- You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast,
episode 3 91.
Kill the Lord's here with a one.
The only, the, are you caffeinated enough, John Brownstone?
- I believe so. - Wow.
What's that like? I've never lived that
- Way. It's a marvelous thing.
- I can't imagine. I don't think I've ever been
- Caffeinated in this.
Now, will I crash hard later? Probably. Probably.
- Yeah. But you're not the type
that gets the jitters from too much caffeine.
No. My anxious thoughts race. Like, it, it gets bad up here.
It's, it's, oh, never a pretty place. Right?
- Don't have that problem. Yeah,
- I know.
I don't understand you, .
That's not what we're here for.
uh, this week our topic comes straight from
our Patreon community.
The question a, a question was asked
during our most recent q and a.
We do a monthly live stream q
and a for our members every month.
And then we were, somebody was like,
can you make this a full topic?
So here we are.
We're gonna talk about confidence in your dynamic
and your kink identity.
We had thoughts the other day.
Let's see if we still have thoughts.
- Don't have them. Yeah. Yeah. That was then.
This is now, right? Exactly. ,
- Welcome to Loving BDSM podcast.
This is your first time listening. Glad to have you.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving BDSM is produced every Monday
and Friday for your Kiki Pleasure and education.
And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add the podcast
to your favorite podcast app.
You can also follow the show on Fe life at Loving b Dsm pc.
The PC stands for podcast on Instagram
and threads at that handle.
I will forever fucking hate.
With passion of a thousand Sons.
Uh, that handle is lovings
and the number one, uh, loving Ds one, uh,
or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving
bdsm, where you can watch us live.
Stream the podcast every Wednesday.
All links are in the show notes.
A big thanks as always,
to our Kinky patrons over on Patreon,
including our newest peeps.
Uh, we're able to keep being weirdos on the internet, uh,
in large part because of our patrons,
and we are grateful for every fucking one of you.
Lola agrees. If you'd like to join our Kinky community
and get access to extra content like that monthly live q
and a and our Discord server with a group of super cool,
super nice kinks, you can do that.
Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords,
that's patreon.com/kayla lords,
or use the link in the show notes, and you have to,
'cause Lola said so.
- And also, I just like to say the award
for best drama portrayal goes to Kayla Lords
for her Instagram handle.
I get get so angry every time about
- It.
Oh my God. Anyway, okay.
J's leaving me alone for me
to get through the announcements.
Uh, you would think I would be able to do this with,
with no problem, but, you know.
Okay. So first announcement, uh, I added a couple
of new things to the Loving BDSM Etsy shop.
They're under the loving BDSM merch
category on our Etsy shop.
The link to the Etsy shop is in the places.
Uh, the two things I added are, uh, t-shirts.
Uh, one is where I say too often, uh,
after Lola has howled in the background, Lola agrees.
Well, we now have a shirt
and, um, YouTube folks are more familiar
with this than podcast listeners,
but, uh, I often say, just do what Daddy says.
And that is now a shirt as well.
So, uh, for anybody who was like, no,
I, I want that, I want that.
You can have it. Uh,
it's on our Etsy shop link in the places.
Um, I think I've already preached the, Hey,
join us on Patreon thing, so I won't do that again.
I'll just remind you this week episode comes from Patreon,
and so you could, you could be part
of our Patreon too, if you would like.
Okay. The third, technically, the second, technically the,
I don't know what, whatever that was.
Um, 2.5. Yes. Thank you.
I was, I'd forgotten how fractions work for a second.
And decimals, and I was very confused.
Anyway, we were several weeks ago, interviewed
for the Taboo Science podcast member.
Yeah, you were there. Yeah.
, where the episode was about
BDSM and why people do it.
And we were not the only ones interviewed.
Um, but that episode is now out,
it's available on YouTube for YouTube folks.
It, that's linked in the places where we keep links
for podcast, uh, listeners.
There is a audio version
that will be linked in the show notes if you would like to,
um, listen to that.
Um, taboo Science, um,
her thing is looking at things that are considered taboo.
Not just sex, but other things and talking to real people,
but also talking to, like, like looking at the research
and talking to science scientists.
Like, why do we do this and why is this a thing?
And I believe, um, she's been doing like a whole like,
series on, on BDSM
or kink in, in some form or fashion.
So yeah, we're there. Mm-Hmm.
, we got interviewed. Um,
so we would love it if you would check it out.
Mm-Hmm. . Um,
and I, I can pretty much guarantee that'll be more concise
than anything you get from us.
So, , um, the video was, um,
37 minutes long.
If you, if you like, how, how much
of my life will I give away for this,
that that's how much .
Um, okay. So this week's episode, Mm-Hmm.
is taken from a question that we got
during our Patreon live q and a.
How many times can I tell you that we do
that over on our Patreon community?
I'm just saying, just saying the exact question
that was asked was how
to become more confident in your dynamic role
and find your kinky identity.
I have mushed that together to talk about confidence in your
dynamic and your kinky identity.
That's what we're gonna focus on here.
We have, um, it was episode 150, uh,
talked about confidence as a dominant Mm-Hmm.
, um, because that is a question
that comes up a lot.
Sure. But I think we're going to, for the most part,
speak a little bit more generally about just confidence
in who you are as a kinky person
and what you might be doing regardless of your role.
Um, and so that is what we are talking about today.
Um, go, I, I, when we got the question during the q
and a, I, I know none of you are surprised
that I was barreled right on in with my initial thought.
So I'm not gonna do that this time.
, and I'm gonna say, Hey, jb,
what are your thoughts on, on this?
And also, I have a child texting me, so now it's your turn.
- Uh oh. Okay. Um, you know, I I, I think the big part of
finding your identity
is pretty much just immersing yourself in the lifestyle
and learning.
And the funny thing is, is that I, you know,
finding your identity is not the end all, be all.
It's not the destination. Right. So to speak.
Because, you know,
for all the years I've been in the lifestyle, I'm, I'm still
learning new things and absorbing new things
and trying new things
and, you know, this, that and the other.
And, and it's something that is
continuously growing and changing.
You know, it, it's not something that you, you know, like,
you find the priceless artifact, oh, I've got it, you know,
all's good now I'm done.
Yeah. You know, it's, uh, it, it's not really ever done.
At least I don't think so. I mean, I think
- It's, I don't think so.
I think you can become confident even as you keep learning.
You are, um, I would like to think we are both,
- Excuse me, - Very confident in our dynamic.
We know who we are in relation to each other.
We have had enough ups and downs as a couple
and come out the other side without, you know,
physically harming the other or getting a divorce.
Um, and we, you know, our power exchange is still intact.
I think there that confidence can and can exist
and will exist for folks eventually.
I think that it's all a time issue.
It's a time and an experience. I think you're right.
You have to keep growing. You have to keep learning. Mm-Hmm.
, you have to keep learning about yourself.
You need to keep, you know, learning new skills
and exploring ideas.
And it is a journey. There's no destination to confidence.
I don't think that exists.
I agree with that, but I think that, you know,
if I compare submissive me of today to submissive me
of 20 12, 20 13, that's a whole different person.
Yeah. Right. Like I, yeah.
And, and I have my own specific path into all of that,
that other people won't.
Like, I did not go through the worry
and the guilt of what does this mean about me as a person
to find out that I'm submissive.
Just like, you know, not all doms go through what you did,
which is, oh my God, am I actually going against all
of my education?
My bri my background of you don't hit a person. Right?
Mm-Hmm. . Like, I didn't, personally,
I didn't go through any of that,
and I still did not have a lot of confidence in myself.
Yeah. In the beginning, you know, uh, confidence
to me comes from doing the thing,
adjusting learning.
Mm-Hmm. admitting mistakes
and getting on the other side of hard parts of it to go,
Hey, wait, I, I made it through the world.
Yeah. Did not burn down around me. The sky did not fall.
You know, I'm, I'm not all the things I fear,
which tends to be where
why people are less confident either are not happening.
Right. Which is more common than not, or Yeah.
The things I feared happened,
but I also got through it, figured it out.
And here I am today to tell the tale. Mm-Hmm. .
So, for me, anytime somebody's asking about confidence,
I'm like, there's, I can't give you a formula
and I can't give you a checklist.
I can just tell you, you gotta go live the thing
and do the thing enough.
- Yeah. And, and I absolutely agree with you.
And it's like going to the gym.
You, you know, and, and that's how I see it.
You know, you go to the gym, you work out,
and you build up your muscles.
You build muscle memory.
It's the same thing with, with your kink,
with your Ds dynamic.
You, the more you exercise that part of you,
the more it becomes muscle memory and Mm-Hmm.
. And it becomes a part of who you are. Mm-Hmm.
- , I think, um,
that, yes, I agree.
Mm-Hmm. . I also think
that it's not uncommon if you make a shift either in your
dynamic or your kink identity
or learning a new kink, if you shift something from where
you had been doing it
and you had gained some level of confidence with it Mm-Hmm.
to trying something new or altering something,
and now you're outside of your comfort zone,
I think is completely normal for your confidence
to take a hit again, because you're doing something new
and there's likely some underlying fear there.
Fear of messing up, fear of looking foolish. Yeah.
Fear of just not knowing what the fuck you're doing.
Um, and the other thing that I think, um,
impacts confidence, especially for newer people.
Mm-Hmm. . But for anybody at any point in their
kink life is comparison.
Because if it's common for newer people,
but it's not just new people.
You walk into a space, maybe you've never been there before.
You see somebody doing or being their kinky selves.
And you, you know, some people, not everybody,
but enough of us go, either I want that
and I don't know how to get that, or,
oh, I'll never be that way.
Right. Like, it's Mm-Hmm. .
And that can, that can hit your confidence levels.
And, and that's, we think we've had this conversation
before about doing our damnedest not to compare
your chapter one to my chapter 10.
Right? Like, we're just Mm-Hmm.
we all start out new and awkward
and not knowing a damn thing.
Right. And we all have to progress through that awkwardness.
So if you're at the early stages of your kink life
and you're thinking, oh my God, I'm so awkward.
And I have, I'm clueless,
and I'm not like these people I see over here who, you know,
have literally been doing this for decades.
And I don't mean me, I mean anybody.
Um, the, you know,
of course you're not gonna feel confident,
but the, the easiest thing to say, the hardest thing
to do is to tell you to do your best
not to compare yourself.
Mm-Hmm. or quite frankly, go,
go have a conversation
with somebody who's been doing this longer than you,
that is open to these conversations
and ask what it was like for them when they were new.
You will probably hear a lot of parallels
to your own either experience or your own feelings.
Mm-Hmm. , because I,
I don't think I've ever met anybody
who wasn't nervous the first time they walked into it much.
I don't think I've ever met anybody who was not nervous the
first time they met up with another ster
to explore kink together in some way,
- Or went to a play party or a dungeon, or, you know, or
- Told their partner they were kinky.
Right. Yeah. Like, we all have these firsts
that make us nervous where we don't know what we're doing.
And so we don't have a lot of confidence.
Do some people have false
confidence that they have not earned?
Of course those people exist.
They will usually, usually something will happen
and either the outside looking in, you'll go, okay,
they do not deserve that confidence.
They're, you know, walk away
or they will be brought down
to earth in a very painful way,
and hopefully will learn a lesson from that.
But I don't think that's the norm.
I think most of us are like, I am so awkward
and so clueless, and I don't know what I'm doing.
I mean, I, when you start a new thing, when you've even,
I mean, you've known you were kinky, you've Mm-Hmm.
for decades. But even with all that experience
and all that time, 'cause time is not the end all be
all for gaining confidence.
How do you feel when you've started learning a new kink
or gone into a new community
or gone into something that is new to you?
How does that feeling you had at the, the first step of
that thing compare to your early days
of kink? The confidence level?
- It's, it's not as angsty as say,
like the very first time ever going to a munch Mm-Hmm.
. Um, but there, there still is a, a little bit
of angst to that still
after all this time.
Um, you know, you're, you're meeting new people
and you're like, oh, what are they like,
you know, are they gonna like me?
Am I gonna like them? And mm-Hmm.
, you know, so there, there's always
that little bit of, of, um, angst or anxiety,
but it's, it's nothing like the very first time Sure.
Going to a munch. So, you know, it,
it does get easier.
It gets better. Mm-Hmm. ,
- I think if you can feel really solid in who you are
as a ster, this is true for me at least.
Mm-Hmm. , I am,
the thing I am most confident about 99% of the time is
who I am as a ster and my experiences
and how they've shaped me.
Yeah. So, as a person who
puts themselves on the internet frequently,
I absolutely get feedback of, you're not really this,
you're not really that you're doing this wrong.
And for me, over time,
because I know that, I know that what I have
done, been through experienced, learned
how I've grown is real for me.
There's where that's where my confidence comes in.
'cause for me, nobody can come in
and tell me that what I went
through is something I didn't go through.
Mm-Hmm. . And how I feel about
that thing is something I don't feel early days,
I'm was questioning myself
because I have a lot of anxiety, ,
and I'm a people pleaser from way back.
So I had that, am I doing this right?
Is there a right way to do this?
I'm not doing this like other people, uh, oh.
It doesn't mean I'm doing it wrong.
But over time, I gained this self-acceptance.
I had a partner who accepted me as I was, who validated me
as a human being
and aster who was going through some of the same shit.
I was, you know, the, the thing
that people can't touch about me now, the confidence
that I hold most of the time is Mm-Hmm.
, I know who the fuck I am. Yeah.
Now I'm not going, I'm, you can probably, if you've been
around for more than a minute,
you can tell when I'm not confident about a topic
or when I feel like I am, I am, uh, skirting
a topic I'm not qualified to speak about.
Um, I don't, I don't claim
to have confidence there necessarily,
but I, I am confident in who I am.
Mm-Hmm. , that took time.
That took going out and doing the thing.
I think what happens, because feeling insecure
or just a lack of confidence is an uncomfortable feeling.
And many of us would do anything we could
to just speed run that part.
And if you can, if you have the coping mechanisms
and the mental health and the life experience to be able
to do that more fucking power to you, I am so happy for you.
For the rest of us anxious bitches, let me just tell you
that it doesn't, it, it's kind
of a thing you sort of have to, to go through.
Now, ideally, you will have supportive partners, supportive,
kink friends, supportive community, um,
you'll find the resources that are realistic.
Like Mm-Hmm. , I think nothing kills your
confidence more than coming across a resource that tells you
emphatically, this is how kink is done.
One true way is you try to do it that way,
and you go, I, I can't do this.
This isn't working for me.
And too many people, instead of going,
maybe the resource was fucked up, internalize it
and go, well, maybe I'm fucked up
and that's why I'm not doing it.
Right. And then that kills their confidence.
And I don't know how to tell you
to avoid those types of resources.
They, God knows they exist.
I think Evie did a whole video about the, oh,
I'm gonna gag a little bit, saying it, the alphas
who are using the language of kink to try to be
grotesque and disgusting.
I mean, when you're new
and you don't know anything yet,
the only thing I can ever tell you is
to listen to your intuition.
If it doesn't sound right, get the fuck out of there.
Mm-Hmm. . Because it's either not right at all,
or it's just not right for you.
But it takes confidence to listen to your intuition
and go, wait, this isn't, this doesn't feel right.
I'm, I'm knapping out. Some of what we need is, is therapy.
Some of what we need is to deal with the things
that make us, you know, not be confident
because of whatever happened to us in life.
But most of the time, it's just
to go do the thing and do it often enough.
Mm-Hmm. . And surround yourself with people who
are both affirming, but will also call you on your bullshit.
We all need people who will call us on our bullshit. Mm-Hmm.
. I'm married, my person. I'm good.
I don't really need anybody else. Thanks. Not for that.
. Um, I have other,
I feel like I'm talking in circles now,
and I have another point I wanna make,
and I don't know how to segue to that point. . Okay.
- So then let me step in for a moment. Thank
- You.
I'm, I'm like, okay. Hamster wheeling here.
- Fir first thing, um, Taisha. Yes. That's Lola snoring.
She's laying on the floor right next to me.
And, um, she's, she's very content at the moment in her nap.
- And that's Ella crying in the background
- In another room.
Ella is crying in the other room. Room. So, you know. Yeah.
We've got the, uh, menagerie.
Um, the other, the other thing I wanted to, to touch on
that I saw in, in chat, um, about fake it till you make it.
Mm. Okay.
Um, I have even been one to use that phrase at times.
And there are times that that is very apropos.
Um, my feeling
on that in regards to kink, don't,
don't fake it till you make it.
- Thank you. If you weren't gonna
say it, I was gonna say thank you,
- .
Um, do, do not fake it till you make it.
Um, too many possibilities for someone getting hurt.
Uh, you know, obviously in, in a, um, s
and m aspect, uh, you know,
definitely can do some physical hurt
if you don't know what you're doing.
Um, even in power exchange,
when we have talked about this in the past, you know,
you have to know your audience.
Okay. You have to know who your, your s type is.
Um, and even then, there's no a hundred percent guarantees
because even in a power exchange, you can trigger,
step on a landmine, you know, and, and set something off.
But if you go into it without the foreknowledge, the
chances of that happening increase.
You know? And, you know, we're,
we're all about living our lives and, and enjoying it and,
and having fun and most importantly, do no harm.
And, and I think that is where that comes in.
Um, you know, there,
there really is no faking it till you make it.
There's, there's no, um, uh, you know, um,
go directly to go card , right?
You know, or home card.
Um, you, you have to put in the time to, to learn
and, and understand what you're doing.
- I agree with you completely on the activities of kink.
Mm-Hmm. , I think for some people
there's nuance here for fake it till you make it.
When I would say, please fake it till you make it,
and I'm okay with it, is I want you to walk into that munch.
Like you fucking deserve to be there. 'cause you do. Right?
I want you to go to that dungeon.
Like you have every right to go there.
And as long as you follow the rules with the dungeon, you,
you're not gonna fuck it up.
Right? Right. I want you to fake that confidence.
Um, I don't want you
to fake confidence on a skill you have not practiced on, um,
uh, negotiating a power exchange when you haven't
had the in-depth conversations with the partner
or worked on educating yourself or learned anything.
Right? I think, I think there are times when
fake it till you make it is okay.
Sure. Most of the time in power exchange
or kink, I'm gonna go, Hmm, depends the other thing.
And I know there will be people
who have had a bad experience with this.
And I, to me, that says more about the people
who gave you the bad experience than it does about the thing
I'm about to say dominance.
I want you to get more comfortable
with admitting you don't fucking know something,
that you're new to it, that you're unsure,
that you're uncertain about it.
That even depending on the nature
of the relationship you have with that s type,
that you are feeling insecure and you're lacking confidence.
Yes. There are s types who will say,
Ooh, that gives me the ick.
That's an immediate turnoff,
that per person wanting for you.
Okay? That person wants someone
or something that either doesn't exist
or that you just can't give them.
And that needs to be okay. Okay?
Um, it is
when Doms admit that they are not know all, be all,
do all end all , wow, I don't
like, it fosters the ability
for intimacy and vulnerability and for trust
and honesty to grow between you.
It can actually make things better.
Also for the doms out there who are like maybe aren't sure
of themselves, sometimes, not always,
but sometimes you are partnered up with a submissive
who actually has more knowledge and more experience.
And when you act like you know, all can do all
and will be all, you've just turned off that ability
to learn from somebody into who you are intimate with
that knows more than you do.
The folks who hide
behind false confidence, not fake it till you make it.
'cause they're trying to like, move through spaces
where they're uncomfortable, but the people
who are literally faking it
and are not trying to learn are dangerous.
And quite frankly, tend to be the least confident people.
Like, if you have to like, project all over me
that you know it all and don't need to learn
and don't need this and don't need that.
I am, I'm gonna psychoanalyze you, uh, and, um,
and wonder what else are you insecure about?
It's actually to me, not everybody will agree that's okay.
To me, it's a sign of confidence when you
can admit you don't know something.
Yeah. When you can admit
that you're struggling with something Mm-Hmm.
when you can admit that maybe you're
feeling insecure about the thing.
Now, does everybody that you come across
deserve that part of you?
No. A huge skill to learn is figuring out who the people are
that you should be able to trust to that.
Or you can try to trust to that.
Um, to me, submissives, it's more common
to think about submissives lacking confidence
because too many of us project what we think we expect a dom
to be at all times, including dominance themselves,
projecting it on themselves
and others about how you are supposed to like, know it all,
face down any fear, never show fear, be the one in charge.
And being a leader means you never let 'em see you sweat.
I mean, fuck, that's toxic. That's .
Uh, I don't mind somebody projecting an air
of confidence once they get to the scene
because the confidence has been earned
because they have the skills.
Mm-Hmm. , I think it's more than fair
to be uncertain to an extent
because you're playing with a new partner, right?
And you want to do a good job
and you know you have the skills,
but you are still learning this person.
And I don't think that's a lack of confidence.
I think that is a, what is a term I want?
It's a cautious, it's being cautious
and being cautious is not necessarily the same thing
as lacking confidence, right?
Mm-Hmm. . And sometimes being cautious is
perceived as a lack of confidence.
And that is a problem. So if you are confident in your
skills, you are confident in what you've negotiated,
you're confident in yourself.
Mm-Hmm. as a play partner, I want you
to project that air of confidence,
but I also want you to be real about being cautious, right?
And I think it's okay to not be quite confident,
and I don't even know if I think confident might be too
strong of a word of the partner you're playing with.
'cause you've never played with them before. That's a
situation I can, I can see okay, project that air,
even if you've got some other thoughts.
However, I'm such a risk averse person.
I would tell you if you're feeling any sort of way, ,
maybe slow shit down, back it up
and have another conversation.
But that's, that's off topic.
I think, um, I,
so I want more doms to fucking admit
that they're not always confident and stop faking it.
Mm-Hmm. , I want more submissives to be allowed
to be confident.
Um, I think it's a, a cliche
that submissives tend to lack confidence.
Many of us do. Many of us start out lacking confidence.
Many of us have had bad experiences,
and now we're not sure about ourselves.
You know? Mm-Hmm. many of us are recognizing
that, yeah, yeah, I can, I can withdraw consent
and I can say forward, but also I am placing my physical,
mental and emotional wellbeing in
the hands of another partner.
And it makes me nervous.
Like, I think all of that gets to be true.
But then what happens is when a submissive gets confident,
there's, uh, an element of the community or the internet
or whatever that wants to knock 'em down
and go, yeah, that's too much confidence.
And some people will try
to keep themselves small as a result.
Mm-Hmm. . That is not anywhere
where we went when we were talking.
No. The q and a. No.
But it just, it sort of hit me like, uh,
um, there's a word.
I don't know. I've lost words now.
I said the thing and now I've lost all my words. .
Now, all of that being said, here's where
I was on my mind when I didn't know how to segue.
I still know how to segue. Okay? This is the segue.
I talk about feeling confident in myself as a submissive,
as you are submissive all these years in all this time.
And we fucking talk about it for a living.
So I, the more you talk and, and share and teach others
or whatever it is we do, um,
the more hyper aware you are
stuff, the more you have to think about it.
You get air quote better at it
because you're just
forcing yourself to think about it all the time.
Um, so that's probably where most of my confidence outside
of our relationship comes from.
That being said, I do want to admit,
and I want other people to have the space to admit this
to themselves and or a partner.
There are times I'm not fully confident. It's a blip.
It's rare. It never lasts long.
And I have learned over time to
talk about my feelings with JB so that I kind
of get the reality check.
So I will feel a lack of confidence
as a submissive when there are times I cannot do the things
that I am supposed to do.
Uh, I will have, if,
if it's a bad mental health moment
where I'm like highly anxious
and my feelings are all over the place
and the mind is louder
and more chaotic than, you know, is normal for me, um,
that I will, I can spiral down
and be like, oh my God, am I really a good submissive?
Am I a real submissive? Am I too, you know, bitchy?
Am I too opinionated? Am I, you know, who am I?
And I can, I can get like a five minute moment of,
oh my God, what I have learned how to do is to go
let JB know that I'm feeling a way, like I'm right.
I'm, I'm struggling here.
And he will help
because this is just the nature of a relationship.
He will help kind of bring me back to center a little bit
and, and go, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you talking about? You're ignoring all
of these other things that have gone on before this moment
and will happen after this moment.
And I can usually go, okay, that was,
that was a momentary blip.
I don't, I just wanna make it clear
that you can gain confidence in your dynamic in yourself,
and still have those moments where you falter.
Something will happen.
You'll feel some kind of way it happens.
Poor jb, poor jb, we are
non-monogamous me in theory.
Him in practice, he's had several partners over the years
since we've been together, .
And invariably there will be moments where,
and again, it depends on
how my mental health is going at the time.
Mm-Hmm. , if I'm kind of even keeled,
it doesn't even phase me.
If I am jumbled
and, you know, I'm like,
got just too much going on up in this brain, um,
I will absolutely have that moment of am am I not enough?
Now, that is my own personal shit.
I do not think that means I'm meant to be monogamous.
Um, but I I I still feel it.
All these, we, I'm telling you, oh, 10 years, 15 years,
all this time, da da, decades.
Yeah. I still have the, every
so often I still have that moment.
Why? Because I already have underlying issues that will,
ah, there's a word I want fuck, that will kind of, um,
fuck, I forgot the word.
It'll fuck with my confidence.
Like I, I have high anxiety a lot when I'm doing new things
in other parts of my life.
That lack of confidence, that insecurity I feel there will
trickle down into other parts of my life
because it becomes this all consuming feeling.
If you are a person who cannot relate to that at all,
I am so happy for you.
I'm not that person. I still,
it's way better than it used to be.
Um, but it still happens even now. Mm-Hmm. .
So while I'm like kind of cavalier of time
and just do the thing sometimes also therapy
and get on some medications like ,
I don't, I don't wanna overlook that part of it.
That you can gain confidence
and you can feel secure in your, your position in yourself,
and still have things that you'll take a hit
and it'll knock you down a little bit.
And you'll have to figure yourself out or find your support
and pull yourself back together.
And sometimes you gotta swim in the discomfort
and the insecurity until you can get the fuck out of it.
Um, it's, you know, the more, uh,
the harder other parts of life are, the more
that can affect me.
My kink self too. Mm mm-Hmm. .
Um, because for me, being kinky is not a thing I do.
It is who I am. Like, yes, there are things I do,
but it's ingrained in my identity.
So if other parts of my identity are taking a hit
and I'm struggling, it will leak into
that part of me, me as well. Other
- Things.
Yeah. Right. Mm-Hmm. . That makes sense.
Absolutely.
- Do you have moments that aren't tied
to I'm doing a new thing.
I'm going, Mm-Hmm. . Do you have moments where
your confidence kind of wobbles a little bit? Oh, yes.
- Oh yeah. Absolutely.
I, I think, um, it's common.
It, it's, it happens more than people will admit. Mm-Hmm.
. So, um, yeah. Absolutely.
I, I have moments when my confidence isn't, uh,
all there and I just have to, you know,
depending on what it is.
Some things I'm like, you know, come on, I've,
I've done this how many times? Yes. Sometimes
- You have to remind yourself that you've done
- That, you know?
And, uh, I've, I've always, you know,
been, been careful.
I know the things that can happen,
but, you know, I, it's kind of old hat
and what am I, why am I worrying about this?
- Right. And is there a thing that I'm worrying about
that isn't really about this, it's something else.
Mm-Hmm. creeping in. Right? Um, yeah. Yeah.
I, we have not talked about it in detail.
It's still a, a thing.
But I, we were talking about, uh,
we were talking about our OnlyFans the other day.
Mm. We not finished that conversation,
but we, in the conversation, I got the vibe.
It was not said.
So I'm not putting words in his mouth,
but I got the vibe that part of some of the hesitancy
that I was feeling was tied more
to the uhoh.
People will see me situation, lack of confidence there
and less to other things
that have been talked about or whatever we've gone through.
Yeah. Uh, that conversation is ongoing.
I cannot tell you if I if my vibe is correct or not.
But that is, you know, yeah.
That can, that can still happen.
You will feel, uh, insecure sometimes.
Not about who you are, but like, you are a kinky toy maker.
And I have spent now literal years absolutely bigging you up
because I'm like, yeah, look, it's not just people
who know us personally that are buying shit.
These are strangers. They don't have a fucking
clue who we're .
Look at this great paddle, look at this Mark.
Read this review. Look at Yeah. Like, you know,
- I know.
And you know that that's a, that that's a thing
many creators face.
Oh, yeah. Um, you know, and, and I, I have it too.
I deal with imposter syndrome. Mm-Hmm.
all, you know, and it, it, it just is.
And then she reminds me, you know, people like what you do.
I'm like, okay.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. ,
- You're getting better about that.
Yeah. You, you, uh, have less moments now than you used to.
Like, there there are finally times when you'll make
something, you'll be like, yeah, I fucking made that.
And I'm like, , there he is. I like that. Yeah.
Now we've spent a lot of time talking about, oh, sorry. I
- Was about to, you know, going, going back to the, um,
to the OF Mm-Hmm.
, um, you know. Yeah.
That, that has been something, you know,
I've always been more of a voyeur Mm-Hmm.
than an exhibitionist.
And then add on top of that, um,
for number of years I have not been happy
with my body.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
- . - Okay.
Um, not happy with it at all.
Uh, I look at myself and I'm like, don't like it.
Don't like it. And, um, you know that, that's a tough one.
Mm-Hmm. .
- That - Is a tough one. Mm-Hmm.
- . Well,
and yeah, you already are not comfortable being watched.
And then, and I get a, I love fucking being watched
and I have my own, we talked about it,
what was it in the last short episode?
We talked about it recently about, you know,
I love my body, so I Mm-Hmm.
, I can, um,
empathize completely with that.
Yeah. But, and those kinds of things
can hit your confidence level.
Yeah. Let's say you're a person
who can, can relate to that feeling.
And for some people that will keep them from going
to the dungeon and playing in front
of other people they don't want Mm-Hmm.
. Mm-Hmm. , they don't feel
comfort, they don't feel comfortable with their body.
They don't feel comfortable with their skills there.
For a long time, JB was very hesitant to flog me in front
of anybody because he was still practicing Florentine.
And man, that was like, that's a skill
that if you don't practice it, you will lose it.
Mm-Hmm. takes a bit to get it back.
And, um, you know, he was like, okay,
I'm gonna do some real basic stuff.
I'm not even gonna practice my Florentine on you
where other people can see.
And first of all, I think you get to make that decision.
I think it, it's okay. Mm-Hmm.
to keep some things private,
to do them on your own, to do them away from, you know,
prying eyes who can like, you know,
who either you perceive might judge you
or who will actually judge you.
Um, you know, confidence does not mean you have to rush in
and be under the spotlight and do all the things to prove
how confident you are.
Mm-Hmm. . Um,
and you get to create a boundary about, you know,
do I want to be watched for this?
Do I want to, you know, do I wanna wait
until I've improved my skills?
Do I wanna wait until I feel something within
that makes me feel more comfortable doing this?
Yes. It's, you know, it
feeling insecure
and just not feeling as confident as you would like,
is typically universally seen as a negative.
And in some ways it is, if it limits you, uh, and,
and the opportunities you take and the things you do,
and how you, you know, behave in a relationship
and how you interact with people
that can't absolutely be a negative,
but sometimes it's a, it's a growth opportunity.
You're gonna move through that insecurity.
You're going to, you know, gain more experience.
You're gonna practice more.
You're gonna only do something with very trusted people.
You know, where, you know
that when you make the inevitable oopsie
or you look awkward, or you Mm-Hmm.
get confused. You're in, you're safe to have
that experience without worrying what everybody else thinks.
Um, that's okay.
That's just part, I think of the, the process
of learning things and exploring things
and figuring out who you are too.
Um, you're not required to put yourself on display to prove
that you're a confident person.
Yeah. And, and I, you know, I might
I might tease a little bit, a little bit.
, I do not tease you about your body image issues.
'cause guess what? I know. Ain't nobody allowed
to fucking tease me about mine.
I know. Um, I might tease you a little bit about the
OnlyFans thing, but because it's,
because from my perspective,
anything that you would allow yourself to do
to me, with me, Mm-Hmm.
is something I don't have a problem
with anybody seeing
because true one,
I don't care about other people's standards.
We have our own standard of safety and pleasure. Right.
Right. And I know you're gonna do what you feel comfortable
and confident doing.
Mm-Hmm. . But I also respect the self-imposed
pressure that you might feel.
And so this is true for any form of public play.
There are plenty of people who are like, who are well aware
of why they're not gonna go play
in a dungeon or a play party.
And it, some of it relates to this, right.
It's like, I don't, I don't want to feel,
even if nobody is judging me,
I don't wanna feel like anybody's judging me.
Sure. And I, I, that's okay.
I don't, I don't think we all have to walk around, you know,
pounding our chest and, you know, pretend that,
fake it till you make a thing pretending
to be confident just to make sure
that nobody else thinks we're not confident,
like confident, real confidence.
To me, the kind that I relate to most
and the people tend to put me at ease,
like the people themselves.
It's a quiet confidence.
It's the, I don't have to go around telling it
and I don't have to go around proving it.
Yeah. I just, I'm gonna be who I am. Mm-Hmm.
the funny thing with that is sometimes we,
and we are including ourselves, we come across as confident,
but in our head, it's a spinning hamster wheel
of all the worries and all
the things we don't think we're doing. Right.
- You know, somebody asked in, in chat if
as an older person in lifestyle, if,
if I feel confidence comes easier.
Mm. And to a certain extent, yes.
Yeah. Um, because it's like I said
before, you know, it's kind of like going to the gym.
You, you exercise that, that muscle enough Mm-Hmm.
. And it becomes muscle memory. Mm-Hmm.
. Okay. So, you know, you, you just kind of,
you know, go into things and,
and you, you know what you're doing.
Now that being said, um,
this weekend I'm going to a workshop
to learn something totally new, something I have never done
before, but I have had an interest in.
And I'm like, yeah, that's pretty cool.
I'm, I'm looking forward to this.
I really want know how this is how this is done.
And part of this is that afterwards
you can then try it.
- Mm-Hmm. - and do it.
And, you know, while I'm looking forward to this,
because it's something I want to learn,
there's still in the back of my head,
am I gonna be able to do this?
What if I, you know? Sure. So to a certain extent, yes.
The, the confidence does get a little easier as old,
you know, it's kinda like getting a little older, you know,
and less fucks to give too .
Right. You know, but,
but you know, sometimes there, there's always that,
that little niggle, you know, it's like,
- And here's the thing to me, I don't read that as a lack
of confidence or you being insecure.
I read that as being cautious.
And a too many people think being
cautious means you're insecure.
I think I said that a few minutes ago.
I'm just, my brain's coming back around to it. Mm-Hmm.
. Um, and sometimes yes, you can be too
cautious because of insecurities and lack of confidence.
Yeah. Yes. But the, just the idea that you're like, Ooh,
I'm, I'm gonna do that, and I don't know how
that's gonna go, and am I gonna be any good at it?
Am I am gonna be safe?
Am I gonna be able to do it
in a way that doesn't harm anybody?
Mm-Hmm. , that's just caution there. Yeah.
That please, please.
More people be a little bit more cautious.
Like I just, I don't know
that there's enough people being cautious.
Um, but there, as with everything, there's a line
where you can cross that line from Mm-Hmm.
sort of a, a typical amount of caution
that will still allow you to do the thing and be nervous,
but do it and go the other way to
where you can't do anything because you're so cautious.
I am that person, hi, uh, ,
where all you could think is of how you'll fuck it up.
And so you can't do anything at all.
And that's where I think your
insecurities are getting in the way.
Um, but yeah, to be cautious does not mean to be insecure.
Um, and the fact, I think what would allow you to do,
to do it or to not do it would be confidence.
So if you go and you learn this thing Mm-Hmm.
, and you've got enough experience
with yourself doing kink things
and learning how to do kink things,
and you have co you have experience knowing
how your body moves
and what you are physically capable of, that if you sat
through that workshop and what that is really cool.
I am today not at a place where I could do that thing.
Mm-Hmm. not safely.
Not in a way that I will feel comfortable with
and, you know, manage the risk.
Yeah. That to me, the confidence to say that's really cool,
but I cannot do it yet.
That's confidence. Mm-Hmm. . Right?
Because it's confidence in yourself
and the other direction of I can get there,
but I'm not there today.
The that's, it goes back to
where fake it till you make it makes me nervous and kink.
Yeah. The fake it till you'll make it will be like, oh,
I don't even mentally, I don't know if I can do that,
but I gotta pretend I'm confident,
I gotta prove I'm confident I'll go off
and do the thing that, that one lesson was not
enough and I should not have done that.
Now we've been talking a lot about individual kink identity,
and I think that if you can grow confident in your kink
identity, that translates over to your power exchange.
But I do think there's some layers that are separate
for a dynamic where both partners can be confident within
the dynamic that are similar to, I know
Lola clearly worked a couple of doubles just back to back.
Yeah. Nobody tipped.
Well, , she's got a three pack a day habit. Yeah.
And she's just snoring.
Um, sorry, did I make her a, a Waffle House waitress?
Yes, I did. . Anyway.
Um, so within the dynamic part of, of mm-Hmm.
feeling con becoming confident in your power
exchange, what are some thoughts that you have
- Becoming confident, - Feeling confident.
Being confident, however you'd like to think about that.
- I, I think to, to get there, you need to
be open to learning new things.
Mm-Hmm. . Alright.
Um, you know, this one here is sitting across from me.
She, she, um, you know, kind of teased me,
playful, uh, ribbing sometimes
because whether it's it's kink or,
or even something that I'm interested in my vanilla life,
um, I will, you know, go
and do, you know, one-on-one workshops?
Mm-Hmm. . And she'd be like,
you know, what are you doing?
You've been doing this, you know, you could be teaching it.
And you know what, whether it's, um, something to do with,
with flogging or, or wax play
or even pen making, I have found, um,
going to, um, 1 0 1 stuff.
I always pick something up. Mm-Hmm.
, I always pick up a new little tidbit to add
to the toolbox per se.
And when I say toolbox, I mean the one up here in your,
you know, in your, in your head.
Um, you know, so, so yeah.
Be be open to learning no matter where it comes from.
Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
, poor girl .
And, and I think that's the most important thing.
And, and then of course there is doing the thing
because by doing the thing, you know,
are you gonna do it perfectly outta the gate?
Probably not. Um, but that's okay
because you learn from your mistakes.
You know, if you keep repeating the same mistake over
and over time, step back and, and,
and reassess certain things.
But you know, you, you learn from your mistakes,
that builds your muscle strength, your confident strength,
and, and you, you know,
keep building from there. Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm. . I agree with all of that.
Uh, when I think of how you
and I have developed confidence in our dynamic and mm-Hmm.
each other over the years,
some things come to mind.
Okay? Um, something I've said many, many times, um,
both sides of the slash you need to be a person
that your person can be safe with and feel safe with.
Mm-Hmm. . So that means, you know, to the,
to the, to the best of your ability
being judgment free when you, when they bring something
to you and listen to you, and it doesn't mean you won't have
feelings, it doesn't mean there won't be conflict, right?
Mm-Hmm. . But if I know that I can go say
anything to JB then, and I practice that
because in the beginning I'm not confident about that.
But at some point you take a leap of faith
and you go, Hmm, let's try.
And he continues to be the person I expect him to be
because that's the person he has presented himself as.
Then I grow in confidence
that I can keep coming to him and telling him things.
Uh, I'm not the person on the,
the first day I tell you a hard thing,
will it be the hardest thing I've ever had to explain?
It'll be a small thing as like a sending up a little,
a little, uh, flag to see, hey, wait, what, what happens?
Right? Mm-Hmm.
- . - And he doesn't judge,
and he doesn't give me crap,
and he doesn't make me feel bad.
And he listens.
And listening is as much a skill
as actually saying the thing.
So if you are great at speaking, um,
but not so great at listening,
that's something to cultivate, right?
Mm-Hmm. . Um, so that's part of it, right?
Like being able to, if I feel safe to be exactly
who I am with him, good, bad,
and ugly, then I can be become more confident in
who we are and what we're doing.
And that is reciprocated, right? Yeah.
He is safe to be exactly who he is with me,
to say what he needs to say.
Now, do we sometimes have to have the lesson of, okay,
there's, there's a way to approach, there's a way to
say this, some things that I'm still working on,
so I can't always, you know, hear you in the way
that you want me to hear you.
And we have to, we have to navigate
that together, of course.
Right? Um, the other way that I know for us that I've,
I am confident in us, even when I lack a little bit
of confidence in myself, is that through every
conflict we've had, every time we've gotten angry at one
another, um, for the most part except for one time,
and it was the worst argument we've ever had,
our power exchange is not really affected by it.
We're still doing the things we agreed
to do right now isn't perfectly valid in your power exchange
to go, okay, time out, we've
gotta get through this conflict.
We'll get back into this. Sure. Yeah.
We don't really have that.
I think we, because it hasn't come up often enough.
The one time there was an argument
where somebody was not their best self
and literally tried it happens.
Yeah. Tried to both use power exchange as a weapon
and also withdrew power exchange as a punishment, like a,
a non-consensual punishment.
Yeah. It was, it was a bad argument.
And we had to have a hard conversation
with not my best moment at
that point when we were ready to resolve it.
But that is, so that's the one
and only time over all these years.
Mm-Hmm. typically, and,
and the reason we were having the worst argument
of our lives were for outside purposes
that were strains upon us as individuals, right.
That then put the strain on the right.
It wasn't even that we were No, no.
Um, but by
and large, we, our power exchange continues on for us.
That's how we do it. It continues on.
And or I can imagine if we are the type, we're the type
to time out, the power exchange to get through the conflict,
then what would build confidence in me is, okay,
that's resolved time in and we're back to ourselves.
There's no, you know,
there might be lingering upset feelings,
but there's no lingering resentment
that then gets played out through the power exchange like
jb other than that one time.
And, and he, he, he made it right.
And it's we're fine ,
but in general, JB does not weaponize
his dominance against me.
Right. No. Like, he's not using it
as a cudgel when he is pissed off at me.
That is how you do not have confidence in your dynamic
because the, it's a, it's a mutual exchange
of power and control.
If one person weaponizes it against the other,
and yes, the missives can do that,
then you trust is gonna break down trust in both you
as a person and also the dynamic
you've built with one another.
Um, so that for, for me is where a lot
of the confidence comes from.
Yeah. Um, also,
other than probably his absolute worst moments,
which are very rare,
and I would say the same is probably true for me,
other than my most awful moments, we continue to be
who we have always been.
Yeah. There's no bait and switch here of
how he was super nice when we got together
and then once we were solidified, you know, it was a heck,
a heckle and ji Yeah.
God damn a Jekyll
and Hyde , The brain's not braining today.
Okay. Um, you know, he didn't pull a Jekyll
and Hyde like he has been.
And for the most part I am, I think, I think it's true.
I am who I have always been.
The only difference is I have let my weird out
in ways I did not in the early days. Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes. But the core of like,
- You don't know how many times
I'll be walking through the house.
She doesn't know I'm there and,
and I will just stop dead in my tracks and, and,
and watch the action.
- But you know what, that's my
confidence in our relationship.
Yeah. Because what I, I'm slowly learning is, oh,
I've been masking my whole fucking life
and at home with my family, ,
certainly the one place you should not
necessarily have to mask all the time.
Uh, the masks come off.
I have burned the mask, uh, buried the dashes, uh, under a,
a sacred tree somewhere.
Yeah. And now I let all my weird out. Mm-Hmm. .
Mm-Hmm. . But I'm, I'm safe too,
because this per this partner of mine has, has,
is a safe person for me.
Right. That to me is probably the most important thing of,
of any power exchange.
I don't care if it's romantic, sexual platonic.
If, if we're, you're trying to be long term,
whether you just met
or you've been together for a decade,
you want this to be long term.
Mm-Hmm. . You have to be safe for each other.
And that can mean a whole bunch of different things.
But in, in our case, JB is is
is the person who can, I can say the weird thing.
I can say the angry thing. I can say the hard thing.
He might not always, like what I'm saying.
There might be conflict we have to resolve,
but I'm always free to say that.
And I'm not then judged for that later. No.
And then that's reciprocated like he can.
- Yeah. And you know, it was brought up in, in the chat,
which I think fits in very well with this about,
and they say how their subs confidence in them
as a dom helps fuel confidence in themselves.
- Yeah. I could - See that. I think that's a,
that's a two way street.
- Oh yeah. When you believe in me Mm-Hmm.
I believe in me. Yeah.
- Mm-Hmm. . So, you know, it, it feeds off
of one another.
Mm-Hmm. . And, you know, I I,
I think it can go any number of ways, you know, if I
can give off a, a feeling of confidence
that makes you feel C and if you do the same, you know, and,
- And sometimes I think we do that for each other.
We have gone into situations
where we were not necessarily a hundred percent confident,
but we could lean on one another.
Yes. And united, like, as a united front,
we are gonna appear a lot more confident.
Also, I have found that the things that terrify me to have
to go do or I not zero confidence.
Mm-Hmm. in myself.
If JB is there, my confidence in myself may only go up
to like 10% confidence in myself.
But my confidence in JB not
to let me fall flat on my fucking face
and look a damn fool that's at about 150%
because one of two things is gonna happen.
He's either gonna like, come be next to me
so I don't have to do a fucking thing.
I can just sit there and, you know, be, be
or he is gonna help get me out of that situation
and give me a space to go calm down
or be like, maybe we need to go now or whatever.
Mm-Hmm. Like, we have enough of a, a close, you know,
we've been close enough in these situations Mm-Hmm.
For long enough that he can read me
and he knows kind of what I need.
At the same time, I know if he's not feeling confident,
I have found mostly if I just walk up to you
and lean into you or touch you
or hold your hand, you almost stand up straighter.
And then I don't do this in front of other people
because it doesn't feel appropriate to.
But when we are, it's just the two of us.
I am real quick to tell you, I think you did a good job.
Mm-Hmm. I think you handled that well.
You know, I knew you were a little nervous,
but you, you did not come across that way.
Like, I'm going to Right. Do whatever I can to try
and bolster your confidence.
Mm-Hmm. , um, in the way
that is appropriate for you Sure.
And the situation. Yeah.
- I agree. - So, you know, I think ultimately
time, experience, doing the damn thing,
you know, those things are gonna increase confidence, um,
in partnerships and relationships and power exchange.
It's being with the right person, you know, you should not
walk around feeling less than with a partner all the time.
And ideally that's either something within yourself
to work on, maybe through therapy or whatever.
But also if you have a partner who is validating you
and building you up and trying to be a source of support
and strength for you Mm-Hmm.
, then you, those feelings should over time,
slowly dissipate.
Like how much they dissipate over how much time depends on
what the cause of those feelings are in the first place.
But if you're partner is part
of the reason you are not feeling confident,
that's a problem, that's a problem.
Partner. They're either, it's either a huge incompatibility
or there's something else going on, or I, I don't know.
I don't know. Mm-Hmm. I can, I I can imagine
all the worst scenarios I actually cannot imagine Yeah.
A semi healthy situation where that happens.
Mm-Hmm. . Um,
- Well, you, you know, that, that is definitely
something I think that is important in, in any relationship,
whether it's kinky, non kinky, whatever.
You know, you telling me, you know,
you're, you're doing a good job.
You're really trying. That means a lot.
And same thing is coming to you
and say, you know, girl, you did a good job. Good girl.
- It helps to have a praise king just saying,
- Well, you know, it, - It does help
- .
So, you know. Yeah.
You know, being told that you're, you're doing a good job.
Too often we get caught in the trap of you didn't do that.
Right. Oh
- God.
- Yeah. Okay. You know, the, the negative
- Lemme point out all the negative and how you fucked it up.
- The ne it is so easy to roll out a
- Negative and it is so toxic.
- Yes. And, - Or it can be, I should say
- It, it can be.
And you know, that's why you, you,
you notice this in me earlier on.
I always, when, when we're out, you know, I always, um,
am very polite to cashiers in store Sure.
Servers, you know. Yeah.
Um, because in any of those jobs,
you know, they will quickly hear
when something is wrong.
- Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
- Alright. And,
and it's one of those things, once that's,
that negative is put out there, it gets amplified.
Mm-Hmm. . Alright.
So, you know, I, it's important to
keep that positive going too.
Mm-Hmm. , you know? Mm-Hmm. .
So Yeah. I, I do that when I'm out.
I, you know, try to do that with, with you or anybody else.
- Yes. And I mean, we're human
so it gets forgotten sometimes.
Mm-Hmm. And high stress moments you might not remember
to air on the side of, of kindness and empathy.
We all have our moments,
but it's not about what happens in an off moment.
It's about what happens consistently. Right? Mm-Hmm.
. And if you've got a partner who is
only focused on what you're doing wrong, well, not only does
that kill your confidence in yourself, right.
I don't know how you have confidence in the dynamic.
And it might not be that they're an awful toxic human being.
It might be they've got their own fucking issues.
And again, projection is Yeah. Very real and very pervasive.
But that does not mean that they need to be your partner.
Mm-Hmm. , they might need to go work on their
own damn issues on their, on their own damn time.
Uh, and leave you alone to go find somebody who's like
actually trying to Yeah.
Build this partnership with you. Mm-Hmm. .
And so everybody can feel confident.
And that happens on either side of the slash Yeah.
I mean, we are often a product
of all the sh we are a product
of all the shit we've been through and Right.
You know, there are plenty of us. Mm-Hmm.
, who most
of our experiences growing up we're
hearing negative things. I mean,
- I'll, I I I will, but doesn't, I will, you know, we
- Can't overcome it is my whole
- Point.
Yeah. I I will, I'll, I'll put this out there.
At this point in my life, I don't give a fuck.
You know, there's no fucks to give.
Um, you know, one of the things, when Kayla
and I got together, I was very, um, insistent
with the boys, you know, when they would start bickering
with each other, you're stupid, you're an idiot.
You, you know? Mm-Hmm. .
And, and I would always step in, you know? No, you don't.
- Yeah. - You, you don't,
you don't do that. You don't, we're
- Not talking to each other like
- That.
You don't talk to each other like that.
Um, and and for me, that stemmed from growing up
with a father who always told me I was stupid, never amount
to anything, and I wouldn't, you know,
- Mm-Hmm.
.
- And like, no, no,
- No.
You are one of the people who took the lesson
and over time took from the, the air quote lessons
of your childhood and went,
how do I make sure I don't fucking repeat this?
Not everybody takes that lesson. Yeah, yeah.
Um, that you can turn that around. You can unlearn that.
Mm-Hmm. . But it's a choice. You have to want
to unlearn that you have taken the,
the lessons from your shitty, shitty childhood
and the shit that people have done to you
and gone, how do I make sure I don't repeat this?
Right? Yeah. And so that has, you know,
tempered your interactions with people.
And now it doesn't mean God knows as the one who has done it
to you doesn't mean you don't get triggered.
Whew. Yeah. The source of many of our worst blowups are each
of us triggering the other.
Yes. It's awful. Yeah.
Um, , but, you know, that is
that I wish that were more common.
I think people can get there and people can do that.
Um, early adult life, I did not.
And then I, I remember the day I
made a conscious choice Mm-Hmm.
that I would do it differently
than was done to me.
Um, yeah. And that I was not confident in doing that.
And this has nothing to do with dynamics or kink life.
This, I did this as a parent. I was like, okay, uh, I know
what that method did to me.
Mm-Hmm. . And I can see it's not working.
I'm going to do the exact opposite.
The thing I was about, that whole thing
was insecure the whole time.
I think that's why a lot of people come
into kink and feel insecure.
You're going against the grain of what you have seen
as normal Mm-Hmm.
your whole life. And there's not
necessarily a rule book to follow.
There's not always readily available examples to follow.
And so then you're kind of out on this path with like
no streetlights to no to guide you.
- No guidepost, - No. There's no signs anywhere. Mm-Hmm.
. You're just on it and fumbling in the dark.
Yep. And, um, I think it takes a certain level
of inner strength
and a confidence that maybe you don't even know you have.
And it won't necessarily feel like confidence when you
start, but it takes that to do that, to go, this is
how I was treated, so I will not treat people that way.
This is how I was made to feel.
So I'm gonna work hard to try not
to make anybody feel the way that I have been made to feel.
Mm-Hmm. , you know,
this is the relationship style that has been modeled
to me my whole fucking life.
And I know it doesn't work for me.
So I'm gonna try something different.
That takes an inner confidence
that many people do not recognize.
And so then we get nervous about the thing we don't know how
to do, or the thing
that is different than anything we've ever done before,
or the thing we're not sure
what the right examples are to follow.
And we're flailing a little bit, trying to find our footing
and trying to figure out what we're supposed to do.
And we call that insecurity and lack of confidence.
That's called being fucking new at something.
The confidence is when you went, I'm gonna go do a thing
that other people are telling me I cannot do.
I'm gonna go do a thing that the world is telling me is
bad and evil and wrong.
I'm gonna go do a thing that I know my entire family would
disapprove of, but this is what feels right to me.
That's the confidence.
You actually already fucking possess the confidence.
You just have to nurture that confidence
and keep growing in that confidence
and let yourself be out of your comfort zone a little bit.
I am a huge proponent
of why do we have to leave the comfort zone?
It's called the comfort zone for a reason,
but also growth happens,
- Happens when you step outside,
- Outside of the - Comfort zone. Zone zone .
- Yes. And sometimes I think what we call insecurity
and a lack of confidence, not always, I mean, there's plenty
of examples of not having,
not feeling confident is just being uncomfortable.
Right? Yeah. We're uncomfortable
with this new thing we've never fucking done.
We are uncomfortable
because we had this pretty airbrushed picture in our head.
And life is not no mirroring that at all.
We're uncomfortable because it's still new
and we don't, you know,
we're unsettled. Mm-Hmm. . So
- I, I just saw something in chat that made me chuckle.
I'm like, yeah, okay. Uh,
normal is just a setting on the dryer.
- Mm-Hmm. . And I don't even use
that setting because it's never quite right
- , it's never quite - Right.
It's either too much or not enough. Fuck that
- Normal setting .
- So yeah. H how to be more confident.
You gotta go do the thing
and do the thing with the right people around you.
Mm-Hmm. part of the lesson of any part
of life, but we're talking kink here is to learn
who the wrong people are for you.
Yeah. And, and learn and recognize,
and then find the inner strength
to get away from the people who are wrong for you.
Mm-Hmm. . And that can be a partner
and that can be a community.
Yeah. Right. Um, and that will make all the difference.
- Yeah. - So,
- Yep.
Yeah.
- My, my brain is misfiring left, right. And center .
So I think I need to be done. Okay.
I think I could keep saying things. Mm-Hmm. .
But the, the brain is not braining today.
- Alright. All right. - Yeah.
It's sort of embarrassing
how badly the brain is braining right now.
Yeah. Um, so I'm,
I'm gonna say I don't have anything else to add.
Do you have anything else you would like to add?
- Nope. I think I'm good. And Onyx
is climbing around on your desk. Well,
- She was trying to bump into the tripod a few minutes ago.
- Oh, okay. Yeah. - All she's becoming
a little menace, but we love her.
Yes. So, okay.
So I guess we'll call ourselves
done and go into the bonus section.
- Are we good? ? - That is not for me to say that.
- Keep it, keep it kinky - Y'all.
And we'll see you next week.
Daddy.
- Yes, baby girl. Can we talk - To the crickets, please?
- Oh, I see what you're doing now you're saying we instead
of, can I talk to the crickets? I kept saying
- We, I'm sorry. You didn't
- Notice my, I, okay.
Alright. Alright. So, uh, yes, you can talk to the crickets.
- We can talk to the crickets - .
- Yes. Onyx is being a menace. Yeah.
Um, she, uh, this morning
came in as I was making the bed.
She does this most mornings.
She comes into the bedroom,
gets on the bed while I'm making the bed
and wants to be loved on,
but also does not wanna be picked up in reposition.
Mm-Hmm. , but also would like
to lay on the exact spot you need
to straighten out the blanket.
Um, yeah. And then is annoyed when you gently, you know,
nudge her to the side. Um,
- She, uh, she does that sometimes when I'm folding laundry.
Yeah. Comes in, you know, she, I,
I believe she thinks she's being a help, but she's not.
- Well, here's what I, I knew this,
but I was reminded of this
and I guess, I guess I was making connections
and synapses were firing
as they're supposed to this morning.
Not now, but this morning they were, um, okay.
Because I realized I, I pet her
and as, as often as she will allow me to Mm-Hmm.
. Um, and I'm constantly trying
to find like the perfect, uh, ratio of
how much I can actually touch her Mm-Hmm.
How much I can cuddle with her
and how, like, do I need to be real light and gentle?
Do I, and I finally
made the connection in my brain hole today.
No, the joke is she's very much, she
and I are very much alike,
which is why she's not cuddling up to me.
We're both Scorpio bitches from hell. Right.
We both have trust issues, , uh,
we're both not sure if we want to be,
have anybody in our personal bubble, like all of that.
And we also prefer when it's JB touching us
over anybody . And then I was
- You're the secondary human. Yeah.
- No, I'm fine - With that. The,
the stand in, stand in human.
- I mean, I'm the reason we have her,
but what the fuck ever ?
Um, it's fine.
Anyway, um, I had found like just the right, oh gosh,
- Excuse me. Yeah.
- I had found just the right pressure and tempo
and way of petting her that she completely bliss out.
And Onyx does not bliss out easily. She's got trust issues.
I feel that on a deep personal level.
Um, but I was petting her on her,
the back of her head, her neck.
She's blissing out and I'm,
I'm feeling like I'm being overly rough with her.
And cats will let you know if they do not
like how you are touching them.
They're very good at consent. Mm-Hmm.
, she's melting and I'm like, oh my God,
you really are like me.
It's like, no, no, don't touch me nicely.
What the fuck is that about? Yeah.
Be a little mean about it. consensually.
Right. So Yeah. Yeah. But yeah. Oh, oh, good.
Somebody woke up from her, her nap. Yeah.
Or she's just moved to locations for nap.
- Well, well she's staging, she's moving closer to the door
and the next day, you know, be to go
- Out. Yeah.
- Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Yep.
Yep, yep.
Yeah. So, but, uh, yeah,
she's, uh, you know, it, it's funny,
we've had her how long now? Four years. Mm-Hmm.
- this October will be four years.
- And, um, I remember there was a time
we would be sitting on getting her
- Off my desk, by the - Way.
Yeah. She's looking out the window.
She is that that lizard or that that's new.
That's a, uh, new cat tv.
It's on a different station. My desk. My
- Desk.
- So, but anyway, what, what was, uh, funny,
um, you know, when we first got her,
we were sitting on the sofa
and Lola was on the sofa with her.
I saw her one time. She went to jump up on the sofa,
realized Lola was there and she in the air .
Yeah. Did a, did a turn and scamper off.
Um, lately, uh, she don't give a shit.
If Lola's on the sofa, she will get up there and,
and come to me for pets.
- Yeah. She's been doing it to me a little bit too. Mm-Hmm.
. She will not sit in my lap,
but she will sit on a pillow.
Yeah. That is on my lap and I
will take it. Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm. - . There was a time she wouldn't
even get up on the couch if I was sitting there.
So we're gonna call these baby steps. Mm-Hmm. .
And maybe once she's like a, a little old lady, she'll,
she'll, you know, calm down and let me cuddle her.
Right. But I do tell her, you know,
especially when she is blissing out and she's like,
and I, she's so soft and I'm fucking loving her.
Like, oh my God, I just wanna, I said, you know,
cute aggression hits .
I just, I tell her very matter of factly that you wouldn't,
you would act, you don't know what you're missing.
If you would just let me cuddle you, you could have all
of this Right.
Right. In more than one spot. But that's not what she wants.
And so we have to respect that.
But then I'm like scrolling through Instagram reels
and there's all these people using the, uh,
baby wraps to hold their cat.
And I'm like, I won't,
I don't think I'll ever have that life.
Mm-Hmm. Not with these girls.
- No. Would've to start from a kitten.
- I do think. Well, and see the thing is, is one
of the people who does this, she actually got,
her cat was a barn cat.
Ah. Who was like semi feral, got sick, had to come in,
is not going back out.
I don't know if it's 'cause she's sick or
just she's the house cat now.
And would went from barely letting that person touch her
to being worn in the baby rap.
Okay. I know I was.
But all the people I've seen online
who are wearing their cats, they're,
they tend to be senior cats.
And I'm like, okay, I just have to wait for these girls
to get old and that's fine.
I I can do it. Yeah.
- I can do it. Yeah.
And, um, you know, all that we've been, um, you know,
spring has sprung
and we've been doing a whole bunch of yard work.
- Pressure washed the back part of the house
- As we can.
We pressure washed the back of the house and be a tiny shop.
- We're gonna wait till the next, uh, util the cycle,
the water bill cycles
before we do the front to try
to keep the spike in our water bill too, at minimum .
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. spread
that o out over a couple of months instead
of one big hit. .
- Oh yeah. We, uh, we did, uh, the back in one side.
Mm-Hmm. and also the back patio,
which was looking pretty rough.
- Yeah. It's one of those things that you just, you,
it becomes background noise
of your vision and you're like, you don't even
- Notice it.
It, it, it happened gradual. You know,
it happens gradually over time, so it didn't Yeah. But
- Now it's like so clean. It's,
- It's dark.
- I, I'm like, damn. Okay.
And uh, our back door was basically green.
It's now white again. Yeah.
- It's good. And that was because the gutter up
above the door needed attention too, which cleaned
that out and, you know,
- Um, did JB have an oopsie moment
and basically gouged his hand with water pressure?
Yes, he did. Yes he did. Oh, I still can't look at it.
Do you have it covered or is it still the liquid bandage?
- It's covered. It's covered. He did, he did.
The liquid bandage is on there, but I put a, a bandaid on
- It the day it happened.
We, we kind of kept going.
Everything was wet, so there was no putting a bandaid on it.
He gets done, he gets cleaned up, he goes
to put liquid bandage on it, and JB is for all that.
He emotes and he's in touch with his emotions.
He tends to be pretty stoic about some stuff.
Not everything, but some stuff.
not that liquid bandage hitting the
gouge in his hand.
Oh. I
- Mean, yeah.
That was, that was rough. Oh, that was rough.
- And he showed it to me right after it happened.
And I, and I was only seeing it like from the side,
and I went, Nope, no, I can't, I can't.
Then I was in the room when he poured the fiery substance
that is liquid bandage on it, .
And I went, Nope, I can't handle it.
And then a few hours later when it was, you know,
the liquid bandage had done its thing, he showed it to me
and I almost went into like full body convulsions
of just distress.
Yeah. My, I feel it in my whole body when somebody I care
about is hurt or injured, like I get these weird tingles
and sensations in my leg and my stomach tightens up
and it's a very physical reaction and I'm like, Mm-Hmm.
It's not just that I'm squeamish
'cause I am, it is just, I don't get that with anybody
that I'm not, like, that's not in my family
or that I don't care about deeply.
Like, if you're a random person,
I don't wanna see your injury, but I can handle it.
Mm-Hmm. Like, it's not, I'm not gonna have all these
feelings, but oh, I can't.
Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm mm-Hmm.
- Yeah. And, and see Mr. Spot. Yeah.
We did kind of talk about it,
but it was all circled around falling off a ladder,
which I did not do. No.
- Um, - I did not fall off a ladder. He
- Did not fall off a ladder.
He just put his hand in the wrong spot.
- In the wrong spot at the wrong time. And it
- Was just a second.
It, if you don't have any experience
with the water pressure, it doesn't take any amount of time.
It was Mm-Hmm. Not even a second. Nope.
Because you, you told me later you were like,
your brain wasn't quite connecting.
You went to do it, realized what you
did. Tried to undo it. It
- Was and it was too late.
Too late. Yep. Yeah. Yep. Ah, yep.
So yeah, it's just a scratch. Oh no.
And it's not, it's a goe.
You could see through layers of skin. It was a goe.
It's not a flesh wound. . Oh boy.
I hate it. I hate it.
- Hate it. I hate it. - So yeah.
- That was our grand adventure.
- Yep. So we've been, we've been doing a lot of,
a lot of yard work here.
We've been pruning trees and
- We've been having heart to heart talks in our backyard.
- Yep. - Like figuring out life stuff.
It's not, it's been nice for the heart to heart
to be a thing that's pulled us closer together.
- . Look, there's,
- There's been a lot of stress in life.
Not at the level of family members getting ill
and literal fucking cars hitting people.
That's a different level of stress.
It's, it's the daily grind of a stress
that has been a long time coming.
Yeah. We're dealing with it, whatever.
But that level of, of stress has,
we have felt like we can't get away from it and we can't.
It's, it's ongoing. Right.
And it'll be years to fix this .
Um, but what happened was we weren't talking
to one another about what to do about it.
And we were each trying
to make the other one feel better while also each
individually being kind of pissy and so
- . Yeah.
- We were snapping another, we weren't having arguments,
we weren't getting into fights, but we were short
with one another and we were snapping at one another
and we weren't on the same page with one another.
And resentment was building on both sides. Mm-Hmm.
. And it was just, eh. And
so we pressure washed the house. .
- Yeah. We - Did some stuff and then we just sat down
and it was so funny.
You did when you set up the chairs
where we were sitting in the shade Mm-Hmm.
what we do accidentally when we were in the
car, it was a parallel conversation.
We were not facing one another.
We were sitting looking out at our handiwork Mm-Hmm.
side by side. So we weren't actually looking
at one another and we ended up having a great conversation.
Yep. And then that conversation led
to smaller conversations over the next few days where
like realizations were made
and we each had to go, wait, I thought
you thought like Yeah.
A couple of years worth of things.
We were each walking around thinking the other one had been
thinking and we had been incorrect
- .
Right. Uh, .
- So I'm, I'm not saying you have
to pressure wash your house
and gouge the flesh of your hands
- - To, to get there.
But that's how we did it. So
- It's not a couch, just a scratch.
It's not a scratch.
- I saw through layers of skin. Oh God.
Every time I think about it. Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm
mm-Hmm mm-Hmm mm-Hmm.
- Good thing you weren't around for some
of the times that I really did. Like,
- See, here's the thing, you know who you're dealing with.
The one time you really did get hurt, you had
to assure me there was no blood to get help.
Yeah. So just, you just know who, who,
who you married as long as .
No. Yeah. No. Um, so yeah, we have not fixed any part
of our life, but we are at least on the same page now.
Yeah. And we manage just by having a conversation.
This is the power of like,
just getting on the same fucking page with a partner.
Like we both started actually feeling hopeful again,
, nothing has changed.
Mm-Hmm. Nothing has changed.
Everything is exactly the way it was
before that conversation.
We were trying to change it, but like, nothing's changed.
Um, and yet we both feel better . I don't know.
I don't, I don't understand the, the physics of that,
but I know that it, it is what happened. Yeah. Um,
- And, and silent, you're right.
If it was a gouge, it wouldn't need stitches.
It does not need stitches.
- It might've No, it does not.
Y'all did not hear the screaming
that came from the liquid bandage.
A wound opened that much.
I mean, I guess if he, if we're ever like in the middle
of the Civil War in the 18 hundreds
and he gets shot, I'll just pour liquid bandage on it.
Jesus Christ. I dunno why?
I mean, I just, I don't know.
Anyway, ,
, you know what?
And it's blood in and of itself is not my favorite.
Like, I'm not gonna seek out looking at it.
It is the wound that goes with the blood. Mm.
It's the wound I can't really handle.
Um, be, and I, it's
because with, especially with people I care about,
I have such a physical reaction to it is a,
it's a painful reaction.
I don't know what that's about. I
don't know where it comes from.
And, um, I don't like seeing
wounds like Mm-Hmm.
on other people either.
When we're watching a movie, I,
I can usually tell if I gotta get up.
Can I tell you that the first time I ever saw Deadpool?
Oh, I was not prepared. . Yeah.
I spent easily 60% of that movie just looking down
or looking away or putting the pillow in front of my face.
I mean, we watched it at home, obviously.
- I'd have, I have to, I have
to be there. Okay. You can look now.
- You're right. Exactly. Exactly.
So, yeah. Uh, we are finally in our
solidly spring practically summer weather.
I think we should have put the, the loud fan on today.
Mm-Hmm. It's so warm back here.
- It is. I'm, I'm not uncomfortable,
but it is warmer than it has
been. Yes. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
- . Yeah. Yeah.
It was warm enough last night and, and
or I had enough hot flashes that my,
my little fan could not keep up.
- Really? Oh - My God. I woke up so many times. Miserable.
So well and silent. I didn't dislike Deadpool.
I just could not look at the screen
- For Mm
- Mm mm So, um,
you and I are gonna go run an errand together later.
- We are. Mm-Hmm. Gotta go pick up,
uh, band saw blades. Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm. and check the mail. Yep.
And one of the 14 year old's teachers thinks I'm going
to call her and not just email her.
I know what she's calling about.
She wants to have a conversation over the phone about it.
No, no. We're good. I know he failed that test.
I know he won't get full credit for this blah blah thing.
I discussed it with him and he went, okay. And there we go.
Natural consequences. That's what we're doing.
But please don't make me fucking call you.
Let's just do this by email ,
but yeah.
- Um, that's all I got.
- Yeah. I mean, can I keep going? I can always keep going.
I just don't necessarily think there's a, a market for me
to just keep going.
Uh, some of y'all would enjoy that
and I'm grateful to y'all.
Yeah. But yeah, so I guess we should go Mm-Hmm.
and do things. Yeah. Okay. Fine.
All right. Okay. Fine.
- Okay. - Um, we think everything is fixed and,
and working as it
- Should.
It seemed, it seemed to stay the way it was.
We haven't gotten any errors or, you know. Yep,
- Yep.
We, I don't even think we've had the, the blip. The
- Blip blip - No.
For the screen on the,
- Um, Nope. Gold
- Black.
Nope. Podcast listeners,
you're very fortunate you don't have
to live through any of that .
You just have to bear with bad audio, which I,
we should have fixed this week as well. Yeah,
- That should be. Yeah.
- But, uh, so we should, we'll be back next week. Mm-Hmm.
as we should be. Yep.
And yeah, I guess we're gonna go. All right. Okay.
- Bye. Bye.