Anyway. Yeah. 367 00:15:17,665 --> 00:15:19,965 Anyway. Yeah. When we talk about the, the part 368 00:15:19,965 --> 00:15:21,005 that made me kind of go Mm. 369 00:15:21,345 --> 00:15:24,045 Is when they refer to their butt as being pimply, 370 00:15:24,145 --> 00:15:26,445 I'm just like, okay, are we talking open wounds? 371 00:15:26,495 --> 00:15:28,805 Right. And skin that's been picked at 372 00:15:28,875 --> 00:15:32,165 that probably shouldn't be spanked anyway in general. 373 00:15:32,335 --> 00:15:35,405 Right. Or you just got some, you got a skin, 374 00:15:35,585 --> 00:15:36,685 you got stuff with your skin. 375 00:15:36,835 --> 00:15:38,525 Like, there's somebody out there 376 00:15:38,525 --> 00:15:39,605 who will spank that as Yeah. 377 00:15:39,765 --> 00:15:41,045 I have no doubt. I have no doubt. 378 00:15:41,225 --> 00:15:43,085 Get away from these crusty dusty men. Mm-Hmm. 379 00:15:43,145 --> 00:15:47,325 Who are telling you otherwise because I'm pretty sure. Yeah. 380 00:15:47,625 --> 00:15:52,285 Yep. Okay. Okay. This one made me a little sad. 381 00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:54,245 The comments of this one, um, 382 00:15:54,555 --> 00:15:56,165 made me feel a little bit better about 383 00:15:57,685 --> 00:15:58,685 response this person might get. 384 00:15:58,705 --> 00:16:03,325 So here we go. Okay. Is BDSM holding me back from having a 385 00:16:03,325 --> 00:16:05,325 healthy and happy relationship? 386 00:16:06,945 --> 00:16:10,405 Uh, I am female 29 starting to think I have to let go 387 00:16:10,405 --> 00:16:13,205 of kink and BDSM I'm struggling to connect with people 388 00:16:13,225 --> 00:16:15,125 who are either not into kink at all 389 00:16:15,505 --> 00:16:19,245 or are into BDSM in an exploit exploitative way. 390 00:16:19,905 --> 00:16:23,405 My last long-term relationship in 2022 had an intense 391 00:16:23,585 --> 00:16:26,365 and wonderful DS dynamic when things were really good, 392 00:16:26,705 --> 00:16:28,405 but he ended up being physically abusive 393 00:16:28,505 --> 00:16:29,805 and emotionally manipulative 394 00:16:30,135 --> 00:16:31,725 after working through so much in therapy 395 00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:34,125 and finally feeling secure in almost every aspect 396 00:16:34,125 --> 00:16:36,445 of my life, I'd really like to make a connection, 397 00:16:36,445 --> 00:16:38,685 fall in love and have a healthy lasting relationship. 398 00:16:39,305 --> 00:16:41,765 I'm putting so much work into meeting people on different 399 00:16:42,005 --> 00:16:44,725 platforms, going on dates, being open-minded, listening 400 00:16:44,725 --> 00:16:47,685 and trying to adapt still, it's not yielding anything. 401 00:16:47,705 --> 00:16:49,045 And it makes me feel so lonely 402 00:16:49,105 --> 00:16:50,885 to keep putting myself out there like this. 403 00:16:51,625 --> 00:16:54,405 I'm finding men in the BDSM community talk a lot about 404 00:16:54,685 --> 00:16:56,685 communication and aftercare and all the books they've read. 405 00:16:56,685 --> 00:16:59,205 Like they're trying to lure you into a false sense of safety 406 00:16:59,835 --> 00:17:01,605 only to prove themselves to be selfish 407 00:17:01,745 --> 00:17:03,165 and at times very dangerous. 408 00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:06,525 I've tried to move slowly with dating kinky people. 409 00:17:06,665 --> 00:17:09,285 I'm emotionally articulate and have been so explicit 410 00:17:09,385 --> 00:17:11,605 and communicative about what I want and don't want. 411 00:17:11,845 --> 00:17:12,965 I take more time talking 412 00:17:12,985 --> 00:17:14,525 and try not to rush things with sex. 413 00:17:14,865 --> 00:17:16,245 But when it finally comes down to sex, 414 00:17:16,245 --> 00:17:18,805 it's like no one is listened and I see their true colors. 415 00:17:19,345 --> 00:17:21,325 So it's almost like I can't trust anyone 416 00:17:21,325 --> 00:17:23,885 to engage in a dynamic that is entirely built on trust. 417 00:17:23,905 --> 00:17:26,325 And I don't wanna fall into an abusive dynamic again. 418 00:17:26,875 --> 00:17:29,205 I've tried to go on more vanilla dates slash apps, 419 00:17:29,205 --> 00:17:30,325 and I've met really wonderful 420 00:17:30,325 --> 00:17:32,605 and kind people who are genuinely interested in me, 421 00:17:32,665 --> 00:17:34,005 but things don't match up in the bedroom. 422 00:17:34,315 --> 00:17:37,005 There's just this need for BDSM inside me. 423 00:17:37,005 --> 00:17:39,885 And if I can't have that, it makes me feel so alienated 424 00:17:39,905 --> 00:17:41,965 and disconnected from myself and my partner. 425 00:17:42,515 --> 00:17:45,085 I've slowly tried to bring ideas of kink into conversations 426 00:17:45,105 --> 00:17:47,405 or encourage them to express what desires they have. 427 00:17:47,745 --> 00:17:49,125 The more I reveal about myself, 428 00:17:49,305 --> 00:17:51,045 the more they think something is wrong with me. 429 00:17:51,065 --> 00:17:52,445 Or sometimes they're really kind 430 00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,045 and say they're just not into that 431 00:17:54,265 --> 00:17:56,525 and don't judge me at all either reaction 432 00:17:56,535 --> 00:17:57,885 sends me into a shame spiral. 433 00:17:58,275 --> 00:18:00,885 It's just a vulnerable position to keep putting myself in. 434 00:18:01,195 --> 00:18:02,205 I've never felt so lonely 435 00:18:02,205 --> 00:18:04,485 and sad about my romantic slash sexual life before 436 00:18:04,485 --> 00:18:06,445 and it's really starting to get to me. 437 00:18:06,745 --> 00:18:09,165 So the questions, um, should I stop dating 438 00:18:09,185 --> 00:18:12,725 and try to reframe my body and mind away from BDSM? 439 00:18:13,105 --> 00:18:15,645 Has anyone found that they've never quite found the right 440 00:18:15,645 --> 00:18:16,965 dynamic in BDSM? 441 00:18:16,965 --> 00:18:19,445 So they decided to call it quits before it does more damage. 442 00:18:20,185 --> 00:18:22,925 Should I put more effort into more vanilla dynamics if I'm 443 00:18:22,925 --> 00:18:25,605 missing out on having a real and lasting connection? 444 00:18:27,005 --> 00:18:28,445 I feel like this person needs to take a damn 445 00:18:28,445 --> 00:18:29,485 break from dating all. 446 00:18:29,545 --> 00:18:30,765 Yes. Just for a hot ass 447 00:18:30,765 --> 00:18:31,765 - Minute. 448 00:18:31,765 --> 00:18:32,725 Yes. That's exactly what I was thinking. They 449 00:18:32,725 --> 00:18:33,845 - Do not seem to be in the right mindset 450 00:18:34,025 --> 00:18:35,165 no matter what flavor they 451 00:18:35,165 --> 00:18:36,165 - Go for. 452 00:18:36,165 --> 00:18:39,005 Right. They, um, you know, the, the the first question there 453 00:18:39,105 --> 00:18:41,605 to stop dating and, and try to refu my body 454 00:18:41,625 --> 00:18:45,085 and mind away from BDSM, um, you, no. 455 00:18:45,105 --> 00:18:47,245 You don't need to stop thinking about BDSM. 456 00:18:47,355 --> 00:18:48,725 What you need to do is you need 457 00:18:48,725 --> 00:18:50,205 to stop step back from dating 458 00:18:50,275 --> 00:18:51,725 because whatever you're doing, 459 00:18:51,865 --> 00:18:54,045 the people you're meeting is not working 460 00:18:54,785 --> 00:18:56,845 and you keep doing the same thing over 461 00:18:56,865 --> 00:18:58,445 and over expecting different results. 462 00:18:58,445 --> 00:18:59,445 That's not gonna happen. 463 00:18:59,825 --> 00:19:00,965 You need to step back 464 00:19:01,545 --> 00:19:04,605 and take some introspection time and, and maybe 465 00:19:04,675 --> 00:19:06,925 - Just be, be by yourself for a while 466 00:19:06,925 --> 00:19:08,925 and figure, I mean, I don't know any, I don't wanna, like, 467 00:19:09,105 --> 00:19:11,045 I'm placing a lot on this person, but like Mm-Hmm. 468 00:19:11,085 --> 00:19:13,085 , are you happy in other parts of your life? 469 00:19:13,225 --> 00:19:14,965 Are you connected to yourself? 470 00:19:15,065 --> 00:19:17,085 And so that you're outside of this, you're doing things 471 00:19:17,085 --> 00:19:19,445 that you love, you're pursuing your own interests, 472 00:19:19,505 --> 00:19:22,245 you're growing as a person in a way that makes you happy. 473 00:19:22,665 --> 00:19:25,325 Are you exploring BDSM as a concept 474 00:19:25,675 --> 00:19:26,845 outside of a relationship? 475 00:19:26,865 --> 00:19:28,885 Are you going to munches? Are you going to workshops? 476 00:19:29,025 --> 00:19:31,685 Are you learning Mm-Hmm. Are you meeting people without the 477 00:19:31,685 --> 00:19:33,645 expectation of, uh, relationship? 478 00:19:33,645 --> 00:19:35,805 Right. Because if be, if you, you know, 479 00:19:36,205 --> 00:19:39,045 I think it's worth when, when you feel like air, 480 00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,125 the big air quotes, air quote, 481 00:19:41,125 --> 00:19:42,965 like you're failing at something. 482 00:19:43,565 --> 00:19:46,765 I think it's worth taking a step back and thinking about it 483 00:19:46,945 --> 00:19:50,365 and deciding for yourself, is this worth pursuing or not? 484 00:19:50,605 --> 00:19:52,205 I would never tell somebody not to have 485 00:19:52,205 --> 00:19:54,285 that internal Mm-Hmm. , you know 486 00:19:55,035 --> 00:19:56,035 - Yeah. 487 00:19:56,035 --> 00:19:57,405 - Whatever word I'm looking for. Or to talk to friends 488 00:19:57,625 --> 00:20:00,205 who are understanding of kink, uh, . 489 00:20:00,275 --> 00:20:02,525 Yeah. I feel like maybe those would be, 490 00:20:02,615 --> 00:20:03,925 you'd get better results that way. 491 00:20:04,095 --> 00:20:05,925 Right. But, you know, 492 00:20:06,305 --> 00:20:08,725 and the decision, if the decision that you make is, 493 00:20:08,965 --> 00:20:11,125 I don't wanna do kink anymore, that's valid. 494 00:20:11,265 --> 00:20:14,445 But I'm not sure that being disappointed in all 495 00:20:14,445 --> 00:20:17,405 of these relationship aspects, um, 496 00:20:18,745 --> 00:20:20,685 and making that decision one way 497 00:20:20,685 --> 00:20:23,245 or the other in the middle of all of this disappointment, 498 00:20:24,025 --> 00:20:26,525 is necessarily the best way to do it. 499 00:20:26,675 --> 00:20:28,285 - Like, right. And, and you know, what, 500 00:20:28,285 --> 00:20:30,645 what they're talking about there, you know, the fact 501 00:20:30,645 --> 00:20:34,885 that they, they maybe should put their thoughts and, 502 00:20:34,945 --> 00:20:38,045 and energy into more vanilla dynamics and, 503 00:20:38,105 --> 00:20:40,685 and you know, what that may be. 504 00:20:41,385 --> 00:20:45,325 But you say how important the, you know, 505 00:20:45,705 --> 00:20:49,645 the DS life is to you, you can step back from BDSM, 506 00:20:49,785 --> 00:20:52,925 but I would almost bet dollars donuts at, at some point, 507 00:20:53,745 --> 00:20:56,205 you know, there's gonna be some resentment coming up there 508 00:20:56,205 --> 00:20:58,205 that you gave this up, you know, and, 509 00:20:58,265 --> 00:20:59,405 and walked away from it. 510 00:20:59,705 --> 00:21:01,925 - Or you just keep finding partners like they're, 511 00:21:01,925 --> 00:21:03,725 say she's saying in the vanilla side 512 00:21:03,915 --> 00:21:05,925 that are incompatible in the bedroom. 513 00:21:05,975 --> 00:21:09,045 Right. You're just dissatisfied in the bedroom. Yeah. Yeah. 514 00:21:09,075 --> 00:21:11,845 Even if you're not, even if it's not resentment, it's still 515 00:21:12,585 --> 00:21:14,245 an incompatibility Mm-Hmm. 516 00:21:14,285 --> 00:21:17,805 that you may still have and Right. 517 00:21:17,905 --> 00:21:20,845 You know, there's plenty of people regardless of gender, 518 00:21:20,865 --> 00:21:24,445 but it is certainly very common among women who say, well, 519 00:21:24,835 --> 00:21:27,005 mine that I shouldn't want that. 520 00:21:27,165 --> 00:21:29,205 I should, they'll tell themselves I shouldn't need that. 521 00:21:29,225 --> 00:21:31,045 Mm-Hmm. , uh, it doesn't matter. 522 00:21:31,475 --> 00:21:32,885 It's not what I need to make me happy. 523 00:21:32,885 --> 00:21:37,045 Because many of us have been taught that sexual 524 00:21:37,755 --> 00:21:39,445 desires and needs are not as valid 525 00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:41,285 as other desires and needs. 526 00:21:41,585 --> 00:21:44,005 And that's true for some people, and that's fine. 527 00:21:44,025 --> 00:21:47,805 But for some people it is. It's about overall satisfaction. 528 00:21:47,805 --> 00:21:49,285 Mm-Hmm. with your life and with a partner. 529 00:21:49,425 --> 00:21:51,325 But quite frankly, I think it's time 530 00:21:51,325 --> 00:21:53,165 to just close down all the dating apps. 531 00:21:53,165 --> 00:21:54,685 Yeah. Get off a fucking fet life. 532 00:21:55,115 --> 00:21:58,325 Just go be a person living your life for a while. 533 00:21:59,035 --> 00:22:01,965 Just 'cause I think that's a different, you come back from 534 00:22:01,965 --> 00:22:04,405 that six months, a year, five years, Mm-Hmm. 535 00:22:04,445 --> 00:22:05,925 I don't know. I think you're a different 536 00:22:05,925 --> 00:22:06,965 person in the dating world. 537 00:22:07,115 --> 00:22:08,565 Sure. You know? Yeah. 538 00:22:08,565 --> 00:22:10,565 Getting in touch with, this is 539 00:22:10,565 --> 00:22:12,445 what I need, this is what I want. 540 00:22:12,445 --> 00:22:14,005 Mm-Hmm. This is what makes me happy. 541 00:22:14,625 --> 00:22:18,205 And the person who is allowed to enter that is not allowed 542 00:22:18,205 --> 00:22:20,165 to disturb my peace in that way. 543 00:22:20,165 --> 00:22:22,405 Right. They have to. I don't want to need them. 544 00:22:22,755 --> 00:22:24,485 They, I want to want them. 545 00:22:24,485 --> 00:22:25,565 - Mm-Hmm. . And 546 00:22:25,765 --> 00:22:26,845 - I think you make different decisions 547 00:22:26,945 --> 00:22:30,445 - And you know, I, there there comes a point when, you know, 548 00:22:31,145 --> 00:22:32,365 and, and, and that's fine. 549 00:22:32,625 --> 00:22:34,405 You know, you want what you want. Mm-Hmm. . 550 00:22:34,595 --> 00:22:37,325 Okay. You, you, you'd love to have a relationship and, 551 00:22:37,385 --> 00:22:38,485 and that is fine. 552 00:22:38,635 --> 00:22:40,325 There's nothing wrong with that. Mm-Hmm. 553 00:22:40,665 --> 00:22:45,325 But I think there also comes a point where you become 554 00:22:45,505 --> 00:22:50,405 so focused on finding that, um, you know, 555 00:22:50,405 --> 00:22:53,805 are are you enjoying what you're doing at that point? Yeah. 556 00:22:53,805 --> 00:22:55,405 - That's a valid - Question. You know, uh, 557 00:22:55,475 --> 00:22:58,725 because you're, you're so focused on this one thing 558 00:22:59,985 --> 00:23:02,325 and, you know, are you having fun? 559 00:23:02,465 --> 00:23:04,005 Are you enjoying yourself or 560 00:23:04,005 --> 00:23:05,005 - Is it work? 561 00:23:05,005 --> 00:23:07,325 - Yeah. So, you know, I, 562 00:23:07,345 --> 00:23:09,285 and I think you kind of, you know, 563 00:23:09,915 --> 00:23:13,805 step back from the dating, go to workshops, go to munches, 564 00:23:13,905 --> 00:23:17,045 not with the intention of meeting somebody, going out there 565 00:23:17,045 --> 00:23:19,205 and having fun and enjoying yourself. 566 00:23:19,385 --> 00:23:21,325 And sometimes you never know what's going 567 00:23:21,325 --> 00:23:22,965 to come along when you're just out there 568 00:23:23,105 --> 00:23:24,205 living your best life. 569 00:23:24,415 --> 00:23:25,605 - Right. Ex Exactly. 570 00:23:25,745 --> 00:23:26,965 And it's the thing you can't predict 571 00:23:26,965 --> 00:23:28,965 and nobody can say, oh, it'll happen 572 00:23:28,975 --> 00:23:30,685 after this amount of time. 573 00:23:30,825 --> 00:23:31,885 Or when you're in this Mm-Hmm. 574 00:23:31,925 --> 00:23:33,085 , you know, position in life. 575 00:23:33,085 --> 00:23:36,005 Like, none of none of that. It's random. Yeah. It is chaos. 576 00:23:36,305 --> 00:23:38,045 And that is the frustrating part. 577 00:23:38,665 --> 00:23:39,845 Um, the other thing, 578 00:23:39,905 --> 00:23:43,285 and I, you know, I appreciate where she says, you know, 579 00:23:43,285 --> 00:23:44,325 I've spent time talking to them 580 00:23:44,325 --> 00:23:45,920 and I've, they're saying all the right things 581 00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:48,605 and I'm taking my time, and I go back to a thing that a lot 582 00:23:48,605 --> 00:23:49,965 of people don't like to hear from us. 583 00:23:49,985 --> 00:23:51,405 And I maybe it makes us old 584 00:23:51,405 --> 00:23:52,725 fashioned and I don't give a fuck. 585 00:23:53,395 --> 00:23:55,485 Have you tried just seeing if these people, 586 00:23:55,665 --> 00:23:56,965 if you wanna be friends with them, 587 00:23:56,965 --> 00:23:58,885 because here's my thing, if I don't Mm-Hmm. 588 00:23:58,925 --> 00:24:00,285 , if we're talking about long-term 589 00:24:00,285 --> 00:24:03,325 relationships, if I don't wanna be your friend, 590 00:24:03,505 --> 00:24:05,045 if I can't imagine just hanging out 591 00:24:05,045 --> 00:24:06,885 with you without there being a relationship, 592 00:24:07,245 --> 00:24:08,525 I don't wanna be in a relationship 593 00:24:08,525 --> 00:24:09,885 with you Now, that is me personally. 594 00:24:09,945 --> 00:24:11,885 Mm-Hmm. . And everybody has their own method 595 00:24:11,905 --> 00:24:14,005 and their own criteria and how they approach things. 596 00:24:14,005 --> 00:24:15,565 Yeah. But if vanilla 597 00:24:15,665 --> 00:24:18,965 or kinky, you keep being disappointed, would any 598 00:24:18,965 --> 00:24:20,805 of these people have been friend material? 599 00:24:21,095 --> 00:24:23,885 Would any of these people, if you weren't trying 600 00:24:23,885 --> 00:24:25,445 to pursue a romantic or sexual 601 00:24:25,545 --> 00:24:28,765 or something relationship with them, would you have wanted 602 00:24:28,765 --> 00:24:30,045 to just hang out with them as friends? 603 00:24:30,185 --> 00:24:33,725 And if you cannot answer emphatic yes to that, 604 00:24:34,945 --> 00:24:36,565 you know, I, again, I go back to your, 605 00:24:36,565 --> 00:24:38,045 you're in the wrong pool of people. 606 00:24:38,075 --> 00:24:41,125 Like something about the selection process. 607 00:24:41,125 --> 00:24:43,125 Something about where you're looking for people, 608 00:24:43,125 --> 00:24:46,485 something about how you are interacting with people. 609 00:24:46,585 --> 00:24:47,885 And maybe, and I worry 610 00:24:47,885 --> 00:24:49,205 because this is very common, 611 00:24:50,105 --> 00:24:51,845 are you holding firm to your own boundaries? 612 00:24:51,875 --> 00:24:55,405 Have you created your own boundaries of I will accept this 613 00:24:55,425 --> 00:24:56,485 and I will not accept that? 614 00:24:56,545 --> 00:24:59,285 Mm-Hmm. , you know, I, 615 00:24:59,545 --> 00:25:01,925 and I, you know, I don't ever like the idea 616 00:25:01,925 --> 00:25:04,445 of blaming the person who is struggling, 617 00:25:04,905 --> 00:25:06,885 but also, as you said, 618 00:25:06,985 --> 00:25:09,965 we often get into repeated beha patterns of behavior. 619 00:25:10,145 --> 00:25:11,285 We do the same thing. Mm-Hmm. 620 00:25:11,325 --> 00:25:12,165 over and over again 621 00:25:12,345 --> 00:25:13,885 hoping for a different outcome. 622 00:25:14,225 --> 00:25:16,165 And instead all we're doing is meeting 623 00:25:16,225 --> 00:25:17,325 the same kinds of people. 624 00:25:17,665 --> 00:25:19,205 Tho the people are the assholes. 625 00:25:19,305 --> 00:25:20,885 I'm not saying this person is the asshole, 626 00:25:20,905 --> 00:25:24,045 but this person is not adjusting to something. 627 00:25:24,175 --> 00:25:27,045 Right. And, you know, it could be as simple as 628 00:25:27,715 --> 00:25:29,685 back off the dating of anybody Mm-Hmm. 629 00:25:29,725 --> 00:25:31,645 and go get happy with yourself for a while. 630 00:25:31,645 --> 00:25:34,885 Right. It could be as complicated as look 631 00:25:34,885 --> 00:25:36,885 for people you'd wanna be friends with first 632 00:25:36,905 --> 00:25:38,805 before you ever worry about a relationship. 633 00:25:39,145 --> 00:25:40,645 Mm-Hmm. , all of it requires 634 00:25:40,665 --> 00:25:41,685 the dreaded P word. 635 00:25:41,885 --> 00:25:43,845 I don't like this word. Many people don't like this word. 636 00:25:44,185 --> 00:25:45,725 And that is patience. Mm-Hmm. 637 00:25:45,765 --> 00:25:47,605 patience sucks when you want what you want. 638 00:25:47,765 --> 00:25:50,285 I get it. It's disappointing. It's frustrating. 639 00:25:50,285 --> 00:25:51,365 You feel like you're missing out. 640 00:25:51,915 --> 00:25:55,285 This woman is 29, and I, she doesn't say it, 641 00:25:55,285 --> 00:25:57,485 but I remember being 29, I've known many, many, 642 00:25:57,485 --> 00:25:58,605 many 29 year olds. 643 00:25:58,645 --> 00:26:00,125 I also have an internet access 644 00:26:00,145 --> 00:26:03,245 and can listen to 29 year olds on the internet. 645 00:26:03,385 --> 00:26:08,125 And many of them slash y'all have gotten it in your head 646 00:26:08,125 --> 00:26:09,645 that if you haven't done something by 30, 647 00:26:09,705 --> 00:26:10,805 you are somehow behind. 648 00:26:11,445 --> 00:26:13,885 I am 44. You are 62. 649 00:26:14,225 --> 00:26:16,365 We are still doing new shit all the time. 650 00:26:16,465 --> 00:26:21,285 And is part of this an internal belief system that she has 651 00:26:21,285 --> 00:26:22,285 to find this relationship 652 00:26:22,305 --> 00:26:25,045 and be on a certain path in life by a certain age, 653 00:26:25,345 --> 00:26:26,645 or she's somehow behind 654 00:26:26,715 --> 00:26:29,245 that is a common enough belief Mm-Hmm. 655 00:26:29,325 --> 00:26:32,245 that I can't, it's, if I was in conversation 656 00:26:32,245 --> 00:26:34,805 with this person, that's some of what I'd want to know. 657 00:26:34,955 --> 00:26:36,885 Like, do you think you're behind in some way 658 00:26:36,885 --> 00:26:37,965 that you have to rush this? 659 00:26:39,505 --> 00:26:41,325 Is that part of it, you know? Yeah. 660 00:26:41,325 --> 00:26:42,605 Because just, and I think of it 661 00:26:42,605 --> 00:26:44,005 because it's so common and Mm-Hmm. 662 00:26:44,005 --> 00:26:46,085 Like I said, I remember being in my twenties Yeah. 663 00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:48,965 And it is rough out there in your twenties, like Yeah. Yep. 664 00:26:49,065 --> 00:26:51,685 You've, we've already got, you know, a culture in a society 665 00:26:51,685 --> 00:26:54,725 that tells, is trying to tell, especially women, 666 00:26:54,825 --> 00:26:56,445 but people in general that by a certain age, 667 00:26:56,445 --> 00:26:58,365 you're somehow like done for, 668 00:26:58,705 --> 00:27:01,765 and certainly younger than I currently am . 669 00:27:02,665 --> 00:27:05,445 And yet I've done more new and exciting 670 00:27:05,545 --> 00:27:07,845 and stressful things in my life. 671 00:27:08,435 --> 00:27:10,925 Well, past the age of 30. Right? Yeah. 672 00:27:10,945 --> 00:27:14,125 And many people who get, get themselves past the age of 30 673 00:27:14,145 --> 00:27:16,085 and certainly past their thirties in general, 674 00:27:16,465 --> 00:27:17,685 are like, yeah, yeah, yeah. 675 00:27:17,685 --> 00:27:18,965 Life kind of just keeps going. 676 00:27:19,105 --> 00:27:21,925 It doesn't just stop because we didn't hit arbitrary goals 677 00:27:21,995 --> 00:27:23,805 that somebody else set for us. 678 00:27:23,945 --> 00:27:27,485 You know? So that's another place that my mind goes. 679 00:27:28,385 --> 00:27:30,725 So, yeah. Uh, stop dating for a while. Mm-Hmm. 680 00:27:30,765 --> 00:27:33,365 . Just, just get, get, do, do shit 681 00:27:33,365 --> 00:27:34,805 that makes you happy as an individual. 682 00:27:35,015 --> 00:27:37,165 Right. Get, you know, it'll take a while. 683 00:27:37,425 --> 00:27:38,685 It might be difficult, 684 00:27:39,465 --> 00:27:42,445 but, you know, get to a point where a person 685 00:27:42,545 --> 00:27:44,565 who comes into your life adds to it, 686 00:27:45,545 --> 00:27:46,605 and you don't need them. 687 00:27:46,625 --> 00:27:50,965 You want them. And that's hard to do. Hard to do. Yeah. 688 00:27:51,205 --> 00:27:53,205 I stayed in a, a not good relationship 689 00:27:53,205 --> 00:27:54,685 for a very fucking long time 690 00:27:55,105 --> 00:27:56,445 before I could learn that lesson. 691 00:27:57,185 --> 00:28:02,165 Um, but yeah. And also, you know, it sucks out there. 692 00:28:02,465 --> 00:28:04,885 The dating life is rough. I'm so grateful. 693 00:28:05,225 --> 00:28:06,285 I'm not trying to date, I'm 694 00:28:06,285 --> 00:28:07,565 so grateful I don't have to worry about the apps. 695 00:28:07,705 --> 00:28:11,005 I'm so grateful that I can ignore every unsolicited DM in FE 696 00:28:11,065 --> 00:28:13,525 that's like, you know, bow down to me 697 00:28:13,825 --> 00:28:16,565 or be my mistress. 698 00:28:16,625 --> 00:28:19,085 I'm like, did you read the room anywhere in here? 699 00:28:19,265 --> 00:28:22,365 Did you just ? Like, it's, it's, 700 00:28:22,425 --> 00:28:23,525 it can be awful out there. 701 00:28:23,595 --> 00:28:24,925 Yeah. And I just think, well, 702 00:28:24,925 --> 00:28:26,685 why do you keep doing it to yourself then? 703 00:28:26,795 --> 00:28:30,105 Like, just take a step back. I don't know. 704 00:28:30,585 --> 00:28:33,985 I hate, I always feel a little inadequate, uh, giving, uh, 705 00:28:33,985 --> 00:28:37,025 dating advice, uh, as a happily married woman , 706 00:28:37,125 --> 00:28:38,985 who doesn't have to go through it. 707 00:28:40,405 --> 00:28:41,405 So 708 00:28:41,655 --> 00:28:42,655 - Yeah. 709 00:28:42,655 --> 00:28:45,665 It, it's, it's a, it's a, you know, I'm, I'm kind of glad 710 00:28:46,365 --> 00:28:49,865 I'm not, uh, dating Yeah. 711 00:28:49,925 --> 00:28:51,585 At this point in my life. Um, 712 00:28:51,695 --> 00:28:55,025 it's a whole new world out there with, with these Yes. 713 00:28:55,405 --> 00:28:59,065 - And the way we get to, we as a a, as 714 00:28:59,965 --> 00:29:01,985 people in general, not as individuals. 715 00:29:01,985 --> 00:29:04,865 Mm-Hmm. the way people sort of are allowed to 716 00:29:04,885 --> 00:29:07,425 and have found that they can behave online with other people 717 00:29:07,475 --> 00:29:09,625 where context doesn't matter. 718 00:29:09,625 --> 00:29:13,225 There's no nuance. Ghosting is seen as acceptable. Yeah. 719 00:29:13,365 --> 00:29:15,785 I'm gonna be old fashioned as fuck for my whole life 720 00:29:15,805 --> 00:29:19,065 unless it's a safety thing I'm gonna give side by 721 00:29:19,065 --> 00:29:20,345 to ghosting, I'm gonna say, Mm-Hmm. 722 00:29:20,385 --> 00:29:22,825 , um, for long-term stuff, 723 00:29:22,885 --> 00:29:24,265 not y'all had two conversations 724 00:29:24,265 --> 00:29:25,625 and you never wanna talk to that person again. 725 00:29:25,625 --> 00:29:27,105 That's, that's different. Um, 726 00:29:28,205 --> 00:29:32,505 but I just, I don't know. 727 00:29:32,865 --> 00:29:37,385 I, I think that the expectations for people who are trying 728 00:29:37,385 --> 00:29:40,625 to date online have changed from back in my day. 729 00:29:41,145 --> 00:29:43,605 Um, I think the way we behave with one another, 730 00:29:43,605 --> 00:29:45,805 because it doesn't feel as real when you don't have 731 00:29:45,805 --> 00:29:48,845 to look somebody in the eyes that has changed, you know? 732 00:29:48,845 --> 00:29:52,445 Yeah. I just, too many people want to be able 733 00:29:52,445 --> 00:29:54,725 to have conversations that can fit into a tweet. 734 00:29:54,745 --> 00:29:56,685 You know, the kind you don't pay for . 735 00:29:56,905 --> 00:30:00,605 Um, you know, and it's, I I think it makes it harder 736 00:30:00,625 --> 00:30:03,965 and it fucks it all up and it takes even longer 737 00:30:04,025 --> 00:30:05,205 and much more patience 738 00:30:05,785 --> 00:30:08,605 to find a compatible partner or partners. 739 00:30:09,265 --> 00:30:12,245 And also, I think Ella is going to now cry in the back. 740 00:30:12,245 --> 00:30:15,045 Yeah. She's in here. Uh, I think she thinks she's trapped. 741 00:30:15,185 --> 00:30:19,605 So, okay, here we go. 742 00:30:19,615 --> 00:30:21,045 Let's go into this next one. Okay. 743 00:30:21,065 --> 00:30:23,885 Um, this one is super long. Ah, okay. 744 00:30:24,425 --> 00:30:27,965 Um, the title is Dom Air quote, 745 00:30:28,355 --> 00:30:31,005 soft Limit Violation on Second Play Date. 746 00:30:31,185 --> 00:30:32,365 How to handle a Sub. 747 00:30:32,985 --> 00:30:35,245 Uh, this comes with a trigger slash content warning. 748 00:30:35,355 --> 00:30:37,205 This post includes descriptions 749 00:30:37,205 --> 00:30:38,485 of boundary pushing behavior, 750 00:30:38,905 --> 00:30:40,765 and violations that could be triggering. 751 00:30:40,915 --> 00:30:45,285 Okay. Um, I 34-year-old female am new 752 00:30:45,285 --> 00:30:48,045 to BDSM, and just had a second ever dungeon play 753 00:30:48,045 --> 00:30:49,085 session with someone local. 754 00:30:49,245 --> 00:30:51,565 I met via Fe. I'm on the subside. 755 00:30:51,565 --> 00:30:54,445 He was playing the dom role. I feel really shitty about it. 756 00:30:54,515 --> 00:30:56,445 It's clear to me my boundaries were crossed, 757 00:30:56,465 --> 00:30:59,205 but I'm having a hard time understanding how and why, 758 00:30:59,505 --> 00:31:03,205 and I could use some advice prior to our first play date. 759 00:31:03,205 --> 00:31:04,925 We both filled in lots of worksheets, 760 00:31:05,145 --> 00:31:06,725 listed out hard and soft limits. 761 00:31:07,005 --> 00:31:10,325 I got some references, et cetera, relevant to what follows. 762 00:31:10,685 --> 00:31:14,005 I have a hard limit of using condoms for any vaginal, 763 00:31:14,315 --> 00:31:15,405 oral or anal play. 764 00:31:15,505 --> 00:31:19,205 And soft limits on anal sex stating, this was challenging 765 00:31:19,205 --> 00:31:21,325 for me, but that if sufficiently warmed up 766 00:31:21,325 --> 00:31:23,485 and in the right context, I was open to trying. 767 00:31:24,145 --> 00:31:25,405 We had a first play date 768 00:31:25,405 --> 00:31:27,485 after lots of negotiation, and I enjoyed it. 769 00:31:27,505 --> 00:31:29,525 We continued to text and arranged to meet again 770 00:31:29,525 --> 00:31:30,805 for a second play session. 771 00:31:31,545 --> 00:31:32,565 During our texting, 772 00:31:32,705 --> 00:31:35,005 he said he had developed intense feelings for me, 773 00:31:35,345 --> 00:31:37,565 and I told him I only wanted to keep it casual. 774 00:31:37,865 --> 00:31:39,965 He seemed okay. A few days later, 775 00:31:40,025 --> 00:31:41,485 we didn't text for 24 hours. 776 00:31:41,745 --> 00:31:43,085 He asked to talk about that, 777 00:31:43,425 --> 00:31:46,285 and we had an hour long phone call to debrief that, 778 00:31:46,375 --> 00:31:47,925 which seemed disproportionate. 779 00:31:48,605 --> 00:31:51,205 I seriously considered canceling play date number two. 780 00:31:51,805 --> 00:31:52,965 I told him I felt anxious 781 00:31:53,065 --> 00:31:54,325 and was nervous to play with someone 782 00:31:54,345 --> 00:31:55,525 who might be angry with me. 783 00:31:55,545 --> 00:31:56,765 And he said, oh, come on. 784 00:31:57,305 --> 00:31:59,245 We ended the call with me feeling stressed. 785 00:31:59,305 --> 00:32:00,405 But then he followed up 786 00:32:00,405 --> 00:32:03,325 with a super reasonable understanding, chill text message, 787 00:32:03,665 --> 00:32:04,885 and I thought it was all fine. 788 00:32:04,985 --> 00:32:06,645 So I went ahead with the second play date. 789 00:32:06,905 --> 00:32:08,485 It was really horrible. Mm. 790 00:32:09,025 --> 00:32:10,245 And then this is where they say, 791 00:32:10,245 --> 00:32:12,485 they get into the content warning that they mentioned 792 00:32:12,485 --> 00:32:16,325 before we started rushed as he was caught in traffic. 793 00:32:16,625 --> 00:32:19,085 The first act was to ask me to strip down naked. 794 00:32:19,465 --> 00:32:22,485 And he attached vacuum pumps to my nipples. A first for me. 795 00:32:22,485 --> 00:32:24,205 We discussed clamps, but not pumps. 796 00:32:24,545 --> 00:32:26,045 It was painful, but tolerable. 797 00:32:26,365 --> 00:32:27,685 I was then asked to kneel 798 00:32:27,685 --> 00:32:30,045 and take off his pants and lick his cock. 799 00:32:30,405 --> 00:32:33,565 I asked for a condom. He said to then lick his balls, 800 00:32:33,565 --> 00:32:34,685 which I then did. 801 00:32:35,585 --> 00:32:37,565 He then rubbed his naked dick all over my face 802 00:32:37,665 --> 00:32:39,765 and lips, which I was keeping closed. 803 00:32:40,205 --> 00:32:42,565 I then said, again, do you wanna put a condom on? 804 00:32:42,665 --> 00:32:45,325 He said, just kiss my head once. And so I did that. 805 00:32:45,705 --> 00:32:48,085 He then did put a condom on, and I sucked him. 806 00:32:48,905 --> 00:32:51,645 He then said to bend over, presenting my ass to him, 807 00:32:51,785 --> 00:32:54,325 and began to finger her or this person's ass. 808 00:32:54,675 --> 00:32:57,325 This was okay. Then he proceeded to fuck me, 809 00:32:57,325 --> 00:32:58,845 anally pretty hard and fast. 810 00:32:59,475 --> 00:33:01,565 This was now about 15 minutes into the scene, 811 00:33:01,585 --> 00:33:03,005 and I was not warmed up. 812 00:33:03,005 --> 00:33:04,165 Mm-Hmm. Or aroused yet. 813 00:33:04,365 --> 00:33:06,565 I was finding it painful and eventually said yellow. 814 00:33:06,715 --> 00:33:09,645 This is too much. He then changed condoms 815 00:33:09,645 --> 00:33:11,645 and fucked me vaginally without first checking 816 00:33:11,745 --> 00:33:12,765 in for a while. 817 00:33:13,465 --> 00:33:14,725 He then had me kneel again 818 00:33:14,725 --> 00:33:16,085 and put his, cocktail my throat 819 00:33:16,085 --> 00:33:18,325 until I gagged repeatedly cried and threw up. 820 00:33:18,565 --> 00:33:20,245 I did not have the ability to say forward, 821 00:33:20,245 --> 00:33:22,485 and he had not given me like a ball to drop to show 822 00:33:22,485 --> 00:33:25,445 that I wanted to stop next. 823 00:33:25,505 --> 00:33:26,925 He tied me up and shaved me. 824 00:33:26,925 --> 00:33:29,245 This, at least we had discussed ahead. Okay. 825 00:33:29,245 --> 00:33:31,245 But then slapped his bare penis against my vul, 826 00:33:31,245 --> 00:33:32,645 which felt uncomfortable to me 827 00:33:32,945 --> 00:33:34,885 as he did not have a condom on. 828 00:33:35,325 --> 00:33:36,445 I didn't say word though, 829 00:33:36,445 --> 00:33:39,365 because I had stated my boundary was around condoms for sex. 830 00:33:39,505 --> 00:33:42,605 And I didn't think to include that, um, that kind 831 00:33:42,605 --> 00:33:44,565 of genital contact explicitly. 832 00:33:44,945 --> 00:33:46,445 But now I feel upset about it. 833 00:33:46,525 --> 00:33:48,045 I have another partner, and I feel awful 834 00:33:48,045 --> 00:33:49,325 that this put her health at risk. 835 00:33:49,985 --> 00:33:51,845 At this point, I was feeling stressed out 836 00:33:51,845 --> 00:33:53,925 and wanted to leave, but didn't really know how. 837 00:33:54,205 --> 00:33:55,765 I didn't feel like I had the confidence 838 00:33:55,765 --> 00:33:57,205 and skills to deal with the situation. 839 00:33:57,625 --> 00:34:00,845 We were alone in a rented dungeon space alone. 840 00:34:01,505 --> 00:34:04,485 And while I didn't feel scared, per se, I did feel awkward 841 00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:07,405 and frozen and ended up just trying to quote, make the best 842 00:34:07,405 --> 00:34:09,285 of things and see if I could get the play date back 843 00:34:09,315 --> 00:34:10,485 into fun territory. 844 00:34:10,965 --> 00:34:12,645 I didn't. It wasn't, mm. 845 00:34:13,375 --> 00:34:16,285 Afterwards he told me that condoms throw him off his game 846 00:34:16,285 --> 00:34:18,325 because all his other partners have not needed them 847 00:34:18,325 --> 00:34:21,685 because it's been based on trust or some such paraphrasing 848 00:34:21,825 --> 00:34:24,445 and how he felt, quote so bad, putting 849 00:34:24,445 --> 00:34:26,285 that plastic thing in my mouth, the condom 850 00:34:26,595 --> 00:34:29,085 that it quote must have tasted bad for me. 851 00:34:29,705 --> 00:34:31,765 So I think he was trying to sneakily get 852 00:34:31,765 --> 00:34:33,845 around the condom thing, which freaks me out. 853 00:34:34,365 --> 00:34:37,005 I finally then left as the dungeon rental period was over. 854 00:34:38,085 --> 00:34:39,685 I feel bad like I did a bad job. 855 00:34:39,925 --> 00:34:41,325 I know it's on the sub to safe work, 856 00:34:41,345 --> 00:34:43,365 and I didn't, I do think he ought 857 00:34:43,365 --> 00:34:44,525 to have discussed anal upfront, 858 00:34:44,525 --> 00:34:45,725 given that it was a soft limit. 859 00:34:45,725 --> 00:34:48,245 And doing anal as a first act with zero warmup 860 00:34:48,505 --> 00:34:50,725 and no check-in seems uncaring. 861 00:34:50,725 --> 00:34:52,045 At least also 862 00:34:52,045 --> 00:34:54,725 after saying yellow, I would've wanted a check-in. 863 00:34:54,725 --> 00:34:57,245 That wasn't actually a call for, please really stop. 864 00:34:57,545 --> 00:35:00,125 But he proceeded with other challenging acts. 865 00:35:01,345 --> 00:35:04,325 The barrier related behavior felt like, quote the letter, 866 00:35:04,345 --> 00:35:06,365 but not the spirit of the law. 867 00:35:07,035 --> 00:35:09,045 Sure. He didn't stick it in me without a condom, 868 00:35:09,145 --> 00:35:11,165 but he did rub his naked penis against my mouth 869 00:35:11,165 --> 00:35:13,805 and vulva, while he didn't seem angry, a part 870 00:35:13,805 --> 00:35:16,205 of me wonders if this play date being so horrible compared 871 00:35:16,205 --> 00:35:18,005 to the first is related to him not getting 872 00:35:18,005 --> 00:35:19,005 what he wanted from me. 873 00:35:19,155 --> 00:35:21,365 Intense emotions, a lot of attention, et cetera. 874 00:35:21,745 --> 00:35:24,445 Or if he felt like he quote deserved it, or some bullshit. 875 00:35:24,885 --> 00:35:27,525 I know I'm in the sub role, but this didn't feel suby. 876 00:35:27,525 --> 00:35:28,965 It felt selfish and bad. 877 00:35:29,475 --> 00:35:31,925 Also, the session was maybe 95% sex 878 00:35:31,945 --> 00:35:34,565 and about 5% a spank or two. 879 00:35:35,285 --> 00:35:36,565 I like impact and bondage. 880 00:35:36,675 --> 00:35:38,525 This is why I'm seeing a play partner at all. 881 00:35:38,825 --> 00:35:40,685 So that just felt really misaligned. 882 00:35:41,305 --> 00:35:43,605 How normal is this kind 883 00:35:43,605 --> 00:35:45,405 of misunderstanding surrounding soft limits? 884 00:35:45,845 --> 00:35:48,645 I feel like an idiot for not being uber explicit about my 885 00:35:48,645 --> 00:35:50,485 soft limits and for not litigating all the elements 886 00:35:50,485 --> 00:35:53,165 of safer sex I care about and for not safe wording, 887 00:35:53,165 --> 00:35:55,485 and just ending the scene when I was hating the sudden 888 00:35:55,505 --> 00:35:56,805 and unexpected anal, 889 00:35:56,945 --> 00:35:59,245 or when I throw up on his cock in a not fun way, 890 00:35:59,265 --> 00:36:03,085 or when I felt uncomfortable that he was doing with me, with 891 00:36:03,085 --> 00:36:04,205 what he was doing with me. 892 00:36:04,225 --> 00:36:06,005 He really should have, have a condom on. 893 00:36:06,425 --> 00:36:08,245 He texted today saying something like, 894 00:36:08,325 --> 00:36:09,565 I may have overstepped some bounds 895 00:36:09,565 --> 00:36:10,765 and I hope I didn't break trust. 896 00:36:11,345 --> 00:36:14,085 Mm. So I think he knows it wasn't okay. 897 00:36:14,315 --> 00:36:16,045 It's all feeling very bizarre. 898 00:36:16,745 --> 00:36:19,725 How do I practically make it feel safer for myself to say 899 00:36:19,725 --> 00:36:22,405 for an endo scene early when I'm not feeling good without 900 00:36:22,405 --> 00:36:25,605 stressing it'll cause a bad air quote, bad scene 901 00:36:26,145 --> 00:36:27,765 for the confident assertive subs. 902 00:36:27,785 --> 00:36:30,525 How did you get that way? And what tactics do you use 903 00:36:30,525 --> 00:36:32,925 to get out of a situation that's just off? 904 00:36:33,625 --> 00:36:35,205 I'm not going to play with this person again, 905 00:36:35,265 --> 00:36:37,485 but I don't even know how to think about this, how 906 00:36:37,485 --> 00:36:39,325 to process this and how to move on. 907 00:36:39,345 --> 00:36:41,165 And yes, I'm seeing a kin of our therapist 908 00:36:41,225 --> 00:36:42,605 and plan to bring this up. 909 00:36:43,355 --> 00:36:45,565 This was a lot. Wow. Yeah. This was intense. 910 00:36:45,785 --> 00:36:48,805 - It is - What I, the thing that comes up, 911 00:36:48,805 --> 00:36:51,845 there's a lot there that, you know, in hindsight you can go, 912 00:36:51,845 --> 00:36:53,005 oh, well, you might have, could have done this. 913 00:36:53,005 --> 00:36:54,125 You might Mm-Hmm. , here's the thing. 914 00:36:54,355 --> 00:36:56,765 That motherfucker had a good first scene with her, 915 00:36:56,825 --> 00:36:58,125 got exactly what he wanted. 916 00:36:58,275 --> 00:37:01,245 Yeah. And then, I mean, it's, there's a term 917 00:37:01,305 --> 00:37:02,685 for it when you switch like that, 918 00:37:03,025 --> 00:37:05,645 and that second scene was all about him. 919 00:37:05,715 --> 00:37:07,725 Yeah. And nothing about her. I 920 00:37:07,725 --> 00:37:10,285 - Mean, the, the, the red flags here are just 921 00:37:10,845 --> 00:37:11,845 - Unbelievable. 922 00:37:11,845 --> 00:37:12,925 We're having afraid of 'em. It's a whole color 923 00:37:12,925 --> 00:37:14,445 - Card, just flipping those red flags. 924 00:37:14,865 --> 00:37:16,245 And, and you know, the thing 925 00:37:16,245 --> 00:37:18,525 that disturbed me the most about all this, 926 00:37:18,545 --> 00:37:19,845 let me see if I can call it real quick. 927 00:37:19,845 --> 00:37:22,045 - There's, there's a lot. - Yeah. Um, you know, 928 00:37:22,505 --> 00:37:25,165 how do I practically make it feel safer 929 00:37:25,745 --> 00:37:27,645 to use their safe word? 930 00:37:27,655 --> 00:37:31,005 Right. And, and you know what, you shouldn't feel 931 00:37:31,005 --> 00:37:33,085 that way if you feel you need to say your safe word. 932 00:37:33,215 --> 00:37:35,805 - Right. - Say the damn thing. Right. Okay. 933 00:37:35,855 --> 00:37:37,925 There should be nothing holding you back 934 00:37:37,925 --> 00:37:39,645 that does not make you less of a sub. 935 00:37:39,645 --> 00:37:41,325 That does not make you, you know, 936 00:37:42,745 --> 00:37:44,405 that's your limits. Damn it. Right. 937 00:37:44,405 --> 00:37:46,605 - If something feels off safe word, I 938 00:37:46,775 --> 00:37:47,775 - Right? 939 00:37:47,775 --> 00:37:50,045 - Yeah. And again, it's easy to say that in retrospect. 940 00:37:50,045 --> 00:37:51,765 Mm-Hmm. , it's easy to say that in hindsight, 941 00:37:51,985 --> 00:37:55,005 in the moment, you know, things were feeling off. 942 00:37:55,225 --> 00:37:58,005 She wasn't feeling comfortable, she wasn't feeling secure. 943 00:37:58,585 --> 00:38:00,965 He certainly wasn't giving off any vibes 944 00:38:00,965 --> 00:38:02,805 that he gave two fucks about her. 945 00:38:02,935 --> 00:38:06,445 Right. So I could see the, 946 00:38:06,825 --> 00:38:08,765 if you're not confident in yourself yet, 947 00:38:08,825 --> 00:38:11,205 or you're not confident in what you're doing yet, I can see 948 00:38:11,205 --> 00:38:12,525 where the hesitation comes from. 949 00:38:12,945 --> 00:38:15,685 The lesson to be learned is that 950 00:38:16,485 --> 00:38:17,725 I don't give a fuck who it is. 951 00:38:17,845 --> 00:38:20,005 I don't give a fuck how long you've been playing. Yeah. 952 00:38:20,215 --> 00:38:23,245 Going forward, if something doesn't feel right Mm-Hmm. 953 00:38:23,285 --> 00:38:25,445 you safe for it, or you, or even 954 00:38:25,445 --> 00:38:26,605 before you even start the scene, 955 00:38:26,605 --> 00:38:27,725 you go, something's not feeling right. 956 00:38:27,725 --> 00:38:30,205 Right. Now, does that mean an asshole like this will not try 957 00:38:30,205 --> 00:38:33,685 to gaslight you into, you know, that's, you know, this is, 958 00:38:33,785 --> 00:38:35,205 that's not really what's happening here. 959 00:38:35,565 --> 00:38:36,845 I mean, of course that's 960 00:38:36,845 --> 00:38:38,485 what these kinds of people tend to do. 961 00:38:38,635 --> 00:38:40,925 Yeah. But, but that's easy in hindsight, 962 00:38:40,985 --> 00:38:42,565 in the moment I get it. 963 00:38:42,665 --> 00:38:45,325 You know, to think that, wait, we talked about this 964 00:38:45,465 --> 00:38:47,565 or that I, you know, this person does a, a thing 965 00:38:47,565 --> 00:38:48,645 that I think a lot of people do. 966 00:38:48,645 --> 00:38:49,765 They second guess themselves. 967 00:38:50,035 --> 00:38:53,205 Well, I said this thing was a hard limit, 968 00:38:53,705 --> 00:38:57,405 but I didn't say explicitly that this thing wasn't Mm-Hmm. 969 00:38:57,445 --> 00:38:59,125 . And that's my fault. 970 00:38:59,185 --> 00:39:01,565 And so then they take all the responsibility on when the 971 00:39:01,565 --> 00:39:03,685 problem, the, the problem is the partner. 972 00:39:03,865 --> 00:39:06,805 The problem is that partner never asked, never checked in, 973 00:39:07,385 --> 00:39:08,965 was based on this description, 974 00:39:09,225 --> 00:39:11,085 was not worried about her pleasure 975 00:39:11,105 --> 00:39:13,725 or what she was getting outta the scene at all. 976 00:39:14,785 --> 00:39:18,645 And I find it like laughable that like the next day, 977 00:39:18,715 --> 00:39:20,485 then there's a, a text of, oh, 978 00:39:20,885 --> 00:39:23,285 I may have crossed some bounds. Oh yes. Think, 979 00:39:23,395 --> 00:39:24,685 - Yeah, think you think 980 00:39:24,985 --> 00:39:26,245 - I'm feeling like he fucking knew 981 00:39:26,245 --> 00:39:28,125 what he was doing in the fucking middle of, of it. 982 00:39:28,265 --> 00:39:31,045 - And, and, and here's, here's, here's something too 983 00:39:31,045 --> 00:39:33,285 that kind of of struck me in this too. 984 00:39:33,825 --> 00:39:37,885 You know, they, they rented dungeon space. Mm-Hmm. 985 00:39:37,925 --> 00:39:40,285 . Alright. We've done that in the past. Mm-Hmm. 986 00:39:40,325 --> 00:39:41,605 . Mm-Hmm. . Okay. You and I, 987 00:39:42,145 --> 00:39:46,205 um, where was the dm? 988 00:39:47,585 --> 00:39:49,725 - It was, and it was a private rental space. 989 00:39:49,725 --> 00:39:53,245 Like where was a person to just monitoring the space? Yeah. 990 00:39:53,435 --> 00:39:55,005 - Yeah. I mean, when, when we, 991 00:39:55,035 --> 00:39:57,485 when we rented the dungeon space that time. 992 00:39:57,505 --> 00:39:58,885 Mm-Hmm. celebrate your 993 00:39:59,125 --> 00:40:01,605 birthday. There was somebody there. 994 00:40:01,695 --> 00:40:03,125 - Right. I don't even think they were in the room, 995 00:40:03,145 --> 00:40:04,605 but they were close enough by, they, 996 00:40:04,605 --> 00:40:05,605 - They were not in the room. 997 00:40:05,605 --> 00:40:07,565 They were, they were in the little office, which was 998 00:40:07,645 --> 00:40:09,925 behind the dungeon, but they were within, 999 00:40:10,385 --> 00:40:12,165 - And there were rules for renting the space. 1000 00:40:12,235 --> 00:40:13,485 It's like, if we're downstairs, 1001 00:40:13,705 --> 00:40:16,365 you stomp your feet if you need a dungeon monitor, right. 1002 00:40:16,365 --> 00:40:17,645 Uh, if we're upstairs, we'll 1003 00:40:17,645 --> 00:40:18,965 be watching, but, you know, Mm-Hmm. 1004 00:40:19,005 --> 00:40:21,765 , the, the house safe word is blah, blah, blah. 1005 00:40:21,765 --> 00:40:22,845 Right. So, like, if you're safe, 1006 00:40:22,845 --> 00:40:24,245 word's not working or you forget it. 1007 00:40:24,245 --> 00:40:25,525 Mm-Hmm. . And you, the safe, 1008 00:40:25,705 --> 00:40:27,005 the house safe word. 1009 00:40:27,005 --> 00:40:30,325 Right. And if a dungeon monitor hears the house, safe word. 1010 00:40:30,425 --> 00:40:31,485 Mm-Hmm. , they 1011 00:40:31,485 --> 00:40:32,605 know they need to be paying attention 1012 00:40:32,665 --> 00:40:33,665 - To what the fuck's going on. 1013 00:40:33,665 --> 00:40:36,285 I mean, I know dungeons will, you know, allow 1014 00:40:36,305 --> 00:40:37,645 for private parties and such. 1015 00:40:37,645 --> 00:40:40,245 Sure. But they just don't hand you the keys and say to me, 1016 00:40:40,245 --> 00:40:41,605 - They should not, - Here, here you go. 1017 00:40:41,745 --> 00:40:43,325 And, and you know, nobody's 1018 00:40:43,585 --> 00:40:45,645 - Not, without there being a way to let, 1019 00:40:46,465 --> 00:40:48,445 to let somebody know that there's a problem. 1020 00:40:48,715 --> 00:40:52,565 Yeah. Because otherwise you could be like, you know, 1021 00:40:52,645 --> 00:40:54,845 I can imagine a space where maybe there's different rooms 1022 00:40:54,945 --> 00:40:57,685 and you can rent the room as a dungeon space. 1023 00:40:57,685 --> 00:40:59,325 Mm-Hmm. . Okay. Then how is 1024 00:40:59,325 --> 00:41:00,685 that monitored for people's safety? 1025 00:41:00,685 --> 00:41:02,605 Right. How could somebody who is in an unsafe 1026 00:41:03,285 --> 00:41:04,685 situation get some help? 1027 00:41:04,995 --> 00:41:08,245 What is that? What is that set up like? 1028 00:41:08,465 --> 00:41:10,965 And if there's nothing set up like that again, 1029 00:41:10,965 --> 00:41:12,645 this is a, a future thing. 1030 00:41:12,825 --> 00:41:14,725 It doesn't help the situation that happened. 1031 00:41:14,865 --> 00:41:17,405 That's not a place to play, you know? Right. 1032 00:41:17,745 --> 00:41:22,045 Um, the, the part that, that, I mean, it all bothers me. 1033 00:41:22,045 --> 00:41:23,045 There's not a single part, 1034 00:41:23,225 --> 00:41:25,405 but the part that like strikes me is how 1035 00:41:25,795 --> 00:41:26,885 that first play date 1036 00:41:26,905 --> 00:41:29,685 and the setup for that per first play date was 1037 00:41:30,305 --> 00:41:31,565 the way that she described it. 1038 00:41:31,565 --> 00:41:32,645 Picture perfect. This is 1039 00:41:32,645 --> 00:41:33,790 what you, you would expect, you know? 1040 00:41:33,790 --> 00:41:35,285 Mm-Hmm. , we did all the worksheets. 1041 00:41:35,285 --> 00:41:36,605 We had all the conversations. Right. 1042 00:41:36,785 --> 00:41:38,365 You know, we went over our limits. 1043 00:41:38,465 --> 00:41:42,765 And that first one was, was what they wanted enough 1044 00:41:42,765 --> 00:41:43,765 that they wanted the second one. 1045 00:41:43,765 --> 00:41:46,645 And so then my question is, is this person a predator 1046 00:41:47,225 --> 00:41:48,965 who lured her in on the first one 1047 00:41:49,025 --> 00:41:51,285 and then thought he could do whatever he wanted afterwards? 1048 00:41:51,285 --> 00:41:52,805 - You got her into a false sense of security? 1049 00:41:53,065 --> 00:41:56,165 - Or, or was he just on his best behavior for that first one 1050 00:41:56,465 --> 00:41:58,765 and then after that thought he could do whatever the fuck he 1051 00:41:58,765 --> 00:42:00,725 wanted and got lazy, you know? 1052 00:42:00,725 --> 00:42:02,645 Mm-Hmm. . And didn't have to try either way. 1053 00:42:03,235 --> 00:42:05,085 He's a walking red fucking flack. Yeah. 1054 00:42:05,425 --> 00:42:08,805 You know, I do not blame her at all for all 1055 00:42:08,805 --> 00:42:09,925 of her conflicted feelings. 1056 00:42:09,925 --> 00:42:11,605 What I hate is she thinks she has 1057 00:42:11,605 --> 00:42:12,965 to take any fucking blame for this 1058 00:42:12,985 --> 00:42:13,765 - On herself. Yeah. 1059 00:42:13,875 --> 00:42:17,205 - Because sure, again, hindsight is always 2020. 1060 00:42:17,305 --> 00:42:19,365 We can always find what we could have done different. 1061 00:42:19,365 --> 00:42:22,805 But in the moment, you're trapped by your brain chemistry 1062 00:42:22,825 --> 00:42:24,165 and your body's reactions 1063 00:42:24,165 --> 00:42:26,005 and you don't have any control over those things. 1064 00:42:26,665 --> 00:42:31,325 You know, it's about walking into the space with knowledge 1065 00:42:31,325 --> 00:42:34,485 and hopefully confidence to, to overcome those moments. 1066 00:42:34,665 --> 00:42:36,965 And this person's just too new. They didn't have it yet. 1067 00:42:36,965 --> 00:42:38,205 Mm-Hmm. . And they didn't have 1068 00:42:38,725 --> 00:42:40,245 a genuinely responsible partner, 1069 00:42:40,395 --> 00:42:42,565 even though he fucking sold himself that way. 1070 00:42:43,205 --> 00:42:45,485 'cause a responsible partner would've been like, Hey, 1071 00:42:45,685 --> 00:42:47,965 I know you said condoms for penetration. 1072 00:42:48,435 --> 00:42:49,805 What about for this? What about, yeah. Right. 1073 00:42:49,835 --> 00:42:52,085 This is something I'm imagining. What about for this? 1074 00:42:52,705 --> 00:42:56,405 Or if her, I, I'm gonna bet fucking money. 1075 00:42:56,545 --> 00:42:58,925 Her body language was given off like vibes 1076 00:42:59,425 --> 00:43:00,525 and he was doing things 1077 00:43:00,525 --> 00:43:02,045 that maybe they hadn't discussed previously. 1078 00:43:03,145 --> 00:43:05,325 One, I, I wanna be, I wanna tell people, be careful. 1079 00:43:05,455 --> 00:43:07,485 Don't rely just on, on body language. 1080 00:43:07,685 --> 00:43:09,725 'cause people don't always read body language well, 1081 00:43:10,505 --> 00:43:13,245 but if you are going, wait, 1082 00:43:13,605 --> 00:43:15,605 normally they're arriving on the floor screaming in 1083 00:43:15,845 --> 00:43:17,565 pleasure, and right now they're very tense and quiet. 1084 00:43:17,695 --> 00:43:20,005 Maybe I should just ask a fucking question. Yeah. Right. 1085 00:43:20,625 --> 00:43:23,045 The yellow, when she called yellow, 1086 00:43:23,915 --> 00:43:25,125 it's the thing about safe words 1087 00:43:25,185 --> 00:43:26,685 and it's, everybody handles 'em differently, 1088 00:43:26,865 --> 00:43:28,845 but in general, if somebody's safe words, 1089 00:43:28,845 --> 00:43:30,725 everything stops right immediately. 1090 00:43:30,725 --> 00:43:32,365 Mm-Hmm. , you check in. 1091 00:43:32,715 --> 00:43:35,725 Sometimes that safe word is just not that fucking thing. 1092 00:43:35,725 --> 00:43:36,725 But I can keep going. 1093 00:43:36,915 --> 00:43:39,445 Sometimes that safe word is we, we just need to stop. 1094 00:43:39,745 --> 00:43:41,005 But you stop and check in. 1095 00:43:41,005 --> 00:43:44,445 That yellow should have been a time to pause, check in. 1096 00:43:44,455 --> 00:43:46,885 Right. See where she was at, modify 1097 00:43:47,785 --> 00:43:50,245 and couldn't, you know, maybe keep playing, 1098 00:43:51,985 --> 00:43:53,685 but I also think, lemme see if I can find it. 1099 00:43:53,685 --> 00:43:54,805 There's a lot here. Okay. Yeah. 1100 00:43:54,855 --> 00:43:57,525 Where, when she called yellow, um, 1101 00:43:59,505 --> 00:44:03,565 you know, it does not seem like he really 1102 00:44:03,715 --> 00:44:05,165 even paused. 1103 00:44:05,345 --> 00:44:07,485 Now he, what I would tell her going forward 1104 00:44:07,625 --> 00:44:08,885 for future negotiations 1105 00:44:09,155 --> 00:44:10,155 - Yeah, go ahead. 1106 00:44:10,155 --> 00:44:12,285 Um, after saying yellow would've wanted a check 1107 00:44:12,285 --> 00:44:13,285 - In this, that's what I'm gonna say. 1108 00:44:14,745 --> 00:44:15,845 It was on call for police release stop. 1109 00:44:15,905 --> 00:44:17,885 But she said up here she did yellow. Right. 1110 00:44:18,185 --> 00:44:19,565 - And he proceeded. Right. 1111 00:44:19,585 --> 00:44:23,205 - My point is, my point is for future negotiations. Mm-Hmm. 1112 00:44:23,245 --> 00:44:24,405 , what she wanted from 1113 00:44:24,405 --> 00:44:25,565 that yellow was a check-in. 1114 00:44:25,655 --> 00:44:28,925 Right. Even if you think a future partner knows that, 1115 00:44:29,245 --> 00:44:32,125 I would just lesson learned, I'd be very fucking explicit. 1116 00:44:32,265 --> 00:44:35,645 If I call yellow, please stop and check in with me. Right. 1117 00:44:35,735 --> 00:44:37,245 Don't just stop what you're doing. Yeah. 1118 00:44:37,505 --> 00:44:39,365 You and I have the dynamic. 1119 00:44:39,585 --> 00:44:42,445 If I call yellow, you're gonna stop with that implement. 1120 00:44:42,495 --> 00:44:45,085 Right. You might gimme a quick, like sexy check-in Mm-Hmm. 1121 00:44:45,125 --> 00:44:46,045 . But yeah, you're gonna pick up the next 1122 00:44:46,045 --> 00:44:46,125 thing. 1123 00:44:46,365 --> 00:44:48,405 'cause you know what it means between us 1124 00:44:48,405 --> 00:44:50,405 because we played enough Mm-Hmm. 1125 00:44:50,445 --> 00:44:51,725 new partners 1126 00:44:51,985 --> 00:44:53,325 or partners who just ask, 1127 00:44:53,355 --> 00:44:55,365 like they tell you in negotiations, 1128 00:44:55,385 --> 00:44:57,005 if I say yellow, I want to check in. 1129 00:44:57,005 --> 00:44:59,205 Mm-Hmm. just as much as if I said red. Right. 1130 00:44:59,205 --> 00:45:02,565 Yeah. Again, that's for future her to Mm-Hmm. 1131 00:45:02,605 --> 00:45:05,525 add in to hopefully avoid some of this stuff. 1132 00:45:05,795 --> 00:45:09,125 Yeah. But if somebody's gonna be a walking a red flag 1133 00:45:09,125 --> 00:45:10,245 and abusive as fuck 1134 00:45:10,345 --> 00:45:12,445 and selfish as fuck, I don't think 1135 00:45:13,025 --> 00:45:14,845 all the negotiations in the world are 1136 00:45:14,845 --> 00:45:15,885 gonna protect you from it. 1137 00:45:16,015 --> 00:45:17,925 Which sucks because it's like, well, how do I, 1138 00:45:18,345 --> 00:45:19,365 how do I know the difference 1139 00:45:19,365 --> 00:45:21,205 between the asshole who's not worth my time? 1140 00:45:21,205 --> 00:45:22,685 Mm-Hmm. and the real kink 1141 00:45:22,865 --> 00:45:24,725 who will respect my boundaries. 1142 00:45:24,725 --> 00:45:27,445 Right. Yeah. And that's the impossible part sometimes. 1143 00:45:27,445 --> 00:45:28,485 Mm-Hmm. , because he did, 1144 00:45:28,705 --> 00:45:31,765 he sounds like he did it right in the beginning. 1145 00:45:31,905 --> 00:45:35,325 Now what I, my nosy ass would love to be, would love 1146 00:45:35,325 --> 00:45:36,965 to have been a fly on the wall. 1147 00:45:37,195 --> 00:45:39,845 Because I wonder if he was putting out red flags. 1148 00:45:39,945 --> 00:45:41,845 She just didn't, she was too new. 1149 00:45:41,955 --> 00:45:43,245 When you're too new, you're not gonna, 1150 00:45:43,475 --> 00:45:44,965 some red flags are not overt. 1151 00:45:45,005 --> 00:45:47,765 Mm-Hmm. , they're not. This guy's like spewing, 1152 00:45:48,305 --> 00:45:49,925 you know, hate speech or something. 1153 00:45:50,075 --> 00:45:52,685 It's like really subtle shit that sometimes you don't see 1154 00:45:53,135 --> 00:45:55,165 until they have done the worst thing. 1155 00:45:55,305 --> 00:45:58,445 You know? And I am, 1156 00:45:58,825 --> 00:46:02,725 I'm not involved in casual play at all. 1157 00:46:02,785 --> 00:46:05,765 So I don't have the advice of the tools of 1158 00:46:05,825 --> 00:46:08,525 how do you circumvent that because a liar's gonna lie. 1159 00:46:08,785 --> 00:46:10,045 An abuser's gonna abuse 1160 00:46:10,265 --> 00:46:12,725 and they're gonna get away with as much as they fucking can. 1161 00:46:12,745 --> 00:46:14,245 Mm-Hmm. . And we, 1162 00:46:14,245 --> 00:46:16,805 this has been an ongoing problem, I'm sure for years, 1163 00:46:16,945 --> 00:46:19,485 but certainly since the advent of the fucking internet where 1164 00:46:20,905 --> 00:46:24,645 bad actors take the language of kink and they use it 1165 00:46:24,645 --> 00:46:26,005 and they manipulate people with it. 1166 00:46:26,005 --> 00:46:29,405 Yeah. And some of them are real fucking good and Mm-Hmm. 1167 00:46:29,445 --> 00:46:30,765 they can't, you can't just tell 1168 00:46:30,765 --> 00:46:32,005 from the outside looking in. 1169 00:46:32,005 --> 00:46:33,805 Right. And that's the insidious part. 1170 00:46:33,805 --> 00:46:36,285 And that's why I think all of us, I don't care which side 1171 00:46:36,285 --> 00:46:37,605 of the slash you are, please walk around 1172 00:46:37,605 --> 00:46:38,645 with some trust issues. 1173 00:46:39,485 --> 00:46:41,685 just not a lot. 1174 00:46:42,145 --> 00:46:44,525 Not toxically, not you like Mm-Hmm. 1175 00:46:44,565 --> 00:46:46,245 bad for your health trust issues, 1176 00:46:46,305 --> 00:46:47,485 but maybe just a few. 1177 00:46:48,105 --> 00:46:51,245 But she, again, I it's not her fault. No. 1178 00:46:51,345 --> 00:46:53,045 She, at the very beginning, she did 1179 00:46:53,045 --> 00:46:54,445 what we would've told anybody to do 1180 00:46:55,105 --> 00:46:58,525 and he followed the script and they had a good scene. 1181 00:46:58,745 --> 00:47:01,965 Yep. And then he just, he got selfish. 1182 00:47:02,095 --> 00:47:03,365 Maybe he's just an asshole, 1183 00:47:03,365 --> 00:47:04,565 but he's still just an asshole 1184 00:47:04,565 --> 00:47:06,645 who could have caused serious fucking harm. 1185 00:47:06,745 --> 00:47:07,745 Yep. 1186 00:47:08,545 --> 00:47:10,885 - Mm-Hmm. . - Yeah. 1187 00:47:11,545 --> 00:47:12,805 I'm glad at the end she's like, 1188 00:47:12,805 --> 00:47:14,045 I'm not playing with that guy ever again. 1189 00:47:14,265 --> 00:47:16,765 Gut. Mm-Hmm. . Because that's too many times we 1190 00:47:16,765 --> 00:47:18,565 get into conversations where they're like, 1191 00:47:18,625 --> 00:47:20,725 how do I make this right with this person? 1192 00:47:20,785 --> 00:47:21,845 And we have to go, you don't, 1193 00:47:21,845 --> 00:47:22,885 you get the fuck away from them. 1194 00:47:22,885 --> 00:47:25,685 Mm-Hmm. So she has learned the lessons 1195 00:47:26,105 --> 00:47:27,725 or many of the lessons from this, 1196 00:47:27,905 --> 00:47:30,205 and hopefully, you know, 1197 00:47:30,815 --> 00:47:32,245 won't have to go through this again. 1198 00:47:35,265 --> 00:47:38,765 But, you know, I think there are 1199 00:47:39,665 --> 00:47:41,165 the assholes and the abusers 1200 00:47:41,185 --> 00:47:45,045 and the walking red flags that prey upon 1201 00:47:45,305 --> 00:47:46,925 and take advantage of the fact 1202 00:47:47,035 --> 00:47:49,245 that people can talk themselves into going, well, 1203 00:47:49,645 --> 00:47:52,925 I didn't explicitly say not this specific thing. 1204 00:47:53,025 --> 00:47:55,725 Mm-Hmm. So maybe that shouldn't count in my safe word. Yeah. 1205 00:47:55,725 --> 00:47:56,885 And the rule in general is, 1206 00:47:57,045 --> 00:47:59,685 I don't care if you never said this was a hard limit. 1207 00:47:59,945 --> 00:48:01,885 If something happens that you are uncomfortable with, 1208 00:48:01,885 --> 00:48:03,245 you just fucking safe word. 1209 00:48:03,705 --> 00:48:07,285 Mm-Hmm. And the new lesson is in the negotiations, Hey, 1210 00:48:07,285 --> 00:48:09,605 if I say a safe word, I do expect everything to stop. 1211 00:48:09,665 --> 00:48:12,765 And for you to check in a responsible kinks gonna go, yes. 1212 00:48:12,765 --> 00:48:13,765 That's what I would do Anyway. 1213 00:48:13,955 --> 00:48:15,125 Glad we had this conversation. 1214 00:48:15,985 --> 00:48:18,085 Uh, uh, whatever this guy fucking is, 1215 00:48:18,425 --> 00:48:19,605 is probably gonna be a surprise to go. 1216 00:48:19,605 --> 00:48:21,725 What do you mean? But you know what I knew, 1217 00:48:22,165 --> 00:48:23,685 I knew when I first read this 1218 00:48:23,685 --> 00:48:26,605 before we got into the bad shit into the meeting, 1219 00:48:27,075 --> 00:48:29,285 when she was bringing up in their conversation, first 1220 00:48:29,285 --> 00:48:32,965 of all, he wanted a one hour conversation about why they 1221 00:48:32,965 --> 00:48:36,965 didn't talk for 24 hours when they are casual play partners. 1222 00:48:37,195 --> 00:48:39,525 - Yeah. - Really? Hmm. 1223 00:48:39,625 --> 00:48:43,205 But, so that was like, I, I got where she was like, 1224 00:48:43,205 --> 00:48:44,685 that seems like overkill. 1225 00:48:45,505 --> 00:48:48,405 But then when she says, I'm feeling anxious 1226 00:48:48,405 --> 00:48:50,965 and I'm feeling nervous, and his response is, oh, come on. 1227 00:48:51,395 --> 00:48:53,005 - Yeah. I know. Yeah. - So again, 1228 00:48:53,355 --> 00:48:54,925 hindsight being what it is, right? 1229 00:48:54,925 --> 00:48:56,765 Mm mm-Hmm. to me, the message 1230 00:48:56,785 --> 00:49:01,245 for her going forward is if somebody does not respect 1231 00:49:01,675 --> 00:49:02,725 when you share your 1232 00:49:02,725 --> 00:49:03,925 feelings like that and that you're mm-Hmm. 1233 00:49:03,965 --> 00:49:05,925 nervous or anxious, and they don't respect 1234 00:49:05,925 --> 00:49:09,325 that and they don't like give it the, the, you know, 1235 00:49:09,995 --> 00:49:11,365 they're not serious about it. 1236 00:49:11,825 --> 00:49:12,885 That's the red flag. 1237 00:49:13,235 --> 00:49:14,645 They don't, they don't get to play 1238 00:49:14,645 --> 00:49:17,045 with you if they can't take your feelings about 1239 00:49:17,185 --> 00:49:18,245 the play seriously. 1240 00:49:18,245 --> 00:49:20,645 Right. Before the play even fucking happens. Mm-Hmm. 1241 00:49:20,685 --> 00:49:21,685 . Um, 1242 00:49:22,925 --> 00:49:26,365 - I mean, you know, if, if someone's feeling that anxious 1243 00:49:28,535 --> 00:49:33,325 beforehand, you know, you would even have to have 1244 00:49:33,325 --> 00:49:34,525 to ask, you know, well, 1245 00:49:35,265 --> 00:49:36,965 is there anything I can do to help with this? 1246 00:49:37,145 --> 00:49:41,965 You know? And if, if it's that point, like, okay, well, 1247 00:49:41,965 --> 00:49:45,445 you know, maybe we need to scrub this play date 1248 00:49:45,445 --> 00:49:46,605 and do it at late at another 1249 00:49:46,605 --> 00:49:47,605 - Time. 1250 00:49:47,605 --> 00:49:48,565 Right. And a responsible ster, uh, 1251 00:49:48,565 --> 00:49:50,645 we talked about this in a previous, I can't remember what, 1252 00:49:50,935 --> 00:49:52,045 we're grown adults here. 1253 00:49:52,065 --> 00:49:53,885 Mm-Hmm. , you might feel disappointed 1254 00:49:54,125 --> 00:49:56,405 'cause the play's not happening, you'll be okay. 1255 00:49:56,495 --> 00:50:00,645 Right. So, you know, if, if the person's feeling anxious 1256 00:50:00,785 --> 00:50:02,765 and they're not a hundred percent like Sure. 1257 00:50:03,265 --> 00:50:07,125 And you can't easily, you know, calm their fears for them 1258 00:50:07,125 --> 00:50:08,205 and help them feel comfortable. 1259 00:50:08,435 --> 00:50:10,685 Yeah. The play doesn't happen. Mm-Hmm. . 1260 00:50:10,685 --> 00:50:13,485 And if you are so disappointed that you're, you lash out 1261 00:50:13,505 --> 00:50:17,605 or you, um, ignore the person's feelings 1262 00:50:17,605 --> 00:50:20,125 or negate the person's feelings, or, you know, whatever. 1263 00:50:21,125 --> 00:50:22,965 I mean, again, I got trust issues 1264 00:50:23,145 --> 00:50:24,405 you're not worth playing with. 1265 00:50:24,675 --> 00:50:27,365 Yeah. Uh, even casually, right? 1266 00:50:27,365 --> 00:50:30,605 Because casual play partners should have basic fucking 1267 00:50:30,675 --> 00:50:31,765 respect for one another 1268 00:50:32,185 --> 00:50:34,285 and should want this to be a good experience 1269 00:50:34,505 --> 00:50:36,045 for everybody involved. 1270 00:50:36,585 --> 00:50:38,565 Not just what this selfish bastard was doing, 1271 00:50:38,565 --> 00:50:40,085 which is like, I'm gonna get what I want. 1272 00:50:40,145 --> 00:50:43,845 And well, she didn't exactly say I couldn't do this, so 1273 00:50:44,265 --> 00:50:46,805 how far can I go before she speaks up? 1274 00:50:47,105 --> 00:50:50,205 And that is where, you know, I wish, 1275 00:50:51,205 --> 00:50:53,925 I wish she didn't have to learn this lesson this way, 1276 00:50:54,345 --> 00:50:55,885 but I wish whoever she becomes 1277 00:50:56,095 --> 00:50:57,605 after this experience, 1278 00:50:58,235 --> 00:50:59,845 hopefully confident, hopefully assertive. 1279 00:50:59,865 --> 00:51:02,645 Mm-Hmm. , hell just like ready 1280 00:51:02,645 --> 00:51:06,685 to say a safe word at the, the first sign of discomfort. 1281 00:51:07,525 --> 00:51:10,045 I wish she could have been that way already without having 1282 00:51:10,105 --> 00:51:12,445 to go through this to hopefully get there. 1283 00:51:12,475 --> 00:51:15,005 Yeah. Because none of this is her fucking fault. Nope. 1284 00:51:15,005 --> 00:51:17,405 Even if from the outside looking in, we're, we could go, 1285 00:51:17,405 --> 00:51:19,885 yeah, here's what I would've done if, if, you know, knowing 1286 00:51:19,885 --> 00:51:22,045 what I know, she didn't know. 1287 00:51:22,255 --> 00:51:23,285 She's too fucking new. 1288 00:51:23,385 --> 00:51:25,925 And he said all the right shit at the beginning. Yeah. 1289 00:51:26,625 --> 00:51:30,765 And so now it's a lesson learned of Oh, oh. 1290 00:51:30,945 --> 00:51:32,605 If they, if they do that to me 1291 00:51:32,605 --> 00:51:34,085 before we're even playing, right. 1292 00:51:34,085 --> 00:51:36,725 If they tell me that I'm just being, you know, too anxious 1293 00:51:36,725 --> 00:51:38,125 or I'm taking it too seriously. 1294 00:51:38,305 --> 00:51:40,005 Oh, maybe that's a sign. Right. 1295 00:51:40,945 --> 00:51:44,525 May or, or we have to have a one hour discussion 1296 00:51:44,525 --> 00:51:46,885 because I didn't talk to you for 24 hours. 1297 00:51:48,085 --> 00:51:51,205 Hmm. What, what, what? . 1298 00:51:52,085 --> 00:51:53,525 - . - We're not talking about people trying 1299 00:51:53,525 --> 00:51:54,605 to negotiate a dynamic 1300 00:51:54,665 --> 00:51:57,125 and they're like trying to make this a serious thing. 1301 00:51:57,125 --> 00:52:00,445 We're talking about fucking play partners. Yeah. What? 1302 00:52:03,195 --> 00:52:04,965 Yeah. Throw the whole motherfucker away, 1303 00:52:05,015 --> 00:52:06,845 right? As per usual. 1304 00:52:07,145 --> 00:52:09,925 - Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Oh God. 1305 00:52:10,875 --> 00:52:12,605 - Okay. Let's go to the next one. 1306 00:52:12,755 --> 00:52:16,965 - Okay. - Okay. This is another one that ha the comments. 1307 00:52:17,145 --> 00:52:20,045 At the time when I found this one had me feeling pretty good 1308 00:52:20,565 --> 00:52:23,205 'cause they were not toxic bullshit comments 1309 00:52:23,275 --> 00:52:24,485 like, like you might imagine. 1310 00:52:24,485 --> 00:52:25,885 Right? Here's your title. Okay. 1311 00:52:26,105 --> 00:52:29,805 Can you quote, learn being dominant if you're not naturally 1312 00:52:30,245 --> 00:52:33,445 sadistic, decisive, and commanding my partner. 1313 00:52:33,575 --> 00:52:36,325 Let's call her Jane is really into BDSM. 1314 00:52:36,385 --> 00:52:38,925 She even goes to BDSM parties with her other partner. 1315 00:52:39,435 --> 00:52:41,285 From what I understand, she is the sub. 1316 00:52:41,555 --> 00:52:43,645 Jane has been into the scene for a while now, 1317 00:52:43,645 --> 00:52:44,805 and she has her preferences. 1318 00:52:45,295 --> 00:52:46,485 While Jane does her best 1319 00:52:46,485 --> 00:52:48,165 to make me feel special when we're together, 1320 00:52:48,445 --> 00:52:51,445 I too often feel, still feel intimidated and inadequate. 1321 00:52:51,905 --> 00:52:54,565 I'm not a naturally decisive or dominant person. 1322 00:52:54,865 --> 00:52:56,645 I'm the let's feel good 1323 00:52:56,645 --> 00:52:58,365 and be cozy together type of partner. 1324 00:52:58,965 --> 00:53:01,245 I feel like Jane's other partners can truly satisfy 1325 00:53:01,345 --> 00:53:02,485 her BDSM needs. 1326 00:53:03,235 --> 00:53:04,685 Jane has been hinting her needs 1327 00:53:04,685 --> 00:53:07,405 of introducing BDSM into our sex life. 1328 00:53:07,925 --> 00:53:09,285 I would love to satisfy her, 1329 00:53:09,285 --> 00:53:11,605 but I'm super afraid that I'll be a terrible dom. 1330 00:53:12,045 --> 00:53:15,325 I feel like, uh, Adam Dom should be decisive, commanding, 1331 00:53:15,325 --> 00:53:17,045 confident, and a little bit sadistic. 1332 00:53:17,385 --> 00:53:19,805 I'm none of that. Imagine someone shy 1333 00:53:19,805 --> 00:53:21,005 trying to act all tough. 1334 00:53:21,605 --> 00:53:23,085 Everyone can see through that and it's not 1335 00:53:23,125 --> 00:53:24,165 a convincing performance. 1336 00:53:24,525 --> 00:53:26,645 I have some questions. one, 1337 00:53:26,865 --> 00:53:28,565 can being dominant be learned? 1338 00:53:28,665 --> 00:53:29,925 If so, how do I learn that? 1339 00:53:30,625 --> 00:53:33,525 Two, how do I get rid of this fear of being a fake dom? 1340 00:53:33,935 --> 00:53:35,325 Three. Can you as a member 1341 00:53:35,325 --> 00:53:38,365 of A-B-D-S-M community ever be truly sexually fulfilled 1342 00:53:38,365 --> 00:53:39,485 by having vanilla sex? 1343 00:53:41,305 --> 00:53:43,565 So the stereotypes Yeah. 1344 00:53:43,565 --> 00:53:45,325 If you're dominant, you gotta be sadistic. 1345 00:53:45,345 --> 00:53:46,725 You gotta be naturally commanding. Mm-Hmm. 1346 00:53:46,765 --> 00:53:48,005 , you gotta be, you gotta know 1347 00:53:48,005 --> 00:53:49,965 what you want when you want it all the time. 1348 00:53:50,115 --> 00:53:54,205 Yeah. Yeah. Oh, the stereotypes I know are stereotyping. 1349 00:53:55,035 --> 00:53:59,045 - Yeah. You know, there again, that, that's small 1350 00:53:59,585 --> 00:54:01,885 as far as, you know, the, the reading there, 1351 00:54:02,065 --> 00:54:03,165 but there's a lot there. 1352 00:54:03,165 --> 00:54:05,645 - There's a lot, there's a lot of insecurity for sure. Yeah. 1353 00:54:06,225 --> 00:54:07,565 - Um, you know, 1354 00:54:11,925 --> 00:54:16,205 I liken dominance when it comes to power exchange. 1355 00:54:16,475 --> 00:54:18,365 Someone who is, and, 1356 00:54:18,365 --> 00:54:21,285 and there are people who are natural leaders. 1357 00:54:21,675 --> 00:54:23,405 Yeah. Okay. And, 1358 00:54:23,585 --> 00:54:25,245 and, you know, they can, they, 1359 00:54:25,245 --> 00:54:27,485 they can step up into any situation and, 1360 00:54:27,485 --> 00:54:29,965 and they take charge and they can take charge 1361 00:54:30,105 --> 00:54:31,325 and, and, and do all that. 1362 00:54:31,325 --> 00:54:34,445 What needs to do. Um, you know what, not everybody's born 1363 00:54:34,445 --> 00:54:39,205 that way and, you know, so 1364 00:54:40,145 --> 00:54:44,485 can somebody learn that my, my answer? 1365 00:54:44,665 --> 00:54:45,965 Yes. I think they can. Yeah. 1366 00:54:46,305 --> 00:54:50,085 Um, it depends a lot on their desire. Mm-Hmm. . 1367 00:54:50,465 --> 00:54:52,085 Mm-Hmm. to, to learn it. 1368 00:54:52,705 --> 00:54:54,965 And, you know, because it's the same thing. 1369 00:54:55,345 --> 00:54:59,285 You know, you're, you, you work at a job, okay? 1370 00:55:00,185 --> 00:55:03,205 And, uh, you know, you're in line for a promotion. 1371 00:55:03,205 --> 00:55:06,525 They send you to, you know, management. Right. 1372 00:55:07,125 --> 00:55:09,805 Workshops and whatnot. It, it's the same thing. 1373 00:55:09,825 --> 00:55:14,565 You have to be willing to be open to it. 1374 00:55:14,825 --> 00:55:16,085 And you have to be willing to learn 1375 00:55:17,065 --> 00:55:18,805 - And to learn that there are different ways of doing. 1376 00:55:18,805 --> 00:55:21,325 Right. Different techniques. There's not management, 1377 00:55:21,325 --> 00:55:22,445 leadership dominance. 1378 00:55:22,445 --> 00:55:25,165 There's not a single way to do any of that. Mm-Hmm. 1379 00:55:25,205 --> 00:55:27,325 . You know, and I think that, I think 1380 00:55:27,325 --> 00:55:29,765 what happens, and sometimes it's right for people, 1381 00:55:29,765 --> 00:55:30,765 and this is true for people Yeah. 1382 00:55:30,795 --> 00:55:34,365 That, you know, dominance for them, whether they learn it 1383 00:55:34,365 --> 00:55:36,005 or it comes to them naturally 1384 00:55:36,025 --> 00:55:40,125 or whatever, is a decisive commanding 1385 00:55:40,995 --> 00:55:43,285 persona that, you know, maybe is a little sadistic, 1386 00:55:43,285 --> 00:55:44,365 but that is not required. 1387 00:55:44,365 --> 00:55:46,085 Mm-Hmm. sad is sadism 1388 00:55:46,105 --> 00:55:47,245 is different from dominance. 1389 00:55:47,245 --> 00:55:51,365 Right. Um, but they are, they are commanding and control. 1390 00:55:51,505 --> 00:55:54,925 And when they're in that role, the person 1391 00:55:55,545 --> 00:55:58,085 or people they are around recognize it. 1392 00:55:58,275 --> 00:56:00,285 That is an example 1393 00:56:00,905 --> 00:56:03,525 of the infinite ways there are to, to dominate. 1394 00:56:03,785 --> 00:56:07,285 But to dominate big d dominate is to be in, is 1395 00:56:07,285 --> 00:56:11,005 to be in control or to have the power and control. 1396 00:56:11,005 --> 00:56:14,085 Mm-Hmm. However you define that, having power and control. 1397 00:56:14,185 --> 00:56:17,685 It does not have to be a big, loud, showy thing. 1398 00:56:18,565 --> 00:56:22,685 A dominant who tells they're submissive. I want this. 1399 00:56:23,675 --> 00:56:26,245 Doesn't have to have a certain tone to their voice. 1400 00:56:26,595 --> 00:56:30,005 Doesn't have to speak in a certain volume, doesn't have 1401 00:56:30,005 --> 00:56:32,645 to use specific language 1402 00:56:33,385 --> 00:56:35,525 to say, we are doing this. 1403 00:56:36,085 --> 00:56:38,165 I want this, I want you to do this. 1404 00:56:38,305 --> 00:56:41,045 It can be a very quiet, calm thing. 1405 00:56:41,905 --> 00:56:46,485 It can be a thing where the only person, 1406 00:56:46,745 --> 00:56:49,605 people who know what this is, are the people involved. 1407 00:56:49,665 --> 00:56:50,805 And from the outside, outside looking in, 1408 00:56:50,865 --> 00:56:53,125 it doesn't look like anything that they would recognize. 1409 00:56:53,265 --> 00:56:55,005 And that is also okay. 1410 00:56:55,585 --> 00:56:58,365 You know, uh, pow having the control, 1411 00:56:58,385 --> 00:56:59,405 and let's say they're 1412 00:56:59,405 --> 00:57:00,885 talking specifically about their sex life. 1413 00:57:00,885 --> 00:57:04,845 Mm-Hmm. means that after careful negotiation 1414 00:57:05,265 --> 00:57:07,725 and conversations and making sure you have consent 1415 00:57:07,725 --> 00:57:11,245 and all those things, then the dominant is the one deciding 1416 00:57:11,275 --> 00:57:12,845 what position you're having sex in. 1417 00:57:12,845 --> 00:57:15,085 Mm-Hmm. . Right. The dominant is the one 1418 00:57:15,355 --> 00:57:18,605 controlling the speed and the intensity. 1419 00:57:19,025 --> 00:57:21,925 And how many position shifts have we had tonight? 1420 00:57:22,425 --> 00:57:24,445 - JB , you know, - What did you do 1421 00:57:24,445 --> 00:57:25,565 for 10 minutes before? 1422 00:57:25,705 --> 00:57:28,245 And it's, it, you know, again, 1423 00:57:29,045 --> 00:57:32,085 I could not even give you a solid example that will be true 1424 00:57:32,105 --> 00:57:33,325 for this person or anybody else 1425 00:57:33,325 --> 00:57:35,445 because it's so unique to the individuals. 1426 00:57:35,445 --> 00:57:40,365 Right? JB is very rarely, you know, giving me a firm look 1427 00:57:40,425 --> 00:57:42,125 or even giving me a firm tone. 1428 00:57:42,315 --> 00:57:45,485 He's just quietly doing what the fuck he wants 1429 00:57:45,485 --> 00:57:46,845 that he knows I consent to, 1430 00:57:47,065 --> 00:57:48,885 and I'm over there quietly fucking 1431 00:57:48,885 --> 00:57:50,045 letting him . Like 1432 00:57:50,045 --> 00:57:53,765 - It's, you know, - He's definitely in fucking charge. 1433 00:57:54,515 --> 00:57:57,085 There's just no need to advertise it, you know? Mm-Hmm. 1434 00:57:57,125 --> 00:57:59,645 . It doesn't require him to bark out orders 1435 00:57:59,745 --> 00:58:00,885 and to sound real tough. 1436 00:58:01,185 --> 00:58:02,685 He sounds real fucking calm. 1437 00:58:02,715 --> 00:58:04,725 Like he's ordering his breakfast at a 1438 00:58:04,815 --> 00:58:06,045 diner, you know, . 1439 00:58:07,885 --> 00:58:09,245 - Hmm. - You do. 1440 00:58:09,385 --> 00:58:12,445 You, I mean, sometimes you get into a head space of a scene 1441 00:58:12,445 --> 00:58:14,805 where we want something like more intense 1442 00:58:14,805 --> 00:58:15,805 and a little bit more rough and 1443 00:58:15,805 --> 00:58:16,565 blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 1444 00:58:17,665 --> 00:58:22,005 But not always, actually, actually, 1445 00:58:22,075 --> 00:58:24,005 sometimes there's no talking at all. 1446 00:58:24,715 --> 00:58:27,165 - Yeah. - You know, because we have had all these years 1447 00:58:27,185 --> 00:58:29,165 to negotiate and to understand where each other's at. 1448 00:58:29,165 --> 00:58:30,685 And I'm already speaking up 1449 00:58:30,685 --> 00:58:31,965 to go, Hey, I got a headache tonight. 1450 00:58:31,965 --> 00:58:34,205 Or, or, Hey, if I rub up against you, 1451 00:58:34,205 --> 00:58:35,925 will you get the fucking hint ? 1452 00:58:35,985 --> 00:58:39,525 Um, or, Hey, if you give me a gummy, I get horny. 1453 00:58:39,755 --> 00:58:41,085 That works in your favor. Right? 1454 00:58:41,085 --> 00:58:43,205 Like , we have all these shortcuts 1455 00:58:43,205 --> 00:58:44,325 as a long term relationship 1456 00:58:44,585 --> 00:58:46,485 to let each other know where we're at. 1457 00:58:47,145 --> 00:58:49,165 And then sometimes he doesn't say a fucking word. 1458 00:58:49,985 --> 00:58:53,405 He grabs my hair and like shoves my face on his cock. 1459 00:58:53,865 --> 00:58:54,885 He didn't have to say nothing. 1460 00:58:55,425 --> 00:58:57,085 He didn't have to have a persona. 1461 00:58:57,225 --> 00:59:00,965 He just had to like, decide what he wanted and do it. 1462 00:59:01,065 --> 00:59:02,965 And it could be super quiet. Mm-Hmm. 1463 00:59:03,005 --> 00:59:04,845 and super subtle and super. 1464 00:59:05,155 --> 00:59:09,485 Like, it just, so to this person, I don't know 1465 00:59:09,485 --> 00:59:10,885 what just fell outside the 1466 00:59:10,885 --> 00:59:12,085 window. It looked like a squirrel. 1467 00:59:12,425 --> 00:59:15,405 - It was a bird that was just like, oh, in front 1468 00:59:15,405 --> 00:59:17,005 of flapping in front of the window. Okay. 1469 00:59:17,005 --> 00:59:18,605 - Poor podcast listeners. You're like, what 1470 00:59:18,605 --> 00:59:19,805 - The fuck is happening over there? Start with me too. 1471 00:59:20,345 --> 00:59:23,005 - Um, so to answer this person's questions, 1472 00:59:23,345 --> 00:59:25,285 can dominance be learned? 1473 00:59:25,925 --> 00:59:27,005 I agree with you. Mm-Hmm. . Yes. 1474 00:59:27,325 --> 00:59:29,005 I think the key thing is 1475 00:59:29,005 --> 00:59:30,845 that you're not learning a single style 1476 00:59:30,985 --> 00:59:32,165 and calling that dominance. 1477 00:59:32,165 --> 00:59:35,085 You're, you might be learning from other people Right. 1478 00:59:35,095 --> 00:59:36,605 About what that can look like. 1479 00:59:36,785 --> 00:59:39,445 And then figuring out what that means to you in, 1480 00:59:39,545 --> 00:59:41,765 and especially in this person's case, in conjunction 1481 00:59:41,795 --> 00:59:44,845 with a lot of conversation from a partner who kind of knows 1482 00:59:44,845 --> 00:59:47,565 what they're into or what maybe they've seen from you 1483 00:59:47,675 --> 00:59:49,165 that you didn't consider dominance. 1484 00:59:49,185 --> 00:59:50,245 And they were like, yeah, that's kind of 1485 00:59:50,245 --> 00:59:51,485 hot and you can grow from there. 1486 00:59:51,545 --> 00:59:53,165 Mm-Hmm. , um, the fear 1487 00:59:53,165 --> 00:59:56,125 of being a fake dom, that's confidence. And that's time, 1488 00:59:56,175 --> 00:59:57,175 - Isn't it? 1489 00:59:57,175 --> 01:00:00,365 Exactly. Um, you know, the, the confidence that is something 1490 01:00:00,595 --> 01:00:01,845 that comes over time. 1491 01:00:01,945 --> 01:00:04,325 Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. , you know, it, 1492 01:00:04,515 --> 01:00:06,485 it's the, the old axiom. 1493 01:00:06,485 --> 01:00:07,565 The more you do something, 1494 01:00:07,945 --> 01:00:09,845 the more familiar you become with it. 1495 01:00:10,225 --> 01:00:12,365 And, and that's kind of what what this is too. 1496 01:00:12,705 --> 01:00:16,565 You build your confidence by, by doing Mm-Hmm. 1497 01:00:16,605 --> 01:00:20,485 . And, you know, I'm not saying you jump in 1498 01:00:20,485 --> 01:00:22,645 and do the most complex start 1499 01:00:22,795 --> 01:00:24,245 - Real fucking - Simple scene in the world, 1500 01:00:24,465 --> 01:00:25,525 you know, start simple. 1501 01:00:25,525 --> 01:00:26,965 Mm-Hmm. . And, and you know what? 1502 01:00:27,625 --> 01:00:29,285 You're gonna make mistakes. Right. 1503 01:00:29,345 --> 01:00:31,005 You're gonna make mistakes. It's going to happen. 1504 01:00:31,145 --> 01:00:33,685 You're, you know, regardless of what you are, you're, 1505 01:00:33,685 --> 01:00:34,765 you're human being. 1506 01:00:34,925 --> 01:00:37,125 You're going to mess up and make mistake. 1507 01:00:37,785 --> 01:00:39,125 And it's not the end all. 1508 01:00:39,545 --> 01:00:41,045 And, and it's not the end of the world. 1509 01:00:41,665 --> 01:00:43,685 You, you learn from your mistakes, 1510 01:00:43,745 --> 01:00:45,085 you dust off and you move on. 1511 01:00:45,255 --> 01:00:47,805 - Right. And I'm curious, they don't say, 1512 01:00:47,945 --> 01:00:50,445 and I, it's a question I would ask this person if I was in 1513 01:00:50,445 --> 01:00:54,005 conversation with 'em, is, do you wanna be a dom in a power 1514 01:00:54,285 --> 01:00:55,405 exchange way or do you wanna be, 1515 01:00:55,795 --> 01:00:57,485 does your partner want you to be a top Yeah. 1516 01:00:57,485 --> 01:00:59,925 Where you take control and you're the, the doer 1517 01:00:59,925 --> 01:01:01,485 of the giver of, right. 1518 01:01:01,705 --> 01:01:04,245 And they're on the receiving end of whatever that is. 1519 01:01:04,245 --> 01:01:06,325 Because dominance 1520 01:01:06,325 --> 01:01:08,445 and topping are not necessarily the same thing. 1521 01:01:08,665 --> 01:01:13,645 And it could be that you gain confidence as a top first 1522 01:01:14,025 --> 01:01:16,885 of, I will spank you with the paddle. 1523 01:01:17,725 --> 01:01:20,485 I will be the one to decide what, you know, 1524 01:01:20,515 --> 01:01:22,165 what gets touched and what gets stimulated, 1525 01:01:22,265 --> 01:01:23,805 and are you allowed to come and whatever, whatever. 1526 01:01:24,185 --> 01:01:25,725 And I'll decide that without there 1527 01:01:25,725 --> 01:01:26,885 being a lot of theatrics to that. 1528 01:01:27,465 --> 01:01:31,245 And then maybe you grow into the dominance part 1529 01:01:31,245 --> 01:01:34,925 where you're taking control on a, a deeper level than that. 1530 01:01:34,925 --> 01:01:36,285 Mm-Hmm. . Um, 1531 01:01:36,625 --> 01:01:40,325 and then this last question, this one's so personal. 1532 01:01:40,405 --> 01:01:42,045 'cause there's no, again, there's not a single right answer. 1533 01:01:42,625 --> 01:01:45,685 Can you as a kinky person ever be truly sexually fulfilled 1534 01:01:45,685 --> 01:01:46,725 by having vanilla sex? 1535 01:01:48,615 --> 01:01:51,685 Maybe Yes. That's, that's individual, right? Right. 1536 01:01:51,835 --> 01:01:53,645 Like there's no blanket answer. Mm-Hmm. 1537 01:01:54,325 --> 01:01:58,325 I mean, JB and I have, we always have kinky sex 1538 01:01:58,325 --> 01:02:00,405 because we're two people, kinky people who are having sex. 1539 01:02:00,945 --> 01:02:04,605 But also there's often elements of rough sex, 1540 01:02:04,895 --> 01:02:08,765 which is not necessarily BDSM Mm-Hmm. 1541 01:02:08,805 --> 01:02:11,125 . But can be like, I, I can make the argument 1542 01:02:11,125 --> 01:02:15,205 because I get way too nuanced and in the weeds , 1543 01:02:15,545 --> 01:02:18,085 but like, your average person might not consider 1544 01:02:18,185 --> 01:02:19,350 the kind of sex we have. 1545 01:02:19,825 --> 01:02:22,405 Um, anything other than k rough sex, 1546 01:02:22,625 --> 01:02:24,645 or they might call that vanilla sex. 1547 01:02:25,225 --> 01:02:27,485 Um, but we're two kinky people having sex. 1548 01:02:27,545 --> 01:02:28,925 So all of our sex is kinky 1549 01:02:28,925 --> 01:02:31,525 because for us, kink is our identity. 1550 01:02:32,025 --> 01:02:33,565 So, Mm-Hmm. , if we're doing anything, 1551 01:02:33,565 --> 01:02:35,605 it's kinky because kinky people are doing it. 1552 01:02:35,605 --> 01:02:39,205 Right. Um, our sex life 1553 01:02:39,955 --> 01:02:41,365 follows a certain pattern. 1554 01:02:42,185 --> 01:02:45,765 And so some people will define vanilla sex 1555 01:02:45,785 --> 01:02:47,165 as being kind of mundane. 1556 01:02:47,165 --> 01:02:49,325 And there's like a way it happens every time. 1557 01:02:49,325 --> 01:02:50,885 And you're not experimental 1558 01:02:50,905 --> 01:02:52,685 and you're not exploring, you're not trying new things. 1559 01:02:52,715 --> 01:02:54,805 Well, sometimes we're just old and tired 1560 01:02:55,265 --> 01:02:57,965 and look, we're gonna have sex in a spoon position, 1561 01:02:57,995 --> 01:03:00,125 penetrate penetration in a spoon position. 1562 01:03:00,665 --> 01:03:03,325 But you know, I'm, is my hair gonna get pulled? Yeah. 1563 01:03:03,985 --> 01:03:06,205 Is my ass probably gonna get smacked? Yeah. 1564 01:03:06,625 --> 01:03:07,925 And sometimes that's all it is. 1565 01:03:08,145 --> 01:03:09,645 And somebody else would call that vanilla, 1566 01:03:09,665 --> 01:03:11,045 but it is a very fulfilling sex person. 1567 01:03:11,225 --> 01:03:13,605 Now, sometimes I'm getting my face smacked, 1568 01:03:14,075 --> 01:03:15,885 like I am just a bad, bad girl, 1569 01:03:15,905 --> 01:03:17,165 and I fucking love that shit. 1570 01:03:17,765 --> 01:03:19,645 and . 1571 01:03:20,505 --> 01:03:22,965 And sometimes I'm ma being made to choke on a cock. 1572 01:03:23,025 --> 01:03:25,045 And I love that shit. . 1573 01:03:26,465 --> 01:03:28,085 But it's not, it's not a, 1574 01:03:28,085 --> 01:03:31,165 he didn't like string me up from the rafters of our ceiling 1575 01:03:31,425 --> 01:03:32,845 and beat me with a wet noodle. 1576 01:03:33,275 --> 01:03:34,485 It's not . 1577 01:03:34,485 --> 01:03:37,165 Like, what are you defining as vanilla sex? 1578 01:03:37,265 --> 01:03:39,685 If I'm having sex with a partner that I want to have sex 1579 01:03:39,685 --> 01:03:41,405 with, and it is good for both of us. 1580 01:03:41,545 --> 01:03:44,485 It is fulfilling. I don't fucking care what the flavor is. 1581 01:03:44,495 --> 01:03:48,845 Right. And I think there's this, you know, I, 1582 01:03:49,045 --> 01:03:52,245 I feel like I hear a little bit of fear from this person 1583 01:03:52,245 --> 01:03:54,005 that they're not gonna be enough for their partner. 1584 01:03:54,285 --> 01:03:55,965 'cause their partner wants kink elements. Mm-Hmm. 1585 01:03:56,005 --> 01:03:57,325 . I also feel like 1586 01:03:57,325 --> 01:03:58,965 that maybe when they posted this, 1587 01:03:58,965 --> 01:04:01,005 they had not had an in-depth conversation about 1588 01:04:01,005 --> 01:04:02,485 what their partner Jane means. 1589 01:04:02,625 --> 01:04:04,165 Mm-Hmm. to say, I wanna add 1590 01:04:04,285 --> 01:04:05,445 BDSM into our sex life. 1591 01:04:05,925 --> 01:04:09,325 I mean, that's like saying, I would like to add every color 1592 01:04:09,355 --> 01:04:14,285 that can be created in the universe into our home decor. 1593 01:04:14,515 --> 01:04:16,085 What the fuck does that mean? Right. 1594 01:04:16,315 --> 01:04:18,805 Like BDSM is such an umbrella term. Yeah. 1595 01:04:18,865 --> 01:04:22,085 The conversation to have is, okay, what do you mean by that? 1596 01:04:22,085 --> 01:04:23,525 Right. What are you looking for? 1597 01:04:24,195 --> 01:04:25,805 What kind of experience do you want to have? 1598 01:04:25,905 --> 01:04:29,485 And what, how can I participate in that? 1599 01:04:29,485 --> 01:04:31,485 Right. What does this look like to you? Right. 1600 01:04:31,485 --> 01:04:34,605 Because it's like, what if what they want is, you know, 1601 01:04:34,605 --> 01:04:36,725 to have their hair pulled and have their ass smacked. 1602 01:04:36,725 --> 01:04:38,485 Right. They want some spankings. Mm-Hmm. 1603 01:04:38,525 --> 01:04:39,965 , they want it to be rougher. 1604 01:04:39,965 --> 01:04:41,165 They want a little bit of paint, 1605 01:04:41,545 --> 01:04:46,085 but they don't, you know, this person has gone to, I have 1606 01:04:46,085 --> 01:04:49,365 to be the dmst dumb my partner's ever had. 1607 01:04:49,785 --> 01:04:51,205 And I don't think I can be that, 1608 01:04:52,265 --> 01:04:53,365 but have they had the conversation 1609 01:04:53,365 --> 01:04:54,485 about what their partner actually wants? 1610 01:04:54,825 --> 01:04:57,565 Yep. Yeah. Because it might be they've built it up in their 1611 01:04:57,565 --> 01:05:00,285 head to be way bigger than their partner 1612 01:05:00,345 --> 01:05:01,485 is currently envisioning. 1613 01:05:01,705 --> 01:05:06,085 The other thing is, um, you gotta start small anyway. Right? 1614 01:05:06,225 --> 01:05:08,805 So even if their partner does want the entire rainbow 1615 01:05:09,385 --> 01:05:13,685 of the colors that are BDSM in their home decor , um, 1616 01:05:15,305 --> 01:05:16,605 to beat an analogy to death. 1617 01:05:16,605 --> 01:05:20,565 Yeah. Um, you know, if they're experienced in kink, 1618 01:05:20,565 --> 01:05:22,205 there's a very good chance, hopefully 1619 01:05:22,205 --> 01:05:24,165 that they're aware we gotta start small here. 1620 01:05:24,225 --> 01:05:25,885 So like, here's what I'd love. Mm-Hmm. . 1621 01:05:25,885 --> 01:05:27,365 But here, here, let's just start with this. 1622 01:05:27,535 --> 01:05:29,165 Let's just try this. Mm-Hmm. 1623 01:05:29,205 --> 01:05:31,605 , you know, and that's another thing. 1624 01:05:31,885 --> 01:05:33,685 I don't hear this in this question. 1625 01:05:33,685 --> 01:05:37,125 This person has not said anything about their partner 1626 01:05:37,265 --> 01:05:39,965 who has the kink experience being part 1627 01:05:39,965 --> 01:05:41,365 of their educational process. 1628 01:05:41,585 --> 01:05:44,085 Mm-Hmm. . And maybe it's 1629 01:05:44,205 --> 01:05:45,645 'cause it hasn't occurred to them yet. 1630 01:05:46,505 --> 01:05:48,285 I'm thinking so, because if it had occurred to them 1631 01:05:48,285 --> 01:05:49,285 and they rejected it, I think they 1632 01:05:49,405 --> 01:05:49,925 probably would've said something. 1633 01:05:49,925 --> 01:05:51,085 And that is the thing to remember. 1634 01:05:51,385 --> 01:05:52,605 Hi knew 1635 01:05:52,865 --> 01:05:54,445 and emerging dominance 1636 01:05:54,525 --> 01:05:55,605 who don't know what the fuck you're doing. 1637 01:05:55,805 --> 01:05:57,925 Hmm. If your submissive has the experience 1638 01:05:57,985 --> 01:05:59,165 and your submissive is willing 1639 01:05:59,185 --> 01:06:00,805 and high submissives, I think you should be willing. 1640 01:06:01,585 --> 01:06:04,005 Let them fucking lead you. It's, it's a service. And 1641 01:06:04,005 --> 01:06:05,005 - That's act of service. 1642 01:06:05,005 --> 01:06:06,565 - Yes. It's an, even if you're not a service submissive 1643 01:06:06,625 --> 01:06:09,725 to be the one to lead your partner who is trying to be, 1644 01:06:09,725 --> 01:06:11,885 wants to be, you want them to be the dominant 1645 01:06:11,985 --> 01:06:16,045 or the top here that service that that can be submission. 1646 01:06:16,065 --> 01:06:18,165 You, you don't have to be bossy to do it. Right. 1647 01:06:18,285 --> 01:06:19,645 I mean, you can be, if that's your thing, 1648 01:06:20,085 --> 01:06:22,205 I probably wouldn't be, but, you know, that's how I am. 1649 01:06:22,665 --> 01:06:24,125 Um, . But yeah. 1650 01:06:24,125 --> 01:06:26,005 Like lean on the more experienced partner 1651 01:06:26,185 --> 01:06:27,685 to point you in the right direction. 1652 01:06:27,755 --> 01:06:29,005 Yeah. You know, and to tell you 1653 01:06:29,005 --> 01:06:30,125 what the fuck they're envisioning. 1654 01:06:32,085 --> 01:06:33,125 I think we overthink things, 1655 01:06:33,125 --> 01:06:35,125 especially when we're not feeling confident. Mm-Hmm. 1656 01:06:35,165 --> 01:06:37,405 - . Mm-Hmm. - . Okay. One more. 1657 01:06:38,025 --> 01:06:41,685 - And I have to, um, - Okay. And we have to let a cat out. 1658 01:06:41,705 --> 01:06:44,445 Who has forgotten Yeah. How the windows work. 1659 01:06:44,515 --> 01:06:46,365 This is a cat that just came in through the window 1660 01:06:46,905 --> 01:06:48,565 and needs to go out the door. 1661 01:06:49,595 --> 01:06:51,685 This last one is kind of fun. Okay. 1662 01:06:51,795 --> 01:06:56,605 This last one, um, feels right based on, um, 1663 01:06:57,395 --> 01:07:00,805 what I've been doing a lot of lately, title, 1664 01:07:01,145 --> 01:07:02,565 am I into these kinks 1665 01:07:02,565 --> 01:07:04,885 or am I just being influenced by the things I read? 1666 01:07:05,325 --> 01:07:06,685 . Okay. 1667 01:07:08,205 --> 01:07:10,485 Recently, I've had a few revelations about some kinks 1668 01:07:10,485 --> 01:07:12,925 that were previously completely off the table for me. 1669 01:07:13,265 --> 01:07:14,845 The two biggest ones being anal 1670 01:07:14,845 --> 01:07:15,965 and spanking, which were two, 1671 01:07:16,045 --> 01:07:17,885 I had completely rejected the idea of. 1672 01:07:18,235 --> 01:07:19,925 However, in the last couple months, 1673 01:07:20,125 --> 01:07:22,405 I found myself slowly becoming more intrigued. 1674 01:07:22,705 --> 01:07:23,725 In the last few months though, 1675 01:07:23,755 --> 01:07:26,845 I've also been consuming more BDSM erotica, 1676 01:07:27,025 --> 01:07:29,965 and I'm uncertain if this is just a passing phase due 1677 01:07:29,965 --> 01:07:31,165 to the constant consuming 1678 01:07:31,165 --> 01:07:33,165 of content involving those kinks in it. 1679 01:07:33,635 --> 01:07:36,525 Like, can you get sort of drunk off of reading erotica 1680 01:07:36,525 --> 01:07:39,125 to the point of tricking yourself into thinking you enjoy a 1681 01:07:39,125 --> 01:07:40,365 kink when maybe you don't. 1682 01:07:41,065 --> 01:07:42,485 Uh, so sorry if anyone feels like, 1683 01:07:42,485 --> 01:07:43,565 maybe my question is silly, but 1684 01:07:43,565 --> 01:07:44,605 I didn't know where else to go. 1685 01:07:45,325 --> 01:07:46,525 - . - So there's, 1686 01:07:46,725 --> 01:07:48,725 I actually have a lot of thoughts Okay. 1687 01:07:48,745 --> 01:07:49,765 Uh, on this. What 1688 01:07:49,765 --> 01:07:51,365 - Are your, um, what are your thoughts? 1689 01:07:51,365 --> 01:07:54,885 You know, my, my initial thoughts are, you know, in, 1690 01:07:54,945 --> 01:07:57,325 in reading this, you know, 1691 01:07:57,325 --> 01:08:00,845 or in reading the, the erotica that you are reading 1692 01:08:00,875 --> 01:08:04,805 that has BDSM elements to it, um, 1693 01:08:05,655 --> 01:08:06,725 she's scratching her back. 1694 01:08:07,305 --> 01:08:10,885 Go ahead. And, uh, you know. Yeah. 1695 01:08:10,985 --> 01:08:15,125 It, it is entirely possible to become curious, inquisitive. 1696 01:08:15,305 --> 01:08:16,485 Mm-Hmm. about it all. 1697 01:08:17,265 --> 01:08:21,645 Um, and, 1698 01:08:22,185 --> 01:08:24,125 you know, there's only one way you're gonna find out 1699 01:08:25,465 --> 01:08:27,045 if you dip your toes in and try it. 1700 01:08:27,275 --> 01:08:31,285 - Yeah. - Probably. Yeah. And, and you know what? 1701 01:08:31,385 --> 01:08:34,325 It, you may be like, okay, 1702 01:08:34,465 --> 01:08:36,125 I'd rather this just stay in the books 1703 01:08:36,125 --> 01:08:37,485 that I'm reading, or, you know. 1704 01:08:37,585 --> 01:08:38,605 Mm-Hmm. . Oh, yeah. 1705 01:08:38,625 --> 01:08:40,485 You know, there's something to this. Right. 1706 01:08:40,665 --> 01:08:42,485 You know, so it could go either way. 1707 01:08:45,195 --> 01:08:46,445 - Okay. My turn. Okay. Because, 1708 01:08:46,465 --> 01:08:47,605 you know, I had thoughts all . 1709 01:08:47,805 --> 01:08:48,925 - I know. So first 1710 01:08:48,945 --> 01:08:51,405 - Of all, and I don't, I can't categorize these in any 1711 01:08:51,405 --> 01:08:53,325 order, so they're gonna be, they're not in order 1712 01:08:53,345 --> 01:08:56,925 of importance, first of all, oh, thanks 1713 01:08:56,925 --> 01:08:57,925 for tipping the tripod. 1714 01:08:58,015 --> 01:09:01,925 First of all, my first question would've been, 1715 01:09:02,235 --> 01:09:04,605 what did you think of anal and spanking 1716 01:09:04,605 --> 01:09:07,245 and what that entailed before you started reading anything? 1717 01:09:07,245 --> 01:09:10,445 Because sometimes what happens 1718 01:09:10,755 --> 01:09:13,245 with a thing we thought was completely off limits, 1719 01:09:13,305 --> 01:09:15,325 and now we're open to, it's 1720 01:09:15,325 --> 01:09:17,525 because we have found out through fiction 1721 01:09:17,905 --> 01:09:22,765 or nonfiction that the way it can occur 1722 01:09:23,425 --> 01:09:25,165 was not what we originally imagined. 1723 01:09:25,425 --> 01:09:29,325 We had a very narrow definition of what those things were. 1724 01:09:30,065 --> 01:09:32,765 And by reading stories or watching people 1725 01:09:32,825 --> 01:09:35,845 or whatever, we learned that it is much more than 1726 01:09:35,845 --> 01:09:37,365 what we originally conceived of. 1727 01:09:37,625 --> 01:09:39,285 And some of those different ways 1728 01:09:39,425 --> 01:09:41,685 of doing it intrigue us in ways 1729 01:09:41,685 --> 01:09:43,125 that our original thought did not. 1730 01:09:43,465 --> 01:09:45,205 So that's one thing. Two, 1731 01:09:46,225 --> 01:09:49,565 you abso fucking lly can be turned on by something you read 1732 01:09:49,785 --> 01:09:51,325 and not actually want to do it in real life. 1733 01:09:51,325 --> 01:09:52,845 Mm-Hmm. , I am turned on 1734 01:09:52,845 --> 01:09:55,845 by some real dark fucking shit sometimes . 1735 01:09:56,205 --> 01:09:58,005 I don't want that anywhere near me. 1736 01:09:58,485 --> 01:10:00,365 I mean, I, I recognize the internet loves 1737 01:10:00,365 --> 01:10:01,405 to call something a kink 1738 01:10:01,405 --> 01:10:03,565 because it turns you on even though you don't want do it. 1739 01:10:03,565 --> 01:10:04,685 And it is, it can be a kink. 1740 01:10:04,685 --> 01:10:06,645 You don't have to do something for it to be a kink. 1741 01:10:07,105 --> 01:10:09,925 But when people reading books are talking about their quote, 1742 01:10:10,225 --> 01:10:13,725 new kinks, they're talking about it from the, this, 1743 01:10:13,875 --> 01:10:15,525 this is sexy as a fantasy, 1744 01:10:16,105 --> 01:10:18,165 but I don't actually want to engage in it. 1745 01:10:19,025 --> 01:10:21,485 Yes, it's a legitimate kink, it's fine, it's fine. 1746 01:10:21,665 --> 01:10:24,045 But it's like, it's very narrow view of kink. 1747 01:10:24,365 --> 01:10:27,725 And, and we as sters tend to go much deeper than that. 1748 01:10:28,385 --> 01:10:29,805 So that is also true. 1749 01:10:33,055 --> 01:10:34,765 Third, did I have a third thought? 1750 01:10:35,925 --> 01:10:40,245 I, I would love to know what BDSM erotica she's reading. 1751 01:10:40,245 --> 01:10:43,805 Because my concern would be, are you reading things 1752 01:10:44,075 --> 01:10:46,365 that can actually happen right. 1753 01:10:46,925 --> 01:10:50,045 ? Or are you reading such fantastical things 1754 01:10:50,075 --> 01:10:52,645 that some of us who are kinky would be like, no, that's, 1755 01:10:52,985 --> 01:10:54,085 - No, that's not, uh, 1756 01:10:54,425 --> 01:10:56,925 - The physics on earth just do not allow for that to happen. 1757 01:10:56,925 --> 01:10:58,405 Mm-Hmm. . But I'm glad that's turning you on. 1758 01:10:58,515 --> 01:10:59,965 Yeah. Um, but also, 1759 01:11:00,025 --> 01:11:02,605 and somebody said it in the comments on this Reddit post, 1760 01:11:03,505 --> 01:11:04,885 you can be into those kinks 1761 01:11:04,905 --> 01:11:07,565 and be influenced by what you're reading. 1762 01:11:07,675 --> 01:11:10,885 Both can be true. And it's not bad to be influenced. 1763 01:11:11,565 --> 01:11:15,645 I did not know there was a word called submission in, in a, 1764 01:11:15,705 --> 01:11:16,765 the way we use it here. 1765 01:11:17,105 --> 01:11:19,045 And I did not know I was one 1766 01:11:19,175 --> 01:11:22,125 until I started reading other people's experiences 1767 01:11:22,265 --> 01:11:23,365 and it opened my eyes 1768 01:11:23,625 --> 01:11:25,125 and my mind up to concepts 1769 01:11:25,195 --> 01:11:27,165 that I had not previously thought of. 1770 01:11:27,175 --> 01:11:28,605 Right. Could not have thought about it 1771 01:11:28,605 --> 01:11:31,685 until I was introduced to it in some way. 1772 01:11:31,865 --> 01:11:34,245 So yes, what I read influenced me, 1773 01:11:34,385 --> 01:11:35,965 but it didn't make me something 1774 01:11:35,965 --> 01:11:38,685 that I'm not already, I was that Mm-Hmm. 1775 01:11:38,725 --> 01:11:41,445 , I just didn't understand a part of myself. 1776 01:11:41,505 --> 01:11:44,125 And I found something that explained me and I went, oh shit. 1777 01:11:44,195 --> 01:11:46,325 Yeah. Yeah. And then through practicing it 1778 01:11:46,545 --> 01:11:50,245 and trying it, then I went, oh, this is who I am. Yeah. Um, 1779 01:11:50,685 --> 01:11:53,045 - I mean, you know, there, 1780 01:11:53,055 --> 01:11:55,005 there are some things obviously Yes. 1781 01:11:55,185 --> 01:11:59,005 You, you read in, in erotic fiction 1782 01:11:59,865 --> 01:12:01,645 and you know what Yeah. 1783 01:12:01,675 --> 01:12:02,805 That there, some of 1784 01:12:02,805 --> 01:12:05,085 that shit should never see the light of day. Right. 1785 01:12:05,085 --> 01:12:06,685 - Right. It's illegal. You would go 1786 01:12:06,685 --> 01:12:08,085 to jail if you know those 1787 01:12:08,365 --> 01:12:09,365 - Things. 1788 01:12:09,365 --> 01:12:10,365 Right. You know, um, 1789 01:12:10,585 --> 01:12:12,685 but what they, they're talking about there, you know, 1790 01:12:12,685 --> 01:12:15,085 trying anal, trying spanking, I mean, 1791 01:12:16,975 --> 01:12:20,325 those are pretty fairly common. 1792 01:12:20,795 --> 01:12:24,645 Yeah. Thing maybe, you know, um, still kinky, 1793 01:12:25,145 --> 01:12:28,765 but you know, there is nothing wrong 1794 01:12:29,115 --> 01:12:30,205 with trying it. 1795 01:12:30,205 --> 01:12:33,285 Mm-Hmm. as long as they educate themselves 1796 01:12:34,265 --> 01:12:36,765 in the way to do it properly. Right. 1797 01:12:37,145 --> 01:12:40,085 - To me, it'd be like the, to me, one 1798 01:12:40,085 --> 01:12:41,605 of the e easiest air quote that, 1799 01:12:41,805 --> 01:12:42,805 'cause it's gonna be personal for everybody. 1800 01:12:42,985 --> 01:12:45,525 The easiest ways to go is this just something I like in this 1801 01:12:45,725 --> 01:12:48,445 book I'm reading, or am I interested in this Yeah. 1802 01:12:48,785 --> 01:12:50,325 Is to take it outta your book for a minute 1803 01:12:50,345 --> 01:12:51,405 and just go to the internet 1804 01:12:51,505 --> 01:12:54,925 and do a quick search maybe on exactly the kind 1805 01:12:54,925 --> 01:12:55,925 of scenario you're reading. 1806 01:12:55,925 --> 01:12:58,245 Because somebody else, assuming again, 1807 01:12:58,385 --> 01:13:00,165 an author has not lost the plot 1808 01:13:00,165 --> 01:13:01,245 and is trying to do something that 1809 01:13:01,265 --> 01:13:02,685 cannot exist in real life. 1810 01:13:03,425 --> 01:13:05,605 You know, somebody else has probably talked about that 1811 01:13:05,665 --> 01:13:07,205 or will talk about how you can do that 1812 01:13:07,385 --> 01:13:10,805 or, you know, we'll have fact hopefully factual 1813 01:13:10,915 --> 01:13:12,445 information about how it works. 1814 01:13:12,825 --> 01:13:15,245 And if when you read the factual information about 1815 01:13:15,265 --> 01:13:18,085 how it works and you go, yeah, maybe, 1816 01:13:18,505 --> 01:13:19,925 you know, I'm still kind of intrigued. 1817 01:13:19,995 --> 01:13:22,325 It's not as sexy as that thing I was reading, but Right. 1818 01:13:22,875 --> 01:13:25,525 Okay. It, I see how this could work 1819 01:13:26,505 --> 01:13:29,245 if you're still interested in, you know, maybe bringing up 1820 01:13:29,245 --> 01:13:30,285 with a partner, maybe trying 1821 01:13:30,285 --> 01:13:31,525 it yourself, whatever, whatever. 1822 01:13:32,085 --> 01:13:33,885 I think that's another indication 1823 01:13:34,075 --> 01:13:37,005 that this isn't just a thing you wanna read about 1824 01:13:37,755 --> 01:13:39,925 that you would never want to experience in real life. 1825 01:13:39,925 --> 01:13:41,325 Yeah. You know? Yeah. Those, 1826 01:13:43,055 --> 01:13:43,765 those things 1827 01:13:47,155 --> 01:13:48,145 exist. , 1828 01:13:48,705 --> 01:13:50,825 - , - I'm thinking about some of the shit I've read 1829 01:13:50,845 --> 01:13:53,625 and I'm like, yeah, no, that wouldn't, that wouldn't 1830 01:13:53,625 --> 01:13:55,185 that I wouldn't let that anywhere near me 1831 01:13:55,185 --> 01:13:56,065 and then I would press charges 1832 01:13:56,085 --> 01:13:57,225 on anybody who did that to me. 1833 01:13:57,525 --> 01:14:00,985 Um, but I still am turned on by it. Mm-Hmm. . 1834 01:14:00,985 --> 01:14:02,465 And I, you know, and I think there's also, 1835 01:14:03,465 --> 01:14:07,225 I wanna be careful because I think that a thing, 1836 01:14:07,305 --> 01:14:08,545 I said it earlier, I wanna say it again. 1837 01:14:08,545 --> 01:14:11,845 I wanna be clear. You can have a kink for a thing 1838 01:14:12,835 --> 01:14:14,485 that you have not actively tried 1839 01:14:14,485 --> 01:14:15,765 and are not sure you would ever try. 1840 01:14:15,825 --> 01:14:19,325 You can have a thing that you maybe would really like to try 1841 01:14:19,425 --> 01:14:20,925 or if it was physically possible Mm-Hmm. 1842 01:14:20,965 --> 01:14:22,005 or if you had a partner, or 1843 01:14:22,005 --> 01:14:23,125 if you just lived a different life. 1844 01:14:23,865 --> 01:14:27,845 But also some things are just turn-ons when you read them 1845 01:14:27,865 --> 01:14:29,805 and they're not actually kinks. 1846 01:14:30,145 --> 01:14:31,365 Mm-Hmm. . Right? Yeah. 1847 01:14:31,365 --> 01:14:35,605 Like, you know, a kink is typically defined 1848 01:14:35,625 --> 01:14:39,165 as being an activity that you do versus a fetish, 1849 01:14:39,165 --> 01:14:42,805 which is this thing you is, uh, is typically required 1850 01:14:42,945 --> 01:14:46,485 for sexual arousal and or pleasure. 1851 01:14:46,485 --> 01:14:50,405 Right. You get off on it when you, when you encounter it, 1852 01:14:50,545 --> 01:14:53,045 it is part of the arousal process for you. 1853 01:14:53,045 --> 01:14:56,245 Right. Those definitions are sort of shifting 1854 01:14:57,045 --> 01:15:00,205 a bit depending on who you talk to as language changes 1855 01:15:00,345 --> 01:15:02,325 and shifts and more people come into the kink world. 1856 01:15:02,945 --> 01:15:06,325 But in general, the kink is the activity, 1857 01:15:06,585 --> 01:15:08,325 the fetish is sexual, and you can, 1858 01:15:08,525 --> 01:15:10,165 'cause you can do a kink, cannot not be sexually aroused. 1859 01:15:10,165 --> 01:15:11,925 You can do a kink and be sexually aroused. Mm-Hmm. 1860 01:15:11,965 --> 01:15:13,525 . But a fetish is usually classified 1861 01:15:13,545 --> 01:15:14,725 by sexual arousal. 1862 01:15:14,725 --> 01:15:18,925 Right. Reading something that you define as kinky 1863 01:15:18,925 --> 01:15:20,845 and being turned on by it. 1864 01:15:20,845 --> 01:15:24,205 Mm-Hmm. is not always, 1865 01:15:24,465 --> 01:15:28,685 and not necessarily the same as being a kink you want to do 1866 01:15:28,865 --> 01:15:30,725 and it being your kink. 1867 01:15:31,025 --> 01:15:35,005 Unless, like Junie said in, um, the live chat 1868 01:15:35,035 --> 01:15:37,085 that your kink can be just reading Kinky 1869 01:15:37,165 --> 01:15:38,245 Smut and I'm down for that. 1870 01:15:38,315 --> 01:15:40,965 Yeah. Reading kinky smut is the activity. Right. 1871 01:15:41,865 --> 01:15:46,445 So that's semantics and that's like Yeah. 1872 01:15:46,745 --> 01:15:49,845 Way in the fucking weeds of what words mean, whatever 1873 01:15:50,675 --> 01:15:53,445 overall, yes, your reading can influence you, 1874 01:15:53,445 --> 01:15:54,525 but that is not a bad thing. 1875 01:15:54,595 --> 01:15:55,805 It's automatically negative. 1876 01:15:56,065 --> 01:15:58,885 The, the beauty of reading in whatever form that takes, 1877 01:15:59,245 --> 01:16:00,845 physical books, audiobooks, eBooks. 1878 01:16:00,885 --> 01:16:02,365 I don't give a magazine. 1879 01:16:02,485 --> 01:16:05,965 I don't give a fuck how you read reading the perspective 1880 01:16:06,905 --> 01:16:09,605 of a fictional character or a real human being 1881 01:16:09,665 --> 01:16:11,245 and the experiences they're having 1882 01:16:11,245 --> 01:16:13,925 because the writer put them down into words in some way, 1883 01:16:15,535 --> 01:16:18,005 opens up doors in your own mind 1884 01:16:18,005 --> 01:16:20,365 and imagination that you could not have done without 1885 01:16:20,755 --> 01:16:22,605 that author doing that thing 1886 01:16:22,605 --> 01:16:23,765 and putting those words together 1887 01:16:25,195 --> 01:16:28,005 that you can be affected in a positive way. 1888 01:16:28,005 --> 01:16:31,885 In this case, a sexual way is about you as the reader 1889 01:16:31,885 --> 01:16:33,445 and how what it touches within you 1890 01:16:33,745 --> 01:16:36,325 and the power of that author and what they fucking shared 1891 01:16:36,705 --> 01:16:37,845 and the thing that turns you on 1892 01:16:37,935 --> 01:16:39,205 might not turn on somebody else. 1893 01:16:39,715 --> 01:16:41,725 It's, it's, you know, unique to the person. 1894 01:16:42,585 --> 01:16:43,765 So please be, 1895 01:16:43,985 --> 01:16:46,285 to some extent be influenced by what the fuck you're reading. 1896 01:16:46,285 --> 01:16:48,605 That's, that's a, that's a, uh, 1897 01:16:48,675 --> 01:16:50,925 honored tradition in reading . 1898 01:16:50,965 --> 01:16:53,485 I, that's why reading works so well. 1899 01:16:53,825 --> 01:16:55,485 We are influenced Mm-Hmm. 1900 01:16:55,525 --> 01:16:58,885 , um, the way to know if it's just a thing 1901 01:16:58,885 --> 01:17:00,565 that needs to stay in the pages for you 1902 01:17:00,665 --> 01:17:02,445 or a thing you might explore is Yeah. 1903 01:17:02,585 --> 01:17:06,365 To go learn. I, I really think learn about it a little bit. 1904 01:17:06,365 --> 01:17:08,165 Mm-Hmm. . And if you're immediately turned off 1905 01:17:08,185 --> 01:17:09,845 by the practicalities of it, 1906 01:17:10,025 --> 01:17:11,885 it might just be a fantasy thing for you. 1907 01:17:11,995 --> 01:17:14,845 Yeah. If you are intrigued by the practicalities of it 1908 01:17:14,845 --> 01:17:16,285 and go, this is doable. 1909 01:17:16,355 --> 01:17:19,245 Yeah. I'm still, yeah. I'm still turned on. Okay. 1910 01:17:19,595 --> 01:17:20,925 Then I think you go to the next step 1911 01:17:20,925 --> 01:17:23,005 and go, Hey, do I have a willing partner in my life who'll 1912 01:17:23,005 --> 01:17:24,125 he'll try some of this with me? 1913 01:17:24,225 --> 01:17:27,365 Or is some of this stuff I can do on my own to see 1914 01:17:27,365 --> 01:17:28,845 how I feel about it by myself, 1915 01:17:29,505 --> 01:17:31,885 but to, you know, I kind of worry that this person is, 1916 01:17:32,075 --> 01:17:34,485 there's, I get a sense of like embarrassment 1917 01:17:34,505 --> 01:17:36,405 or shame that Mm-Hmm. 1918 01:17:36,445 --> 01:17:37,565 their kinks might be 1919 01:17:37,565 --> 01:17:38,765 influenced by what they read. 1920 01:17:38,875 --> 01:17:41,085 Yeah. But if you didn't know a kink even fucking existed 1921 01:17:41,145 --> 01:17:44,245 or a way of expressing the kink you had, 1922 01:17:44,785 --> 01:17:46,165 how would you have learned otherwise? 1923 01:17:47,325 --> 01:17:50,365 I mean, how many people have we come across in life 1924 01:17:50,385 --> 01:17:52,005 who are like, I'm definitely not kinky, 1925 01:17:52,065 --> 01:17:54,405 or, that is definitely a hard limit. 1926 01:17:54,905 --> 01:17:57,245 And they've defined that thing in 1927 01:17:57,245 --> 01:17:59,405 through a narrow lens of how they understand it. 1928 01:17:59,405 --> 01:18:01,725 Mm-Hmm. . And then they learn all the different 1929 01:18:01,725 --> 01:18:02,885 ways you can experience it 1930 01:18:02,945 --> 01:18:06,605 and they go, wait, maybe I'm into that thing. 1931 01:18:06,795 --> 01:18:09,085 It's like Yeah. 'cause your eyes got opened by 1932 01:18:09,435 --> 01:18:12,245 outside influence of learning more about the thing. 1933 01:18:12,295 --> 01:18:14,525 Right. Does that mean the kink didn't exist? 1934 01:18:14,525 --> 01:18:17,045 Or is it that I implanted it into your mind? 1935 01:18:17,285 --> 01:18:20,845 I, all we did was widen your horizons a little bit. 1936 01:18:20,865 --> 01:18:23,645 That's all. Yeah. And then you decided what you like Uhhuh, 1937 01:18:23,695 --> 01:18:24,695 - Uhhuh . 1938 01:18:24,865 --> 01:18:28,485 - So anyway, 1939 01:18:30,665 --> 01:18:32,165 anyway, that was the last one. 1940 01:18:32,225 --> 01:18:36,405 Mm-Hmm. . This was, um, very chaotic. 1941 01:18:36,955 --> 01:18:41,445 Yeah. Um, the, the dog and cats 1942 01:18:41,905 --> 01:18:43,605 and our attention to them did not help. 1943 01:18:43,665 --> 01:18:46,605 Mm-Hmm. We can do a bonus section. 1944 01:18:46,915 --> 01:18:49,965 - Okay. - And yeah. 1945 01:18:51,025 --> 01:18:53,365 - So, um, are we good? I 1946 01:18:53,375 --> 01:18:54,375 - Dunno. 1947 01:18:54,375 --> 01:18:56,445 I don't know. We're chaotic. Well, if nothing else that 1948 01:18:56,475 --> 01:18:57,645 - Goes well saying - Mm-Hmm. 1949 01:18:57,725 --> 01:18:58,725 . 1950 01:18:59,435 --> 01:19:01,845 - Keep it, keep it kinky, - Y'all. I'll see you next week. 1951 01:19:11,505 --> 01:19:12,285 Do Hey. 1952 01:19:12,905 --> 01:19:14,805 - Yes baby girl. - Can we talk to the crickets? 1953 01:19:16,035 --> 01:19:19,805 - Sure. Okay. , - Uh, what are we talking about? 1954 01:19:21,355 --> 01:19:22,685 - Life, the universe and everything. 1955 01:19:23,785 --> 01:19:26,205 - The answer's 42. Yeah. - Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. 1956 01:19:26,245 --> 01:19:28,045 - . Um, I felt really good that year. 1957 01:19:28,165 --> 01:19:29,405 I was 42 . 1958 01:19:29,585 --> 01:19:33,085 Um, uh, I feel less good now that I'm 44 . 1959 01:19:33,645 --> 01:19:35,605 - I don't remember. 42 1960 01:19:35,995 --> 01:19:36,995 - Stop. 1961 01:19:36,995 --> 01:19:37,765 That was only 20 years ago. 1962 01:19:38,765 --> 01:19:42,605 I mean, 20 years ago I was at least technically a legal 1963 01:19:42,735 --> 01:19:44,845 adult, so Ha ha. 1964 01:19:45,485 --> 01:19:45,525 . 1965 01:19:52,165 --> 01:19:55,625 Um, no. What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? 1966 01:19:55,955 --> 01:19:58,185 Chaos and stress. Stress and chaos. Mm-Hmm. . 1967 01:19:58,565 --> 01:20:03,425 Uh, that's about it. Um, Lola's a giant potato. 1968 01:20:03,805 --> 01:20:07,685 Yep. Uh, Onyx is a menace. Mm-Hmm. . Oh my God. 1969 01:20:07,755 --> 01:20:10,805 Okay. Anybody who has cats knows, you know what cats do 1970 01:20:10,805 --> 01:20:12,205 and I'm so sorry if you don't have cats 1971 01:20:12,465 --> 01:20:13,725 and find this repulsive, 1972 01:20:13,745 --> 01:20:18,565 but you know how they Throw up fur balls, right? 1973 01:20:18,665 --> 01:20:21,925 And they make that sound. That's I'm not right. Yeah. 1974 01:20:21,985 --> 01:20:23,085 And then you find messes 1975 01:20:23,085 --> 01:20:24,845 because our cats love 1976 01:20:24,945 --> 01:20:26,805 to hack up a fur ball in the middle of the night. 1977 01:20:27,465 --> 01:20:30,205 But sometimes when you are a person who has 1978 01:20:31,145 --> 01:20:35,485 six foot plus shelving in your office area 1979 01:20:35,715 --> 01:20:38,685 that holds inventory and supplies, 1980 01:20:39,265 --> 01:20:41,205 and you have a cat who likes to jump 1981 01:20:41,205 --> 01:20:44,925 to the highest point in any given room and does frequently. 1982 01:20:44,955 --> 01:20:48,125 Yeah. You too can have the experience of watching 1983 01:20:48,675 --> 01:20:51,925 your cat start hacking up a fur ball on the top shelf 1984 01:20:51,925 --> 01:20:54,085 that you are not even tall enough to see the top of 1985 01:20:54,485 --> 01:20:58,645 - - And chase her from the side 1986 01:20:58,645 --> 01:21:00,525 that had a whole bunch of cardboard boxes that would 1987 01:21:01,085 --> 01:21:03,285 absolutely be ruined by that. 1988 01:21:04,315 --> 01:21:06,565 Over to a more empty spot, 1989 01:21:07,505 --> 01:21:10,725 but still no less grotesque and hard to reach. 1990 01:21:10,905 --> 01:21:13,885 And we'll get the stepladder out for, and 1991 01:21:13,885 --> 01:21:14,885 - I will look up there today. 1992 01:21:14,885 --> 01:21:15,865 So, 1993 01:21:16,785 --> 01:21:18,565 - And she looked at me the whole time. 1994 01:21:18,585 --> 01:21:21,805 I'm going, no Onyx Onyx. No, no. I can't reach her. 1995 01:21:21,925 --> 01:21:24,165 I can't pull her down. She doesn't let you pick her up. 1996 01:21:24,165 --> 01:21:26,405 Anyway, if my hands had gone out, she'd have gone 1997 01:21:26,405 --> 01:21:29,405 to the furthest corner, which would be on top of other boxes 1998 01:21:29,505 --> 01:21:31,765 and behind stuff, which would be harder to find. 1999 01:21:32,065 --> 01:21:33,245 So I had to watch her 2000 01:21:33,545 --> 01:21:35,525 and act like this was a hostage negotiation 2001 01:21:35,525 --> 01:21:37,965 and I couldn't move too fast 2002 01:21:39,665 --> 01:21:41,285 and just go Onyx Onyx. 2003 01:21:41,545 --> 01:21:43,565 No, Onyx. Onyx. Onyx. 2004 01:21:43,725 --> 01:21:45,805 I don't know what I thought I was doing. Yeah. 2005 01:21:46,165 --> 01:21:48,525 I was kind of hoping that I could make her nervous enough 2006 01:21:48,525 --> 01:21:49,805 that she would just jump the fuck down. 2007 01:21:49,915 --> 01:21:53,685 Like, do I want a fur ball yacked up on my carpet? No. 2008 01:21:54,025 --> 01:21:57,165 But do I want to have to get up on top of something 2009 01:21:58,465 --> 01:21:59,485 to clean it up to clean it? 2010 01:21:59,825 --> 01:22:00,825 No. 2011 01:22:06,835 --> 01:22:10,885 - Yeah. - So 2012 01:22:12,835 --> 01:22:13,845 Yeah, that was Mm-Hmm. 2013 01:22:13,885 --> 01:22:16,965 that was my, uh, afternoon yesterday. 2014 01:22:17,315 --> 01:22:19,005 That was delightful. Yeah. 2015 01:22:19,985 --> 01:22:23,965 Um, um, yeah, 2016 01:22:23,995 --> 01:22:25,445 it's been kind of, it's been hectic. 2017 01:22:25,515 --> 01:22:27,325 It's been stressful, but it's all been work related. Yeah. 2018 01:22:27,325 --> 01:22:30,125 It's not been, I mean, not, we haven't done anything Mm-Hmm. 2019 01:22:30,305 --> 01:22:33,885 We saw the, uh, oldest over the weekend. Mm-Hmm. 2020 01:22:33,925 --> 01:22:36,445 . Um, he, he texted 2021 01:22:36,445 --> 01:22:38,125 and was like, Hey, can you come? 2022 01:22:38,625 --> 01:22:40,285 You know, can you come take me to the store? 2023 01:22:40,565 --> 01:22:42,485 'cause he is got his motorcycle, but he's only gonna fit 2024 01:22:42,485 --> 01:22:44,485 what he can carry in a backpack on that. Right. He can't 2025 01:22:44,485 --> 01:22:45,485 - Fit big - Things. 2026 01:22:45,485 --> 01:22:46,845 And he was like, I need to get some stuff in bulk. 2027 01:22:47,025 --> 01:22:48,445 And that's all he said. 2028 01:22:48,445 --> 01:22:50,205 And I should have asked the follow-up question of, 2029 01:22:50,225 --> 01:22:51,565 do you mean let's go to Sam's 2030 01:22:51,565 --> 01:22:54,085 or do you just need more than what can fit in your backpack? 2031 01:22:54,785 --> 01:22:56,445 We get there and I'm ready to go to Aldi. 2032 01:22:56,445 --> 01:22:58,125 And he's like, no, I needed to go to Sam's mom. 2033 01:22:58,265 --> 01:23:00,085 I'm like, let's go to Sam's. 2034 01:23:00,585 --> 01:23:03,365 Um, he bought four whole things that I cannot imagine 2035 01:23:03,365 --> 01:23:07,045 that life I have never Once, once we went into a Sam's Club 2036 01:23:07,545 --> 01:23:10,045 and didn't fill up at least half of a grocery card, 2037 01:23:10,145 --> 01:23:12,565 - We, we have gone once. One time we bought 2038 01:23:12,565 --> 01:23:16,525 - Cat food - And cat food was a dog food, one or the other. 2039 01:23:16,665 --> 01:23:18,605 It was, it was fur baby food. It 2040 01:23:18,605 --> 01:23:19,605 - Was something for - Yeah. 2041 01:23:19,605 --> 01:23:20,925 Something around the fur babies. 2042 01:23:21,585 --> 01:23:23,525 But that was the only time Mm-Hmm. . 2043 01:23:24,185 --> 01:23:26,525 - And I'm like, damn. And yet he still spent $70 2044 01:23:26,845 --> 01:23:27,845 - . 2045 01:23:27,845 --> 01:23:30,285 Yeah. Like, bought a case of energy drinks, 2046 01:23:30,575 --> 01:23:31,845 - Which is still cheaper than the 2047 01:23:31,845 --> 01:23:32,965 way he usually buys the I know. 2048 01:23:33,065 --> 01:23:34,765 One off at the gas station. So I know, I know. 2049 01:23:34,985 --> 01:23:36,325 He was, you know, 2050 01:23:36,795 --> 01:23:38,805 college kid math, he was saving money. Right. 2051 01:23:39,085 --> 01:23:42,125 - . Um, - So yeah, we, we ran 2052 01:23:42,125 --> 01:23:43,405 around town to a few stores. 2053 01:23:43,505 --> 01:23:46,085 Mm-Hmm. . And he knows that we are not in a, 2054 01:23:46,285 --> 01:23:47,685 I want to be, I want to be a parent 2055 01:23:47,685 --> 01:23:49,205 that can swoop into town, take my kid 2056 01:23:49,205 --> 01:23:51,125 to all the stores he wants to go to, swipe my card, 2057 01:23:51,355 --> 01:23:52,685 take him to lunch, have a good time. 2058 01:23:52,985 --> 01:23:54,525 We are not living that life right now. No. 2059 01:23:54,525 --> 01:23:56,045 And he knows that. So he is buying his groceries 2060 01:23:56,785 --> 01:23:58,645 and he goes, we're in Walmart. 2061 01:23:58,825 --> 01:24:02,685 And he goes, uh, I'm hungry. Can we do something about that? 2062 01:24:03,105 --> 01:24:04,125 And J b's looking at me 2063 01:24:04,125 --> 01:24:05,525 and I'm looking at him and I'm doing quick math. 2064 01:24:05,585 --> 01:24:06,965 I'm like, yeah, we, we can make that work. 2065 01:24:06,985 --> 01:24:08,525 We can, this is where we're going. We can make it work. 2066 01:24:08,945 --> 01:24:10,245 So we did. We got something to eat. 2067 01:24:10,425 --> 01:24:13,285 And then when we went to Aldi, we did not get 2068 01:24:13,285 --> 01:24:15,325 to do our normal weekend grocery shopping. 2069 01:24:15,345 --> 01:24:16,485 And we are creatures of habit. 2070 01:24:16,955 --> 01:24:18,765 Usually somewhere between Friday 2071 01:24:18,905 --> 01:24:20,965 and Sunday, we're going to Aldi to get our groceries. 2072 01:24:20,985 --> 01:24:23,805 We did not have time this weekend, so I was like, we need 2073 01:24:23,805 --> 01:24:25,565 to get a couple of things we can't live without 2074 01:24:25,705 --> 01:24:26,845 for another day. 2075 01:24:27,565 --> 01:24:28,885 I said, and we'll do grocery shopping 2076 01:24:28,885 --> 01:24:29,925 like on Monday or something. 2077 01:24:30,625 --> 01:24:31,765 So we're in there and we're like, well, 2078 01:24:31,765 --> 01:24:33,405 we're here at an Aldi's, it's not in our town, 2079 01:24:33,425 --> 01:24:35,525 but we're at an Aldi's, so I'm getting our stuff. 2080 01:24:35,825 --> 01:24:37,005 He got, like, again, 2081 01:24:37,385 --> 01:24:39,805 how is this college student surviving on anything 2082 01:24:40,265 --> 01:24:41,525 Air and potato chips? 2083 01:24:41,685 --> 01:24:44,045 I don't know. , he got like five, four things 2084 01:24:44,145 --> 01:24:45,725 and I went, I'm looking at his stuff 2085 01:24:46,005 --> 01:24:47,605 'cause I thought he was gonna get groceries. 2086 01:24:47,605 --> 01:24:50,605 Yeah. I'm looking at our stuff and I'm like, look at me. 2087 01:24:50,725 --> 01:24:51,845 I could be a big spender. Sure. 2088 01:24:51,845 --> 01:24:54,605 I'll, I'll buy your $10 or all the groceries. 2089 01:24:55,555 --> 01:24:59,885 Your mom can help you out. Right. Oh God. But yeah. Yeah. 2090 01:25:00,865 --> 01:25:05,445 He was so funny. He, um, we got to, we went to Culver's 2091 01:25:05,445 --> 01:25:07,565 for lunch and we're sitting in the parking lot about 2092 01:25:07,565 --> 01:25:08,685 to walk in and we're talking 2093 01:25:09,025 --> 01:25:11,805 and he actually said, we were get, I was ready to get out. 2094 01:25:11,925 --> 01:25:13,485 I was hungry at this point, . 2095 01:25:13,905 --> 01:25:15,925 And he goes, well, I don't, we don't have to rush. 2096 01:25:15,985 --> 01:25:17,605 We can sit here and talk. I'm like, no, no. 2097 01:25:17,625 --> 01:25:19,765 We can sit at a table in Culver's 2098 01:25:19,765 --> 01:25:22,005 where I can get refills on my drink and talk. 2099 01:25:22,585 --> 01:25:24,365 And he like, did not wanna rush this. 2100 01:25:24,365 --> 01:25:26,565 He did not want us to like, take him to the store, 2101 01:25:26,595 --> 01:25:28,485 drop him back off at his house and be done in an hour. 2102 01:25:28,545 --> 01:25:32,805 He wanted to just hang out with us. 2103 01:25:33,465 --> 01:25:35,085 The old parental figures. 2104 01:25:35,405 --> 01:25:38,525 I was like, I kind of, I kind of love this. 2105 01:25:38,965 --> 01:25:40,525 - I know that was a, that was a little bit 2106 01:25:40,525 --> 01:25:41,845 of a, uh, different feeling. 2107 01:25:42,865 --> 01:25:47,805 - So, - Or you know, that that could have been, uh, a, 2108 01:25:48,005 --> 01:25:52,285 a makeup for his, uh, the night we went 2109 01:25:52,285 --> 01:25:53,725 to see him for the concert. 2110 01:25:54,315 --> 01:25:56,725 - Yeah. When he was like really blunt. 2111 01:25:57,215 --> 01:25:59,205 Close to the point of rudeness. Yeah. Maybe. 2112 01:25:59,265 --> 01:26:01,485 But I don't think so. He is not going to, 2113 01:26:02,315 --> 01:26:04,125 he's not quite medicated enough 2114 01:26:04,265 --> 01:26:07,325 to engage too long in a conversation that bores the shit out 2115 01:26:07,325 --> 01:26:10,405 of him just to make somebody else feel better. . 2116 01:26:10,515 --> 01:26:15,165 - Yeah. Yeah. - Not quite that kid. So, yeah. 2117 01:26:17,825 --> 01:26:22,205 But no, it's been mostly just boring stuff. 2118 01:26:23,225 --> 01:26:26,665 Um, I discovered that 2119 01:26:27,345 --> 01:26:30,905 McDonald's iced coffee, if you can get the right amount 2120 01:26:30,905 --> 01:26:33,625 of cream in it, is not the worst thing I've ever had. 2121 01:26:34,745 --> 01:26:37,305 Hmm. Um, had an iced, got a freebie 2122 01:26:37,305 --> 01:26:38,705 through the McDonald's app. 2123 01:26:38,865 --> 01:26:41,665 'cause if you will reward me with points 2124 01:26:41,665 --> 01:26:45,265 that turn into free food, I will have your app. 2125 01:26:45,925 --> 01:26:48,665 Um, assuming you're a place I already am willing to go. 2126 01:26:48,685 --> 01:26:51,145 Mm-Hmm. . So I have a ridiculous number 2127 01:26:51,145 --> 01:26:53,065 of points from several months ago, 2128 01:26:53,125 --> 01:26:54,705 and I'm trying to use 'em up for the expire 2129 01:26:54,705 --> 01:26:55,865 because then that's just a waste. 2130 01:26:55,955 --> 01:26:59,545 Right. And, uh, I was like, let me try, I got a, 2131 01:26:59,585 --> 01:27:01,185 I can get a free iced coffee, let me try. 2132 01:27:01,205 --> 01:27:03,825 And I got a, a iced caramel coffee. Mm-Hmm. 2133 01:27:03,865 --> 01:27:05,305 with extra cream, 2134 01:27:06,295 --> 01:27:08,225 because if it looks like coffee, 2135 01:27:08,475 --> 01:27:09,745 it'll, it'll be too bitter for me. 2136 01:27:09,845 --> 01:27:12,105 I'm sorry. It was fucking delicious. 2137 01:27:12,215 --> 01:27:15,385 Like, it, it wasn't, you know, homemade cold brew. Was it? 2138 01:27:15,765 --> 01:27:18,025 You know, some of the better coffees I've had at like, some 2139 01:27:18,025 --> 01:27:20,545 of our local places that it's $10 per coffee. 2140 01:27:20,685 --> 01:27:24,905 No, but I mean, it was, it was better than 2141 01:27:25,465 --> 01:27:26,985 Starbucks iced coffee taste to me. 2142 01:27:27,225 --> 01:27:29,065 Hmm. But Starbucks iced coffee 2143 01:27:29,205 --> 01:27:31,745 and their espressos taste burnt to me these days. 2144 01:27:31,965 --> 01:27:34,265 So Yeah. I was like, okay. 2145 01:27:34,865 --> 01:27:36,665 - I, I had a taste a it, you know, a little, 2146 01:27:36,685 --> 01:27:38,545 little too much cream from my taste, 2147 01:27:38,685 --> 01:27:40,425 but it was, it was decent. Yeah. 2148 01:27:40,975 --> 01:27:44,785 - Look, if my coffee does not look like 2149 01:27:46,405 --> 01:27:48,785 the color of my thigh, it's too dark. 2150 01:27:49,135 --> 01:27:50,945 It's too dark. And for anybody who's like the color 2151 01:27:50,945 --> 01:27:51,945 of your thigh, I'm a white lady 2152 01:27:51,945 --> 01:27:53,065 who does not go out in the sun. 2153 01:27:53,085 --> 01:27:54,825 That's all, that's all you gotta know. 2154 01:27:55,285 --> 01:27:57,585 That's how you know how pale my coffee is. . 2155 01:27:58,685 --> 01:28:00,305 Hey, I have discovered 2156 01:28:00,375 --> 01:28:02,665 that I can put too much cream in a c in my coffee. 2157 01:28:02,885 --> 01:28:06,185 And if all I taste is cream, I'm, I will drink it. 2158 01:28:07,285 --> 01:28:08,625 But it's not as good as it could be. 2159 01:28:08,985 --> 01:28:12,265 I do have an upper limit on, uh, 2160 01:28:12,965 --> 01:28:14,145 too much cream. 2161 01:28:16,415 --> 01:28:19,775 I have found it. Okay. So I'm just saying 2162 01:28:20,695 --> 01:28:21,695 - I need to excuse myself. 2163 01:28:21,885 --> 01:28:25,855 - Okay. This, like, if we were, uh, what am I trying to say, 2164 01:28:26,395 --> 01:28:28,215 uh, professionals, we would've just ended the stream. 2165 01:28:28,635 --> 01:28:32,615 But I'll just sit here and keep talking about nothing. 2166 01:28:32,815 --> 01:28:35,175 I was already struggling to find stuff to talk about, 2167 01:28:35,315 --> 01:28:38,015 but I don't want to like stop talking either 2168 01:28:38,015 --> 01:28:40,815 because this is, you know, this is a form 2169 01:28:40,815 --> 01:28:41,855 of community for me. 2170 01:28:41,915 --> 01:28:44,015 And so once a week I get to like, sit here 2171 01:28:44,035 --> 01:28:46,295 and like feel like we're all hanging out. 2172 01:28:46,555 --> 01:28:50,495 And even if I have nothing to say, like 2173 01:28:50,755 --> 01:28:52,015 to still be hanging out. 2174 01:28:53,875 --> 01:28:58,095 But, but now, now my partner in crime has left the room 2175 01:28:58,115 --> 01:29:00,055 and I don't know how to do this by myself. 2176 01:29:00,495 --> 01:29:03,485 . Okay. Okay. 2177 01:29:07,225 --> 01:29:08,245 Uh, and channel wings 2178 01:29:08,245 --> 01:29:10,645 and live chat says I like Starbucks blonde espresso 2179 01:29:10,645 --> 01:29:12,085 that they put into shaken espressos. 2180 01:29:12,325 --> 01:29:15,285 I will say their blonde espresso is better to me 2181 01:29:15,795 --> 01:29:18,085 than all their other, um, espresso. 2182 01:29:18,105 --> 01:29:21,125 And I like Starbucks cold brew. Their cold brew is good. 2183 01:29:21,745 --> 01:29:25,445 Um, and I do like the Starbucks shaken espressos. 2184 01:29:25,605 --> 01:29:28,285 I, I don't use regular milk in my espressos 2185 01:29:28,445 --> 01:29:29,685 'cause lactose intolerance. 2186 01:29:30,185 --> 01:29:32,925 Um, I have discovered I love oat milk 2187 01:29:33,305 --> 01:29:35,005 as a milk replacement in lattes. 2188 01:29:35,005 --> 01:29:36,405 Like they're ju it's, it's good. 2189 01:29:36,565 --> 01:29:39,045 I don't wanna put oat milk on a cereal necessarily. 2190 01:29:39,325 --> 01:29:41,005 I don't want to drink a glass of it. 2191 01:29:41,625 --> 01:29:44,485 Um, but in a coffee drink as, especially as a latte. 2192 01:29:44,785 --> 01:29:46,925 Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. That's really good. 2193 01:29:49,025 --> 01:29:53,195 - But - Yeah, I have, um, 2194 01:29:55,435 --> 01:29:57,915 I have discovered that I really just prefer cold brew 2195 01:29:57,915 --> 01:29:59,555 and not just because we make it here at home. 2196 01:29:59,995 --> 01:30:01,835 I mean, that is a little bit of it, 2197 01:30:02,135 --> 01:30:05,395 but it's smoother when the way it's, 2198 01:30:05,545 --> 01:30:06,955 it's made and brewed and everything. 2199 01:30:07,455 --> 01:30:10,035 Um, dunking, I haven't been to Dunking in weeks, 2200 01:30:10,255 --> 01:30:12,915 but Dunking started a thing where, um, 2201 01:30:13,535 --> 01:30:16,795 you can get like their $3 medium cold brews. 2202 01:30:17,015 --> 01:30:18,715 And normally I get like an iced coffee, 2203 01:30:18,715 --> 01:30:19,915 medium, large, whatever. 2204 01:30:20,535 --> 01:30:22,555 But the moment they start that deal, if I was going 2205 01:30:22,555 --> 01:30:23,995 to dunking it was to get the cold brew 2206 01:30:23,995 --> 01:30:26,395 because that is, that just tastes better. 2207 01:30:26,815 --> 01:30:29,275 Better. And doesn't taste bitter to me. 2208 01:30:30,015 --> 01:30:32,515 Uh, as long as I put enough sweetener in, um, 2209 01:30:32,725 --> 01:30:33,915 cream in it, . 2210 01:30:34,895 --> 01:30:36,475 Um, so yeah, 2211 01:30:39,155 --> 01:30:40,735 but we have not been doing that, 2212 01:30:40,735 --> 01:30:42,935 but we haven't really been going anywhere either except 2213 01:30:42,935 --> 01:30:44,815 for like errands and if a kid needs us. 2214 01:30:45,115 --> 01:30:49,255 So it's not a, it's, it's not a big deal. 2215 01:30:49,485 --> 01:30:51,735 I've just been drinking a lot of coffee at home. 2216 01:30:52,755 --> 01:30:56,055 Um, JB asked me to top 2217 01:30:56,055 --> 01:31:00,175 of a top off his coffee before we started recording today. 2218 01:31:00,715 --> 01:31:03,215 And I was like, yeah, I'll top mine off too. 2219 01:31:03,365 --> 01:31:07,935 Well JB meant that he had drank, had still had over half 2220 01:31:07,935 --> 01:31:11,095 of his coffee from the morning and he just wanted topped up. 2221 01:31:11,935 --> 01:31:14,095 I had sucked mine dry 2222 01:31:15,075 --> 01:31:16,735 and even some, I even some 2223 01:31:16,735 --> 01:31:18,375 of the ice was starting to melt at that point. 2224 01:31:18,795 --> 01:31:21,615 Um, and I just got a whole ass new coffee. So, but sure. 2225 01:31:21,615 --> 01:31:23,495 I topped it up. , I topped it up. 2226 01:31:23,495 --> 01:31:25,335 That that totally counts. Totally counts. 2227 01:31:26,275 --> 01:31:27,695 I'm babbling about coffee 2228 01:31:28,095 --> 01:31:30,255 'cause I don't know, do you have anything? 2229 01:31:32,315 --> 01:31:33,895 Did you just leave and come back for us 2230 01:31:33,895 --> 01:31:36,935 to finally end the stream and put folks out of our misery? 2231 01:31:36,935 --> 01:31:38,215 Their misery, your misery? 2232 01:31:38,355 --> 01:31:41,175 If you're still here, you're like, clearly you wanna be 2233 01:31:41,675 --> 01:31:45,495 but and I need to just remind myself of that. 2234 01:31:45,775 --> 01:31:47,495 - . I mean, I, I haven't been doing 2235 01:31:47,655 --> 01:31:48,895 a whole lot lately. 2236 01:31:49,125 --> 01:31:50,335 It's mostly been work 2237 01:31:51,085 --> 01:31:52,085 - Related stuff. 2238 01:31:52,085 --> 01:31:52,655 We've been working, we've been 2239 01:31:52,855 --> 01:31:53,975 researching and we've been stressing. 2240 01:31:53,975 --> 01:31:55,295 That's what we do. That's 2241 01:31:55,295 --> 01:31:56,295 - What we do. 2242 01:31:56,295 --> 01:31:59,405 um, you know, I I did go to our, um, uh, 2243 01:32:00,335 --> 01:32:01,805 local munch Yeah. 2244 01:32:01,995 --> 01:32:03,445 Last night. Um, 2245 01:32:04,465 --> 01:32:06,405 - You had, you got, you don't have to go into details, 2246 01:32:06,425 --> 01:32:08,445 but you got to have a kink community 2247 01:32:08,445 --> 01:32:09,485 thing over the weekend again. 2248 01:32:09,705 --> 01:32:13,365 Yes. Which did lead to a very serious discussion, uh, 2249 01:32:13,365 --> 01:32:15,005 that we ended up having like Right. 2250 01:32:15,005 --> 01:32:16,325 24 hours later. Mm-Hmm. 2251 01:32:16,365 --> 01:32:18,925 - . - Um, yeah. 2252 01:32:19,015 --> 01:32:21,125 Which we still don't know what we're gonna do about it. 2253 01:32:21,225 --> 01:32:24,525 - No. But we know that something needs to be, 2254 01:32:24,945 --> 01:32:26,205 - So I thought you were gonna talk about 2255 01:32:26,205 --> 01:32:27,365 your what, your munch and stuff. 2256 01:32:27,385 --> 01:32:29,205 So let me just tell you. 'cause I think 2257 01:32:29,205 --> 01:32:30,245 other people could probably relate. 2258 01:32:30,245 --> 01:32:32,605 Mm-Hmm. , um, JB has, you know, 2259 01:32:32,605 --> 01:32:34,605 it was the second Saturday in a row of going off 2260 01:32:34,605 --> 01:32:35,605 and having a kink adventure, 2261 01:32:35,985 --> 01:32:38,405 of which I'm completely fucking supportive. 2262 01:32:39,065 --> 01:32:41,885 But something about the second one where he, 2263 01:32:41,915 --> 01:32:43,285 this past weekend when he went out 2264 01:32:43,305 --> 01:32:48,125 and did some stuff fucking hit me like a ton of bricks. 2265 01:32:48,125 --> 01:32:50,925 Yeah. Because I finally had a realization 2266 01:32:50,925 --> 01:32:52,005 that I should have been fucking having. 2267 01:32:52,025 --> 01:32:53,925 But I, you know, I'm slow on the uptake sometimes. 2268 01:32:54,725 --> 01:32:57,885 I was like, because it started out I was jealous of JB 2269 01:32:57,885 --> 01:33:00,565 and then I realized that, that I was directing that in the 2270 01:33:01,135 --> 01:33:05,285 wrong way because it was like, well, it must be nice to get 2271 01:33:05,285 --> 01:33:06,925 to go off and have adventures 2272 01:33:07,065 --> 01:33:10,045 and not have to worry about what is happening at home. 2273 01:33:10,265 --> 01:33:11,685 And if life is continuing 2274 01:33:11,705 --> 01:33:13,485 and is, are the dishes getting washed 2275 01:33:13,545 --> 01:33:15,565 and the animals getting fed and the kid getting fed? 2276 01:33:15,785 --> 01:33:17,165 And is life still happening? 2277 01:33:17,345 --> 01:33:20,365 And what I realized was not that I'm jealous of JB 2278 01:33:20,385 --> 01:33:22,805 for having that freedom, but I'm pissy 2279 01:33:23,365 --> 01:33:25,965 'cause I have not done anything 2280 01:33:26,985 --> 01:33:28,805 to give myself that freedom. 2281 01:33:28,915 --> 01:33:30,205 Yeah. I do not have my own 2282 01:33:30,205 --> 01:33:31,205 - Thing. 2283 01:33:31,205 --> 01:33:31,805 And what's funny is 2284 01:33:31,805 --> 01:33:34,245 that this past weekend while I was off having 2285 01:33:34,395 --> 01:33:35,925 that little adventure Mm-Hmm. 2286 01:33:35,965 --> 01:33:37,445 , I was thinking just that 2287 01:33:38,085 --> 01:33:40,405 - , which is why, one, you're a good human, 2288 01:33:40,545 --> 01:33:42,765 and two, you're a good partner because Mm-Hmm. 2289 01:33:42,805 --> 01:33:45,445 an oblivious fucking partner would've been 2290 01:33:45,595 --> 01:33:48,245 shocked and probably might've been empathetic, would've 2291 01:33:48,245 --> 01:33:49,245 - Been shocked when I said something. 2292 01:33:49,325 --> 01:33:52,605 I think what was kind of humorous when we were in the car 2293 01:33:52,745 --> 01:33:53,765 and you brought it up 2294 01:33:53,765 --> 01:33:56,205 before you even finished saying what you were thinking. 2295 01:33:56,885 --> 01:33:59,885 I was like, yeah, you need to be able to get away 2296 01:33:59,885 --> 01:34:01,605 and have your own adventures. Yeah. 2297 01:34:02,385 --> 01:34:05,285 - And see the problem we have is I don't want to go anywhere 2298 01:34:05,905 --> 01:34:06,905 - Or be around people. 2299 01:34:07,025 --> 01:34:08,405 - Be not be around people. I dunno. 2300 01:34:09,205 --> 01:34:11,685 I have like the, you want, if you want me 2301 01:34:11,685 --> 01:34:14,285 to have a stressful moment, send me out 2302 01:34:14,305 --> 01:34:15,965 and make me interact 2303 01:34:15,965 --> 01:34:18,285 with people I don't know in a situation in which 2304 01:34:18,365 --> 01:34:19,405 I am not comfortable. 2305 01:34:20,585 --> 01:34:22,565 Yay. Hell on earth . Mm-Hmm. . 2306 01:34:23,025 --> 01:34:25,165 So the, you know, it was a, 2307 01:34:25,185 --> 01:34:27,085 we had a serious conversation about it. 2308 01:34:27,115 --> 01:34:29,965 Yeah. You know, there wasn't a, there wasn't a blaming 2309 01:34:30,065 --> 01:34:31,205 or a finger pointing. 2310 01:34:31,865 --> 01:34:34,125 Um, it was an acknowledgement of, 2311 01:34:34,305 --> 01:34:36,965 and this is typical, uh, in especially mm-Hmm. 2312 01:34:37,005 --> 01:34:39,085 , long-term relationships, 2313 01:34:39,085 --> 01:34:41,245 especially when there's caregiving 2314 01:34:41,405 --> 01:34:42,845 involved children or adults, doesn't matter. 2315 01:34:42,955 --> 01:34:46,005 There's a default person who takes on Mm-Hmm. 2316 01:34:46,045 --> 01:34:47,245 most of the mental load, most 2317 01:34:47,245 --> 01:34:50,165 of the administrative tasks with kids, there tends 2318 01:34:50,165 --> 01:34:51,285 to be a default parent. 2319 01:34:51,425 --> 01:34:52,685 And I'm that person. 2320 01:34:53,505 --> 01:34:56,725 And , um, we're gonna talk about submissives 2321 01:34:56,725 --> 01:34:58,885 with control issues, I think in next week's episode, 2322 01:34:59,035 --> 01:35:00,045 spoiler . 2323 01:35:00,385 --> 01:35:03,005 And I recognize that some of that is my own control issues. 2324 01:35:03,025 --> 01:35:06,285 But what it means is I am the person who 2325 01:35:07,795 --> 01:35:11,525 does not think about what am I gonna do to relax? 2326 01:35:11,635 --> 01:35:13,245 What am I gonna do to unwind? 2327 01:35:13,305 --> 01:35:14,765 How do I take a break from this? 2328 01:35:15,125 --> 01:35:17,285 I don't think about that till I'm at a tipping point. 2329 01:35:17,305 --> 01:35:18,565 I'm at a breaking point. Mm-Hmm. 2330 01:35:18,605 --> 01:35:20,085 , I don't do that until the well is 2331 01:35:20,085 --> 01:35:24,165 so fucking dry, you know, that there's nothing left. 2332 01:35:24,225 --> 01:35:25,845 And that's, that's not good either. 2333 01:35:26,345 --> 01:35:29,085 Um, but also we now live a life where, 2334 01:35:29,085 --> 01:35:33,205 and I have become a kind of person who, you know, I 2335 01:35:34,335 --> 01:35:36,165 don't just walk into social spaces 2336 01:35:36,505 --> 01:35:37,925 and just like exist Mm-Hmm. 2337 01:35:37,965 --> 01:35:40,885 that is deeply uncomfortable. Yeah. 2338 01:35:41,125 --> 01:35:43,845 I like to do things on my own 2339 01:35:44,225 --> 01:35:47,245 or that, you know, my own hobbies that are just that Mm-Hmm. 2340 01:35:47,285 --> 01:35:49,285 that are so low endeavors. 2341 01:35:49,505 --> 01:35:51,085 You know, I can do them side by side with somebody, 2342 01:35:51,085 --> 01:35:53,885 but they do not require interaction. 2343 01:35:53,885 --> 01:35:55,925 Right. And that's what I tend to like to do. 2344 01:35:56,425 --> 01:35:59,245 But as any default parent will know, 2345 01:36:00,625 --> 01:36:03,685 if you try to do a thing in your house 2346 01:36:04,065 --> 01:36:06,965 and call it a break, you better know how 2347 01:36:06,965 --> 01:36:09,325 to hide from everybody in your house. The 2348 01:36:09,325 --> 01:36:10,725 - Default a damn better have a 2349 01:36:10,725 --> 01:36:11,925 damn good hiding spot. Right. 2350 01:36:12,125 --> 01:36:14,725 - 'cause the default parent or the default caregiver will be 2351 01:36:14,725 --> 01:36:17,125 the person everybody goes to with how do I do this? 2352 01:36:17,125 --> 01:36:18,165 Right. And where is this? And 2353 01:36:18,195 --> 01:36:20,045 that was the conversation I was having with jb. 2354 01:36:20,045 --> 01:36:22,845 It was like, my interests do not necessarily align 2355 01:36:22,845 --> 01:36:24,005 with leaving the house. 2356 01:36:24,395 --> 01:36:28,845 However, how do I get a break if I am in this house? 2357 01:36:29,225 --> 01:36:30,445 One, everybody's gonna come to me. 2358 01:36:30,665 --> 01:36:33,965 And two, is it a break if I come home 2359 01:36:34,185 --> 01:36:37,045 and all the things I still have to do are still sitting 2360 01:36:37,045 --> 01:36:38,085 - There? Are still sitting there. Yeah. 2361 01:36:38,225 --> 01:36:39,965 - So we had a very like mm-Hmm. 2362 01:36:40,005 --> 01:36:43,445 , mature, calm conversation. Right. 2363 01:36:43,785 --> 01:36:46,325 Um, we have no answers. Right. 2364 01:36:46,765 --> 01:36:48,325 , well, we at least had the conversation, 2365 01:36:48,585 --> 01:36:50,005 - But we, we've had the conversation 2366 01:36:50,385 --> 01:36:55,045 and you know, now we're open to continuing the conversation 2367 01:36:55,265 --> 01:36:56,725 and, and you know. Yeah. 2368 01:36:57,225 --> 01:36:59,045 - So, um, so yeah. 2369 01:36:59,225 --> 01:37:01,525 Uh, for anybody who can relate to that, uh, 2370 01:37:01,625 --> 01:37:04,165 if you're feeling jealous of your partners adventures, it's, 2371 01:37:04,205 --> 01:37:05,645 I think it's time for conversation about 2372 01:37:05,645 --> 01:37:07,245 how you're gonna go have your own adventures. 2373 01:37:07,245 --> 01:37:10,445 Mm-Hmm. . Um, and you know, it is, it's 2374 01:37:11,265 --> 01:37:13,925 for anybody who is like a socially anxious person 2375 01:37:14,025 --> 01:37:15,925 or somebody who does not like being around a lot of people 2376 01:37:16,425 --> 01:37:20,365 or struggles to make friends, I am that person as well. 2377 01:37:21,225 --> 01:37:23,525 You know, Jamie gets to have these adventures. 2378 01:37:23,525 --> 01:37:24,645 One 'cause he is willing. Right. 2379 01:37:24,865 --> 01:37:26,205 But because he's put the time 2380 01:37:26,225 --> 01:37:28,965 and the effort into making friends and having community. 2381 01:37:28,985 --> 01:37:31,685 And so over this time that he's done that they've gotten 2382 01:37:31,685 --> 01:37:34,165 to know him and people are inviting him to things. 2383 01:37:34,305 --> 01:37:36,765 And I was like, , I was, 2384 01:37:36,875 --> 01:37:38,765 it's like having two different versions 2385 01:37:38,765 --> 01:37:39,845 of myself on my shoulder. 2386 01:37:40,225 --> 01:37:42,765 One on each shoulder. 'cause one side was like, well, 2387 01:37:42,765 --> 01:37:43,965 if you get your ass out there 2388 01:37:43,965 --> 01:37:45,965 and actually make friends, you too could be invited 2389 01:37:45,985 --> 01:37:47,205 to things that you dread going to 2390 01:37:47,405 --> 01:37:48,605 'cause you hate social interaction. 2391 01:37:49,185 --> 01:37:51,285 Um, and on the other hand, I'm like, 2392 01:37:51,285 --> 01:37:54,165 but I, that's not my idea of relaxing now. 2393 01:37:55,015 --> 01:37:58,325 Going to like, this is so weird. 2394 01:37:58,395 --> 01:38:00,885 I've been to a play party and we had a good scene. Mm-Hmm. 2395 01:38:00,925 --> 01:38:03,005 . And yet I still struggled. 2396 01:38:03,025 --> 01:38:04,485 It was nobody's fault. It was all me. 2397 01:38:04,985 --> 01:38:06,965 And yet going to the dungeon, I struggle less. 2398 01:38:07,075 --> 01:38:08,445 That is so weird to me. Mm-Hmm. . 2399 01:38:08,445 --> 01:38:10,165 I would like, let me go to a dungeon. 2400 01:38:10,245 --> 01:38:14,605 I think it's 'cause it's, um, it's less personal. Right. 2401 01:38:14,755 --> 01:38:17,805 It's not somebody's house. It's not like close quarters. 2402 01:38:17,865 --> 01:38:21,245 You whatever the, the internet action is not seen 2403 01:38:21,245 --> 01:38:23,965 as like part of the thing. 2404 01:38:24,465 --> 01:38:26,805 So like there are things I'm like, I would like to do that, 2405 01:38:26,805 --> 01:38:28,685 but I'm not actually envious that he's going 2406 01:38:28,685 --> 01:38:30,325 to these parties necessarily 2407 01:38:30,765 --> 01:38:31,765 - . 2408 01:38:32,325 --> 01:38:34,965 - I don't wanna have to do the thing he did naturally 2409 01:38:35,025 --> 01:38:38,125 and with joy in his heart to get to that point. 2410 01:38:38,405 --> 01:38:42,165 . But also I'm enough of, of of, you know, 2411 01:38:42,175 --> 01:38:45,565 human beings to some extent are kind of social creatures. 2412 01:38:45,565 --> 01:38:46,965 And I'm like, yeah, I wanna be liked too. 2413 01:38:47,065 --> 01:38:48,885 But you have to like let people get to know you 2414 01:38:48,945 --> 01:38:50,765 and like you. 2415 01:38:51,305 --> 01:38:52,845 But that, I don't wanna do that part. 2416 01:38:53,165 --> 01:38:53,965 - . 2417 01:38:58,555 --> 01:38:59,725 - Well, you know, rah rah. 2418 01:38:59,845 --> 01:39:03,365 I, I see myself more of a ambivert. 2419 01:39:03,625 --> 01:39:05,885 - So for podcast listeners, uh, rah Rah said, 2420 01:39:06,005 --> 01:39:07,805 I appreciate you meaning me recognize 2421 01:39:07,805 --> 01:39:08,925 that it's not j b's fault. 2422 01:39:09,005 --> 01:39:10,925 That he's an extrovert and you aren't. Yeah, yeah. 2423 01:39:10,925 --> 01:39:11,965 - For sure. For sure. For sure. 2424 01:39:12,445 --> 01:39:14,285 I, I've always seen myself a little bit more 2425 01:39:14,285 --> 01:39:15,485 of an ambivert Mm-Hmm. 2426 01:39:15,525 --> 01:39:17,005 . And, and that's 2427 01:39:17,005 --> 01:39:20,525 because, you know, I, I love, you know, I do love going out 2428 01:39:20,745 --> 01:39:24,045 and being amongst people and, and going to, to workshops 2429 01:39:24,105 --> 01:39:26,445 and munches and, and you know, all different, 2430 01:39:27,235 --> 01:39:28,845 even social get togethers 2431 01:39:29,135 --> 01:39:30,685 where there is, there's kinky folks. 2432 01:39:31,345 --> 01:39:35,805 But there also comes a point where I want 2433 01:39:35,805 --> 01:39:39,965 to just come home and stay home and, 2434 01:39:40,065 --> 01:39:42,485 and recharge and Mm-Hmm. , you know, 2435 01:39:42,865 --> 01:39:45,485 - The other thing I was, um, I - Can go both ways. Yeah. 2436 01:39:46,005 --> 01:39:49,245 - , you can go always in a few ways 2437 01:39:49,625 --> 01:39:51,605 and that is one of the things, uh, 2438 01:39:51,675 --> 01:39:52,725 many of us like about you. 2439 01:39:52,915 --> 01:39:55,525 Yeah. Um, and if you're new here Yes. 2440 01:39:55,625 --> 01:39:56,485 Put all of the sexual 2441 01:39:56,525 --> 01:39:58,085 innuendo, you would talk into that . 2442 01:39:58,105 --> 01:40:02,725 Um, another thing that we kind of talked about 2443 01:40:03,585 --> 01:40:05,645 and we don't have an answer for Mm-Hmm. 2444 01:40:05,685 --> 01:40:09,005 is that the other struggle is 2445 01:40:09,005 --> 01:40:11,805 that when he comes home and recharges, he comes back home 2446 01:40:11,825 --> 01:40:14,325 to all of our normal stress, all of our extra stress. 2447 01:40:14,325 --> 01:40:16,245 We're carrying all of our anxieties, 2448 01:40:16,245 --> 01:40:17,485 all the things we're dealing with. 2449 01:40:17,985 --> 01:40:19,685 And so when he and I are interacting, 2450 01:40:19,685 --> 01:40:20,885 even when he's recharging, 2451 01:40:21,225 --> 01:40:22,965 we are interacting like we do 2452 01:40:23,135 --> 01:40:24,405 every single moment of the day. 2453 01:40:24,405 --> 01:40:26,405 Mm-Hmm. . And lately that's been very stress 2454 01:40:26,405 --> 01:40:28,605 filled and like a lot of, just so many worries. 2455 01:40:28,715 --> 01:40:31,725 Yeah. Um, and so 2456 01:40:32,705 --> 01:40:36,405 the other thing I was telling him is like, I miss when he 2457 01:40:36,405 --> 01:40:38,285 and IC were going to do things 2458 01:40:38,425 --> 01:40:39,605 and we could get away together. 2459 01:40:39,755 --> 01:40:41,645 Like Mm-Hmm. , I don't, you know, 2460 01:40:41,875 --> 01:40:44,685 because, uh, he has another partner. 2461 01:40:44,945 --> 01:40:47,605 The conversation does have to be, 2462 01:40:48,125 --> 01:40:49,565 I don't wanna take up all your time 2463 01:40:49,565 --> 01:40:52,605 and take away your time from getting that you get to spend 2464 01:40:52,605 --> 01:40:53,730 with your, your other partner, 2465 01:40:54,105 --> 01:40:55,645 but I would like some of that. 2466 01:40:55,645 --> 01:40:57,085 Mm-Hmm. for myself. Right. 2467 01:40:57,085 --> 01:40:59,525 And that is a, a source of envy as well 2468 01:40:59,635 --> 01:41:02,925 because when you're home, we're back to home stuff 2469 01:41:02,945 --> 01:41:04,645 and worry stuff and work stuff Yeah. 2470 01:41:04,645 --> 01:41:05,885 And all the stuff we got going on. 2471 01:41:06,505 --> 01:41:07,925 And the big problem is, is 2472 01:41:07,925 --> 01:41:09,805 that we're at a current point in our life. 2473 01:41:10,155 --> 01:41:12,165 - Lola agrees, - Right. As she often does. 2474 01:41:12,775 --> 01:41:15,205 We're at a point in our life where going off to 2475 01:41:15,585 --> 01:41:19,085 to have adventures and drive and, you know, go to a club 2476 01:41:19,225 --> 01:41:20,885 or go to dinner or go 2477 01:41:21,065 --> 01:41:24,445 and do things that are not free to do, 2478 01:41:25,025 --> 01:41:27,645 that's not an option for us right now. 2479 01:41:27,645 --> 01:41:32,485 Right. Yeah. So it's like, I want stuff that's just for me 2480 01:41:32,745 --> 01:41:35,805 so that I can get away, even if it's just mentally from all 2481 01:41:35,805 --> 01:41:37,485 of my responsibilities for a hot minute 2482 01:41:37,625 --> 01:41:40,325 and not walk back into all the responsibilities I left. 2483 01:41:40,325 --> 01:41:41,925 Like, can some of the things be done 2484 01:41:41,945 --> 01:41:43,805 for me while I'm not focused on them? 2485 01:41:43,805 --> 01:41:46,485 Mm-Hmm. . But also I want the luxury 2486 01:41:46,625 --> 01:41:51,005 and it is a fucking luxury of getting to go do fun stuff 2487 01:41:51,005 --> 01:41:52,445 with my partner who goes and 2488 01:41:52,445 --> 01:41:53,885 - Does fun stuff. Now. We, we didn't 2489 01:41:53,905 --> 01:41:55,085 - And - That's a struggle to Yeah. 2490 01:41:55,085 --> 01:41:57,325 Now we, we have talked there, there is, there, 2491 01:41:57,325 --> 01:42:00,765 there are numerous munches in, in so many MUEs in our area. 2492 01:42:01,345 --> 01:42:04,565 Um, I you, you could almost spend every day 2493 01:42:04,565 --> 01:42:07,045 of the week going to from one to the other. Yeah. 2494 01:42:07,075 --> 01:42:08,125 - Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah. Um, 2495 01:42:09,385 --> 01:42:13,245 and there is one, we talked about this. 2496 01:42:13,245 --> 01:42:15,205 Mm-Hmm. . There is one, uh, month, 2497 01:42:15,205 --> 01:42:17,165 which is actually relatively close to us. 2498 01:42:17,225 --> 01:42:21,445 Mm-Hmm. . And it is fairly small. Mm-Hmm. 2499 01:42:21,485 --> 01:42:24,485 . And we talked about that. 2500 01:42:24,485 --> 01:42:27,765 That may be something that we start doing together. 2501 01:42:27,985 --> 01:42:31,005 - You might have to gimme a gummy, but Yep. Yeah. Yep. 2502 01:42:31,405 --> 01:42:35,005 something to just, once I'm in a situation 2503 01:42:35,005 --> 01:42:37,205 and know that there's nothing to be terrified of. 2504 01:42:37,205 --> 01:42:38,405 Mm-Hmm. I tend to relax, 2505 01:42:39,105 --> 01:42:41,405 but man, getting to that point, I can be a struggle. 2506 01:42:41,755 --> 01:42:45,765 - Yeah. - So, yeah. It's there. 2507 01:42:46,075 --> 01:42:48,885 It's, there's been good conversation. Mm-Hmm. 2508 01:42:48,925 --> 01:42:52,325 , um, within our relationship there's been no 2509 01:42:52,605 --> 01:42:56,165 resolution, which I continue to be a person who 2510 01:42:56,975 --> 01:42:59,485 lacks patience and wants problems to be solved. 2511 01:42:59,585 --> 01:43:01,365 The moment I acknowledge that there's a problem, 2512 01:43:01,465 --> 01:43:04,365 but I have matured enough . 2513 01:43:04,365 --> 01:43:07,125 Mm-Hmm. to know that I just 2514 01:43:07,125 --> 01:43:08,205 have to be disappointed. 2515 01:43:08,445 --> 01:43:10,445 'cause that's not quite how it works. 2516 01:43:10,715 --> 01:43:15,045 Because sometimes there is no easy solution. Right. 2517 01:43:15,075 --> 01:43:19,885 Like, yeah. Sometimes I have found acknowledging the issue 2518 01:43:20,425 --> 01:43:23,125 and having a partner who sees it 2519 01:43:23,125 --> 01:43:24,845 and like says, yeah, this is real. 2520 01:43:24,865 --> 01:43:27,205 And I see that and I, I get where you're coming from 2521 01:43:27,225 --> 01:43:29,005 and I agree and I'm going through it too. 2522 01:43:29,005 --> 01:43:30,645 Mm-Hmm. sometimes just having 2523 01:43:30,645 --> 01:43:33,885 that conversation has to be enough for a while. 2524 01:43:34,625 --> 01:43:37,125 It is. It is. Helpful. 2525 01:43:37,525 --> 01:43:38,885 'cause then I don't feel alone, right? 2526 01:43:38,965 --> 01:43:41,125 I don't feel like I'm having to just keep things in my 2527 01:43:41,125 --> 01:43:42,205 head and not say something. 2528 01:43:42,275 --> 01:43:44,285 I've said it, we're on the same page about it. 2529 01:43:44,285 --> 01:43:46,205 That means if I bring it up again at some point, 2530 01:43:46,475 --> 01:43:47,565 it's not new information 2531 01:43:47,585 --> 01:43:49,045 and we can continue the conversation. 2532 01:43:49,485 --> 01:43:51,245 I feel less alone in it. 2533 01:43:51,905 --> 01:43:53,405 You know, there was a time, uh, 2534 01:43:53,725 --> 01:43:55,605 probably when I was in my twenties that I could 2535 01:43:56,475 --> 01:43:58,565 have a conversation with somebody about what was going on 2536 01:43:58,565 --> 01:44:00,485 and have that moment of relief 2537 01:44:00,485 --> 01:44:01,765 because, hey, we talked about the thing, 2538 01:44:02,065 --> 01:44:04,405 but then immediate, like crushing disappointment 2539 01:44:04,405 --> 01:44:05,605 that the thing couldn't be fixed. 2540 01:44:05,985 --> 01:44:08,845 And I guess I've just now had 44 years 2541 01:44:08,985 --> 01:44:12,125 of problems never being immediately fixed, . 2542 01:44:12,125 --> 01:44:13,485 And I've grown used to it. 2543 01:44:13,625 --> 01:44:15,605 And so I'm like, I don't have any solutions. 2544 01:44:15,725 --> 01:44:18,525 I don't have any options that I can, that 2545 01:44:19,085 --> 01:44:20,805 I can make work right now. 2546 01:44:21,585 --> 01:44:24,085 But it's, I'm not miserable 2547 01:44:24,085 --> 01:44:28,005 because we ended up having a really good conversation come 2548 01:44:28,005 --> 01:44:29,325 out of it, and we are on the same 2549 01:44:29,515 --> 01:44:30,565 page about that. Right. You know 2550 01:44:30,565 --> 01:44:31,565 - What I mean? 2551 01:44:31,565 --> 01:44:33,045 So, I mean, yeah. Nothing was, nothing was, 2552 01:44:33,145 --> 01:44:37,705 um, you know, um, resolved. 2553 01:44:38,105 --> 01:44:41,465 Resolved. But yeah, it was good to have the conversation 2554 01:44:41,805 --> 01:44:46,785 and, you know, knowing that it is as, as we progress 2555 01:44:46,785 --> 01:44:49,025 with it to find a resolution. 2556 01:44:49,205 --> 01:44:50,465 Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . 2557 01:44:50,605 --> 01:44:52,305 And, you know, this is like a, uh, 2558 01:44:52,305 --> 01:44:54,545 episode in, within the episode. I 2559 01:44:54,545 --> 01:44:55,545 - Know. 2560 01:44:55,545 --> 01:44:56,665 I I don't have anything to talk about. 2561 01:44:56,845 --> 01:45:01,665 Oh, look, here's what I have . So Yeah. 2562 01:45:01,885 --> 01:45:04,825 For anybody who maybe can relate you, you're never alone. 2563 01:45:05,185 --> 01:45:06,985 Somebody can always relate. Yeah. But we are, yeah. 2564 01:45:07,115 --> 01:45:08,185 We're Mm-Hmm. 2565 01:45:08,225 --> 01:45:10,665 , I think we're both getting kind of worn down 2566 01:45:10,845 --> 01:45:13,065 by the grind of some of the things 2567 01:45:13,065 --> 01:45:14,865 that we can't, we just can't fix. 2568 01:45:14,955 --> 01:45:18,105 Right. Like we're, some things can't be fixed . 2569 01:45:18,105 --> 01:45:20,225 Mm-Hmm. or some things can be fixed, 2570 01:45:20,245 --> 01:45:21,545 but the fix is so slow. 2571 01:45:22,085 --> 01:45:23,465 It is maddening. 2572 01:45:23,465 --> 01:45:26,505 And that's kind of where we're at right now. Yeah. 2573 01:45:27,005 --> 01:45:30,825 Um, we keep having like setbacks, so it's like, oh, 2574 01:45:30,885 --> 01:45:32,105 two steps forward, one step back. 2575 01:45:32,405 --> 01:45:34,985 Oh, look at you. One step forward, five steps back. Mm-Hmm. 2576 01:45:35,025 --> 01:45:37,465 . And that grind will wear you down. 2577 01:45:37,565 --> 01:45:40,905 And it's easy for us at least, is so easy 2578 01:45:41,085 --> 01:45:42,545 to get into conflict 2579 01:45:42,665 --> 01:45:45,345 because we're our, we're lacking patients. 2580 01:45:45,395 --> 01:45:48,305 We're exhausted. Yeah. We're both frustrated 2581 01:45:48,325 --> 01:45:50,025 by the situations we find ourselves 2582 01:45:50,025 --> 01:45:51,145 in. Mm-Hmm. . Um, 2583 01:45:51,625 --> 01:45:55,145 - I, I think, but you know, we, uh, thankfully we both 2584 01:45:56,215 --> 01:45:58,425 acknowledge to the other Mm-Hmm. 2585 01:45:58,465 --> 01:46:00,905 , you know, where we are at. Mm-Hmm. 2586 01:46:00,945 --> 01:46:03,585 in with, with everything going on. Mm-Hmm. 2587 01:46:03,625 --> 01:46:07,265 . And, uh, we have been able 2588 01:46:07,925 --> 01:46:11,945 to be respectful of each other in 2589 01:46:11,945 --> 01:46:12,945 - That. 2590 01:46:12,945 --> 01:46:13,945 Yeah. It's not always easy. I mean, no, 2591 01:46:14,085 --> 01:46:17,145 - We, - We've kind of, we always try to be this way 2592 01:46:17,145 --> 01:46:18,585 with one another, but the higher the stress, 2593 01:46:18,585 --> 01:46:19,745 the easier it is to argue. 2594 01:46:19,845 --> 01:46:21,905 Mm-Hmm. . And we had kind of gone 2595 01:46:21,905 --> 01:46:24,825 through some cycles of just arguing, making up arguing. 2596 01:46:24,825 --> 01:46:26,425 Yeah. And I think now, 2597 01:46:26,765 --> 01:46:28,865 and I don't, it won't necessarily stay this way, 2598 01:46:28,885 --> 01:46:31,705 but for right now, we're very much in the, oh, 2599 01:46:32,005 --> 01:46:34,025 if we let ourselves get too stressed out 2600 01:46:34,085 --> 01:46:36,225 and frustrated, we will be at each other's throats. 2601 01:46:36,225 --> 01:46:38,425 Mm-Hmm. . So let's go the opposite direction 2602 01:46:38,645 --> 01:46:42,705 and just have even more open, honest communication. 2603 01:46:43,485 --> 01:46:45,505 Um, but 2604 01:46:50,425 --> 01:46:51,245 that's a good thing. 2605 01:46:51,265 --> 01:46:52,605 That's a mature thing. Mm-Hmm. . 2606 01:46:52,665 --> 01:46:54,845 I'm happy about it. I still hate 2607 01:46:54,845 --> 01:46:56,565 that fucking p word of patience. 2608 01:46:56,885 --> 01:46:58,725 - I know, I - Know. Because I would like all 2609 01:46:58,725 --> 01:47:01,045 of our problems solved yesterday. Thanks. 2610 01:47:01,235 --> 01:47:03,245 - Well, because some of these problems have been hanging 2611 01:47:03,245 --> 01:47:05,165 with us for years point, literal point. 2612 01:47:05,435 --> 01:47:09,925 - Yeah. - You know? Yeah. And, uh, so yeah. 2613 01:47:10,265 --> 01:47:13,405 And it, it, it drags on you. Mm-Hmm. 2614 01:47:13,445 --> 01:47:14,605 - . So, yeah. No, 2615 01:47:14,865 --> 01:47:16,405 no solutions from us, but Nope. 2616 01:47:16,515 --> 01:47:17,765 Just if it helps you 2617 01:47:17,765 --> 01:47:19,565 to have it acknowledged and I think it does help. 2618 01:47:19,965 --> 01:47:21,805 I think it is helpful if you have 2619 01:47:21,965 --> 01:47:23,085 a partner who will listen to you. 2620 01:47:23,385 --> 01:47:25,965 Mm-Hmm. . And, you know, 2621 01:47:26,715 --> 01:47:28,685 even if they can't relate completely, 2622 01:47:28,925 --> 01:47:30,205 'cause maybe they're in a different head space 2623 01:47:30,205 --> 01:47:31,245 or they just see things differently. 2624 01:47:31,265 --> 01:47:33,725 If they can disrespect that, this is how you see it, 2625 01:47:34,345 --> 01:47:35,845 um, you know. 2626 01:47:36,185 --> 01:47:37,165 Mm-Hmm. . I mean, I don't think 2627 01:47:37,165 --> 01:47:37,925 I, that can be helpful. 2628 01:47:38,075 --> 01:47:41,365 Yeah. So glad we ate lunch before we did this. 2629 01:47:41,525 --> 01:47:43,285 'cause I would be starving right now if we 2630 01:47:43,435 --> 01:47:44,435 - Same. 2631 01:47:44,545 --> 01:47:47,165 - I'm out of coffee. My throat hurts. 2632 01:47:47,385 --> 01:47:48,405 - I'm almost outta coffee. 2633 01:47:51,945 --> 01:47:53,245 So, but yeah. 2634 01:47:53,345 --> 01:47:56,555 You know, we are, um, we 2635 01:47:58,055 --> 01:48:00,875 are learning. 2636 01:48:01,135 --> 01:48:04,915 Mm-Hmm. and changing 2637 01:48:05,095 --> 01:48:07,075 and adjusting is necessary. And 2638 01:48:07,795 --> 01:48:10,035 - I know I keep telling myself that when we get 2639 01:48:10,095 --> 01:48:13,115 to the other side of this very long 2640 01:48:14,065 --> 01:48:15,475 descent into madness. 2641 01:48:15,665 --> 01:48:18,235 Yeah. Um, I hope that we 2642 01:48:19,065 --> 01:48:21,035 keep the skills that we've developed. 2643 01:48:21,035 --> 01:48:23,715 Yeah. Like it's, when things get good, it's real easy, 2644 01:48:23,825 --> 01:48:26,315 - Easy to, to - Just go, oh, we have less to worry about. 2645 01:48:26,335 --> 01:48:27,555 Mm-Hmm. . So a lot, lot of these things 2646 01:48:27,555 --> 01:48:29,355 that you've been doing to mitigate the 2647 01:48:29,355 --> 01:48:31,275 worry are unnecessary. 2648 01:48:31,415 --> 01:48:33,475 And I just hope that we remember the lessons 2649 01:48:33,545 --> 01:48:35,075 that we have learned through this tough time 2650 01:48:35,615 --> 01:48:38,195 and also, you know Mm-Hmm. 2651 01:48:38,235 --> 01:48:39,315 , the closeness, the skills, 2652 01:48:39,535 --> 01:48:41,235 the communication. Right. All that. 2653 01:48:42,135 --> 01:48:44,075 - Mm-Hmm. . - So, 2654 01:48:44,075 --> 01:48:44,835 - Yeah. Yep. Yep. 2655 01:48:45,545 --> 01:48:46,545 - Okay. - Okay. 2656 01:48:46,545 --> 01:48:48,115 - We should probably stop talking now. 2657 01:48:48,325 --> 01:48:50,595 We've been doing this for a very long time. Mm-Hmm. 2658 01:48:50,635 --> 01:48:52,315 It's almost two hours, 2659 01:48:52,495 --> 01:48:54,115 or it is two hours, depending on, 2660 01:48:54,585 --> 01:48:59,395 - Well, considering we started at, uh, noon, 1150. 2661 01:48:59,855 --> 01:49:01,275 Oh gosh. . Yeah. 2662 01:49:02,005 --> 01:49:04,075 We're one minute off from being two hours long. 2663 01:49:04,395 --> 01:49:06,915 - I would love to lie to a new person and go, no, no. 2664 01:49:06,945 --> 01:49:08,035 It's not always like this, 2665 01:49:08,295 --> 01:49:09,515 but , I'm not gonna 2666 01:49:09,515 --> 01:49:10,715 lie to you if you're new here. Yeah. 2667 01:49:10,745 --> 01:49:12,915 - Yeah. And that, and that's true. Katie. 2668 01:49:12,915 --> 01:49:15,755 Validation can mean more than the solutions. 2669 01:49:15,865 --> 01:49:19,515 Just, just, you know. Yeah. Validating someone's feelings 2670 01:49:20,615 --> 01:49:21,615 - Is, is big. 2671 01:49:21,615 --> 01:49:24,515 Think we, we all want to be seen and heard and understood. 2672 01:49:24,545 --> 01:49:26,115 Yeah. In whatever way that means. Mm-Hmm. . 2673 01:49:26,115 --> 01:49:27,915 And when you can genuinely have that, 2674 01:49:28,445 --> 01:49:31,235 especially since sometimes it is so difficult to have. 2675 01:49:31,465 --> 01:49:32,995 Yeah. It's meaningful. Mm-Hmm. . 2676 01:49:33,755 --> 01:49:36,435 I just am a very action-oriented human being. 2677 01:49:36,535 --> 01:49:38,235 And if I see the problem 2678 01:49:38,615 --> 01:49:42,475 and know the fix, I would like the fix to happen yesterday. 2679 01:49:43,595 --> 01:49:45,595 'cause why else come up with a fucking fix. Mm-Hmm. 2680 01:49:45,635 --> 01:49:47,765 . Also, I would like all problems 2681 01:49:47,825 --> 01:49:49,565 to have a solution. 2682 01:49:49,845 --> 01:49:51,565 I am very tired of having problems. 2683 01:49:51,805 --> 01:49:55,645 - with no clear solution. Yeah. . 2684 01:49:56,915 --> 01:49:58,885 Yeah. So, yeah. 2685 01:49:59,265 --> 01:50:01,445 - Anyway. - Okay. We're gonna go, we're gonna go. 2686 01:50:01,585 --> 01:50:04,685 Thanks for, uh, joining us and being here with us. It's, uh, 2687 01:50:05,225 --> 01:50:07,365 - If you are here at this - Point Right. 2688 01:50:07,745 --> 01:50:10,045 - For, uh, hanging in there. Yep. Uh, to the bitter end. 2689 01:50:10,105 --> 01:50:11,245 Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . 2690 01:50:11,245 --> 01:50:13,805 Um, yeah. We'll be back next week. 2691 01:50:14,025 --> 01:50:16,245 - Yep. And, uh, some of you will see Friday night 2692 01:50:16,355 --> 01:50:17,355 - Yeah. 2693 01:50:17,355 --> 01:50:18,725 Game night on the Patreon if you're in the 2694 01:50:18,725 --> 01:50:19,845 $5 and higher tiers. 2695 01:50:19,985 --> 01:50:21,165 Yep. You can join us. Mm-Hmm, . 2696 01:50:21,675 --> 01:50:22,805 Okay. All right. We're 2697 01:50:22,805 --> 01:50:23,805 - Gonna go. 2698 01:50:23,805 --> 01:50:24,245 Bye. Bye.