- You are listening to the Living BDSM podcast.
Kayla Lord's here with the one, the only,
the you have every right to be stressed right now.
I wish I could make it better. John Brownstone.
- Yeah. - We've been having technical difficulties prior
to recording y'all.
- Major technical
- Difficulties.
Yeah. Y'all should not notice a thing
'cause the audio is just fine.
Right? It's the video portion that's, uh,
- Gonna be a bit janked. Yeah.
- Yeah. So - Not what it, what not what
we become used to. No,
- No.
Not at all. . So, yeah.
You have every right to be stressed. Yeah.
Is that what we're talking about today?
No, no, no, it's not. Uh,
this week we're answering a question from a ster who's not
feeling confident about their large breasts during fuckery
and other, other moments with their partner.
Uh, they're looking for lingerie options
that actually support the tatas.
Um, that's not all we're gonna talk about though.
Uh, a content warning for anybody who might need it.
Uh, we will likely talk about body size
and body image in this episode.
Maybe not fully in depth,
but we will definitely be touching on that.
If that's nothing you want to think about right now,
feel free to note outta this one.
Uh, feel free to skip it, come back later if you want to.
Whatever, whatever. We've got so many other episodes.
There's something else. Go listen to take care of yourself.
Always. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.
If you're new here, we help Kinks are like you have happy,
healthy power exchange relationships at the podcast,
your favorite podcast apps.
You never miss an episode.
And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future one
of these, uh, we have a contact page called Ask your
Questions on our website@lovingbdsm.net.
That's loving bdsm.net.
Or you can find it in the show notes, uh, for this episode.
Okay. Let's get into the question. Right.
I'm a larger woman in my fifties,
specifically in the breasts 42 Triple D.
I'm super self-conscious about their size
and more on the side
of them not being perky like they were as my younger self.
My partner likes playing with breasts.
Is there intimate apparel that supports the tatas?
I've seen some items of Victoria's Secret,
but they aren't always accessible in the areas which
also need access.
Any recommendation will be helpful. Okay.
We're totally gonna do what we can to help. Yeah.
But there's a whole other part I wanna focus on.
But let's start with maybe what would help, first of all,
a Triple D don't go to Victoria's Secret.
They are not designed to help you.
They're not even trying to help you .
Um, I wish I was a lingerie person
and could say, here, go to these places.
'cause these places are amazing. I'm not.
Um, I did do a quick Google search. Mm-Hmm. .
There are definitely people,
or I say people definitely companies claiming
that they cater to bigger boobs.
Um, here's what I found when I was doing a search though.
Look at the models they use
because the sites that tried to tell me, oh yes, we cater
to Triple D's and G's and F's and go through the alphabet,
and then all their models were maybe a B minus cup.
Mm-Hmm. if they took a deep breath. Right?
I was like, okay, I don't trust you.
Um, are there lingerie companies that make bras
and other pieces of lingerie for larger bodies
and larger boobs?
Absolutely. The first thing that came to my mind,
and you tell me what you think,
and everybody says this differently,
I always call it a corset.
Mm-Hmm. . But I keep hearing it
being called a corset.
Pick your pronunciation. Mm-Hmm. .
But a corset is what I thought
of the moment I saw this question. That
- That would definitely work.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, you know,
because there's a number of different styles you can get
in courses and some of them absolutely do offer support.
- Yeah. I've seen two styles that came to mind.
One for access specifically is the kind where the
boice part is open and the boobs are just out there.
They're just hanging out, having a good time,
getting all the air and the attention.
And then of course there's the type
that holds 'em, but lifts 'em.
And what I've noticed, um, for larger chest people,
your cleavage is a little like under your chin,
but it's also like dead sexy when I've seen
it on, on people.
So, um, in terms of where to find that kind of thing
so that it's actually decent quality, um, look on FetLife,
because corsets as fetish wear are very common.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, you absolutely can find corsets
on online from non kink places,
but there's nothing wrong with sending a little business
to kink Mm-Hmm.
, uh, businesses.
Also people and
or companies that make, um, uh, clothing costumes
for like renaissance fair cosplay kind of thing
because you tend to get something that's better structured,
maybe even, um, like
what's authentic is the word I want
to Mm-Hmm. maybe a a
- Time period or whatever.
I, um, you know, one, one thing, not
that I know a great deal about corsets,
but, um, I think one of the things you wanna look for,
you know, yes, you can find corsets nowadays
pretty much anywhere.
Mm-Hmm. , even Amazon. Mm-Hmm. .
Um, but what, when you find a good
corset maker, it is the quality
you are paying for, for to hold.
Yes. You know that it's gonna last.
Um, I, I believe from
what I have read, um, one of the things the better, um,
corsets use bone
- Like boning, - Boning, yeah.
Mm-Hmm. , um, for support,
which is I believe one of the better.
Yes. Ones you can go go to.
Um, other than that,
I don't know a whole lot about corsets myself.
- No. It's always been my dream to like, have one mm-Hmm.
like in my mind, my, uh,
kink aesthetic in a kink space is a corset
that like nips tucks holds me all in and up
because I too am constantly thinking, oh God,
my boobs are not sitting where they used to .
Um, and then, and there there'd be purple there.
Of course there'd be, and then like a tutu
or some kind of Kline tool thing
where my ass is hanging out.
But like, I technically have covered it, .
And then knowing me, because I don't do heels,
I'm probably wearing my purple converse
'cause comfort every fucking day.
There you go. Um, .
So I am putting this out here
because when I tried to do research, that was the hard part.
I was like, well, who do I, how do I know I can trust a
company if I haven't personally used them?
So that's why, because I don't specifically know any
companies that I've, I've worked with or that I know about.
I'm not naming anything. But what I'm part of
what we're doing here is putting this out to the audience
who is watching and or listening.
And if you have recommendations of companies that
do good work
and absolutely cater to bigger boobs,
like drop those links and those company names
and, you know, let us know whether it's corsets
or just lingerie in general.
Mm-Hmm. . Now here's the part that stuck out
to me that I was like, if we don't address this, it's going
to eat me a lot.
Uh oh. It is.
I'm super self-conscious about their size and
because they're not perky,
but then my partner likes playing with breasts.
So what I want, one, I want you to wear
whatever makes you feel fierce and fabulous and sexy.
Mm-Hmm. . And if
what you want is massive support
and to kind of like have the appearance
that the girls are standing up by themselves,
I, you should have that.
Okay. And I think it's out there.
You just might have to search for it.
But also what I want for everybody, including myself, is
for you to be comfortable with your body.
You don't have to love it. That's body positivity.
I'm a fan of body neutrality,
which just means you acknowledge that that's your body
and you don't have, uh, a good or bad thought about it.
Mm-Hmm. it just
exists not one way or the other.
Yeah. Right. And maybe, maybe it's
'cause it's been on my mind lately when I saw this question,
I was like, oh yeah, we have to, we have
to talk about this .
And it's because I am not at all confident about my body.
Not just my boobs, but like my stomach and even my butt
because it's not as high as it used to be.
It's not as firm as it used to be.
It's not as round as it used to be.
It's still a perfectly serviceable ass.
It gets me sitting up and it gets spanked.
So it's doing its job. Right. .
But if I have to like, let myself think about
how I feel about my body, it is not a positive thing.
And so I feel like I can kind of maybe relate,
but I wanted to pass on some hard earned wisdom,
wisdom experience.
I don't know. And it's about
assuming you have a good partnership with this person
and that they are enjoying your boobs, right?
Like, you might not feel good about them. Mm-Hmm.
. But they're like, I mean,
I don't care if they're, you know, motor boating them,
or whatever they they might be doing
to them if they are just actively appreciative,
openly appreciative and enjoying your boobs.
That is what I want you to focus on.
Because yes, you know, it's,
it's like telling an anxious person.
What if you just tried not worrying, like
you are self-conscious about your boobs?
What if you just weren't like, it doesn't work. Okay.
And anybody with any sense knows it doesn't work.
But the thing I have found helpful over the years is not
in the moment with, with JB
and anybody else who might be appreciative of
what everybody partner's saying, I'm not thinking about
how I feel about it.
And that was hard to do. That took me a while to overcome.
Mm-Hmm. , I'm focused on what,
what you're making me feel and your reactions.
Now somebody's gonna say we shouldn't
need external validation.
Well, maybe we shouldn't, but sometimes that fucking helps.
Okay, let's use what we've got.
And if you've got a partner
who is showing their appreciation for a part of your body
that you are self-conscious about for whatever reason
that might be, and you don't either want to feel that way
or you can tell that the way you're feeling is impeding your
enjoyment of the moment.
The thing I'm gonna say try doing
and it'll, if it works for you, it'll get easier over time.
Focus on their pleasure.
Like, you don't say in your question, are you submissive?
Are you dumb? Are you switch?
Like, I don't get, I don't get a sense of your role here,
so I don't wanna assume anything.
But as a submissive realizing, wait,
JB is in charge of everything.
I've given him that power .
He is the one who controls this.
He is the one who tells me what he wants.
I don't have to wonder
or question am I doing the right thing.
I literally just have to do what I'm told.
Which means if my daddy Dom tells me
that he likes my body, he is enjoying my body.
Mm-Hmm. it might not change how I see my body,
but it does allow me to kind of do this little mental leap
of, well, I don't think my daddy is a liar.
My daddy's in charge. So if my daddy likes my body,
here's my body for him to like and enjoy.
Mm-Hmm. . And then what happens for me,
which is rare, I've got one
of those minds that's constantly going.
It does not slow down for anything, is if I can just
sink into and experienced, experienced, what are words?
I don't know, experience the pleasure I'm feeling the
moment, the moment.
And it's, it's a little bit of that mindful thing,
but not in like, not in the woowoo sense more
of a Oh oh, that feels really good.
And what I, what I'm thinking about is, oh, I like
that sharp pain in my nipple.
I'm not thinking, oh my God, my boob is like, has moved off
to the side and we have parted the red sea
in the middle of my chest.
- . Oh goodness. - Can I get stuck in that?
Yes I can .
Um, and then it kills my enjoyment for the moment.
But if I can try to push that thought to the side
and just think about the sensations
that I'm experiencing that I enjoy, or the connection.
Like we were speaking of boobs before recording today.
I had been getting changed and dressed and I looked down
and I had two fading bruises on my,
my boobs, one on each one.
And I for a second went, wait, how?
And then I remembered over the past few days,
J's been very handsy and I've been enjoying it .
And he is been grabbing and squeezing hard.
And I have, I have not in that moment thought, oh God, my,
my boobs not the same shape it used to be.
It's not the same size it used to be.
Quite frankly, I don't like it when they get
smaller .
I prefer them to be, uh, more than a handful.
But I'm also not carrying around, you know, anything
that can hurt my back or my shoulders.
Um, and I was so caught up in what
we had been experiencing together.
I mm-Hmm. . And the, and I love pain
'cause I'm a masochist and that, that hits,
that hits me in all the right spots when you do that.
I hadn't even been aware you had held on hard enough
to leave a bruise because I hadn't been thinking
of the body part.
I'd been focused on the sensation
and the connection right now,
me from 10 years ago when we first got together,
who was also about 40 pounds lighter.
Let's be real. Um, that took a while. That was hard to do.
I actually needed to be almost overstimulated
and kink to get out of my own head in order to just learn
how to focus on the sensations and the pleasure over time.
I've had a partner who threw all of the ups
and downs of this particular body, has been appreciative
of it, has lavished it with affection,
has made it feel good.
You don't shy away from my body just
'cause it does not look like it did when we first met.
And I have leaned into that because it's a trust thing.
If I trust you, then I have to trust
that even if I don't agree with what you see, .
Mm-Hmm. , I agree
that you I trust that you mean it. I mean,
- You know, that goes both ways.
Mm-Hmm. , I mean, let's face it.
I do not look the way I did
- No.
10 years ago. I think you,
but I think you've actually, you,
you had gotten a little bit bigger and then lot
before we met and then lost weight.
And then you and I have gone through the
fluctuations together since then.
Yeah. So I've watched you do up and down. Mm-Hmm.
as much as you've watched
me do up and down. Yeah.
- So, you know, it, it, it kind of goes both ways, right?
- And it's not, it's not as simple
as well just don't worry about it.
Mm-Hmm. If you have power exchange dynamics at all in your
relationship with this partner, even if it's just for play
or even if it's just role play to the extent
that you are comfortable, that I would lean into that.
Because for me, as a submissive, it's very comforting to go,
well, my daddy says so,
and all I have to do is do what my daddy says.
Right? .
Um, it doesn't change how I may feel when I'm alone
and I'm getting undressed or I'm taking a shower.
I catch a view of myself in the mirror
and I just, I, I don't love it.
I don't love it. But I don't walk
around worrying all the time about want needing
to love my body.
I just need to accept that it exists
and it's functioning right.
It's functioning enough that I am alive
and I can do things with it.
And that is enough for me.
Um, so I'm anybody with a larger body, whether,
whether it's just your boobs
or it's other parts of you, we are mostly inundated
with body positivity.
And I think the sentiment
behind body positivity is not an awful one.
I think the goal of it is not an awful one.
I just don't think it's realistic for anybody
who is socialized to be extremely aware of their body
and to find it lacking
because of the societal norms we've been taught.
Right? Like, it's, it's just not as easy as going, okay,
well I just love it today.
No, no, no, no, no. And in your,
if you're in your fifties, well, I'm in my forties.
We've got decades of the way we've been taught
to view our body to probably undo.
And you may never undo all of it.
So if you can get to the point where you're like,
I just accept that it is what it is,
and hey, my, my partner is really fucking digging
these big boobies here, .
So, you know, lean into that if you can,
assuming they're actually showing their appreciation.
If your partner is not showing appreciation,
then I think it's okay to have that conversation.
If you know your partner loves boobs
and you're not getting a vibe
that they're like super excited about it,
have a conversation sometimes that's not really about you.
Mm-Hmm. , I have absolutely gotten into my head
about my body because j b's libido was down
and he wasn't handsy.
He wasn't like all over me.
But then we have a conversation
and I realize it's not about me.
His his not getting close to me, has nothing to do with me
and everything to do with what he's going through.
Sometimes people don't realize
that they're not showing their exuberance
as much as they once did.
You get comfortable with people,
and so you can be like, Hey,
there was a time you literally made animalistic noises over
my boobs and now you've gone quiet.
Is is something up ?
And it could just be that they,
maybe they thought you didn't like it.
Maybe your partner is aware of your self-consciousness
and they're trying not to like, make you feel weird.
So maybe just have a conversation.
But if your partner is like all up in the tatas,
focus on what that feels like.
Mm-Hmm. as much as you can.
And I think over time it becomes easier
to not worry in the moment
about what you actually look like.
Now that being said, find lingerie that makes you feel sexy
and fierce and like you can just take on the fucking world.
I am here for that shit. Okay.
If I ever get my hands on an actual corset
that makes me look
however I might envision in my head, y'all will not be able
to say shit to me.
Okay. , I'll be strutting. Okay. .
So look for lingerie that you think will do that for you.
There's nothing wrong with that either.
Um, was there something else I wanted to say
and I've now forgotten?
Hmm. Yes. Yes. There
- Was . Okay.
- Um, as, as a a, a person who is down
to fuck a a another person with a lot of issues about
how I see myself from your perspective as the partner trying
to like, get busy with the person who's trying
to actively hide her body.
Mm-Hmm. , do you have any thoughts
or opinions, um, or advice?
- I, I honestly don't know. Um, it's hard. Yeah.
I mean, you know, for me it's, it's a matter of
enjoying and, and just giving
and receiving pleasure. Mm-Hmm.
- , I know I can get very wrapped up in
what I look like and then forget
how good something can feel.
Mm-Hmm. and I've tried to do for you.
I think what I want done for me and you do it for me.
We just never have the conversation about it.
I know the parts of your body that you are,
uh, self-conscious about.
Like, we've just been around each other for too long.
So what I like to do, and I like
to make it a conscious effort, so feel free to share this
with your partner so they know
to make this a conscious effort.
I will absolutely lavish a part of your body with
sensation and touch
and affection when I know it's a part that you don't love.
Because I want to remind you that I,
I can't hope that you don't love it.
I like this also, I want it to feel good. Yeah.
Because it's so easy to kind of go, oh, I hate this part
of my body and how it looks
and forget weight when it is touched in the right way.
Mm-Hmm. that shit feels good.
It doesn't matter what it looks like. Yeah.
And you know, if you can wrap your mind
around letting you know, assuming
what your partner does is enjoyable to you Mm-Hmm.
focusing on what it feels like
and enjoying what it feels like while trying to separate
that from your thoughts about what it looks like.
And I remembered what I was gonna say.
The other thing I would recommend,
and I recommend this for anybody, with anybody image
of issues, is that what part of
what perpetuates those issues and those the thoughts
and feelings we have, is that we are surrounded every day by
what the quote, ideal air quote that real big looks like.
And so then we have to stop looking at the things
that are not serving us.
I, I'm an Instagram girly.
Other people will have other platforms,
but what happens is the algorithm is gonna show you what is,
you know, the ideal, right?
Mm-Hmm. , again, massive air quotes,
or whatever ideal means.
And it, what ends up happening is you start to think that,
you start to see it, you
start to think, well, that's what's normal.
You start to think you're the not normal.
And so now whatever thoughts you've,
and feelings you've already had about your body
are just compounded.
Uh, my recommendation is, and I've done this
before for myself and it really has helped a lot, is I mute
and or block the accounts.
I just really don't need to see
because the, the person hasn't done anything wrong.
Mm-Hmm. . But it's not helpful to me. Right.
And then I have to train the algorithm on whatever app I'm
using for what I'm looking for.
So I have to go look for hashtags
and I have to go look for people that look more like me.
And when I come across content that looks more like me,
I then need to engage with it.
I need to share it, I need
to like it, I need to comment on it.
Mm-Hmm. so that whatever app I'm using goes,
oh, you like this kind.
Now for somebody striving for body neutrality,
which is again, my huge, my personal recommendation,
you might find with larger bodies, you see a lot
of fitness content
because there are lots of larger people who want to get fit,
whether they're trying to lose weight or not.
You only, you know if that's okay
for your mental health to see as well.
But there are plenty of models
and OF OnlyFans folks and whatever, whatever, whatever.
There is content out there.
They're just larger people just living their fucking lives.
You have to go look for them.
The algorithm is not gonna
serve 'em up on a platter for you.
But once you do and you find people that you connect with
and you're like, oh, oh wow.
Okay, that person looks like me,
or Oh, I see myself in what they're talking about
or whatever, you know, then you're, you're normalizing
for yourself people who look like you
and you're not the outlier
and you're not the quote only one.
You're never the only one. So I know your question was about
lingerie, but anytime we can help somebody maybe
feel less insecure about a, a part of themselves
that there's not, there's nothing wrong with it in the sense
of, you know,
could there be a physical problem when you're a bigger chest
person that causes back pains, that causes shoulder pains.
That's one thing. That's not what I'm talking about.
There's nothing wrong with not having perky boobies.
I promise you. A person who loves boobies
and likes you, they're not measuring the distance from like
your chin to your areola.
Like, they don't care. They're like, look, there's a boomy.
Mm-Hmm. and they're having a good time. Right.
Yeah. That was my, my long-winded, uh, lecture.
Sorry, there. Um, hopefully that can help somebody.
And yes, if anybody listening
or watching has any lingerie corset
recommendations, share them with us.
I will pass 'em along to the person who asks a question, um,
so they can at least have that too.
Okay. Mm-Hmm. , thanks for listening
to this week's q and a episode.
If you, you want us to answer one of your questions,
just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the show notes.
Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon,
we're able to do this podcast and keep it going
and help Sters due to your support.
If you'd like to be part of our community
and get access to extra content
and a Discord server with a group of super cool,
super nice kinks, you can do that.
Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords.
That's patreon.com/kayla lords,
or use the link in the show notes.