- You are listening to the Loving BDO podcast,
episode three 90.
Caleb Lawrence here with the web, the only,
the man whose soul dog Lola,
is snoring right next to him.
So loud. The mics are picking it up.
John Brownstone,
- .
- We're sitting here starting the recording process
and there's like, we have a moment of silence
as the recording starts, and she's just like,
- .
- That's our Lola girl. Yep. - Yep. That's our girl.
- She is not, she's the center of our world,
but she is not the subject of today's episode.
This week we're talking about an extremely common sentiment
among Sters, uh, something you
and I have each said in the past, right?
Uh, about whether s have all
of the power in a DS relationship or not.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.
This is your first time listening. Glad to have you.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving BDSM is produced every Monday
and Friday for your kinky pleasure in education.
And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add the podcast
to your favorite podcast app.
You can also follow the show on FetLife at Loving BDSM PC
that stands for podcast Y'all on Instagram
and threads at that handle.
I will forever fucking hate loving Ds and the number one.
So that's at Loving DS one.
Or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving
bdsm, where you can watch us live.
Stream the podcast every Wednesday.
All links are in the show notes.
, you worried me there for a second? I worried
- Myself the way things have been going this morning
with the, uh, technology.
Um, you know, it's just, uh, it's fine.
- It's fine. This is fine. It's fine. Okay.
Before we get into the topic
where we can thoroughly piss people off like we do sometimes
with some of our topics, um, just reminding you,
there is still time to register
and get your free ticket
to the Dom Sub Dynamics Virtual Summit
April 8th through 11th.
It is completely online.
You can absolutely register for free.
When you register for free.
You get access to each of the online sessions for 24 hours.
So if you can't actually attend on the day of a session
or at the time of a session, you'll have some extra time.
We have a session on punishments and rewards
and like what we hope are practical tips
and information for figuring out the right punishments and
or rewards for your power exchange.
Uh, rah rah who is in our live chat has, uh, a session,
Evie Lupine, uh, so Megatron, ludo, matata, Justin Cross,
all kinds of people, um, doing all kinds of things.
The link is in the places.
If you have not, uh,
heard about it from me umpteen times at this point
and still haven't clicked that link, go click that link
and you can see what the different sessions are.
Um, so it is absolutely free. That is true.
Uh, you can attend for free.
You do not have to have the have money to do this.
However, if you have the budget for it,
you can purchase the VIP pass.
Um, and when you do, you will get extra stuff.
You'll get lifetime access to all the sessions.
So you really can watch and rewatch on your own schedule
and then you'll get extra.
I just kind of call 'em goodies
'cause it's all kinds of different things.
Um, we have contributed to that.
VIP pass, uh, a workbook companion
to our session on punishments and rewards.
So you can take the things we're saying, Hey,
we think you should do this,
and then actually apply them in the
workbook with the worksheets.
Um, you don't have to purchase that in order
to get the value from the summit.
We were all told, we're like, Hey,
if you're providing a session, this better be actionable
shit that people can do when your session's over.
She didn't say it like that. She's a professional.
That's how I think of it. , um, .
So, uh, if you haven't gotten your ticket yet,
don't know what the hell I'm talking about.
Click the link in the places, go check it out, register
for free, go forth,
get your kink education on, is what I'm saying.
Okay. There we go. That was the commercial. Mm-Hmm.
. Um, what else?
Was there anything else? Probably not. No.
That was the only thing. So we're gonna get into this topic,
and I, so you sure about that?
I had the thought of us talking about this uhhuh, which is
for anybody who's like, what the hell?
I didn't look at a title. Uh, we're gonna talk about
that concept that, that I idea, that thought,
that phrase that is said.
And we have said many times in the past, Mm-Hmm.
, this was have all the power.
Um, , I read it in a comment,
I think on something that I, I,
I think I might have posted it to the ker Instagram,
the kry.com is JB shop at the Kry on Instagram.
Anyway, that's beside fine.
Um, and I just kind of like, I I, I cringed y'all.
I cringed and not at the person
and not at their, like, what they were trying
to express, but I cringed.
So then I went to JP and I went, okay,
I'm having thoughts about this very common expression.
And he went, oh, I have thoughts too. And I was like, okay.
And then I was like, what does the internet say?
Which I don't let the internet guide my opinions,
but I do like to be aware of
what the internet thinks about things.
. And I came across a Reddit thread from four
years ago where somebody was talking about
this that changed in history.
It does feel like it. Um, I would love to link
to it in YouTube,
but I don't trust YouTube with A-B-D-S-M anything.
So, uh, it will be linked in the show notes
for podcast listeners.
I will try to come back on Friday
and put the show notes link in the YouTube description
for anybody who wants to go read that thread.
But literally, if you Google,
do submissives have all the power in BDSM.
It was one of the top results.
I I read it as almost always a top result. Hmm. It's there.
You can find it. So, and people had very conflicting
opinions on it four years ago, .
So I say all of that to say
it's a little bit like when we talk about titles
and labels, it is okay if you do not agree with us,
if we are still kind of figuring out what we think.
'cause I don't think we've ever had this
conversation even with one another.
No, we haven't. So this will be an exploration live of kind.
Right. Mm-Hmm. . Um,
but if you see it differently than we do, that's okay.
It it's fine. Me sharing my opinion
and JB sharing his opinion
and it differing from yours does not
invalidate your opinion.
Um, so have your opinion.
My whole thing is when you have an opinion about something
or a strong reaction to somebody else's opinion, I,
I think it's probably good practice to like, in internally
investigate why, why or
to think deeply about why you feel deeply about something.
Not to invalidate it, not to change your mind,
but just to kind of go, yeah, this is why I think this way.
And that's fine. Okay. It's fine.
Uh, I got, I got
so much feedback from the pleasure Dom episode where lots
of people really did not agree with me
that I think I'm trying to like preempt it for this .
I know, I know that won't work, but I'm gonna try anyway.
Okay. So the expression, it comes in one or two ways.
Mm-Hmm. , submissives have all the power
submissives really have all the control.
Some iteration of that. Okay.
Um, we both used to say it wholeheartedly,
like that's what we said.
That's what we believed. Mm-Hmm. .
I, it's not that I don't believe that submissives have power
or control.
I no longer feel the same way about
that phrase as I once did.
And so how do you feel about
- That phrase?
Yeah. Um, there, there was a time
I wholeheartedly believed in it.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
And over time,
that has now been changing
and I do not, um,
jump on that bandwagon as easily.
- It doesn't feel right anymore.
Like there's, it leaves out so much nuance. Mm-Hmm.
. And it is like an incomplete thought that,
and when I, when I hear it, when I see it,
I just kinda go, okay, . Yeah.
- Well, you know, and when I first came into the lifestyle,
and I, and I heard that
and I was like, yeah, okay, that makes a lot of sense.
You know, that it's up to the submissive, whether they want
to, you know, submit.
Um, it's up to them.
They, you know, if they want to consent to anything,
they can, you know, withdraw consent at any time.
They can safe word at any point. So, you know. Yeah.
I pretty much, you know, I was like, yeah, that,
that sounds about right.
Mm-Hmm. . But, um, now
many years later, that thought
process has, has shifted. Mm-Hmm.
- it doesn't feel like a complete thought when
I, when I hear it or read it anymore,
because it's like the whole point of power exchange.
The exchange of power. Mm-Hmm.
is that both sides
of the slash have some level of control
and some level of power.
Now, when I first heard it,
and I, I will not speak for all submissives
to find comfort in this or, or agree with this,
but I know, especially looking back, understanding
what I understand today, when I first heard that, read it,
whatever was told that it was a huge source of comfort.
Because as much as I sort of, I didn't have a lot of like,
weird feelings about figuring out I was submissive,
there's still fear there.
Mm-Hmm. , like as a submissive who doesn't know
what the fuck's going on and what you're doing yet, and who,
and, and if you've heard, uh, any horror stories,
there's this, oh, oh my gosh, I'm giving up control
to this other human being.
I'm letting them have power over me.
Am I going to make myself a victim that way?
Am I putting myself in harm's way and let us be real?
You can do that in any relationship, type in any flavor.
Mm-Hmm. , we certainly, um, hear the, the
horror stories from submissives
who have found themselves in that situation.
And so I always sort of saw it as a comforting thing
as a reminder that mm-Hmm, ,
I have more control of this situation than I think I do.
Um, and it was a source of comfort.
And I'm, I have no doubt you can go back
to the first few years of the podcast
and we've, we probably said it a few times Mm-Hmm.
as a way, I think to remind submissives
that they are not, um, they do not lack power.
They do not lack control.
This is in their control to a certain extent,
but it just doesn't serve anymore
because it leaves it, the implication
of submissives have all of the power.
Mm-Hmm. then becomes, you know,
semicolon dominance have none of the power.
And then what even is the point if doms have no
- Power?
And, and that what you just said right there is, is now
the whole thinking behind how inaccurate
that statement really is.
Mm-Hmm. , because several people now said it
in, in the, in the, um, live chat.
It is a power exchange.
- Right. Both people have power.
- If, if one person has all the power,
- Then it's not an - Exchange.
It's not an exchange, it's an imbalance. Right.
For it to work the way it is meant
to work in a power exchange, both people have
to have equally have power.
- Yes. And the other thing is, is,
and then rah rah points this out in the live chat,
and this is completely true.
It's a reminder that, oh,
the submissive can withdraw consent at any point.
The submissive can can safe word,
the submissive can stop everything.
Right. And, and I think that especially newer submissives
and certainly newer doms need to be reminded of that
until they like internalize that, I guess.
But it also leaves out the,
but doms can already do that as well.
That's the whole part of, part of consent
and the exchange in it.
Is that right? What a submissive can do, a dom can do
in the relationship part.
Maybe not in the roles
what a dom can do, a submissive can do.
- 'cause I, I have just as much Right.
To consent or withdraw consent Right. As anybody.
- Absolutely. Absolutely. And I, you know, it's one
of those things that I think that when a person new to kink
or not thinks about it for just a little bit, you go, well,
of course the dom can withdraw consent.
I think it's a little bit of this idea that people don't
think the dom will ever need a reminder of that.
Mm-Hmm. . And
to an extent I kind of agree with that.
Are there situations where Dom gets caught up
and kind of thinks that they have to keep going along to
preserve the relationship or
whatever, whatever of, of course.
But in general, because the dom typically controls the
scene, controls the moment, it's, I think like
for most people quote a air quote a given
that if they don't want it to continue,
it just won't continue.
But doms are people you, you're humans.
And there have absolutely been times where
you've gone a little farther.
Not in terms of limits and boundaries,
but like, I think there are times
that you would have stopped if left completely
to your own devices and you were like thinking rationally,
but you wanted me
to have the pleasure, have the moment, whatever.
And not in a harmful way,
but you've absolutely like gone a little bit longer
and not just immediately withdrawing your consent
'cause you're the dom and you can do what you want
because you wanted me to have a thing I wanted, you know?
Mm-Hmm. . That's, I think a
very human thing as well.
So, you know, it's not that every dom is like a robot
and the moment they're like done, it all stops.
And so they don't need the reminder
that they can withdraw their consent.
Quite frankly, we spend a lot of time reminding folks
that doms get to have safe words too.
Mm-Hmm. . Does a dom use a safe word
as often as a submissive?
Maybe not. Probably.
No, because again, if you're in control of the scene,
you can stop the scene.
Right. Just 'cause you decide to stop.
But there are times when in,
when you're both engaged in an activity Mm-Hmm.
, the stopping of it, the thing
that causes everything to stop is the safe
word, regardless of who it comes from.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . So the
extension of, well, subs have all the power
because they can withdraw consent
and they can use their safe word.
Right. It when you say that, you as the general, you,
not you specifically.
Mm-Hmm. , when that is said, it,
it in a weird way implies the dom doesn't have any of that.
And that is one of my Yeah. Problems to
- Think with it.
I, I, I have stopped our scenes a number of times. Mm-Hmm.
. Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. , when I, I did
not get a response from you like I should have.
Mm-Hmm. . Alright.
So, you know, um, did I actually use a safe word?
No. I just stopped the scene.
- Right. You observed the control
that I already had to just make it
- Stop.
Right. So, you know, and,
and have I used a safe word between us a couple a few times.
Yes, sure. You know, but, you know, yeah.
I, if I see something
that is not right, I'm gonna call the scene. Sure,
- Sure.
- You know, re regardless. So, you know, yeah.
There, there is definitely an equal balance of power
- In that sense.
Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah.
I think I had a thought
and it just sounded to flitter away holy
- Shit, it when that happens.
- Uh, yeah. Yeah. , same .
Um, so I think that that expression is a source
of comfort for new submissives.
Mm-Hmm. , ah, this is the thing,
this is the thing I was thinking.
I think it, it sugarcoats a thing,
or maybe it doesn't sugarcoat.
Maybe it, it says a thing that I, there are people out there
with that would go, that is fundamentally untrue.
And here's what I mean real quick.
Consider this a content warning for a very brief mention
of the idea of abuse.
Skip ahead by five minutes if, or,
or mute for a few minutes, or whatever you gotta do if that.
You don't wanna hear that. Let us be fucking for real. Okay.
Uh, in an abusive situation. Mm-Hmm.
, a submissive can call their safe word
and withdraw their consent and nothing's gonna all
the fuck all they fucking want.
- Right. And it's not gonna stop anything.
- And if that motherfucker's abusive,
they're not listening, they don't give a fuck.
Mm-Hmm. . So at that point,
a human being in an abusive situation like loses control
and power because the other person's not respecting it.
You have power, whether you're the dom
and you're in this power exchange,
or you are submissive who can withdraw their consent
and say for it out and stop everything.
You have that control and power
because the other person respects your humanity
and respects your consent.
It's the only reason you fucking have it.
So there's a part of me,
and I would not want to completely eradicate this line
of thinking for this,
but I think that it, it, it's one of those things
that it's a little naive sometimes
because the very, you know, real
thing is that doms and subs alike,
but we often talk to, uh, to submissives about red flags.
Mm-Hmm. Submissives can find themselves
in an abusive situation.
And because of the power that Dom has taken
or they've granted and tried to withdraw,
but the person's not listening, you know,
some seriously bad fucking shit can happen.
And I'm pretty sure a person who's found themselves in
that situation did not feel like they actually had power,
or that their power was being respected.
And if a person does, is abusive
and isn't gonna respect it anyway,
then it's a meaningless statement.
You know, you have power because the other person,
and I don't care if we're talking about power exchange,
we're talking about consent.
You have that because the other person respects that.
Should all people respect that
of fucking course, they should.
Most people do.
It doesn't take that many to fuck it up for all of us.
And so you have to be aware that, you know, it's sort
of like, and to a lesser extent, maybe, maybe maybe
to the same extent, I still don't like to call abusive
doms doms.
Right. To me, they're air quote doms.
'cause that's not what I would consider a real dom.
However, I have absolutely lurked on enough conversations
in community spaces where people are like,
they are dominance.
They negotiated a power exchange
and then they abused their power.
They're abusive. So when we say that's not a real dom work,
you know, people have made the point.
And I, I can see that point where you're erasing the fact
that no, no, no, these these people are
engaging in power change badly criminally.
Yeah. So instead of saying, oh, those aren't doms,
those are abusers, they're abusive.
Doms is what they are. Mm-Hmm. .
And those people exist. Right.
And I, you know, I don't want,
I don't want everybody walking around scared,
but I do think we have to have our eyes wide open.
I mean, we've just spent too many episodes,
too much content, too much time talking about red flags
of doms specifically
because a red flag carrying Dom becomes an abusive dom
sometimes with almost no thought
and without even lifting a fucking finger
because of the power exchange.
Mm-Hmm. and I just submissives have more power
and control than they realize.
I think that is the statement.
But to say, well, you have all the power and control.
I'm like, talk to somebody who's been in, in the,
the violent situation, in the scary situation.
Pretty sure that's not what they were feeling at the moment.
I don't wanna speak for anybody,
but, you know, it's a blanket statement with no nuance.
And that's my problem with the statement. Hmm.
That ultimately is my problem with the
- Statement.
Yeah. And, and I think, you know, a a lot
of things are slowly coming that way,
you know, that they don't, uh, cover the nuance.
And I, I absolutely agree.
Um, you know, it, it was mentioned in, in,
in the chat earlier on, and, and this is,
and it makes absolutely sense, same, same way as, um,
you know, when I first came into lifestyle,
safe, sane, consensual. Sure.
- And you and I still kind of use that, but we Mm-Hmm.
, we add nuance to it.
We use it amongst each other as shorthand. Mm-Hmm.
. But we do not tell people anymore
safe saying consensual.
Yeah. We add the nuance to it. Yeah. You know,
- So, you know, e even even that has kind of, you know,
phased out, so to speak.
- It's phasing. I think it's, this is actively happening
because quite frankly, there will always be people
who either are not online enough
or who are doing their own thing at home
and not going to com out in the community a lot,
who they learned it a certain way 20, 30 years ago,
and they'll just keep doing it that way
until they're gone from this earthly plane.
Right. So it's, it's a, it's happening actively,
I think online, the people who are engaging in
BDSM discussion and Mm-Hmm.
the life and whatever they want
to in good faith, those people online,
it's phasing out there.
I think community wise,
it depends on the community, it depends on how Sure.
Um, how much new information comes into that community.
Mm-Hmm. , how much new blood
comes into that community.
We have absolutely gone to community events where you at,
in your early sixties, you're like, well, shit,
I just brought the average age
of this room down by a few years.
those folks
and see older people can absolutely, like, change
with the times and learn new shit.
But have y'all ever been kink or
otherwise in a group of older people
who were not about changing?
Yeah. You feel it, like, it doesn't take long.
You have one conversation and you're like, uh oh, okay.
We're you're still in like the 1980s. Okay. Okay. .
- Okay. - Sure. Um, and so I, you know, yeah.
I don't, I don't wanna Pollyanna
and gloss over the fact that while yes,
these things are changing Mm-Hmm.
, there are plenty of people
who hadn't gotten there yet.
- True. True, true, - True.
And so you still hear these things
and they're still gonna crop up and Mm-Hmm.
, you know, I think it's good to kind of know
where people come from, but also,
- And, and I think the, the difficult part in this too, um,
you know, whether it, it's, it's safe
and consensual, whether it's risk aware, consensual, kink,
you know, talking about rack or,
or any of those, you know, no matter what you use,
you know, even to say submissive,
hold all the power, you know?
No. No matter how you title it, there's always,
you're never going to be able
to encompass all the nuance of everything. Of
- Course not.
Of course not. No, no, I agree.
- So, you know, that that is something that's difficult too.
- And I, I think that's where,
but I think, I think there's a balance, right?
Mm-Hmm. , I think a blanket statement like
submissives have all the power,
if it provides somebody comfort in their early days
of submission to know, wait, I'm not powerless here.
Do you have control? Yeah.
I'm not, I'm not gonna like say it should never be said ever
again if it provides that.
I just think that the conversation shouldn't end there.
But we live in an online world
where people read the headline.
They don't even read the subhead, let alone the article.
You know what I mean? True, true, true.
So it's like, okay, if I,
but I can add three words to that,
maybe not three I haven't counted Mm-Hmm.
and make it more
nuanced and make it mean something.
Submissives have the power
to revoke their consent at any point.
That was more than three words, but you know what I mean.
, like, you shifted a little bit. Mm-Hmm.
. And it's still not all of the nuance.
Of course not. But it is
what we mean when we say submissives have all the power.
I think most of us mean if somebody means something
different, I'm gonna need you to share.
Because everything I've read, I, everybody goes back to,
well, submissives can decide
that they're not gonna do this anymore.
Submissives are the ones
that grant the other person control.
And I used to say that too, and it's true,
but the dom consents to take the control.
How many times have we told somebody,
you can't make somebody dumb you who doesn't wanna dumb you?
That's . So grant that submission all you like,
but if they don't take it in their
- Hands, you can lead a horse to
water and you can't make 'em drink.
Right. You can lead a dominant to a submissive,
but you can't make 'em dumb. If they don't
- Wanna do it, they're not gonna do it.
Just like the, again, newbie subs need to be reminded.
Sometimes if you don't wanna submit to that person,
you don't have to, you know, it's, it goes back
to all the conversations we have to have about, you know,
I'm a sub, not your sub.
Like, look, big D want to b fucking doms.
Don't walk into a space online or in person
and expect a submissive to bow down to you
because you call yourself a dom.
That's not how this works. Right? Yeah.
So if that works there, it works in reverse. Yeah.
- Right. Yeah.
- I just, I, and I feel bad that that a phrase
that meant something to me years ago,
and that I know even to this day means something to people.
Every time I hear it
or every time I read it, I just, I just, it's a cringe.
It's like, no, that's not quite right.
- And see that, that to me shows an element
of growth, um, an element of having
learned Mm-Hmm.
and continuing to learn as, as you grow in,
in the lifestyle and, you know, are open to new things.
You know, it, it gets me sometimes when
I hear people, well, you know, that's not how it used to be.
This is how it would, you know, there,
there was a time in in lifestyle,
this is how things were done.
And, and, and, you know, we didn't deviate from that.
Yeah. Okay, good.
But you know, what, where is the, um,
where's growth coming from?
If everything stayed the same, it, it,
it's gonna be stagnant and eventually it's just going to,
and, you know, go the way the dinosaur, everything is fluid
and it is going to change
and evolve with each new generation that enters in.
- And here's the thing, when things stay the same
and do not change and evolve,
it usually benefits some power structure.
Yeah. It benefits the type of dom who, who, who is
of that thought school of thought, where I say it,
I get it, I want it.
Mm-Hmm. it is given to me.
We, I think most of us recognize that outside
of very narrowly negotiated power exchanges,
where both partners understand
what the fuck they're getting into
and they have mechanisms to get out of it.
Mm-Hmm. that in general, that line
of thinking is usually just toxic.
It's an abusive power.
But there was absolutely a fucking time.
And there are definitely still people out
there who follow that.
And that's the thing, the moment we actually start
talking about and remind,
and we've been doing this for years, this is not new Mm-Hmm.
talking about, Hey, don't, you know,
have a lot more power than you're acting like they do
the power structures that be
that benefit from a submissive thinking that they just have
to do whatever they're, you know, Dom tells 'em to Mm-Hmm.
, they're the ones that are losing out,
because what if those submissives would not fucking
choose to follow them?
You know what I mean? Right. Like, I think it's,
I I don't think that's a huge part of it.
I think that's a very small nuance there.
A subtlety that does not, you know,
is not impactful to everybody.
But every time I think about the people in the world to go,
I want things to go back to the way they were.
I'm like, do you , do you wanna go back
to a time when, you know,
certain people didn't have all the rights
that they even do now?
Yeah. Like, it's, it's almost always when somebody says,
you know, these things shouldn't change.
We should go back to the old way of doing it.
There's always a, a, a, somebody who benefits from that
and they don't think they benefit from the new way.
They think they've lost power in some way when
what they've got is that people are like, actually no, I get
to tell you to fuck off is what I get to do.
. You know what I mean?
- . - So I'm just, I'm pointing that out there.
- Yeah. Yeah. So,
so I don't know.
It's, um, you know, it's, it's interesting,
- You know, and you know what, here's,
here's another thing I'm, I'm thinking about why this.
I, I don't, I won't close so far to say it gives me the ick,
but it's close to give the
expression, it's close to giving me the
- Ick. Okay.
- It sounds like a truism. - Mm.
- It's not quite one true way unless you dig your heels in
and go, oh, no, that's always true.
And I won't even entertain your
objections to the expression.
It sounds like it's a truism that's like supposed
to be a blanket thing, right?
Mm-Hmm. , nothing in kink is a blanket thing
other than fucking consent
and the need for communication, right? Like,
- Well, you, you, you have your, your, your foundation,
you know, which is consent.
Consent, you know, trust,
respect and communication.
That is your, that is your
- Foundation for kink
or any relationship really be it should be,
should be, should be.
But that's my point. When you go, well,
submissives have all of the power.
Not only have we taken the new ones out. Mm-Hmm.
, it's a de declaration.
There was a way I wanted to say that
and was gonna come out wrong, ,
it's a declaration of what is supposedly true
that everybody just knows is true.
That is like skirting the line of one true way. Mm-Hmm.
, it's not quite there
because it's not saying, you know, you have
to believe this like you the submissive,
but it, it's like right on that line for me.
And that's, that is not, I'm, I'm just not a fan.
Once we like suck all the nuance out of a thing
because very little in life follows the
declarative statement, .
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. .
It just doesn't work that way. Yeah.
Now I do, I'm gonna go back to the thing I said at the top.
That statement has given a lot of people comfort.
Sure. That they are not powerless. Mm-Hmm. .
And for even doms that they're not abusing someone.
And the thing is, is early days in your kink life,
if you are having those worries, oh my God,
as a dom, am I abusing this person?
Oh my God, is this submissive? Am I
allowing myself to be abused?
Right. In a consensual relationship, if, if you need
a sort of no nuance blanket statement
to feel more comfortable about what you're doing,
I would not necessarily take that away from somebody
because those fears will hold people back.
But it's, it's sort of the, is sort
of like when you're learning to read,
you just see big letters everywhere.
The big A and then you learn
that actually an A can have like 85 sounds or something.
Right? Like it's at the more you learn, um,
the more nuanced you can add to it.
It's just, I think it's one of those things
where people hear it
and it gets said often at the beginning
of somebody's kink journey.
And then nobody ever goes back and is like,
but actually , uh, now that you don't need
that comfort anymore.
, let's talk about this a little bit.
You know? Yeah. You know, I,
'cause in the years since we've been not doing kink,
but doing the podcast, I've seen things change
and I just don't spend enough time on online kink spaces
to see these changes firsthand.
So if a change trickles down to me, it's a pretty,
to me, a pretty massive change.
Mm-Hmm. . And one of those things is
talking about, you know,
not treating a dom like a kink dispenser.
And quite frankly, the first conversations I ever saw about
that were female led relationships.
Mm-Hmm. with female doms being
treated like kink dispensers.
'cause typically a male sub would just rock up
and be like, here's my list of demands.
You know? And that's where I saw the conversation start,
which makes complete sense to me.
And then I've seen it evolve over time.
'cause it happens to all people
of all genders who happen to be dumb.
There will be somebody who's like, oh, I want you to dom me,
but here I don't care what you want.
Here's what I want. Right. Here's,
- Here's my list of, uh, requirements. Yeah.
- And this, you know, maybe it's only obvious
to me, I hope somebody's following my train
of thought and can see the connections.
These two things are kind of related to me.
The more we go, Hey, wait, Adam Dom is not a kink dispenser.
Right. Just like we have, we've spent all of our time
and all these years warning submissives away from the abuse
of doms here, look for these red flags.
Run, get the fuck out when you see this
or when this happens, whatever.
Mm-Hmm. . That's not, that's not
how dominance is supposed to be, but Right.
There's also, you know, so then a statement like,
submissives have all the power can offer comfort,
but what a statement like submissives have all the power
miss is Well, if you have all the power,
then now your dom is just a kink dispenser.
Yeah. That is all they are. Mm-Hmm. .
And that, and that's not right either. That's
- Not right either. No,
- Exactly.
And I think that's the other thing. When you make a
declarative statement like that, it's like, okay,
well let's, let's take this to its logical conclusion.
If this point A is true, what does
that mean about point B, C, D, D?
- 'cause I, I, I am not a Pez dispenser.
- I mean, I could, I could find
that sexy if you like to .
I mean, I, I know, I know which button to push to. Oh.
To get the treat to come out. Oh
- Goodness.
- Okay. . I'm here for that.
I don't like role play, but
hope some dip it in sugar.
I I will, I will treat it like a, a PEs dispenser .
That is completely off topic.
But we've been getting our fuckery on for the past few days.
So, sorry. I'm, I'm an adult grown ass woman with a, it's
- All in books you're reading.
- Yeah. Oversexed, uh, 18-year-old and my head.
Sorry. .
So, yeah.
And, you know, in the, the live chat, uh, on YouTube.
Mm-Hmm. rah rah especially
'cause Rah started out going,
I have thoughts about this statement as well.
She's been pointing out other blanket statements that Sure.
You know, are just not true as well.
And one that kind of in a weird way
is like the other side of the coin
of submissives have all the powers.
Mm-Hmm. submission is a gift. Yeah.
And I actually have not paid any attention to the discourse
of, well, if it's a gift, you can't take gifts back.
I get that thinking. But in and, and why that? Is it a gift?
I don't know. Is my submission my gift to you?
Because I give it to you? Mm-Hmm.
it feels like a gift
because it makes me, I think a better human being.
It makes our relationship something.
It couldn't be without it.
- Ergo then my dominance would be a gift to
- You.
And that's the thing that gets left out.
But also, if missiles have all power, then
how is submission a gift?
Right. Yeah. I'm not giving you anything.
I have all the power. I've taken all the power.
So what the fuck am I giving you?
I mean, permission to look upon my presence.
I just feel like that's not very submissive of me. .
No. And that's personal opinion.
That don't make me feel submissive at all. Okay.
does the sassy part of me kind
of like find that humor?
Sure. But the submissive part of me is not,
I'm not getting any of those buttons hit at all.
. I'm saying .
Um, but it also feels like they're incongruent.
You know? But that's where we come back to truisms.
'cause they don't have nuance. And people will absolutely
say, on the one hand, submiss have all the power
and then go, but submission as a gift,
which is it picked Mm-Hmm.
. Because those don't go together.
- Yeah. - And then, like you said,
why do we say submission is a gift,
but dominance isn't, they're both gifts to each other.
We can revoke them. So I guess in
the literal sense, they're gifts.
Right. But I have taken a gift back.
If you don't use it well
and you hide it in your closet, give it back to me.
It's fine. Okay. .
Now that could just be my neuro spicy bitchiness.
Like, I just don't see the point. Right. ,
- That's, that's a Scorpio bitch of
- Hell talking.
I mean, I get, I get the thinking behind weight.
If this is what a gift is, then you know, you don't,
you don't take away gift, treat it badly.
Hide it in the closet. I'll take it back. It's fine.
It's, you think I have not taken a gift back. I'm so sorry.
You must be new here.
And you haven't been paying attention, .
But I, I do get the thinking.
I'm not, I'm not trying to play down the thinking
of Yeah, yeah.
You know, to say submission is a gift implies
that it cannot be taken back.
And so therefore that implies
that you cannot withdraw consent.
And of course you can, you can. Yeah.
I just find, I, I'm just fascinated by how mm-Hmm.
, it's a gift. But also you have all the power.
I, I feel like, I feel like
that's an identity crisis waiting
to happen. . Oh God.
- Yeah. Yeah,
- Yeah.
And uh, Cody says in live chat, dominance
and submission are privileges.
And that is, that is a fact. I
- I think that is closer to - It.
'cause nobody is owed, you are not owed my submission.
I'm not owed your dominance.
- You earn it from you earn it, you earn each other other,
it's not something you say, oh, I'm a dominant,
I deserve your submission.
- Believe me, there are those who there put that way.
They, they ly doesn't they fucking suck. doesn't,
- Doesn't mean it's Right. True.
- I I just, I like to point that out
because it shouldn't be that way.
But those people exist
and then what happens is a little,
little baby sub finds them
and it's like, is this what dominance is?
Yeah. I mean, sadly sometimes,
but that doesn't make it good power exchange.
It doesn't make it healthy power exchange.
I mean, you know,
and when you have that a do with that kind of attitude,
let me go to that, that little subbie, do you,
you feel like you have all the power in
that situation? Probably not. No.
- I mean, not at all. Right.
And, and again, you know, it's like,
it's like anything else.
There has to be balance. Mm-Hmm.
- . And it's a constant, like,
I don't wanna say struggle, but it's a constant
push and pull to find the balance.
Sure. 'cause some days I need you
to be more dominant Mm-Hmm.
and take more control.
And some days you're like, actually I, I've got a base level
of dominance you're gonna get Mm-Hmm.
. But I, you know what I mean? Yeah.
And sometimes you need me to be more submissive
and sometimes I'm like, I love you so much,
- , - But also Mm-Hmm.
You know, and it's not about not wanting
to be in the power exchange, or they're not being a
power exchange or not Mm-Hmm.
, you know, caring about each other.
It's about what you have to give.
It goes back to the episode where we were talking about,
you know, our relationship's really
50 50 or whatever, whatever.
It's that it's that kind of natural push and
- Pull.
Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. And I mean, it's not, not even
that sometimes, you know, there, there are days,
you know, I may be able to give 80%.
Right. You know, then there are days I may only have 30%
to give you, you know, it, it's never Sure.
- And just, and we kind of touched on it in that episode,
but a lot of people say it a lot now
and they said it during that episode, if all you have is 30%
and you give 30%, you gave your a hundred percent.
Mm-Hmm. a hundred percent
just didn't look the same.
Right. As did the day before. Yeah.
So I feel like we've gotten really off track.
I really feel like I needed this episode
to have a good 20 minutes to just bitch about
that expression.
. I not like a genuinely angry rep,
because again, I think that
that expression comes from a well-meaning place.
Yeah. I think
that it has absolutely been useful in providing comfort
to people who need it, who worry about
what the fuck they're doing.
Mm-Hmm. . Because we all
have to start from somewhere.
And when you start with the basics of something, 90%
of the time there's no fucking nuance.
There's no details. It's just, I need, I need to kind
of get my arms around what the fuck this means.
And if Dom
or sub is worried about, oh my God, what does it mean
that I'm submitting?
What am I getting myself into?
What kind of danger am I walking into?
Am I, you know, causing harm?
Or am I putting myself in harm's way? Mm-Hmm.
having the, the comfort
of a simple statement like that can be the thing
that allows a person to move forward.
I just think we can't stay there.
And I think there just needs to be more conversation beyond
- That.
That is no different than coming into the lifestyle
as a new person and saying,
okay, um, this title fits me and that title fits me
and that explains who I am.
And then four
or five years down the road in the lifestyle, oh wait, none
of these titles work for me anymore.
I'm simply a person
- In a power exchange.
Right. You know, or I'm not this label,
but this label fits better.
Or that thing that I thought I would never want to try,
never wanna do, never let near me.
Oh. mm-Hmm. Actually, right.
It's this thing that I, I feel Dr. Mm-Hmm.
You know, drawn to. And that's part of it
because you, in the early stages,
you learn the basics of the basics.
You, you barely know anything,
but you know enough to move forward.
And that's all you need is enough to move forward,
hopefully in a risk aware way.
Yeah. Um, and it's, as you grow
and learn that then you can take on the nuance.
What, and this is a human thing.
This is not just a kink thing,
although we, we see it a lot in kink.
It's 'cause it's a humanity thing.
holding onto those truisms
as if there is always a black and white answer, a yes
or no, a binary of this is right or this is wrong.
That is a very human thing to do with it. True.
We need to rise above our base selves.
And here's the thing, and that's why
people will hold onto that.
Sometimes nobody likes change. No.
And especially if that change comes from
what you believe to be true.
That you wrapped around yourself for comfort
and your identity in the early days.
And now Mm-Hmm. somebody is telling you, well
actually that's not quite right.
Even if that's accurate. Mm-Hmm.
it feels like an attack.
It feels very personal. Yeah. Again, I get why it happens.
Right. But we have to constantly try to, you know,
be better than our most base selves.
Mm-Hmm. , that's just Mm-Hmm. .
Yeah. That's just how that seems to work. It does.
Um, and I just think if you are a person who is capable
of learning 85 new ways to do the same kink that you love,
then you are a person who is capable
of looking at something you learned on day one
of your kink life and going, well actually yeah, we can add,
we can, we can tweak that, that that doesn't fit anymore.
That doesn't suit, there's a better way to say it.
Or, oh, let me think about this more deeply.
Like, come on y'all, it . Mm-Hmm. .
It's the same skill just done in a different way. Yeah.
I think it's, it is uncomfortable
for some people because you're right.
Change. I don't like change y'all. Mm-Hmm. .
Y'all will just send myself into a tizzy
and need to be in the bed clutching pearls.
I hate change so much ,
but also .
But also I want to be the best version.
And especially in our kink relationship, I'm more in tune
with that, with maybe any other part of my life.
Um, I wanna be the best version of myself. I can be.
It does help that we do this for a living.
We think about these concepts for a living. Right.
Most like typical kink people are not thinking this deeply
all of the fucking time.
Um, and there will always be a part of humanity
that wants the simplest answer
and is not comfortable with an answer that is, it depends
or, well, not quite.
Or actually, let me add some nuance to this.
And so then you will continue to have people who, you know,
are gonna keep saying it
and we'll defend it with, with everything they have.
And lemme go back to the thing I said at the top.
If this statement means something to you
and you, it provides comfort, it feels right to you.
I'm not here to take that away from you.
'cause I can't, this is a Come on y'all.
That's not how this works. I'm not the kink police would not
want that job, by the way.
Um, but I do think
that it is worth thinking about these things.
Think about the thing you don't agree with so
that you can explain to
yourself why you don't agree with it.
What might happen is you might change
your mind and that's okay too.
Changing your mind is not a
sign of weaknesses, .
It is actually a sign of strength and growth. Right? Yeah.
You learn, learn more.
You can do better, you know, more you can, you know,
you can grow this whole, I mean,
we did the episode about this being a journey or a path
and yes, we all kind of gagged at the cliche,
but it is fucking true.
But you have to be open to that.
You have to be open to change. You
have to be open to growth.
Absolutely. And I think if you are gonna,
and I think I this, I've try to do this for myself.
I'm imperfect at it because I'm a, I'm a people too. Mm-Hmm.
. Um, if I believe a thing
that other people disagree with,
and I believe it's staunchly
and I'm not changing my mind, all I'm gonna do is go, okay,
why do I believe this was staunchly and for myself?
What are my rationalizations?
And if you can do that, if you can look at the other side
of an argument and go, yeah, I
still reject it and here's why.
And justify it to yourself. You don't justify it to me.
You don't have to justify it to JB you.
Please do not try to justify it to the online commenters
on a place like a Twitter
or a Reddit or Oh, Jesus Christ.
But doggy. I mean, you can if you want to.
I don't, I don't like that kind of stress in my life,
but sounds like personal hell to me.
. I just, you know, I think we get stronger in our
beliefs when we can look at the other side of them.
Mm-Hmm. and go, okay, I still disagree,
but you know, here's why I feel that way.
Yeah. Yep. But I also think there are some sentiments.
It's okay if we put to the wayside,
you're not betraying your earlier kink self.
You're not betraying other kinky people by going Yeah.
That maybe that's imperfect
and that's not quite right anymore.
Mm-Hmm. .
So I'm just, I don't know.
Police are gonna take you away. No, no, no, no.
no, nope, nope,
nope, nope.
Maybe one day you can put out an air quote album
of all the ways you want to kink up music
and just sing your little concert
and your little microphone by yourself.
I'll have to be not just in another room,
in another building, probably
in another town when you do that.
But if it makes you happy, I support it. Okay.
Um, could I just keep saying the same thing 85 times
in a row and go round and round?
Sure. Sure. I think that the expression submissives
of all the power is incomplete.
It does a disservice to what power exchange is. Correct.
I think that it serves a purpose until it does it. Mm-Hmm.
. And I think that it, what a person is trying
to say when they say that is just more
nuanced than what they're actually saying.
'cause when you say one thing, it's like, okay,
but what are, aren't you saying, what are you
implying when you say that?
I mean, I can get myself riled back up
over the pleasure dom thing.
'cause that's it too. When you say,
when you call something this, the implication is
that other things are not that.
Mm-Hmm. . Right. So if submissives have all the
power doms have none.
That doesn't make any fucking sense.
- I, I like what, uh, rah just put out there in chat.
It's the council of kink elders to police everyone.
.
- I don't think I'm qualified to be on that council.
- I mean, I could, but I don't want no part of it. I know
- I could be the, the gesture, the court gesture
for the council speak truth to power,
but, you know, do it in a sassy way much like I do now.
- .
- Okay.
Um, okay.
I think I've made my point.
Is there anything you would want to add?
- No, I I think we've, uh,
pretty much summed this all up. Okay.
- I will, I'll give it a, a few days.
We'll see how many, um, angry, annoyed,
and like desperate to be understood,
which I respect. Mm-Hmm.
- . Or maybe we'll find that more people
agree with us than, uh,
- Not, here's the thing.
I I always find it weird when it,
it does feel like most people agree with us.
I'm like, oh, wait. Oh, okay.
What I think is, is that when
people disagree with us Mm-Hmm.
typically they don't disagree so hard
that it hurt that like they're bothered by it.
Yeah. That every once in a while I'll find a topic
where people really don't like not agreeing with us
- .
- And I, I just, I just wanna say I'm not making light
of the fact that you dis if you disagree with us,
it is your right to disagree with us.
But you don't have to convince me of why.
You know, your, the way you see it is the way you see it.
Yeah. It's fine. Mm-Hmm. . It's fine.
Um, yeah.
So I guess we can do, um, bonus section.
What were words? I lost them.
I was so, I, I kept all the words for the topic.
Done with the topic. Lost all the words.
So I guess we can do a bonus section. All right.
- So are we good ?
- We are chaotic. If nothing else,
- As always, as always.
- Mm-Hmm. - ,
- Keep the kinky off and we'll see you next week.
- Yes. Can - I talk to the crickets? Please.
- Ah, go ahead. ,
- Um, podcast listeners.
Uh, you, unless you venture over
and decide to look at the video, you can't tell.
I'm gonna say something to, to the YouTube folks
that I said at the top of this.
I'm gonna say it again. Mm-Hmm. .
Uh, and for a podcast listener who's like,
I'll go check out the YouTube, this particular
video does not look like it normally doesn't.
We know that. Yep.
And I hate every second of how bad it looks.
it stresses me out.
Um, but we had tech issues Yes.
That we'll have to spend time figuring out.
Mm-Hmm, . So we're, we're on our webcam.
. That really only is good quality when it's
like way close.
Close. 'cause that's how, yeah, that's what it meant.
But to get us both in frame cannot be
so, it's, it's fine.
It's fine. Um, did I pick this topic
so I could just fucking rant?
Not on purpose. Probably.
I think I thought I had more to say,
but really I just, I, to me it, to me it's simple.
Others might not think so. That's fine.
Um, excuse me, I have something,
because I do this now apparently almost every week.
Um, but
before I start doing that,
did you have anything you ha wanted
to talk about in the counter section?
No. I am reading a new series that I fucking love. Okay.
Where's my phone? I kept my phone by me
so I could actually tell people, oh, look, okay.
One of my prescriptions came through.
Uh, so I could actually tell people
what fucking series I'm reading.
Okay. The series is called the Emerald Lakes series.
What is this author's name? Britt. B-R-I-T-T. Andrews. Okay.
Uh, it's very magical.
We're living in a contemporary world, but magic exists.
We've got a witch and her multiple, uh, men.
Um, it's funny, it's sassy. It puns abound.
Um, the sex is hot. The magic is interesting.
Um, the series is complete.
So the book's doing on a
cliffhanger, but you got a whole series.
It's available in Kindle Unlimited. Okay. Yeah.
Here's one of the things that makes me
so happy about series.
So I have absolutely fallen into the why choose, um,
also still called reverse harem genre of smut.
Okay. Yes. Yes.
Give me the ability to ha
to read about somebody who doesn't have to fucking pick.
I'm not here for love triangles.
I'm not here for the s No, but here's what's been happening
and all the other why choose smut.
I've read lately in these universes,
I've read bear shifters.
I read Dystopian Future where there's only
so many women for men.
And well, I, and in, and these were multiple books series.
So over the course of 4, 5, 6 books, we are talking
30 plus men sometimes.
And somehow in those series
and in those universes, all the men were straight,
just always straight not a bisexual, pansexual,
whatever person among them.
And I just was like, but,
but none, none of 'em are into each other.
What in this one who there are
so many pairings of people
and openly, so this particular series,
the Emerald Lake series, um, two of the guys that, the guys,
most of the guys have been friends, like their whole life.
Two of the guys have like some complicated feelings
for one another 'cause trauma, but they are very
much power exchange.
Now, it's not always healthy power exchange
and it's not always Happy power exchange.
I have a podcast they could listen to.
Um, also, this is one
that did not sell itself to me
as being kinky, but it does have kink.
And it's like, I'm, I'm here for the kink lately.
That's the other thing I've been reading.
People are like, oh, this is really kinky.
He's really kinky. One did a buildup
of this character being super kinky.
You have to watch him. It was one of my why chooses,
and he basically gave her one command
and then that was it.
That was it. I was like,
I am not the target audience for this .
I'm just not. Because if you're gonna call yourself kinky
and oh, he's into, he needs control
and he needs power, blah, then you're gonna have
to show me the control and power.
If you think kinky and control
and power is a single command in five pages of fucking,
I am not the reader you were seeking is what I'm saying.
But yes, I'm here for the Emerald Blakes series.
Good. Is it perfect? Probably not.
I'm so into the story and,
and the sex definitely sex that my writer brain's not,
not thinking about how it's constructed.
There was one series I started reading
and I was like, this isn't bad.
This story's kind of good. But I kept going, oh, should the,
the author have written it that way?
. Oh, I would've said it this way.
And I went, I, I can't finish the series
because I'm not reading the story.
I'm thinking about how I think it needs
to be edited, rewritten.
That's not fair to that writer. We're not doing that.
So yeah, I'm just saying if you, if you, if you like
all the partners all in different, in different pairings
and not just pairings and, and trios and quartets
and all the body parts just bumping into one another.
Mm-Hmm. , I'm, and I already told you.
I'm like, and see, I can't tell you too much
because it would be,
it would accidentally give you all the spoilers.
So I'm just, I'm just saying it's why I choose.
She's a witch. She's plus size, like actual,
like the way she's drawn on the cover
and then the way she's described, I'm like another one
where I'm like, oh, I recognize that body type.
And uh, yeah. And they manhandle her.
They pick her up, they carry her.
She'll be like, um, are you sure you can handle this?
And they're like, shut. They say
it nicely, but like, shut up.
Yeah. We got this, you know?
And I'm like, yeah, I'm here for it.
So that's my enthusiasm for the week.
Uh, did I start book one on Sunday? Maybe Monday?
Mm-Hmm. . And it's Wednesday
and I'm on book three, .
I finished book two this morning before I got out of bed.
started book three before I got out of bed.
When I realized that we were dealing with the tech issue
and it was like a stop start.
I couldn't really like sink into any work thing and focus.
I went, oh, I guess I'll just read, uh,
halfway through.
- Well, I'm, well, I'm pulling the little hair I have out
over here and you're sitting there reading smut. Okay.
- I am reading about all the different ways all the
different characters are getting railed.
Yes. Yes. I and the angst
and the drama part, like the conflict
and the plot and all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Meanwhile, I'm suffering from tech angst.
- Yeah. But you're not suffering from blue balls .
And at this point, if you are, it is your own fault.
You're welcome. We've been frisky the past few days. Mm-Hmm.
, y'all, nothing will remind you
that you were not as young as you once were.
. . Okay. So was it Sunday night?
It was Sunday night, wasn't it? We had a, a long day Sunday.
We did a whole bunch of work. Right? That was Sunday.
We did that. Yeah. We'd
- Wash the cars.
We um,
- We wash the dog. We watched
- The dog, did some pressure washing around.
- This was all stuff that took some amount of movement
and some amount of energy.
Mm-Hmm. And by the end of the day, we were exhausted.
So somebody had him a little smokey smoke.
Somebody else had her a little gummy.
We were feeling no pain.
The gummies loosened my inhibition so much that I'm like,
I am, I'm down to whatever to fuck to whatever.
And I'm looser and it's great um, .
So we are kind of being all sweet
with one another on the couch.
And I am so that type of person that cannot verbalize
what I want, that I'm like, if I just keep pushing my ass in
his hand in a certain way, ,
hopefully he will get the point.
And then I realized, wait, he knows me so well.
He knows what the fuck I'm doing.
This is not, this is not a confusing thing to him.
But also he is in your own way,
very quietly reminding me who's in charge.
So I'm like pushing my ass into his
hand, like, touch me hair.
And he is like, actually, I guess I'll touch you over here
now, and I'm .
So then I settled down and went, okay, okay, okay.
He's in charge. He'll just do whatever.
Well, it could have just been a sweet moment on the
couch until we went to bed.
And I I was Did I,
did I flash all my junk at him?
Yes, I did. Uh, shamelessly.
And so then we got into like,
what's the word I want, like the sport of fuckery.
Like, it was very physical. We do our thing.
I'm not going into details. Some
of y'all really don't want that, and it's fine.
Mm-Hmm. We do our thing. We collapse.
And like right after midnight we're like,
oh my God, we're so tired.
We wake up Monday morning just a few hours later,
like, we're hung over.
Mm-Hmm. And we were physically like impaired.
The rest of the muscles hurt.
We were moving like real stiff,
- Popping, anti-inflammatory,
like , , .
- It was like, I mean, we could blame it on the work we did
outside, but I really, I really think it was,
it was the fuckery that pushed us over the edge.
Like I think we would've been tired the next day,
but I don't think we would've like been bent over double.
Like, I cannot physically move my body.
part of me wants to go, I'm too old for this shit,
but I refuse to ever be too old for this shit.
I will just take my sore body and live with it. .
And then we were so sore the next night
we kind of were feeling it.
And then we went, no, no
- .
Nope. No, nope. No, we need sleep. We
- Need sleep.
So then last night we didn't
'cause somebody wanted to sleep, huh?
But I did finally verbalize a little bit.
I was rewarded for using my words, saying, let
that be a lesson to any submissive who finds it hard
to verbalize what you want.
- You almost didn't get it
because you didn't listen to what I said to do.
- I don't even remember anymore.
- told you to get in bed
and you wouldn't get in bed.
You just sat there and whined. .
- I know because I
- You came real close, real goddamn close
to missing out on anything.
just for not doing what I said because
- I didn't think I was gonna get what I wanted.
. And I worried
if anybody wondered what it's like to have an anxious,
- Remember that, remember that thing that you say, just do
what Daddy says that you need to take that to heart. Look,
- I give great fucking advice.
. I don't listen to a word of it. Okay. .
It is right up there with, I'll say the things,
whatever needs to be said, and I'll mean every word
of them in this episode, in 10 minutes
after we stop recording, I will not remember a word I said.
I'm not actually listening to myself. Okay. .
I mean, I, it's one of those times I'm actually present.
And in the moment, in the moment
that I'm saying a thing, I'm listening to myself.
But after I've said it, it's gone. It's gone.
I need y'all to like, we have to record it
or I wouldn't know it existed.
And I need y'all to hold it in your memory banks,
which y'all, many of y'all do way better than I.
There'll be people who comment on something
that's like literal years old.
I know. And they're like, well,
I disagree with you because blah, blah, blah.
And I'm like, fuck, I don't even know what the fuck I said,
I'm gonna need y'all to, like, when you comment on old shit,
tell me the timestamp.
Like, go back and listen to what I said.
- , - Gosh,
contact sports.
That was the expression I was trying to think of earlier.
Thank you Cody for that. Um, yeah.
You know, it's not that I forget
that fuck kinky fuckery is can be very physical.
Mm-Hmm. obviously it can be very mental,
but like when we start playing, I'm, I'm working out here
and I just forget that until we're done.
And I'm like, oh my God, my muscles ache.
Why do my muscles ache? And I'm like, oh yeah. Oh yeah.
This is a contact sport. So
- What it comes down to, we should, we need to move more.
- Well, we've been saying that. We've been saying that.
Yeah. Uh, we have a handy dandy excuse
for why we don't, um, .
I'm not, it's, I think it's a, a valid excuse.
, but yeah.
No, it's, but we've been a lot chiller with one another.
Yeah. Definitely more relaxed. Yes. Mm-Hmm. .
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . We, uh,
had our annual checkup,
which we actually do every six months now
that we're both on like 85 fucking meds.
And we go in and we, we were tired still.
I think we were still recovering from
Sunday night, even though it was Tuesday.
And we didn't have much to say.
We really just wanted her to like refill our prescriptions.
Please. Yeah. Um, and she's like, so, you know,
and they, they take us together.
We are fricking frac. Mm-Hmm. .
If they see one, they're looking for the other.
It's weird to them, if I show up for an appointment
and I don't have him with me, whatever,
we're each other's emotional support spouse.
Our blood pressure is down when we're together.
Our heart rates are lower when we're together.
It's just, we're good for one another.
And so we're not saying a lot. And they're not asking a lot.
And they're like, okay, anything you wanna discuss?
We're like, no. Uh, how are your meds working? Eh, good.
Your numbers look good. Okay.
And the doc, the doctor and,
and her nurse, they were like, you're easy ones today.
And I'm like, that's not something people
would normally say about us.
Okay. . I didn't say that, but I was thinking loud.
It. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're just like, yeah, just can I just have my blood
pressure medicine and my happy pills.
Like I just, just don't stand in the way
of those medications. Please.
- Yeah. Yeah. But
- So, Hmm.
Yeah. Mm-Hmm. . It's hot in here. It is.
Is it me or is it the excitement?
Like we're all amped up or is it the room?
- I think it's you. - It's always me.
- Um, 'cause before we started I'd lowered the ac
- Did you?
I'm not feeling it. Yeah. I have finally
graduated in my perimenopause journey to the fan.
Next to the bed. . .
It is not on full blast, but that's
because I got one that labeled itself on the box, 30%
more Amplifi something, something, whatever the fuck.
I didn't care. Um, I put it on the, like the middle setting
and it set back like five or six feet from the bed.
And it's, I'm, um, I'm sleeping in a wind tunnel.
Um, I am not uncomfortable at night.
I think it needs to travel with me.
I think maybe I need to bring it in here
and for the summer, I might let, let's be real.
It gets hot in here. Um,
but I have not gotten used to having that la it's loud,
that loud fan as white noise.
Yet when I wake up, like middle of the night,
all I hear is a fan and I can't go back to
- Sleep.
Yeah. I'm, I'm grateful
because I take my bionics off when I go to sleep. His
- Hearing aids if y'all don't know.
- And, uh, I don't notice it.
- I know. And that was the thing I was checking.
He gets cold when I don't get cold
and he can't hear without his hearing aids .
So we put the, we tried one night, the fan on one spot,
and it blasted me in the face all night.
I did not mind, but it didn't get the rest of my body.
And it where it was, I was like, okay, can you hear it?
He's like, no, I can't fucking hear shit.
I'm like, okay, , you get cold real easy.
Can you feel it? He's like, no, you block it.
I'm like, okay. The next night I tried it in a different
spot and that was actually a better spot.
Got more of me. Um, and we had to go through the same thing.
I was like, okay, can you hear?
He's like, you know, I can't hear. I'm like, yeah,
I gotta check .
And I was like, can you feel it? Are you getting cold?
He's like, no, I'm good. I'm like, okay. Okay.
I, I need you to understand this
will probably be running in winter.
I'm just, I'm, I'm just
saying I'm in love with it.
It's loud as fuck. I'm ready for my brain to recognize it
as white noise in the middle of the night,
but Mm.
Yeah. Diaz Penn's, uh, talking about fans that go
around, that go around your neck.
I have seen those for me with
how I am about things with my neck.
I worry that would be a sensory nightmare. Yeah.
I would have to try it without buying it first to see, okay,
can I even handle something touching my neck like this?
Mm-Hmm. . But yeah, I am,
I'm always, I'm just, I walk around hot, just hot.
And now it's summer in Florida or it's not summer.
It's almost, it's spring in Florida and it's warm already.
And I just don't like it. I just don't like it.
Anyway. I've rambled as I as I usually
- Do. You do
- As I do.
Um, I, I I got nothing.
- No. I've been, uh, you know, me just been working. Mm-Hmm.
, you know, doing, doing all my shop stuff.
- I've been completely unable to focus for about two weeks.
And I'm way behind 'cause I can't focus.
- Mm-Hmm. . It's - Great. It's great.
- And, um, yeah, that's pretty much up.
That's pretty much it for me. Just working. Yeah.
- You have been working, you've been
bringing me all kinds of shit.
Mm-Hmm. creating more work for me. Yeah.
But I can't focus on anything. .
- I'll give you something to focus on. Mm-Hmm.
- Okay. I'm here for that. Yeah. You might not like it.
There is a point in time when I just like being the focus
of your attention, ,
I might dislike what is happening.
There's that, that sliver of me that's like, look,
he's paying attention to me.
I'm special. I is that sick and twisted.
We're fucking married. Yes. I know. Okay.
I like being the, and I'm, I'm using this word purposely.
I like being the object of desire. Mm-Hmm. .
That might be my exhibitionism.
That might be my need for external validation. I don't know.
It might be both. Um,
and sometimes even when I desperately don't want the
sensation or to think that you're annoyed with me,
I do like being the center of your focus.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. I like to know that all
of your attention is on me
until I don't like how it feels anymore.
, then I want it to stop. Or,
or if it's 'cause you're mad at me.
And I, and I'm, it's not a good girl moment.
. I don't like that one. Yeah.
I don't like that When you're, when you're bemused,
when you're not annoyed
and when you're amused you do all kinds of shit.
But when you're kind of bemused, you're like, okay,
okay, I'm gonna give you something.
But it's not what you're actually thinking you want asking.
Right, right, right. I that I still like being
the focus ,
uh, Diaz Bunny's asking about, um,
sending back packaging from the kry.
I'm glad you like your cane. That was a beautiful cane.
Um, and no, the um,
by the time all of this, the, your packaging, if you were
to send your packaging back to your recycle for us to be,
to reuse it, by the time it gets back
to us, it's so beat up.
I would never send it. 'cause the postal surface has
no respect for packaging.
I would probably not reuse it.
We try to use to use things that, not all of them,
but most of them can be recycled.
So like the, the brown paper that we wrap packages. Mm-Hmm.
up with that can be recycled.
The box can be recycled.
The, the tape, technically it's paper.
It should be, but it has a, a, uh, material in it.
So I'm not sure. And then
of course the bubble wrap, you can't recycle.
I know. But we try to make most
of our packaging like actually recyclable, so.
Yeah. Yeah.
If you, it's kind, if you were to send it back to us,
it would come back in such rough shape.
Mm-Hmm. such rough shape. So. Okay.
Okay. I think we're gonna go. I did not eat lunch.
We were the, everything got pushed back
'cause the recording issues the technical difficulty.
Yep. So I ate a handful of jelly beans, uh,
to get the, the quick burst of, uh, energy from the sugar.
I did not eat actual lunch.
And I have a book calling my name. Mm-Hmm. .
So I should eat lunch and read my book. Yep. Mm-Hmm.
. And I got stuff to do. Yeah.
'cause you're more productive than me
because I can't, I cannot focus.
It's gone. It's bad. Anyway, we're gonna go. Alright.
Could I, could I be here and chitchat all day?
Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Yes I could. Yes I could.
Nobody wants that. Okay.
We're gonna go all uh, thanks for sticking with us
to the bitter end and we will see y'all later.
Alright. Okay. Bye. Bye.