1 00:00:10,825 --> 00:00:13,005 - You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast Killer. 2 00:00:13,005 --> 00:00:15,685 The Lord's here with the one, the only, the guy I think, uh, 3 00:00:15,685 --> 00:00:17,125 might look better in purple than I do. 4 00:00:17,195 --> 00:00:18,245 John Brownstone. Uh 5 00:00:18,245 --> 00:00:19,245 - Oh. 6 00:00:19,245 --> 00:00:20,325 Wow. Was not expecting that 7 00:00:20,725 --> 00:00:21,725 - . 8 00:00:21,725 --> 00:00:22,565 Well, you're wearing your purple shirt, 9 00:00:22,585 --> 00:00:23,605 and I like that purple shirt. 10 00:00:23,625 --> 00:00:25,205 Mm-Hmm. . And I like you in purple. 11 00:00:26,105 --> 00:00:30,485 And I don't have as much purple as people would think I do. 12 00:00:31,245 --> 00:00:33,405 I also don't have that shade of purple. True. 13 00:00:33,565 --> 00:00:35,725 I also just think you might look better in purple than 14 00:00:35,725 --> 00:00:36,805 I do. It's 15 00:00:36,805 --> 00:00:37,805 - Just so you see. 16 00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:38,485 I think we were destined to meet 17 00:00:38,485 --> 00:00:40,365 because I liked purple. Way before I met you. 18 00:00:41,085 --> 00:00:42,885 - I liked purple way before I met you too. 19 00:00:43,265 --> 00:00:44,845 But when I started liking purple, 20 00:00:45,185 --> 00:00:47,165 you were already an adult . 21 00:00:47,385 --> 00:00:49,885 So, But let's not make it creepy. 22 00:00:49,985 --> 00:00:51,805 And that's not, we're here before . 23 00:00:53,435 --> 00:00:55,765 This week, we're answering a question from a Kister 24 00:00:55,765 --> 00:00:57,965 who feels like they're the only, uh, 25 00:00:58,135 --> 00:01:00,085 monogamous person in their kink community. 26 00:01:00,595 --> 00:01:02,245 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. 27 00:01:02,465 --> 00:01:04,485 If you're new here, we help kinks just like you have happy, 28 00:01:04,485 --> 00:01:05,765 healthy power exchange relationships. 29 00:01:06,185 --> 00:01:07,885 Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app 30 00:01:07,885 --> 00:01:08,965 so you never miss an episode. 31 00:01:09,225 --> 00:01:11,645 And if you'd like us to answer your question in an upcoming 32 00:01:11,645 --> 00:01:14,885 episode, we have a contact page called Ask your Questions on 33 00:01:14,885 --> 00:01:17,245 our website@lovingbdsm.net. 34 00:01:17,425 --> 00:01:19,645 That's loving bdsm.net, 35 00:01:19,945 --> 00:01:22,325 and you can find it in the show notes for this episode. 36 00:01:26,425 --> 00:01:28,835 Okay. Let's get directly into this question. 37 00:01:29,555 --> 00:01:31,755 I recently got involved with a local kink community. 38 00:01:31,995 --> 00:01:33,035 Although I've been interested in the 39 00:01:33,035 --> 00:01:34,315 lifestyle for a long time. 40 00:01:34,735 --> 00:01:37,035 Almost everyone in the local community is Polly. 41 00:01:37,195 --> 00:01:39,115 I try not to judge, but it makes me feel like a freak 42 00:01:39,115 --> 00:01:40,915 among the freaks As a monogamous person, 43 00:01:41,655 --> 00:01:43,115 I'm meeting hardly anyone who's 44 00:01:43,115 --> 00:01:44,235 single in the community either. 45 00:01:44,575 --> 00:01:45,715 I'm happy to make new friends, 46 00:01:45,735 --> 00:01:47,995 but I'm recently single ready to find a new relationship 47 00:01:48,215 --> 00:01:50,035 and frustrated with vanilla dating sites. 48 00:01:50,565 --> 00:01:51,675 Polly just isn't for me. 49 00:01:51,675 --> 00:01:54,195 And as much as I try not to judge, I have to wonder if, 50 00:01:54,195 --> 00:01:56,995 to some extent, being poly is the quote in 51 00:01:57,005 --> 00:01:58,355 thing in the kink community. 52 00:01:58,735 --> 00:02:01,555 Is it like this in all of kink or just in some communities? 53 00:02:01,735 --> 00:02:02,995 Is it a recent trend? 54 00:02:03,095 --> 00:02:04,715 Do you think it will continue to be this way? 55 00:02:05,315 --> 00:02:07,155 I know I wouldn't be happy in a poly relationship 56 00:02:07,175 --> 00:02:08,475 as I'm just not wired for it. 57 00:02:08,475 --> 00:02:09,715 And I've been through a lot of abuse, 58 00:02:09,735 --> 00:02:12,755 and I've never had anyone, including family prioritize me. 59 00:02:13,275 --> 00:02:15,355 I don't want to have to compromise on what I want 60 00:02:15,355 --> 00:02:16,675 because I'm tired of being lonely. 61 00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:19,195 But sometimes I feel like I might end up needing to, 62 00:02:19,195 --> 00:02:20,835 because I'm not finding other options. 63 00:02:21,315 --> 00:02:22,995 I don't like it or express it openly. 64 00:02:22,995 --> 00:02:24,355 But I'm starting to feel resentful 65 00:02:24,495 --> 00:02:26,795 and sometimes wondering if the only friends I'm making in 66 00:02:26,795 --> 00:02:28,675 the community aren't really my friends, 67 00:02:28,735 --> 00:02:30,715 but just see me as a potential sex partner, 68 00:02:31,205 --> 00:02:33,195 where are the single monogamous sters? 69 00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:35,715 And how can I work through these feelings without being 70 00:02:35,715 --> 00:02:37,595 disrespectful towards poly people? 71 00:02:38,545 --> 00:02:40,075 There's a lot to unpack 72 00:02:40,075 --> 00:02:41,075 - In this. 73 00:02:41,075 --> 00:02:41,475 There, there is, there is, 74 00:02:41,545 --> 00:02:42,715 - There's there's a lot. 75 00:02:42,755 --> 00:02:46,515 A lot. Um, let's start with the base question. Yeah. 76 00:02:46,895 --> 00:02:50,915 Of, am I the only monogamous person in kink anymore? 77 00:02:51,275 --> 00:02:53,395 , uh, am I the only, uh, 78 00:02:53,395 --> 00:02:55,235 monogamous person in my kink community? 79 00:02:55,415 --> 00:02:57,075 The simple answer to that is no, you are not. 80 00:02:57,265 --> 00:02:59,180 There's no way in hell you're the only one. Right. 81 00:02:59,305 --> 00:03:01,325 But let's talk about that part first. 'cause Mm-Hmm. 82 00:03:01,365 --> 00:03:03,005 , there's, there's some stuff to unpack here. 83 00:03:03,285 --> 00:03:06,045 , um, as a poly person, 84 00:03:06,245 --> 00:03:07,965 a non-monogamous person, I should say. 85 00:03:07,965 --> 00:03:11,205 Mm-Hmm. , um, uh, functioning within the, 86 00:03:11,205 --> 00:03:12,365 the kink world. 87 00:03:12,745 --> 00:03:14,565 Mm-Hmm. . What, what are your thoughts? 88 00:03:14,565 --> 00:03:15,565 What's your, um, 89 00:03:16,785 --> 00:03:20,245 - You know, it does, it seemed that way at times that 90 00:03:20,245 --> 00:03:23,525 that poly has become, uh, prevalent Mm-Hmm. 91 00:03:23,565 --> 00:03:25,125 in, in kink. 92 00:03:26,065 --> 00:03:29,005 And, and I think it's a, a lot to do with it 93 00:03:29,005 --> 00:03:31,245 because people talk about it so much 94 00:03:31,635 --> 00:03:32,635 - More than they ever did before. 95 00:03:32,635 --> 00:03:34,365 - More they ever did before. Mm-Hmm. . 96 00:03:34,665 --> 00:03:36,325 Um, you know, and let's face it, 97 00:03:36,345 --> 00:03:38,645 people don't talk about monogamy. 98 00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:40,965 - You don't have to when it's the norm. Yeah. It's 99 00:03:40,965 --> 00:03:42,085 - Like, it's just understood. 100 00:03:42,085 --> 00:03:43,365 Right. When, when it's, when it's considered the norm. 101 00:03:43,575 --> 00:03:45,485 Understood. So, you know, yes. 102 00:03:45,665 --> 00:03:50,125 You, you seem to be bombarded with poly this, poly 103 00:03:50,125 --> 00:03:53,765 that this group, that group, you know, it, it does seem 104 00:03:53,765 --> 00:03:54,925 to come across that way, 105 00:03:55,665 --> 00:03:58,765 but it is not the definitive No. 106 00:03:59,035 --> 00:04:03,085 Okay. Uh, you do not have to be poly to be kinky. 107 00:04:03,085 --> 00:04:04,565 You don't have to be kinky to be poly. 108 00:04:04,785 --> 00:04:08,285 People who practice poly who never dip their toes into kink 109 00:04:08,805 --> 00:04:09,805 - . 110 00:04:09,805 --> 00:04:09,965 Right? Absolutely. Yeah. 111 00:04:09,965 --> 00:04:12,685 Oh, they're definitely vanilla, non-monogamous people. 112 00:04:13,825 --> 00:04:17,205 - So, you know, while it may seem that it is prevalent, 113 00:04:17,265 --> 00:04:19,205 and that is the only thing, it's not, 114 00:04:19,355 --> 00:04:20,445 it's really, really not. 115 00:04:20,705 --> 00:04:23,645 - And it te tends to seem prevalent when you are 116 00:04:23,985 --> 00:04:26,085 or feel like you are on the outside of the group. 117 00:04:26,085 --> 00:04:27,645 Mm-Hmm. when you are, are not used 118 00:04:27,645 --> 00:04:29,805 to hearing about it on a consistent basis. 119 00:04:30,385 --> 00:04:33,965 And then that makes you aware of it when it happens, 120 00:04:33,965 --> 00:04:36,205 because you're like, wait, this is not my normal. 121 00:04:36,705 --> 00:04:39,125 And I'm quote, hearing about it all the time. 122 00:04:39,865 --> 00:04:42,565 You really are not. It's just a higher percentage than 123 00:04:42,565 --> 00:04:43,845 you've ever experienced before. 124 00:04:44,705 --> 00:04:46,605 One reality is that non-monogamous 125 00:04:46,605 --> 00:04:47,645 people have always existed. 126 00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:50,685 It's like every other type of human out there. 127 00:04:51,055 --> 00:04:53,245 We've, we've always existed. two. 128 00:04:53,385 --> 00:04:56,845 The thing about kink is that once you open yourself up 129 00:04:56,865 --> 00:05:00,925 to BDSM, power exchange, non kink, 130 00:05:01,025 --> 00:05:03,085 non vanilla ways of expressing and, 131 00:05:03,145 --> 00:05:07,365 and experiencing, you know, uh, relationships, those people 132 00:05:07,385 --> 00:05:10,885 who are drawn to non-monogamy now, 133 00:05:11,075 --> 00:05:12,285 it's almost like they have a little bit 134 00:05:12,285 --> 00:05:14,365 of permission to explore that. Mm-Hmm. 135 00:05:14,405 --> 00:05:17,685 - . - So you will get, you know, uh, 136 00:05:18,365 --> 00:05:21,685 somebody who's willing to explore air, air quote this taboo 137 00:05:22,905 --> 00:05:25,805 is also willing, maybe if, if they feel like they're wired 138 00:05:25,805 --> 00:05:28,605 that way to explore open relationships, 139 00:05:28,605 --> 00:05:30,325 non-monogamy, polyamory, whatever. 140 00:05:30,945 --> 00:05:34,165 Um, so that's part of it. Mm-Hmm. . 141 00:05:34,225 --> 00:05:37,365 Um, the other part of it is people cluster together like 142 00:05:37,445 --> 00:05:41,565 clusters to like, not, not an insignificant amount of time. 143 00:05:41,565 --> 00:05:44,125 Right. So it's very possible that 144 00:05:45,065 --> 00:05:49,125 the community you happened to, uh, go to first, 145 00:05:49,275 --> 00:05:51,845 your first month, your first event, however mm-Hmm. 146 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:53,165 you're experiencing the kink community 147 00:05:54,285 --> 00:05:57,220 happened to be a bunch of non-monogamous people 148 00:05:57,225 --> 00:06:00,365 who gathered together, or, you know, it wasn't always 149 00:06:00,365 --> 00:06:02,165 that way, but enough non-monogamous people 150 00:06:02,165 --> 00:06:03,245 felt comfortable there. 151 00:06:03,245 --> 00:06:04,885 So they started telling their friends, hey, 152 00:06:05,185 --> 00:06:06,485 or they started feeling comfortable 153 00:06:06,485 --> 00:06:07,645 enough to explore and express. 154 00:06:07,645 --> 00:06:09,165 And so now you've got a little cluster 155 00:06:09,705 --> 00:06:14,325 of non-monogamous people who, you know, air quote this. 156 00:06:14,325 --> 00:06:16,325 And I, I eye rolling a little bit 157 00:06:16,485 --> 00:06:17,645 'cause I don't love the language of it, 158 00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:18,805 but they feel like they're everywhere. 159 00:06:18,805 --> 00:06:19,965 They're really not. Mm-Hmm. 160 00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:21,125 , it goes back to what you said. 161 00:06:21,125 --> 00:06:22,285 When you're monogamous, you don't have 162 00:06:22,285 --> 00:06:24,325 to talk about being monogamous in under 163 00:06:24,325 --> 00:06:25,365 typical circumstances. 164 00:06:25,375 --> 00:06:27,365 Right. Because it is considered the norm. 165 00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:30,445 So is it that everybody in your, 166 00:06:30,505 --> 00:06:32,965 the community you're experiencing is non monogamous? 167 00:06:32,965 --> 00:06:35,725 Or it's the people you're talking to who aren't you talking 168 00:06:35,785 --> 00:06:38,125 to, who's over there just ha living their life 169 00:06:38,185 --> 00:06:39,285 and they don't need 170 00:06:39,285 --> 00:06:40,965 to talk about the state of their relationship? 171 00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:43,005 Mm-Hmm. , because there's nothing really 172 00:06:43,005 --> 00:06:44,085 for them to talk about. 173 00:06:44,825 --> 00:06:47,525 Um, but if you feel like, 174 00:06:47,665 --> 00:06:50,165 and your experience has been that you are in a group of 175 00:06:51,085 --> 00:06:52,605 majority non monogamous people, 176 00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:55,365 and you do not feel like you are able 177 00:06:55,385 --> 00:06:57,565 to meet another monogamous person in this group, 178 00:06:57,835 --> 00:06:59,405 then it is time to expand your group. 179 00:06:59,985 --> 00:07:03,445 Um, if you're in a major metro area, which quite frankly, 180 00:07:03,625 --> 00:07:06,285 if you are in a group of air, 181 00:07:06,285 --> 00:07:07,845 quote this majority non monogamous people, 182 00:07:08,025 --> 00:07:10,165 you can't tell me you're not near a major 183 00:07:10,255 --> 00:07:11,405 metro area . 184 00:07:11,405 --> 00:07:15,245 Right. Um, so there are probably other events 185 00:07:15,585 --> 00:07:18,565 and other groups you can go explore and see Mm-Hmm. 186 00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:21,445 if the vibe is the right match for you, um, 187 00:07:22,665 --> 00:07:24,845 to see if you can find maybe potential partners. 188 00:07:24,975 --> 00:07:27,405 There are absolutely, um, communities 189 00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:29,805 where they'll do singles nights and they'll do Mm-Hmm. 190 00:07:29,845 --> 00:07:33,245 , um, little sort of like events that are more 191 00:07:33,265 --> 00:07:37,085 for you to not, it's not like a dating service, 192 00:07:37,185 --> 00:07:39,285 but sort of for you to, everybody knows they're there 193 00:07:39,285 --> 00:07:43,285 to maybe meet somebody that they might have an attraction to 194 00:07:43,285 --> 00:07:45,845 and get to, to do something, whether explore something, 195 00:07:45,845 --> 00:07:48,165 whether date or get kinky, whatever, whatever. 196 00:07:48,165 --> 00:07:51,965 Right? So if this is not the right fit for you, 197 00:07:51,985 --> 00:07:54,645 and you do not feel like these are, these are your people, 198 00:07:54,755 --> 00:07:56,085 then it's time to go find more people. 199 00:07:56,395 --> 00:07:58,765 Yeah. Um, , if, 200 00:07:58,765 --> 00:08:01,645 however you can, next time you go to one of those events, 201 00:08:01,665 --> 00:08:02,885 you can step back a little bit 202 00:08:02,885 --> 00:08:06,965 and see, you know, as there's a word sort of objectively 203 00:08:07,145 --> 00:08:09,565 as any one person can, and step back 204 00:08:09,565 --> 00:08:10,605 and look at the actual crowd. 205 00:08:10,745 --> 00:08:13,445 Are you going to talk to the same 10 people every time 206 00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:15,365 and there's another 20 people you've 207 00:08:15,365 --> 00:08:16,445 never introduced yourself to? 208 00:08:17,075 --> 00:08:18,245 Then it's not the group, 209 00:08:18,475 --> 00:08:20,205 it's the people you're gravitating towards. 210 00:08:20,665 --> 00:08:23,685 So maybe go introduce yourself to other people. Mm-Hmm. 211 00:08:23,725 --> 00:08:26,685 . Um, but let's get into some 212 00:08:26,685 --> 00:08:27,925 of the other parts of 213 00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:28,925 - This. 214 00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:30,245 If there's now one other, one other quick thing I 215 00:08:30,245 --> 00:08:31,445 wanna add, add to that. 216 00:08:32,065 --> 00:08:33,725 Um, you know, if you live in an area 217 00:08:33,865 --> 00:08:38,485 and you cannot find a, a group outside of these poly groups, 218 00:08:39,145 --> 00:08:41,045 um, maybe look at starting something. 219 00:08:41,275 --> 00:08:42,365 Sure, sure. 220 00:08:42,365 --> 00:08:45,525 You know, um, start your own group that, that fits 221 00:08:45,635 --> 00:08:47,445 what you are looking for better. 222 00:08:47,845 --> 00:08:51,005 - I would not advertise it as monogamous people only, like 223 00:08:51,005 --> 00:08:54,365 that's, but you, you know, your vibe attracts your tribe. 224 00:08:54,525 --> 00:08:56,245 I mean, that's cliche and kind of silly, 225 00:08:56,385 --> 00:08:57,405 but it, it really does. 226 00:08:57,505 --> 00:09:00,325 If you want to bring more or different 227 00:09:00,345 --> 00:09:02,925 or other people into your kink community, 228 00:09:03,295 --> 00:09:04,325 start your own munch. 229 00:09:04,635 --> 00:09:07,925 Yeah. Start a group, have a meetup, something, 230 00:09:08,265 --> 00:09:10,965 it will be small at first, most likely, 231 00:09:11,585 --> 00:09:14,205 but if you, you know, maintain a good kind 232 00:09:14,205 --> 00:09:15,725 of community vibe, it can grow 233 00:09:15,725 --> 00:09:16,725 - Over time. 234 00:09:16,725 --> 00:09:18,965 Yeah. I mean, it could be a possibility that, you know, the, 235 00:09:18,965 --> 00:09:22,485 uh, this, this poly group within this community, uh, 236 00:09:22,515 --> 00:09:24,205 they have put together, you know, 237 00:09:24,205 --> 00:09:26,325 these functions for themselves. 238 00:09:26,555 --> 00:09:29,725 Sure. And there could very well be a number 239 00:09:29,725 --> 00:09:33,245 of monogamous people in the community 240 00:09:33,585 --> 00:09:35,485 who knowing they're not poly, 241 00:09:35,625 --> 00:09:37,725 do not attend this particular event. 242 00:09:37,755 --> 00:09:40,365 - That is very possible. You know, that is typically though, 243 00:09:41,545 --> 00:09:44,725 you will see common language to, to, like, there's a way 244 00:09:44,725 --> 00:09:47,365 to let people know that this is, you know, mostly 245 00:09:48,025 --> 00:09:49,165 non-monogamous folks. 246 00:09:49,165 --> 00:09:50,325 Mm-Hmm. . Um, 247 00:09:50,985 --> 00:09:52,845 but yeah, I, I think you have a lot of options. 248 00:09:53,025 --> 00:09:54,605 Expand your horizons within the group. 249 00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:57,925 Look for other events and groups and meetups 250 00:09:57,925 --> 00:09:59,245 and munches and whatever else. 251 00:10:00,105 --> 00:10:04,045 Um, start your own thing if, if you don't think it exists. 252 00:10:04,215 --> 00:10:06,605 Those, those are all, those are all your options. 253 00:10:06,705 --> 00:10:10,085 But the, the basic answer to your basic question, 254 00:10:10,345 --> 00:10:14,965 you are not the only monogamous person in kink, uh, the, 255 00:10:15,055 --> 00:10:18,925 every time we get this question, it is, I think out of 10, 256 00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:20,845 almost 10 years of doing this, 257 00:10:21,525 --> 00:10:23,045 I think we've received one question 258 00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:25,085 where the per person was non monogamous. 259 00:10:25,085 --> 00:10:26,325 And they're like, how do I find the 260 00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:27,405 other non monogamous people? 261 00:10:27,405 --> 00:10:30,405 Mm-Hmm. . And the rest of the time it's a, 262 00:10:30,435 --> 00:10:32,645 it's a monogamous person going, I'm the only one. 263 00:10:32,705 --> 00:10:33,885 You are never the only one. 264 00:10:34,365 --> 00:10:36,965 Monogamy is still the cultural norm, 265 00:10:37,185 --> 00:10:38,565 at least here where we live. 266 00:10:38,635 --> 00:10:41,245 Yeah. And we are still, I say we we're not monogamous. 267 00:10:41,245 --> 00:10:42,885 Monogamous people are still the majority. 268 00:10:43,385 --> 00:10:44,965 Um, it might be 269 00:10:45,595 --> 00:10:49,285 that in kink you get a slightly different percentage. 270 00:10:49,345 --> 00:10:52,085 Mm-Hmm. , because kinky people tend 271 00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:54,045 to be more open to all kinds of exploration, 272 00:10:54,465 --> 00:10:58,365 but monogamy is still the majority nearly everywhere. 273 00:10:58,465 --> 00:10:59,525 So let's get into some 274 00:10:59,525 --> 00:11:01,645 of these other thoughts you've expressed. 275 00:11:01,755 --> 00:11:05,485 Okay. Um, so when you have 276 00:11:05,485 --> 00:11:08,085 to tell me twice in one paragraph that you're trying not 277 00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:10,245 to judge, you might not realize it. 278 00:11:10,305 --> 00:11:11,645 I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt. 279 00:11:11,645 --> 00:11:13,725 You're, you're coming across as judgmental. 280 00:11:14,445 --> 00:11:17,685 I do like the, uh, I actually like the expression, 281 00:11:17,685 --> 00:11:18,845 am I the freak among freaks? 282 00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:19,925 We're all freaks secret. Yeah. Okay. 283 00:11:19,925 --> 00:11:21,525 It doesn't matter what your flavor or freak is. 284 00:11:21,735 --> 00:11:25,885 We're all freaks here. Um, so I can almost 285 00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:30,365 hear other non-monogamous people grinding their teeth at the 286 00:11:30,595 --> 00:11:34,125 idea that non-monogamy polyamory open 287 00:11:34,125 --> 00:11:35,965 relationships is a trend. 288 00:11:36,515 --> 00:11:39,725 Yeah. That's like saying every marginalized identity, like 289 00:11:40,425 --> 00:11:42,245 gender and sexuality is a trend. 290 00:11:42,305 --> 00:11:44,605 Why? Because we are just seeing it more 291 00:11:44,605 --> 00:11:45,925 because we have access. 292 00:11:45,925 --> 00:11:47,805 Mm-Hmm. , we have access to being able 293 00:11:47,805 --> 00:11:49,405 to see people that we would never have seen 294 00:11:49,405 --> 00:11:50,485 prior pre-internet. 295 00:11:50,865 --> 00:11:52,445 And more people are starting 296 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:55,885 to feel more comfortable expressing their identities 297 00:11:55,885 --> 00:11:59,445 and their ways of being and living where we can see it. 298 00:11:59,465 --> 00:12:01,885 And within the kink community, in kink safe spaces 299 00:12:01,895 --> 00:12:04,565 where we think, Hey, this is a place where I'm allowed 300 00:12:04,565 --> 00:12:05,845 to kind of just be who I am. 301 00:12:06,195 --> 00:12:08,085 Then we, uh, many people, not all, 302 00:12:08,105 --> 00:12:09,845 but many people feel even more safe 303 00:12:11,115 --> 00:12:14,405 hearing about something more than you ever did at 304 00:12:14,405 --> 00:12:15,565 some point in your life. 305 00:12:16,105 --> 00:12:19,525 Pre kink, I would imagine does not mean it's new or trendy. 306 00:12:19,525 --> 00:12:21,285 Mm-Hmm. it just means you're gaining more 307 00:12:21,605 --> 00:12:23,245 exposure to it and more people are starting 308 00:12:23,245 --> 00:12:25,085 to feel more comfortable expressing themselves. 309 00:12:25,085 --> 00:12:27,365 Mm-Hmm. , um, the example that gets used online 310 00:12:27,945 --> 00:12:31,445 all the time, usually when we're having to, 311 00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:35,165 to fight the argument that being trans is trendy. 312 00:12:35,275 --> 00:12:38,045 It's not, it's not trans people have also always existed, 313 00:12:38,185 --> 00:12:40,165 but the argument that gets used 314 00:12:40,165 --> 00:12:43,805 or the, the example that gets used is that once we hit 315 00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:48,605 that point in time where, um, schools stop trying 316 00:12:48,605 --> 00:12:52,165 to force left-handed people to be Right-handed. 317 00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:54,405 Yeah. . Then there was a spike 318 00:12:54,585 --> 00:12:56,245 of left-handed people, left-handed. 319 00:12:56,245 --> 00:12:58,845 People weren't just all born in one year that year. Mm-Hmm. 320 00:12:58,885 --> 00:13:00,365 , it was, they no longer had 321 00:13:00,365 --> 00:13:01,445 to pretend to be something. 322 00:13:01,445 --> 00:13:02,925 They weren't. They're not. And so the numbers 323 00:13:03,835 --> 00:13:05,165 skyrocketed for a few years. 324 00:13:05,165 --> 00:13:05,925 Mm-Hmm. . And people going, 325 00:13:06,025 --> 00:13:07,165 Hey, yeah, I'm left-handed. 326 00:13:07,465 --> 00:13:09,845 And then it, it stabilized and it normalized. 327 00:13:09,865 --> 00:13:14,285 And now it's like typical, like whatever part of the, uh, 328 00:13:14,495 --> 00:13:17,925 percentage of humanity is left-handed is, is stabilized. 329 00:13:18,195 --> 00:13:19,925 This is not any different . 330 00:13:20,305 --> 00:13:23,405 Um, I do think more people are now being 331 00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:28,005 feeling more, I don't know, say if comfortable is the word, 332 00:13:28,065 --> 00:13:30,325 but feeling like they have the option 333 00:13:30,425 --> 00:13:32,525 to explore non-monogamy Yeah. 334 00:13:32,835 --> 00:13:37,445 Than ever before. But the desire for it is not a new thing. 335 00:13:37,555 --> 00:13:39,685 It's just the, Hey, wait, I have a, a way 336 00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:42,125 to go figure out am I this Mm-Hmm. 337 00:13:42,165 --> 00:13:43,245 how does this work? 338 00:13:44,065 --> 00:13:47,525 And quite frankly, non-monogamous people are ab not in the 339 00:13:47,525 --> 00:13:49,805 same way that like other marginalized identities are, 340 00:13:49,805 --> 00:13:52,725 but they're absolutely still looked down upon part 341 00:13:52,725 --> 00:13:54,645 of the wording of your question, even if that's not 342 00:13:54,645 --> 00:13:57,165 what you intended is a good example of it. 343 00:13:57,165 --> 00:13:58,285 Right? Mm-Hmm. , like, what's 344 00:13:58,285 --> 00:13:59,485 wrong with all these poly people? 345 00:13:59,485 --> 00:14:02,885 And there's definitely the trope 346 00:14:02,985 --> 00:14:05,805 and the stereotype online of, well, 347 00:14:05,805 --> 00:14:07,685 if you're non-monogamous, you're just a cheater. 348 00:14:07,685 --> 00:14:09,605 You're just trying to like justify your cheating. 349 00:14:09,985 --> 00:14:12,085 So there's stereotypes and there's Yeah. 350 00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:15,645 You know, there's pushback from, uh, people 351 00:14:15,645 --> 00:14:17,325 who don't want the, the standard and the norm 352 00:14:17,325 --> 00:14:21,245 and the typical change, uh, monogamous people mostly. 353 00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:23,765 So , just 354 00:14:23,765 --> 00:14:25,125 because you're seeing it more, 355 00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:27,365 doesn't mean it just started existing once 356 00:14:27,365 --> 00:14:28,525 you paid attention to it. 357 00:14:28,845 --> 00:14:31,085 - . Right. Right. It's been around, it's, yeah. 358 00:14:31,395 --> 00:14:33,165 It's been around it. It, it has been there 359 00:14:33,705 --> 00:14:37,165 and you know, now just like everything else, you know, 360 00:14:37,355 --> 00:14:39,205 more people are talking about it. 361 00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:41,445 So it seems more visible. Yes. 362 00:14:41,785 --> 00:14:43,645 Um, you know, now going into the other, 363 00:14:43,745 --> 00:14:46,045 do you think it will continue to be this way? 364 00:14:46,705 --> 00:14:48,365 Um, here's my take on it. 365 00:14:48,365 --> 00:14:50,565 It will continue to be that way until it isn't 366 00:14:51,285 --> 00:14:52,285 - . 367 00:14:52,285 --> 00:14:53,485 Yeah. It's that same spike of everybody's left-handed 368 00:14:53,505 --> 00:14:54,725 for some reason until it 369 00:14:54,925 --> 00:14:56,565 - Stabilizes, uh, you know, let it, 370 00:14:56,585 --> 00:14:58,845 it is just another cycle. 371 00:14:58,905 --> 00:15:00,165 Mm-Hmm. maybe. Mm-Hmm. . 372 00:15:00,305 --> 00:15:03,605 Um, you know, you go back into the, into the BDSM world. 373 00:15:03,735 --> 00:15:07,405 There was a time when, when old guard was prevalent. Sure. 374 00:15:07,755 --> 00:15:11,365 Okay. Uh, the Gorian movement brought about 375 00:15:11,505 --> 00:15:12,505 - Master slave owner. 376 00:15:12,505 --> 00:15:13,845 - Slave master slave owner. Yeah. 377 00:15:13,995 --> 00:15:15,245 Kink. Yeah. . Thank you. 378 00:15:15,835 --> 00:15:19,205 - Yeah. - And then high protocol, which was another one 379 00:15:19,205 --> 00:15:20,445 that was prevalent for a while. 380 00:15:20,465 --> 00:15:22,205 And then it kind of, you know. Right. 381 00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:25,365 And, and it's still there. People still do high protocol, 382 00:15:25,665 --> 00:15:27,245 but you know, it, it is move. 383 00:15:27,265 --> 00:15:28,605 It has become, you know, from, 384 00:15:29,075 --> 00:15:30,245 - It's right along the lines. 385 00:15:30,425 --> 00:15:34,005 The, the most contemporary example I think we can give is 50 386 00:15:34,025 --> 00:15:36,085 shades has made everybody kinky know 387 00:15:36,085 --> 00:15:37,205 the fuck It didn't 388 00:15:37,605 --> 00:15:39,005 - - Know the fuck it. 389 00:15:39,125 --> 00:15:43,005 I watched an internet comment conversation on 390 00:15:43,545 --> 00:15:44,925 the kin's Instagram. 391 00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:46,885 Mm-Hmm. quite frankly, I thought I posted 392 00:15:46,885 --> 00:15:48,965 something funny and folks started getting philosophical 393 00:15:49,625 --> 00:15:52,045 and there had somebody had to educate another person 394 00:15:52,045 --> 00:15:53,085 that all these problems 395 00:15:53,085 --> 00:15:55,445 that you were outlining about what's wrong in kink, 396 00:15:55,445 --> 00:15:56,605 they were blaming 50 shades. 397 00:15:56,605 --> 00:15:59,125 They're like, no, no, no. This existed before 50 shades. 398 00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:01,005 Like kink existed before 50 shades. Right. 399 00:16:01,025 --> 00:16:04,085 So anything that gains some perceived 400 00:16:04,775 --> 00:16:06,085 popularity, right. 401 00:16:06,085 --> 00:16:07,765 Where people, more people explore it, 402 00:16:07,765 --> 00:16:10,525 more people talk about it more is a subjective 403 00:16:10,525 --> 00:16:11,565 term more than what? 404 00:16:11,565 --> 00:16:13,165 Mm-Hmm. . I don't know. I can't measure that. 405 00:16:13,985 --> 00:16:17,325 If you are not part of that group that identifies 406 00:16:17,325 --> 00:16:18,565 with whatever that thing is, 407 00:16:18,825 --> 00:16:20,965 it will feel like it is quote everywhere. 408 00:16:21,515 --> 00:16:25,045 Yeah. Um, and especially if you don't identify with it 409 00:16:25,045 --> 00:16:27,245 and don't want to explore it for yourself, you're like, 410 00:16:27,245 --> 00:16:28,685 oh my God, I can't get away from it. 411 00:16:29,515 --> 00:16:31,725 It's mostly 'cause you're probably hyper aware and 412 00:16:31,785 --> 00:16:34,285 or you have Well, we said to the beginning, 413 00:16:34,665 --> 00:16:36,765 you have come across a part of the kink community 414 00:16:36,765 --> 00:16:38,125 where a bunch of non-monogamous people 415 00:16:38,125 --> 00:16:39,445 either found one another Mm-Hmm. 416 00:16:39,485 --> 00:16:40,885 or were brought together purposefully 417 00:16:41,145 --> 00:16:43,125 and they just feel comfortable with one another. 418 00:16:43,415 --> 00:16:47,965 Right. And so you like just found them without realizing 419 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:49,525 that's what the group was. 420 00:16:49,955 --> 00:16:51,925 They are not representative of all of kink. 421 00:16:51,925 --> 00:16:54,685 There's no single group, kink group you can walk into 422 00:16:54,835 --> 00:16:56,805 that is representative of all of kink. 423 00:16:56,835 --> 00:16:58,765 It's way too individualized. 424 00:16:59,075 --> 00:17:00,485 - It's too nuanced and diversified. 425 00:17:00,735 --> 00:17:03,125 - Right. So . Yeah. 426 00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:06,725 It's gonna seem like everybody's talking about it 427 00:17:06,855 --> 00:17:08,445 until it becomes normal to you. 428 00:17:08,465 --> 00:17:11,205 Mm-Hmm. and being normal to you does not mean 429 00:17:11,205 --> 00:17:12,445 that you're required to go do it. 430 00:17:12,505 --> 00:17:15,165 It just means it's not, it's not novel anymore. 431 00:17:15,165 --> 00:17:17,045 It's not this strange thing to you 432 00:17:17,045 --> 00:17:18,325 that you have to wrap your mind around. 433 00:17:18,595 --> 00:17:20,765 It's just a thing that's kind of background noise. 434 00:17:21,045 --> 00:17:22,205 'cause it doesn't apply to you. 435 00:17:23,065 --> 00:17:25,085 You don't want it, but you know, it exists. 436 00:17:25,265 --> 00:17:29,205 And we, for many people, especially new to communities, 437 00:17:29,205 --> 00:17:31,205 you don't have to be new to kink, but new to a community 438 00:17:31,205 --> 00:17:32,245 where that is open 439 00:17:32,245 --> 00:17:34,085 and people do feel comfortable talking about that 440 00:17:34,305 --> 00:17:36,005 and being themselves in that way. 441 00:17:37,035 --> 00:17:38,525 Yeah. You're gonna feel like, wait, 442 00:17:38,665 --> 00:17:39,965 is, is this the whole thing? 443 00:17:39,985 --> 00:17:43,165 Is this everything? 'cause it's not normalized for you yet. 444 00:17:43,675 --> 00:17:47,325 Once it is, you probably won't even notice it that much. 445 00:17:47,325 --> 00:17:48,645 Mm-Hmm. . That doesn't mean you have 446 00:17:48,645 --> 00:17:50,570 to stay in, in a group where you don't feel like you're 447 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,205 meeting the people that are right for you. 448 00:17:52,235 --> 00:17:54,605 That, especially when you're specifically looking for 449 00:17:55,285 --> 00:17:56,605 somebody who might be a potential partner, 450 00:17:57,185 --> 00:17:59,565 you're not required to stay in a group, you know, 451 00:18:00,185 --> 00:18:01,725 if it's not a good fit for you, 452 00:18:01,865 --> 00:18:05,565 but to, to look at a group of people that 453 00:18:05,565 --> 00:18:07,325 because you don't, their, 454 00:18:07,575 --> 00:18:09,925 their life is not the one you would want 455 00:18:10,025 --> 00:18:11,845 and you feel like you're outnumbered in the group 456 00:18:12,195 --> 00:18:13,445 does not make it trendy. 457 00:18:13,765 --> 00:18:15,125 . Mm-Hmm. it just means you've never 458 00:18:15,675 --> 00:18:17,605 been in the minority for something before 459 00:18:17,745 --> 00:18:20,045 and you're, you're getting to go through 460 00:18:20,045 --> 00:18:22,005 that experience on some scale. 461 00:18:22,545 --> 00:18:25,085 Um, I'm not saying you're, I don't know anything about you. 462 00:18:25,185 --> 00:18:26,285 I'm not saying you're not a minority, 463 00:18:26,305 --> 00:18:27,925 but you've, you've been monogamous 464 00:18:28,465 --> 00:18:29,645 and now you're the minority 465 00:18:29,985 --> 00:18:33,285 or perceived minority from monogamous to non monogamous. 466 00:18:33,585 --> 00:18:35,245 And there's a shift you have to go through. Mm-Hmm. 467 00:18:35,285 --> 00:18:38,685 to like, you know, learn 468 00:18:38,945 --> 00:18:40,365 to like, not freak out about it. 469 00:18:40,425 --> 00:18:42,125 I'm not saying you're freaking out, but there's, 470 00:18:42,125 --> 00:18:43,245 there's a lot here. 471 00:18:44,675 --> 00:18:46,205 Okay. Anything else about that? 472 00:18:46,205 --> 00:18:48,845 Because there is, there is definitely one part Yeah. 473 00:18:48,845 --> 00:18:51,125 We have to touch on because I can almost hear our 474 00:18:51,125 --> 00:18:53,405 non-monogamous folks screeching in the 475 00:18:53,405 --> 00:18:54,805 background as you should. 476 00:18:55,475 --> 00:18:59,445 Okay. Okay. Okay. Where was it? Here we go. . 477 00:19:00,145 --> 00:19:01,365 I'm starting to feel resentful 478 00:19:01,425 --> 00:19:04,005 and sometimes wondering if the only friends I'm making in 479 00:19:04,005 --> 00:19:05,845 the community aren't really my friends, 480 00:19:06,265 --> 00:19:08,365 but just see me as a potential sex partner. 481 00:19:12,015 --> 00:19:14,605 We've, yeah. You've got to unpack that because Mm-Hmm. 482 00:19:14,645 --> 00:19:16,725 , and I can, I'm, I am a 483 00:19:17,485 --> 00:19:19,805 straight cis straightish. 484 00:19:20,005 --> 00:19:22,405 I haven't explored, but I'm mostly straight. 485 00:19:22,705 --> 00:19:23,765 I'm definitely cis. 486 00:19:23,915 --> 00:19:27,925 I've never had to think about my identity that much, 487 00:19:28,265 --> 00:19:29,685 so I don't wanna speak Mm-Hmm. 488 00:19:29,725 --> 00:19:32,005 for people. But I'm going to relay things 489 00:19:32,065 --> 00:19:34,845 as I have heard them explained to the world. 490 00:19:35,865 --> 00:19:37,485 That's like thinking that 491 00:19:37,485 --> 00:19:41,805 because you are friends with, let's say I'm a woman 492 00:19:41,905 --> 00:19:43,605 and I'm friends with lesbians. 493 00:19:43,815 --> 00:19:45,365 Maybe they're not really my friends. 494 00:19:45,495 --> 00:19:46,965 Maybe they want to hit on me. 495 00:19:47,785 --> 00:19:50,965 If that, that should feel a little gross. . Okay. 496 00:19:51,555 --> 00:19:52,685 It's not that much different. 497 00:19:52,795 --> 00:19:54,845 What you're describing here is not that much different. 498 00:19:55,105 --> 00:19:57,405 It is assuming that these people 499 00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:58,565 are not really your friends. 500 00:19:58,875 --> 00:20:01,565 They see you as like a mark that they're gonna come at 501 00:20:01,705 --> 00:20:04,045 and they're being dishonest about it. 502 00:20:04,765 --> 00:20:08,125 I, I, people who have a better way of explaining this 503 00:20:08,125 --> 00:20:10,045 and a better lived experience can probably explain this 504 00:20:10,045 --> 00:20:13,805 better than I can, but that that's distasteful . 505 00:20:13,835 --> 00:20:15,885 Yeah. Disrespectful and it's 506 00:20:15,885 --> 00:20:16,885 - Distasteful. 507 00:20:16,885 --> 00:20:19,885 Right. And, and, and my first thought on seeing that was, 508 00:20:19,985 --> 00:20:22,525 you know, and don't get me wrong, 509 00:20:23,135 --> 00:20:25,685 being poly can involve sex. 510 00:20:26,195 --> 00:20:30,845 Yeah. But the thing with poly over say swinging 511 00:20:30,905 --> 00:20:35,765 or maybe having an open relationship is that in poly it's 512 00:20:36,025 --> 00:20:39,205 as much and more about the feels about creating 513 00:20:39,365 --> 00:20:40,485 a connection with somebody. 514 00:20:40,485 --> 00:20:42,085 Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. actually 515 00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:45,245 building a relationship than, you know, 516 00:20:45,355 --> 00:20:46,725 just jumping into bed. 517 00:20:47,175 --> 00:20:49,765 - Right? Like, if you've got the major umbrella term 518 00:20:49,765 --> 00:20:50,925 of non-monogamy Mm-Hmm. 519 00:20:50,965 --> 00:20:53,085 . And then you break that out between open 520 00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:55,965 relationship swinging polyamory, like you've got all kinds 521 00:20:55,965 --> 00:20:57,845 of different experiences going on there. 522 00:20:58,305 --> 00:21:00,445 Um, and what I don't know is, are you using poly 523 00:21:00,505 --> 00:21:01,885 as the catchall for non-monogamy? 524 00:21:01,885 --> 00:21:03,525 Or do you mean specifically polyamorous? 525 00:21:04,105 --> 00:21:06,125 But I think that I 526 00:21:07,825 --> 00:21:09,485 I'm not saying you're a bad human 527 00:21:09,485 --> 00:21:10,725 being for having these thoughts. 528 00:21:10,885 --> 00:21:14,005 I am saying you are absolutely showing signs of somebody 529 00:21:14,025 --> 00:21:16,365 who has never come across this, um, mm-Hmm. 530 00:21:16,405 --> 00:21:18,485 anything outside of your perceived norm. 531 00:21:18,545 --> 00:21:20,285 And it is making you uncomfortable. 532 00:21:20,465 --> 00:21:24,485 And I am glad that you are not walking around asking your, 533 00:21:24,675 --> 00:21:26,205 your friends who are non-monogamous. 534 00:21:26,265 --> 00:21:27,445 Are you my friend? 'cause you want 535 00:21:27,445 --> 00:21:29,165 to get in my pants , or are you my friend? 536 00:21:29,475 --> 00:21:32,085 Like, I'm, I'm glad you do not appear to be doing that. 537 00:21:32,085 --> 00:21:36,045 Right. Please don't do that. Um, I do think that 538 00:21:36,995 --> 00:21:38,125 what you are feeling 539 00:21:38,225 --> 00:21:41,165 and how you are perceiving this is a you thing. 540 00:21:41,885 --> 00:21:44,445 I, I mean, I, you have not explained anything 541 00:21:44,445 --> 00:21:46,925 that makes me think that you're walking into kink events 542 00:21:47,265 --> 00:21:49,565 and all the non-monogamous people are just walking 543 00:21:49,565 --> 00:21:52,365 around like trying to like bump uglies with you 544 00:21:52,365 --> 00:21:53,605 because you walked in the room 545 00:21:53,625 --> 00:21:55,565 and they assumed you were non-monogamous. 546 00:21:55,865 --> 00:21:58,805 The vast majority of non-monogamous people, certainly the 547 00:21:59,395 --> 00:22:00,885 responsible Mm-Hmm. 548 00:22:01,085 --> 00:22:04,405 ethical, non-monogamous people are aware 549 00:22:04,475 --> 00:22:06,645 that quite frankly, most people are monogamous. 550 00:22:06,675 --> 00:22:09,245 They're gonna be more aware of it than you are. Mm-Hmm. 551 00:22:09,285 --> 00:22:10,885 because they have to navigate the world 552 00:22:10,885 --> 00:22:13,685 knowing that they want a different relationship style 553 00:22:13,985 --> 00:22:15,525 and they're mostly gonna meet monogamous people. 554 00:22:15,705 --> 00:22:19,645 So I feel like you're projecting a little bit Mm-Hmm. 555 00:22:19,765 --> 00:22:20,965 . And you're worried about a thing 556 00:22:20,965 --> 00:22:22,405 that maybe hasn't happened. 557 00:22:22,745 --> 00:22:25,725 And also you are, I would say you're frustrated 558 00:22:25,885 --> 00:22:27,685 'cause you wanna meet a partner and you're meeting people 559 00:22:27,685 --> 00:22:28,845 who are not right for you. 560 00:22:29,635 --> 00:22:33,325 That is, that is a you problem, not a them problem. Right. 561 00:22:33,395 --> 00:22:36,085 They're not doing anything wrong by just existing 562 00:22:36,085 --> 00:22:37,565 and offering you friendship. 563 00:22:38,825 --> 00:22:41,485 You are having feelings, strong feelings about wanting 564 00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:44,925 to find a partner and only in your mind only coming across 565 00:22:44,925 --> 00:22:46,605 people who will not be a good fit for you. 566 00:22:47,075 --> 00:22:49,845 It's actually a really good skill to learn to realize 567 00:22:49,945 --> 00:22:51,365 who is not a good fit for you. 568 00:22:51,365 --> 00:22:53,125 That is how you Mm-Hmm. mostly, 569 00:22:54,255 --> 00:22:57,685 often not always avoid relationships that are gonna, 570 00:22:57,825 --> 00:22:58,845 are not gonna end well. 571 00:22:58,845 --> 00:23:01,805 Right. Yeah. You're actually learning a very good skill 572 00:23:01,835 --> 00:23:04,885 here, but to, to worry 573 00:23:05,345 --> 00:23:09,045 and to start feeling resentful that they're only friends 574 00:23:09,115 --> 00:23:11,485 with you because you might be a potential partner. 575 00:23:11,555 --> 00:23:12,725 Yeah. I just, I mean, 576 00:23:14,565 --> 00:23:18,285 - I mean, if, if that really is the case, that's, that, 577 00:23:18,285 --> 00:23:19,565 that's a no on them. 578 00:23:20,265 --> 00:23:24,325 Um, because just like with any ster, uh, you know, of, of, 579 00:23:24,345 --> 00:23:28,005 of any diversity, no matter where you are in, in, 580 00:23:28,065 --> 00:23:30,645 in the kink scenes, you know, it's, it's a matter 581 00:23:30,645 --> 00:23:32,325 of respecting boundaries. 582 00:23:32,465 --> 00:23:34,565 Mm-Hmm. . And, you know, if you 583 00:23:35,105 --> 00:23:38,965 attend this group and they are aware that you are 584 00:23:39,775 --> 00:23:41,325 monogamous, you know, and, 585 00:23:41,425 --> 00:23:43,005 and not poly, you know, 586 00:23:43,075 --> 00:23:44,925 they should be respecting those boundaries. 587 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:46,880 - Right. And if you're in a group that's not respecting your 588 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:48,780 boundaries, you're not in the right group for you at all. 589 00:23:48,780 --> 00:23:50,645 Mm-Hmm. , you need to withdraw yourself 590 00:23:50,645 --> 00:23:52,365 and go find another community space. 591 00:23:52,365 --> 00:23:54,205 Right? I mean, that's just a given. Mm-Hmm. . 592 00:23:54,465 --> 00:23:56,965 Um, but are they disrespecting your boundaries 593 00:23:57,025 --> 00:24:00,085 or are you worried that maybe they could, 594 00:24:00,195 --> 00:24:04,245 because again, the feelings of resentment are building 595 00:24:04,245 --> 00:24:05,685 because you want something 596 00:24:05,685 --> 00:24:07,525 that you are not finding in this group. 597 00:24:07,525 --> 00:24:10,645 Mm-Hmm. the thing is, um, even I'll say this, 598 00:24:10,645 --> 00:24:14,405 even if you live in like a very small area, 599 00:24:15,385 --> 00:24:17,605 you have more opportunities for community than you realize. 600 00:24:17,605 --> 00:24:19,205 They might not always be in person. 601 00:24:19,235 --> 00:24:21,525 Sometimes they're gonna have to be online. Mm-Hmm. 602 00:24:21,565 --> 00:24:23,765 . Or you're gonna have to travel for it. 603 00:24:23,845 --> 00:24:26,685 I absolutely know people who live in such a space 604 00:24:26,685 --> 00:24:28,925 where in order to have in-person community, 605 00:24:28,955 --> 00:24:30,285 it's probably a couple hour drive. 606 00:24:30,425 --> 00:24:32,365 Yes. Or more. That definitely exists. 607 00:24:32,625 --> 00:24:35,525 But if you have the means and the opportunity 608 00:24:35,545 --> 00:24:37,925 and the willingness, then that's what you do 609 00:24:37,945 --> 00:24:40,965 to go find your community and or you get online. 610 00:24:41,115 --> 00:24:45,485 Because online you will absolutely find even more diversity 611 00:24:45,825 --> 00:24:48,845 of spaces, of types of communities, of types of people. 612 00:24:49,115 --> 00:24:51,925 Because in on the internet, it's a little bit easier to kind 613 00:24:51,925 --> 00:24:53,845 of categorize, Hey, this is what our group is 614 00:24:53,845 --> 00:24:55,365 and that's what their group is, and Mm-Hmm. 615 00:24:55,405 --> 00:24:56,925 , you know, you can search for that. 616 00:24:57,425 --> 00:25:02,045 So, you know, if you haven't already started exploring 617 00:25:02,105 --> 00:25:04,605 beyond what you found initially 618 00:25:04,705 --> 00:25:08,245 and where you started going, that's the next step. 619 00:25:08,425 --> 00:25:13,365 If, if the folks that you're around are not, you know, 620 00:25:13,365 --> 00:25:15,605 if the group, the community is not giving you what you need 621 00:25:15,665 --> 00:25:17,645 and you're not finding what you need here, 622 00:25:17,725 --> 00:25:19,085 then go find another group. 623 00:25:19,105 --> 00:25:21,525 Or like you said, create it for yourself. Mm-Hmm. 624 00:25:21,565 --> 00:25:23,125 . But please, please, please 625 00:25:23,785 --> 00:25:28,445 do not put your issues on these folks who by, 626 00:25:28,785 --> 00:25:31,485 by the little bit you've told us here seem to not that like, 627 00:25:31,765 --> 00:25:32,965 nobody's like coming up to you 628 00:25:32,965 --> 00:25:35,205 and like pressing themselves up against you going, Hey, 629 00:25:35,265 --> 00:25:36,805 be my third partner. 630 00:25:37,285 --> 00:25:38,845 I mean, are they, if that's the case, 631 00:25:38,845 --> 00:25:39,845 - That's different. 632 00:25:39,845 --> 00:25:41,005 I mean, if, if that, if that is the case, then 633 00:25:41,005 --> 00:25:42,445 that's a whole different situation 634 00:25:42,445 --> 00:25:43,565 that's, I don't think that's happening. 635 00:25:43,665 --> 00:25:46,005 And, and you need to to definitely step back. Yes. 636 00:25:46,285 --> 00:25:47,565 - I don't think that's what's happening here. 637 00:25:47,805 --> 00:25:48,965 I think you're projecting a little bit. 638 00:25:49,205 --> 00:25:51,605 I think you are, you know, frustrated. 639 00:25:51,725 --> 00:25:55,045 I think that you are maybe a little overwhelmed by it 640 00:25:55,045 --> 00:25:56,645 because it's not normal to you. 641 00:25:57,155 --> 00:25:58,565 Lola agrees. Mm-Hmm. . 642 00:25:58,905 --> 00:26:02,325 Um, so the way I see it, Mm-Hmm. 643 00:26:02,365 --> 00:26:04,525 , JB please, please jump in. Okay. 644 00:26:04,785 --> 00:26:06,885 Is if you are unhappy in this 645 00:26:06,885 --> 00:26:08,525 group, step back from this group. 646 00:26:08,525 --> 00:26:10,765 Mm-Hmm. . Okay. Because the more unhappy you 647 00:26:10,825 --> 00:26:12,965 are, the more that's gonna leak out onto them. 648 00:26:12,985 --> 00:26:14,405 And if they haven't actually done 649 00:26:14,605 --> 00:26:15,645 anything to you, that's not fair to them. 650 00:26:15,775 --> 00:26:19,525 Right. Um, the other thing I would say is maybe do some, 651 00:26:19,575 --> 00:26:23,325 spend some time learning, um, from online sources or books 652 00:26:23,325 --> 00:26:26,445 or whatever, um, about non-monogamy, just to kind 653 00:26:26,445 --> 00:26:27,965 of get your mind wrapped around it. 654 00:26:28,025 --> 00:26:29,885 Not Mm-Hmm. to convince yourself whether 655 00:26:29,885 --> 00:26:31,965 you're into it or not, but just maybe 656 00:26:32,465 --> 00:26:35,525 so you have a better understanding that's optional, 657 00:26:35,525 --> 00:26:37,165 but I highly recommend, um, 658 00:26:37,185 --> 00:26:39,685 and then go seek out community that's a better fit. 659 00:26:39,745 --> 00:26:40,885 If this group isn't absolutely. 660 00:26:40,885 --> 00:26:43,805 Isn't it go, it's okay to 661 00:26:44,425 --> 00:26:46,325 go seek out people we are more comfortable with. 662 00:26:46,645 --> 00:26:47,765 I personally believe 663 00:26:47,765 --> 00:26:50,205 that there should be some introspection on your part about 664 00:26:50,265 --> 00:26:51,285 why you're uncomfortable 665 00:26:51,285 --> 00:26:53,205 and are there some things maybe you can unlearn? 666 00:26:54,625 --> 00:26:57,965 You know, I, I think that that is, especially when you 667 00:26:59,205 --> 00:27:01,645 identity is closer to whatever the air quote norm is, 668 00:27:01,645 --> 00:27:02,685 like you're monogamous 669 00:27:02,705 --> 00:27:04,245 and you are now deeply uncomfortable 670 00:27:04,245 --> 00:27:05,325 with non-monogamous people. 671 00:27:05,525 --> 00:27:07,725 I think that's something that you should explore internally. 672 00:27:07,725 --> 00:27:08,845 Mm-Hmm. . Um, 673 00:27:09,025 --> 00:27:11,405 but you don't, nobody is required to be around people 674 00:27:11,405 --> 00:27:13,565 that they don't feel comfortable being around. 675 00:27:13,565 --> 00:27:14,965 Right. Or in a group they're not comfortable with. 676 00:27:14,965 --> 00:27:16,045 They're in a place they're not happy. 677 00:27:16,355 --> 00:27:20,605 Like, go find your people if these people are not, not it. 678 00:27:20,905 --> 00:27:24,365 And especially if you know you have 679 00:27:24,465 --> 00:27:27,205 or are borderline on the verge of saying 680 00:27:27,205 --> 00:27:30,285 or doing something that might be offensive or inappropriate 681 00:27:30,285 --> 00:27:32,285 because you're frustrated. 682 00:27:32,285 --> 00:27:34,045 Right. Like, that's, that that shouldn't be their problem. 683 00:27:34,045 --> 00:27:37,645 That's a you thing. Right. So, basic question. 684 00:27:38,185 --> 00:27:40,845 You're not the only monogamous person. No. You never were. 685 00:27:41,025 --> 00:27:43,365 You never are. Mm-Hmm. , um, no. 686 00:27:43,785 --> 00:27:45,805 Uh, non-monogamy is not a trend. 687 00:27:46,075 --> 00:27:50,525 It's just less quiet than it used to. It used to be to be. 688 00:27:50,795 --> 00:27:53,445 Yeah. Um, and we have resources to be able to find out 689 00:27:53,445 --> 00:27:56,405 what other people do and think and believe than we Mm-Hmm. 690 00:27:56,445 --> 00:27:59,485 , you know, than we did 20 years ago. Right. 691 00:27:59,485 --> 00:28:03,605 Right. Um, I think we all have the right to be around people 692 00:28:03,605 --> 00:28:04,645 that we're most comfortable with. 693 00:28:04,645 --> 00:28:06,645 And if they're not it true, true. Go find those people. 694 00:28:06,645 --> 00:28:08,445 Create the group yourself if you need to. 695 00:28:09,185 --> 00:28:13,685 Um, and yeah, I, the, the ultimate question is how, 696 00:28:13,705 --> 00:28:15,645 you know, how do I work through these feelings about being 697 00:28:15,645 --> 00:28:17,005 disrespectful towards poly people? 698 00:28:17,165 --> 00:28:19,165 I think that you do not place these problems on poly 699 00:28:19,165 --> 00:28:20,405 people to help you fix. 700 00:28:20,405 --> 00:28:21,765 Mm-Hmm. , I don't think that you 701 00:28:22,835 --> 00:28:24,845 walk into the next event and say something. 702 00:28:24,965 --> 00:28:27,805 I think you, you, you work on that on your own time. 703 00:28:28,345 --> 00:28:32,085 If you happen to have non-monogamous friends who are willing 704 00:28:32,345 --> 00:28:35,725 to educate you on their experiences, that's great. 705 00:28:35,795 --> 00:28:38,205 Yeah. But, you know, it's, it's a goal. 706 00:28:38,945 --> 00:28:43,925 Go figure out why you are feeling this way, what you can do 707 00:28:43,945 --> 00:28:48,325 for yourself to find the right people, you know, find a, 708 00:28:48,485 --> 00:28:50,445 a better fit community-wise, whatever. 709 00:28:51,345 --> 00:28:55,965 And just don't put your hard feelings on these folks who 710 00:28:56,425 --> 00:28:58,765 by all accounts are just trying to freaking exist. 711 00:28:58,765 --> 00:28:59,965 Mm-Hmm. and have happened 712 00:28:59,965 --> 00:29:01,285 to have found their community spot 713 00:29:01,285 --> 00:29:02,845 where they can be openly themselves. 714 00:29:02,955 --> 00:29:05,685 That is true. A beautiful fucking thing. Yeah. 715 00:29:05,685 --> 00:29:07,885 When somebody can be openly themselves in a way 716 00:29:07,885 --> 00:29:09,405 that doesn't harm anybody else, right. 717 00:29:09,405 --> 00:29:10,445 They're just existing. 718 00:29:10,865 --> 00:29:13,325 And do, I mean, I would feel bad for them. 719 00:29:13,385 --> 00:29:14,925 Do they realize that they're existing 720 00:29:14,925 --> 00:29:16,805 and maybe they think you are their friend 721 00:29:17,465 --> 00:29:20,085 and they don't know, or, you know, maybe they do. 722 00:29:20,165 --> 00:29:22,005 I don't know that you're over there worried 723 00:29:22,005 --> 00:29:23,045 that they're friends with you, just 724 00:29:23,165 --> 00:29:25,325 'cause you, they see you, you think they see you 725 00:29:25,325 --> 00:29:26,405 as a potential future partner. 726 00:29:26,435 --> 00:29:28,925 Like I just, that's not fair to them either. 727 00:29:29,865 --> 00:29:31,165 So yeah, I would, 728 00:29:31,325 --> 00:29:33,045 I would seek out community that's a better fit. 729 00:29:33,365 --> 00:29:34,925 I would do some internal work on, 730 00:29:35,345 --> 00:29:36,805 on your feelings of discomfort. 731 00:29:36,935 --> 00:29:39,285 Maybe learn a bit more about non-monogamy. 732 00:29:39,825 --> 00:29:41,645 Um, anything else that 733 00:29:41,925 --> 00:29:43,325 - I, I think we've, - Yeah. 734 00:29:44,645 --> 00:29:46,965 Although we are one version of non-monogamous, 735 00:29:46,965 --> 00:29:49,365 we do not speak for all non-monogamous people. 736 00:29:49,505 --> 00:29:52,405 Um, I would highly encourage anybody who, um, 737 00:29:52,865 --> 00:29:55,125 has either experienced this and worked your way through it 738 00:29:55,545 --> 00:29:57,445 or has been on the receiving end of this, 739 00:29:57,445 --> 00:29:59,645 or has watched maybe your monogamous 740 00:29:59,805 --> 00:30:00,925 friends kind of go through it. 741 00:30:01,345 --> 00:30:04,725 If you have some, um, experiences to share, 742 00:30:05,245 --> 00:30:06,525 resources to share, feel free 743 00:30:06,525 --> 00:30:07,525 - Insight. 744 00:30:07,525 --> 00:30:08,165 - Yeah. Insight, right? Mm-Hmm. 745 00:30:08,205 --> 00:30:10,365 , feel free to share in the ways 746 00:30:10,365 --> 00:30:12,805 that you can Podcast listeners is a little bit hard 747 00:30:12,925 --> 00:30:14,485 'cause you're listening through a podcast, but you can als 748 00:30:14,485 --> 00:30:15,485 always reach out on social. 749 00:30:16,145 --> 00:30:17,525 Um, the show notes page on our 750 00:30:17,525 --> 00:30:18,725 website has a comment section. 751 00:30:18,915 --> 00:30:22,605 YouTube folks, the, the comment section is open. 752 00:30:22,785 --> 00:30:25,885 We welcome, um, uh, 753 00:30:26,355 --> 00:30:28,685 objective constructive feedback. 754 00:30:28,785 --> 00:30:30,485 We do not have all the answers. No. 755 00:30:30,585 --> 00:30:33,205 Uh, we don't, we are non-monogamous, 756 00:30:33,205 --> 00:30:35,405 but that's not our area of expertise either. 757 00:30:35,405 --> 00:30:37,645 We don't spend a lot of time talking about it. 758 00:30:38,225 --> 00:30:40,685 Um, we navigate it imperfectly in our own 759 00:30:40,905 --> 00:30:42,125 way, and that's about it. 760 00:30:42,425 --> 00:30:43,645 So there will be other people 761 00:30:43,705 --> 00:30:45,285 and other resources that are better 762 00:30:45,305 --> 00:30:46,645 fit for this conversation, 763 00:30:46,985 --> 00:30:48,565 - You know, for share those place, you know, for, for us, 764 00:30:48,635 --> 00:30:50,405 it's been a live and learn. 765 00:30:51,425 --> 00:30:52,685 Mm-Hmm. and learn as we go 766 00:30:52,755 --> 00:30:54,005 kind of thing. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. 767 00:30:54,045 --> 00:30:56,365 - . Yep. And we're still working through Yep. 768 00:30:56,735 --> 00:31:00,045 Stuff about it. Um, so we are not ever, I think gonna go, 769 00:31:00,045 --> 00:31:01,165 yeah, we can talk about this. 770 00:31:01,185 --> 00:31:03,005 We, we can only share our own experiences. Yeah. 771 00:31:03,025 --> 00:31:05,165 But so, um, yeah. 772 00:31:05,165 --> 00:31:08,245 Feel free to share in the places where things can be shared 773 00:31:08,625 --> 00:31:12,645 and we hope this person can find their, their community and, 774 00:31:12,745 --> 00:31:16,285 and adjust maybe some of their thought processes. 775 00:31:16,285 --> 00:31:17,645 There you go. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. 776 00:31:17,685 --> 00:31:18,725 , thanks for listening 777 00:31:18,725 --> 00:31:20,085 to this week's q and a episode. 778 00:31:20,145 --> 00:31:21,845 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 779 00:31:21,915 --> 00:31:25,045 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, 780 00:31:25,225 --> 00:31:26,805 or you can find the link in the show notes. 781 00:31:27,145 --> 00:31:29,565 Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon, 782 00:31:29,655 --> 00:31:32,165 we're able to do this podcast and keep it going 783 00:31:32,165 --> 00:31:34,005 and help kinks due to your support. 784 00:31:34,465 --> 00:31:36,085 If you'd like to be part of our community 785 00:31:36,085 --> 00:31:37,365 and get access to extra content 786 00:31:37,505 --> 00:31:39,605 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 787 00:31:39,605 --> 00:31:41,205 super nice kinks, you can do that. 788 00:31:41,355 --> 00:31:43,925 Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. 789 00:31:43,925 --> 00:31:46,525 That's patreon.com/kayla lords. 790 00:31:46,525 --> 00:31:47,685 Or use the link in the show notes.