1 00:00:10,705 --> 00:00:12,325 - You are listening to loving BDSM podcast. 2 00:00:12,415 --> 00:00:14,085 Kayla Lord's here with the one, the only, 3 00:00:14,145 --> 00:00:15,565 the There's no way in hell you're fully 4 00:00:15,565 --> 00:00:16,805 caffeinated, John Brownstone. 5 00:00:17,065 --> 00:00:19,045 No, we had way too late of a night. Yeah. 6 00:00:19,385 --> 00:00:20,645 We are too old for this shit. 7 00:00:20,645 --> 00:00:22,965 - Yeah, we - Are. And if I'm too old at my age 8 00:00:22,985 --> 00:00:24,965 and you're 18 years older, you are 9 00:00:25,745 --> 00:00:26,925 way too old for this shit. 10 00:00:27,355 --> 00:00:28,925 - Damn straight. I know. - Your poor eyes, 11 00:00:28,955 --> 00:00:30,005 your bags have bags. 12 00:00:30,115 --> 00:00:33,125 Yeah. Yeah. Same. Looks like our bags are going on vacation. 13 00:00:33,485 --> 00:00:35,445 . They're moving. That's what it is. So many bags. 14 00:00:36,445 --> 00:00:38,205 . That is not what we're here to talk about. Nope. 15 00:00:38,345 --> 00:00:40,965 But we will in another recording later complain 16 00:00:40,965 --> 00:00:42,165 about it. Don't worry. . 17 00:00:42,885 --> 00:00:46,125 - . - What we're doing this week is answering a 18 00:00:46,245 --> 00:00:48,125 question from a kister who wants to know how to deal 19 00:00:48,125 --> 00:00:49,805 with family and friends who don't like 20 00:00:49,805 --> 00:00:50,965 the fact that they're kinky. 21 00:00:51,465 --> 00:00:53,165 Uh, that's something we, we have a little 22 00:00:53,215 --> 00:00:54,685 experience with. Mm-Hmm. 23 00:00:54,765 --> 00:00:55,765 - . Mm-Hmm. - . Welcome 24 00:00:55,765 --> 00:00:57,005 to the Loving BDSM podcast. 25 00:00:57,185 --> 00:00:59,205 If you're new here, we help kickers like you have happy, 26 00:00:59,205 --> 00:01:00,525 healthy power exchange relationships. 27 00:01:00,865 --> 00:01:02,605 Add the podcast to your favorite podcast apps. 28 00:01:02,625 --> 00:01:03,765 You never miss an episode. 29 00:01:04,025 --> 00:01:06,845 And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future one 30 00:01:06,845 --> 00:01:08,925 of these, uh, we have a contact page called Ask your 31 00:01:09,125 --> 00:01:11,765 Questions on our website@lovingbdsm.net. 32 00:01:11,765 --> 00:01:13,845 That's loving bdsm.net. 33 00:01:14,305 --> 00:01:15,485 Or you should be able 34 00:01:15,485 --> 00:01:18,045 to find the link in the show notes for this episode. 35 00:01:18,475 --> 00:01:22,325 Okay. So the question is, how do you handle family members 36 00:01:22,425 --> 00:01:24,045 and or friends who disagree 37 00:01:24,045 --> 00:01:26,685 with your kink lifestyle slash posts that you make online 38 00:01:26,945 --> 00:01:29,605 and decide to block or cut off contact because of it? 39 00:01:29,705 --> 00:01:30,885 To me, it feels hurtful 40 00:01:30,885 --> 00:01:32,485 that some people cannot be open-minded 41 00:01:32,485 --> 00:01:34,285 to others' preferences and likes. 42 00:01:34,515 --> 00:01:37,405 Even if it doesn't align with them personally, I feel 43 00:01:37,405 --> 00:01:39,165 as if I shouldn't have to water myself 44 00:01:39,425 --> 00:01:41,245 or my content down to please them. 45 00:01:42,705 --> 00:01:44,005 - Ah, good. - You shouldn't, 46 00:01:44,225 --> 00:01:47,165 you should not water yourself down to please other people 47 00:01:47,225 --> 00:01:49,285 who don't have to pay your bills, uh, 48 00:01:49,625 --> 00:01:52,445 and true, quite frankly, if you're not dependent on them 49 00:01:52,505 --> 00:01:56,845 for survival, you don't have to water yourself down. No. 50 00:01:56,995 --> 00:01:58,805 - However, - People get 51 00:01:58,805 --> 00:02:01,965 to remove themselves from your life, even if it's unfair. 52 00:02:02,275 --> 00:02:05,205 Yeah. Um, or based on false beliefs 53 00:02:05,465 --> 00:02:08,005 or, you know, done cruelly like Mm-Hmm. 54 00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:10,645 that part is wrong and it sucks, 55 00:02:10,825 --> 00:02:13,965 but they get to do that. 56 00:02:14,355 --> 00:02:17,685 - Yeah. I mean, unfortunately, that's their preference. 57 00:02:17,955 --> 00:02:20,165 Prerogative. Prerogative. Thank you. Mm-Hmm. . 58 00:02:20,175 --> 00:02:23,925 Thank you. You know, it'd be nice to say, and, 59 00:02:23,945 --> 00:02:26,405 and you know, I, I agree with you that Yeah. 60 00:02:26,425 --> 00:02:28,045 It, it is hurtful and it's, 61 00:02:28,265 --> 00:02:31,765 and it's sad that people have to be so judgmental 62 00:02:33,015 --> 00:02:36,725 about things, but unfortunately that's gonna happen. 63 00:02:36,945 --> 00:02:38,285 Mm-Hmm. , um, you know, 64 00:02:38,285 --> 00:02:39,365 whether you'd like it or not. 65 00:02:39,915 --> 00:02:43,445 Yeah. Not, not everybody is, is gonna be okay on, 66 00:02:43,465 --> 00:02:44,485 you know, there's 67 00:02:44,685 --> 00:02:47,965 - A reason most kinky people are very under the 68 00:02:47,965 --> 00:02:49,085 radar, very private. 69 00:02:49,155 --> 00:02:50,965 Yeah. Do not tell their friends 70 00:02:50,965 --> 00:02:52,885 or family that they're kinky. 71 00:02:53,265 --> 00:02:56,405 Um, that doesn't mean just 'cause other kinky people do it. 72 00:02:56,405 --> 00:02:58,565 That that's the choice you have to make if your choice is 73 00:02:58,565 --> 00:02:59,650 to be open, open and honest. 74 00:02:59,965 --> 00:03:01,205 I think that's wonderful. Mm-Hmm. 75 00:03:01,245 --> 00:03:05,125 , uh, I'm, I was forced to be open 76 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,525 and honest with my family. 77 00:03:06,595 --> 00:03:09,525 Yeah. JB was forced to be open and honest 78 00:03:09,905 --> 00:03:11,045 and not really open. 79 00:03:11,195 --> 00:03:13,925 More of a, oh, we found this thing out about you went, 80 00:03:14,355 --> 00:03:17,565 went looking where was wasn't really any of our business. 81 00:03:17,585 --> 00:03:20,045 We weren't invited in and then judged you for it. 82 00:03:20,185 --> 00:03:23,765 We both have had that experience separately to the extent 83 00:03:23,835 --> 00:03:27,045 that I literally have not been to my mother's house 84 00:03:27,905 --> 00:03:29,725 in Mississippi since 2019. 85 00:03:29,745 --> 00:03:32,805 Now I've seen my mother. It wasn't my mom who had a problem. 86 00:03:32,825 --> 00:03:36,445 It was the evil stepdad who threatened us 87 00:03:37,025 --> 00:03:39,125 if we didn't immediately get off his property. 88 00:03:39,155 --> 00:03:43,205 Yeah. Like South Mississippi gun toting 89 00:03:43,215 --> 00:03:44,685 folks threatened us. 90 00:03:44,685 --> 00:03:48,125 Mm-Hmm. . So we haven't been back . 91 00:03:49,065 --> 00:03:53,005 Um, and I'm, I'm of two minds 92 00:03:53,005 --> 00:03:54,965 because of what we've gone through and 93 00:03:54,965 --> 00:03:57,205 because of my own personal feelings about privacy, 94 00:03:57,505 --> 00:04:00,605 and I don't want to deal with judgmental opinions, 95 00:04:00,605 --> 00:04:03,845 even though we live on the internet. 96 00:04:03,945 --> 00:04:05,605 So we get judgmental opinions all the time. 97 00:04:06,245 --> 00:04:08,005 I tend to be a little bit more private and 98 00:04:08,065 --> 00:04:11,165 or if you're gonna know about my kink life, it's 99 00:04:11,165 --> 00:04:12,805 because I've met you through kink. 100 00:04:13,025 --> 00:04:14,365 That's a personal preference. Mm-Hmm. . 101 00:04:14,375 --> 00:04:16,405 Other people want to talk 102 00:04:16,405 --> 00:04:17,885 to their friends and family about it. 103 00:04:17,885 --> 00:04:19,005 They want to be open. 104 00:04:19,385 --> 00:04:21,805 But what you may, as it sounds like you have 105 00:04:22,315 --> 00:04:26,165 quickly figure out, is that some people are judgmental, 106 00:04:26,275 --> 00:04:28,925 some people don't wanna learn that it's not all the things 107 00:04:29,075 --> 00:04:30,885 that they think they know about it 108 00:04:31,755 --> 00:04:33,045 goes against their beliefs. 109 00:04:33,285 --> 00:04:35,925 I mean, all these reasons don't like it. 110 00:04:35,925 --> 00:04:37,125 Think you're a danger to children. 111 00:04:37,265 --> 00:04:40,845 Now, do we know that all of those beliefs are inaccurate 112 00:04:40,905 --> 00:04:44,845 and are based on, you know, misconceptions 113 00:04:44,945 --> 00:04:46,685 and false information and understanding? 114 00:04:47,325 --> 00:04:51,205 Absolutely. Yes. Sometimes we are not the best person 115 00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:53,125 to teach that family member or friend. 116 00:04:53,125 --> 00:04:55,165 Sometimes we are if they're open to it and wanna learn. 117 00:04:55,165 --> 00:04:56,085 Mm-Hmm. . We can, you can have 118 00:04:56,085 --> 00:04:56,685 that conversation. 119 00:04:56,685 --> 00:04:59,285 They can grow. They can, like my mom is, 120 00:04:59,565 --> 00:05:01,165 I don't really wanna think about it too hard. 121 00:05:01,185 --> 00:05:03,725 And I would never, but are you happy? 122 00:05:03,825 --> 00:05:06,445 Are my grandchildren happy and safe? I don't care. 123 00:05:06,545 --> 00:05:08,005 That's her philosophy. 124 00:05:08,755 --> 00:05:11,045 Evil stepfather thinks, I mean, 125 00:05:11,045 --> 00:05:12,405 he doesn't even believe in heaven and hell. 126 00:05:12,405 --> 00:05:15,405 But basically we're going to hell. We're miscreants. 127 00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:18,005 We're deviants, we're harming our children. Mm-Hmm. 128 00:05:18,045 --> 00:05:20,005 the worst things he can think about us. Right. 129 00:05:20,395 --> 00:05:22,725 He's not open to hearing from us that 130 00:05:22,725 --> 00:05:24,285 that is incorrect and inaccurate. 131 00:05:24,295 --> 00:05:28,165 Right. So sometimes they're not, 132 00:05:28,165 --> 00:05:29,885 they're not in a space to learn from you. 133 00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:34,045 And you have to decide if it is worth trying 134 00:05:34,045 --> 00:05:35,205 to salvage the relationship. 135 00:05:35,265 --> 00:05:37,445 And sometimes they're not gonna let you salvage it. 136 00:05:37,795 --> 00:05:40,365 They're gonna walk away. They're gonna cut you off. 137 00:05:40,665 --> 00:05:41,845 And that hurts. 138 00:05:41,985 --> 00:05:44,565 And that is gonna cause depending on the closeness 139 00:05:44,565 --> 00:05:47,165 of the relationship, a level of grief within you 140 00:05:47,165 --> 00:05:48,325 that needs to be honored. 141 00:05:48,465 --> 00:05:50,685 And you need to let yourself feel it 142 00:05:50,905 --> 00:05:53,365 and get help from your kink community, your therapist, 143 00:05:53,365 --> 00:05:56,165 whoever, whatever support you have, lean on them. 144 00:05:56,225 --> 00:05:57,565 But you cannot control them. 145 00:05:57,985 --> 00:05:59,605 You cannot at that point change, 146 00:05:59,605 --> 00:06:00,845 necessarily change their mind. 147 00:06:01,115 --> 00:06:02,925 They have to be open. Mm-Hmm. 148 00:06:02,965 --> 00:06:04,885 to changing their mind, reconnecting, learning 149 00:06:04,905 --> 00:06:06,205 and growing, deciding 150 00:06:06,205 --> 00:06:07,885 that they just don't want to think about it. 151 00:06:07,885 --> 00:06:09,285 Even though they know it about you, 152 00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:10,325 they don't want to talk about it. 153 00:06:10,475 --> 00:06:11,525 That is also their right. 154 00:06:11,625 --> 00:06:13,725 You might have friends and family members who are like, 155 00:06:13,875 --> 00:06:15,685 okay, you've told me this thing about you. 156 00:06:15,925 --> 00:06:17,485 I don't, I don't understand it. 157 00:06:17,565 --> 00:06:19,405 I don't like it and I don't wanna talk about it. 158 00:06:19,485 --> 00:06:22,445 I can be in your life and we can do other things together 159 00:06:22,445 --> 00:06:24,605 that do not revolve around this part of your life, 160 00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:26,805 but leave, leave me out of this. 161 00:06:27,075 --> 00:06:31,045 They also get to have that, uh, opinion 162 00:06:31,045 --> 00:06:32,685 and they get to consent about how much 163 00:06:32,785 --> 00:06:36,805 of your kink life they need to know about you then have 164 00:06:36,805 --> 00:06:40,685 to make the decision, is this relationship worth it to me? 165 00:06:40,705 --> 00:06:44,525 And is not talking about my kink side with this person. 166 00:06:45,995 --> 00:06:47,645 Okay. For me, healthy enough for me. 167 00:06:47,645 --> 00:06:48,965 Like sometimes it's gonna be toxic. 168 00:06:48,965 --> 00:06:51,125 They're gonna want you to, to deny everything 169 00:06:51,125 --> 00:06:52,965 that you are just to keep them comfortable. 170 00:06:53,425 --> 00:06:56,325 That's, that's not necessarily a relationship worth keeping, 171 00:06:56,585 --> 00:06:58,525 except that's up to you whether it is or not. 172 00:06:58,525 --> 00:07:03,285 Right. On the other hand, sometimes it's like, oh, well 173 00:07:03,925 --> 00:07:06,045 I don't go around telling my coworkers about my kink 174 00:07:06,045 --> 00:07:08,965 so I can keep conversations with fr friends and family. 175 00:07:09,425 --> 00:07:11,365 You know, on the non kink side of things. 176 00:07:11,435 --> 00:07:13,245 It's, it's not difficult for me to do 177 00:07:13,265 --> 00:07:14,645 and I'm willing to do that. 178 00:07:14,985 --> 00:07:18,085 So it's, it's about what both sides 179 00:07:18,085 --> 00:07:19,725 of this are comfortable with. 180 00:07:19,825 --> 00:07:21,925 And the, the shitty thing is, 181 00:07:21,985 --> 00:07:23,965 is people are gonna make these decisions about whether 182 00:07:23,965 --> 00:07:26,565 to keep you in their life based on false beliefs, 183 00:07:26,705 --> 00:07:29,045 but you will not necessarily be the one 184 00:07:29,045 --> 00:07:30,125 to convince them otherwise. 185 00:07:30,145 --> 00:07:31,725 And that's not necessarily your job. 186 00:07:32,025 --> 00:07:34,525 That's for them to go have their life experiences 187 00:07:34,705 --> 00:07:39,045 and maybe, maybe have their eyes opened one day. 188 00:07:39,555 --> 00:07:43,965 Your job is to go live your life in a way that is authentic 189 00:07:44,065 --> 00:07:46,165 to you and allows you to sleep at night. 190 00:07:46,165 --> 00:07:50,805 And Lola agrees. Yes. So what do you do? 191 00:07:51,385 --> 00:07:54,005 You live your life as authentically as possible, 192 00:07:54,745 --> 00:07:58,165 and you grieve the loss of connections with people 193 00:07:58,165 --> 00:08:00,005 that you thought would be less judgmental. 194 00:08:00,005 --> 00:08:01,005 Mm-Hmm. that you hoped would 195 00:08:01,005 --> 00:08:01,965 embrace all of you. 196 00:08:02,345 --> 00:08:04,445 You seek out found family 197 00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:07,365 and new friends that do accept who you are. 198 00:08:07,805 --> 00:08:09,965 A lot of that will likely come from the kink community, 199 00:08:09,965 --> 00:08:11,965 whether that's online or in person. 200 00:08:12,315 --> 00:08:13,365 Lola still agrees. Yep. 201 00:08:13,865 --> 00:08:17,325 Um, there may come a time when family members 202 00:08:17,385 --> 00:08:21,885 and friends who misjudged and were judgmental , um, 203 00:08:21,885 --> 00:08:23,285 and cut you off, come back 204 00:08:23,625 --> 00:08:25,445 and say, oh, I've learned new things. 205 00:08:25,635 --> 00:08:27,725 I've changed my mind. That's possible. 206 00:08:27,745 --> 00:08:29,965 But I would not hold my breath waiting on it. 207 00:08:30,045 --> 00:08:31,645 I would go live my best life without them 208 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,285 and grieve the loss of them. 209 00:08:33,385 --> 00:08:36,805 And then if by some chance they come back into your life, 210 00:08:37,305 --> 00:08:39,565 the person you are at that moment can decide, 211 00:08:40,065 --> 00:08:42,285 is this worth rekindling? 212 00:08:42,425 --> 00:08:44,285 Is this worth going down this path again? 213 00:08:44,865 --> 00:08:49,205 Um, but there's a very good reason that most people, 214 00:08:50,025 --> 00:08:51,285 um, keep it to themselves. 215 00:08:51,315 --> 00:08:52,845 They use false names on the internet. 216 00:08:52,845 --> 00:08:55,965 They don't let the, the streams of their vanilla 217 00:08:56,105 --> 00:08:58,725 and their kink life cross online or in person. 218 00:08:59,345 --> 00:09:02,605 Um, because it's, it's a very real possibility. 219 00:09:02,605 --> 00:09:04,605 People lose jobs, people lose custody of their children. 220 00:09:04,605 --> 00:09:06,965 Right. People get divorced over it. Now that mm-Hmm. 221 00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:11,205 is the divorces as, as much as that hurts 222 00:09:11,265 --> 00:09:13,645 to go through a divorce with a person you loved, 223 00:09:13,825 --> 00:09:15,525 and they have now, you know, 224 00:09:16,355 --> 00:09:18,325 made a judgment about you based on your kink. 225 00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:22,325 It, I think it helps you in the long run to not be tied 226 00:09:22,425 --> 00:09:25,565 to a person anymore who does not embrace the fact 227 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,245 that you're kinky and or just isn't kinky. 228 00:09:27,325 --> 00:09:28,685 'cause you're incompatible. But 229 00:09:28,685 --> 00:09:30,725 that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less . 230 00:09:30,725 --> 00:09:32,725 Right. You know, um, 231 00:09:33,505 --> 00:09:37,165 but it's, you handle it by letting them live their life, 232 00:09:37,525 --> 00:09:39,085 grieving their loss, and then Mm-Hmm. 233 00:09:39,125 --> 00:09:41,125 , go live your best life. 234 00:09:41,795 --> 00:09:44,885 - Yeah. I, you know, a couple things when it comes 235 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:47,925 to telling someone, especially family, you know, you, 236 00:09:47,945 --> 00:09:52,765 you have to look at it just like any other practice in kink 237 00:09:53,185 --> 00:09:54,245 and assess the risk. 238 00:09:54,425 --> 00:09:56,965 Mm-Hmm. , you know, you, you have to sit down 239 00:09:57,585 --> 00:10:01,965 and, and assess the risk of what could happen when you, 240 00:10:02,345 --> 00:10:03,525 you know, tell them Mm-Hmm. 241 00:10:03,565 --> 00:10:06,805 not everybody's gonna be open 242 00:10:07,665 --> 00:10:08,845 to it, unfortunately. 243 00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:11,365 So, you know, and, 244 00:10:11,545 --> 00:10:15,485 and the other thing, like with me at this point, um, 245 00:10:16,305 --> 00:10:19,565 my blood family, I have pretty much cut off contact 246 00:10:19,905 --> 00:10:22,085 - For reasons not necessarily about King 247 00:10:22,085 --> 00:10:23,725 - About King, but I mean, yeah. 248 00:10:24,065 --> 00:10:28,445 And, and my family is now Kayla and, 249 00:10:28,625 --> 00:10:30,445 and my king community. Mm-Hmm. . 250 00:10:30,585 --> 00:10:31,885 - Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. Uh, 251 00:10:32,015 --> 00:10:35,085 after meeting your family, 252 00:10:35,465 --> 00:10:38,045 and then your former, like 253 00:10:39,485 --> 00:10:42,245 previously married family, you helped raise stepchildren. 254 00:10:42,245 --> 00:10:43,165 Mm-Hmm. the first time. 255 00:10:43,165 --> 00:10:44,005 Now he is doing it again. 256 00:10:44,385 --> 00:10:46,405 Um, he's really good at it actually. 257 00:10:46,825 --> 00:10:49,405 Um, after having come across those folks, 258 00:10:49,525 --> 00:10:50,885 I basically offered up my family. 259 00:10:50,885 --> 00:10:53,165 When you, you can have my family . 260 00:10:53,165 --> 00:10:54,885 Uh, we're not perfect. We got our issues, 261 00:10:55,025 --> 00:10:57,045 but we're not that . 262 00:10:57,045 --> 00:11:00,085 Um, and then the evil stepfather Mm-Hmm. 263 00:11:00,125 --> 00:11:01,325 threatened us with violence 264 00:11:01,465 --> 00:11:03,525 to get us off his property. 265 00:11:03,615 --> 00:11:06,085 Right. Without telling my mother, she had no idea that 266 00:11:06,155 --> 00:11:07,685 that was the conversation. 267 00:11:08,305 --> 00:11:09,925 Um, and you know what it was, 268 00:11:09,925 --> 00:11:12,685 because he got too damn nosy I'd kept, they understood, 269 00:11:12,685 --> 00:11:16,685 like I worked, um, in these, in the adult industry, 270 00:11:16,745 --> 00:11:19,125 not making, they even understood I made content, 271 00:11:19,185 --> 00:11:20,725 but they thought, oh, you just review 272 00:11:20,795 --> 00:11:22,245 vibrators and that's what you do. 273 00:11:22,305 --> 00:11:25,405 And he got nosy. I kept a lot of that from them. 274 00:11:25,845 --> 00:11:27,125 'cause I was like, look, once you know, 275 00:11:27,185 --> 00:11:28,645 you can't unknow right? 276 00:11:28,865 --> 00:11:30,965 And if this stuff makes you uncomfortable, 277 00:11:32,185 --> 00:11:34,965 I'm gonna keep this distance for you 278 00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:36,165 and for me, quite frankly. 279 00:11:37,065 --> 00:11:38,645 And he got nosy and he went digging, 280 00:11:38,825 --> 00:11:41,605 and now he can't unsee it and he can't unknow it. 281 00:11:42,305 --> 00:11:45,805 Um, and there's a bit of a rift, 282 00:11:45,985 --> 00:11:48,325 and I still have a relationship with my mother. 283 00:11:48,505 --> 00:11:51,245 She comes to visit, but it's strained when , 284 00:11:51,625 --> 00:11:55,205 I'm her only child and I'm literally not allowed on his 285 00:11:55,885 --> 00:11:57,805 property, even though it's her property too. 286 00:11:58,265 --> 00:12:00,045 Um, that, that does cause a strain. 287 00:12:00,545 --> 00:12:03,325 Um, the other thing, you know, you talked about, you need 288 00:12:03,325 --> 00:12:04,685 to, uh, assess the risk. 289 00:12:04,745 --> 00:12:07,525 You do need to, to, what's the word I want? 290 00:12:07,745 --> 00:12:09,725 You need to respect consent. Mm-Hmm. . 291 00:12:09,725 --> 00:12:13,725 If you have a family member who incorrectly 292 00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:18,645 and in the most judgmental way, doesn't want anything to do 293 00:12:18,645 --> 00:12:20,605 with you because you're kinky, you get 294 00:12:20,605 --> 00:12:21,885 to know in your heart that they're wrong. 295 00:12:21,885 --> 00:12:23,725 That there's nothing fundamentally wrong with you. Mm-Hmm. 296 00:12:23,765 --> 00:12:24,725 that you are not a different 297 00:12:24,725 --> 00:12:25,885 person than they knew before. 298 00:12:26,945 --> 00:12:29,125 But you, they get 299 00:12:29,125 --> 00:12:31,405 to decide who's in their life and who isn't. 300 00:12:31,435 --> 00:12:35,445 Even if it's for wrongheaded, uh, uninformed reasons. Right. 301 00:12:35,745 --> 00:12:37,605 So let, to the extent 302 00:12:37,605 --> 00:12:40,285 that you can let them go, they might come back. 303 00:12:40,875 --> 00:12:44,805 They might not. Um, but, and gre, and I'm gonna say it again 304 00:12:44,805 --> 00:12:46,765 because I think this is the part people want to avoid 305 00:12:46,765 --> 00:12:50,325 because we all want to avoid non-consensual not good pain. 306 00:12:50,435 --> 00:12:54,365 Yeah. , um, grieve, grieve the loss. 307 00:12:54,555 --> 00:12:57,165 It's, it's their loss, but it's still your loss. 308 00:12:57,165 --> 00:12:58,285 Like I Mm-Hmm. , it's easy to go. 309 00:12:58,425 --> 00:13:00,165 That's their loss. They have one 310 00:13:00,165 --> 00:13:01,605 less fabulous person in their life. 311 00:13:01,705 --> 00:13:04,165 Yes. But you have the loss of a relationship. 312 00:13:04,745 --> 00:13:08,045 Now, my experience has been 313 00:13:08,515 --> 00:13:10,365 that the most judgmental people 314 00:13:10,595 --> 00:13:12,605 that I have come across about kink were 315 00:13:12,605 --> 00:13:14,005 very judgmental in other ways. 316 00:13:14,105 --> 00:13:15,325 And once I could step back 317 00:13:15,325 --> 00:13:18,405 and kind of take a look through slightly clearer eyes about 318 00:13:18,405 --> 00:13:20,805 who that person was, I wasn't really surprised. 319 00:13:20,805 --> 00:13:23,365 Sometimes people will shock you, like they play real nice 320 00:13:23,505 --> 00:13:24,845 and they, and as long 321 00:13:24,845 --> 00:13:26,845 as the conversation topics are mundane, 322 00:13:27,025 --> 00:13:28,405 you can, you don't really know. 323 00:13:28,985 --> 00:13:31,525 But sometimes the bigger the reaction, 324 00:13:31,525 --> 00:13:33,045 the more judgmental the reaction. 325 00:13:33,595 --> 00:13:35,605 It's not quite from left field. Yeah. It's painful. 326 00:13:35,865 --> 00:13:37,045 And it's not really a shock. 327 00:13:37,345 --> 00:13:40,205 So, you know, I think the more levelheaded of folks 328 00:13:40,205 --> 00:13:41,365 who are just disturbed, 329 00:13:41,365 --> 00:13:44,125 because they only know stereotypes are 330 00:13:44,125 --> 00:13:45,245 people who could come around. 331 00:13:45,265 --> 00:13:48,485 Mm-Hmm. . But they get to decide that not you. 332 00:13:49,105 --> 00:13:52,045 So all you can do is keep doing what feels right for you, 333 00:13:52,155 --> 00:13:53,525 what makes you happy, 334 00:13:54,155 --> 00:13:57,285 what you feel is safe enough. 335 00:13:57,645 --> 00:13:59,165 'cause as we've said many times, there's some such 336 00:13:59,165 --> 00:14:00,245 thing as safe in kink. 337 00:14:00,245 --> 00:14:02,205 Mm-Hmm. . There's just being aware of the risk 338 00:14:02,225 --> 00:14:04,165 and making a, a judgment call. 339 00:14:04,585 --> 00:14:06,485 Um, and surround yourself with people who, 340 00:14:06,825 --> 00:14:09,245 who appreciate you for you. 341 00:14:10,185 --> 00:14:13,445 Um, and maybe make sure more of those people are kink aware 342 00:14:13,585 --> 00:14:15,565 and or kinky, you know? 343 00:14:15,705 --> 00:14:18,085 Mm-Hmm. . But it's tough and it sucks. Yeah. 344 00:14:18,105 --> 00:14:22,925 It absolutely sucks. Yeah, it does. Um, and it changes you. 345 00:14:23,125 --> 00:14:24,925 I mean, I, I already had trust issues, 346 00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:27,285 but I'm almost like, 347 00:14:27,585 --> 00:14:29,645 I'm almost a ghost when I'm out in the vanilla world. 348 00:14:29,925 --> 00:14:32,525 'cause I, I'm much more comfortable being Kayla Lord's 349 00:14:33,085 --> 00:14:36,165 kinky woman than I am being insert legal name, 350 00:14:36,955 --> 00:14:38,565 just person on the planet. 351 00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:43,245 Um, and no, if I don't already know you're kinky, you, 352 00:14:43,505 --> 00:14:46,045 you will not be given that information about me. 353 00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:48,565 Right. Um, from me willingly. 354 00:14:48,905 --> 00:14:52,285 Um, there are times like the, we have an 18-year-old, 355 00:14:52,355 --> 00:14:53,565 he's now a legal adult. 356 00:14:53,665 --> 00:14:56,605 He does not know a single detail about our life 357 00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:59,845 or our relationship, but he knows it's not a vanilla flavor. 358 00:14:59,845 --> 00:15:01,045 Right? Mm-Hmm. , that's 359 00:15:01,045 --> 00:15:02,085 as much as he needs to know. 360 00:15:02,085 --> 00:15:04,405 But he li you know, he lived in this house, he lived 361 00:15:04,405 --> 00:15:05,565 with me his whole life. 362 00:15:06,265 --> 00:15:10,445 Um, kids aren't completely, you know, oblivious, 363 00:15:10,445 --> 00:15:11,805 especially as they get older. 364 00:15:12,225 --> 00:15:16,245 But we also have the, the added bonus of we work in this, 365 00:15:16,465 --> 00:15:18,445 you know, part of, part of life. 366 00:15:18,625 --> 00:15:20,485 So it is all encompassing for us. 367 00:15:20,585 --> 00:15:22,965 So there's certain things that once they get older 368 00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:25,845 and you're not worried about, you know, harming them 369 00:15:25,985 --> 00:15:28,685 or, you know, being inappropriate 370 00:15:28,685 --> 00:15:30,085 because they're just too young, they're, 371 00:15:30,085 --> 00:15:31,765 they might see or hear or whatever. 372 00:15:32,345 --> 00:15:34,765 Um, but even that's the extent of it. 373 00:15:34,785 --> 00:15:37,165 He doesn't have a, he doesn't get to have a single detail. 374 00:15:37,385 --> 00:15:40,765 And, but everybody else, if I don't know, you're kinky. 375 00:15:40,865 --> 00:15:42,445 You don't get to know this part of me. Right. 376 00:15:42,445 --> 00:15:43,845 Because I, 377 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:47,645 I just won't put myself out there like that again. 378 00:15:47,985 --> 00:15:49,645 No. I didn't even put myself 379 00:15:49,645 --> 00:15:50,685 out there like it the first time. 380 00:15:50,825 --> 00:15:52,045 No. It got found out. 381 00:15:52,325 --> 00:15:54,285 Somebody started digging, didn't ask questions, 382 00:15:54,355 --> 00:15:55,605 made assumptions happened to you. 383 00:15:55,605 --> 00:15:58,205 Two Yep. Years apart happened to him 384 00:15:58,205 --> 00:15:59,445 through fucking Facebook. 385 00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,565 Oh God. The bane of our existence. . 386 00:16:01,945 --> 00:16:04,845 Um, and then, you know, gossip spread 387 00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:07,605 and people started becoming the victim in their own 388 00:16:07,605 --> 00:16:08,645 perceived narrative of 389 00:16:08,645 --> 00:16:10,565 how they even connected to any of this. 390 00:16:10,705 --> 00:16:13,405 And, uh, it was, it was distasteful. Yeah. 391 00:16:13,865 --> 00:16:16,445 But all you can do is sort of move on. Mm-Hmm. 392 00:16:16,485 --> 00:16:18,005 and keep living your life in the way 393 00:16:18,005 --> 00:16:19,005 that feels authentic to you. 394 00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:23,205 Yep. Absolutely. So could I keep going on about this? 395 00:16:23,225 --> 00:16:26,205 Of course. We're gonna leave it there. Yep. Mm-Hmm. 396 00:16:26,245 --> 00:16:28,645 , um, for anybody going through this, um, 397 00:16:28,795 --> 00:16:30,325 just know you can get through this. 398 00:16:30,385 --> 00:16:33,445 The only way over under, Nope. Gotta go through it. Mm-Hmm. 399 00:16:33,485 --> 00:16:35,005 . Um, and you can come out the other side 400 00:16:35,065 --> 00:16:37,765 and not be as miserable as you might be right now. 401 00:16:37,825 --> 00:16:40,125 That's true. Mm-Hmm. , thanks for listening 402 00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:41,565 to this week's q and a episode. 403 00:16:41,665 --> 00:16:43,445 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 404 00:16:43,515 --> 00:16:46,645 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, 405 00:16:46,785 --> 00:16:48,445 or you can find the link in the show notes. 406 00:16:48,825 --> 00:16:50,845 Big thanks as always, to our kinky community over on 407 00:16:50,845 --> 00:16:53,725 Patreon, we're able to do this podcast and keep it going 408 00:16:53,725 --> 00:16:55,525 and help Sters due to your support. 409 00:16:55,905 --> 00:16:57,485 If you'd like to be part of our community 410 00:16:57,485 --> 00:16:58,845 and get access to extra content 411 00:16:58,945 --> 00:17:01,205 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 412 00:17:01,205 --> 00:17:02,765 super nice kinks, you can do that. 413 00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:05,485 Just join us at patreon.com/kloss. 414 00:17:05,505 --> 00:17:09,525 That's patreon.com/klos, or use the link in the show notes.